#1039 - 康纳·比顿 - 成功男性为何总在自我毁灭

我相信，作为父亲，我们需要走出世界，为我们的孩子树立榜样。

And I do believe that, you know, as fathers, we we need to venture out into the world and and sort of show that for our kids.

但确实存在一种权衡。

But but there is this sort of trade off that happens.

我很想知道，当你经历了这一切后，我的意思是，一切都崩塌了。

I'm curious I'm curious for you as you've kind of gone through that, like, I mean, everything's blown up.

一切都变了，我无法想象，自从我们两年前第一次交谈以来，你的生活现在有多么不同。

Everything's like I can't imagine how different your life is now from the first time that we had our conversation two years ago.

我知道你经历了健康问题。

And I know you went through health issues.

所以，当你经历了这种飞速崛起，却又突然被某件事彻底打停，不得不面对意想不到的状况时，感觉如何？

And so what's it been like for you to have this sort of, like, meteoric rise and then have something just sort of, like, stop you dead in your tracks and have to deal with something that was unexpected?

在某些方面，这感觉有点像骗子，因为你对自己有一种看法。

It feels a little bit like being a fraud in some ways because you have this, perspective of yourself.

你对自己设定了某种期望。

You have this expectation which you've put on you.

你还认为世界也在对你施加这种期望。

You have this expectation that you think the world is putting on you too.

嗯。

Mhmm.

而且你其实并不知道，没人真正知道人们为什么会喜欢你。

And you don't really know no one no one actually knows why people like them.

从内容创作者的角度来看，他们真的不知道。

Like, no one knows from a content creator perspective, they don't.

比如你的朋友会说：老兄，我超爱你是个多么棒的倾听者，你总能让我感到安全、平静，诸如此类的话。

Like, your friends will say stuff like, dude, I I I love how fucking good of a listener you are, and, like, you just always make me feel safe, regulate, rah rah rah.

但这种反馈的频率太低了，我们根本无法真正理解。

But this the bit rate of feedback is too low for us to actually be able to understand.

所以你会想，也许是因为他一直坚持了下来。

So you go, well, maybe it's because, like, he kept going.

也许是因为他展现了持续性或韧性，而当你被完全击垮、被一个你从未选择、完全超出你控制的事情狠狠打击时，那种感觉真的很可怕。

Maybe it's because he showed the consistency or the resilience and, yeah, to be completely flatlined and kicked in the nuts by something that you didn't choose to do, by something that was, you know, out of your control, felt scary.

感觉就像，哇，我一生努力追求的东西即将被夺走。

It feels like, wow, the thing that I worked my entire life for is just about to be taken away from me.

嗯。

Mhmm.

这并不是我自己的选择。

It's through no choice of my own.

我长期以来一直努力奋斗，成为让自己骄傲的、更好的自己，而现在，这个更好的自我却在毫无作为的情况下从我指缝中溜走。

And and I've worked very hard for a long time to make myself into someone that I'm proud of and my better self slipping through my fingers through no no action of my own.

而且，这感觉就像一个宇宙级的玩笑。

And, again, it feels like a like a cosmic joke.

我想问问那些看到内在小孩疗愈、母亲创伤、未处理的旧有模式，以及这种心理不适的累积，却说‘这纯粹是玄学废话，老兄’的人，你会对他们说什么？

I think what would you say to the guy who looks at the inner child work, the mother wounds, the past patterns that haven't yet been dealt with, the accumulation of sort of psychological discomfort like that, and say, I think that's sort of woo bullshit, dude.

这对我来说毫无共鸣。

Like, that that doesn't resonate with me.

我明白如果手臂断了，你需要打石膏，但这里的痛苦只是需要克服的问题。

I understand that if you break an arm, you need to put it in a cast, but this is just a question of overcoming suffering.

这样做很崇高。

It's noble to do that.

我理想中的生活是做一个斯多葛式的人，默默做事，不抱怨。

It's, like, the sort of life that I want to live is someone who is stoic, who does, like, just get on with stuff.

没错。

This yeah.

也许我遇到了某种瓶颈。

Maybe I've hit some sort of a wall.

也许我已经支离破碎地倒在了地上。

Maybe I'm sort of broken in pieces on the ground.

但解决办法是像大卫·戈金斯那样咬牙坚持，而不是像埃克哈特·托利那样提醒自己：我本来就足够好了。

But the answer to that is to just, like, David Goggins it and stay hard as opposed to Eckhart Tolle it and, like, remind myself that I'm enough already.

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，我认为两者都有些道理。

I mean, I do think that it's a it's a bit of both.

你知道的。

You know?

我认为，许多男性对心理咨询和疗愈文化感到抗拒，部分原因是它变得过于女性化了。

I do think that part of the challenge that a lot of men have with therapy and therapy culture is that it's become hyperfeminized.

所以当男性看到这些时，往往觉得无法产生共鸣。

And so I think when men look at that, oftentimes, it's like it doesn't resonate.

它总是显得太玄乎了。

It always feels too woo woo.

它感觉太像那种软技能了。

It feels too sort of like soft skills.

但我认为，这其实关乎自我认知的探索。

But I think it really is about a quest of knowing thyself.

对于每个男人来说，都会经历一段旅程，一个转折点，在那里他们必须做出选择：我是要通过试错和外部经历来了解自己，还是要戴上心理潜水面具，真正深入地看清自己究竟是谁？

And, you know, for for every man, they're going to have a journey, an an inflection point where they have to decide, am I going to learn about who I am through trial and error and external experiences, or am I going to put on this, you know, the psychological scuba diving mask and and go in and actually see who the fuck I am?

我认为，对男性来说，更容易的选择是：我就去外面的世界闯荡。

And I think it's easier for men to say, I'll just go out in the world.

对吧？

Right?

我就去搞点东西。

I'll just go build some shit.

因为事实是，最可怕的地方就是你内心深处。

Because the truth is that the scariest place to be is inside of yourself.

这就是真相。

That's the truth.

大多数男性都知道，除了某些极端情况和战区之类的地方。

Most men know that, barring some extreme situations and war zones and stuff like that.

但对于大多数男性，对于我合作过的很多男性，我曾与海豹突击队队员合作过。

But for the majority of men, for a lot of the men that I've worked with I've worked with Navy SEALs.

我曾与高管合作过。

I've worked with executives.

我曾与艺术家和运动员合作过。

I've worked with artists and athletes.

我所接触过的每一个男人，最让他们恐惧的都是他们真实自我的本质，因为他们内心有一些部分自己都无法理解，而这令人害怕。

And every single man that I've ever worked with, the most terrifying thing for them is the truth of who they are because there's parts of them that they do not understand, and that's scary.

