亚历克斯·沃伦：历史性崛起背后的隐秘战役——战胜自我怀疑、治愈童年创伤与学会最终感到满足

在某种程度上，一切都针对我，你知道吗？

Everything is stacked against me in some way, you know?

所以对我来说，很难接受：哦，我不能再报警了。

And so that was really difficult for me to be like, oh, well, I can't call the police anymore.

这太奇怪了。

And it was so strange.

回过头来看，成长的过程真是非常奇怪，但这也是某种事情，你知道，我从不喝酒。

It was such a strange way to to grow up reflecting on it, but it's also something, you know, again, it's I never drank.

我从不喝酒。

I never drink.

我从不做那些事，因为我从未看到它们的好处。

I never do any of those things because I've never seen the good of it.

当人们说，哦，我们出去喝酒吧。

When people are like, oh, we're going out to drink.

我从来都不理解，我从未渴望过，也从未想要过，但我并不反对。

I've never I've never understood that, I've never craved it, I've never wanted it, and I'm not against it.

我只是再也无法理解了，你知道吗？因为我从小看到的都是它负面的一面。

I just don't get it anymore, you know, because I grew up with the negative of it, you know?

嗯。

Yeah.

你想要帮她戒除毒瘾，这是否让你自己受到了负面影响？

Did your desire to remove her addiction reflect badly on you?

比如，那些紧张和虐待的时刻，是不是因为你试图把毒品从她身边拿走才引发的？

Like is that where the moments of tension and abuse Yeah.

是的，就是因为你试图把毒品从她身边拿走才引发的。

Sparked was that you were the one trying to take it away from her?

是的，而且我觉得我兄弟姐妹们也没意识到这一点，这更糟。

Yeah, and I think it didn't help that my siblings didn't realize it either.

我觉得我兄弟姐妹们都会说，如果你不顶嘴，就不会被打，这背后就是这种想法。

I think my siblings would all be like, if you didn't talk back, you wouldn't get hit, was the sentiment behind it.

长大过程中，我觉得这种想法实在太奇怪了。

And I thought that was such a bizarre sentiment growing up.

但没错，我就是那种孩子，从小就没惹过麻烦。

But yeah, I I was just one those people wasn't a troubled kid.

我没有沾上什么坏事，但我一直想当歌手。

I didn't get into bad things, but I wanted to be a singer.

我妈妈特别讨厌这个。

And my mom hated it.

她特别讨厌这个。

She hated it.

我不知道具体是哪里让她反感，是拍视频、唱歌，还是拍我的日常生活。

Don't know what it was about whether it was vlogging or singing or just filming my life.

我从没想过要找一份普通的工作。

I never wanted to do a normal job.

在学校里，我不去上课，而是去厕所唱歌、拍视频，然后发出去。

In school, I would be instead of class, I would go to bathroom and sing and film it and post it.

当然，我的成绩开始下滑，因为那才是我真正想做的事。

And of course, I started my grades started slipping a little bit because that's all I wanted.

我知道我想做这件事。

I knew I wanted to do that.

她觉得我是个糟糕的孩子。

And she thought I was some terrible kid.

所以，没错，我们之间确实有冲突，而且从未停止过。

And so, yeah, it was it was definitely a clash between us, it never stopped.

即使到了后来，当我开始取得成就时，她还活着。

Even after all this, she was still alive when I started doing well.

是的，老天，我记得我完全和她疏远了，直到我对她说：听着，我不想让你出现在我的生活中，直到你去寻求帮助。

And yeah, man, I I remember I I had distanced myself fully until I was like, look, you know, I I'm not gonna I don't want you in my life until you get help.

我记得她去世的那周，她给我发了条消息，说：我出问题了，我要去参加戒酒互助会。

And I remember the week she died, she had texted me, I have a problem and I'm going to AA.

然后她就在之后的一周去世了，这

And then she died the week after, which

太疯狂了。

is crazy.

你相信她吗？

Did you believe her?

嗯。

Yeah.

这很难。

Which is hard.

但我不知道她到底是因为什么死的。

But I don't know I don't know what killed her.

我不确定是不是她终于意识到自己有问题，然后某天去看医生了，但我记得她家有多乱。

I don't know if it was just final and she realized she had a problem where she went to the doctors one day, but I remember I remember how up her house was.

我从来不敢踏进她家一步，但我的兄弟姐妹去过，情况很糟糕。

I never I couldn't step foot in that, but my siblings went and it was bad.

她其实早在去世前就已经‘死了’，这太疯狂了。

There was like, she was she was dead way before she was, which is crazy.

我觉得亲眼看着两个人在你面前死去，是最奇怪的事。

I I think watching two people die in front of you like that is like the weirdest thing.

这最奇怪了，根本无法解释。

It's the weirdest you can't explain it.

是呼吸。

It's the breath.

那个人不再是一个活人了。

That person doesn't become a human anymore.

如果你以前看过，就是那种不停止的呼吸。

If you've ever watched it before, it's the the breathing that doesn't leave.

就像，我很难向别人解释清楚。

Like, I it's so hard to explain to someone.

他们不是为自己在呼吸。

They're not breathing for themselves.

他们在喘着气，你希望这一切停止，这是最可怕的事情。

They're gasping for air, and you want it to stop, and it's the scariest thing.

嗯。

Mhmm.

九岁时再看一遍，简直疯狂，然后你用一生去遗忘它，直到21岁，它却像挥之不去的幽灵一样缠绕着你。

It's crazy watching that twice at nine, and then you spent your whole life forgetting it, and then you turn 21 and you just It's like a haunting thing that doesn't leave.

太疯狂了。

It's crazy.

那也是在家里发生的吗？

Was that at home as well?

她是在家里的吗？

She was at home?

不是。

No.

不是。

No.

那次是在医院。

That one was in a hospital.

但当你因饮酒和肝衰竭而死时，全身都会发黄。

But when you die from drinking and liver failure, you're yellow all over.

你知道吗，我觉得这叫黄疸什么的。

You know, because I think it's called jaundice or something.

你变得很阴森。

You're It's morbid.

我觉得看着我爸爸去世，他因为肾衰竭变得苍白。

I think watching my dad die, he turned white because his kidney failed.

看着一个人这样缓慢地死去，是永远无法忘记的事。

Watching someone die slowly like that is something that you can never forget.

这太疯狂了。

It's crazy.

太可怕了。

Terrifying.

她去世的时候，你也在她床边吗？

Were you by her bedside when it happened as well?

是的。

Yeah.

我还记得一件事，你知道，你走到外面。

I remember the one thing too is, you know, you walk outside.

她去世后，我们所有人都静默了一刻。

We all just had a moment once she had passed.

我们走出去，全都开始哭了起来。

We went outside, we all just started crying.

你知道，你环顾四周，有人正在吃午饭。

And, you know, you look around and someone's on their lunch break.

有人开着一辆豪华轿车来买Jersey Mike's。

Someone's pulling up in a fancy car to Jersey Mike's.

大家都在笑，人们从医院里走出来。

And everyone's laughing and people are walking by leaving the hospital.

