为什么你感觉不到被爱（即使你确实被爱着）- 索尼娅·柳博米尔斯基 - #1115

就像你可能很漂亮，但感觉不到自己漂亮。

Like, it's like you could be beautiful, but you don't feel beautiful.

你可能很聪明，但觉得自己不聪明，那就有问题了。

You could be smart and you don't feel smart, then, you know, that's a problem.

你可能不信，但这就是极致睡眠优化的样子。

You might not believe me, but this is what peak sleep optimization looks like.

我不是在说睡衣。

Not talking about the nightgown.

那只是为了看起来有吸引力。

It's just for sex appeal.

我说的是我的Eight Sleep睡眠系统。

I'm talking about my Eight Sleep.

Eight Sleep Pod五代配有一个智能床罩，能独立调节床的两侧温度，最高可调20度。

The Eight Sleep Pod five comes with a smart cover you throw on your mattress that actively cools or heats each side of the bed up to 20 degrees.

现在他们还推出了全球首款温控被套和枕套。

And now they've added the world's first temperature regulating duvet and pillowcase.

这样你就能获得全方位的覆盖，睡得深沉又安稳。

You've So got 360 degree coverage for deep, uninterrupted rest.

就像当了迪士尼，还不用进冷冻舱，也不用背负那些争议。

It's like being Walt Disney without the cryogenic chamber and the racism.

最棒的是，它的自动模式会学习你的睡眠习惯，实时调整来提升睡眠质量。

Best of all, their autopilot feature learns your sleep patterns and makes adjustments to improve your sleep in real time.

它甚至能检测到你打鼾，自动把你的头部抬高几厘米，帮你呼吸更顺畅。

It even detects when you're snoring and lifts your head a few inches to help you breathe better.

所以，Eight Sleep 已经被临床证明，每晚能帮你多睡整整一小时的优质睡眠。

That's why Eight Sleep has been clinically proven to add up to one hour of quality sleep per night.

他们提供三十天的试用期，你买回去可以睡上二十九晚。

They have a thirty day sleep trial, you can buy it and sleep on it for 29 nights.

如果你不满意，全额退款，一点问题都没有。

If you don't like it, they will give you your money back.

而且，他们支持全球配送。

Plus, they ship internationally.

现在通过点击下方描述中的链接，或者访问 8sleep.com/modernwisdom 并在结账时输入代码 Modern wisdom，就能最多省下 350 美元。

Right now, you can get up to $350 off the Pod five by going to the link in the description below or heading to 8sleep.com/modernwisdom and using the code Modern wisdom at checkout.

就是 eightsleep.com/modernwisdom，结账时用 modernwisdom 这个代码。

That's eightsleep.com/modernwisdom and modernwisdom at checkout.

你觉得，接受爱也是一种需要学习的本事吗？

Is there a skill to accepting love, do you think?

这种能力，是能慢慢培养出来的吗？

Is that something that can be developed over time?

举个轻松点的例子，每个人身边都有那种朋友，你真心夸他一句，他立马给你驳回去。

You know, to use a more flippant example, everyone's got that friend that when you pay them a genuine compliment, they dismiss it.

这有点像英国人接夸奖的方式。

This is kind of like the British approach to receiving a compliment.

哦，他们就会说：‘没有没有，你太夸张了，我今天哪有看起来多好。’

Oh, they they didn't you must be not you you, you look really good today.

如果你整天就忙着打扮自己准备参加派对，那你也肯定看起来很棒。

Well, if you had nothing else to do with your life other than get ready ready for a party, you too would look great.

然后你就说：嘿，老兄。

And you go, hey, dude.

我可是费了好大劲儿，就想给你点什么好的。

I've just worked really hard to try and give you something.

这本该是让你开心、也让我因为让你开心而开心的机会，结果咱们俩都不开心了。

That's an opportunity for you to feel good and for me to feel good for making you feel good, and now neither of us feel good.

所以，恭喜你啊。

So congratulations.

不过，确实让我想到这件事，而且是更深层次的——接受爱的能力。

But, yeah, it makes me think about that, but at a much deeper level, right, the skill of accepting love.

没错。

Right.

说得太对了。

And absolutely true.

其实你的例子特别好，我发现随着朋友和我年纪渐长，我们越来越能坦然接受赞美了。

And, actually, your example is great because I've noticed that as my friends and I get older, we are better at receiving compliments.

我们只是在学习接受，接受别人的慷慨。

We're just sort of receiving, receiving generosity.

这就像一种我们不断练习的本事。

It's like it just the practice we practice and practice and practice.

我注意到，至少在某些圈子里，大家更注重自我成长了，都在认真地提升自己。

And I see that, like, there's more of a focus on kind of self development, you know, at least in certain circles, and people are really working on themselves.

而且，确实，我在各处都能看到这种现象。

And, yeah, I see that everywhere.

所以我觉得，几乎所有事情只要多练习，都会进步，哪怕一开始感觉特别别扭。

So, yeah, I I think almost everything can get better with practice even when it feels really unnatural at first.

为什么拥有分享的心态这么重要？

Why is having a sharing mindset so important?

我们之前聊过，感受到被爱的关键在于被理解。

We were talking about how the key to feeling loved is to be known.

对吧？

Right?

所以如果你根本不了解我，我就没法真正感受到你对我的爱，对吧？

So if you don't know me, I'll never really feel loved by you because right?

我总在想，如果你真的了解我，还会爱我吗？

Because I always wonder, would he love me if he knew me?

你该怎么真正了解我呢？

How do you get to know me?

我得更多地向你展现真实的自己。

I need to share more of myself.

不一定要分享伤痛，也不用什么都倒出来。

It doesn't have to be trauma sharing or oversharing.

得把握好节奏，慢慢来。

It has to be done at the right pace.

而且我还得有足够的情商，懂得察言观色。

And also, I need to really have some emotional intelligence, like read the room.

所以我得更敞开心扉，对吧？

So I need to share more of myself, right?

