Shadé Zahrai 博士：摧毁你自信的脑海中的5种声音

我最喜欢的一句肯定语是：我比我的恐惧和疑虑更强大。

One of my favorite affirmations is I am more powerful than my fears and doubts.

我觉得这确实来自于这种练习，能够把自己和它们分开，不让它们控制你的行为。

And I think that really comes from this kind of work of being able to separate yourself and not allow them to control your behavior.

我对你讲的“内在欺骗者”特别着迷。

I'm obsessed with your inner deceivers.

我觉得每一个都是。

I think they are just every single one.

我想大多数人每一个都有。

I I would say most people have every single one.

只是每个人的程度不同而已。

We just have different degrees of levels of each.

而且确实，就像你说的，Sam，我当时就想，哦，那绝对是我朋友，或者那绝对是我姐姐，或者那绝对是我自己。

And there's certainly, I was, as you were saying, Sam, I was like, oh, that's definitely my friend or that's definitely my sister or that's definitely me.

所以我觉得这真的是一个很好的理解方式。

So I think it's just such a great way to understand it.

现在我想聊聊那个“指挥家”，因为我觉得这对我们这个时代尤其重要。

Now, I wanna kind of go into the ringmaster because I think this is so relevant for our time especially.

我们现在所处的这种追求效率、拼命奋斗的文化，我觉得可能让这个问题变得更严重了。我们总是把生产力等同于成功，等同于我们对周围人和世界的价值。

This productivity hustle kind of culture that we're in, I think is probably exacerbating this a lot where we really link how productive we are to how successful we think we are, how valuable we are to the people around us and to the world.

而且我觉得这跟我们的自我价值感纠缠得太深了，这真的很有问题。

And I think it becomes so intertwined with our own self worth and I think it is really problematic.

我……

I'd...

你对这个有什么看法？

What's your kind of, like, take on this?

我们生活在一个自我优化的世界里，对吧。

We live in a world of self optimization Mhmm.

什么都有对应的工具和应用，让你的生活更好、更快、更高效，改善这个那个。以至于我记得我不得不摘掉那个监测睡眠的智能手表，因为早上醒来的时候，我不再先问问自己睡得怎么样，

Where there is a tool for this and an app for that to make your life better and faster and more productive and improve this and that to the point that I remember I had to take off my my smartwatch that was tracking my sleep because I'd wake up in the morning and rather than checking in with myself about, like, how did I feel that I slept?

而是直接去看应用告诉我睡得如何。哦，是的。

I would go and look at my app to tell me how I slept Oh, yeah.

我对这件事的感受。

How I'd feel about it.

我就觉得，这太糟糕了。

I'm like, that's terrible.

所以我不得不把自己拉回来，但我们生活的这个世界，一直在灌输一种观念，就是你可以做得更多，你可以变得更好。

So I had to like pull myself back, but we live in this world that is constantly pushing this narrative of you could do more, you could be better.

而且，当我们进入比较的世界时，我们不断地比较，因为大脑天生就会比较，但比较正是让优秀的人觉得自己落后的原因。

And also, when we get into the world of comparison, we're constantly comparing because the brain is wired to compare, but comparison is what makes brilliant people feel like they're behind.

因为你总会看到有人在你前面。

Because you will always see someone ahead of you.

而且说实话，我们从来不会拿自己和那些不如我们的人比，我们只会拿自己和那些和我们差不多或者比我们强的人比。

And let's face it, we're never comparing ourselves to people who are not where we are, we're only comparing ourselves to people who are either where we are or ahead of us.

这让我们充满了不足感。

Which fills us with this sense of inadequacy.

所以我们确实生活在一个不断强化“你就是你的工作，你就是你的职位，你就是你的成就”这种观念的世界里，而这是一个非常有害的状态，因为它削弱了自我怀疑的四大驱动因素之一。

So we very much live in this world which is fueling this sense of you are your work, you are your job title, you are your achievements, and that is such a damaging place to be because it undermines one of the four drivers of self doubt.

其实，我想先退一步，然后再回来讲，因为我觉得深入这个话题真的很重要。

In fact, I'm going to just take a little step back, and then we're gonna come back because I think it's really important to get into here.

当我们回顾几十年来关于自我怀疑本质的研究时，会发现自我怀疑的出现，是因为你在很多场合都不相信自己，久而久之，这种累积效应让你内化了一种身份认同，觉得自己要么不值得，要么没能力，要么不够强大，要么无法应对随之而来的情绪。

So when we look at decades worth of research on what self doubt really is, we find that self doubt comes across or comes about as a result of the accumulated effect of not backing yourself on so many different occasions that you have internalized this identity, that you are either not worthy, not capable, not powerful, or not able to handle the emotions that come with something.

而最有趣的是，这意味着自我怀疑有四个关键驱动因素。

And what is so fascinating about this is that that means there are four key drivers of self doubt.

第一个是自我接纳。

The first one is acceptance.

你接纳自己吗？

Do you accept who you are?

如果不接纳，你就会把自己的价值寄托在别人身上。

If you don't, that's when you outsource your worth.

所以我们在这里讨论的，把自我认同与工作和表现挂钩，其实反映了缺乏自我接纳。

So what we're talking about here, the idea of attaching our sense of identity to our jobs and our performance, is a reflection of a lack of self acceptance.

另一个非常常见的现象是，人们过度依赖外界的认可。

The other element we see here, which is very common, is people become overly attached to external validation.

当你不接受自己的时候，你就会把这种认可外包出去。

When you don't accept yourself for who you are, you outsource that.

你内心有一部分，那个忽视者，那个内在的欺骗者，会告诉你：只有别人接受你，你才有价值。

And there's a part of you, the neglector, that inner deceiver, which says, you are only valuable if other people accept you.

所以你总是过度道歉。

So you over apologize.

你想说不的时候，却说了是。

You say yes when you mean no.

你不敢惹事。

You don't rock the boat.

你牺牲自己，因为如果别人接受你，也许你就能接受自己，但最终你变成了一个空壳，失去了真实的自己。

You sacrifice yourself because if other people accept you, maybe then you might accept yourself, but then you become a shell of who you really are.

第二个方面是自主性。

The second area is agency.

缺乏自主性会加剧自我怀疑。

A lack of agency drives self doubt.

比如说，我们说的能动性是什么意思？

Like, what do we mean by agency?

这回答的是，我到底能不能做这件事？

This is answering the question of, can I actually do this thing?

我有没有技能、能力，甚至学习的潜力？

Do I have the skills, the ability, the capacity to learn even?

当我们缺乏这些时，我们会不断和别人比较，觉得自己落后了，永远赶不上他们。

When we don't have that, we keep comparing ourselves to other people and feeling like they're ahead and will never be where they are.

我们还会觉得自己是个冒牌货。

We also feel like impostors.

这在那些高成就者、高表现者身上很常见。

We see this a lot in high achievers and high performers.

他们觉得自己不配拥有现在的一切，总觉得会有人发现他们是骗子。

They don't feel deserving of what they've got, and they feel like someone will find out they're a fraud.

第三个领域也很有意思，是关于权力的。

That third area is really interesting as well around power.

你觉得你在这种情况下有任何权力吗？

Do you feel like you have any kind of power in the situation?

当你专注于那些你无法控制的事情时，你就会感到个人无力，因为你对那些事情无能为力。

When you focus on things you have no control over, that's when you feel personally powerless because you are powerless to do anything about those things.

你会觉得对自己的生活毫无掌控感，所以你就……

And you feel like you don't have any sense of control over what's going on in your life, so you...

