听众故事108：90年代的故事！

我吃了一顿胡乱的早餐，所以滚开。

I ate a huffy breakfast, so fuck off.

生活。

Life.

所以滚开。

So fuck off.

没关系。

It's cool.

我会说这个世界

I'll say the world

有时正在终结。

is ending sometimes.

给它一次机会。

Give it a chance.

吃你

Eat what you

想吃。

want.

你干嘛吃这么好？

Why you eating so good?

世界末日了。

The world is ending.

好吧。

Alright.

你最好查一下，保证会大失所望。

You may wanna look it up to be absolutely underwhelmed.

大失所望，但确实如此。

Underwhelmed, but yeah.

回到我们刚才说的，没关系。

Back to our It's okay.

这里的Smarties，如果它们不是

The Smarties from here, if they're not the

一样的，真的很好吃。

same, are really good.

是的。

Yeah.

它们真的很好吃。

They are really good.

所以试试这些。

So try those.

我寄一些给你。

I'll send you some.

你还好吗？

You okay.

你们寄给我们，我们再寄给你们，你们再把那些奶酪味的、该死的薯片寄回来。

You send us we'll send you those and you send us back those, Those cheesy The cheesy, like Fucking chip.

膨化的。

The puffed.

它们是什么？

What are they?

等一下。

Hold on.

我要查一下，不然我会生气的。

I'm gonna look it up because it's gonna piss me off.

有一种加拿大的东西。

There's a Canadian thing.

我知道我们跑题了，但管他呢，老兄。

I know we're getting off track, but whatever, man.

中心部分非常重要。

A center to This is very important.

它是奶酪味的，有点像奇多。

It's a cheesy, like, almost like a Cheeto.

是的。

Yeah.

它就像一个奇多。

It's like a Cheeto.

我打出来了。

I typed it

哦，哦，它们是

Oh, oh, they're

叫奇芝。

called Cheezys.

奇芝。

Cheezys.

奇芝。

Cheezys.

这些东西。

These things.

给我寄点奇芝。

Send me some Cheezys.

这些都是大号的Cheezys。

They're big boy Cheezys.

哦，没错。

Oh, hell yeah.

给我们拿一些来。

Get us those.

如果你给我寄一些Cheezys，我就给你寄一些Smarties。

I will send you some Smarties if you send me Cheezys.

是的。

Yeah.

好的，姑娘。

Okay, girl.

哦，哦，抱歉。

Oh, oh, sorry.

还有Tim Tams。

And Tim Tams.

给你。

There you go.

我全吃完了。

I'm all done.

是的。

Yep.

好的。

Okay.

我们现在好了。

We're good now.

但回到我们的故事。

But back to our story.

就连她也知道‘甚至’。

Even she knew even.

她就说，你知道吗？

She was like, you know what?

我觉得你会在这里下车。

I think you're going get off on here.

简而言之，凭着我那适合生育的骨盆和丰满的胸部，我看起来完全像我将近19岁的样子。

Suffice it to say, with my birthing hips and boobies, I looked every bit of my almost 19 years.

太棒了，女王。

Good for you, Queen.

是的。

Yeah.

为你高兴。

Good for you.

在那个命运之日，艾莉森和我开车驶入了当地的一个公园，而当时我们并不知道，这个公园离莱斯利和克里斯汀惨遭杀害的那栋房子仅仅几步之遥，后来我们得知真相时，深受震撼。

On the fateful day in question, Alison and I pulled into one of the local parks, the knowing of which would later shake us to our very cores, when we would learn it was right around the corner from the house where the horrific murders of Leslie and Kristen took place.

哦，天哪。

Oh, wow.

我们正像一只摄入了过量咖啡因的树懒一样充满热情地布置游戏，这时一辆深蓝色、车窗贴膜的面包车突然出现了。

We were setting up some games with all the enthusiasm of a sloth on a caffeine overdose when a dark blue van with tinted windows suddenly appeared.

它缓缓靠近公园唯一的出入口，最终完全堵住了我们，就像一部B级恐怖片里的场景。

It slowly crept closer to the only entrance and exit to the park until it had completely blocked us in like a scene from a B list horror flick.

哦，我真他妈讨厌这个。

Oh, I fucking hate that.

驾驶座的门打开了，虽然我们当时还不知道他的身份，但走下来的是保罗·伯纳尔多。

The driver's door opened and though we didn't yet know his identity, out stepped Paul Bernardo.

什么？！

What the fuck?

你竟然离这个混蛋这么近。

The fact that you were that close to this motherfucker.

这太可怕了。

Is horrifying.

他静静地站在那里，望着我们的方向。

He stood looking silently in our direction.

我出于最本能的反应，原地僵住，把孩子们紧紧搂在怀里。

I, for no other reason than basic instinct, froze in place and gathered the children closer to me.

干得漂亮。

Good on you.

是的，我就喜欢凭直觉行事。

Yeah, that's the I love an instinct.

另一方面，艾莉森以为这肯定是一位家长来送孩子，正朝面包车走来。

Allison, on the other hand, assumed this must be a parent looking to drop off his child and approach the van.

