厌倦了单方面付出的友谊？（6个信号告诉你何时该放手）

这里是iHeart播客，我是《On Purpose》节目的Jay Shetty。如果你曾感到失衡，有时换个环境就是最好的重启。达美航空邀请四位创作者探索一个理念：如果旅行不仅是移动，而是在行进中充电呢？结果如何？

This is an iHeart podcast. Is Jay Shetty from On Purpose. If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset. Delta invited four creators to explore one idea: what if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? And the results?

根据他们的Oura Ring睡眠评分，每个人醒来时都感觉更精神焕发，而这种清晰感在旅程结束后仍持续良久。搭乘达美航空，飞得更好，活得更好。完整旅程尽在达美航空YouTube频道。划掉待办事项清单上的项目是保持头脑清醒的好方法，这就是为什么State Farm保险代理人会帮你选择适合的保险方案。

Based on their Oura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested, and a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip. With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great way to keep your mind clear. That's why a State Farm agent is there to help you choose a coverage option that's right for you.

当你人生中购置新房、汽车、游艇、摩托车甚至房车时，为它们提供保护总是明智之举。无论你喜欢面对面、电话还是通过获奖应用沟通，State Farm都会守护对你重要的东西。众多保险方案中，有人帮你找到最合适的真好。如同好邻居，State Farm随时相伴。本期《On Purpose》由Chase Sapphire Reserve赞助播出。

As you go through life getting that new house, car, boat, motorcycle, or even RV, helping protect it is always a good idea. Whether you prefer talking in person, on the phone, or on the award winning app, State Farm is there to help protect what's important to you. And with so many coverage options, it's nice having help to find what fits for you. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve.

我相信旅行是我们收到过最美好的礼物之一，而Chase Sapphire Reserve就是我通往世界迷人目的地的大门。使用该卡通过Chase Travel消费可获得8倍积分，还能专享音乐节、体育赛事等独特体验，更不用说凭卡进入全美精选机场的Sapphire Lounge贵宾厅。相信我，Chase Sapphire Reserve让旅行更超值。

I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given, and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel, and even access to one of a kind experiences, experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me.

详情访问chase.com/sapphirereserve。卡片由摩根大通银行发行。FDIC承保。需信用审批。条款适用。

Discover more at chase.com/sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank NA. FDIC. Subject to credit approval. Terms apply.

虚伪的朋友要你违心说好，真正的朋友尊重你的拒绝——他们更在乎你的安宁而非自己的计划。虚伪的朋友强求认同，真正的朋友珍视诚实——真相比舒适更重要。虚伪的朋友渴求你的认可。

Fake friends want you to say yes even when your soul is screaming no. Real friends respect your no because they care more about your peace than their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently. Real friends want your honesty because truth matters more than comfort. Fake friends need your validation.

真正的朋友经得起你的质疑。因为虚伪的朋友只忠于你的顺从，而真正的朋友，他们忠于你的本真。健康与幸福类播客第一名。Jay Jay Shetty。

Real friends can handle your challenge. Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance. But real friends, they're loyal to your authenticity. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Jay Shetty.

独一无二的杰·谢蒂。大家好，欢迎回到《On Purpose》节目。我是主持人杰·谢蒂，非常感谢你们今天的参与。无论你正在做饭、遛狗、健身，还是在上下班通勤路上，我都非常感激你与我共度这段时光。

The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty, and I'm so grateful that you've joined me today. Whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're at the gym, whether you're commuting to or from work, I'm so thankful that you're spending this time with me.

记得订阅频道，这样你就永远不会错过任何一集节目。现在我觉得自己到了重新讨论友谊话题的年纪。十几岁时我们常谈论朋友，而此刻我正经历着这样的阶段：有些朋友觉得被其他朋友辜负了，有些人感觉对方没有为自己付出，还有人开始看清某些人的真面目。

Make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you never ever miss an episode. Now I feel like I'm at that age where the conversation around friendships is back. I feel like we talked a lot about friends when we were in our teens and I'm at that point in my life right now where I know that some of my friends are feeling a bit screwed over by other friends. Other friends are feeling like people are not showing up for them. Other people are starting to figure out who people really are.

这很奇妙——当你与某人相识十年、十五年，甚至更短时间后，突然开始思考：这个人真是朋友吗？他们是伪装的吗？是否怀有不同目的？别有动机？另有企图？

And it's strange when you've had someone in your life for ten years, fifteen years, maybe even less than that, when you start to think about was this person ever really a friend? Were they a fake friend? Did they have different agendas? Did they have different motives? Did they have different intentions?

我们当初是怎么成为朋友的？等等，我为何会信任这个人？如果你曾有过这些疑问，本期节目就是为你准备的，因为我要剖析真假朋友间的微妙区别。事实上没有人是完全虚伪或真实的，关键在于他们如何对待我们。

How did we even connect? Wait a minute. Why did I trust this person? If you've ever had any of those questions before, this episode is for you because I'm gonna break down the subtle signs between real and fake friends. Now the truth is no one's a fake person or a real person, it's just how they are with us.

有时你会发现某人对别人很好，却对你不够友善。所以这不是评判整个人，而是关于你目睹的行为模式、亲身体验的模式，从而学会保护自己，建立更强大的过滤机制和更坚固的边界。第一条准则：假朋友会逼迫你答应不想做的事。重点在于观察他们如何应对你的拒绝——假朋友会生闷气、疏远你，甚至在你设定边界时进行操控。

Sometimes you'll find that someone is really good to someone else and they're not great with you. So this isn't about people as a whole, but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen, the patterns that you've experienced so that you can learn to protect yourself and have a stronger filter, have a stronger set of boundaries. So the first one is this, fake friends want you to say yes even when you want to say no. And what I want you to do is watch how they handle your no. See here's the thing, fake friends, they get sulky, they may get distant or even manipulative when you set a boundary.

