174. 🕯一切平静？一切虚假：关于自信的真相

Aproche制作。

Aproche production.

她唱起了圣诞十二日。

She rises twelve days of Christmas.

大家好。

Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到圣诞十二日的第四天。

Welcome back to twelve days of Christmas day four.

哦，我的天啊。

Oh my goodness.

时间过得真快。

It's going so fast.

确实如此。

It is.

希望你们都非常喜欢。

Hope you guys are absolutely loving it.

今天的主题全是关于自信、假装自信，以及无法静下心来独处和面对沉默。

Today's is all about confidence and faking it and not being able to sit in your own thoughts and in silence.

所以我今天要深入探讨这个话题。

So I'm gonna go deep into that today.

绝对的。

Absolutely.

那么不安全感在哪里伪装成了自信呢？

And where is insecurity disguised as confidence?

在我生命中有很多次，我都表现得比实际感受更自信。

There have been many times in my life where I have pretended to be more confident than what I actually felt.

我也是。

Me too.

就像，我当时其实焦虑得一塌糊涂。

Like, just I was an anxious mess.

假装直到你成功。

Take it till you make it.

是的。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

在社交场合的后排坐着时，我的内心却在翻江倒海，当所有人都表现得自信满满时，我却在自己的脑海里与自己对话。

Spiraling mentally while sitting in the back of a social setting or, you know, while everyone's, like, confident I'm in my head thinking and having a conversation with myself.

对。

Yes.

这种情况尤其发生在我与前男友马特的初恋关系中。

This especially used to play out in my first relationship with my ex, Matt.

我们在一起有三四年。

We were together for, three to four years.

我记得我们的关系发展到某个阶段时，我们已经共度了太多时光。

And I remember it got to a point in our relationship where we had just spent so much time together.

我们当时一起工作。

We were working together.

我们一起去健身房。

We were going to the gym together.

他几乎一直住在我家，或者反过来。

He was staying at my house all the time or or vice versa.

所以我们几乎形影不离。

And so we just, like, always were with each other.

当然，我觉得不是所有人都会这样，但特别是他和我，我们甚至会去浪漫晚餐时

Obviously, I don't think this happens with everybody, but with him and I especially, I got to the point where we would go for a romantic dinner

嗯。

Yeah.

然后我们就坐在那里，彼此无话可说。

And we would just sit there and, like, not say anything to each other.

我想当你

I suppose when you're

如果整天形影不离，有时候确实会找不到话题可聊。

with each other all the time, you might find out of things to talk about sometimes.

我们不会。

Not us.

不过确实。

But Yeah.

这倒是真的。

That's true.

我们不会。

Not us.

但和他之间，我们并不具备那种友谊层面的关系。

But with him, it was we didn't have that necessarily, like, that friendship aspect.

更多是浪漫的亲密关系。

It was more romantic intimacy Yeah.

就是那种化学反应。

Like, the chemistry.

那段关系里更多的是那种感觉，而非其他。

It was more of that in that relationship than anything.

所以我觉得当我们处于只有浪漫氛围或只有我们两人互动的环境中时，总会感觉有些不对劲。

And so I think when we were in dynamics or environments where it was just romantic, just us two connecting, it was a little bit off, felt a little bit off.

我坐在他对面时，脑子里总在想：现在该怎么填补这个空间？

So I'd be sitting there in front of him thinking in my head, how do I feel the space right now?

就是没法和他安静地待着，那种沉默让人特别不自在。

Like, couldn't just sit in silence with him because it just felt so uncomfortable.

我当时就想，天啊。

I thought, like, oh my god.

如果我不说话、不行动、或者不够有趣，他可能就会离开我。

If I'm not talking or if I'm not doing or if I'm not entertaining enough, like, maybe he'll leave me.

是啊。

Yeah.

你懂吗？

You know?

这种不安全感被我伪装成自信，总是有话题可聊，是的。

And so it was like this insecurity that I had that I masked as confidence with always having a topic to talk about Yeah.

总是觉得我能轻易填补空白，因为我可以谈论任何事，甚至在水下都能滔滔不绝，但这其实是源于内心的不安。

And always feeling like I could fill the space so easily because I could talk about anything and talk underwater, but it was fueled from a place of insecurity.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

那是我人生中一段非常直面自我的时期。

And so that was a really confronting time in my life.

我也意识到这并非他的问题。

And I also recognize it's not because of him.

实际上更多是我自身的原因，因为那时的我并不是一个内心稳定的自己。

It actually had more to do with myself than anything because at the time, I wasn't a very secure version of myself.

