让你依然不快乐的惊人原因

嘿，我是杰。

Hey, it's Jay.

我不知道你今天过得怎么样，但我刚才想你了。

I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.

我希望你能对自己多一点耐心，因为你值得。

And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it.

好的，我很快再联系你。

And, yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

我觉得你可能会不开心的一个最大原因，就是你想自己太多了。

I think one of the biggest reasons you might be unhappy is because you're thinking about yourself too much.

先听我说完。

Now just hear me out.

我不是说你自私或者以自我为中心。

I'm not saying you're selfish or self centered.

我不是说你只关心自己。

I'm not saying you only care about yourself.

但我要说的这件事，几乎我们每个人都会做。

But I am talking about something that almost every single one of us does.

我们过度分析自己，以至于变得不快乐。

We overanalyze ourselves to the point of unhappiness.

你有没有过这样的想法：我觉得我做的每件事都是对的，为什么我还是对自己不满意？

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, I feel like I'm doing everything right, so why don't I feel good about myself?

也许你比以前运动得更多了。

Maybe you're exercising more than you used to.

你去看心理医生。

You're going to therapy.

你吃得更健康了。

You're eating healthier.

你努力在人际关系中更用心。

You're trying to be more intentional in your relationships.

你读书、听播客、写日记、冥想，真心想成为更好的自己。

You're reading books, listening to podcasts, journaling, meditating, and genuinely trying to become a better version of yourself.

从外表看，你的生活完全符合大家说的能让人更幸福的样子。

From the outside, your life looks exactly like what everyone says should make someone happier.

但你还是觉得哪里不对劲。

And yet there's still this feeling that something isn't clicking.

我经常听人这么说。

I hear this from people all the time.

他们会说，杰，我真搞不懂。

They'll say, Jay, I don't understand it.

我明明在努力，但还是感觉不到平静。

I'm doing the work, but I still don't feel peaceful.

我还是会想太多。

I still overthink everything.

我还是会跟周围的人比较。

I still compare myself to everyone around me.

如果你也有过这种想法，我想告诉你，你不是一个人。

If you've ever had that thought, I want you to know you're not alone.

但我也想提出一个可能让你有点不舒服的观点。

But I also want to suggest something that might feel a little uncomfortable.

如果让你感到困住的原因，不是因为你对自己下的功夫还不够呢？

What if the reason you still feel stuck isn't because you haven't worked on yourself enough?

如果恰恰相反，是因为你只关注自己太久了呢？

What if instead it's because you've been working on only yourself for too long?

如果在这个过程中，你的注意力被过度困在了自己的生活里呢？

What if somewhere along the way your attention became too trapped inside your own life?

想想你从今天开始到现在，就今天一天。

Think about your day so far, just today.

你产生了多少念头？

How many thoughts have you had?

穿的衣服对不对，开会时是不是说错了话，感情关系是不是该有的样子，自己够不够有吸引力，够不够高效，够不够成功。

Whether you wore the right outfit, whether you said the wrong thing in that meeting, whether your relationship is where it should be, whether you're attractive enough, productive enough, successful enough.

尤其是在我们努力改善生活的时候，大量的注意力都指向了同一个方向——向内看。

Especially when we're trying to improve our lives, so much of our attention gets pointed in the same direction inward.

这不是性格缺陷。

This isn't a character flaw.

这其实是很人性化的。

It's actually very human.

当我们感到压力、焦虑、孤独、心碎或不确定时，大脑自然会变得更加自我关注。

When we're stressed, anxious, lonely, heartbroken, or uncertain, our brains naturally become more self focused.

心理学家称这个过程为反刍思维。

Psychologists call this process rumination.

但有时候，我们的思绪不是在帮我们解决问题，而是开始反复回放这些问题。

But sometimes instead of helping us solve problems, our minds just start replaying them.

我们会反复回想几天前已经结束的对话。

We revisit conversations that ended days ago.

我们会想象那些还没发生的困难情况。

We imagine hard situations that haven't happened yet.

我们不断地自我审视，希望只要想得更努力一点、分析得更深入一点，或者更了解自己一点，就能终于找到我们一直在寻找的那种感觉。

We constantly check-in with ourselves, hoping that if we just think a little harder, analyze a little deeper, or understand ourselves a little better, we'll finally unlock the feeling we've been searching for.

问题在于，我们的大脑并不总能分辨出健康的反思什么时候慢慢变成了不健康的反刍。

The problem is that our brains aren't always good at recognizing when healthy reflection has slowly turned into unhealthy rumination.

反思能帮你向前走，而反刍却让你觉得自己被困住了。

Reflection helps you move forward while rumination convinces you that you're stuck.

很快，你的大脑就像一间四面都是镜子的房间。

Before long, your mind becomes like a room with mirrors on every wall.

你走到哪儿，都会撞见自己。

Everywhere you turn, you keep running into yourself.

而难就难在这里。

And here's the hard part.

你越是困在自己的思绪里，你的世界就变得越小。

The more time you spend trapped inside your own thoughts, the smaller your world begins to feel.

于是，你的问题显得更大了。

So your problems become bigger.

你的不安也变得更强烈了。

Your insecurities become louder.

你的失望感变得更沉重了。

Your disappointments become heavier.

这不一定是因为你的生活变得更糟了。

It's not necessarily because your life has gotten worse.

而是因为你的注意力变得更狭窄了。

It's because your attention has become narrower.

