第093期……尼采第四部分：爱

你好。

Hello.

如果你觉得这个节目是个很有价值的学习资源，想让哲学一直惠及每一个人，那就去 patreon.com/philosophize this 支持我们吧。

If you value the show as an educational resource and you wanna be a part of keeping philosophy available for everybody out there for years to come, support the show at patreon.com/philosophize this.

希望你今天会喜欢这期节目。

Hope you'll love the show today.

到这儿，你大概已经看出尼采的特别之处了。

So by now, you're probably realizing something about Nietzsche.

你肯定已经察觉到了。

You're probably realizing.

就算别的不说，光是我这一整季没完没了地聊他，你也该明白了。

Well, if for no other reason, just because I've needlessly rambled about it over the course of this entire series.

但你现在应该也明白了，尼采写哲学不是为了让全世界每个人都去抄一遍、捞点东西走。

But what you probably realized by now is that Nietzsche's not writing his philosophy so that each and every single person in the world can write it down and take a little something from it.

他是为那些真正愿意去践行他思想的少数人写的。

He's writing his philosophy for a select few people that are actually going to try its existence.

他写这些东西，是给那些并不满足于觉得自己已经看透了世界的人，给那些愿意去深入探究生活里那些被灌输的所谓真相的人。

He's writing it for a small handful of people that aren't interested in feeling like they know everything about the world, but people that are actually going to try to understand things deeper than they've been led to believe about things over the course of their life.

我的意思是，不管你处在人生的哪个阶段，都很容易被哄得安于现状，不再去重新审视自己对世界的看法。

I mean, at any stage of life, it's very easy to be coaxed into complacency about how you look at the world.

我敢说，咱们都能想象出这么个场景：一个45岁的人，听着一个21、22岁热血青年滔滔不绝，心里头早就笃定地认为，人就该是这样，世界就该是那样，诸如此类。

I mean, I'm sure we can all imagine some 45 year old person, and they're listening to some passionate 21, 22 year old person, and they have strong reinforced convictions about how people are and how the world works and all kinds of things like that.

那个45岁的人可能会对自己说：小子，我懂。

And the 45 year old may say to themselves, look, kid.

我以前也跟你一样。

I've been where you are before.

我也曾经以为自己什么都懂，但你知道后来怎么样了吗？

I too used to think I knew everything about the world, but you know what happens?

事情是这样的。

Here's what happens.

你再活几年，经历几次婚姻失败，再参加几次家长会的激烈争吵。

You live a couple years longer, a few failed marriages later, a few heated discussions at a PTA meeting.

总有一天，你会醒过来，明白这个世界到底是怎么运作的，就像我一样。

Eventually, you're gonna wake up and realize how the world actually works like I do.

我跟你说真的。

Believe me.

我早就走过你现在的路。

I've been where you are before.

每次我读尼采的哲学，都觉得他像个一百二十岁的老头，正对着那个四十五岁的人说：你知道吗？

Whenever I read Nietzsche's philosophy, I always see him as like this 120 year old guy, and he's talking to that 45 year old and he's saying, you know what?

小子，我也曾跟你一样。

Sonny, I've been where you are before.

你知道接下来会发生什么吗？

Do you know what happens?

再看几届总统大选，去 YMCA 打几场羽毛球，像我一样多看几季《价格猜猜猜》，那时候你才会真正懂这个世界。

See a few more presidential elections, play some badminton down at the YMCA, watch a few more seasons of the price is right like I have then, then you'll understand how the world actually works.

或者，也许你最终会明白，人生这件事，远比你想的要大得多。

Or maybe, just maybe, you'll come to terms with the fact that this whole life thing is actually much bigger than that.

也许一百年根本不够你真正看透这个世界，像你自己以为的那样。

That maybe a hundred years is just not enough time to become as well versed in things as you wanna believe you are.

有些话题，人们总爱骗自己说已经彻底懂了。

Well, there are certain subjects out there that people like to tell themselves they've arrived at a destination about.

有些话题更常见，而最常见的一个，就是‘爱’。

Some subjects are more common than others, and one of the most common ones is the concept of love.

我们都觉得自己懂什么是爱。

We all feel like we know what love is.

我们都经历过。

We all felt it before.

对吧？

Right?

爱啊，真是个强大的概念。

Powerful concept, love.

难怪这么多年来，那么多哲学家都想深入琢磨它，弄明白它到底是什么。

Probably not a big surprise that so many philosophers over the years have tried to take a closer look at it and understand it better.

既然爱的感觉这么美好，难怪那么多人把生活全搭在感受爱、付出爱，或者陪在最爱的人身边。

And given how good it feels to experience love, probably not a big surprise that so many people build their lives around feeling it or giving it or spending time with the people they love the most.

有些人甚至把这推到了极端。

Some people even take this to the extreme.

有人说，你只需要爱就够了。

Some people say that all you need is love.

他们环顾四周，看到这个世界，很自然地就想：天啊，人与人之间都在互相算计。

Now they look around them, the world, understandably, and they think, man, there's people stealing from each other.

人还在互相残杀。

People are killing each other.

网络霸凌，这可是我们这个时代最猖獗的瘟疫。

Cyberbullying is the pandemic scourge of our time.

你瞧。

Look.

这些哲学家啊，总爱把事情搞得特别复杂。

All these philosophers try to complicate things.

其实特别简单。

It's actually very simple.