而且那段关系也激发了我内心的不安全感。

And I was also in a relationship that brought out insecurity in me.

你知道吗，我那时总是感到嫉妒，不停地担心他在做什么之类的。

You know, I was constantly feeling jealous all the time, constantly worrying about what he was doing and all that.

可以说，我在那段感情里确实不是最好的伴侣。

Like, I definitely wasn't the best partner in that relationship.

我现在就坦白告诉你。

I'll tell you that right now.

但这种行为，这种需要填补沉默、证明自我价值或证明自己足够有趣值得被留下的需求，想想在19岁时这样，真是奇怪。

But this behavior and this need to, like, fill silence or to prove my worth or to prove that I was interesting enough to stay with was bizarre to think that at, you know, at 19 years old.

这很可悲，不是吗？

That's sad, isn't it?

现在回想起来，如果你现在开始一段新恋情，你能坦然面对沉默吗？还是会觉得必须填补空白，认为沉默意味着出了问题？

And upon reflection now, if you were to go into a relationship now, would you be okay to sit in silence, or do you still feel like you need to fill the like, gaps that something's wrong if you're sitting in silence?

不会了。

No.

完全不会。

Absolutely.

我觉得现在不同了，因为我更深入地认识了自己。

I feel like it's different now because I've met myself on a much deeper level.

所以当我独处时，我其实很享受一个人的时光。

So when I am by myself, I actually enjoy being by myself.

比如，我很享受属于自己的时间。

Like, I enjoy my own time.

我喜欢安静地坐着。

I enjoy sitting in quiet.

所以这和与爱的人一起安静是不同的。

I'm So that's difference to being quiet with someone you love.

但我觉得这种状态会渗透到...是的。

But I think it leaks into Yeah.

好的。

Okay.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do know what mean?

所以，比如现在的我，而19岁时的我无法忍受安静，无法独处，害怕孤独。

So, like, me, whereas when I was 19, could not sit in silence, could not be by myself, hated being alone.

是啊。

Yeah.

我当时非常害怕，因为我害怕自己的思绪。

I was so terrified of because I was terrified of my own thoughts.

嗯。

Yeah.

而现在，我基本不担心脑海里会冒出什么念头

Whereas, like, now I'm not scared of what's gonna come up in my head for the

大部分时候。

most part.

绝大多数情况下。

For the most part.

侵入性思维确实存在。

Intrusive thoughts are real.

它们确实存在。

They are real.

所以当我和所爱之人在一起，我会觉得，哦，这，这感觉真好。

And so when I am with loved ones, I'm like, oh, this feels so nice.

是啊。

Yeah.

很放松。

It's relaxing.

就像，哦，我们不必一直紧绷着。

It's like, oh, we don't have to be on.

不必。

No.

我们可以就这样彼此相伴，不必时刻保持亢奋、活跃和高能量。

We can just be with each other, and it doesn't have to be on and lit up and high vibe all the time.

就像，不必。

It's like, no.

我们也可以享受这份宁静。

We can just enjoy this silence too.

感觉真的很棒。

It feels really nice.

所以现在我不再有那种头脑中的杂音，因为我的生活中有稳固的人际关系和重要的人。

And so now I don't really kind of get that head noise, but because I also have secure relationships and people in my life.

这是个很酷的反思，不是吗？

It's a cool reflection, isn't it?

我确实那样做过，而且现在依然会这样，说来惭愧。

I've definitely done that, and I still, guilty, do that now.

如果我要去见某人进行采访，我会把他们捧得很高。是的。

If I'm going to meet someone for an interview and I put them on a pedestal Yeah.

认为他们非常聪明或博学，或者对某个话题了解很多，而我觉得自己没什么可贡献的。确实。

As really smart or really intelligent or they know so much about a topic and I feel like I have nothing to contribute Yep.

我会避开他们。

I'll avoid them.

是啊。

Yeah.

这很可悲，因为它毁掉了机会和联系，而他们其实只是想聊聊天。

And it's sad because it ruins opportunities and connection and they just wanna chat.

你知道吗？

You know?

但我确实害怕，如果我无法为对话做出贡献，他们会觉得我很无聊。

But I definitely have fear around if I can't contribute and add to the conversation that they're gonna be bored of me Yeah.

或者不想采访我之类的。

Or not wanna interview me or I don't know.

我对此想得太多了。

I get way in my head about it.

是啊。

Yeah.

是啊。

Yeah.

这很可怕。

It's scary.