所以今天我想和你聊聊，如何重新调整你的注意力，让你对自己感觉更好。

So today I want to talk to you about how to refocus your attention so that you can feel better about yourself.

如果你能学会温和地把注意力转向外部，奇妙的事情就会开始发生。

If you can learn to gently redirect your attention outward, something incredible starts to happen.

你的世界会扩大，你会变得更活在当下、更与人连接，而且几乎作为副产品，你内心也会开始感到更快乐。

Your world expands, you become more present, more connected, and almost as a side effect, you begin to feel happier internally along the way.

我会带你经历四个转变，帮你走出消极的内向螺旋，最终让你在生活的各个方面都感觉更好。

I'm going to walk you through four shifts that can get you out of the negative inward spiral and ultimately make you feel better in every aspect of your life.

首先，我们要谈谈，仅仅改变你注意力的方向，就能彻底改变你对生活的体验。

First, we're going to hit on how simply changing where you point your attention can entirely change your experience of life.

接下来我们要探讨的是，为什么我们在挣扎的时候会觉得孤立是那么自然，尽管这往往正是我们需要有意识去远离的东西。

Then we're going to explore why isolation feels so natural when we're struggling even though it's often the very thing we need to consciously move away from.

之后，我会分享为什么对别人有用是打断焦虑最快的方法之一。

After that, I'll share why becoming useful to someone else is one of the fastest ways to interrupt anxiety.

最后，我们会聊聊社交扩展，以及为什么生活中最深的满足感往往来自于你的一天不再只关乎你自己。

And finally, we'll talk about social expansion and why some of life's deepest fulfillment often comes when your day becomes about something bigger than you.

你看，我觉得个人成长非常重要。

Look, I think personal growth is incredibly important.

我觉得内在的工作很重要。

I think inner work is important.

反思也很重要。

Reflection is important.

但我也相信，成长到了一定阶段，就不再是你能吸收什么，而是你能给予什么。

But I also believe there comes a point where growth stops being about what you're taking in and starts becoming about what you're giving away.

如果你一直做得都对，却还是觉得哪里不对劲，我希望这期节目结束时，你会有一个全新的思路去继续前进。

If you've been doing everything right, and you're still wondering why something feels off, I hope by the end of this episode, you'll have a completely different approach for how to move forward.

本期《On Purpose》节目由ULTRA RUNNING赞助播出。

This episode of On Purpose is presented by ULTRA RUNNING.

我们都受益于多一点空间，我们的脚也一样。

We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet.

这就是为什么ultra running跑鞋采用超贴合设计，给脚趾更多空间，带来舒适、平衡和力量。

That's why ultra running shoes feature ultra fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance, and strength.

无论是跑步、走路还是徒步，任何速度、任何水平都适合。

They're perfect for running, walking, or hiking, any pace, any level.

穿上第一步就感觉舒适。

They feel right from the first step.

访问ultrarunning.com/onpurpose，使用优惠码PURPOSE10享受九折优惠。

Go to ultrarunning.com/onpurpose and use code PURPOSE10 for 10% off.

网址是altrarunning.com/onpurpose。

That's altrarunning.com/onpurpose.

继续前行吧。

Stay out there.

我想从一件我们大多数人很少会主动去想的事情开始，因为它对我们人类来说太与生俱来了。

I wanna start with something that most of us rarely think consciously about because it's just so inherent to who we are as humans.

这是你的一项特质，你现在听这个播客的时候就在用。

It's a trait of yours that you're using right now just by listening to this podcast.

我想让你把注意力放在你的注意力上。

I want to draw your attention to your attention.

你的注意力是你拥有的最宝贵的资源之一，因为它决定了你真正体验到的生活。

Your attention is one of the most valuable resources you have because your attention determines the life you actually experience.

我们常常以为我们对生活的体验完全取决于发生在我们身上的事情，但其实很大程度上是由我们脑子里反复想的东西塑造的。

We often assume our experience of life is based purely on what happens to us, but so much of it is shaped by what our minds keep returning to.

两个人可以经历完全相同的一天，但最后却带着完全不同的情绪感受离开，仅仅是因为他们各自把注意力放在了完全不同的东西上。

Two people can live through the exact same day and walk away with completely different emotional realities simply because they each had their attention centered on totally different things.

想象两个人走过同一个公园。

Picture two people walking through the exact same park.

一个人注意到花朵、孩子们的笑声、阳光透过树叶洒下来，还有长椅上坐着一对情侣在分享一杯咖啡。

One person notices the flowers, the kids laughing, the sunlight coming through the trees, and the couple sitting on a bench sharing a coffee.

另一个人注意到的是地上的垃圾、走过时瞪他们的人、叫个不停的狗，还有坏掉的洒水器。

The other notices the trash on the ground, the person glaring at them as they walk past, the dog barking, the broken sprinkler.

他们走过同一个公园，度过同样的一个小时，但因为注意力放在哪里不同，他们体验到的完全是两个不同的世界。

They walk through the same park and live through the same hour, but they experience two completely different worlds because of where they allowed their attention to be pointed.

我们自己的生活也是这样。

The same thing happens in our own lives.

两个人可能有相似的职业、关系、机会和挑战，但体验到的满足感却完全不同，因为一个人的注意力被困在那些缺失的东西上，而另一个人的注意力始终放在那些有意义的事情上。

Two people can have similar careers, relationships, opportunities, and challenges, yet experience completely different levels of fulfillment because one person's attention has become trapped in everything that's missing, while the other person's attention remains connected to everything that's meaningful.

