#203：如何软化内心的批评者并原谅自己的过去

你正在收听《依恋之间》，在这里你可以了解依恋如何塑造我们体验关系的方式，并获得指导、知识与实用工具，以克服不安全感，建立健康、蓬勃的关系。我是你的主持人、关系教练斯蒂芬妮·里格，很高兴你来到这里。

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here.

大家好，欢迎回到《依恋之间》的另一期节目。今天我们要聊的是如何减少自我批评，或者说如何与内心的批评者做朋友。我觉得这是很多人都会挣扎的问题，无论你在依恋光谱上处于哪个位置。自我批评似乎是我们一生都背负的重担。

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to be less self critical or how to befriend your inner critic. Now I think this is something that so many of us struggle with no matter where we sit on the attachment spectrum, frankly. Think self criticism is a burden that many of us are very well acquainted with carrying through our lives.

在构思本期节目时，我注意到，关于自我批评和内在批评者的常见说法往往是“如何让你的内在批评者闭嘴”。我刻意避开了这种框架，就像我教授焦虑时一样——我绝不会说“如何摆脱焦虑”或“如何消灭焦虑”，因为我不认为焦虑本身是问题。同样，我也不认为你需要压制、征服、抹除或摧毁你的内在批评者。我把它看作是在某种程度上保护你的一个部分。听起来可能有点奇怪，就像很多我们所谓的“保护部分”会做出被我们贴上“错误”“糟糕”“麻烦”或“不受欢迎”标签的行为。

And, you know, in thinking about today's episode and how to frame it, I was reflecting that so much of the time the language we hear around self criticism and our inner critic is like how to silence your inner critic. And I very deliberately steered clear of that framing because as with anxiety and and the way I teach about that, I would never say like how to get rid of anxiety or how to eliminate your anxiety because I don't think that anxiety is the problem. I actually don't think that your inner critic is a part of you that you need to silence or dominate or erase or destroy or get rid of. Really, I see the inner critic as a part of you that is playing a role that is protective in some way. And that might sound a little funny as with a lot of our protective parts that engage in behaviors that we might label wrong or bad or inconvenient or unwelcome.

归根结底，如果你脑子里一直有个声音在苛刻地评判你、说你不够好、要你更努力、挑你的毛病、把出错的事都怪到你头上——那一定是有原因的。今天我们会谈到，转变内在环境的关键，其实是转身面对这些批评部分，去理解它们的意图、它们想保护我们免受什么，而不是背对它们、按静音键或试图压倒它们。这就是今天要聊的内容。

Ultimately, there's some reason. If you are moving through life, moving through the world with this voice in your head that is constantly being hard on you, being judgmental, telling you that you're not good enough, telling you you need to do better, pointing out your flaws, all of those things, blaming you for everything that goes wrong. There's a reason for that. And as we'll talk about today, a big part of shifting that internal environment is actually turning towards our critical parts and seeking to understand their purpose and what they're trying to protect us from rather than turning our back on them or trying to hit the mute button or overpower or overrule them. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.

如何与内在批评者建立一种不同的关系；如何原谅自己；如何对自己更慈悲；以及转变这种关系为何比自我鞭笞、自我惩罚、自我指责更能促成真正的改变。因为我们常常以为必须靠后者才能改变，而我发现事实恰恰相反。节目开始前，快速提醒：如果你在伦敦或周边，想参加我9月13日的活动，我只会待几天，非常期待与一群志同道合的朋友面对面，聊聊安全关系，尤其是如何与自己建立安全关系。如果你有兴趣，非常希望见到你。

What it means to develop a different kind of relationship with your inner critic, how to forgive yourself, how to be more self compassionate, and how shifting that relationship can actually be much more facilitative of change than the approach where we self flagellate, punish ourselves, blame ourselves. Because oftentimes, we can have the story that we need to do all of those things in order to make changes when I find that the opposite is true. Before we get into today's episode, just a quick reminder if you are in or around London and you would like to come along to my upcoming event on the September 13. I'm only gonna be in town for a couple of days, and I'm so looking forward to gathering with an intimate group of like minded folks to share about all things secure relationships and most importantly, how to build a secure relationship with yourself. So if you are interested in coming along, would so love to see you there.

