如何作为成年人结交朋友

嗨，我是Jay。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但我刚才一直在想你呢。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.

然后

And

我希望你能对自己多一点耐心，因为你值得。

I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it.

对，我很快再和你聊。

And, yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

你之所以感到孤独，是因为你害怕被人评判。

Your fear of being judged is the reason you feel lonely.

听我说完。

Hear me out.

你有没有发现，以前交朋友是我们做的最轻松的事，现在却成了最难的，这真的很奇怪。

Have you ever noticed how strange it is that making friends used to be one of the easiest things we did, and now it feels like one of the hardest?

你六岁的时候，交朋友几乎不需要什么策略。

When you were six years old, friendship required almost zero strategy.

在课堂上坐在某人旁边，参加同一个足球队，喜欢同样的卡通片，或者在午餐时交换零食。

You sat next to someone in class, played on the same soccer team, liked the same cartoons, or traded snacks at lunch.

就这样。

And that was it.

砰。

Boom.

搞定。

Done.

你们就成了永远的好朋友。

You're now best friends forever.

你不会花几个小时担心自己是不是显得太急切。

You didn't spend hours wondering if you were coming across as desperate.

你也不会在发短信前反复琢磨。

You didn't overanalyze a text message before sending it.

你不会担心这段友谊进展的速度是不是合适。

You didn't worry about whether the friendship was progressing at the right pace.

因为小时候，你根本不会去想别人会不会评价你。

Because when you're a kid, you're not even thinking about the potential of someone else judging you.

你能活在当下，纯粹地享受这段互动本身。

You're able to live in the moment and just embrace the interaction for what it actually is.

但成年后，事情就没那么简单了，这可能就是为什么现在很多成年人比以往任何时候都更感到孤独。

But as an adult, it isn't that easy, which might be why today many adults feel lonelier than ever before.

有意思的是，我们大多数人每天身边都还是有人陪伴的。

And what's fascinating is that most of us are still surrounded by people every single day.

我们有同事、邻居、健身房里的熟人，还有每天早上光顾的咖啡店里那些熟悉的面孔。

We have coworkers, neighbors, people at our gym, familiar faces at the coffee shop we visit every morning.

我们还能通过科技随时联系到几乎任何人。

We can also reach almost anyone instantly through technology.

然而，孤独感却依然在上升。

And yet, loneliness continues to rise.

2023年，美国卫生局局长维韦克·穆尔蒂警告说，孤独和社会隔离已经成为一项重大的公共卫生问题，与焦虑、抑郁、心脏病甚至早逝都有关联。

In 2023, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned that loneliness and social isolation had become a significant public health concern linked to everything from anxiety and depression to heart disease and premature death.

我们常常把深厚的友谊当成一种奢侈品，但研究显示，它可能更接近必需品。

We often treat great friendships as a luxury, but the research suggests they're probably much closer to a necessity.

不过经常有人跟我说，杰伊，年纪大了以后交朋友就是更难。

Yet people often tell me, Jay, it's just harder to make friends when you're older.

我理解为什么大家会有这种感觉，但我并不认为事实真是如此。

And I understand why it feels that way, but I don't actually think that's true.

我觉得成年人并不是忘记了怎么和人建立联系，而是有几道看不见的障碍挡在你和你想要的友谊之间。

I don't think adults have forgotten how to connect, but I do think there are a handful of invisible obstacles standing between you and the friendships that you want.

一旦你清楚地看到这些障碍，整体情况就会开始改变。

And once you see them clearly, the whole picture starts to change.

所以今天我想聊聊五个转变，这些转变彻底改变了我对成年友谊的看法。

So today I wanna walk through five shifts that completely changed the way I think about adult friendship.

首先，我们来谈谈为什么交朋友其实并没有比以前更困难。

First, we're going to talk about why friendship isn't actually harder than it used to be.

然后我们会聊聊那个让很多人感到孤独的恐惧。

Then we'll talk about that fear that's keeping many people lonely.

接着，我会分享一个心理学观点，解释为什么别人可能比你想象的更喜欢你。

From there, I'll share a piece of psychology that explains why people probably like you more than you think.

我们会看看为什么重复见面比一见如故更重要。

We'll look at why repetition matters more than chemistry.

最后，我们会谈谈如何成为那个创造社区氛围的人，而不是被动等待。

And finally, we'll talk about how to become the person who creates community instead of waiting for it.

我希望这期节目结束后，你不再把友谊看作是有或没有的东西，而是可以主动且轻松去建立的东西。

And by the end of this episode, my hope is that you'll stop seeing friendship as something you either have or don't have, and start seeing it as something you can actively and easily build.

今天我们聊天时，我希望你心里想着一个人。

As we're talking today, I want you to keep one person in mind.

