EP 211：与Nicole Dombrowski一起寻找美好

所以大家都说，哦，我要去买辆车。

So everyone's like, oh, I'm gonna go buy a car.

我要搬到渔村去。

I'm gonna go move to the fish town.

我就想，我大概要去康复中心了。

I was like, I'm gonna go to rehab, I guess.

但我没有毒瘾，也不怎么喝酒。

But I don't have a drug problem, and I don't drink like that.

那这叫什么？

So what is this called?

我称之为大脑康复。

I call it brain rehab.

我去了大脑康复中心。

I went to brain rehab.

我的心灵康复。

My mind rehab.

你知道什么真的很酷吗？

You know what's what's really cool?

首先，我很感谢你分享这些，谢谢。

First of all, I appreciate you sharing that and Thanks.

对。

Yeah.

我很感谢你分享一切，这么坦诚。

I appreciate you sharing everything and just being so open.

我想我们可能稍后会谈到这个，但事实上，你生命中有一些阶段，也许是漫长的阶段，你不想让任何人看到伤痛、不完美，或者那些乱七八糟的事情。

I think maybe we'll get to this later, but the fact that there were seasons of your life, maybe long stretches of your life where you didn't want anybody to see the hurt or the imperfections or, you know, the messiness.

而现在你到了一个地步，分享这些变得有意义，甚至在某些方面你觉得有必要分享，我觉得这真的很特别。

And now you're at a place where it makes sense and maybe even in some ways you feel compelled to share them, I think is really special.

我想说的是，你之前谈到了完美主义、生产力、赢得奖杯和奖牌等等。

And the point I wanna make is you spoke earlier about the perfectionism, the productivity, the earning the trophies and medals, etcetera.

那就像是应对策略。

Like that was the coping strategy.

然后在你人生的这个阶段，基本上是自己去康复中心，你用了那些你建立起来的技能来应对情绪和处理事情。

And then in this season of your life, checking yourself into rehab, essentially, you used those skills that you had built as coping mechanisms for feelings and things you were processing.

你把这些技能用在了真正有利于你发展和成长的事情上，我觉得这真的很特别。

You took that and you applied it to something that was truly productive for your development and growth, and I think that's really special.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得这太不可思议了。

I think that I it's crazy.

你其实，你知道我们之前聊过的，比如，你觉得你做过的最难的事情是什么？

You actually you know, how we talked before, like, what do you think the the something that you chose was the hardest thing that you did?

嗯。

Mhmm.

我觉得就是那个。

I think it was that.

因为那就像是，天哪。

Because it was like, dang.

我知道我不会擅长这个，而且我会讨厌它。

I know I'm not gonna be good at this, and I'm gonna hate this.

但你知道吗？

But you know what?

我还是会去做。

I'm gonna do it.

而且这给了我更多的宽容，我们会在人生的下一个阶段再聊这个，因为后面还有更多故事。

And it just gives me more grace, which we'll talk, you know, in the next season of my life too because there's quite more to the story.

但我觉得它给了我宽容。

But I think it gave me grace.

就像，所有的一切，那种耐力。

Like, everything, the endurance.

对吧？

Right?

我们经常聊那个词，那就是我一直被你吸引的原因，你的整个思想、心态、项目，所有的一切，那个耐力词，它是在为我人生这个阶段即将到来的12英里或24英里跑步做准备。

We got talk about that word a lot, which was what I have been so drawn to your whole, you know, your whole thought, mindset, projects, everything like that, the endurance word of this was setting me up for the like, for that 12 mile or the 24 mile run that I was going to have at this season of my life.

对，就是这样。

And it was like, yeah.

你知道吗？

You know what?

我完全走出了舒适区，但现在我对那些需要去康复中心的人，比如戒酒或心理健康问题的人，有了更多的理解、同情和同理心。我以前总觉得，那永远不会是我。

I am totally out of my comfort zone, but I now have more of a understanding, compassion, empathetic view on people who do have to go to rehab for, like a sobriety or, you know, mental health or anyone in that world that I always thought that, oh, that would never be me.

比如，我高中毕业时是班里前20名。

Like, I graduated top 20 in my class.

现在我觉得那是我理解那个世界的通道，因为那些问题都会积累。

Like now I feel like that was my, like, tunnel to get to that understanding of that world too because they all fester.

心理健康是非常真实的。

Mental health is so real.

而且很可悲的是，我觉得我们这一代人，成长过程中被灌输的观念是，你不谈论这些事情。

And it's just so it's sad that I feel like we're kinda in a close in age that we grew up with this idea of like, you don't talk about those things.

是的。

Yep.

你不能谈论这些，那会让你显得不完美。

You don't talk about that and that makes you an imperfect person.

你得把这些藏在门后。

You keep that behind closed doors.

你不能在学校里表现出来。

You don't bring that out at school.

人们会评判你的。

People will judge you.

比如，什么？

Like, what?

哦，你，你不是完美的？

Oh, you're you're not perfect?

对。

Yeah.

可不是嘛。

No kidding.

我们谁都不是完美的。

None of us are.

所以再说一次，我觉得这就是我职业工作的来源。

So again, like, I think that's where my work comes from professionally.

我想要那个混乱的孩子。

I want the messy kid.

我想要那个八年级学生，你知道，他正经历糟糕的一个月、糟糕的一年。

I want the eighth grader who's having, you know, a terrible month, a terrible year.

我想要那个被转学四次、跟老师和所有人打架的孩子。

I want the kid that was transferred four times, who's fist fighting the teacher and everyone.

我喜欢这种混乱，因为我自己就是混乱的，我完全理解他们的感受。

Like, I I love the mess because I was the mess, and I know exactly how they feel.

所以很酷的是，我的人生简直就是为了让我走向社区服务而设定的，而我的工作就是服务。

So it's cool that, like, my life was literally set up to gear me towards a life of community service and my work is service.

是的。

Yeah.

这太美了。

It's so beautiful.

