如何停止内疚并放下过去的错误

嘿，我是杰。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但我刚才想你了，希望你能对自己多一点耐心，因为你值得，是的。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute, and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it, and yeah.

我很快再跟你聊。

I'll talk to you soon.

如果你在听这期节目，我可以百分之百肯定，你人生中某个时刻一定犯过错误。

If you're listening to this episode, I can guarantee with 100% certainty that at some point in your life, you have made a mistake.

你是人。

You're human.

这很正常。

It happens.

现在，假设你伤害了某人的感情。

Now, let's say you hurt someone's feelings.

你已经道歉了，解释了发生了什么，听了为什么伤害了对方，也说了希望自己能收回那些话。

You've apologized, you've explained what happened, you've listened to why it hurt, and you've said you wish you could take it back.

也许对方甚至已经告诉你，他们原谅你了。

Maybe the other person has even told you they forgive you.

但现在你仍然躺在床上，反复回想当时的对话，拿起手机，纠结要不要再发一条道歉的信息。

But now you're still lying in bed, replaying the conversation, reaching for your phone, and wondering whether you should send one more apology message.

或者，也许你还没有道歉。

Or maybe you haven't apologized yet.

每次你想开口时，都会因为这个错误让你对自己产生如此强烈的负面看法而感到不知所措，以至于不知道该怎么办才好。

Every time you try, you become so overwhelmed by what this mistake says about you that you can't work out what to do about it.

你脑子里反复排练着怎么解释。

You practice explanations in your head.

你总想象最坏的那种回应。

You imagine the worst possible response.

你拼命找那些能让一切翻篇的词儿，可当你花好几个小时难受的时候，被你伤害的人可能还在等你承认这件事。

You search for the exact words that might make the whole thing disappear, and while you're spending hours feeling terrible, the person you hurt may still be waiting for you to acknowledge what happened.

你觉得有责任，但陷在这种情绪里太深，反而没法真正去承担责任。

You feel responsible, but you're so stuck in that feeling that you can't take responsibility yet.

今天，我想和你聊聊内疚、羞耻，以及当你做了真正让自己后悔的事情之后会发生什么。

Today, I want to talk to you about guilt, shame, and what happens after you do something you really regret.

也许你分享了不该由你分享的消息。

Maybe you shared some news that wasn't yours to share.

也许你对所爱的人说了重话，或者在别人指望你的时候让他们失望了。

Maybe you spoke harshly to someone you love or let somebody down when they were counting on you.

这件事可能发生在昨天，也可能是一段旧记忆，仍然会在某个平常的日子里突然冒出来打扰你。

It may have happened yesterday, or it may be an old memory that still finds a way to interrupt a perfectly normal day.

我想明确一下我们在这里要做什么，因为我不想给你一堆方法，让你说服自己事情其实没什么大不了的。

And I want to be clear about what we're trying to do here, because I don't want to give you a list of ways to convince yourself that what happened was fine.

也许事情确实没那么简单。

Maybe it wasn't fine.

也许你真的欠某人一个道歉，或者你需要改变自己的某些行为方式。

Maybe you do owe somebody an apology, or you need to change something about the way you behave.

但承担责任和让自己一直痛苦是有区别的。

But there is a difference between taking responsibility and keeping yourself in pain.

只有其中一种能改变接下来发生的事情，而这才是真正的负责任所需要的。

Only one of those can change what happens next, and that's what true accountability requires.

所以，在思考这一集的时候，我一直反复回到这个问题。

So here's the question I kept coming back to while thinking about this episode.

你觉得你需要为一次错误感到难过多久，才能被允许做得更好？

How much longer do you believe you need to feel bad for a mistake before you're allowed to do better?

是不是要经历多少个不眠之夜，才算足够抱歉？

Is there a number of sleepless nights that would make you sufficiently sorry?

是不是要反复回想多少次，才能证明你明白了？

A certain number of times you need to replay it before you've proved you understand?

我们大多数人从来没有决定过，这种惩罚应该达到什么目的，或者什么时候才算结束。

Most of us have never decided what that punishment is supposed to accomplish or when it would be complete.

我们只是一直延长它，因为感觉好起来似乎是不对的。

We just keep extending it, because feeling better seems wrong.

今天，我会带你了解四种方法，帮你走出这种心态，真正以更健康的方式向前迈进。

Today, I'm going to walk you through four ways to get out of this headspace and actually move forward in a way that's healthier.

首先，我们要把“你做了什么”和“你因此给自己下的定义”分开来看。

First, we're going to separate what you did from everything you've decided it means about you.

然后我们会聊聊什么才是真正有效的补救，为什么别人无法给你一个永久的保证让你觉得一切都好了，以及如何在所有后悔消失之前重新回到你的生活中。

Then we'll talk about what a useful repair actually looks like, why another person can't give you permanent certainty that everything is okay, and how to return to your life before all the regret goes away.

在开始之前，我想先说一点。

And I want to say this before we begin.

如果内疚或者反复的念头影响了你的睡眠、工作或者人际关系，请考虑寻求专业人士的支持。

If guilt or repetitive thoughts are interfering with your sleep, work, or relationships, please consider reaching out to someone for professional support.

即使是你造成了那个错误的中心，你也有权利在陷入漩涡时寻求帮助。

You're allowed to need help with the spiral, even if you caused the mistake at the center of it.