很难想象，我的世界已经停止运转，而你却完全不知道发生了什么。

It's weird to think that my world stops spinning, but you're just you have no idea.

你根本不知道刚才里面发生了什么。

You have no idea what the heck just happened in there.

你根本不知道我们刚刚经历了什么。

You have no idea what we just went through.

这真是太有意思了。

And it is so interesting.

记得那件事深深印在我心里。

Remember that that stuck with me so bad.

我在想，为什么不是每个人，为什么世界没有停下来？

I'm like, why isn't everyone why hasn't the world stopped?

你知道吗？

You know?

因为我的世界已经停了。

Because mine just did.

这太疯狂了。

It's crazy.

是啊。

Yeah.

关于你父亲，显然你的记忆是那种几乎带着玩闹的氛围，他说他会给你买一辆法拉利。

With your father, obviously, your memory was this almost playfulness or joking around him saying, I'll get you a Ferrari.

是的。

Yeah.

那你和母亲之间的内心和外部对话是怎样的呢？

What was that internal and external dialogue with your mother?

他们告诉我们，她能听到我们说话。

They told us she could hear us.

我不知道这是否真实，还是只是为了让人们获得释怀而说的安慰话。

I don't know if that was true or if that's just something you tell people to hope that they have closure.

很多宽恕。

A lot of forgiveness.

你刚才说的就是这个。

That's what you were saying.

是的。

Yeah.

很多宽恕。

A lot of forgiveness.

也有很多道歉。

A lot of apologies too.

你说了什么？

What did you say?

我认为，对我来说，在任何事情上，尤其是在有冲突的地方，无论怎样都需要两个人共同承担责任。

I think for me, I I think in everything, especially in a place where there's clashing, it takes two people regardless.

你知道，她本可以成为一个更好的父母。

You know, she could have been a better parent.

她本可以意识到自己有问题之类的。

She could have realized she had a problem and whatnot.

我妈妈看着她的丈夫去世，然后独自抚养四个孩子。

My mom watched her husband die and then had to raise four kids by herself.

我怎么能去评判这样的人呢？

How the am I supposed to judge someone like that?

我该怎么说你做错了呢？

How am I supposed to say you did that wrong?

你知道的？

You know?

对我来说，那一部分就是，我对她评判得太严厉了。

And that's the one part for me is like, I judged her so hard.

我以为你应该是这样一个完美的人。

I thought you're supposed to be this perfect person.

你应该是这样一个父母，而我竟然如此自私地假设这一切，真是疯狂。

You're supposed to be this parent, and it's it's crazy how selfish I could have been to assume that.

我不知道你经历了什么。

I don't know what you went through.

我不知道那是什么感觉。

I don't know what it's like.

这是你第一次活着，你知道吗？

It's your first time living, you know?

根本就没有一本完美的书能教你怎么抚养四个孩子，看着你的丈夫死于癌症，然后一瞬间失去你生活中所有以为会拥有的东西，却还要强颜欢笑，不能崩溃。

How There's no perfect book on how to raise four kids, watch your your husband die to cancer, and be all of a sudden have everything that you thought in life ripped away from you in a second and just have to put a smile on it and not have a cope.

所以，是的，我认为我最大的问题就是，我一辈子都在评判这个人，从不设身处地去理解她为了保持正常究竟经历了什么。

So, yeah, I think that was my biggest thing is, you know, I I spent my whole life judging this person, not putting myself in their shoes and understanding what they had to go through to be okay.

她必须喝酒才能好受一点。

She had to have drinks to be okay.

她必须自我毁灭，才能接受生活。

She had to kill herself to be okay with life.

这太难了。

That's hard.

所以，对我来说，这是我必须去面对并寻求了结的一件事，但这种了结并不完全存在，我不知道怎么说。

So I think that was the one thing for me that I had to wrap around and have closure with and there wasn't It's closure in some sense, but I don't know.

我从未有机会和她进行那场对话。

I never got to have that conversation.

当你不再和某人说话时，那个词是什么？

What's that word when you aren't talking to someone?

当家人之间不沟通时，他们会给这种状态起个名字。

They call it something in a family when you aren't communicating with them.

奇怪？

Strange?

对。

Yeah.

有点吧。

Kind of.

我很久没有和我妈妈说话了。

I didn't talk to my mom for a long time.

对。

Yeah.

这很难。

It's hard.

你有没有对自己宽容一些？

Have you given yourself that grace?

我不这么认为。

I don't think so.

我不这么认为。

I don't think so.

我以前从未想过这个问题，现在在这样一个公开场合想到，真是有点讽刺。

I haven't thought about it until now, which is funny in such a public setting.

但说实话，当我经历我所经历的那些事情时，我——至少我不能代表所有人。

But, yeah, I I I don't when you go through the things that I go through, I or at least I can't speak for everyone.

我花了大量时间不是去忘记，而是把它们放在一边，让它们静静待着，等到该面对这些情绪的时候再处理。

I I have spent a lot of time not forgetting, but putting it on a burner, letting it sit there when I when it's time to approach those feelings.

当我做这些事情时，我完全相信诚实的重要性。

And then when I do these things, I fully believe in being honest.

而且，就像我在录音前告诉过你的，这些是我最喜欢的工作部分。

And and I I like to take event I told you before we started recording that these are my favorite parts of this job.

我认为这是真的，因为这是我能做回真我的时刻。

And I think it's true because this is the time where I get to be human.

我认为在我的职业生涯中，很多人看待我们所做的事情时，都觉得是一回事。

I think in my career, lot of people look at what we do and it's the same thing.

他们只看到作品、艺术或别的东西，却看不到背后的人。

Think they just They don't see the human behind the piece or the art or whatever.

他们只看到标题，或者只看到他们想看到的东西——无论我是超过了他们喜爱的艺术家，还是被选中做了某件事而取代了他们喜爱的艺术家，我几乎就成了他们生活中的反派，而他们却根本不了解真实的我。

They see the headline or they see whatever they want to see, whether I pass their favorite artist on a chart or if I got picked to do something opposed to their favorite artist, it almost I become a villain in their life without them actually understanding who I am behind it.

所以当到了做这些事情的时候，我觉得很棒，因为你会开始意识到，我们很多人都有多混乱。

So when it's time to do these things, I think it's great because I think you start to realize how messed up a lot of us are.

甚至谈不上混乱。

Not even messed up.

我甚至不会说我自己混乱。

I wouldn't even say I'm messed up.

我认为你们往往把人和艺术分开来看。

I think just the things that you you tend to separate the human from the art.

我觉得这对我来说也是最难的，你知道，我创作的一切和写下的音乐都完全真实地反映着我。

And I think that's the hardest thing for me too is, you know, everything I make and the music I write about is fully true to me.

我不是在接商业单子。

I don't I'm not taking pitch records.

我在写关于看着父母离世的经历，这已经够难了，可还要转身在TikTok上刷到有人说‘沃伦真烂’。

I'm writing about my watching my parents die, which is so hard to then turn around and swipe on a TikTok and be like, Warren sucks.

