今年想拥有更棒的性爱体验？方法在此。

换句话说，你可以将这总结为：你是以一种自由、真正的自由状态来体验这件事的，不是因为社会规范，也不是因为你认为这是唯一的选择，而是因为你内心有驱动力，并且对此有明确的目的感，正如你所说。

In other words, you could sort of sum it up as you're coming to the experience from a place of freedom, true freedom, not because of norms, not because you think it's the only thing available, but because you are driven and have a sense of purpose about it as you said.

就随意性行为而言，假设有人真正带着这些自主动机、清晰的目的感去参与随意性行为。

In terms of casual sex, so let's say someone is truly going into casual sex with, with those autonomous reasons, with a clarity of purpose.

你知道，你的随意性行为通常发生在你不太了解的伴侣身上。

You know, your casual sex is often with a partner you might not know so well.

没错。

Yep.

这有点棘手，因为这相当于要适应一个全新的身体。

What are some ways which is tricky because this is like a new body to navigate.

当你基本上是在和一个陌生人发生关系时，你有什么建议可以最大化愉悦感吗？

What are some tips you have for sort of maximizing pleasure when you're basically kind of sleeping with a stranger.

是的。

Yes.

没错。

Exactly.

而我认为，这时候提到我的同意宣言是很相关的。

And this is where I think, you know, it's relevant to mention my consent manifesto.

现在提出这一点当然非常重要。

This is a very important thing to bring up now, of course.

是的。

Yes.

在我的书中，到目前为止我们一直在讨论，好吧，随意性行为最重要的事情是同意。

In my book, because we've had conversations to date about, okay, the most important thing with casual sex is consent.

没错。

True.

是的。

Yes.

但我们现在文化中的同意定义非常有限，主要局限于身体界限。

But we have a very limited definition of consent right now in our culture, which is mostly limited to our physical boundaries.

对吧？

Right?

而且有一种观念认为，你在体验开始时签署了一份合同，要么有同意，要么没有。

And there's this idea that you, you know, sign some contract in the beginning of the experience, and you either have consent or you don't.

是的。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

而且这被看作是非黑即白的。

And that it's just sort of black and white.

对吧？

Right?

这种看法在很多方面都存在问题。

And that is that's really problematic for a variety of reasons.

但我真正想引导这个对话的方向是，无论是对我的学生还是在演讲中，我们都应该开始不仅尊重彼此的身体界限，还要尊重彼此的社会和情感界限。

But the, you know, place I really try to take this conversation to, you know, both with my, you know, my my students and when I give talks, is we need to start bringing in not just respect for each other's physical boundaries, but respect for each other's social and emotional boundaries as well.

对吧？

Right?

我所说的这意味着我们需要具备情感上的诚实。

And so what I mean by that is we need to have a sense of emotional honesty.

我们需要将诸如‘你觉得这只是为了好玩可以吗？’这样的说法正常化。

We need to be normalizing things like saying, are you okay if this is just for fun?

或者‘你现在感觉怎么样？’

Or how are you feeling right now?

或者‘你觉得这段关系会走向何方？’

Or, you know, where do you see this standing?

我的意思是，我真不知道你想要什么。

Like, you know, I can't tell what you want.

你能给我一点提示吗？

Can you give me a clue?

换句话说，我们不仅需要清楚自己在随意性关系中的目的，为了实现真正的同意，也必须了解伴侣参与这段关系的意图。

In other words, if you you know, we need to be not just aware of what our own purpose is with the casual sex experience, but also for consent to exist, be aware of the purpose that our partner is bringing to the experience.

因为当这两者的目的不一致时，就会导致负面的体验。

Because when those two purposes are misaligned, that's what leads to a negative experience.

对互惠愉悦的承诺也是如此。

And same with a commitment to mutual pleasure.

是的。

Yeah.

再多跟我讲讲，对你来说，这在如何获得令人满意的随意性行为方面意味着什么？

Talk to me more about what that means to you in terms of how to have fulfilling casual sex.