也许是工作上的某个人，他总是让会议变得更有趣。

Maybe it's someone from work who always makes meetings more enjoyable.

也许是在健身房跟你聊过几次的某个人。

Maybe it's someone from your gym you've chatted with just a few times.

可能是孩子同学的家长，也可能是邻居，或者是你经常碰见、觉得眼熟但又不真正了解的人。

Maybe it's another parent from your child's school, a neighbor or someone you've crossed paths with often enough to recognize, but not well enough to really know.

在整个谈话过程中，请你在脑海里记住这个人。

Hold that person in your mind throughout this conversation.

因为到了节目的最后，我希望你能基于这个想法做点什么。

Because by the end of the episode, I'm going to challenge you to do something with that thought.

现在咱们直接进入正题，我想讲的第一个关于友情的转变是这个。

Now getting right into it, the first friendship shift I want to get into is this.

你需要意识到，现在交朋友并没有比以前更难。

You need to realize that friendship isn't harder now for you than it used to be.

唯一不同的是，过去帮你建立友谊的那套系统已经不存在了。

The only difference is that the system that used to create friendships for you has disappeared.

这其实是另一个完全不同的问题。

And that's a very different problem.

要知道，小时候，友谊直接嵌入在我们的生活结构之中。

See, when we're children, friendship is built directly into the structure of our lives.

学校让人接近。

School creates proximity.

运动让人反复见面。

Sports create repetition.

夏令营、俱乐部、大学宿舍和课外活动，都让我们反复跟同一群人待在一起。

Summer camps, clubs, college dorms, and after school activities repeatedly place us around the same people over and over again.

现在你根本不用费心去建立社交生活，因为环境已经帮你把大部分事都办好了。

Now you don't have to think very hard about building a social life because the environment is doing most of the heavy lifting for you.

认识人的机会早就排进你的日程里了。

The opportunities for connection are already built into your schedule.

然后你成年了，所有这些社交基础就慢慢消失了。

Then adulthood arrives, and suddenly all of that infrastructure slowly disappears.

没人再给你安排座位了。

Nobody assigns your seat anymore.

没人再把你分到哪个队里了。

Nobody puts you on a team.

没有人会逼你做小组作业了。

Nobody forces the group project.

责任从系统转移到了个人身上。

The responsibility shifts from the system to the individual.

而且我们大多数人甚至没意识到这一点。

And most of us don't even realize it's happening.

我们只是某天醒来突然感到疏离，就以为是自己哪里变了。

We simply wake up one day feeling disconnected and we assume something about us has changed.

有意思的是，我们在生活的其他领域不会犯这种错误。

What's interesting is that we don't make this mistake in other areas of life.

我们明白健康需要有心维护。

We understand that our health requires intention.

我们明白事业需要付出努力。

We understand that our careers require effort.

我们明白有意义的情感关系需要时间、沟通和投入，但友谊却往往是成年后我们仍然指望它自然而然发生的一件事。

We understand that meaningful romantic relationships require time, communication, and investment, but friendship is often the one area where adults still expect things to happen naturally.

本期《On Purpose》由altrarunning赞助播出。

This episode of On Purpose is presented by altrarunning.

我们都受益于多一点空间，我们的脚也是如此。

We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet.

这就是为什么ultra跑鞋采用ultra合脚设计，给脚趾更多空间，带来舒适、平衡和力量。

That's why ultra running shoes feature ultra fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance, and strength.

它们非常适合跑步、散步或徒步，任何速度，任何水平。

They're perfect for running, walking, or hiking, any pace, any level.

从第一步起就感觉舒适。

They feel right from the first step.

访问ultrarunning.com/onpurpose，使用优惠码PURPOSE10享受9折优惠。

Go to ultrarunning.com/onpurpose and use code PURPOSE10 for 10% off.

网址是altrarunning.com/onpurpose。

That's altrarunning.com/onpurpose.

继续前行吧。

Stay out there.

我们告诉自己，如果注定要和某人成为朋友，那自然会水到渠成。

We tell ourselves that if we're supposed to become friends with someone, it will somehow happen on its own.

我们以为，如果一段关系是真的，就不需要费太多力气。

We assume that if a connection is real, it shouldn't require that much effort.

但友谊从来都是需要付出的。

But friendship has always required effort.

不同的是，年轻时，这种付出被频繁的接触掩盖了。

The difference is that when we were younger, the effort was hidden by repeated exposure.

那时的友谊看起来毫不费力，因为环境在创造让友谊成为重心的条件。

The friendships felt effortless because the system was creating the conditions that made friendship top of mind.

成年后，这些条件消失了，但你在友谊上需要投入的精力并没有变。

As adults, those conditions disappear, but the effort you need to put into a friendship remains the same.