你知道吗？

You know?

所以，把这两者分开对我来说真的非常困难。

And so it's just separating separating that is so difficult for me too.

我现在只能不停地刷下去。

I just have to scroll now.

不管好坏，我都不去看，这很难受。

Whether it's good or bad, I don't look at it and it's hard.

这真的很难，因为这些歌对我来说意义重大。

It's really hard because these mean these songs mean so much to me.

这些歌帮助我度过了我所谈论的那些艰难时刻，而能说‘哇，真奇妙’，感觉太奇怪了。

These songs helped me through all those things I'm talking about and like it's so strange to be able to be like, oh, wow.

不把这当作个人攻击，真的很奇怪，你知道吗？

It's so strange not to take that personally, you know?

所以这确实一直是个挑战。

So that's that's definitely been a challenge.

在本期《下一章》中，我，迪·迪·杰克斯，将与传媒大亨、慈善家和全球先驱奥普拉·温弗瑞面对面交谈。

On this week's episode of the next chapter, I, Dee Dee Jakes, get to sit down with Oprah Winfrey, a media mogul, philanthropist, and global trailblazer.

我的人生虽然看似是个例外，但之所以能够实现，全因我顺从了内心的召唤。

My life, although it may look like an anomaly, it is only been possible because I was obedient to the calls.

本期节目深入探讨了奥普拉如何将名气转化为使命，以及在众人注视下真正意味着什么。

This episode dives deep into how Oprah turned fame into purpose and what it really means to evolve with everybody watching.

我所做过的每一个决定，都源于静心与灵性同在，并向神询问：您希望我首先做什么？

Every decision I have ever made has come from sitting with the spirit and asking God, what would you have me do first?

无论你是在重建、重塑，还是仅仅试图维持现状，这一期都会直接触动你。

Whether you're rebuilding, reimagining, or just trying to hold it together, this one will speak directly to you.

请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《下一章》，每周更新。

Listen to next chapter on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast episodes drop weekly.

嗨。

Hi.

我是丹尼·夏皮罗，热门播客《家庭秘密》的主持人。

I'm Danny Shapiro, host of the hit podcast family secrets.

我们当时

We were

在车里，放起了《滚石》这首歌，他说，里面有一句歌词是关于你妈妈的。

in the car, like a rolling stone came on, and he said, there's a line in there about your mother.

我说，什么？

And I said, what?

如果我觉得自己不被接纳，我会选择一个别人无法拥有的身份。

What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have.

我知道半夜发生了一些事，但我无法抓住那到底是什么。

I knew something had happened to me in the middle of the night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened.

这些只是我即将播出的第十三季《家庭秘密》中将要呈现的一些感人而重要的故事。

These are just a few of the moving and important stories I'll be holding space for on my upcoming thirteenth season of Family Secrets.

无论您是从第一季就一直陪伴着我，还是刚刚加入家庭秘密大家庭，我们都非常高兴您能与我们同行。

Whether you've been on this journey with me from season one, or are just joining the Family Secrets family, we're so happy to have you with us.

我将深入探讨秘密那不可思议的力量——它们塑造我们的身份、考验我们的关系，并最终揭示我们真实的样子。

I'll dive deep into the incredible power of secrets, the ones that shape our identities, test our relationships, and ultimately reveal who we truly are.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或您收听播客的任何平台收听《家庭秘密》。

Listen to Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

嗨。

Hey.

我是凯莉，你们中有些人可能认识我，我是劳拉·温斯洛。

I'm Kelly, and some of you may know me as Laura Winslow.

我是塞玛，也叫雷切尔阿姨。

And I'm Thelma, also known as aunt Rachel.

如果这些名字让您感到耳熟，那么您很可能熟悉我们在九十年代共同出演的电视剧《家庭事务》。

If those names ring a bell, then you probably are familiar with the show that we were both on back in the nineties called Family Matters.

凯莉和我做过很多

Kelly and I have done a lot

这些年我们做了很多事情，扮演了众多角色，但我们都为能参与《家庭事务》这部剧感到无比自豪。

of things and played a lot roles over the years, but both of us are just so proud to have been part of Family Matters.

你知道吗，我们是

Did you know that we were one of

拥有黑人演员阵容的最长寿情景喜剧之一？

the longest running sitcoms with a black cast?

拍摄这部剧时，充满了无数欢乐、笑声和搞笑的瞬间，我永远都不会忘记。

When we were making the show, there were so many moments filled with joy and laughter and cut up that I will never forget.

哦，姐妹，你说得太对了。

Oh, girl, you got that right.

你们看我的那个眼神，太有黑人味了。

The look that you all give me is so black.

所有黑人都懂那个眼神。

All black people know about the look.

在《欢迎来到家庭》的每一集中，我们都会分享拍摄这部剧的个人感悟。

On each episode of Welcome to the Family, we'll share personal reflections about making the show.

是的。

Yeah.

我们还会邀请部分演员和其他特邀嘉宾加入，一起分享趣事和八卦。

We'll even bring in part of the cast and some other special guests to join in the fun and spill some tea.

请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您常用的播客平台收听《欢迎来到家庭》，由塞玛和凯莉为您带来。

Listen to welcome to the family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这个捐赠季，你想真正地产生影响吗？

Want to make a real difference this giving season?

今年十二月，《On Purpose》参与了‘播客抗击贫困’活动，多个播客联手帮助卢旺达的三个村庄摆脱极端贫困。

This December On Purpose is part of Pods Fight Poverty, podcasts teaming up to lift three villages in Rwanda out of extreme poverty.

我们通过GiveDirectly进行捐赠，该组织直接向家庭发放现金，让他们能够自主决定最需要的援助项目。

We're doing it through GiveDirectly, which sends cash straight to families so they can choose what they need most.

请访问 givedirectly.org/onpurpose 进行捐赠。

Donate at givedirectly.orgonpurpose.

首次捐赠将获得匹配，使您的善款效果翻倍。

First time gifts are matched, doubling your impact.

我们的目标是在年底之前筹集一百万美元，足以帮助七百个家庭摆脱贫困。

Our goal is $1,000,000 by year's end enough to lift 700 families out of poverty.

请访问 givedirectly.org/onpurpose 加入我们。

Join us at givedirectly.org/onpurpose.

听你说话的时候，我在想，我很欣赏你对母亲所展现出的宽容，能够坐在那里说：没人知道如何抚养四个孩子、看着丈夫去世、应对生活中各种挑战，她不是超人。

As I was listening to you, I was just thinking, I love that you have the capacity for grace for your mom and to sit there and say, you know, no one knows how to raise four kids, watch their husband die, deal with the challenges that come with life, you know, she's not a superhuman.

当你这么说的时候，我在想，我希望你也能对自己培养出同样的宽容，能够对自己说：没人知道，当九岁时父亲去世、母亲是瘾君子、还有三个兄弟姐妹，该如何面对这个世界。

As I was listening to you say that, was like, I hope you're able to develop that grace for yourself to be able to say, you know, no one knows how to come into the world and have their father pass away when they're nine years old and have a mom who's an addict and have three other siblings.