这意味着要能够舒适地沟通，并掌握一些你感到自在使用的固定表达。

It really means being comfortable communicating and having a certain handful of phrases that you feel comfortable using throughout.

同时也要尊重并理解自己的性沟通方式，以及伴侣的性沟通方式。

And having respect for and an understanding of your own sexual communication style as well as the sexual communication style of your partner.

因为这实际上关乎于敏锐地察觉：我最有效的沟通方式是什么，来表达我的需求和让我兴奋的事物，同时也需要有能与伴侣确认的表达方式。

Because it really it it it's about being attuned to what are the best ways that I can exchange information about what I want, what turns me on, and then also having phrases to check-in with your partner.

所以这可能——当然，这不一定要是坐下来认真谈心。

So it might be and this doesn't have to be, you know, necessarily a sit down conversation.

可以在事前聊聊你期待做什么。

It can be beforehand of what you're excited to do.

有时候这种情况确实会发生，那真是太棒了。

And sometimes that does happen, and that's fantastic.

但有时候只需要一些你感到自在的短语，比如‘引导我’。

But it can be as simple as just having phrases that you're comfortable using, like guide me.

对吧？

Right?

哦。

Oh.

这有点性感。

That's kind of hot.

我喜欢这个。

I like that.

是的。

Yes.

‘引导我’这种说法有点性感。

Guide me is kind of hot.

对吧？

Right?

给我看。

Show me.

对吧？

Right?

有时候两者都会告诉我。

Sometimes the two tell me.

对吧？

Right?

告诉我。

Tell me.

叹息，呻吟。

Sighs, moans.

对吧？

Right?

你知道吗，很多人没有意识到，那些呻吟和叹气，我们只在两种情况下才会发出。

You know, what a lot of people don't realize is that those groans and sighs, we only we only project that at two times.

一种是在疼痛时，另一种是在体验愉悦时，没错。

One when we're in pain and the other when we're in pleasure experiencing Yeah.

所以这实际上是在神经层面运作，既用来传达愉悦，也能帮助你更好地体验愉悦。

So it really operates at a neurological level to communicate pleasure, but also to help you experience pleasure.

我的意思是，好吧。

I mean okay.

我在这里学到了很多东西。

So I'm I'm learning a lot here.

这就像是在学习如何拥有令人满足的随意性行为：理解你参与这种体验的原因，对同意有更丰富的理解——不仅是身体上的，还有情感上和情境上的。

It's like in how to have fulfilling casual sex is understand your reasons for going into this experience, Have a much richer understanding of consent, not just physical, but also emotional, situational.

然后努力让女人达到高潮。

And then really try to make the woman cum.

因为如果你做到了，她也会喜欢的。

Because if you do Then she will love it too.

没错。

Exactly.

如果只能记住一点，那就是一定要让女人高潮。

If there's one takeaway, make sure the woman comes.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

好的。

Okay.

所以，随意性行为是人们发生性关系的一种情境。

So casual sex is one context that someone could be having sex.

另一种情境是，当然，其间还有许多不同程度的情境。

Another context and, of course, there are, you know, many shades of context in between.

但接着我们有了光谱的另一端，那就是长期关系。

But then we have the sort of opposite end of the spectrum, which is a long term relationship.

对吧？

Right?

是的。

And Yes.

如果有人在听，并且他们处于一段长期关系中，而性生活的激情已经减弱，甚至完全消失，你会建议他们做什么来重新点燃这份激情呢？

And I and if someone's listening and they are in a long term relationship where the sex the sexual spark has faded, if not completely gone out, what would you recommend they do to reignite that spark?

所以，我会建议伴侣们从两个主要方面入手。

So there's sort of two main areas that I would advise couples to look at.

对吧？

Right?

一个是他们实际进行的性行为类型

One is the the actual types of sex that they're having

嗯。

Mhmm.

以及更深层次的关系因素。

As well as the more relational variables.

如果我们从性行为类型开始，可以看看一些研究，这些研究对成千上万对伴侣进行了访谈，首先询问他们：‘你在关系中的性满意度如何？’

So if we start with the types of sex, right, we can look at studies that have been done of, you know, thousands and thousands of of couples who have been interviewed and asked, you know, first of all, how sexually satisfied are you in your relationship?