然后你又会抱怨、感到怨恨、感到沮丧，这种状态对你没有好处，因为你不相信自己有能力去改变结果。

Again, you complain about things, you feel resentful, you feel frustrated, and that's not a helpful place to be because you do not trust that you have the ability to shape an outcome.

所以受害者心态就出现了。

So the victim comes up.

受害者心态出现了。

The victim comes up.

没错，你看它们是怎么一个个冒出来的。第四个是适应力，在这个语境下，它完全关乎：我能不能适应我即将感受到的任何情绪？

Exactly And you're seeing how they're all coming then the fourth is adaptability, which is entirely related to, in this context, can I adapt to whatever it is that I'm going to feel?

我觉得你之前提到过，Roxie，当你改善其中一个时，其他几个也会跟着受益。

I think you touched on it earlier, Roxie, that when you work on one of them, it helps all the others.

如果我们遇到不顺心的一天，或者情绪有点失控，你知道，对我们女性来说，荷尔蒙的影响真的需要特别注意，这是我随着年龄增长越来越意识到的事情。

And if we're experiencing a challenging day or our emotions are a little bit out of touch, you know, for us women, hormonally, we need to be so aware of that, that is something I'm becoming so aware of as I age.

我的荷尔蒙波动太厉害了，每个月我都会经历一次存在主义危机。

Just how fluctuating my hormones are, and I will have an existential crisis every month.

天哪。

Oh my god.

我丈夫就会说，我知道这是怎么回事。

My husband's the one that's saying, I know what this is.

我说，不，你不知道。

I'm like, no, you don't.

哦不，你说得对。

Oh no, you're right.

上周，我不是开玩笑，我就在想，我真不知道为什么我要做这份工作……

Last week, I'm not joking, I was like, I just don't know why I have a job in...

这份工作还得让我上镜，其实我只想待在幕后。

That requires me to be on camera and I just actually want to be behind the scenes.

我就想把所有接下来的活动、录制都取消掉，然后过个安静的生活，专心看书。

I'm just gonna cancel every upcoming event, recording and I just wanna have, like, a quiet life and just focus on my books.

每个月都这样？

Monthly?

对，每个月都这样。

I mean, yeah, every month.

每个月都他妈的这样。

Every fucking month.

真的让我受不了。

It kills me.

有意思的是，当时你并不会觉得这只是每个月一次的事。

And it's funny because in the moment, it doesn't feel like just a monthly thing.

你会觉得你真的在经历一场存在危机。

It feels like you're actually having an existential risk.

所以这是我们作为女性需要意识到的另一件事，也是额外的复杂性。

So that's something else we need to be aware of as women and additional complexity.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

但有趣的是，如果你在这些事情上不信任自己，那就会导致犹豫不决、想太多，最终不敢迈出那一步。

But the interesting part about any of these is if you do not trust yourself in any of them, that is what leads to hesitation and overthinking and not taking the step.

好的。

Okay.

那我们现在往回看。

So let's now rewind.

当我们谈到比较这种想法，或者觉得自己就是工作本身这种想法时，这通常反映出我们严重缺乏自我接纳，因为我们不接受自己在那些外在成就、认可或随之而来的看法之外的样子。

So when we're talking about this idea of comparison, when we're talking about this idea of feeling like we are our jobs, that is generally reflecting a significant lack of self acceptance because we don't accept who we are outside of those external achievements or the recognition or the perception that comes with that.

那我们来分析一下该怎么办，我们都知道你不是你的工作。

So if we then unpack what do we do about that, we all know you are not your job.

我们可能对自己说过，我不是我的工作，但为什么我们还是觉得自己就是工作呢？

We might have said to ourselves, I am not my job, but why do we still feel like we are our job?

那是因为我们必须采取某些行动。

And it's because we have to take certain actions.

所以自我怀疑和自信往往是我们过去反复做出的行为的结果，这些行为塑造了我们对自己的看法。

So self doubt and self confidence are often the result of repeated behaviors that we have engaged in in the past that then shapes how we see ourselves.

因为身份通过行为体现，而行为反映信念。

Because identity comes through in behavior, and behavior reflects belief.

所以如果我们能更新自己的行为，获得关于自己是哪种人的新证据，那就能从根本上改变我们的身份认同。

So if we can update our behaviors to get new proof points or new evidence about the type of person that we are, that is what fundamentally changes our identity and how we identify.

当我们能强化这一点时，自我怀疑就会变成真正有用的东西。

And when we can strengthen that, that is when the self doubt becomes something that's actually useful.

它是一个工具。

It's a tool.

它是数据。

It's data.

你可以利用它做点什么，而不是让它渗透进你的本质，从根本上影响你在世界上的表现。

You can do something with it rather than something that infiltrates who you are and fundamentally shapes how you show up in the world.

所以，如果一个人内心有很响亮的“指挥家”，你会从探究、元认知和反思性写作这些过程开始。

So when it comes to, okay, someone who has a very loud ringmaster, you would start with going through the process of the inquiry and the metacognition and that reflective journaling.

不过，你还可以做一些非常简单的事情。

But there are some really simple things you can also do.

我分享两个。

I'll share two of them.

第一个其实有点反直觉。

The first one is actually counterintuitive.

就是去培养一个爱好。

It's to go and get a hobby.

就是去培养一个爱好，然后人们会说，那有什么用？

It's to go and get a hobby, and people say, why would that help?

我来告诉你为什么。

I'll tell you why.

一项覆盖16个国家、超过93000人的研究发现，有爱好的人往往自尊和自我接纳水平更高。

Research across 16 countries with 93,000 plus people found that people who have hobbies tend to have greater levels of self esteem and self acceptance.

而且这是一项长期追踪研究，时间跨度很长。

And this is a longitudinal study over a very long period of time.

所以，拥有爱好和真正接纳自己之间是有直接关系的。

So there is a direct relationship between having hobbies and actually accepting who you are.

当我们深入探讨原因时，很大程度上是因为当你做一件超出你平时自我认同的事情时，尤其是如果这件事很有趣，没有业绩指标、KPI或期望值。

When we unpack why that is, it's largely because when you're doing something outside of your usual, how you identify yourself, Especially if it's something fun that doesn't have performance markers or KPIs or expectations.

你只是活在当下，专注于此刻，基本上是在提醒自己：嘿，我不仅仅是工作上的那个我。

You're just present and you're in the moment and you're basically reminding yourself, hey, I am a person outside of all of that.

你给自己的生活重新带来了一些快乐，这几乎就像是一个情感储备。

You bring some joy back into your life, which almost is like an emotional reserve.

很多时候，Roxie，你听听看是不是这样，当我们太依赖工作，把工作当作自己的身份时，我们会觉得自己不配拥有快乐。

So often, and Roxie, tell me if this sounds familiar, when we are so attached to our job and that's our identity, we don't feel like we deserve to have fun.

我们不允许自己享受快乐的时刻，因为觉得快乐是需要挣来的，而自己做得还不够多，不配享受。

We don't give ourselves moments of joy because we feel like that needs to be earned and haven't done enough to enjoy that.

这就是为什么有时候在度假时，明明不该想工作，却还在想工作，还在快速刷手机、忙个不停。

And that's why sometimes on vacation, when we shouldn't be thinking about work, we're thinking about work and we're quickly scrolling and doing.

你有没有发现自己很难真正放松下来，还是你已经做到了能够

Do you find that you struggle to switch off or have you done the work to get

不会。

to No.

你知道到了什么程度吗？

The point where you know what?

我以前绝对是这样。

I used to, absolutely.

