永远别再回头！

我无比兴奋能讨论今天的话题，因为这与我的原则清单有关。什么是我的原则清单？听着，我这辈子从未解封过任何人。我从未与发誓永不再交谈的人说过话。我从未重新联系那些我刻意断绝关系或主动离开的人。

I am so excited to talk about today's topic because of my sheet. And what is my rep sheet? Listen, I have never ever unblocked a person in my entire life. I have never spoken to someone I swore to never speak to again. I have never ever reconnected with somebody I intentionally cut off or walked away from ever.

我说这些不是为了炫耀，不是为了让你难受或显得自己高人一等。而是为了提供背景，让你清楚了解今天我要分享的观点源自何处。我们许多人在断联或放手时挣扎，是因为没意识到准备工作早在陷入这种境况前就开始了。

And I'm not saying this to brag. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or to make myself feel superior. I'm saying this to give you context so that you know exactly where and from whom these ideas I'll be talking about today are coming. Okay. The reason so many of us struggle with no contact or with letting go is because we don't realize that the work, the setup starts long before we find ourselves in the situation.

这始于意图、信念和清醒认知。这期内容可能会引发不适。是的，可能会让你感到不舒服。你也不必认同我的观点。

It begins with intention, with creed, with clarity. This episode might be triggering. Yeah. So it might be uncomfortable. And you don't have to agree with me.

说实话，每次在这个频道做视频时，看到有人来争论我都觉得好笑。你不需要同意我的看法。我只是个在网上发表观点的普通女性。我只希望你能用心和清醒的头脑聆听，而不是只用耳朵、带着伤痕或成见来听。

Honestly, every time I make videos on this channel, I find it funny when people come to argue with me. You don't have to agree with me. I'm just a random woman on the internet saying things. Okay? All I hope you do is that you listen with your heart and an alert mind, not just with your ears or with your wounds or with your preconceptions.

我认为关于人际关系最有害的迷思之一，就是被告知任何关系都应该永恒持久，或至少维持很长时间。别误会，渴望永恒完全合理，有些关系确实如此。但问题在于，多数人带着固定思维进入关系——我们早已为对方预设了长期角色，提前将他们写进了未来剧本。

I believe one of the most harmful illusions we've been told about relationships, any kind of connection is that they are supposed to last forever or at least for a long time. Now don't quote me wrong, it's absolutely okay to want them to last forever and some of them do. But the issue is that most of us walk into relationships with a fixed mindset. We've already assigned the person a long term role in our lives. We've already cast them in our future.

我们甚至没有意识到自己在这样做。这意味着我们开始将自己的梦想和欲望投射到一个具体可识别的人身上。因此，当这段关系因任何原因结束或中断时，我们无法应对。我们无法放手。为什么？

We don't even realize we are doing it. What that means is that we start projecting our dreams and desires onto a specific identifiable person. So when the relationship ends or is cut short for whatever reason, we can't cope. We can't let go. Why?

因为我们不仅在哀悼失去的联系，我们还在为未来自我版本的死亡而痛苦。一个现在感觉不可能的梦想。但在我看来，我非常非常谦卑地认为，你的梦想永远不应该依附于特定的人。这个星球上有数十亿人。唯一应该与你的梦想直接相连的名字和面孔，是你自己的。

Because we are not just mourning the loss of the connection, we are agonizing over the death of a future version of ourselves. A dream that now feels impossible. But in my opinion, my very very humble opinion, your dreams should never be attached to specific people. There are billions of people on this planet. The only name and face that should be directly connected to your dreams is your own.

其他一切，其他所有人都应该与价值观、信条、行为相匹配，这些要与你想过的生活一致。比如说，你想要传统的浪漫关系或家庭，某个地方的白篱笆。这完全没问题。这是一个有效的梦想。但如果你现在与之共同构建某种生活的人变得不利于这个梦想的成长，那么他们必须离开。

Everything else, everyone else should align with values, with creed, with behaviors that match the life you want to live. Say for example you want to hold traditional nine yards, you know, a romantic relationship or a family, a white picket fence somewhere. That's perfectly fine. It's a valid dream, you know. But if the person you're building some sort of life with currently becomes non conducive to the growth of that dream, then they have to go.

他们本身可能不是坏人，但那不是你想要的。他们不再符合你对生活的愿景。你必须为其他80亿人中可能适合的人腾出空间。是的，这会很痛苦。你可以哭泣。

They might not be a bad person per se, but that's not where you want to be. They no longer fit the vision you have for your life. You have to make space for one of the other 8,000,000,000 people who just might. And yes, it will hurt. You are allowed to cry.