我认为这两种宽容并存，才是真正的宽容，因为你已经能够对母亲展现出这种视角，并将它延伸到自己身上，这真的很美好，因为很多时候，我们只会选择其中一种。

I think both coexisting is what grace really looks like because it's beautiful that you've been able to even have the glimpse of that perspective for your mother and to expand that out into yourself because I often feel that we do one or the other.

我们常常觉得：哦，我对自己很宽容，但我无法原谅那个人，这样感觉并不完全愈合。

So we often feel, oh yeah, I give myself grace but I can't forgive that person and that doesn't feel fully healed.

我们也可能反过来：我们对那个人很宽容，却对自己没有宽容。

We do the opposite where we give that person grace but we don't for us.

我能感同身受，因为我总是想到我父亲，他有着极其复杂的童年，当我回望他的经历时，我更能理解并宽容他后来成为的样子。

And I can resonate with it because I always think about my dad because he had such a complex childhood and when I look at it, it gives me context and grace for who he became.

如果没有这样的背景，就像你刚才精彩地解释的那样，我爸爸在四岁时就目睹了母亲的去世。

And if without that context in the same way as you just beautifully explained, but yeah, my dad like saw his mom die when he was four.

他在印度的贫民窟长大，有四个兄弟姐妹，大家只是努力弄清楚该如何生活。

He grew up in the slums of India, he had four siblings that, you know, were just trying to figure out what to do.

当我理解了这个背景后，就能对他充满宽容与同情；同时，尽管我没有经历过这些困难，或你所经历的那些，我也必须对自己怀有同样的慈悲。所以，是的，我真心希望这能为你打开一扇门，因为你能对她拥有这样的包容能力，真的很美。

And when I understand that context, I can have grace and compassion for him and then at the same time, even though I didn't have those troubles or your troubles, there's compassion I have to have for myself and so, yeah, I really hope this opens a doorway for that for you because it's beautiful that you have the capacity for that for her.

是的。

Yeah.

就在那一刻，你做到了。

And had it in that moment.

这真的很特别。

It's really special, actually.

说来有趣，我从未有过这样的视角。

I've never had that perspective funny enough.

如此简单的事情，却如此深刻，你知道吗？

Something so simple, yeah, so profound, you know?

是的，我的意思是，你已经有了这种认知，你正在谈论你的母亲，就像你在说你九岁、十四岁和二十一岁时的自己，但当你经历那些时候，你青少年时期最需要却没能得到的是什么？

Yeah, I mean you have it, you're the one saying it about your mother like you know it's just, you know saying the same about your nine year old self and 14 and 21 but when you were going through that, what what do was, you believe you needed most in your teenage years that you didn't have?

哇。

Wow.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我的意思是，显而易见的答案其实很明显。

I mean, the obvious answer is obviously apparent.

是的。

Yeah.

除此之外，是的。

Outside of that, yeah.

我想我只能尽力利用我所拥有的。

I think I I made do with what I had.

我不觉得我当时还能得到更多东西。

I don't I don't necessarily think I could have had anything more.

你知道吗？

You know?

你成长并度过青春期时，我认为我有抱负。

You growing up and being a teenager, I think I had ambition.

我有一个梦想。

I had a dream.

我有一个目标。

I had a goal.

每天作为一个孩子，我从不考虑该去参加什么派对。

And I every day, being a kid, I never thought of like, what am I going to do party wise?

我想的是，我该怎么做才能实现这些目标？

I thought, what am I going to do so I can achieve those goals?

我一直以来都想做这件事。

I've always wanted to do this.

所以我不知道。

So I don't know.

我每天真正醒来时都在想，我该如何让我的梦想和目标成为现实？

I truly, every day, I just woke up and I thought, how do I make this dream and goal of mine possible?

我从未放弃过它。

I've never let let go of it.

在这样一个环境中，你不断被告诉你很糟糕，而你唯一的照顾者又不爱你的艺术或不鼓励你，当然你也没有资源，你是如何保护自己和自尊的？

How did you protect that and protect your self esteem in an environment where you're being told you suck, where someone who's the only caregiver in your life doesn't love your art or doesn't encourage it, and of course you don't have the resources to how did you protect that?

我不知道。

I have no idea.

我完全不明白。

I have no clue.

我早就该放弃了，直到今天我还在质疑为什么会这样。

I should have given up so long ago and that is something that I've questioned to this day of why it happened.

很长一段时间以来，我从小就有这种直觉，对我而言，我把这归功于上帝。

I, for the longest time, had this gut feeling since I was a kid and whether you for me, I credit that to God.

我是基督徒，我信仰这种方式。

I'm a Christian and I have faith in that way.

但对于这么多人来说，我真的无法想象，我每天醒来都告诉自己：我要坚持下去。

But for so many people, you know, I can't imagine, I every day I woke up and I go, I'm going to do this.

作为一个如此缺乏自信的人，明明不相信自己的才华，也不相信自己所处的人生境遇，我本该早就放弃的，但我从未放弃。

And I had so much confidence for being such an insecure guy, for not believing in myself talent wise, for not believing in myself where my life was and I would I should have given up way before I did, and I never did.

我就是有一种奇怪的直觉，觉得这一切本该发生，于是我追随了它，于是我们才有了今天。

I just had this weird gut feeling that this was supposed to happen, and I followed it, and here we are.

是的。

Yeah.

我非常喜欢这一点，因为我的社群里最常听到的一句话就是：‘我的家人不相信我，我处在一种有毒的环境里。’

I I love that, as in I love hearing that too because one of the most common things I hear a lot from my community is, Jo my family doesn't believe in me, I'm in a toxic atmosphere.

是的。

Yeah.

周围有些人一直在拖我后腿，充满负能量，我该怎么办？

There are people around me who are just holding me back, people with negative energy, what do I do about it?

而你就坐在这里，我们知道，我们看到的只是你人生的一个片段。

And you're sitting here, you know, and we're looking at a snapshot of your life.

嗯。

Yeah.

是的，我们正在深入一些细节，但你知道，当然还有更多，毕竟这是你的生活。

And yes, we're getting into some detail but you know, there's so much more to it, of course, it's your life.

而你坐在这里想，其实这就是我所拥有的一切。

And you're sitting here going, well actually that's all I had.

嗯。

Yeah.

所以我做了我所能做的一切。

So I did all I had.

那基本上不是你的逃避，而是你的热情，你的追求，是你所有精力和专注的所在，因为如果你把专注放在其他所有事情上，你还能把专注给谁呢？

Like that was basically not your escape but that was your passion, was your pursuit, it was where all your energy went, it's where all your focus went because what else would you give your focus to if you gave it to all the other things?

你根本活不下去。

You wouldn't have survived.

没错。

Exactly.

我从来没有备选计划。

I I never had a plan b.

我去上学的时候，在课堂上发音乐相关内容。

I would go to school and in classes I was posting musical.

就是。

Lys.

这真的是我唯一在做的事。

Like, I it was it was literally all I did.