我想说的第一点是，犯错之后，重要的是把“你实际做了什么”和“你因此给自己下的定义”区分开。

The first thing I want to hit on is that after a mistake, it's important to separate what you actually did from what you've decided it means about you.

听听这两句话的区别：“我分享了不该分享的东西”和“我是个糟糕的朋友”。

Listen to the difference between, "I shared something that wasn't mine to share," and, "I'm a terrible friend."

当你难过的时候，这两句话可能听起来都一样真实，但从心理学的角度看，它们会把你引向完全不同的方向。

Those sentences may feel equally honest when you're upset, but psychologically, they take you in very different directions.

研究道德情感的研究人员花了几十年时间研究内疚和羞耻之间的区别。

Researchers who study moral emotions have spent decades looking at the difference between guilt and shame.

内疚和羞耻之间有很大的区别。

There's a big difference between guilt and shame.

内疚通常与某个行为相关联。

Guilt usually stays connected to a behavior.

“我做了件让我后悔的事。”

"I did something I regret."

羞耻则从行为扩展到整个自我。

Shame expands from the behavior into the entire self.

“我这么做是因为我是个糟糕的人。”

"I did this because I'm a terrible person."

研究人员反复发现，内疚更可能促使人们道歉、修复关系并改变行为。

And what researchers have repeatedly found is that guilt is much more likely to lead people toward apology, repair, and changed behavior.

羞耻则更可能让人想要躲藏、退缩、变得防御，有时甚至把愤怒转向外界。

Shame is more likely to make people want to hide, withdraw, become defensive, or sometimes turn their anger outward.

我第一次学到这个的时候很惊讶，因为羞耻感看起来像是更负责任的反应。

That surprised me when I first learned it, because shame can feel like the more responsible response.

把自己说成是个糟糕的人，听起来比说自己处理得不好更严厉，所以你会觉得这肯定能证明你更在乎。

Calling yourself a horrible person feels harsher than saying you handled something badly, so you assume it must prove that you care more.

但最严厉的话往往让真正的责任感变得更难。

But the harshest sentence is often the one that makes real responsibility harder.

如果你分享了私密的东西，你可以承认，道歉，下次更小心。

If you shared something private, you can acknowledge it, apologize, and become more careful next time.

那“我是个糟糕的人”这句话，你又能怎么办呢？

What are you supposed to do with, "I'm a terrible person?"

听起来很严重，但范围太广了，里面没有什么你能真正去改的。

It sounds serious, but it is so broad that there's nothing inside it you can actually fix.

Instagram青少年账户自带保护措施，限制谁能联系青少年、他们能看到的内容，以及他们在应用上花的时间。

Instagram Teen accounts come with automatic protections that limit who can contact teens, the content they can see, and the time they spend on the app.

想了解更多关于青少年账户和Instagram持续保护青少年在线安全的工作，请访问instagram.com/teenaccounts。

Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

想象一下，你在晚餐时开了一个朋友的玩笑，后来他们告诉你这让他们感到尴尬。

Imagine you made a joke about a friend at dinner, and later they told you it embarrassed them.

你可能需要承认，你把一件私人的事情变成了娱乐。

You may need to acknowledge that you made something personal into entertainment.

你可能需要停止开这种玩笑，并且更加注意你分享的内容。

You may need to stop making that kind of joke and be more careful about what you share.

这些都是具体的责任。

Those are specific responsibilities.

“现在桌上的每个人都知道我其实是个糟糕的人”这个结论你无法验证，而且它并不会让你的道歉更有用。

Everyone at that table now knows I'm secretly a horrible person adds a conclusion you can't verify, and it doesn't make your apology more useful.

通常，记忆里包含三样不同的东西：你做了什么，你了解的影响，以及你后来在脑海中添加的一切。

Usually, the memory contains three different things: what you did, what you know about the impact, and everything your mind has added since.

你知道你的朋友说他们感到尴尬，但你不知道桌上每个人现在怎么看你。

You know your friend said they were embarrassed You don't know what every person at the table thinks about you now.

你不知道友谊是否永久受损，或者每个人都在背地里讨论这件事。

You don't know that the friendship is permanently damaged or that everyone is discussing it without you.

认真对待你真正知道的事情。

Take seriously what you actually know.

小心不要把每个恐惧都变成你必须负责的事实。

Be careful about turning every fear into another fact you have to answer for.

试着用一两句话描述发生了什么，就像你在解释一个事件，而不是在给人下结论。

Try describing what happened in one or two sentences as though you were explaining an event instead of delivering a verdict on a person.

比如，“我在同事做演示时打断了他两次，他们告诉我这让他们觉得被轻视了。”

For example, "I interrupted my colleague twice during their presentation, and they told me they felt undermined."

这样你就有东西可以处理了。

That gives you something to work with.

“我毁了一切”可做不到这一点。

"I ruin everything" doesn't do that.

而且你不必一直重建那个场景，直到你终于确定它意味着什么。

And you don't have to keep reconstructing the scene until you finally feel certain about what it means.

说出需要你注意的事情，然后去处理它。

Name what needs your attention, then move toward it.

准确性是双向的。

Accuracy works in both directions.

也许你因为真的不舒服而取消了计划，现在因为对方失望而感到难过。

Maybe you canceled a plan because you were genuinely unwell, and now you feel awful because the other person was disappointed.

他们的失望是真实的。

Their disappointment is real.

