约会专家萨布丽娜·佐哈尔：你不是困惑，而是忽视了信号（这种心态转变将彻底终结“如果”循环）

所以他们会回信息，一直很守时，答应的事都会做到，但在六周后，几乎每两天都见面或每周见好几次，他们突然就变了。

So they text back, they're consistent, they show up when they say they will and then all of a sudden after six weeks of spending nearly every other day together or seeing each other multiple times a week, they change.

现在他们变得不一致了。

Now they're inconsistent.

现在他们要三天后才回消息。

Now they message back after three days.

现在他们没时间见你了。

Now they don't have time to see you.

他们生活中出了点事，然后你就一直等着，三个月后他们才说：嗯，这段关系行不通。

Something's come up in their life and then you're waiting around only for three months in they go, yeah this is not working out.

这对人们来说是个巨大的冲击。

That comes as such a shock to people.

爱轰炸是一种情况，但那通常感觉像是一个人在努力赢得你、向你展示一切，让你觉得他们爱你。

Now love bombing is one version but that often feels like it's one person just trying to win you and show you and kind of, you know, kind of give you this perception that they love you.

但这种情况更像：不，我们只是两个成年人在连接，看起来有情绪稳定，也有持续性，我看到了所有积极的信号，但两个月后，你却完全变了个人。

But this is more like, no, we're just both being adults, we're connecting, there seems to be regulation, there seems to be consistency, I'm seeing all the good signs but then two months in you're a totally different person.

你见过人们以什么健康的方式应对这种情况吗？

How have you seen people deal with that in a good way or in a healthy way?

这让人很震惊。

It's jarring.

对吧？

Right?

我永远不会否定任何人的经历，当你觉得一切都很好时。

I'll never discredit anyone's experience that when you think everything's good.

但你一开始提到的一点真的很重要。

But even you said something in the beginning that was really important.

如果他们每隔一天就见面，这就意味着一种强烈的互动。

If they spend every other day together, it's like that's intensity.

而这正是关键所在。

And that's the thing.

这就是为什么它会让人感到非常害怕，因为很多人，根据他们的依恋类型，会基于感受而非恐惧来行动。

And that's why it can feel really scary and really because there's a lot of people, depending on the attachment style that they have, where they go and they operate from feelings minus fear.

所以对一些人来说，他们会完全投入，觉得我现在感觉非常好。

And so for some people, they'll go in 100% of, I feel really good now.

我现在感觉非常好。

I feel really good now.

因为他们没有花一点时间去想：这真的是我想要的吗？

Because they're not taking a minute to say, Hey, is this actually what I want?

这个人有什么？

What does this person have?

有哪些品质？

Are there qualities?

对很多人来说，他们可能会带着兴奋进入这段关系。

For a lot of people, they might enter it in in excitement.

看，他们就在那里。

Look, they're there.

我在这里。

I'm here.

而且我们很兴奋。

And we're excited.

我们很兴奋。

We're excited.

我们很兴奋。

We're excited.

然后新鲜感会消退，因为对方一直很稳定，他们不玩套路，也不会以同样的方式激发你。

And then the novelty wears off because the person is consistent, because they're not playing games, they're not being activated in the same way.

通常这时候，你就会开始看到彼此渐行渐远。

And that's usually when you'll start to see the pull away.

对我来说，这就是我大力主张慢慢来的原因。

For me, that's why I'm a big proponent of going slow.

慢慢来并不是为不良行为找借口。

Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior.

慢慢来只是意味着你不会比必要更快地推进关系的各个阶段。

Going slow just means you're not expediting the stages of the relationship quicker than you need to be.

所以这可能表现为：对不起，我这周已经有安排了。

And so what that could even look like is saying, I'm sorry, I have plans this week.

我只能见你一两次，因为我需要维持自己的生活。

I can only see you once or twice because I'm maintaining my life.

你还没有在我生活中赢得一席之地。

You haven't earned a place in my life yet.

我经常看到这种情况，而我曾经就是她。

And I see that a lot of the times, and I used to be her.

我会遇到一个男生。

I would meet a guy.

我看到过一些糟糕的约会建议。

I saw this terrible dating advice.

她说：一定要把约会安排在周四，因为如果进展顺利，你就可以为周六做计划了。

She said, always have your dates on Thursday because if it goes well, you can make plans for Saturday.

我说：绝对不行。

And I said, oh, absolutely not.

不，女士，因为那样我会显得太容易接近了。

No, ma'am, because then I'm too accessible.

那样我就是在告诉这个人：我没什么安排。

Then what I'm telling this person is, I have nothing going on.

你想做什么？

What do you wanna do?

相反，他们是补充我的生活，而不是取代我的生活。

And instead, they're an addition to my life not instead of.

所以，如果我欢迎你进入我的生活，你必须先赢得这个位置。

And so if I'm welcoming you into my life, you have to earn that place into my life.

因此，如果这种情况发生了，最好的做法是：第一，不要把它个人化，因为我们必须问，怎么会是你呢。

And so I would say this, if it's happened, the best thing to do is, one, not take it personally because we have to ask how could it be you.

现在，如果你能抽身出来，说一声：天哪。

Now if you can remove yourself and say, yikes.

好吧。

Okay.

我昨天给他们发了三百条消息。

I text them 300 times yesterday.

我给他们打了好多电话。

I called them a bunch.

我开始责怪他们。

I started accusing them.

很好。

Great.

如果你能有足够的自我觉察，抽身出来并理解这一点。

If you can be self aware enough to remove yourself and understand it.

但很多时候，我们必须问：你对这个情况构建了怎样的叙事故事？

But a lot of the times, we have to say, what's the story of the narrative that you've created about the situation?

因为通常真正造成伤害的是这个。

Because that's usually what's hurting more.

当然，这没那么重要。

It's less about, of course.

对吧？

Right?

但如果你认识这个人一个半月，你真的了解他们吗？还是只是你心中的一个想象？

But if you knew this person for a month and a half, do you really know anything about them, or is it the idea of them?

稀缺心态，我可能再也遇不到别人了。

The scarcity mindset, I might never meet anybody else.

他们是我遇到过最好的人。

They were the best I've met.

我从未遇到过这样的人。

I haven't met anyone like this.

所以我们已经把他们放在了一个他们并未赢得的位置上，因为如果他们真的那么出色，他们本该留下来。

So then we're already putting them in a place that they haven't earned because if they were so amazing, then they would have stuck around.