大家只要彼此相爱就行了。

Everyone just needs to love each other.

要是能让全世界的人都体会到爱别人的美好就好了。

If only we could show everyone in the world how great it is to love people.

这些人说，爱是解决所有世界问题的万能药。

These people say love is some sort of panacea for all of the world's problems.

咱们别扔核弹了，不如往各地空投《当哈利遇到莎莉》的DVD大箱子。

Instead of dropping nukes, we should be dropping giant canisters of DVDs of when Harry met Sally.

要是全世界都能像我这样懂爱，那一切问题就都解决了。

If only the whole world understood love like I do, then everything would be fixed.

不过，你对待爱的人的方式，可不总是像哈利对待莎莉那样。

But the way that you treat somebody that you love hasn't always been the way that Harry treated Sally.

对啊。

No.

为了爱而做的事，历史上改变得可太多了，将来可能还会变。

The things we do in the name of love have changed drastically over the course of history and could easily change in the future.

一百年前，我孩子要是……唉，说不准呢。

In a hundred years ago, my kid coulda I I don't know.

比如说，他偷偷跑去杂货店，花四分之一美分买个冰淇淋，你懂的。

Let's say they went down to the grocery store and got an ice cream cone without permission, you know, for for 4 tenths of a cent back then.

他回家时满脸巧克力，我一看，心里就琢磨：哎，这事儿……

And when he comes home and I see all the chocolate on his face, at that point, I may say to myself, you know what?

我真喜欢这孩子。

I love this kid.

我疼他，可我不能让他一辈子都不懂规矩的重要性。

I love him dearly, and I am not going to allow him to become a person who doesn't understand the value of discipline for the rest of his life.

我真不想这样。

I don't want to.

天知道我多不想打他，可我非打不可。

Lord knows I don't want to, but I have to beat him.

为了爱，我不得不打他。

In the name of love, I have to beat him.

这种例子多得是，但关键在于，人们对待所爱之人的方法，深受他们所处文化环境的影响。

Tons of other examples of this, but the point is the way people treat the ones they love is highly influenced by the cultural backdrop that they were born into.

就比如圣奥古斯丁那个在火场里烧死人的故事，一下子就想起来了。

Saint Augustine's man burning in a building comes to mind.

换句话说，就算全世界的人都彼此相爱，人们还是可能为了养活其他所爱的人，而从自己爱的人那儿偷东西。

In other words, even if everyone in the world loved each other, people might still steal from people they love in the name of feeding others that they love.

他们也可能以爱的名义，去伤害自己爱的人。

They may still assault people that they love in the name of love.

也许爱这东西，远没有表面看起来那么简单，得好好拆开看看。

Maybe love is actually a pretty complex thing that needs to be unpacked.

我的意思是，爱根本就不是一成不变的东西。

I mean, love is far from a static thing.

对吧？

Right?

我们用‘爱’这个词来描述各种完全不同的感情状态。

We use the word love to describe any number of different emotional states.

我们会说，我爱我的狗。

We say things like, I I I love my dog.

我爱我的孩子。

I love my children.

我爱我的父母。

I love my parents.

我爱我的生活伴侣。

I love my domestic life partner.

我爱刚在Chuck E.吃过的那块披萨。

I love this pizza that I just ate from Chuck E.

奶酪真香。

Cheese.

在所有这些不同的场景里，同一个‘爱’字，说的却是截然不同的情感。

In all these different contexts, the same word is being used to describe emotional states that are very different from each other.

那我们说‘爱’的时候，到底指的是什么呢？

So what exactly do we mean when we say love?

也许这些不同的情况里，真有什么共同的东西被我们碰到了。

Maybe there's something similar about all these different situations that we're touching on.

你知道，当有人说‘所有人只需要彼此相爱’，这种话大多数哲学家听了都会说，对，这听着真不错。

You know, I think when somebody says that all people need to do is love each other, it's one of those statements that most philosophers would hear and they'd say, yeah, that sounds great.

但他们大概不会觉得，这话真能帮我们搞清楚这些问题的根源，或者怎么实际解决它们。

But they probably wouldn't think it's a very useful synopsis when it comes to actually getting to the bottom of the cause of these problems or how to actually solve them.

换句话说，现实中，你到底怎么让全世界的人都彼此相爱？

In other words, in practice, how do you actually get everyone in the world to love each other?

这就有点像走进一家医院。

It's a little bit like walking into a hospital.

你在医院里看到各种各样的痛苦和煎熬。

You see all the different kinds of pain and suffering in a hospital.

你看到心脏科的病人，看到断了腿的小伙子，看到高血压的患者，然后你会想，诶，你说巧不巧？

You know, you see people in the cardiac ward, see a guy with a broken leg, see someone with hypertension, you say, you know what?

这些医生啊。

These doctors.

这些医生老喜欢把事情搞复杂。

These doctors try to complicate things all the time.

但其实呢，根本没那么复杂。

But in reality, it's actually very simple.

我有个办法能解决。

I got you a solution.

这些人需要的，就是吃药。

All these people need are drugs.

对。

Yeah.

但具体是哪种药呢？

But what kind of drugs?

得吃多少剂量才管用？

How high of a dose of these drugs?

他们什么时候需要这些药？

When do they need these drugs?

吃药真能解决问题，还是只是暂时掩盖了症状？

Is giving them drugs really a solution, or is it just temporarily masking the problem?