你可以通过节目简介里的链接或直接访问我的网站购票。好，让我们谈谈自我批评和内在批评者，看看如何把内在环境转向更慈悲的方向。如前所述，自我批评并不是必须清除的“坏东西”。这种看法极不友好，因为它否认了我们所有部分——哪怕是我们不喜欢的部分——都在某种程度上服务于某个目的。

You can purchase tickets via the link in the show notes or by heading straight to my website. Okay. So let's talk about self criticism and the inner critic and what it takes to really shift our internal environment into a more self compassionate one. So as I alluded to in the introduction, self criticism is not just a bad thing that we need to get rid of. I think that kind of mindset is wildly unhelpful because it fails to acknowledge that all of our parts, even the ones that we would rather not be there, are serving some sort of purpose.

对很多人来说，批评就在扮演这种角色。如果我们拉把椅子，坐在那个高度自我批评的部分对面，把它投射出来，问它：“你究竟想做什么？为什么一直在我耳边数落我搞砸、我不够好、没人喜欢我、我不够好看、我得改这改那、别人总会离开我……”这些反复播放的苛刻、惩罚、不友善的信息，到底想达成什么？带着真正的好奇去问：这个部分为何如此执着地批评我？

And for a lot of us, criticism is serving this role. If we were to sit down, you know, pull up a chair and sit down opposite the part of us that is highly self critical, our inner critic, and sort of project them outwards and sit down and have a conversation with them and say, like, what are you trying to do here? When you are constantly in my ear telling me all of the ways that I've messed up or I'm not good enough or people don't like me or I'm not attractive enough or I need to change these things about myself or, you know, people always leave me like all of the things, all of those little voices that can just be playing on repeat, these really harsh punitive unkind messages. You know, what would be the purpose of that? And being genuinely curious around, like, what is this part of me trying to achieve by being so self critical all of the time?

深入挖掘后——当然每个人情况不同——你往往会发现，内在批评者背后相信：如果我不盯紧你，坏事就会发生。所以它不停催你“做得更好”，是因为它相信“只有完美才值得被爱”；或者它指出你的错误，是想让你别再犯，因为那些错误曾带来巨大痛苦；又或者它骂你“太黏人”“太敏感”，要你“忍着别让人看出你难过”，可能是因为深怕一旦你占太多空间，别人就会离开。

And a lot of the time if we dig a little deeper, of course, it will be personal to each individual. But a lot of the time, the inner critic is operating from this belief that if I don't keep you in line, something bad's gonna happen. So if I'm constantly telling you to do better, I am carrying this belief that people won't love us unless we're perfect, for example. Or if I'm always trying to point out to you where you've messed up, I'm trying to keep you accountable to not make those mistakes again because maybe those mistakes led us to a lot of pain and suffering in the past. So if I'm telling you like not to be too needy or that you're too sensitive and that you've just got to suck it up and not let someone know that you're upset and you know, really kind of being quite harsh in that respect, maybe that's coming from a deep fear that if you take up too much space, someone's gonna leave you.

当我们开始深挖，总能找到最硬核的批评者背后也有保护意图：需要证明自己、补偿 perceived 的不足、必须完美才值得爱、拼命防止失联、避免重复过去的痛。一旦看见这一点，我们就能共情并意识到：原来内在批评者是在努力保护我们的安全。只有当我们转身面对它，认出它，甚至对它说“谢谢你，我知道你在努力保护我，我知道你很在乎我，在乎我的工作、我的关系……”——那一刻，软化就开始了，因为我们不再与自己为敌。

Right? And so when we start to dig a little and scratch the surface, we can see that there is always some sort of protective intent behind even the most hardcore inner critic. You can always find your way to to some thread of needing to prove yourself, needing to compensate for a perceived inadequacy, needing to be perfect in order to be lovable, trying desperately to prevent disconnection, trying to avoid a repetition of a past mistake or a past pain. And when we can see that, we can start to empathize and recognize that actually our inner critic is doing a really important job and that is to try and keep us safe. And it's only when we turn towards that and we can actually recognize and even voice gratitude to that part of us and say, like, I see what you're trying to do.

我看见了你的用意，也感受到了你努力想让我安全。我知道你是多么关心我，关心这一切——无论是我的工作、我的关系，还是别的什么。就在这一刻，我们开始软化，因为我们不再与自己作战。

I see how you're trying to keep me safe. I know how much you care about me and care about this, whatever this is, whether it's your job or your relationships or or whatever else. Right away, we start to feel this softening. Right? Because we stop being at war with ourselves.

