Ask Jay：在哀伤中如何继续前行？

嘿，我是杰。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但刚才我想了你一会儿，希望你对自己耐心一点，因为你值得，是的。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute, and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it, and yeah.

我很快再联系你。

I'll talk to you soon.

这个系列是为你需要的不只是屏幕上的消息的那些时刻而设计的。

This series is designed for the moments that require more than just a message on a screen.

每一集，你发来语音留言，描述那些打字都觉得太沉重的处境，我会听每一段，然后我们一起往前找办法。

Every episode, you send in your voice notes detailing the situations that feel like too much to type, and I listen to each one so we can find a way forward together.

今天，我们开聊关于失去亲人的话题。

Today, we're opening up a conversation about grief.

我们常常寻找终点线，希望痛苦终于结束，或者希望我们能到达一个不再悲伤的时刻。

We often look for a finish line, hoping that the pain will finally end or that we will reach a point where we're no longer sad.

但悲伤不是一个目的地。

But grief is not a destination.

这是一种我们常常背负的重量，同时还要努力去体验喜悦、内疚和爱。

It's a weight that we carry often while trying to experience joy, guilt, and love all at the same time.

今天，我们为这份重量留出空间。

Today, we're holding space for that weight.

感谢你们信任我，愿意分享你们的故事。

Thank you for trusting me with your stories.

让我们开始吧。

Let's dive in.

嗨，Jay。

Hi, Jay.

四年前，我儿子被诊断出患有Aicardi-Goutières综合征，一种罕见的、会缩短寿命的遗传病，那一刻一切都变了。

Four years ago, everything changed when my son was diagnosed with Aicardi-Goutieres syndrome, a rare life-shortening genetic condition.

就在一瞬间，我原本想象的未来消失了。

In one moment, the future I had imagined disappeared.

从那时起，我学会了悲伤和喜悦可以同时存在。

Since then, I've learned that grief and joy can exist at the same time.

我的儿子让我体会到了我从未想象过的深沉的爱。

My son has taught me a depth of love I never knew was possible.

但面对这种进行性疾病，每次当我以为自己终于站稳脚跟时，生活又会发生变化。

But living with a progressive condition means that just when I feel like I've found solid ground again, life changes.

最近，他患上了癫痫，突然间，我以为已经克服的所有恐惧又涌了上来。

Recently, he developed epilepsy, and suddenly all the fears I thought I had worked through came rushing back.

我慢慢在接受这样一个事实：我得不断蜕变。

I'm learning to accept that I'll have to keep becoming.

我想做有意义的工作，甚至想自己创业，帮助像我们这样的家庭。

I want to build meaningful work, maybe even become self-employed supporting families like ours.

但我们的生活实在太不稳定了。

But our life is so unpredictable.

有时，当生活可能一夜改变时，梦想未来感觉根本不可能。

Sometimes it feels impossible to dream about the future when life can change overnight.

所以我想问你：当地面不断塌陷时，你怎么建立有意义的生活和目标感？

So my question to you is: how do you build a meaningful life and a sense of purpose when the ground beneath your feet keeps changing?

非常感谢。

Thank you so much.

首先，我想先花点时间表达一下，你真的很勇敢，很坚强，很有勇气，也非常了不起。

First of all, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge how brave, how resilient, how courageous, and how incredible you are.

听到你的经历，我真的觉得自己很渺小，很受触动。你走过了人生中最艰难的一段时光，还能这样面对挑战，真的让我很佩服。

Hearing from you has actually made me realize how humbled I feel just hearing about how you've navigated one of the most difficult times in your life, how you're approaching these challenges.

所以我希望你能花点时间善待自己，给自己一些宽容，多爱自己一些。因为你的心态真的很令人难以置信。

So I hope you take a moment to give yourself some grace, give yourself some compassion, show yourself some love, because it's unbelievable, your mindset.

而且，即使在这种时候，你还在想着如何做更有意义的工作，如何为世界创造价值，如何产生影响，如何为社区做贡献。

And the fact that even in this time, you're thinking about how you can do more meaningful work in the world, how you can add value, how you can have an impact, how you can do things in your community.

这真的非常美好。

It's truly, truly beautiful.

不确定性是生活中唯一确定的事情，而你每天都在经历这一点。

Uncertainty is the only certainty in life, and you're experiencing that every single day.

就像你说的，你有时候在医院之间奔波，觉得一切都安全了，然后又有新的事情让你措手不及。

As you said, you're either running around between hospitals, you think everything's safe, and then something surprises you again.

但如果有意义的工作不是在这个时刻之后你做的事呢？

But what if the meaningful work wasn't what you did after this moment?

但如果有意义的工作就是当下呢？

But what if the meaningful work is this moment?