这里我想暂停一下，提个醒。

And I want to pause here for a caveat.

如果你最近交朋友很困难，我不希望你觉得这是因为你社交笨拙、不擅沟通，或者你落后于别人。

If you've been struggling to make friends lately, I don't want your takeaway to be that you're socially awkward, that you're bad at communication, or somehow falling behind everyone else.

我希望你明白的是，规则已经变了。

I want your takeaway to be that the rules changed.

以前那个自动帮你完成一切的系统已经不存在了，所以你现在必须刻意去创造以前自然而然发生的事情。

The system that once did the work for you is gone, which means you now have to become intentional about creating what used to happen naturally.

一旦你理解了这一点，我们就可以进入第二个转变：你需要停止因为恐惧而束缚自己。

And once you understand that, we can move to the second shift, which is that you need to stop holding yourself back due to fear.

尽管我们心里清楚交新朋友需要付出努力，但大多数人还是不愿意主动联系。

Even though we inherently know that new friendship requires work, most of us still don't reach out.

我们还是不发那条信息。

We still don't send the text.

我们还是不邀请同事去吃午饭。

We still don't invite the coworker to lunch.

我们还是不约邻居喝咖啡。

We still don't ask the neighbor to grab coffee.

这就引出了一个重要的问题：是什么在阻止我们？

Which raises an important question: What's stopping us?

事实上，大多数人感到孤独并不是因为他们认识的人不够多。

The reality is most people aren't lonely because they don't know enough people.

大多数人的孤独，是因为害怕尝试加深这些关系时可能发生的事。

Most people are lonely because they're afraid of what might happen if they try to deepen those connections.

想想这在日常生活中发生的频率有多高。

Think about how often this happens in everyday life.

你遇到了一个有趣的人。

You meet someone interesting.

你心里想，我真的很想更了解这个人。

You think to yourself, I'd actually love to get to know this person better.

然后，因为对方没有主动联系你，你就默认对方对你没那意思。

And then because they don't reach out to you, you just assume they don't feel the same about you.

但实际上，你自己也从来没主动过。

But in reality, you never reached out either.

你看，我们总是因为不安全感而阻挡自己，让它在情感连接中间插一脚。

See, we hold ourselves back letting insecurity get in the way of connection.

万一他们觉得我奇怪呢？

What if they think I'm weird?

万一我表现得太急切怎么办？

What if I come across as desperate?

万一我出丑了怎么办？

What if I embarrass myself?

万一他们已经有很多朋友了呢？

What if they already have enough friends?

万一他们拒绝我怎么办？

What if they say no?

那个声音太熟悉了，我们大多数人甚至都没注意到它了。

That voice is so familiar that most of us don't even notice it anymore.

我们只是假设它是理性的，但实际上它往往只是过度保护。

We simply assume it's being rational when in reality it's often just being overly protective.

因为当你仔细看，问题通常根本不是关于被拒绝。

Because when you look more closely, the problem usually isn't about rejection at all.

问题就是逃避。

The problem is avoidance.

这段友谊根本没有机会开始，因为从一开始就没开始。

The friendship never had a chance to succeed because it never got started.

邀请从来没发出去过。

The invitation was never sent.

短信从来没写过。

The text was never written.

咖啡约会也从来没安排过。

The coffee was never scheduled.

这段关系还没开始就结束了，因为恐惧让我们不敢迈出第一步。

The relationship ended before it even began because fear convinced us not to take the first step.

我觉得对友谊最大的误解之一，就是以为社交自信就意味着永远不会感到尴尬。

I think one of the biggest misunderstandings about friendship is that we assume social confidence means never feeling awkward.

我们看着那些似乎朋友很多的人，以为他们只是天生外向、喜欢社交。

We look at people who seem to have strong communities and imagine they're just naturally outgoing, they're extroverted.

我们以为他们不会紧张。

We assume they don't get nervous.

我们以为他们从不担心别人怎么看自己。

We assume they never worry about what people think about them.

但根据我的经验，这很少是真的。

But in my experience, that's rarely true.

真正的区别在于，他们愿意为了可能建立的联系而忍受一点尴尬。

The real difference is that they're willing to feel a little awkward in exchange for the possibility of connection.

所以回到最初的问题，是什么阻止了我们？

So back to the original question, what's stopping us?

是我们自己的恐惧。

Our own fears are.

但事实是，大多数其他人也在等待。

But the truth is most other people are waiting too.

你希望邀请你去派对的那个共同朋友，可能也在希望你能邀请他们。

That mutual friend you wish would invite you to the party may be hoping you'll invite them.

