如何放下对人生时间表的执念

嘿，我是杰。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但我刚才想你了。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.

我希望你能对自己多一点耐心，因为你值得。

And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it.

对，我很快就会再跟你聊的。

And, yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

我知道我们很多人对生活都有一些期待，想着自己会过成什么样。

I know many of us had certain expectations for how we thought our life would turn out.

很多人因为没有在预期的时间内实现某些梦想或目标，就对自己很失望。

And a lot of us get down on ourselves for not reaching certain dreams or milestones by the time we wanted them done.

但我的看法是，

But here's my take.

真正阻碍你的，不是你的过去。

The biggest thing holding you back isn't your past.

真正让你停滞不前的，是你以为会拥有的那个未来。

It's the future you thought you'd have.

年轻的时候，你可能在脑海里描绘过自己现在的生活应该是什么样子。

When you were younger, you probably had a picture in your mind of what your life would look like by now.

也许你想象过自己已经结婚了，或者家里有孩子跑来跑去。

Maybe you imagined you'd be married or you'd have children running around your home.

也许你以为自己终于找到了理想的工作，买了房子，住在另一个城市，或者只是觉得自己已经把所有事情都搞明白了。

Maybe you thought you'd finally have your dream job, own a house, live in a different city, or simply feel like you'd figured everything out.

不管你有没有意识到，在某个时刻，你开始为自己的未来画了一张蓝图。

Whether you realized it or not, somewhere along the way you started writing a blueprint for your future.

但生活总有变数。

Then life happened.

也许蓝图里的一些部分实现了，但其他的没有。

Maybe some parts of that blueprint came true, but others didn't.

也许你发现自己从事了一份从未预料到的职业，住在一个从未计划过的地方，正在从一段你以为会永远的感情中疗伤，或者你还在疑惑，为什么别人都在往前走，而你却还在原地踏步。

Maybe you found yourself in a career you never expected, living somewhere you never planned, healing from a relationship you thought would last forever, or wondering why everyone else seems to be moving through life while you're still standing still.

而且你不知不觉就开始拿现在的生活和你原本以为会过的生活做比较。

And without even noticing it, you began comparing the life you're living to the life you thought you'd be living.

我觉得我们很少谈论这种比较有多痛苦。

I don't think we talk enough about how painful that comparison can be.

我们花太多时间拿自己和别人比，却忽略了一个更常见的比较。

We spend so much time comparing ourselves to other people that we overlook an even more common comparison.

那就是拿今天的自己和原本以为现在应该成为的自己比。

The comparison between who we are today and who we expected to be by now.

有时候，我们比较的对象不是Instagram上的网红，也不是刚升职的同事。

Sometimes the person we're competing with isn't the influencer on Instagram or the coworker who just got promoted.

有时候，是那个二十岁的自己，那时候我们自信地以为自己完全知道生活会怎么发展。

Sometimes it's the 20 year old version of ourselves who confidently believed they knew exactly how life was going to unfold.

你在拿真实的生活和一个想象中的生活比，而现实几乎总是输给这种比较。

You're measuring your real life against an imaginary one, and reality almost always loses to that comparison.

所以今天，我想聊聊放下那些对生活原本的期待。

So today, I wanna talk about letting go of the expectation of what you thought your life would be.

我觉得，如果我们想真正接受这一点，需要理解五个观念。

I think there are five ideas we need to understand if we're ever going to make peace with that.

我们会逐一讨论每个观念，希望这期节目结束时，你能对如何看待未来有一个全新的视角。

We'll go through each concept, and by the end of this episode, I hope you'll have a completely different perspective on how you think about your future.

那我们就开始吧。

So let's dive in.

因为如果过于执着于生活的某一种设想，你可能会错过眼前正在展开的生活中的美好、意义和可能性。

Because holding too tightly to one version of your life can stop you from seeing the beauty, meaning, and possibility in the life that's already unfolding right in front of you.

如果你正是这样，别太苛责自己。

Now, if this is you, don't get down on yourself.

因为有趣的是，心理学研究表明，我们的大脑天生就会制造这种困境。

Because the fascinating part is psychology shows us that our brains are wired to create this exact struggle.

心理学家其实已经研究这个几十年了。

Psychologists have actually been studying this for decades.

在认知行为疗法中，有一个概念叫做“应该”陈述。

In cognitive behavioral therapy, there's a concept called should statements.

这些是我们给自己设定的隐形规则，规定生活应该如何展开。

These are the invisible rules we create about how life is supposed to unfold.

我现在应该已经结婚了。

I should be married by now.

我应该已经想清楚自己的职业方向了。

I should have my career figured out.

我应该已经买房了。

I should own a house.

我不应该还跟室友住在一起。

I shouldn't still be living with roommates.

我应该比现在更快乐。

I should be happier than I am.

“应该”这个词听起来没什么，但它悄悄地把希望变成了义务，把人生节点变成了截止日期。

The word should seems harmless, but it quietly turns hopes into obligations and milestones into deadlines.

“应该”的问题就在这里。

Here's the problem with should.

每次你告诉自己生活不该是现在这个样子，你就是在跟现实较劲。

Every time you tell yourself your life should look different, you're arguing with reality.

