结束一段关系前必问的首要问题（本集将为你带来期待已久的清晰答案！）

这是一档iHeart播客节目。

This is an iHeart podcast.

人们只会在准备好的时候改变，而非因你乞求而改变。人们只会在自身模式伤害到自己时改变，而不仅是因为伤害了你。人们只会在被现实击垮时改变，而非因他人施压而改变。人们只会在付出代价时改变，而不仅是你付出代价。人们只会为自己改变——不为你的期望，不为你的时间表，不为你的痛苦。

People change when they're ready, not when you beg. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People change when it costs them something, not just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, not for your pain.

头号健康与养生播客。杰伊·谢蒂。杰伊·谢蒂。

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

独一无二的杰伊·谢蒂。嘿。

The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey.

大家好么？欢迎回到《On Purpose》节目。我是杰伊·谢蒂。衷心感谢每一位已订阅的听众。若你尚未订阅，点击订阅按钮确保不错过任何一期节目，这对我意义重大。

How's it going? Welcome back to On Purpose. It's Jay Shetty. I am so grateful to each and every one of you who've already subscribed. And if you haven't, it would mean the world to me if you click that button to make sure you never miss out on an episode.

我们相聚于此都是为了变得更快乐、更健康、更完整。如果你正走在灵性成长或个人提升的旅程上，这里就是你的归宿。今天这期节目将探讨我们都面临的困境——有多少人认识那种让你看到潜力，却因他们未能发挥而令你痛心的人？有多少人真心想改变身边亲近之人？

We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed. If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your personal growth journey, this is the right place to be. This episode today is about something that we all struggle with. How many of you know someone, you see their potential, and when they don't live up to it, you feel pain. How many of you really want to change someone who's close to you?

可能是父母、家人或伴侣。又有多少人正在或曾经身处这样的关系——你不断试图推动伴侣进步升级，却始终徒劳无功？这期节目就是为你准备的，关于当人们拒绝改变时我们该如何应对。我曾读到改变我人生的箴言：人们从不通过言语显露本质，而是通过行为模式展现真我。留心观察。

Could be a parent, a family member, a partner. And how many of you have been in relationships or are in one right now where you're constantly trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and up level, but it just doesn't seem to happen? This episode is for you and is all about what to do when people don't change. I read a quote that changed my life. It said, people don't reveal themselves through their words.

太多人只听其言却不见其行，太多人关注外表却忽视表现，太多人被他人待客之道迷惑却疏于审视对方如何待己。

People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention. So many of us listen to what people say, but we don't watch what they do. So many of us look at how people look but not how they show up. So many of us get carried away by how people treat others but don't look it closely at how they treat us.

观察行为模式，你才能真正了解一个人。忽视行为模式，你将永远沉迷于虚幻的潜力。人即行为模式的集合。我们皆是如此。是的，人们可以改变模式，但如你我所知，这需要漫长时光。

Observe patterns and you will know the person. Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential. People are patterns. We all are. And yes, people can change their patterns, but as you know and I know, patterns take a long time to change.

若你每日通勤路线数年不变，改变需要多久？若你连续数年早餐麦片从不更换，改变又需多久？这些尚且是物理层面可调整之事。而那些根植于我们思维、潜意识中的深层模式，往往需要颠覆性的人生事件才能重塑轨迹——这个过程有时极其痛苦。

If you drive to work on the same route every day, how long will it take you to change it up? If you've had the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how long will it take you to change it? Those are physical things that may even be changeable. But the patterns that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious and our thoughts require life altering events often to set us on a new track. And that can sometimes be an extremely painful process.

今天我想分享的第一点是：对潜力的幻想其实是你自身伤痛的投射。这听起来很残酷，但请耐心听我说。当你迷恋一个人的潜力时，你往往爱上的是只存在于你想象中的版本，或者更糟——是你童年未满足的需求。想想那个你总想'拯救'的人，然后问自己：我究竟想通过他们来填补自己哪方面的空缺？清醒认知就从这里开始。

The first point I want to share with you today is the illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but stay with me. When you fall for someone's potential, you're often falling for a version of them that only exists in your imagination or worse in your unfinished childhood needs. Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself, what unmet need in me is trying to be met through them? Clarity starts there.