不只是展示光鲜的一面，而是更真实地展现我自己。

Not just the highlight reel, but more of myself.

但也不是要把所有缺点都倒出来。

But again, not like to spill all my weaknesses.

我会先试探一下气氛，对吧？

I would want to test the room, right?

所以当你问我‘你怎么样’的时候。

So when you ask me, How are you?

大多数时候我都会说，还行。

Most of the time I say, Fine.

也许我可以先说，嗯，今天其实有点不顺，遇到点事。

Maybe I might start with, oh, I had you know, I was sort of struggling today with something.

比如，早上过得挺糟的。

You know, I had a rough morning.

然后我观察你的反应，看看你是不是真想听我讲讲这糟糕的早上。

And then I look at your reaction and see, like, are you really interested to hear about my rough morning?

这就像是先试探一下水温。

And that's kind of the toe in the water.

然后你可以慢慢分享得更多。

And then you can share more and more.

所以我只是想让大家明白，我说的并不是一味地倾诉所有心事。

So I just wanna, like, make sure that people understand that it's not just, like, oversharing I'm talking about.

对。

Mhmm.

而是展现你内心真正相信的自己。

But it's showing, like, who are you who do you believe to be on the inside?

就是更多地呈现那一面。

Like, showing more of that.

比如，什么对我重要。

You know, what matters to me.

不一定是负面的事情。

It doesn't have to be something negative.

可能就是我对那部大家都喜欢的电影的看法，但我其实不喜欢。

It could just be like my opinion about that movie that maybe everyone likes, but I don't like it.

展现一些真实的我，让你知道我是个什么样的人。

You know, showing something genuine about me, you know, that, yeah, that shows you who I am.

这里其实也有一种很有趣的双向互动关系。

It's an interesting bidirectional relationship here too.

对吧？

Right?

我也会想到英国的情况。

I think about The UK as well.

英国有一种很不错的调侃文化，尤其是小时候成长过程中。

There is a good culture of mocking in The UK, especially as you're a kid growing up.

大家你一言我一语地互相打趣、开玩笑。

There's a a piss taking banter back and forth.

有意思的是，如果你提出一个稍微有点不一样的观点——我说点跟大多数人预期不一样的东西。

One of the interesting things there is if you try to put a slightly orthogonal opinion forward, I'm gonna say something that's a little bit different to what most people expect.

通常人家不会说，‘这真有意思。’

Typically, that's not met with, oh, that's really interesting.

人家只会说，‘我从来没想过这种事。’

Like, that's that's I've never thought about stuff like that before.

这挺酷的。

That's really cool.

我很高兴你提到了这一点。

I'm really glad that you brought that up.

你干嘛要这么说？

It's why would you say that?

这也太奇怪了吧。

That's so strange.

如果你把这放在人际关系里看，两个人这么来回互动，越不被鼓励、越没人说‘哇’，

And I think if you think about that in the context of a relationship, the fact that this is going back and forth between two people means that the less it is encouraged and received wow.

你说了句让我意外的话，可能你鼓起勇气才说出口，结果却没有得到回应或支持，那下次你可能就不想再说了。

That thing that you said that was evidently surprising to me that might have taken a little bit of effort for you to say that wasn't received and encouraged in the way that might make you want to continue to do it more.

这意味着你越来越少这么做，也不太愿意去做了，结果我就更不了解你，也就失去了去这样做的机会。

That means that you do it less and are less encouraged to do it, which means that I know you less, which means that I don't get the opportunity to do it.

这简直是个恶性循环。

It's a vicious cycle.

其实刚有人跟我讲，有一次他们敞开心扉，结果却因此受到了惩罚。

And, actually, someone was just telling me, like, they had one time they were vulnerable, and they really got punished for it.

别人还因此评判他们。

They got judged for it.

那些话后来还被拿来对付他们。

It was used against them.

那只是百分之一的情况，但他们从此再也不愿向任何人袒露自己了。

It was one out of a 100 times, and yet they now don't wanna reveal anything ever about themselves.

我们往往会从这种个别经历中做出过度推论。

And we kinda overgeneralize from that.

这是一次塑造性的经历。

It's a formative experience.

我是说，网上这种事我见得太多了，也知道人们在网上说话总爱拿最极端的例子来讲。

I mean, how many times I see this online a lot, and I'm aware people use the most extreme examples when they talk on the Internet.

但你见过多少次这样的故事？一个人鼓起勇气向伴侣、父母、密友，或者信任的人敞开心扉，结果却伤透了心。

But how many times do you see some story online about a person who really tried to open up to a partner, to a to a parent, to a close friend, to a a a confidant?

那次经历太痛苦了，以至于对他来说，敞开心扉、寻求爱、渴望被理解，全都变成了这种痛苦的感觉。

And it was such a painful experience for them that, like, that is the formative experience of what opening up, of what asking to be loved, of what asking to be known feels like.

没错，这确实太残酷了。

And, yeah, that's that's ruthless.

我有个朋友叫罗布·亨德森，他跟我讲过一个观点：如果你向一百个女孩表白，被拒了九十九次，那最后一次被拒也不过是小事一桩。

There's a Rob Henderson, my friend, told me this idea where he said, if you if you get rejected by one girl, but you've gone up to a 100 even if you get rejected by a 100, getting rejected by one is just another drop in the bucket.

但如果你只向一个女孩表白过，结果还被拒了，那这件事就成了你这辈子最重要的创伤。

But if you've have only ever gone up to one girl and you get rejected that one time, it's the biggest event in your entire life.

同样的道理也适用于其他方面。

And the same thing goes for, hey.

所以如果你打算向谁敞开心扉，最好先选一个不太可能伤害你的人，至少别一上来就碰上个混蛋。

Maybe this is an example for if you're gonna open up to somebody, make sure that the first one has got a high hit rate of at least not being an asshole to you.

是的

Yeah.

没错

Exactly.

正是这样

Exactly.

但负面经历比正面的更深刻，所以我们更容易记住那些不好的事

But bad is stronger than good, so we remember those bad events.