这让我想起另一期节目，有人说过一些话，现在又浮现在我脑海里。那是本播客的第一百一十一期，也就是一百期之前。

Just just to tie this to another episode where someone said something that's coming back to mind, episode one eleven of this podcast, so a 100 episodes ago.

真是不可思议。

It's crazy.

乔丹·奎因说过类似这样的话：他以前总觉得自己的问题跟着自己，但他会想象自己走进杂货店，以为问题就会在他避开它们的时候离开停车场。

Jordan Quinn, he said something to the effect of he always used to think that, like, his problems were with him, but he'd just mentally go into the grocery store and just think his problems would just leave the parking lot while he was in the grocery store avoiding them.

但他后来在人生的某个时刻意识到，当他在杂货店里时，他的问题正在停车场做俯卧撑，等着他回来。

But he realized at a certain point in life that when he was in the grocery store, his problems were doing pushups in the parking lot waiting for him to get back.

我当时就想，对。

And I was like, yeah.

你知道，它们不会就这么消失。

You know, they don't just go away.

对吧？

Right?

你得去面对它们。

You've gotta address them.

而且我觉得，就像你说的，我们这一代人成长的环境里，坦率地承认自己 struggling 的不完美和混乱，并不是一件酷、流行或被接受的事。

And I think that, like you said, we weren't raised in a generation where it was cool or popular or accepted to be open and honest about the imperfect messiness of what we were struggling with.

我希望这样的对话能让其他人更愿意、更有能力敞开心扉谈论自己的挣扎，因为这太重要了。

And I I hope that conversations like this can make other people feel a little bit more willing and able to open up about their own struggles because it's so important.

对。

Yeah.

而且我得说，再说一次，我不知道我们有没有深入聊过我们和孩子们做的那件事的后续影响。

And I have to say, like, again, I don't know how much we talked about the after effect of, like, our thing that we did with the kids.

我不知道你是否想多解释一下，但那段短短的二十分钟、十五分钟的你和播客的真诚分享，实际上引导我和我的学生们进行了一场很好的对话，关于对自己诚实、关注心理健康、不害怕谈论它、寻求帮助。

I don't know if you wanna explain that more, but having that little, like, blurb, that twenty, fifteen minutes of you and and the podcasting and being authentic actually led us into, my students and I, a really good conversation about like being honest with ourselves, checking in mental health, not being afraid to talk about it, seek help.

我当时想，我希望——我现在起鸡皮疙瘩了——我希望我在五年级或六年级，或者九年级、十一年级，甚至大学时就能有这样的对话。

It was like, I wish, and I'm getting the chills because it's like, I wish I had that in fifth or sixth grade or in ninth grade or in eleventh grade or even in college.

我觉得，你知道，我们作为一个世界，在集体做着非常好的工作，不仅仅是揭露心理健康问题，而是说，嘿。

Like, I think, you know, we're doing really good work collectively as just a world to to not just expose the mental health, but be like, hey.

没关系。

It's okay.

去寻求帮助。

Ask for help.

我们有资源。

Like, we have resources.

所以从我们经历过的、学到的，到他们现在拥有的，我心想，天哪。

So from what we've we've had and what we've learned to what they have now, I'm like, dang.

看到这些真是太棒了。

This is so cool to see.

因为我知道这会帮助很多孩子，而且这让我觉得我们现在进行的这场对话，哪怕只触动一个人，或者，天哪，哪怕二十二年后触动到我女儿，那我也算尽到了我的责任。

Just because I know it'll help so many kids and it just makes me feel like this conversation we're having right now, even if it touches one person or shit, if it touches my daughter twenty two years down the road, like, I did my job.

我帮助了别人。

I helped somebody.

我让某个人感到不再孤单。

I made someone feel not alone.

对。

Yeah.

我觉得这就是全部的意义所在。

I think that is what it's all about.

而且，你知道，我们会继续讲你的故事，因为你说得对。

And, you know, we'll keep going through your story because you're right.

还有很多内容。

There is a lot more to it.

所以我们现在讲到研究生毕业了，带我们往前走吧，因为那种沉重感并没有停止。

So so we're at we're at post grad now and take us take us forward because the heaviness doesn't doesn't stop.

不幸的是，没有。

Unfortunately, no.

忍耐的深度只会更深一些。

The end the endurance just gets a little deeper.

所以，天哪，研究生毕业后，你知道，我在拯救世界。

So, god, postgrad, you know, I'm saving the world.

我是个刚入职的新老师。

I'm a fresh new teacher.

我每天都在改变世界。

I'm changing the world one day at a time.

头三年就是这样，然后我就想，哦，好吧。

That's like the first three years, and I'm like, oh, okay.

咱们加快点节奏吧。

Let's let's speed it up a little bit.

一开始我教的是那种非常标准化的三年级课堂，可爱又有艺术感，挺好的。

So I start with, like, a very cookie cutter, third grade classroom, cutesy, artsy, you know, great.

然后我就想，这很好，但对我来说还不够。

And then I'm like, this is great, but this is not doing it for me.

所以我换了学校，去了那种市中心的环境，你知道的，更艰难，更难接触到的孩子。

So I change I change my my school, and I go into, like, an inner city, you know, more gritty, harder child to reach type of environment.

现在我才真正开始干活了。

And now I'm in the work.

我现在教五六年级。

I'm in fifth, sixth grade.

有时候我也当教导主任。

I'm a dean sometimes.

我教科学。

I'm science.

所以，无意冒犯各位科学人士，但科学不是对每个人都那么好的。

So, like, no offense, science people out there, but science is not great for everyone.

而且那是一门很难的科目。

And it was a really hard subject.

真的是一门很难教的课。

It was, like, a really hard subject to teach.

因为像平流层啊，还有那些疯狂的原子方程式，看不见摸不着的东西，我怎么教啊？

Because how am I supposed to teach, like, you know, stratospheres and all these other crazy atomic equations and nonsense when, like, you can't see it.

对吧？

Right?

所以我想要更多，而且我确实觉得，哦，我得到了更多。

So I wanted more, and I surely was like, oh, I got more.