告诉我们你们在性行为中都做些什么。

And tell us what you do during sex.

对吧？

Right?

这可是很酷的一种

Like This is the cool kind

我都不知道还有这种科学。

of science I didn't know existed.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯哼。

Uh-huh.

没错。

Exactly.

这简直就是性研究人员的梦想。

It's like what sex researcher dreams are made of.

对吧？

Right?

而且

And

所以归根结底，他们识别出大约五个主要变量。

so it comes down to, you know, there's sort of five major variables that they that they identify.

这些变量在涉及的方面上可谓五花八门。

And they're they're kinda like all over the place in terms of in terms of the the aspects they're drawing from.

第一个是营造氛围。

The first one is set the mood.

别指望自己刚看完一堆工作邮件，就直接上床做爱，还能有极佳的体验。

Don't just expect yourself to go from all those work emails to jumping into bed and having amazing sex.

对吧？

Right?

营造氛围，指的是你自己内心的状态，也包括你可能会想到的所有营造氛围的方式，比如点蜡烛、调暗灯光。

Set the mood is, you know, both for yourself internally, but also whether it is, you know, all the things that you might think of with setting the mood, lighting candles, lowering the lights.

但有一件事真的很可爱，也很美好。

But here's something that was really kind of adorable that is lovely.

对于这些信息，你怎么看都可以。

And take with this information what you will.

如果你在听这个播客，觉得这些内容让你想吐，那你完全可以忽略它。

You're allowed to just ignore it if you are listening to this podcast and this makes you go vomit.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯。

Yeah.

但那些在性爱中说‘我爱你’的伴侣，其实我知道。

But couples who say, I love you during sex are actually I know.

我的意思是，

I mean,

我喜欢这一点。

I like that.

而且，我记得你的书里提到过亲吻。

And also, I I think I remember this in your book, kissing.

对吧？

Right?

亲吻是，是的。

Kissing is an Yes.

嗯。

Yeah.

亲吻。

Kissing.

我们不够常亲吻伴侣。

We don't kiss our partners enough.

对吧？

Right?

在性行为中亲吻会增加高潮的可能性，尤其是对女性而言。

And kissing during sex increases the chances of orgasm, particularly for women.

研究人员认为，这是因为接吻可能会减缓性爱的节奏，并增强情感亲密感，而这两种因素通常更有利于女性达到高潮。

Researchers think it's because if you're kissing, it's likely slowing the pace of sex and increasing emotional intimacy, are two things that tend to be more conducive to orgasm for women.

但顺便说一句，非性行为时的接吻虽然与性满意度无关，却能预测关系满意度，这说明性行为不应该是你与伴侣接触的唯一时机。

But by the way, kissing when you're not having sex, it's not tied to sexual satisfaction, but it does predict relationship satisfaction, which goes to the point that sex should not be the only time that you're touching your partner.

对吧？

Right?

你也应该进行一些富有感情的非性接触。

You should be engaging in affectionate nonsexual touch as well.

但回到这些变量上来，你知道的。

But going back to this, you know, these variables.

营造氛围。

So setting the mood.

营造氛围。

Setting the mood.

好的。

Okay.

营造氛围。

Setting the mood.

此外，或许并不令人意外的是，要优先考虑高潮。

Also, perhaps not surprisingly, prioritize orgasm.

对吧？

Right?

我们刚刚讨论过这一点。

Now We just talked about that.

是的。

Yes.

我们谈过这个。

We talked about that.

这一点有点微妙，因为当你深入分析数据时，并不是说必须达到高潮才能拥有绝佳的性体验。

This one's a little bit nuanced because when you really dig into the data, it's not the case that you have to have an orgasm in order to have an amazing sexual experience.