你拿眼前真实的生活，去跟一个可能是十年前或十五年前、由更年轻的自己定下的标准作比较。

You're taking the life that's actually in front of you and comparing it to a standard that may have been written ten or fifteen years ago by a younger version of yourself.

当现实不符合那个期待时，你的大脑不会得出结论说，

And when reality doesn't match that expectation, your brain doesn't conclude.

也许这个期待需要更新了。

Maybe the expectation needs updating.

它只会得出结论说，一定是我哪里出了问题。

It concludes, something must be wrong with me.

所以，我想先讲第一点。

So here's the first thing I want to address.

你需要对自己诚实，搞清楚生活中这些“应该”的标准到底是从哪儿来的。

You need to be honest with yourself about where these should benchmarks in your life are actually coming from.

想象一下这个场景。

Imagine this.

那是一个周三的晚上。

It's a Wednesday night.

你吃完晚饭，躺在床上，睡前刷着手机。

You've finished dinner, you're lying in bed scrolling on your phone before you go to sleep.

短短三分钟内，有人宣布订婚，有人刚买了第一套房，大学朋友分享说他们怀了二胎。

In the span of three minutes, someone announces they're engaged, someone else just bought their first house, a friend from college shares they're expecting their second child.

另一个人庆祝自己升任公司副总裁。

Another person celebrates becoming vice president at work.

你放下手机，突然觉得二十分钟前还觉得挺好的生活，现在好像落后了。

You put your phone down and suddenly the life that felt perfectly fine just twenty minutes ago now feels like it's somehow behind.

有意思的是，你可能并不是在想，我希望拥有她那样的生活。

What's fascinating is that you're probably not thinking, I wish I had her exact life.

你在想一些更私人的事情。

You're thinking something much more personal.

我以为我现在已经到那一步了。

I thought I'd be there by now.

那完全是另一种比较。

That's a completely different comparison.

事实上，在过去一代人的时间里，比较这个概念本身已经发生了巨大的变化。

The truth is the concept of comparison itself has changed dramatically over the last generation.

心理学家利昂·费斯廷格在20世纪50年代提出了社会比较理论，指出我们天生就会通过与他人比较来评价自己。

Psychologist Leon Festinger introduced social comparison theory in the nineteen fifties, explaining that we naturally evaluate ourselves by comparing ourselves to others.

那时候，你的比较对象相对有限。

Back then, your comparison group was relatively small.

就是你的兄弟姐妹、同事、邻居，可能还有几个学校的朋友。

It was your siblings, your coworkers, your neighbors, maybe a few friends from school.

如今，在早上喝咖啡之前，你就能把自己的职业和硅谷的创始人比，身材和职业运动员比，财务状况和刚卖掉公司的创业者比，育儿方式和那些在网上发布精心策划的家庭视频的人比。

Today, before you've even had your morning coffee, you can compare your career to a founder in Silicon Valley, your fitness to a professional athlete, your finances to an entrepreneur who just sold their company, and your parenting to someone posting perfectly curated family videos online.

没有哪个大脑是为这么多比较而设计的。

No human brain was designed for that many comparisons.

我们已经从和几个人比较，变成了和成千上万的人比较。

We've gone from comparing ourselves to a handful of people to comparing ourselves to thousands.

而且因为社交媒体展示的是每个人的里程碑，却几乎不展示他们为此度过的那些普通日子，我们开始觉得别人都在前进，而自己却好像原地踏步。

And because social media shows us everyone's milestones but almost none of the ordinary days it took to get there, we begin to believe that everyone else is arriving while we're somehow standing still.

讽刺的是，成千上万的人在同一时刻都有同样的想法。

The irony is that millions of people are having that exact same thought at exactly the same time.

这些比较就像一面镜子，映照出你原本期望的生活状态。

These comparisons become a mirror to where you expected your life to be.

也许22岁的你曾确信自己30岁前会结婚。

Maybe 22 year old you were certain you'd be married by 30.

也许你以为现在已经有孩子了，或者终于会感到自信、经济稳定，或者对自己的目标有了把握。

Maybe you assumed you'd have children by now or that you'd finally feel confident, financially secure, or sure about your purpose.

每一个与内心蓝图不符的生日，都可能开始让人感觉不像庆祝，而更像一张成绩单。

Every birthday that doesn't match that internal blueprint can start to feel less like a celebration and more like a report card.

我想让你思考的问题是：

The question I want you to sit with is this.

那份蓝图是谁写的？

Who wrote that blueprint?

那真的是你自己的想法吗？

Was it truly you?

还是来自你的父母、你的文化、你的朋友、你的学校、你看过的电影、你成长过程中吸收的那些信息？

Or was it your parents, your culture, your friends, your school, the movies you watched, the messages you absorbed growing up?

因为在某个时刻，我们很多人不再把人生里程碑当作令人兴奋的可能性，而是把它们当成了截止日期。

Because somewhere along the way, many of us stopped treating milestones as exciting possibilities and started treating them like deadlines.

一旦里程碑变成了截止日期，每一次绕路都开始感觉像是失败，而不是另一条路。

And once milestones become deadlines, every detour starts feeling like failure instead of simply another path.

