如何显化真爱：科学证实有效的方法！

这是iHeart播客《 Guaranteed Human 》。

This is a iHeart podcast, Guaranteed Human.

你可以一整天刷新闻头条，却依然感到空虚。

You can scroll the headlines all day and still feel empty.

我是本·希金斯。

I'm Ben Higgins.

如果你能听到我，那就是文化与灵魂相遇的地方。

And if you can hear me is where culture meets the soul.

关于身份、失去、意义、平静、信仰以及其间一切的真诚对话。

Honest conversations about identity, loss, purpose, peace, faith, and everything in between.

名人、思想家、普通人，有些人有答案，大多数人仍在摸索中。

Celebrities, thinkers, everyday people, some have answers, most are still figuring it out.

如果你曾觉得故事背后一定还有更多，那么这个节目就是为你准备的。

And if you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《If You Can Hear Me》。

Listen to If You Can Hear Me on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

当你感到不舒服时，你会听什么音乐？

When you feel uncomfortable, what do you put on?

Biggie。

Biggie.

你感到不舒服时就听Biggie？

You put on Biggie when you feel uncomfortable?

因为我想变得自信。

Because I wanna get confident.

这是DJ Hester Prynne的《音乐即疗法》。

This is DJ Hester Prynne's Music is therapy.

这是我——一位DJ兼持证治疗师——推出的新播客。

A new podcast from me, a DJ and licensed therapist.

十二个月，十二个生活领域。

Twelve months, 12 areas of your life.

金钱、爱情、事业、自信。

Money, love, career, confidence.

这不仅仅是一个播客。

This isn't just a podcast.

它是为你全年提供的非传统疗法。

It's unconventional therapy for your entire year.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听DJ Hester Prun的《音乐即疗法》。

Listen to DJ Hester Prun's music is therapy on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

如果心灵控制是真实的呢？

What if mind control is real?

如果你能控制身边任何人的行为，你会想要什么样的

If you could control the behavior of anybody around you, what kind

妻子？

of wife would you have?

你能通过催眠说服某人买一辆车吗？

Can you hypnotically persuade someone to buy a car?

当你看着

When you look at

你的车会让你被如此美好的感受淹没。

your car, you're gonna become overwhelmed with such good feelings.

你能催眠某人和你发生关系吗？

Can you hypnotize someone into sleeping with you?

我给了她一些建议，让她产生性兴奋。

I gave her some suggestions to be sexually aroused.

你能让人加入你的邪教吗？

Can you get someone to join your cult?

有人用神经语言程序学（NLP）来接触我的潜意识。

NLP was used on me to access my subconscious.

《心灵游戏》是一档新播客，探索神经语言程序学（NLP）。

Mind Games, a new podcast exploring NLP, aka neurolinguistic programming.

它是一种自助奇迹，还是一个可疑的催眠骗局，或者两者兼有？

Is it self help miracle, a shady hypnosis scam, or both?

在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple Podcasts 或你收听播客的任何平台收听《心灵游戏》。

Listen to mind games on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

让我从一件诚实的事说起。

Let me start with something honest.

大多数声称自己在吸引爱情的人，实际上正在做一些悄悄推开爱情的事情。

Most people who say they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that quietly push love away.

这不是因为他们不配，也不是因为他们有缺陷，而是因为他们被灌输了错误的‘吸引’定义。

Not because they're unworthy, not because they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition of manifesting.

我们一直被告诉，吸引爱情就是想象一个完美的人，重复积极的肯定语，然后等待宇宙送来爱情。

We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe to deliver.

但心理学讲述了一个完全不同的故事。

But psychology tells a very different story.

爱情不会因为你多么渴望它就自动出现。

Love doesn't appear because you want it badly enough.

爱情会在你的信念、神经系统、习惯和自我认同都与维系爱情相一致时出现。

Love appears when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned with sustaining it.

所以今天，我想谈谈如何真正地在这一年里吸引浪漫爱情——以科学为基础、情感真实且真正充满希望的方式。

So today I want to talk about how to actually manifest romantic love this year, in a way that is grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful.