但这并不能证明你做了错误的决定。

It still doesn't prove you made the wrong decision.

另一方面，如果你违背了承诺且没有沟通，那可能确实需要修复。

On the other hand, if you broke a commitment and never communicated, there may be something to repair.

内疚感的强度不能替你决定这件事。

The strength of the guilty feeling cannot decide that for you.

你仍然需要诚实地看待发生了什么。

You still have to look honestly at what happened.

当你重复这种行为时，这一点就更重要了。

This also matters more when you've repeated the behavior.

也许你经常迟到，以至于说“我就迟到过一次”反而会淡化问题。

Maybe you've been late often enough that, "I was late once" would minimize what's happening.

那么准确的描述应该是：“我经常让别人等我，我需要改变我的计划和沟通方式。”

Then the accurate description is, "I've repeatedly left people waiting, and I need to change how I plan and communicate."

你可以承认一种行为模式，而不必认为它会永远持续下去。

You can acknowledge a pattern without deciding it is permanent.

事实上，模式会告诉你，哪里可能需要不同的系统、界限或支持。

In fact, a pattern gives you information about where a different system, boundary, or kind of support may be needed.

我知道有些人在听，心里想：“但说我处理得不好，感觉太轻描淡写了。”

And I know some people are listening and thinking, "But saying I handled it badly feels too easy.

把自己说成是个糟糕的人，才能证明我明白事情有多严重。”

Calling myself a horrible person proves I understand how serious it was."

我理解这种想法，但先别急着下结论，我们继续思考一下。

I get that instinct, but stay with the question for a moment.

骂自己到底能带来什么好处？

What does the insult actually add?

它有没有揭示你遗漏的后果？

Does it reveal a consequence you missed?

它有没有帮助你道歉或倾听？

Does it help you apologize or listen?

它有没有让你更不容易重复同样的行为？

Does it make you less likely to repeat the behavior?

还是它只是让你觉得自己更渺小？

Or does it simply make you feel smaller?

你可以如实说出自己做了什么，而不必给自己贴上一个永远要背负的标签。

You can tell the truth about what you did without adding a label you have to call yourself forever.

所以，先从把问题理清楚、便于着手解决开始。

So start by keeping the problem clear enough to work on.

你可以说：“当别人给我反馈时，我表现得很有防御性，我想回去好好听一听。”

You might say, "I acted defensively when someone gave me feedback, and I want to go back and listen."

这句话为被你影响的人、你做出的选择，以及现在可以做出的选择都留出了空间。

That sentence leaves room for the person you affected, the choice you made, and the choice available now.

允许自己找到解决办法，并不等于原谅了错误。

You haven't excused anything by allowing resolution to exist.

你只是给了自己一个更好的回应方式。

You've just given yourself a better way to respond.

你对所犯错误的回应是修复关系的关键，尽量客观地看待问题会很有帮助。

Your response to a mistake you made is key to recovering a relationship, and it helps to think about the situation as objectively as possible.

想象一下，你爱的人对你说：“我真的搞砸了。

Imagine someone you love comes to you and says, "I really messed up.

我该怎么办？”

What do I do?"

你可能会告诉他们道歉、倾听，并做出改变。

You might tell them to apologize, listen, and make a change.

你不必假装没事，但大概也不会花一个小时去说他们一无是处。

You wouldn't have to pretend it was fine, but you probably wouldn't spend the next hour telling them they're worthless either.

我们常常对自己说的话，如果出自别人之口，我们立刻会觉得那是有毒的。

We often speak to ourselves in a way we would immediately recognize as toxic if it came from anyone else.

这里有个实用的练习，可能感觉有点不寻常。

There's a practical exercise here that may feel a little unusual.

试着在思考下一步的时候，用你自己的名字。

Try using your own name when you think through your next step.

比如，我可能会说：“杰，你希望当时处理得不一样。”

For example, I might say, "Jay, you wish you'd handled that differently.

现在你需要关注什么？”

What needs your attention now?"

用你的名字，其实就是试着换个角度看问题。

Using your name is simply a way to try taking a little perspective.

这样你就有机会从外部视角来回应情况，而不是只对情绪做出反应。

It gives you a chance to answer the situation from an outside view rather than only react to the feeling.

心理学家伊桑·克罗斯和他的同事们研究过这个。

The psychologist Ethan Kross and his colleagues have studied this.

他们发现，当人们在思考压力情境时使用自己的名字，这个小小的改变能帮助他们建立一些心理距离，从而更清晰地做出回应。

They found that when people used their own names while thinking through stressful situations, that tiny change helped them create some psychological distance and respond more clearly.

我特别喜欢这个方法的简单之处。

I love how simple that is.

你并不是要强行把情绪赶走，只是换了一个词而已。

You're not trying to force the emotion away, you're just changing one word.

比如说，“杰，现在什么需要你注意？”

Saying, "Jay, what needs your attention right now?"

这样得到的答案，和你在脑子里反复纠结“我怎么会犯这种错误”是完全不同的。

can give me a very different answer than staying inside the endless loop of, "How could I have made this mistake?"

给自己一个机会，像给别人提建议那样来回答。

And give yourself a chance to answer as if you're giving another person advice.

这样能让你更客观地看待下一步该怎么做。

This helps you be more objective about the best next step.