本期《On Purpose》节目由马自达赞助播出。

This episode of On Purpose is presented to you by Mazda.

内心的平静不是偶然发生的，它是通过我们在需要之前就建立的习惯创造出来的。

Peace of mind doesn't happen by chance, it's created through the habits we build before we ever need them.

这就是每一辆马自达背后的理念。

That's the philosophy behind every Mazda.

凭借主动安全功能，帮助你更加警觉、更加连接、更加投入，马自达让你对前方的道路感到从容不迫。

With proactive safety features that help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged, Mazda helps you feel ready for whatever the road brings.

这就是为什么马自达被评为《消费者报告》最安全的新车品牌。

It's why Mazda has been named Consumer reports safest new car brand.

而且截至2026年7月，马自达获得的2026年IIHS顶级安全之选+奖项数量超过了其他任何汽车品牌。

And as of July 2026, Mazda has won more twenty twenty six IIHS top safety pick plus awards than any other car brand.

想了解更多，请访问www.iihs.org。

Visit www.iihs.org to learn more.

当事故没有发生时，很多事情都可能发生。

A lot can happen when an accident doesn't.

想了解更多，请访问mazdausa.com。

Visit mazdausa.com to learn more.

《消费者报告》不认可任何产品或服务。

Consumer reports does not endorse products or services.

在我们继续之前，我想让你记住这一点。

Here's what I want you to remember before we move on.

你觉得自己落后，并不是因为你的生活真的落后了。

The reason you feel behind isn't because your life is behind.

人生中其实没有真正意义上的落后。

There's no way to truly ever be behind in life.

这些都是人为设定的。

It's all arbitrary.

你是在拿自己的真实生活去对比一个可能已经不再适合现在的你的期望。

You're measuring your real life against an expectation that may no longer fit the person you become.

但这引出了一个有趣的问题。

But that raises an interesting question.

如果这些期望让我们如此不快乐，为什么我们一开始还会那么执着于它们呢？

If these expectations can make us so unhappy, why do we become so attached to them in the first place?

答案和我们大脑想象未来的方式有很大关系。

The answer has a lot to do with the way our brains imagine the future.

因为有个很奇妙的现象。

Because here's something fascinating.

在未来的日子真正到来之前，你的大脑就已经开始在那里生活了。

Long before your future ever arrives, your brain has already started living there.

我相信你在人生的某个时刻，一定幻想过自己未来的婚礼。

I'm sure at some point in your life, you caught yourself daydreaming about your future wedding.

你会想象谁站在你身边，谁坐在前排，或者你会跟着哪首歌跳舞。

You picture who's standing beside you, who's sitting in the front row, or what song you'll dance to.

或者你可能想象过第一次走进梦想中的家，装饰孩子的卧室，搬到一直梦想居住的城市。

Or maybe you've imagined walking into your dream home for the first time, decorating your children's bedrooms, and moving to the city you've always dreamed of living in.

我们不只是思考未来，我们还会预演它。

We don't just think about the future, we rehearse it.

我们会一遍又一遍地重温它，直到它开始变得莫名熟悉。

We visit it over and over again until it starts to feel strangely familiar.

这就是为什么当生活走向另一个方向时，我们会感到如此痛苦。

That's one of the reasons it hurts so much when life takes another direction.

你放下的不仅仅是一个可能性，而是一个你已经投入多年情感的未来。

You're not just letting go of a possibility, you're letting go of a future you've already spent years emotionally investing in.

心理学家丹尼尔·吉尔伯特和蒂莫西·威尔逊花了数十年研究一种叫做“情感预测”的现象，简单来说，就是我们预测未来事件会让我们感受如何的能力。

Psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson have spent decades studying something called effective forecasting, which is simply our ability to predict how future events will make us feel.

令人惊讶的发现是，人类在这方面非常不擅长。

The surprising discovery is that human beings are remarkably bad at it.

我们总是高估积极事件会给我们带来的快乐。

We consistently overestimate how happy positive events will make us.

想想我们经常对自己说：我什么时候才会真正开心呢？

Think about how often we tell ourselves, I'll finally be happy when.

等我结婚了，等我多锻炼，等我找到新工作，等我搬去新城市，等我有了家庭，等我终于赚够了钱。

When I get married, when I work out more, when I get the new job, when I move cities, when I have a family, when I finally make enough money.

我们把太多情感寄托在这些未来的里程碑上，以至于它们开始像是通往更好生活的大门。

We place so much emotional weight on these future milestones that they begin to feel like the gateway to a better life.

然后有趣的事情发生了。

Then something interesting happens.

你终于得到了你多年来一直想要的晋升。

You finally get the promotion you've wanted for years.

头几个星期，你感觉棒极了。

For the first few weeks, you feel incredible.

你和家人庆祝，自信心也增强了，你觉得，就是它了。

You celebrate with your family, your confidence grows, and you think, this is it.

我终于成功了。

I've finally made it.

但慢慢地，新工作变成了你的日常工作。

But slowly, the new job becomes your job.

会议成了你的新常态。

The meetings become your new normal.