如果你的目标正是你现在正在做的事呢？

What if your purpose is exactly what you're doing right now?

我觉得有时候我们喜欢相信，我们的目标在外面，之后会找到，会以某种方式遇见它。

I think sometimes we like to believe that our purpose is out there, that we'll find it afterwards, that we'll come across it in some way.

但现实是，这就是生活现在要求你做的事情。

But in reality, this is what life is asking of you right now.

所以我想让你卸下那个压力。

So I want you to take that pressure off.

而实际上，你已经表现得很出色了，但你心里却在评判自己。

And in reality, you're passing with flying colors, but in your mind, you're judging yourself.

你在怀疑这是否有意义。

You're questioning whether it's meaningful.

你在怀疑自己是不是走对了路。

You're questioning whether you're on the right path.

所以我想提醒你，你走对了路。

And so I want to remind you, you are on the right path.

我还想跟你说的是，因为你的生活充满了不确定性，你要做的是找到一个对你自己来说确定不变的习惯。

What I'd also like to add to you is, because there's so much uncertainty in your life, what you want to do is find one habit that is certain for you.

这个习惯你每天都会做，它会成为你的一个基础。

This one habit that you do every day that becomes a foundation for you.

比如每天喝一杯咖啡，不管你在医院、在家还是在哪里。

It could be having your cup of coffee every single day, whether you're in the hospital, at home, or wherever you are.

比如确保自己每天看一集最喜欢的剧，因为那是你一天中真正需要的逃避。

It could be making sure that you watch one episode of your favorite show because that's an escape that you really need throughout the day.

比如给朋友或家人打个电话，不是为了帮他们，而是为了让自己得到安慰。

It could be jumping on the phone with a friend or a family member, not to help them, but to be held yourself.

每天为自己做一点事，不需要太多时间，也不需要太多精力，这样你就能在周围所有的不确定性中，找到一种确定感、一个模式和一种节奏。

It's doing something for yourself every day that requires a little bit of time, not too much effort, and so that you feel you have a certainty and a pattern and a rhythm in all of the uncertainty around you.

如果每天能有一个你能控制、能专注的习惯，它会给你一种确定感和稳定感，让你在不稳定的日子里有一个核心的根基。

If there can be one habit every day that you can control, that you can focus on, it will give you a sense of certainty and stability and a core foundation in an otherwise rocky day.

我不希望你觉得自己必须等到做出有意义的工作才行。

I don't want you to wait to feel like you have to build meaningful work.

我不希望你觉得自己必须等到未来才能做有意义的事。

I don't want you to think you have to wait till the future to do something meaningful.

你已经在做有意义的事了，这就是路。

You're already doing something meaningful, and this is the path.

我向你保证，你从这一刻获得的所有经历、所有智慧、所有洞察，都会给你所需要的一切，去构建未来的目标。

And I promise you, all the experiences, all the wisdom, all the insight you gain from this moment, it will give you everything you need to build a future purpose.

它会给你所需的每一项技能、每一个工具、每一种心态，让你在最终到达那里时做好准备。

It will give you every skill, every tool, every mindset you need in order to be ready for that when you finally get to it.

但你现在不必承受那种压力。

But you don't need to carry that pressure right now.

你已经承受了太多。

You're already carrying so much.

你活在现实中，现实允许两种真相并存。

You're living in reality, which allows for two truths to exist.

你一边为你想象中儿子的未来感到伤心，一边又爱着眼前这个真实的孩子，这两者同时都是真实的。

You're grieving the future that you'd imagined for your son while loving the actual child in front of you, and both are true at the same time.

谁也不会抵消谁，谁也不会比谁更重要。

Neither cancels each other out, and neither is more or less important.

有意义的生活是在你当下能触及的不确定性中建立起来的，而不是等它结束后才开始。

A meaningful life gets built inside the uncertainty in the present that you can touch, not after it ends.

最后我想留给你这样一句话。

And I want to leave you with this.

你能在不确定性中建立起什么样的生活，而不是先等它结束？

What kind of life could you build inside the uncertainty instead of waiting for it to end first?

Instagram 青少年账号自带保护功能，能限制谁可以联系青少年、他们能看到的内容以及他们在应用上花费的时间。

Instagram Teen Accounts come with automatic protections that limit who can contact teens, the content they can see, and the time they spend on the app.

在 instagram.com/teenaccounts 了解更多关于青少年账号和 Instagram 持续保护青少年在线安全的内容。

Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

嗨，杰伊。

Hi, Jay.