这也说明，父母在育儿时或许更应该以身作则，示范如何分享和倾听

It also suggests that maybe a parenting something that parents should emphasize is like to to model kind of sharing and sharing and listening.

而且正如你所说，我们谈分享的时候，根本离不开对方的回应

And I should say that, you know, we really can't talk about sharing without talking about how the person responds, as you say.

所以对我来说，真正感受到被爱，其实是从好奇开始的

And so actually feeling loved for me, I would argue, starts with curiosity.

对吧

Right?

所以这始于你真正对我感兴趣，提出深入的问题。

So it starts with really you being curious about me and asking deep questions.

然后我就知道我可以敞开心扉。

And then I know I can share.

我感到安心。

I feel safe.

我有动力去分享。

I feel inspired to share.

我不是随便说点什么，还得猜你到底在不在乎，会不会觉得尴尬，会不会评判我，或者拿我的话去对付我。

So I'm not just sharing out of the blue and I'm I have to guess whether you care or not or whether it's gonna be uncomfortable or whether you're gonna judge me or use it against me.

所以这一切真的都始于好奇心。

So it really starts with curiosity.

真正的好奇心其实很少见，你想想，有多少人真的关心你内心的想法，还会主动问你很多问题呢？

And genuine curiosity is so rare, really, when you think about it, how often do people really, really care about what goes on in your inner life and, like, you know, ask you a lot of questions.

对。

Mhmm.

总之，我想要表达的是，当一个人真心想知道另一个人的答案，并主动提问时，对方才会愿意回应分享。

Anyway, so that that's that's where really I'm coming from is that someone asks another person a a question they genuinely are interested in in getting an answer to, and then you share in response.

你不会无缘无故地突然就开始倾诉。

You don't just kinda, you know, share out of the blue.

明白了。

Okay.

所以这是一种分享的心态。

So sharing mindset Yeah.

在互动时，你心里清楚，自己会比平时更敞开心扉，而这种变化是自然发生的。

Stepping into an interaction with the understanding, I'm going to put more of myself across than I might naturally, tend to, and that's gonna happen.

这会是一个逐步展开的过程。

It's gonna unfold over time.

我不会一上来就倒苦水。

I'm not gonna trauma dump immediately.

关于分享心态，还有别的想说的吗？

And what what else just on the sharing mindset?

还有没有其他一些大家容易踩的坑？

Are there any other sort of, pitfalls that people

需要特别注意的？

should be aware of?

别太着急。

Go slow.

就是那个‘脆弱的悖论’，我们刚才其实已经聊到了，只是没点破。

Well, the vulnerability paradox, which we're kinda hitting on without naming it.

所以脆弱悖论就是，我们总以为展现脆弱会让别人更喜欢我们。

So vulnerability paradox is that we think being vulnerable will lead other people to like us less.

但事实上，大家通常会更喜欢我们。

On average, people like us more.

挺有意思的。

Interesting.

对。

Yeah.

你觉得这是为什么呢？

Why do you think that's the case?

因为我们总是倾向于关注负面信息。

So so we think, yeah, we're we're so focused on the bad.

比如，我暴露了自己某个不好的习惯，心里想着这太糟糕了，别人肯定觉得我很差劲。

Like, I reveal some kind of, I don't know, like, bad habit I have, and the other and other people and we I think it's so terrible.

但实际上，别人可能只觉得这很正常，甚至他们自己也有同样的习惯。

People will judge me and I'm embarrassed, and other people just think it's human, or maybe they have the same habit.

其实，几周前我发生了一件事，我那次演讲彻底搞砸了。

Actually, something happened to me a few weeks ago where I really I totally bombed giving a talk.

我平时从不这样，但那次我完全大脑一片空白。

Like, I I I usually never do, but I just completely blanked out.

我就那么站在台上，心里想，接下来该说什么我完全不知道。

And I was just standing there on stage, and I'm like, I don't know what comes next.

我甚至直接说了，我不知道该说什么。

I literally said, I don't know what what to say.

那真是尴尬到极点。

And it was mortifying.

我没法告诉你，后来有多少人过来跟我说，索尼亚，我真的很喜欢你的演讲。

And I can't tell you how many people came up to me later and were like, Sonja, like, I I I loved it.

反而让你显得更真实了。

Like, it just made you more human.

我原本觉得丢脸到不行的事，别人却觉得那是特别有人情味的失误。

You know, they so the thing that I thought was mortifying, other people thought was, like, acute human failure.

对。

Mhmm.

那其实是一种挺常见的现象。

And that's that's that was an un Are familiar

你听说过‘失误效应’吗？

are you familiar with the pratfall effect?

你了解这个吗？

Do you know this?

是的。

Yes.

就是有个人考试全对，但交卷时铅笔掉地上了。

So it's when somebody gets all of the answers right in a test, but they drop their pencils on the way up to hand their paper in.

这是项英国研究，用的是‘prat’这个词。

And it's a a British study, the word prat.

我不确定‘prat’这个词在美国有没有人用。

I don't know whether the word prat has come over to America.

不过我们就是喜欢看到人有真实的一面，这挺奇怪的，因为大家通常以为我们只希望别人完美无缺。

Anyway, we we like people who show their human side, which is which is strange, right, because there's an assumption that we just want everybody to be as perfect as possible.

有位著名编剧说过一句特别棒的话：如果你想写个没人喜欢的角色，那就把他塑造成完美的。

There's a great line from a famous screenwriter who said, if you wanna write a character that no one connects with, make them perfect.

明白吧？

Alright?

其实我们根本不需要完美，因为那不像是真人。

So we actually don't want perfection because it's not human.

这没什么意思。

It's not interesting.

这也不复杂。

It's not complex.

我想给你看个视频。

I wanna show you a video.

杰瑞德，能把那个体操女孩的视频调出来吗？

Jared, can you pull up that video of that gymnastics girl?

你看看这个场面。

So there's this there's a look at this.

就专心看这个视频。

Just watch watch this video.