他们有一些无法掌控的自我部分，这非常可怕。

There's parts of themselves that are out of control, and that's terrifying.

因此，我想对这些男人说的是，听起来你根本不愿意真正面对自己。

And so I think for what I would say to those men is it sounds like you're not really willing to get in the arena with yourself, period.

你可以找到适合自己的方式。

And you can find a medium that works for you.

对吧？

Right?

戈金斯找到了一种对他有效的方式，但那不是我的方式。

Goggins found a medium that seems to work for him, which is that's not my medium.

对吧？

Right?

我不想每天早上五点或四点就起床，然后一直跑步，直到膝盖骨互相摩擦得像老太太的骨头一样。

I I don't wanna get up at 5AM or 4AM every single day and and run until my knees are granny bones against each other.

这根本不是我的风格。

This is just not it for me.

我当然想在身体上挑战自己，也想在创业方面推动自己前进。

I wanna push myself physically for sure, and I wanna build things and push myself from an entrepreneurial spend standpoint for sure.

但有一点很重要，那就是拥有勇气和胆识去直面真实的自己，开始发现自身那些不那么美好的部分。

But there is something to be said for the courage and the bravery that it takes to go in to who you actually are as a human being and start to discover the unsavory parts of yourself.

你知道，荣格曾说过，男人真正的使命就是去发现自己的阴影。

You know, Jung had this great saying that that the the real work of a man is the real work of men is to discover their own shadow.

如果他们能做到这一点，就为这个世界做了一件有意义的事。

And if they can do that, they have done something meaningful for the world.

他所说的意思是，如果你不了解自己的适应不良行为，不了解自己的自我破坏机制，不明白自己是如何伤害他人的，那么你就会无意中把伤害传递给他人——你的孩子、家人或朋友。

And what he meant by that was if you don't understand your own maladaptive behaviors, your own sabotage mechanisms, if you don't understand how you are harming other people, then you are you're essentially passing on harm out into the world onto other people inadvertently to your kids or your family members or your friends.

我不知道还能怎么表达，但这就是男人找不到意义和目标的地方。

And that's not really what I don't know how else to say it, but it's like that's not really where men find a sense of meaning and purpose.

事实上，伟大的国王和伟人的原型，都是那些为他人服务的人。

Like, in many ways, the archetypes of great kings and great men, they are the men that are servants to others.

他们通过深刻理解自己是谁来实现这一点。

And how they go about doing that is by deeply understanding who they are.

所以，当我听到这一点时，我认为很多男性其实是害怕了解自己真实的一面。

And so I think for a lot of men, when I hear that, I'm like, you're scared to know who you really are.

你实际上只是害怕。

You're actually just afraid.

这没关系，但别他妈跟我说你一点都不害怕真实的自己。

And that's okay, but don't fucking lie to me that you're just not afraid of who you actually are.

因为很多时候，我和男性坐在一起时，我会说：闭上眼睛。

Because so many times I've sat with men, and I'll say, close your eyes.

而那个男人面临的挑战是，他在会议室里是个狠角色。

And the the challenge that that man will have, he'll be a killer in the boardroom.

他在足球场上也是个狠角色。

He will be a killer on the football field.

我会说：坐下，闭上眼睛，深呼吸，告诉我你内心正在发生什么。

And I'll say, sit down, close your eyes, take a breath, tell me what's happening inside of you.

立即面对。

An immediate confrontation.

因此，我们男性是通过面对挑战而塑造的。

So we as men are sculpted through confrontation.

在某种程度上，男性气质需要面对挑战，我认为改变也需要面对挑战。

Masculinity in some ways requires confrontation, and I think change requires confrontation.

任何类型的心理改变都需要面对挑战。

Any type of psychological change requires confrontation.

我认为挑战在于，一些男性害怕与自己正面交锋。

I think the challenge is that some men are afraid of the confrontation with themselves.

你对这个怎么看？

What are thoughts on that?

我觉得这非常准确。

I think it's superbly accurate.

我认为这为‘勇气’这个词提供了一个非常有趣的重新定义，尤其是对男性而言——情感表达、深入自我、与真实的自己建立联系，却被视为一种软弱。

I think it makes for a very interesting redefinition of the word bravery, especially for men, that emotionality, tapping into yourself, being in touch with who you really are, is seen as a kind of weakness.

但我看到很多男性身上存在的，是一种以性为基础的煤气灯效应。

And yet so much of that that I see among guys is, like, a sex based gaslighting.

我认为，我认为这正是让你非常成功的原因之一。

I think I think it's I think that's one of the things that's made you very successful.

就是那些细微的察觉。

It's those little sniffs

他们就会说

They go

这些想法到底是从哪儿冒出来的，克里斯？

space where did they even come from, Chris?

这就像是一种空间上的煤气灯效应。

It's like space gaslighting.

但你试着告诉我，这不贴切。

Try and tell me it doesn't fit, though.

百分百正确。

It a 100%.

太棒了。

It's great.

太棒了。

It's great.

确实是。

It is.

因为你害怕自己内心的东西。

Because you're scared of what's inside of you.

作为男人，你害怕审视自己。

As a man, you're terrified of looking inside of yourself.

你害怕与自己的情绪接触。

You're terrified of being in touch with your emotions.

你害怕自己的内心。

You're terrified of your heart.

别假装你不是这样，也别假装那些愿意直面它的人就低人一等。

Don't pretend like you're not, and don't pretend like the guys who are prepared to face it are somehow lesser.

对。

Right.

对。

Right.

就像我，你知道的，我练武术。

It's like I you know, I do, martial arts.

我每周练几次泰拳。

I do Muay Thai a couple times a week.

我非常喜欢它。

I absolutely love it.

我喜欢知道我能够，你知道的，踢一个家伙的脑袋侧面。

I love knowing that I can, like, you know, kick some dude in the side of the head.

那家伙大概六英尺二英寸高。

That's, like, six, you know, six foot two.

但我也不会害怕自己的感受。

But I also am not afraid of how I'm feeling.

而且我认为，这正是我之前提到的，那就是我们变得过于单一了。

And I do think that I think this is what I was talking about before, which is that we've become so one dimensional.

我们过度聚焦于某一个特定方面，但这并不是人类历史上男性的真实状态。

We've over indexed on, like, one specific thing, and that hasn't been that hasn't been the truth for men throughout human history.

我的意思是，当你看看来自不同背景的男性，比如斯巴达人。

I mean, when you look at when you look at men from different walks of life and, you know, like the the Spartans.