这里我想小心一点，因为我不是说幸福只是一个选择。

I wanna be careful here because I'm not saying happiness is just a choice.

生活比那复杂得多。

Life is more complicated than that.

悲伤是真实的。

Grief is real.

焦虑也是真实的。

Anxiety is real.

但即使在最艰难的时刻，有一点始终不变。

But even in our hardest seasons, one thing remains true.

你的注意力放在哪里，你的体验就会跟随到哪里。

Where your attention goes, your experience follows.

我喜欢把注意力比作手电筒。

I like to think of attention like a flashlight.

想象一下，你手里只有一把手电筒，走进一间完全黑暗的房间。

Imagine walking into a completely dark room with nothing but a flashlight in your hand.

你把手电筒照向哪里，哪里立刻就成了整个房间，即使你知道周围还有几十样别的东西。

Whatever you point that flashlight toward immediately becomes the entire room, even though you know there are dozens of other things surrounding you.

如果你照向一个角落，你看到的就只有那个角落。

If you point it toward one corner, that's all you see.

如果你照向地板，房间的其他部分就消失了。

If you point it toward the floor, the rest of the room disappears.

手电筒并没有改变现实。

The flashlight doesn't change reality.

它改变的是你对现实的体验。

It changes your experience of reality.

你的注意力也是同样的道理。

Your attention works the same way.

当你的注意力总是放在自己的不安全感上，它们就会变得无比巨大。

When your attention is constantly pointed toward your insecurities, they begin to feel enormous.

当你的注意力总是放在过去的错误上，你就会开始觉得自己是个失败者。

When your attention is constantly pointed toward past mistakes, you begin to feel like a failure.

当你的注意力总是放在生活中缺少的东西上，感恩就几乎不可能了，因为你的大脑不是在寻找已经拥有的东西。

When your attention is constantly pointed toward what's missing in your life, gratitude becomes almost impossible because your brain isn't looking for what's present.

它是在寻找缺失的东西。

It's scanning for what's absent.

如果我们不小心，个人成长也可能发生同样的情况。

The same thing can happen with personal growth if we're not careful.

再次强调，我想在这里说清楚。

Again, I wanna be very clear here.

心理治疗很有价值。

Therapy is valuable.

写日记也很有价值。

Journaling is valuable.

我自己也这么做。

I do it as well.

自我反思很有价值。

Self reflection is valuable.

我深信所有这些做法。

I believe deeply in all of those practices.

但利用自我觉察作为通往更丰富生活的大门，和把它变成一个你永远不离开的房间，这两者之间是有区别的。

But there's a difference between using self awareness as a doorway into a richer life and turning it into a room you never leave.

我觉得我们很多人可能会不小心陷入困境，仅仅是因为过于纠结于自己还有哪些需要改进的地方。

I think a lot of us can accidentally get stuck by simply being too in the weeds of what we have left to work on.

我们整天都在评估自己。

We spend the day evaluating ourselves.

晚上结束时，我们还在想自己是否成长得够多、成就够多、变得够好。

We end the night wondering whether we've grown enough, accomplished enough, become better enough.

我们变成了自己生活的管理者，而不是真正去生活的人。

We become the manager of our own lives instead of actually living them.

我们越是管理、监控和评价自己，就越难真正去体验我们拼命想要改善的生活。

And the more we manage, monitor and evaluate ourselves, the less attentive we become to experience the life we're trying so hard to improve.

你人生中最快乐的时刻，往往是你完全不再想自己的时候。

Some of the happiest moments you'll ever experience are the moments when you stop thinking about yourself altogether.

想想你上次笑到肚子疼是什么时候。

Think about the last time you laughed so hard that your stomach hurt.

你当时大概不会担心自己笑的样子是不是很傻。

You probably weren't wondering whether you looked stupid while you were laughing.

想想你上次完全沉浸在与所爱之人的精彩对话中是什么时候。

Think about the last time you became completely absorbed in a great conversation with someone you love.

你当时大概不会坐在那里担心自己是不是够有趣。

You probably weren't sitting there worrying if you were being interesting enough.

想想和孩子玩耍、沉浸在爱好里、投入一场精彩的游戏、听现场音乐、去美丽的地方远足，或者和家人一起做饭。

Think about playing with a child, getting lost in a hobby, being immersed in a great game, listening to live music, hiking somewhere beautiful, or cooking with your family.

在这些体验中，你的注意力会自然而然地暂时离开自己。

In all of these experiences, your attention naturally leaves you for a while.

你不再纠结于自己，离开时感觉更好。

You get out of your own head and you leave feeling better.

当然，这些时刻可能不会让你更成功、更健康、更聪明、更进步。

Sure, these moments may not leave you more successful, more in shape, more intellectual, more improved.

但要想获得真正的满足感，你需要在追求优化和单纯地活着之间找到平衡。

But in order to have true fulfillment in life, you're going to need to find a balance between trying to optimize and trying to just exist.

满足感不是通过越来越擅长思考和理解自己来获得的。

Fulfillment isn't found by becoming better and better at thinking about and understanding yourself.

自我提升固然好，但归根结底，真正的满足感来自于更好地与一个比你更广阔的世界互动。

Self work is great, but at the end of the day, true fulfillment is found by becoming better at engaging with a world that's bigger than you.

