The power of forgiveness

大家好，我美丽的朋友们，欢迎回到《 Moments 播客》。

Hello, my beautiful people, and welcome back to the Moments Podcast.

我是你们的主持人，莱克西·伊达尔戈。

I'm your host, Lexi Hidalgo.

如果你还不了解这个播客，它之所以叫《 Moments 播客》，是因为我希望它能帮助你度过生命中的每一个时刻。

And in case you don't know anything about this podcast, it is called the Moments Podcast because I want it to be something that can help guide you through every moment of your life.

对我而言，它确实做到了这一点。

I know for me, that's exactly what it's done.

制作这个播客真的帮助我应对了生活带我走过的每一个地方，以及未来将带我去的每一个地方。

Having this podcast has really helped me just navigate everywhere that life has taken me, everywhere that life is going to take me.

我只希望它能让你在经历任何事情、任何困境、任何生活给予你的挑战时，感到不那么孤单。

And I just hope they can feel you help you feel less alone in anything that you're going through, anything that you're experiencing, and anything that life is handing to you.

今天，我们要聊的话题我相信我们在过去五年里曾多次提及，但最近确实没有深入讨论过，因为很久以来我都没再想过这件事。

Today, we're talking about something that I'm sure we've touched on within the five years of having this podcast, but definitely not something that I've touched on recently because it has not been something that has crossed my mind in a very long time.

我想谈谈宽恕。

I wanted to talk about forgiveness.

我认为宽恕常常被轻易带过。

I think that forgiveness is often really brushed over.

我们被告诉要原谅自己。

We're told to forgive ourselves.

我们被告诉要原谅身边的人。

We're told to forgive people around us.

我们被告诉要放下怨恨。

We're told to let go of grudges.

但我们从未真正得到过如何做到的指导。

But we're never really given any guidance on how.

我们也没有被清楚地解释过，为什么摆脱这些东西很重要。

We're also never really explained to why it's important to get rid of those things.

而且，是的，其中一些可能是常识。

And, yeah, some of it could be common sense.

显然，心存怨恨对平静的生活不会有好处。

Obviously, holding a grudge can't be good for a peaceful life.

但并不是所有这些都属于常识。

But it's not all common sense.

有时候，我们需要重新打开、重新构想并重新打磨，才能真正理解其中的意义。

And sometimes it needs to be reopened, reimagined, and retouched on to, like, really put into perspective.

我只是想跟你多说一点，为什么我想做这一集，以及这个话题是怎么浮现在我脑海中的。

And I just kind of wanted to tell you a little bit more about why I wanted to do this episode and why this topic came to mind.

我一直在坚持每天早上阅读圣经。

I have been prioritizing reading my bible every single morning.

但这集不会完全基于信仰内容。

And this isn't gonna be an entirely faith based episode.

所以，无论你信什么，你是谁，都很高兴你在这里。

So whatever you believe, whoever you are, I'm happy you're here.

我其实并不在意。

I don't really care.

我爱耶稣。

I love Jesus.

所以我每天读圣经。

So I read my bible.

今天早上我读圣经的时候，正在读《马可福音》。

And I was reading my bible this morning and I came across, currently reading Mark.

《马可福音》是四福音书之一，讲述了耶稣的来历、他为我们所做的一切，等等。

And Mark is one of the gospels and it tells the story of Jesus and where he came from, what he did for us, and yada yada yada.

他在世时所行的事。

The things that he did while he was here on Earth.

最近我在信仰的许多方面都感到非常挣扎。

And I've just been really struggling with a lot of areas of my faith.

我有时会陷入不信的状态。

I find myself in unbelief sometimes.

我非常怀疑。

I'm very doubtful.

我非常犹豫。

I'm very hesitant.

我总是保持警惕，最近一直在努力增强我的信心。

I always have my guard up and I've just been really trying to increase my faith.

当我读马可福音时，我读到这样一节经文，就是马可福音第11章第24节。

And as I was reading Mark and as I was reading, I came across this verse, and it's Mark chapter 11 verse 24.

所以我告诉你们，凡你们在祷告中祈求的，只要相信已经得着了，就必成就。

Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.

你们站着祷告的时候，若向任何人怀有怨恨，就当饶恕他们，好让你们在天上的父也赦免你们的罪。

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your father in heaven may forgive your sins.

这让我深刻反思了我生活中那些根深蒂固的怨恨。

And it really caused me to reflect on all the deep rooted grudges that I hold in my life.

甚至在许多细微的小事上，我都会心存怨恨。

Like even in so many small ways, I hold grudges.

我认为，因为我一直紧抓着那些更大的怨恨，我的大脑已经逐渐形成了一种模式，明明不需要怨恨的地方，却偏偏制造出怨恨。

And I think that because I've held onto such larger ones, I've really morphed my brain into creating grudges where there doesn't need to be grudges.

但我们的大脑拥有重塑、重构和改变的能力，可以转变为不同的思维方式和信仰模式。

But our brain has power to be reshaped, remorphed, and and changed and transformed into different ways of thinking and different ways of believing.

我坚信，由于我生命中经历的一些事情和创伤，我已经完全允许自己以各种方式与它们产生共鸣，主要是消极的方式，并将我所经历的一切变成了我身份的核心，这本身并不是一件坏事。

I strongly believe that because of some of the things and the traumas that I've been through in my life, I have now taken those, completely allowed myself to resonate with them in every single way, mostly in negative ways, and made myself, like, the cent made the things that I've been through the center of who I am, which is not inherently a bad thing.

但关键在于你如何处理它，这可能会让它变成一件坏事。

But it's what you do with it that can make it a bad thing.