你曾经觉得很酷的那个老同事，可能也在想你有没有兴趣一起喝杯咖啡。

That old coworker you thought was cool may be wondering whether you'd ever want to grab coffee.

你那个寒暄了两年的邻居，可能也希望自己能有更多本地朋友。

The neighbor you've exchanged small talk with for two years now may also wish they had more local friends.

所有人都在等别人先跨出那一步。

Everyone is waiting for someone else to go first.

每个人都想有联系，但没人愿意冒险主动去尝试。

Everyone wants connection, but nobody wants to risk putting themselves out there.

所以我认为，成年之后的一个隐藏代价，就是我们太注重保护自己的形象，避免不舒服。

And that's why I believe one of the hidden costs of adulthood is that we become too focused on protecting our image from discomfort.

我们保护自己，免于尴尬。

We protect ourselves from embarrassment.

我们保护自己，避免被拒绝。

We protect ourselves from rejection.

我们保护自己，不让别人觉得我们太过急切。

We protect ourselves from looking overly eager.

但这样一来，我们往往也把友谊挡在了门外。

But in doing so, we often protect ourselves from friendship as well.

我们太想避免尴尬，结果反而让自己陷入了孤立。

We become so committed to avoiding awkwardness that we accidentally create isolation.

很多人并不是因为没有机会才挣扎。

Many of us aren't struggling because opportunities don't exist.

我们挣扎，是因为恐惧让我们不敢去抓住那些机会。

We're struggling because fear is keeping us from acting on those opportunities.

一旦你明白了这一点，第三个转变就会变得非常强大。

And once you understand that, the third shift becomes incredibly powerful.

这是你需要明白的第三件事。

Here's the third thing you need to realize.

实际上，别人对你的喜欢，可能远比你想象的多。

People probably actually like you a lot more than you think they do.

有一个很有趣的心理现象，叫做「喜欢差距」。

There's a fascinating psychological phenomenon called the liking gap.

研究人员反复发现，对话结束后，人们往往会低估对方享受交谈的程度。

Researchers have repeatedly found that after conversations, people tend to underestimate how much the other person enjoyed talking to them.

也就是说，你离开时觉得，我有点尴尬，而对方离开时却觉得，我真的很喜欢和这个人聊天。

In other words, you walk away thinking, I was a little awkward, while the other person walks away thinking, I really enjoyed them.

想想我们花了多少精力去担心自己在别人眼中的形象。

Think about how much energy we spend worrying about how we're perceived.

我们在脑子里反复回放对话。

We replay conversations in our heads.

分析自己说过的话。

We analyze things we said.

为那些尴尬的时刻感到难为情。

We cringe at awkward moments.

我们说服自己，所有人都注意到了那个没逗笑的笑话，或者那个不太有趣的故事。

We convince ourselves that everyone noticed a joke that didn't land or the story that wasn't particularly interesting.

其实，大多数人心里也在做着同样的事。

Meanwhile, most other people are doing the exact same thing internally.

他们正忙着担心自己呢。

They're busy worrying about themselves.

他们花在评判你身上的时间，远没有你想象的那么多。

They're not spending nearly as much time judging you as you imagine they are.

我们很多人做决定，靠的是凭空想象出来的拒绝，而不是真实的拒绝。

Many of us are making decisions based on imagined rejection rather than any actual rejection.

我们遇到一个真正喜欢的人，就立刻开始编造对方心里的想法。

We meet someone we genuinely enjoy and immediately begin creating a story about what they're thinking.

我们告诉自己，他们可能太忙了。

We tell ourselves they're probably too busy.

我们说服自己，他们不会想和我这样的人一起相处。

We convince ourselves they wouldn't want to spend time with someone like me.

然后我们就按这个臆想出来的故事行动，好像那是事实一样。

And then we act on that story as though it's a fact.

想象一下，把这种逻辑用在生活的其他方面。

Imagine applying that logic somewhere else in life.

想象一下，你想创业，但从不告诉任何人，因为怕他们不喜欢这个想法。

Imagine wanting to start a business, but never telling anyone because they might not like the idea.

想象一下，你想变得更健康，但从不踏进健身房，因为怕有人盯着你看。

Imagine wanting to get healthier but never going to the gym because someone might stare at you.

想象一下，你想追求一段感情，但从不开口约对方，因为怕被拒绝。

Imagine wanting to pursue a romantic connection but never asking them out because they might say no.

这些事我们都做过。

We do all of these things.

大多数人会意识到，这其实是恐惧披着逻辑的外衣。

Most of us would recognize that as fear disguised as logic.

但一说到交朋友，我们却总是这样。

Yet when it comes to friendship, we do it all the time.

我还注意到，孤独感会让你觉得它是永久的。

And one thing I've noticed is that loneliness has a way of convincing you it's permanent.

