5个迹象表明有人在消耗你的能量（以及该如何应对）

嘿，我是杰。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但我刚才想你了，希望你能对自己耐心一点，因为你值得，就这样。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute, and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it, and yeah.

我很快再联系你。

I'll talk to you soon.

你有没有过这样的经历：看到某个人的名字出现在手机上，还没看消息，身体就已经有反应了？

Have you ever seen someone's name appear on your phone and felt your body react before you even read the message?

肩膀紧绷，胃里一沉，你停顿几秒，犹豫自己有没有精力去回复。

Your shoulders tighten, your stomach drops, you pause for a few seconds trying to decide whether you have enough energy to answer.

其实什么都还没发生，但你的身体已经在为这场对话做准备了。

Nothing has even happened yet, but your body is already preparing for the conversation.

也许你知道这通电话会比你想的更长。

Maybe you know the call will last longer than you want it to.

也许你知道你又要听到那个已经讨论过五次的问题了。

Maybe you know you're about to hear the same problem you've discussed five times before.

也许你担心，如果说错话，他们会生气、失望或者疏远你。

Maybe you're worried that if you say the wrong thing, they'll become angry, disappointed, or distant.

我们生活中都有这样的人。

We all know people like this in our lives.

和他们待得越久，你就越觉得累。

The more time you spend with them, the more exhausted you feel.

我们常常忽略这些反应，因为觉得没有足够的理由去解释它们。

We often dismiss those reactions because we don't think we have enough evidence to justify them.

我们告诉自己，“他们正在经历困难时期”，或者“我应该更体谅一些”。

We tell ourselves, "They're going through a difficult time," or, "I should be more sympathetic."

我们担心自己是不是太没耐心、太自私、太夸张或者不够友善。

We worry that we're being impatient, selfish, dramatic, or unkind.

我们去找那个人做过的坏事，但找不到的时候，就认定这种疲惫一定是自己的问题。

We look for one terrible thing the person has done, and when we can't find it, we decide the exhaustion must be our fault.

但如果这种疲惫本身就是一个信号呢？

But what if the exhaustion is information?

如果你的身体正在识别一种你的大脑已经习惯去解释掉的模式，那会怎么样？

What if your body is recognizing a pattern your mind has become used to explaining away?

如果我告诉你，这些关系带来的压力其实正在影响你的睡眠、你的思绪、你的神经系统，甚至可能影响你身体衰老的方式，你会怎么想？

And what if I told you that the stress created by those relationships is actually following you into your sleep, your thoughts, your nervous system, and potentially into the way your body ages?

2026年发表在《美国国家科学院院刊》上的一项研究，考察了研究人员所称的“烦人精”对健康的影响。

A 2026 study published in the journal "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences" examined the health effects of what the researchers called hasslers.

他们把“烦人精”定义为某人亲密社交圈中经常找麻烦、制造问题或让生活变得更难的人。

They defined hasslers as people in someone's close social network who often hassled them, caused problems, or made life more difficult.

这项研究包括了印第安纳州2300多名成年人，年龄从18岁到103岁不等，近30%的人报告说他们的社交圈里至少有一个“烦人精”。

The study included more than 2,300 adults in Indiana, ranging in age from 18 to 103, and nearly 30% of people reported having at least one hassler in their social network.

研究人员收集了唾液样本，并研究了DNA甲基化的模式，这可以用来估算生物年龄。

Researchers collected saliva samples and studied patterns in DNA methylation, which can be used to estimate biological aging.

研究人员发现，一个人的社交圈里每多一个“烦人精”，生物衰老速度就会加快1.5%，生物年龄大约增加九个月。

The researchers found that each additional hassler in a person's network was associated with a 1.5% faster pace of biological aging and approximately nine months of additional biological age.

只要有一个“烦人精”，衰老速度就会加快2.6%，生物年龄大约加速15个月。

Simply having any hassler was associated with a 2.6% faster pace of aging and roughly 15 months of accelerated biological age.

这种影响在那些报告有家人给自己添堵的人身上表现得尤为明显。

The effects appeared particularly pronounced among people who reported having family hasslers.

现在，我想实事求是地说说这项研究告诉了我们什么，又没告诉我们什么。

Now, I want to be realistic about what this study does and does not tell us.

它发现了关联，但并没有证明某个难相处的人直接导致了一个人的身体加速衰老。

It found an association, but it did not prove that one difficult person directly caused someone's body to age faster.

当然，研究人员也承认，可能还有其他解释。

Of course, the researchers acknowledge that other explanations may contribute as well.

但这项研究确实补充了我们已知的关于慢性压力的知识。

But the study does add to something we already know about chronic stress.

压力不仅仅存在于我们的思想中。

Stress is not confined to our thoughts.

你的身体参与了你每一段关系。

Your body participates in every relationship you have.

当你感到安全、被支持、被理解时，它会做出反应；当你感到被批评、被困住或时刻保持警惕时，它也会做出反应。

It responds when you feel safe, supported, and understood, and it responds when you feel criticized, trapped, or constantly on alert.

最近，“能量吸血鬼”成了个流行词，用来形容那些让我们感到心力交瘁的朋友。

Recently, energy vampires has become a popular term for friends who leave us feeling emotionally depleted.

我想，我光是提到“能量吸血鬼”，你脑海里可能就已经浮现出某个人了吧。

I wonder if even me just saying energy vampires brought a certain person to the front of your mind.

其实，影响你能量的人不一定很刻薄。

Look, the person affecting your energy may not be cruel.

他们可能不是故意操控你。

They may not be intentionally manipulative.

他们可能爱你，你也可能爱他们。

They may love you, and you may love them.