与其想‘如果’，我们更应该关注‘现实’。

And instead of thinking about what if, we have to look at what is.

现实就是，这个人没有以我需要的方式出现，这对我来说行不通。

And what is is that this person didn't show up in the ways that I need, and that doesn't work for me.

是的，我迫不及待想把这段话分享给很多人听，因为不幸的是，这似乎是现实，我完全同意你的观点，这一切都关乎那种规训——当我们喜欢上某人时，我们渴望坠入爱河，希望这份感情是真实的，希望加速发展，希望每晚都和对方在一起，因为电影里是这么演的，音乐里是这么唱的，我们一直以为这就是爱，却没意识到，你只是在削弱自己的价值，毫无保留地付出自己，甚至都不确定这个人是否配得上你，是否拥有你所看重的价值观和品格。

Yeah, I can't wait to send that to so many people to listen to because sadly it seems to be the reality and I agree with you completely that it's all about that regulation because when we like something, we want to fall in love and we want it to be real and we want to speed it up and we want to spend every night with that person because that's what the movie showed us and that's what the music talked about and that's what we believed was love, not only to realize that you are just making your access weaker, you're giving away all of yourself with not even knowing whether this person deserves it or has the values for it or has the character for it.

事后回头看，你当然能看清楚，但你还是会重蹈覆辙，因为我们所有人都太渴望被需要、被渴望、被爱了，以至于甘愿无偿付出自己的精力、存在感和身体，因为被需要的感觉实在太好了。

And you can see it in hindsight but then you go make the same mistake because we all just want to be wanted so bad, we all want to be needed so bad, we want to be loved so bad that we're willing to give away our energy, our presence, our body freely because it just feels so good to be wanted.

当然。

Of course.

谁不渴望被需要呢？

Who doesn't wanna be wanted?

但我要问的是，你希望被谁需要？是他们，还是你自己？

But here's my question, who do you wanna be wanted by, them or you?

很多时候，当我们说‘我需要他们，我需要他们’时，你内心那个小孩并不害怕他们会离开你。

More often than not, when we're, I need them, I need them, your littles aren't scared that they're gonna leave you.

你内心那个小孩害怕的是你会离开他们，因为这正是他们一直以来经历的事情。

Your littles are scared that you're gonna leave them because that's what's always happened to them.

即使对我自己而言，成长过程中，我父亲对我们非常 abusive，他绝对称不上是个好父亲。

If growing up, even for me, my experience was my father was very abusive to us, and he he was not father of the year by any means.

所以对我来说，是请回来找我。

And so for me, it was please come back for me.

请回来找我。

Please come back for me.

我并没有意识到，在我的恋爱生活中，我正在对她做我父亲对我做的事。

And I didn't realize that in my dating life, I was doing to her what my dad did to me.

我这样对她，说你对我来说并不重要。

I was doing to her and saying, you don't matter to me.

走开。

Get away.

你太过了。

You're too much.

如果我一直在责备和羞辱自己，我怎么能成长呢？

So if I'm shaming and blaming myself, how am I gonna grow?

如果我能对自己展现慈悲，我实际上就能做到。

If I show myself compassion, I can actually do that.

我理解那种被需要、被渴望的需求和渴望。

And I understand the need and desire to be wanted.

但如果我们——我妈妈又会说，你必须更爱自己，胜过渴望被他人爱的需求。

But if we, my mom again will say, if you gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people.

并不是说如果你不爱自己，我就不能爱你。

It's not that I can't love you if you don't love yourself.

这是一种谬论。

That's a fallacy.

有很多人即使你不爱自己，也依然可以爱你。

I plenty of people can love you if you don't love yourself.

但如果是我需要你在我生命中，而不是仅仅想要你在我生命中，那将会非常危险。

But if I need you in my life versus want you in my life, it's gonna be very dangerous.

当我狗狗去世时，我明白了这一点。

And I found that out when my dog passed away.

它在世时，我常拿它开玩笑。

I used to joke when he was alive.

我会想，哦，他永远不会死。

I'd be like, oh, he's never gonna die.

哦，他永远不会死。

Oh, he's never gonna die.

然后他就走了。

And then he did.

他在十天内就离世了，那是我经历过的最艰难的事，那一刻我失去了所有。

And it happened within ten days, and it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and I lost everything in that moment.

就在那时，我意识到我不能如此依赖外部事物，因为我失去了自己。

And that's when I realized I can't be so beholden to an external because I lost myself.

我当时整个人形同虚设，但就在那时，我开始了我的事业。

I was a shell of a human, but I started my career at that same time.

我向自己许下诺言：我再也不会。

And I made that promise to myself, I will never.

所以即使在现在的伴侣关系中，我也深爱着我的伴侣。

And so even in my partnership now, I love my partner.

我认为他是我见过的最了不起的人之一。

I think he is one of the most amazing people I've met.

但我也知道，如果今天我们决定无法继续下去，我会继续自己的生活。

But I also know that if today we decided it wasn't going to work, I'd move on with my life.

并不是因为我不爱他，也不是因为我觉得我们不能拥有美好的生活，而是我知道我的人生还会继续，我不能依赖别人，指望他们认可我、选择我，我才去生活。

Not because I don't love him and not because I don't think that we could have a beautiful life together, but I also know that my life goes on and I can't be holding on to somebody else hoping that they're gonna validate and choose me for me to live that life.

是的。

Mhmm.

我对你的失去深感抱歉。

I'm so sorry for your loss.

你的狗叫什么名字？

What was your dog's name?

他叫克莱姆。

His name was Clem.

我有他。

I've got him.

哎呀。

Aw.

他是我最好的朋友，也是我存在感的寄托。

He was my best friend and he was my object permanence.

他陪了我十年，见证了我每一次心碎。

He was with me for ten years and he saw every heartbreak.

他见证了所有的一切。

He saw everything.

我想归根结底，他教会我的是，有些人身上存在着无条件爱你本真的能力。

And I think at the end of the day, what he taught me was that there are things in people that can love you for who you are.

我知道我性格很鲜明。

Like, know I know I'm a big personality.

我知道我说话快，语调独特，一开口就停不下来，也知道很多人可能不习惯这样。

I know I talk fast and I have a different cadence and I come out of the bat and I know that a lot of people might not like that.

但如果我讨厌自己这一点，我又怎么能和一个欣赏这点的人相处呢？因为我总会试图去改变它。

But if I hate that about myself, how am I gonna be with someone that loves that about me because I'm constantly gonna be trying to change that.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我的狗教会了我什么是无条件的爱，以及这意味什么，他也让我明白，我不需要讨好所有人，这没关系。

And so my dog really taught me this really unconditional love and what that means, and he also taught me that I don't need to be for everybody and that's okay.