也许你需要打个电话，纠正自己说过的话，或者等对方准备好再谈。

Maybe you need to make a call, correct something you said, or wait until the other person is ready to speak.

或者你发现自己已经累得不行了，还在问一个已经问过十遍的问题。

Or maybe you realize you're exhausted and asking yourself a question you've already answered 10 times.

目标是找到方向，而不是一直重复这个练习，指望所有不舒服的感觉都消失。

The goal is to find direction, not to keep repeating the exercise hoping every uncomfortable feeling disappears.

通常，这时候会有人说：“如果我对自已好一点，岂不是就轻易放过自己了？”

Now, usually, this is where somebody says, "If I'm kind to myself, won't I just let myself off the hook?"

这种担心是有道理的。

That fear makes sense.

很多人长期以来依赖自我批评，以至于认为它是我们执行道德标准的那部分。

A lot of us have relied on self-criticism for so long that we think it is the part of us enforcing our moral standards.

如果我不再攻击自己，谁来确保我不会再犯同样的错误？

If I stop attacking myself, who will make sure I will never do this again?

但朱莉安娜·布赖恩斯和塞雷娜·陈的研究发现，结果与许多人的预期相反。

But research by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen found the opposite of what many people expect.

在他们的实验中，那些以自我同情回应错误的人，报告说更有动力去弥补并避免重蹈覆辙。

In their experiments, people who responded to a mistake with self-compassion reported greater motivation to make amends and avoid repeating it.

他们并没有变得不那么负责任。

They didn't become less responsible.

他们反而更愿意去改进。

They become more interested in improving.

想想看，当你确定承认错误会让自己难堪时，会发生什么。

Think about what happens when you're certain that admitting a mistake will lead to humiliation.

你可能在对方还没说完影响之前，就开始为自己辩解了。

You may start defending your intention before the other person is finished describing the impact.

你可能会解释自己当时压力多大，提起对方的错误，或者干脆避开这次对话。

You may explain how stressed you were, bring up their mistakes, or avoid the conversation entirely.

如果你和自己关系不那么对立，就更容易听进去一些不舒服的话，而不必立刻逃开。

A less hostile relationship with yourself can make it easier to hear something uncomfortable without having to escape it immediately.

自我同情能让你有耐心去真正理解，为什么你的行为会伤害到对方。

Self-compassion gives you the patience to reach the point of truly understanding why someone is hurt by your actions.

你也不需要列出一堆你做过的善事来证明自己是个好人，或者翻出从小到大的每个错误来证明自己一直很糟糕。

You also don't need to list every kind thing you've ever done to prove you're actually a good person, or run through every mistake since childhood to prove you've always been terrible.

这两种想法对眼前的人都没有任何帮助。

Neither of those thoughts helps the person in front of you.

当他们需要真诚的道歉时，如果你还在纠结这一件事是否定义了你整个人，那就更难开口了。

When they need a sincere apology, that's much harder to offer when you're still trying to decide what this one moment says about your entire character.

你也有空间去理解是什么导致了你的行为。

There's also room to understand what contributed to your behavior.

如果你因为疲惫和压力过大而发火，你可以在承认别人承受了你的情绪的同时，考虑这些因素。

If you snapped because you were exhausted and overloaded, you can consider those conditions while acknowledging that someone else received your frustration.

了解背景能帮你更早注意到预警信号，并制定更好的计划。

The context can help you notice earlier warning signs and make a better plan.

但记住，这并不强迫对方接受这个影响。

But remember, it doesn't obligate the other person to accept the impact.

理解自己应该给你更多选择，让你能做出不同的行为。

Understanding yourself should give you more options for behaving differently.

所以下次当内心严厉的声音响起时，试着用听起来像有用建议的方式回应。

So next time the harsh inner voice starts, experiment with a response that sounds like useful guidance.

你已经道歉了，现在要兑现改变。

You've already apologized, now follow through on the change.

你不需要说服自己你把一切都处理得很完美。

You don't have to convince yourself that you handled everything beautifully.

你是在努力让自己变得足够冷静，好去做下一件负责任的事。

You're trying to become level-headed enough to do the next responsible thing.

第二件我想说的是，如何做出真正属于你的修复。

The second thing I want to talk about is how to make the repair that is actually yours to make.

在这里，我经常看到内疚会误导人。

This is where I often see guilt being misleading.

你感觉很糟，于是你专注于表达你有多糟。

You feel terrible, so you become focused on communicating just how terrible you feel.

你写了一条长长的消息，说你睡得多么少，这多么不像你，你哭得停不下来。

You write a long message about how little you've slept, how unlike you this was, and how you can't stop crying.

这些可能都是真的，但在发送之前，问问自己："这能让他们感到被理解，还是我在让他们来照顾我现在的糟糕感受？"

All of that may be true, but before you send it, ask yourself, "Is this helping them feel understood, or am I asking them to take care of how bad I feel now?"

有一项关于道歉的研究，我觉得在这里非常有用。

There's a study on apologies that I find so useful here.

在两项涉及755人的实验中，研究人员罗伊·莱维奇、贝丝·波林和罗伯特·朗特测试了道歉中可能出现的六个不同要素。

Across two experiments involving 755 people, researchers Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Lount tested six different elements that can appear in an apology.

总体而言，最重要的就是简单承认责任。

The most important overall, simply acknowledging responsibility.

其次重要的是主动提出弥补损害。

The next most important was offering to repair the damage.