每天我进教室就拿出手机刷社交媒体或者发我的唱歌视频，结果我挂科了。

Every day, I would go into class and I would just go on my phone and do social media or post my singing videos and it it I was failing.

我没有高中毕业。

I I didn't graduate high school.

我不会建议任何人这么做。

Like, I and nor would I ever recommend that to anyone.

我不知道当时那种信念从何而来，为什么我觉得这就是我该做的事，我只是顺其自然，没有反抗。

I do not know what that conviction was and why I thought that that was what I was supposed to do and it just it I didn't fight it.

我把其他一切都屏蔽了。

I tuned everything else out.

我对此之外的任何事都不感兴趣，也从未想过备选方案。

There was nothing else I was interested in and I never had a backup plan.

我想着，我会无家可归，但我还是要这么做，结果我最后成了

Was like, I'm gonna be homeless, I'm gonna do this, I ended up being

上帝与你的这种信念有关吗？

Did God have anything to do with the conviction?

我愿意这么认为。

I like to think so.

我经常听播客，听到别人这么说时，总会让我感到困惑，你知道吗？

I think a lot of times when I watch podcasts and I hear people say that though, always throws me through a loop, you know?

每当我回顾这段经历，谈论我的信仰时，我都觉得我来到这个世界就是为了做这件事。

And I think like, you know, a lot of times when I've, you know, gone through this stuff and talked about my faith and things, I just feel as if I have been put on this earth to do this.

我觉得，只有失去父母，才能成为今天的我。

And I feel as if I had to lose my parents to be the person I am today.

我所失去的一切塑造了今天的我，我知道我遇到了很多人，经历了这一切之后，我对自己的状态感到满意。

And the things that I've lost have shaped me into the the the man that I am, and, you know, I've met everyone, and and I'm happy with myself after all this loss and and whatnot.

对我来说，我曾经历了很多挣扎，因为我一直觉得：如果上帝是真实的，他不会对我做这样的事，你知道吗？

And I for me, I battled a lot because I've always been like, oh, well, like, God was real, he wouldn't have done that to me, you know?

当我回顾我人生的片段时，我看到自己犯过的每一个错误、失去的每一件事、经历的每一场变故，都成了某种形式的教训。

And I think that when you when I look at a snapshot of my life, I look at every single mistake I've ever made and every single thing that's taken away and every single thing that has happened to me has led been a lesson of some sort.

我从一切经历中都学到了东西，我也明白别人可能不同意我的看法。

I've learned from everything and I I understand it's people probably disagree with that.

我觉得这完全没问题。

I think that's fully fine.

想想我所经历的一切、我走过的路，以及我今天所处的位置，对我来说，唯一说得通的解释就是如此。

Just think for what I've lived through and the things that I've gone through and where I am today, the only thing to me makes sense is that.

这就是信仰的美妙之处。

And that's the beautiful thing about faith.

你必须相信它，你知道吗？

You gotta believe it, you know?

太疯狂了。

It's crazy.

是啊。

Yeah.

你后悔没有告诉妈妈你的感受吗？

Do regret not telling your mom how you felt?

还是你希望有机会告诉她，你原谅她，理解她，并与她分享这份同情？

Or do you wish you got to tell her that you forgive her and that you understand and share that compassion?

还是你觉得你们在精神上和内心中已经彼此传达了？

Or do you feel it was shared in spirit and internally and that?

不。

No.

我觉得我唯一后悔的是，我妈妈去世时是孤身一人，每次想到这个我都心如刀割。

I think the one thing that I regret is my mom I look at this every time and it just kills me is my mom died alone.

你知道吗？

You know?

她没有朋友。

She didn't have friends.

她再也没有家人了。

She didn't have family anymore.

所有人都离开了她。

Everyone left her.

所有人都离开了，因为他们想专注于自己。

Everyone left because they wanted to focus on themselves.

我认为这是我必须面对的最艰难的事：当我想到这一点时，我记得我正在开车，开始思考我的人生，我害怕独自一人。

I think that's the hardest thing that I've had to deal with is when I I thought about that, I was I remember I was driving and I I started thinking about my life and how I'm terrified to be alone.

于是我开始想到我妈妈，我意识到她是一个人，我给她发了短信，想关心一下她，却不知道她正独自死去。

And I started to think about my mom, and I realized that she was alone, and I texted her, and I wanted to check on her, and little did I know she was dying alone.

所以对我来说，是的，当人们离开你的生活后，而这种情况已经多次发生在我身上时，很容易就会想：哇，我希望我当时能做得不一样。

And so for me, yeah, I mean, it's so easy to it's so easy when people are out of your life and now that it's happened to me so many times to be like, wow, I wish I did this different.

但如果你总是这样想，你永远无法撑下去。

And you're never gonna survive if you think that way.

是的。

Yeah.

我这辈子已经失去了这么多人，每次都是，太容易想，唉，我本该多做点的。

It's never gonna I have lost so many people in my life, and every time you it's so goddamn easy to be like, oh, I should have done this more.

我本该每天都陪在他们身边。

I should have walked with them every day.

我本该珍惜那些间隙中的时刻，但现在当我拥有友谊和关系时，一切都无足轻重了。

I should have cherished those moments in between, but now when I have friendships and I have relationships, nothing matters.

至少对我来说，任何问题都显得微不足道，因为我回想起我失去的一切，终于明白了失去一个人意味着什么。

To me at least, any issue is small because I'm to put in perspective the things that I've lost and been able to now understand the gravity of what that means in losing someone.

因此，我也觉得自己作为一个普通人，在与他人相处时变得更加体贴了。

And so I feel like as a person, I'm much better of a emotional person with other people because of that as well.

是的。

Yeah.

当然。

Of course.

但我不知道。

But I don't know.

我从来不敢想这些。

Can never think about that.

我真心佩服你能在这么短的时间内处理这么多事情。

I'm genuinely so in awe of your ability to process so much in so little time.

我这么说绝不是空洞的奉承。

And I don't say that as empty flattery at all.

我以最大的诚意说这句话，因为这让我觉得特别有趣：两个人经历同样的事，反应却截然不同。

Say it with as much gravitas as you can probably say it with because, and it's so interesting to me because two people can go through the same thing and have completely different reactions.

是的。

Yeah.

每个人都有权以自己的方式去消化这些，但我觉得，你能够这样一步步走过来，让你不断成长和愈合，而不是被本不该由你这个孩子承担的责任压垮。

And everyone's allowed to process it however they decide to process it but it feels like the way you've been able to walk these footsteps is allowing you to continue to grow and heal but not crush yourself under the responsibility that you shouldn't have had to carry as a kid anyway.

我觉得这特别有意思：我们很多年轻人背负着本不该承受的重担，哪怕作为成年人也不该如此，而你却一直背着它。我听到的是，你似乎在需要的时候，恰到好处地放下了这份重担，以便继续前行。

And I think that's what's so interesting is so many of us as young people carry weight that was too heavy that shouldn't have even ever come across even as an adult and you end up carrying that weight continuously and it feels like, I'm not saying it was easy or that's not my interpretation of it but what I'm hearing is you've almost been able to put the weight down at the right time when you've needed to in order to move forward.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯。

Yeah.