这就引出了我想说的第二点。

And that brings us to the second thing I wanna hit on.

因为现实是，如果我们的注意力长时间困在自己身上，几乎总会开始发生别的事情。

Because the reality is if our attention stays trapped inside ourselves for long enough, something else almost always begins to happen.

我们开始疏远别人。

We start to pull away from other people.

当你的注意力自然转向内心时，很容易就陷在里面出不来。

When your attention naturally turns inward, it's easy to get stuck there.

但如果过度思考让我们感觉更糟，为什么我们还要继续这么做呢？

But if overthinking makes us feel worse, why do we keep doing it?

如果孤立让我们更孤独，为什么这恰恰是我们渴望的东西？

If isolation makes us feel lonelier, why is it the very thing we crave?

为什么我们的大脑似乎总是引导我们走向那些让我们感觉更被困住的习惯？

Why does our brain seem to keep steering us toward habits that leave us feeling even more stuck?

答案是你的大脑在试图保护你。

The answer is that your brain is trying to protect you.

你的大脑并不总能区分什么在当下感觉安全，什么真正能帮助你愈合。

Your brain doesn't always know the difference between what feels safe in the moment and what actually helps you heal.

你有没有注意到，你越感到孤独，就越不想和人待在一起？

Have you ever noticed that the lonelier you feel, the less you actually want to be around people?

你越焦虑，就越不想回朋友的消息。

The more anxious you become, the less likely you are to answer your friend's text.

你越觉得压力大，就越想取消晚餐、待在家里、点外卖。

The more overwhelmed you feel, the more appealing it becomes to cancel dinner, stay home, and order takeout.

但在那一刻，这一切都显得特别合理，因为你的大脑坚信，退缩就是你最需要做的事。

Yet it all feels completely reasonable in the moment because your brain is convinced that retreating is exactly what you need most.

你并不觉得自己是在选择孤独。

It doesn't feel like you're choosing isolation.

你觉得自己是在选择平静。

It feels like you're choosing peace.

然后，这样的夜晚过了一个又一个，某天你环顾四周，突然想知道为什么自己的世界变得比以前小那么多，或者为什么自己比以前更容易胡思乱想。

Then enough evenings like that go by, and one day you look around and wonder why your world suddenly feels so much smaller than it used to, or why you're so much more in your head than you used to be.

心理学家发现，孤独和情绪困扰往往会以这种方式改变我们的行为。

Psychologists have found that loneliness and emotional distress often change our behavior in exactly this way.

我们往往在最需要别人的时候，反而更想躲开他们。

We become more likely to withdraw from other people at precisely the moment we need them the most.

这是我们的思维对我们开的最残酷的玩笑之一。

It's one of the cruelest tricks our minds plays on us.

我们的神经系统最需要的东西——连接，却开始让我们觉得最没有精力去应付。

The very thing our nervous system needs, connection, starts feeling like the thing we have the least energy for.

与此同时，情感上的痛苦往往会不断回响，每一个独自度过、反复琢磨同样烦恼的小时，都会给大脑一次机会去重复这些烦恼，直到最后，它们开始从想法变成了事实。

Meanwhile, emotional pain has a tendency to echo, and every hour spent alone replaying the same worries gives your brain another opportunity to echo them, until eventually they start feeling like thoughts and start feeling like facts.

这就是为什么即使在你挣扎的时候，强迫自己把精力投入到人际关系中，会如此有效。

This is why forcing yourself to put energy into your relationships, even when you're struggling is so powerful.

不想去的时候还是去赴约，没有精力的时候还是拿起电话，只想赖在床上却还是去跟人一起上健身课。

Going to the dinner when you don't want to, picking up the phone when you don't have the energy for it, hitting a workout class with someone when all you want to do is stay in bed.

我并不是说，你花时间相处的人能解决所有问题。

I'm not saying the people you spend time with will fix everything.

事实上，大多数时候，他们并没有完美的建议，也不知道该说什么最合适。

In fact, most of the time they don't have the perfect advice or know the perfect thing to say.

他们无法消除你的焦虑，无法治愈你的心碎，也无法解决让你夜不能寐的问题。

They can't remove your anxiety, undo your heartbreak, or solve the problem that keeps you awake at night.

但他们能做到的是，打断你脑海中不断重复的那些对话。

But what they can do is interrupt the conversation that's been happening in your own head.

你有没有过差点取消和朋友共进晚餐，但还是强迫自己去了？

Have you ever almost canceled dinner with a friend, Forced yourself to go anyway?

然后你注意到开车回家时自己的感觉有多不一样了吗？

And noticed how different you felt on the drive home?

你的处境并没有改变。

Your circumstances hadn't changed.

工作中那些棘手的对话还在等着你。

The difficult conversation at work was still waiting for you.

分手并没有奇迹般地自行修复。

The breakup hadn't magically fixed itself.

对未来的不确定感依然存在。

The uncertainty about your future was still there.

但在某个时刻，你们一起为某件荒唐的事大笑，听别人讲他们的一周，真正对另一个人的生活产生兴趣，这时你才发现，自己已经一个小时没有反复琢磨自己的烦恼了。

But somewhere between laughing about something ridiculous, hearing about someone else's week, and becoming genuinely interested in another person's life, you'd realized you'd gone an hour without replaying your own worries.

你的问题并没有消失，只是你不再一直盯着它们看了。

Your problems didn't disappear, you just stopped staring at them.