我们容忍他人恶劣对待，是因为渴望联结；我们接受刻薄言语，是因为害怕孤独；我们任人践踏底线，是因为不懂自我捍卫。但这样做不会改变他们，只会让我们迷失自我。人们只会在准备好的时候改变，而非在你乞求之时。

We let people treat us badly because we crave connection. We let people talk to us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let people walk all over us because we don't know how to stand for ourself. But when we do those things, we don't change them, we lose ourselves. People change when they're ready, not when you beg.

人们因自身行为模式受伤才会改变，而非仅仅因为你痛苦；因现实打击而醒悟，而非他人施压；因付出代价而转变，而非因你牺牲。改变永远是为了他们自己，不是为你的期待、你的时间表或你的伤痛。当你看清某人行为模式时，关键问题是：若这个模式永不改变，我是否还愿意留在这里？

People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People change when it costs them something, not just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, not for your pain. When you realize that you can see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself is, am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same?

如果他们声称想改变，我愿意继续陪伴吗？我们常轻易答应，但他们真的在改变吗？他们明确表达过改变意愿吗？展示过具体计划吗？做出过改变承诺吗？

Am I willing to be present if they say they want to change? Often we say yes, but they're changing. Have they said they want to change? Have they showed you a plan? Have they committed to change?

或许你看到些微小变化，但除非他们亲口承认、明确表述、与你沟通确认，否则你仍活在幻想中。我知道你现在想：杰，那如果是家人或伴侣怎么办？首先必须判断：若涉及虐待、毒性关系或情感操控，你必须严肃对待。但如果你听着这些心想'我只是不确定...'

You may see small changes, but unless they vocalize this, unless they verbalize it, unless they've communicated it with you, you're still living in imagination. Now I know you're thinking Jay, what do I do when it's my family? What do I do when it's my partner? The first thing you have to look at is if it's abusive or toxic or highly emotionally manipulative, you've got to take a look at that very seriously. But if you're someone who is listening and saying, Jay, it's just I'm not sure.

'真希望他们能这样做，一切就会不同'——那你必须自问：你愿意容忍和等待的限度在哪里？在这个过程中你失去了多少自我？只有你自己知道答案。

I really wish they would do this. It would make a difference. You have to ask yourself how much you're willing to tolerate and be patient. You have to ask yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process. Only you know that.

第二点：相信行为，而非言语。如果有人屡次不尊重你的时间、在困境中消失或突破边界，那就是他们的本质。如果你期待伴侣变得更有同理心或更沉稳，他们或许会这样说——但你实际看到的是什么？他们做了什么？

Step number two, believe what they do, not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, disappears during hard moments or break boundaries, that's who they are. So if you're hoping for your partner to become more empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is they may say those things. But what are you seeing? What are they doing?

他们如何行动？因为我们太感性，当对方说出动听话时，难道不是瞬间心花怒放，暗自想着：我等的就是这句话！我盼的就是这句话！但真相是：你等的不是他们的承诺——

What are they acting? Because we're so emotional and sentimental, when someone says the right thing, don't you just light up inside and you almost think to yourself, I've just been waiting for you to say that. I've just been wishing for you to say that. I've been wanting for you to say that. But the reality is you're not waiting for them to say that.

你等的是他们的行动证明。这才是重点。剔除行为模式中的幻想，希望不是策略。不要关注承诺，要关注行为模式。

You're waiting for them to show that. That's what we have to focus on. Subtract patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises, focus on patterns.

如果有人屡次不尊重你，那就是他们的本质——至少现阶段如此。如果有人在困难时刻消失，那就是他们的本质。如果有人突破你的边界却称之为爱，那就是他们的本质。如果有人说谎自保而非守护你的信任，那就是他们的本质。

If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who they are. At least for now. If someone disappears when things get hard, that's who they are. If someone breaks your boundaries and calls it love, that's who they are. If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's who they are.

如果有人让你质疑自我价值，那就是他们的本性。如果只在需要时才出现，那就是他们的本性。如果有人因你有标准而让你觉得自己疯了，那就是他们的本性。如果不断道歉却从不改变，那就是他们的本性。如果期待你宽容却对你毫不宽容，那就是他们的本性。

If someone makes you question your worth, that's who they are. If someone only shows up when they need something, that's who they are. If someone makes you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are. If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are. If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who they are.

