今年如何爱上一个人却不失去自我（5条规则避免陷入错误的关系）

这是《我心》播客，保证真人实录。

This is a I Heart podcast, Guaranteed Human.

嗨，我是医生。

Hi, I'm Doctor.

普里扬卡·瓦利。

Priyanka Wally.

我是哈里昆达博卢。

And I'm Harikundabolu.

新的一年到了，在《健康那些事》播客中，我们重新思考如何谈论我们的健康。

It's a new year and on the podcast Health Stuff, we're resetting the way we talk about our health.

这意味着坦诚面对我们所知道的、不知道的，以及这一切可能有多么混乱。

Which means being honest about what we know, what we don't know, and how messy it can all be.

我喜欢晚睡晚起。

I like to sleep in late and sleep early.

有这样的生物钟类型吗，还是我只是抑郁了？

Is there a chronotype for that, or am I just depressed?

《健康那些事》是关于学习、欢笑，以及感到不那么孤单。

Health stuff is about learning, laughing, and feeling a little less alone.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听。

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这是医生。

This is Doctor.

杰西·米尔斯，《邮局》播客的主持人。

Jesse Mills, host of The Mailroom podcast.

每年一月，男性都会承诺变得更强壮、更努力工作，并修复那些破损的东西。

Each January, men promise to get stronger, work harder, and fix what's broken.

但如果真正的努力根本不是身体上的呢？

But what if the real work isn't physical at all?

我与心理学家史蒂夫·波尔特医生坐下来，探讨羞耻、焦虑以及男性从未被教会如何命名的情感痛苦。

I sat down with psychologist doctor Steve Poulter to unpack shame, anxiety, and the emotional pain men were never taught how to name.

在绝望谷地的中途，你会意识到这一切已经发生，你必须做出选择：是继续留在这里，还是继续前行。

Part of the way through the valley of despair is realizing this has happened, and you have to make a choice whether you're gonna stay in it or move forward.

我们的两部分对话现已上线。

Our two part conversation is available now.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple Podcasts或您收听播客的任何平台收听《The Mail Room》。

Listen to The Mail Room on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.

我见过许多优秀的人，他们因兴奋、绝望或急躁而在爱情中做出错误的决定。

I've seen so many good people who are excited, desperate, or impatient make bad decisions in love.

以下是避免成为其中一员的方法。

Here's how not to be one of them.

要知道，坠入爱河可能是世界上最美好的体验之一，但也可能是人们逐渐消失的地方。

See, falling in love can be one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, but it can also be the place where people disappear.

不是身体上的消失，而是情感上、心理上、身份认同上的消失。

Not physically, but emotionally, mentally, identity wise.

我们都见过这种情况，对吧？

We've all seen it, right?

当一个人遇到让他兴奋的人时，他的世界会慢慢变小。

Someone meets a person they are excited about, and slowly their world becomes smaller.

他们的朋友见得越来越少了，目标变得模糊，日常生活支离破碎，自我认同开始与对方融合，直到分不清哪里是自己，哪里是关系。

Their friends see them less, their goals get blurry, their routines fall apart, their sense of self starts to merge into the other person until they can't recognize where they end and where the relationship begins.

我们中有太多人会在关系中消融自我。

So many of us dissolve into our relationships.

最令人震惊的一件事是，当我们以为找到了对的人时，却有那么多人会推开对方。

One of the most shocking things is how many people will push away when we think we found our person.

你真正对的人不会让你推开他们，而你也不会，因为你不会为了别人放弃自己的生活。

Your person won't let you push them away And you won't because you won't leave your life for someone else.

因为爱从来不是为了抹去你。

Because love was never meant to erase you.

爱是为了让你更清晰地显现出来。

Love was meant to reveal you.

所以今天，我想教你如何坠入爱河，或深化一段感情，同时不失去你这一生中最重要的关系。

So today I want to show you how to fall in love or deepen love without losing the most important relationship you'll ever have.

那就是与自己的关系。

The one with yourself.

本期节目适合那些今年希望建立一段关系，或希望在不失去独立性、自我认同或内在指引的前提下巩固现有关系的人。

This episode is for people who want a relationship this year or want to strengthen the one they're in without losing their independence or identity or inner compass.

在接下来的三十分钟里，你将明白如何建立一种让人感到支持而非牺牲的关系。

By the end of these thirty minutes, you will understand how to build a relationship that feels like support not sacrifice.

是契合，而非抛弃。

Alignment not abandonment.

是成长，而非消失。

Growth not disappearance.

让我们开始吧。

Let's get into it.

