你可能完全误解了边界的概念

美与赢得网球大满贯、赋能社区或追踪南美洲腹地的美洲豹有何关联？

What does beauty have to do with winning a tennis grand slam or empowering communities or tracking jaguars through the wild heart of South America?

你好。

Hi there.

我是伊莎贝拉·罗西里尼，欢迎回到《这不是美容播客》第二季，我将揭示美如何贯穿我们生活的每个角落。

I'm Isabella Rossellini, and I'm back with season two of this is not a beauty podcast where I uncover stories that get to the heart of how beauty is woven through every facet of our lives.

请在您喜爱的播客平台上收听欧莱雅集团出品的《这不是美容播客》。

Listen to this is not a beauty podcast from L'Oreal Group on your favorite podcast platform.

大家好。

Hey, everyone.

我是安娜。

It's Anna.

《现代爱情》播客团队正在制作一期关于位置共享的节目，探讨我们如何决定让伴侣、朋友或家人追踪行踪。

The Modern Love podcast team is working on an episode about location sharing and how we decide whether to let a partner, friend, or family member track our whereabouts.

一方面，用手机共享位置或许能增进联系、建立信任，

On the one hand, using your phone to share your location might help you stay connected and build trust,

但它

but it

也可能以令人不适的方式考验你们关系的边界。

can also test the boundaries of your relationship in uncomfortable ways.

请分享你的位置共享故事。

Tell us your location sharing story.

是否有某个瞬间你非常后悔或庆幸与某人共享了位置？

Was there a moment you really regretted sharing your location with someone or a moment you were very glad you did?

你当时在哪里？

Where were you?

发生了什么？

What happened?

结果你们的关系发生了怎样的变化？

How did your relationship change as a result?

请将你的回答录制成语音备忘录，发送至modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com，我们可能会在节目中采用。

Record your answer as a voice memo and email it to modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com, and we may end up featuring it on the show.

再重复一次，告诉我们位置共享如何影响了你生活中的一段关系，并将录音发送至modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com。

One more time, tell us how location sharing has affected a relationship in your life and send it as a voice memo to modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com.

我们非常期待听到

We're so excited to hear

来自

from

你的声音。

you.

好的。

Alright.

节目继续。

On with the show.

此刻相爱

Love now

直到永远。

and forever.

昨晚的爱。

Love last night.

但比任何事物都强大。

But stronger than anything.

为了爱。

For the love.

爱。

Love.

而我爱你胜过一切。

And I love you more than anything.

爱。

Love.

爱依然存在。

There's still love.

爱。

Love.

我会带你一起进行我的周日重置。

I will take you along with me while I do my Sunday reset.

这里是《纽约时报》，我是安娜·马丁。

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

这里是《现代爱情》。

This is Modern Love.

周日重置是我为了让房子为下一周做好准备而做的事。

Sunday reset is something that I do to make my house ready and prepared for the next week.

今天，我要谈谈

Today, I'm talking

与治疗师兼作家凯西·戴维斯的对话。

to the therapist and author, Casey Davis.

我总是先拿出我的大垃圾桶、大洗衣篮、一个小物品篮和一些清洁用品。

I always start by getting out my giant trash can, my big laundry basket, a little basket for items, and some cleaning

凯西最出名的可能是她的TikTok视频，内容是她清理家中各种杂乱的场景。

Casey is probably best known for her TikTok videos where she's cleaning up all these messes in her home.

你会看到散落的衣服、玩具、餐具和垃圾，应有尽有。

You'll see scattered clothes, toys, dishes, and trash, you name it.

凯西坚信，她的杂乱和你的杂乱都没关系。

And Casey is adamant that her clutter and yours is okay.

这不是什么重大失败，你也不必为此感到难过。

It's not some big failure, and you don't have to feel bad about it.

我不知道谁需要听这句话，但你的台面上就是可以堆东西。

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're allowed to have shit on your counter.

这就是凯西的特色。

This is Casey's thing.

她指出了我们似乎都内心纠结的事物，比如我们的杂乱，并对此提出了既富有同情心又务实的看法。

She identifies the stuff that we all seem to have an inner conflict around, like our clutter, and offers a compassionate, pragmatic take on it.