安娜，我猜你和我一样，在单身时期，肯定有过几次经历：高潮了但性爱感觉平平，或者性体验非常棒但并没有高潮。

And Anna, I am probably guessing that like me, during your single years, you can think of instances where you had an orgasm and the sex was meh and where you had an amazing sexual experience and didn't have an orgasm.

完全正确。

Totally.

是的。

Yes.

对吧？

Right?

所以，我们需要再次拓宽对性行为的定义。

And so there needs to be you know, again, this goes back to widening our definition of what sex is.

性行为不仅仅是插入。

It's not just penetration.

它包含一系列多样的活动。

It involves a whole range of activities.

因此，很多时候，可能一方很投入，而另一方只是稍微有点兴趣。

And so it is you know, there are plenty of times when maybe one partner is turned on and the other is, you know, sort of into it.

所以，一方可能会用振动器为另一方服务，或者用手为对方提供快感，同时伴随着亲吻、亲密接触和嬉戏。

And so, you know, one partner uses their vibrator on the other partner or you give your partner a hand job and there's kissing and connection and making out and it's playful.

这些行为也可以非常有性满足感。

And those can be those can be really sexually satisfying.

然后下一周你就会 reciprocate，对吧？也许你们会轮流来。

And then there's when you reciprocate the next week, right, and maybe it's, you know, you switch turns.

这只是承认我们不可能总是和伴侣完全同步，而这没关系。

And it's just acknowledging that we're not always going to be perfectly synced with our partners, and that's okay.

对吧？

Right?

没关系。

It's okay.

然而，如果每次高潮都只发生在一方身上，而另一方从不经历。

However, right, if orgasm is always happening for one partner but not the other

值得审视一下。

Something to examine.

值得审视一下。

Something to examine.

审视。

Examine.

补充细节。

Color on that.

所以要营造氛围，优先考虑高潮，并带有你所说的这种多维性，第三个是什么？

So it's set the mood, prioritize orgasm with this sort of dimensionality that you're what is the third?

沟通，我们已经讨论过了。

Communicate, which we've talked about.

的

Of

当然。

course.

使用这些短语，‘引导我’是我最喜欢的。

Using these phrases, guide me is my my favorite one.

我真的很喜欢这个。

I really like that.

我真的喜欢这个。

I really like that.

对吧？

Right?

太性感了。

It's hot.

给我看看。

Show me.

对吧？

Right?

没错。

Exactly.

呻吟，叹息。

Moans, sighs.

再强调一遍，做爱时要发出声音。

Again, make noise during sex.

那就换点新鲜的。

Then switch things up.

这个说法，我们经常听到。

Now this one, we hear all the time.

新鲜感。

Novelty.

新鲜感。

Novelty.

新鲜感。

Novelty.

好吧。

Okay.

但当然，你知道，我们都喜欢目标。

But, of course, you know, we all love goals.

要多少新鲜感？

How how much novelty?

对吧？

Right?

我的意思是，每次做爱我都得做点完全不同的事情吗？

Like, do I need to be doing something totally different every time we have sex?

答案是否定的。

And the answer is no.

当然不用。

Of course not.

大家如释重负地松了口气。

Collective sigh of relief.

大家如释重负地松了口气。

Collective sigh of relief.

如果你想要一个具体数字，对那些喜欢达成目标的人来说。

If you want a number, right, for those of you who, like, love to hit your targets.

好吧。

Okay.

数据显示，每月尝试一次或更多新事物的伴侣。

Data shows that couples who try to do something new once a month or more.

对吧？

Right?

一个月一次，没错，这似乎就是那个临界点。

Once a month, right, tends to be that that threshold.

居然有数据支持这一点。

That there's actual data for this.

我知道。

I know.

对于伴侣来说，频率是一周一次。

It's it's one so it's one time a week for couples.

频率。

Frequency.

频率。

Frequency.

然后每个月尝试一次新事物。

And then it's one time a month to try something new.

新鲜感。

Novelty.

但这里我想，你当然会预料到这个问题，但有多新颖呢？

But here I mean, of course, you anticipate this question, but how novel?

什么是新鲜感？

What is novelty?

是的。

Yes.

没错。

Exactly.