如果你继续听下去，这一集不仅会改变你对爱的看法，还会改变爱找到你的方式。

And if you stay with me, this episode won't just change how you think about love, it will change how love finds you.

以下是彻底改变一切的重新认知。

Here is the reframe that changes everything.

你吸引不到你想要的关系。

You don't attract the relationship you want.

你吸引的是你准备好参与的关系。

You attract the relationship you are ready to participate in.

这并不是灵性话语，而是心理学的现实。

That's not spiritual language, that's psychological reality.

研究表明，关系的建立更多是由情绪可用性、依恋安全感和行为一致性预测的，而不是外貌、金钱或地位——无论互联网怎么说。

Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far more by emotional availability, attachment security, and behavioural consistency than by looks, money, or status no matter what the internet says.

所以，吸引爱并不是召唤某个人出现。

So manifesting love isn't about calling someone in.

而是成为一段爱能够真正长久停留的关系。

It's about becoming someone love can actually stay with.

吸引爱并不是吸引对的人。

Manifesting love isn't about attracting the right person.

而是在对方到来时，变得情感上可亲近。

It's about becoming emotionally available when they arrive.

吸引爱并不是关于化学反应。

Manifesting love isn't about chemistry.

而是关于神经系统感到安全。

It's about nervous system safety.

吸引爱并不是关于想象一段关系。

It isn't about visualizing a relationship.

而是为真正拥有它腾出空间。

It's about making room to actually have one.

吸引爱并不是关于修复自己。

Manifesting love isn't about fixing yourself.

而是停止那些阻碍连接的行为。

It's about stopping the behaviours that block connection.

吸引爱并不是关于被需要。

Manifesting love isn't about being wanted.

而是关于能够接受。

It's about being able to receive.

吸引爱不是等待一个信号，而是识别一致性。

Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign, it's about recognizing consistency.

吸引爱不是关于高标准，而是关于清晰的标准。

Manifesting love isn't about high standards, it's about clear ones.

那么我们来谈谈如何做到这一点。

So let's talk about how we do that.

原则一：情感上的开放性。在关系科学中，被研究得最充分的理念之一就是依恋理论。

Principle one: Emotional availability One of the most well researched ideas in relationship science is attachment theory.

数十年的研究表明，人们在建立联系时往往呈现出某种模式：安全型、焦虑型或回避型。

Decades of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns of how they connect: secure, anxious, or avoidant.

重要的是：一项发表在《人格与社会心理学评论》上的大型元分析发现，无论外貌吸引力如何，安全型依恋的人始终被评价为更理想的长期伴侣。

Here's what's important: A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology Review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness.

为什么？

Why?

因为安全型的人沟通清晰、反应一致，并且情感上始终在场。

Because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present.

安全型的人不会消失然后等着你去追。

Secure people don't disappear to be chased.

不安全型的人会退缩，看看你是否在乎。

Insecure people withdraw to see if you care.

安全型的人会直接向相关的人提出问题。

Secure people bring issues to the person involved.

不安全型的人会先跟其他人说。

Insecure people talk to everyone else first.

安全型的人不会把强烈的情感误认为是亲密关系。

Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy.

这里有一个安静的真相。

And here is the quiet truth.

很多人说他们想要爱。

Many people say they want love.

但他们情感上并不开放。

But they are not emotionally available.

他们仍然依恋着前任、幻想，或一种曾伤害过他们的爱的版本。

They are still attached to an ex, a fantasy, or a version of love that hurt them.

所以问问自己：我是情感上开放，还是只是情感上抱有希望？

So ask yourself: Am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful?

因为希望并不能创造情感上的开放。

Because hope doesn't create availability.

真正的在场才能做到。

Presence does.

记住这一点：没有安全感的化学反应会让人兴奋。

Remember this: Chemistry without safety feels exciting.

没有化学反应的安全感则会让人觉得无聊。

Safety without chemistry feels boring.

安全的爱学会同时容纳两者。

Secure love learns how to hold both.

当停止追逐情感上的不可得，并不再将其称为激情时，真爱的显现才开始。

Manifesting love begins when you stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion.

这对我来说太有趣了。

It's so fascinating to me.