真正的朋友在你拒绝时会表示尊重。他们也许会调侃你，但不会因此收回对你的爱与尊重。这背后有心理学依据：当有人尊重你的边界，说明他们具备安全型依恋。而假朋友会将限制视为拒绝。

A real friend, they'll actually respect it when you say no. Maybe they'll tease you but they don't withdraw their love or respect for you because of that. Now there's some psychology behind this. When someone respects your boundary, it's because it's tied to secure attachment. See the thing is that fake friends, they perceive limits as rejection.

比如你说'今晚十点不想出门，想早点休息'，他们会理解为'不想和你相处'。而当你设定'接下来一个月不想喝酒'这样的边界时，有些人会把这当作试探你底线的机会。关键在于，真朋友会认真倾听，但这要求他们自身具备安全型依恋的心理基础。

So when you say, hey, don't want to go out at 10PM tonight, want to get an early night. They see that as you saying, I don't want to spend time with you. Other people when they hear a boundary like, you know what, actually, I'm not sure I want to drink for the next month. They're thinking that's an invitation to see if they can get you to come out. So the challenge is that a real friend is trying to listen but it also requires them to potentially have secure attachment from their background.

所以有时候，一个人并非虚伪，也不是坏人。只是他们的心理机制使他们缺乏安全感，进而将这种不安投射到你身上。这并不意味着你必须忍受，但希望你能够理解。

So sometimes someone's not a fake person. They're not a bad person. It's just that their wiring has made them insecure and now they're projecting that insecurity onto you. Now that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but I want you to understand it.

拥有安全型依恋的人可靠却不窒息。他们会在重要时刻出现，但不需要24小时黏着你。比如你生病时会关心你，但不会要求全天候的病情汇报。真正的朋友会尊重你的边界，当你说'抱歉我可能去不了'时，他们不会用愧疚感绑架你。

See someone with secure attachment is reliable without suffocation. They show up when it matters but they don't need to be in your pocket 20 fourseven. An example is they'll check-in if you're sick, but they don't demand constant updates throughout the day. Another one from a real friend is that they'll respect your boundaries. They don't guilt you when you say things like, no, I don't think I can make it.

如果我的计划有变，他们会说'完全理解，我们改天再约，总有机会的'。这样的人能让你感到自在。你有多少次因为害怕告诉某人无法参加活动而忐忑？无论是聚会、派对还是其他场合。

My plans have changed, things have shifted. They'll be like, totally fine, we'll catch up later, we'll figure it out. It's someone who allows you to feel comfortable. How many times have you ever had it? Where you're actually scared to tell someone that you can't come to an event, a party, a gathering, whatever it is.

对方是你的朋友，是理应很了解你的人。你可能有个正当理由，也可能只是不想去——但既然是朋友，你就应该能坦诚相告。能自然地说出'今晚实在没心情'，才是真友谊的标志。

It's your friend, it's someone that you should know really well, it's someone that should understand you. And you might have a legitimate reason or you might have the worst reason, but it's your friend. You should be able to tell them. That's a clear sign that you have a real connection with someone that you can actually share, hey, you know what? I'm just not feeling it tonight.

我确实想支持你，但这周换个方式行吗？今晚真的不太方便。真正的朋友会理解。顺便说，当对方也这样做时，你同样会理解他们。

I do want to show up for you. But hey, is there another way I can show up for you this week? Tonight's just not gonna be it for me. And a good friend will understand. And by the way, you'll understand when they do the same for you.

所以真挚的友谊经得起分离。时间不会削弱纽带。多少好几个月没联系的朋友重逢时，依然默契如初？那种自然流畅的感觉，就像从未分开过。

That's why good friends, real friends, experience comfort with absence. Time apart doesn't weaken the bond. How many times have you experienced where you reconnect with a friend after months and they're good friends and that's why it's just easy. It's almost seamless. You pick up where you left off.

但不够好的朋友总会提醒你疏远：'四个月没联系我了''消息没秒回''都四个小时了才回复'。有趣的是，真正的连接本该让彼此确信：你知道我在乎你，我也知道你关心我。

But when someone's not a great friend, they remind you of that. Oh yeah, you haven't reached out to me in four months. Oh you know what, didn't reply to me immediately. Oh you know what, it's been four hours since I text you. It's a really interesting thing because the truth is, hopefully you have a connection enough that that person should know you care about them and you know they care about you.

但当这种支持被用来对付你时，问题就开始产生了。另一个至关重要的方面被称为平衡支持。他们不仅安慰你，还会挑战你成长。这是你必须允许的事情，也是你必须主动邀请的。

But when that's used against you, that's when it starts to cause issues. The other aspect of it that's really important is something known as balanced support. They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow. This is something you have to allow. It's something you have to invite.

如果每次朋友给你反馈或见解时你都拒绝，猜猜会怎样？你实际上是在拒绝他们对你说逆耳忠言。但这里存在区别：对方分享是为了让你进步？还是为了让自己显得更高明？

If every time your friend gives you feedback or your friend gives you insight and you reject it, guess what? You're actually rejecting them from saying uncomfortable things to you. Now there is a difference. Is someone sharing something with you for you to get better? Or is someone sharing something with you to look better?

有时朋友给你的反馈是为了让你进步，但有时别人给你反馈只是为了自我满足。这关乎意图和能量——我们必须学会自我审视，观察对方是否出于善意。若对方意图贬低你、掌控你，这种人我们不需要。但若为助你成长，你就该敞开心扉接纳。

Sometimes your friend will give you feedback to make you better. But sometimes someone will give you feedback to make themselves feel better. This is an intention and energy thing where we have to learn to check-in with ourselves, to check-in with them and recognize whether they're coming from a good place. If they're coming from a place of making you feel bad, to be more powerful, to control you, we don't want that kind of person in our life. But if they're coming from a place for you to grow, for you to be better, you want to be open and invite that.