我个人知道，最难理解的关系，往往是那种既有真挚感情，又伴随着反复压力的关系。

I know personally that some of the hardest relationships to understand are the ones that contain real affection alongside recurring stress.

所以今天，我想帮你分辨，一段关系是只是普通的摩擦，还是已经变成了真正让人长期压力山大的状态。

So today, I want to help you recognize when a dynamic is rooted in just ordinary relational friction, or when it has turned into something genuinely chronically stressful.

我们会探讨五个迹象，看看某人是否在消耗你比你意识到的更多的精力。

We're going to explore five signs that someone may be costing you more energy than you realize.

而且针对每一个迹象，我想给你一个实用的方法，让你以后能调整自己应对他们的方式。

And for each sign, I want to give you a practical way to shift the way you respond to them moving forward.

听的时候，别只问自己：“我生活里有谁是这样？”

As you listen, try not to just ask, "Who in my life does this?"

也要问问自己：“我有没有也让别人有过这种感受？”

Also ask yourself, "Have I ever created this experience for someone else?"

我们大多数人都曾经在某段时间里消耗过别人的精力。

Most of us have drained another person at some point.

我们可能霸占过对话，期望别人解决我们自己不愿面对的问题，或者因为太沉浸在自己的痛苦中，而忘了关心别人的感受。

We've dominated a conversation, expected someone to solve a problem we were unwilling to address, or become so consumed by our own pain that we forgot to ask about theirs.

自我觉察应该是双向的，因为健康的关系建立在既能看到自己得到了什么，也能看到自己反复要求别人承担什么的基础上。

Self-awareness should move in both directions because healthy relationships are built by recognizing what we receive and what we repeatedly ask others to carry.

Instagram青少年账号自带保护功能，可以限制谁能联系青少年、他们能看到的内容，以及他们在应用上花费的时间。

Instagram Teen Accounts come with automatic protections that limit who can contact teens, the content they can see, and the time they spend on the app.

想了解更多关于青少年账号和Instagram持续保护青少年在线安全的努力，请访问instagram.com/teenaccounts。

Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

我们来看看第一个迹象，说明某人给你带来的压力可能比你意识到的要大，那就是你一想到要和他们见面，脑子就开始飞速运转。

Let's get into the first sign that someone may be creating more stress than you realize, and it's that your mind begins to race in preparation for spending time with them.

你知道晚点要见他们，然后你的一部分心思一整天都在做准备。

You know you're seeing them later, and part of your mind spends the entire day preparing.

你会预想他们会问什么问题，会批评哪些决定，又会把哪个没解决的事情再翻出来。

You anticipate which questions they might ask, which decisions they might criticize, and which unresolved issue they might bring up again.

也许在家庭聚会之前，你会列一个要避开的话题清单。

Maybe before a family gathering, you make a list of subjects to avoid.

在跟经理说话之前，你会把每句话都排练一遍，因为你知道一个说错的词就可能影响他们的情绪。

Before speaking to a manager, you rehearse every sentence because you know one expected word could change their mood.

在告诉朋友一个决定之前，你会准备一套说辞来辩解，而不是简单分享这个消息。

Before telling a friend about a decision, you prepare a defense instead of simply sharing the news.

你不是在准备和这个人建立联系。

You're not preparing to connect with the person.

你是在准备应对跟他们坦诚相待的后果。

You're preparing to manage the consequence of being honest with them.

当你的大脑预感到一次困难的经历时，你的身体可能会提前开始做准备。

When your brain predicts a difficult experience, your body can begin preparing for it in advance.

你的心跳可能会加快，呼吸可能会变浅，肌肉可能会紧张，注意力可能会集中在可能的威胁上。

Your heart may beat faster, your breathing may become shallower, your muscles may tense, and your attention may narrow toward possible threats.

事情还没发生，但你的身体已经开始在当下体验其中的一部分了。

The event is in the future, but your body begins experiencing part of it in the present.

想想这会消耗多少时间。

Think about how much time that can consume.

一次对话可能只有30分钟，但如果你提前担心三个小时，事后又反复回想两个小时，你的身体实际上为一小段互动背负了大半天的压力。

A conversation may last 30 minutes, but if you worry about it for three hours beforehand and replay it for two hours afterward, your body has carried a 30-minute interaction for most of the day.

一段关系的真正代价，并不总是以你们共处的时间来衡量。

The true cost of a relationship is not always measured by the time you spend together.

它也可以从这段关系在对方不在时占据你多少心理和身体空间来衡量。

It can also be measured by the amount of mental and physical space the relationship occupies when the other person is not there.

我经常在那些对方情绪难以预测的关系中看到这种情况。

I see this happen most often in relationships where someone is unpredictable.

有一天他们热情、支持、慷慨。

One day they're warm, supportive, and generous.

第二天，他们挑剔、冷漠，或者容易生气。

The next day, they're critical, dismissive, or easily offended.

你永远不知道会遇到哪个版本的他们，所以你时刻关注他们，总是小心翼翼。

You never know which version of the person you will encounter, so you monitor them closely and walk on eggshells constantly.

这种不可预测性让关系很难评估，因为对方并不总是伤害你。

That unpredictability can make a relationship difficult to evaluate because the person is not always hurtful.

你记得那些好日子，并用它们来解释那些难熬的日子。

You remember the good days and use them to explain away the difficult ones.

你告诉自己他们可以支持你，或者他们可以很有趣，这可能是真的，但好品质的可能性并不会自动消除那种永远不知道会得到什么的压力。

You tell yourself they can be supportive, or they can be so fun, and that may be true, but the possibility of good traits does not automatically erase the stress created by never knowing what you're going to get.

心理学家有时用“矛盾关系”来形容一种既包含有意义支持又包含显著压力的关系。

Psychologists sometimes use the term ambivalent relationship to describe a connection that contains both meaningful support and significant stress.