你可以感受一切，但你永远不应该感觉自己消失了。你的梦想没有死，你也没有死。这正是为什么我永远不会相信那些告诉你把自己交给另一个人的宣传。我把自己完全、彻底地交给你，尤其是对女性。我们被社会化为相信这是高尚的，是正常的，但不，我相信要坚守自我。

You are allowed to feel everything, but you should never feel like you've disappeared. Your dream didn't die, you didn't die. This is exactly why I would never fall for the propaganda that tells you to give yourself to another person. I give myself to you wholly, completely, especially for women. We are socialized to believe that it's noble, that it's normal, but no, I believe in holding onto myself.

我让他人体验我的存在。我让他们感受我。我允许他们与我共享空间，但绝不交出自我。我只属于我自己。我们太多人在关系中过度牺牲自我。

I let other people experience me. I let them feel me. I let them share space with me, but I do not give my self away. I belong to no one but myself. Too many of us are out here sacrificing ourselves in relationships.

然后当关系结束时，我们困惑为何感觉自己消失了。那是因为我们确实消失了。你不断消融自我，任由他人带走你的本质。那么解药是什么？

And then we wonder why when they end, we feel like we've vanished. It's because we did. You keep disappearing. You keep letting someone who isn't you walk away with your essence in tow. So what is the remedy?

第一，视人为经历而非占有物。每个人只属于自己。能与他人共享空间建立联结是种平凡的殊荣。我们都值得拥有社群，但无权强求。这让我总是发笑并深感悲哀——

Number one, see people as experiences, not possessions. People only belong to themselves. It is a privilege, mundane, yes, but nonetheless, it is a massive privilege to share space and connection with another person. We are all deserving of community, but we are not entitled to it. This is why I will always laugh at and honestly feel intense pity.

一种怪异的悲悯，对那些把他人付出视为理所当然的人。任何关系，无论是维持一周、一月还是十年，只要它在存续期间给予生命滋养与安全感，所有参与者就都是在共享鲜活的恩赐，而非既定配额或必然保障。以我生命中最重要的关系举例——

Sadness, weird sadness for people who take other people for granted. If you have any kind of relationship with another person, whether it's for a week, a month, ten years, and it's life giving and safe while it lasts, then all the parties involved are participating in a living breathing blessing, not an entitled lot, not a guarantee. Let me give you an example using one of the most important relationships in my life. I have known my best friend since twenty eleven. Okay?

我与挚友相识于2011年。尽管她仿佛是我身体的一部分，像我的肢体般亲密，我们从不假定会永远存在于彼此生命。我们期望如此，但清醒知道无法掌控时间、现实或可能影响关系的未知变量。我们坦然讨论未来可能分离的情形。

And even though she literally feels like a physical part of me, she feels like a limb. We don't assume we'll be in each other's lives forever. We would like to be, I hope we are, but we are not under the illusion that we can control time, reality or the unknown variables that might touch our relationships. We are not deluded into thinking that it's utterly impossible for something to happen at some point in our future that could separate us. We talk about this sometimes.

我们探讨若真发生该如何应对。因此我们怎么做？在联结中做出有意选择，尽可能延长彼此的生命交集。专注于当下季节的维系力量，以日为单位、以季为周期、以价值为尺度经营友谊。

We talk about what we are going to do if that ever happens. So what do we do? We try to make choices, intentional ones in our connection that will maybe keep us in each other's lives for as long as possible. We focus on what sustains us in the season we are in. We take our friendship day by day, season by season, value by value.

我们保持沟通共同成长。我们深切期盼能拥有下一年光阴，当那年到来时，再为下一年努力。这就是我们的相爱方式。当你带着关系可能终结的觉知进入关系——非因恐惧，而是尊重生命循环——你才能真正敬畏每段联结的意义、生命周期与本质。

We check-in and we grow together. And we hope, deeply hope that we get another year. And when that year comes, we work towards another. That's how we love. When you enter relationships with the awareness that they could end, not from fear or anxiety, but out of respect for the circle of life, you become someone who can truly honor the purpose, the life cycle and the reality of your connections.

你会始终保持待人处事的清醒。这如同婚姻与离婚。作为尼日利亚人，我成长的文化视离婚为禁忌。但我从中领悟：最健康的关系是参与者不必被迫停留。

You remain conscious in how you treat people. I think of it like marriage and divorce. I'm Nigerian, so I was raised in a culture where divorce wasn't and shouldn't be an option. But you know what I learned from that, yeah? I learned that the healthiest relationships are the ones where people don't have to stay.