我们很多人会封闭自己，让提供宝贵反馈的人难堪，让朋友觉得我们无法接纳意见。这只会导致关系变得虚伪不透明。需要说明的是，很多人的依恋模式——无论是安全型还是不安全型——可能源于童年经历。

A lot of us close it off. A lot of us make people feel bad for sharing great feedback. A lot of us make our friends feel like we don't have space for that or room for that. And all that leads to is a less honest, less transparent relationship. Now I do want to share that a lot of people's attachment, whether it's secure or insecure, could be based on their childhood.

心理学家约翰·鲍尔比，依恋理论的创始人，发现童年时期的安全依恋能预测成年后的信任感和抗逆力。因此，如果某人童年艰难，未曾从父母那里获得这种体验，他们与你建立这种关系的可能性就更低。在友谊中，这表现为可预测的安全感，对吧？你不必担心被抛弃。他们不会经历背叛、拒绝或持续的评判。

John Bowlby, who's a psychologist, who's the attachment theory founder, found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience in adulthood. So if someone's had a tough childhood and they haven't experienced that from their parents, it's less likely they're gonna have that with you. And in friendships, this translates into predictable safety, right? You don't fear abandonment. They don't experience betrayal or rejection or constant judgment.

研究表明，安全型依恋的成年人更擅长解决冲突、共情和宽恕。这就是为什么我总说世上没有虚伪的人，只有那些因经历而对处理这些事情变得更为艰难的人。重申一次，这并非借口，也不意味着你要容忍这些行为。

Research shows securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness. This is why I keep saying there's no fake person. There's only people who have experiences that have made them harder at dealing with these things. Again, that doesn't mean it's an excuse. It doesn't mean you tolerate it.

你仍需保护自己。但理解这一点对我们有益。虚伪的朋友要你违心说‘是’，真正的朋友尊重你的‘不’，因为他们更在乎你的内心平静而非自身计划。虚伪的朋友强求观点一致，即使你们世界观迥异。

You still have to protect yourself. But it's good for us to understand it. Fake friends want you to say yes even when your soul is screaming no. Real friends respect your no because they care more about your peace than their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently.

真正的朋友渴望你的诚实，因为真相比舒适更重要。虚假的朋友需要你的认可。真正的朋友能承受你的质疑。虚假的朋友喜欢那个轻松、光鲜、顺从的你。真正的朋友拥抱那个混乱、复杂、真实的你。

Real friends want your honesty because truth matters more than comfort. Fake friends need your validation. Real friends can handle your challenge. Fake friends prefer the version of you that's easy, polished, and agreeable. Real friends embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated and real.

因为虚假的朋友只忠于你的顺从。而真正的朋友，他们忠于你的本真。第二个辨别方法是：虚假的朋友会记账，真正的朋友会遗忘。虚假的朋友会说：上次是我给你买的咖啡。真正的朋友会说：别担心，这次我来。

Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance. But real friends, they're loyal to your authenticity. The second way to know is fake friends keep score and real friends, they lose count. Now a fake friend will say, I bought you coffee last time. A real friend will say, don't worry, I've got this one.

或者实际上，如果上次真是他们请你喝咖啡，这次就该你说：别担心，这次我来。想想看，健康的关系建立在慷慨之上，而非账本上，对吧？虚假的朋友记得你欠什么。

Or actually, if they really did get you coffee last time, you'd be the one to say, don't worry, I've got this one. Think about that. Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers. Right? Fake friends remember what you owe.

真正的朋友忘记自己付出过什么。如果我问：你能列出过去三十天为朋友做过的所有好事吗？你肯定不知道，肯定记不清。有人问我：你做过哪些好事？

Real friends forget what they gave. If I asked you, can you list off all the nice things you've done for your friend in the last thirty days? I'm sure you don't know. I'm sure you can't remember. Someone said to me, what were all the nice things you do?

我得绞尽脑汁才能想起来。虽然最终能记起，但这些事不会常驻我心。发信息时不会想，打电话时不会想。

I'd have to really rack my brain to push to find those things. I'd find them. But it's not something I'm thinking about. It's not something I think about when I text them. It's not something I'm thinking about when I call them.

和他们相处时也不会想。真正的友谊里，好朋友不会总惦记自己为对方做过什么。反过来也一样——他们也不会总想着为你付出过什么。实际上，真正的友谊是当你与对方心灵对话时，满脑子都是他们为你做的美好事情。

It's not something I'm thinking about when I'm with them. A good friend is not thinking about all the good things they've done for that person if you're in a real friendship. And the same way is back. They're not thinking about all the good things they've done to you. If anything, a real friendship is when you're talking to someone in your mind and heart, you're thinking of all the amazing things they've done for you.

而他们也在想着你为他们做的美好事情。你们不会各自盘算自己的付出，而是充满感恩与回馈。你会由衷感叹：哇，拥有这样的好朋友真让人感激。

And they're thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them. You're not there thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them. And they're not there thinking about all the amazing things they've done for you. It's all about the gratitude and reciprocity. Well, you're there in your head going, wow, I'm so grateful to have such a good friend.

他们也有同样的感受。这其实有悖常理。我们以为债务仅限于金钱层面。但人情债——我为你做了这些所以你欠我的——才是虚假忠诚的真正陷阱。这背后有着心理学依据。

And they're feeling the same. Now this is counterintuitive. We think debt is only financial. But social debt, I did this for you so you owe me, is the real trap of fake loyalty. And there is psychology behind this.

这在人际关系中称为计分行为。真挚的友谊遵循共同体规范，付出不求回报；而虚伪的交情则遵循交换规范，进行交易式的予取予求。当你开始计分时，总会觉得自己付出得更多。让我再强调一次：当你计较得失时，永远会觉得自己才是付出更多的那个人。

This is called score keeping behavior in relationships. Genuine friendships thrive on communal norms, giving without expectations, while fake ones operate on exchange norms, transactional give and take. When you're keeping score, you always feel like you're giving more. Let me say that again. When you're keeping score, you always feel like you're the one giving more.