这些关系让我们在情感上不确定，我们依恋于关系可能成为的样子，同时不断为它有时变成的样子做准备。

These relationships keep us emotionally uncertain, and we stay attached to what the relationship can be while continually preparing for what it sometimes becomes.

需要说明的是，在一场艰难对话前感到紧张，并不代表这段关系不健康。

It is important to say that feeling nervous before one difficult conversation does not mean a relationship is unhealthy.

有时候感到不适是正常的。

Sometimes discomfort is appropriate.

问题不在于，我是否在这个人身边感到不舒服？

The question is not, do I ever feel uncomfortable around this person?

你要问自己，我为什么不舒服？

Ask yourself, why am I uncomfortable?

我紧张是因为我们必须进行一场艰难的对话，还是因为这个人总是反复无常？

Am I nervous because we have to have a hard conversation, or because this person is consistently unpredictable?

我是在准备坦诚沟通，还是在准备防止他们的反应？

Am I preparing to communicate honestly, or am I preparing to prevent their reaction?

我相信我们可以有分歧并最终修复关系，还是相信一步走错就会导致惩罚、冷战或混乱？

Do I believe we can disagree and eventually repair, or do I believe one wrong move will lead to punishment, withdrawal, or chaos?

你的身体可以提醒你某种模式，但它不一定能帮你解释这种模式。

Your body can alert you to a pattern, but it cannot always explain the pattern for you.

胃里打结是一种信号，不是最终结论。

A knot in your stomach is information, not a final verdict.

它是在邀请你去好奇自己正在预测什么，以及为什么。

It's an invitation to become curious about what you're predicting and why.

实际的做法是在接触之前制定一个计划。

The practical response here is to create a plan before contact.

决定你愿意待多久，哪些话题你愿意聊，以及什么行为会让你结束这次互动。

Decide how long you're willing to stay, which topics you're comfortable discussing, and what behavior will cause you to end the interaction.

就这三件事。

Those three things.

如果对方反复问侵入性的问题，也许准备一个明确的回应，为你的个人生活设定界限。

If the person repeatedly asks intrusive questions, maybe prepare one clear response setting a boundary on your personal life.

如果对话变得不尊重，也许决定如何暂停它，而不是在情绪失控时即兴发挥。

If the conversation becomes disrespectful, maybe decide how you'll pause it instead of improvising while you're overwhelmed.

计划不能控制别人的行为，但它能提醒你，你有选择。

A plan cannot control another person's behavior, but it can remind you that you have choices.

当感到被困住时，期待尤其让人疲惫。

Anticipation is especially exhausting when you feel trapped.

一旦你明确了自己要做什么、不讨论什么、何时离开，你就开始重新找回自己的主动权。

The moment you identify what you will do, what you will not discuss, and when you will leave, you begin returning a sense of agency to yourself.

第二个迹象是，和这个人在一起，你不仅仅是花时间相处。

The second sign someone may be draining your energy is that you don't simply spend time with this person.

你还要为对方管理整个情绪体验。

You manage the entire emotional experience for them.

你会软化自己的观点，当他们感到不适时转移话题，当他们失望时赶紧安慰他们。

You soften your opinions, change the subject when they become uncomfortable, and rush to reassure them when they're disappointed.

他们的情绪状态成了房间里的中心，其他人都得围着它转。

Their emotional state becomes the central fact of the room, and everyone else learns to organize themselves around it.

如果他们生气了，你立刻开始找自己哪里做错了。

If they become angry, you immediately search for what you did wrong.

如果他们觉得被冷落，你就会放弃自己的计划去迎合他们。

If they feel excluded, you abandon your plans to include them.

如果你做的决定让他们失望了，你就会改变主意。

If they're disappointed by your decision, you change your mind.

如果他们不开心，你会觉得不把他们哄好就没法安心。

If they're unhappy, you feel you can't relax until you've made them feel better.

久而久之，你可能会把情绪管理误当成友谊。

Eventually, you can begin confusing emotional management with friendship.

PNA研究中最有趣的发现之一，就是“对别人重要”和“别人非常依赖你”这两种感觉之间的区别。

One of the most interesting findings in the PNA study involved the difference between feeling important to others and feeling that others depended heavily upon you.

那些说别人依赖自己的人，往往报告说自己的社交圈里有更多“骗子”；而那些觉得自己对别人重要的人，情况正好相反。

People who reported that others depended on them tended to report more hustlers in their networks, while people who felt important to others showed the opposite pattern.

被重视和被赋予责任，这两者之间有着本质的区别。

There's a meaningful difference between being valued and being made responsible.

被重视意味着你的存在有意义，你的关心被感激，最重要的是，你的需求在这段关系里也是被认可的。

Feeling valued means your presence matters, your care is appreciated, and most importantly, your needs exist within the relationship.

被赋予责任则意味着，只有你继续扮演某个特定角色，这段关系才能维持稳定。

Feeling responsible means the relationship appears stable only as long as you continue performing a particular role.

也许你就是那个让大家冷静下来的人。

Maybe you're the person who calms everyone down.

你是那个接听所有深夜电话、组织每次家庭聚会，或者在亲戚之间传话的人。

You're the one who answers every late-night call, organizes every family gathering, or translates one relative's feelings to another.

你太能干了，以至于人们开始把你的能力当成没有上限。

You're so capable that people begin treating your capacity as if it has no limit.

一开始是慷慨，慢慢就变成了理所当然。

What started as generosity gradually has become an expectation.

有些人很早就学会了这个角色。

Some people learn this role very early in life.

如果你是在一个情绪不稳定或情感上疏离的成年人身边长大的，你可能非常擅长察觉情绪上的细微变化。

If you grew up around an unpredictable or emotionally unavailable adult, you may have become highly skilled at reading small changes in mood.