节日期间我参加了一个活动，当时我遇到了四位女性，她们都告诉我她们想找到爱情。

I was at an event during the holidays and I was speaking to four women who all said to me that they wanted to find love.

我问她们约会进展如何。

And I asked them how dating was going.

她们都说她们没有在约会。

And they all said they weren't dating.

她们没有在认识新人。

They weren't meeting people.

当我们的行动与我们的意图不一致时，这让我觉得特别有趣。

It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from my intention.

现在我意识到约会真的很累人。

Now I realize dating is exhausting.

我明白这些应用可能很有挑战性。

I realize that the apps can be challenging.

我认识到这并不容易。

I recognize that this isn't easy.

但我想跟你们分享的是：当你开始弄清楚自己如何真正展现出那个你希望别人爱上的人时，你就会在朋友和家人面前变得更加情感开放，更愿意建立联系，猜猜会怎样？

But what I want to share with you is this: you become more emotionally available with your friends, your family, open to connect, when you are figuring out how you are actually showing up as the person you want someone to fall in love with already, guess what?

你会有更多机会去建立这种连接，因为你已经展现出你想要成为的那个人。

There's going to be more opportunities for you to create that connection because you're already showing up as the person who you want to be.

你已经展现出那个别人可以爱上的人。

You're already showing up as the person that someone can fall in love with.

你已经展现出那样的人。

You're already showing up as that person.

这会产生巨大的不同。

It makes such a big difference.

那么，谁说这不会神奇地发生呢？

Now, who says it doesn't happen magically.

你说得对。

You're right.

这不会神奇地发生，但你会开始注意到那些机会。

It doesn't happen magically, but it's that you start to spot the opportunities.

你会开始发现哪里可能存在联系或契合。

It's that you start to see where there might be a connection or compatibility.

而最棒的是，你也能分辨出什么时候不合适。

And the best part is you also know when it isn't.

我觉得这是另一件事。

I think that's another thing.

我们很多人把时间浪费在那些明明知道不合适的人或领域上，因为我们太渴望有人陪伴，反而错过了身边真正合适的人，因为我们太专注于别处。

A lot of us waste our time in areas or with people that we know aren't the one because we're so desperate and want to be with someone that we actually miss out on someone who might be right there because we're too busy over here.

所以，留出空间非常重要。

And so making space is so important.

现在，第一步只有在我们理解了原则二之后才有效。

Now, step one won't work unless we understand principle two.

身份塑造吸引力。

Identity shapes attraction.

让我们谈谈身份。

Let's talk about identity.

几十年来，心理学家一直知道，自我概念比意图更能可靠地预测行为。

Psychologists have known for decades that self-concept predicts behavior more reliably than intention.

想想看，你不是根据你想要什么来行动，而是根据你相信自己是谁来行动。

Think about this, you don't act based on what you want, You act based on who you believe you are.

发表在《人格与社会心理学杂志》上的研究表明，人们会无意识地选择伴侣，并容忍那些确认其自我叙事的行为，即使这种叙事伤害了他们。

Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirms their self story even when that story hurts them.

你对自己讲述的故事、你对他人讲述的故事、你相信的关于自己的故事，决定了你会允许什么样的伴侣进入你的生活。

The story you tell yourself, the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself is the kind of partner you allow into your life.

如果你总是认为自己在爱情中运气不好，你就会找到与之相符的证据。

If you always believe that you are unlucky in love, you will find the evidence to match that.

我们的大脑会寻找支持我们已有信念的证据。

See what our mind does is that it seeks out proof for what we already believe.

它会寻找你已相信的事物的证据。

It seeks out evidence for what you already believe.

所以，如果你相信自己在爱情中总是倒霉，你会遇到一个人，结果却不顺利，然后你就觉得自己真倒霉。

So if you believe you are unlucky in love, you will meet someone and it won't work out and then you will feel unlucky.

你正在留意，你正在训练你的大脑去注意这些。

You are noticing, you are training your mind to notice that.

所以，如果你内心深处相信：我在爱情中总是倒霉。

So if somewhere inside you believe, I am unlucky in love.

人们总是会离开。

People always leave.

我就是太过分了。

I am just too much.

你不仅仅是这样想，你是在活出这些想法。

You don't just think those thoughts, you live them.