兴奋感逐渐消退。

The excitement fades.

没过多久，你又开始追逐下一个头衔。

Before long, you're chasing the next title.

或者你可能梦想着搬到一个新城市。

Or maybe you've dreamed about moving to a new city.

你想象自己走在美丽的街道上，交到很棒的朋友，变成一个完全不同的自己。

You imagine walking down beautiful streets, making amazing friends, becoming a completely different version of yourself.

头几个月感觉很兴奋，因为一切都是新的。

The first few months feel exciting because everything is new.

但后来你会在赶回公寓的路上被雨淋。

But eventually you get rained on rushing to your apartment.

洗衣服的时候会被锁在门外。

You get locked out doing your laundry.

坐地铁会迷路。

You get lost on the subway.

你会有感到孤独的时刻。

You have moments where you feel lonely.

你所在的城市可能变了，但生活并没有突然变得完美。

The city you're in may have changed, but life didn't suddenly become perfect.

还有一个原因让我们这么不擅长预测未来。

Now there's also another reason we're so bad at predicting the future.

但这个原因，我其实觉得挺有力量的。

But this one, I actually find empowering.

专家发现，我们总是低估自己的恢复力。

Experts have found that we consistently underestimate our own resilience.

心理学家称之为“免疫忽视”。

Psychologists call this immune neglect.

就像身体有免疫系统帮助病后康复一样，你的心理也有情绪免疫系统，帮助你在失望后恢复过来。

Just as your body has an immune system that helps it heal after illness, your mind has an emotional immune system that helps you recover after disappointment.

问题在于，现在的你无法完全想象未来的你会变得多么有办法。

The problem is your present self can't fully imagine how resourceful your future self will become.

想想你熬过来的那次心碎。

Think about a heartbreak you survived.

当时你可能觉得，我永远都走不出来。

At the time you probably thought, I'll never get over this.

你为和那个人一起憧憬的未来生活感到悲伤。

You grieved the future life you saw building with that person.

你无法想象自己还能再笑、再约会，或者再次感到充满希望。

You couldn't imagine laughing again, dating again, or feeling hopeful again.

但你现在不也过来了吗。

But here you are.

也许你心里还留着那道疤，但你也靠自己撑过来了。

Maybe you still carry the scar, but you also carried yourself through it.

今天坐在这儿的你，懂得的东西是当初那个你根本没法理解的。

The version of you sitting here today knows things the version of you back then couldn't possibly have understood.

反过来也是一样的道理。

The same thing is true in the opposite direction.

当你想象理想生活的时候，你假设自己会一直保持现在的样子。

When you're imagining your dream life, you're assuming you'll remain the same person you are today.

但未来的你不会像现在的你这样想。

But future you won't think like present you.

未来的你会有不同的优先事项、不同的智慧、不同的支持系统，对成功也有不同的定义。

Future you will have different priorities, different wisdom, different support systems, and different definitions of success.

那个二十五岁时拼命想要独立办公室的人，到了四十岁可能拼命想要的是灵活的时间。

The person who desperately wanted the corner office at twenty five might desperately want flexibility at forty.

曾经以为成功就是被认可的人，最终可能会发现，成功其实是一种内心的平静。

The person who thought success meant recognition may eventually discover that success actually feels like peace.

所以，对某个想象中的未来抓得太紧，其实挺危险的。

That's why holding too tightly to one imagined future is quite dangerous.

你是在让今天的自己，为一个还没成为的人做永久的决定。

You're asking today's version of yourself to make permanent decisions for someone you haven't become yet.

你会爱上不同的东西。

You'll love different things.

你会看重不同的东西。

You'll value different things.

有些梦想，你会慢慢超越。

You'll outgrow certain dreams.

你也会发现新的梦想。

You'll discover new ones.

有些目标，等你实现了，才发现那根本不是你自己真正想要的。

Some goals you'll accomplish only to realize they weren't actually yours in the first place.

其他人会悄悄离开，不是因为你失败了，而是因为你变了。

Others will quietly disappear not because you failed, but because you changed.

也许这就是最让人释怀的领悟。

And maybe that's the most freeing realization of all.

你为之悲伤的未来，可能根本就不是那个能让你最幸福的未来。

The future you're grieving may not even be a future that would have made you happiest.

好好想想这一点。

Think about that for a moment.

这就引出了我们这次谈话中最难的部分。

Which brings us to the hardest part of this conversation.

如果你的大脑多年来一直在预演一个从未到来的未来，如果你在情感上投入了一个并未如你所愿展开的生活，那么放下它当然会痛苦。

If your brain has spent years rehearsing a future that never arrived, if you've emotionally invested in a life that didn't unfold the way you imagined, then of course letting that go is going to hurt.

那不是软弱，那是悲伤。

And that isn't weakness, it's grief.

当我们想到悲伤时，通常想到的是失去所爱之人。

When we think about grief, we usually think about losing someone we love.

我们会想到葬礼、分手、离婚，或者失业。

We think about funerals, breakups, divorce, or losing a job.

但我们经历的一些最深的悲伤，并不是因为失去了我们拥有的东西。

But some of the deepest grief we experience isn't about losing what we had.