光说一句‘吃药就完事了’，这事儿没那么简单。

There's more to it than just saying drugs, case closed.

不过今天这期节目的重点，其实是想聊聊尼采怎么看爱情。

Well, the point of this episode today is to eventually talk about how Nietzsche sees love.

但我觉得，要是先看看历史上其他几位大哲学家对爱情的看法，能帮我们更好理解尼采的观点。

But I think it'll give his views some context if we take a look at some other notable philosophers throughout history and how they viewed love.

说到哲学家谈爱情，历史上最出名的论述，非柏拉图的《会饮篇》莫属。

And when it comes to philosophers writing about love, by far, the most famous account of love ever written has to be Plato and his work, the symposium.

我们之前在讲柏拉图那期也稍微提过一点。

And we talked a little bit about this on the Plato episode.

但说实话，这事儿真不能不提。

But, I mean, come on.

这都三年前的事了，各位。

That's three years ago, people.

那时候做这个可真够难受的。

It was horrible doing this back then.

我赶紧说重点。

I'll make it quick.

好，那开始吧。

Alright.

《会饮篇》是古希腊哲学家柏拉图写的一部虚构作品，讲的是一场宴会。

The symposium was a fictional book written by the Greek philosopher Plato about a dinner party.

那场宴会上，当时雅典的几位名人聚在一起，讨论某个特定的主题。

It's a dinner party where various noteworthy figures from Athens at the time all meet up to talk about a particular subject.

那时候的人还真爱干这种事。

Apparently, they did that kind of stuff back then.

而这场宴会当晚讨论的主题，就是爱。

The subject of this particular night's dinner party is love.

每个人轮流站起来，跟大家谈谈自己对爱情的看法。

Everybody takes turns getting up in front of the group, giving their thoughts on love.

除了阿里斯托芬那个荒唐又搞笑的理论——这八成是柏拉图借机报复，因为他曾在戏剧里黑过苏格拉底。

Now barring the funny, pretty ridiculous theory given by Aristophanes, which is really probably just Plato getting back at him for slandering Socrates in one of his plays.

抛开那个不说，从哲学角度讲，这本书前面部分挺闷的，直到我们听到苏格拉底转述一位叫第俄提玛的哲学家对爱情的看法，才真正有意思起来。

Besides that, in terms of philosophy, the book's pretty slow up until we start hearing what Socrates has to say about what he heard about love from a philosopher named Diatema.

至于第俄提玛这个人，谁也说不准她是不是真存在过，但就像 Symposium 里其他人都确有其人一样，她也可能是真的。

Now Diatema, nobody knows for sure whether she actually existed, but it's one of those things like everyone else in the symposium existed.

她为什么就不能是真实的人呢？

Why wouldn't this be a real person?

第俄提玛跟苏格拉底说，爱情其实是一种升华的过程。

But Daitema told Socrates about how she sees love as sort of a progression.

就像爬梯子，你一生中经历的各种爱情阶段，就是一级一级往上走。

It's a progression ascending up rungs of a ladder where throughout your various experiences with love in your life, you go through a number of phases.

每一级都让你更清楚地明白，爱到底是什么。

Each one of these phases is a rung on the ladder where you become more and more aware of what love truly is.

既然这是史上最著名的爱情论述之一，咱们不妨聊聊这些阶梯。

And seeing as how this is one of the most famous accounts of love ever given, let's talk about these rungs a little.

戴提玛会说，当你长大成人，开始一段恋爱关系时，最先体验到的这种爱——也就是阶梯的第一级——她称之为肉体之爱。

So Dietema would say that when you come of age in this world and you enter into a romantic relationship of some sort, the first type of love that you're gonna experience, the first rung on this ladder, is what she calls bodily love.

肉体之爱，字面意思就是你想象的那样。

Now bodily love is exactly what you'd expect it to be.

就是对一个人身体的迷恋，一种强烈的倾慕。

A a love of someone's body, an infatuation with another person.

也许她一笑你就心花怒放。

Maybe they make you smile a lot.

也许你一靠近她，就忍不住想碰她、摸她。

Maybe you have this uncontrollable desire to touch the person when you're around them.

但不管怎样，这种爱我们都懂。

But either way, we all know about this one.

对吧？

Right?

这种事儿谁没见过啊。

We've all seen this one before.

我就不浪费你时间举一堆例子了。

I'm not gonna waste your time giving a ton of examples of it.

但有意思的是，戴特玛说，当你陷在只爱一个人身体的阶段时，如果你仔细琢磨一下这种感觉——也就是说，你开始想清楚，你到底喜欢对方身体的哪一点，结果你会发现，你欣赏的那些特质，根本不是他们独有的。

But the interesting thing is that dietema says once you're in this place where you love someone for their body, if you start to look closer at that feeling that you have towards this person in other words, if you think about what exactly it is that you love about their body, what inevitably happens is that you start to notice the things you like about this person's body are not exclusive to them in any way.

这世上多的是拥有同样特质的身体。

There's a lot of other bodies out there that have these exact same qualities.

最后你就会意识到，可能有成千上万，甚至上百万个身体，你都可能爱上。

You eventually realize there are thousands, if not millions of bodies out there that you might potentially love.