她为此写了一本书，名为《如何在溺水中保持家务》。

She wrote a book about it called How to Keep House While Drowning.

但最近，凯西谈论的已不止是我们生活中的实际物品了。

But lately, Casey's been talking about more than the literal stuff in our lives.

她的新书名为《谁值得你的爱？》

Her latest book is called who deserves your love?

如何建立界限来开始、巩固或结束任何关系。

How to create boundaries to start, strengthen, or end any relationship.

凯西在书中提到，界限被广泛误解了。

And in it, Casey says boundaries are widely misunderstood.

今天，凯西·戴维斯将告诉我我们对界限的误解，以及如何更好地处理与所爱之人的冲突。

So today, Casey Davis tells me what she thinks we're getting wrong about boundaries and how to better navigate conflict with the people we love.

此外，她还会朗读一篇现代爱情散文，讲述一对夫妻在结婚二十年后突然爆发的争吵。

Plus, she reads a modern love essay about an argument between a couple that seems to come out of nowhere, twenty years into their relationship.

请继续收听。

Stay with us.

凯西·戴维斯，欢迎来到《现代爱情》。

Casey Davis, welcome to Modern Love.

你好。

Hi.

很高兴来到这里。

I'm so glad to be here.

我们也很高兴邀请到你。

We're glad to have you here.

凯西，我想先问问你最广为人知的理念——你对家务劳动那种富有同理心又极其实用的态度，以及坚持适合自己的方式，哪怕是在勉强维持生活秩序时。

So, Casey, I wanna start off by asking about what you're probably most known for, and that is your empathetic, extremely practical approach to housework and doing whatever works for you even when you're struggling just to keep yourself together.

我想知道这种理念是怎么形成的？

I wanna know where did that come from?

你是怎么想到把脏衣服堆的视频发到网上的？

Like, how did you find yourself posting videos of your dirty laundry piles on the Internet?

是啊。

Yeah.

作为一名治疗师，我知道生二胎时心理健康可能会出问题。

So as a therapist, I knew that when I was gonna have my second baby that I was gonna have some problems with mental health.

就像生第一个孩子时我就有点吃力，我了解自己的情况。

Like, I just I struggled a little bit with the first one, and I just know myself.

我知道自己可能容易焦虑抑郁，特别是在产后，所以我制定了完整计划。

I knew I I might tend towards anxiety and depression and things, especially in a postpartum So I had a whole plan.

那是个不错的计划。

And it was a good one.

包括安排送餐服务、预约亲子活动，让两岁孩子去托儿所，家人会轮流来住上六周等等。

It was, you know, we're gonna have meals delivered and play dates set up, and the two year old was gonna go to daycare, and, you know, family was gonna stay for up to six weeks at a time.

结果我在新冠封锁前三周分娩了。

And then I gave birth three weeks before the shutdowns for COVID.

突然间整个计划都泡汤了。

And all of a sudden, that whole plan went away.

唉。

Oof.

其中有个变化是——我向来有点邋遢，但这次是第一次完全失控。

And one of the things that happened like, I've always kind of been a messy person, but for the first time, it wasn't functioning.

干净的餐具用完了，没有干净衣服可穿，待洗衣物堆积如山，到处乱糟糟的，满地婴儿玩具让我几乎无处下脚。

Like, we're running out of clean dishes, and there aren't clean clothes anymore, and the laundry is piling up, and everything is so messy, and I can barely walk because of all the baby toys everywhere.

基本上，因为封锁，你所有时间都待在家里。

Spend so much time in all your time, basically, in the home because it's All of it's lockdown.

于是我开始制作清洁视频，摸索适合我这个邋遢鬼的打扫方法。

And so that's when I started making videos about cleaning and figuring out ways to clean that kind of worked for me as a messy person.

这就是一切的起源。

And so that's how it all started.

后来这事就意外走红了。

And then it it kinda took off.

但走红的原因不只是网友夸'这些小技巧太酷了'。

But what took off about it wasn't just people saying, oh my gosh, like, what cool little hacks.

而是很多人说'我家有时也这样，我为此感到非常羞耻'。

It was the people that said, sometimes my house gets like this, and I feel so much shame about it.