而是因为放下了我们一直想要的东西。

It's about letting go of what we always wanted for ourselves.

想想那些谈了五年恋爱却分手的人。

Think about someone whose relationship ends after five years.

他们不只是为失去的那个人而悲伤。

They're not just grieving the person they lost.

他们还在为那些已经想象过的、一起度过的假期而悲伤。

They're grieving the holidays they already pictured spending together.

为那些他们想象中会有的孩子而悲伤。

The children they imagined having.

为那个他们以为会一起变老的家而悲伤。

The home they thought they'd grow old in.

那个未来在他们心里早就变得真实了，远早于它在生活中真正实现。

That future had already become real in their mind long before it ever became real in their life.

同样的事情也会发生在你没考上梦想的学校，或者不孕改变了你成为父母的设想，或者你花了好多年建立的事业突然消失的时候。

The same thing happens when you don't get into the school you dreamed of, or when infertility changes the picture you had of becoming a parent, or when the career you spent years building suddenly disappears.

痛苦不仅仅在于你失去了那个机会。

The pain isn't only about the opportunity you lost.

更在于你正在成为的那个身份，以及你已经在想象中写好的生活。

It's about the identity you are becoming and the life you had already started writing in your imagination.

令人惊讶的是，许多参与回忆过去的大脑区域，同样也参与想象未来。

What's incredible is that many of the same brain regions involved in remembering the past are also involved in imagining the future.

换句话说，你的大脑并没有把未来当作完全独立的事情。

In other words, your brain doesn't treat the future as something completely separate.

它早在事情发生之前，就开始对可能性建立情感联系。

It begins building emotional connections to possibilities long before they ever happen.

这就是为什么想象中的未来，在情感上几乎和记忆中的过去一样真实。

That's why an imagined future can feel almost as emotionally real as a remembered past.

所以当生活改变方向时，调整你对未来的看法感到痛苦是很正常的。

So when life changes direction, it makes perfect sense that shifting your view of the future often feels painful.

你不是在小题大做。

You're not being dramatic.

你不是在消极。

You're not being negative.

你不是没能继续前进。

You're not failing to move on.

你是在努力放下你脑海里排练多年的东西。

You're trying to release something your mind has been rehearsing for years.

我觉得这就是我们很多人对自己过于苛刻的地方。

I think this is where many of us become unnecessarily hard on ourselves.

我们告诉自己，我现在应该已经放下了。

We tell ourselves, I should be over this by now.

我们不明白为什么面对突然的生活变化，我们还会这么情绪化。

We wonder why we're still emotional over a sudden life change.

但也许让你难受的原因，并不是你放不下过去。

But maybe the reason it hurts isn't because you're holding onto the past.

也许是因为你还在跟未来告别。

Maybe it's because you're still saying goodbye to the future.

其实，我们不只是活着。

The truth is we aren't just living our lives.

我们一直在构建关于自己的故事——我们是谁，要去哪里，经历意味着什么。

We're constantly creating a narrative about who we are, where we're going, and what our experiences mean.

所以这些时刻才会让我们如此动摇。

That's why these moments can shake us so deeply.

当生活不如预期时，改变的不仅仅是计划，故事也变了。

When your life doesn't go according to plan, it's not just the plan that changes, the story changes.

所以我觉得，我们能对自己做的最有同情心的事，就是别再问“为什么我就是放不下？”

This is why I think one of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves is stop asking, why can't I just move on?

而是换一个问题来问。

And start asking a different question.

我到底在哀悼什么？

What am I actually grieving?

因为答案往往不是事件本身。

Because often the answer isn't the event itself.

而是那个已经结束的故事。

It's the story that ended.

是你以为接下来会发生的篇章。

It's the chapter you thought would come next.

但那个故事结束了，并不意味着你的故事就完了。

But just because that story ended doesn't mean your story is over.

回想一下你自己的人生。

Think back over your own life for a moment.

我想知道有多少曾经感觉像是结局的章节，最终变成了新的开始。

I wonder how many chapters that once felt like endings eventually became beginnings.

那次分手让你遇到了改变你人生的人。

The breakup that introduced you to the person who changed your life.

那份你没得到的工作，却让你走向了你更热爱的事业。

The job you didn't get that led you toward work you love even more.

那个你从没打算搬去的城市，却不知怎么成了你的家。

The city you never planned to move to that somehow became home.

那份友谊，只因为原来的计划泡汤了才存在。

The friendship that only exists because your original plans fell apart.

你当时经历的时候，可能根本看不到这些。

You probably couldn't see any of that while you were living through it.

也许这就是放下的第一步。

And maybe that's the first step toward letting go.

不是假装你从不想要那个想象中的生活，不是说服自己那不重要，也不是急着让自己往前走，而是尊重你曾经期待的未来，同时给一个可能更好的未来留出空间。

Not pretending you never wanted that life you were imagining, not convincing yourself it didn't matter, not rushing yourself to move on, but honoring the future you thought you'd have, while leaving enough room for a future that might be even better.