真的，真的非常严重。

I really, really did.

然后大约一年半前，我的2025愿景板上就写着工作生活平衡。

And then about a year and a half ago, it was actually on my 2025 vision board was like work life balance.

太好了。

Beautiful.

但是

But

我……

I...

我不得不努力去发现什么对我来说是真正的乐趣，因为实际上，重新定义“乐趣”才是我的问题所在。

What I had to do was work to find out what was fun for me because actually, it was redefining fun that was a problem for me.

对我来说，乐趣曾经是出去吃饭、喝酒。

For me, fun was going out for dinners, drinks.

但现在那对我来说其实已经不算乐趣了。

That is not fun for me actually anymore.

现在让我开心的是和儿子在一起，和姐姐在一起，打打牌，散散步，去上瑜伽课，这就是我的快乐，你知道吗？

What's fun for me is being with my son, being with my sister, playing cards, going on long walks, going to a yoga class, that is my joy, you know?

我觉得能在这些事中找到当下的存在感，真的非常棒。

And I think that actually being able to find presence in that has been so amazing.

有一项研究发现，诺贝尔奖得主科学家拥有爱好的可能性是普通科学家的三倍，而拥有创造性爱好的可能性是普通科学家的22倍。

So there was a study that found that Nobel Prize winning scientists are three times more likely than regular scientists to have a hobby, and 22 times more likely to have a creative hobby.

他们认为这些爱好帮助他们建立了其他科学家无法建立的联系，也帮助他们在实验室里遇到糟糕的日子时能重新振作起来。

And they attributed those hobbies to helping them make connections that other scientists weren't able to, and helping them bounce back if they were having a really bad day in the lab.

如果他们那天特别不顺，研究进展不顺利，他们还有别的有趣的事情可以做。

If they were having a really bad day and their research wasn't working out, they had this other fun thing they could do.

所以我觉得，这又是一个很好的总结方式。

And so I think that's just, again, a nice way to kind of wrap that up.

找到你喜欢的事情。

Find something you enjoy.

如果能是创造性的，那就太好了。

If it can be creative, fantastic.

但如果不是，其他事情也行。

But if not, just something else.

就像你说的，瑜伽、散步、和家人在一起，并且全身心投入其中。

Like you said, it's the yoga, it's the walking, it's the time with family, and being present in that.

所以这是关于爱好很重要的一点。

So that's that's an important piece about hobbies.

第二个非常简短的提示……

The second very quick tip...

嗯，根据我们的经验、研究以及数据来看，当你的全部身份都建立在工作上时，你会很难让自己休息，因为你会觉得自己还没挣到休息的权利，不配休息。

Well, what we find in our experience and the research and what the data says, you're going to struggle to take breaks when your entire identity is work because you feel like you haven't earned it, you don't deserve it.

所以我鼓励你把休息看作恢复，不恢复就没法继续表现。

And so what I encourage you to do is see breaks as recovery, and you cannot keep performing unless you recover.

所以把它写进你的日程表里。

So put it in your calendar.

写下来是有效率的。

It's productive to write.

这是有效率的。

It's productive.

没错。

Exactly.

真的。如果你这么看，那它就不是奢侈品，而是你确实需要的东西。对。

It really So if you see it that way, suddenly it's not a luxury, it's actually something you need Yeah.

为了恢复精力，做最好的自己。

To regenerate to be your best self.

我能问一下吗，Kalis Rise，我觉得这在育儿方面也在发生，父母让孩子忙得团团转，参加各种活动？

Can I ask, Kalis Rise, I think that this is also something that's happening in parenting as well where parents are keeping their kids so busy with activities?

我觉得其中一部分原因，我完全理解，因为作为父母，我们会有一种奇怪的愧疚感，比如，天哪，我今天陪他们陪得不够。

And I think part of it, I completely understand it because there's this weird guilt that we get as parents, like, oh my god, I haven't done enough with them today.

我真的觉得我能看到沃尔夫开始出现这种情况，我就想，其实我了解沃尔夫，现在当他过度疲劳时，他会频繁眨眼，这明显是疲劳的信号，这大概是从他去澳大利亚旅行有时差时开始的。

And I really felt like I could kind of see this starting to happen with Wolf and I was like, actually, I know Wolf and when Wolf gets really overtired now, he gets this extreme blinking and it's just a sign of tiredness and it kind of started when he traveled to Australia and had jet lag.

所以对我来说，这是一个非常明显的信号，表明他累了。

And so there was this really clear indicator for me that he was tired.

于是我开始和他一起过一些放松的日子。

And so I started doing these chill days with him.

所以，在周日或周六，当我注意到他这周开始频繁眨眼时，对，在那个放松日，我们什么都不做。

So on a Sunday or a Saturday, when I've noticed he started doing his blinking in the week, right, on that chill day, we do nothing.

我们几乎不出门，除了去一次森宝利超市。

We hardly leave the house except to one Sainsbury's trip.

我们躺在床上，看电影，到处闲逛，做点吃的，我们过一天什么都不做的日子，说实话，这对我来说和他一样重要。

We sit in bed, we watch movies, we potter around, do a bit of cooking, we do a nothing day as much for me as it is for him, let's be honest.

我在Instagram上发了这个，结果很多人涌来评论说，天哪，我真的需要这样做，但总是觉得太不好意思或者太内疚了。

And I posted about on my Instagram and I had such an influx of people being like, oh my god, like, I really need to do that but would always feel too bad or feel too guilty.

我觉得这种必须让自己忙起来的心态，其实不只出现在工作上，作为父母、跟家人在一起，甚至对自己，也会有这种感觉。

And I think that actually this kind of like needing to feel busy doesn't just happen at work, I think it can also happen as parents, with our families, even with ourselves.

比如，星期六好像就不是一个真正的星期六。

Like, a Saturday is not a Saturday.

我们不允许自己只是休息。

Like, we don't let ourselves just rest.

我们非得跟朋友有安排，或者做点什么，因为我们觉得，天哪，如果我就想坐着，然后……

We have to have plans with friends or we're doing something because we think, god, like, there's something wrong with me if I just wanna sit and what...

你知道，整天刷剧，那是不是我有什么问题。

You know, binge watch TV all day.

对。

Yes.

我觉得这跟所谓的“生产力导向”有关。

I would say this links to what's called a productivity orientation.

这也是我们所处世界的副产品。

Which is also a byproduct of the world that we live in.

就是那种超级优化，让自己忙起来，不断进步。

It's like hyper optimize, keep yourself busy, keep improving.

所以对父母来说，很可能你把自己需要忙碌和取得成就的那种需求投射到了育儿方式上，让一切也变得忙碌和追求成就。

And so for parents, it's likely that you're projecting that need that you have to be busy and achieving onto how you parent, and it's keeping things busy and achieving.

如果你有这样一个休息日，你会感到内疚。

And you feel guilty if you have one of these down dates.

哦，不。

Oh, no.

我应该陪我的孩子。

I should be there for my my kid.

我应该和他们做更多的事情。

I should be doing more with them.

这又回到了那个想法：为什么不安排一个这样的休息日，然后称之为在家共度美好时光，或者居家度假，或者随便叫什么。

And it goes back to that idea of why don't you schedule one of these rest days and you call it quality time at home or staycation or whatever it is.

给它起一个让你兴奋、也让你儿子女儿兴奋的名字，然后让它变得既令人期待又有意义。

Give it a name that excites you and excites your your son, your daughter, and then make it something that can be excitable and meaningful.