对吧？

Right?

他们进行格斗训练、剑术训练、团队作战，而在下午，他们还会学习写诗、跳舞和演奏音乐。

They do hand to hand combat, sword training, fighting in groups, and then in the afternoon, they would learn how to write poetry and dance and play music.

你知道吗？

You know?

所以，这一直是男性成长过程中不可或缺的一部分。

So it's it's always been a part of of our development as men.

只是在最近这一百多年里，我们才把男性简化成了这单一的维度。

It's just recently in the last hundred plus years that we've sort of condensed men down into this one dimension.

如果你只想培养工厂工人，那这很好。

And it's great if you want to pop out factory workers.

如果你想要一支军队般的人群，一群男人，每天十小时只负责给冰淇淋桶装把手，那这很好。

It's great if you want to produce armies of people, armies of men, that their sole job for ten hours a day is to put a fucking handle on an ice cream bucket.

你知道吗？

You know?

你并不想要一个会思考‘我对此感觉如何？’的人类。

It's like, you don't want a human being that's thinking about, how do I feel about doing this?

没错。

Yep.

你不需要那样的人。

You don't want that.

对吧？

Right?

因为那没什么用，那样的话，这个人就派不上用场了。

Because that's not useful, because then that person's not going to be useful.

所以，再次强调，我认为我们正进入这片领域，而我认为这正是导致现代约会面临诸多挑战的主要原因之一：女性的视野变得更为广阔，她们仍然拥有社交网络。

So, again, I think we're we're entering into this territory, and I think this is what is causing a lot of part of what's causing a lot of the challenges in modern dating is that women have become much broader in the sense that, you know, they still have network.

她们仍然拥有社群，但已经学会了如何与男性竞争，而我认为，作为男性，我们大多尚未适应，也没有找到与女性竞争的方法。

They still have community, but they've learned how to compete with men, and I think that largely we as men have not adapted and figured out how to compete with women.

我认为我们在与女性竞争方面表现得很糟糕，因为女性的竞争方式与我们截然不同。

I think that we are terrible at competing with women because women compete far different.

她们的竞争方式与我们男性完全不同。

They compete they compete way differently than we do as men.

作为男性，我们通过竞争和能力来竞争。

We as men, we compete through competition, through competency.

就是说，我会比你更努力工作。

It's like, I'm gonna outwork you.

我会比你更有能力。

I'm gonna be more competent than you.

我会比你更胜任。

I'm be more capable than you.

我会找出这些系统，并且比你做得更好。

I'm gonna figure out the systems and get better at it than you.

女性也已经学会了如何做到这一点，但她们还拥有另一整套技能：情绪智力、建立人脉的能力、社交能力，以及随之而来的毁谤他人。

And women have figured out how to do that as well, but they also have this whole other skill set of emotional intelligence, of being able to create network, of being able to social socialize, and along with that, character assassinate.

对吧？

Right?

没错。

Like Yeah.

她们还能以我们根本想不到的方式把你击倒。

And take you out in ways that that we just don't

你根本毫无察觉。

You didn't even see coming.

你根本毫无察觉。

You didn't even see coming.

突然间，你会想：等等。

All of sudden, you're like, wait.

为什么人力资源的贝基把我叫进去，还训斥我？

Why is Becky from HR pulling me in and, like, reprimanding me?

到底刚刚发生了什么？

Like, what the hell just happened?

所以我觉得这对一些男性来说非常令人畏惧。

And and so I think that's very intimidating for some men.

我觉得这非常令人困惑，因为我们一直被灌输这样的观念：只要你重视能力和胜任力，就该在文化和社会的阶梯上步步高升，也该能成功赢得女性的青睐。

I think it's very confusing because we've kind of been sold this bill of goods that if you just prioritize competency and capability, then you should rise through the ladder of culture and society, and you should be able to be successful with women.

我觉得这一点现在正面临巨大威胁。

And I think that that is really in jeopardy right now.

我觉得现在正发生一场巨大的拉锯战，没错。

I think there's this big kind of tug of war Yep.

关于这种观念是否还成立。

For whether or not that's going to be true or not.

当然，仍然有一些男性是例外，他们非常成功，拥有高地位等等，所以这套逻辑对他们仍然有效。

And you still have men that are outliers that that is true, that because they're so successful, because they're they have high status and yada yada yada, that that still works.

但我认为对普通男性来说，这变得越来越难了。

But I think for the average guy, that's becoming harder and harder.

你看到最新的数据了吗？

Have you seen the new stats?

你知道吗，超择优，这个词叫超择优。

You know, hypergamy, the word hypergamy.

嗯。

Yep.

最喜欢的。

Favorite.

嗯。

Yep.

浪漫药丸的。

The of the the romantic pill.

是的。

Yeah.

我现在把红药丸叫做浪漫药丸。

I call the the red pill the romantic pill now.

太棒了。

That's great.

太棒了。

That's great.

我喜欢这个说法。

I like that.

浪漫药丸。

The romantic pill.

因为所有红药丸阵营的人都是浪漫主义者。

Because everyone that's in the red pill is a romantic.

每个人。

Everybody.

每一个进入红药丸阵营的男性都是浪漫主义者。

Every single guy that's in the red pill is a romantic.

有些人失败了。

Some have failed.

有些人成功了。

Some are successful.

但从根本上说，他们想要的是关系。

But, fundamentally, they want to Relationships.

他们想找到一个女人，并被她爱。

They want to find and be loved by a woman.

是的。

Yeah.

这是浪漫的药丸。

It's the romantic bill.

这很棒。

That's great.

择优而婚。

Hypergamy.

在收入方面处于最低两个五分位的男性，与在收入方面处于最高五分位的女性中，如今女性已成为家庭的主要经济支柱。

The bottom two quintiles, of men in terms of earning and the top quintile in terms of women for earning have the female as the primary breadwinner in the household now.

是的。

Yeah.

这发生在美國。

That's in The US.

是的。

Yeah.

因此，收入最低的40%的男性在社会经济层面上向上约会，而收入最高的20%的女性则在社会经济层面上向下约会。

So, the bottom 40% of guys who earn are dating up socioeconomically, and the top 20% of women earners are dating down socioeconomically.

所以这种情况正变得越来越紧张。

So that is getting squeezed a lot.

我到底已经大喊这个‘高个子女孩问题’多久了？

And how long have I been fucking screaming about this tall girl problem thing?

嗯，这又是一个很棒的梗。

Well, again, another great meme.

如果女性在经济上足够成功，她们将站在自己能力等级的顶端，环顾四周，却发现几乎没有男人。

If women are socioeconomically successful soon enough, they're going to stand on the top of their own competence hierarchy, look across, and find very few men.