这是人际关系能带来的最强大的力量之一。

That's one of the most powerful things relationships can do.

它们不一定能改变我们生活中的事实，但能改变这些事实在我们心中占据的空间。

They don't always change the facts of our lives, but they change the amount of space those facts take up in our minds.

它们提醒我们，除了我们自己的事，还有其他人、其他故事、其他烦恼、其他快乐和其他需求。

They remind us that there are other people, other stories, other concerns, other joys, and other needs existing alongside our own.

心理学家把这种过程的一部分称为“共同调节”。

Psychologists call part of this process co regulation.

我们的神经系统在不断地相互影响，这就是为什么一个冷静、踏实的人，不用刻意做什么，就能让整个房间的氛围变得不一样。

Our nervous systems are constantly influencing one another, which is why one calm, grounded person can make an entire room feel different without ever trying to.

我觉得这是我们在现代生活中遗忘的一点。

I think that's something we've forgotten in modern life.

在人类历史的大部分时间里，人们并不是独自走过人生的。

For most of human history, people didn't go through so much of life alone.

他们一起做饭，一起工作，一起抚养孩子，一起庆祝，一起悲伤。

They cooked together, worked together, raised children together, celebrated together, grieved together.

生活本身就是集体性的。

Life itself was communal.

而今天，完全有可能整个周末都不跟另一个人进行有意义的对话。

Today, it's entirely possible to spend an entire weekend without having a meaningful conversation with another human being.

虽然这种独立程度非常方便，但也意味着我们常常独自面对那些大脑本不该独自承担的故事。

And while that level of independence is incredibly convenient, it also means we're often left alone with stories our brains were never designed to carry by themselves.

所以，下次你遇到难熬的一周时，我希望你能试试这个做法。

So here's something I'd love for you to try the next time you're having a hard week.

不要问自己：我今天该怎么解决我的感受？

Instead of asking yourself, how can I fix the way I'm feeling today?

而是问自己一个不同的问题。

Ask yourself a different question.

今天我有这种感觉的时候，可以和谁在一起呢？

Who can I be with while I'm feeling this way today?

肯定会有几天待在家里是正确选择，但也有几天你的大脑会把退缩误认为是疗愈。

There will absolutely be days when staying home is the right choice, but there will also be days when your brain mistakes withdrawal for healing.

那些日子，我希望你温和地推自己一把。

And those are the days I want you to gently push back.

那些日子，就该发那条信息，和朋友一起散步，去吃晚饭，或者去赴那些你差点取消的约，不是因为你知道之后会感觉好一些，而是因为你已经明白，你的直觉并不总是有最终决定权。

Those are the days to send the text, take the walk with a friend, go to dinner, or shop to the plans you almost canceled, not because you know you'll feel better afterward, but because you've learned that your instincts don't always get the final vote.

美好的是，一旦你开始重新走进别人的生活，有些东西就开始改变了。

The beautiful thing is that once you begin stepping back into other people's lives, something starts to shift.

你不再只注意到自己。

You stop being the only person you notice.

你开始关注别人的烦恼、别人的挑战，还有别人的快乐。

You begin paying attention to someone else's worries, someone else's challenges, and someone else's joy.

而我认为，真正的幸福转变就是从那里开始的。

And that's where I think real happiness transformation begins.

因为一旦你的注意力不再完全围绕自己的生活，你就会开始问一个全新的问题。

Because once your attention stops revolving entirely around your own life, you begin asking a completely new question.

不再是“我今天感觉怎么样？”

It's no longer how do I feel today?

而是“今天谁需要我？”

But instead, who needs something from me today?

这就引出了我想讲的第三个转变。

This takes me to the third shift I want to hit on.

如果你觉得生活没有意义，那就去为别人做点有意义的事。

If you need to feel like your life has meaning, go do something meaningful for someone else.

你能注意到那个整个星期都异常安静的同事吗？

Can you notice your coworker that has been unusually quiet all week?

你能记得在你姐姐重要的工作会议前关心一下她吗？

Can you remember to check-in on your sister before her big work meeting?

你能想到那个提到即将去看医生的朋友，或者那个好久没在外面见到的邻居，或者那个独自庆祝生日的家人吗？

Can you think about the friend who mentioned a difficult doctor's appointment coming up, or the neighbor you haven't seen outside in a while, or your family member celebrating a birthday alone?

这就是满足感的来源。

That's where fulfillment begins.

你并没有解决自己所有的问题，但你的生活不再完全围绕着这些问题转了。

You haven't solved all of your own problems, but your life is no longer revolving exclusively around them.

当你把注意力分给别人的时候，你会意识到周围的世界需要你回来。

When you make room in your attention for someone beside yourself, you realize the ways in which the world around you needs you to return.

当你让自己对身边的人变得重要时，你内心也会开始接受自己确实很重要。

And when you make yourself matter to those around you in your life, you begin to accept internally that you do matter as well.

大多数人不开心，并不是因为他们觉得自己不重要。

Most people aren't unhappy because they don't feel important.

他们不开心，是因为不确定自己对谁来说重要。

They're unhappy because they're not sure who they matter to.

这两者之间有很大的区别。

And there's a significant difference between those two things.

觉得自己重要，靠的是别人的认可。

Feeling important depends on recognition.

它取决于被注意到、被欣赏、被提拔、被表扬、被认可。

It depends on being noticed, admired, promoted, praised, validated.