那么，为什么我们在爱情中会失去自我呢？

So why do we lose ourselves in love?

心理学家称之为自我扩展理论。

Psychologists call it self expansion theory.

这个理论认为，我们会与所爱的人融合，以成长并拓展自己的身份。

The idea that we merge with someone we love to grow and expand our identity.

这才是健康的。

Now that's healthy.

不健康的是，扩张变成了抹除。

What's not healthy is when expansion becomes erasure.

通常会发生以下情况。

Here is what often happens.

我们在爱情中犯的最大错误，是把被选择误认为是被保护。

The biggest mistake we make in love is we confuse being chosen with being safe.

我们把强烈的情感误认为是亲密。

We confuse intensity with intimacy.

我们把心动误认为是相配。

We confuse butterflies with compatibility.

我们把在一起误认为是共同成长。

We confuse staying together with growing together.

我们把对方需要我们误认为是对方重视我们。

We confuse someone needing us with someone valuing us.

让我给你一个现实生活中的例子。

Let me give you a real life example.

我曾经辅导过一个人，每当她进入一段关系时，就会慢慢放弃那些让她成为自己的部分。

I once coached someone who whenever she entered a relationship would slowly give up the parts of her life that made her her.

她先放弃了爱好，然后不再见朋友，调整了目标，接着是日程，最后是标准。

She stopped her hobbies first, then she stopped seeing friends, she adjusted her goals, then her schedule, then her standards.

当我问她为什么时，她说：我不想失去他们。

When I asked why, she said, I didn't want to lose them.

但这个讽刺令人心碎。

But the irony was heartbreaking.

她为了留住别人，却正在失去自己。

She was losing herself to keep someone else.

研究结果非常明确。

And the research is clear.

在关系中失去自我认同的人，会经历更多的焦虑、更多的冲突和更多的不安全感。

People who lose their identity in relationships experience more anxiety, more conflict, and more insecurity.

你知道为什么吗？

You know why?

因为当你把自己的身份完全融入他人时，一旦他们离开，你就不再知道什么能让你保持稳定。

Because when you collapse your identity into someone else, you no longer know what keeps you steady when they pull away.

当依赖取代了伴侣关系，当恐惧取代了爱，当希望取代了习惯，你就知道是时候离开了。所以，我们的第一条原则是：爱应该带来更多快乐，而不是夺走更多快乐。

You know it's time to leave when dependency replaces partnership, when fear replaces love, When hope replaces habits So here is our first principle: Love should bring more joy in rather than take more joy out.

爱应该让你有机会成为更完整的自己，而不是更少的自己。

Love should give you the opportunity to be more of you, not less of you.

爱应该是让你充分表达自我的大门，而不是隐藏自我的一部分。

Love should be the doorway to express yourself fully, not hide parts of yourself.

如果你发现自己正在失去自我，那其实是你在对自己这样做。

If you find yourself losing yourself, it's you doing it to yourself.

我们常常说‘是你让我这么做的’。

We often say you made me do that.

但如果你有觉察，如果有人在操纵你、引导你走向这个方向，不要轻易放手。

But if you're aware, if someone is manipulating you, is shifting you in that direction, don't just let go.

一开始为对方放弃你所爱的一切，感觉很好，但后来你才会明白，如果他们真的爱你，你又何必这样做呢？

It feels good at the start to give up everything you love for what they love only to realize that if they loved you, why would you do that?

所以在进入一段关系之前，明确自己的优先事项非常重要。

So it's so important to know our priorities before we get into a relationship.

如果你正处于一段关系中，也要确保你清楚这些优先事项是什么。

If you're in a relationship, make sure you know what those priorities are too.

所以记住，让你的生活保持广阔。

So remember, keep your life big.

长期关系成功最重要的预测因素之一，就是你在关系之外的生活是否充实。

One of the biggest predictors of long term relationship success is how full your life is outside the relationship.

这听起来是不是很反直觉？

That's so counterintuitive right?

你们能长久在一起的主要原因之一，是你们各自的生活都过得很好。

One of the biggest reasons you'll stay together with someone for a long time is if your life is good individually and their life is good individually.

为什么？

Why?

因为你们能彼此成就卓越。

Because you bring greatness to each other.

你们互相激励。

You inspire each other.

科学实际上支持这一点。

Science actually backs this up.

关于关系满意度的研究表明，那些保持友谊、爱好、激情和个人目标、日常规律的人，会拥有更强大、更健康、更稳固的关系。

Studies on relationship satisfaction show that people who maintain friendships, people who maintain hobbies, people who maintain passions, people who maintain personal goals, routines, all of that experience stronger, healthier, more secure relationships.