所以我喜欢讨论微小新鲜感这个概念，因为它并不意味着你要去情趣商店买一堆皮具或添置一个新的育婴室。

So I love to discuss this idea of micro novelty because it does not need to mean that you're going to a, you know, sex shop and buying a bunch of leather and buying a new nursery.

比如角色扮演。

You know, role play.

是的。

Yeah.

完全正确。

Totally.

没错。

Exactly.

它可以是。

It can be.

如果你想要尝试，那太棒了。

That's fantastic if you wanna try that.

但它可以微妙到，比如不是传教士式，而是抬高的传教士式。

But it can be as subtle as instead of missionary, lifted missionary.

告诉我们吧，我想我知道那是什么，但为了更明确一点，抬高的传教士式是指什么？

Tell us I think I know what it is, but just to put a fine point on it, lifted missionary is?

好的。

Okay.

所以实现这一点有两种方式。

So there's sort of two ways to achieve it.

就像你可能想象的那样，这是传教士式。

It is missionary as you might imagine.

你有两种方法可以做到。

It is you put a you have two ways to do it.

你可以要么在女性的臀部下面垫个枕头，要么让她把双腿绕在伴侣的脖子上，嗯。

You can either put a pillow underneath the woman's hips or her legs around her partner's neck Mhmm.

这会将骨盆抬升到一个更舒适、更有可能让她达到高潮的角度。

Which is going to elevate the pelvis into an angle that is going to be more pleasurable and more likely to lead to orgasm for her.

增加对她来说最敏感区域的接触面积。

Increasing surface area of the places that feel the best for her.

所以这只是一个轻微改变的例子。

And so this is an example of switching it up just slightly.

对吧？

Right?

另一个例子是什么？

What's another example?

我真的很喜欢这个。

I really like this.

微小新奇感的另一个例子是什么？

What's another example of micro novelty?

所以，你可能已经试过女上位。

So trying out maybe you have tried women on top.

嗯。

Mhmm.

但你可以尝试的是女上位，同时让你的胸部紧贴伴侣。

But maybe what you should try is women on top but having your chest against your partner.

我的意思是，这些都是一些很棒的、值得尝试的姿势，但我猜在姿势之外，也存在微小新奇感。

I mean, these are all amazing these are all amazing, you know, positions to try out too, but I assume there's also micro novelty in terms of outside of positions.

是的。

Yeah.

天哪。

Oh my god.

除了体位之外，还有这么多微小的新鲜感。

There's so much micro novelty beyond positions.

对吧？

Right?

可能是换一个房间做爱，度假时做爱，选择不同于平时的时间做爱，开着灯做爱，或者关着灯做爱。

It could be having sex in a different room, having sex while you're on vacation, having sex at a different time of day than you normally do, having sex that is with all the lights on, having sex with that's with the lights off.

我的意思是，可能是

Having you'd I mean, it could be

角色扮演大概算吧。

Role play probably.

但那是微小的新鲜感吗？

Although, that micro novelty?

那感觉更像是宏观的新鲜感。

That feels a bit like macro novelty.

我会把这归类为瞄准大炮了。

I would categorize that more as pilling at the big guns.

是的。

Yeah.

没错。

That's true.

我想谈谈那些关于刺激程度的更大飞跃。

I wanna talk about those those sort of bigger jumps in terms of spice level.

但我想带我们回到一点，你提到在长期关系中，计划性行为可能非常有益。

But one thing I wanna bring us back to is you spoke about this idea in long term relationships of how beneficial it can be to plan sex.

我正试图同时理解这两个概念——新奇感和计划性行为，跟我聊聊这两者如何共存，因为它们看起来似乎有些矛盾。

And I'm trying to holding these two things, novelty and planned sex at the same time, talk to me about how those two things can coexist because they seem maybe potentially contradictory.

对吧？

Right?

没错。

Right.

没错。

Exactly.

没错。

Exactly.

在这里，我只是想让大家考虑两件事。

And here, I just want everyone to consider, you know, two things.