你不再说“我现在没有亲密朋友”，而是开始觉得“我永远不会有”。

You stop saying I don't have close friends right now.

然后你开始说，我是个在交朋友方面有困难的人。

And you start saying I'm someone who struggles with friendship.

这种心态非常危险，因为一旦某件事成为你身份的一部分，你就不再尝试了。

That mentality is incredibly dangerous because once something becomes part of your identity, you stop experimenting.

你不再主动联系别人，因为那不再像是在尝试新事物。

You stop reaching out because it no longer feels like you're trying something.

那感觉就像是在努力成为另一个人。

It feels like you're trying to become someone you're not.

但你敬佩的那些社交活跃的人，几乎都有过和你完全一样的感受。

But almost every socially connected person you admire has had reasons where they feel exactly the same.

他们搬过城市，朋友结了婚，工作变忙，有了孩子，社区也变了。

They moved cities, friends got married, work became busy, kids arrived, communities changed.

区别不在于他们从不感到孤独。

The difference isn't that they never experience loneliness.

区别在于他们从不把孤独变成自己的身份。

The difference is they never let loneliness become their identity.

他们把它当作饥饿一样对待。

They treated it more like hunger.

饥饿不是你本身。

Hunger isn't who you are.

它是一个信号，提醒你有些东西需要关注。

It's a signal that something needs attention.

孤独也是一样的道理。

Loneliness works the same way.

这就是为什么我觉得这第三个转变如此重要。

And this is why I believe this third shift is so important.

目标不是让自己变得更有魅力。

The goal isn't to become more charming.

目标不是让自己变得更有趣。

The goal isn't to become more interesting.

目标是在给别人机会选择之前，不要先假设自己已经被拒绝了。

The goal is to stop assuming you've already been rejected before you've given someone the opportunity to choose.

实际上，他们可能比你想象中更喜欢你。

The reality is they probably like you much more than you even realize.

一旦你不再根据想象中的结果做决定，事情就会发生变化。

Once you stop making decisions based on imagined outcomes, something changes.

我最喜欢查尔斯·霍顿·库利的一句话，他在19世纪90年代说过：今天的挑战是，我不是我以为的我。

One of my favorite quotes from Charles Horton Cooley, which he said in the 1890s, is The challenge today is, I'm not what I think I am.

我不是你以为的我。

I'm not what you think I am.

我是我以为你以为的我。

I am what I think you think I am.

这句话值得你好好琢磨一下。

Let that blow your mind for a moment.

他说，今天的挑战是，我不是我以为的我。

He said the challenge today is I'm not what I think I am.

我不是你以为的我。

I'm not what you think I am.

我就是我认为你对我看法的那个人。

I am what I think you think I am.

也就是说，我们活在对自我看法的看法之中。

Which means we live in a perception of a perception of ourselves.

让我来解释一下。

Let me break it down.

意思是，如果我觉得你认为我聪明，那我就会觉得自己聪明。

What it means is if I think you think I'm smart, then I allow myself to feel smart.

但如果我觉得你认为我很绝望，那我就会感到绝望。

But if I think you think I'm desperate, then I feel desperate.

我们让自以为的他人看法来定义我们对自己的感受。

We let what we think others think of us define how we feel about ourselves.

但实际上，我们根本不知道他们在想什么。

When in reality, we have no idea what they're thinking.

所以，当你觉得某人不喜欢你、和你没有共鸣、不关心你、不想和你在一起时，很可能你只是把自己的信念投射到他们的想法上，然后再反射给自己。

So when you're thinking someone's not into you, not connected to you, not caring about you, not wanting to spend time with you, chances are you're just projecting your belief system onto their thoughts and then reflecting them back to you.

当你打破这种模式，你会更愿意主动联系，更愿意邀请，更愿意跟进，更愿意让别人自己决定他们的感受，而不是替他们做决定。

When you break that pattern, you become more willing to reach out, more willing to invite, more willing to follow-up, more willing to let other people decide how they feel instead of deciding for them.

那么现在假设你确实主动联系了。

So now let's say you do reach out.

你安排了喝咖啡、散步、喝酒，或者别的什么。

You set the coffee, the walk, the drinks, whatever it is.

现在你如何把它变成真正的友谊呢？

Now how do you turn this into a real friendship?

这就是我接下来想谈的，因为第四个转变是：停止寻找默契，开始寻找重复。

That's what I want to talk about next because the fourth shift is this: stop looking for chemistry and start looking for repetition.

我认为我们带入成年期的最大的误区之一就是认为友谊应该立刻产生。

I think one of the biggest myths we carry into adulthood is the idea that friendship should feel instant.

我们见一个人一次，然后立刻问自己一系列问题。

We meet someone once and then immediately ask ourselves a series of questions.