你过度解释，过度付出，忽视红色警报，待得比应该的更久。

You over explain, you over give, you ignore red flags, you stay longer than you should.

因为归根结底，你只是在试图证明你脑海中那个论点。

Because ultimately, you are simply trying to prove the argument in your mind.

如果你对每个人讲述这个故事：你知道吗，我就是从来找不到一个让生活中所有人都能产生共鸣的人。

If you tell everyone the story of, you know what, I've just never been able to find someone that everyone in my life connects with.

那你最终就会遇到一个，除了你妹妹之外，所有人都能与之产生共鸣的人，对吧？

You will find the person that everyone in your life connects with apart from your sister, Right?

因为你试图重复这些证据。

Because you're trying to repeat that evidence.

你试图向自己证明这一点。

You're trying to prove that to yourself.

大脑的工作方式真是令人着迷。

It's fascinating how the mind works.

你可能在其他领域也见过类似的情况。

You've probably seen this in other areas as well.

无论你相信什么，你都会开始在各处看到它。

Whatever you believe, you start to see it everywhere.

但吸引爱需要从意图转向身份。

But manifesting love requires shifting from intention to identity.

你不想说‘我想要一段健康的关系’，而应该说‘我是健康关系中的一员’。

You don't want to say I want a healthy relationship, but I am someone who is part of healthy relationships.

我是参与健康关系的人。

I am someone who participates in healthy relationships.

注意这种转变的不同之处。

Notice how it's a different shift.

这种身份会表现为：有界限却不内疚，有标准却不防御，充满好奇而不焦虑。

That identity shows up as boundaries without guilt, standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety.

记住这句话：爱回应的是身份信号，而不是积极肯定。

Here is the line to remember: Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations.

我希望你清楚地意识到，你对自己有什么样的觉察和信念。

I want you to be really clear about what you notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself.

每个人都能讲两个故事。

Everyone can tell two stories.

要么是他们做过了不起的事，要么是他们遭遇的不幸。

The incredible things they did or the bad things that happened to them.

关键在于你注意哪一个，以及你放大哪一个。

It's all about which one you notice and which one you expand upon.

当你相信你生命中经历的一切都把你带到了这个准备好迎接一段合适关系的时刻。

When you believe that everything you've been through in your life has brought you to this place where you're ready for the right relationship.

你已经准备好迎接一段健康的关系。

You're ready for a healthy relationship.

你不会将就于低于你应得的，但也不会有不切实际的疯狂期望。

You're not going to settle for less than you deserve, but you're not going to have crazy expectations that aren't realistic.

你真的能够向前迈进。

You actually get to move forward.

但当你不断编造关于为什么你的爱情生活不顺利的故事时，你会不断加剧并把这些故事扩展到你的生活中。

But when you keep creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out, you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life.

现在，我知道我已经跟你们讲过原则一和原则二，但原则三才是真正的实际突破点。

Now, I know that I've talked to you about principle one and two, but principle three is the real practical unlock.

原则三完全关乎接近性与概率。

Principle three is all about proximity and probability.

让我们再具体一点。

Now let's ground this even more.

吸引力研究中最有力的发现之一，就是所谓的‘单纯曝光效应’。

One of the strongest findings in attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect.

简单来说，我们见到某人的次数越多，就越觉得他们熟悉且有吸引力。

Simply put, the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive they become.

另一个已被广泛证实的原则是‘邻近效应’。

Another well established principle is the propinquity effect.

关系是通过反复的接近而形成的。

Relationships form through repeated proximity.

事实上，研究一致表明，大多数长期伴侣都是通过共同的环境、共同的日常安排和反复互动而相识的。

In fact, research consistently shows that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines, and repeated interaction.

不是命运。

Not destiny.

所以，让我们重新理解一下。

So here is the reframe.

爱不会在你准备好的时候出现。

Love doesn't show up when you are ready.

爱会在你可被触及的时候出现。

Love shows up when you are reachable.

如果你的生活没有节奏，爱就找不到入口。

If your life has no rhythm, love has no entry point.