你人生中最有意义的篇章，往往藏在未知里，它们永远不会符合你多年前画下的蓝图，因为它们需要你成为那个年轻的自己根本无法想象的人。

Some of the most meaningful chapters of your life are in the unknown, and they'll never fit inside the blueprint you created years ago because they require becoming someone your younger self couldn't possibly have imagined.

这就是我接下来想探讨的。

That's what I want to explore next.

这个想法就是，也许你一直遵循的那些人生蓝图已经过时了。

The idea that maybe the blueprints you're working off are outdated.

因为如果我们在为从未发生的未来而悲伤，我觉得我们需要审视一下，最初到底是谁决定了那些未来是我们本该拥有的。

Because if we're grieving futures that never happened, I think we need to examine who really decided those futures were the ones we were supposed to have in the first place.

我们大多数人其实都继承了一个从未主动选择的人生时间表。

Most of us have inherited a timeline for life that we never consciously chose.

在某个时刻，我们不知不觉地接受了这样一种观念：人生是按照一个可预测的顺序展开的。

Somewhere along the way, we absorb the idea that life unfolds in a predictable sequence.

这个年龄毕业，这个年龄开始职业生涯，这个年龄结婚，这个年龄买房，这个年龄之前生孩子，这个年龄退休。

Graduate by this age, start your career by this age, get married by this age, buy a house by this age, have children before this age, retire by this age.

从来没有人给我们一份明确的剧本，但我们很多人却用这个剧本评判自己的一生。

Nobody ever handed us a script, but many of us spend our lives judging ourselves by it.

这被称为“社会时钟”。

This is referred to as the social clock.

也就是我们围绕重大人生事件应该何时发生而形成的文化期望。

The cultural expectations we develop around when major life events are supposed to happen.

每一代人都有，每一种文化也都有。

Every generation has one and every culture has one.

但有趣的是，它们一直在变化。

But what's fascinating is that they are constantly changing.

现在的人平均结婚年龄比上一代人要大。

The average age of marriage is older today than it was a generation ago.

如今人们一生中会多次更换职业，而过去他们往往一直做同一份工作。

People are changing careers multiple times throughout their lives today when they used to stay in the same job.

家庭的形式比以往任何时候都更加多样。

Families are being built in more ways than ever before.

时间表在不断演变，但我们却仍然把它当作一成不变的东西。

The timeline keeps evolving, yet somehow we continue treating it as if it were written in stone.

本期节目由State Farm赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

我们经常谈论有意识地做决定，这也包括一些实际的事情，比如确保你的保险方案真正适合你的生活。

We talk a lot about intentional decision making and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life.

State Farm 会在你需要的时候出现，他们知道对自己的决定感到满意是多么美好的事。

State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions.

今天就联系 State Farm 的代理人，了解如何通过个人价格计划选择捆绑服务并节省开支。

Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan.

就像好邻居一样，State Farm 随时在你身边。

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

价格基于各州不同的费率计划，保障选项由客户选择，折扣和节省的金额以及资格条件因州而异。

Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

我觉得现在人们感到压力大的一个主要原因，是我们继承了多个已经不再协调的时间表。

I think one of the biggest reasons people feel overwhelmed today is because we've inherited multiple timelines that no longer fit together.

我们被告知要在二十多岁时环游世界、积累经历，同时还要存够钱在房价进一步上涨之前买房。

We're told to spend our twenties traveling the world and collecting experiences while also saving enough money to buy a home before prices rise even further.

我们被鼓励去追求雄心勃勃的事业，但同时也被提醒生育是有生理时间限制的。

We're encouraged to build ambitious careers, but we're also reminded that fertility follows a biological timeline.

我们被告知不要将就感情，但也被告诫不要等太久。

We're told not to settle in relationships, but we're also warned not to wait too long.

难怪这么多人觉得自己很失败。

It's no wonder so many people feel like they're failing.

我们被赋予了太多期望，而且很多期望互相矛盾。

We've been handed so many expectations and so many contradict one another.

你不可能一边追求无尽的旅行，一边同时扎根定居。

You can't optimize for endless travel and put down permanent routes at exactly the same time.

你不可能一边拼命往上爬，一边还想着自我照顾和自由时间。

You can't prioritize climbing the corporate ladder while also chasing self care and free time.

你不可能一边打造十亿美元的公司，一边又刻意选择远离尘嚣的安静生活。

You can't build a billion dollar company and be someone who intentionally chose a quiet life off the grid.

这些完全是不同的游戏，但我们却给自己施加压力，要求每个方面都做到。

These are all playing completely different games yet we put pressure on ourselves to hit every single aspect.

所以我觉得，你能问自己最解放的一个问题就是：

That's why I think one of the most liberating questions you can ask yourself is this.

如果没人知道你的年龄，你今天真正会满足于什么？

If nobody knew your age, what would you actually be happy with today?

现在就问问自己这个问题。

Ask yourself that question right now.

如果没人能看到你的领英资料、感情状态、薪水或者住址，你会选择什么样的生活？

If nobody could see your LinkedIn profile, your relationship status, your salary, or your zip code, what kind of life would you choose?

不是那种能让人印象深刻的生活，也不是那种能让所有人都点头称赞的生活，而是那种能让你觉得普通的工作日也很美好的生活。

Not the life that would impress people, not the life that would make everyone nod in approval, the life that would make an ordinary weekday feel good to you.