那个混蛋脸上带着能和小丑媲美的诡异笑容，开始问艾莉森一些问题，比如我们每周什么时候来这个公园、具体几点、是总是一起来还是有时会单独来？

With a creepy grin that could rival Jokers, that shit stain began asking Alison questions like when we were at the particular park each week, what time, and were we always together or did we ever come alone?

老天，别一个人去公园。

Bitch, no, don't go to the park alone.

回忆并写下这些时，我全身都起鸡皮疙瘩。

I have full body chills as I recall and write this.

艾莉森很快对他的提问感到不安，开始慢慢往后退，朝我和孩子们的方向移动。

Alison quickly grew alarmed by his line of questioning and began to slowly step back in the direction of me and the children.

她一后退，他就立刻向前迈了一步。

As soon as she did, he also took a step forward.

哦，那就是你被打了一针的时候。

Oh, that's when you got a junk jab.

对。

Yep.

我看着呢

I watched

压力。

stress.

确实如此，尼古拉斯。

Indeed, Nicholas.

我看着事情发生，赶紧朝自己的车跑去，试图从驾驶座车窗伸手去拿车上的电话。

I watched the scene unfolding and moved hastily in the direction of my own car, attempting to reach through the driver's window for my car phone.

是的，女士们，是车载电话。

Yes, ladies, a car phone.

如果在听的人太年轻不知道那是什么，去你妈的，自己去谷歌一下。

If anyone listening is too young to know what that is, fuck you, Google it.

经典。

Iconic.

紧张局势升级，我感到喉咙里涌上一股恶心，因为很明显，这个人打算继续一寸一寸地逼近。

The tension escalated and I felt the bile rising in my throat as it was clear this individual had every intention of continuing his inch by inch pursuit.

就在所有人面前，而且

Like in front of everyone And

就在这时，我们的救星出现了——不是骑着白马，而是一辆白色皮卡，车上有震耳欲聋的低音喇叭，手里还拿着麦当劳的袋子。

that's when our saviour arrived, not on a white horse, but a white pickup truck with obnoxiously loud bass speakers clutching McDonald's bag.

雷，这个荒诞故事里的英雄，当时是我的男朋友。

Ray, the hero of our absurd tale, was my boyfriend at the time.

我最终确实嫁给了他，但后来离开了他和圣凯瑟琳斯。

I did end up marrying him, then later left him and St.

为了纽约市的璀璨灯火，我离开了圣凯瑟琳斯，但那就是另一个故事了。

Catharines behind for the bright lights of New York City, but that's a tale of its own.

别评判。

Don't judge.

我永远不会。

I never will.

我不会评判你，姑娘。

I will not judge you, girl.

邻居。

Neighbour.

雷当时在附近做建筑工，因为他知道我每周去公园的时间，便决定给我们一个惊喜，带午餐来。

Ray was working construction in the neighbourhood, and since he knew my weekly park schedule, he had decided to surprise us with lunch.

哎呀。

Aw.

从麦当劳来的。

From Mikie D's.

真是个实在人。

What a real one.

真是个男人。

What a man.

据我所知。

From what I know.

据我们所知。

From what we know.

他直接把车停在了先生旁边。

He pulled up right next to Mr.

那个诡异的货车里拿着一个棕色纸袋，里面装的，没错，就是你猜到了的，开心乐园餐。

Creepy Van holding a brown paper bag containing, yes, you guessed it, Happy Meals.

咱们走吧。

Let's fucking go.

你可能会问，两个成年大学生要开心乐园餐干嘛？

What would two grown college girls want with a Happy Meal, you may ask?

甜酸口味。

Sweet and sour.

当然是为了玩具啊。

Why, the toys, of course.

当年麦当劳搞过某种玩具促销活动，但我现在真的记不清了。

Good old Mikie D's was doing some sort of toy promotion that I honestly can't remember anymore.

但那时候，我们都疯狂地想收集任何能弄到手的东西。

But back then, we were all obsessed with collecting anything and everything we could get our hands on.

收集是九十年代非常重要的一部分。

Collecting was a huge part of the nineties.

最狠的套路了。

Cruelest shit.

我那时候把所有九十年代的小玩具都集齐了。

I had every nineties, like, little toy.

是的。

Yeah.

而且我并不是总能去麦当劳，因为我爸妈说不行，不能吃快餐。

And I didn't get to go to McDonald's all the time, like, because and it's because my parents were like, no, fast food.

哦，天哪。

Oh, bitch.

我妈妈真够烂的。

My mom was trash.

我们经常去。

We went all the time.

那总像是一次特别的场合。

It was always like a very special occasion.

比如我去看医生的时候。

Like if I like went to my doctor's appointment.

是的。

Yeah.

你懂我的意思吧？

Like, know what I mean?

但没错。

But yeah.

所以收集是

So collecting was a

很大的

big

是90年代的重要部分。

a big part of the '90.

我记得那些小玩具，他们有小小的芭比娃娃。

I remember those little they had little Barbie toys.

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

你还记得芭比娃娃吗？

You remember the Barbie toys?

我至今还留着一些我的芭比。

I still have some of mine.

太酷了。

That's so cool.

我记得曾经听说过那些。

I remember, like, hearing about those.