因为有时候，正是在那些时刻，你们才能真正地交谈，真正地待在一起，享受那种高质量的时光，比如一起拼拼图，或者你带着他们一起叠衣服，诸如此类的事情。

Because sometimes it's those moments where you actually get to have the conversations, where you get to be in each other's presence, have that real quality time with a puzzle or with, you know, you get them to the laundry with you or whatever it is.

你给它一个理由，让它变得有意义，这样至少你不会为此感到内疚。

You're giving it a reason, making it meaningful so that at least you don't feel guilty for it.

因为再说一次，作为父母，如果你想成为最好的父母，你必须恢复精力。

Because again, as a parent, if you wanna be the best parent you can be, you have to recover.

你必须给自己所需的东西。

You have to give yourself what you need.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

而因为不这样做就感到难受，于是试图把日程填满各种事情，这其实反映了自我接纳程度较低。

And trying to fill a schedule with things because you feel bad if you don't is just a reflection of a low level of self acceptance.

所以，去关注你真正需要什么，什么能让你开心。

So tap into what you need and what's going to make you happy.

说得太对了。

So true.

然后把你的孩子也带进来。

And then bring your child into that.

Areo 原创播客。

Areo Original Podcast.

Areo 原创播客。

Areo Original Podcast.

我最近有个经历，我觉得特别想听听你的建议。

I had this experience recently, which I think I'd love your, like, advice on.

我得为一个品牌拍内容。

So I had to shoot content for a brand.

对吧？

Okay?

其实我特别不喜欢拍内容，因为我不是什么网红，那也不是我的工作，我也不享受这个。

Now I really don't enjoy shooting content because I'm not an influencer, really, that's not my job and it's not something I enjoy.

所以我拍的时候，心里就想，天哪，我太讨厌这个了，我特别讨厌这个过程，然后突然就觉得自己不够好看，镜头前不够好，什么都不够好，各种自我怀疑就涌上来了。

And so I was doing it and I was like, oh my god, I just hate this, I'm hating this experience and I was suddenly just like, I'm I'm not attractive enough, I'm not good enough on camera, I'm not this enough and all this self doubt was coming.

然后那天结束的时候，我上台演讲，我突然觉得，天哪，我现在感觉好多了，然后我就想，啊，这是因为，如果我觉得自己不太擅长某件事，或者觉得自己做得不好，那种自我怀疑就会特别强烈。

And then at the end of that day, I went on stage and I was giving a talk and I was like, oh my god, I feel so much better now and I was like, ah, it's because I really, that self doubt comes out so strongly if I feel I'm not good at something or if I feel like I'm not doing a good job.

我之前还真没注意到这个联系这么强，可能我不是不喜欢做内容，而是不喜欢做那些我觉得自己不太擅长或者觉得自己做不好的事情。

And I actually hadn't noticed how strong that link was, it's probably not that I don't enjoy doing content, it's that I don't enjoy doing something that I don't think I'm good at or I don't feel I can be good at.

那我怎么能去做那些我觉得自己不一定擅长的事情，但又不会让自我怀疑那么强烈地冒出来呢？

How can I be able to do something that I don't feel like I am necessarily very good at but without the self doubt kind of like coming in so strong?

这背后是怎么回事？

What's happening there?

这真的很有意思，因为现在我们开始聊到自我怀疑的第二个驱动因素了，

So this is really interesting because now we're getting into the second driver of

那就是能动性，这和所谓的自我效能感有关。

self doubt which is agency, which relates to what's called self efficacy

也就是相信自己能做好这件事，而且能做得很好。

Which is the belief that I can do this and I can do it well.

但这也和缺乏接纳有关，因为你做内容是有成绩的，而且客观来说，你做得非常好。

But it's also feeding into a lack of acceptance because you have a track record of creating content and you're very good at it, objectively speaking.

所以，因为你有一个标准没达到，当它没达到时，你就会自我批评。

And so the fact that you have a certain standard that's not being met, when it doesn't get met, you become self critical.

我做得不够好。

I'm not good enough for this.

我不喜欢这个。

I don't enjoy this.

所以这就是缺乏自我接纳。

So that's a lack of self acceptance.

所以这里有两个因素在起作用。

So there's two elements coming into it.

有一个非常有用的方法就是提醒自己。

Something that can be really helpful is to remind yourself.

大脑的运作方式是……

So the brain operates...

我喜欢这样描述它。

I like to describe it like this.

大脑的运作方式就像YouTube的推荐算法。

The brain operates like a YouTube algorithm.

我们都知道它是怎么运作的。

So we all know how it works.

你在YouTube上，有个东西吸引了你的注意，你点开看了，然后觉得，这挺奇怪的。

You're on YouTube and something catches your attention and you watch it and you're like, that's odd.

比如说，是关于兔子的视频。

Let's say it's about rabbits.

兔子在吃胡萝卜。

Rabbits eating some carrots.

然后你想，哦，我本来没想看这个。

And you're like, oh, I didn't wanna see that.

突然，推荐给你的视频全是兔子吃胡萝卜，或者你刷着刷着，突然看到一堆兔子。

Suddenly, the recommended videos for you are rabbits eating carrots, or like you're scrolling and suddenly you're seeing all these rabbits.

算法就会想，好，这个人在这东西上多停留了一会儿，那就多给他推点类似的。

The algorithm just goes, okay, this person spent a little bit longer looking at this thing, so let's give them more of it.

我们觉得那就是他们喜欢的。

We think that's what they like.

大脑的运作方式非常相似。

The brain operates in a very similar way.

如果你允许一个批判性的想法悄悄溜进来，通常会发生的是，它会激活一整片其他批判性想法的网络。

If you allow one critical thought to creep in, what happens is that usually activates a whole network of other critical thoughts.

这就是为什么在那些时刻，你会突然看到所有这些元素，或者所有这些内心的欺骗者，所有这些批判性的想法，仅仅因为一个溜了进来。

And that's why in those moments, you're suddenly served up all of these elements or all of these inner deceivers, all of these critical thoughts just because one crept in.

丹尼尔·阿门医生分享了一个很棒的类比，他谈到了蚂蚁。

There's this fantastic analogy shared by doctor Daniel Amen, and he talks about ants.

让我先铺垫一下。

So let me frame it up.

我第一次独自生活的时候，是和几个室友一起，我们遇到了严重的蚂蚁问题，严重到有一次我把一个糖果包装纸留在厨房桌子上，然后离开了。

When I lived on my own for the first time ever, was I with some roommates, and we had terrible ants, like a really bad ant problem, to the point that one time I left out a candy wrapper on the kitchen table, went away.

二十分钟后我回来，整个东西都被蚂蚁包围了。

Twenty minutes later, I came back, and the entire thing was swarming with ants.

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

挺烦人的。

Not very pleasant.

别让我碰到鸡蛋。

Catch me with the egg.

关键是，蚂蚁发现食物时会怎么做，嗯。

The point is, what ants do when they come and identify food Mhmm.

它们会留下……

They will leave...

比如，当一只蚂蚁发现食物时，它会留下信息素，一路传回蚁后那里，告诉其他蚂蚁：嘿，这里有食物，它们就是这样找到食物的。

Like, when one of them does, it leaves pheromones going back to the queen to let their ant buddies know, hey, there is food, and that's how they will find it.

我们的大脑处理想法也是这样的。

That's how the brain works with our thoughts.

你有一个消极的想法，突然就会激活一整串相关的想法。

You have one negative thought, suddenly, it's activating a whole network of them.

哇。

Wow.

所以如果你知道会发生这种情况，我们首先想做几件事。

So if you know that this happens, there's a few things that we wanna do first.