吸引爱的表现，就是定期出现在相同的地方、相同的时间，与志同道合的人互动。

Manifesting love looks like showing up to the same places at the same times around people who share your values.

这并不是强求爱。

This isn't forcing love.

这是在设计巧合。

This is designing coincidence.

想一想。

Think about it.

很多人在工作中相遇。

So many people meet at work.

很多人在宗教场所相遇。

So many people meet at their place of worship.

人们会在具有相似价值观的地方相遇，比如慈善机构。

People meet people in places of similar value like a charity.

有些人会在共同朋友的聚会上相遇。

Some people meet people at a party of mutual friends.

大多数情况下，如果你想想过去二十五到五十年，大多数人娶或嫁的都是出生地五英里范围内的人。

Most of the time and if you think about just twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married to someone within a five mile radius of where they grew up.

如果我们没有与机会的接近性，找到爱情的可能性就会降低。

If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our probability of finding love goes down.

对我们大多数人来说，我们正在更随机地寻找爱情。

And for most of us, we're trying to find love more randomly.

那种看似神奇、看似巧合的感觉，有时就发生在你最显而易见却熟视无睹的地方。

What feels like magic, what feels like synchronicity rather than looking for it sometimes in the most obvious places that are right there.

你更有可能在经常去的地方爱上并找到适合你的人，而不是只去了一次的地方。

You're more likely to fall in love and find someone who's right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone to than somewhere where you went once.

我们总是听到那些令人惊叹的故事。

And we always hear about those amazing stories.

我当时正在度假。

I was on vacation.

我正在休个小假，或者我们只是偶然相遇了。

I was taking a little sabbatical or we just bumped into each other.

那些故事很美好，也很了不起。

Those are beautiful and that's amazing.

但研究表明，反复的互动才会增加建立联系的可能性。

But the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase the probability for connection.

不要低估那些你最熟悉的人，他们或许能帮你找到那个你可能深爱的人。

Don't underestimate the people you know the most to help you find someone that you could love.

不要低估你已经常去的地方，那里可能潜藏着合适的伴侣。

Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to potentially discover the right partner.

不要低估你生活中的重复模式，它们可能带来意想不到的联结。

Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection.

如果心灵控制是真实的呢？

What if mind control is real?

如果你能控制行为

If you could control the behavior

你周围有任何人，会是怎样的

of anybody around you, what kind

生活呢？

of life would you have?

你能通过催眠说服某人买车吗？

Can you hypnotically persuade someone to buy a car?

当你看着你的车时，

When you look at your car,

你会被如此美好的感受淹没。

you're gonna become overwhelmed with such good feelings.

你能催眠某人和你发生关系吗？

Can you hypnotize someone into sleeping with you?

我给了她一些建议，让她产生性兴奋。

I gave her some suggestions to be sexually aroused.

你能让人加入你的邪教吗？

Can you get someone to join your cult?

有人用神经语言程序学（NLP）来接触我的潜意识。

NLP was used on me to access my subconscious.

神经语言程序学（NLP），即神经语言编程，是催眠、语言学和心理学的结合。

NLP, aka neuro linguistic programming, is a blend of hypnosis, linguistics, and psychology.

粉丝说，这就像终于拿到了大脑的使用手册。

Fans say it's like finally getting a user manual for your brain.

这是关于设计意识的。

It's about engineering consciousness.

《心灵游戏》讲述了NLP的故事。

Mind Games is the story of NLP.

它有一群疯狂的信徒，以及一位在新时代公社发明了NLP并将其卖给穿西装人士的假医生。

It's crazy cast of disciples and the fake doctor who invented it at a new age commune and sold it to guys in suits.

他曾因谋杀受审，但被判无罪。

He stood trial for murder and got acquitted.

最大的心灵游戏是什么？

The biggest mind game of all?

NLP可能真的有效。

NLP might actually work.

这太疯狂了。

This is wild.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《心灵游戏》。

Listen to mind games on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

当新闻头条无法解释你内心正在发生什么时，你会怎么做？

What do you do when the headlines don't explain what's happening inside of you?

我是本·希金斯。

I'm Ben Higgins.

如果你听过我，那你就知道这是文化与灵魂交汇的地方，一个进行真实对话的场所。

And if you've been hear me is where culture meets the soul, a place for real conversation.