是的，说得真好，多么美好的领悟。

Yeah, well said, beautiful lessons.

我觉得现在每个人都对约会软件感到疲惫，要安排约会、纠结谁付钱、在哪里见面。

I feel like right now everyone is exhausted with dating apps, setting up dates, figuring out who's gonna pay for it, where you're gonna meet.

如果你对约会感到疲惫，但又想找到真爱，你该从哪里开始？

Where do you start if you're exhausted with dating but you wanna find love?

我认为真正重要的是，我们要看看是什么让我们感到疲惫。

I think what's really important is we have to look at what's exhausting us.

我过去总是因为约会而感到疲惫，因为我给自己施加了太多压力。

I used to get exhausted from dating because I was putting so much pressure.

我每次匹配到一个男生，就会每三秒就刷一次手机，紧张得不得了。

I was putting all, I would match with a guy and be checking my phone hype like every three seconds.

他们在哪里？

Where are they?

他们回复我了吗？

Have they answered me?

我刚才说什么来着？

Because what was I saying?

他们会让我的生活变得更好。

They're going to make my life better.

我一直在等的就是这个。

This is what I'm waiting for.

事情就是这样的。

This is what it is.

如果我又不专注于当下，我就会想那些可能的其他情况。

And if I'm again, if I'm not focused on what is right now, then I'm thinking of all of these other things it could be.

所以我会说，如果你对约会感到疲惫，那就必须在他们需要的时候停下来休息。

And so I would say, if you're tired from dating, then we have to start taking a break where they need.

这再次意味着，让我们谈谈状态、故事和策略。

And that just means again, let's talk about state, story, strategy.

如果你的状态是倦怠和精疲力尽，完全不想再继续了，那么你的故事就会是：没有人适合我。

If your state is burnout and exhaustion and you are just completely done, then your your story is gonna be, there's no one for me.

我太累了。

I'm so tired.

我永远也遇不到任何人。

I'm never gonna meet anybody.

我想赶紧结束这一切。

I want this to be done.

那么你的策略会是什么？

So what's your strategy gonna be?

你会不断地去追求错误的人。

You're gonna constantly go after the wrong people.

你会因为害怕放手而紧紧抓住那些人。

You'll hold on to people because you're scared to let them go.

我认为关键就在这里。

And I think here's the thing.

我所学到的是，人们之所以对约会感到如此疲惫，是因为他们还没有学会哀悼。

What I've learned and why people are so tired of dating is because they haven't learned to grieve.

因为当你紧紧抓住一切，却不懂得如何为事情的结束而哀悼时，你就很难继续前行，迈向下一个，再下一个。

Because when you hold on to everything and you haven't learned how to grieve the ending of things, it's going to be very difficult for you to move on and go to the next and go to the next.

因为现实是，我的伴侣总是说，想想你认识的最蠢的人，然后记住，世界上大约有49%的人比他还蠢。

Because the reality is, my partner always says, think of the stupidest person you know and remember that the population is about 49% stupider.

对吧？

Right?

就像，有很多不靠谱的人。

Like, there are a lot of duds.

外面也有很棒的人。

There's amazing people out there.

但这就是约会的本质。

But that's what dating is.

约会就是，你出去不只是在选择我，还要问自己：我是否选择你？

And dating is that you go out and you see not just are you choosing me, but do I choose you?

你是否能融入我的生活？

Do you work with my life?

但除非我学会哀悼，否则我做不到这一点。

But I can't do that unless I learn to grieve.

所以我认为，我们需要审视这种疲惫感，弄清楚它从何而来。

And so I think a lot of the fatigue we need to look at and say, where is that coming from?

然后问自己：我的选择是什么？

And then ask, what are my choices?

我必须参与其中吗？

Do I have to engage in that?

不必。

No.

我是在一个应用程序上认识我伴侣的。

I met my partner in an app.

你不必通过应用程序认识你的伴侣。

You don't have to meet your partner in an app.

但如果你的答案是‘我不想用约会软件’，你能接受当面被拒绝吗？

But if your answer is I don't wanna do dating apps, are you okay getting rejected in person?

你能走上前去对一个人说‘我喜欢那件毛衣’，而对方却回答‘我有女朋友了’吗？

Are you okay going up to someone and saying, I love that sweater, and they go, I have a girlfriend.

没关系。

No worries.

非常感谢你提出这个问题，兄弟，但也谢谢你告诉我。

Thank you so much for asking for that, my brother, but thank you for telling me.

对吧？

Right?

你必须学会接纳自己，并且真正地立足于自我。

You've got to be okay and be really grounded in yourself.

约会软件更容易，因为你是……我认为问题在于我们抱有的期望，我们必须记住，约会软件和你的手机一样，都是多巴胺成瘾循环。

Apps are easier because you're And so I think it's the expectations that we have, and we have to remember, apps are a dopamine addiction loop and so is your cell phone.

这就是为什么我非常赞同不要频繁发短信，因为当你遇到某人并开始大量发短信时，你正在制造一个多巴胺成瘾循环。

That's why I'm a big fan of don't text a lot because what happens when you meet somebody and you start texting a ton, you're creating a dopamine addiction loop.

所以你的大脑会不断想要更多、更多、更多，因为它试图达到一个基准线。

And so your brain is going, I need more, I need more, I need more because it's trying to baseline.

然后当你感到压力时，你所有的神经递质都在被消耗殆尽。

And then when you're stressed, all of your neurotransmitters are being depleted.

然后我们就到了这个地步——因为对方二十分钟没回你消息，你就变得一团糟。

And then here we are where you're a hot mess because the person didn't text you back in twenty minutes.

所以我认为，那种疲惫和倦怠感其实源于我们期待这些人能给予我们什么，以及我该如何现在就过上那样的生活，这样当我遇到某人时，我可以说，我允许你进入我的生活，因为你不会打乱我已有的一切？

And so I think the exhaustion and fatigue really comes from what are we thinking that these people are gonna give to us, and then how can I live that life now so that when I meet someone, I say, I'm allowing you in my life because you're not gonna mess with what I have?

这就是我遇到我伴侣时的情况。

And that's how it was when I met my partner.

我当时就像一具空壳。

I was a shell of a human.

我失去了克莱姆，我的公司。

I'd lost Clem, my company.