因为你的伴侣爱的是完整的你，而不是一个把他们当作全部世界的人。

Because your partner fell in love with the whole person, not a person who made them their whole world.

想象爱就像你家中的一个崭新美丽的房间。

Imagine love like a beautiful new room in your house.

它拓展了你的生活。

It expands your life.

但它并不会取代整个结构。

But it doesn't replace the entire structure.

这里有一个小练习。

Here is a quick exercise.

列出五件你喜欢独自做的事情。

List five things you love doing alone.

现在列出五位在关系之外爱你的人。

Now list five people who love you outside the relationship.

再列出五项与爱情无关的目标。

Now list five goals that have nothing to do with love.

这些不是额外的或填充物。

These aren't extras or fillers.

它们是锚点。

They are anchors.

锚点能在风浪来临时让你保持稳定。

And anchors are what keep you steady when the waves come.

我听过最喜欢的一句话是：不要为了让别人感觉更好而让自己变得渺小。

One of my favorite quotes that I have heard is Don't become less so someone else can feel like more.

不要为了适应一段不愿与你共同成长的关系而变得渺小。

Don't become smaller just to fit inside a relationship that refuses to grow with you.

不要变成他们喜欢的样子，如果这意味着遗忘真实的自己。

Don't become who they prefer if it means forgetting who you are.

不要为了承担他人的不安全感而牺牲自己的自信。

Don't become responsible for someone else's insecurities at the cost of your own confidence.

不要太快坠入爱河。

Don't fall in love too fast.

当我们太快坠入爱河时，就会忽视那些错误。

It's when we fall fast that we ignore the mistakes.

当我们太快坠入爱河时，就看不清真相。

It's when we fall fast that we don't see clearly.

当我们放慢脚步时。

When we slow down.

当我们保持耐心时。

When we are patient.

一切都会变得清晰可见。

Everything becomes visible.

我们可以做出更好的判断、更好的选择，更清楚地了解自己的选择，最终以一种能让爱长久存在的节奏去相爱。

We can make better judgements, better choices, know our options better and ultimately fall in love at a pace where love can always exist.

当你快速坠入爱河时，通常也会很快退出。

When you fall in love fast, you usually fall out of it as quick.

当你慢慢相爱时，它有能力超越你曾经拥有的任何一段关系。

When you fall in love slow, it has the ability to outlast any relationship you've ever had.

第二个原则是：不要把情感上的功课外包给别人。

Is principle two: Don't outsource your emotional homework.

这一代人有一个默默的习惯。

Generation has a quiet habit.

我们希望伴侣能治愈我们从未正视的问题。

We want our partners to heal what we've never addressed.

我们希望他们能治愈我们的被抛弃创伤。

We want them to heal our abandonment wounds.

我们希望他们治愈我们的不安全感。

We want them to heal our insecurities.

我们希望他们治愈我们的孤独感。

We want them to heal our loneliness.

我们希望他们治愈我们的自我价值感。

We want them to heal our self worth.

我们希望他们治愈我们的情感过往。

We want them to heal our emotional history.

但那不是爱。

But that's not love.

那是外包。

That's outsourcing.

伴侣可以支持你的疗愈，但他们不能代替你的疗愈。

A partner can support your healing, but they cannot be your healing.

伴侣可以支持你的成长，但他们不能替你成长。

A partner can support your growth, but they can't do your growth.

伴侣可以在你疗愈时牵着你的手，但不能替你走这条路。

A partner can hold your hand while you heal, but they can't walk the path for you.

研究表明，最健康的关系是由那些将自我觉察带入关系中的人建立的，而不是自我抛弃。

Research shows that the healthiest relationships are built by people who bring self awareness into the relationship, not self abandonment.

告诉你的伴侣你的感受。

Tell your partner how you feel.

如果你感到焦虑，就承认它。

If you are anxious, name it.

如果你倾向于回避，就理解它。

If you are avoidant, understand it.

如果你被触发了，就去探索它。

If you are triggered, explore it.

如果你感到不知所措，就表达出来。

If you are overwhelmed, communicate it.

当两个人都在成长时，爱才能茁壮成长，而不是当一个人成为另一个人的情感救生圈时。

Love can flourish when two people are growing, not when one person becomes the emotional life raft for the other person.

当你还没有完全认识自己时，你不能指望别人来让你完整。

You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't met yourself completely.

当你还在寻找爱情来填补你拒绝面对的空洞时，你不能指望别人来让你完整。

You can't expect someone to complete you when you are still looking for love to fill the gaps you refuse to face.