而感受到自己的价值，则来自更微妙的东西。

Feeling useful comes from something much more subtle.

它来自于知道，因为今天你存在过，别人的一天变得轻松了一点。

It comes from knowing that because you existed today, someone else's day became a little easier.

一个依赖于别人对你的关注，另一个则依赖于你对别人的关注。

One depends on other people paying attention to you, the other depends on you paying attention to someone else.

回想我一生中最敬佩的人，我几乎从来不是因为他们是多么出色的人而记住他们。

When I think about the people I've admired most throughout my life, I almost never remember them because they were the most impressive people I knew.

我记住他们，是因为他们让身边的每个人都感到被看见。

I remember them because they made everyone around them feel seen.

他们会记得庆祝朋友的胜利。

They remembered to celebrate their friends wins.

他们会在别人没想到的时候主动关心。

They checked in when nobody else thought to.

他们总是在所有人都回家后留下来帮忙打扫。

They stayed after everyone had gone home to help clean up.

他们能注意到有人独自坐在一旁。

They noticed when someone was sitting alone.

他们有一种神奇的能力，能让每个地方都比他们来时更好一点。

They had this incredible ability to leave every place a little better than they found it.

我从来没有因为遇到这样的人而觉得，哇，这个人真了不起。

I've never walked away from someone like that thinking, what an important person.

我每次都会想，能遇到这样的人真是太好了。

I've always walked away thinking, what an incredible person to have in your life.

这个区别很重要，因为追求被重视会让你一直渴望被关注，而追求有用则会让你不断寻找需要做的事情。

That difference matters because chasing importance keeps asking to be seen, while chasing usefulness keeps looking for what needs to be done.

心理学家花了几十年研究我们做出慷慨和贡献行为时会发生什么，结果非常一致。

Psychologists have spent decades studying what happens when we engage in acts of generosity and contribution, and the findings are remarkably consistent.

帮助别人不仅能让对方过得更好，往往也能让我们自己变得更好。

Helping another person doesn't just improve their well-being, it often improves ours too.

我们会感受到更大的意义感、更强的社交联系，以及更少的反复思虑，因为我们的思绪不再被困在自我评价的循环里。

We experience greater meaning, stronger social connection, and lower levels of rumination because our minds are no longer trapped in a constant loop of self evaluation.

想象一下，你几个月来一直觉得自己对别人没什么价值。

Imagine you've spent months believing that you don't have much to offer anyone.

然后一个朋友打电话来，因为他们需要建议。

Then a friend calls because they need advice.

一个小时后，他们告诉你，那次谈话改变了他们整个星期。

And an hour later, they tell you that conversation changed their entire week.

想象一下，你的年长邻居感谢你帮他们收垃圾桶，因为他们出城了。

Imagine your elderly neighbor thanks you for bringing in their trash bins while they were out of town.

想象一下，你的表弟告诉你，你说过的话给了他们信心，让他们去申请那份他们原本觉得自己得不到的工作。

Imagine your younger cousin tells you that something you said gave them the confidence to apply for the job they didn't think they could get.

这些时刻不会一夜之间消除你的不安全感，但它们会让你的大脑重新思考关于你能提供多少价值的故事。

None of those moments erase your insecurities overnight, but they make your brain reconsider the story about how much you have to offer.

每一天，你的大脑都在构建关于你是谁的故事。

Every day your brain is building a case for who you are.

反刍思维通常会拿出支持恐惧的证据。

Rumination usually presents evidence that supports fear.

它会提醒你犯过的错、说过的尴尬话、没回复的消息，还有那些没做到完美的事情。

It reminds you of the mistake, the awkward comment, the unanswered text, the thing you didn't do perfectly.

而贡献则带来新的证据。

Contribution introduces new evidence.

它告诉你，是的，也许你今天过得很艰难，但你仍然帮助了别人。

It says, yes, maybe you struggled today, but you helped someone anyway.

你倾听了。

You listened.

你出现了。

You showed up.

你让别人的生活因为有你而变得更轻松。

You made someone else's life lighter than it would have been without you.

本期节目由瓦尔登大学赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by Walden University.

平衡工作、生活和远大目标并不容易。

Balancing work, life, and big goals isn't easy.

这就是为什么瓦尔登大学通过Tempo Learning帮助在职专业人士获得学位，让你可以按照自己的节奏完成学业，同时通过真实场景获得实用技能。

That's why Walden University helps working professionals get the W with Tempo Learning, so you can earn your degree at your own pace while gaining practical skills through real life scenarios.

你还会从有实际经验的教师那里学习，并从头到尾获得支持。

You'll also learn from faculty with real world experience and have support start to finish.

瓦尔登大学，为改变设定方向。

Walden University, set a course for change.

准备好开始了吗？

Ready to start?

今天就访问waldenu.edu。

Visit waldenu.edu today.

经认证可运营，Tempo Learning适用于部分项目。

Certified to operate by chef, tempo learning available in select programs.

你不需要去改变数百人的生活，创办慈善机构，或者把醒着的每一刻都用来服务他人。

You don't need to be out there changing hundreds of lives, starting a charity, or dedicating every waking hour to serving other people.

对别人有用，其实只是平凡中透着美好。

Being useful to others is actually just wonderfully ordinary.

就是打个电话问候一下。

It's making the call to check-in.

就是介绍两个彼此会喜欢的朋友认识。

It's introducing two friends who would love each other.