我不记得我曾经得到过这些玩具。

I don't remember, like, getting them.

当然了。

Hell yeah.

它们太棒了。

They were awesome.

我觉得德鲁的表妹曾经把一个芭比娃娃的头塞进了一瓶番茄酱里。

I think Drew's cousin once dunked one of her Barbie heads into a ketchup thing.

天啊。

Damn.

她因此挨了批评。

Got in trouble for it.

这太夸张了。

That's intense.

是的。

Yeah.

这很有趣。

It's funny.

所以，再来一遍，午餐盒镇，女士们。

So again, lunchbox town, ladies.

所以请给我们一点宽容。

So cut us a little slack.

我们青少年那会儿，唯一能阻止我们走向黑暗面的，就是麦片盒里偶尔出现的奖品和婚前性行为。

All we had was the occasional prize at the bottom of a Cheerios box and premarital sex to keep us teens from heading to the dark side.

我跟你说真的，就好像宇宙派了一队小丑车来救我们。

I kid you not, it was as if the universe had sent a clown car convoy to rescue us.

令人惊讶的是，那位连环杀手并没有留下来等欢乐餐的惊喜。

Shockingly, Mr.

他一看到雷，就跳上货车，以比你说‘超大份’还快的速度冲出了停车场。

Serial Killer didn't stick around for the Happy Meal surprise.

他一看到雷，就跳上货车，以比你说‘超大份’还快的速度冲出了停车场。

He jumped in the van at the first sight of Ray and peeled out of the parking lot faster than you can say supersized.

哦，他们记得那部电影。

Oh, they remember that movie.

我们立刻报了警，并提供了司机和那辆货车的非常准确的描述，我自豪地说，这些信息后来对破案并最终抓获这对杀手夫妇起到了关键作用。

We immediately called the police and were able to give a very accurate description of both the driver and the van, which I am proud to say later factored into the case and the ultimate apprehension of the killer couple.

我们喜欢看到两个坏女人。

We love seeing two bad bitches.

是的。

Yes.

两个坏女人。

Two bad bitches.

在公园里。

At a park.

哇哦。

Woah.

在公园里。

At a park.

在公园里。

At a park.

几个月过去了，我们都继续过着自己的生活。

Months passed and we all went on with our lives.

艾莉森和我回到了大学，像青少年那样失去了联系。

Alison and I returned to college and lost touch as teenagers do.

然后有一天，这个消息曝光了，终于有人被捕，整个尼亚加拉地区的人们都聚集在电视机前，收听晚间新闻，终于揭开了克莉丝汀·弗伦奇和莱斯利·马法伊失踪案背后的恶魔真面目。

Then one day the story broke, an arrest was finally made and the entire Niagara Region gathered their collective television sets to hear the evening news that finally revealed the monster behind Kristen French and Leslie Mahaffy's disappearances.

保罗·伯纳尔多那张令人作呕的面孔在屏幕上出现还不到几秒钟，厨房里的电话就响了。

Paul Bernardo's grotesque image hadn't appeared on the screen for more than a few seconds when the kitchen phone rang.

那时候，我不需要来电显示就知道电话那头一定是艾莉森，像喝了浓缩咖啡的吉娃娃一样颤抖，爪子沉重得像灌了铅。

Back then I didn't need caller ID to know it would be Alison on the other end, trembling like chihuahuas on espresso with paws made of lead.

我们轮流说着那些令人毛骨悚然的话。

We took turns stumbling over the bone chilling words.

就是他。

It's him.

就是那个公园里的家伙。

It's the guy from the park.

这太吓人了。

That's so fucking scary.

回到我之前那个看似毫不相关的说法——我太喜欢太多 smarty lizards 了，你们这些女士和听众们 probably 已经把线索串起来了。

Circling back to my earlier, seemingly non sequitur about my enjoyment of one too many smarty lizards, you ladies and listeners have probably already connected the dots.

艾莉森体重轻、身材娇小，完全符合这个怪物和他的野蛮新娘所瞄准的类型。

Alison, light in weight and small in stature, perfectly fit the profile this monster and his beast bride had been targeting.

容易抓到，也容易处理。

Easy to grab and easy to dispose of.

天啊。

Oh my god.

那个夏天的下午，保罗·伯纳多正在外物色下一个受害者，而与此同时，克里斯汀·弗伦奇还活着，被囚禁并遭受折磨，就在离我们仅几个街区远的地方。

That summer day, Paul Bernardo had been out stalking his next victim, all while Kristen French was still very much alive and being held captive and tortured just a few blocks away from us.

天哪。

Holy shit.

哦，这太令人不寒而栗了。

Oh, that's so chilling.

一份该死的快乐餐救了艾莉森，让她逃出了连环杀手的魔爪，这种讽刺让我们所有人都难以承受。

A fucking happy meal had saved Alison from the clutches of serial killer and the irony was too much for any of us to bear.

有时候，即使生命中最黑暗的时刻，也需要一点幽默来让它更容易接受。

Sometimes even life's darkest moments need to be served with a side of humor to make them a bit more palatable.

同意。

Agreed.