首先，再次回到数据上，当我们研究开始时询问伴侣们，你认为哪种更刺激——计划好的性行为还是自发的性行为？

First of all, again, going back to the data, when we look at couples who you know, when we ask them at the beginning of the study, which do you think is hotter, planned sex or spontaneous sex?

当然，每个人都会说：哦，显然是自发的性行为。

Of course, everyone is like, oh, obviously spontaneous sex.

好像必须得是计划好的。

Like, it has to be planned.

这会剥夺它的兴奋感和愉悦感。

That's robbing it of of excitement and pleasure.

但当你让他们进行每日日记研究，记录性体验的刺激程度和愉悦感时，猜猜结果如何？

But when you ask them to keep daily diary studies and explain how hot and enjoyable the sexual experience was, guess what?

当它被计划时，同样令人愉悦，而不是

It's just as pleasurable when it's planned versus

是的。

yeah.

已被证实。

Proven.

这就像计划好的性生活，没错。

It's like planning Plaid driven Exactly.

这是引入各种微小新奇体验的完美途径。

And it's the perfect pathway into introducing these different types of micro novelty.

对吧？

Right?

因为你有时间思考哪些尝试会有趣，期待可能的不同，幻想，获取灵感，甚至在当天早些时候给伴侣发一条性暗示信息，这种信息可以像期待今晚的萤火虫一样纯真。

Because you have time to think about what might be fun to try, to anticipate what might be different, to fantasize, to get ideas, to send a, you know, a sex earlier in the day to your partner that can be as, you know, wholesome as, you know, looking forward to tonight, fireflame Yeah.

或者一些我可能不该在《纽约时报》播客里提到的内容。

To something that I probably shouldn't mention on a New York Times podcast.

对吧？

Right?

我们以前越界过，但没错，我们确实有。

We've crossed some lines before, but, yeah, it's a We have.

嗯。

Yeah.

这感觉真好。

It's a it's a I like this.

就像计划好的性爱，只是需要重新包装一下。

It's like planned sex, it just kinda needs a rebrand.

对吧？

Right?

因为它需要一个新的出版方。

Because It needs a new publisher.

确实如此。

It does.

因为‘计划’这个词听起来机械、无聊、例行公事，就像待办清单上的又一项任务。

Because planned makes it sound rote, boring, routine, just another item on the to do list.

但事实上，这是一种规律性的亲密空间，你可以在这里探索与被探索，尝试新事物，并且满怀期待地等待它。

But instead, this is a regular erotic space where you can explore and be explored and try new things and and and look forward to it.

我的意思是，是的。

I mean Yes.

我是说，假设到了你定好的计划性亲密时间，比如周四晚上九点，不管你定的是什么时间，但你就是完全没兴致呢？

This is something that, what if this sort of the the the planned sex time comes, you know, 9PM on Thursday, whatever you've decided, and you're just not into it?

你提到过如何让伴侣升温，但对我来说，就是，嗯。

Like, you've talked about how someone can warm up a partner, but to me, it's like, yeah.

如果我真的完全没感觉，这感觉像是在走一条很微妙的线。

It it feels to me like a bit of a tricky line if you're just really not feeling it.

在这种情况下，你会怎么说？

What what would you say in that kind of situation?

到了计划性亲密的时间，但你就是完全没感觉。

The the planned sex time comes, and it's just it's not for you.

把重新安排正常化。

Normalize rescheduling.

哦，好的。

Oh, okay.

太好了。

Great.

是啊。

Yeah.

真的重新安排。

Really rescheduling.

是的。

Yes.

但真的是重新安排。

But really rescheduling.

在日历上另定一个日期。

Put another date on the calendar.

我建议安排在下一个晚上。

I recommend the next night.

对吧？

Right?

当然，这中间是有局限性的。

Now, you know, of course, there's there's limits to that.

对吧？

Right?

我的意思是，如果你发现总是不断改期、不断被拒绝，这对任何人来说都不会感觉好。

I mean, if you find that it's reschedule, reschedule, rejection, rejection, that that never feels good to anyone.

对吧？

Right?