就像苏格拉底那样，他跑到广场上，问别人‘勇气’是什么，把各种说法都翻出来，找找它们的共同点，想搞明白勇气到底是什么。

Now much like Socrates does, where he goes into the public square, he asks people for their definition of, say, courage, and he looks at all the different definitions and tries to find what's similar about them to hopefully arrive at a better understanding of what courage is.

同样的，你也可以看看你爱过的这上百万个身体，试着找出它们之间的共同之处。

In the same way, maybe you take a look at all these millions of bodies that you love try to find out what's similar between them.

等到这一步走完，你剩下的，就是一种特定类型的人。

And at the end of that process, what you're left with is a certain type of person.

比如说，你就偏爱棕头发蓝眼睛的人，相当于有了一个固定偏好类型。

You know, I like people with brown hair and blue eyes, for example, a a type.

但要记住，这只是这个进阶过程的第一步而已。

But remember, this is only the first rung on this ladder.

蒂俄提玛说，就算你走到这一步，接下来的发展也是必然的：那个你迷恋其身体的人，

Dietima says that once you get to this place, then what happens is this person whose body you're in love with, well, it's inevitable.

你大概率会和他们长期相处，朝夕相伴。

You're probably gonna be spending a considerable amount of time around them.

对吧？

Right?

到头来，要是你和这个人相处够久，你就会意识到，他远不止他的肉体那么简单。

Eventually, if you spend enough time with them, what you have to realize is that this person is more than just their body.

他可不是一具没灵魂的躯壳。

This person's more than just a piece of meat.

不是的。

No.

他们是个活生生的人。

They're a person.

他们心里有感情。

They have feelings inside.

我们会发现，能跟他们聊很多有趣的想法、看法和见解。

We realize that we can have conversations with them about all their really interesting thoughts, opinions, and ideas on things.

戴蒂玛说，等我们跟他们聊够了，就会明白，爱没想象中那么肤浅。

Dai Tima says that what eventually happens after we've had enough of these conversations with them, you start to realize that love is not as shallow as you first thought it was.

当然，你爱他们的身体，就是你爱的那副躯体。

Sure, you love their body, that body that you love.

对，现在看着是挺不错的。

Yeah, okay, it looks good now.

听好了，管你是不是阿诺·施瓦辛格。

Look, I don't care if you're Arnold Schwarzenegger.

好吧。

Okay.

五十年后，你的身体也会像我们所有人一样，干瘪得跟葡萄干似的。

In fifty years, your body's gonna look like a sun dried tomato like the rest of us.

戴蒂玛说，当你真正爱上一个人的性格——她称之为灵魂时，你会发现一种更深沉的爱。

Dietima says what you realize is that there's a deeper form of love available to you by loving someone's personality, or as she refers to it, the soul.

大多数人这一辈子，其实都困在了前两个阶段。

Now, it's in these first two stages that most people spend their entire lives.

你想啊，普通人恋爱的轨迹不就是这样吗？

I mean, you think about the progression of the average person's love life.

二十多岁的时候，可能谈过几段放纵的感情。

Maybe throughout their twenties, they have a few debaucherous relationships.

虽然对方性格不合适，但因为觉得对方长得好看，就硬是忍了。

Maybe they're with the wrong people personality wise, but they tend to overlook it because they think they're attractive.

后来，他们开始想要更成熟一点的人。

Maybe eventually, they want someone more mature than that.

最后终于遇到一个性格令自己欣赏的人，于是决定和对方结婚。

Maybe they end up finding someone whose personality they admire, they decide to get married to that person.

但光这样，还不一定就上了第二级台阶。

But that doesn't put you on the second rung of the ladder necessarily.

我的意思是，哪怕你嫁的人性格特别好，大多数人的感情里，还是有一只脚踩在身体吸引这层上。

I mean, even if you find yourself admiring something about the personality of someone you're married to, when it comes to most people's relationships, you still have one foot in the door of this bodily love.

对吧？

Right?

我的意思是，不管对方性格多完美。

I mean, don't care if somebody has the best personality in the world.

但如果长得像《指环王》里的咕噜，大多数人也不会娶他。

Most people aren't gonna marry them if they look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

大多数人其实都是在身体吸引和灵魂爱慕之间找了个平衡。

Most people sort of settle into a mixture between bodily love and love of the soul.

不过我要提醒一点，一辈子困在梯子的任何一级，并不意味着你就是个坏人。

Now an important thing to note, I think, is that getting stuck in any of these rungs on this ladder for your entire life doesn't make you a bad person.

柏拉图会说，这依然是爱。

Plato would say, it's still love.

爱是件好事。

Love is a good thing.

所有的爱都是好的。

All this love is good.

关键在于，你这一生能体会到多少这种美好。

The question just becomes, how much of a good thing do you experience throughout your life?

一旦你爱上了一个人的那些性格特质，就会像对身体的爱一样，你渐渐明白，这些让你心动的特质并不是他们独有的。

Because what happens once you love this collection of personality traits that somebody has is that just like in the case of the bodily love, what you realize is that these characteristics that you love about someone aren't somehow exclusive to them.

你开始发现，世界上有成千上万的人也拥有同样的特质。

Now you realize there are thousands of other people out there that embody these very same characteristics.

意识到这点，对理解阶梯的第三层来说，意义重大——它揭开了蒙在你眼前的迷雾，让你能继续往上走。

Now the greater implication of realizing this to diatema is that it removes this visage that's been clouding your ability to move on to the third rung of the ladder.