所以，我那些阴暗可爱的人们，这就是一个少年的故事——他手里只拿着一个午餐袋，只为了实现吃点东西的梦想，却在面对真正难以言喻的邪恶时，成了意想不到的英雄。

So that, my morbid lovelies, is the tale of how a teenage boy, armed with nothing more than a lunch bag in the dream of getting some, became the unlikely hero in the face of truly unspeakable evil.

保持怪异，女士们，为了公共安全，也许你们该去买份快乐餐。

Keep it weird, ladies, and in the interest of public safety, maybe go grab yourselves a Happy Meal.

用美好的时光威胁我吧，不过你让我们想去吃丹尼皇后了。

Threaten me with a good time, except you inspired us to get Dairy Queen.

但问题是。

But here's the thing.

那我们现在不去吃麦当劳，然后用达美乐冰淇淋当甜点吗？

Now you're Are we not gonna eat get Mickey D's with Dairy Queen for dessert?

不，我就想吃面包。

No, I want the bread.

我们可以全都要。

We can get it all.

为什么只能选一个？

Why choose one?

想买什么就买什么。

Get whatever you want.

我要点个鸡篮配吐司，好吧，为了你，我都买。

I'm getting a chicken basket with toast Alright, I'm and getting both in your honor.

你真的都要买。

You're getting both.

看看你。

Look at you.

她是个狠角色。

She's bad bitch.

饿了。

Hungry.

你新陈代谢很快。

You have a fast metabolism.

那真是个令人震惊的故事。

That was a shocking tale.

是的，我没料到会变成这样。

Yeah, I did not expect that to go like that.

因为我从没想过，不仅会见到后来才发现是连环杀手的人，

Because I never think of what it would be like not just to see somebody that you later find out is a serial killer,

而且还差点被他们绑架。

but to almost be abducted by them.

而是真正与他们互动，和他们有过一段奇怪的时刻，感觉那本可能就是我们接下来的遭遇。

But to actually interact with them and have a weird moment with them and have it be like, that could have been us next.

而且要知道克里斯滕·弗伦奇还活着。

And to know that Kristen French was alive.

那就是对。

That's Yeah.

我们总是说，当我们讲述这些案件时，每当发生可怕的事情，就会想，想象一下隔壁有人正在打扫房子。

We always say, like, when we're telling these cases and, like, something awful happens, it's like, imagine like somebody was just next door, like cleaning their house.

你根本不知道。

You had no

有这种可能。

idea.

这真是一个绝佳的例子。

And that's such a prime example

如果这些孩子正在公园里玩耍，无忧无虑。

If of these kids are playing at the park, have not a care in the world.

大白天的。

Middle of the day.

贾斯汀·弗伦奇就在几个街区之外，还活着。

Justin French is a few blocks away alive.

是的。

Yeah.

而他只是在外面巡逻，因为有人

And he's just out patrolling for It's someone

太可怕了。

awful.

确实如此。

It really is.

太吓人了，生活竟如此黯淡。

So scary, just like how bleak life is.

真的

It really

是。

is.

好吧，下一个案子可能因为名字的关系，算是个调剂。

Alright, well, next case is maybe a bit of a palate cleanser based on the name.

我老爸被扔出去的那次。

The time my dad got yeeted by

地狱恶魔。

the Jersey Devil.

太棒了。

Hell yeah.

本来是冲着我来的。

It was meant for me.

我老爸被地狱恶魔扔出去，这让我对怪诞恐怖的事物产生了终生的兴趣。

My dad getting yeeted by the Jersey Devil led to my lifelong interest in the weirdo macabre.

你们这些美丽的坏女孩、恐怖事物的专家、阴暗之美的女主人、疯狂事物的收藏家，你们好。

Hello you beautiful bad bitches, mavens of the macabre, mistresses of the morbid, collectors of the crazy.

我们都在收集。

We're all collecting.

收集？我就是个收集狂。

Collecting Like, that's what I'm shit.

自从疫情以来，我就一直是《Morbid》的粉丝和忠实听众。

I've been a fan and avid listener of morbid since COVID.

让我告诉你，听你在早期节目中谈论所有那些未来的伟大冒险，却知道因为疫情这些都不会发生，真是令人沮丧。

And let me tell you, it was distressing to listen to you talk about all your future grand adventures adventures in the early seasons, knowing that none of them would happen because of the Rona.

是的，疫情。

Yeah, the Rona.

我经历过无数次

The number of

每当听到你无知地提到2020年3月之后的巡演或聚会时，我都忍不住说‘你这天真的小家伙’，这种次数少说也有几百次。

times I said, oh, you sweet summer child, as you unknowingly mentioned some tour or get together to happen post March 2020 had to have been in the hundreds.

不过话说回来，你们的互动和古怪幽默感帮我度过了被困在家、在沙发上上网课，以及烘焙各种翻车经历的日子。

That being said, your banter and quirky humor got me through being stuck at home, teaching from my couch, and my misadventures in baking.

别否认。

Don't deny it.

封锁期间，我们都试图在厨房里做高档面包。

We all tried to make fancy pants bread in our kitchen during lockdown.

是的。

Yeah.

确实如此。

It's true.