而那些存在的男性拥有大量选择，因此他们会利用并抛弃女性。

And the men that are there have a wealth of opportunity, so they're gonna use and discard women.

是的。

Yeah.

所以，是的，我们正处在这场有趣的拉锯战中，但我认为这甚至已经算不上拉锯了。

So, yeah, we we are at this interesting tug of war, but I think it's not really even a tug anymore.

事情已经发生了。

It's like it's happened.

事情已经发生，并且正在发生。

It happened, and it's happening.

我们已经完全陷入其中了。

We're we're fully in it.

没错。

Correct.

是的。

Yeah.

完全卷入其中了。

Fully in it.

我们只是在努力收拾残局。

And we're just trying to sort of pick up the pieces.

对女性来说，客观上感觉是获得了大量收益，很多进步。

And for women, what it's felt like objectively is a lot of gain, lots of gains.

对吧？

Right?

我现在有了学位。

I've now got degrees.

有更多女性正在攻读，我认为现在硕士和博士学位的比例也在上升。

There's more women getting, like I think it's creeping up into master's and doctorate degrees now as well.

是的。

Yeah.

所以不仅仅是她们进入了本科阶段。

So it's not just that they're getting into undergrad.

更多的学位。

More degrees.

她们在30岁、31岁之前赚的钱比男性还多。

They earn more than guys up to the age of 30, 31.

这一点也在持续上升。

Now that's continuing to creep up as well.

你可能会觉得，这似乎是个巨大的利好。

And you go, that just seems like a boon.

但女性也将付出一些代价，这些代价将更难以量化，涉及生活质量方面。

Now there are prices that women are gonna pay, and those are gonna be ones that are much harder to quantify quality of life.

百分之八十没有孩子且错过生育窗口的女性，并不表示她们原本就不打算要孩子。

Eight out of ten women that don't have kids and breach their reproductive window don't say that they didn't intend to not have children.

是的。

Yeah.

所以，或者说他们并不打算不生孩子。

So, or say that they didn't intend to not have children.

抱歉。

Sorry.

这意味着，女性所付出的代价，以及所谓的女性主义问题或女性特质问题，而非男性特质问题，将在未来更深远地显现出来，它们会更加微妙，更具心理性，或者至少更加隐蔽，我认为。

What this means is the prices that women and, like, the, the feminism problem or the femininity problem, as opposed to the masculinity problem, are gonna be felt later further down the line, and they're gonna be more subtle, and they're be much more psychological or much at least much more hidden, I think.

但客观来说，男性现在已经身处其中了。

But objectively, guys are already in it.

是的。

Yeah.

他们现在就已经身处其中了。

They're in it right now.

另外，你可能听过我提到过Element，因为我确实非常依赖它，它是我每天早晨开始一天的方式。

In other news, you've probably heard me talk about Element before, and that's because I am, frankly, dependent on it, and it's how I've started my day every single morning.

这是市场上最好喝的补水饮品。

This is the best tasting hydration drink on the market.

你可能会想，为什么我需要更注重补水？

You might think, why do I need to be more hydrated?

因为适当的补水不仅仅是喝足够的水。

Because proper hydration is not just about drinking enough water.

而是要摄入足够的电解质，让身体能够有效利用这些水分。

It's having sufficient electrolytes to allow your body to use those fluids.

每一份便携式小包都含有经过科学验证的钠、钾和镁电解质配比。

Each grab and go stick pack is a science backed electrolyte ratio of sodium, potassium, and magnesium.

它不含糖、色素、人工成分或其他任何添加剂。

It's got no sugar, coloring, artificial ingredients, or any other junk.

这在减少肌肉痉挛和疲劳、优化大脑健康、调节食欲和抑制渴望方面起着关键作用。

This plays a critical role in reducing muscle cramps and fatigue while optimizing brain health, regulating your appetite, and curbing cravings.

这种橙子口味溶于冷水中，是一种甜美、微咸、充满橙香的甘露，你服用后和不服用时的差异会真实感受到，这就是我不断提及它的原因。

This orange flavor in a cold glass of water is a sweet, salty, orangey nectar, and you will genuinely feel a difference when you take it versus when you don't, which is why I keep going on about it.

首先，它提供无条件退款政策，且无时间限制。

First of all, there's a no questions asked refund policy with an unlimited duration.

买它，用完它，如果你有任何理由不喜欢，他们会全额退款，你甚至不需要退回包装盒。

Buy it, use it all, and if you don't like it for any reason, they give you your money back, and you don't even have to return the box.

他们对你一定会喜欢它充满信心。

That's how confident they are that you'll love it.

此外，他们在美国内提供免费配送。

Plus, they offer free shipping in The US.

现在，通过点击下方描述中的链接，前往 drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom，首次购买即可免费获得 Element 最受欢迎口味的试用装。

Right now, you can get a free sample pack of Element's most popular flavors with your first purchase by going to the link in the description below, heading to drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

就是 drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom。

That's drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

是的。

Yeah.

我们真的在其中。

We're we're in it.

我的意思是，男性的衰退令人震惊，当你看统计数据和数据时，你会发现上大学的男性比以往任何时候都少。

I mean, the the the decline of men is staggering, you know, when you look at the stats and the data of, you know, there's less men going to college than ever before.

你知道吗，到23岁的时候，每有一个男性毕业，就会有两个女性毕业。

You know, by twenty third, you're gonna have two women graduating with degrees for every one man.

对吧？

Right?

当你看看那些大学毕业的女性，她们在统计上更倾向于找有大学学位的男性。

And when you look at the women that graduate from college, they statistically want men with college degrees.

她们想和有大学学位的男性约会。

They wanna date men with college degrees.

对吧？

Right?

所以我们正在制造一群男性，很多女性在纸面上说她们并不一定想和这样的人约会。

So we're we're creating a a population of men that a lot of women don't that they say they don't necessarily want to date on paper.

对吧？

Right?

所以现在去上大学的男性越来越少了。

So you have less men going to college.

进入劳动力市场的男性更少了。

You have less men in the workforce.

我的意思是，男性数量其实非常多。

I mean, there's there's a huge amount of men.

目前大约有六七百万美国男性没有参与劳动力市场。

It's something like six or 7,000,000 American men are not in the workforce right now.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

这场从劳动力市场的大规模撤离。

This massive exodus from the workforce.

现在三十岁以下的男性与父母同住的人数比以往任何时候都多。

You have more young men 30 living at home than ever before.