真正理解爱，就是明白爱不是两个人之间独有的互动，它不该被局限在两个人之间。

That to truly understand love is to understand that love is not this interpersonal exchange between two people that can only exist between two people.

你终于明白，你爱的那些东西，其实跟这个人本身没什么关系。

What you realize is that what you love about this other person really has nothing to do with them as a human being.

你爱的其实是他们身上体现的那些理念。

What you love are concepts that they embody.

再回到迪特玛的观点，一旦你明白了这点，下一步就是意识到，你爱的这个人并不是凭空出现的。

Now, again, to Dietema, once you realize this, the next step is to realize that person you love was not born in a vacuum.

他可不是被放在尼罗河的篮子里，让一群河马养大的。

This person was not floated down the River Nile in a basket and and raised as one of their own by a pack of hippos.

明白吧？

Okay?

这个人出生在一个特定的文化环境里，由一群有着自己观念的人抚养长大。

This person was born into a very specific cultural context by a very specific group of people who all had ideas of their own.

这时候你才明白，你如此喜爱的这些性格特质，其实都是由特定的文化、法律和制度塑造出来的。

And what you realize at this point is that everything about this personality that you love so much really was forged by certain aspects of culture, laws and institutions that cultivated these personality traits that this person embodies that you love.

最终，阶梯上接下来的几级是这样的：

The ultimate point is the next few rungs in the ladder are as follows.

爱你所爱之人背后那些塑造他们的法律与制度，然后进一步爱上对这些制度和法律的理解，最终升华为对知识本身的热爱。

Loving the laws and institutions that create the people or things that you love, then a a love of knowledge of those laws and institutions that turns into a love of knowledge itself.

最后，上升到对美本身或善本身的柏拉图式爱恋。

Finally, culminating in a love of the platonic form of beauty or the good itself.

我们之前聊过很多关于这最后三个台阶的有趣话题。

Tons of interesting conversations we had about these last three rungs.

我猜你们都急着想听吧。

I'm sure you're all clamoring for them.

但我觉得最重要的是，假设你这辈子都没能爬到这梯子的顶端，没真正理解美的本质。

But I think what's most important to say is that, look, let's say you never get to the top rung of this ladder where you understand the form of beauty itself.

这不代表你笨。

That doesn't make you a dumb person.

也不代表你是个坏人。

That doesn't make you a bad person.

尼采的意思是，当你一步步往上爬这个梯子时，恋爱带来的美好感受会越来越强烈。

Nietzsche is just saying that the good feelings you feel when you're experiencing love greatly increase with each successive rung that you move up on this ladder.

就像一只狗，第一次尝到人血的味道那样。

And that much like a dog, yeah, a dog that's got a little taste of human blood for the first time.

一旦尝过那种滋味，就再也回不去吃狗粮了。

Once they tasted it, they can never go back to lamb and rice elbow.

一旦你尝过梯子上那一级的禁果，其他形式的爱就都显得没那么吸引人了。

That once you've tasted that forbidden fruit on the next rung of the ladder, all the other forms of love sort of just lose their appeal.

怎么都比不上你已经体验过的那种感觉。

They're not as good as what you've already experienced.

这种感觉，我相信大家都能想象得出来吧？

I'm sure we can all imagine that right?

你这一辈子，爱的都是人的外表。

Like for your whole life, all you did was love people for their body.

结果突然间，你跟个长得像鹈鹕的播客主播在一起了，结果他莫名其妙在录播客时出了意外。

And then all of a sudden, get together with some pelican looking podcaster dude, and he dies in some tragic podcasting related incident.

经历过这种更高层次的爱之后，再回头只因为外表去谈恋爱，总觉得少了点什么。

After experiencing that higher level of love on this ladder, it stands to reason that if you went back and had a relationship that was just for the body, it'd probably feel like something's missing there.

至少我每天都是这么安慰自己的。

At least that's what I tell myself every day.

所以呢，如果你从头听这个播客，应该知道，这个在《会饮篇》里提出的爱情等级观，为中世纪的爱情观铺了路——那时候认为，最基础、最 flawed 的爱，就是对肉体的爱。

So as you know, if you've listened to this podcast from the beginning, is that this hierarchical conception of love that's laid out in the symposium, it paved the way for love as it was laid out in the Middle Ages that love in its most basic flawed form is love of the body.

有些人甚至觉得，这根本算不上爱。

Some people would even say that we shouldn't consider that love.

那叫欲望。

It's considered lust.

然后才是对他人的情感，再往上是追求真理的爱，但这些都比不上最高级的爱——对上帝的爱。

That moves on to a love of your fellow human beings that moves on to a love of the truth, all of which is inferior to the ultimate love, the love of God.

这种观念主导了人们对爱情的理解，持续了相当长一段时间。

And this became the dominant perception for what love is for quite some time.

虽然在此之前也有人零星讨论过爱，但到了18世纪中期左右，关于‘如何去爱一个人’这个概念，突然发生了很有趣的变化。

And although there was work done sporadically on love before this, something very interesting happens to the concept of love right about the mid eighteenth century, more specifically with the way that you treat somebody that you love.

说白了，就是浪漫主义崛起了。

What happened was, well, romanticism happened.

浪漫主义，就像我们之前说的，是个文化运动。

Romanticism, as we talked about before, is a cultural movement.