每期节目，我都会与来自各行各业的人交谈，包括名人、思想家和普通人。

Each episode, I sit down with people from all walks of life, celebrities, thinkers, and everyday folks.

我们会超越那些经过修饰的故事。

And we go deeper than the polished story.

我们会探讨是什么驱动着我们、塑造着我们，以及带给我们希望的东西。

We talk about what drives us, what shapes us and what gives us hope.

我们会坦诚面对那些重要的事：当你不再认识自己时的身份认同，改变你的失去，当成功不再足够时的意义，当思绪无法平静时的安宁，当信仰变得复杂时的信念。

We get honest about the big stuff, identity when you don't recognize yourself anymore, loss that changes you, purpose when success isn't enough, peace when your mind won't slow down faith when it's complicated.

有些嘉宾有答案。

Some guests have answers.

但大多数仍在寻找答案。

Most are still figuring it out.

如果你曾经觉得故事背后一定还有更多，那么这个节目就是为你准备的。

If you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you.

请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你常用的播客平台收听《If You Can Hear Me》。

Listen to If You Can Hear Me on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

关于爱，你不得不放弃的一个观念是什么？

What is one thing about love you've had to unlearn?

爱是需要争取的。

That it's earned.

爱必须是永恒的，才算数。

That it needs to be forever for it to count.

二月是爱的月份。

February is the month of love.

无论你正在恋爱、随意约会，还是自豪地单身，这都是反思自我和你真正想要什么的好时机。

Whether you're in a relationship, casually dating, or proudly single, it's a great time to reflect on yourself and what you want.

我是希望·伍德德，‘Voice Over’播客的主持人，这个月的每周，我们都会从各个角度探讨爱。

I'm Hope Woodard, host of the voice over podcast, and each week this month, we're looking at love from every angle.

我不知道该怎么告诉我的伴侣，我在床上想要什么。

I don't know how to tell my partner, like, what I want in bed.

关于浪漫小说，我认为它与其他任何文化类型不同之处在于，它总是把女性放在首位。

Thing about romantic fiction, I would say, more than any other genre of culture is that it's always put women first.

我的婚姻变得毫无意义。

My marriage stopped making sense.

那种联系开始感觉不对劲。

The connection started to feel off.

那种行为开始感觉不一样了。

The behavior started to feel different.

今年二月，通过收听《BoysOber》来与自己建立联系。

This February, get in touch with yourself by listening to BoysOber.

就是 b o y s o b e r。

That's b o y s o b e r.

我只是想，我真希望不要讨厌和我同床的人。

I'm like, I would love to not hate the man I'm sleeping with.

我不明白这指的是什么。

I don't know what that's about.

在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听 Boysober。

Listen to Boysober on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

我现在要分享的这个原则至关重要，因为当我们寻找爱情时，通常源于绝望、焦虑和压力。

Now, this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a place of desperation, a place of anxiety, place of stress.

也许你曾被告诉，如果30岁还没结婚，你的人生就不完整。

Maybe you were told if you're not married by 30, your life's incomplete.

如果35岁还没孩子，那就太晚了。

If you haven't got kids by 35, that's really late.

现在，这些观念在你脑海中挥之不去，影响着你的潜意识。

And now those times play on your mind and play on your subconscious.

你的身体处于紧张状态。

Your body stressed out.

你感到焦虑。

You're feeling anxious.

你的心跳加速了。

Your heart's beating fast.

我采访了关系教练奎宁·沃尔索尔，她说，你饿的时候绝对不要去购物。

I interviewed Quinlan Walthor, who's a relationship coach, and she said, you should never go shopping when you're hungry.

同样地，当你感到匮乏、觉得自己一无所有时，也不该去约会。

And in the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving, when you're feeling like you don't have anything.

想想看，如果你饿着肚子去超市，你会做出哪些决定。

Think about all the decisions you would make if you went to the grocery store and you were starving.

你会把所有东西都买下来。

You'd buy everything.

那些东西很可能对你并不健康。

It probably wouldn't even be good for you.

而且你很可能买得过多。

And you'd probably overbuy.