你知道排在最后的是什么吗？

And do you know what came last?

请求原谅。

Asking for forgiveness.

这并不意味着原谅不重要。

That doesn't mean forgiveness doesn't matter.

这意味着你可能最迫切想要的部分，比如“请告诉我我们没事了”，不一定是对对方来说让道歉有意义的部分。

It means the part you may want most urgently, for example, "Please tell me we're okay," isn't necessarily the part that makes the apology meaningful to the other person.

他们在听的是你是否明白自己做了什么，以及你是否准备好去解决它。

They're listening for whether you understand what you did and whether you're prepared to address it.

这样一来，道歉的重点就不再是得到你想要的回应，而是回到对方所经历的事情上。

That shifts the focus of the apology away from getting the response you want and back toward what they experienced.

当你以“我哭了一整天”开始道歉时，

When you begin your apology with, "I've been crying all day.

“我真是个糟糕的人。”

I'm such an awful person.

“我不知道你怎么还能再看我一眼”来开头，你可能确实在描述自己的真实感受，但看看对方现在需要做什么。

I don't know how you'll ever look at me again," you may be describing exactly how you feel, but look at what the other person now has to do.

他们可能还没来得及解释自己为什么受伤，就得先来安慰你。

They may end up comforting you before even having had the time to explain why they were hurt.

你的情绪需要有个出口。

Your feelings need somewhere to go.

但要注意，别把所有这些情绪都抛给那个还在承受你行为后果的人。

Just be careful about handing all of them to the person who is still dealing with the impact of what you did to them.

如果不小心，道歉可能会变成接收者的另一个负担。

If you're not careful, an apology can become another burden for the person receiving it.

如果他们还得安慰你，把事情说得轻描淡写，因为他们还在乎你的感受，那情感上的负担就又回到了他们身上。

If they have to reassure you and minimize what happened because they still care about your feelings, the emotional work has moved straight back onto them.

一个有用的道歉，是给对方的情感体验留出空间，而不是让他们来承担你的情感负担。

A useful apology makes room for their emotional experience without asking them to take on your emotional labor.

当然，你可能会希望得到原谅。

Of course, you may hope for forgiveness.

你可能非常希望这段关系能回到以前的样子。

You may desperately want the relationship to feel normal again.

你可能希望他们说理解你，或者说他们也做过类似的事，或者说这没什么大不了的，但这些回应是他们的事。

You may want them to say they understand or say that they've done similar things or say that it wasn't a big deal, but those responses belong to them.

你该做的，是真诚地承认你造成的伤害。

Your part is to offer genuine acknowledgment of the pain you caused.

我还发现，从实际角度想想怎么修复关系，会很有帮助。

I also find it helps to think in practical terms about what repair will look like.

如果你给了别人错误的信息，那就和相关的人去纠正它。

If you gave someone incorrect information, correct it with the relevant people.

如果你给同事留下了额外的工作，那就商量一下怎么承担你应尽的那份责任。

If you left extra work for a colleague, discuss how to take on your fair share.

如果你弄坏了什么东西，就提出一个合适的赔偿或修复方案。

If you damaged something, offer an appropriate way to replace or repair it.

这个行动应该与造成的伤害相关，并且尊重对方的意愿，而不是仅仅做你能想到的最大的姿态。

The action should relate to the harm and respect the other person's preferences rather than simply being the grandest gesture you can imagine.

而这一点，人们常常搞错。

And this is the part people often get wrong.

有时候，大动作反而比小改变更容易。

Sometimes the big gesture is easier than the small change.

送一大束花比开始准时到场要容易得多。

It's easier to send a huge floral bouquet than to start arriving on time.

写一封五页的道歉信，比在你想讲个有趣故事时忍住不分享别人的私事要容易。

It's easier to write a five-page apology than to stop sharing private details when you want a funny story to tell.

盛大的道歉只发生一次，但真正的改变需要你一次又一次地付出。

The big grand apology happens once, but real change asks something of you again and again.

这不一定能立刻让人满意，也不一定让你当下感觉更好，但真正的修复需要时间，而且往往是在之后才发生的。

It's not always instantly satisfying, and it doesn't always make you feel better in the moment, but real repair takes time and often happens later.

当然，道歉时说的话很重要，你在接下来的几天、几周、几个月里做的事情也同样重要。

The words, of course, matter when you apologize, and what you do in the days, weeks, and months to come matters too.

这就是我想让你问自己的：如果没人能看到你有多内疚，承担责任会是什么样子？

This is where I want you to ask, what would taking responsibility look like if nobody could see how guilty you felt?

也许就是在下次会议上给予准确的功劳。

Maybe it would look like giving accurate credit in the next meeting.

也许意味着在别人依赖你之前，告诉他们你无法做出承诺。

Maybe it would mean telling someone you can't make a commitment before they depend on you.

也许意味着为你一直承诺要改变的行为模式寻求支持。

Maybe it would mean getting support for a pattern you keep promising to change.

这些行为可能不会立刻带来安慰，但它们仍然很重要。

There may be no immediate reassurance attached to those actions, but they still matter.

也有一些情况下，主动联系是不受欢迎或不合适的。

There are also circumstances where reaching out is unwelcome or inappropriate.

如果对方要求不联系，你想道歉的意愿并不能取消这个界限。

If someone has asked for no contact, your desire to apologize does not cancel that boundary.