你知道我在封锁期间做了多少次什么吗？

You know what I made so much of during lockdown?

速溶咖啡或者打发咖啡。

Instant coffee or whipped coffee.

打发咖啡。

Whipped coffee.

你从来没做过打发咖啡吗？

You never made whipped coffee?

嗯，你有孩子。

Well, you have children.

我正想说，我没做过打发咖啡。

I was just gonna say I wasn't making whipped coffee.

哦，

Oh,

只是在坚持活下去。

surviving.

你把速溶咖啡、糖，然后加点水或者牛奶，接着要么用搅拌器打发，要么用手

I You put like instant coffee, sugar and then like water or milk, and you like either froth it or you like hand

我从来不喜欢打发任何东西。

I mix love frothing anything.

我也是。

Me too.

我们应该做一下。

We should make it.

其实味道特别好。

It's actually really good.

是的

Yeah.

我们应该搅打。

We should froth.

我们开始搅打吧。

Let's froth.

我们明天开始搅打吧。

Let's start frothing tomorrow.

纽约的女性们。

Women of New York.

谢谢你们自己搅打。

Thank you for Froth yourselves.

不。

No.

我只是想

I was just trying to

成为一名幼儿园老师。

become a preschool teacher.

是的。

Yeah.

我稍微帮了你一下。

I helped You a little bit with did.

那是一段经历。

And it was an experience.

是的。

Yeah.

老师是

Teachers are the

最棒的，应该得到很多钱。

best and deserve lots of money.

听起来你可能是一名老师。

And it sounds like you might be a teacher.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我希望你能多次加薪。

So I hope you get many raises.

我希望你们相处愉快。

I hope you get along.

我迫不及待想读你的书，艾琳娜。

So I can't wait to read your book, Alaina.

哦，谢谢。

Oh, thanks.

我正陷在我的低俗阅读阶段，得等我读完关于‘小弟弟’弄坏牛仔裤的故事后再说了。

I'm stuck in my smut era, it'll have to wait till I'm done reading about peens destroying the jeans.

太棒了。

Awesome.

阿什，我希望你的婚礼超级精彩。

Ash, I hope your wedding was fan fucking tastic.

是的。

It was.

我爱你。

I love you.

我2021年结婚了，现在回想起来，真希望一切能重来一遍，因为那简直太棒了。

I got married in 2021, and I look back on it and wish I could do it all over again because it was amaze balls.

啊，我也是。

Aw, me too.

我一直都想好好体验自己的婚礼。

I always like, I wanna experience my wedding.

对。

Yeah.

我丈夫给我一个惊喜，唱了我们第一支舞歌曲的开头部分，再加上所有朋友和家人都在身边，那是我人生中最棒的一夜。

My husband surprised me by singing the first part of our first dance song and between that and having all my friends and family around, it was the best night ever.

我只希望每个结婚的人都能拥有最美好的体验。

I only hope that everyone who gets married has the absolute best time ever.

我也是。

Me too.

你真贴心。

What a sweetie you are.

这真的很温馨。

That's really sweet.

作为开场白，你可以用我的名字以及这个故事中提到的任何其他信息。

As a forward, you can use my name and any other information that comes up in this tale.

你不是第一个听我讲的人，也肯定不会是最后一个。

You aren't the first people I've told and you sure as hell won't be the last.

这是我常用来展示我童年多么独特又美好的方式。

That's one of my go to's to show how messed up in a good way my childhood was.

太喜欢了。

Love that.

我们开始吧。

Let's do it.

我叫摩根。

My name is Morgan.

摩根。

Morgan.

摩根。

Morgan.

在讲我的故事之前，我要说明我住在新泽西州最南端。

And to preface my tale, I live in extreme South Jersey.

就是那个挂在我们州小家伙身上的小破地方。

You know, that little dingleberry turd that hangs off the little dude that is my state.

就是这儿。

That one.

大多数人一想到新泽西，就会想到拥挤、充满烟雾的郊区城市。

Most people think of the congested, smog infested city suburbs when they think of New Jersey.

但在我住的地方，更多的是沙土小路和农场。

But where I live, it's more sandy back roads and farms.

是的。

Yes.

夏天的时候，我们这里被很多 shoobies 淹没，但其他时间都很安静和平静。

We are, inundated with shoobies in the summer, but outside of those times, it's quiet and peaceful.

Shoobies？

Shoobies?

你知道什么是 shoobie 吗？

Do know what a shoobie is?

我不知道什么是

I don't know what

shoobie。

a shoobie is.

让我们来了解一下什么是 shoobie。

Let's find out what a shoobie is.

我来查一下

I'll look

你做这件事的时候把它拿起来。

it up while you do this.

好的。

Alright.

我会让你打断我。

I'll let you interrupt me.

我小时候没有空调，所以我们经常会去坐花生车，买冰淇淋，开着空调兜风，享受凉爽的片刻。

When I was very young, we didn't have air conditioning, so we would go on peanut rides where we would get ice cream and cruise around with the AC on, enjoying the respite from the heat.

大多数时候，我们会开车经过杰克登陆点，那是一条短而直的路，通向沼泽中的一艘船。

Most of the time, we would end up driving down Jake's Landing, a short, rather straight road that went out to a boat in the marsh.