好。

Okay.

爸爸，我有点害怕。

Daddy, I'm scared.

我不勇敢。

I'm not brave.

真傻。

Dumb.

我勇敢。

I'm brave.

你才勇敢。

You are brave.

你做的那些事，没人做过。

You do things that no one else has ever done.

你练的那些动作，连大人都觉得不可思议。

You are doing skills that are insane to even adults.

你小小的身体里，比一千个人加起来都更有勇气。

You have more courage in your little body than a thousand people have in of their bodies combined.

你是我的，我也是你的。

You are mine, and I am yours.

没错。

Right.

不管你做什么，我都不会停止爱你。

Nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you.

你做什么都不会让我放弃你。

Nothing you will do will ever cause me to give up on you.

我觉得你选错了，我会直接告诉你。

I'm going to let you know when I think you're making a bad choice.

我不会让你贬低自己。

I am not going to let you talk down on yourself.

我不会让你放弃自己，也不会让你因为害怕就退缩。

I'm not going to let you give up on yourself, and I'm not gonna let you quit because something might be scary.

如果你真的不喜欢某件事，你可以放弃，但不能因为害怕就退出。

You can quit if you truly don't love something, but you cannot quit because something might scare you.

明白吗？

Okay?

你没有让我失望。

You are not failing me.

如果我让你觉得你不够好，或者我不在乎你，那我这个父亲就没尽到责任。

And if I have made you feel like you are not good enough or that I don't care about you, then I have not done my job as a father.

我非常爱你。

I love you very much.

明白吗？

Okay?

我觉得你并不坏。

And I don't think that you're bad.

我永远不希望你觉得我会不在你身边，或者不愿意付出一切，帮你实现你想要的成功。

I don't ever want you to think that I wouldn't be there and do whatever it takes to make sure that you can be successful doing whatever you want to do.

因为归根结底，这是你自己告诉我你想做的事。

Because at the end of the day, this is something you have told me you want to do.

如果你真的不喜欢啦啦队，那会怎么样？

Now if you truly do not love cheer, guess what?

你不用非得继续啦啦队。

You don't have to do cheer.

如果你真的喜欢啦啦队，那我会在你因为觉得自己不够好，或者觉得太难、太吓人而做蠢决定的时候提醒你。

If you truly love doing cheer, then yes, I'm going to let you know when I think you are making a silly decision because you don't think you're good enough or because you think something is too hard or too scary.

你唯一的限制，就是你自己设下的限制。

The only limits that you have are the limits that you put on yourself.

如果你老是跟自己说你做不到，你觉得会怎样？

If you keep telling yourself you are incapable of doing something, guess what?

那你就会拦住自己，不让自己去尝试。

You will prevent yourself from doing something.

如果你告诉自己，你一定能做成，哪怕一时没成功，你觉得会怎样？

If you tell yourself that you can achieve something, even if it doesn't happen right away, guess what?

你最终一定会做到的。

You will eventually end up doing it.

把这件事做成。

Achieving it.

但咱们得在这儿坚强起来，才能发挥出真正的实力，对吧？

But we have to be able to be strong here, right, to make this do what we are capable of doing.

一切从这里开始。

It starts with this.

明白吗？

Okay?

你听到这话时，心里想到的是什么？

What do you think of when you say that?

好的。

Okay.

有几点想法。

A couple of things.

他能看穿她害怕的真正原因，不只是怕做这个翻转动作，而是担心如果失败了，爸爸可能就不爱她了——这真的很打动人。

Well, it was beautiful that he could go underneath what her fear was not just she's afraid of, you know, doing this this flip, but she's afraid that if she fails that maybe her dad won't love her, which is really beautiful.

他真正触到了她内心的恐惧。

Like, he gets under the fear.

不过我确实有一个意见。

And I do have one critique.

他刚才说的那些，确实很动人，这一点毋庸置疑。

He that was beautiful, obviously, what he said.

对。

Mhmm.

但我对这位父亲还是有一点看法。

But I do have one critique of this dad.

嗯。

Mhmm.

话说回来。

Well, hey.

如果有人愿意接受反馈的话，我觉得这位叫安东尼的父亲就是那种人。

If if anyone is open to feedback, something tells me that it's Anthony, the the dad.

我的意思是，这种治疗方式，我可不是心理治疗师。

And it is that the what what therapy I'm not a therapist.

哪有治疗师会说，你得先认可她说的话？

What therapist says that you wanna first validate what she says.

对吧？

Right?

她一直说：我害怕。

So she kept saying, I'm scared.

可他却说：不，

And he's like, no.

你一点都不怕。

You're not scared.

按理说，你应该做的事，其实恰恰是不该做的。

And and I guess the what you're supposed to do is kinda not supposed to do.

对吧？

Right?

理想情况下，你应该先认可她的感受，比如说：我明白你现在很害怕，然后才慢慢引导她，再讲那一番大道理。

Ideally, you wanna kinda validate, like, I I understand you feel scared right now or something like that, and then go and talk about it and give the speech that

你明白了。

you got.

先对情绪做一些认可。

A bit of validation in the emotions.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

先认可。

First validate.

没错。

Yeah.

你觉得在接收爱和付出爱的时候，这一点重要吗？

Is that important, do you think, when receiving love and trying to give it as well?

对。

Mhmm.

这真有意思。

It's so interesting.

我们经常谈到的一点是。

So one thing we talk about right.

比如说，你想要感受到更多的爱，于是更敞开心扉，而我在认真听你说。

Like, let's say you're sharing more of yourself because you wanna feel more loved, and so you are sharing more of yourself, and then I'm listening.

倾听真的特别关键。

So listening is so critical.

大多数人其实都不是很会倾听。

Most of us are not very good listeners.

那我们平时试图倾听的时候，都在做什么呢？

And so what we do when we're trying to listen?

有项研究发现，我们听人说话的时候，有25%的时间心思根本不在上面。

Turns out the one study showed 25% of the time when we're listening, our mind is wandering.