我们不再处于这种持续的错误和抗拒状态，不再把自己当成坏人，你知道，我们经历着羞耻和指责的内在对话。然后作为回应，我们又让自己变成错误的一方。于是我们给本就沉重、负担重重的系统再增加更多羞耻和指责。所以当我们真正把那份重量从肩上卸下，转而说：好，我洗耳恭听，我想理解自己的这一部分，并且带着真正的好奇和想要结交与支持的心态去靠近那部分自己时，你会立刻注意到内在环境几乎马上发生了转变。

We stop being in this constant state of wrongness and resistance, making ourselves the bad guy, and, you know, we're experiencing this internal dialogue of shame and blame. And then in response to that, we're making ourselves wrong. So we're adding more shame and blame to a system that's already carrying a heavy weight and a heavy burden. So when we can actually lift that weight off our shoulders and instead go, okay, I'm all ears. I wanna understand this part of me and really approach that part of ourselves with genuine curiosity and a desire to befriend and support, you will notice that it almost straightaway shifts the internal environment.

因此，把自我同情这根橄榄枝伸出去——既广泛地针对我们挣扎的事情，也具体地针对内在批评者以及我们难以接纳的其他部分——是极为重要的第一步。现在可能有点棘手、也是我知道很多人抗拒的地方，就是我前面提到的：我需要对自己负责，要做得更好、做得不同；光是对自己和和气气、温柔以待，不就等于放自己一马吗？对吧？所以我们的内在批评者可能非常强硬，死死抓住“我得把我们管得牢牢的”这种感觉，而光是友善、光是温暖模糊，我们内在某些部分会对此产生强烈抗拒，这完全可以理解。

So extending that olive branch of self compassion both towards ourselves more broadly in terms of the things we struggle with, but specifically to our inner critic and any other parts of us that we find hard to accept is a really, really important first step. Now what can be a little tricky there and something that I know a lot of people have resistance to is what I alluded to earlier around, like, I need to keep myself accountable to do better, to do differently, and just being nice to myself and being kind to myself isn't that tantamount to letting myself off the hook. Right? So our inner critic can be, you know, pretty firm and can grip pretty tightly to this sense of I need to keep us in line and just being nice and being all warm and fuzzy. There can be parts of us that have a lot of resistance to that, and that's totally valid.

我们要看见并承认这一点。我想给出的安慰是，如果你正坐在那里抗拒，想着：是啊，我可不能就这么放过自己，因为也许我确实犯了严重错误，或者我真的失了诚信，又或者有些事让我深感羞耻，我满怀懊悔与自责。我想告诉你，唯有自我同情——也就是承认我们行为或挣扎背后的人性，承认我们永远都在尽力而为，承认那些你对自己苛责的行为背后总有某种原因——才能真正起效。对吧？

And we wanna recognize and acknowledge that. And the reassurance that I wanna offer, if you are sitting there and having that resistance of like, yeah, I'm not just gonna let myself off the hook here because maybe I've made real mistakes or maybe I have acted out of integrity or there are things that I'm really deeply ashamed of that I really feel a lot of regret and remorse about. What I'd offer to you is that it's actually only in being self compassionate. So in recognizing the humanity underneath whatever we did, you know, or whatever we've struggled with, recognizing that we're always all doing our best and that, you know, whatever you might have done that you're so hard on yourself about, there's always some sort of reason. Right?

比如，你当时想满足某种需求，或者想逃避痛苦，又或者出于恐惧而行动。无论我们做了什么，哪怕那并不是我们特别自豪的事，背后总有非常正当的理由。唯有把自我同情带到那里，我们才能真正有意义地参与、学习并吸取所经历之事的教训，才能真正转向我们想要改变的方向。如果我们采取羞辱和指责的方式，我敢保证不会有任何真正的成长，因为那只会导致更多崩溃、更多收缩、更多羞耻与指责，我们向下螺旋。这意味着自尊更低、自我价值感更低。

Like, you were trying to get a need met or you were trying to avoid pain or you were acting from fear. Like, there's always something really valid that sits underneath whatever it is that we do, even if the thing that we do is not, you know, something that we're super proud of. It's only in bringing self compassion to that that we can start to actively meaningfully engage with and learn the lessons of whatever the thing is that we've experienced, whatever, you know, we're trying to shift away from. If we adopt a shaming and blaming approach, I promise you there's no meaningful growth that comes from that because it's just, as I said, leads to more collapsing, more contraction, more shame and blame, and we spiral downwards. And that means that we have lower self esteem, lower self worth.