我知道了什么是shoobie。

I found out what a shoe bee is.

联系我。

Hit me up.

这是一个术语，用于描述新泽西州南部海岸和加州部分地区的人们，指那些乘火车或巴士来海滩一日游的游客。

It is a term used by locals on the Southern New Jersey Coast and parts of California to describe day tripping tourists who visit the beach, often arriving by train or bus.

鞋客。

Shoobies.

鞋客。

Shoobies.

我有点着迷于这个。

I'm kind of obsessed with that.

刚到木板路上。

Just arriving on the boardwalk.

我喜欢这个。

I love it.

我非常喜欢。

I like it a lot.

好的。

All right.

这条路两侧部分种着雪松，整齐排列，是上世纪三十年代民间保护团计划的一部分，还有一处来自19世纪初的小型家族墓地。

Well, the road was partially flanked by cedars, all in straight rows, part of the CCC program in the thirties, and a small family cemetery from the early eighteen hundreds.

哦，我喜欢这个。

Oh, I love that.

那里以前有农夫摊位，但那些房子都被搬到了最近的城镇或冷泉村——一个十九世纪的露天博物馆。

There used to be farm stands out there, but the houses were moved to the closest town or to Cold Spring Village, a nineteenth century open air, oh, open air museum.

露天生活博物馆。

Open air living museum.

那里没有灯光，树木非常茂密，月光几乎透不进来。

There are no lights and the trees are so thick that the moonlight barely filters through.

喂？

Hello?

哦，听起来既吓人又棒。

Oh, that sounds spooky and awesome.

说它吓人都是轻描淡写。

To say it spooky is an understatement.

哦，好吧。

Oh, Okay.

我父母那两个疯疯癫癫的人，总爱吓唬我们。

My parents, the unhinged people they are, would always try to scare us.

所以，当然了，杰克登陆处住着新泽西恶魔。

So, of course, the Jersey Devil lived down in Jake's Landing.

作为复习一下，新泽西恶魔是一种长着蝙蝠翅膀、鹿头、分趾蹄的恐怖生物，专门在松林荒地作恶。

Just as a refresher, the Jersey Devil is a bat winged, deer headed, cloven hooved menace that terrorizes the Pine Barrens.

据我妈妈说，他特别喜欢那些吃冰淇淋的孩子，而巧合的是，我弟弟丹尼尔和我刚刚很可能就吃过了冰淇淋。

And according to my mom, he loves children who eat ice cream, which coincidentally, my brother Daniel and I had most likely just consumed.

是的。

Yep.

你那是典型的妈妈式恐吓。

You were being That's some real mom shit.

你当时

You were

那晚我们就是调皮的孩子。

being bad kids that night.

通常，我们待在车里是安全的。

Usually, we were safe inside the confines of the car.

但这个夜晚，这个令人难忘的夜晚，我们并没有想象中那么安全。

But this night, this very memorable night, we weren't as safe as we thought.

我们正开着车，享受着冰淇淋和凉爽的空气，突然车停了下来。

We were driving along, enjoying our ice cream and the cool air when the car suddenly stopped working.

我爸爸试图让车重新启动，引擎发出巨大的轰鸣声，但车子依然纹丝不动。

The engine roared loudly as my dad tried to get the car to move, but we stayed motionless.

树木倾斜着覆盖在车顶上，遮住了本就微弱的月光。

The trees leaned over the car, blocking out what little moonlight there was.

数英里内唯一的光源就是车头灯。

The only light for miles was the headlights.

谁知道它们还能保护我们多久，抵御那潜伏的黑暗？

And who knew how long they would continue to protect us from the lurking darkness?

我爸爸勇敢地说，他要下车去看看引擎出了什么问题，尽管我妈妈激烈反对，他还是掀开了引擎盖，打开了车门。

My dad bravely said that he would venture out to see if he could find something wrong with the engine, And despite my mom's dramatic protestations, he popped the hood and opened his door.

丹尼尔六岁，我三岁，坐在后座上，眼睛睁得大大的，嘴里还沾着滴落的冰淇淋，看着爸爸走进了注定是死亡的黑暗中。

Daniel six and I three sat in the back seat wide eyed and sticky mouthed from the dripping ice cream and watched as our dad stepped into what was certain death.

我们看着他平静地走到车前，掀开引擎盖，在下面摆弄着，嘴里嘟囔着‘该死的火腿三明治’或者‘飞天松鼠’之类的咒语。

We walk he walked calmly into the front of the car, lifted the hood and tinkered under there, muttering son of a ham sandwich or flipping flying squirrels.

老爸这操作简直太牛了。

Amazing dad shit right there.

确实如此。

Truly.

他表现出沮丧，却怎么也找不到问题所在。

Showing his frustration and not finding anything wrong.

几分钟后，他走到妈妈那边的车窗旁，妈妈降下车窗，他解释说没发现任何异常，只能步行到最近的屋子打电话给爷爷来接我们。

After a few minutes, he walked to my mom's side of the car, she put down the window, and he explained that he couldn't find anything wrong and he was going to have to walk to the nearest house to call my grandpa to come get us.