他们可以因意愿选择留下，而非被羞耻、期待或责任捆绑。我个人不向往婚姻，但若某天选择结婚，我会带着婚前协议和清醒认知进入——离婚始终是选项。它是首选吗？或许不是。但某些情况下它会是唯一选择。

They can stay if they want to, if they choose to, but they aren't bound by shame, expectation or duty to do so. I don't personally aspire to marriage, but if for any reason I ever choose to marry, yeah, I'd be entering that marriage with a prenup and a complimentary awareness that divorce is an option. Is it the first option? Probably not. But there are certain things that might make it the only option.

这与我对伴侣的感情无关。为什么？因为我有不可妥协的底线。这是你面对放手季节时需要的心态。问问自己：你的理由是什么？

And that is regardless of how I feel about the person. Why? Because I have non negotiables. This is the mindset you need if you want to honor the season of letting go. Ask yourself, what is your reason?

你为什么要断联？这段关系为何结束？人们不会无缘无故结束关系，总有原因。我见过太多人用断联、沉默、拉黑、疏远等手段来惩罚伴侣，以此操纵对方、博取关注或强迫改变，这让我震惊不已。

Why are you going no contact? Why is the relationship ending? People don't just end relationships, there's a reason it's ending. The number of people I've seen use no contact, use silence, blocking people, separation, and all the other things that people tend to do as a way to punish somebody in a relationship, as a way to manipulate, to get attention, or to force a change. It's astonishing to me.

难以置信有人会说'哦，我两周不联系他们'，而后又疑惑为何无法建立真正的边界。诚实面对自己吧——若每次不快就拉黑、断交或冷暴力，直到对方哀求、妥协或表白，亲爱的，听好了...

I can't believe it when people are like, oh yeah, I'm not talking to them for two weeks. And then you wonder why you can't uphold real boundaries when you actually need to implement them. Be honest with yourself. If every time you're upset with a person, you block them or you cut them off or you give them the silent treatment until they come and beg or they do what you wanted or they cry and tell you how much they like you. Listen, my darling.

这不是设立边界，这是情感幼稚。简直是虐待，是不稳定行径。真正在乎的人不该受到惩罚。

That's not setting boundaries. That's emotional immaturity. Hell it's abuse. It's instability okay. You don't punish people you care about.

你需要沟通。可以明确要求带具体时限的冷静期，而不是让对方误以为你遭遇不测。拉黑和玩弄感情把戏就是精神虐待。

You communicate. You can ask for space to sink. Clearly identified space with dates and time included. The other person on the other side should not be confused wondering if you died. Blocking people and playing games, petty games is emotional abuse.

所以你觉得放手很难，因为真正的告别过程被你游戏化了。若你以此为开端，就会形成恶性循环。你在教会自己轻视边界。我拉黑后从不解封，因为我从不会儿戏般拉黑人。

I am sorry. So of course letting go is hard for you because the actions that are usually needed in the real process of doing so have been gamified by you. If that's how you begin, that's the pattern you will keep. You are teaching yourself to take boundaries lightly. The reason I have never unblocked a person whom I have blocked is because I don't just block people for the fun of it.

被我拉黑只有两种可能：要么是骚扰账号，要么我认定你威胁我生命安全。老观众知道，我说的威胁不单指物理伤害——像Jasmeeva揭露的那样——但凡我发现任何恶意企图，试图玷污我的光芒，纠缠不休，用任何方式虐待或操纵我（有时我们几周后才察觉），从发现那一刻起，无论你是否故意，我不在乎动机。

For me to block you, you are either spam or I genuinely consider you a threat to my life. And if you've been on this channel long enough, you know that for me, people who are threats to me aren't just people who can physically harm me. If I cloak any malicious, you know how Jasmeeva was clocking things. If I cloak any malicious intent toward me, if you try to mark my light, if you nag me, if you try to abuse or manipulate me in any way and I find out, because sometimes you know we don't be knowing at least for a few weeks, the minute I find out, whether it's by mistake or by error, you did not know when you did it. I don't care why you did it.

去和你的心理医生解释吧。若你不信心理咨询，就向你的神明忏悔。我会收回所有接触权限，全网拉黑，删除号码，抹去一切痕迹。路上遇见也形同陌路。

Take that up with your therapist. If you don't believe in a therapist, don't know it or whatever gods you serve. I will revoke access to me. I will block you everywhere, delete your number, delete everything. If I see you on the road, I will walk past you.

没错，我就是这么极端。是的，极端到会装作素未谋面。

Yes. I am that extreme. Yeah. I am that extreme. I will act like I've never met you.