我觉得实际比例可能更高，因为我们脑子里总在嘀咕，容易分心，或者更常见的是，已经在心里盘算着该怎么回应你了。

And I bet it's higher than that because we have this inner chatter, we're distracted, or mostly we're rehearsing what we wanna say next, right, how I'm gonna respond to you.

而且我们总是想帮忙解决问题或者给建议，我本人就经常这样，而不是单纯地让对方觉得被听见了——这正是我们刚才说的，先认可对方的感受。

And and and we also wanna sort of fix or give advice, which I do all the time, instead of just simply making the person feel heard, which is what we're just talking about, and just validate it.

对吧？

Right?

真的让人感慨。

Which is like, wow.

那一定特别艰难，或者特别鼓舞人心。

That must have been really hard, or that must have been really inspiring.

你是怎么感觉的？

You know, how did that feel?

这听起来像心理咨询的话，但你可以用自己的方式表达。

And again, that sounds like therapy talk, but you can put in your own words.

我觉得现在确实有点太偏向于认可，而忽视了实际解决问题。

I do think the pendulum has swung a little too far on, like, validating over fixing.

你看过那个特别火的‘钉子在头上’的视频吗？

You know that nail in the head video that's so popular?

那个头上扎着钉子的女士？

The woman who has this nail in the head?

你一定要看看这个视频。

Oh, you've gotta watch this.

好。

Okay.

她头上插着一根钉子，还说疼得要命，所有毛衣都快被她磨破了。

So she has a nail in the head, and she's like, oh, I feel I'm in such pain, and all my all my sweaters are are shredding.

那个男人却说：你头上不是插着根钉子吗？

And the guy's like, well, you have this nail in your head.

其实这个视频的重点是，她只是希望有人能听她说说话。

And and she's like and basically, the point of the video is she just wants to be heard.

等那人终于说了一句：真抱歉。

And then once he says, I'm so sorry.

头上插着钉子，一定特别疼吧。

It must be so painful for you to have a nail in your head.

然后她就说，哎呀。

And then she's like, ugh.

对吧？

Right?

这个视频的重点就在于此，而他却一直想给她提建议。

And that's the point of the video, whereas he keeps trying to give her advice.

你应该把头上的钉子拔出来。

Can you you should take the nail out of your head.

那样你就不会那么疼了，也不会把毛衣磨破了。

And then you won't feel so so much in pain, and you won't shred your sweaters.

我就觉得，确实如此。

And I just think, like yeah.

这就像又一次，事情走得太远了。

It's like the again, the pendulum has swung so far.

有时候，人们真的就是需要一些建议。

Like, sometimes people kinda need like, fucking need advice.

对吧？

Right?

他们需要有人直接告诉他们：把钉子从头上拔出来。

They need to be told, take the nail out of the head.

但我同意，一开始你得先表示理解，然后再给建议。

But I I agree that at first, you wanna validate and then give advice later.

大多数人没意识到脱水对表现的影响有多大，所以我过去五年几乎每天早上都喝LMNT。

Most people don't realize how much being dehydrated impacts their performance, which is why for the last five years, I've started pretty much every morning with LMNT.

LMNT是一种味道不错的电解质饮品，该有的成分都有，不该有的全没有。

LMNT is a tasty electrolyte drink mix with everything that you need and nothing that you don't.

那橙味盐加冰水，喝起来像甜中带咸的橙子蜜露，我喝和不喝真的能感觉到差别。

This orange salt in a cold glass of water is like a sweet, salty, orange y nectar, and I really tell the difference when I take it versus when I don't.

它对缓解肌肉抽筋和疲劳特别有效，还能改善大脑健康、调节食欲、抑制馋嘴。

It plays a critical role in reducing muscle cramps and fatigue, helps to optimize brain health, and regulates your appetite while also curbing cravings.

最棒的是，他们提供无条件全额退款，没有时间限制。你买来试多久都行，只要不满意，随时退钱。

Best of all, there are no questions asked refund policy with an unlimited duration, You can buy it and try it for as long as you want, and if you don't like it for any reason, they'll just give you your money back.

而且，他们在美国内地还提供免费配送。

Plus, they offer free shipping in The US.

现在，通过下方描述中的链接或访问 drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom，首次购买就能免费获得一份 Element 最受欢迎口味的试用装。

Right now, you can get a free sample pack of Element's most popular flavors with your first purchase by going through the link in the description below or heading to drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

就是 drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom。

That's drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

我明白你的意思，关于心理学术语可能已经普及到一种地步，明明不该给安慰的时候却总在安慰。

I understand what you mean about therapy speak maybe going mainstream to an extent where validation's given when it shouldn't be.

很多人确实需要当头棒喝。

A lot of people do need some tough love.

不过，我觉得真正有效的心理学术语是否已经广泛传播，我还拿不准。

I don't know whether good therapy speak has been widespread yet, though.

我感觉在很多这类对话里，还是挺做作的。

I get the sense that in a lot of these conversations, it's still quite performative.

就是人们在说那些他们听说很时髦的话。

It's people saying the thing that they've heard is kind of cool.

关键是得听从自己的身体，做让你感觉舒服的事，而不是陪你陷在泥里。

Well, it's really important, like, to just follow your body and to just do what feels good for you as opposed to I'm gonna sit in the muck with you.

我要陪着你面对不适。

I'm gonna sit in the discomfort.

你懂的。

You know?

对。

Yeah.

关于认可这件事。

The validation thing.

说得对。

Good point.

我相信安东尼会记在心里的。

I'm sure Anthony will take it on board.

但他正陪着女儿感受情绪。

But he's sitting he's sitting in the emotion with his daughter.

对吧？

Right?

他正在为她留出这个空间。

He's holding that space.

可惜的是，‘留出空间’这个说法已经被用得有点泛滥了。

It's unfortunate that holding space has kind of been memeified into

我特别讨厌这个词。

I hate that phrase.

没错。

Yeah.

但问题是，

But it's the what

它的真正含义其实非常好。

it it what it means is so good.