就是下班后留下来帮帮忙不过来的同事。

It's staying after work to help a coworker who's overwhelmed.

就是给刚生完孩子的朋友做顿饭。

It's making dinner for a friend who just had a baby.

就是在父母需要关心你之前，先主动关心他们。

It's checking in on your parents before they have to check-in on you.

改变我们生活的，往往是那些小小的瞬间，而不是轰轰烈烈的时刻。

Our lives are changed far more often by small moments than the dramatic ones.

我们常常等着某个伟大的目标出现才开始付出，但事实是，目标往往是通过一次次小小的、重复的善举积累起来的。

We often wait for some enormous purpose to arrive before we start contributing when the truth is that the purpose is usually built through small, repeated acts of usefulness.

别担心要变得非凡、令人印象深刻或者改变人生。

Don't worry about being extraordinary, impressive, or life changing.

只要找一个机会，让一个人的一天因为你的存在而轻松一点。

Just look for one opportunity to leave one person's day a little lighter than you found it.

现在我想把视角拉远一点，因为还有最后一块心理学拼图，把我们所有人都联系在一起。

Now I want to zoom out because there's one final piece of psychology that ties us all together.

大多数人都听说过马斯洛的需求层次理论。

Most people have heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

即使你从未学过心理学，你可能也在某个地方见过那个金字塔。

Even if you've never studied psychology, you've probably seen the pyramid somewhere before.

金字塔的底层是生理需求，食物、水、睡眠和住所。

At the base are physiological needs food, water, sleep, and shelter.

一旦这些得到满足，我们就会寻求安全和稳定。

Once those are met, we seek safety and stability.

再往上一层是爱与归属，友谊、家庭、亲密关系和社区。

Above that comes love and belonging, friendships, family, relationships, community.

然后是尊重需求，感觉自己被尊重、有能力，对自己有信心。

Then comes esteem, feeling respected, capable, and confident in who we are.

而最顶端，就是大多数人被教导的终极目标——自我实现。

And at the very top sits what most of us were taught is the ultimate goal, self actualization.

这个理念是说，一旦基本需求得到满足，我们就会用一生去成为那个最完整的自己，发挥出自己最大的潜能。

The idea is that once our basic needs are met, we spend our lives becoming the fullest expression of who we're capable of being.

你成为最好的自己。

You become your best self.

你发挥出全部潜力。

You reach your full potential.

你终于活出真实的自己。

You finally live your truth.

几十年来，故事就到此为止。

And for decades, that's where the story ended.

这是学校里教的版本，商业书籍里分享的版本，也深深融入了现代自我提升文化中。

It's the version that's taught in schools, shared in business books, and woven into so much of modern self improvement culture.

我们没完没了地谈论如何优化自己、治愈自己、理解自己，以及成为最好的自己。

We talk endlessly about optimizing ourselves, healing ourselves, understanding ourselves, and becoming the best possible version of ourselves.

但在晚年，马斯洛开始怀疑自己是不是把金字塔少建了一层。

But later in his life, Maslow began to wonder if he'd stopped the pyramid one step too soon.

在他职业生涯的末期，马斯洛提出，在自我实现之上其实还有另一个阶段：自我超越。

Near the end of his career, Maslow proposed that there was actually another stage above self actualization: self transcendence.

他逐渐相信，人类发展的最高境界不仅仅是成为最好的自己。

He came to believe that the highest expression of human development wasn't simply becoming the best you can be.

而是用最好的自己去服务超越自身的事物。

It was using your best self in service of something beyond you.

重点不是花一辈子让自己变得更智慧、更善良、更坚强或更有韧性，然后仅仅为了欣赏那个自己。

The point isn't to spend your entire life becoming wiser, kinder, stronger, or more resilient simply so you can admire the person you become.

重点是把这些品质向外延伸，用于你的家庭、社区、工作、友谊，或者一项比你活得更久的事业。

The point is to take those qualities and direct them outward toward your family, your community, your work, your friendships, or a cause that will outlive you.

我觉得这是我们可以做出的最深刻的转变之一，因为它彻底改变了我们问自己的问题。

I think that's one of the most profound shifts we can make because it completely changes the question we're asking ourselves.

我们生活中很多时间都在衡量自己的进步。

So much of our lives are spent measuring our own progress.

我比去年更快乐吗？

Am I happier than I was last year?

我是否已经从过去的伤痛中痊愈？

Have I healed from my past wounds?

我有没有充分发挥自己的潜力？

Am I living up to my potential?

这些问题很重要，但到了某个阶段，下一个问题就是：我成为的这个人，对谁有好处？

Those questions matter, but at some point the next phase is to ask, who benefits from the person I've become?

目标不再仅仅是自我提升。

The goal is no longer simply self improvement.

目标是影响力。

The goal is impact.

是贡献。

It's contribution.

就是把你自己经历过的所有挣扎中学到的东西，用来让别人的人生因为你的经历而变得更好。

It's taking everything you've learned through your own struggles and allowing someone else's life to become better because of what you've been through.

当你回顾那些对你人生影响最大的人时，很可能你敬佩他们并不是因为他们有完美的晨间习惯，或者他们精通了个人成长的每一个领域。

When you look back on the people who've had the greatest impact on your life, chances are you don't admire them because they had perfectly optimized morning routines or because they'd mastered every area of personal growth.

你记得他们，是因为他们给了你一些有价值的东西。

You remember them because they gave you something valuable.