若有人问'你认识那人吗'，我会说'从未见过'。知道为什么吗？因为我清醒认知自己无法免疫虐待的伤害。

If someone said, do you know that? I'll say I don't me? I've not seen that person in my entire life. You know why? Because I am not under any illusion or delusion that I am immune to the effects of abuse.

总有人自以为能豁免恶果。但我深知自己不过是和你一样的凡人，正因如此才要全力以赴。

Some people come out here in these streets and act like they, you know, they are immune to sins. I am not immune. I know that I am not immune. I am a human being just like you. That's why I do my best.

无论你如何自我提升、多么聪慧、多么自爱、多么清醒，亲爱的，若你身处的环境里人们一心要摧毁你，你终将被摧毁。我不允许圣人以慢性方式杀死我，这就是为何我如此极端且骄傲。我极其严格。在捍卫边界时，我像推土机般坚决。顺便说，对方甚至不必是坏人或出于恶意。

No matter how much you work on yourself, how smart you are, how much you love yourself, how much you see yourself, if you stay in a situation where the people around you are bent on destroying you, my darling, you will be destroyed. I do not allow saints to kill me slowly, that is why I am extreme proudly. I am very strict. I am a bulldozer when it comes to my boundaries. And by the way, it doesn't even have to be a bad person or a bad reason.

对方不一定是邪恶或施虐者。比如我知道与某人保持联系会让我离理想生活越来越远，离内心渴望越来越远——这对我就是生命威胁。重申下，或许显得极端，但我对待自己和边界就是如此认真。现在明白为何我能坚守这些边界了吗？懂我开头提到个人原则声明的用意了吗？

The person doesn't have to be evil or abusive. Like if I know that staying in touch with somebody pulls me farther and farther away from the life I envisioned for myself, from the life that I deeply desire, For me, that is a threat to my life. Again, this might seem extreme, but I take myself and my boundaries that seriously. Now, do you see why I am able to maintain those boundaries? Do you see why I made the statement about my rep sheet at the beginning?

并非要你效仿我。但你必须为断联和放手赋予深刻理由。永远别将其作为惩罚工具。为何要惩罚所爱之人？你不会因周二生气就离婚，周日心情好了又复婚。

I'm not telling you to be like me. But you have to assign a deep reason to no contact, to letting go. Never ever use it as a tool for punishment. Why are you people punishing people you love? You wouldn't divorce somebody on Tuesday just because you were angry and then marry them again on Sunday because you feel better.

你清楚这是选项，但除非触及不可妥协的底线，否则它应是万不得已的最后手段。提升沟通技巧吧，拜托。有太多方法能争取时间冷静思考。总要在冲突发生前就备好应对方案。

You know it's an option, yes, but it should probably be the last resort in all situations except when a non negotiable has been crossed. Work on your communication skills, bi konu. Please. There are so many other ways to buy yourself time to calm down, to think things through. Always have a fight planned before the fight happens.

就像登机时观看安全须知，难道飞机会坠毁吗？不，这只是让你保持准备。制定不利用抛弃手段的关系破裂与修复蓝图。另外，若关系对双方有益，恕我直言，根本无需断联。冲突会有，人人都有冲突。

Think of it like getting on a plane, they show you what to do in the case of an emergency, does that mean the plane is going to crash? No, it just keeps you ready. Create a blueprint for rupture, for repair that doesn't leverage abandonment. Also, if the relationship was conducive for the parties involved, you won't have to go no contact, no offense. You will have conflict, yes, everyone has conflict.

但你们仍会存在于彼此生命中。将是你们共同解决问题，而非彼此对抗。这也是我不相信短期关系暂停的原因。真正成长需要时间。若某人行为让你痛苦到只想逃离，却自我说服成『一个月冷静期让他们醒悟』——

But you will still be in each other's lives. It will be you and them against the problem, not against each other. This is also why I do not believe in taking short relationship breaks. Real growth takes time. So if somebody's current behavior is hurting you so much that your only instinct is to walk away, but then you've rationalized it into a temporary one month break just so that they can get themselves together and they can see what I'm trying to say.

听着，新习惯平均需66天才能自动化。关键词是平均，懂吗？可能更久。且对方必须每天主动刻意坚持改变才会见效。这在我看来像最后通牒。

Listen, it takes an average of sixty six days for a new habit to become automatic. The keyword there is average, okay? That means it could take longer. And the person has to be actively, intentionally, daily committed to that change for it to even begin working. That feels like an ultimatum to me.