我本来应该上《鲨鱼坦克》节目的，但没成。

I was I was supposed to be in Shark Tank, and it didn't work.

那真是够折腾的。

It was a whole thing.

但我记得当时心里想，我不能再迷失自我了。

But I remember thinking in my head, I can't afford to lose myself.

所以当我遇到他时，我说，嘿。

And so when I met him, I said, hey.

我直视着他的眼睛。

I looked him in the eyes.

我实话告诉你。

I'll be honest with you.

我和我的伴侣在第一次约会时就发生了关系。

I slept with my partner on the first date.

晚餐结束后我们离开时，我直视着他的眼睛，对他说，和你在一起我真的很开心。

And I looked him in the eyes when we left after we went to dinner, and I said, I had a really great time with you.

如果这一切就是全部，那真的非常感谢你。

And if this is all it was, thank you so much.

我今晚真的很需要它。

I really need it tonight.

但如果不是，而且你还要再打给我，就别浪费我他妈的时间。

But if not and you're gonna call me again, don't waste my fucking time.

你最好打给我，因为你是有意的。

You better call me because you're intentional.

他觉得这特别有魅力。

And he was like he thought that was so sexy.

他说，天啊。

He was like, man.

他说道：你不怕失去我。

And he said it, you weren't afraid to lose me.

他说：你更害怕失去自己。

He was like, you're more afraid to lose yourself.

这使得这一切非常有魅力，因为他知道，我想要他进入我的生活，并不是为了挽留他。

And that made it very sexy because he knew that me wanting him in my life wasn't me trying to hold on to him.

我是主动选择他的。

I was choosing him.

我喜欢这种能量。

I love that energy.

这太酷了。

That's so cool.

是的。

Yeah.

这是一种不同的能量。

It's a different energy.

对。

Yeah.

而且我认为，老实说，我并不是一开始就这样的。

And that's, I think and I'll be honest, I didn't wake up like this.

我以前之所以投身事业，是因为我太焦虑了，根本坐不住。

I used to be so I created my career because I was so anxious I couldn't sit still.

我会说，天哪，杰伊。

I would oh my god, Jay.

你根本不想知道。

You don't even wanna know.

在我最风光的时候，我会给一个男生发消息，比如：嘿。

In my heyday, I would text a guy and say like, would text him, hey.

想出来玩吗？

Do wanna hang out?

二十分钟过去了。

20 would go by it.

我背后会想，好吧。

In your back, I'd be like, okay.

看来是不想了。

Guess not.

然后我会收到他的短信，说：嘿。

And then I'd get a text from him be like, hey.

我其实本来想和你出去玩，但现在不想了。

I actually did wanna hang out with you, but not anymore.

这就对了。

And it's like, they're right.

太棒了。

That's so good.

因为他们能察觉到我需要你。

Because they could pick up on I need you.

刚认识一个人时，没人想有这种感觉。

And nobody wants to feel that when you just met somebody.

是的。

Yeah.

这是一种非常令人不知所措的感觉。

It's a very overwhelming feeling.

是的。

Yeah.

我不在乎你的依恋风格是什么。

I don't care what your attachment style is.

是的。

Yeah.

但我觉得这就是挑战，对吧？我们害怕做自己，因为现在的自己就是这样。

But I think that's the challenge, right, that we are scared of being ourselves because ourselves is that right now.

我们本能的反应是给对方发消息，嘿，想出来聚一聚吗？

Where our natural gut reaction is to message someone, hey do want to hang out?

嘿，你确定不想出来聚一聚吗？

Hey are you sure you don't want to hang out?

就像你知道的，我们就是这样的人，因为我们来自一种不安全感，缺乏安全感，正如你之前所说，源于过去的创伤。

Like you know, and that's who we are because we are coming from a place of insecurity and not feeling safe, as you said earlier, from our past wounds.

所以做自己也帮不了忙，因为做自己，于是我们就压抑了真实的自己。

And so being ourself doesn't help either because being, and so then we block being ourselves.

所以我们说，哦，我知道了，我要成熟一点。

So we say, oh you know what, I'm gonna be mature.

我要发一条消息，然后等着。

I'm gonna send one message and I'm gonna wait.

但真正的你，却因为想再发一条消息而感到焦虑。

But the real you is stressing over the fact that you want to send another message.

那么，你该如何在这两个世界之间生存：一方面想成为更成熟、情绪更智慧的自己，另一方面却困在 insecure、困惑和混乱中？

And so how do you live between those two worlds between wanting to become your higher more evolved emotionally intelligent self but really you're stuck being insecure, confused, and chaotic?

所以，不，我唯一要质疑你的是，谁跟你说过这样的话？

So that's no, the only thing I'll challenge you on is who says that to you are?

谁说过这样的话？

Who says that?

谁说那就是真实的你？

Who says that's who you are.

对吧？

Right?

我的意思是，不是你内心真正的样子，不是。

I mean, not who you are at the core No.

而是你现在的样子。

But who you are right now.

那是你的基础水平。

That's your base level.

是的。

Yeah.

完全对。

Totally.

那我会回头问自己：我从哪里学到这种想法的？

Then I would go back and say, where did I learn that from?

因为如果我们从匮乏出发去恋爱，从我不安全、我不相信自己出发，那就很难让人以你应得的方式爱你，因为现实是，你知道的，你已经结婚了，你的伴侣一定会触发你。

Because I if we're if we're gonna date from lack and we're gonna date from I'm insecure, I don't believe in myself, it's it's going to be really difficult to let someone love you in the ways that you deserve because the reality is, and you know this, you're married, your partner is going to trigger you.

你一定会被触发。

You are going to be triggered.

你的伴侣会惹你生气。

Your partner is going to piss you off.

他们会说一些话，让你心想：‘天啊，又来了。’

They're going say things and you're like, oh, no.

但你不会那样做，因为你在乎这个人，你爱他们。

But you don't because you care about this person and you love them.

但作为一个人，你总会被触发情绪。

But part of being a human is you're going to get triggered.

所以我认为，当我看到很多人有这种不安全感时，我会问：‘这就是你吗？’

And so I think what I see, especially with a lot of people when we have that insecurity, is for me I would say, okay, is that who you are?

这是你被灌输的观念吗？

Is that what you were taught?

因为如果那是我学到的，那就意味着我真实的样子是充满光明的、充满热情的、充满活力的、外向的、个性鲜明的。

Because if that's what I was taught, then that means that who I authentically am, I authentically am someone who has a lot of light, who's excited, who's passionate, who's gregarious, who's vivacious, who's a big personality.