他们可以改变，但前提是他们愿意。我们总在合理化他人的不良行为。不去看行为模式，反而说'但他们这方面很棒'，'他们这方面很出色'。没错，人总是具有两面性。

They can change, but only if they want to. A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior. Instead of looking at the patterns, we say, but they're great at this, But they're wonderful in this way. That's true. People are always two things.

人可以具备多重特质。但我们必须警惕不要长期牺牲自我。我见过太多人十年后幡然醒悟：'我迷失了自我，不知道自己是谁，失去了身份认同'。

They can be so many things. But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves for too long. I know too many people who've done this and ten years later they say I've lost myself. I don't know who I am. I don't have an identity.

必须衡量我们有多不接纳对方的真实模样。第三步可能难以接受，但我必须坦诚：别把控制欲错当爱。试图改变他人常被误认为关怀，实则多是隐性控制。

We have to measure how extremely we're not accepting someone for who they are. Step number three. This is going to be a hard one to take in, but I have to be honest with you. Stop mistaking your control for love. Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's usually covert control.

你试图管理他们的混乱，只为逃避对被抛弃/失望/不确定性的恐惧。梅洛迪·贝蒂在关于依赖症的奠基著作中指出：'你无法强迫他人改变本性，只能爱其本来面目或离开'。下次想改变他人时，先自问：'这是为他们好，还是为缓解我的不适？'这本质是控制，尽管可能是无意识的。

You're trying to manage their chaos so you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment or uncertainty. Melody Beattie in her foundational work on codependency explains, You can't force someone to be who they're not. You can only love them where they are or leave. Next time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause and ask, am I doing this for them or to soothe my discomfort with their behavior? It's a form of control and again, it could be unconscious.

你或许真心在乎。但深层动机是自我关怀——不想体验令他们失望的情绪，不想承受设立界限的煎熬，不愿面对他人不喜欢你的感受。

You could really care. But underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down. You don't want to have to experience the emotion of setting boundaries. You don't want to have to experience the emotion of someone not liking you.

于是你选择扭曲自我，同时改造对方，只为维持表面和谐，实则双方从未真正相识。举例来说，当你说'如果你更条理/专注就能更成功'时，你真正想治愈的是自己对财务的焦虑——你试图通过他人来解决自己的金钱问题。

So you'd rather shape shift, mold and change them in the process as well in order for both of you to have a peaceful situation when it's actually a situation where you don't know each other. Let me give you an example. When you're trying to change someone, you're saying to them, hey, if you were more organized, if you were more focused, you could be more successful. What you're trying to heal is your personal issue with finances. Trying to heal your personal issue with money, but you're trying to do it through them.

并非说不需要双方共同奋斗。但关键在于：对方正在展示真实自我。若你追求共同责任，他们或许并非良配。我们常沉迷于他人的才智、谈吐、气场、魅力，却忘了现实生活——查看账户余额、支付账单、朝夕相处的日常。

Now I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn, you may be in a situation where you require both people in your life to go and make money. But the point is that person is showing you who they are, they're showing you where they're at. And they might not be a good partner for you if you're looking for mutual responsibility. So much of the time we get enamored by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality, that we forget what real life looks like. Real life looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills, waking up next to someone and going to sleep next to someone.

现实是疲惫归家时对方同样倦怠，是无话可聊时的沉默，是等待假期时的琐碎规划。你想要的终身伴侣，是能共度平凡日常而不仅是幻想时刻的人。请保留这个思考，插播赞助信息后我们继续。

Real life looks like coming home when you're bored and tired and so are they. Real life looks like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation. Who do you want to be in your life for the real things, not just the imaginative ones? Hold that thought, just a quick message from our sponsors, and then we'll jump back in.

大家好，我是杰·谢蒂。很高兴宣布我们在苹果播客推出全新订阅服务！想要更多人生目标、灵感、工具和深度内容？现在订阅即可解锁嘉宾独家内容。别担心，主节目依然免费。但如果你想深度参与并支持节目，这就是为你准备的。点击苹果播客'免费试用'，加入我们不断壮大的目标驱动型听众社区吧！

Hey, it's Jay Shetty, and I'm so excited to share we're launching a brand new subscription on Apple Podcasts. That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration, more tools, more depth, you now have the option to subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. And don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone. But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper and support the show, this is for you. Just hit try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community of purpose driven listeners.