当你要求别人治愈那些他们从未造成的伤口时，你不能指望别人来让你完整。

You can't expect someone to complete you when you are asking them to heal wounds they never caused.

当你还没有遇见那个准备好迎接真实关系的自己时，你不能指望别人来让你完整。

You can't expect someone to complete you when you haven't met the version of yourself that's ready for real

嗨，你好。

Hey there.

这里是医生。

This is Doctor.

杰西·米尔斯，加州大学洛杉矶分校健康中心男性诊所主任，也是《邮件室》播客的主持人。

Jesse Mills, Director of the Men's Clinic at UCLA Health and host of the Mailroom Podcast.

每年一月，各地的男性都会做出同样的决心。

Each January, guys everywhere make the same resolutions.

变得更强大，更努力工作，修复那些破损的东西。

Get stronger, work harder, fix what's broken.

但如果真正的努力根本不是身体上的呢？

But what if the real work isn't physical at all?

为了开启新的一年，我与史蒂夫·波尔特医生进行了交谈。

To kick off the new year, I sat down with Doctor.

史蒂夫·波尔特是一位心理学家，拥有三十多年经验，帮助男性梳理他们从未被教导去命名的羞耻、焦虑和情感痛苦。

Steve Poulter, a psychologist with over thirty years experience helping men unpack shame, anxiety, and emotional pain they were never taught to name.

在这场深入的两部分对话中，我们探讨了为什么男性并非情感上坚不可摧，为什么羞耻感总是藏在明处，以及真正的力量源于倾听自己和他人。

In a powerful two part conversation, we discuss why men aren't emotionally bulletproof, why shame hides in plain sight, and how real strength comes from listening to yourself and to others.

那些有毒的男性，往往不成熟，或者内心有些未解决的问题。

Guys who are toxic, they're immature, or they've got something they just haven't resolved.

一旦这些问题得到解决，同理心和同情心就会随之而来。

Once that gets resolved, then there comes empathy and some compassion.

如果你希望今年不再硬撑着忍受痛苦，而是开始理解痛苦背后的真正原因，请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你常用的播客平台收听《Mailroom》。

If you want this to be the year you stop powering through pain and start understanding what's underneath, listen to The Mailroom on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.

你好。

Hi.

我是医生。

I'm Doctor.

普里扬卡·瓦利。

Priyanka Wally.

我是哈里昆达博卢。

And I'm Harikundaboglu.

新的一年到了，在播客《健康那些事》中，我们重新思考如何谈论健康。

It's a new year, and on the podcast Health Stuff, we're resetting the way we talk about our health.

这意味着坦诚面对我们所知道的、不知道的，以及这一切可能有多混乱。

Which means being honest about what we know, what we don't know, and how messy it can all be.

我喜欢晚睡晚起。

I like to sleep in late and sleep early.

有这种作息类型的生物节律吗，还是我只是抑郁了？

Is there a chronotype for that, or am I just depressed?

我们与专家交谈，他们分享真实的经历和见解。

We talk to experts who share real experiences and insight.

你真正需要找到自己生活中能够产生影响的地方，然后就开始行动。

You just really need to find where it is that you can have an impact in your own life and just start doing that.

我们会拆解你想要深入了解的话题。

We break down the topics you want to know more about.

睡眠、压力、心理健康，以及

Sleep, stress, mental health, and

我们周围的世界如何影响我们的整体健康。

how the world around us affects our overall health.

我们会探讨所有保持身心内外健康的方法。

We talk about all the ways to keep your body and mind inside and out healthy.

我们人类，所追求的不过是连接。

We human beings, all we want is connection.

我们只是想彼此建立联系。

We just wanna connect with each other.

健康话题关乎学习、欢笑，以及感到不那么孤单。

Health stuff is about learning, laughing, and feeling a little less alone.

在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听。

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

新的一年并不意味着抹去过去的你。

A new year doesn't mean erasing who you were.

而是纪念你所经历的磨难，并选择你希望如何成长。

It means honoring what you've survived and choosing how you want to grow.

它意味着允许自己感受那些一直压抑的情绪，并明白寻求帮助是完全可以的。

It means giving ourselves permission to feel what we've been holding and knowing that it's okay to ask for help.

我是迈克·德拉罗查，《神圣课程》的主持人。

I'm Mike Della Rocha, host of Sacred Lessons.

这个播客为男性提供了一个开放谈论心理健康、哀伤、人际关系以及我们继承却不必重复的模式的空间。

This podcast is a space for men to talk openly about mental health, grief, relationships, and the patterns we inherit, but don't have to repeat.