从那个位置出发，我们更容易继续做出受恐惧驱动、受稀缺感驱动、失调的行为，因为整个系统压力巨大。所以，要想真正面对懊悔、面对过去的错误，真正原谅自己、承担责任并做出不同选择，我们必须拥有一定程度的自我同情。批评与惩罚不是出路。我们现在在育儿领域明白这一点，在纪律领域也明白，那种靠压倒、恐吓、批评、惩罚来逼出行为改变的老派做法，并不是促成改变的最有效途径。那只是一种高压、恐惧驱动的系统，而我们不想用这种方式对待内在关系。

And from that place, we're much more likely to engage in further fear driven, scarcity driven, you know, dysregulated behaviors because our system is under so much stress. So really, order to engage meaningfully with regret, with past mistakes, in order to actually forgive ourselves and take responsibility and do something differently, we have to have a level of self compassion. Criticism and punishment is not the way to go. I mean, we know this now in parenting. We know this in, like, the the world of discipline that that's a very old school approach to try and overpower and intimidate and criticize and punish someone into behavior change.

因此，当我们带入更多自我同情时，我们并不是在纵容行为，也不是放自己一马，更不是说“好了，现在一切都无所谓了，我犯的所有错误都没关系”——我根本不是这个立场。我非常强调自我负责、诚实反思，并真正去认领自己的“东西”。但只有在卸下一些电荷之后我们才能做到，而羞耻感根本不让我们这么做。所以，向那些可能对自我同情、对用更温和更好奇的方式而非激烈自我批评来刺激改变或成长的想法仍有抗拒的部分，提供这样的安慰。

That is just not the most effective way to elicit behavior change. It just tends to be a very high stress fear driven system, and that's not the way we wanna be approaching our inner relationship. So really in bringing more self compassion where we are not condoning behavior, we're not letting ourselves off the hook, we're not saying like, okay, now it's totally fine. Everything that I might have done, all the mistakes I might have made, that is really not my approach at all. I'm so big on self responsibility and honest reflection and engagement with owning our staff.

最后同样重要的一点，我想谈谈自我宽恕，因为我觉得这是我们完成整个循环的方式。因为当我们只卡在自我批评阶段时，往往无法深入走到真正原谅自己的地方。于是我们可能只对所做的事或自己的缺失感到羞耻，或其他各种评判，却无法进入更深层的反思与吸取教训，然后宽恕自己。所以在我看来，自我宽恕只有在我们建立起某种担当时才可能发生，有足够的信任让我们可以说：我不会再这样做了，下次我会这样做。就像在一段关系里，任何关系，如果某人只说“对不起”，并不会在深层真正落地。我们想看到对方正视可能犯的错误、造成的伤害，并展示出对下次会怎么做得不同的认知与承诺，这样我们才会信任这份道歉，并感到解决与修复。

But we can only do that when we've actually taken some of the charge out and shame just doesn't allow us to do that. So offering that by way of reassurance to any parts of you that might be resistant to the idea of self compassion, the idea of approaching ourselves with a gentler, more curious way of relating rather than one that is intensely self critical as a way to kind of spur on change or growth. Now last but not least, I wanna talk a little about self forgiveness because, again, I think that this is kind of the way that we complete the cycle. Because when we're just stuck in the self critical phase, we tend not to go deep enough to actually get to the place of forgiving ourselves. So we might just feel the shame about the thing that we've done or, you know, what we lack or or whatever other judgments we're making, but we don't get to those deeper layers of reflecting and learning the lesson, as I just said, and then forgiving ourselves.

同样的逻辑适用于我们与自己的内在关系。再说一次，当我们处于沉重的自我批评、羞耻与指责中时，这是不可能做到的。只有当我们能稍微脱离一点、软化一点，真正深入反思我们在哪里失足、我们懊悔的事、我们羞耻的选择、我们的行为方式，去正视并说：是的，那并不符合我想成为的样子，那并不是我最好的状态，那也许没有体现我的价值观。

So in my mind, self forgiveness is really only something that we can do when we've created some accountability and there's enough trust there that we can say, like, I am not gonna do this again. Here's what I'm gonna do differently next time. Like in a relationship, any relationship, you know, an apology where someone just says, like, I'm sorry. It doesn't really land on a deep level. We wanna see someone engage with the mistakes they might have made, the hurt they might have caused, and to show some recognition and acknowledgment of what they're going to do differently next time, what the commitment is so that we then trust in that apology and we can, you know, feel a sense of resolution and repair.