这时我作为治疗师的职业本能就觉醒了——听着，杂乱与道德无关。

And that's when, you know, the therapist in me was like, listen, like, messiness is morally neutral.

请再说一遍，这个观点太关键了。

Say that again because I it's such a central point.

杂乱无关道德评判。

Messiness is morally neutral.

你这话具体是什么意思？

What do you what do you mean by that?

我的意思是，邋遢不是人格缺陷。

What I mean is that it's not a character defect to be a messy person.

做不到时刻整洁，并不意味着道德瑕疵。

It's not a moral failing to be someone who, you know, isn't neat and tidy all the time.

我在社交媒体上花了很多时间讨论家庭话题时注意到，当人们在线谈论他们的感情关系时，总会收到大量充满道德说教的建议。

And as I spend a lot of time on social media talking about, like, homes, one of the things that I would notice is that when people would talk about their relationships online, they would get a lot of really moralizing advice.

所以这不仅仅是关于如何更好地沟通的问题。

So it wasn't just here's a better way to communicate.

而是‘你怎么能忍受那种事？’

It was how can you put up with that?

‘我永远不可能容忍那种行为’

I would never I could never put up with that behavior.

或者‘你怎么能在对方最低谷时离开他们？’

Or it's how you know, I can't believe that you left that person when they were at their lowest.

嗯。

Yeah.

‘我绝不会在某人最低谷时离开他们’

I would never leave someone when they are at their lowest.

你知道，诸如‘你居然因为对方心理健康问题就离开？’这类道德审判层出不穷，我看到人们仿佛同时在打两场仗。

You know, what do you mean you left because they had a mental health like, there was all of this kind of moralizing, and I saw people It was like they were trying to fight two battles at once.

他们试图弄清楚‘我该怎么处理这段关系？’

They were trying to figure out, what do I do about my relationship?

但与其单纯思考‘下一步怎么做才对’，更多是在纠结‘这代表我是什么样的人？’

But instead of just trying to figure out, like, what's the right thing for me to do next, it was, and what does that mean about me?

‘继续忍受是否说明我软弱？’

Am I weak for staying?

‘选择离开是否说明我冷酷？’

Am I a jerk for leaving?

我是否表现得，你知道，这确实会让情况变得复杂，让人难以判断什么对你才是最佳决定。

Am I being you know, and so it it just it really muddies the waters when trying to figure out what the best decision for you is.

是的。

Yeah.

你在网上越来越多地谈论人际关系，还出了这本新书，专门讲如何在关系中建立并保持界限。

You've been talking more and more online about relationships, and you have this new book all about relationships and building and keeping boundaries in them.

这本书非常实用且有帮助。

It's very helpful and practical.

书里还有流程图。

There are flowcharts inside.

但你在书中提到，界限这个概念从你的角度看被普遍误解了。

But something you say about boundaries in the book is that they are widely misunderstood from your perspective.

能说说为什么吗？

Can you tell me why that is?

人们似乎对界限有什么误解？

What do people seem to think boundaries are?

误解在于人们认为界限是对他人行为的限制。

The misconception is that boundaries are about putting limits on other people's behavior.

对。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

妈，别跟我提体重的事。

Mom, don't talk to me about my weight.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你要知道，你不能那样跟我说话。

You know, you cannot talk to me that way.

当你深入一层时，很多人会试图通过说'界限其实是关于限制你的行为'来解决这个问题。

When you go one layer down, lots of people will try to address what's wrong about that by going, it's actually boundaries are about putting limits on your behavior.

是的。

Yep.

对吧？

Right?

如果你继续这样跟我说话，我就要结束这次对话了。

It's I'm gonna walk away from this conversation if you keep talking to me this way.

如果你不接种疫苗，我就不会带孩子来看你。

I'm gonna not bring my kids to see you if you don't get vaccinated.

但即便如此，我们还是忽略了界限的真正意义。

But even then, we're missing what boundaries are really about.

因为这两种说法，我认为第二种比第一种稍微正确一点。

Because both of those, I think one's a little bit more right than the first one.

对吧？

Right?

对。

Right.