我有一个朋友，或者说我们已经不算朋友了，但她是我大学时期的挚友，从我们十几岁到三十出头，可能有一段时间我会说，这个朋友比任何人都懂我。

I have a friend, or I guess we're not really friends anymore, but she was my best friend from college, from our late teen years into our early 30s, and there was probably a time where I would've said that this friend got me more than anyone else.

她生活中遇到了很多问题，家庭和心理健康方面，而且她并不总是能在我需要的时候出现，这导致了一个循环，我不知道该为了自我保护而离开，还是该留下来陪她，尽管这样我会受伤。

She's dealt with a lot of issues in her life with family and mental health and hasn't always been able to show up for me in the way that I need, which has led to a cycle of not knowing whether to walk away for my own self-protection or stay and be there for her despite getting hurt when I do.

去年，我一直在联系她，问她为什么不再出现在我的生活中，她就是不回我。

Last year, I kept reaching out, asking why she wasn't in my life anymore, and she just stopped responding.

我们三个月没说话，我真的以为我做错了什么。

We went three months without speaking, and I genuinely thought I'd done something wrong.

她总是回复消息很慢，一次回一大串，但这次不一样。

She was always just bad with her phone, responding in batches, but this was different.

她终于联系了我，说她很后悔，很想我，不知道为什么会突然消失，她希望我一直是她生活中的朋友。

She reached out finally and said how regretful she was, that she missed me and didn't know why she disappears on me, that I'm a friend she wants in her life.

她给我看了她记事本里写的话，那是她想告诉我的，我问她为什么不早说，她也没给出什么好的解释。

She showed me a Notes app of things she wrote down she wished she could tell me, and when I asked her why she hadn't just told me, she didn't really have a good answer.

在我们重新联系的那段短暂时间里，她怀孕了并告诉了我，我当然特别开心。

In the short period we were reconnected, she got pregnant and told me, which I was obviously so excited about.

我和她丈夫关系也很好，我还在他们的婚礼上发言了，我当时觉得我们两家能成为一辈子的朋友。

I was close with her husband, I spoke at their wedding, and I could see our families being friends for life.

但大约一个月后，在回答了一个关于我工作的常规问题之后，她又不再回应我了。

But about a month later, after answering a routine question she had about my job, she stopped responding to me again.

现在已经有五个月了，我开始以不同的眼光回顾我们整个友谊。

It's been five months, and I'm starting to look back on our entire friendship differently.

我觉得自己为了维持这段关系已经精疲力尽，我不得不接受，不管是因为她不能还是不想，她都不会给我同样的回应。

I feel like I've exhausted myself trying to have a relationship with her and need to accept that whether it's because she can't or doesn't want to, she's not going to reciprocate.

我也明白了，继续尝试下去只会让我自己更受伤。

And I've learned that it hurts me too much to keep trying.

所以我有两个问题。

So I have two questions.

第一，她很快就要生孩子了，我完全不知道她生产时我会有什么感觉，但如果我不主动联系她祝贺她，我是不是就成了一个坏心眼或者小心眼的人？

One, she's due to have a baby really soon, and I have no idea how I'll feel when she gives birth, but does it make me a bad or petty person if I don't reach out to her to congratulate her?

我的第二个问题是，我内心深处还是觉得这可能只是暂时的，但我该怎么放下这种想法，学会带着感激去怀念我们的友谊，而不是完全困惑、难过，甚至生气呢？

And my second question is, I think I have hope deep down that this is a phase, but how do I let go of that and learn to grieve our friendship with gratitude rather than being completely confused and sad and mad about it?

嘿，非常感谢你提出这个问题。

Hey, thank you so much for your question.

我听到的是，你花了很多时间去维护这段友谊，努力搞清楚到底发生了什么，是怎么回事。

What I'm hearing is that you've spent a lot of time investing in preserving this friendship, trying to understand what's going on and what's happening.

现在改变的其实不是你对朋友的感情没了，而是你开始觉醒和意识到，也许这段关系并不能满足你的需求。

And what's changed now isn't that you don't have feelings for your friend, but in your awakening and realization that maybe this relationship doesn't meet you where you are.

你不想要这种忽冷忽热的联系。

You don't want inconsistent connection.

你不想要一个让你觉得自己没有位置的人。

You don't want someone who makes you feel like you don't know where you stand.

你不想要这种不规律的消息往来和沟通。

You don't want the irregularity of messaging and being in contact.

这些都让你感到不安，而这很正常。

All of that seems to be causing you to feel unnerved, and that's natural.

而且这个人好像也有一个固定的模式。我特别喜欢马娅·安杰卢的一句话：当一个人向你展示他们是谁时，第一次就要相信他们。

It also feels like this person has a pattern, and one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is that when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

我觉得人是可以改变的，也是可以成长的，但当你看到这种模式在几个月甚至几年里反复出现时，你看到的其实就是那个人在说：“这就是我。”

I find that people can change, people can grow, but when you see patterns like this repeated over months and years, what you're getting is the person saying, "This is who I am."