你很可能花销过度。

You'd probably overspend.

当我们处于匮乏的状态时，就会做出错误的决定。

We make mistakes when we come from a place of lack.

但你接着对我说，杰，我该怎么彻底放手去爱呢？

But then you're saying to me, Jay, how am I meant to go full shopping?

就像在感情中，我该怎么做到这一点？

Like how do I do that in love?

当我一直在寻找 someone 来爱我时，我该怎么感受到内心的丰盈？

How am I meant to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone to love me?

这说得通吗？

How does that make sense?

这时候，第四个原则就派上用场了。

Well, that's where principle four comes in.

那就是神经系统的相容性。

It's nervous system compatibility.

这可能是最重要的原则。

Now this might be the most important principle.

你的神经系统在你的大脑之前就已经选好了伴侣。

Your nervous system is choosing your partners before your mind does.

根据多迷走神经理论的研究，人类会潜意识地被那些神经系统感觉熟悉的人吸引，而不一定是健康的人。

According to research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy.

这就是为什么混乱会让人感觉像化学反应，而平静却会让人觉得无聊。

That's why chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring.

以下是残酷的真相。

Here's the hard truth.

许多人吸引的并不是爱本身。

Many people aren't attracted to love.

他们吸引的是神经系统已经熟悉的东西。

They are attracted to what their nervous system already knows.

因此，吸引爱意味着要重新训练你的身体，使其能够承受一致性、可预测性和情感安全。

So manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability, and emotional safety.

约会后，问问自己：我感到平静还是失调？

After a date, ask yourself: Do I feel regulated or dysregulated?

平静还是焦虑？

Calm or anxious?

稳定还是紧张？

Grounded or on edge?

爱不是由蝴蝶效应证明的。

Love isn't proven by butterflies.

爱是由你与对方互动后身体的感受来证明的。

It's proven by how your body feels after the interaction.

让我感到有趣的是，我们中有多少人低估了神经系统实际上是如何吸引我们走向某人的。

What's fascinating to me is how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is actually attracting us to someone.

如果你一直处于恐惧状态，你会被同样处于恐惧状态的人吸引，因为那种感觉很熟悉，尽管对你并不好。

If you're always in a fear based state, you're going to be attracted to people in a fear based state because it feels familiar even though it's not good for you.

如果你一直处于焦虑状态，你会被同样处于焦虑状态的人吸引，或者被那些制造更多焦虑的人吸引，因为那种感觉很熟悉，但对你并不好。

If you're always in an anxiety based state, you're going to attract someone who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you.

记住，你可能会爱上一个对你并不好的人，因为他们让你的神经系统在恐惧和焦虑中感到熟悉。

Remember, you can fall in love with someone who isn't good for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar in the fear and anxiety.

在你选择自我调节并超越这种状态之前，你无法连接到更高的频率。

Until you choose to regulate and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able to connect with a higher frequency.

而我们往往会迷失，对吧？

And we get lost, right?

我们以为，只要我拥有了清单上的一切，清楚知道自己想要什么，足够清醒，这就是吸引爱的方式。

We think it's all about if I have everything on the list, if I know exactly what I want, if I'm really aware, that's what we think manifesting love is.

但你能注意到，我分享的这些观点与那种吸引爱的方式有多远吗？

But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing are from that form of manifestation?

那几乎就像是空想。

That's almost like wishful thinking.

它更像是想象，是梦境的运作。

It's like imagination, it's dream works.

但真正去行动、真正实现生活的转变、真正改变和提升自己，以便与正确的能量和频率建立连接，会产生巨大的影响。

But to actually do the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency makes a massive difference.

如果我们处于对齐状态，就会遇到更多与我们对齐的人。

If we're aligned, then we're gonna meet people that are more aligned.

从某种精神或心理角度来看，这并不协调。

And that's not aligned from some spiritual mental perspective.

这归结为你对神经系统的选择与调节。

It comes down to your regulation of your nervous system.

第五个原则是关于标准与防御的区别。

Principle five is all about standards versus defenses.

我们来谈谈界限。

Let's talk about boundaries.