但就是在那里，我看到了工作的成果，然后我想，好吧。

But that's where, like, I saw the work being done, and I was like, okay.

这就是我想做的事。

This is this is what I wanna do.

这就是我的生活。

This is my life.

虽然辛苦，但很有成就感。

Like, this is hard, but this is fulfilling.

所以我现在教书，已经好几年了，我又觉得，这还不够。

So I'm teaching now, let's say, years, and I'm like, this isn't enough again.

你知道吗？

You know?

我想要更多地参与学校的事务。

I I want I want more involvement in the school.

我想要领导职位。

I want leadership.

我想真正帮助那些被赶出我教室的问题孩子。

I want to really help these these problematic kids that are getting taken out of my classroom.

因为有些孩子就是没法待在普通教室里。

Because there were some kids who just couldn't handle being in a general ed classroom.

长话短说，我遇到了一个人脉机会。

Long story short, I come across a a networking opportunity.

我其实是在一家CrossFit健身房里。

I'm actually in a CrossFit gym.

有个人，我跟他聊了我当老师的经历。

And there's a guy who I'm kind of talking to just about my experiences with teaching.

他在教育方面有经验。

He has experience in education.

他说，我觉得你会是个很棒的校长。

And he's like, I think you would be a great principal.

我说，哥们，什么？

I'm like, dude, what?

我才26岁。

I am 26 years old.

不可能。

No way.

他说，我跟你说，你身上就是有那种劲儿，年轻人。

And he is like, I'm telling you, you got there's just something about you, kid.

我让这事儿沉淀了一下。

And I let it sit for a little bit.

我说，不可能。

I'm like, no way.

现在这事儿在我脑子里挥之不去，那团火就像，哦，校长。

Now it's in the back of my head, and that fire is like, oh, principal.

所以我去查了查，他说，听着。

So I look into it, and he's like, listen.

我可以放手让你去做，但你得亲自搞定。

I'll let you do it, but you gotta do it.

过程会非常艰难，而且你可能没法一次性全部完成。

And it's gonna be really hard, and you're probably not gonna be able to get it all done.

毕竟时间上没那么充裕。

Not in, like, a time frame of, hey.

给你一整年的时间。

Here's a year.

把教育方面的资历都攒齐，拿到学位，然后回来当校长。

Do all the education, get the degree, and then come be a principal.

我当时就想，算了吧，哥们儿。

So I'm like, nah, dude.

我觉得我能行。

I think I can do it.

而他愿意给我这个机会。

And he took a chance on me.

他，他录用了我。

He he hired me.

我当时是一名在职的行政人员。

I was an active administrator.

我处理了一些事情，然后埋头苦干，你知道的，我们换了职业，去了一所新学校，开始了一个新的研究生项目，然后我完成了三百六十小时的实习。

I worked out some stuff and and put my ground you know, put my nose to the ground, and we changed careers, went to a new school, started a new postgrad program, and then I see three hundred sixty hours of practicum.

然后我就想，好吧。

And I'm like, okay.

咱们，咱们把它搞定。

Let's let's get it done.

然后我们一点一点地推进。

And we chipped away at it.

而且，你知道，在那所学校的那几年里，我拿到了学位，我做到了。

And, you know, over that couple couple of years within that that school, I got the degree and I did it.

然后我又想，天哪。

And, again, I'm like, holy crap.

我简直不敢相信我真的做到了。

I can't believe that I I did it.

那对我来说是件积极的事。

Like, that was something for me positive.

我真的看到了，经历了，也克服了。

I actually saw it, went through it, worked through it.

而且因为我在接受心理咨询和心理健康服务，我能以积极的方式看待这个成果，而不是那种“我在逃避创伤”的方式。

And because I was getting counseling mental health services, I could appreciate the production in a positive way, not a I'm I'm running from my trauma way.

所以，最终拿到学位、通过考试、完成那些工作时长，并因为努力而感受到成就感，而不是因为创伤，这真的太棒了。

So it was, like, super cool to finally get that degree, pass those tests, do those hours of work, and feel accomplished because of the work, not because of the trauma.

我想多听听这个。

I wanna hear more about that.

我还想多听听后面的故事，因为那之后还有更多。

I also wanna hear more of the story because there's more that comes after that.

但此刻我想到的一个问题是，在咨询、治疗和对话中，是什么帮助你意识到，你可以在工作和过程中找到满足感，而不仅仅是结果？

But one question in this moment that comes up for me is what was it through the counseling, the therapy, the conversations that helped unlock that realization for you that you could find fulfillment in the work, in the process, etcetera, and not just in the outcome?

我觉得就是有人客观地跟我说，嘿。

I think it was just someone objectively being like, hey.

没事的。

It's okay.

就是，会很糟糕。

Like, it's gonna suck.

你会有难熬的日子，但这没关系。

You're gonna have hard days, and it's alright.

而且你能做难做的事。

And you can do do hard things.

对。

Like Yeah.

我觉得真的就是一个我不认识的人，不给我压力，让我把话说出来，让我发泄，偶尔骂几句脏话。

I think it was truly just someone who I didn't know not putting pressure on me, letting me talk through things, letting me spiral, a few curse words here and there.

我觉得就是有人以一种我从未体验过的方式支持我，不是说我的父母或家人不支持我。

Like, I think it was just someone supporting me on a level that I've never been supported before because not that my parents or my family didn't support me.

我其实挺好的，我从小在一个很棒的家庭环境里长大，朋友也都很好，各方面都很好。

I have a great like, I grew up with a great family structure, great friends, great everything in in that world.

但那个人更像是从那个层面支持我，就像是在说，是的，你并不是所有事情都搞明白了。

But it was more of someone who just supported me on the level of like, yeah, you don't have everything figured out.

对。

Yeah.

你确实有一些心理健康问题。

You do have some mental health issues.

那不是一个好的应对方式，但我们会继续往前走。

That wasn't a great coping skill, but we're gonna keep going.

我觉得，就是那种舒适感，对我来说就像是，好吧。

Just having that comfortability, I think, was for me something that was like, alright.