但这仍然让它成为一个非常外在的行为。嗯。

But it still makes it a very external exercise Mhmm.

那些决定啊后果啊之类的，你懂的，好吧。

Where the decisions and the consequences and the you know, okay.

妈妈，你不能那样跟我说话。

Mom, you can't talk to me that way.

好吧。

Okay.

可是妈妈还在那样做。

Well, mom is still doing it.

那现在怎么办？

So what now?

现在我需要承担后果了。

Well, now I need a consequence.

行吗？

Okay?

那我就再也不见她了。

Well, then I won't see her ever again.

可以吗？

Okay?

你准备好为这件事彻底断绝和某人的关系了吗？

Are you ready to get rid of an entire relationship with someone over this thing here?

也许你是这么想的，是的。

And maybe you are, but yes.

好吧。

Okay.

哦，其实她每周四都会帮你看孩子。

Oh, well, actually, she watches your kids on Thursdays.

这是你能工作的唯一方式。

It's the only way you can work.

哦，好吧。

Oh, well.

好的。

Okay.

对。

Right.

就像，我们很快就会变得非常棘手。

Like, we get real sticky real quick.

我想说有第三种选择，就是我们认为边界是一种内在的理解，即我在哪里结束，你在哪里开始。

I would say there's this third option where we say that boundaries are an internal understanding of where I end and where you begin.

这是我的感受结束，你的感受开始的地方。

It's where my feelings end and your feelings begin.

这是我影响自己的决定和行动的能力结束，而你的决定和行动开始的地方。

It's where my ability to affect my own decisions and actions end, and your decisions and actions begin.

这也是对什么属于我、我该负责什么的理解，以及在我的责任停止和你的责任开始时，我们彼此之间的关系。

And it's also this understanding of what belongs to me and what I'm responsible for and where my responsibilities stop and your responsibilities begin when it comes to our relationship with each other.

我是说，你举了这个例子，关于一个母亲不断和她孩子谈论体重的事。

I mean, you gave this example about a mom who keeps talking to her kid about their weight.

在这种情况下，什么样的边界会有效，基于这种'这是我在哪里结束'的内在理解？

What would be a boundary there that would be effective in that context that works on that internal understanding of this is where I end.

这是你的起点。

This is where you begin.

所以我想说的是这个。

So what I would say is this.

要求你妈妈不和你谈论体重，这本身并不是一种界限。

Asking your mom to not talk to you about weight, in and of itself, is not a boundary.

这只是一个请求。

It's just a request.

你请求她做某件事。

You have requested that she do something.

你无法控制她是否照做，但表达你的需求可能正是你在树立个人界限。

You can't control whether she does or doesn't, but it might be that the act of you voicing what you need is you being a boundaried person.

比如，如果我妈妈轻视我、忽视我，或者继续这样做，我仍然保持了我的界限。

Like, if my mom set discounts me, if she dismisses me, if she would you know, keeps doing it, I still had a boundary.

嗯。

Mhmm.

因为我的界限是：我不会过度关注那些不属于我的感受。嗯哼。

Because the boundary was I'm not going to care more about taking care of feelings that don't belong to me Uh-huh.

而会更关注真正属于我的感受。

Than I am about taking care of feelings that do belong to me.

哦，我明白你的意思了。

Oh, I see what you're saying.

就像，我不会太在意我妈妈对我所说的话的反应。

It's like, I'm not gonna care so much about my mom's reaction to what I say.

这不是我的责任。

That's not my responsibility.

那是她的起点。

That's where she begins.

是啊。

Yeah.

我是说，这对我来说很合理。

I mean, it's it that makes sense to me.

然后当你描述这种可能更常见的边界理解时，我脑海中浮现的是一堵墙。

And then it's also like when you're describing this maybe more common understanding of boundaries, I picture like a wall.

就像是，你不可逾越我的边界。

It's like, thou shalt not pass my boundary.

明白吗？

You know?

就像我在沙滩上划下这条线。

Like, it's it's like I'm staking this line in the sand.

这可能是更普遍的理解方式。

That's the sort of maybe more common conception.

有没有更好的方式来理解你所说的边界？

What's a better way to think of, like, your understanding of boundaries?