现在年轻男性更少约会了。

You have more young men not dating.

对吧？

Right?

是啊，确实如此。

It's like yeah.

我现在感觉就像斯科特·加洛韦。

I feel like Scott Galloway right now.

我仿佛能听到斯科特在一一列举那些数据。

Just I can hear Scott just, like, listing off the the stats.

对吧？

Right?

你知道吗，40%的30岁以下男性在过去一年里从未主动接近过任何女性，也从未与女性发生过性关系。

It's like, you know, 40% of men under the 30 haven't approached a woman in the last year and haven't had sex with women in last year.

因此，从社会和经济角度来看，年轻男性确实正在衰退。

And so I I think that when you look socially and economically, young men really are in decline.

我认为问题在于，当我们谈论年轻男性、男性的问题，以及如何改变社会或为男性创建支持性社会项目时，一切都会陷入混乱。

And I think the problem with that is that when we go to talk about young men, men's problems, and how we can alter society or create social programs for men to actually support them, it all hell breaks loose.

你知道吗？

You know?

这简直变成了一场悲惨的闹剧。

It just it just turns into a kind of, you know, misery fest.

当你开始谈论男性问题和男性困境时，对男性的仇恨就会变得非常明显。

It's like man hate just becomes very apparent when you start to talk about men's problems and men's issues.

但感觉这占用了本应给予其他更值得帮助群体的资源。

But It feels like it's taking resources away from some other more deserving group.

这就是原因。

That's why.

这是一种关于同理心和资源的零和观念。

It's a zero sum view of empathy and resources.

完全正确。

Totally.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

我认为等级结构已经发生了变化。

And I I think that hierarchies have just shifted.

对吧？

Right?

因此，权力分配不再倾向于男性了。

And so there's the the power distribution is not going towards men anymore.

我认为这对很多人来说很难接受。

And I think that that is very hard for a lot of people to come to terms with.

我认为这对我们的社会和文化也是有害的。

I think it's also detrimental for our society and our culture.

我认为年轻男性确实处境艰难。

And I do think that young men have I think they have a hard time.

我认为，作为文化，我们已经忘记了将一个男孩培养成男人有多困难，要帮助他度过青春期、面对睾酮水平升高、渴望战斗、进食、彻底崩溃，并以一种健康的方式将他引导进入成年期。

I think that as a culture, we've forgotten how hard it is to to take a young boy and turn him into a man and to get him through that period of going through puberty, having testosterone, wanting to basically, like, you know, fight, fucking feed, crash out entirely, and and get him into manhood in a functional way.

因此，我认为我们几乎对将男孩培养成男人的艰难程度患上了健忘症。

And so I think we we almost have, like, a type of amnesia with how hard it is to turn a young boy into a man.

我认为这非常、非常具有挑战性。

I think it's I think it's very, very challenging.

于是，当我们审视针对年轻男性和男孩的社会项目时，发现它们寥寥无几。

And so and then when we look at the social programs for young men, and boys, they're they're few and far between.

对吧？

Right?

所以，许多男孩在家里没有父亲榜样。

So you have young boys that don't have father figures at home.

你知道，在美国，每四个孩子中就有一个在家中没有父亲角色。

You know, one in four kids in America don't have a father figure in the household.

你还会看到，年轻男孩将进入一个以女性为主导的教育体系。

You you have young boys that are gonna go into an education system that is female dominated.

所以他们在家里找不到榜样，在学校系统里也找不到榜样。

So they're not gonna have role models at home, not gonna have role models in the school system.

如果他们因为遇到问题而接受治疗，那里的主导者也是女性。

If they go through a therapeutic vein because they're having problems, that's dominated by women as well.

因此，出现了一种空缺。

And so there's a kind of vacancy.

这是一种男性榜样的空缺。

There's like a male role model vacancy.

对许多男孩来说，他们需要的是来自男性的传承，学习如何度过这一过程。

And for a lot of young boys, there's what they're looking for is a type of transmission from men around how do I get through this process.

我该如何从一个男孩或青少年，成长为能够自我调节、处理愤怒的强烈情绪、应对与女性在咖啡店或杂货店交谈时的恐惧的人？

How do I go from being this boy or being this adolescent into being somebody who can regulate, who can deal with the intensity of his anger, who can deal with, you know, the fear of the rejection of talking to a woman in a coffee shop or at the grocery store?

因此，我认为这种缺失对许多年轻男性来说是极其沉重的。

And so I think that that absence is is really crushing for a lot of young men.

然后我认为，当你将这种缺失与过去几十年我们所经历的育儿方式——直升机父母——结合起来时，它已经严重削弱了许多年轻男性的能力。

And then I think when you couple that with with the parenting style that we've gone through in the last couple decades, which is like the helicopter parent, has completely debilitated a lot of young men.

育儿数据表明，要培养一个健康的孩子，无论男孩还是女孩，有两个简单要素：高期望和高支持。

The the there's two simple things that the parenting data that basically, like, shows when it comes to raising a healthy child, whether it's a a boy or a girl, is that you need high standards and high support.

你需要这两样东西。

You need those two things.

你需要明确而坚实的标准，比如我对你有什么期望。

You need really good solid standards of here's what I expect from you.

我希望帮助你成长。

I wanna help you develop.

我希望你在这些不同领域发展能力，同时给予高支持。

I want you to develop competency in these different areas, and then high support.

我也会帮助你完成这些事情。

I'm also gonna help you to do those things.

许多男孩成长过程中面对的是极高的期望，却几乎没有支持。

What a lot of young boys grow up with is extremely high standards with very little support.

对吧？

Right?

我的意思是，我期望你取得高分。

It's like, I expect you to get the high grades.

我期望你在冰球、长曲棍球或篮球等任何项目上都表现卓越，但我并不会真正教你如何做到这些。

I expect you to be exceptional at hockey or lacrosse or basketball, whatever it is, but I'm not actually going to teach you how to do those things.

我不会支持你去实现这些目标。

I'm not gonna support you to do that.

或者在过去几十年里，我们走向了另一个极端，对吧？比如：‘没关系，亲爱的。’

Or in the last couple decades, we've had the inverse, right, where it's been like, it's okay, honey.

你得了第十名。

You got tenth place.

没关系。

It's alright.

别担心。

No worries.

最差的成绩。

Lowest time.

没有标准。

No standards.

没有期望。

No expectations.

什么都没有。

No nothing.

对于那个年轻人来说，他心想：去他的。

And for that young man, he's like, well, fuck.

这就完了？

Is this it then?

我就只能接受这样吗？

Am I just supposed to okay.