这种敏感在小时候可能让你更有安全感，但成年后，它可能会让你去承担那些本不该由你控制的情绪状况。

That sensitivity may have helped you feel safer as a child, but as an adult, it can cause you to assume responsibility for emotional situations that are not yours to control.

别人还没说出口，你就注意到他们的不适，然后立刻改变自己去解决。

You notice someone's discomfort before they name it, and you immediately change yourself to resolve it.

关心别人的感受是友谊中美好的一部分，健康的关系需要我们注意自己的行为对他人的影响。

Caring about someone's feelings is a beautiful part of friendship Healthy relationships require noticing how our actions affect other people.

但问题在于，当他们的情绪总是决定你的行为，而你的情绪却得不到关注时。

But the problem begins when their emotions consistently determine your behavior, while your emotions remain unacknowledged.

这里最有用的做法是，把情绪责任交还给对方，同时不失去你的关怀。

The most useful practice here is handing back emotional responsibility without withdrawing compassion.

你可以说：“我理解你很失望，但我的决定仍然不变。”

You can say, "I understand that you're disappointed, and my decision is still the same."

你可以说：“我关心你正在经历的事情，但今晚我没有精力去谈论它。”

You can say, "I care about what you're going through, but I don't have the capacity to talk about it tonight."

你可以问：“你现在需要什么样的支持？”

You can ask, "What kind of support are you looking for right now?"

询问对方需要什么，能让你考虑自己是否真的有能力并且愿意提供帮助。

Asking what someone needs allows you to consider whether you're actually able and willing to provide it.

如果你无法提供，那并不意味着你不关心。

If you cannot provide it, that does not make you uncaring.

设定边界并不是否定别人的感受。

A boundary is not a denial of someone else's feelings.

而是对自己参与程度的诚实表达。

It is an honest statement about your participation.

当你把主动权交还给对方，让他们决定自己需要什么，最终你们的关系会更健康。

When you give the person back some agency on what they need, it ultimately creates a healthier relationship for both of you.

接下来我想讲第三个迹象，说明一段关系可能正在消耗你。

Now I want to move to the third sign that a relationship may be draining you.

你越想帮忙，就越觉得无能为力。

The more you try to help, the more helpless you feel.

也许这个人反复跟你提同一个问题。

Maybe this person repeatedly brings you the same problem.

你倾听、表示理解、提出建议、分享资源、帮忙引荐，还帮他们制定计划。

You listen, validate them, suggest solutions, send resources, offer introductions, and help them make a plan.

但每一个可能的下一步都被立刻否决了。

But every possible next step is immediately rejected.

你建议他们寻求专业帮助，他们却解释为什么没法去。

You recommend professional support, and they explain why they cannot pursue it.

你提出一个实际可行的改变，他们又找出三个新理由说明情况根本不可能。

You offer a practical change, and they introduce three new reasons the situation is impossible.

每个解决方案都变成新的问题，最后你比他们自己还努力地操心他们的生活。

Each solution becomes another problem, and eventually you begin working harder on their life than they are.

聊完之后，他们可能因为发泄了情绪而感觉好一些，但你却因为吸收了这些情绪而感觉更糟。

The conversation may leave them feeling better because they have released their frustration, but you leave feeling worse because you have absorbed it.

你背负着紧迫感，却没有改变局面的任何权力。

You carry the urgency without possessing any authority to change the situation.

然后你因为自己变得烦躁而内疚，因为你知道对方正在挣扎。

Then you feel guilty for becoming frustrated because you know the person's struggling.

这个循环通常始于一场危机。

The cycle often begins with a crisis.

他们抛出问题，你立刻觉得有责任去帮忙。

They present the problem, and you feel an immediate responsibility to help.

你提出一个想法，他们拒绝了，而他们的拒绝反而让你更加努力。

You offer an idea, they reject it, and their rejection causes you to try harder.

他们越是抗拒，你就变得越有创意、越有说服力、越投入。

The more they resist, the more creative, persuasive, and invested you become.

到了某个时刻，对话已经不再是关于他们的问题了。

At some point, the conversation is no longer about their problem.

而是关于你需要证明自己能帮他们摆脱困境。

It is about your need to prove that you can save them from it.

这是我们必须各自审视自己的不舒服的部分。

This is the uncomfortable part we each have to examine in ourselves.

是他们要求你解决问题，还是你自愿去当那个解决问题的人，因为这样能让你觉得自己重要或有掌控感？

Are they demanding that you fix the situation, or are you volunteering because being the fixer gives you a sense of importance or control?

我真的希望你能好好想一想这个问题。

I really want you to sit with that for a second.

有时候我们不停地提供解决方案，是因为坐在别人的痛苦旁边让我们感到不安。

Sometimes we keep offering solutions because sitting beside someone's pain makes us uneasy.

给建议让我们觉得自己在行动。

Advice allows us to feel active.

它让我们不至于感到无助。

It protects us from feeling helpless.

但实际上，真正的支持是尊重朋友有自己的选择权。

But in reality, real support looks like respecting that your friend has agency.

如果你已经提了五次同样的建议，而对方也拒绝了五次，那第六次解释很可能不会带来改变。

If you have offered the same advice five times and they've rejected it five times, a sixth explanation will probably not create change.

那可能只会加深这种模式，让你们俩都困在消极的状态里。

It may only deepen the pattern and keep both of you stuck in a negative place.

所以，不如试着问：“你是想让我只听你说，还是想让我帮你一起想想办法？”

So instead, try asking, "Do you want me to just listen, or do you want some help thinking about what to do?"