你是在为想要的生活而难过，还是在为你以为应该想要的生活而难过？

Are you grieving the life you wanted or just grieving the life you thought you were supposed to want?

这两者差别很大。

That's a profound difference.

也许你并不真的想要最大的房子。

Maybe you don't actually want the biggest house.

也许你想要的是更多和家人在一起的时间。

Maybe you want more time with your family.

也许你并不想要最高的职位。

Maybe you don't want the highest title.

也许你想要的是让你充满活力而不是精疲力竭的工作。

Maybe you want work that leaves you energized instead of exhausted.

也许你对成功的定义多年前就已经改变了，但你仍然在用别人的标准来评判自己。

Maybe your definition of success changed years ago, but you've still been judging yourself by someone else's scorecard.

我认为成熟的最大标志之一，就是意识到你的生活不必让所有人都理解。

I think one of the greatest signs of maturity is realizing that your life doesn't have to make sense to everyone else.

它只需要对你自己有意义。

It only has to make sense to you.

一旦你不再按照别人的时间表生活，就会发生一些了不起的事情。

Once you stop living by someone else's timeline, something remarkable happens.

你不再问：我是不是落后了？

You stop asking, am I behind?

而是开始问一个更好的问题。

And you start asking a much better question.

我是不是在过一种真正属于自己的生活？

Am I building a life that actually feels like mine?

现在节目进行到这里，你可能在想，好吧，Jay，我明白我为什么会有这种感觉，但我到底该怎么放手呢？

Now at this point of the episode, you might be wondering, okay Jay, I understand why I feel this way, but how do I actually let go?

我觉得我们首先需要认识到，放手并不意味着放弃。

I think the first thing we need to acknowledge is that letting go doesn't mean giving up.

这并不意味着降低标准、放弃梦想，或者假装你从未想过自己憧憬的那种生活。

It doesn't mean lowering your standards, abandoning your dreams, or pretending you never wanted the life you imagined.

它只是意味着，你不再执着于认为你的生活必须按照某一种特定的方式展开，才能让你感到满足。

It simply means loosening your grip on the belief that your life has to unfold in one specific way in order to be fulfilling to you.

也许你仍然希望有一天能结婚。

Maybe you still want to get married one day.

也许你仍然希望成为父母、建立成功的事业、写一本书或者环游世界。

Maybe you still hope to become a parent, build a successful business, write a book or travel the world.

这些梦想不必因为没能按你预期的时间实现就消失。

Those dreams don't have to disappear simply because they didn't happen when you expected them to.

我们并不总是需要放弃目的地，有时候只需要放下我们强加给它的那个武断的时间表。

We don't always need to release the destination, but sometimes just simply the arbitrary timeline we've attached to it.

我开始问自己一个特别有力的问题：现在这个版本的生活，让我能做什么？

One of the most powerful questions I've started asking myself is this, What does this version of my life make possible?

这和问“我还有什么没做到”是完全不同的问题。

It's such a different question than asking, What am I not accomplishing?

每条路都会关上一些门，但也会打开其他的门。

Every path closes certain doors, but it also opens others.

我们花了太多时间盯着关上的门，却从没留意身边已经打开的那些。

We spend so much time staring at the doors that closed that we never appreciate the ones that have opened beside us.

当然，不是每次痛苦的经历都暗藏祝福，但事实是，人类是非常有韧性的讲故事者。

Of course, not every painful experience is secretly a blessing, but the fact is that human beings are incredibly resilient storytellers.

我们有能力把绕路、失望和意外的章节，编织成更有意义的人生。

We have the capacity to take detours, disappointments, and unexpected chapters and weave them into lives that are even more meaningful.

我想鼓励你试试一个练习。

There's an exercise I'd like to encourage you to try.

拿出一张纸，画两栏。

Take out a piece of paper and draw two columns.

在第一栏里，写下所有你认为自己应该想要的东西。

In the first column, write down everything you think you should want.

比如事业、伴侣、具体的薪水、房子，还有你从朋友、父母、社会或文化中继承来的成功标准。

The career, the partner, the specific salary, the house, the version of success you've inherited from friends, parents, society, or culture.

然后在第二栏里，写下因为第一栏还没实现，你反而能够完成的所有事情。

Then in the second column, write down everything that you have been able to accomplish because that first column hasn't happened yet.

这两份清单可能会让你大吃一惊。

Those two lists might surprise you.

也许你还没遇到灵魂伴侣，但你刚刚和几个最好的朋友一起度过了一个超棒的假期。

Maybe you haven't met your soulmate yet, but you just went on an amazing vacation with some of your best friends.

也许你还没有自己的房子，但去年你公寓被水淹的时候，你不需要动用个人积蓄。

Maybe you don't own the home yet, but you didn't have to dip into your personal savings last year when your apartment flooded.

也许你在事业上还没达到理想状态，但通过不断尝试和跳槽，你学到了很多技能。

Maybe you aren't where you want to be career wise, but you've learned an incredible amount of skill sets by jumping around and testing different opportunities.