他们不是用这些话说的，但他们是在用行动告诉你，这就是他们，和我建立关系就是这样，以后也会一直这样。

They're not saying it in those words, but they're showing you this is who they are, this is what a relationship with me looks like, and this is how it's going to go.

然后我们就有了选择，决定要和那个人保持多近或多远的距离。

And then we get a choice to decide how close or far we want to stand to that person.

我觉得我们面临的一个挑战是，我们总觉得好的、对的做法是不管别人怎么对待我们，都要和他们保持亲近。

Now, I think the challenge we have is we think that the good thing, the right thing to do, is stay close to people no matter how they treat us.

如果我们爱一个人，就应该和他们保持亲近，因为那是爱的表现。

If we love someone, we should stay close to them because that's a sign of love.

我想向你介绍一个我在我的书《爱的八条规则》里写到的概念，叫做“尊重的半径”。

I want to introduce you to an idea that I wrote about in "The Eight Rules of Love," my book, called Radius of Respect.

我认为，当我爱一个人时，我想站得离他们多近或多远，取决于我是否还能尊重他们。

I believe that when I love someone, I want to stand as close to them or as far away based on me still being able to respect them.

我生活中有一些我爱的人，如果我和他们待太久，或者太投入、太频繁联系，我反而会开始感到厌烦。

There are people I love in my life that if I spend too much time with them, or if I'm too involved or too engaged or reaching out too much, I actually start to feel bitter.

我甚至可能会心生怨恨。

I could even start to feel resentment.

所以我意识到，如果我想继续爱他们、尊重他们，我就得稍微拉开点距离，这可能意味着不再每周联系一次，而是每个季度才联系一次。

And so I realize I've got to step a little further away if I want to continue to love and respect them, which may mean instead of talking to someone once a week, I only check in once a quarter.

也就是说，我可能一年才联系一次。

It means I only check in once a year.

关键是，如果我想爱一个人，想继续尊重一个人，断开联系并不是不尊重。

The point is, if I want to love someone, if I want to continue to respect someone, I'm not being disrespectful by disconnecting.

有时候，尊重和爱一个人唯一的方式就是保持距离，因为只有这样我们才能保留那段关系的美好愿景、你们共同的美好回忆、一起经历的精彩时刻，而不让它们因为过于频繁的接触而自然产生的怨恨、痛苦、压力和不满而丢失。

Sometimes the only way to respect and love someone is through distance, because that's the only way we can keep that beautiful vision we had of the relationship, the wonderful memories that you've shared, the amazing experiences that you have had, and not lose them to bitterness, pain, stress, and resentment that naturally comes from engaging too often.

我想很多朋友在人生中都会经历这些转变，尤其是长期的友谊，你发现自己几乎不得不跟某人设定界限，或者你得重新确立新的联系标准。

I think a lot of friends go through these transitions in their life, especially long-term friendships, where you find out or realize you have to almost set a boundary with someone, or you have to reestablish your new standards of connection.

也许你有一个曾经每天联系的朋友，而现在你意识到情况不再是这样了。

Maybe you had a friend that you spoke to every single day, and now you realize that's not the case.

这很难，因为你会显得很小气。

And that's hard because you look petty.

你会看起来像坏人。

You look like the bad guy.

你会像是那个主动疏远的人，像个坏人，但你不想给人那种印象。

You look like the bad person who's the one pulling away, and you don't want to look that way.

但实际上，你越靠近那个人，就越不喜欢他们。

But in reality, the closer you get to that person, the more you don't like them.

你越和他们互动，就越会对他们产生负面情绪。

The more you engage with them, the more you actually feel bad feelings towards them.

那么，不想主动联系，难道就显得你小气或是个坏人吗？

So does it make you petty or a bad person to not want to reach out?

不是的，因为你一直都在，你也在乎，而且你允许自己保持距离地关心。

No, because you've been available, you've been around, you do care, and you're allowed to care from a distance.

要说用感恩的心态去哀悼一段关系，关键在于你站得足够近或足够远，以至于你仍然能感受到那份感激。

And when it comes to grieving your relationship with gratitude, it comes from standing far enough or close enough from where you can still experience gratitude.

你不希望离得太近，以至于只看到对方的缺点，也不希望站得太远，只看到好的部分。

You don't want to get so close that you only see their flaws, and you don't want to stand so far that you only see what went right.

你想要站得恰到好处，能说：“我很高兴我曾陪伴过他们。”

You want to stand just close enough that you can say, "I'm glad I was there for them.