我可能做不好这件事，但你猜怎么着？

I might not do this right, but guess what?

我明天会想办法解决的。

I'm gonna figure it tomorrow.

我觉得一旦你自信到不怕犯错，那感觉就像整个世界都在你手中。

And I think that gives everyone once you are confident enough to make a mistake, it's like the world is at your fingertips.

我觉得我跟你最有共鸣，因为你也说过类似的话。

And I I think I resonated with you the most because you were like, yeah.

我辞掉了公司的工作，心想好吧。

I quit my corporate job, and I was like, alright.

我要开始做播客，还要搞各种事情。

I'm gonna start a podcast, and I'm gonna do all this stuff.

哪怕第一场活动只有二十个人参加，咱们也得干起来。

And there might be 20 people at my first event, but here we go.

一旦你克服了那种心理障碍，或者放下了心里的执念，我觉得你会真正变得无坚不摧，想做什么就一定能做成。

And once you get over that or you have that, like, chip on your shoulder, I feel like you become truthfully unstoppable to whatever you wanna do.

对。

Yeah.

有句老话，我不太清楚出处，但说恐惧是‘宽一英里，深一寸’。

And there's this saying, I don't know where it comes from, but fear is a mile wide and an inch deep.

当你迈出第一步，你会发现，哦，其实我可以站在这里。

And when you step out onto it, you realize, oh, actually, like, I can stand here.

对吧？

Right?

但如果你只是站在后面看，会觉得，哦，这片海洋要把我吞没了。

Like but when you just stand stand back and look at it, it feels like, oh, this ocean is gonna swallow me up.

但就像你说的，迈出第一步、犯第一个错误，然后意识到其实没那么糟，这之后就有很多自由。

But like you said, there's a lot of freedom on the other side of taking the first step, making that first mistake, and recognizing it's actually not that bad.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

这也是我努力遵循的生活准则。

And that's kind of what I I try to live by.

比如，现在我更自信、更自在地说，哎呀，那件事搞砸了。

Like, now I'm more confident and comfortable to be like, oops, that was bad.

或者说，是的，那真的是一个非常棒的决定。

Or, yeah, that was a really good great decision.

两种情况，我们该怎么应对或解决呢？

Both of them, how are we gonna work past it or through it?

你知道吗？

You know?

不管怎样。

Like, either way.

对。

Yeah.

所以，是的，这就是我们目前的状况。

So, yeah, that's that's that's where we're at.

然后我们经历了这个巨大的高潮，我对这个校长职位非常兴奋。

And then we come off of this really big high, and I'm really pumped about this principalship.

然后我觉得耐力就像是，不。

And then I think the endurance was like, nah.

你还没准备好。

You're not ready yet.

你还没到时候。

You're not season.

比如，让我们开始吧。

Like, let's get it started.

比如，让我们为下一场硬仗努力。

Like, let's let's push for, you know, the next uphill battle.

现在到了2022年。

And now we're at 2022.

对。

Yep.

疫情刚结束。

COVID just ended.

而我，你知道，我正处于巅峰状态。

And I'm, you know, I'm in, like, prime.

所以在疫情期间，我知道心理健康对自己很重要，但我没法进行面对面的治疗。

So during COVID, I knew that mental health was important for myself, and I couldn't do in person therapy.

显然，我们当时有点停滞了。

Obviously, we were kind of halted.

所以我讨厌跑步，我一直用跑步和耐力来举例，是因为我在疫情期间真的自己跑了一次马拉松，当时我没有举重器材。

So I hated running, and I I keep using the running example and the endurance, but it's because I actually did my own marathon during the COVID I didn't have any weights.

我没有足够的钱去买自己的CrossFit装备。

I didn't have enough money to, like, buy my own CrossFit stuff.

所以我就想，好吧。

So I was like, alright.

我就打算成为一个跑步者。

I'm just gonna become a runner.

如果你认识我，任何和我一起打篮球的人都知道，我总是跑在最后。

I if you know me, anyone that was on my basketball, like, was always dead last.

我讨厌跑步。

I hated running.

我以前总是抱怨跑步，每次跑步都是大家的笑柄。

I complained about it, like, always the butt of a joke when it came to running.

所以我把自己变成了一个跑步者。

So I turned myself into a runner.

再说，12英里对我来说就像“哇”一样。

Again, 12 miles for me is like woah.

所以在疫情期间，我跑了12英里，然后疫情结束了，我就想，好吧，我再也不跑了。

So over the course of COVID, I did it 12 miles, ran it and then COVID ended, and I was like, yeah, I'm never doing that again.

但这绝对是一件好事。

But it was definitely definitely a good thing.

长话短说，疫情结束，回到现实。

So long story short, COVID ends back to reality.

我妈妈60岁了，我们从来没有像我说过的那样，我和我妈妈是最好的朋友，形影不离。

My mom turned 60 and we've never like I said, me and my mom are my we're like best friends, two peas in the pod.

我们非常相似，这可能就是为什么我们水火不容。

We're very similar, which is probably why we were water and oil.

她六十岁了，我就想，好吧。

She turned 60, and I'm like, okay.

我们得为我妈做点什么。

We have to do something for my mom.

她是个很特别的人，如果你认识我妈，或者听节目的谁认识我妈，她特别搞笑。

She is the girl if you knew my mom and anyone who's listening that knows my mom, she was hysterical.

她说话直，跟我有点像，有啥说啥。

Like, she call, kinda like me, call it what it was.

她说话有点粗，但她是最有爱心的那种人，对世界上的每一个人都特别好。

She was vulgarly blind, but she was the most loving, like, just that person to every single person in the literally in the world.

我们家以前总是敞着门，她会有冰棍、芬达汽水、零食，就像社区里的冰箱一样。

We used to have, like, open door policy at my house, and she'd have, like, popsicles, Fanta soda, snacks, and it was, like, the the neighborhood fridge.

人们就会直接去那儿。

And people would just go down there.

我就会说，嘿，哥们儿。

I'd be like, yo, dude.

那是最后一根蓝色冰棍了。

That's the last blue popsicle.