我将过去与他人、过去的关系、过去的友谊中经历的那些情境，内化成了自己的部分。

I've taken those situations that I've been through with past people, past relationships, past friendships.

现在，我让自己的大脑相信，我生命中的每个人都有伤害我的意图，但这完全不是事实。

And I've now allowed my brain to believe that everybody in my life has the goal of hurting me, which is not at all true.

我目前的生活和我周围的人根本不是这样的。

Not at all the life that I'm living and the people that I'm surrounding myself with.

但因为我长期让自己活在这种版本、这种自我认同中，我现在的生活方式已经偏离了我真正想要的方向。

But because I have allowed myself to live in this version, this identity with myself for so long, I now live my life moving forward in a way that I don't want to.

一种会紧握怨恨、甚至对友谊中那些微小的伤害也无法原谅的方式。

A way that holds onto grudges with people, a way that doesn't forgive even the smaller things that I experience in my friendship relationships.

这让我继续紧握着所有那些本不必执着的东西。

Just like allows me to hold on to all these different things that I don't need to be holding on to.

我知道我并不是唯一一个这样做的，这正是我想要开启这一集、进行这次对话的最重要原因——我只是希望我们都能更深入地思考，审视自己生活中那些不愿原谅的方面。

And I know that I'm not the only one that does that, which is a huge reason that I wanted to open up this episode and have this conversation because I just wanted it to make us all think a little bit deeper and just see the areas of our life and reflect on the areas of our life where we are not forgiving.

原谅自己，原谅身边的人。

Forgiving ourselves, forgiving the people around us.

我发现自己最常陷入这种状态的地方，其实并不是中学、高中、大学时那些严重伤害过我的大事。

Area that I find myself doing this the most is actually not in these big things that have happened to me in middle school, high school, college that have really hurt me.

并不是无法放下那些大恩怨，而是像我已说过无数次的那样，在家庭关系、与丈夫的亲密关系、与朋友的交往、与儿时好友的关系中，那些细微的怨恨。

It's not necessarily not being able to let go of those grudges, but it's the grudges, like I've said a million times already, in my family dynamics, in my romantic relationship with my husband, in my relationships with my friends, in my childhood friends.

每一次让我受伤的事，我都会在心里默默列出一份清单，牢牢记下那些我觉得自己被亏待的时刻。

Everything that hurts me once, I, like, create a list in the back of my mind that holds onto those ways that I feel like I've been wronged.

这绝对不是一种应有的生活方式。

And that is absolutely no way to live whatsoever.

尤其是我最喜欢的一段经文，是《哥林多前书》第13章第4到8节。

Especially one of my favorite verses is first Corinthians chapter 13 verses four through eight.

它讲述爱是忍耐、是仁慈、是无私的，不嫉妒、不自夸、不骄傲。

And it talks about how love is patient and love is kind and selfless and it doesn't envy, boast, and it's not proud.

但我最喜欢这节经文的这部分是，它说爱不计算人的恶。

But my favorite part of this verse, these verses, is that it says that love keeps no record of wrongs.

我知道爱的其他方面，但这一条我确实很难做到，因为每当我自己受到伤害，内心总会不自觉地记下所有被亏待的时刻。

And, you know, I really grasp all the other aspects of love, but I really struggle with that one because whatever I've done to myself just wants to keep a running list of ways that I've been hurt.

我没有自己希望的那样宽容。

And I'm not as forgiving of a person as I want to be.

我希望自己能更富有同情心、更善良，学会放下，明白我正在成长，身边的人也在成长，生活不可能总是顺遂，难免会有分歧、误解，以及彼此共同的成长。

I want to be more just compassionate and kind and be able to let go of things and be able to just understand that I'm growing and the people around me are growing and not everything is seamless and not everything comes without disagreements and misunderstandings and and growth with one another.

你知道的。

You know?

同时，也看看你自己。

And also, look at yourself.

用你看待朋友关系的方式，去看待你与自己的关系。

Look at your relationship with yourself the same way that you look at a relationship with a friend.

因为，就像我们在每一集中都说的，谁会是你一生中永远陪伴在身边的人？

Because, like we say in every single episode, who is the one that you're gonna have in your life forever?

是你自己。

You.

你需要善待并成为最好的朋友的人是谁？

Who is the person that you need to be kind to and be a best friend to?

你自己。

Yourself.

明白吗？

Okay?

这就像第一步。

That's like step number one.

你生命中最重要的关系，就是你与自己的关系。

And that's like the most important relationship in your life is the one that you have with yourself.

所以，如果你发现自己在外部关系中难以原谅他人、执着于小事，不妨问问自己，你是否也在对自己这样做。

So if you find yourself being somebody who has a hard time in your outside relationships forgiving and holding on to small things, ask yourself if that if that's something that you're doing to yourself.

你是否在自己失败、让自己失望的方面，依然紧抓着那些小事不放？

Are you holding on to small things in areas of your life that you failed and that you've let yourself down?

你是不是在不断列出所有你让自己失望的地方？

And are you keeping a running list of all the ways that you've let yourself down?

因为如果你真的这样做了，那么当你对外界关系中的怨恨和耿耿于怀难以释怀时，也就不足为奇了——毕竟你对自己也是这么做的。

Because if you're doing so, of course it's gonna be hard for you to let go of grudges and hold on to resentment in outside relationships if that's what you do to yourself.

你对待自己的方式，会深刻反映你无意识中或有意识地对待他人的态度。

The way that you treat yourself is a huge reflection of the way that you will treat other people subconsciously or not.