心理学称之为自利偏差。我们往往高估自己的贡献，低估他人的付出。你记得自己做对的所有事，却忘记做错的所有事；你记得他们犯的所有错，却忽略他们做对的所有事。计分行为本质是竞争性的。

And psychology calls this the self serving bias. We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate the contribution of others. You remember all the things you do right, but you forget all the things you do wrong. You remember all the things that they do wrong and you remember none of the things that they do right. Scorekeeping is competitive.

这完全变成了谁做得更多、谁付出更多的较量。但真正的友谊不在于竞争，而在于协作，是团队思维。如果团队里每个人都在计较谁做得多谁做得少，你们就不可能成功。

It's all about who's doing more, who's giving more. But real friendship isn't about competition. It's about collaboration. It's thinking as a team. If everyone on a team is thinking about who's doing more, who's doing less, you can't win.

只有当每个人都各司其职时，才有获胜的机会。如果长期一方总觉得自己是负债者而心生怨恨，另一方自视为债权人而日渐刻薄——虚假的朋友会记得你欠什么，真正的朋友会忘记自己给过什么。虚假的朋友会计较得失。

But if everyone plays their role, that's when you get a chance. If over time one person feels like the debtor and resents it, the other feels like the creditor and grows bitter. Fake friends remember what you owe. Real friends forget what they give. Fake friends keep score.

真正的朋友从不记数。虚假的朋友施恩图报，真正的朋友无条件给予。虚假的朋友把善意当作货币，真正的朋友视善意如呼吸。

Real friends lose count. Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached. Real friends give without conditions. Fake friends treat kindness like currency. Real friends treat kindness like breathing.

虚假的朋友出借支持要求偿还，真正的朋友投入爱意不求回报。虚假的朋友付出是为了获取，真正的朋友付出是为了成长。区分真假朋友的方法之一，就是分享好消息时观察对方的微表情反应。

Fake friends loan support to be repaid. Real friends invest love with no return expected. Fake friends give to gain. Real friends give to grow. One way to know the difference between a real or a fake friend is share the good news and watch the micro reaction.

我们常说，真正的朋友是你在需要时可以求助的人。当你在困境中有人挺身而出时，这意义重大。这不仅体现了他们的为人，你也该铭记这些人。知道最有趣的是什么吗？真正的朋友也是在你成功、顺遂时想与之分享喜悦的人。

We've always talked about how a good friend is someone you can reach out to in the time of need. When someone shows up for you when things aren't going well for you, that says a lot. It says a lot about them and you shouldn't forget those people. You know what's really interesting? A real friend is also someone that you want to talk to when you're winning, when you're doing well, when things are going great.

有多少次你想打电话或发消息分享生活中的胜利、升职或小成就，却最终克制了？因为你担心对方可能会因此感到不适。当然，若对方正经历艰难时期，你能考虑到这点说明你是个体贴的朋友。当我们因顾及他人处境而斟酌言行时，这本身就是友谊的体现。但同样，除非对方遭遇重大困难，否则真正的朋友会为你的成功由衷高兴。

How many times have you thought about calling someone or texting someone about a win, a promotion, a little win, a small win in your life? And you actually hold back because you thought, I don't wanna I think this person might be a bit triggered by it. Now, hey, if they're going through a really difficult time right now, that makes you a good friend to think about that. If we're thinking about how our actions can agitate and trigger and upset other people because of what they're going through, that makes us a good friend. But at the same time, a great friend of yours will want to hear about your wins unless they're going through something really, really difficult.

这就是友谊的真谛——需要双方理解其中微妙之处。在初识阶段，不妨用这个法则：分享好消息并观察对方的微表情。虚假的朋友会延迟微笑。

And that's what it takes. It takes two people to really understand the nuances of what friendship requires. But when you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule to use. Share good news and watch their micro expressions. A fake friend will have a delayed smile.

他们会迅速转移话题或暗中贬低。比如用言语轻描淡写你的成就。而真正的朋友会由衷兴奋、追问细节，他们的好奇与你的喜悦同频共振。

They'll have a quick subject change or a subtle undercut. Right? They might say something that kind of makes it seem insignificant. A real friend has genuine excitement, follow-up questions. They're curious and match your energy.

微表情暴露嫉妒的速度远超言语掩饰的能力。现在有个关键问题：你能与嫉妒你的人维持长期友谊吗？答案是肯定的——但前提是对方的嫉妒能转化为尊重与学习。嫉妒有个近亲叫钻研。

Micro expressions reveal envy faster than any words can mask it. Now here's the true question: Can you be friends long term with someone who envies you? Here's the answer. Yes, but only if their envy evolves into respect and learning. Envy has a cousin called study.

两者本质相同，都是对他人成就的注目。但嫉妒是渴望占有，而钻研是求知方法。嫉妒者想的是'我要是也有就好了'。

They're both the same thing. Admiring someone else, but in envy you wish you had it. Whereas in study, you want to know how they got it. Right? In envy, you think, I wish I had that.

'我值得更多''难以置信他们能得到''为什么不是我'；而钻研者思考的是'他们如何做到的''希望能向他们学习'。

I deserve more. I can't believe they got it. Why not me? Instead you think, how did they get there? I hope I can learn from them.

我希望能与他们共同成长。嫉妒的本质具有腐蚀性，它渴望拥有他人之物，甚至可能希望对方失去这些。心理学家称之为恶性嫉妒。这种情绪会侵蚀信任，因为深藏不露的是有人暗自希望你失败。

I hope I can grow with them. Envy at its root is corrosive. It's wanting what someone has and potentially even wishing that they didn't have it. Psychologists call this malicious envy. It eats away at trust because deep down someone secretly rooting against you.