我根本不认识那个小孩，但他就在我家地下室给我妈拿冰棍。

Didn't even know this kid, but he was, like, in my basement getting a popsicle for my mom.

她就是这样的人。

She was just like that lady.

她把一切都给了别人，什么都给别人，就是从来不留给自己。

She gave every single thing to everyone else, to any like, to everyone else, but never gave to herself.

所以我就想，我们要给她办一个六十岁惊喜派对。

So I'm like, we are throwing her a surprise sixtieth.

比如，她平时不喝酒。

Like, something now she didn't drink.

她不喜欢热闹。

She wasn't a part.

她不喜欢成为焦点，你懂的。

Like, she wasn't, you know, attention on her.

所以我就想，好吧。

So I'm like, alright.

咱们来点好玩的。

Let's do something fun.

所以我们搞了个大派对，还弄了那种木板和刷子的活动。

So we did this board and brush thing through a big party.

派对上，大家都看着我，好像在问怎么回事？

And at the party, everyone was kinda looking at me like, what's going on?

我甚至也说，好吧，妈。

And I was even like, alright, mom.

到底怎么回事？

Like, what what's going on?

那天很奇怪，气氛有点诡异，但充满了爱，因为她特别兴奋。

It was a weird, eerie day, but there was so much love because she was so excited.

但认识她的人都知道，肯定有什么不对劲。

But anyone that knew her knew that something wasn't right.

我妈妈的派对是在星期天。

My mom's party was Sunday.

我妈妈星期四住院了，然后住院两天后就去世了。

My mom was hospitalized Thursday And my mom passed away two days after the hospitalization.

我妈妈默默抗争了不知道多少个月，是一种相当侵袭性的淋巴瘤癌症，因为新冠爆发，一直没被发现。

My mom battled silently for God knows how many months, a pretty aggressive lymphoma cancer that was undetected because of, you know, the whole COVID outburst.

所以在新冠期间，她可能，你知道，病情可能突然加重或者到了顶峰，我也不太确定医学上的事，那不是我的专业，但癌症基本上就是占领了她的身体。

So during COVID, she must have, you know, it must have spiked or peaked or I'm not really even sure medically, that's not my field, but the cancer essentially, like, took over her body.

而且因为医生和预约不像以前那么频繁，我想他们在她的血液检查中漏掉了什么。

And because doctors and appointments weren't, as often, I guess they missed something in her blood tests.

她还有一些其他潜在的健康问题，但都不严重。

She had some other underlying things, but nothing crazy.

她还上夜班。

She also worked, like night shift.

她上的是深夜班，因为她就是环境造就的，她是我见过的最坚强的女人。

She worked a graveyard shift because she's just a product of her environment and she was the toughest, like the toughest woman I've ever met.

所以她就说，哦，我能行。

So she was like, oh, I could do it.

我就说，妈，你都60岁了。

I'm like, mom, you're 60 years old.

你不用做那个。

You don't have to do that.

你知道吗？

You know?

但她就是一股自己的力量。

But she she was a a force of her own.

所以我们只以为是疲劳、变老了，你知道，就是人老了会发生的事。

So we just thought, like, fatigue, getting older, you know, all the things that happen when you when you age.

结果它把她带走了。

And it it took her out.

真的带走了。

It really did.

我们全家都懵了。

My whole family was flipped.

就像，我们，我，没有一个人有丝毫头绪。

Like, we I no one had a a single clue.

从那个周四到周六、周日，我甚至不记得是哪天了，但那三天，就是一片混乱，那绝对是我经历过的最艰难的事情之一。

And that Thursday to to Saturday, Sunday, I don't even remember what day it was, but those three days of, like, just mass confusion and whatever, it it was by far one of the hardest things that I've ever, gone through.

所以，我妈妈周四住院了。

So, my mom gets hospitalized on Thursday.

就像我说的，这个女人很坚强。

And like I said, this woman was tough.

她被转到了另一家医院。

She was transported to a different hospital.

他们最终确诊了癌症。

They finally got a diagnosis of cancer.

现在的情况是，我是独生子女，所以只有我和我爸。

And I'm at the point now where it's I'm an only child, so it's me and my dad.

我们小时候关系不太好，那时候关系也不怎么样。

We didn't have a great relationship growing up, and we didn't really have a great relationship then either.

所以，你知道，我们虽然一起打电话，但真的就像各自在孤岛上。

So, you know, we're making calls, but together, but we're really, like, on islands.

我们努力想让一切正常运转。

We're trying to make it all work.

同时，我表弟正在和毒瘾作斗争，情况很糟。

At the same time, my cousin was battling addiction really bad.

他在加州，努力保持清醒，戒酒，但他正在和严重的心理健康问题以及成瘾性格作斗争。

He was out in in California trying to stay clean, get sober, and he was fighting a really heavy mental health, addictive personality battle.

我，当时真的有很多事情同时发生。

I there was just a lot going on.

所以我深爱的两个人，都处在那种我不知道发生了什么的情况里。

So I had two people who I loved really deeply kind of in these situations where, like, I didn't know what was happening.

然后我妈，在她所谓诊断的第二天，自己把呼吸机拔了。

So my mom on the second day of her quote, unquote, like diagnosis got herself off of the ventilator.

所以我心里想，好吧，她会挺过去的。

So in my head, was like, okay, you know, she's gonna beat this.

我们会做到的，所有事情都会好起来的。

We're gonna do it, all the things.

那段时间，疫情还在持续。

And during that time, it was still, you know, lingering COVID.

所以房间里不能有太多人。

So you couldn't have many people in the room.

当时只有很少几个人在房间里。

There was a very few amount of us, a few people in the room at that time.

她突然在我们所有人面前心脏骤停。

And she unexpectedly coded in front of all of us.

说到应对策略、创伤这些。

Talk about like coping strategies and trauma and all that stuff.

是的。

Yeah.

我妈妈走得很平静，但很突然，而且就在我们所有人面前。

My mom passed peacefully, but unexpectedly and in front of all of us.