研究表明，清晰而平静的界限能提升关系中的尊重，而防御性则会削弱连接。

Research shows that clear calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection.

标准与自我防御之间的区别在这里。

Here is the difference between a standard and defending yourself.

标准说的是：这是我所珍视的。

Standards say this is what I value.

防御说的是：这是我所害怕的。

Defense says, this is what I'm afraid of.

防御机制会把人推远。

Defenses push people away.

标准则会吸引对的人靠近。

Standards invite the right people closer.

但这里有一件非常有趣的事。

But here's what's fascinating.

我们非常害怕听起来像在为自己辩护，所以在关系初期，我们会降低自己的标准。

We are so scared that we sound like we are defending ourselves that in the early stages of a relationship, we will lower our standards.

我们会取消界限。

We will remove boundaries.

我们会任由别人践踏自己，因为我们不想把他们推远。

We'll let someone walk right over us because we don't want to push them away.

那我们该怎么做呢？

So what do we do?

以下是它的运作方式。

Here's how it works.

有人请你做某件事。

Someone asks you to do something.

这违反了你的界限，但你还是做了，因为你心想：我喜欢他们。

It's breaking a boundary of yours, but you do it anyway because you think well, I like them.

他们也喜欢我。

They like me.

我们就凑合着过吧。

Let's just make it work.

两个月后、三个月后，甚至两年后，你终于说：现在我需要设立这个界限了，因为我们彼此更了解了。

Two months in three months in maybe even two years in sometimes you say now I need to set this boundary now that we know each other better.

你现在设立了这个界限，对方却说：你为什么以前不提这个界限？

You now set that boundary and that person goes, well, why didn't you send this boundary before?

我以前从来没听过这个。

I've never heard this before.

我没想到这对你这么重要。

I didn't realize that was important to you.

我们总是表现得好像他们在攻击我们。

We make it out like they're attacking us.

所以我们是在自我防卫。

So we're defending ourselves.

不，这个我真的很害怕。

No, this one I'm afraid of.

不，我不希望事情变成这样。

No, I don't want it to be like this.

不，我不希望。

No, I don't.

不，这并没有表达出你重视的东西。

No, no, It's not saying what you value.

这并没有体现出对你来说重要的事。

It's not saying what's important to you.

我记得当拉迪和我刚开始约会时，她总是对我说，对我来说，能在家人生日、庆祝日和周末陪伴他们真的非常重要。

I remember when Radhee and I first started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays, on celebration days, on the weekends like that's really really important to me.

我总是对她说，对我来说，做我的服务非常重要。

And I'd always say to her it's really important to me that I'm doing my service.

我外出花时间与人们交流，分享见解和智慧。

I'm out there spending time with people sharing insights, sharing wisdom.

我没有对她说，我害怕如果和你在一起，我就没法做这些事。

I wasn't saying to her I'm scared that if I'm with you I won't get to do that.

她也没有对你说，我害怕如果你在做那些事，我就没法做我的事。

And she wasn't saying to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I won't get to do this.

如果有人尊重你，你的界限会让他们更靠近你。

If someone respects you, your boundaries will bring them closer.

如果有人不尊重你，你设立界限会让他们远离你。

If someone doesn't respect you, you setting a boundary will push them away.

设立界限是判断一个人是否真正爱你、尊重你的好方法。

Setting a boundary is a great way to know whether someone truly loves you and respects you or whether they don't.

我想让你记住这一点。

Here's what I want you to remember.

吸引爱并不意味着降低标准来逃避孤独。

Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering standards to avoid loneliness.

这意味着提升自尊，让你无需去追逐。

It means raising self respect so you don't have to chase.

我认为，当我们思考标准和界限时，往往会宣称：我不能接受低于这个的标准。

I think when we think about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no, won't accept less than this.

不，这才是我应得的。

No, this is what I deserve.

你有这样的感受没问题。

That's fine for you to feel that.

但你向他人传达这一点的方式必须是对方能够接受、理解和消化的。

But the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable.

分享你的价值，将其作为你的优先事项，作为对你重要的事物，远比以让对方感到必须重视它的方式去分享更有价值。

Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something that is important to you is far more valuable than sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that they have to value it.

这才是关键。

This is the key.