让他们成为对话的积极参与者，而不是你救援计划的接收者。

Make them an active participant in the conversation rather than the recipient of your rescue plan.

如果你觉得你们又陷入了老一套的循环，你可以这样问：“你看，我们已经聊过好几次了。

If you feel like you two are falling down a familiar cycle, you might ask instead, "Look, we've talked about this several times.

今天有什么不一样的感觉？

What feels different today?"

或者，你只需要说一句“听起来很痛苦”，不用接着花二十分钟免费给人当人生导师。

Or simply, you can acknowledge, "That sounds painful," without following it with 20 minutes of unpaid life coaching.

我觉得主动给别人提建议完全没必要。

I believe giving unsolicited advice is completely unnecessary.

要停止吸收别人的问题，最简单的方法之一就是在回应时以问题结尾，而不是给解决方案。

One of the simplest ways to stop absorbing another person's problem is to end your response with a question rather than a solution.

你觉得你的下一步是什么？

What do you think your next step is?

谁能给你合适的支持？

Who could give you the right support?

这件事里你能控制的部分是什么？

What part of this can you control?

提问传递的是对对方能力的信任。

Questions communicate belief in the other person's capacity.

你可以伸出援手，但不必把自己整个人都搭进去。

You can offer a hand without offering your entire body.

你可以陪在别人身边，但不必把他们的生活当成自己的责任。

You can sit beside someone without making their life your responsibility.

如果你发现自己也有这种模式，也不必感到羞愧。

And if you recognize yourself on the other side of this pattern, there is no need to become ashamed.

但现在，回想一下你最近的对话。

But now, think about your recent conversations.

你在倾诉之前，会先问问对方有没有精力听吗？

Do you ask people whether they have the capacity to listen before you begin dumping on them?

你会对他们的生活表现出好奇吗，还是每次聊天最后都会绕回到你自己的问题上？

Do you show curiosity about their lives, or does every conversation eventually return to your issues?

解决这个问题的第一步，就是意识到它。

The first step to resolving this is just realizing it.

现在，在给别人打电话之前，你可以问问自己：“上次他们给我的建议，我有没有照着做？”

Now, before calling someone, you can ask yourself, "Have I done anything with the advice they gave me last time?"

你也可以写写日记，找心理医生聊聊，或者先自己消化一下这种情绪，而不是马上把它丢给别人。

You could also journal, speak with a therapist, or sit with the feeling before immediately handing it to someone else.

友谊可以承载痛苦，但没有任何朋友应该成为你唯一的倾诉对象。

Friendship can hold pain, but no friend should have to become your only place to put it.

接下来我想说说第四种迹象，说明你身边有个‘拼命三郎’式的人，那就是你在他们面前总是刻意把自己放得很低。

Now I want to move to the fourth sign that you've got a hustler in your life, and it's that you consistently make yourself smaller around them.

也许你得到了一个机会，遇到了让你兴奋的人，达成了目标，或者取得了新的成功，但在分享之前，你会犹豫。

Maybe you receive an opportunity, meet someone you're excited about, reach a goal, or experience new success, but before sharing it, you pause.

你意识到这个朋友不是那个能和你分享好消息的人。

You realize this friend is not the person to go with the good news.

你知道他们可能会淡化你的成就。

You know they may minimize your update.

他们可能会警告你这件事行不通。

They may warn you why it won't work.

他们可能会和你比较，或者把话题重新引回他们自己身上。

They may compete with it, or they'll redirect the conversation back toward themselves.

你能预料到那种茫然的表情、怀疑的问题，或者他们立刻讲起自己类似经历的故事。

You can predict the blank look, the skeptical question, or the immediate story about the time something similar happened to them.

所以，与其冒险去面对那种反应，你选择把快乐藏起来，保护自己。

So instead of risking the response, you protect your happiness by keeping it private.

有时候这种模式很明显。

Sometimes the pattern is obvious.

你提到一个成就，他们就会提起自己更大的成就。

You mention an accomplishment, and they bring up a bigger accomplishment of their own.

但有时候，他们并没有直接说什么负面的话。

But other times, nothing directly negative is said.

你只是感觉到，自己的喜悦无处安放。

You simply notice that your joy has nowhere to land.

他们不会问问题，不会为你庆祝，也不会在对话中停留足够久。

They don't ask questions, celebrate with you, or remain present long enough in the conversation.

你离开时，为自己曾经那么兴奋而感到尴尬。久而久之，你学会了压抑自己。

You leave feeling embarrassed for having been excited Over time, you learn to edit yourself.

你压低自己的自信，避开某些观点，假装重要的事情没那么重要。

You downplay your confidence, avoid certain opinions, and pretend that important things matter less than they do.

你让自己变得不那么显眼，这样对方就更容易容忍你。

You become easier for the person to tolerate by becoming less visible.

从外表看，这段关系可能看起来很平静。

From the outside, the relationship may appear calm.

你知道哪些话题会引发竞争，哪些选择会招来批评，以及自己的哪些方面会让对方不舒服。

You know which topics will trigger competition, which choices will invite criticism, and which parts of yourself make the other person uncomfortable.

所以，与其讨论那些东西，你干脆把这些部分从关系中剔除掉。

So rather than discussing that stuff, you just remove those parts from the relationship.

表面的和平是真的，但你是通过压抑自己来换取它的。

The peace is real on the surface, but you are paying for it through self-suppression.

你得时刻留意自己的快乐。

You have to continually monitor your joy.

你人在场，但同时也在看着自己在场。

You're present, but you're also watching yourself be present.

这并不意味着每次有好消息，对方都得完美回应。

This doesn't mean someone has to respond perfectly to every piece of good news every single time.