人们需要成长时间。需要犯错时间，需要跌撞前行的过程。他们甚至需要时间确认是否还想留在这条轨道上。现实中谁能真正自律不间断地完成66天蜕变，只为取悦他人？

People need time to grow. They need time to fumble, to stumble while doing it. And they need time to figure out how to get back on track to even know if they want to be on the track. Okay? And who out here is doing a truly disciplined, uninterrupted sixty six day transformation journey just to appease another person?

我个人不期待任何人这样做。坦白说，66天更接近三个月而非一个月。你确定只要一个月暂停期？这是我的观点，仅供参考。

I personally don't expect that from anybody. And let's be honest, sixty six days is a lot closer to three months than it is to one. So are you sure you want a one month break? This is my take. Do what you will with it.

但若我必须长期离开某人——珍珠，对我而言这意味着我们缘份已尽。我必须放手，因为他们本就不属于我。另外，我有两个学位，都与教育无关。教导人生道理不是我的职责。

But if I have to walk away from somebody for an extended period of time to me, again, Pearl, to me, that means the time allocated for our experience is up. I have to let go because they do not belong to me. Also, I have two degrees. None of them are teaching. It's not my job to teach anybody life lessons.

他们可以像我一样从生活中学习。我们曾拥有属于彼此的时光，分享过真实的情感，但现在该放手让他们回归世界去经历其他事情了。我不断思考的问题是：这仍是我想持续体验的关系吗？容我直言，我是个信奉者——我不相信勉强维系的关系。正因如此，我对每段感情都极其认真。

They can learn from life just like I have learned from life. We had our moment, we shared something real, but now it's time to release them back into the world to have other experiences. The question I always come back to is this, is this an experience I still want to keep having? And if I haven't made it clear, I am a believer, I don't believe in enduring relationships. That's exactly why I take all of mine so seriously.

没错。因为当我开始认真考虑离开某人或结束一段关系时，这个念头本身就是足够的理由。我不需要更戏剧化的借口，不需要背叛或激烈冲突来佐证。我根本不信那些打架争吵后因相爱又复合的童话故事。

Yeah. Because if I ever find myself deeply considering leaving somebody or walking away from something I share with a person, that is all the confirmation for me. I don't need a bigger reason. I don't need drama or betrayal or some explosive moment to justify it. I do not believe in fairy tales where people fight and brawl and crawl and then come back because they love each other.

你知道那种电影桥段吗？经历所有狗血剧情，尖叫崩溃假死又复活，最后突然相爱？呕。对我来说，犹豫就是信号，而我听从这些信号。我的直觉从未辜负过我。事实上，每次陷入困境都是因为没听从内心。

Do you know the movies where you do all the drama and then you scream and then you die and then you wake up and then you love? Ew. The search for me is a signal and I listen to my signals. My gosh has never failed me. In fact, every time I've struggled is because I didn't listen.

所以如果你来找我寻求感情建议，请做好离开的准备。否则别问我。特别是涉及是否该留在令人困惑、沉重或错位的关系中时——我的答案永远都是：离开。我绝不会劝你忍耐、努力修复、改变自我来维持表面和平。

So if you ever come to me for relationship advice, be ready to leave. If not, don't ask me. Especially when it involves anything about staying in situations that feel confusing or heavy or misaligned. My answer will always be the same, leave. I will never be the person who tells you to stay or to try harder or to fix it or to mold yourself into something you're not just to keep the peace.

若你还没明白，我再说清楚：我不相信为爱扭曲自我，不相信上蹿下跳证明爱情，不相信把猜疑游戏美化成神秘感，更不相信以忠诚之名囚禁彼此。绝不。

I don't believe in contorting if you haven't gotten the message yet. I don't believe in jumping up and down for love. I don't believe in playing games or pretending confusion is code for mystery mystery and unpeeled layers. And I definitely, definitely do not believe in holding on to people in the name of loyalty. No.

这是我永恒不变的观点。虽然我对许多事都持开放态度——只要你拿出足够推翻我认知的证据——但这是铁律。这就是我一贯的处世之道，二十年后你再来问，我依然会回答：如果某段关系让你失去内心平静、清醒认知或自我价值，离开。

This is an evergreen opinion of mine. I am open to changing my opinions, the way, on so many things. That's if you bring me factual evidence that trumps the ones that I hold, but this is an evergreen one. This is how I have always moved and I doubt anything could ever change my mind about it. Ask me in twenty years and I'll still say the same thing, if it costs you your peace, if it costs you your clarity, your sense of self, leave.