在这里，我们放慢脚步。

Here, we slow down.

我们倾听，学习如何将脆弱转化为力量，明白疗愈发生在社群之中，而非孤立无援。

We listen, we learn how vulnerability becomes strength, and how healing happens in community, not in isolation.

如果你准备好放下不再服务于你的东西，带着清晰、慈悲与目标迎接新的一年，《神圣课程》将成为你疗愈之路上的伙伴。

If you're ready to let go of what no longer serves you and step into the year with clarity, compassion, and purpose, Sacred Lessons is your companion on your healing journey.

收听迈克·德拉罗查主持的《神圣课程》，就在美国排名第一的播客网络iHeart上。

Listen to Sacred Lessons with Mike Della Rocha on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.

关注迈克·德拉罗查的《神圣课程》，今天就免费下载iHeartRadio应用开始收听吧。

Follow Sacred Lessons with Mike Della Rocha and start listening on the free iHeartRadio app today.

第三原则：不要忽视那些信号。人们会在爱情中一夜之间迷失自我，因为他们没有对所看到的迹象保持警觉。

Principle three: Don't ignore the signals People lose themselves in love overnight because they don't stay vigilant about the signs they see.

这些是你在一段关系中逐渐失去自我的迹象。

These are the signs you are losing yourself in a relationship.

你会为并非你的错的事情道歉。

You apologize for things that aren't your fault.

你伴侣的偏好总是凌驾于你的之上。

Your partner's preferences always override yours.

你的目标显得渺小，而他们的目标却更重要。

Your goals feel smaller and theirs feel more important.

你的声音变得微弱，而他们的声音却更响亮。

Your voice feels quieter and theirs feels louder.

你的界限变得模糊，而他们却不予尊重。

Your boundaries get blurry and they don't respect them.

你的世界变得狭小，你不再与自己内省。

Your world gets narrower and you stop checking in with yourself.

听到朋友这样说，我心都碎了。

Hearing this from a friend broke my heart.

他们说：我爱他，但我并不爱在他身边时的自己。

They said I love him, but I don't love who I become around him.

这句话道尽了一切。

That sentence says everything.

如果爱让你失去了自己，那就不值得。

If love is costing you yourself, it's not worth it.

健康的爱不会要求你退缩，不会惩罚你的抱负，不会怨恨你的独立，也不会黯淡你的光芒。

Healthy love won't ask you to shrink, it won't punish your ambition, it won't resent your independence, it won't dim your light.

因为健康的爱会说：保持你自己的样子。

Because healthy love says stay who you are.

与我并肩成长，而非屈居我之下。

Grow alongside me, not beneath me.

不要再因为被吸引就忽视那些危险信号。

Stop ignoring red flags just because you are attracted to them.

别再因为不想重新开始就忽视那些危险信号。

Stop avoiding red flags just because you don't want to start over again.

别再因为长时间缺乏关注后得到关怀的感觉很好就忽视危险信号。

Stop avoiding red flags because the attention feels good after a long time without it.

别再因为害怕这可能是你能得到的最好选择就忽视危险信号。

Stop avoiding red flags because you are scared this might be the best you will get.

别再因为你希望他们某天能将潜力变为现实就忽视危险信号。

Stop avoiding red flags because you are hoping their potential will one day become their reality.

每当有人分手后，我问他们有没有看到那些征兆，他们都能一一列举出来。

Whenever anyone breaks up and I ask them if they saw the signs, they can name all of them.

他们从未准时出现。

They never turned up on time.

他们从未真正回复消息。

They never really messaged back.

他们总让我去追着他们。

They made me chase them a little.

我们在一起时，他们从未全心全意关注我。

They never fully gave me their attention when we were out together.

当有人对我苛刻时，他们从未替我辩护。

They never defended me in front of someone who was being harsh.

他们从未支持我的独立性。

They never encouraged my independence.

当我告诉他们我想做什么时，他们根本没什么话说。

When I told them what I wanted to do, they didn't really have anything to say.

当有人突然和你分手时，你就能看清楚一切了。

All of a sudden when someone breaks up with you, you can see everything clearly.

但是

But

当你

when

和他们在一起时，就放下吧，因为你被他们的声音、外貌、工作以及别人对他们的看法所吸引。

you are with them, let go of it because you are attracted to how they sounded, how they looked, what they did for work, what people thought about them.

我们中有太多人没有认真倾听这些信号。

So many of us don't listen carefully to these signals.