也许我当时非常受恐惧驱使而反应。关键并不是疯狂地想要拆毁或撤销这一切，也不是冲回去向所有人道歉、解释自己、做各种补救动作；而是能够在内在抱持它、看见它，然后说：好，带着我现在拥有的清晰与自我觉察，下次我会怎么做不同，我会设置什么防护机制来支持自己选择这条新路，而不是在压力、恐惧或崩溃状态下成为习惯反应的旧路。正是这一点，让你能对自我宽恕和过去犯的错误感到完整与解决，从而真正与过去和解，不再留下那么多未竟的循环、沉重的残留。

The same is true for our own inner relationship. And again, this is not possible when we're just in this really heavy state of self criticism and shame and blame. So it's only when we can, you know, detach a little from that, soften a little, really reflect deeply on where we've misstepped along the way, the things that we regret, the things that we might feel ashamed of, the choices that we've made, the ways that we've conducted ourselves, you know, engaging with that and going, yeah, that wasn't in alignment with who or how I wanna be. That wasn't me being my best self. Maybe that did not reflect my values.

因为我觉得我们很多人就是这样，心里挂着太多仍未放下、仍感沉重与残留的事情。

Maybe I was being very reactive from a place of fear. And it's not about trying to then frantically unravel or undo all of that and go back and apologize to people and explain yourself and do all of the things. It's just about being able to hold it within yourself and see it within yourself and go, okay, knowing what I now know, having the clarity and the self awareness that I now possess, what would I do differently next time and what safeguards might I put in place in order to support myself to choose this new way over the old way that might be my habituated response in those conditions of stress or fear or overwhelm. So that is what really allows you to to feel this sense of completeness and resolution around self forgiveness and the mistakes that you've made in the past so that you can really make peace with the past and feel like you don't have all of these open loops there, all of these things that you're still holding a lot of heaviness and residue around. Because I think for a lot of us, we do that.

我们往往要么转身逃避那些让自己后悔的事，要么就陷入反复纠结，但这种纠结只是反刍，而非真正的面对与反思。所以我希望这为你提供了一种新的方式，去与自我批评、自我指责、自我责任、自我慈悲相处。这些都是培养并维系积极自我关系的关键，让我们能更轻松地走向外面的世界，带着更敞开的心，更少的负担；也因为我们已经正视了自己的问题，厘清思路，并计划下次如何做得不同，从而更主动、更有意识地呈现自己。你知道，我们真正准备好这样承诺并尊重自己，而不是出于习惯、反应或羞耻继续旧模式——那种惩罚性的内在环境很容易让我们陷入恶性循环。希望这些对你有所帮助。

We just turn our backs on the things we regret or we obsess over them, but from a place of rumination rather than true engagement and reflection. So I hope that that has given you a different way of relating to self criticism, to self blame, to self responsibility, to self compassion. These are all absolutely crucial in nurturing and fostering a really positive relationship with ourselves that allows us to then go out into the world carrying fewer burdens from a more open hearted place, a place that does allow us to be more deliberate and intentional about how we show up because we've owned our stuff, we've gotten clear, and we've got a plan on how we're going to do things differently next time. And, you know, we're really ready to commit to ourselves and honor ourselves in that way rather than just doing the old thing out of habit or out of reactivity or out of shame because we're in that spiral that can so easily happen when we're inhabiting a very punitive inner environment. So I hope that that's been helpful.

如果今天的内容引起了你的共鸣，欢迎来看看我的免费训练：如何疗愈焦虑型依恋，最终在生活和爱情中感到安全。我会讲到当我们对自己有负面信念，比如“我有问题”“我不完整”时，会陷入羞耻漩涡，这些信念会催生出自恐惧的行为，反过来又加剧羞耻、自责和破碎感，于是我们在内在关系和自我形象上陷入负向下滑。训练里我详细探讨了这一点以及很多其他内容。如果今天的对话让你有共鸣，一定要去看看这门关于疗愈焦虑型依恋的免费训练。

If what I've shared in this episode resonates with you, checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I talk about the shame spirals that we can get into when we have negative beliefs about ourselves, like there's something wrong with me, I'm broken, and that can fuel certain behaviors that are coming from a place of fear that in turn add to the shame and the self blame and the sense of brokenness. And so we can get stuck in these really negative downward spirals in terms of our inner relationship and self image. So I talk about that in quite a lot of detail in the training amongst many other things. So if what we've chatted about today has resonated with you, definitely consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love.

好了，各位，就聊到这儿。非常感谢你们的陪伴，下周见。谢谢大家。

Okay, guys. Gonna leave it there. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.

感谢收听本期《依恋之间》。如果你想更深入探讨依恋、爱情与关系，可以在 Instagram 上找到我：stephanie__rig，或访问 stephanierig.com。如果你喜欢这期节目，请不吝留下五星评价和评论，真的帮大忙了。再次感谢你的陪伴，希望很快再见到你。

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie underscore underscore rig or at stephanie rig dot com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.