修复可能意味着尊重距离，通过合适的渠道履行义务，并在没有观众的情况下改变行为。

Repair may involve respecting the distance, following through on obligations through appropriate channels, and changing behavior without an audience.

即使你付出了真诚的努力，有些后果仍然会存在。

Some consequences will remain even after sincere effort.

你可以承认这个现实，而不必认为现在变得更负责任就没有价值。

You can acknowledge that reality without deciding there is no value in becoming more responsible now.

在总是立即联系对方之前，先暂停一下。

Pause before always instantly reaching out.

问问自己，听到你的消息对这个人有帮助，还是主要是让你自己好受。

Ask whether hearing from you would help this person or mainly relieve you.

也许道歉会很有意义，也许它会重新揭开他们努力想要放下的往事。

Maybe an apology would mean a lot, or maybe it would reopen something they've worked hard to move past.

一旦你确定了正确的回应，如果你正在和被你伤害的人沟通，让你的道歉足够具体，以便能够兑现。

Once you've identified the correct response, if you are communicating with the person you've hurt, let your apology be concrete enough to follow through on.

“我会变得更好”这句话很难百分之百做到。

"I'll be a better person" is difficult to act on 100% of the time.

如果你说“我会在迟到的时候告诉你，而不是让你一直找我”，那这就是一个你可以练习的行为。

If you say, "I'll tell you when I'm running late rather than leaving you to chase me," that's a behavior you can practice.

承认发生了什么，尽力去解决你能解决的问题，并且持续做出你承诺的改变。

Acknowledge what happened, address what you reasonably can, and keep making the agreed change.

本期节目由Chase Sapphire Reserve信用卡赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve.

我们能给自己最好的礼物之一，就是有机会跳出日常的轨道。

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside our routine.

旅行总能让我们慢下来，换个角度看世界。

Travel has a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective.

有了Chase Sapphire Reserve卡，每一段旅程都变得更加值得。

And with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding.

在直接预订的航班和酒店上赚取四倍积分，享受获奖机场贵宾厅，餐饮消费三倍积分，还能预订专属餐桌。

Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct, enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges, three times the points on dining, and reserve exclusive tables.

更多信息请访问 chase.com/sapphirereserve。

Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve.

卡片由摩根大通银行发行，FDIC成员，需经信用审批，条款适用。

Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA member FDIC, subject to credit approval, terms apply.

下一个挑战是让对方决定他们对这件事的感受。

The next challenge is allowing the other person to decide what they feel about that.

这引出了我们需要解决的第三件事。

Which leads me to the third thing we need to address.

第三个想法是让对方拥有他们的回应。

The third idea is to let the other person have their response.

说实话，这可能是最难的部分。

And honestly, this may be the hardest part.

你可以真诚道歉，却只得到两个字的回复。

You can give a sincere apology and receive a two-word reply.

你可以做出改变，却发现信任恢复的时间比你希望的要长得多。

You can make a change and realize that trust is taking much longer to return than you hoped.

你能做的都做了，但关系什么时候能恢复正常，甚至能不能恢复正常，你依然无法掌控。

You can do everything available to you and still have no control over when or if the relationship feels normal again.

当这种不确定性让你难以忍受时，你会忍不住反复确认：“我们没事吧？”

When that uncertainty feels unbearable, it's tempting to keep checking, "Are we okay?"

然后变成：“你确定我们没事吗？”

Then that becomes, "Are you sure we're okay?"

接着你发现对方的消息少了平时的温度，于是又想再问一次。

Then you notice that their message doesn't have its usual warmth, and you want to ask again.

每次得到的回答都能让你暂时安心，但很快又会出现新的细节让你琢磨。

Each answer helps for a moment, but soon there's a new detail to interpret.

你开始寻找一个完美的回应，希望从此不再怀疑，但这样的回应可能根本不存在。

You begin looking for a response so perfect that you'll never doubt it afterward, and that may not exist.

寻求安慰可能会变成一个循环。

Reassurance-seeking can become a cycle.

你问出问题，感觉好了一些，但只是暂时的。

You ask the question and feel better, but only for a moment.

所以我想让你注意的是，这段对话是否真的在给你提供新的信息。

So what I want you to notice is whether the conversation is actually giving you new information.

你是在回应新发生的事情，还是因为上次的回答不再让你满意，所以又问了一遍同样的问题？

Are you responding to something new that happened, or are you asking the same question again because the last answer no longer feels satisfying?

即使对方已经明确接受了你的道歉，你可能也会遇到类似的情况。

You may recognize a version of this even when the other person has clearly accepted your apology.

你的心里会想，他们是不是只是出于礼貌才这么说的。

Your mind asks whether they only said it to be polite.

然后又会想，他们是不是从昨天起就改变了想法。

Then it asks whether they've changed their mind since yesterday.

你可能会想换个稍微不同的问题再问一次，希望这次能得到一个最终答案。

You may want to go back with a slightly different question, hoping that this answer will finally settle it.

但另一个人无法让你永远了解他们的感受，而要求他们这样做，可能会让你们俩都不断回到那个事件上。

But another person cannot give you permanent access to their feelings, and asking them to do so can keep both of you returning to the incident.

在重新开启对话之前，先问问自己：“真的有什么新情况发生吗？”

Before you reopen the conversation, ask, "Has anything new actually happened?"