当然存在分手后复合更甜蜜的例子，当事人向全世界见证爱情，很美好不是吗？但那些都是特例。普遍规律不能建立在特例之上。绝不。

Yeah. Yes, there are people who break up, people who come back together stronger later and it's a testimony, and they tell the world, and it's so cute and so lovely. But those people are outliers. The rule cannot be based on them. No.

2022年吸引我的人，现在可能让我目不斜视。因为2022到2025年间变化太大了——说实话，两周前的我和现在的我都有差异。当你持续成长、拥抱蜕变时，三个月前放弃的关系很难再让你留恋。那么问题来了：我们该如何面对痛苦？

Some people I was attracted to in 2022, I wouldn't look at them twice now Because a lot has changed between 2022 and 2025. Honestly, between who I was two weeks ago and who I am now, a few things have changed. That's what happens when you are a person who is constantly learning, ever evolving, constantly open to the miracle of change. When you live that way, it's very hard to still want the same exact relationship you left behind three months ago. So now, what do we do with the pain?

如何应对失去关系的伤痛？首先预期它存在。然后把预期痛苦放大十倍——这就是最坏程度。你要准备好承受它。想象如果我们主动为悲伤愤怒预留空间、制定仪式，会有多少人不再逃回曾经伤害自己的关系中？

What do we do with the hurt that comes with losing relationships? You expect it. And then you multiply whatever it is you expect by 10, that's the worst it's going to be. And you need to be ready to allow it. Imagine what would happen if we actively made space, plans and rituals for sadness, for anger.

我的工作手册《悲伤篇章》记录了许多这类仪式。记住：他们的出现只是人生片段。你感受到的痛苦并非决策错误的信号，更不意味着应该回头。

There will be far fewer people running back to the very things that broke them, to the very situations that almost took them out. I have a chunk of these rituals in the grief chapter of my workbook. Remember, there was a before them and there will be an after them. The pain you feel is not a signal that you made a mistake. It doesn't mean you should go back.

这甚至不一定反映出他们对你的重要性。就像我之前说的，当关系结束时，我们许多人哀悼的不仅仅是关系本身。所以要弄清楚到底是什么让你心碎。也许你付出太多自我。也许是时间流逝的错觉。

It's not even necessarily a reflection of how much they meant to you. Like I said earlier, when relationships end, many of us are mourning more than just the relationship itself. So figure out exactly what it is that is tearing you apart. Maybe you gave too much of yourself. Maybe it's the perceived loss of time.

也许你对自己深感愤怒和失望。也许你感到被抛弃。所以问问自己，真的是因为那个人吗？我现在感受到的一切，真的都是因为那个人吗？全都与他们有关吗？

Maybe you're deeply angry and disappointed in yourself. Maybe you feel abandoned. So ask yourself, is it really the person? Everything I'm feeling right now, is it really the person? Is it all about them?

还是因为幻想？是因为害怕孤独吗？是因为我觉得失去了什么吗？是因为失去了你以为和他们在一起时的自己吗？你感到痛苦是因为你是人类。

Or is it the fantasy? Is it the fear of loneliness? Is it things that I feel like I've lost? Is it the loss of who you thought you were when you were with them? You feel pain because you are human.

我个人认为任何关系都不是浪费时间。总有教训在那里，只要愿意去看。你会不断重复某种模式，不断做同样的事，直到学会教训并应用它，才能最终超越它。如果你感到被抛弃，那只意味着一件事——你在那段关系中抛弃了自己。这对我们许多有被抛弃创伤的人来说都是如此。

I personally don't believe that any relationship is a waste of time. There's always a lesson there, that's if you're willing to see it. You will keep repeating a pattern, you will keep doing the same exact thing until you learn the lesson and then apply it so that you can finally move past it. And if you feel abandoned, it only means one thing, you abandoned yourself in that connection. This is the case for so many of us with abandonment wounds.

那种压倒性的痛苦、恐惧和羞耻感其实有个专业术语——遗弃混杂症。这可能是非常难堪的经历，但如果你知道会经历它，听着，你必须这样做：预期痛苦。如果你能预见它，就能挺过去。我们常常寻找逃避痛苦的方法，因为我们认为强烈意味着不祥，但并非如此。

There's actually a term for that overwhelming pain, that overwhelming fear and shame that we feel when that wound is triggered. It's called abandonment melange. This can be such a mortifying experience, but if you know to expect it, listen, this is what you have to do, expect pain. If you know to expect it, you can ride it out. So often we look for ways out of pain because we assume that the intensity means something sinister, but it's not.