但还有另一种更常见的嫉妒形式。那种会说'你激励了我，我想达到你的高度'的嫉妒。这种嫉妒实际上能巩固友谊，成为前进的动力。但危险在于：嫉妒总会在玻璃上留下裂痕。

But there's another form of envy that is more common. The kind that says you inspire me and I want to rise to your level. That kind of envy can actually strengthen a friendship. It becomes fuel. The danger is this, envy always puts a crack in the glass.

如果当事人不加以处理，怨恨就会渗透出来。久而久之，你会注意到微妙的挖苦、克制的掌声，或是当你失足时那份隐秘的满足。所以真正的答案是：你可以与嫉妒你的人做朋友，但前提是他们的嫉妒必须转化为尊重或支持。若嫉妒持续存在，你永远无法感到安全。因为嫉妒不会为你鼓掌，只会与你竞争。

If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment leaks through. And over time you'll notice subtle jabs, muted applause or that quiet satisfaction when you stumble. So the real answer is, you can be friends with someone who envies you, but only if their envy becomes respect or becomes support. If it stays envy, you'll never feel safe. Because envy doesn't clap for you, it competes with you.

本期《On Purpose》由Chase Sapphire Reserve赞助播出。我相信旅行是我们被赋予的最伟大礼物之一，而Chase Sapphire Reserve一直是我通往世界迷人目的地的大门。每次旅行，我都会发现未知的自我。记得有次在小镇完全脱离网络，久违地感受到了内心的宁静——旅行就有这样的魔力。

This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given, and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. Every time I travel, I find a part of myself I didn't know was missing. I remember being in this small town, completely unplugged and for the first time in a while, I felt still. Travel does that.

旅行能让你沉淀、拓展，并与更深层的事物建立联结。因此我总在寻找超越常规的体验。Chase Sapphire Reserve让旅行变得轻松：通过Chase Travel消费可获8倍积分，并可进入全美精选机场的Sapphire Lounge贵宾室。无论目的地何在，有Chase Sapphire Reserve相伴，旅程更精彩。登录chase.com/sapphirereserve探索更多。卡片由JPMorgan Chase Bank NA发行，会员FDIC，需信用审批，条款适用。随着天气转凉白昼渐短，我总想为家居增添温馨氛围。

It grounds you, expands you, and connects you to something deeper. That's why I'm always looking for experiences that go beyond the typical. Chase Sapphire Reserve makes traveling a breeze, earning 8x points on all purchases through Chase Travel and granting access to Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. No matter my destination, travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Discover more with Chase Sapphire Reserve at chase.com/sapphirereserve Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Subject to credit approval Terms apply As the weather cools down and the days get shorter, I always find myself wanting to make my home feel cozier.

秋天有种让人慢下来的魔力，点燃蜡烛，打造温暖宜人的空间。说实话，Wayfair是我实现这些的首选。无论是蜷缩用的舒适躺椅、寒夜所需的柔软床品，还是应季的秋日装饰，Wayfair应有尽有。他们甚至备有咖啡机，让你在厨房就能制作心仪的拿铁。最近我为阅读角添置了舒适盖毯和柔光台灯——

There's something about fall that makes you slow down, light a candle, and create a space that feels warm and inviting. And honestly, Wayfair is where I go to make that happen. Wayfair has everything you need to cozify your home, whether it's a comfy recliner to curl up in, soft bedding for those chilly nights, or even autumn inspired decor to bring in the season. They even have espresso makers so you can make that cafe latte you love right in your kitchen. For me, I recently picked up a cozy throw blanket and a low lit lamp for my reading corner.

瞬间就让空间焕然一新，宛如一方圣所。Wayfair提供各种风格和预算的选择，还有免费便捷的配送服务。现在正是为家居做好秋日准备的最佳时机，让你轻松舒适地享受这个季节。通过Wayfair精心策划的系列——从舒适躺椅到温馨床品和秋日装饰，以简单实惠的方式为家居增添秋意。

It transformed the space instantly. Suddenly, feels like a little sanctuary. I love that Wayfair has options for every style and budget, plus free and easy delivery. Now really is the best time to get your home ready for fall, so you can enjoy the season with ease and comfort. Cozify your home with Wayfair's curated collection of easy, affordable fall updates, from comfy recliners to cozy bedding and autumn decor.

在Wayfair.com以更低价格找到所有商品，就是Wayfair.com。Wayfair，每种风格，每个家。我是《On Purpose》节目的Jay Shetty，如果你曾感到迷失自我，试着改变一下环境，哪怕只有几天。达美航空最近邀请了四位创作者体验这种改变。

Find it all for way less at wayfair.com That's wayfair.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Is Jay Shetty from On Purpose, and if you've ever felt like you've lost touch with yourself, try changing your surroundings, even for just a few days. Delta recently invited four creators to do just that.

两次旅行，一个问题：如果旅行不仅是移动，而是在行进中充电呢？在西雅图，他们专注于日常和自我关怀——健身时间、接地气的散步和冥想。在哥本哈根，他们彻底放空。

Two trips, one question. What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? In Seattle, they focused on routine and self care. Gym time, grounding walks, and meditation. In Copenhagen, they let go.

骑自行车、蒸桑拿、拥抱当下。最让他们惊讶的是什么？惯常的压力消散了。他们感到更清醒、更平静、更有联结感。Aura戒指的数据也证实了这一点。

Biking, saunas, and embracing the moment. And what surprised them most? Their usual stress faded. They felt clearer, calmer, more connected. And aura ring data backed it up.

根据他们的Aura戒指睡眠评分，每个人都以更充沛的状态迎接新的一天。他们的身体活动量也自然而然地增加了。旅行给了他们实践自我关怀的空间，不是限制，而是平衡。最棒的是？这种幸福感并未随着归家而结束。

Based on their aura ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. And their bodies moved more without even trying. Travel gave them space to practice self care, and not restriction, but balance. And the best part? That sense of well-being didn't end when they got home.