所以当你不断贬低自己时，这种态度会渗透到你生活的其他领域和人际关系中，你或许能逃避一时，但终究会追上你。

So when you are tearing your own self apart, it will seep into the other areas and the other relationships of your life and you will be able to run from it for only so long until it catches up to you.

然后你意识到，你已经不再喜欢那个变得如此的自己。

And you realize that you no longer like the person that you've become.

你不再喜欢自己对待身边人的方式。

You no longer like the way that you treat the people around you.

于是你不得不静下心来，暗自感叹：天啊。

And then you just really have to sit back and say, dang.

这大概就是我对待自己的方式。

That's probably how I treat myself.

这可能就是这一切的根源，因为我们自己才是最糟糕的敌人。

And that's probably where this all stemmed from because we are our own worst enemies.

所以，请原谅自己。

So forgive yourself.

但怎么做呢？

But how?

让我看看我的笔记。

Let me look at my notes.

我偏题了。

I've diverted dramatically.

你可能会好奇，为什么原谅如此重要。

So you might be wondering, like, why it's so important for you to forgive.

如果你从未听人说过，原谅自己和原谅身边的人非常重要，那我来告诉你：确实如此，因为如果你心怀怨恨、 resentment、愤怒和悲伤，就不可能过上平静、快乐、富有成效的生活。

You know, if you've never heard somebody say it's very important to forgive yourself and forgive the people around you, I will be the first one to tell you that it is because you can there's no way to to live with grudge, resentment, anger, sadness towards other things and continue to live a peaceful, happy, productive life.

这两者无法共存。

The two can't coexist.

我不是说你必须忘记所有发生在你身上的事，彻底与你所有的生命经历割裂。

I'm not saying that you have to, like, forget everything that ever happened to you and completely detach from every life experience that you've had.

这并不是我的意思。

That's not what I'm saying.

但我说的是，当这些话题、对话或情绪出现时，你必须能够改变自己的反应方式。

But I'm saying you have to be able to change the way that you react when those topics or those conversations or those feelings come up.

这就是我对宽恕的理解。

That is what forgiveness looks like to me.

宽恕对每个人的意义都不同，但它的核心在于接纳，并有意识地放下怨恨和愤怒。

Forgiveness has a different meaning for everybody, but the main thing that it is is that it involves a combination of acceptance and an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

明白吗？

K?

这是谷歌的定义。

That's a Google definition.

但对你而言，宽恕和怨恨的表现形式因人而异。

But forgiveness for you, resentment shows up differently for everybody.

明白吗？

Okay?

也许你会因为对过去一段关系（无论是恋爱还是友情）的怨恨，而在建立新关系时产生怀疑。

Maybe you experience doubt in building new relationships because of the resentment that you hold towards a past relationship that you had, romantic or platonic.

也许当你必须回到曾经伤害过你的地方时，你会出现具体的生理反应。

Maybe you have literal physical triggers that show up for you when you have to go back to some place that hurt you.

也许你不愿意尝试新事物，因为上次你尝试新事物时，有人在过程中伤害了你。

Maybe you don't want to try new things because the last time that you tried something new, someone hurt you in the process of it.

它对每个人的表现方式都不一样。

It it shows up differently for everybody.

所以宽恕对每个人来说都会有所不同，如果你能理解的话。

So forgiveness is gonna look different for everybody, if that makes sense.

你知道的吧？

You know?

宽恕并不是普适的。

Like, forgiveness is not universal.

我想是吧，但我只是在胡言乱语。

I guess it kind of is, but I'm just rambling on.

你需要原谅的原因是，真实的研究——包括观察性研究和随机对照研究——都表明，对经历过的事情和伤害过你的人心怀宽恕，与更低的抑郁、焦虑、敌意水平，更少的物质滥用，更高的自尊以及更大的生活满意度相关。

The reason that you need to forgive is because studies actually show real studies, both both observational and randomized, show that having forgiveness for the things that you've experienced and the people who have hurt you is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, hostility, reduced substance abuse, higher self esteem, and greater life satisfaction.

你可以想象，如果你生活中少一些愤怒和悲伤，可能会带来更多快乐、幸福和宁静。

You can imagine how a lack of anger and sadness in your life would probably bring you a little bit more joy, a little bit more happiness, and a little bit more peace.

对吧？

Right?

这一切听起来都合情合理。

It all sounds like it makes sense.

它就摆在我们眼前，非常明显。

It's pretty right in front of us.

你知道吗？

You know?

但我认为同样重要的是要记住，当你对任何事物心怀愤怒和悲伤时，这种情绪会渗透到你生活的方方面面。

But I think it's really important to remember too that when you have anger and sadness directed at anything, it will seep into everything.

这从最小的方面到最大的方面都适用，反过来也是如此。

This goes in the smallest of ways to the largest of ways, and this works vice versa as well.

我们曾经讨论过的每一个话题，比如改变你的思维模式，其根源是什么？

Every episode we've ever talked about, like changing your mindset and shifting your mindset, comes from what?

通过微小的、逐步的积极思维转变。

Small baby steps of making positive shifts in the way that we think.

明白吗？

Okay?

不要一想到今天下雨了，

Instead of thinking, oh, it's raining today.

就立刻觉得自己心情不好，因为我把情绪和天气联系在一起。

I'm immediately gonna be in a bad mood because I associate my mood with the weather.

今天下雨了，

Oh, it's raining today.

这正好是我打扫房子、放上最爱的歌曲、或许在唱机上放一张黑胶唱片的完美时机。

It gives me perfect time to clean the house, put my favorite song on, maybe play a record on my record player.