我不 insecure。

I'm not insecure.

我不是那些特质，但我确实认同自己是那样的，我认为这非常人性化。

I'm not those things, but I do identify as that, and I think that's very human.

所以我会说，我们首先应该关注的是，如果一个人处于如此匮乏的状态，我绝不会建议他们去约会。

So I would say what we wanna start to do is look at, I would never suggest somebody date if they're in such a place of lack.

我不会的。

I would not.

这和任何其他事情都一样。

It's the same as anything else.

比如，我不会建议一个从没离开过沙发的人去跑马拉松。

Like, I wouldn't suggest somebody go and run a marathon if they've never gotten off the couch.

我们需要循序渐进，因为像新年决心这样的目标，你的神经系统会说：我做不到。

It's like we want to move in steps because like New Year's resolutions, your nervous system is going to go, I can't do this.

太让人不知所措了。

Way too overwhelming.

我们要采取更小的、易于消化的步骤。

We want to go smaller and have bite sized steps.

也许这意味着，如果你想要成为那个只发一条信息的真正成熟的人，而你目前却一团糟，那也许我们可以先从一分钟开始。

Maybe that means that if you want to be the really evolved person that only sends one text and you are hell in a handbasket, then maybe that means that we put one minute.

一分钟。

One minute.

因为我们试图做的，是把刺激和反应之间的反应空间拉开。

Because what we're trying to do is we're trying to take the stimulus and put space between reaction and response.

所以，也许这就是关键。

And so maybe that's it.

有一天，你可以说：好吧，我等了一分钟，然后才发了信息。

For one day, you say, okay, I I waited the minute and then I sent the text.

但第二天，也许你等了两分钟，或者三分钟。

But then the next day, maybe it's you waited two minutes, you waited three minutes.

我们需要思考的是：我的选择是什么？

What we have to look at is, what are my choices?

当然，我们也可以继续以那些方式出现。

Sure, we can keep showing up in those ways.

或者我们可以这么说，等等，我需要调节我的神经系统。

Or we can say, wait a minute, I need to regulate my nervous system.

我需要打破这个循环。

I need to break this loop.

我需要去散个步。

I need to go for a walk.

我需要让自己回到一个能够做出选择的状态。

I need to get myself back into a place where I can access choice.

然后我才能决定是否要给这个人发短信。

Then I can decide if I want to text this person.

我们可以拥有所有这些工具。

We can have all those tools.

但接着我们必须审视一下：我是否在认同某种东西？

But then we have to look and say, but am I identifying with something?

对吧？

Right?

我敢肯定你经常听到这种话。

I'm sure you hear this all the time.

我有焦虑型依恋。

I am anxious attachment.

不，不，不。

No, no, no.

你不是那样。

You're not that.

你拥有那种倾向。

You have that.

我不是多动症。

I am not ADHD.

我有ADHD。

I have ADHD.

如果我自我认同并完全认同这些部分，我就很难再以其他方式看待自己。

If I self identify and I fuse with the parts, it's going to be very difficult for me to see myself in any other light.

所以我认为，如果我们有不安全感，那是因为我们都是人。

And so I think if we have insecurities we're all human.

我确实如此。

I do.

我觉得每天都有哪里不对劲，因为我是一个人。

I think every day there's something wrong with me because I'm a person.

但我会停下来问自己：我内心那个小孩需要听到什么？

But what I do is I then stop and say, what did my little need to hear?

当小萨布丽娜说‘这一定就是我有问题的原因’时，她需要听到什么？

What did little Sabrina need to hear when she said, oh, this must be why there's something wrong with me?

她需要有人过来对她说：不。

She needed someone to come and say, no.

这和他们毫无关系。

That has nothing to do with them.

我觉得你非常棒。

I think you're amazing.

我觉得你真的很酷，我想听听你的想法。

I think you're really cool, and I'd like to hear what you want.

因为我们需要以一种我们当初没有被对待的方式去提供支持。

Because we haven't we have to hold the space in a way that we weren't held when we were there.

只有这样，我们才能开始在不安中成长，从更稳定的状态出发。

That's how we'll start to be able to build through the insecurities, date from a more regulated space.

但如果没有这一点，我们就是在猪身上涂脂抹粉。

But without that, we're putting makeup on a pig.

对吧？

Right?

他们会觉得，哦，发这条信息给他就能解决问题。

They're like, oh, send him this text to get this.

可实际上，我收到过不恰当的照片。

It's like, I've gotten inappropriate photos.

这根本行不通。

It does not work.

你知道的。

You know?

比如，我也经历过不少这样的情况，我心里想：这可不是我预期的，因为你无法操控和控制别人，你只能控制自己。

Like, I've gotten my fair share where I'm like, that's not what I expected because you can't manipulate and control other people, you can only control yourself.

是的，我不喜欢这个建议。

Yeah, I don't love that advice.

我觉得这不管用。

I don't think it works.

确实不管用。

It doesn't.

而且这变得像游戏一样，这不是真实的你，而是一种技巧和策略，最终就像商业和项目中的策略一样，而不是为人际关系服务的。当你面对人的时候，你希望的是真实、做自己，与对方建立真正的连接，而不是用一个完美的AI脚本来发送你完美的短信。

And it's just gamified and it's not you and it's a technique and it's a strategy that ends up, you know, it's like strategies of like business and projects, not for people and you know, when it comes to people you wanna be able to be authentic, be yourself and connect with someone on a real perspective rather than having some perfect AI script out your perfect text message.

我们见过一些个人资料，我一看就知道是ChatGPT写的。

We've gotten a few profiles where I look and I'm like, that was ChatGPT that wrote it.

对。

Yeah.

我曾经有一个客户，我和他聊天时会说，如果对方这样回应怎么办？

And I actually had a client once and he I would talk to him and I was saying, you know, what if they said this?

他就会照着写，一字不差地照搬。

And he was writing it and taking the exact.

所以他的个人资料看起来非常有深度。

So he had all this depth on his profile.

但他却说：我不明白。

Then And he would say, don't understand.

为什么我得不到回应？为什么这些女生都不愿意和我见面？

Why am I not getting why are these girls not wanting to meet me?

我说：我能看看匹配记录吗？

I said, can I see the match?

我是说，我能看看你们的聊天记录吗？

Like, can I see the conversations?

嘿。

Hey.

你看起来很漂亮。

You look pretty.

然后有一个女孩甚至说，但你的个人资料这么深入。

And then one girl even said, but your profile was so deep.