有人甚至说，这是一种系统化的思想体系，规定了人应该如何与周围世界互动。

Some would even say it's a codified doctrine of ideas about the way human beings should be interacting with various aspects of the world that they live in.

而我们对待所爱之人的态度，就属于这个大框架之下。

Falling underneath that umbrella, of course, is the way that we treat people that we love.

浪漫主义通常被视为对之前那个时代的反叛，那时候人们太看重理性，凡事都要靠逻辑来下结论。

Romanticism is oftentimes seen as a pushback to an era that came just before it, where there was a lot of emphasis put on reason as the way to arrive at conclusions about things.

理性用过头了。

Too much reason.

总得有个更好的办法吧。

There's gotta be a better way.

从历史上看，谈恋爱或者结婚，从来就不像今天这样，主要基于那种所谓的‘浪漫感情’。

Maybe the best place to start is to say that, historically speaking, being in a relationship with somebody or getting married hasn't always been about what we would often call today romantic feelings that you have towards this other person.

过去的人结婚，原因五花八门：为了经济上划算，为了有个亲戚能帮你升职，各种现实考量都有。

People used to get married for all kinds of practical reasons because it was financially prudent to do so, because they had a relative that could help you greatly advance your career, any number of reasons.

可现在呢？你要是因为对方有钱才结婚，别人一听都觉得你这人有问题。

Now in today's world, if you got married to somebody simply because it was a good financial move for you, people wouldn't really take too kindly to that.

人家会说你结婚的动机全错了，总觉得少了点什么。

They tell you you're getting married for all the wrong reasons, that something's missing there.

那这种想法到底是从哪儿来的呢？

Well, where did that come from?

很大一部分原因，得追溯到十八世纪中期兴起的浪漫主义运动。

A big part of it comes from this movement of romanticism in the mid seventeen hundreds.

浪漫主义宣扬：你一定能遇到一个人，慢慢了解后，就会燃起强烈的情感，就像恋爱初期那样，而且这种炽热的感觉，应该贯穿你们一生，永不褪色。

Romanticism pushes the idea that it's possible and even expected to meet someone, you get to know them, you feel these intense romantic feelings that you often feel in the beginning of a relationship, and you should expect this heightened emotional state to persist indefinitely all throughout the course of your lives together.

就是人们常说的‘一生一世的爱情’。

A a lifelong love story, as it's often put.

选伴侣、挑配偶，不该看现实因素，比如对事业有没有帮助这类事。

That the litmus test for who you should love or who you should marry shouldn't be based on practical considerations, like how good it is for your career or something like that.

真正该由你一开始的那种感觉说了算。

But that these initial feelings that we have, they're gonna decide for us.

当你遇到一个人，心里一颤，觉得就是他了——那你就找对了。

When you meet someone and they make you feel this way, you've done it.

你现在找到了你的灵魂伴侣。

You have now found your soulmate.

你找到了那个唯一适合你的人。

You found the one and only someone for you.

从今往后，你和你的灵魂伴侣将开启一场全程免费的甜蜜之旅，每一天都爱得更深一点。

From this point forward, you and your soulmate are gonna be enjoying an all expenses paid vacation where every day of your lives, you fall deeper and deeper in love with them with each passing day.

关系里觉得无聊了怎么办？

Any boredom within the relationship?

会不会想别人，或者想尝点新鲜的？

Any longings for somebody else or novelty within that relationship?

这些在长期关系里根本不该出现。

That's not something that should be expected in a long term relationship.

这些都得避开。

That's something to be avoided.

你得主动防止这种情况发生。

You need to prevent that.

这说明你们的关系出了问题。

It's a sign that the relationship's not going well.

这是在折磨你们感情的恶魔，得把它赶走。

It's a demon that's tormenting the relationship that needs to be exercised.

在传统的浪漫观念里，虽然不同时期有不同说法，但大体上是这样的：如果你真的深爱一个人，却连他们最糟的样子都接受不了，那你就不配拥有他们最好的一面。

Now in many traditional conceptions of romanticism, and there's some variants here because we're talking about a very large period of time, but the general idea is that when you love someone deeply enough, deeply, if you can't accept them at their worst, you don't deserve them at their best.

真正爱一个人，就是要包容他们所有的缺点。

That to truly love someone is to be tolerant of all their shortcomings as people.

你懂的吧？

You know?

爱是耐心的。

Love is patient.

爱是温柔的。

Love is kind.

爱是理解的。

Love is understanding.

《哥林多前书》第13章。

Corinthians 13.

有人下班回家，经常心情不好，晚上也不怎么回应你的爱，有些人就会想：哎，算了。

If someone comes home from work and a lot of the times they're in a bad mood and they're not really reciprocating that love every night, some people might say, you know what?

我爱这个人。

I love this person.

我知道这不代表他全部的样子。

I understand this isn't the entirety of who they are.

我知道现在这事儿跟我没关系。

I understand this isn't about me right now.

没错。

Sure.

他现在这样对我，确实让我难受，但我先去做点别的，让他自己消化一下情绪。

The way they're treating me in this moment makes me feel bad, but I'm gonna go find something else to do while they work through these emotions.

再比如，有人辞职去追梦，当起了街头艺人——小丑，或者默剧演员。

Another example, if someone quits their job and they pursue their dream of becoming a street performer, performer, a mime, a mime.