我想我只能打打游戏，看 Pornhub 自慰了。

I guess I'll just play video games and jerk off watching Pornhub.

你懂的？

You know?

没人对我有任何期待，但文化却告诉我，问题出在我身上。

Like, nobody expects anything from me, and culture is telling me that I'm the problem.

所以我决定退出了。

So I'm just gonna check out.

所以我认为，这些相互交织的问题正在给年轻男性制造一场灾难。

So I think that you have this intersection of problems that are creating a shitstorm for young men.

一个情绪安全的男性有哪些特质？

What are some of the traits of an emotionally safe man?

首先，我认为你需要有能力调节自己的神经系统。

Well, first, I think you need to have the ability to regulate your own nervous system.

你需要对自己情绪的觉察有一定的掌控力。

So you need to have some level of competency over your own emotional awareness.

你需要理解自己内心正在发生什么。

You need to have an understanding of what's happening inside of you.

如果你不知道，或者无法识别自己在愤怒、羞耻、焦虑、悲伤、尴尬时内心的感受，如果你不能区分这些情绪并加以调节，从而避免总是冲动、防御、反应过度——比如在咖啡店被拒绝要电话号码，或者类似的小事，你就瞬间崩溃，心想：天啊。

If you don't know or you're not able to identify what's happening inside of yourself emotionally when you're angry, when you feel shamed, when you feel anxious, when you feel sad, when you feel embarrassed, If you don't if you can't differentiate between those things or identify them and then be able to regulate yourself through them so that you don't lash out and get reactive and get defensive all the time or, you know, you you get rejected for a phone number at the coffee shop or whatever, and you you dissolve into a puddle of like, oh my god.

我真是个混蛋，这一点我明白。

I'm such a piece of shit, which I understand.

我曾经也这样过。

I've been there.

我真的曾经就是那样。

I actually have been there.

你知道的。

You know?

我年轻时就是那样的人。

I, like, was that guy when I was a teenager.

被拒绝真的很残酷。

Rejection was brutal.

但如果你无法理解自己内心的感受并从中走出来，你就很难去帮助别人做到这一点。

But if you if you aren't able to understand what's happening inside of you and move yourself through it, it's gonna be very, very challenging to do that for anybody else.

所以，这可以说是第一个地方，第一步。

So that's kind of, like, the first place, the first step.

其次，我认为你需要有能力挖掘出情感内容。

And then secondly, I think you need to have the capacity to draw out emotional content.

而这是一种很少有男性学会的技能。

And this is a this is a skill set that far few men learn.

我认为我们男性学到的是要掌握事情的逻辑层面。

I think what we learn as men is get the get the content logistically.

掌握逻辑层面的内容。

Get the logistical content.

比如，发生了什么？

Like, what happened?

什么时候发生的？

When did it happen?

看起来是什么样子？

What did it look like?

你知道的？

You know?

我们收集了所有这些细节，但从不问的是，这件事对你来说到底是什么感觉？

Like, we get all those details, but what we don't ask is, what was that actually like for you?

你知道的？

You know?

当你的老板生气时，或者当你把演示搞砸了时，那对你来说是什么感觉？

What was it like for you when your boss was pissed off or when you fucked up the presentation?

那对你来说是什么感觉？

What what was that like for you?

你内心发生了什么？

What happened inside of you?

所以，我认为很多年轻男性需要掌握的另一种技能，就是能够挖掘出情感内容。

And so that's another skill set that I think a lot of young men need is to be able to draw out emotional content.

告诉我那是什么感觉。

Tell me what that was like.

发生了什么？

What happened?

那一刻你感觉如何？

How did you feel in that moment?

你知道吗？

You know?

当她说那句话时，当他那样做时，那是什么感觉？

When when she said that, when he did that, what was that like?

这些简单的事情会建立起一种连接，让对方觉得：哦，这个人对我内心的感受感兴趣。

And those simple things are going to create a connection, a bridge for the other person to say, oh, this this person is interested in how I'm feeling.

所以我认为，对很多男性来说，仅仅表现出我对你的内心感受感兴趣

And so I think for a lot of men, just showing I have interest in what's happening inside of you

嗯。

Mhmm.

也是下一步。

Is also the next step.

然后去回应，而不是反应。

And then being to respond and not react.

很多时候，我们会过度个人化，尤其是对我们约会的女性，我们会把别人说的话都当成针对自己的。

A lot of the times, we personalize the shit out of especially women's, the women that we're dating, but we we personalize what other people are saying.

所以你可能会听到你的女朋友或妻子谈论某件事，比如她对妈妈感到失望，或者和你发生了争执。

And so you might have your girlfriend or your wife talking about something, and, you know, she's talking about how she's disappointed in her mom or some argument with with you.

然后突然间，你就想：我是不是做错了什么？

And all of a sudden, it's like, well, did I do something wrong?

我怎么能做得更好？

And how could I have done that better?

我到底哪里有问题？

And what's wrong with me?

因此，很多男性会陷入防御或反应性状态，转而攻击对方，进行人格抹黑，只是为了在那一刻保护自己。

And so a lot of men collapse in to a type of defensiveness or reactivity to go on the attack, to character assassinate, to, you know, sort of just defend themselves in that moment.

所以我们需要学会调节情绪，然后做出回应，而不是在别人说话时，任由内心的情绪主导反应。

So we need to be able to regulate and then respond versus just reacting from whatever emotion comes up inside of us when somebody else is talking.

有时候，这意味着我们必须能够倾听别人对我们所说的话，而不变得防御或反应过度。

And sometimes that means that we have to be able to hear what somebody is saying to us and about us without becoming defensive, without becoming reactive.

你怎么做到的

How do you do

呢？

that?

你的呼吸是其中很重要的一部分。

Your breath is a big part of it.

我觉得这其实是一件非常简单的事情。

Like, I think this is just a very simple thing.

你的呼吸对于调节你的神经系统至关重要。

Like, your breath is a huge piece of regulating your nervous system.

所以，对于我接触的很多男性来说，当出现这种时刻时，维克多·弗兰克尔有一句很美的话：在刺激和反应之间，有一个停顿，我们必须能够感受到这个停顿。

And so, you know, for a lot of guys that I work with, when they there's this moment, Victor Frankl has this beautiful phrase, which is between stimulus and response, there's a pause, and we have to be able to feel that pause.

所以对很多男性来说，一听到负面内容，比如你忘了某件事，伴侣很生气，她说：‘我不是让你做吗？’

So for a lot of guys, as soon as they hear hard content, you know, it's like you forgot something and your partner's upset, and she's like, how could you have forgotten to do that?