我仍然在这里支持他们，但如果我靠得太近，对双方都不好。

I'm still here for them But actually, if I get too close, that's not good for either of us.

有时候，我们试图离某人太近，反而把自己或对方推得更远；而有时候，我们只要退开一点距离，就能重新学会相互尊重。

Sometimes we can try to be so close to someone that we push ourselves away from them or push them away, and sometimes we can move just far enough from where we can learn to respect each other again.

断开联系和保持距离，往往能帮助我们长期与所爱之人重新连接。

Disconnecting and distance can often help us reconnect in the long term with someone we love.

断开联系并不意味着不尊重。

Disconnect is not disrespect.

我想和大家分享一篇詹妮弗·西尼尔文章里我最喜欢的一句话，那篇文章叫《让你心碎的是你的朋友》。

I wanted to share with you one of my favorite quotes from an article by Jennifer Senior called "It's Your Friends Who Break Your Heart."

“友谊的结束没有相应的词汇，也没有仪式来纪念它的终结。”

"There's no vocabulary for the end of a friendship, no rituals to mark its demise.

当一段恋情结束时，你有一个故事可以讲。

When a romantic relationship ends, you have a story to tell.

而当友谊结束时，它通常只是悄无声息地消失在一个令人困惑的寂静角落里。

When a friendship ends, it usually just vanishes into a silent, bewildering vault.

朋友离开带来的伤害不仅仅是你失去了他们。

The injury of a friend walking away isn't just that you lose them.

更刺痛的是，他们把所有回忆都留给你一个人，让你独自琢磨，那些回忆对他们来说，是否也像对你那样重要。

It's that they leave you holding all the history alone, wondering if any of it meant to them what it meant to you."

希望这些对你有帮助。

I hope that helps you.

有时候，我觉得阅读关于你感受的文章，理解它们并重新调整自己的心态，可以成为处理情绪的一种美好方式。

Sometimes I find that reading about your feelings, understanding and reframing them for yourself can be a beautiful way of processing how you feel.

最后，我想用一句话来收尾。

And I'll end on this.

如果现在你还没准备好祝福她，那又怎样呢？

What if you don't have to wish her well just yet?

如果这段时间你用来搞清楚自己到底需要什么呢？

What if you take this time to actually see what you need?

有意思的是，我们不想成为别人眼中的坏人，却常常对自己很苛刻。

What's so interesting is that we don't want to be the bad guy to someone else, but we become the bad guy to ourselves.

我们总是给别人空间、理解和同情，我觉得这次也许该把这份善意留给自己。

We are giving space and context and compassion to someone else, and I feel this time could be to give that to yourself.

你好。

Hello.

我现在坐在浴室地板上，想着我妈妈，还有我哥哥。

I'm sitting here on the floor of the bathroom and think about my mother and also my brother.

他们两个都是我需要哀悼的人。

They both are humans that I have to grieve.

一个还活着，另一个已经不在了。

One is alive and the other one is dead.

十多年前，我哥哥结束了自己的生命。

More than a decade ago, my brother unalived himself.

他放弃了与生活的抗争，那是因为我们的母亲，因为她养育我们的方式。

He gave up the fight with life, and it was because of our mother, because the way she raised us.

在那之后，我们都崩溃了。

And after that, we all crashed.

她不是个好妈妈。

She was a bad mom.

她不知道更好的做法。

She didn't knew better.

现在已经有六个多月了，我都没有和她联系过。

It's more than six months now, and I didn't had any contact with her.

我知道她想联系我，但我不想。

She wants to, I know, but I don't want to.

我一直觉得没有她我反而更好。

I keep thinking that I feel better without her.

我的整个身体，我的生活都发生了巨大的变化。

My whole body, my life changed rapidly.

我的问题是，我怎么去哀悼一个还活着的人呢？

My question is, how do I grieve a person that is still alive?

首先，我对你的遭遇深感遗憾。

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

你经历了两次深刻的失去。

You've experienced two profound losses.

你失去了你的兄弟，也失去了你需要的母亲，尽管她还在，但从未真正给过你母爱。

You've got the death of your brother and the loss of the mother you needed but didn't have.

我能感觉到，对你来说，这些故事也交织在一起，我能想象这有多难。

And I can tell that for you, those stories have also intertwined, and I can imagine how hard that is.

我想先说，我猜想你哀悼的并不是现在正在失去母亲，而是终于接受她可能永远不会成为你一直期待的那个母亲。

I want to start off by saying that I'm wondering whether part of your grief isn't about losing your mother now, but about finally accepting that she may never become the mother you've been waiting for.

那是一个相当残酷的醒悟。

And that's a really harsh awakening.