我真的不知道。

I I don't know.

你同意这个观点吗？

Do you agree with that?

嗯。

Yeah.

我同意。

I do.

我就是对生活有这样的看法，听起来很重复，我也一直在说，但我真的认为我生命中发生的一切都是教训。

I I just have this outlook on life that the And it sounds so redundant and I keep saying it, but truly I think that everything that has happened in my life is a lesson.

哪里

Where

这来自哪里？

did that come from?

你怎么会走到这一步的？

How did you even get to that place?

我真的不知道。

I don't even know.

你只能自己去建立它。

You just had to build it.

这是一种生存本能。

It's a survival instinct.

就像我正在

Like that's what I'm

我开始思考人生的意义。

I started to think about what's the point.

我开始反思自己的生活，不久前我曾与抑郁斗争过，那时我开始思考人生的意义。

I started to think about my life and I think I had a moment where I had a reflection but also had I battled with depression a little while ago, and I started to think what was the point?

为什么这些事都会发生在我身上？

Why did all these things happen to me?

为什么我的人生是这样？我本该在哪里？

Why is this my life and where am I supposed to be?

我认为，就像你说的，应对它有两种方式。

And I think, like you said, there are two ways of dealing with it.

有很多这样的人，我的家人全是这样。

There's a lot of people And my family's full of it.

我的家人各有各的方式去承受我们经历的一切，因为我不只是一个人，我们都走了不同的路。

My family's full of different ways that we have all endured what we went through because I'm not the only one, and we've all gone different routes of that.

对我来说，我只是开始想，如果我不这样对待这件事，那意义何在？

And for me, I just started to think, what is the point if I'm not treating this the way?

我无法控制我的父母已经去世的事实。

I can't control the fact that my parents are dead.

我无法控制生命是短暂的，我有朋友去世，还有生活中各种各样的事，比如被欺骗，或者一些随机发生的状况。

I can't control the fact that, you know, life is fleeting and, you know, I've had friends die and all these different things and, you know, or even like the mistakes that happened, getting cheated on or just random stuff that has happened in my life.

然后我开始意识到，生活中的一切是否都是通向另一件事的途径呢？

And then I start to realize if everything in life is a way to another thing, you know?

你所经历的事情，是他人决策的副产品，而你的反应则是随之而来的东西。

What happens to you is a byproduct of a decision that someone made and your reaction is what follows.

对吧？

Right?

对我来说，如果我失去某个人，它会在某个方面教会我一些东西。

And for me, if I lose someone, it teaches me something in some aspect of life.

如果我在舞台上犯了错误，我真觉得这是因为我要学习。

If I make a mistake on stage, I truly think that that's something because I need to learn.

错误只有在你从中吸取教训时才有意义，如果你不吸取，那就成了习惯。

Mistakes are only important if you learn from them and if you don't, it's a habit.

因此，我每天都特别强调生命中的这一方面——成长，因为如果不能成长，活着还有什么意义？

And so I've just really stressed that aspect of my life every day of, you know, growing because what's the point of living if you can't grow?

如果不能不断努力成为更好的人，活着又有什么意义？

What's the point of living if you can't constantly try and become a better person?

我唯一了解的父亲是，虽然我对他了解不多，因为他在我小时候就去世了，但每个我问过的人都说他是我见过最善良的人，最温柔的人，他走进房间时就像一束光。我常常想，当我去世后，别人会怎么评价我呢？

I The one thing I know about my dad, and I don't know much because he died when I was a kid, everyone I ask says he was the nicest person ever, says he was the kindest person ever, says he was a light when he walked through a room, and I often think of when I die, what is someone gonna say about me?

你知道吗？

You know?

所以对我来说，我一直努力追求，渴望成为像我父亲那样的人。

And so for me, you know, I've always just strived and chased that ability to be like my dad.

每一天，我都在不断努力成为一个更好的人，而做到这一点的唯一方式就是成长，而成长的唯一途径就是从错误中学习。

And every day, I'm constantly striving to be a better human, and the only way you do that is by growth, and the only way you grow is by learning from your mistakes.

为什么要专注于那些你无法改变的事情呢？

Why focus on the things you can't change?

专注于你对发生之事的反应。

Focus on the the reaction of what has happened.

你希望人们在你去世后如何评价你？

What do you hope people will say about you when you die?

我觉得很多人可能坐在这里谈论过他们的事业，而我只是希望有人能说，我是个伟大的父亲。

I feel like a lot of people have probably sat here and said something about their career, and I just wanna be I want someone to say that I was a great father.

我希望人们也能像那样。

I want people to be like that.

你想怎么说我就怎么说吧。

Say what you want about me.

你可以对我的音乐评头论足，但我非常在意，我只想做个好父亲。

Say what you want about my music, but I cared a lot, and I I just wanna be a good father.

这正是我一生努力的目标。

That's what my entire life is set off to be.

你知道吗？

You know?

是的。

Yeah.

我喜欢你制作的视频。

I love I love the videos you make.

为了我的孩子们。

For my kids.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯。

Yeah.

为了你的孩子。

For your kids.

嗯。

Yeah.

那激励了我。

That was inspiring me.

我当时就想，我得开始了。

I was like, I need to start.

我得赶上这班车。

I need to get on that train.

我爸爸给我们留下了家庭录像。

My dad left us home videos.

不可能。

No way.

是的。

Yeah.

所以最酷的部分就是

So that was the coolest part about

爸爸给你拍了？

Daddy filmed for you?

所有东西。

Everything.

所有东西。

Everything.

我有好几个小时我爸拍的录像。

I have hours of footage of what my dad filmed.

我能听到他的声音。

I get to hear his voice.

我认为，这是关于悲伤的另一件事，没人会告诉你：你会开始忘记某人的气味。

And I think that's the other thing that no one teaches you about grief is you start to forget the smell of someone.

你会开始忘记他们的声音。

You start to forget what they sound like.

你会忘记在经历糟糕的一天后拥抱某人，或向某人倾诉的感觉。

You forget what it's like to hold someone after having a bad day or confiding someone.

你根本不知道有多严重。

You don't know how badly.

我唯一希望的是，我能给爸爸打电话，向他请教关于婚姻、为人父以及生活中各种事情的建议。

The one thing I wish is I could call my dad and just ask for advice about marriage, about fatherhood, about just things you go through.

这就是我习以为常的事情——能够随时给他们打电话。

That's the thing I take for granted, just being able to call them.

我每天都会打电话，只为听那段语音留言，每天都打，直到有一天有人接了电话，因为我妈妈付不起电话费了。

I called every day to hear that voicemail, every day until one day someone picked up the phone because my mom couldn't afford to keep paying the bill.

所以，能看到这些视频，让我认识了一个原本并不了解的人，这真的非常珍贵。

And so that's the one thing is like it's been so nice to be able to see those videos and humanize someone who I didn't know.