这是什么？

What is this?

是的。

Yeah.

我当时就想，你能假装多久呢？你打算假装多久？

And I was like, you can't pretend for how long are you gonna pretend for?

是的。

Yeah.

这会让人非常疲惫。

That's gonna be really exhausting.

这会让你精疲力尽，而不是你没错。

That's gonna lead you to burnout versus you're right.

人们不会喜欢我，但这没关系，因为我妈妈一直说，你不可能让所有人一直满意，你必须接受自己可能会让某些人失望的事实。

People aren't gonna like me, and that's okay because I have to be my mama has always said, you can please some of the people all the time, but you can't please all the people all the time, and you've gotta be okay to disappoint people with who you are.

我是鲍文·杨。

I'm Bowen Yang.

我是马特·罗杰斯。

And I'm Matt Rogers.

在本季《两个家伙，五个戒指》播客中，随着2026年米兰-科尔蒂纳冬奥会的临近，我们邀请了一些朋友加入。

During this season of the two guys, five rings podcast in the lead up to the Milan Cortina twenty twenty six Winter Olympic Games, we've been joined by some of our friends.

你好，福特。

Hi, Ford.

你好，

Hi,

马特。

Matt.

嘿，艾尔莫。

Hey, Elmo.

嘿，马特。

Hey, Matt.

嘿，鲍恩。

Hey, Bowen.

你好，饼干。

Hi, Cookie.

你好。

Hi.

现在冬季奥运会正在进行，我们在意大利。

Now the Winter Olympic Games are underway, and we are in Italy

为我们的心声传递到你的耳中。

to give you experiences from our hearts to your ears.

请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《两个家伙五环》。

Listen to two guys five rings on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

你好。

Hi.

我是医生。

I'm Doctor.

普里扬卡·瓦利。

Priyanka Wally.

我是哈里·昆达博格卢。

And I'm Hari Kundaboglu.

新的一年到了，在播客《健康那些事》中，我们重新思考如何谈论我们的健康。

It's a new year, and on the podcast Health Stuff, we're resetting the way we talk about our health.

这意味着坦诚面对我们所知道的、不知道的，以及这一切可能有多混乱。

Which means being honest about what we know, what we don't know, and how messy it can all be.

我喜欢晚睡晚起。

I like to sleep in late and sleep early.

有这样的生物钟类型吗，还是我只是抑郁了？

Is there a chronotype for that, or am I just depressed?

我们会采访专家，分享真实的经验和见解。

We talk to experts who share real experiences and insight.

你真正需要找到自己生活中能够产生影响的地方，然后就开始去做。

You just really need to find where it is that you can have an impact in your own life and just start doing that.

我们会拆解你想要深入了解的话题

We break down the topics you want to know more

。

about.

睡眠、压力、心理健康，以及周围世界如何影响我们的整体健康。

Sleep, stress, mental health, and how the world around us affects our overall health.

我们会探讨各种保持身心内外健康的方法。

We talk about all the ways to keep your body and mind inside and out healthy.

我们人类，都需要连接。

We human beings, all connection.

我们只是想彼此建立联系。

We just wanna connect with each other.

《健康那些事》关乎学习、欢笑，以及感到不那么孤单。

Health stuff is about learning, laughing, and feeling a little less alone.

在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你常用的任何播客平台收听。

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

嘿，你好。

Hey there.

我是医生。

This is Doctor.

杰西·米尔斯博士，加州大学洛杉矶分校健康中心男性诊所主任，也是《邮件室》播客的主持人。

Jesse Mills, Director of the Men's Clinic at UCLA Health and host of the Mailroom Podcast.

每年一月，各地的男性都会立下同样的新年决心。

Each January, guys everywhere make the same resolutions.

变得更强大，更努力工作，修复那些破损的东西。

Get stronger, work harder, fix what's broken.

但如果真正的努力根本不是身体上的呢？

But what if the real work isn't physical at all?

为了迎接新的一年，我与医生坐下来进行了交谈。

To kick off the new year, I sat down with Doctor.

史蒂夫·波尔特是一位心理学家，拥有三十多年帮助男性化解羞耻、焦虑和情感痛苦的经验，而这些情绪他们从未被教导过如何命名。

Steve Poulter, a psychologist with over thirty years experience helping men unpack shame, anxiety, and emotional pain they were never taught to name.

在这场深入的两部分对话中，我们探讨了为什么男性并非情感上坚不可摧，为什么羞耻感往往藏在明处，以及真正的力量源于倾听自己和他人。

In a powerful two part conversation, we discussed why men aren't emotionally bulletproof, why shame hides in plain sight, and how real strength comes from listening to yourself and to others.

那些有毒的男性，往往不成熟，或者内心有一些未解决的问题。

Guys who are toxic, they're immature, or they've got something they just haven't resolved.

一旦这些问题得到解决，同理心和同情心就会随之而来。

Once that gets resolved, then there comes empathy and some compassion.

如果你希望今年不再硬撑着忍受痛苦，而是开始理解痛苦背后的真正原因，请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你常用的播客平台收听《Mailroom》。

If you want this to be the year you stop powering through pain and start understanding what's underneath, listen to The Mailroom on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.

你提到在约会中建立基础。

You talk about setting a foundation in dating.

我想听听这方面的观点，因为我觉得人们在约会时，几乎都默认：好吧，这个人回复了我消息，我们现在开始聊天了，接下来要约出来见面，也许还有其他人。

I want to hear about that because I think when people are dating, we almost see it as just like, okay, well this person messaged me back, I'm now talking to them, now we're gonna go on a date, maybe this other person.

我认为我们没有一套系统，没有一个基础，也不曾建立并坚持那些不可妥协的准则来指引我们前行。

I don't think we have a system, I don't think we have a foundation, I don't believe we have non negotiables that we create and craft to keep us on track.

你认为约会的基石是什么？有哪些不可协商的原则能让我们更有效地体验约会？

What would you say are the foundations of dating and what are the non negotiables that allow us to make that experience more effective for us?

对我来说，我首要的不可协商原则是对方必须与前任彻底了断。

For me, my number one non negotiable was you have to be done with your ex.

比如我真是听够了那种话，哦，我的前任想复合。

Like I am so tired of hearing, oh, my ex wants to get back together.

我还没放下我的前任。

I'm not over my ex.

那么，如果你觉得自己无法全身心投入与另一个人相处，就请不要重新进入约会世界。

It's like then please don't get back into the dating world if you don't feel like you can be present with somebody else.