我们偶尔都会对别人有所疏忽，一次令人失望的反应不应该成为整个关系不安全的证据。

We all fail to show up for people occasionally, and one disappointing reaction should not become evidence that the entire relationship is unsafe.

相反，要看整体模式，而不是揪住某一个瞬间不放。

Instead, look for the pattern rather than prosecuting one moment.

当你讲故事时，这个人通常看起来兴奋吗？

Does this person generally seem excited when you tell stories?

他们会倾听你生活中的事情，并追问细节吗？

Do they listen to what's happening in your life and ask follow-up questions?

他们有没有真心为你高兴过？

Do they ever seem genuinely happy for you?

这段关系让你更像自己，还是更不像自己？

Does this relationship make you feel more or less like yourself?

每段关系都会激发出我们不同的一面，但健康的关系不应该要求我们总是隐藏内心那些鲜活、充满希望或重要的部分。

Every relationship brings out different parts of us, but a healthy relationship should not require us to consistently hide what is alive, hopeful, or meaningful within us.

接下来的办法就是别再从一个反复让你失望的地方寻求安慰了。

The way forward here is to stop seeking nourishment where it has repeatedly been unavailable.

这不一定意味着要结束这段关系，但确实意味着你要对这个人目前能提供什么，抱有更现实的期待。

That does not always mean ending the relationship, but it definitely means developing more honest expectations about what this person can currently offer.

你可能爱你的家人，但也明白他们不是你分享职业消息的首选对象。

You may love a family member and recognize that they're not the first call for your professional news.

你可能珍惜一个老朋友，也知道他不是你谈论感情问题的人选。

You may value a longtime friend and understand they aren't the one to call about romantic relationships.

这不是要通过隐瞒你的生活来惩罚谁。

This is not about punishing someone by withholding your life.

而是要把你脆弱的一面，分享给那些已经证明能妥善对待的人。

It is about sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with people who have shown that they can hold them correctly.

有很多人会在你遇到好事时为你高兴，也有很多地方会为你庆祝。

There are plenty of people who will be happy for you when good things happen, and there are plenty of rooms in which you will be celebrated.

所以，别让一两个扫兴的人，让你在每一个场合都提前退缩。

So don't allow one or two hassleers to make you preemptively shrink in every room.

他们看不惯你的自信，并不代表自信就是傲慢。

Their discomfort with your confidence does not make confidence arrogant.

他们接不住你的快乐，并不代表你的快乐就过头了。

Their inability to hold your happiness does not make your happiness excessive.

如果你发现自己见不得别人好，与其急着辩解，不如好奇一下自己为什么会有这种感觉。

And if you recognize that you struggle when other people succeed, become curious rather than defensive.

嫉妒并不代表你是个坏人。

Jealousy does not make you a bad person.

它可能反映出你生活中的悲伤、恐惧，或者某个未满足的渴望。

It may reveal grief, fear, or an unmet desire in your own life.

但你可以一边感到嫉妒，一边仍然选择慷慨待人。

But you can always feel envy and still choose generosity.

试着多问一个问题，而不是把话题拉回自己身上。

Try asking one more question instead of shifting the conversation back to yourself.

说一句“再多讲讲”，让他们的经历继续成为焦点。

Say, "Tell me more," and allow their experience to remain the focus.

为别人庆祝并不会抢走你的机会。

Celebrating another person does not take an opportunity away from you.

这反而能增强你与人保持联系的能力，即使别人正站在聚光灯下。

It strengthens your capacity to remain connected even when someone else is standing in the light.

本期节目由State Farm赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

我们花了很多精力去成为最好的自己，养成更好的习惯，更全面地展现自己，拥抱正念。

We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness.

但有时候，你能做的最有意义的事情，就是去处理你一直拖延的那件事。

But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off.

如果搞定保险这件事一直挂在你的待办清单上，State Farm可以帮你选择适合你的保险方案。

If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you.

你可以登录statefarm.com，或者使用便捷的应用程序，从他们超过19000名本地代理人那里获得帮助。

Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents.

就像好邻居一样，State Farm随时在你身边。

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

现在，我想聊聊第五个也是最后一个迹象，表明某人可能在消耗你的精力，那就是当你和他们的互动结束后，你还在继续想着这件事。

Now, I want to talk about the fifth and final sign that someone may be draining you, and it's that when your interaction with them ends, you continue carrying it.

停一下，想想上次你遇到这种情况是什么时候。

Pause for a second and think about the last time this happened to you.

你和某人待了一段时间回到家，一部分心思还留在那段对话里。

You return home from spending time with someone, and part of you is still in the conversation.

你反复回想说过的话，琢磨他们的语气，还不断纠结自己的回应。

You replay what was said, analyze their tone, and overthink your responses.

你会想自己是不是说得太多，或者说得太少。

You wonder whether you talked too much or said too little.

你会因为没做得更多而感到内疚，或者因为被期待做些什么而感到不满。

You feel guilty that you did not do more or resentful that you were expected to do anything.

这时候，关系带来的压力的隐性代价就开始变得实实在在。

This is where the hidden cost of relational stress begins to feel tangible.

压力不仅仅来自发生的事情本身。

Stress does not only come from what happens.

压力也可能来自事情结束后，它在心里持续的时间。

It can also come from how long the experience continues within us afterward.

研究人员常用“异稳态负荷”这个词，来描述身体在反复适应压力过程中积累的损耗。

Researchers often use the term allostatic load to describe the accumulated wear placed on the body as it repeatedly adapts to pressure.

我们的压力反应在帮助我们应对挑战后恢复平静时是有用的。

Our stress response is useful when it helps us respond to a challenge and then settle again.

问题在于，当这种反应被过于频繁地触发、持续时间过长，或者从未收到威胁已经过去的明确信号时，就会出问题。

The problem develops when the response is activated too often, remains activated for too long, or never receives a clear signal that the threat has passed.