有点像让你用隐喻来表达

Kind of putting you on the metaphors

空调。

Air conditioning.

哇。

Wow.

你做到了。

You had it.

告诉我那是什么意思。

Tell me what that means.

好的。

Okay.

我以前在戒毒康复中心工作。

So I used to work in drug rehabs.

是啊。

Yeah.

当我担任执行董事时，我们会有这种晨会，每个人都会进来做简短汇报。

And when I was an executive director, we'd have this, like, morning meeting, and everyone would come in and they'd kinda give their little reports.

经常有人进来汇报客户发生的事情，听起来非常紧急。

And I would often get people come in, and they would report on something happened with the clients, and they it would be, like, very urgent.

比如，好吧。

Like, okay.

发生了这个，又发生了那个。

This happened and this happened and this happened.

那种焦虑感真的会传染。

And that kind of, like, anxiety is really contagious.

所以你会发现自己也跟着紧张起来，好吧。

So you can find yourself being like, okay.

我们得让妈妈接电话。

We gotta get the mom on the phone.

我们得走了。

We gotta go.

对吧？

Right?

他们说想离开。

They're saying they wanna leave.

他们在说‘对吧’？

They're saying Right?

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

后来我意识到，以前我常要告诉我的员工，当客户对你说话时，他们表现得好像这事很紧急。

And what I realized is that I used to have to tell my staff, like, when someone says something to you, the client's coming to you and they the client's treating this like it's urgent.

我说，与其自动适应别人对某件事强加给你的紧急程度，我希望你们想象自己有一道无形的屏障。

Instead of just automatically adapting the level of urgency that someone is trying to give you about something, I said, I want you to envision that you have this, like, invisible barrier.

屏障内有一个恒温器。

And inside your barrier, you have a thermostat.

这个恒温器能调节紧急和恐慌的程度。

And the thermostat is what dials up or down, like, the level of urgency and panic.

别看他们的保温杯——呃，他们设定的恒温器温度有多高。

Don't look at how their thermos like, how high their thermostat is set.

客观地看待他们告诉你的事情。

Look objectively at what they're telling you.

我的药吃完了。

I'm out of my medication.

我想离开。

I want to leave.

这个人对我说过这样的话，不管具体是什么。

This person has said this to me, whatever it is.

对吧？

Right?

然后你根据你认为这件事的紧急程度来调整自己的'温度调节器'。

And then you decide what level of urgency you think is appropriate for this matter and set your own thermostat.

你

You

知道吗，我想讨论另一个你同样不认同的观点，类似于你对界限的看法，就是'必须先爱自己才能接受他人的爱'这种观念。

know, I I wanna talk about another idea that you also take issue with similar to how you think about boundaries, which is this idea that you must love yourself before you can accept love from another person.

我觉得这种观念已经深深植入了我的心理。

That's something I feel that's been, like, ingrained in my psyche.

我在Instagram上经常看到这种说法。

I see it on Instagram all the time.

听起来似乎很有道理。

Like, it sounds like it makes sense.

那么'必须先爱自己才能爱别人'这个观念有什么问题呢？

So what's wrong with the idea that we must love ourselves before we're able to love someone else?

我不会说这个观点本身有什么问题。

So I wouldn't say there's anything wrong on its face.

但就像所有进入大众心理学的治疗概念一样，要实现这一点，它需要经历一个模因化的过程，在这个过程中概念会被大幅简化和缩减。

But like all therapeutic concepts that is have made their way into pop psychology, in order for that to happen, it it goes through like a memeification process where it gets really slimmed down, really simplified.

这个信息背后的真相是：如果我试图通过被他人爱来修复自己的无价值感，这是行不通的。

And the truth in that message is that if I'm trying to fix my feelings of unworthiness by being loved by others, it won't work.

是啊。

Yeah.

事情不是这样运作的。

It doesn't work that way.

但有时候这种观点会演变成：除非你能独自满足所有情感需求，除非你能治愈所有创伤，只有当你修复了自尊后，才能拥有健康的关系。

But what that can sometimes be become is this message that unless you can meet all of your emotional needs by yourself, unless you can repair all of your wounds, only when you have fixed your self esteem can you then be in a healthy relationship.