我提醒过你的。

I asked you.

我给你发了短信。

I texted you.

突然间，羞愧、内疚和那种沉重感涌上来，天哪。

And all of a sudden, the shame and the guilt and the, you know, the heaviness, Oh, fuck.

我搞砸了，或者那种防御心理就冒出来了。

I fucked up, or, like, the defensiveness that happens.

能够有意识地深呼吸几次，让内心涌动的情绪强度和冲动稍微平复下来，而不是立刻从那种情绪中做出反应。

Being able to literally take some breaths so that the emotional intensity and the charge that has happened inside of you can subside a little bit instead of immediately reacting from that place.

我们大多数男人的做法，就是立刻从那种情绪中做出反应。

What most of us do as men is immediately react from that place.

所以我们是在羞愧中做出反应。

So we're reacting from the shame.

我们是在愤怒中做出反应。

We're reacting from the anger.

我们是在防御和尴尬中做出反应。

We're reacting from the defensiveness and the embarrassment.

所以我教很多男性的是，在回应之前先深呼吸三次。

And so what I teach a lot of men is just like, take three breaths before you respond.

我知道这听起来太简单了，简单到让人觉得傻。

I know it sounds super simple and super it's, like, so simple that it sounds dumb.

但如果你能开始打断从情绪中立即反应的模式，你就能建立一条新的路径，通过深呼吸来让自己的系统‘下调’。

But if you can just start to interrupt the pattern of reacting immediately from an emotion, you can create a new pathway of being able to take some breaths so that you can, quote unquote, down regulate your system.

或者至少，你能意识到自己内心正在发生什么。

Or at the very least, you can get some awareness of what is happening inside of me.

所以深呼吸，理解自己内心正在发生什么，然后你可以选择将它搁置一旁，或者表达出来。

So take a breath, understand what's happening inside of yourself, and then you can either choose to set that aside or you can voice it.

对吧？

Right?

就像是，哦，我听到你了，但我感到非常防御，我要暂停一下。

It's like, oh, I hear you, and I feel really defensive, I'm gonna pause.

你知道的？

You know?

或者我明白你的意思，你说得对。

Or I get what you're saying, and you're right.

我完全忘了做那件事。

I totally forgot to do that.

我会处理好的。

I'll take care of it.

所以你不会把正在发生的事个人化，而是能够真正地与自己的体验共处。

So you you don't personalize what's happening, and you're able to actually stay with your experience.

我冥想老师称之为正念缺口，没错。

The mindfulness gap is what my meditation teacher referred to it as Yes.

就像一种空间。

Like space.

我确实知道在我生命中那些我拥有最多这种空间的时期。

I certainly know the periods in my life where I've had that the most.

有几件事情特别有趣，当时有人变得非常激动。

There's a few incidents that were really, really funny where somebody got very agitated.

比如我在英国一家Nando's餐厅遇到的一个家伙。

Like, this guy in a Nando's I was in in The UK.

我当时和我的朋友们在一起。

I was with my friends.

我总是用这个例子来说明。

Always use this as an example.

这太好笑了。

It's so funny.

这个家伙总是去Nando's。

And this guy sort of Always Nando's.

我认识他，我知道。

Had him I know.

我知道。

I know.

渣滓。

Scum.

我出身非常工薪阶层，所以对我来说，Nando's 是一种巨大的享受。

I'm very working class, which is why Nandos for me is a a huge treat.

我走过他的桌子。

I walked past his table.

他因为我靠得太近而对我发火。

He kicked off at me because he thought that I got too close.

那时我正处于深度、深度、深度的冥想状态。

And this was, like, deep, deep, deep meditation mode me.

那是我最极致的僧侣模式，每天早上花三小时进行感恩冥想。

Like, this was the peak monk mode, three hour morning routine, like, gratitude.

那时我正在坚持戒酒一千天，同时戒掉咖啡因五百天。

This is when I was doing, I think, a thousand days sober and five hundred days without caffeine at the same time.

哦，戒酒这件事很棒。

Oh, for it's the the alcohol thing's great.

戒咖啡因简直痛苦又毫无意义，但确实学到了很好的一课。

The caffeine thing's fucking miserable and pointless, but was a a good lesson to learn.

总之，这家伙突然发火了，而我也不知道为什么。

Anyway, this guy kicks off, and because I've I don't know.

他显然那天心情很糟。

He was obviously having a bad day.

明显处于崩溃边缘。

Like, was obviously on the edge.

他那天心情很糟。

He was having a bad day.

我记得看着这一切发生，只是转过身说了声‘哦’，然后继续走开了。

And I remember, like, watching this thing unfold, and I just turned around and said, oh, and kept on walking.

他突然爆发了。

And he'd made this big sort of explosion.

哦，让我告诉你一件事。

Oh, let me give you this.

你一定会喜欢这个的。

You're gonna fucking love this.

你有乔·哈德森的吗？

You got any Joe Hudson yet?

我是不是让你喜欢上乔了？

Have I got you into Joe?

我是个追求成就的人。

I Hard of accomplishment guy.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯。

Yeah.

他身上有你的味道。

He stinks of you.

所以他教了我一个叫‘迷走神经权威’的概念。

So he taught me this idea called, vagal authority.

嗯。

Uh-huh.

你已经知道这意味着什么了。

You already know what it means.

对吧？

Right?

比如，你在一间房间里，有个人的神经系统失衡了，另一个人也失衡了。

Like, you're in a room, somebody's nervous system is dysregulated, somebody's dysregulated.

房间里的其他人会往哪个方向走？

Which way does the rest of the room go?

嗯。

Yeah.

那你呢？你会往哪个方向走？

And which way do you go?

那个家伙，我掌握了迷走神经的主导权。

That guy there, I held the vagal authority.

现在我不确定他是否能接受我的稳定状态，回到家里后还能像那样，我不知道。

Now I'm not sure if he was able to take my regulation and go back to his family and be like, I don't know.

我不该发那么大火的。

I don't think I should have blown up that much.

那个家伙只是走到我的桌子旁边。

That guy just walked near my table.

嗯。

Yeah.

也许不该。

Maybe not.

但是

But

但问题是，我如此平静，不仅能让自己保持在想要的状态，而你却在做别的事，甚至可能我还有多余的调节能力，让你可以借用一些？

But the the the idea that I am so regulated that not only can I keep myself where I want to be while you are doing something else, but also I maybe have so much surplus that you can kind of borrow from it?

是的。

Yes.

就像我的杯子满得溢出来，溢出的水还能填满你的杯子。

Like, my cup is so full that the saucer that overflows around it can fill yours up.