我们合拍吗？

Did we click?

我们之间有没有那种化学反应？

Did we have chemistry?

这几乎像是在谈恋爱。

Almost becomes like dating.

对话是不是自然而然地聊起来了？

Did the conversation flow naturally?

有没有那种特别的感觉？

Did it feel special?

对吧？

Right?

感觉就像，我们怎么变得这么浪漫了？

It's like, why are we getting romantic?

离开的时候有没有感到被关心？

Did I leave feeling cared about?

虽然这些问题不一定错，但它们常常让我们忽略了真正建立友谊的关键因素。

And while those questions are not necessarily wrong, they're often distracting us from what actually creates friendship in the first place.

关于友谊最有趣的研究之一是由堪萨斯大学的研究员杰弗里·霍尔进行的。

One of the most interesting studies on friendship was conducted by researcher Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas.

他想了解友谊是如何真正形成的，他的发现让很多人感到惊讶。

He wanted to understand how friendships actually form and what he found surprised a lot of people.

他的研究发现，从熟人变成普通朋友大约需要五十个小时的共同相处时间。

His research found that moving from acquaintance to casual friend requires roughly fifty hours of shared time.

从普通朋友变成真正的朋友则需要接近九十个小时。

Moving from casual friend to actual friend takes closer to ninety hours.

发展成亲密关系可能需要超过两百个小时的相处。

Developing a close relationship can require more than two hundred hours together.

当我第一次读到这个时，它完全改变了我对友谊的看法，因为大多数人都在想为什么他们没有建立更深的关系。

When I first read that, it completely changed the way I thought about friendship because most people are wondering why they haven't built deeper relationships.

但如果他们诚实面对，他们实际上并没有和任何人花足够的时间在一起。

But if they're honest, they haven't actually spent enough time with anyone.

友谊不是通过一次互动就能建立的。

Friendship isn't built through a single interaction.

友谊是通过积累建立起来的。

Friendship is built through accumulation.

它是通过多次见面，让信任有机会成长而建立的。

It's built through seeing each other enough times that trust has a chance to grow.

想想你最亲密的朋友，那些你遇到麻烦时会打电话的人，那些多年来见证了你不同版本的人？

Think about your closest friends, the people you would call when something goes wrong, The people who have seen multiple versions of you over the years?

这些友谊是怎么开始的？

How did those friendships begin?

对大多数人来说，答案并不特别戏剧化。

For most people, the answer isn't particularly dramatic.

也许你们一起工作过。

Maybe you worked together.

也许你们是室友。

Maybe you were roommates.

也许你们在课堂上坐在一起。

Maybe you sat next to each other in class.

也许你们在同一支队伍里打过球。

Maybe you played on the same team.

你们总是碰见对方。

You kept running into each other.

友谊不是从一次精彩的对话中诞生的。

The friendship wasn't born from one incredible conversation.

它是在时间的反复接触中形成的。

It was born from repeated exposure over time.

其实心理学上有个概念叫“曝光效应”，意思是，我们往往会对那些熟悉的人和事物产生更多好感，仅仅是因为它们变得熟悉了。

There's actually a psychological concept called the mere exposure effect, which suggests that we tend to develop more positive feelings toward people and things simply because they become familiar to us.

熟悉带来舒适。

Familiarity creates comfort.

舒适降低防备，一旦防备降低，关系就有空间发展。

Comfort lowers barriers, and once those barriers come down, connection has room to grow.

这就是为什么我们生活中一些最牢固的友谊，往往始于平凡得令人意外的方式。

That's why some of the strongest friendships in our lives started in surprisingly ordinary ways.

不是因为当时就觉得对方是知己，而是因为生活总让我们在同一个地方碰面。

Not because we immediately recognized each other as soulmates, but because life kept putting us in the same room.

问题是，成年后很少有机会像那样反复遇到新朋友。

The problem is that adulthood rarely requires the conditions to find yourself in the same room as new friends over and over.

所以，仅仅主动出击一次是不够的。

That's why it's not enough just to put yourself out there once.

你需要主动联系，再次安排见面，想办法让彼此继续出现在对方的生活里。

You need to be the one to check back in, make plans again, and find ways to keep showing up for each other.

这里有一个问题，我希望你开始问自己。

Here's a question I want you to start asking yourself.

不要问“我们合得来吗？”

Instead of asking, Did we click?

试着问“我还想再见到这个人吗？”

Try asking, Would I enjoy seeing this person again?

这个问题简单多了。

That's a much simpler question.

这个问题也更有用。

It's also a much more useful one.

因为友谊通常不是从一次难忘的见面中产生的。

Because friendship doesn't usually emerge from one unforgettable meeting.