然后我表哥得知我妈妈去世的消息，他也没撑多久。

And then my cousin found out that my mom passed and he didn't make it much longer.

所以一周后，其实还不到一周，我记得就隔了几天，我周二埋葬了我妈妈，周四埋葬了我表哥。

So a week after, not even a week, I think a couple of days, I buried my mom on Tuesday and my cousin on Thursday.

我们家一周之内埋葬了两位非常棒的人。

My family buried two super cool people in a week.

所以你说到那些应对策略和创伤，我们该怎么办？

So you talk about all of these coping strategies and trauma and how are we gonna do this?

那是我人生的转折点。

That's when my life changed.

我觉得那也是我忍耐力的巅峰。

And I think that's where my endurance peaked.

我连一口酒都没喝。

I didn't sip a drink.

我没碰毒品。

I didn't touch the drug.

我没出去乱花钱。

I didn't go out and spend money.

我一直在努力提升自己。

I worked and worked and worked on myself.

我去健身房。

I went to the gym.

我出去散步。

I went out for walks.

我祈祷了，但我对上帝很不满，对吧？

I prayed and I was not happy with God, right?

那段时间我的信仰确实受到了考验。

Like my faith was definitely tested during that time.

但我知道，因为之前经历的那些事，我们不会那样做。

But I knew because of the prior things that I've gone through, we are not doing that.

我们不能再回到那种状态了。

Like, we are not going back to that.

现在是时候证明自己了，要么行动，要么闭嘴。

This is your time to put up or shut up.

所以我做了所有正确的事情。

So I did all things good.

社区服务、锻炼，所有那些事情。

Community service, you know, working out, all of the things.

快进三十天后，那天，对我来说简直不可思议，我是第二季第十一集，而你提到了第十一集。

Speed it up thirty days later, the day, which is like this is, like, crazy to me that I am episode two eleven, and you referred one eleven.

我妈妈的生日是五月十一日。

My mom's birthday was May 11.

我妈妈在六月十日去世了，而在我妈妈去世一个月后，我发现我怀孕了。

And my mom passed away on June 10, and I found out that I was pregnant one month from the day my mom passed away.

在七月十一日，我发现我怀孕了。

And on July 11, I found out that I was pregnant.

所以我失去了妈妈，然后就像，哦，顺便说一句，你现在要生孩子了，而你的妈妈刚刚去世，而且你怀的是个女孩。

So I lose my mom, and then it's like, oh, by the way, now you're having a child without your mom who just passed, and you're having a girl.

所以感觉就是，哇。

So it's like, woah.

而且这其中有原因，再说一次，这种耐力，我经历所有这些事情是有原因的，我准备好了以正确的方式应对。

And there's a reason, again, this endurance, there's a reason why I've gone through all these things and I prepped myself to cope the right way.

因为如果我没有以正确的方式应对，天知道会怎样。

Because if I didn't cope the right way, god only knows.

对吧？

Right?

所以在那段中间的一个月里，我真的很感激自己足够自律，做了正确的事情，经历了艰难的事情，但用的是正确的方式。

So that month of, like, being in between, I'm just really grateful that I was disciplined enough to do the right things and go through hard things, but the right way.

所以现在我进入了妈妈模式。

So now I'm in mom mode.

然后现在我想，好吧。

And now I'm like, okay.

这是我人生的下一个阶段。

This is the next this is the next season of my life.

我女儿的名字叫丽莎·梅。

My daughter's name is Lisa May.

我妈妈的名字是丽莎，她的生日是5月11日。

My mom's name was Lisa, and my mom's birthday was May 11.

所以我把两个名字结合起来了。

So I combined the two.

对。

Yeah.

我相信这是一个完整的循环。

And she is I believe in full circle.

我相信那些更高力量的事情。

Like, do believe in on all of those higher power things.

有时候我女儿看我的方式，让我觉得，天哪，她回来了。

And sometimes the way that my daughter looks at me, I'm like, oh my god, She's back.

就好像她从未离开过。

Like, she never left.

你知道吗？

You know?

对。

Yeah.

所以那对我来说真的非常痛苦。

So that was pretty pretty traumatizing for me.

当然，再说一次，任何经历过失去父母的人，我非常敬佩你们，但失去母亲，那种痛是无可比拟的。

Definitely, again, anyone who's gone through the loss of a parent, I give you so much credit, but the loss of a mom, there's just no hurt.

没有什么痛比得上失去母亲。

There's no hurt like the loss of your mom.

无论你多大年纪。

It doesn't matter how old you are.

无论你们关系如何。

It doesn't matter relationship or not.

就是那种身体上的纽带。

It's just that that physical bond.

我不知道怎么解释，但你知道，任何处于那种境地的人，我真的希望如果你需要人倾诉，就联系我，因为我喜欢聊天，我们开玩笑因为我们有点疯，但我的几个朋友失去了父母。

It I don't know how to explain it, but, you know, anyone who's in that position, I really hope that if you need someone, reach out to me because I love I love talking to we joke around because we're nuts, but there's a few of my friends who have lost parents.

然后我们就说，对，我们是丧亲俱乐部成员。

And we're like, yeah, we're in the dead parent club.

然后就像，天哪。

And it's like, oh my god.

你刚才是不是说出来了？

Did you just say that out loud?

但除非你经历过，否则你不会明白。

But until until you're initiated, you don't get it.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

就像那种苦笑。

It's like one of those laugh.

因为如果你不笑，你就会哭。

Because if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry.

但是，是的，你知道，那可能是我人生中最艰难的时期之一。

But, yeah, that's, you know, that's something that I think is probably one of the hardest seasons of my life by far.

我简直无法想象。

I can't even imagine.

我相信我们稍后会多聊一些，但那种圆满的感觉，你知道，你妈妈去世，你女儿出生，感觉你妈妈的存在通过你的女儿陪伴着你。

And I'm sure we'll hit on this a little bit more, but that full circle ness of, you know, your mom passing, your daughter being born, you know, feeling like your mom's presence is there with you through your daughter.