我迫不及待想让你看看。好了，我们回来了，直接进入正题。第四步是：彻底接纳不等于放弃。

I can't wait for you to check it out. Okay. We're back. Let's dive right back in. Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation.

这是尊重哲学。辩证行为疗法（DBT）与佛教都有这样的理解。由玛莎·莱恩汉博士提出的DBT概念'彻底接纳'，是指完全接受现实本来的样子，而非我们期待的样子。说实话，我们大多数问题都源于'期待的生活'与'实际生活'之间的落差。

It's respect philosophy. Dialectical behavior therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have this understanding. Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Doctor. Marsha Linehan, is about fully accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it were. To be honest, most of our problems exist because of how we want life to be and how life actually is.

这两者之间的差距就是你感受到的痛苦程度。如果你期待生活是这样，但实际却是那样，这个落差就是你承受的压力、痛苦和焦虑。有人会说：那我降低期待？不，我们不要'期待'。

The gap between those two is the amount of pain you experience. If you want life to feel like this but it actually looks like this, that gap is the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety you feel. So people just say, wait, do I lower my expectations? No. We don't want expectations.

我们要体验现实才能做出更好选择。如果我走进餐厅体验食物，自然知道是否要再来。但如果带着高期待，可能十次有九次失望；带着低期待，所谓的惊喜也可能失真——因为低标准下你什么都会接受。

We want to experience reality so we can make better choices. If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food, I know whether I wanna go back. But if I go there with high expectations, it may not meet nine. Or if I go there with low expectations, I may be impressed, but that impressed may not be accurate. Because I may be impressed because I had low expectations, so I'll accept whatever I get.

对吧？当你饿着肚子进餐厅会觉得'天哪这里太棒了'，等不太饿时再去就会发觉'好像没记忆中那么好'——这种体验你肯定有过。

Right? When you're hungry and you walk into a restaurant, you go, oh my gosh, this place is amazing. And then you go back when you're kind of hungry and you're like, oh wait, it's not as good as I remembered. Right? You've been there before.

关键不在于期待高低，而在于真实体验。如实体验后你可以决定：'其实我不喜欢这里，不会再来'，或是'这里太棒了，疲惫时来，饥饿时来，约会时也来'。

We do that because it's not about low or high expectations, it's about experiencing something properly. If you experience it, you could go, actually, I didn't love this place, I'm not coming back. Or I love this place, it's amazing, I come back when I'm tired. I come back when I'm hungry. I come back when I'm on a date.

家人聚会也来。明白吗？你要弄清它真正的价值。不是说'这样也行'，而是承认'这就是现状'。

I come back when I'm with family. Right? You figure out what it's actually for. It's not about saying this is okay. It's saying this is what is.

然后我有权选择如何回应。了解对方的创伤不是忍受无礼的理由，证明自己有爱心不必接受虐待，看到潜力也不构成留下的义务。你可以原谅一个人，同时选择离开。

And I get to choose how I respond. You don't have to tolerate disrespect just because you know their trauma. You don't have to accept mistreatment to prove you're loving. You don't have to stay just because you see their potential. You can forgive someone and still walk away.

你能看见对方的好，依然为自己做更好选择；理解他人的痛苦，同时守护自己的平静。不必为伤害你的行为找借口。包容不意味着任人践踏，包容不意味着任人占便宜。

You can see the good in them and still choose better for yourself. You can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you.

包容更不意味着接受侮辱。它意味着你认清现状，在决定去留前暂时承受——是留下经历还是离开，在厘清状况前暂时忍耐。我们为什么留下？因为害怕孤独。

Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you. It means you understand this is what it is and you tolerate until you make your decision to stay or go, to be here and live through it or leave. You tolerate while you're figuring it out. Why do we stay? We stay because we're scared of being alone.

或者我们留下是因为希望对方会改变。这两种选择都不理想。如果我们仅仅因为害怕孤独而留下，就是在为自己制造更多痛苦。若因期待对方改变而留下，同样会带来更多痛苦。那么，当你知道某人能够改变、当你希望某人改变时，你该怎么做？

Or we stay because we're hoping they'll change. Both of those are not great options. If we're staying just because we don't want to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain. And if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create more pain. So what do you do when you know someone can change, when you want someone to change?

