Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change — Do This Instead

欢迎来到Motherkind。

Welcome to Motherkind.

我是佐伊。

It is me, Zoe.

这档节目是为那些身为母亲却依然保有自我的女性准备的。

This is the show for you, the woman behind the mother.

今天是星期一，所以我们和你分享一个属于星期一的时刻。

It is a Monday, which mean we are sharing a Monday moment with you.

今早这点灵感来自了不起的凯特·西姆斯，主题是心理负担。

This little shot of inspiration this morning comes from the incredible Cat Sims, and it is all about the mental load.

她如何从濒临离婚的边缘，转变了沟通方式，彻底改变了这一切。

How she went from the brink of divorce and the communication style that she changed everything.

一起来听听。

Here it is.

我已经思考和谈论心理负担好几年了，你觉得目前最大的挑战是什么？大家普遍在为哪些问题困扰？

Thinking and talking about the mental load for a good couple of years now, what are the biggest challenges that you see with it and that you hear we're all grappling with?

我觉得

I think

最大的问题在于，根据我的经历，我总是特别关注吉米做错了什么，或者他根本没做什么。

the biggest problem is that and this is what I learnt from my experience is that I was always focused very much on what Jimmy was doing wrong or what he wasn't doing at all.

尽管这些情绪确实很真实，那些不满也确实存在，但我处理得并不对。

And as much as those feelings were really valid, like that was true, those resentments were real, I wasn't handling it properly.

我还没找到解决的办法。

I hadn't figured out how to solve it.

我只是在等他改变。

I was just waiting for him to change.

而实际上，我意识到我无法改变任何人。

And actually what I realized is that I can't change anybody else.

我可以清楚地表达我的愿望和需求，但唯一能改变的，只有我自己。

I can make my wants and needs clear, but the only person, only thing I can change is myself.

所以我开始想，我该怎么调整自己的行为，来打破这种充满负面情绪的模式，让情况变得好一点？

And so I started to think, how can I change my behavior in this pretty toxic dynamic to try and make it better?

在康复过程中，我学到一句话：你是想对，还是想开心？

And one of the things that I learned in recovery actually was a phrase that said, do I wanna be right or happy?

当然，谁都想两样都有。

Obviously, I'd like to be both.

但现实是，这两者往往不能兼得。

Apparently that's not always possible.

于是我心想，算了，我还是想开心吧。

And so I thought, you know what, I wanna be happy.

所以我下定决心，要做几件事。

So I made a decision to do a few things.

首先，我决定好好沟通。

Firstly, I made a decision to start communicating properly.

我觉得很多女性总是纠结于丈夫让她们感受到的那些负面情绪，满心愤怒和怨气。

Like I think a lot of women are focused on all of the things that their husband has made them feel and like they're angry and they're resentful.

但我问自己：我为什么这么生气、这么怨恨？

But I was like, why am I angry and resentful?

因为他好像根本不知道我想要什么，也不去行动。

Because he doesn't seem to know what I want and he's not doing it.

结果发现，心灵感应根本没法当沟通方式。

Turns out telepathy is not a viable form of communication.

还有，这根本不能证明他爱不爱你。

And the other thing is it's not a proof of love.

你有没有听过那种说法：如果他真爱你，他就该懂。

You know when people are like, if he loved me, he'd know.

不对，他就是不知道，这很正常。

No, it's bollocks, he doesn't know.

这样要求他，太不公平了。

That's not fair.

这要求根本不合理。

It's such an unreasonable expectation.

这全是好莱坞卖给我们的浪漫喜剧套路，纯属胡扯。

It's all part of this rom com nonsense that we've been sold by Hollywood, nonsense.

所以我决定，以后得清楚地说出我想要什么、需要什么，还有这些事让我有什么感受。

So I was like, okay, so I'll have to start actually being clear about what I want and need but also how it makes me feel.

我们的治疗师给了我们一个特别好的说法，她说：只要你感到一点点不满，哪怕再小，就直接说‘我觉得我没被放在心上’。

And our therapist gave us this great phrase, she just said, whenever you feel a bit of a resentment, even the smallest resentment, just say, I don't feel very kept in mind.