最终认清这个人不会改变，这是一个很残酷的现实。

It's a really harsh reality to finally come to the place where you recognize this person isn't going to change.

她们从来不是那样的。

They never were.

我们总是抱有一种虚假的希望，尤其是对主要照顾我们的人。

There's almost a false hope that we have, especially with our primary carers.

对于父母，至少一开始，你会觉得他们像超人一样。

When it comes to our parents, you, in the beginning at least, see them as superhuman.

你觉得他们永远不会做错事。

You see them as someone who could never do anything wrong.

你会觉得他们承载着你的希望和梦想，应该为你着想，关心你，把你放在第一位。

You see them as people that carry your hopes, your dreams, that they should carry your best interests, care about you, put you first.

但随着时间的推移，你开始发现真相：他们也会犯错，他们也是普通人，也有自己的需求、情感和弱点。

And then as time goes on, you start to see the truth, that they're fallible, that they're human too, that they have needs and emotions and weaknesses.

当你开始看到这些，意识到他们的局限，意识到他们让你失望，伤害了你，最终接受这一切时，确实是很难受的。

When you start to see that, and you start to recognize that they're limited and that they've let you down and that they've caused you pain, it can be really harsh when you finally accept that.

听你这么说，我觉得你并不是真的在为失去她而悲伤。

From listening to you, I believe you're not really grieving her.

你在哀悼的，是你希望她成为的那个版本。

You're grieving the version of her that you wanted to be real.

你在哀悼的，是你曾希望她能陪在你身边的那个版本。

You're grieving the version of her that you had hoped would be there for you.

你在哀悼的，是你曾想象某天可能会实现的那个版本。

You're grieving the version of her that you'd imagined could be possible one day.

而且，哀悼并不意味着你对这个人没有感情了。

And grieving doesn't mean that you stop having emotions for this person.

只是你终于接受了现实本来的样子，不再需要一个不同的结局。

It's just that you finally are accepting reality for what it is, and you don't need it to be different.

所以，哀悼一个还活着的人的方式是，你认识到从他们那里得到的爱是真实的，而你的期望并不是真的。

So the way you grieve someone who's still alive is you recognize that what you received from them was real, and what you hoped from them wasn't true.

哀悼的方式是接受你真实经历和体验过的东西，而不是你在想象中渴望的东西。

The way you grieve is to accept what you lived and experienced in reality, not what you wished for in imagination.

你认识到，你得到的就是他们能给予的，你没有活在他们潜力的幻想中。

That you recognize that what you got was what they could give, and you didn't live in the dream of their potential.

要做到这一点，过程是复杂而混乱的。

And in order to do that, it's a mixed, messy process.

会有遗憾、痛苦、内疚、爱、关心和同情，我鼓励你感受所有这些情绪，允许它们同时存在。

There'll be feelings of regret, of pain, of guilt, of love, of care, of compassion, and I'd encourage you to feel all of it, allow for all of it to coexist.

我觉得我们的大脑有时候喜欢把事情简单分类，非得选边站。

I think our minds sometimes like to put things in neat boxes and have to choose and take sides.

但实际上，我们的情感要复杂得多，允许它们同时存在、一起呼吸是非常重要的。

In reality, our emotions are far more variegated and multifaceted, and it's so important that we allow all of them to coexist and co-breathe.

在我的播客里，我和拉马尼博士聊过好几次，最近一次就是关于断绝联系的。

On my podcast, I've had several conversations with Dr. Ramani, and the most recent one was all about going no contact.

断绝联系是有区别的，是为了自我保护，还是为了惩罚。惩罚是想让对方难受。

And there's a difference between going no contact because of self-protection versus punishment Punishment is when we want the other person to feel bad.

自我保护是想让自己感到安全。

Self-protection is when we want to feel safe.

我觉得你现在感觉身体好多了，是因为你感到安全，这一点很重要，值得保护。

I think right now it feels like your body is feeling better because you feel safe, and that's an important thing to protect.

有一本很棒的书叫《模糊的丧失》，讲的是如何学会与未解的悲伤共存。作者保利娜·博斯分享了一段话，我想分享给你。

There's an incredible book called "Ambiguous Loss," which is all about learning to live with unresolved grief, and the author, Pauline Boss, shares this that I wanted to share with you.

“模糊的丧失是最令人痛苦的一种丧失，因为它始终悬而未决。

"Ambiguous loss is the most stressful kind of loss because it remains unclear.

没有尘埃落定的时刻，也没有官方确认某人已经不在了。

There's no closure, no official verification that someone is gone.

他们在心里明明还在，但在现实中却已缺席。

They are present in mind but absent in reality.

要从模糊的丧失中痊愈，你必须学会同时接受两个对立的念头。

To heal from ambiguous loss, you must learn to live with two opposing thoughts at once.