重塑我们逐渐形成的思想、信念和对事物的依附方式。

Reshaping our experiences in the way that we've grown to think and believe and attach to things.

这其中蕴含着力量。

There's power in that.

当我们感到愤怒和悲伤时，同样的事情也会发生。

So the same thing happens when we have anger and sadness.

当我们感到不知所措和压力时，同样的事情也会发生。

And the same thing happens when we have overwhelm and stress.

当我们感到焦虑时，同样的事情也会发生。

The same thing happens when we have anxiety.

一切都会相互渗透。

Everything seeps into everything.

我知道这听起来像是常识，但有时候我们确实需要常识的提醒。

And I know that it sounds like common sense, but sometimes we need common sense reminders.

很多自我提升、很多信仰，以及很多其他方面，其实都是常识。

A lot of self help, a lot of faith, a lot of everything is common sense.

当深入本质来看，一切都是常识，但你仍然需要投入精力、专注其中，让它被听见，并一遍又一遍地重复。

When it you get down to the nitty gritty of it, everything is common sense, and it's not you you still need to pour into it and focus on it and let it be heard and repeated a million times over again.

因为即使它是常识，也不意味着我们会去倾听。

Because just because it's common sense, it doesn't mean we listen to it.

我的意思是，众所周知我们每天都需要喝水，毕竟人体超过70%都是水，但我们却常常忘记这么做。

I mean, it's common sense that we need to drink water every day when our body is over 70% made up of water, but we don't remember to do it.

所以，不管是不是常识，我们都需要这些提醒。

So common sense or not, we need these reminders.

我们所做的一切，任何事情，都会影响到我们所做的其他所有事情。

Everything that we do, anything that we do, bleeds into everything that we do.

我不确定这是否是一句名言，但当我写下它时，我觉得我喜欢这句话。

I don't know if that's a famous quote or what, but when I typed it, I was like, I like that.

我要把这句话记下来。

I'm gonna write that one down.

这很可能早已广为人知。

It's probably very well known.

你有没有想过，玛丽·安托瓦内特和金·卡戴珊有什么共同点？

Ever wonder what Marie Antoinette and Kim Kardashian might have in common?

或者2007年的一起名人丑闻本质上只是历史的重演？

Or how a celebrity scandal from 2007 is basically just history repeating itself?

我们是特丝和克莱尔，主持播客《基本上正确答案》，这档节目让历史与流行文化碰撞交融。

We're Tess and Claire and we host Right Answers Mostly, a podcast where history and pop culture collide.

从古代女王到真人秀明星，我们用丰富而生动的叙事方式逐一剖析。

From ancient queens to reality TV stars, we break it all down with the rich, juicy storytelling it deserves.

这感觉就像少女时代。

It's giving girlhood.

大多数时候，它都符合历史事实。

It's giving historically accurate most of the time.

每周一和周五更新新集数。

New episodes every Monday and Friday.

为事实而来。

Come for the facts.

留下来看戏剧性的发展。

Stay for the drama.

这里是《Right Answers Mostly》，历史就是八卦。

This is Right Answers Mostly, where history is just gossip.

我们还需要认识到，怨恨和积怨会在许多方面束缚我们，而我们往往没有意识到这一点。

There's also an importance to understand that having resentment and grudges holds us captive in many more ways of our life than we realize.

你知道，你可能觉得这种情绪只会在你被唤起回忆、回到某个地方或遇见新的人时才出现。

You know, you might think it only shows up when you're brought back to a memory, when you go back to a place, when you meet a new person.

无论你的具体情况如何，你大概并不会一直对这个人或这段经历心怀怨恨。

Again, whatever your situation is, you're probably not constantly resenting this person, this experience.

它可能只在你生活的某些领域、某些时刻才会显现出来。

It's probably only showing up for you in certain areas of your life, at certain times of your life.

你以为是这样。

You think.

你以为是这样。

You think.

我们的潜意识非常强大。

Our subconscious is powerful.

它很深邃。

It's deep.

它远远超出了我们所能理解的范围。

It goes far beyond what we can even understand.

也许如果你是个神经科学家，你能理解它，但我做不到。

And maybe if you're like a neuroscientist, you can understand it, but I can't.

明白吗？

Okay?

认识到怨恨是非常持久的，这一点很重要。

It's important to recognize that grudges are very long lasting.

我们很多怨恨可能都源于童年。

A lot of grudges that we have probably happened in our childhood.

它们中的很多可能发生在我们无法完全理解或察觉的生命阶段。

A lot of them probably happened at a point in our life that we can't fully comprehend or recognize.

你知道吗，我在童年时期在家里经历了很多挣扎。

You know, I struggled with a lot in my childhood within my own family.

我从未真正明白，为什么我对某些事情会有那样的感受——我乐于在互联网上坦露自己的脆弱，但像现在谈论的这些，我却不太愿意公开。

And I never really realized why I felt a certain way about a certain thing that I love to be vulnerable and open about things on the Internet, but, like, what I'm talking about right now, I don't feel as comfortable to do.

我一直疑惑，为什么我会对某件事如此挣扎。

I always wondered why I struggled with a certain thing.

直到最近几年，我才意识到，这源于我小时候看过的和没看过的，以及我当时的经历。

And only recently in my life, the last couple years, did I realize it's because of what I watched, not watch, what I like experienced in my life when I was a kid.

我从未意识到，这些影响至今仍牢牢控制着我。

And I didn't realize how much it still had a hold on me.

有时候，弄清楚我们的怨恨和积怨有多深，是非常重要的。

And sometimes it's very important for us to figure out how deep our resentment and our grudges go.