你仍然可能感到受伤，这没关系，但那样的话就请不要重新开始约会。

It's okay that you might still be hurting, but then please don't go back out there.

对我来说，我想看看你是否具备成长型思维。

I think for me, I want to see, are you growth minded?

我的伴侣总是会问问题，他问过的一个问题是：你最近改变了什么想法，是什么促使了这个改变？

My partner always asked questions, and the one question he asked was, what is something you changed your mind about recently and what prompted the change?

我想看看，你是不是很固执？

I wanna see, are you rigid?

你够灵活吗？

Are you flexible?

对吧？

Right?

我们开始要理解这一点。

We wanna start to understand that.

当我拒绝时，会发生什么？

What happens when I say no?

当我设定界限时，会发生什么？

What happens when I set a boundary?

他们是怎么对待服务员的？

How do they treat waiters?

我想看到一个人情绪失控时的样子，因为那时我想知道，你是不是只是因为服务员没在你想要的时间把车开过来，就对他大吼大叫？

I wanna see somebody when they're dysregulated because then I wanna see, did you just yell at that person because he didn't get your car at the time that you wanted?

不用了，谢谢。

No, thank you.

我对这个毫无兴趣。

I have no interest in this.

所以我们首先想观察的是。

And so what we're trying to look and see is that, first of all.

这个人是否善待他人？

It's like, does this person treat other people well?

我在这里能感到舒适吗？

Is it somewhere where I can feel comfortable?

他们是否使用‘我’开头的表达？

Are they using I statements?

还是说他们总是说：你从不给我打电话。

Or are they saying, You never call me.

你从不这么做。

You never do this.

好的。

Okay.

所以我们用了‘总是’和‘从不’这样的词。

So we're using all and never.

这些词其实并不公平。

Those are not really fair terms.

但我认为，当我们谈论一段稳固的关系基础时，慢下来就显得很重要了。

But I think when we're talking about a solid foundation, that's where going slow comes into play.

因为我们每次见面都把它当作第一次约会，只是为了看看我是否想有第二次。

Because what we're doing is we're saying every single time I see you, it's, First date, just to see if I wanna have a second.

第二次，也只是为了看看我是否想有第三次。

Second, just to see if I wanna have a third.

但很多时候，我们第一次约会后就会说：‘白马王子出现了。’

But oftentimes, we go on a first date and say, Prince Charming.

问题是，迪士尼骗了我们，因为它告诉我们故事以‘从此幸福地生活在一起’结束了。

And the thing is Disney lied to us because Disney told us what happened happily ever after.

他们没告诉我们，爱丽儿王子有酗酒问题吗？

They didn't tell us, did Prince Eric have a drinking problem?

对吧？

Right?

比如，美女与野兽里的贝儿，她之后就没再出过门吗？

Like, did did Beauty and the Bee did Belle not get out of the house again?

她有没有在应对这些问题？

Was she was she dealing with that?

我们不知道婚后会发生什么。

We don't know what comes after it.

我们只看到‘从此幸福地生活在一起’。

We just see happily ever after.

所以我们真正要探讨的是，对你来说，那会是什么样子？

And so what we're really looking for is, well, what does that look like to you?

我觉得对我而言，我当时太专注于‘如果你喜欢我，我就喜欢自己’。

And I think for me, I was so focused on, but if you like me, I like me.

与其说不。

Instead of saying, no.

我实际上并不喜欢那样，而是选择坦诚地说：我不喜欢这样。

I actually don't enjoy that and holding the space to say, I don't like that.

如果你也不喜欢，那也没关系。

And if you don't either, that's okay.

但我认为，真正的基础在于你能拥有一个可以信任的空间，这包括那些艰难的对话。

But I think the solid foundation comes when you can have a space where you can trust, and that includes hard conversations.

因为我觉得很多人——我相信你肯定也听过类似的话——我每天都听到：我不想表现得太过了。

Because I think a lot of people, and I'm sure I'm curious if you hear this as well, I hear it every day of I don't want to be too much.

我不想把他们推远。

I don't want to push them away.

如果我这么问，他们会认为我太粘人了。

If I ask that, they're going to think I'm too much.

那很好。

Then good.

去找更少的。

Go find less.

如果你觉得我太多了，我建议你去找更少的，因为这并不能说明我太多了。

If you think I'm too much, I'd encourage you to go find less because that doesn't make me too much.

这意味着我想看看你是否适合我。

What that means is that I wanna see if you are okay for me.

所以我特别强调，如果有人说了让你不舒服的话，嘿。

And that's why I'm big on, if somebody says something that hurts you, hey.

我可以跟你分享一些事情吗？

Can I share something with you?

怎么了？

What's going on?

我真的很不喜欢你那样说。

I really didn't love the way you said that.

那让我觉得自己很渺小。

It really made me feel small.

我感觉被忽视了，而且不被认可。

I felt very dismissed and discredited.

今后，我们能不能换种方式表达？

Moving forward, can we have a different way of saying it?

如果你的伴侣是这样，当然可以。

If your partner is, absolutely.

非常感谢你告诉我。

Thank you so much for telling me.

很好。

Great.

继续前进。

Move on.

你经过起点。

Go into you passed go.

领取200美元。

Collect $200.

但如果你连破裂、调节和修复都无法做到，你就无法再与这些人继续走下去。

But if you can't even have the rupture, the regulate, and then the repair, you're not gonna be able to move forward with these people.

所以从一开始，这就是为什么我在第一次约会后就告诉了我的伴侣。

And so I think from the beginning, that's why I told my partner that after first date.

我本可以离开，装作若无其事。

I could have left and gone play it cool.

天哪。

Oh my god.

什么也别说。

Don't say anything.

我有什么可失去的呢？

What did I have to lose?

我伤害了自己，而那代价实在太高了。

I hit myself, and that was way too high of a price.

所以我非常支持不要过度倾诉创伤。

And so I'm a big fan of don't trauma dump.

天啊，千万别在第一次约会时倾诉创伤。

God, please don't trauma dump on a first date.

求求你了，我们真没必要一上来就聊你小时候你爸怎么打你。

Please, please, we don't need to start talking about like how your father hit you when you were a kid.

你的约会对象不需要知道这些。

Your date does not need to know that.

我们必须清楚，我们并不了解这些人，也不知道他们可能会把什么信息藏在心里，回头用来对付我们。

We have to be really cognizant that we don't know who these people are and we don't know what information they could take and put in their back pocket and use against us.