也许他们告诉了你一个你之前没意识到的影响，或者还有一些实际问题需要解决。

Maybe they told you about an impact you hadn't understood, or there's still something practical to resolve.

那就去处理那些问题吧。

Go ahead and address that.

但如果除了那种不舒服的感觉又回来了之外，什么都没变，再发一条消息可能只会让这个循环重新开始。

But if nothing has changed except that the uncomfortable feeling returned, another message may only restart the cycle.

你可以从另一个信任的朋友那里获得支持，而不必让被你伤害的人再回答同样的问题。

You can get support from a different trusted friend without asking the person you hurt to answer the same question again.

而且有时候，对方确实还在生气。

And sometimes the other person really is still upset.

他们可能需要时间。

They may need time.

他们可能想要一个你没想到的改变。

They may want a change you hadn't considered.

他们可能觉得这段关系需要不同的界限。

They may decide the relationship needs different boundaries.

尊重他们的感受和惩罚自己是两回事。

Respecting their feelings and punishing yourself are not the same action.

他们的愈合时间可能和你自我原谅的时间不一样。

Their healing may be on a different timeline than your self-forgiveness should be.

也有可能他们真的原谅了你，但你自己感觉不到被原谅。

There's also the chance that they genuinely forgive you, but you don't feel forgiven.

也许一开始一起吃饭会有点尴尬。

Maybe dinner together feels a little awkward at first.

你不必把那种尴尬当作道歉失败的证据。

You don't have to interpret that awkwardness as proof that the apology failed.

给普通对话和新经历留点空间，即使过程中有些成长的烦恼。

Let there be room for an ordinary conversation and new experiences beyond what happened, even if there are a few growing pains along the way.

这就引出了我想说的第四个也是最后一个观点。

Which takes me to the fourth and final idea I'd like to hit on.

即使还有些遗憾，你仍然可以继续前进。

You can move forward while some regret is still present.

我觉得很多人都在等一个时刻，但自己却没意识到。

I think there is a moment many people are waiting for without realizing it.

等内疚感消失了，等关系完全恢复正常了，等回忆不再刺痛了，那时候我才觉得自己可以往前走了。

Once the guilt disappears, once the relationship feels completely normal, once the memory stops hurting, then I'll know I'm allowed to move on.

但如果那种“被允许”的感觉不会一下子到来呢？

But what if the feeling of permission doesn't arrive all at once?

如果你的行为先于情绪改变呢？

What if your actions change before your emotions do?

你可能已经道过歉，修复了关系，但一想起那件事，心里还是有个疙瘩。

You may have apologized, made the repair, and still feel a knot in your stomach when you remember.

那种感觉并不一定意味着你还有什么没做的事。

That feeling doesn't automatically mean there is another action you've missed.

有时候那只是说明你仍然对那件事感到遗憾，这没什么。

Sometimes it just means you still regret what happened, and that's fine.

你的日常生活不能永远停滞不前。

Your day-to-day life can't be on hold forever.

即使心里还有遗憾，你也得做饭、把欠的邮件发完、遛狗，或者听伴侣讲讲他们下午过得怎么样。

Even amidst feelings of regret, you need to make lunch, finish the email you owe, walk the dog, or listen to your partner tell you about their afternoon.

做这些事的时候，那段痛苦的回忆可能会突然冒出来。

The painful memory might show up while you're doing those things.

你可以注意到它，但别让它控制你。

You can notice it without letting it take over.

你不需要先达到某种情绪状态，才能决定把注意力放在哪里。

You don't need to achieve a particular emotional state before making a useful choice about where you're putting your attention.

一个实用的做法是，把已经做的弥补和接下来打算做的改变写下来。

One practical thing you can do is write down the repair you have already made and the next change you intend to make.

写简单点就行。

Keep it very simple.

我道过歉了。

I apologized.

我说错的话也纠正了。

I corrected what I said.

下次我感到沮丧时，我会先等一等再回应。

The next time I'm frustrated, I'm going to wait before I respond.

然后当记忆再次浮现时，你不需要重新经历整个情况来证明你记得它。

Then when the memory returns, you don't have to work through the entire situation again to prove you remember it.

你可以看看你写下的内容，然后问自己是否真的有什么改变。

You can look at what you wrote and ask whether anything has actually changed.

如果有新的行动需要采取，那就去做。

If there is a new action to take, take it.

如果没有，你已经知道自己承诺要做出什么不同的改变。

If there isn't, you already know what you're committed to doing differently.

然后选择一项需要你全神贯注的活动，持续10到15分钟。

Then choose one activity that asks for your full attention for the next 10 or 15 minutes.

做一道需要你按步骤操作的菜，去散散步，或者给一个与这件事无关的人打个电话。

Cook something that requires you to follow a few steps, go for a walk, and call someone who has nothing to do with the situation.

完成工作中的一项任务。

Finish one task at work.

坐下来看个节目，别再反复查看消息了。

Sit down and watch a show without checking the message again.

目的不是让你分心到完全忘记那个错误。

The aim isn't to distract yourself until you never think about the mistake.

你是在练习让生活的其他部分同时也有分量。

You're practicing letting another part of your life matter at the same time.

一开始，那个记忆可能每30秒就打断你一次，但每次你都要主动选择回到眼前的食谱、工作或对话中。

At first, the memory may interrupt you every 30 seconds, but you make the active choice to return to the recipe, work, or conversation in front of you each time.