反思我们的行为、态度以及对某些事物的感受，并回溯这些情绪的源头，是很有必要的。

It's important to reflect on our behaviors, our attitudes, our feeling towards certain things, and then kind of backtrack and figure out where those could be coming from.

甚至追溯到你可能已经记不太清的人生阶段。

Even to a point in your life that you might not remember very well.

有时候我们的记忆不太好，因为我们也在逃避很多东西。

Sometimes our memory is a little bit bad because we also have a lot of stuff that we're hiding from.

我们逃避某些事情，因为它们太黑暗了，所以记不起来了。

We hide from things and we don't remember them because they're dark.

所以你不能简单地认为你的身体会自动清楚地知道你怀有怎样的怨恨、对谁心存芥蒂、童年时经历过哪些糟糕的事，以及和谁一起经历的。

So you can't just assume that your body's just gonna know exactly what resentment you hold, who you have grudges towards, what bad experiences you had as a kid and who they were with.

这需要努力。

It takes work.

这需要大量的内在阴影工作和深刻理解。

It takes a lot of inner shadow work and understanding.

所以我挑战你，坐下来，做一些日记提示，试着找出你在童年、初中早期或青少年早期经历过的、可能至今仍对你产生影响的事情。

So I'm challenging you to just sit down, do a little journal prompting, and just try to pinpoint what are some things that you experienced in your childhood or in your early middle school years or your early teen years that you think could possibly still kind of have some way on you now.

你知道，即使你回望那些事，觉得‘对我来说，这已经没那么严重了’。

You know, even if you look back at them and you're like, oh, it's not that deep to me anymore.

我早就放下了12岁时发生的那件事。

I'm pretty pretty much over that thing that happened when I was 12 years old.

差不多差不多是关键。

Pretty much pretty much is key.

你并没有。

You're not.

但你需要弄清楚那些事情到底是什么。

But you need to figure out exactly what those things are.

所以接下来，当我们纠结于不同的怨恨和怨气时，我们并不原谅。

So next, when we dwell on different resentment, different grudges, we don't forgive.

我们让脑海充满负面想法和愤怒，这些情绪会渗透到生活的其他方面和他人身上。

We fill our mind with negative thoughts and anger and it drips into other areas and other people in our lives.

我们已经谈过这一点了，所以我不需要深入展开。

We already touched on that, so I don't need to get too into it.

但这会导致这些情绪渗透到我们试图建立的新关系中，比如如果你因为上一段关系、一段糟糕的友谊，或家人对你的伤害而产生信任问题。

But that leads you to just have it bleed into new relationships that we aim to build in the sense that if you have trust issues because of what someone did to you in your last relationship, in a bad friendship, something a family member did to hurt you.

你开始很难相信，并非每个人都有和之前伤害过你的人相同的意图。

You really start struggle to believe that not everybody has the same intentions as the person prior that did hurt you.

我认为我们之所以在这件事上如此挣扎，是因为我们还没有完全原谅。

And I think that a reason we really struggle with this is because we haven't fully forgiven.

我们还没有充分反思自己的经历，也没有意识到并不是每个人都想伤害我们，你并不总会因为某个人而支离破碎。

We haven't fully reflected on the experience that we had and and come to the understanding that not everybody wants to hurt us, that you are not always going to be broken apart by somebody.

有些人真的希望爱你、帮助你，并为你规划未来。

There are people who really want to love you and help you and see a future for you.

这个世界上有很多心地善良的人。

And there's people out there with good hearts.

当然，也有很多心术不正的人。

There's plenty with bad ones.

但我已经明白，当你主动去寻找时，你会发现心地善良的人其实更多。

But I've I've learned that when you're looking for it, there's even more people out there with good hearts.

所以你必须学会原谅，才能在未来建立更健康的关系。

So you have to forgive so that you can build healthier relationships moving forward.

那些不会一上来就列清单、怀疑‘这个人会怎么伤害我？’的关系。

Ones that don't start with this kind of running list of how is this person gonna hurt me?

他们说了哪些小事情、做了哪些小动作，证明他们并不是自己声称的那样？

What what little things do they say and do that prove that they're not who they say they are?

以这种方式看待他人、以这种方式建立关系，对你来说并不健康，对他们也不公平。

Looking at people that way and building relationships that way is not healthy for you and it's not fair to them.

所以请记住这一点。

So keep that in mind.

最后一点是，当你执着于这些事时，你会被过去牢牢束缚，远多于让你活在当下。

Last thing is that when you are holding on to these things, it keeps you wrapped up in the past way more than it allows you to be present.

我认为我们都能明白这说得通。

And I think that we can all see how this makes sense.

你知道吗，我做过一些节目，谈论我如何容易陷入过去，难以向前迈进。

You know, I have done episodes where I talk about how I kinda get stuck in the past and I have a hard time moving forward.

活在当下、以积极的方式看待未来，我总是不自觉地拿自己和过去的版本做比较。

And living in the present and seeing the future in a positive way, I just kind of am always comparing myself to past versions of me.

我认为，很多这种状况都源于我没有完全从过去经历的积极和消极事情中走出来。

I think that a lot of this comes with the territory of not having fully moved on from the positive and the negative things that I went through in my past.

但我们必须有一条清晰的前进道路。

But we have to have a clear path to move forward.

如果存在大量阻碍、障碍和绊脚石，你根本不想向前走。

If there's tons of blockages and blockades and obstacles, you're not really gonna wanna move forward.