但事实并非如此。

And that's not true.

这个标准太高了。

That's a high bar.

没错。

Yeah.

很多时候当我们说'关系'时，根据我们的讨论语境，通常指的是恋爱关系，因为我们觉得这类关系是可选择的。

And I mean, lot of times when we say, like, relationships, I think in the context that we're talking, we're often kind of referring to romantic relationships because those are the ones that we perceive as kind of being optional.

但事实上，你始终处于各种关系中。

But the truth is is, like, you are in relationships.

你可能没有恋爱关系，但无论你感觉自己被治愈了多少，你始终与他人保持着关系。

They you may not be in a romantic relationship, but, like, regardless of how healed you feel, you are in relationship with people.

你不需要等到自己完全准备好，才能享受、追求或健康地维系一段关系。

You don't have to wait to be put together before you can enjoy, pursue, or, you know, be in a healthy way in a relationship.

某种程度上，我认为许多现代爱情散文都在讲述人们领悟这一点的过程。

In a way, I think that so many modern love essays are about people figuring that out.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I mean?

就像是的。

Like Yeah.

意识到自己虽不完美，却仍能找到这份惊人的爱。

Realizing that they are deeply imperfect, and yet they find this amazing love.

或者说，我拥有这份美好的爱。

Or, like, I have this beautiful love.

我可以接受这份美好的爱。

I can accept this beautiful love.

我也能给予这份爱。

I can give it.

你即将为我们朗读一篇现代爱情散文，它与你书中的建议产生了强烈共鸣。

You're about to read a modern love essay for us that feels very resonant with the advice in your book.

我几乎能想象作者床边放着一本翻得卷边、满是标记的书。

I can basically imagine the author having, like, a copy that's, like, dog eared and marked up on her nightstand.

在你朗读这篇文章之前，有什么想说的吗？为什么选它，又为何产生共鸣？

Before we get into you reading this essay, do you wanna say anything to to tee it up for us, why you chose it, why it resonates?

是的。

Yeah.

我选择这篇文章是因为，我仿佛能同时成为他们俩的心理治疗师，或者至少是其中一人的治疗师，我能清楚地看到他们如何错过彼此，以及这种情况多么容易发生。

I I mean, I chose this essay because I could see myself as both of their therapists or just one of their therapists, and I could see clearly where, you know, they were kind of missing each other and how easily that happens.

如果你仔细观察他们之间发生的事情，就会发现这是一个非常普遍的故事。

And it just it's it's a very kind of universal story if you look at what exactly is happening between them.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

《纽约时报》应用里有许多你可能从未见过的内容。

The New York Times app has all this stuff that you may not have seen.

我可以立即找到与我当前心情相符的内容。

I can immediately navigate to something that matches what what I'm feeling.

所有不同版块都以标签页形式集中在顶部。

The way the tabs are at the top with all of the different sections.

这样浏览起来更方便。

It's just easier to navigate that way.

总有一款适合您。

There is something for everyone.

那些个性化页面，比如YouTube，是我的最爱。

Those personalized page, the YouTube, that one's my favorite.

我还能在这个区域轻松保存文章。

I can also save my articles easily in this area.

在署名下方，写着'点击此处可收听本文'。

Right under the byline, it says click here if you like to listen to this article.

我喜欢顶部烹饪标签页的设计，访问起来非常便捷。

I like that the cooking tab on top is really easily accessible.

所以当我回家路上思考'晚餐该做什么'时...

So if I'm on my way home and I'm just thinking, oh, what am I gonna make for dinner?

我简单说说烹饪，哦，我橱柜里有这个。

I'll just quickly go on to cooking and say, oh, I've got this in my pantry.

我要试试这里看到的一些食谱。

I'm gonna try out some of these recipes I see in here.

我总是去看比赛。

I go to games always.

玩小游戏。

Doing the mini.

玩Wordle猜词。

Doing the Wordle.

我喜欢它让我接触到这么多内容。

I loved how much content it exposed me to.

那些我从没想过会在新闻应用里看到的东西。

Things that I never would have thought to turn to a news app for.

这个应用必不可少。

This app is essential.