我们中有太多人回避那些明明白白摆在眼前的红灯信号，我理解，因为刚找到那个人时，那种感觉令人兴奋、着迷、令人陶醉，感觉很好。

So many of us avoid these red flags that are staring us in the face and I get it it's exciting, it's enthralling, it's intoxicating right when you find that person and it feels good.

我明白。

I get it.

我知道你渴望被拥抱。

I know you want to be held.

你希望感到安全。

You want to feel safe.

但你是想被拥抱一夜，还是被拥抱一生？

But do you want to be held for a night or held for your life?

当你和他们在一起时，感到不安，却还要去别处寻找安全感吗？

Do you want to feel insecure when you're with them and still look for safety elsewhere?

你是否想说‘我爱你’，也听到对方说‘我爱你’，却并不真正相信？

Do you want to say and hear I love you but not really believe it?

我们很多人忽视这些警示信号，是因为我们进展得太快了。

So many of us avoid red flags because we are moving too fast.

第四个原则：你绝不能跨越的三条爱的底线。

Is principle four: The three love lines you must never cross.

这是最健康的情侣从不妥协的三条界限。

These are three boundaries the healthiest couples never compromise.

第一条。

One.

自主性：你保持自己的想法、兴趣和选择。

Autonomy You maintain your own thoughts, interests and choices.

对的人不会试图改变你的兴趣和选择。

The right person is not trying to change your interests and choices.

他们可能会帮助你更深入地理解这些兴趣和选择。

They may help you understand them more.

他们可能会帮助你更深入地了解他们自己。

They may help you learn about them more.

他们不会让你渴望更多。

They're not making you want more.

如果你的伴侣不想创业，而你却说服他们应该创业，这并不意味着你关心他们。

If your partner doesn't want to start a business and you convince them they should, that doesn't mean you care about them.

你只是把自己的目标投射到了他们身上。

You just projected your goals onto them.

如果你的伴侣觉得你不够有抱负，那你就要问问自己，抱负对你来说意味着什么。

If your partner feels you are not ambitious enough, you get to ask yourself what ambition means to you.

你可以问问自己，成功对你来说意味着什么。

You get to ask yourself what success means to you.

第二点：平等。

Number two: Equity.

双方都付出，双方都收获。

Both people give, both people receive.

不是九比一，也不是八比二。

Not ninetyten, not eightytwenty.

伙伴关系就是伙伴关系。

Partnership means partnership.

但关键是，在长期关系中，总会有一些时候一个人付出更多，而你知道几年后另一个人可能会付出更多。

And here's the thing, in long term relationships, there will be times when one person does more than the other, knowing that a few years later, the other person could be doing more.

但重点是，双方都愿意付出和接受，并彼此支持。

But the point is, both people are willing to give and receive, and show up for each other.

第三。

Three.

情感真诚：如果你处于一段健康的关系中，你可以毫无恐惧地表达不适。

Emotional honesty If you are in a healthy relationship, you can express discomfort without fear.

你可以说出‘我需要这个’，而不会感到被评判。

You can say I need this without feeling judged.

你可以告诉对方‘这伤害了我’，而不会觉得自己软弱。

You can say that hurt me without feeling weak.

你可以坦承‘我害怕’，而不会让对方感到不安。

You can say I'm scared without triggering the other person.

保持这些界限的伴侣报告称，他们的长期满意度更高，冲突更少。

Couples who maintain these boundaries report stronger long term satisfaction and lower conflict.

因为这段关系成为了一个真实而非表演的场所。

Because the relationship becomes a place of truth, not performance.

原则五：爱上一个爱你的生活的人，而不仅仅是爱你自己。人们最大的错误之一，就是爱上了一个爱他们本人却不爱他们生活方式、梦想、价值观、成长、人际关系和独立性的人。

Principle five: Fall in love with someone who loves your life, not just you One of the biggest mistakes people make is falling for someone who loves them but doesn't love their lifestyle, their dreams, their values, their growth, their relationships, their independence.

如果一个人只爱你那些服务于他们的部分，那这不是爱，而是占有。

If someone loves only the parts of you that serve them, it's not love, it's possession.

真正的爱是说：我不希望成为你生命的全部，我只想成为你正在过的生活的一部分。

Real love says I don't want to be your whole life, I want to be a part of the life you're living.

对的伴侣不会因你的梦想而感到威胁。

The right partner isn't threatened by your dreams.

他们反而会因此受到鼓舞。

They're inspired by them.

对的伴侣不会让你的世界变小。

The right partner doesn't shrink your world.

他们会拓展你的世界。

They expand it.