只是这个说法已经变成了一个老生常谈。

It's just a shame that the phrase has become a cliche of itself

我知道。

I know.

某种程度上来说。

In a way.

不过，有一种……

But Well, there's one kind

我觉得有一种治疗领域的术语特别棒，也很有效，就是非暴力沟通。

of therapy speak that I think is so amazing and effective, and it's nonviolent communication.

就是用“我”开头的句子。

It's using I statements.

比如“你这样做让我很受伤”，而不是“你为什么总是这样？”

So I feel hurt when you do this, as opposed to, Why do you always do this?

或者“你到底怎么了？”

What's wrong with you?

这种方法真的非常有效，在很多场景下都已经被证明是管用的。

That is just so effective, has been shown to be effective in so many contexts.

而且现在越来越多的人在这么做。

And people are doing it more.

再说一遍，重点不是指责对方，而是表达你自己。

Again, instead of accusing the other person, it's about you.

不是说你总是这样。

So, like, it's not like you're doing this.

而是说，当我看到这种情况时，我会有这样的感受。

It's like, I feel this way when when I see this.

或者这是我的理解。

Or it's my understanding.

或者我内心的故事是这样的，然后你去问，再提出你的请求。

Or the story I'm telling myself is that you're and then you and then you ask, and then you have a request.

所以我非常认同非暴力沟通这种方式。

So I'm a big believer in in nonviolent communication.

所以简而言之，就是多用‘我’开头，少用‘你’开头？

And the TLDR of that is I statements, not you statements?

是的。

Yeah.

这背后有一整套方法，简单说就是，当你做什么事的时候，我会感到怎么样。

There's a whole process to it, but it's sort of I feel this when you you know, so let's say yeah.

比如说，有人从来不收拾东西。

Like, let's say the person never cleaning up.

我会觉得特别累，尤其是你从不洗碗的时候，类似这样的情况。

You know, I feel, you know, I I don't know, overburdened when you don't wash the dishes, when you do this.

我想和你聊聊这件事。

You know, I'd like to talk about it.

我想弄清楚到底发生了什么。

I'd like to understand what's going on.

也许你工作压力很大。

Maybe you're stressed out at work.

最难的部分在于提出请求。

And the hard part is the request.

那你到底该怎么开口呢？

It's like, what do you actually ask?

批评起来反而容易。

It's easier to criticize.

开口问反而没那么轻松。

It's harder to kinda ask.

最难的就在于开口提出来。

The ask is the hard part.

明白吗？

Know?

为什么？

Why?

提出来的时候，人会感觉很脆弱，真的。

It's it's vulnerable, to sort of ask to say, I I yeah.

开口要求确实很难。

It's hard to ask.

这太搞笑了。

That's so funny.

对我来说，为什么这件事不那么明显，其实挺清楚的。

It's almost obvious to me why maybe it's not so obvious.

我真希望咱们能商量个办法，怎么分担家务。

I would love for us to come up with an agreement about how you split how we split chores.

对。

Mhmm.

所以，用‘我’开头来表达。

So, yeah, I statements.

是的。

Yeah.

批评别人，好像就把责任推给对方了。

I guess criticizing somebody else puts the ball in their court.

这样不仅让对方知道你不满，还让你不用承担任何责任。

It also makes your displeasure known and, like, absconds you of having to take responsibility.

但你主动表达‘我真的很希望你能这么做’，这其实也给了对方机会去伤害你。

But putting yourself forward and going, I would really like it if you did that is another opportunity for this person to hurt you.

对吧？

Right?

这就像是，我要提出一个请求。

It's like, I'm gonna request this thing.

你不仅做了让我生气的事，我还得告诉你这件事让我受伤了，现在还得再给你一个机会。

Not only have you done this thing that pissed me off that I've now had to tell you about, I've had to tell you that it's hurt me, but I'm now going to, like, offer you this thing

而这个请求，你是有可能拒绝的。

that you could reject, this request.

这就是为什么它让人感到脆弱，因为你冒着被拒绝的风险。

That's why it's that's why it's vulnerable because you're risking rejection.

这就是生活。

And that's life.

有时候，你确实会被拒绝。

Sometimes you'll be rejected.

当人们快要敞开心扉、暴露更多自我时，那种恐惧就会涌上来，胸口发紧、耳朵嗡嗡响，你对他们那一刻有什么建议？

What's your advice to people who, when they get to the precipice of vulnerability of exposing a little bit more of themselves than they feel like they should, that that sort of fear comes up and the tightness in the chest and the ringing in the ears, what is your advice to them in that moment?

我的建议很简单，就是放手去做，勇敢一跃。

Mean, part of my advice is just to go for it, take the leap.

生活中很多美好的事都伴随着风险，几乎都是这样。

So many great things in life involve taking risks, almost everything.

对吧？

Right?

比如生孩子、申请那份你心仪的工作、搬去另一个城市。

Like having a baby, you know, going for that job that you know, moving to a different city.

但在跳出去之前，我建议你先放慢脚步。

But before they they take that leap, I would go slow.

对吧？

Right?

也许第一次，你就先试试看。

So maybe the first time just you yeah.

先透露一点点，再慢慢带我们往前走。

Reveal something smaller and then take us yeah.

我觉得应该一步一步来。

Take us baby steps, I would say.

对。

Mhmm.

明白了。

Okay.

是的。

Yeah.

倾听是为了理解。

So listening to learn.

对。

Yeah.

人们并不是在打网球，只等着回球。

People are not just playing the game of tennis, waiting to hit the ball back.

是的

Yeah.

发自内心的好奇

Genuine curiosity.

还有呢？

What else?

我们之前聊过分享。

We talked about sharing.

所以是好奇，还有倾听。

So curiosity, listening.

如果你从好奇开始，比如，我真的很想了解你。

So so if you start with curiosity, like, I'm really interested in you.

而且顺便说一句，好奇本身就带着一股热情。

And curiosity, by the way, has a enthusiasm component.