他们已经不在了，可他们又还在。

They are gone, and they are still here.

我爱他们，同时我也必须放手。”

I love them, and I must let go of them."

最后我想留给你一个问题：你愿意在多大程度上接受真实的她，而不是你想象中的那个她？

The question I'll leave you with is this, how much are you willing to accept the mom that she was in reality versus the one she was in imagination?

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疫情期间，我爸爸住院了。

During COVID, my dad was admitted to the hospital.

大约有几周时间。

It was a few weeks.

他最终被诱导昏迷了。

He ended up in an induced coma.

我们被告知他可能活不下来了。

We were being told he might not live.

顺便说一下背景，我的爸爸是我最好的朋友之一，是我生命里至关重要的人，而且我从来没有经历过亲人离世。

And some backstory, my dad is one of my absolute best friends, a core person, and I have never had anyone die in my life yet.

我的祖父母和外祖父母都还在世。

I still have all my grandparents.

我的直系家人、姑姑叔叔、表亲都还健在。

I have my immediate family, my aunts and uncles, cousins.

这将是我第一次经历死亡，而且还是如此艰难的失去。

This would be the first death and a hard death.

所以，我仿佛瞥见了、也感受到了失去一个重要的人会是什么样子。

So I kind of saw a glimpse into and felt a glimpse of what mourning a core person would be like.

我很高兴地告诉大家，他醒过来了，一切都好。

I am happy to report he woke up, and everything's okay.

现在离这件事已经过去几年了，我们家的关系比以往任何时候都好。

We're a few years removed now from this, and our family is doing better than ever.

我想问的是，你如何预见那种情况会是什么样子，感受那种情况会是什么样子，却仍然能够充分享受生活而不感到恐惧？

I guess my question would be, how do you see what that was going to look like, feel what that was going to look like, and still be able to fully enjoy life without being terrified?

因为现在我非常深爱我的家人，但永生的泡沫破灭了，因为我们不是永生的，现在这让人害怕。

Because now I love my people so deeply, yet the bubble of immortality popped because we're not, and now that's just scary.

当你知道坏事会是什么感觉时，你怎么享受好时光呢？

How do you enjoy the good when you know how the bad's going to feel?

非常感谢你的提问。

Thank you so much for your question.

我想先谈谈疫情期间发生的事情，尽管你爸爸挺过来了，我真的很高兴听到这个消息，但你似乎经历了一种预感性悲伤，对吧？

I want to start by just acknowledging what happened during COVID, and even though your dad survived, which I'm really happy to hear, it sounds like you experienced a kind of anticipatory grief, right?

几个星期以来，你一直生活在最好的朋友可能去世的可能性中，这是一种真实的人类体验，它改变了你看待世界的方式，这很有道理。

For weeks, you were living with the possibility that your best friend might die, and that's a real human experience, and it makes sense that it changed how you see the world.

所以首先，我希望你把我说的每一句话都放在这个背景下去理解。

So first of all, I want you to think about everything I say through that lens.

你经历了一件人生大事，这件事改变了你看世界的方式。

You went through a life experience that has altered how you see the world.

你再也不会用原来的眼光看世界了，而且这是件好事。

You will no longer see the world the same, and that's a good thing.

没关系。

It's okay.

你的生命经历了一次进化，一次转变，让你用不同的方式看待世界。

You've had a life evolution, a transition that has made you look at the world differently.

我在想，改变的可能不是你感受快乐的能力，而是你对所爱之人有多珍贵的认知。

And I'm wondering if what changed wasn't your capacity for joy, it was your awareness of how precious the people you love really are.

所以你看着这一切，心里想：天哪，我都不知道该怎么快乐了。

So you're looking at it and thinking, "Gosh, I don't know how to have joy anymore."

但实际上，不是你不能创造快乐了，而是你真的看到了这些关系有多短暂、多无常，同时又是多么珍贵。

But it's not your lack of ability to create joy, it's actually looking at how ephemeral and how transient, but also how precious these relationships truly are.

所以我觉得我们得换个角度来看待你所看到的这一切。

And so I think we have to almost reframe what you're seeing.

是的，你确实看到跟爱的人在一起的时间变少了，但你也在意识到他们有多珍贵，我希望你往这个方向去想，认识到这个人更加珍贵。

Yes, you're seeing you have less time with the people you love, but you're realizing how much more precious they are, and I want you to lean into that side to recognize this person is more precious.

这个人更加了不起。

This person is more amazing.

这一刻比任何其他时刻都更特别。

This moment is more special than any other.

当我们换个角度看同一个情况，重点就变了。

When we reframe that viewpoint from which we're looking at the same situation, it changes where the emphasis is.