假设他街头表演哑剧整整三年，可大家就是不买账，觉得他的表演糟透了，你说怎么办？

And let's say they go out mime in the streets for three years, and people just don't seem to like their act that much, you know, kind of boxes that it's horrible.

有人可能会说：唉，咱们也没多少钱了。

Someone might say, well, you know what, we may not have that much money.

是啊，他大可以回去干原来那份工作，帮衬一下家里的开销。

And yes, they could easily go back to their other job and help out.

可我根本不在乎咱们以后得过得多苦、住得多差。

But I don't care if we have to live in squalor for the rest of our lives.

只要咱们俩能在一起，心里那份热乎劲儿还在，就够了。

At least we'll be together with these strong feelings that we have.

有意思的是，很多关于爱情的浪漫想法都要求你对某些事极度包容，却对另一些事寸步不让。

What's interesting to think about is that many of these romantic ideas of love ask you to be totally tolerant about some things, but totally intolerant about other selective things.

比如，如果你爱的人对别人动了心，或者天天挑你的毛病，说你这儿那儿都得改，又或者根本不跟你亲热——这些都不是你能忍一忍就过去的，这分明是关系出了大问题。

I mean, if the person you love has romantic feelings for somebody else, or if they're telling you tons of things you need to change about yourself, or if they're not fornicating with you on a regular basis, These are all signs that there's something deeply wrong with the relationship, not things you need to be tolerant of.

说到底，爱应该是一种直觉，一种你心里实实在在感受到的东西。

Again, love should be this highly intuitive thing, this feeling that you got.

你知道吗，你在大学里花了六年时间，学着当牙医。

You know, you spent six years of your life at the university, learned to become a dentist.

但一说到该怎么去爱、该爱谁、为什么要爱这些事，我完全是凭感觉瞎撞。

But when it comes to asking how to love or who to love or why to love or anything like that, that stuff, I was kind of wing it.

反正到时候再说吧。

I'll figure it out.

如果这听起来有点怪，那你得记住，浪漫主义本来就是反对那种事事都要讲道理的世界。

Now, if this sounds strange, remember, romanticism is a movement that was the antithesis to a world where they thought we were reasoning way too much about the ways we behave.

别管什么理性不理性了。

Now, forget reasoning.

真正重要的是，你对这个人是什么感觉。

What really matters is how you feel about this person.

你看过《单身汉》这节目吗？

Like, have you ever seen the bachelor?

就是那个《单身汉》？

The show the bachelor?

我当然没看过。

I haven't, of course.

但我要是看过，肯定得说，这节目近几年简直大变样了。

But if I ever had, I would have to say, man, look at what that show's become in the last few years.

真是今非昔比啊。

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, I would say.

第一集的时候，我还真可能爱上这小子。

First episode, I think I could potentially fall in love with this guy.

到第三集，我都觉得自己有点动心了。

Third episode, I think I might be falling for him right now.

到第五集。

Fifth episode.

行吧。

Okay.

这会儿我肯定是真陷进去了。

Now I've definitely started the falling process.

我被什么东西绊了一下。

I I tripped on something.

我身子有点不稳。

I I'm off balance.

重力确实把我往下拉，但我还没真摔下去。

Gravity is definitely pulling my trajectory in the downward motion, but I haven't quite fallen yet.

这些人到底在聊啥啊？

What are these people even talking about?

你要是把理性从这事儿里彻底赶走，结果就是这样。

This is what you get when you fully eradicate reason from this process.

一堆模糊的情绪在等另一个模糊的情绪冒出来，结果连他们自己都说不清到底有没有那种感觉。

Vague emotional states waiting for some other vague emotional state to arise, and people honestly can't even tell you whether they're actually in them or not.

但关键是——

But here's the thing.

如果听起来像在批评，那确实听上去是有点批评的意思。

If that sounds critical, it sounds like it came off critical.

这完全不是他们的错。

This is not their fault at all.

从出生起，他们看过的每一部电视剧、浪漫喜剧和迪士尼电影，都在告诉他们恋爱该是什么样子。

This is just what they've been told to expect when it comes to finding a long term relationship by every TV show, rom com and Disney movie they've ever come across from the moment they were born.

有这种期待，真没必要自责。

Nobody should feel bad about having this expectation.

这真不是他们的错。

It's not their fault.

是文化的问题。

It's culture's fault.

其实，带着这种期待进入一段关系，也没什么不对。

And even on that note, there's nothing wrong with bringing this expectation into your relationships, really.

我只是觉得，现在的很多评论家会说，如果你真这么期待，除非运气好到中彩票，不然大概率会失望透顶。

I just think a lot of modern commentators would say that if you do choose to bring in these expectations, barring a level of luck comparable to winning the lottery, you're probably going to end up being largely disappointed by your relationships.

这要求也太高了。

It's such a tall order to fill.

大多数人回看自己感情史的‘作品集’。

Most people look at the discography of their love life.

大多数人往往会拖着一段关系走太久，不断告诉自己这个人就是灵魂伴侣。

Most people are probably going to stick it out in a relationship far too long, telling themselves this person is their soulmate.

等到有一天彻底崩盘了，他们才回过神来：其实早就有迹可循了。

And then one day when it all goes up in flames, they'll tell themselves well, you know what, looking back, the signs were there all along.

也许下一个人才是我命中注定的那个人。

Maybe this next person's my one and only someone.

我的瑞恩·高斯林在哪？

Where's my Ryan Gosling?