信任是条件性的。

Trust is conditional.

我会先给你一点。

I give you a little.

我看你怎么用它。

I see what you do with it.

然后我才再给你更多。

I give you more.

是的，当然。

Yeah, absolutely.

这就是我希望人们建立的基础：我相信自己，因为无论发生什么，我都会支持自己。

That's the foundation I want people to build, which is I trust myself because no matter what, have my back.

如果你做不到，也没关系。

And if you don't, that's okay.

我会。

I do.

因为我愿意发声。

Because I'll speak.

我的声音现在必须被听见，而它曾经从未被听见。

My voice now needs to be heard, and it never was.

我认为这也是基础的一部分：让我的不可妥协之事意味着我不再自我设限。

And I think that's part of the foundations, is having your non negotiables mean I'm not playing small anymore.

这并不意味着我需要过度反应，但我不会再自我压抑。

This doesn't mean I need to overreact, but I'm not gonna play small.

萨布丽娜，听你谈到这些时，我发现你最出色的能力之一就是为自己发声。

One of your greatest skills Sabrina, as I'm hearing you talk about this, is your ability to advocate for yourself.

你正在鼓励人们去为自己、自己的信念、想法和价值观发声，这正是你所倡导的。

And that's what you're encouraging people to do is to actually advocate for yourself, your beliefs, your thoughts, your values.

我认为这是一种很少有人具备或接受过训练的技能，因为生活中根本没有地方教你如何为自己发声。

And I think that's a skill that no one really has or is trained in, in that there's nowhere in life that teaches you to advocate for yourself.

比如学校从未教过你这一点，父母也很少告诉你，小时候你只是简单地提出要求，而不是在真正地为自己发声，对吧？

Like school never taught you that, your parents rarely tell you that and when you're young you just ask for stuff, you're not advocating, right?

你只是说，‘圣诞节想要这个’或者‘我想要那个’，但你并没有真正地为自己辩护，没有提出论点或分享价值观，因为你一直被这样对待，而在工作中我们更难做到这一点。

You're like saying, oh, want this for Christmas or I want this for whatever, but you're not advocating, like you're not presenting an argument or sharing a value because you've been treated a certain way And we struggle to do it at work.

人们在与同事、上司、经理等人相处时，都很难做到为自己发声。

People struggle to do it with their colleagues, their bosses, their managers, everyone.

所以听你这么说，我觉得为自己发声是一项最重要的技能。

So as I'm listening to you I'm like, okay, advocating for ourselves is one of the biggest skills.

我记得以前聊过关于约会的基础，就是要清晰表达并为自己发声。

And I remember talking about foundations for dating or being clear and advocating.

我记得我和莱利刚开始约会时，我跟她说的第一件事就是：我不是那种周末想去电影院，然后再去家具店的人，那根本不是我的风格。

I remember when me and Riley first started dating, one of the first things I said to her was I was like, I'm not the kind of guy that wants to go to the cinema on the weekend and then go to a furniture store and then like that's just not who I am.

我是一个有目标的人，这就是我周末的安排，这就是我的优先事项。

And I'm the kind of guy who has a purpose and this is what I do on my weekends and this is my priority.

我只是想让你知道，这并不是因为我认为你的事情不重要，而是这就是我真实的模样。

And I just want you to know that that's not because I think this is less than, this is just who I am.

我想让她清楚地了解她将要投入的是什么样的关系——比如，当有家庭活动和我的活动冲突时，我当时在伦敦每周参加五个活动。

And I just wanted her to be clear on what she was getting involved in where I was like, hey, if there's a clash between something that's a family event of yours or me and at the time I was doing like five person events in London.

我当时就跟她说，如果我有活动，我一定会优先参加我的活动，因为这是我周末的核心，对我来说非常重要。

I was like, if I've got an event, I'm always gonna prioritize my event because I'm doing that on my weekends and it's really big for me.

但如果你特别希望我参加某个活动，那我们可以沟通，不过更可能的是，我会坚持争取去参加我的活动。

But if it's something that you really want me to come to then it's a conversation but more likely than not I'm gonna advocate for wanting to go to this thing.

我这么做并不是为了显得傲慢、自以为是，或者觉得自己高人一等。

And I did that not to be douchey or to be self righteous or to be better.

我这么做，只是因为这就是我真实的性格。

I did it because that's just who I am.

幸运的是，当时拉迪会说：是的，我完全理解，顺便说一句，如果你希望我参加那个活动，而我这边也有安排，我大概还是会去参加这个，因为尽管我很想支持你，但这对我来说是优先事项。

And luckily Radhi at the time would be like, yeah, totally get that and by the way, if you want me to be at that and I have this, I'm probably gonna go to this because as much as I wanna support you, this is a priority for me.

直到现在，我们的关系一直保持着这种方式。

And our relationship has continued to be that way up until this point.

对我来说，我认为这正是一个巨大的优势：我能为自己发声，而她也能为自己争取。

And to me I've just seen it as a great strength that I was able to advocate and she was able to advocate for herself.

如果我没有为自己发声，我想我们常常做的是，试图为对方应该怎么做而发声。

Now had I not advocated for myself and I think often what we do is we try to advocate for what the other person should do.

所以，嘿，当我这么做时，你能来陪我吗？

So, hey, when I do this, can you come and join me?

而不是说：这对我来说是优先事项，我会把它当作自己的优先事项。

Rather than like this is a priority for me and I'm gonna make it a priority for myself.

教会我们为自己发声的技巧，因为大多数人只是想顺其自然，因为我们不想显得太过分或疯狂。

Teach us the skill of advocating for ourselves because most of us just wanna let it go because we don't wanna be too much enough or crazy.

我认为这源于一个非常清晰的记忆。

I think where it started from is a memory that comes very vividly.

小时候，我爸爸就像我提到过的那样，有时并不友善。

When I was a kid, my dad, like I had mentioned, was not a very kind man at times.

我和妹妹吵了一架，然后跑进了自己的房间。

And my sister and I got into a fight and I ran into my room.

我记得他说：开门。

And I remember he said, open the door.

我向你保证，我不会打你。

I promise you I'm not going to hit you.

我说：不，你会的。

And I said, no, you are.

我记得我有一个小行李箱。

And I remember I had a little suitcase.

我之所以知道这一点，是因为我后来不得不回去见她。

And I only know this because I had to go back and see her.

我不断问自己：我是在哪里学会不敢发声的？

And I kept asking myself, where did I learn that I couldn't speak up?