对的伴侣不会剥夺你的身份，而是为你喝彩。

The right partner doesn't steal your identity, they celebrate it.

如果一个人只有在你消失时才能留下，那他并不是对的人。

If someone requires your disappearance in order to stay, they are not your person.

他只是一个限制。

They're a limitation.

我们很多人都被操控了。

So many of us get manipulated.

我们被一些人限制了，他们让我们觉得自己的梦想太渺小。

We get limited by people who make our feel our dreams are too small.

我相信你以前也遇到过这样的人，你告诉他们你打算做什么，他们却说：‘我不确定你真能做到。’

I'm sure you've been with someone before and you said, hey this is what I'm thinking of doing and they said, well I don't know if you can really do that.

我不觉得这真的可能。

I don't know if that's really possible.

他们可能是出于好意才这么说的，但你需要的是能认真对待并问你‘能跟我讲讲吗？’的人。

Now they may be saying it from a good intention, but you want someone who engages with that and goes, how about tell me about it?

我想了解这件事。

I want to know about it.

顺便说一下，我也犯过这样的错误。

By the way, I've made this mistake as well.

有时候，我内心那个现实主义者会说：‘嘿，是啊，我觉得这大概行不通。’

Sometimes the realist in me can just be like, hey, yeah, don't think that's gonna work.

我不得不学会，当有人跟我分享一个想法时，我必须回应他们的兴奋。

I've had to learn that when someone's sharing an idea with me, I've got to engage with their excitement.

我必须回应他们的热情。

I've got to engage with their enthusiasm.

我必须回应他们对这件事的活力。

I've got to engage with their energy about this.

去年我真的有很多朋友因为伴侣不喜欢看到他们发光而分手。

I actually have so many friends last year who broke up with their partners because their partners didn't like to see them shine.

这现在成了一个真正的挑战。

And this has become a real challenge right now.

太多人正面临这样的困境：他们和那些不愿看到他们努力、不愿看到他们成功、不愿看到他们成长的人在一起，因为对方更希望他们低调行事，这样能让对方感觉更好。

So many people are struggling with this Where they're with someone who doesn't want to see them work hard, doesn't want to see them achieve, who doesn't want to see them grow because they'd prefer they played small so that it makes them feel better.

如果一个人不希望你成功，只是为了让自己感觉更好，那他不是对的人。

If someone doesn't want you to win so that they feel better about themselves, they're not your person.

如果一个人不希望你成长，只是为了避免自己显得渺小，那他不是对的人。

If someone doesn't want you to grow so that they don't feel small, they're not your person.

如果有人不希望你取得成就，只是为了不觉得自己落后，那他们不是对的人。

If someone doesn't want you to achieve things so that they don't feel behind, they're not your person.

对的人会希望你成为最好的自己，并努力成为最好的他们，因为这不是竞争，而是联结。

Your person will want you to be the best version of you and try to become the best version of them because it's not a competition, it's connection.

我曾经遇到一对已经在一起四十年的夫妻。

I once met a couple who'd been together for forty years.

他们从不谈论灵魂伴侣、命运或完美匹配。

They didn't talk about soulmates or destiny or perfect matches.

他们说了一些更深刻的话。

They said something far more profound.

我们共同构建了完整的人生，然后学会了并肩同行。

We built two whole lives and then learned how to walk side by side.

他们的秘诀是什么？

Their secret?

他们从未停止成为独立的个体。

They never stopped becoming individuals.

他们从未停止经营自己的友谊。

They never stopped tending to their friendships.

他们从未停止了解彼此。

They never stopped learning about each other.

他们从未停止共同成长。

They never stopped growing together.

他们从未停止个人成长。

They never stopped growing individually.

他们从未停止选择自己。

They never stopped choosing themselves.

他们也从未停止选择彼此。

And they never stopped choosing each other.

他们明白，最健康的关系不是两个半圆合二为一。

They understood that the healthiest relationships are not two halves, becoming one.

而是两个人并肩而行，保持连接。

They are two people walking side by side, staying connected.

这正是最有趣的地方。

That's what's so interesting.

我们总觉得，当你遇到对的人，你们就会融为一体，从此过上同一种生活。

We feel like we become one when you meet the one, you merge, you have one life now.

这是个错误。

It's a mistake.

你有两个头脑，两个大脑，两颗心。

You have two minds, two brains, two hearts.

你怎么可能拥有一种生活呢？

How can you have one life?

有两段独立的人生，再加上你们的关系所构成的生活。

There's two lives that matter and then the life of your relationship.