这时候我们就可以探讨一些更深层的、可能影响你关系中欲望水平的关系性因素。

And that's when we can get into sort of these larger, you know, relational aspects that might be impacting, you know, your level of desire in the relationship.

但改期是可以的。

But rescheduling is fine.

你知道吗？

You know?

我的意思是，想想看。

I mean, think about that.

我们会在生活中安排其他事情。

We we schedule other things in our life.

但别推迟到两个月以后。

Just don't reschedule for two months away.

对吧？

Right?

嗯。

Yeah.

我有个48小时规则，我

We I have a forty eight hour rule, I

会这么说。

would say.

这也许不是德贾的房间，但那是医生，你知道的，妮可尔·麦尼科尔斯。

And this is maybe that's not Deja's room, but that's a doctor, you know, Nicole McNichols.

没错。

Exactly.

规划步骤。

Planning steps.

我的意思是，也许

I mean, maybe

这也许显而易见，但它让这件事成了优先事项。

this is obvious, but it makes it a priority.

我只是在想我日历上那些乱七八糟的事情，比如倒垃圾，或者别的什么。

I'm just thinking about all the stuff that's on my calendar that's like, take out trash, like stuff or I don't know.

比如，你知道的，洗衣服。

Like, you know, laundry.

这些事情远没有性生活有趣，但它们却占用了我日历上的位置。

It's these things are way less fun than sex, and yet they have a place on my calendar.

对吧？

Right?

是的。

Yes.

所以，是的，给予它应得的重视和重要性。

And so, yeah, giving it the importance, the import that it deserves.

回到新颖性这个想法，如果有人有兴趣引入新颖性，无论是我们之前提到的微小新颖，还是我们正在讨论的更大胆的改变，你建议他们如何向伴侣提出这个话题？

Just to go back to this idea of of of novelty, if someone is interested in in introducing novelty, be it, you know, micro novelty like we talked about or some of these bigger swings like we're discussing, how would you recommend they bring this up to a partner?

我总是基于一个基本事实：我们所有人都更容易在正向强化下表现得更好，而不是在负向强化下。

I always lean into the very basic fact that we all tend to do better with positive reinforcement than negative reinforcement.

所以，我会说，今晚和你的伴侣进行一次对话，问他们：我们有过最棒的性体验是哪一次？

So I would say, tonight, have a conversation with your partner where you ask them what is the best sex we've ever had.

对吧？

Right?

然后好好体会那种感觉。

And marinate in that.

谈谈那次经历。

Talk about that.

对吧？

Right?

通常，当你谈论那次极佳的性体验以及其中真正令人惊叹的部分时，你的大脑自然会想到接下来该怎么做。

Usually, when you talk about that incredible sex that you've had and what was really amazing about it, your brain naturally is going to a place of what comes next.

对吧？

Right?

我们该如何利用那个在那一刻让我们兴奋、并让那次性体验如此非凡的元素，来在此基础上继续发展？

How do we take that thing that turned us on in that moment that led to that sexual experience being so incredible that we can now build on that.

对吧？

Right?

也许我们喜欢轻度的拍打，想试试所谓的拍板。

Maybe we enjoyed light spanking and we wanna try, you know, a paddle.

没错。

Yeah.

也许是因为我们在度假时住在酒店房间里。

Maybe it was that we were in a hotel room on vacation.

也许我们想尝试在我们居住的城市里，先去吃晚饭，然后去酒店房间。

Maybe we wanna try going to dinner and going to a hotel room in the city in which we live.

谁说你不能对她这么说呢？

Who says you can't say to her you know?

换句话说，有一些方法可以知道，也许是因为你们在出门吃饭前发生了关系，而不是之后。

May in other words, there are ways to know, maybe it was that it was you had sex before you went out to dinner instead of after.

是的。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

因为你们没有回到家后感觉饱胀，然后可能就把它们抛到脑后了

Because you weren't didn't come home and feel full and, you know, perhaps throw I them out to

就像那样。

like that.