这个说法真是一针见血，既不指责对方，也不是‘你又做错了什么’，而是‘我觉得我没被放在心上’，我们一听就懂了。

And it was such a cracking term because it wasn't accusatory, it wasn't you've done this, it was I don't feel very kept in mind and we knew exactly what that meant.

于是我开始调整自己的沟通方式，后来才明白，我其实也和泰勒·斯威夫特唱的一样——问题出在我自己身上。

So I had to change my communication and I realized that I was also in the words of Taylor Swift, part of the problem.

问题就是我。

I'm the problem, it's me.

我也没那么完美。

I wasn't perfect.

就算他叠被子叠得差、投篮老不准、连孩子穿多大码的鞋都不知道，这些确实烦人，但我也一样不好相处，总要求事事完美。

Like as annoying as his bed making skills were or his aiming was or his lack of knowledge about what, you know, shoes are, what size shoes our kids wore, I was pretty hard to live with as well that constant requirement for perfection.

吉米走了，被子我叠好了。

Like Jimmy's out, I've made the bed.

我就想，你确实没怎么做到，对吧？

I'm like, well, you haven't really have you?

你做的根本不像我那样整齐。

Like you've not made it like I make it.

他说，是啊，但我只是想弄个酒店那样的效果，所以我得接受一个事实——做完了就行。

He's like, yeah, but I'm just because I made like a hotel and so I had to get on board with the fact that actually done is done.

你知道，这并不是什么大不了的事，他这么做，其实不是为了气我。

You know, it's not the end of the world and it a way of him going, I'm gonna make this bed in a really crappy way just to piss her off.

他其实是想叠被子，因为他知道这是一件好事，能让我开心。

It wasn't that, it was him going, I'm gonna make the bed because I know that that's a good thing to do, that will make her happy.

所以这是选择去看到事情中积极的一面，同时也意识到，男人通常并不这么做。

So it's choosing to see the goodness in something and also recognizing that men aren't doing this.

我觉得大多数男人根本不会做，虽然也有少数会。

I don't think men are doing it, some of them might be.

但如果你嫁了个好男人，却还是觉得，我爱你，但我真的受不了跟你住在一起。

But generally if you've married a good man and you're like, I love you but I also hate everything about living with you.

他很可能根本没意识到，不是因为他笨，而是因为从女性出生那天起，就被培养成要理解并承担这份心理负担，因为我们从小就看着妈妈这么做。

Chances are, he's just not aware, not because he's stupid but because women have been since the moment they splashed down earth side, they have been groomed to understand the mental load and to take it on because we saw our moms do it.

再看看爸爸们在做什么，我们这一代的父母，普遍严格遵循传统的性别角色。

And they looked at what their dads were doing and our generation had a very, you know, our parents generation were very strictly more or less generally down those traditional gender roles.

这一代人不可能做到完美，但我相信我们是打破循环的一代。

So we're not gonna get it perfect as this generation but I do think that we're cycle breakers.

如果我们能给彼此、给深爱的伴侣多一点包容，承认确实有点尴尬——他们不懂这些，但不如我们一起列个清单，好好支持他们，清晰沟通，希望将来我们的孩子不用再列这种清单。

And I think that if we give each other, if we give our partner who we love a little bit of grace and recognize that, yeah, it's a bit embarrassing that they don't know how to do this but actually let's make a list, let's support them, let's communicate clearly so that hopefully our kids don't have to make a list.

差不多就是这样。

That's kind of, yeah.

所以，我想你问题的答案是，我得改变自己对问题根源的看法。

So I suppose the answer to your question is I had to change my perspective of where the problem was.

你在书的开篇描述了一个特别生动的场景。

And you describe in the opening of the book, just this amazing scene.

哦，没错。

Oh yeah.

在你明白这些之前，你坐下来对吉米说：我要离婚。

Before you'd learn all this and you sit Jimmy down and you say, I want a divorce.

他说了句：

Well, said,

我就说：我们要分开了。

I went, I said, what I said was, so we're gonna separate.

他反应是：什么？你说什么？

And he was like, I'm sorry, what?

那时候我已经连续几周都觉得，这几乎是唯一的选择了。

And I had been like, if for weeks going, this is the only possible option.

我真的太痛苦了。

Like I am miserable.

每次他一进房间，我就想砸了这地方，真想一拳打在他脸上。

Every time he walks in a room, wanna stamp it, I wanna punch him in the face.