是的。

Yes.

而且，当我想到情感安全时，这种调节能力是非常重要的一部分。

And, yeah, when I think about emotional safety, that regulation piece is a a huge part.

但我猜很多男性会担心或害怕。

But I guess a lot of guys will worry or fear.

我如何在不失去自己的根基、力量、吸引力以及来自伴侣和周围人的钦佩的情况下，拓展情感范围？

How do I build emotional range without losing my grounding or my strength or my attractiveness and my admiration from my partner and from people around me?

我们稍后继续讨论，但首先，如果你最近感觉有些迟钝，你的睾酮水平可能是问题所在。

We'll get back to talking in just one second, but first, if you have been feeling a bit sluggish, your testosterone levels might be the problem.

它们在你的能量、专注力和表现中起着至关重要的作用，但大多数人根本不知道自己的水平如何，也不知道出了问题该怎么做。这就是我为什么与Function合作，因为我希望找到一种更智能、更全面的方式来真正了解我体内发生的变化。

They play a huge role in your energy, your focus, and your performance, but most people have no idea where those are or what to do if something's off, Which is why I partnered with Function because I wanted a smarter and more comprehensive way to actually understand what's happening inside of my body.

他们每年两次进行实验室检测，监测超过100项生物标志物。

Twice a year, they run lab tests that monitor over 100 biomarkers.

他们有一支专家医生团队分析数据，并为你提供切实可行的建议，以改善你的健康和延长寿命。

They've got a team of expert physicians that analyze the data and give you actionable advice to improve your health and lifespan.

看到你的睾酮水平以及其他大量生物标志物在一年内的变化趋势，并获得切实可行的建议来改善它们，能为你提供一条清晰的路径，让你的生活变得更好。

And seeing your testosterone levels and tons of other biomarkers charted over the course of a year with actionable insights to actually improve them gives you a clear path to making your life better.

通常情况下，进行这样的血液检测和分析需要花费数千美元，但通过Function，只需499美元。

Getting your blood work drawn and analyzed like this would usually cost thousands, but with function, it's just $499.

而现在，你可以享受100美元的折扣，价格降至399美元。

And right now, you can get a $100 off, bringing it down to $399.

点击下方链接或访问FunctionHealth.com/modernwisdom，获取我和我使用的相同血液检测套餐，并节省100美元。

Get the exact same blood panels that I get and save that $100 by going to the link in the description below or heading to Function Health dot com slash Modern Wisdom.

网址是functionhealth.com/modernwisdom。

That's functionhealth.com/modernwisdom.

我认为，我真正想说的是，这是一种情感上的容纳，但这种容纳并非通过压抑实现。

Well, I think I think that that's when you what I'm really talking about is a type of emotional containment, but is containment not through suppression.

并不是切断你对感受的连接。

It's not by cutting yourself off from what you feel.

也不是说要斩断你的情绪，或让自己对情绪麻木。

It's not about, you know, beheading your emotions or or numbing yourself out from them.

实际上，这是通过深入理解和感受当下每一刻的情绪，从而获得对它们的掌控，使它们无法左右你。

It's actually by gaining a mastery through deeply understanding and feeling what you're feeling in any given moment to the degree that they do not control you.

对于普通男性来说，发生的情况是：他们感受到某种情绪，然后就变成了那种情绪。

For the average man, what happens is that they feel something and they become something.

他们感到愤怒，于是就变得愤怒。

They feel anger and they become angry.

他们感到羞耻，于是就变得羞耻。

They feel shame and they're shameful.

对吧？

Right?

于是情绪一出现，他们就变成了那种情绪。

And so the emotion comes up and then they become that emotion.

然后他们从那种情绪出发做出反应。

And then they respond from that emotion.

他们从那种情绪中做出反应，而不是说：‘哦，那种情绪又来了。’

They react from that emotion versus, oh, there's that emotion.

我知道自己正在感受这种情绪，我能感受到它，但我仍能与这种情绪保持足够的距离，从而以一种沉稳的方式做出回应。

I know that I'm feeling that emotion, and I can feel that emotion, but I can still have enough space from that emotion that I can still respond in a grounded way.

这种情绪的掌控力、这种情绪的调节能力，正是当你观察马可·奥勒留、伟大的领导者，或者我做过一个视频的阿拉贡——关于《指环王》中阿拉贡的男子气概，这事儿超级宅，但我确实是个宅男，所以我觉得值得做一下。

And this this type of emotional containment, this type of emotional regulation is really what when you look at people like Marcus Aurelius, when you look at really great leaders, when you look at Aragon I did this video about, you know, the the masculinity of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, which is super fucking nerdy, but I'm kind of a nerd, so I thought I would do it.

成为一个能够应对自身内在强烈情绪与能量的人，从而学会处理他人身上的强度与能量。

It's it's becoming a a man who is capable of dealing with the intensity and the charge within himself so that he can learn to deal with the intensity and the charge of others.

这是一种天赋。

That is a gift.

对吧？

Right?

这种天赋，是我们男性可以给予世界、给予我们的孩子、给予我们的朋友、给予我们的家人、给予生命中女性的礼物。

That is a gift that we as men can provide the world, can provide our children, can provide our friends, can provide our family, the women in our life.

对许多女性来说，当她们说‘我想要安全感’时，指的就是这个。

And for a lot of women, that is what they're saying when they say, I want safety.

我想要情感上的共鸣。

I want emotional attunement.

现在，让你让所有女性都感到安全并不是你的责任。

Now it's not your job to make all women safe.

这几乎是不可能的。

That's kind of impossible.

这也不是你的责任。

It's not your job to do that.

同样，你也不需要总是让你约会的女性感觉更好。

It's also not your job to, you know, help the woman that you're dating feel better all the time.

那是取悦他人和情感依赖，以及所有类似的东西。

That's people pleasing and codependency and all that other type of stuff.

但你可以提供的是情绪上的包容。

But what you can bring is containment.

而这种包容有时可以表现为不同的方式。

And sometimes that containment can look different ways.

比如，你的伴侣、女朋友或妻子说了些越界的话。

It can be, you know, your partner, your girlfriend, or your wife saying something that's crossing a line.

这就像一点刺探或尖锐的言辞。

That's like a little bit of a jab or an edge.

而你却说：我不喜欢这样。

And you saying, I didn't like that.

别再这样了。

Don't do that again.

我爱你。

I love you.

我不喜欢你这样跟我说话。

I don't like when you talk to me like that.

这并不是威胁。

And it's it's not a threat.

也不是生气。

It's not angry.

你并没有发火。

You're not blowing up.