首先，你当然可以尝试引导他们接触有助于改变的事物。你或许能看到他们的潜力，但必须询问他们是否也看到了这种潜力。我记得刚开始与Radhi约会甚至结婚时，我能预见她会成为什么样的人。后来我意识到这种想法多么自私——那其实是我自身不安全感或想象的投射，表面看似无私，实则自私。

First, you can definitely try to introduce them to things that will help them change. You may see their potential, but you have to ask them if they see that potential. I remember when I started dating Radhi and even when we got married, I could see who she could become. And then I realized how selfish that was, how it was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination, and how it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It was selfish.

如果我真为对方着想且爱他们，就该问他们想成为怎样的人、想去哪里、想做什么。这才是爱，才是无私。但如果是有人不做家务、不承担责任、不履行义务、在家不帮忙这类行为问题——他们可能永远不会改变。而你需要决定是否愿意接受这种状态。

If I really want what's right for someone and if I love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be, where they want to be and what they want to be. That's love. That's selflessness. But now if it's behavior where someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's not taking accountability, someone doesn't help out at home, They may never change that. And it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to live in that space.

我理解，离开很难，放手很难。我们做过很多期相关节目。但你必须意识到这就是你选择的生活。这就像订阅服务，但那些隐藏条款和小字说明你事后才会发现，对吧？

And I get it, leaving is hard, letting go is hard. And we've done plenty of episodes on that. But you have to realize that this is what you're signing up for. It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure out the hidden language and the small print afterwards. Right?

我们订阅时没人会细读小字说明。注册时只是输入邮箱登录、勾选同意，从未真正思考过。我们在感情中也这样，事后才体会到那些小字条款，然后感到失望。请务必阅读细则。

None of us read the small print when we subscribe to something. When we sign up to something, you just put in your email and you log in, you tick the box, you never really think it through. We do the same in relationships, but then we experience the small print afterwards. And then we feel let down. Read the small print.

要读懂字里行间的含义。接受事情的本质。第五点：你不是他们的镜子，而是他们的环境。皮格马利翁效应与环境制约的对比。

Read in between the lines. Take it for what it is. Point number five. You're not their mirror, you're their environment. The Pygmalion effect versus the environmental conditioning.

是的，人们会朝着期望努力——但前提是他们愿意。皮格马利翁效应表明，当明确传达高期望时人们表现更好，但这需要双方共同投入。你不是雕塑家，而是土壤。你可以提供养分，但不能强迫植物生长。如果他们拒绝阳光，你的照耀只会灼伤他们。

Yes, people rise to expectations, but only if they want to. The Pygmalion effect shows that people perform better when high expectations are clearly communicated, but this only works when there's mutual investment. You're not a sculptor, you're the soil. You can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow. If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them.

所以你能提供支持，但无法促成转变。除非对方允许，否则你无法成为谁的导师、向导或老师。我发现人们更多是通过周围人改变，而非听从说教。如果你身边都是成功人士，你自然想变得优秀；如果周围人都注重健康，你也会开始关心健康。

So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation. You can't be someone's guru, you can't be someone's guide, you can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be. And what I've seen is that people change more by the people around them than by someone telling them what to do. If you're around a group of high achievers, you feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around a group of people who take care of their health, you feel like taking care of your health.

如果你身边尽是八卦说闲话的人，你也会如此。我们深受周围人的影响。若真想改变自己或他人，关键是要改变他们所处的圈子。不是告诉他们该怎么做，不是给他们发文章。

If you're around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively about others, you gossip and talk negatively about others. We are so defined by the people that we're around. If you really want to change yourself and you really want to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around. It's not about telling them the right thing to do. It's not about sending them articles.

不是教育他们。而是带他们进入新环境，让他们亲身体验。改变就是这样发生的。而现实是，有时最充满爱的选择往往是放手。

It's not about educating them. It's about taking them to another space, allowing them to experience that. That's where change occurs. That's how change happens. And the reality is, sometimes the most loving choice is often to let go.

有时，最深层的爱是说出：我现在清楚地看见你，并以慈悲心放手。《积极心理学杂志》研究表明，采用‘脱离应对’策略（即放下无法改变的人或境遇）的人，比那些持续试图修正的人拥有更高的幸福感和更低的抑郁水平。人不是供你修正的，不是供你解决的，也不是供你改变的。

Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying, I see you clearly now and I release you with compassion. Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people who practice disengagement coping, letting go of unchangeable people or situations, report higher well-being and less depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are not yours to fix. People are not yours to solve. People are not yours to change.