如果还有需要修复的事情，就在日历上给它安排个时间。

And if there's an ongoing repair, give it a place in your calendar.

也许你需要周五和同事确认一下，月底还某人钱，或者等情绪平复后再谈一次。

Maybe you need to check in with your colleague on Friday, repay someone at the end of the month, or have another conversation once emotions have settled.

决定好什么时候做这些。

Decide when that will happen.

否则，你可能会每小时都在想现在是不是该做更多的时候。

Otherwise, you can spend every hour wondering whether now is the moment you should do more.

知道自己有真正的计划，你就能在行动之间的时间里安心待着。

Knowing that you have a real plan allows you to be present in the time between those actions.

最后，做一件小事，体现你现在想成为什么样的人。

Finally, do something small that reflects the person you're trying to be now.

兑现你许下的承诺。

Keep a promise you made.

别人说话时，认真听。

Listen carefully when somebody is speaking.

保护别人告诉你的秘密。

Protect a secret someone shares with you.

这并不能抹去之前的错误，也不是为了抹去。

It does not erase the earlier mistake, and it isn't meant to.

它让那些遗憾有了一个有用的去处。

It gives all that regret somewhere useful to go.

随着时间推移，你会学会带着记忆生活，而不让它替你决定一切。

Over time, you learn that you can carry the memory without letting it make every decision for you.

继续前进是必要的，但我也知道，一旦你开始向前走，在愧疚中生活可能会变得更加困难。

Moving forward is necessary, but I also know that trying to live during the guilt can become even more difficult once you do start to move on.

你因为某件事笑了，然后想起自己做错了什么，立刻想：“我伤害了别人，怎么还能开心呢？”

You laugh at something, then remember what you did wrong, and immediately think, "How can I be happy when I hurt someone?"

但你失去那一刻的快乐，对他们来说会有什么改变吗？

But what would you losing that moment of happiness change for them?

笑一下不代表你不再在乎了。

Laughing at something doesn't mean you stopped caring.

可能还有后果要面对，有承诺要遵守。

There may still be consequences to face and promises to keep.

享受一个时刻并不会抵消这些。

Enjoying a moment doesn't cancel these out.

这里我想挑战一个在反复思考背后隐藏的假设。

This is where I want to challenge an assumption that sits underneath so much rumination.

那就是，继续感到痛苦是你证明道歉真诚的方式。

The idea that continuing to feel terrible is how you keep proving the apology was sincere.

你可以对某个糟糕的决定感到后悔，但不必回到你第一次意识到问题时的强烈情绪中。

You can regret a bad choice without returning to the emotional intensity of the moment you first realized.

随着生活继续，会有其他人需要你关注，也会有其他机会去练习关怀。

As life continues, there will be other people who need your attention and other opportunities to practice care.

也请让自己在这些时刻保持在场。

Allow yourself to be present for those moments, too.

留意一下这种反复回想的行为正在对你产生什么影响，可能会有所帮助。

It may help to notice what the replay is doing.

有时候，反思一件事能让我们发现一些重要的东西，比如之前忽略的后果，或者想要做出的实际改变。

Sometimes reflecting on an event reveals something important, a consequence you overlooked or a practical change you want to make.

但另一些时候，你只是在反复回想同样的细节，得出同样令人痛苦的结论。

At other times, you're reviewing the same details and arriving at the same painful conclusion.

有时候，不妨大声问问自己：现在还有没有新的行动可以采取？如果没有，那就允许自己回到刚才做的事情上去。

Sometimes it helps to ask out loud whether there is a new action available, and if there isn't, then allow yourself to return to what you were doing.

而有时候，有些事就是无法弥补的。

And sometimes there is something you cannot repair.

就像我一开始说的，我们都是人。

As I said in the beginning, we're human.

我们都会犯错，生活中这些事确实会发生。

We make mistakes, and these things do happen in life.

一段关系可能会改变。

A relationship may change.

一个机会可能会错过。

An opportunity may be gone.

有人可能永远不会给你想要的安心。

Someone may never give you the reassurance you're hoping for.

七天挑战由Altra Running为您呈现。

The Seven Day Challenge is brought to you by Altra Running.

创造空间可以改变一切。

Creating space can change everything.

空间让你更清晰地思考，有意识地行动，专注于真正重要的事情。

Space to think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what truly matters.

Altra跑鞋的设计采用了Altra贴合技术，让你的脚有足够的空间，能够自然、舒适地活动，并且随着时间推移越来越强健。

Altra running shoes are designed with the Altra fit, giving your feet the room they need to move naturally, comfortably, and with strength over time.

那么，这就是本周的“七日挑战”。

Now, here's this week's Seven Day Challenge.

在接下来的七天里，我希望你选择走远路。

For the next seven days, I want you to take the long way.

我们一生中花了太多时间去找最快的路线、捷径，以及从当前位置到达目的地的最有效方式。

We spend so much of our lives trying to find the fastest route, the shortcut, the most efficient way to get from where we are to where we need to be.

但这一周，每天一次，我希望你刻意选择一条不同的路。

But this week, once a day, I want you to deliberately choose a different path.

去买咖啡时，走更远的路。

Walk the longer route to get your coffee.

回家时，换一条街走。

Take a different street home.

去探索一条你从未走过的小径。

Explore a trail you've never taken.