现实是：完全健全的成年人不可能被抛弃。没人能抛弃一个成年人。他们可以离开，可以松开你的手，是的，你有权愤怒、失望、受伤，但这不算抛弃。你没有被遗弃。如果你觉得是，那说明还有功课要做。

The reality is this, fully able-bodied adults cannot be abandoned. Nobody can desert a grown up. They can walk away, they can let go of your hand, and yes, you are allowed to be angry, disappointed, hurt, but it's not abandonment. You are not stranded. And if you feel like you are, then there's work to be done there.

你的重点应是治愈那些被抛弃创伤，做内在小孩的疗愈工作。我有相关视频。如果能接受治疗，请与咨询师探讨。我之所以主张主动为悲伤创造空间和仪式，是因为：哀伤需要它需要的时间。你无法控制它，不能。

Your focus should be on healing those abandonment wounds, your inner child, inner child healing work. I have a video on that. If you have access to therapy, please bring it up with your therapist. The reason I believe in actively making space and creating rituals for sadness is this, grief takes however long it needs to take. You cannot control it, no.

但你能控制沉溺的时间。控制漫无目的的时间。比如，允许自己用两周时间沉溺，感到完全无助和失落，什么都不做。但两周后，决定开始采取积极步骤重掌生活。或许你可以把所有痛苦倾注到拖延的项目中。

But you can control how much of that time you spend wallowing. How much of that time you spend aimless. So for example, you may allow yourself two weeks to wallow, to feel completely helpless and bereft, to do absolutely nothing. But after those two weeks, you decide that you're going to start taking active steps towards reclaiming your own life. Okay, maybe you pour all that pain into that project you've been putting off.

也许借此机会反思在那段关系中对自己的认知。那些你可能也没做对的事。没人完美。如果你完美，我为你感到难过。说实话，我本想说你若完美是好事。

Maybe you use this opportunity to reflect on what you learned about yourself in that connection. The things you may not have done right either. None of us are perfect. If you're perfect, I feel bad for you. Honestly, I wanted to say if you're perfect, good for you.

但不，如果你完美，你其实在挣扎。明白吗？所以也要反思自己可能做错的事。然后制定前进计划。你还在悲伤吗？

But no, you you if you're perfect, you're struggling. Alright? So you reflect on what you may not have done right either. And then you come up with a plan for the way forward. Are you still grieving?

是的。你掌控自己的生活了吗？同样，是的。多件事情可以同时成立。你知道爱靠什么维系吗？

Yes. Have you taken control of your life? Also, yes. Multiple things can be true at the same time. Do you know what love runs on?

创造力能量。我不知道，我只是情绪上来了。我总是容易眼泛泪光。但爱是靠创造力能量维系的。所以当有人与你断开联系时，突然就有多余的能量在流动。

Creative energy. I don't know, I just got emotional. I don't know, I'm always I feel teary. But love runs on creative energy. So when somebody is cut off from you, there's suddenly this extra energy floating around.

你会如何运用它？你可以将其倾注回自身、投入友谊、其他关系，或许与父母的关系（如果你愿意的话）、你的梦想、你的工作。这段痛苦时期若善加利用，能为你创造奇迹。归根结底，一切都在于你自己。让我讲个故事。

What will you do with it? You can pour it back into yourself, into your friendship, into other relationships, maybe your relationship with your parents, you know, if you want to, into your dreams, into your work. This period of pain can do wonders for you if you utilize it well. Again, it's all about you at the end of the day. Let me tell you a story.

大约七年前，我计划经加拿大转机去墨西哥，却因签证问题无法登机。那一刻所有情绪涌来，我变得高度警觉，神经系统一团糟。那真是糟糕透顶的时刻，满脑子都是航班、住宿和所剩无几的钱。当然我得想办法解决。

About seven years ago, I was on my way to Mexico and I was supposed to transit through Canada and I had an issue with my visa so I couldn't get on the plane. In that moment, all these emotions rushed in and then my and then I was quite hyper vigilant and my nervous system was shit. So it was a terrible, terrible time for me. All I could think about was my flight, my accommodation and money that I barely had. I had to figure things out of course.

于是在希思罗机场找了个角落，我把行李箱平放地上坐了上去。这对我可是大事——我向来厌恶公共场所的地面，从不触碰。

So I found a corner in Heathrow and I put my suitcase on the flat on the ground and I sat on top of it. And for me, that is a big deal, huge deal. I do not fancy. I'm averse to public floors and grounds. I do not touch them.