对吧？

Right?

我真的特别想听听你怎么说。

Like, I'm really I'm excited to hear what you have to say.

这就是为什么这如此珍贵。

That's why it's such a gift.

对吧？

Right?

有几个人能这么热情地期待听你说话呢？

Like, how often does that happen when someone's so excited?

有魅力的人特别擅长这一点。

Charismatic people are really good at this.

对吧？

Right?

我们之所以被他们吸引，就是因为他们真心期待听你分享。

That's why we flock to them because they're so excited to hear what you have to say.

所以这一切始于好奇，接着你就会说：我对你的事很感兴趣。

So So it starts with curiosity, then you tell so I'm curious about you.

然后你开始分享，这其实不容易。

Then you start sharing, which is hard.

但我真的在认真听，还问问题，就是为了让你觉得被理解、被支持。

And but I'm I'm validating and I'm supporting your sharing by, like, really listening and asking questions.

提问这件事，很少有人讨论，更别说深入研究了。

So question asking is not talked about or even studied that much.

特别重要。

So important.

我们平时根本没问对方足够多的问题。

We don't ask each other enough questions.

研究显示，我们总觉得——尤其是问一些深入的问题时——

So research shows that we think that especially asking deep questions.

如果我问你一个深刻的问题，我会担心你觉得我在打探隐私，太爱管闲事。

If I ask you a deep question, I'll think, he's gonna think I'm prying, that I'm being a little nosy.

有时候确实会这样，但总的来说，人都渴望被看见。

And sometimes that happens, but on average, people crave to be seen.

对吧？

Right?

他们希望被人理解。

They want to be known.

我有个例子，关于我女儿和她的室友，室友最近遇到了很多麻烦。

I have an example for my daughter who has a roommate who's having a lot of problems.

她家人过来看她的时候。

And her her family was coming over.

她们都哭了。

They were crying.

当时开了好几次会，她们一直在说西班牙语。

There were all these sort of sessions, and they were speaking Spanish.

所以我女儿根本不知道她们在说什么。

So she didn't know my daughter didn't know what they were saying.

我就跟我女儿说，你为什么不直接问问室友，到底发生什么事了？

So I said to my daughter, why don't you talk to your roommate and ask her what's going on?

她说：‘妈，我可不敢这么问。’

And she said, oh, mom, I I I couldn't do that.

她会觉得我在打探她的隐私。

She'll think I'm prying.

我觉得她可能说得对，但更可能是她想错了，如果有人关心她、问她发生了什么，这位室友大概会感到特别被支持、被关心。

And I think, you know, she could be right, but I think most likely she's wrong, that this roommate probably would feel really supported and loved if she if she was asked about

是啊。

it.

所以

So

但我们通常都觉得‘是啊’，然后就不问了。

but we usually think yeah.

所以我们很少主动去问深入的问题。

So we don't ask enough questions.

所以，去问问你的朋友、同事和伴侣那些真正重要的问题吧。

So ask your friends, colleagues, and partners those deep questions.

好的。

Okay.

这就是彻底的好奇心吗？

And that's radical curiosity?

这属于彻底的好奇心的一部分，也是倾听的一部分，因为倾听本来就是互动的。

That's part of radical curiosity and part of listening because it's listening is a back and forth.

我们还会谈到另外两种心态。

And then there's two more mindsets we talk about.

一种叫敞开心扉，其实挺显而易见的。

One is called open heart, and it's almost like an obvious one.

你知道吧？

You know?

我觉得敞开心扉就是温暖、友善，相信对方，希望对方开心，希望他们的梦想成真。

I I think open heart is basically warmth, kindness, believing in the other person, wanting their them to be happy, wanting their dreams to come true.

我说它显而易见，是因为我觉得大多数稳定的关系里，本来就都有这种心态。

It's it's I say it's obvious because I would think most stable relationships have that mindset.

反而是其他那些心态，很多人往往并不具备。

It's the other mindsets that often people don't necessarily have.

我们确实把这本书发给了几位早期读者，有两个男性朋友说，他们很喜欢这本书，但读完之后就和女朋友分手了。

So I actually we sent the book to a few early readers, and two of my male friends said they they're like, we love the book, but they broke up with their girlfriends after reading the book.

而且

And

是

it

我当时特别惊讶，因为我觉得这本书是指导性的，比如‘这么做，多听听对方，保持好奇心’之类的。

and we were I was really surprised because I thought it was prescriptive, like, oh, do this, listen better, you know, short curiosity.

但他们实际上是拿这本书当镜子，照出了自己关系里的问题。

But they actually used it to hold a mirror to their relationships.

他们确实有开放的心态，有善意和温暖，也相信对方，但有个人说，她不太敞开心扉，我也不太敞开心扉。

So they had the open heart, they had kindness and warmth and belief in the other person, but one person said, she's not really sharing and I'm not really sharing.

另一个人说，我女朋友再也不关心我的工作了。

And another person said, my girlfriend is no longer curious about my work.

她从来不会问起这件事。

She never asks about it.

这些都很重要，需要好好去经营。

And so those are really important and and need to be worked on.

开放的心态，我觉得大多数关系里本来就应该有。

The open heart, I think, is one that I would hope most relationships already have.

明白了。

Okay.

对。

Yeah.

但最后一个是我最欣赏的。

And the but the last one is my favorite.

最后一种心态。

The last mindset.

它叫多元性。

It's called multiplicity.

我听说‘多重性’这个概念源自创伤研究。

So the term multiplicity I'm told comes from trauma research.

意思是，经历过创伤，并不等于你就是创伤本身。

The idea if you have a trauma, it doesn't define you.

你更像是由许多东西拼成的一床被子。

It's like you're a quilt of many, many things.

当然，创伤发生过，没法抹掉，但它不能定义你是谁。

Of course you had the trauma, can't take it away, but it doesn't define you.

我们每个人都是多元的，就像沃尔特·惠特曼说的，我包罗万象。

And then we're multi you know, the Walt Whitman quote, you know, I am multitudes.