与达美航空一起，飞得更好，活得更好。完整旅程尽在达美航空YouTube频道。真正的朋友不会因你的好运而嫉妒，他们会与你同庆，甚至以你的成功为动力激励自己前进。假朋友则会在你成功时感到不安。

With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. A real friend isn't threatened when good things happen for you. They celebrate with you and even use your success as motivation to push themselves forward. A fake friend feels uneasy when you succeed.

他们可能面带微笑，但心底却希望这些发生在自己身上。真朋友会问：我能如何支持你？假朋友会问：为什么不是我？真朋友会为你胜利大声喝彩，假朋友只会轻拍手掌或干脆沉默。

They may smile, but deep down they're wishing it happened to them. A real friend asks, how can I support you? A fake friend asks, why not me? A real friend claps loudly when you win. A fake friend claps softly or not at all.

因为你的胜利对他们而言像是失败。真朋友与你共同成长，他们因你的进步而受到鼓舞，希望与你并肩提升。假朋友则憎恶你的成长，他们希望你停滞不前，以免感到被落下。

Because your win feels like they are loss. A real friend grows with you. They are inspired by your growth and want to rise alongside you. A fake friend resents your growth. They want you to stay the same so they don't feel left behind.

真正的朋友会将你的成功视为共同的喜悦，而虚假的朋友则会把你的成功看作他们个人的失败。我想再次强调这一点。如果你也是一个真正的朋友，你会注意不去刺激或伤害他人。最近我和一位朋友聊天。

Real friends see your success as shared joy. Fake friends see your success as their personal failure. Again, want to point this out. If you're a real friend too, you'll be mindful of agitating or hurting someone. I was talking to a friend recently.

她因为怀孕而非常兴奋，但她知道她的一位朋友刚刚经历了流产。因此她在分享这个消息时非常谨慎。这是否意味着那位经历流产的朋友因为无法感到高兴就是个坏朋友呢？当然不是。她正在经历极其悲惨和艰难的时期。

They were really excited that they got pregnant, but they knew that one of their friends had just had a miscarriage. So they were mindful in how they shared that news. Does that mean the friend who had a miscarriage was a bad friend because they couldn't be excited? Of course not. They were going through something extremely tragic and difficult.

所以我们必须明白，良好的友谊需要双方的理解。我认为我们生活在一个当下流行的文化中，人们会说：如果你不支持我，那我们就算不上好朋友。但我在那一刻是否以你需要的方式恰当地支持了你呢？你也必须考虑到这一点。下一个区别是，虚假的朋友会让你同时觉得自己既不够好又太过分。

And so we have to realize that good friend requires understanding on both sides. I think we live in a culture right now that goes, well, if you don't show up for me, then we're not good friends. But did I show up for you properly in that moment, in the way you needed me to as well? You've got to take that into account. The next one is that fake friends make you feel like you're not enough or you're too much all at the same time.

真正的朋友会让你意识到你就是你自己。对吧？真正的朋友会说：嘿，有时候你可能有点烦人。对吧？有时候和你相处是最让人沮丧的事。

Real friends make you realize you are just who you are. Right? A real friend's gonna be like, hey, sometimes you can be annoying. Right? Sometimes you are the most frustrating person to be around.

但这并不过分，也不是不够好。虚假的朋友则会说：你知道吗？有时候你就是太过分了。你就是太过分了。

But that's not too much. And it's not not enough. A fake friend will say, you know what? Sometimes you're just too much. You're just you're just too much.

虚假的朋友会这样说：是啊，我觉得你在这方面不够好。我不认为...我不认为你能做到。完全没有包容性。虚假的朋友也可能是那个告诉你你很棒、什么都能做到的人。而真正的朋友会说：嘿，你考虑过这个吗？

A fake friend will be like, yeah, I don't think you're good enough at that. I don't think I don't think you I don't think you could do that. There's no openness. A fake friend is also someone who tells you you're amazing and you can do everything. A real friend goes, hey, you thought about this?

这在很大程度上取决于我们作为朋友的态度。我们是否给予他们那样的空间？这不仅仅是人们本身如何，而是我们允许他们成为什么样。如果我们想被那些对我们每个想法都说'是'的人包围，那这就是你会得到的。那么你就不能抱怨自己没有真诚的朋友。

And that is so much dependent on us as a friend. Are we giving them that space to be that way? It's not just how people are, it's how we allow them to be. If we want to be surrounded by everyone who says yes to every one of our ideas, that's what you'll get. Then you can't be mad that you don't have honest friends.

但如果你允许别人对你说这样的话，你将拥有更深层次的关系。也许你曾经历过，有人对你说你太敏感了、你不够好之类的话。事实上，真正的朋友会告诉你：嘿，这就是现实。

But if you're someone who allows for someone to say that to you, you're gonna have much deeper relationships. But maybe you've had this. Maybe someone said to you, you're too sensitive. You're not enough, whatever it may be. The truth is a real friend will be like, hey this is the reality.

这就是你的样子。有时你很棒，有时不尽如人意，对吧？无条件的积极关注预示着健康的关系纽带。真正的朋友永远不会让你觉得自己过分或不足，虚假的朋友会让你质疑自我。

This is what you look like. Sometimes you're great, sometimes you're not great, right? Unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds. Real friends never make you feel too much or not enough. Fake friends make you question yourself.

太吵闹、太安静、太依赖、太疏离。真正的朋友接纳你的高潮与低谷，虚假的朋友只想要那个轻松版的你。真正的朋友让你展现真实的自己，虚假的朋友迫使你修饰自我以维持他们的认可。

Too loud, too quiet, too needy, too distant. Real friends accept your highs and lows. Fake friends only want the easy version of you. Real friends let you show up unfiltered. Fake friends make you edit yourself to keep their approval.