有一种观点……

There's this whole view...

我在网上经常听到这种说法，就是不要预想可能出错的事情，因为那样你可能会把它变成现实。

I mean, I hear it a lot online, the idea of don't anticipate things that could go wrong because then you might will it into existence.

对于像这样的小事，我的意思是，不是说它不重要，但这是一个可控的情况，比如，我必须为某个客户创作内容，或者我必须做某件事，而我真的很不擅长。

When it comes to really little things like this, like, I mean, not that it's little, but it's a contained situation where, okay, I have to create content, for example, for for a client, or I have to do this thing and I really don't think I'm very good at it.

预想一下你会有怎样的感受。

Anticipate how you're going to feel.

会发生什么？

What's going to happen?

好的。

Okay.

在那一刻，我会感到烦躁。

In that moment, I'm going to feel irritable.

我想跟你们还有所有听众分享一件事。

I'm gonna share something with you and everyone listening.

其实我也不喜欢做内容。

I don't enjoy creating content either.

但即便如此，我们已经坚持做了五年了。

And yet, we've been doing it for five years.

而这正是我们主要的营销策略。

And that's our main course of marketing.

我真心不太喜欢做这个。

I really don't enjoy it.

所以我建议，如果你也有同感，可以拿张纸把它分成两半。

So what I will do and what I encourage anyone who resonates with this to do, grab a piece of paper and divide it into two pages.

在左边写下所有可能阻碍你交付成果、让你无法感到满意或影响表现的因素。

On the left, write down all the things that might block you from delivering, from feeling really good about it, from performing.

其中一个就是，嗯，那些批判性的想法。

And one of them would be, well, the critical thoughts.

另一个就是，我会变得烦躁，因为我不想待在那里。

Another one would be, I'm going to get irritable because I don't wanna be there.

还有一个就是……

Another one would...

不管是什么。

Whatever it is.

要非常清楚那些你知道会阻碍你的东西。

Get really clear on the things that you know are gonna get in your way.

然后在右边那一栏，你写下，嗯，如果这种情况出现了，我会怎么做？

And then in the right hand side column, you actually write down, well, what will I do if this arises?

如果它出现了，我会怎么做？

What will I do if it arises?

因为第一步是，我们需要建立对自己的信任，即使这种事情发生了，嗯。

Because the first step is we need to develop trust in ourselves that even if this thing happens Mhmm.

我们没事的。

We're okay.

我们有恢复计划。

We have our recovery plan.

就是这样。

That's what it is.

所以你可以说，比如，如果我开始感到烦躁，我会打个电话，休息五分钟，出去走走，给自己泡杯茶，随便什么。

So you might say, you know, if I start to feel irritable, I'm gonna call 5 and take a five minute break and just go for a walk and make myself a tea, whatever it is.

如果我注意到批判性的想法出现，我会对自己说，这是大脑在正常工作。

If I notice the critical thoughts coming in, I'm going to say to myself, this is my brain doing its job.

顺便提一下，我们发现……

Little side note, we find that...

我以前常说“side piece”，但我在美国做了很多播客，他们总会停顿一下。

I I used to say side piece, but I've just done a lot of podcast in America, and they'd always pause.

所以我意识到，这里我说的不是“side piece”那个意思。

So I realized side piece is not what I'm referring to here.

就像是一个小提示。

It's like a side note.

小提示。

Side note.

说到过度思考和担忧，高智商和过度思考之间是有关系的。

When it comes to overthinking and worrying, there is a relationship between high intelligence and overthinking.

所以如果你陷入“我不够好”、“这太难了”这样的想法，那可能也反映了你智商高，因为你客观地意识到了风险，这会让你的焦虑飙升，导致更多过度思考，削弱你的自信，然后你通常表现不佳。

So if you're getting stuck in the I'm not good enough, this is too hard, it could also be a reflection of high intelligence because you're aware of the risks objectively, which then spikes your anxiety, which leads to more overthinking, which strips you of your confidence, and then you generally underperform.

所以你担心的事情几乎都成真了。

So everything you were worried about almost comes true.

好的。

Okay.

所以你在规划当下如何应对。

So you're mapping out how you'll respond in the moment.

这只会给你...

This just gives you...

这会让你在当下更有掌控感，这样你就知道，好的。

It increases your agency in the moment so that you know, okay.

不管发生什么，我都没问题。

No matter what happens, I'm okay.

我会处理好的。

I'll handle it.

然后就是努力把你的身份和你设定的标准分开。

Then there's the work to try and separate your identity from the standards that you're setting.

但这么在意正是让人成功的一部分。

But caring so much is part of what makes someone successful.

但事情没有达到你想要的程度，怎么能不影响你更深层的自我价值呢？

But how can it not being as good as you want it to be not impact your worth at a deeper level?

比如，怎么能不因此陷入恶性循环，然后毁掉一整天呢？

Like, how can it not spiral to then ruin a whole day?

比如，在那次经历结束时，我心想，其实你说得对。

Like, for example, at the end of that experience, I was like, actually, you're right.

我们搞定了，其实挺好的。

We got it done and it was fine.

而且我觉得我们做出来的东西还挺不错的。

And actually, what we created was quite good, I think.

但为了别的事情，我当时……

But for something else, I was...

我知道之后还有别的事要做，其实我的决定是……

I knew there was something else I had to do afterwards and actually, my decision was...

我不知道这样健不健康，但当时就是……

And I don't know if this was healthy or not but it was...

我知道我没法把它做到我想要的样子，所以我干脆换个完全不同的做法，因为我知道如果做不好，我会特别受影响，所以不如换个思路。

I know I'm not gonna be able to get this the way that I want it, so I'm actually gonna completely change tacks on that because I know it's gonna put me in a position where I'm going to feel so affected by not being able to do as good a job as I want to do, so let me do it in a completely different way.

好。

Okay.

这又是另一种策略。

And that's another strategy.

这就是所谓的“事前验尸”的一种形式。

That's a form of what's called a pre mortem.

对。

Okay.

这在项目管理领域里很常见。

Which is in the project management world.

基本上，我们之前讨论的是如果出了问题，如何制定恢复计划。

Basically, so what we talked about before was this idea of, like, a recovery plan if something goes wrong.

但你也可以在开始之前先审视一下，想想所有可能出错的地方，以及如何避免这些问题发生。

But you can also review something before you start it and say, what are all the things that could go wrong, and how do I mitigate that from happening?

所以，你刚才的做法其实非常明智，前提是你没有给自己制造大量额外的工作，而且最终结果也……

So what you did there was actually very wise, assuming you didn't create huge amounts of extra work for yourself and it ended up...

这确实是个非常聪明的策略。

So that's a really smart strategy.

如果你内心深处知道自己不会满意，而且这会影响你的表现，是的。

If you deep down know that you're not going to be satisfied and it's gonna impact your performance Mhmm.

然后你会说，好吧。

You then say, okay.

我在这里还有什么其他选择？

What other options do I have here?

所以这里有一个小工具，适合每个人。

So here's a little tool for everyone.

当我们陷入自我批评时，我们常常使用“应该”这样的语言。

When we get stuck in self criticism, we often use language of should.

我应该像这样。

I should be like this.

我应该在这方面做得更好。

I should be better at this.

我应该能够……

I should be able to...

或者我应该已经……

Or I should have.

比如，我本该那么做的。

Like, I should have done that.

我本该……罗克西，如果我对你说，你真的应该……你会有什么感觉？

I should have how do you feel, Roxie, if I were to say to you, you really should...