我经常听到关于我父亲的事，我把他捧上了神坛，觉得他是个完美的人，但我不希望他真是这样。

I often hear about my dad and I've put him on this pedestal of just being this perfect guy and I don't want him to be.

我希望他有错误。

I want him to have mistakes.

我希望他有缺点，因为我也有缺点。

I want him to have flaws because I have flaws.

我希望在我父亲身上也能看到这些。

And I want to see that in my dad.

所以，我父亲最好的朋友经常来找我。

And so my my dad's best friend comes around all the time.

他在我生活中出现得太多了。

He's in my life so much.

他就像我的叔叔一样，他带来了这些信，因为那时候还没有电话。

He's like an uncle to me, and he brought these letters because back then they didn't have phones.

我父亲和他们过去常常互相写信。

And my dad used to they used to write each other letters.

他是他最好的朋友，每次谈到他们时总是说错话，他给我看了这些信，而我的写作风格就跟我爸一模一样。

And it's his bestest friend, and he gets tripped up talking about them all the time, and he showed me these letters, and I write just like my dad.

我无缘无故就说‘ psyched ’。

I say psyched for no reason.

我不知道自己为什么这么说。

I don't know why I say it.

我会说：哦，我太兴奋了。

I'm like, oh, I'm psyched.

这太棒了。

That's sick.

别人都会问：你在说什么呢？

And everyone's like, what are you talking about?

他在每封信里都这么写。

And he wrote it in every letter.

哇。

Wow.

一个我不认识的人。

Someone I didn't know.

想想看。

Like, think about that.

我根本不了解我爸爸。

I did not know my dad.

我当时才九岁。

I was nine years old.

我对他的记忆，就像我对医生的记忆一样，你知道吗？这很难受。

I have memories of him the same way I have memories about my doctor, you know, and that's hard.

他身上有太多我的影子，而最棒的是，我每天都能发现关于他的新事情。我说这话的时候，也不知道是从哪儿听来的，反正不是我想出来的，但人们会死两次。

And there's so much of him in me and that's the coolest part is being able to every day learn something new about him and I say this and I don't know where I heard it and I never came up with this, but people die twice.

他们第一次死是在去世时，第二次是在没人再讲述他们的故事时。

They die when they die and they die when you stop telling their story.

我整个职业生涯、整个人生的目标，就是让他继续活着，这真的非常有意义。

And my whole goal with everything in my entire career, my entire life is just to keep him alive, which has been really cool.

是的，我觉得你在这方面做得非常好。

Yeah, I think you're doing a great job with that.

意思是我在努力

Mean Trying my

天哪，就连我本人也觉得，当你谈论你父亲的时候，我感觉离他特别近，尽管我根本不知道他究竟是谁，但我完全同意你的看法。

damn Even I feel like I feel so, you know, I feel like when you're talking about your dad, I feel so close to him even though I have no, you know, idea of who he was and I couldn't agree with you more.

你承载着你所失去的、所爱的人的一部分。

Feel that you carry a part of the people that you lost, that you love.

我有一位精神导师，也是我的父亲般的人物，五年前去世了，我非常爱他，他患有四期脑癌，因此在生命的最后几年里逐渐失去了记忆。

Had a spiritual mentor of mine, a father figure who passed away five years ago, who I love deeply and he had stage four brain cancer and so he started to lose his memory towards the last few years of his life.

他从记得我的脸和名字，到只记得我的名字，到最后甚至认不出我。

So he went from remembering my face and name to my name to towards the end, not even noticing me.

是的。

Yeah.

我能体会到那种感觉——他就是我想要分享任何事情时最想打电话的人，因为对我来说，他就是这样的存在，而这一切都是在他去世后才真正开始的。

And I can relate to that point of just, he's the person I wish I could call to share anything that happens because in my that's what he was and all of this took off after he passed away really.

是的，这正是那种事情，我完全同意，我在播客里经常提到他，和朋友家人也经常聊起他，因为没有人能像他那样。

And yeah, it's one of those things but I fully agree with that, I talk about him a lot on the podcast, I talk about him a lot with friends and family because there was no one like him.

嗯。

Yeah.

我甚至希望更多人能有机会认识他，了解一个人究竟能做到什么程度，以及一个人该如何生活。

And I almost wish more people got to experience him to know what was possible as a human and how someone could live with.

所以他患有四期脑癌，记忆开始衰退时，每次见到人，他只会感谢他们为上帝所做的服务。

So he had this, because he had stage four brain cancer and his memory started to break when he'd meet people, all he'd do was thank them for their service to God.

因此，他的大脑始终停留在感恩上。

And so his brain was stuck on gratitude.

哇。

Wow.

他只会感谢别人。

So all he'd is thank people.

所以他可以忘记对方的名字、忘记对方的长相，但因为他是我们灵性社群的领袖，每次遇到你，他都会真诚地说：‘谢谢你为上帝所做的一切’，他真的是发自内心地感谢你为你所做的一切。

So he could forget their name, forget their face but because he was a leader in our spiritual community, he would just, if he'd meet you, he'd just be like, thank you for your service to God and he'd really mean it, like, thank you for everything you've been doing.

这太美了。

That's beautiful.

当时我就想，天啊，如果我的大脑有一天崩溃了，我希望它也能这样崩溃。

And it was just, and I was like, wow, like, God, if my brain ever broke, I hope it breaks like that.

这恰恰展现了内心真正重要的是什么。

That just shows what's really, you know, in there.

是的。

Yeah.

但当我听你讲述这些时，感觉你人生的每一个阶段都如此不同。我原本准备这次访谈时，以为只是普通对话，现在能见到你本人，我的看法完全改变了——我看到你身上惊人的韧性、力量，以及你愿意揭开伤疤、从不同角度审视它的勇气。17岁时，你妈妈把你赶出了家门。

But yeah, as I'm hearing you talk about this, it's almost like every phase of your life, I mean, when I was preparing for this, I was like, and now I'm getting to meet you obviously, so I have a completely different perspective because I'm looking at how much resilience you have and strength you have and how much you're willing to open the wound as well and look at it from different angles, is at 17 your mom kicks you out of the house.

是的。

Yeah.

然后，就像你刚才说的，你最终无家可归，住在车里。

And then you end up, as you said a few moments ago, you end up being homeless and living in a car.

跟我聊聊你17岁那年住在车里的日常生活吧，因为

Talk to me about the day to day of living as living in a car as a 17 year old because

我的意思是，我其实挺幸运的，我不骗你。

I mean, I had it I had it pretty lucky, I'm not gonna lie.

我睡过车里，朋友们会偷偷让我进他们家，我就躺在他们地板上，躲着，希望没人进来。

Like, I I slept in cars, my friends would sneak me into their houses and I would sleep like on their floors with hiding, hoping no one walked in.

是的，只有几晚我是真的睡在路边，大概就两晚吧，你知道的？

Yeah, I'm not There was only a few nights where I actually slept like on the road, like probably two, you know?

而我觉得，对我而言最重要的是，我妈妈赶我走，是因为她希望我回来。

And like, I think that's the biggest thing for me is, you know, I My mom kicks me out because she wanted me to come back.