《纽约时报》应用。

The New York Times app.

所有时报内容，尽在一处。

All of the times, all in one place.

立即在nytimes.com/app下载。

Download it now at nytimes.com/app.

《我丈夫是个受气包吗？》

Is My Husband a Doormat?

莉迪亚·希耶写道：大约四年前，在我们位于克罗地亚扎达尔的家，一次本只是寻常的拌嘴中，我丈夫突然喊出了令人难以置信的话。

By Lydia Hieh Nearly four years ago at our home in Zadar, Croatia, during what had been no more than ordinary bickering, my husband yelled unimaginable words.

你虐待了我二十年。

You've been abusing me for twenty years.

这场争吵始于前一晚。

The fight had started the previous night.

当时女儿们正像往常一样嬉闹着准备睡觉，他突然对她们发了火。

He had snapped at our daughters for being their usual rambunctious selves as they were getting ready for bed.

我正在笔记本电脑前工作，他紧张的语气打断了我的专注。

I had been working at my laptop, and his nervous tone tore through my focus.

于是我也立即回击了他，恼火于深夜还要重新集中注意力。

So I lashed right back at him, irked for having to concentrate again at that late hour.

事后我们背对背躺在床上，这是我们二十年婚姻里为数不多的几次冷战之一。

We lay in bed afterward with our backs to each other, only one of a handful of times we had done that in our twenty years together.

我当时只是觉得烦躁，但并未担心。

I was annoyed, but not worried.

这是场愚蠢的争吵。

It was a stupid fight.

他那段时间压力很大。

He'd been under some stress.

明天他会道歉的，然后我们会像往常一样继续生活。

Tomorrow, he would apologize, and we would move on as we always did.

他连续几天都易怒，就因为我给他发了个九型人格测试链接。

He had been irritable for days because of an Enneagram personality test I'd sent him a link for.

当他拿着测试结果从房间出来时，整张脸都气得通红。

When he came out of our room with his results, his face was ablaze, furious.

这很奇怪。

Which was odd.

我丈夫是我认识的人中最冷静、最随和的。

My husband is the calmest, most easygoing person I know.

‘我是九型人格中的九号，’他不屑地说。

I'm a nine, he said with disdain.

‘调停者。’

The peacemaker.

‘那很棒啊，’我有点羡慕地回答。

That's great, I said, a bit envious.

我是四号——个人主义者，相比调停者的无私与善良，这种类型在我看来显得轻浮又自私。

I was a four, the individualist, what seemed to me to be a frivolous and self serving type compared to the altruism and kindness of a peacemaker.

‘我可是官方认证的老好人，’他说。

I'm an official people pleaser, he said.

‘我的人格就是个受气包。’

My personality is a doormat.

那一整天他都对着测试结果生闷气，我觉得特别好笑。

That whole day, he brooded over his results, and I found it hilarious.

哪个正常人会为这种流行心理人格测试生气啊？

Who in their right mind gets upset about a pop psychology personality test?

‘这就是我最爱你的地方，’我说。

That's what I love most about you, I said.

你善解人意、乐于合作、体贴周到。

That you are understanding, collaborative, considerate.

但他摇着头，仿佛我没明白他的意思。

But he shook his head as if I didn't understand it.

没理解他。

Didn't understand him.

接下来的日子里，他变得越来越暴躁，无论是倒垃圾还是孩子们没有在他一声令下就像士兵般立刻排队刷牙睡觉，都会让他暴跳如雷。

And in the following days, he grew increasingly irritable, bursting with annoyance when he had to take out the trash or when the children didn't line up like soldiers the moment he barked orders to brush teeth or go to bed.

这一切在我们争吵时达到了顶点，他冲我吼出那句'我一直在虐待他'的话。

It all came to a head in our fight when he spewed those words at me that I had been abusing him.

听到那句话时，我笑了。

When he said that, I laughed.

这种指控荒谬至极。

The accusation was ludicrous.

我们曾是最好的朋友。

We were best friends.

在这段关系中，我们始终互相帮助治愈各自的童年创伤，努力成为彼此的安全港湾。

And throughout our relationship, we had been helping each other work through our respective childhood wounds, and both strove to be the safe person for the other.