PNA研究的研究人员认为，负面的社交关系可能像慢性压力一样，反复激活压力反应，并可能促进炎症和削弱免疫功能。

The researchers behind the PNA study suggest that negative social ties may function as chronic stress, repeatedly activating stress responses and potentially contributing to inflammation and poorer immune function.

你可能觉得互动已经结束了，因为人已经离开房间，但你紧咬的下巴、浅促的呼吸、纷乱的思绪和失眠都在说明另一回事。

You may think the interaction is over because the person has left the room, but your clenched jaw, shallow breathing, racing mind, and disrupted sleep tell a different story.

你的身体可能还在试图完成一段你的大脑难以消化的经历。

Your body may still be attempting to complete an experience your mind is struggling with.

我们之所以会反复回想那些互动，是因为我们想找到一个完美的解释。

One reason we carry interactions is that we're trying to find the perfect interpretation.

我们觉得，只要把对话在脑子里多回放几遍，就能弄清楚他们到底是什么意思，我们当时该说什么，或者下次怎么保证结果不一样。

We believe that if we replay the conversation enough times, we will discover what they meant, what we should have said, or how we can guarantee a different outcome next time.

反复琢磨让人觉得好像很有效率，因为脑子一直在转，但这种活动并不等于问题解决了。

Rumination feels productive because the mind is active, but the activity is not the same as resolution.

另一个原因是我们没有分清哪些是自己的责任，哪些是对方的。

Another reason is that we've not separated what belongs to us from what belongs to the other person.

他们的失望让我们觉得自己确实做错了。

Their disappointment feels like evidence of our wrongdoing.

他们的焦虑变成了一个我们得去解决的问题。

Their anxiety becomes a problem we're expected to solve.

所以，知道了这些之后，试着在离开一次困难的交流后，刻意建立一个恢复仪式。如果这个人没法从你生活中消失，这一点尤其重要。

So now knowing this, try to create a deliberate recovery ritual when you leave a difficult interaction moving forward This is especially important if the person cannot be removed from your life.

你可能还得和他们一起工作，照顾他们，住在他们附近，或者在家庭聚会上见到他们。

You may have to work with them, care for them, live near them, or see them at family gatherings.

如果没法总是避免接触，那么恢复就成了边界的一部分。

If exposure cannot always be prevented, recovery becomes part of the boundary.

恢复仪式不一定要很复杂。

A recovery ritual does not have to be complicated.

回家前先走十分钟。

Take a 10-minute walk before returning home.

坐在车里慢慢呼吸，直到感觉身体开始放松下来。

Sit in your car and breathe slowly until you feel your body begin to settle.

动动肩膀，松开下巴，注意一下哪里在紧绷着。

Move your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and notice where you're holding tension.

回到家后，如果脑子还在转个不停，我希望你拿出纸笔，写下四个问题。

When you get home, if your mind is still racing, I want you to pull out a pen and paper and write down four questions.

第一，到底发生了什么？

First, what actually happened?

用可观察到的事实来描述这次互动，而不是用你的解读。

Describe the interaction using observable facts rather than interpretations.

第二，我现在是什么感受？

Second, what am I feeling?

说出你的情绪，但不要评判它。

Name the emotion without judging it.

第三，哪些是我的责任？

Third, what belongs to me?

也许你答应了自己不想做的事，或者没有说出该说的话。

Maybe you agreed to something you did not want to do or avoided saying what needed to be said.

承担你自己的那部分责任，但不要为整段关系负责。

Take responsibility for your part without taking responsibility for the whole relationship.

最后，哪些是他们的责任？

And finally, what belongs to them?

他们的反应、他们的假设、他们的选择，以及他们的情绪处理，都是他们自己的事。

Their reaction, their assumptions, their choices, and their emotional work belong to them.

你可以关心这些，但不必把它们当作自己的事去解决。

You can care about those things without carrying them as if they are yours to resolve.

写完之后，在纸上写下“结束”两个字。

After you've written this out, write "The End" on the paper.

提醒自己，你不需要把这件事一直带在身上。

Remind yourself you don't need to carry this forward.

大脑往往需要一个明确的信号，告诉自己反思已经结束，生活可以重新开始了。

The mind often needs a deliberate signal that reflection has ended, and the rest of your life is allowed to begin.

这种恢复方式并不能解决关系问题，但它能防止一次互动毁掉你的一整天。

This form of recovery does not solve the relationship, but it prevents one interaction from governing your entire day.

你在教自己，别人可以影响你的一时，但不会自动影响你之后的每一刻。

You are teaching yourself that another person may affect a moment without automatically gaining access to every moment that follows.

接下来是《连接文化》环节，由Chase Sapphire Reserve为您呈现。

And now it's time for Connecting with Culture, presented to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve.

旅行能带我们去新的地方，但真正的礼物是它教会我们的东西。

Travel can take us somewhere new, but the real gift is what it teaches us.

每种文化都有自己的传统、视角和看待世界的方式。

Every culture has its own traditions, perspectives, and ways of seeing the world.

当我们花时间去理解它们，我们就会开始用新的眼光看待自己的生活。

When we take the time to understand them, we begin to see our own lives with fresh eyes.

Chase Sapphire Reserve 能让你的旅程无论去哪里都更有收获。

Chase Sapphire Reserve helps make those journeys more rewarding wherever they take you.

我喜欢旅行的一点是，你会发现很多我们觉得理所当然的事情，其实只是因为我们习惯了而已。

One of the things I love about traveling is realizing how many of the things we think are normal are really just what we're used to.