那是90年代，手机只有非常富有或重要的人才拥有。

This was the 1990s, and cell phones were only for the very rich and important.

是的。

Yep.

就在妈妈叹气，接受今晚将是个漫长夜晚的时候，我父亲发出了一声

Just as my mom sighed, accepting that tonight would be a long night, my father let out

我从未听过的尖叫声。

a shriek like I've never heard before.

你从不希望你的父亲发出尖叫声。

You never want your dad to let out a shriek.

是的。

No.

即使你以前听过。

Even when you've heard before.

总之，就是不希望他大喊大叫。

Well, just never want him to yell out a shriek.

也许吧。

Maybe.

这通常意味着有什么糟糕的事情发生了。

It usually means something bad is happening.

是的。

Yeah.

你知道的。

You know?

是的。

Yeah.

嗯，这明显意味着有坏事发生了。

Well, started This definitely means something bad is happening.

他开始抓挠车窗框，试图抓住我妈妈的手，却被缓缓拖拽着下沉，他大喊着：‘有什么东西抓住我了。’

He started clawing at the window frame, grabbing for my mom's hands while being slowly dragged down and under He the was screaming, something's got me.

有什么东西抓住我了。

Something's got me.

我妈妈试图把他拉回来，但她根本无法抗衡我爸爸六英尺二英寸的斯堪的纳维亚体型——他正被我们只能猜测是泽西恶魔的东西拖到车底。

My mom tried to pull him in, but she was no match for my dad's six two Scandinavian frame being pulled under the car by what we could only assume was the Jersey Devil.

绝对是的。

It absolutely was.

我坐在后座上僵住了，看着我认识的最强壮、最伟大的人被吞噬。

I sat frozen in the back seat as the biggest, strongest man I had ever known was being devoured.

另一方面，我哥哥意识到，既然我爸爸显然要死了，现在他就是家里的男人了。

My brother, on the other hand, realized that he was the man of the house now since my dad was obviously gonna die.

于是他冷静地锁上了车门，告诉妈妈把车窗升起来，这样我们就安全了。

So he calmly locked the doors and told my mom to roll up the windows so we would be safe.

他才六岁。

He is six.

就是六岁。

That's six.

他跟妈妈说：‘好吧，我现在是家里的男人了。’

He's like, mama, well, I'm the man of the house.

就在那一刻，他仿佛长出了胡子。

He just grew a mustache in that moment.

他说：‘拉妈妈……’

He's like, pulls mama

一支雪茄。

a cigar.

他就像说，嗯。

He's like, well.

顺便说一下，我还活着。

Side note, I'm not dead.

爸爸的

Dad's

死了。

dead.

顺便说一下。

Side note.

我不明白为什么我们会觉得一个存在了几个世纪的神话生物竟然不会想办法打开车门，但我们就是这么想了。

I'm not sure why we thought a mythical being that was centuries old couldn't figure out how to break into the car, but we did.

是的。

Yeah.

为什么不呢？

Why not?

汽车开始剧烈摇晃。

The car started rocking violently.

天哪。

Oh my god.

我爸爸一边与新泽西恶魔搏斗，一边不停地大喊。

And my dad kept shouting as he fought off the Jersey Devil.

我知道这是我最后一次听到我爸爸的声音。

I knew this was the last time I was gonna hear my dad's voice.

什么？

What?

我将成为那个父亲被新泽西恶魔杀死的女孩。

I was going to be the girl whose dad was killed by the Jersey Devil.

我妈妈会成为寡妇，因为她的丈夫被一个神秘生物吃掉了。

My My mom would be widowed because her husband was eaten by a cryptid.

我们的生活再也不会一样了。

Our lives would never be the same again.

突然，我爸爸出现在驾驶座一侧的车门旁，身上有点脏，但基本没事。

Suddenly, my dad popped up next to the driver's side door, a bit dirty but relatively unharmed.

他冲我妈妈大喊，让她解锁车门，然后跳上车，发动了汽车。

He screamed at my mom to unlock the doors, hopped in and started the car.

奇迹般地，汽车顺利启动并正常行驶。

Miraculously, the car started and drove with no problem.

我爸爸像疯子一样开车，回到了最近的高速公路，那里相对安全一些。

My dad drove like a maniac back to the relative safety of the nearest highway.

我知道我们能从与如此邪恶致命的生物的遭遇中幸存下来，实在是非常幸运。

I knew we were incredibly lucky to have survived an interaction with such an evil and deadly creature.

是的。

Yeah.

直到后来我才意识到，那些事根本没发生过，我父母只是两个喜欢拿吓唬孩子当消遣的混蛋。

It wasn't until later in life that I realized none of that actually happened and my parents are just turd buckets who like scaring their children for the lulls of it all.

你的父母就是一切。

Your parents are everything.

这一切都只是一个巨大的玩笑。

All of it was just a huge joke.

现在我知道了汽车空挡的工作原理，一切都说得通了。

And now that I know how neutral works in a car, it all makes sense.

不是空挡。

Not neutral.

我爱您的父母。

I love your parents.