她希望我回来，我想她整个心态就是一种作为母亲的不安全感，你知道吗？

She wanted me to I think her whole thing and what I never realized was this insecurity of being a mother, you know?

而我，有那么一晚，她把我按在地上，开始大哭，用尽全力打我。

And for me, I would just I had a point where she that night, she had pinned me on the ground and just started wailing, punching as hard as she could.

我当过海军的哥哥最终把她拉开，我跑出了家门，再也没有回去。

My brother, who's a marine, ended up pulling her off, and I ran out of the house and I never came back.

第二天，她报了警，警察到处找我，说是我打了她，闹得沸沸扬扬。

That was something where then the next day she called the cops and the cops went looking for me saying that I hit her, a whole thing.

所以我躲了起来。

And so I just hid.

我在街上躲着，躲在朋友的车里。

I hid on the street, hid in my friend's cars.

我妈妈随后联系了她所有朋友的父母，说我是个坏孩子之类的，于是他们都不让我再睡在他们家了。

My mom then called all of her all of their friends' parents and said, I'm bad news and all these things, and then they stopped letting me sleep in their house.

于是我只好睡在车里，后来被朋友的父亲用一支.177口径的气枪打中了，那枪就像个小玩意儿。

And so I would sleep in a car, then I ended up getting shot by my friend's dad with a 177, which is like a baby.

它就像是你用来猎鹿或兔子的那种枪，它的设计初衷就是对动物造成最大伤害。

It's like a it's like a, you know, you hunt deer or rabbits or something with it, and the it's the way it's shaped is supposed to do as much damage in the animal.

那是个意外，他并不是故意的，也不明白事情的严重性。

And it was an accident you didn't mean to or you didn't understand the scope of it.

那他为什么要这么做？

And As in why did he do it?

他为什么甚至

Why why did he even

我觉得七八十年代长大的很多男孩都会用气枪互相射击。

I think a lot of the guys who who grew up in the seventies and eighties would shoot each other with pellet guns.

那时候这就是常态，比如玩猜谜游戏。

Like, that was the thing, like, guess.

他们没意识到这根本不是气枪，而是一把猎枪。

And I don't think they realized this wasn't a pellet gun, and it was like a hunting rifle.

而且他也不知道枪是不是上膛了，但我们正在拍视频，他说：跑。

And he also I don't know if he knew it was loaded, but we were filming a video and he said, run.

我跑的时候 zigzag 闪避，以为这样能躲开，但他枪法太准了，一枪打中了我的肝脏。

I ran and zigzagged because I thought that would work and damn was he a good shot, he nailed me right in the liver.

子弹向上穿入，离我的心脏只有几厘米，最后卡在了我的肺里，直到今天。

And it went up, it missed my heart by a few centimeters and it stuck in my lung today.

直到今天它还在那里。

It's still there today.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

它太小了，如果你做X光检查，能看到它，但如果你想取出来，就得打断我的肋骨，那样我可能会死，根本不值得。

It's so small that if you were to if you x-ray it, you can see it, but if you were to pull it out, you'd have to break my ribs and it'd be a chance I would die and it's just not worth it.

它现在被包裹在我的右肺里。

It's capsulized in my lung right now, my right lung.

对我来说，当时的感觉是怎样的。

To me about how it felt in the moment.

我的意思是，那简直痛不欲生。

I mean, that's excruciating.

你看过那些慢动作拍摄的彩弹击中身体的视频吗？

Have you ever seen those videos of paintballs hitting your body in slow motion?

是的。

Yeah.

当然。

Sure.

感觉就像那样。

Felt like that.

它击中了神经，我跳了起来，弄断了肘部，或者骨折了，反正就是伤了。

It hit a nerve, I jumped up, I broke my elbow, or I fractured it or whatever.

我只记得那是你一生中经历过的最痛苦的疼痛。

And I just remember the worst pain you'll ever feel in your entire life.

我不知道被九毫米子弹击中是什么感觉，但那种感觉就像身体里在燃烧。

I don't know what it's like to get shot with a nine mil, but that was like it was burning in my body.

我抓挠着胸口，只想缓解那种疼痛。

And I was scratching my chest trying to just get the pain.

简直在说：停下吧，求你了。

Was like, make it stop, please.

我记得中弹时，他们不相信弹丸还在体内，以为我在胡闹，于是挤压伤口想把弹丸挤出来，以为它只是在表层，根本没意识到我内出血了。

And I remember when I was shot, they didn't believe it was in me, they thought I was fucking around and so they were squeezing the wound trying to get the pellet out thinking it was at surface level, not realizing I was bleeding internally.

是的，我记得那可能是我一生中经历过的最痛苦的疼痛——感受着弹丸或子弹在体内灼烧。

And, yeah, I remember that was probably the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life is feeling the pellet burn or bullet.

从技术上讲，是子弹在我体内燃烧。

Technically, it's a bullet burning in my body.

那真的很痛苦。

That was hard.

那次太惨了。

That one sucked.

你立刻去医院了吗？

Did you go to the hospital immediately?

是的。

Yes.

对。

Yeah.

我去医院了，他们因枪伤收治了我。

I went to the hospital, they admitted me for a gunshot wound.

我报了警，因为每次有人因枪伤入院，警察都会来。

I had the cops come because every time you admit anyone to the hospital for a GSW, the cops come.

有趣的是，这个人主持了我的婚礼。

This guy, funny enough, he officiated my wedding.

开枪射你的人？

The guy who shot you?

实际上，他是我生命中非常重要的一部分。

Huge part of my life, actually.

他是我生命中非常重要的一部分。

He's a huge part of my life.

我父亲去世后，他就像我的父亲一样，但他犯了一个错误。

He was a father figure to me when my dad passed away, he made a mistake.

我可能是你见过的最宽容的人。

I'm also probably the most forgiving person you'll ever meet.

亚历克斯，我觉得我们得慢一点了。

You're literally I think, Alex, we need to slow down here.

是的。

Yeah.

不。

No.

他太棒了。

He's amazing.

他和他的家人一直是我生命中至关重要的部分，帮助我成长为今天的我，而不是康复过程，而是我人生的成长。

He's truly like his family has been such a crucial part of my life and in my recover not recovery, but in my life of becoming who I am today.

他一直是这样一个人，我至今仍会回家探望他，他还主持了我的婚礼。

He has been He's someone I still go back home and visit and he officiated my wedding.

他的女儿从我13岁起就是我最好的朋友。

His daughter is my best friend since I was 13.

他让我睡在他家的地板上，甚至睡在他的车里。

And he was letting me sleep on the floor of his house and sleep in his car.

发生这件事后，他显然支付了医院的账单，还给我买了一辆车——他拥有或管理着一家沃尔沃汽车经销商。

And when this happened, he obviously paid the hospital bills and he bought me a he he owns a Volvo dealership or he manages a Volvo dealership.

所以我有一辆车，就睡在车里，这太棒了。

And so I had a car and I slept in it, which was awesome.