你去到一个新地方，突然发现人们吃饭的方式不一样，对家庭的看法不一样，庆祝的方式不一样，或者对工作和休息的态度完全不同。

You go somewhere new and suddenly people approach meals differently, they think about family differently, they celebrate differently, or they have a completely different relationship with work and rest.

我觉得亲身经历这些真的很有力量。

And I think there's something really powerful about experiencing that firsthand.

对我来说，在印度待过的时间不断提醒我社区和联系的重要性。

For me, spending time in India has continually reminded me of the importance of community and connection.

围坐在一起吃饭、为家人留出时间、和人们在一起的那种感觉，无论我在世界哪个角落，都一直伴随着我。

There's something about gathering around food, making time for family, and being present with people that has stayed with me wherever I am in the world.

我觉得这就是旅行给我们最大的机会之一。

And I think that's one of the greatest opportunities travel gives us.

你不需要回到家就改变你的整个生活。

You don't have to come home and change your entire life.

有时候你只需要带回一个想法、一个习惯，或者一种新的视角，就能让自己的生活更丰富一点。

Sometimes you just bring back one idea, one ritual, or one new perspective that makes your own life a little richer.

旅行可以提醒我们，创造有意义生活的方式有很多种。

Travel can remind us that there are so many different ways to create a meaningful life.

当我们对别人的生活方式保持好奇时，我们也会更了解自己。

And when we stay curious about how other people live, we also learn a lot about ourselves.

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Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve.

卡片由摩根大通银行（JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A.）发行，FDIC成员。

Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A. Member FDIC.

需经信用审批。

Subject to credit approval.

适用条款。

Terms apply.

听完这五个迹象，你可能很容易就开始在心里给身边的每个人贴标签。

After hearing these five signs, it may be easy to start mentally labeling everyone in your life.

你可能会想到那个抱怨太多的朋友，那个爱问让人不舒服问题的家人，或者那个每次聊天都抢着说话的同事。

You may think about the friend who complains too much, the family member who asks intrusive questions, or the colleague who dominates every conversation.

但我们要避免把自我觉察变成一场审判，把所有让我们不爽的人都判有罪。

But we need to resist turning self-awareness into a trial where everyone who frustrates us is found guilty.

研究并不是说人际关系对我们不好。

The research does not say that relationships are bad for us.

几十年的证据表明，强大的社交联系有助于我们的认知健康、身体健康和长寿。

Decades of evidence show that strong social connection can support our cognitive health, physical health, and longevity.

我们知道，孤独和社交隔离也与严重的健康风险有关。

We know that loneliness and social isolation are also associated with serious health risks.

目标不是创造一个没有人让你失望、惹你生气、挑战你或需要你的生活。

The goal is not to create a life where no one ever disappoints, frustrates, challenges, or needs you.

那样的生活不会有亲密感。

That life would not contain intimacy.

每一段有意义的关系都需要付出某种情感劳动。

Every meaningful relationship is going to require some form of emotional labor.

总会有那么一段时间，你爱的人需要的东西超出了他们能给予的。

There will be seasons when someone you love needs more than they can give.

当你正处在人生最快乐的阶段时，朋友可能正在经历悲伤、疾病、离婚或抑郁。

A friend may experience grief, illness, divorce, or depression while you're in the happiest phases of your life.

健康的关系并不是每次对话都完全平衡的。

Healthy relationships are not perfectly balanced in every conversation.

真正的互惠是在时间中显现出来的。

True reciprocity becomes visible across time.

当你因为一个让你烦恼的人而长期承受关系压力时，你可以在无限接触和彻底断绝之间做出选择。

When you are experiencing chronic relational stress from a hassler, there are choices between unlimited access and complete removal.

你可以缩短每周的通话时间，而不是结束这段关系。

You can shorten a weekly call instead of ending the relationship.

你可以在群体中见某人，而不是单独见面。

You can see someone in a group rather than alone.

你可以不再讨论那个总是会引发冲突的话题。

You can stop discussing the one subject that always becomes destructive.

你可以延迟回复，而不是因为着急就立刻回应。

You can delay your reply rather than responding from urgency.

记住，边界不只是我们对别人说的话。

Remember, boundaries are not just statements we make to people.

它们是我们准备采取的行动。

They're actions we're prepared to take.

“你不能这样跟我说话”只是一个请求，除非你知道如果他们继续这样对你说话，你会怎么做。

"You cannot speak to me that way" is a request unless you know what you will do if they continue to speak to you that way.

真正的边界是知道，如果再次被这样对待，你会直接结束这段互动。

A true boundary is knowing that if you are spoken to that way again, you will simply end the interaction.

边界并不能保证对方会理解、同意或改变。

A boundary does not guarantee that the other person will understand, agree, or change.

它只是明确了如果他们不改变，你会如何回应和参与。

It just clarifies how you will respond and participate if they don't change.

而他们对你的界限的反应，并不能证明你的界限是错的。

And their reaction to your boundary is not proof that the boundary was wrong.

所以下次当某个人的名字出现在你手机上，而你的身体立刻出现压力反应时，先停下来。

So the next time someone's name appears on your phone and your body responds with stress signals, pause.

不要马上给他们贴上“有毒”的标签，也不要立刻觉得自己自私。

Do not immediately label them as toxic, and do not immediately label yourself as selfish.

试着好奇一下，你的这种反应到底想告诉你什么。

Become curious about what your reaction is trying to show you.

问问自己，这段关系反复要求我承担什么？

Ask yourself, what does this relationship repeatedly ask me to carry?

在这个人身边，我变成了什么样的人？

Who do I become around this person?

是不是有什么界限、期待或者相处模式需要改变？

And is there a boundary, expectation, or pattern that needs to change?

我们生活中的人，影响的不仅仅是我们的日程和心情。

The people in our lives affect more than our calendars and our moods.