所以，我想留给你们的真相是：今年你完全可以坠入爱河，却不失去自我。

So here's the truth that I want to leave you with: You can fall in love this year without losing yourself.

你可以全心投入，同时依然保持独立。

You can be committed and still be independent.

你可以付出而不消失。

You can give without disappearing.

你可以深爱一个人，同时依然尊重正在成长的自己。

You can love someone deeply and still honor the person you are becoming.

爱不是为了抹去你。

Love is not meant to erase you.

爱是为了提升你。

Love is meant to elevate you.

所以请记住：选择一种拓展你世界而非取代你世界的爱。

So remember this: Choose a love that expands your world, not one that replaces it.

选择一种助你成长的爱，而不是让你必须缩窄自己的爱。

Choose a love that helps you grow, not one you have to shrink for.

选择一种感觉像伙伴关系的爱，而不是自我放弃的爱。

Choose a love that feels like partnership, not self abandonment.

最重要的是，选择一种你不会失去自我的爱。

And most importantly choose a love where you don't lose yourself.

因为对的人永远不会要求你这样做。

Because the right person will never ask you to.

如果你刚刚经历了一段分手，希望这一集能帮到你。

If you just went through a break up, I hope this episode helps you.

如果你正在一段关系中，希望这一集能帮到你。

If you're in a relationship, I hope this episode helps you.

如果你正在寻找爱情，希望这一集能帮到你。

And if you're looking for love, I hope this episode helps you.

我制作这一集是因为我认为，当我们快速坠入爱河、忽视警示信号、迷失自我、不保护自己、为了迫切寻找爱而违背自己的信念和价值观时，我们会给自己带来巨大的痛苦。

I made this episode because I think we cause ourselves so much pain when we fall in love fast, ignore the red flags, lose ourselves, don't protect ourselves, override our beliefs and values in order to desperately find love.

但最终，你依然独自一人。

Only to still be alone at the end of it.

这里有一个令人心酸的真相：我们改变自己，只为让他们留下。

Here's the sad truth: We change who we are so that they'll stay.

然后他们却因为你的改变而离开。

And then they leave because we changed.

这真有意思。

It's so interesting.

我们失去别人，不是因为不够好，而是因为失去了自己。

We lose people not because we were inadequate but because we lost ourselves.

而那个人并不是对的人。

And that person wasn't our person.

我认为我们对找到那个人施加了太多压力，以为只要有人对我们感兴趣，这就足够了。

I think we put so much pressure on finding the person that we think if we find someone who shows interest in us then that's enough.

却没有意识到，兴趣并不等于长期的亲密关系。

Not realizing that interest doesn't mean long term intimacy.

也不等于长期的连接。

It doesn't mean long term connection.

并不意味着这些。

It doesn't mean that.

所以当我告诉你不要在关系中失去自己时，是为了让你始终拥有自己。

So when I'm telling you to not lose yourself in a relationship, it's so that you always have yourself.

这样你才能拥有一个可以依靠的人。

So that you have the person you can rely on.

这样你才能拥有一个保护你的人。

So that you have the person who protects you.

当你真正遇到对的人时，你们就能一起建立一些东西。

And then when you do find the right person, you'll be able to build something together.

而寄希望于每个人都是对的人，或假装某个人是对的人。

Whereas hoping everyone's the right person and pretending someone's the right person.

你有多少次遇到一个人，就把他塑造成完美的人？

How many times have you ever done that where you meet someone and you make them the perfect person.

你把他当成对的人，只是因为那是你想要的。

You make them the right person because that's what you want.

你甚至都不去了解他们，因为你只是把自己的期望投射在他们身上。

You don't even get to know them because you're just projecting what you want onto them.

我希望这一集能帮你节省时间，避免经历那些你本不必亲身经历的痛苦教训。

I hope this episode saves you time and from the pain of lessons that you don't need to learn yourself.

感谢你的收听。

Thank you for listening.

希望你已经订阅了。

I hope you have subscribed.

记住，我永远站在你这边，始终为你加油。

Remember I am forever in your corner and I am always rooting for you.

大家好，如果你喜欢刚才的对话，去看看我与世界顶尖治疗师劳里·戈特利布的访谈吧，她在节目中回答了人们在治疗中关于爱情、关系、心碎和约会最常问的那些问题。

Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

如果你现在正试图弄清楚这段关系，你一定不能错过这次对话。

If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

如果是恋爱关系，就牵起对方的手。

If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

很难在牵手时争吵。

It's really hard to argue.

这实际上能让你的神经系统平静下来。

It actually calms your nervous systems.