你只会原地不动，你知道吗？我就是这样的人，如果我没有清晰的路径，哪怕是在日常生活中，如果我没有一份明确的待办事项清单，或者有一件事出了岔子，我就会突然感到完全瘫痪，什么都做不了。

You're just gonna kinda, like, sit still and, you know, I am somebody who if I don't have a clear path, you know, even just in my everyday life, if I don't have a direct list of the things I need to get done or if one thing goes out of line, I suddenly feel crippled to do anything.

如果你在日常生活中就是这样一种思维模式，你可以想象，当你想要走一条路，而路上却布满重重障碍时，这种影响会有多么沉重。

If you are somebody who has a mind like that when it comes to just your day to day life, you can imagine how much heavier that will impact you when you have a path that you're looking to walk on and there's just a whole bunch of obstacles in the way.

你无法穿越过去。

You can't walk through that.

你无法轻易越过这些障碍。

You can't get past that easily.

有时候，当事情不容易时，我们干脆就不做了。

And sometimes when things aren't easy, we just don't do them.

所以我们只能原地不动。

So we just stay put.

因此，原谅自己、原谅他人，以及放下那些你对自己、对他人做过的事，还有他人对你做过的事，对于迈向未来的关键步骤至关重要。

So forgiveness and really letting go of things that you've done to yourself, that you've done to other people, that people have done to you is very key in making the proper steps towards moving towards the future.

我发现自己经常在试图向前迈进时，当我试图为自己塑造一个新的身份时——也许这有点跑题，但最终一切都会回到主题上来。

One of the things that I find myself doing is when I am trying to move forward, when I am trying to create kind of a new identity for myself, and maybe this is off topic, but everything comes back to topic some way or another.

当我试图为自己塑造一个新身份、构建一个新未来时，我要告诉你，你已经听了这个播客好几个月了，你知道这是我亲身经历的事情。

When I'm trying to create a new identity for myself, build a new future for myself, because I'll tell you, I mean, you've been listening to this podcast for more than a few months, you know that this is something I experienced.

你知道，我现在正深陷其中。

You know that this is something I'm going through heavily right now.

在过去的一年里，我甚至可以说更久，我一直感到迷失，不知道自己的未来会是什么样子。

I've felt very lost in myself and lost in what my future looks like for the last, I could probably even say, over a year.

我现在正经历着许多生活上的变化，过去一年里也经历了这些变化，以至于我感觉自己几乎停滞了。

I'm going through so many different life changes right now and have gone through them in the last year that I feel kind of frozen.

我不知道下一步该做什么。

I I don't know what steps are next.

当我想要重塑、重新定位、重新点燃自己在人生下一章中的样子时，我却阻止自己去探索任何内在改变的可能性，因为我根本不相信自己能做好这些事。

And when it comes to me wanting to reshape, rebrand, respark who I'm gonna be in this next chapter of my life, I block myself from even exploring the opportunity of anything changing within me because I don't trust myself to do any of it.

我只是单纯地感到怀疑。

I just simply, like, doubt.

因为过去我伤害自己的方式，因为过去我让自己失望的方式，因为我对自己怀有的怨恨，这让我不想和自己重新开始。

Because of the ways that I've hurt myself in the past, because of the ways that I've let myself down in the past, because of the way that I hold resentment towards my own self, it makes me not wanna start fresh with myself.

这样生活是不行的，因为我无法想象，如果25岁时我还是这样看待自己。

And that's no way to live because I can only imagine at 25 if that's how I feel about myself.

如果我在21岁、22岁、20岁时做过的事或失败的经历，至今仍让我对自己充满这些疯狂的怨恨。

If I'm holding all these crazy resentments towards myself from things that I did or failed at when I was 21, 22, 20 years old.

想想看，如果我在三十岁、四十岁、五十岁时还放不下这些事，它们只会不断累积膨胀。

Imagine how much that's only gonna grow if I can't let go of those things in my thirties, in my forties, in my fifties.

那人生将会无比痛苦。

It's gonna be a miserable life.

我之所以说这些，就是为了向自己强调自我宽恕的重要性，以及意识到自己如何对待自己、如何看待自己的未来、如何看待他人未来的重要性。

And I just, like, say all that to really emphasize to myself the the importance of self forgiveness and the importance of having this level of awareness of the way that you treat yourself, the future that you see for yourself, the future that you see for the other people in your life.

但即使在我那些怀疑自己能力、怀疑自己能否分享某些东西的领域，因为我总觉得可能没人能理解我。

But even in those areas of my life where I doubt what I'm capable of and what I'm capable of sharing because I think that maybe somebody might not understand me.

或者我说的话相比别人说的没有价值。

Or maybe what I'm saying isn't valuable compared to what somebody else might say.

或者我的知识不如别人那么多。

Or maybe I don't have enough knowledge compared to what somebody else might have.

所以这让我相信，就因为这一点，我就不行。

So then it makes me believe that I am not capable just because of that.

但我们都知道，这并不真实。

But we we all know that that's not true.

每个人都有自己的空间。

There's room for everybody.

每个人都能分享一些东西。

There's something that everybody can share.

总有什么能帮助到外面的某个人。

And there's something that can help anyone out there.

即使别人做得和你不一样，或者你觉得他们比你做得更好，也不意味着你做不到。

Just because somebody does it differently than you or what you might think is better than you, it doesn't mean that you can't do it.

这并不意味着你不应该尝试。

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't try.

这并不意味着你应该怀疑自己的能力。

It doesn't mean that you should doubt what you're capable of.

对吧？

Right?

就像我会去告诉别人的一样。

Like, that's what I would go around telling other people.

我也应该对自己这么说，你也应该对自己这么说。

I should tell that to myself and you should tell that to yourself.

关键是原谅自己。

And the point is forgive yourself.