他们给了你他们的时间、他们的智慧、他们的鼓励。

They gave you their time, their wisdom, their encouragement.

这就是一个美丽的悖论。

That's the beautiful paradox.

马斯洛最终发现，最完整的自我往往出现在我们停止追求自我实现的那一刻。

Maslow eventually discovered the fullest version of ourselves often appears at the exact moment we stop trying to fulfill ourselves.

仔细想想，我们花了很多年努力培养的几乎每一种品质，最终都是通过另一个人来实现其最高价值的。

When you really think about it, almost every quality we spend years trying to develop reaches its highest purpose through another person.

七天挑战由altrarunning为您呈现。

The seven day challenge is brought to you by altrarunning.

创造空间可以改变一切。

Creating space can change everything.

空间让你更清晰地思考，有意识地行动，专注于真正重要的事情。

Space to think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what truly matters.

超跑鞋专为超跑者设计，给你的双脚足够的空间，让它们自然、舒适、持久地运动。

Ultra running shoes are designed with the ultra fit, giving your feet the room they need to move naturally, comfortably, and with strength over time.

现在，这就是本周的七天挑战。

Now here's this week's seven day challenge.

在结束之前，我想给你留下本周的七天挑战。

Before we finish, I wanna leave you with this week's seven day challenge.

在接下来的七天里，我希望你每天做一件小事，让别人感到轻松一点。

For the next seven days, I want you to do one small thing every day that makes someone else's life feel a little lighter.

可以是问候一个最近沉默的朋友，给很久没联系的家人打个电话，帮助一个感到压力的同事，放下手机专心倾听别人，发一条鼓励的消息，或者帮别人牵线搭桥，或者简单地问一句：你今天需要什么？

Maybe that's checking in on a friend who's been quiet, calling a family member you haven't spoken to in a while, helping a coworker who feels a little overwhelmed, giving someone your full attention without looking at your phone, sending a message of encouragement, making an introduction that could help someone, or simply asking, what do you need today?

然后认真倾听回答。

And really listening to the answer.

你不需要解决别人的生活问题，也不需要做出什么惊天动地的大事。

You don't need to solve someone's life or make some enormous gesture.

只要每天找一个平常的机会，去帮帮忙、陪陪人，或者对人好一点。

Just look for one ordinary opportunity each day to be useful, present, or kind.

一周结束的时候，问自己一个问题。

At the end of the week, ask yourself one question.

这一周，我是在等着自己感觉好起来，还是帮助别人感觉好起来了？

Did I spend this week waiting to feel better or did I help someone else feel better?

因为有时候，想让自己从烦恼中走出来，最快的方法就是走进别人的生活。

Because sometimes the fastest way to get out of your own head is to step into someone else's life.

你越是把注意力从自己身上移开，就越能为自己创造空间，让连接、意义和满足感找到你。

And the more you expand your attention beyond yourself, the more room you create for connection, meaning and fulfillment to find you.

我们下周见。

I'll see you back here next week.

本周的七天挑战由ULTRAunning赞助播出。

The seven day challenge was brought to you by ULTRAunning.

Ultra的贴合设计给您的双脚留出自然活动的空间，带来舒适、平衡和真正的力量，让您少些原地不动，多些时间到户外去。

Ultra fit design gives your feet the room they need to move naturally for comfort, balance, and real strength, so you can spend less time standing still and more time getting outside.

无论您是在跑步、散步、远足，还是单纯地探索，Ultra都设计成与您一同移动。

Whether you're running, walking, hiking, or simply exploring, Ultra is designed to move with you.

访问 ultrarunning.com/onpurpose，并使用代码PURPOSE10即可享受10%的折扣。

Visit ultrarunning.com/onpurpose and use the code PURPOSE10 for 10% off.

继续待在外面吧。

Stay out there.

您的耐心不仅仅是为了自己。

Your patience isn't just for you.

它是为了那个打翻牛奶的孩子，那个度过了糟糕一天的另一半，或者那个犯了无心之失的陌生人。

It's for the child who spills the milk, the partner who's had a terrible day, or the stranger who makes an honest mistake.

您的自信不仅仅是为了让自己感觉更好。

Your confidence isn't just so you feel better about yourself.

它是为了让您有勇气发声、好好领导、鼓励他人，并做出改善他人生活的决定。

It's so you have the courage to speak up, lead well, encourage someone else, and make decisions that improve other people's lives.

疗愈也是一样的道理。

The same is true of healing.

我们常常觉得疗愈是很私人的事情。

We often think of healing as something deeply personal.

但疗愈最大的礼物之一，就是它会改变别人认识你时的感受。

But one of the greatest gifts of healing is that it changes the experience other people have of knowing you.

当你疗愈了旧伤，你就不太可能把这些伤传给自己的孩子、伴侣或朋友。

When you heal old wounds, you're less likely to pass those wounds onto your children, your partner, or your friendships.

相反，你的疗愈可以成为那些仍在挣扎的人的一盏希望之灯。

Instead, your healing can become a beacon of hope to someone still struggling.

当你的生活以这种方式扩展时，奇妙的事情就会发生。

When your life expands in that way, something remarkable happens.

你的注意力自然有了更大的空间，因此，你自己的烦恼就开始占据更少的位置。

Your attention naturally has a larger place to live, and because of that, your own worries begin occupying less space.

目标从来不是消除挣扎。

The goal was never to eliminate struggle.