真正的朋友会让你明白做自己就足够，虚假的朋友总让你觉得必须成为另一个人。现在说最关键的一点——观察他们如何谈论他人。虚假的朋友热衷于八卦，尤其是那些他们称之为朋友的人。

Real friends remind you that who you are is enough. Fake friends leave you feeling like you always need to be someone else. Now this is probably the biggest one. Observe how they talk about others. Fake friends constantly gossip, especially about people they call their friends.

真正的朋友或许偶尔会抱怨，但绝不会破坏或背叛他人的信任。现在请注意这个行为信号：议论他人的人，将来也会议论你。记住这一点。如果有人热衷于说三道四，那么未来他们很可能会在背后议论你。

A real friend may vent occasionally, but they don't undermine or betray someone's confidence. Now here's the behavioral cue. Gossip about others is future gossip about you. Remember that. If someone's gossiping about others, that means in the future they will probably gossip about you.

而我们常常把闲言碎语当作建立联结的方式。这是最简单最低级的连接形式。如果我们因为共同讨厌某个人而建立联系，那是最低层次的联结。《薄伽梵歌》中将这种现象称为愚昧形态，即通过消极情绪、恐惧、无知或焦虑来建立联系——比如因为共同厌恶某个人而产生共鸣。

And what we do is we use gossip as a way to bond. It's the easiest lowest form of connection. If we both don't like the same person and we bond over that, that is the lowest form of connection. This is known in the Bhagavad Gita as something known as the mode of ignorance, where we connect over negativity, fear, ignorance, anxiety, right? Where we're getting connected because we both hate the same person or don't like something about them.

比这更高一级的是所谓的激情形态。当你因共同目标与人建立联系时——比如想进行同样的锻炼、增肌、减肥，或任何你们共同追求的事物，都想获得成功。而更高层次的联结，则是你们为了给彼此生活创造平静而相互连接。

A step up from that is something known as the mode of passion. It's when you bond with someone because you have the same goals. You want to do the same workout, you want to build muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever, you both want the same thing. You wanna be successful. Higher than that is when you connect with each other because you wanna create peace in each other's lives.

你渴望爱、快乐和联结，这些是你想分享的。这是三种人际关系类型。我们必须非常警惕那些建立在八卦之上的纽带。如果有人通过说别人坏话来与你建立联系，不言而喻的真相是，他们也会这样对待你。研究表明存在负面互惠效应。

You want love, joy, connection, that's what you wanna share. Those are the three types of relationships. We've got to be really careful about the bonds that are made over gossip. If someone bonds with you by talking badly about others, the unspoken truth is they'll do the same with you. Research shows negative reciprocity.

人们对待他人的方式往往也是他们对待你的方式。这会产生一种被称为肤浅亲密感的东西。八卦让人感觉亲近，因为你知晓秘密。但这与你无关，而是关于某个不在场的人。心理学家称之为伪亲密关系。

How people behave towards others is how they're likely to behave toward you. It creates something known as shallow intimacy. Gossip feels like closeness because you're in on the secret. But it's not about you, it's about someone else not being there. Psychologists call this pseudo intimacy.

快速建立的表面亲密感根本不会持久。它实际上传播的是焦虑而非安全感。真正的友谊能降低压力，八卦则恰恰相反，它会埋下猜疑的种子。

Quick surface level closeness that doesn't last at all. It actually spreads anxiety instead of safety. True friendship lowers stress. Gossip does the opposite. It plants suspicion.

你会想：我不在场时他们会怎么议论我？八卦会激活大脑的威胁检测系统，让你紧张不安而非放松。信任理论表明，一旦你看到某人背叛他人，潜意识里就会将其标记为背叛者。假朋友通过贬低他人来接近你，真朋友则通过谈论你来亲近你。

You wonder, what do they say about me when I'm not there? Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting you on edge instead of at ease. Trust theory shows that once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously mark them as a betrayer. Fake friends talk badly about others to get close to you. Real friends talk about you to get close to you.

假朋友用八卦作粘合剂，真朋友用诚实作粘合剂。假朋友分享不属于他们的秘密，真朋友守护你托付的秘密。假朋友通过诋毁他人建立联系。

Fake friends use gossip as the glue. Real friends use honesty as the glue. Fake friends share secrets that aren't theirs. Real friends protect the secrets you trust them with. Fake friends bond over tearing people down.

真朋友通过成就他人建立情谊。假朋友让你怀疑自己不在场时的议论，真朋友让你确信他们会在你离席时维护你。另一个辨别方式是：假朋友想从你身上获取好处，真朋友则真心为你好。假朋友的忠诚取决于你的利用价值。

Real friends bond over building other people up. Fake friends have you wondering what they say about you when you're not there. Real friends make you confident they defend you when you're not in the room. Another way you can tell is that fake friends want the best from you and real friends want the best for you. Now fake friends' loyalty is conditional on your usefulness.

真朋友不在乎你是否有用，他们珍视你本身。这就是工具性关系与本质性关系的区别。肤浅的纽带是交易性的，深厚的关系基于价值观。真正的关系建立在价值观和愿景之上。若你们有相似的愿景和价值观，就能建立强大的联结。

Real friends don't care whether you're useful, they appreciate you. Now this is the difference between instrumental versus intrinsic relationships. Shallow bonds are transactional, deep ones are values based. A real relationship is one that is built on values and vision. If you have a similar vision, you have similar values, you have a powerful relationship.

即便你不这么认为，但有时你可能会误以为自己拥有这样的魅力，因为你的价值观和愿景散发出的光环偶尔会让人陶醉。虚假的朋友可能只图你的人脉，他们觊觎你的社交网络，只想探究你成功的途径——这就是他们的全部目的。真正的朋友则只愿你快乐，并珍视与你共处的时光。

If you don't, but you might think you do because some of that aura from your values and vision can kind of feel intoxicating sometimes. Fake friends may just want your connections. They want your network. They want to know how you got there and that's all they want. Real friends just want you to be happy and enjoy your company.