给自己成长和改变的空间，要知道，如果你没有原谅自己过去的错误，没有允许自己向前走，你就无法改变。

Allow yourself room to grow and room to change and know that you cannot change if you haven't forgiven the mistakes that you've made in the past, if you haven't allowed yourself to move forward.

我提纲中的下一件事是：我们该如何原谅呢？

The next thing on my outline is how do we forgive then?

对吧？

Right?

因为我们偏题了。

Because we've diverted.

我们偏离了主线。

We've gone off trail.

但我有时候很喜欢偏离主线。

But I sometimes love going off trail.

我觉得这样会让对话更精彩。

I think it makes for a better conversation.

这是我写下来的。

And this is what I wrote down.

怨恨伴随着身份。

Grudges come with an identity.

我们常常根据自己的经历来构建自我。

We often build who we are based on the things that we've experienced.

有道理。

Makes sense.

我们已经提到过这一点了。

We've already touched on that.

它赋予了一种目的感，但当我们执着于这些将自己定位为受害者的身份时，就无法真正宽恕。

It gives a sense of purpose, but we cannot forgive fully when we stay attached to these identities that place you as the one who was wronged.

所以当我们回顾经历的事情时，我来给你举个例子。

So when we take the things that we've been through I'm gonna give you an example.

我在夏威夷被这个人深深伤害过。

I was really hurt by this person in Hawaii.

当我回望那段人生时光时，我总是把它当作自我身份的一部分，而其实我根本不需要这样。

And I look back on that time in my life and I just really hold it as a part of who I am when I really don't need to.

我赋予了它远超过它本应在我生命中拥有的力量。

I give it a lot more power than it should have ever had in my life.

你知道，当你二十出头的时候，那些伤害过你的人，往往会显得特别突出，因为你正处于人生中非常容易受影响的阶段——二十岁出头。

You know, when you're 20, 21, 22, people that wrong you, I think, kind of stand out because you're in a really impressionable point in your life, your early twenties.

你真正开始认识自己，弄清楚自己是谁。

You really start to find yourself and figure out who you are.

所以在那段人生时期，任何伤害过你的人，我觉得都会比平常更显眼。

So anybody who really does you dirty in that time of your life, I think stands out more than most.

也许这只是我个人的经历。

Maybe that's just a personal experience.

但我的二十岁出头对我而言非常关键。

But my early twenties were very pivotal for me.

我的生活发生了惊人的变化，我真正发现了自己是谁，而不是高中和大学时我以为的自己，等等。

My life changed in insane ways and I actually discovered who I was outside of who I thought I was in high school and college, etcetera, etcetera.

我明白了我的道德观、价值观、爱好、喜欢和不喜欢的事物、我想成为怎样的人，以及我想与谁为伍。

I learned what my morals were, what my values were, what my hobbies were, what I enjoyed, what I disliked, who I wanted to be, the people I wanted to surround myself with.

所有这些听起来可能微不足道，但回头来看，它们才是真正塑造你是谁的重要因素。

And all of those things might sound small, but, like, in retrospect, those are really big factors that make up who you are.

因此，当你在建立这些方面时发生的一切，都会对你产生更强的影响。

So anything that happens to you while you're building those kinds of things are gonna have a stronger impact on you.

所以这个伤害我的人，简直就是个垃圾。

So this person who hurt me, he was a garbage bag.

明白吗？

Okay?

他让我觉得自己是地球上最糟糕的人。

He made me feel like the worst person to walk on planet Earth.

很长一段时间里，我都让这个人来定义我是谁。

And for so long, I let this person identify who I was.

我让那些对我说的、在我身边说的关于我的话，塑造了现在的我，而我本不必赋予它们如此大的力量，我让它们成了我身份中如此重要的一部分，这简直太不健康了。

I let the things that were said about me to me, around me, shape even who I am now when I didn't need to give it that power, and I let it become such a big part of my identity that it was just so unhealthy.

现在我不确定我这样说你能不能理解。

Now I don't know if that made sense.

我觉得我没有用我想表达的方式讲清楚。

I don't think I really explained it in the way that I want to.

所以我要继续讲下一件事。

So I'm gonna move on to the next thing.

否则，我会一直原地打转。

Otherwise, I'll just continue to be talking in circles.

但这个故事的寓意是，要留住那些塑造了你的经历。

But moral of the story is be able to hold on to the experiences that shaped you.

因为我不否认，我们所经历的一切都应该塑造我们。

Because I don't deny that everything that we go through should shape us.

它们应该是我们成为谁的一部分因素。

It should be a factor in who we are.

但我认为它们不应当定义我们。

But I don't think they should define us.

我认为，那些真正伤害过我们的人，不配拥有对我们如此大的掌控力。

I don't think that the people who have really hurt us deserve that kind of power over us.

无论是身体上的伤害、情感上的伤害、言语上的伤害，还是心理上的伤害，无论你经历过什么，那都是真实的、强烈的，确实伤害了你，但不必让它成为你一生中塑造自我的唯一力量。

Whether it's physical hurt, emotional hurt, verbal hurt, mental hurt, whatever it may be, whatever it is that you've gone through, it is real and it is strong and it has hurt you but it doesn't have to be the thing that you let shape you for your whole life.

因为我不认为任何事情都值得拥有这样的力量。

Because I don't think anything deserves that power.

我读到另一件事，觉得很有意思，而且显然非常有道理：真正的宽恕建立在学会爱自己、用自己的爱与慰藉去抚平伤口，而不是让那个伤害你的人成为中心。

Another thing that I read and I found to be interesting and obviously make a lot of sense is that true forgiveness is built on learning to love yourself and bringing your own loving comfort to the wound instead of allowing that person to be the center of it.