我从不坐地上，也不把物品放地面。但那次我把行李箱平放，坐在上面。我拿出手机设了两小时倒计时。那两小时里我哭泣、恐慌、解离、僵住。但闹铃一响，我就擦干眼泪起身，找到长椅解决了问题。

I do not sit on them, but I do not put things on them. But I put my my suitcase flat on the ground, and I sat on top of it. And I picked up my phone and I set a two hour timer. And in those two hours, I cried, I panicked, I dissociated, I froze. But the minute my timer rang, I wiped my tears, stood up, found a bench and I figured that shit out.

第二天我成功飞往墨西哥。虽然中转三次，航班漫长难熬，但我做到了。这故事看似无关，却是我接纳悲伤而不被摧毁的方式。

Okay. The next day I was on my way to Mexico. I think I had to be like, I had to have like three layovers. It was a long uncomfortable flight, but I made it. It's an unrelated story, but that's how I welcome sadness without being destroyed by it.

因为那天我为自己所做的一切感到震撼。记得当时看着自己心想：珍珠，这很有趣——正是这个习惯的开端。此后我都这样应对。飞行中我仍在悲伤，担心前一张机票能否退款，那笔钱对我很重要。

Because I remember that day being quite in awe of what I had done. I remember looking at myself and thinking, oh that's very interesting Pearl and that's why it's that's where the habit began. I started acting that way going forward. I was still sad on the flight, I was sad because I had to figure out if my previous ticket was refundable. It was money that I didn't have much of.

我把原本用于旅行的积蓄买了新机票，账户几乎见底。但没什么能阻止我去墨西哥——我在那里有计划要完成的课程。最终我无悔地抵达了。说到底，一切取决于我们对自己的期许、认知和尊严的守护方式。

I had just spent the money that I saved for enjoying the trip itself on the new flight. I barely had any amount in my account on that flight but nothing was going to stop me from going to Mexico. I had plans, I had a course that I wanted to do, you know, in Mexico. And to Mexico I went, no regrets. Really at the end of the day, it all comes down to what we want for ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we choose to honor our worth.

此刻感到脆弱没关系，或许你甚至不爱自己。但幸运的是，爱无需感受也能实践。你依然可以为自己挺身而出。我在这个视频里有详细讲解——哦，就是这个视频。

It's okay if you feel weak right now, maybe you don't even feel like you love yourself. But you know, thankfully, the good news is love doesn't have to be felt to be practiced. You can still show up for yourself. I break this down more in this video. Oh, it's this video.

就是这个视频。好的。坚守你的界限。要知道你有自己的价值。痛苦、怀疑、煎熬。

It's this video here. Okay. Stick to your boundaries. Know that you have value. Hurting, doubting, aching.

这些都是人之常情的一部分。我希望你知道你并不孤单，好吗？坚持住。我感受得到所有的痛苦。

That's all part of being human. And I hope you know that you're not alone. Okay? Stay the course. I feel all the pain.

有时当我说话时，人们会误以为我的感受不同，因为我生命中有过一些人，你知道，有些认识的人问我问题，我回答时他们会说‘是啊，小伙子，这就是你’。不，亲爱的。我的感受非常深刻，但我只是懂得如何将情感与逻辑分开。就像我能做到这样。谢天谢地，我的情绪不会控制我的思考能力，明白吗？

Sometimes when I talk, people assume that I feel differently because I've had people in my life, you know, some people that I know, when they ask me stuff and I say stuff, they're like, yeah, boy, it's you. No, baby. I feel so deeply, but I just know how to separate my emotions and logic. Like I'm someone who can do that. Thankfully, my emotions do not control my thinking faculty, okay?

坚持住，因为在放手的另一面等待你的，是一个更充实、更自由、更有能力的自己。这真的就像去健身房。你举得越多，就能举得更多。明白吗？做得越多，就越容易。

Stay the course because what is waiting for you on the other side of letting go is a fuller, freer, more capable version of you. It is truly like going to the gym. The more you lift, the more you can lift. Does that make sense? The more you do it, the easier it gets.

你的能力就越强。每次你感到想要屈服、想要回头、想要与那些本该了结的事情讨价还价时，记住你为何开始，记住你为何在这里。如果那段关系真的那么好，你就不会在这里了，亲爱的。你值得更好的。从你开始给自己更好的那一刻起，你就可以开始向生活要求它。

The more capable you are. And every time you feel the urge to bend backwards, to go back, to negotiate with the thing that you should be done and dusted with, Remember why you started, remember why you are here. If it was that great of a relationship, you would not be here, my darling. You deserve better. And you can start demanding it from life the minute you start giving it to yourself.

一如既往，非常愉快。我是Progirl，我们下个视频见。

As always, it's been an absolute pleasure. My name is Progirl, and I'll see you in the next video.