你应该这样做。

You should do this.

你应该那样做。

You should do that.

当别人告诉你该做什么的时候，你是什么感觉？

How do you feel when someone else tells you what you should do?

不。

No.

那太糟糕了。

It's horrible.

不。

No.

太糟糕了。

It's horrible.

我就想说，不好意思。

I'm like, excuse me.

你告诉我该怎么做。

You tell me what to do.

没错。

Exactly.

这就是那种反应。

And this is the response.

当别人告诉我们该怎么做时，我们会经历一种叫做“逆反心理”的东西，对吧。

When someone tells us what we should do, we experience what's called reactance Right.

因为我们从根本上就不喜欢被人指挥。

Because we fundamentally don't like being told what to do.

这会削弱两样东西：我们的自主性，也就是自我怀疑的第二大支柱，以及我们的独立性，也就是自己做选择的自由。

It undermines two things, our agency, which is the second pillar of self doubt, and our autonomy, which is our freedom to make our own choices.

所以我们对此反应很负面。

So we react to it negatively.

这也是为什么人们不太喜欢接受反馈。

It's also why people don't really like receiving feedback.

不过这个话题我们以后再聊。

But anyway, topic for another another's conversation.

当我们对自己说“应该”的时候，也会遇到同样的情况。

When we tell ourselves what we should do, we can experience the same thing.

我们会抗拒，结果反而更糟。

And we resist it, and it makes things even worse.

然后你内心的那些“骗子”就会跳出来。

And then your inner deceivers jump in.

如果我们不想用“应该”这个词，那该用什么代替呢？

If we don't wanna use the word should, what do we use instead?

其实，有一项研究专门针对这个问题。

Well, there was a study that looked at this specific thing.

这项研究其实是在群体中进行的，但它同样适用于个人。

It was actually looking at it in groups of people, but it applies to the individual.

他们发现你可以做一个转变。

And they found there's one shift you can make.

把“应该”换成“可以”。

You move from should to could.

我可以做什么？

What could I do?

我可以做什么？

What could I do?

嗯，我想我可以做这个，可以做那个，也可以做那个。

Well, I guess I could do this, I could do that, I could do that.

你不需要承诺任何事情，只是提醒自己还有选择。

You're not committing to anything, you're just reminding yourself there are options.

这里有很多可能性。

There are possibilities here.

所以你就创建了我说的‘可以做清单’。

And so you create what I call your could do list.

然后从那里，你再进入你的‘将会做清单’。

And then from there, you move into your, well, is my will do list.

你挑一到三件你确定要做的事。

You pick one to three things that you will do.

当我们这样做，当我们陷入‘应该’的思维时，实际上恐惧检测中心，也就是威胁检测中心，也会被激活。

When we do that, when we get stuck in shoulds, what's happening is there's also activation in that fear detection center, the threat detection center.

我们会感到自主性下降，因为在那些时刻，我们觉得一切都失控了，我们无能为力。

We see a drop in autonomy because in these moments, we feel like everything's out of our control, we have no power.

所以这一切都在自我强化。

So it's all feeding itself.

那是因为这是大脑的默认部分。

That's because it's a default part of the brain.

一旦我们转向‘可以’的思维，我们自然就会重新获得注意力，重新掌控局面，看到更多血液流向大脑前部，这样我们就能更好地探索可能性、寻找解决方案。

The moment we shift into could, we are naturally regaining attention, regaining control, seeing more blood flowing to the front part of the brain so we can access more of the possibility seeking the solution finding.

这很简单，但也很强大。

It's so simple, and yet it is so powerful.

所以鼓励所有听众把这个写下来，就是“我可以”和“我会”的清单。

So encourage anyone listening to write that down, the I could and the I will list.

而你刚才做的，其实就是实时地运用了这一点。

And what you did is you basically did that in real time.

那能不能有人用

And could someone use

这个甚至用在像，你知道，当我们告诉自己，哦，我这周真的应该去健身房。

that even for something like, you know, when we're telling ourselves, oh, I really should go to the gym this week.

你知道，人们经常对自己说，哦，我今天应该吃得健康，我应该。

You know, people say that to themselves a lot, oh, I should eat healthy today, I should.

而实际上，他们只是在给自己制造更多的阻力。

And actually, they're actually just creating more resistance for themselves.

那你能不能...

So can you...

就算那样，你只要说，嗯，我可以去健身房，或者说我会去健身房，这样也行吗？

Even for that, you just say, well, I could go to the gym or would saying I will go to the gym also work?

所以，如果是

So So if it's

你内心深处其实不太想做的事，健身房就是个好例子。

something that you inherently deep down don't really want to do, so the gym is a good one.

因为即使是经常锻炼的人，你知道，我不确定他们是不是总想去健身房，但他们还是会去，因为他们知道这很重要。

Because even people who work out regularly, you know, I don't know if they always want to be going to the gym, but they do it because they know it's important.

所以在这些时刻，我们可以用一些简单的语言转换来增强我们做对自己有益的事情的意愿。

So there are simple language reframes we can use in these moments to try and increase our desire to do the things that are good for us.

我的意思是，你可以从你的“我可以”清单开始，然后如果你决定……

I mean, you could start with your I could list, and then if you decide that...

对。

Yes.

因为基本上，你的“我可以”清单会是，嗯，我可以待在沙发上，或者我可以去健身房。对。

Because basically, your I could list would be, well, I could stay on the couch or I could go to the gym Yeah.

或者我可以……

Or I could...

所以你就把这些选项列出来。

So you just map these things out.

那如果有人觉得，对，但我就是想在沙发上待着，我建议你做个成本分析。

Now, if someone's like, yeah, but I wanna stay on the couch, what I'd recommend you do is the cost analysis.

好的。

Okay.

现在感觉确实很爽，但你知道吗？

This feels really good now in the short term, but you know what?

如果一个月后我还是选择躺在沙发上，那感觉就会很糟糕。

In a month, if I keep choosing the couch, this is gonna feel really bad.

所以，我现在就迈出那艰难的一步，因为我知道一个月后，感觉会好很多。

So actually, I'm gonna take that hard step now because I know that in a month, it's gonna feel much better.

这就是简单的成本分析，有点像行为经济学。

So simple cost analysis, that's like behavioral economics.

但思路就是，好吧。

But the idea would be, okay.

所以我不想去健身房，但我已经写下了所有我能做的事，然后我决定去健身房。

So I don't wanna go to the gym, but I've written down all the things I could do, and I'm going to decide to go to the gym.

所以我要把语言改成“能去”或“选择去”。

So I'm going to change my language into get to or choose to.

我特别喜欢“选择去”，因为这提醒自己，我有这么多选择，但我是在有意识地选择把重要的事放在前面，优先处理它。躺在沙发上看Netflix或者别的什么当然更容易，但我选择去做这件事。

And I especially like choose to because you're reminding yourself, I had all these things I could do, but I am making a conscious choice to put what is important first, prioritize that, it's gonna be easier to stay on the couch watching Netflix or whatever it is, I'm choosing to do it.

这非常有力，因为归根结底，我喜欢说这句话，虽然有点争议，你做的每一件事都是选择。

And that is so powerful because at the end of the day, and I like to say this since it's a little controversial, everything you do is a choice.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

而且这……

And it's...

有些人会抗拒，说，不，但我留在这份糟糕的工作里，因为我别无选择。

Some people will resist it and say, no, but I I am staying in this horrible job because I have no choice.

然后我就说，那如果你明天选择不去上班，会发生什么？

And I'm like, well, what would happen if you chose not to go to work tomorrow?