它是在二十次普通的对话中慢慢形成的。

It emerges from 20 ordinary conversations.

它是在足够多的共同经历中逐渐打下基础的。

It emerges from enough shared experiences that eventually forms a foundation.

一次咖啡变成三次，一次午餐变成十次，一次锻炼后的聊天变成每周六固定的散步。

One coffee becomes three, one lunch becomes ten, one conversation after a workout becomes a standing Saturday walk.

一次互动最终变成友谊，是因为双方都持续出现。

One interaction eventually turns into a friendship because both people keep showing up.

大多数有意义的关系就是这样建立的，不是靠热烈，而是靠持续。

That's how most meaningful relationships are built not through intensity, but through consistency.

这也是为什么定期活动如此有力量。

This is also why recurring activities are so powerful.

徒步小组、跑步俱乐部、志愿组织、宗教或精神社群、运动联赛、读书会、健身班、创意工作坊。

Walking groups, running clubs, volunteer organizations, religious spiritual communities, sports leagues, book clubs, fitness classes, creative workshops.

活动本身不是重点。

The activity itself isn't the point.

重点是重复。

The repetition is.

你一次次出现。

You keep showing up.

他们也一次次出现。

They keep showing up.

熟悉变成舒适。

Familiarity turns into comfort.

舒适变成信任。

Comfort turns into trust.

信任最终变成深厚的友谊。

Trust eventually turns into deep friendship.

有一个东西肯定在加剧我们的孤独危机，那就是社交媒体扭曲了我们对人际关系的期待，因为我们只看到最终成果。

One thing that is definitely not helping our loneliness crisis is the way social media has distorted our expectations of relationships because we only see the finished product.

我们看到的是集体旅行、内部笑话、婚礼照片、生日庆祝。

We see the group trips, the inside jokes, the wedding photos, the birthday celebrations.

我们看不到的是那些时刻之前度过的几百个小时。

What we don't see are the hundreds of hours that came before those moments.

我们看不到那些随意的交谈、一次又一次的午饭、随手发的短信，或者那些慢慢建立信任的小互动。

We don't see the casual conversations, the repeated lunches, the random text messages, or the small interactions that slowly build trust over time.

我们看不到早期阶段，人们为了建立联系而接受自己有点尴尬的样子。

We don't see the early stages where someone embraced being a little awkward in the pursuit of connection.

我们把别人完全成熟的友谊拿来和自己第一次跟陌生人互动比较，然后奇怪为什么感觉不同。

We compare someone's fully formed friendship to our first interaction with a stranger and then wonder why it doesn't feel the same.

我给人们的一个建议是，不要总想着去认识新朋友，而是开始尝试在某个地方成为常客。

One piece of advice I give people is to stop just trying to meet people and start trying to become a regular somewhere.

做一个熟悉的面孔，其实有非常强大的力量。

There's something incredibly powerful about being a familiar face.

每个周六早上去同一家咖啡店，每周二去同一节瑜伽课，每个周末去同一个农贸市场，同一个狗公园，同一个志愿组织。

Go to the same coffee shop every Saturday morning, the same yoga class every Tuesday, the same farmer's market every weekend, the same dog park, the same volunteer organization.

熟悉感会慢慢消除取悦别人的压力。

Familiarity slowly removes the pressure to impress.

第一次见到一个人，你会自我介绍。

The first time you see someone, you introduce yourself.

第五次见面，你挥手打个招呼。

The fifth time, you wave.

第十次，你已经会开玩笑了。

The tenth time, you're making jokes.

第二十次，你们就会一起约着吃午饭了。

The twentieth time you're grabbing lunch afterwards.

友谊通常不是靠谁社交能力特别强建立的。

Friendship isn't usually built because someone had incredible social skills.

友谊是靠一个人不断出现、不断坚持才建立的。

It's built because someone kept coming back.

好了，我们继续，快速回顾一下。

Now, we move on, let's do a quick recap.

第一个转变是明白，建立友谊的体系可能消失了，但友谊本身并没有改变。

The first shift was understanding that the systems to build friendship may have disappeared, but friendship itself hasn't changed.

第二个转变是认识到，恐惧让我们中的许多人没有去抓住已经存在的机会。

The second shift was recognizing that fear keeps many of us from acting on opportunities that already exist.

第三个转变是了解到，人们可能比我们想象中更喜欢我们。

The third shift was learning that people probably like us more than we think they do.

第四个转变是理解，友谊是通过重复建立的，而不是靠瞬间的化学反应。

And the fourth shift is understanding that friendship is built through repetition, not instant chemistry.

如果你一直认真听，你可能已经注意到了一些东西。

If you've been listening closely, you may have noticed something.