立足于积极面，然后思考：我们如何在此基础上进一步发展？

Grounding it in the positives and then saying, well, what can we do to build from this foundation?

没错。

Exactly.

这个积极点就是你的起点，你可以用好奇心从这里出发。

That positive is your launching point, and you use your sense of curiosity to go from there.

没错。

Exactly.

我喜欢你提到今晚这件事。

And I like that you said tonight.

因为今晚你就可以这么做。

Because you can do that tonight.

你不能，你知道的，那些在听的人。

You can't you know, those listening.

你知道吗，我在想是不是有一种，我不知道。

You know, I wonder if there is sort of a I don't know.

我正在不知不觉中变成一个信奉咒语的人，这对我来说很意外，但我确实如此。

I'm I'm sort of like becoming a mantra person, which is unexpected for me, but I sort of am.

让我们坦诚一点。

Let's just be honest.

我想知道，你有没有一种咒语、口号，或者你愿意称作的任何东西，可以提醒那些想今晚就开始的人——那些想要开启美好、有趣、充满挑逗的性生活的人？

And I wonder if you have a sort of mantra or rallying cry or whatever you wanna say that we could keep in mind if someone listening does wanna start tonight, does want to begin the work, the joyful, fun, flirty work of having better sex?

我们该坚持什么样的咒语呢？

What's a what's what's a mantra we can hold on to?

掌控你的愉悦。

Own your pleasure.

没错。

Yeah.

我的意思是，这真的关乎于拥有你独特的、让你在性情境中感到自信、展现自我、表达需求、沟通交流，并获得相互愉悦体验的方式。

I mean, it really is about owning your own particular brand of what makes you come to a sexual situation feeling empowered to show up, assert your own needs, communicate, and have a mutually pleasurable experience.

这本质上是关于承担责任。

And it's really about taking ownership.

对吧？

Right?

把这份责任掌握在自己手中，明白你有能力做到。

Taking that responsibility into your own hands and knowing that you have the power to do it.

我就知道你会有句座右铭。

I knew you'd have a mantra.

我就知道你会有句座右铭，就在那儿，就在最前面。

I knew you'd have a mantra right there, right at the front.

多萝西·麦克尼科尔斯医生，我之前说的是真的，你得给我在你的课上留个位置。

Doctor Nicole McNichols, a, I meant it about you saving me a spot in your class.

搞定。

Done.

B，非常感谢你这场对话。

B, thank you so much for this conversation.

我真的很感激。

I really appreciate it.

安娜，这真是一次愉快的交流。

Anna, this was such a delight.

非常感谢你邀请我。

Thank you so much for having me.

《现代爱情》团队包括艾米·珀尔、戴维斯·兰德、埃莉萨·古铁雷斯、艾米莉·朗、珍·波扬、林恩·利维、里瓦·戈德堡和萨拉·柯蒂斯。

The Modern Love team is Amy Pearl, Davis Land, Elisa Gutierrez, Emily Lang, Jen Poyant, Lynn Levy, Riva Goldberg, and Sarah Curtis.

本集由艾莉萨·古铁雷斯制作。

This episode was produced by Alyssa Gutierrez.

本集由林恩·利维、珍·波扬和戴维斯·兰德编辑。

It was edited by Lynn Levy, Jen Poyant, and Davis Land.

本集的原创音乐由艾莉西亚·B'Itouk、戴安娜·王、马里昂·洛萨诺、罗曼·尼米斯托和丹·鲍威尔创作。

Original music in this episode by Alicia B'Itouk, Diane Wong, Marion Lozano, Roman Nimisto, and Dan Powell.

丹还为我们创作了主题音乐。

Dan also composed our theme music.

本集由丹尼尔·拉米雷斯混音。

This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez.

《现代爱情》专栏由丹尼尔·琼斯编辑。

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

李mia是《现代爱情项目》的编辑。

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

如果你想向《纽约时报》提交一篇散文或微型爱情故事，我们会在节目说明中提供相关指引。

If you'd like to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got those instructions in our show notes.

我是安娜·马丁。

I'm Anna Martin.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.