你知道，我读的这篇文章大量谈到，你的心是受伤的地方，但同时也是治愈伤痛的地方。

You know, this article that I was reading was talking a lot about how your heart is the thing that hurts but your heart is also the thing that heals the area that hurts.

听起来这一切都有点陈词滥调、可笑，但其中确实蕴含着真理。

And it sounded all a little cliche and silly but there really is truth in it.

如果你能允许自己给予自己那个伤害你的人或那段经历未曾给你的安慰，你在宽恕的道路上就能前进很多。

You know, if you can allow yourself to give yourself the comfort that the person who hurt you, the experience you had didn't give you, you can move move the needle forward a lot in the way that you forgive.

当你能填补那个空缺时。

When you can fill that space.

我想，我们常常紧抓着伤痛不放，因为当我们紧抓它时，会以为这样不放手就是一种疗愈的方式。

We we often hold onto, I think, our hurt because when we when we hold on to it, we think that that's a way of of kind of healing it by just not letting go of it.

但事实上，这只会往伤口上撒盐，让痛苦持续更久。

But really all it does is just add salt to the wound, make it longer lasting.

我认为，将你所经历的伤害转化为对自己的慈悲，这其中蕴含着巨大的力量。

And I think there's a lot of power in taking the ways that you've been hurt and just filling yourself with that compassion.

我认为，做到这一点的一种方式是，如果你曾经历过欺凌这样的事。

And I think, like, a way to do this is if you've struggled with let's say it's bullying.

比如说，有人用言语对你造成了负面影响。

Let's say somebody has really used words to impact you negatively.

无论你是在什么年龄经历这些的。

Whatever age you experienced this.

我只是举一个宽泛的例子。

I'm just kinda giving a broad example.

但有人用非常负面的言语对你说话。

But somebody has used really negative words to talk to you.

你非常重要的一点是学会用积极的话语来充实自己。

It's very important that you learn to fill yourself with positive words.

我知道这听起来很傻，是个肤浅的例子，但我希望它足够宽泛，让你能把它应用到任何你曾经历的情境或体验中。

And I know it sounds like really silly and a really dumb surface level example, but I want it to be broad enough that you can take it and apply it to any situation or any experience that you have had.

你该如何感受自己？

How can you feel yourself?

是什么样的伤害让你一直以那个人看待你的方式来看待自己？

What way were you hurt that made you continue to see yourself the way that that person made you see you?

你该如何取代那种想法？

How can you replace that?

你知道吗，当我刚开始接触社交媒体、做这个播客，以及拥有那些宏大梦想、做着和我大多数朋友走的不同道路时，我经历了很多。

You know, I experienced a lot of when I first got started with social media, with starting this podcast, with, you know, having big big kind of dreams and doing things that were a little less on the the the path that most of my friends took.

我收到了很多负面反馈，人们告诉我这太蠢了、太傻了，你看起来像个傻子，你只是在让自己丢脸，太尴尬了，诸如此类的话。

I got a lot of feedback that was negative of people telling me it's so dumb, it's so stupid, you look like an idiot, you're just embarrassing yourself, it's so cringe, yada yada yada yada.

当你开始在互联网上发帖时，这些话你都会听到。

You hear it all when you start posting on the Internet.

我跟你说。

I'll tell you.

如果你知道，你就知道。

If you know, you know.

但如果我让那些人对我的能力的评价成为我对自己真正的信念，我根本不会坚持下去。

But if I let all those people's opinions of what I was capable of be the belief that I actually held upon myself, I never would have kept going.

我永远不会继续坚持下去。

I never would have kept pushing.

但在那时，我真的很为自己感到骄傲，我对别人怎么评价我、评价我是否有能力完全不在乎。

But at that point in my life, and I really applaud myself for this, I was so I did not give a rip about what other people said about me or about what I was capable of or not capable of.

我只是相信自己。

I just believed in myself.

我用爱、远大的梦想和满满的自信来充实自己。

And I filled myself with love and and big dreams and a whole lot of confidence.

无论你曾被他人如何伤害，最重要的是用这种爱来充实自己，因为你不能总指望别人满足你的需求。

And it's just important to wherever you've been hurt by others to fill yourself with that love because you can't rely on other people to meet your needs all the time.

你不能指望他们知道你的挣扎、你经历过什么、你的敏感话题和弱点在哪里。

You can't expect them to know where your struggles are, what you've been through, what your sore subjects are, what your weak points are.

所以，要学会依靠自己。

So just be able to lean on yourself.

这非常重要。

It's very important.

下一个。

Next.

这是我在这里添加的一点，我认为在宽恕方面非常有价值。

This is something that I added onto here that I think is very valuable when it comes to forgiveness.

我觉得写一封信真的很重要。

I think it's really important to write a letter.

不是你要给任何人看的信，也不是你要分享的信。

Not a letter that you're actually gonna give to anybody, not a letter that you're gonna share.

而是一封真正剖析你经历了什么、你觉得它如何伤害了你，以及你为什么原谅那个伤害你的人的信。

Just a letter that really breaks down what it is that you went through, where you think it's hurt you, and why you forgive the person that hurt you.

我们经历的一切都会教会我们一些东西。

Everything that we go through teaches us something.

有时候，这是一堂很难学会的课。

Sometimes it's a really hard lesson to learn.

但我觉得，当我们反思自己经历的事情，并真正深入反思，而不是只花两分钟想想就回去刷Instagram。

But I think when we reflect on the things that we've experienced and really reflect, not just think about it for two minutes and then go back on Instagram.