我认为这最终表现为：当你改变时，虚假的朋友会消失；而真正的朋友会与你共同成长。我相信在你的生命历程中，你已历经多次蜕变——从大学时代到高中时期，现在的你必然已不同往昔。

And how I think that adds up is that fake friends disappear when you change. And real friends, they grow with you. I'm sure in your life, you're at a place where you've changed so many times. You probably changed since you were at college. You changed since you were at high school.

无论是步入婚姻、成为父母，或是迁居新城市，你都经历了多维度的转变。真正的朋友会好奇你改变的原因与方式，他们不需要与你喜好相同。这一点可能刺痛某些人，因为他们抗拒成长。

You changed now that you're married or you got kids or whether you moved to a new city. You've changed in so many ways. A real friend wants to know why you changed, how you're changing, they're curious. You don't have to like the same thing. Now this triggers parts of people because they don't want to grow.

他们或许也对此感到恐惧。因此你需要保持同理心与耐心。我认为最关键的是：若你正快速蜕变成长，对他人的包容与等待或许能让他们跟上你的步伐。反之，我们只会吓退他人。这终究是双向的课题。

They might be scared about it too. So you've got to be compassionate and patient. I think that's one of the most important things is that if you're changing and growing fast, if you can be compassionate and patient for others, they may catch up with you and you give them the opportunity. If we don't, you can just intimidate people and scare them. Again, it comes down to both.

若有人畏惧你的成长，这并不意味着他们不能成为益友。关键在于你是否愿意给予他们与你当年同等的时间和宽容。希望这些原则能提升你的识人能力，并让你明白世事并非非黑即白。我用真假朋友的概念为你提供思考框架，但现实远比这复杂——要成为别人的挚友，我们需要付出的绝不比期待的少。

If someone's scared of your growth, it doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. It's about you also giving them the patience and grace that you needed to get to where you are. I hope that these principles give you a better radar and also help you recognize that it's not really as black and white. I talked about real versus fake friends to give you a sense of that, but it's not as clear cut. The reality is it requires a lot from us to be a good friend as much as we want others to be.

这源于理解，源于艰难对话的勇气，源于创造包容空间，有时需要你超前三步仍愿等待，落后四步仍怀希望。衷心希望本期内容对你有所助益。请把它分享给真正的朋友，或是你正努力改善关系的伙伴。让这份感悟传递下去。

And that comes from understanding, it comes from having difficult conversations, it comes from creating space, it comes from being three steps ahead and waiting and being four steps behind and hoping someone waits for you. I really hope this episode helps you. I want you to share it with a real friend. I want you to share it with someone that you're struggling with to have a better conversation and connection. Pass it on.

请记住，我永远站在你这边，为你加油。若你喜欢本期内容，推荐收听我与汤姆·赫兰德关于克服社交焦虑的深度对谈——尤其针对戒酒社交场景。他坦诚分享了自己的清醒之旅与更多私密故事。

And remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, I need you to listen to one of my favorite conversations ever. It's with the one and only Tom Holland on how to overcome your social anxiety, especially in situations where you're not drinking and everyone else is. We talk about his sobriety journey and so much more. He gets really personal.

我等不及要让你听听了，绝对会让你大吃一惊。这句话是：如果你对我有意见，就发短信给我。如果你没有我的号码，说明我们根本不熟，你也没资格对我有意见。本期《On Purpose》节目由Chase Sapphire Reserve赞助播出。

I can't wait for you to hear it. It's gonna blow your mind. The quote is, If you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number, you don't know me to have a problem with me. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve.

我相信旅行是我们被赐予最美好的礼物之一，而Chase Sapphire Reserve信用卡就是我通往世界迷人目的地的大门。使用这张卡时，我在Chase Travel平台的所有消费都能获得8倍积分，还能解锁独家体验——比如音乐节和体育赛事。更不用说它还能让我进入全美精选机场的Sapphire贵宾休息室。有了Chase Sapphire Reserve，旅行回报更丰厚。相信我。

I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel, and even access to one of a kind experiences, experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me.

了解更多信息请访问chase.com/sapphirereserve 信用卡由摩根大通银行发行。FDIC承保。需信用审批。条款适用。这里是《On Purpose》的Jay Shetty。

Discover more at chase.com/sapphirereserve Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank NA. FDIC. Subject to credit approval. Terms apply. This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose.

如果你曾感到失衡，有时换个环境就是最好的重启方式。达美航空邀请四位创作者探索一个理念：如果旅行不仅是移动，而是在行进中充电呢？结果如何？根据他们的Oura Ring睡眠评分，每个人都以更充沛的精力迎接新一天，而这种清醒感在旅程结束后仍持续良久。

If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset. Delta invited four creators to explore one idea: What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? And the results? Based on their Oura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. And a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip.

搭乘达美航空，飞得更好，活得更好。完整旅程请到达美航空YouTube频道观看。用全新Pandora Talisman系列饰品彰显你的个性。灵感源自古钱币，每款设计都将永恒符号转化为现代宣言。镌刻有力的拉丁文箴言，Pandora护身符象征着力量、爱与坚韧。

With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. Make yourself known through the symbols you carry with the new Pandora Talisman collection. Inspired by ancient coins, each design transforms timeless symbols into modern statements. Inscribed with powerful Latin mantras, Pandora talisman represents strength, love, and resilience.

单戴一件作为个人宣言，或叠搭在Pandora项链手链上讲述你的故事。我想送母亲一件——她是我生命中无声的力量源泉，这似乎是无需言语的绝美致敬。值得终生佩戴的箴言。现已在Pandora.net线上线下同步发售。

Wear one as your personal statement or layer them on Pandora necklaces and bracelets to tell your story. I'd gift one to my mom. She's been a quiet source of strength my whole life, and this feels like a beautiful way to honor that without saying a word. Words to live by. Now available in store and online at pandora.net.

本节目由iHeart播客出品。

This is an iHeart podcast.