嗯，我想，你知道，我的经理会不高兴。

Well, I guess, you know, my manager wouldn't like it.

那如果你这周剩下的时间都选择不去上班呢？

And what if you chose not to go to work the rest of the week?

嗯，我想我会被开除。

Well, I guess I'd be fired.

好的。

Okay.

那有一份工作对你来说重要吗，因为你需要它来生活？

And is having a job important to you so you can live?

嗯，是的，因为它支撑我的生活方式。

Well, yes, because it funds my lifestyle.

好的。

Okay.

所以你选择去上班，是因为它能给你现在需要的结果。

So you're choosing to go to work because it gives you an outcome that you need right now.

但你明天也可以选择不去。

But you could choose not to tomorrow.

所以即使什么都不做……

So even not doing something...

这很难，我记得我学法律的时候，我们上过一整门伦理……

This is hard, and I remember when I was studying law, we did a whole ethical...

那门课叫法理学，法律法理学。

It was called jurisprudence, legal jurisprudence.

我们讨论伦理问题，其中有个观点是，如果你选择不做决定，那还算不算一个决定？

We were discussing ethical questions, and it was this idea of if you omit to make a decision, is that still a decision?

而争论的焦点是，某种程度上，它也算。

And the argument is, well, it kind of is.

所以一切都是选择。

So everything is a choice.

当你突然意识到这一点，你会感觉更有力量……

And when you realize that suddenly, you feel a lot more...

对，你会希望自己感觉更有掌控力。是的。

Well, you you wanna be feeling a lot more empowered Yes.

知道如果生活中有什么让你不满意的地方，你可以选择去改变它。

To know that if there's something you're not happy with in your life, you can choose to do something about it.

我真的很喜欢这个观点，因为当我谈到

I really love that because when I talk about

感恩和显化时，我会提到那种重新框架：从“我不得不做”到“我有机会做”，我觉得这非常适用。

gratitude in manifest, I talk about that reframe of I have to do it till I get to do it and I think that works so well for that.

但在建立自信和自我信任方面，我觉得“我选择去做”这个说法真的很有力量。

But in terms of confidence building and building that self trust, I think that I choose to is so empowering.

比如，如果我早上醒来……

Like, if I woke up...

因为，你知道，比如今天早上，我每天早上醒来，其实都不想去健身房。

Because, you know, this morning, for example, I really, every morning I wake up, I don't wanna go to the gym.

我同意。

I agree.

但是，你知道，这种能对自己说“我选择”的感觉，光是想想就让我感觉很好，因为我在想，我在选择某件事，我在选择我自己，这就是那一刻我在对自己说的。我觉得如果你不断肯定这一点，我选择我自己，我今天选择吃有营养的食物，我选择不按掉闹钟，我选择完成这个任务，因为我知道我会感觉更好。

But, you know, this kind of being able to say to myself, I'm choosing to actually makes me feel good even thinking about saying that to myself because I'm like, I am choosing something, I am choosing myself is what I'm saying in that moment and I think if you constantly affirm that, I choose myself, I choose to eat nutritious food today, I'm choosing to not snooze my alarm, I'm choosing to complete this task because I know I'm gonna feel better.

这让我觉得，是的，我在选择我自己，这会让我觉得自己值得被尊重、被爱、有自律，以及所有那些东西，而对我来说，这反过来就是在向宇宙传递那个信息。

That makes me feel like, yeah, I am choosing me which is going to make me feel like I am worthy of respect and love and discipline and all those things which for me in turn is sending that message universe.

我选择我自己，所以我也希望你选择我。

I choose myself, so I want you to choose me too.

太美了。

Beautiful.

哦，我太喜欢这个了，因为你说得对。

Oh, I so love that because you're right.

如果你不选择自己，凭什么期待别人选择你呢？

If you don't choose you, why should you expect anyone else to choose you?

有没有一种自我怀疑的版本其实是有用的，还是说它永远是敌人？

Is there ever a version of self doubt that's actually useful or is it always the enemy?

有用。

Useful.

不。

No.

它绝对可以是有用的。

It can absolutely be useful.

这完全取决于我们是否允许它渗透进我们的自我认同感。

It's entirely dependent on whether we allow it to infiltrate our sense of identity.

所以，如果我们听到它并相信它，把它当作事实，它就会阻止我们采取行动或让我们犹豫不决，那它就有害且具有破坏性。

So if we hear it and believe it and believe it to be fact, and it prevents us from taking action or hesitating, then it is damaging and destructive.

但我们的目标是学会听到它，并承认这是我大脑的一部分，在做一个健康大脑该做的事。

But the goal is learning to hear it and acknowledge this is a part of my brain doing what a healthy brain does.

我选择如何回应它。

I choose how I respond to that.

现在，我想分享一个类比。嗯。

Now, I wanna share this analogy Mhmm.

这个比喻能帮我们应对自我怀疑。

Which can help us when it comes to self doubt.

我觉得这个画面特别美。

And I just think it's such a beautiful visual.

就是关于野牛和奶牛的故事。

It's to do with a bison and a cow.

野牛和奶牛在动物谱系和历史方面非常相似。

So bison and cows are very similar in terms of animal genealogy and their history.

它们是近亲。

They're cousins.

但面对暴风雨时，它们的反应截然不同。

But they have a very different response to storms when there's a storm.

比如，奶牛在暴风雨来临前会挤在一起。

So a cow has been observed to huddle when there's a storm coming.

它们会聚成一团，或者朝远离暴风雨的方向走。

They'll huddle together or walk away from the storm.

所以它们顺着风的方向走，也就是远离风暴的方向。

So they walk in the direction of the wind, which is coming away from the storm.

但问题是，等风暴最终追上它们时，它们就首当其冲了。

But then what happens is by the time the storm eventually catches up to them, they get the brunt of it.

而野牛则相反，它们会迎着风暴走。

Whereas bison, on the other hand, have been observed to walk into a storm.

它们走进风暴，等风暴达到最猛烈的时候，野牛已经穿过去了。

So they walk into a storm, and then what happens is by the time the storm reaches its worst, the bison has moved through it.

这很好地比喻了人们在面对生活中的困难、不适甚至自我怀疑时的心态。

And this is a beautiful analogy for the type of mindsets that we find people have when it comes towards hard things in life, discomfort in life, and even self doubt.

很多人一辈子都抱着这种心态：我要逃离这场风暴。

A lot of people live their lives with that mindset of I'm gonna run away from this storm.

这件事太难了。

This thing is hard.

这让人不舒服。

This is uncomfortable.

怀疑太大了。

The doubt is too great.

内心的欺骗者，内心的批评者正在占据上风。

The inner deceivers, the inner critics are taking over.

我，我想逃避。

I I wanna escape.

当他们试图回避和逃跑时，生活反而变得更加艰难。

And then it makes life so much more difficult when they try and avoid it, and they try and run away.

而野牛的心态是承认生活确实可能非常艰难。

Whereas the bias and mindset is acknowledging that life can be really difficult.

不适无处不在。

Discomfort is everywhere.

但如果我接受并拥抱这一点，那么通常会发生的是，我向自己展示了我的能力，而那些我以为会来的巨大困难……

But if I embrace that and lean into that, then generally what will happen is that I show myself what I'm capable of, and that crazy difficulty that's going...

我以为会来的那些困难，就这样过去了。

That I thought was going to come, it just passes.