与其不尊重对方，不如先保持距离。若距离无效，便彻底断开。我们常带着评判、批评和抱怨靠近他人，结果却适得其反。鲁米曾问：可知人为何愤怒时高声叫喊？因为当你与某人争执时，你们的身体虽近在咫尺。

Instead of disrespecting them, first start with distance. And if distance doesn't work, then disconnect. Often we stay close to people with judgement, with criticism, with complaining only to make us far away from them anyway. Rumi once asked, Do you know why people shout when they're angry? Because when you're angry and you're fighting with someone, you're physically close to them.

鲁米说我们呐喊是因为心灵相距甚远。即使身体紧贴，情感上却可能遥远到需要吼叫才能传达信息。但无人因被呵斥而改变，无人因被抱怨而转变。人们改变，只因意识到不改变生活将分崩离析。

Rumi said we shout because our hearts are far apart. Even though we're physically close to someone, we can be emotionally so far that we're shouting to get the message across. But no one has ever changed because someone shouted at them. No one has ever changed because someone complained to them. People changed when they realized that if they didn't, their life would fall apart.

本期我想分享的核心认知是：关系本质上是艰难且充满挑战的。有时我们对他人该成为什么样子的期待完全不切实际。最终往往发现，与其试图改变对方，不如直接建立联结，反而能避免更多问题。因此在任何关系（职场/个人/爱情）中，必须分清优先级与偏好项。

What I want to share with you in this episode truly is recognizing and understanding that relationships are difficult. Relationships are challenging. And sometimes our expectations of others and what we want them to be or who we want them to be are completely unrealistic. And what ends up happening is that we create more issues in trying to change the other person than we would if we just connected with them. This is why in any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you need to know what are your priorities and what are your preferences.

优先级是绝不让步的底线，偏好项则是锦上添花的存在。我们必须明白人也会经历季节更迭——你可能与自信者结婚，却与破碎者离婚；可能与温柔者相恋，却与铁石心肠者分手。

Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with. And your preferences are things that are nice to have, but may not always be there. We have to realize that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident, but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving but break up with someone who's hard hearted.

你可能爱着慈悲之人却信任评判之徒。人们往我们不希望的方向改变的概率，远大于顺应我们期待的改变。唯一可控的决定是：我还想靠近吗？我还愿停留吗？我能保持耐心与宽容吗？

You could love someone who's compassionate believe someone who's judgmental. People change in ways we don't want them to more than they change in the ways we want them to. The only decision under our control is do I want to be close? Do I still want to be here? Can I be patient and tolerant?

还是正在迷失自我？专注于可控之事：你的感受、你的行动、你的去留——这才是你真正掌权的领域。集中精力于此。

Or am I losing myself? Focus on what you can control, which is how you feel, what you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what you're in charge of. That's what you have power over. Focus on that.

衷心感谢今日的聆听。录制这些内容让我充满喜悦，每位观看、分享、留言的你们都是我深深的感激。请务必将本期内容传递给需要的人，在TikTok和Instagram分享你的感悟。

Thank you so much for listening to today. I love recording these episodes. I am so grateful to each and every one of you that watches and shares and comments. Please make sure you pass this on to someone who could really benefit from it. Share your insights on TikTok and Instagram about what you're learning.

我珍视每一条互动贴文，常在Instagram转发它们。真诚希望这些内容能助你疗愈，过上更美好更有意义的生活——这正是我的承诺。

I love seeing the posts. I love engaging with them. You'll even see me share them on Instagram. And I really, really truly hope that this is helping you heal and live a better, more meaningful life. I'm committed to that.

我永远站在你们这边，永远为你们加油。若喜欢本期，你会爱上我对茱莉·史密斯博士的专访：《解锁负面情绪：如何接纳艰难感受》。

And I'm forever in your corner. And I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Doctor. Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace difficult feelings.

你必须每天都保持干劲。如果没有，那你到底在做什么？实际上人类并非如此运作。对待动力要像对待其他情绪一样——有些日子它会出现，有些日子则不会。

You've just got to be motivated every day. And if you're not, then what are you doing? And actually humans don't work that way. Motivation, you have to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it will be there, some days it won't.

这里是iHeart播客。

This is an iHeart podcast.