什么都让我烦，我只想让他从我的生活里消失。

Like everything annoys me, gave me the I was like, just get out of my life.

所以当我跟他说，我们要分开了？

And so when I was like, so we're gonna separate?

我当时真觉得，是啊，这大概真是最好的选择了。

I genuinely thought it like, yeah, I think it's probably probably the right thing.

他却说，什么？你说什么？

And he went, I'm sorry, what?

他完全没料到会这样。

And he was completely blindsided.

那一刻我就意识到，问题真的很大——我这么难受，他却一点感觉都没有。

And in that moment I was like, okay, something's really wrong that I feel a certain way and he is completely unaware of that.

我得承认，我们之间肯定存在沟通上的大问题。

Like I have to accept at some point there's a communication issue here.

于是我们经历了那场糟糕的对话，但意外的是，它反而让我们能坐下来，好好说一次不吵架、不吼叫、不摔门的真心话。

And so we went through that horrible conversation, which inadvertently, I suppose opened up space for us to have a really honest conversation that wasn't fighting and screaming and door slamming.

说实话，那次低谷反而帮我们重新找回了彼此，他当时说，你能答应我，再试一次婚姻咨询吗？

And it really, I suppose that bottom really helped us get back out and he was like, I just want to do, can you promise me you'll do couples therapy one more time?

我当时就想，唉，我真不想去。

And I was like, oh, I don't want to.

我心里其实已经放弃了，彻底放弃了。

Like I was done in my head, I was done.

但我告诉自己，不管结果怎样，至少我以后能看着孩子说：我们已经尽力了。

But I thought to myself, you know what, if whatever happens, I wanna be able to look at my kids and go, we did everything we could.

所以我想，如果我不愿意再去接受婚姻咨询，那责任在我。

And so I thought if I refuse to go back to couples therapy, that's on me.

于是我们又回去了，我想可能是因为我们穷到谷底，反而得到了一种绝望的礼物，第一次真正听进了对方的话，我也开始意识到，也许我并没有自己想的那么完美。

So we went back and I think that because we were so broke, we'd like reached that gift, we'd got the gift of desperation and I think that we were able to sort of hear each other for the first time and I was able to accept that perhaps I wasn't as perfect as I thought I was.

真该死。

Damn it.

这事儿真让人烦透了。

And it was so annoying.

直到现在，我依然很难理解，每次要道歉，都得给自己打足勇气。

Still difficult for me to understand, honestly, have to like gird my loins to apologize.

你经常被问到的一个问题是，怎么让你丈夫去接受心理咨询？

And a question you get asked a lot is how do I get my husband to go to therapy?

说实话，我真的很幸运。

I mean, I was really lucky.

我丈夫一直很支持心理咨询，是他主动说，要不咱们再试一次吧。

My husband was always very into therapy and he was the one that was like, let's just do it one more time.

归根结底，你没法强迫任何人做任何事。

You know, you can't make anybody do anything at the end of the day.

我的建议是，你可以跟他说：我想将来能对孩子说，我们都尽力了。

But what I would say is, you know, like, you know, say to him, I wanna be able to say to our kids, we both did everything we could.

不然的话，你打算怎么跟他们解释？

You know, otherwise what, you know, what we're gonna tell them.

还有一点，如果你没法让伴侣去咨询，那就自己去。

But the other thing is if you can't get your partner to go to therapy, go to therapy yourself.

自己先去做，因为我相信的是吸引力，而不是强求。

Like do it yourself because I really believe in attraction, not promotion.

如果你去接受治疗，你的伴侣看到你变得不一样了，开始承担责任什么的，只要他是个好人，自然会被你这种改变吸引。

And if you go to therapy and your partner starts seeing you behave differently, start seeing you take responsibility or whatever it is, then that he will be, if he's a good human, he'll be attracted to that.

我觉得，慢慢地，你可能会发现他开始转变，但这真不容易。

You know, and I think that slowly but surely you might find him come around, but it isn't easy.

归根结底，你只能告诉他你的需求和期望，如果他不愿意做，那也只能由他去承担后果。

And at the end of the day, you just have to accept that you can only tell him what you want and need and if he doesn't do it, you know, that's on him.

但说实话，这真是我们做过最正确的事。

But it's it was the best thing that we ever did.