所以我特别喜欢这个，因为它其实和第三个自我怀疑的特质，或者说驱动它的那个特质，是紧密相关的，那就是缺乏自主性。人们选择安全、轻松的方式，选择赖在床上，不去做困难的事情，待在自己的舒适区里，但最后却过得很痛苦，还纳闷为什么生活没有改变，为什么这么难，然后受害者心态就出现了。

And so I love this because it actually ties into the third attribute of self doubt or the one that drives it, which is a lack of autonomy, where people choose safe and easy and staying in bed and not doing the hard thing and staying in their comfort zone, but then they end up miserable, wondering why life has not changed and why life is so difficult, and the victim mentality comes in.

而那些真正成长的人会说，好吧，我知道成长就在不适的另一边。

As opposed to those who go, okay, I know that growth lies on the other side of discomfort.

如果没有挑战，我就不会成长。

I am not going to grow unless I'm challenged.

成长就是这样发生的。

That's how growth happens.

没错。

Absolutely.

所以当我们想到自我怀疑时，我们要认识到，它并不是什么需要逃避的东西。

And so when we think of self doubt, we need to acknowledge it's nothing to run away from.

我们只需要一些工具，当它出现的时候，能够去应对它。

We just need the tools to be able to work through it when it's there.

这就是为什么你的工作，Roxie，如此重要。

And that's why your work, Roxie, is so important.

你的书非常有价值。

Your books are so valuable.

这就是为什么我们做的工作如此重要。

That's why the work that we do is so important.

这也是为什么我们那本《大信任》这么有价值，因为它给了人们那种感觉。

Why the book we have, Big Trust is so valuable because it gives people that Yeah.

给了他们可以使用的工具。

Tools that they can use.

当人们有了工具包，他们就会突然觉得自己更有能力应对任何情况。

And when people have a toolkit, they suddenly feel more equipped to handle whatever comes their way.

我喜欢这个。

I love that.

我喜欢这个。

I love that.

我的下一个问题是我经常被问到的。

My next question is one that I actually get asked quite often.

我真的很想听听你的看法。

I'm really intrigued to hear your take in it.

人们经常问我，怎么知道是真正的直觉在告诉我应该避开某件事，或者某件事对我不好？

People often say to me sort of how do I know what is genuine intuition telling me I should avoid something or something's not good for me?

我怎么分辨那是直觉，还是伪装成直觉的自我怀疑？

How can I tell when it's that, when it's intuition, or when it's self doubt dressed up as intuition?

哦，这个问题问得太好了。

Oh, what a fantastic question.

我觉得这需要很多自我觉察和自我探究，但我通常喜欢问自己：如果我没有那些批判性的想法，我还会想做这件事吗？

I would say this requires a lot of self awareness and self inquiry, But I generally like to think to myself, okay, if I didn't have the critical thoughts, would I still want to do this thing?

它符合我的身份和我对自己的期望吗？

Is it aligned with who I am and what I want for myself?

还是说，我依然不想做？

Or would I still not want to do it?

如果是后者，那就是你的直觉，你应该听从它。

In which case, that's your intuition and you want to be listening to that.

有时候，这只能通过经验来获得，比如你没有听从直觉，去追求了某件事，然后发现，哎呀，天哪，我当初应该听直觉的。

Sometimes this only comes through experience where you have not listened to your intuition, pursued something and realized, oh, dear, okay, I should have been listening to my intuition.

所以，确实会有一些证据出现。

So there is an element of evidence that comes.

说到证据，挺有意思的，因为自信，其实根据研究，自信来自证据，而证据来自行动。

It's interesting when we think about evidence because confidence really, when we look at what the research says, confidence comes from evidence and evidence comes from action.

所以我们必须向自己证明，我们能做某件事，我们是有价值的。

So we have to have proved to ourselves that we can do something, we are worthy.

但这不一定意味着你过去必须做过某些艰难的决定并且坚持下来了。

But that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have made certain decisions in the past where there's been something hard and you persisted.

其实可以只是，我走进这个房间，就像我属于这里一样。

It can actually just be I'm going to show up in this room like I belong.

这就是我在采取行动。

That's me taking an action.

然后人们就会像对待属于这里的人一样回应我。

And then people are gonna respond to me like I belong.

这会强化你的信念：是的，我属于这里。

And that's going to reinforce, yes, I belong.

所以这个想法就是，是先行动还是先有信心？其实你可以直接以你想成为的那个人的姿态出现。

So this idea of, you know, is it action first, confidence first, you can actually just show up as the person you wanna be.

有趣的是，有一种叫做“具身认知”的理论，非常美妙，我很喜欢，显然你也知道。

Fascinatingly, there's something called embodied cognition, which is beautiful, and I love it, and clearly you know it.

这个理论的意思是，当你现在就体现出未来想成为的那个自己，以那个人的方式出现，以那个人的方式说话，对那个人会同意的事情说“是”，你就更有可能相信自己就是那个人，因为你正在用行动向自己证明：这就是我。

It's this idea that when you embody the future you that you wanna be, but you embody it now, you show up how that person would show up, you speak how that person would speak, you say yes to things that person would say yes to, you are more likely to believe that you are that person Because you're showing yourself in evidence, this is who I am.

然后其他人也更有可能以对待那个人的方式来回应你。

And then other people are more likely to respond to you as if you are that person.

于是机会就来了。

So opportunities open up.

你会遇到对的人。

You meet the right people.

好事自然找上门来。对。

Things come to you Mhmm.

当你迈出那一步的时候。

When you step into that.

如果批评不存在，我还会想做这件事吗？

If the criticism wasn't there, would I still want to do this?

这符合我的内心吗？

Is this aligned?

说到直觉，这个想法在看待讨好型人格的人时特别有用，对。

This idea of intuition is a really good one when we look at people pleasers Yeah.

还有那些寻求认可、习惯性说“是”的人。

And people who seek validation and say yes compulsively.

因为这时就会有一个问题：他们怎么知道自己说“是”是因为自己是个好人，对吧。

Because then a question arises, how do they know if they're saying yes because they're a good person Mhmm.

还是因为他们是讨好型人格，害怕拒绝会让人失望，怕被排斥？

Or they're saying yes because they're a people pleaser and they're afraid of rejection if they say no and disappointing the other person?

最终归结到一个信号，那就是怨恨。

And it comes down to one thing, one signal, and that signal is resentment.

如果我答应这件事，我会不会怨恨这个人、这个情况，或者我自己？

Will I resent this person, this situation, or myself if I say yes to this thing?

这需要你稍微展望一下未来，因为很多时候在当下，你只是想让他们开心。

And that requires you to kind of project into the future, because often in the moment, you just wanna make them happy.

但你需要真正静下心来对自己说，好吧。

But you need to really sit with yourself and say, okay.

接下来的三个周末我都要帮朋友搬进她的房子，完全没有时间留给自己或家人，几周后我会不会怨恨这个决定和这个情况，还是会真的很开心？

Is spending the next three weekends that I have to help my friend move into her house and not have any time for me or my family, will I resent that decision and situation in few weeks, or will I be really happy?

这就能区分直觉和自我批评，有意思的是，讨好型人格的人往往不觉得自己是在自我批评，因为这已经深深融入他们的本性了。

And that can be the difference between intuition and self criticism, which it's interesting because people pleasers don't necessarily feel like they're self criticism because it's so deeply a part of who they are.

但问问自己，我会不会怨恨这件事？

But asking yourself, will I resent this?

以后回想起来。

Down the track.

或者另一个问题可以是，如果没人知道我在做这个决定，如果没人知道，我还会这么做吗？

Or a second question could be, if no one knew I was making this decision, if no one knew, would I still do this?