我们还是知道事情有尽头，但我们也知道它们更重要、更有意义。

We still recognize things have an end, but we recognize that they're more important and they matter more.

矛盾的是，知道会失去并不一定要夺走快乐。

The paradox is that the awareness of loss doesn't have to take away joy.

对很多人来说，随着时间推移，这反而成了他们更充分地品味平凡时刻的原因。

For many people, over time, it becomes the very reason they actually savor ordinary moments more fully.

那种总有一天会带来悲伤的爱，也正是让今天的对话、欢笑和拥抱变得有意义的东西。

The love that will one day make grief possible is also what makes today's conversations, laughter, and hugs meaningful.

这就是我希望你记住的。

Here's what I want you to remember.

知道某件事会结束，才让它有了价值。

Knowing that something will end is what gives it value.

如果它会永远持续下去，那它就失去了价值。

If it was going to last forever, it would lose its value.

如果你以为能和一个人永远在一起，你就会把每时每刻都当成理所当然。

If you thought you had forever with someone, you would take every moment for granted.

当你知道你和某人只有短暂的时光时，你会深深地珍惜每一刻。

When you know you only have a few moments with someone, you take them all in deeply.

所以是的，对你和某人剩下的时间抱有悲观消极的看法是很自然的。

And so yes, it's natural to have a morbid negative view to the amount of time you have left with someone.

我们更容易感到恐惧，而不是找到快乐，这很自然。

It's natural for us to fear more than it is for us to find joy.

这就是我们的天性。

It's how we're wired.

但我认为，真正美好的在于，能够如此专注于当下，以至于忘记过去和未来。

But I think that's the beautiful thing, to actually be so present in the moment that you forget the past and the future.

如此沉浸在对方的眼神、深情的注视、牵手的时刻、拥抱的温暖中，以致忘记了过去和未来，因为真正存在的只有此时此刻。

To be so immersed in that person's eyes, their loving glance, the holding of their hands, their embrace, that you forget the past and the future because all that really exists is this moment right now.

我想和你分享泰国森林派大师阿姜查的一个深刻教导，叫做《破碎的杯子》。

I want to share with you a profound teaching by Thai forest master Ajahn Chah called The Broken Cup.

他教导说，接受一件物品终将破碎的事实，你就能在当下充分欣赏它的美，而不会在它最终失去时感到痛苦。

He taught that by accepting an object will inevitably break, you can appreciate its beauty fully in the present moment without suffering when it is eventually lost.

这个教导叫做“杯子已经碎了”。

It's called The Glass Is Already Broken.

他说：“你看到这个杯子了吗？

He says, "You see this glass?

对我来说，这个杯子已经碎了。”

For me, this glass is already broken.

我很享受它，用它喝水。

I enjoy it, I drink out of it.

它盛水盛得很好，有时还能映出美丽的阳光图案。

It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns.

如果我轻轻敲它，它会有悦耳的响声。

If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it.

但当我把它放在架子上，风把它吹倒，或者我的胳膊把它从桌上碰掉，它掉到地上摔碎时，我会说：‘当然会这样。’

But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.'

当我明白杯子已经碎了，那么与它相处的每一刻都变得珍贵。”

When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."

你看，我们无法控制结局。

See, we can't control the end.

我们无法控制它怎么发生、什么时候发生、为什么发生。

We can't control how it happens, when it happens, why it happens.

但知道它一定会发生，我们就能控制现在做什么，而这正是我们每个时刻、每天、每月、每年都要做的选择。

But knowing it's going to happen, we can control what we do now, and it is a choice we have to make every moment, every day, every month, every year.

我们可以选择看着它，想它已经碎了，那我该怎么珍惜它呢？

We can either choose to look at it and think it's already broken, so how can I appreciate it?

我该怎么和它相处？

How can I engage with it?

或者我们看着它说："它已经碎了，所以让我充分利用它。

Or we can look at it and say, "It's already broken, and therefore, let me make the most of it.

让我真正活在当下。"

Let me be truly present."

最后我想说这句话。

I'll leave you with this.

爱一个人的代价是悲伤，这笔代价值得付出，但不要提前支付。

The cost of loving people is grief, and it's worth paying, but not in advance.

反正你迟早会经历失去某人的痛苦。

You're going to experience the pain of losing someone anyway.

只是别提前付这个代价。

Just don't pay that price upfront.

感谢你信任我，分享你的故事。

Thank you for trusting me with your stories.

你背负了很多，希望今天让你想起，你不需要一个人扛着所有。

You're carrying a lot, and I hope today reminded you that you don't have to carry it all alone.

继续发那些语音留言吧。

Keep those voice memos coming.

我会一直在。

I'll be here.