在你没打算走的那条路上，总有值得学习的教训和意义。

There is always a reason and a lesson to be learned along the path you didn't intend to travel.

所以，给自己一个重新规划蓝图的许可吧。

So give yourself permission to rewrite the blueprint.

今天更快乐、更健康的习惯由马自达带来，它是《消费者报告》评选出的最安全的新车品牌。

Today's happier, healthier habits are brought to you by Mazda, Consumer reports' safest new car brand.

马自达的设计，就是为了你最在乎的东西。

Mazda is designed for what matters most to you.

这是本周给你的挑战。

Here's your challenge this week.

接下来的七天，我希望你把通勤时间变成有意识的学习时间。

For the next seven days, I want you to turn your commute into intentional learning time.

我想让这件事变得特别简单。

And I wanna make this really simple.

一共三步。

There are three steps.

首先，在下次通勤前，选一个你想深入了解的主题。

First, before your next commute, choose one thing you wanna learn more about.

可能是人际关系，可能是健康、事业、财务，或者你一直好奇的某个领域。

Maybe it's relationships, maybe it's your health, your career, your finances, or a subject you've always been curious about.

第二，找一个关于那个话题的播客系列或有声书，现在就保存下来。

Second, find one podcast series or audio book about that topic and save it right now.

别等到已经在路上了才开始搜索。

Don't wait until you're already on your way somewhere and start searching.

提前决定好要听什么。

Decide ahead of time what you're going to listen to.

第三，在接下来的七天里，每次通勤一开始就播放它。

And number three, for the next seven days, make that the first thing you put on when you start your commute.

如果你不是开车通勤，那也没关系。

And if you don't commute by car, that's okay.

也许你坐火车、走路、骑自行车，或者根本没有传统的通勤方式。

Maybe you take the train, walk, ride a bike, or simply don't have a traditional commute.

选择一天中你从一个地方到另一个地方的固定时间，用那段时间来听。

Choose a regular part of your day when you're moving from one place to another and use that time instead.

目标不在于你怎么出行，而在于把那些平时自动进行的时间，赋予它一个目的。

The goal isn't about how you travel, it's about taking time that normally happens on autopilot and giving it an intention.

所以这就是挑战。

So that's the challenge.

一个主题，一个播客或有声书，七天。

One topic, one podcast or audiobook, seven days.

再次感谢今天《更快乐、更健康的习惯》的赞助商马自达。

Thank you again to the sponsor of today's happier, healthier habits, Mazda.

马自达在每一次驾驶中都能带来更多的信心和掌控感，《消费者报告》最安全新车品牌的称号也证明了这一点。

Mazda delivers more confidence and control in every drive, and Consumer reports safest new car brand designation proves it.

马自达的安全功能旨在为每次驾驶增添更多乐趣，而不是削弱它。

Mazda safety features are designed to bring more enjoyment to every drive, not take away from it.

请访问 mazdausa.com 了解更多信息。

Visit mazdausa.com to learn more.

《消费者报告》不认可任何产品或服务。

Consumer reports does not endorse products or services.

当你18岁或25岁时，你根据当时掌握的信息做计划。

When you were 18 or 25, you made plans based on the information you had at the time.

你还没有经历过失败、失去、意外的喜悦，或者那些塑造我们的无数瞬间。

You hadn't experienced failure, loss, unexpected joy, or the countless moments that shape us into who we become.

为什么我们期望几十年前写的蓝图能完美契合今天的自己呢？

Why would we expect a blueprint written decades ago to perfectly fit the person we are today?

我经常想到GPS的工作方式。

I always think about the way a GPS works.

如果你错过了一个转弯，它不会停下旅程，告诉你失败了。

If you miss a turn, it doesn't stop the journey and tell you you failed.

它不会在接下来的20英里里一直提醒你掉头，去弥补你犯的错。

It doesn't spend the next 20 miles reminding you to turn around and fix the mistake you made.

它只是重新计算，重新校准，平静地、立即地，不带任何评判。

It simply recalculates, recalibrates, calmly, instantly without judgment.

生活也要求我们做同样的事情。

Life asks us to do the same exact thing.

每一个意外的转折都是在邀请你问自己：既然我现在在这里，哪条路才是最好的前进方向？

Every unexpected turn is an invitation to ask, given where I am now, what's the best path forward?

而不是问：我怎么才能回到我以为自己该走的那条路？

Not how do I get back to the road I thought I'd be on?

也许这就是我们整个对话一直在指向的东西。

Maybe that's what this entire conversation has been pointing towards.

那就是相信，人生蓝图从来就不该是完美的。

It's trusting that the blueprint was never supposed to be perfect.

它只是一个初稿，而初稿本来就是用来重写的。

It was simply a first draft, and the first drafts are meant to be rewritten.

所以，当我们结束这一集时，我不希望你问自己：你的生活是否像你十年前想象的那样。

So as we leave this episode, I don't want you to ask yourself whether your life looks the way you imagined it ten years ago.

我希望你问一个不同的问题。

I want you to ask a different question.

如果今天你是第一次书写自己的人生，带着你现在所知道的一切，你会选择怎样的生活？

If you were writing your life for the first time today, knowing everything you know now, what life would you choose?