然而，这类经历，加上我在一座十九世纪的老房子里长大，那里总有看不见的老太太们在空荡荡的客厅里闲言碎语，婴儿在空置的卧室里哭泣，

However, these types of interactions along with growing up in a nineteenth century house where invisible old Oh, ladies God.

这些都帮助我走向了黑暗、阴郁又古怪的道路，我们这是在往前走。

Would gossip in an in the empty living room and babies would cry in the vacant bedrooms Helped me helped lead me down the dark, morbid and Hey weirdos, We're this is moving.

我们在聊牛。

We're talk about cows.

总之，这让我走上了黑暗、阴森和诡异的道路。

Anyway, helped lead me down the dark, morbid and spooky path.

我现在是个正牌的备忘录了。

I am now a card carrying memo.

我得走了。

I have to go.

电影的正牌备忘录。

Card carrying memo of the movie.

就像说备忘录那样。

Said like memo.

曼波第五号。

Mambo number five.

别管那个了，你知道的，别碰它。

Can leave that You know what, alone.

你的肠子不会掉出来吧

Don't your intestines are falling

出去了，所以没关系。

out, so it's okay.

他们真的在大量出血。

They're literally bleeding out here.

是的。

Yeah.

你会有点儿

You're gonna be a little

感觉有点晕。

Feeling a little woozy.

感觉晕晕的。

Feeling a woozy.

好吧。

Alright.

我现在是怪异派别的正式成员了。

I am now a card carrying member of the weird party.

我也是，很明显。

Same, clearly.

谢谢各位女士带来的所有

Thank you ladies for all

你们提供的娱乐。

the entertainment you provide.

不客气。

You're welcome.

谢谢。

Thank you.

我知道每天面对死亡和谋杀并不容易，但你们为许多人的家庭带来了巨大的欢乐。

I know it's not easy having to deal with death and murder every day, but you bring a shit ton of joy into many people's homes.

我相信当我说我们感激你们所做的一切时，我也代表了所有人的心声。

And I'm sure I speak for everyone when we say we appreciate everything you do.

希望你们拥有一个精彩绝伦的一天，继续保持怪异，但别像你爸那么怪——他就在夏天，你正享受着冰淇淋和凉爽的空调时，突然被新泽西恶魔拖到了车底下。

Hope you have a fantabulous day and keep it weird, but not as weird as your dad who literally scared you in the middle of the summer when you were just trying to enjoy the ice cream and the fucking cold AC weather and he got dragged under the car by the Jersey Devil.

但说实话，这其实就是他跟孩子们开的玩笑，我们对此着迷不已。

But really, was just him playing a prank on his children, which we are obsessed with.

就保持这么奇怪吧，我觉得。

Keep it that weird, I think.

有这么奇怪吗？

It that weird.

这太疯狂了，我超爱你们的父母。

That was wild and I'm obsessed with your parents.

这太好笑了。

That was so funny.

我们来看看这个。

Let's see this one.

听众A听众故事特辑：图帕达。

Listener A Listener Tales special Tupada.

图帕达，你那个梦拯救了我男朋友未来的妻子？

Tupada, you The night a dream saved my boyfriend's future future wife?

什么？

What?

我最好的朋友吗？

My best friend maybe?

BF。

BF.

是的。

Yeah.

最好的朋友。

Best friend.

BF。

BF.

就像你男朋友一样。

Was like your boyfriend.

除非你是你姐妹妻子。

Unless you're your sister wife.

除非是你。

Unless it's you.

卡斯珀和朋友们前往新泽西海岸。

And Casper and friends head to the Jersey Shore.

着迷了。

Obsessed.

又去新泽西了。

Jersey again.

问候各位奇特而美好的女士们。

Greetings, weirdly wonderful ladies.

我叫丹尼斯。

My name is Dennis.

是的。

Yes.

以那个麻烦人物命名的。

Named after the menace.

我喜欢这个。

I love that.

你当然可以使用我的名字和我妻子的名字，她会拉出最大的阴茎

And you can certainly use my name and my wife's name who will shit the largest phallus

如果她真在乎的话。

if she ever cares.

不是最大的阴茎。

Not the largest phallus.

我有时候就是这样。

I do be like that sometimes.

我也是。

Me too.

不是一个人，尼古拉斯。

Not alone, Nicholas.

我有点困惑。

I'm confused.

尼古拉斯，你不做图表吗？

Nicholas, you don't chart?

尼古拉斯，我们明白了。

Nicholas, we get it.

我在大喊。

I'm screaming.

我支持你。

I'm with you.

哦，该死。

Oh, shit.

我有两件奇怪的故事要和你分享，提前道歉，可能说得太多、太啰嗦了。

I have two strange tales to share with you and I apologize in advance for oversharing and perhaps being long winded.

别那样做。

Don't do that.

不知道。

Don't know.

哦，你喜欢我的香水吗？

Oh, do you like my perfume?

该死。

Shit.

你就像我一样。

You're like mine.

他总是跟你说话。

He always talks to you.

他需要喜欢我。

He needs to like me.

我也需要被喜欢。

I need to be liked too.

你就是，你喜欢我的香水。

You're like, you like my perfume.

我的香水。

My perfume.