我体内包含着无数个自己。

I contain multitudes.

所以我这个人，是各种正面和负面的品质、特点、行为交织在一起的。

So I'm like a quilt of both positive and negative qualities and traits and behaviors.

对吧？

Right?

有时候我很有爱心，有时候又很自私。

So sometimes I'm kind and other times I'm selfish.

有时候我忠诚可靠，有时候又显得自我中心。

Sometimes I'm loyal and sometimes I'm narcissistic.

我们每个人都是这样。

And we're all like that.

对吧？

Right?

所以，用多元性的视角去看待别人。

And so to use that multiplicity lens to turn on the other person.

当你分享你的故事时，如果你说了什么让我反感或不舒服的话，我会用多元性的视角，看到你作为一个复杂完整的人。

So when you're revealing your story and something you say something I might disapprove of makes me uncomfortable, I use a multiplicity lens and see you as a human in all of your complexity.

有意思的是，当我跟别人说这些时，大家都点头，说：‘是啊，确实如此。’

And what's interesting about that is that when I tell this to people, everyone nods, they're like, oh, yeah.

当然了。

Of course.

但当你真举出具体例子的时候，就特别难了。

And then when you actually give specific examples, it's really hard.

对吧？

Right?

人们会说，这人真讨厌。

People will say, oh, what a jerk.

对吧？

Right?

真是个混蛋。

What an asshole.

他干了那种事，或者她干了那种事。

Like, he did that or she did that.

所以这一点特别难处理。

So that's a a really hard one.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得很少有人愿意待在不舒服的情绪里，面对那些难熬的感受，他们的办法就是赶紧解决掉，说一句‘嘿’。

I I think it's difficult for so few people want to sit in a discomfort zone, a tough emotion, and their solution is to just fix it, to just say, hey.

只要我想出个办法，这事儿就不用再操心了。

If I just come up with the solution to this thing, we don't need to worry about it anymore.

那

What

当有人透露出自己负面的一面时，解决办法会是什么？

will be the solution to to someone reveal something negative about them?

关于他们自己？

About themselves?

我不希望你再有这种感觉了。

I don't want you to feel that way anymore.

让我来淡化它吧。

Allow me to minimize it.

让我来告诉你该怎么做。

Allow me to, tell you what you can do.

比如，工作中有个人总是这样对待我。

Like, this person at work keeps mistreating me in this way.

每次他这么做的时候，我都觉得自己特别渺小，担心他不喜欢我，甚至觉得我不该待在这里了。

And every time that they do, it makes me feel really small, and I'm worried that they don't like me, and I think that I don't really belong there anymore.

她本来就是个刻薄的人，你别放在心上。

Well, she's a bitch anyway, and you shouldn't do it.

然后你就说：喂，老兄。

And you go like, hey, dude.

你根本就没站在我这边。

You're not you're not in this with me.

我希望你跟我说的是：天啊，这段经历一定特别难熬。

What I want to hear from you is, damn, that must be that must be really hard to go through.

过去几个月，你感觉怎么样？

What what's that been like over the last couple of months?

或者，你担心这代表什么？事情发生后，你心里最先涌上来的那种情绪是什么？

Or what are you what are you worried this means, or what's the emotion just after that happens?

哦，这样啊。

Like, oh, okay.

原来有人在乎我。

Like, I'm someone cares.

有人愿意为我做这样的事。

Someone cares enough to do that.

没错。

And, yeah.

我觉得人们的反应通常来自两个方面。

I I just think people's it comes from two two directions.

我不希望我关心的这个人再继续受苦了。

It comes from, I don't want this person who I care about to suffer anymore.

同时，我也不想再忍受这种不舒服的感觉了。

And, also, I don't want to be in this discomfort anymore.

这两种想法加在一起，就会让人想直接解决它、减轻它，或者让它消失。

And both of those things together can be wrapped up in a, I'll just fix it, minimize it, or make it go away.

我以前有个教练，有个朋友做了件事，让我特别难过。

I had a coach once, and some a friend did something that I was really upset about.

于是我跟教练聊了这件事，就是那种状态。

And so I'm talking to the coach, and I'm doing that.

我在淡化它。

I'm minimizing.

我心里想，哦，可能是因为这样那样，他才这么做的。

I'm thinking, oh, well, because of this and this reason, they must have done it.

教练对我说：‘索尼亚，现在立刻停下来。’

And the coach said, Sonja, just stop it right now.

他告诉我，别再反复琢磨、找借口、自我合理化了，直接去感受悲伤吧。

And he said, skip right over the rumination and the justification, the rationalization, and right into sadness.

直接去感受悲伤，就是为朋友的这个行为感到难过。

Go right go straight to sadness, which is just be sad that your friend did this.

对吧？

Right?

这其实有点像你说的，先让自己沉浸在这种情绪里，然后再去理性分析。

Which is kinda like what you're saying, sort of sit in it, and then you can, you know, rationalize.

但是理性分析嘛，你知道的，宽恕、找借口和同情心之间只有一线之隔。

But but the rationalization, like, you know, there's a fine line between kinda condoning, justifying, and compassion.

对吧？

Right?

什么时候该用同情心呢？比如看到某人做了件很糟糕的事，你能理解他的处境。我朋友就遇到过这种情况，有个男生在短信里说了特别过分的话。

When is a compassion where you see someone and they do something kinda terrible and you can see like, this happened once with my friends where this guy said something really terrible in a text.

我们当时就想，真是个混蛋。

And we're like, oh, what a jerk.

我有个朋友说，我看到那条短信的时候，感觉他内心有个小男孩，或者说是那个曾经被女孩拒绝过的少年。

And one of my friends said, you know, when I read that text, I see the little boy inside of him or I see the teenage boy who used to be rejected by girls.

所以不管怎么说，他就是被触发了情绪。

And so whatever, he got triggered.

这可不是在为他开脱、纵容或者找借口，而是出于一种同情心。

It's not excusing or condoning or justifying, but it's having compassion.