被指控的恰恰是我们拼命想要克服的问题，这感觉就像个恶劣的玩笑。

Being accused of the very thing we had fought to overcome struck me like a bad joke.

但当我用笑声驳斥他的指控后，他仍坚持己见。

But after I laughed off his accusation, he persisted.

而在我反驳之后，他反而更加固执。

And after I pushed back, he insisted.

积压多年的挫败感从他身上喷涌而出。

What seemed like years of pent up frustration gushed out of him.

你太控制人了，他喊道。

You're so controlling, he yelled.

我只要出门你就会让我内疚。

I can never go anywhere without you guilt tripping me.

每次我说要去跑步或玩风筝冲浪，你总是用那种眼神看我。

You always give me the evil eye when I say I'm going for a run or kite surfing.

我做任何自己的事都会招来你的不满。

I can't do anything for myself without you resenting it.

我做的一切都必须是为了你或孩子们。

Everything I do has to be in service of you or the kids.

这些可能在恋爱初期确实存在，但我已经花了好几年克服自己的不安全感。

Some of that might have been true earlier in our relationship, but it had been years since I had worked through my insecurities.

现在其实我很喜欢他去玩风筝冲浪或跑步，因为之后他会更开心、更放松。

Now I actually liked when he went kite surfing or running, because he was happier, more relaxed afterwards.

我完全不知道他对为家庭付出的一切心怀怨念。

And I had no idea he begrudged all he was doing for our family.

我以为我们公平分担了家务。

We were splitting the chores fairly, I thought.

我负责做饭。

I cooked.

他负责接送孩子参加活动。

He drove the children to activities.

他把垃圾拿了出去。

He took out the trash.

我洗了衣服。

I did the laundry.

但现在他说感觉是我在强迫他做这些家务，剥夺了他的自由。

But now he was saying he felt like I was inflicting those chores on him, stripping him of his freedom.

一个古老的恐惧再次浮现。

An old fear reared its ugly head.

如果这就是我丈夫一直以来对我和我们婚姻的感受呢？

What if this was how my husband had always felt about me and our marriage?

如果这么久以来他一直感到被压制和压迫，只是现在才找到表达的方式呢？

What if all this time he had felt subdued and oppressed and was only now finding a way to voice it?

震惊和恐惧让我茫然失语，我拿起车钥匙离开了。

I was left dazed and speechless by shock and fear, and I took our car keys and left.

我在小镇最西边的海滨长廊上踱步了很久很久，心烦意乱。

For the longest longest time, I paced the sea promenade in the westernmost part of our town, exasperated.

从我站的地方，可以看到海湾对面的木板路。

From where I stood, I could see the boardwalk on the other side of the cove.

二十年前，当我们坠入爱河时，我们坐在那条木板路上，我告诉他我和父母的一次争吵。

Twenty years ago, while we were falling in love, we sat on that boardwalk as I told him about a fight I'd had with my parents.

他听着，但没有给予安慰或同情，我觉得很奇怪。

He listened but didn't offer solace or commiseration, which I thought was strange.

当我问他他的父母是什么样的人时，他说，我很幸运。

When I asked him what his parents were like, he said, I'm lucky.

我的父母很棒。

My parents are great.

那些话很刺耳。

Those words were jarring.

不仅因为我们18岁，而我从未见过喜欢父母的青少年，更因为在我痛苦时，他那种热切语气显得近乎冷漠。

Not just because we were 18 and I had never met a teenager who liked their parents, but because there was something borderline insensitive about the eagerness with which he said it, given my own distress.

我花了很多年才明白，他并非无礼或麻木不仁。

It took years for me to understand that he hadn't been rude or insensitive.

他只是拼命用这些话说服自己。

He'd only been working hard to convince himself of his own words.

关于他父母的真相在我们共同生活的头十年里逐渐显现，往往通过他们自己的话语。

The truth about his parents slowly revealed itself to us over the first decade of our life together, often through their own words.

他母亲告诉我她本没打算生下他。

His mother told me she hadn't planned to have him.

她怀孕时，他哥哥四岁，父亲在外地驻守。

When she got pregnant, his older brother was four and his father was stationed away.