而且我知道为人父母本来就不容易。

And I know being a parent can't be easy to begin with.

你愿意多分享一些关于你女儿的事情吗？

Would you like to share a little bit more about your daughter?

好的。

Yeah.

Lidisa May是我认识的最酷、最古怪的四岁孩子。

Lidisa May is the coolest, quirkiest four year old that I know.

她有一头超级卷的头发，而且我们最近刚被诊断出有自闭症。

She's got crazy curly hair and we were just recently diagnosed with autism.

所以这挺不容易的。

So it's a lot.

而且，就像我之前说的，这也让我对那些在康复中心或者戒酒生活中的人，或者那些用更健康的方式改变生活的人，有了同理心，对吧？

It also, like I've said before, giving me the empathy to people in that rehab or sober lifestyle, or just changing their life with healthier ways, right?

我现在进入了一个新的阶段，作为自闭症群体的一员，我感到非常自豪。

I am now in a new season of having so much so much, like, pride to be part of the autistic community.

这些父母、这些资源、这些人，我真的相信这是上帝的工作，因为这真的很难。

These parents, these resources, these people, they this is I truly believe it's it's like God's work because it is it is hard.

自闭症有各种不同的形式。

There's all different forms.

对吧？

Right?

它是一个谱系。

It's a spectrum.

所以有起有落。

So there's highs and lows.

而且我看到的、接触到的、还有能聊上几句的那个社群，真的是一群特别的人。

And just the community that I have seen and been with and just have gotten to, like, conversate with is it's a special group of people.

我常说，真希望自己能成为他们的代言人。

And they I say I say this, like, I wish I could be a plug for them.

就像，真希望能帮他们宣传。

Like, I wish I could advertise for them.

但自闭症社群，可能是我最喜欢参与的一个群体了。

But the autistic, like, the autistic community is probably my favorite group to be a part of.

哦，那真是太棒了。

Oh, that's that's amazing.

你知道，我相信关于这个话题我们有很多可以聊的，也许以后会聊到，但我知道这背后还有更多内容。

I you know, I'm sure there's so much we could talk about there and maybe we will at some point, but I know there's even more to all of this.

对吧？

Right?

从这里开始，事情不一定会变得更容易。

There's it doesn't get easier necessarily from here.

那么，请从你的女儿开始，继续讲讲之后的事情。

And so take us forward from from your daughter.

对。

Yeah.

所以，你知道，我们正在往上走。

So, you know, up we're we're uphill.

女儿出生了，一切都很好。

Daughter is born, and everything is great.

你知道吗？

You know?

我在学习如何做妈妈，但同时也是在没有妈妈的情况下做妈妈。

I'm learning how to be a mom, but also be a mom without my mom.

我不会坐在这里粉饰太平，说这一切都轻而易举。

I'm not going to sit here and sugarcoat like it was all easy peasy.

有些日子，你知道，我哭了。

There were days where I, you know, I cried.

我哭了。

I cried.

我哭了。

I cried.

我觉得我做不到，我怀疑自己。

And I can't do this, and I had self doubt.

然后，还是得不断提醒自己，我能做难事。

And, again, it's just the continuing to remind yourself, I can do hard things.

我能挺过去。

I can get through this.

这只是暂时的。

This is temporary.

用积极的心态，然后就是醒来，继续前行。

Use positive reinforcement and and just keep just wake up.

要心怀感激。

Be grateful.

哪怕你只是感激冰格里有冰块，只要有一件事是顺利的，你就还不错。

Even if you're grateful that you have ice in the ice tray, like, as long as you have one thing going, then you're doing okay.

所以，你知道，生活总会变得容易些。

So, you know, life gets easier.

其实，我收回那句话。

And, actually, I take that back.

我不会说生活变得容易了。

I wouldn't say that life got easier.

我觉得只是应对事情的方式变得更现实了。

I think learning to cope with things just got more more realistic.

对吧？

Right?

生活还在继续。

Life goes on.

我现在在职业上处于这个位置，管理一所学校，我在进行批判性思考。

I'm in this position now professionally where I'm running a school, I'm critically thinking.

你知道，我现在只是在按部就班地过日子。

You know, I'm I'm going through the motions now.

重新回到健身房。

Back into the gym.

我女儿也大了。

My daughter is older.

她，你知道，我们都过得挺好的。

She's you know, we're all doing well.

我进入了一段感情，因为当你觉得自己好多了，准备好开始人生新篇章的时候，你就会这么做，对吧。

I get into a relationship because that's what you do, right, when you're when you feel like you're better and you're ready to, you know, start a new chapter of your life.

然后我进入了一段相当认真的感情。

And I get into a pretty serious relationship.

一开始并不是认真的。

It didn't start serious.

你知道，一开始确实有一些警示信号，但我有点忽略了。

You know, just there there was definitely some red flags at the beginning that I kind of overlooked.

我觉得可能是因为我经历了太多，既要当妈妈，又要当教育工作者，还要面对高压环境，所以没有真正意识到那些是虐待行为。

I think because I was going through so much just being a mom, being an educator, being in a high stress environment, that I didn't really see things as abusive.

不，不是那个。

No, that's not that.

是这个。

That's this.

你懂吗？

You know?

然后你的大脑就会捉弄你。

And then you play your mind plays tricks on you.

我觉得大多数女性都能理解这一点，我们会在脑海里为男人编造一些情景，而不是看清他们的真面目。

And I think most women can relate to that, that we make we make scenarios up in our head for men rather than seeing what they are.

我觉得这就是我们在耐力方面所处的位置。

And this is I think this is where we're at with endurance.

我们现在就在那个阶段，好吧。

We're at that we're at that, okay.

我们经历了一个很大的高峰。

We went through a really big peak.

我们下来了。

We came down.

事情变得容易了，但我们还会再迎来高峰。

It got easier, but we're gonna peak again.

两年后。

Two years later.

对吧？

Right?

所以我们现在是22年。

So we're 22.

我们差不多到了24年。

We're at, like, '24.

2024年。

2024.

我谈恋爱差不多一年半了。

I'm in a relationship for almost a year and a half.