我们到目前为止谈到的每一个转变都需要一样东西：主动性。

Every shift we've talked about so far requires one thing: initiative.

因为在某个时刻，如果你想要一个社区，你就不能一直等着别人去建立它。

Because at some point, if you want a community, you have to stop waiting for someone else to build it.

这就引出了第五个也是最后一个转变：别再等待一个社区，开始创造一个吧。

Which brings us to the fifth and final shift: Stop waiting for a community and start creating one.

人们最常说的话之一就是，我希望我有更大的朋友圈。

One of the most common things people say is, I wish I had a bigger friend group.

他们希望有更多的朋友可以一起旅行、一起吃饭、一起庆祝生日，或者在生活艰难时打电话倾诉。

They wish they had more friends to travel with, grab dinner with, celebrate birthdays with, or call when life gets hard.

这种渴望几乎是普遍的。

The desire is almost universal.

大多数人都想要归属感。

Most people want belonging.

大多数人都想要联系。

Most people want connection.

我们大多数人都想要社区。

Most of us want community.

问题是，每个人都想参加晚宴，但很少有人愿意做东道主。

The problem is that everyone wants to attend the dinner party, but very few people want to host it.

我理解为什么。

And I understand why.

组织活动需要付出努力。

Hosting requires effort.

组织活动需要暴露自己的脆弱。

Organizing requires vulnerability.

主动发起可能会遭到别人的拒绝。

Initiating creates the possibility that other people might say no.

坐等别人创造你想要的东西要容易得多。

It's so much easier to sit back and hope someone else creates the thing you're looking for.

等待邀请比发出邀请要容易得多。

It's so much easier to wait for an invitation than it is to send one.

但现实是，在大多数社区里，背后几乎总有一个联络人。

But the reality is in most communities, there is almost always a connector behind the scenes.

有人发起群聊。

Someone starts the group chat.

有人负责张罗生日聚餐。

Someone plans the birthday dinner.

有人组织一年一度的旅行。

Someone organizes the annual trip.

有人记得邀请新来的人。

Someone remembers to invite the new person.

有人会在大家忙的时候发个消息提醒一声。

Someone sends the follow-up text when everyone gets busy.

有人创造了别人最终都能享受的机会。

Someone creates the opportunities that everyone else eventually enjoys.

有趣的是，那个人并不需要是全场最有魅力的。

And what's fascinating is that person does not have to be the most charismatic person in the room.

他们不需要最幽默、最酷或最受欢迎。

They don't need to be the funniest, the coolest, or the most popular.

他们只需要是那个决定主动承担起责任，去创造自己想要的事物的人。

They simply need to be the person who decided to take responsibility for creating the thing they wished existed in the world.

美国卫生总监关于孤独感的报告中最引人注目的发现，不仅仅是人们独处的时间变多了。

One of the most striking findings in The US Surgeon General's report on loneliness isn't simply that people are spending more time alone.

而是我们参与的共同体验比以前少了。

It's that we're participating in fewer shared experiences than we used to.

社区团体少了，邻里组织少了，志愿俱乐部少了，宗教聚会少了，那些不用提前三周安排、每周二晚上都能见到同一群人的地方也少了。

Fewer community groups, fewer neighborhood organizations, fewer volunteer clubs, fewer religious gatherings, fewer places where you see the same faces every Tuesday night without having to schedule it three weeks in advance.

报告描述了社会基础设施的持续侵蚀。

The report describes a steady erosion of social infrastructure.

在很多方面，我们已经变得极其擅长过平行生活。

In many ways, we've become incredibly efficient at living parallel lives.

我们买杂货不用见收银员。

We order groceries without seeing a cashier.

我们远程工作。

We work remotely.

我们看流媒体电影，而不是去电影院。

We stream movies instead of going to the theaters.

我们锻炼时都戴着耳机。

We exercise with headphones on.

我们消费着成千上万的人创作的内容，却很少与身边的人分享自己的经历。

We consume content created by thousands of people while rarely sharing our own experiences with the person next to us.

我们重新设计了生活，让几乎所有事情都可以独自完成。

We've redesigned life so that almost everything can be done alone.

问题是，人类天生就不是为了在孤立中茁壮成长而设计的。

The problem is that human beings weren't built to thrive in isolation.

卫生局局长的报告甚至将长期社交隔离的健康风险与每天吸15支烟相提并论。

The Surgeon General's Advisory went so far as to compare the health risks of chronic social isolation to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

所以，也许问题不是：为什么我没有社区？

So maybe the question isn't, why don't I have community?

也许更好的问题是：在我的每周时间里，我能在哪里为持续的归属感创造空间？

Maybe the better question is, where in my week can I create a space for consistent belonging?

因为归属感不是来自一次对话。

Because belonging doesn't come from one conversation.