或者，六个月后他们突然觉得：唉，怎么再也找不回当初那种心跳的感觉了。

Either that or they'll find themselves six months in saying, man, I just don't get those butterflies I used to get.

也许他根本不是对的人。

Maybe they're not the one for me.

于是他们用一辈子去等一场可能永远不会来的六十年真爱。

And they spend their whole lives looking for this sixty year love affair that might not ever come.

正因如此，现代人谈爱情时，通常都会从这一点切入。

Now, it's because of this fact that when most modern thinkers talk about love, they usually start from this point in the discussion.

其中最有名的说法之一，来自一个叫叔本华的人。

And one of the most famous accounts of love ever was by a guy named Arthur Schopenhauer.

他讲过一个寓言，说婚姻就像两只刺猬想靠在一起取暖。

He has this parable, where he he compares marriage to two porcupines trying to huddle together to keep warm.

而经营一段爱情，就是找到一个刚好合适的距离——既能互相温暖，又不会因为刺太近而扎伤对方。

And that the art of being with somebody that you love is trying to find the right distance where you're still keeping each other warm, but you're not so close that your porcupine spikes are stabbing each other.

不过对叔本华来说，一切归根结底都是生存本能驱动的欲望。

You know, to Chopin, however, everything's about this survival oriented will to life.

当我们结婚、陷入浪漫关系时，

And that when we get married, we have these romantic relationships.

真正吸引我们的，其实是对方身上那些我们自己欠缺的地方。

What we're attracted to in someone else are really what we see as our shortcomings.

潜意识里我们希望，如果对方能补上我们的短板，那些弱点就不太可能拖累我们过得更好。

The hope being subconsciously that if your counterpart makes up for these areas that you're a little bit weaker in, that those weaknesses are probably gonna be less likely to prevent you from prospering.

你们俩在一起，整体上会过得更好。

As a unit, you guys are better off together.

这就引出了弗里德里希·尼采。

Now this brings us to the great Fredrik Nietzsche.

尼采对爱的看法，其实有很多层意思。

Nietzsche's feeling love, there there there's multiple layers to it.

一方面，就像他对其他我们自以为坚定的信念所做的那样，他想让我们反思：在爱一个人的时候，我们到底有多无私。

On one hand, just like he tries to do with everything else we tell ourselves we have these strong convictions about, he's trying to get us to question how selfless we're actually being when we love someone.

但另一方面，他并没有否定爱情本身，更没说谁不该去爱。

But on the other hand, he's not denouncing anyone for being in love, and he's certainly not saying that nobody should be in love.

你看，就像我们之前说的，尼采特别推崇赫拉克利特。

See, Nietzsche, as we talked about before, huge fan of Heraclitus.

他特别喜欢把两个我们通常觉得对立的东西拿出来，看看它们其实只是同一事物在不同角度的体现。

Loves the idea of looking at two things that we commonly think of as opposites and finding ways that they're actually the same thing manifesting itself in two different ways.

比如白天和黑夜。

For example, day and night.

这是两种截然不同、彼此对立的东西，还是其实只是同一件事在两种不同状态下的表现？

Are these two different things that are opposites, or are we talking about the same thing that's just in two different states?

他在剖析爱的心理时，也是这个道理。

Same thing goes when he breaks down the psychology of love.

很多人说起爱一个人，总会说：爱就是比爱自己更在乎对方。

Oftentimes, people when they talk about loving someone, they'll say things like, love is caring about somebody more than you care about yourself.

我爱这个人。

I love this person.

我愿意为他付出一切。

I would sacrifice anything for them.

我全心全意、毫不自私地投入在这段关系里。

I'm completely selflessly committed to this other being.

尼采会说：真巧啊，这个人这么努力地把自己塑造成一个无私的人。

Now Nietzsche would say, how convenient that this person is trying so hard to paint themselves as such a selfless person.

你知道爱的真相到底是什么吗？

Because you know what love truly is?

当你仔细一看，爱其实特别像贪婪。

When you look at it closely enough, love starts to strongly resemble greed.

他说，贪婪和爱——

He says, quote, greed and love.

这两个词听起来完全不一样，对吧？

What different feeling these two terms evoke.

但说不定，这只是同一个本能，换了两个名字而已。

Nevertheless, it could be the same instinct that has two names.

一个是由那些已经拥有、欲望稍平、又怕失去的人贬低的；另一个则是由那些仍不满足、仍渴望、因而把这本能美化成美德的人推崇的。

Once deprecated by those who have and whom the instinct has calmed down to some extent and who are afraid for their possessions, and the other times seen from the point of view of those who are not satisfied but still thirsty and who therefore glorify the instinct as good, end quote.

换句话说，我们总爱给自己贴金，告诉自己：‘我这么做都是因为爱，我多伟大啊’，而一说到贪婪，就觉得那是坏东西。

In other words, we love to pat ourselves on the back, tell ourselves how great we are for doing things in the name of loving this other person, and we oftentimes think of somebody who's greedy in a negative light.

但要是爱和贪婪，其实只是同一个本能，以不同方式表现出来呢？

But what if love and greed are the same instinct manifesting itself in different ways?

说到底，不管是哪个词，背后都是这种渴望——想让某样东西变成‘我的’，就像他说的，把新东西吞进自己体内。

That at the root of either of these words is this instinct or this desire that something will be ours, or as he puts it, to change something new into ourselves.