这个人跟我在职业上、个人生活上，在社区里都联系得很紧密。

This is someone who is pretty tied up within my community professionally, personally.

所以这绝对是那种，如果你公开跟人约会，很多人都会知道的情况。

So it's definitely one of those situations where if you're dating someone outward outwardly, a lot of people know about it.

对。

Mhmm.

我不是那种爱在Facebook上晒的人，你知道，我不是那种什么都发的人。

I wasn't very, like, Facebook y and, you know, I wasn't the poster of things or whatever the case may be.

我把事情保持得很私密，现在我才意识到，我之所以那样做，是因为我早就知道这到底是什么。

I kept things pretty private, and I realized now that I did that because I knew exactly what this was.

这是一段完全充满虐待的关系，而我完全被蒙蔽了。

This was a completely abusive relationship, and I was totally blinded by it.

这段关系是暗地里虐待我，我觉得我故意犯了很多错。

It was secretly abusive, and I I think I made a lot of mistakes on purpose.

我知道这听起来有点，等等。

I I and I know that's kinda like, wait.

什么？

What?

有很多次我本可以说点什么，为自己站出来，寻求帮助，跟别人谈谈，听进去。

There was a lot of times that I could've said something, stuck out for myself, sought out help, talked to somebody, listened.

那是我通常不会做的事，而我也确实没做。

That's something I tend to not do, and I didn't.

而且任何被利用的人，真的，天哪。

And anyone that is mooched, like, really, oh my god.

当她说话时，我就在努力。

When she talked, I was, like, trying.

我就想，有摄像头。

I'm like, there's a camera.

别哭。

Please don't cry.

别哭。

Please don't cry.

当她在那个活动上讲话时，我心想，天哪。

When she talked at that event, I was like, damn.

她懂。

She gets it.

她懂。

She gets it.

看到像她这样坚强、有力量、自信的人，我感受到了她说的。

And to see someone like her who's so strong and so powerful and so confident be like, I felt I felt what she said.

就像，在我心里，我心想，天哪。

Like, in my gut, I'm like, oh my god.

这就是那天我真正想和你说话的原因，是因为她。

This and that's really what moved me to talk to you that day was her.

就是看到她那么真实地做自己。

Just to to to see her be so authentically herself.

我当时就想，天哪。

I was like, dang.

所以这不仅仅发生在我身上。

So this just didn't happen to me.

我以为只有我倒霉，选错了人。

Like, I thought I was just the unlucky one that picked the wrong guy.

对吧？

Right?

这种事在女性中很常见，我们作为女性，我们不知道是不是我们不够重视自己。

This happens a lot to women, and we don't as women, we don't I don't know if it's we don't value ourselves.

我们觉得自己不值得。

We don't think we deserve enough.

但我知道，当时我觉得自己不值得更好的，所以我将就了。

But I knew now I didn't think I deserved better, so I settled for what I got.

你可能会想，那你得到了什么？

And you're probably like, well, what did you get?

快点吧。

Come on.

继续说下去。

Get on with it.

那种虐待主要是情感上的。

The abuse was very emotional.

充满了谎言、操控和煤气灯效应，你知道的，就是女性在Instagram上谈论的那些好事。

It was very the lies and the manipulating and the gaslighting, you know, all the good things that women talk about on Instagram.

对吧？

Right?

事情发展到某个晚上，我们出去，但有一方不怀好意。

It got to the point where it was a night out, Not good not good intentions on one side.

我们出去了。

We went out.

当时喝了不少酒。

There were drinks that had been had.

我本来就不怎么喝酒，但再说一次，当你心态不对的时候，你做不出什么好决定。

Not really a drinker as it is, but, again, when you when you aren't in the right mindset, you don't make great decisions.

长话短说，我和那个开车的人一起回家了，我每天都在自责。

Long story short, I went home with someone with the person I was with who was driving the vehicle, and I kick myself every day.

这是我们小时候学到的第一件事。

That's, like, the number one thing we learn as kids.

对吧？

Right?

不要，不要上车。

Do not do not get in a car.

不要用优步。

Uber, do not.

我很庆幸当时不是我开车或什么的。

I'm just very glad that I wasn't driving or anything like that.

我把自己置于一个糟糕的境地。

I put myself in a a bad situation.

我们吵了起来。

We got into an argument.

很快就变得相当暴力。

It turned pretty violent pretty quickly.

那是在我家外面。

It was outside of my home.

谢天谢地，我家里没人。

Thank God no one was around in my own home.

谢天谢地，周围有人，因为他们真的救了我的命。

Thank God people were around because they quite literally saved my life.

和这个人进行了一场相当激烈的言语争吵。

Got into a pretty gnarly fight verbally with this person.

我下车了，因为我实在受不了了。

Went to get out of the car because I just couldn't handle it anymore.

当我下车时，车突然开走了，而我还没完全离开车。

And as I get out of the car, car takes off and I'm not fully out of the car.

腿被卡住了。

Leg leg gets pinned.

根据警方的报告，我被拖了大概六到十二英尺远。

And I was drugged probably like from what the what all the police report says, I was drugged like six to 12 feet down my buck.

所以，说到创伤。

So, talk about trauma.

你爱的人在你面前，你不得不回家照顾他们，而别人却可能夺走你的生命，这真是生命在眼前闪现。

Having your life flash before your eyes with someone that you love, you have to go home to someone and take care of them and seeing somebody else potentially take your life from you.

真的无法用言语形容。

There's, like, no words.

我怎么会落到这种地步？

Again, like, how am I in this situation?

拜托，老兄。

Like, come on, man.

就像，什么时候才能结束？

Like, when does when does this stop?

对吧？

Right?

就像，这些艰难的日子什么时候才是个头？

Like, when does the hard shit stop?

那几个月我都是这种感觉。

And that's how I felt for a couple months.

就像，我很生气。

Like, I was angry.

我对上帝很生气。

I was mad at God.

我对自己很生气。

I was mad at myself.

我对我的生活很生气。

I was mad at my life.