但在所爱之人身边，我不再有那种感觉了。

But with loved ones, I don't feel like that anymore.

我认为当处于安全的关系中时，这种想法就不会频繁出现。

I think when I have safe relationships, it doesn't come up as much.

是的。

Yes.

比如，当我想到

Like, when I think

那些在我生命中、我知道可以依靠的人时，我就觉得可以做真实的自己。

of the people who are, like, in my life and I know I can lean on and I'm just like, oh, I can be myself.

当然，我会在这种关系中感到安全。

Like, of course, I'm gonna feel safe in that dynamic.

但如果是遇到新朋友或新伴侣，我还会这样觉得吗？

But whether if I'm seeing somebody new or have a new partner in my life, do I feel that way?

我不知道。

I don't know.

是啊。

Yeah.

我已经很久没谈恋爱了。

Been a while since I've been in a relationship.

嗯。

Yeah.

我在想如果是新伴侣，你会不会觉得需要填补空白。

I wonder if it's a new partner if you will feel like you need to fill the space.

我在上一段关系中确实觉得需要填补空白。

I definitely felt like I needed to fill space with my last relationship.

是的。

Yeah.

但我在那段关系里也相当焦虑。

But I also was quite anxious in that relationship as well.

我比平时更加焦虑。

I was more anxious than what I am at my baseline.

是的。

Yes.

所以我在想这是否是负面情绪和消极自我对话积累的结果。

And so I wonder if that was the accumulation of the negative headspace and the negative self talk.

是啊。

Yeah.

感觉就像，天啊。

Feeling like, oh my god.

比如，他玩得开心吗？

Like, is he having a good time?

还是不开心？

Is he not?

就像，嗯。

Like Yeah.

我记得我们在布里斯班参加一个活动的时候。

I remember when we were at an event in Brisbane.

是啊。

Yeah.

然后你遇到了一个之前交往过的人，他的伴侣也在场。

And you saw someone that you had been with before and his partner was there.

我注意到你突然变得很反常，我当时就想，她这是在干嘛？

And I noticed you go into this ove like I was like, what is she doing?

但后来我明白了。

But afterwards, I understand.

蒂安娜当时表现得特别夸张，语速飞快，紧张兮兮的，拼命讨好对方，不停夸她衣服好看之类的，简直夸张得不行。

So Tiana went into this, like, almost over talking really fast, really nervous, like, overcompensating, like, complimenting her, like, you dress, and, like, it was a lot.

对啊。

Yeah.

后来你告诉我时我才恍然大悟。

And then afterwards when you told me, oh my gosh.

我曾经和她伴侣交往过。

I used to date her partner.

是啊。

Yeah.

我不想让她感到不自在。

I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

我不确定她是否知道我们的事，我当时很焦虑，只想确保她没事。

Don't want I don't know if she knows about us, and I just got anxious, and I wanted to make sure she's okay.

这很有趣，其实我也做过类似的事。

It's so interesting how and I would I've done similar things too.

就像遇到新认识的人时，我总想给他们留下好印象。

Like, new people I meet, I want to impress them.

你会刻意表现。

You put a on.

对吧？

Right?

确实如此。

Absolutely.

我

I

会那样做。

do that.

这就是那个好女孩，那个有趣的女孩。

This is the nice girl, the funny girl.

想成为酷女孩。

Want cool girl.

是啊。

Yeah.

你希望他们离开时心想，天哪。

You want them to walk away and be like, oh my god.

她给人的感觉最棒了。

She was the best vibe.

是的。

Yes.

如果你状态低迷，就要打起精神来，因为你不想让他们那样看待你。

If you're in a low vibe, you amp it up because you don't want them thinking that of you.

对。

Yeah.

完全同意。

Absolutely.

我希望他们离开时感觉良好。

I want them to leave feeling good.

没错。

Yes.

感觉良好而且感觉

Feeling good and feeling

像是留下美好的第一印象。

like A good first impression.

被接纳了，或者说，我感觉自己被欢迎加入了对话。

Accepted or, like, I was welcomed into the conversation.

因为我从不想让任何人觉得，哦，她没跟我说话或者她很粗鲁，

Because I never want anybody to feel like, oh, she didn't talk to me or she was rude or

随便吧。

whatever.

他们会假设你很高傲，或者觉得你太酷了不屑说话，而实际上你可能只是那天心情不好。

Make an assumption that you're snobby or that you think you're too cool to talk when you could've just been having a bad day.

而且，我直到你指出来才意识到自己确实那样做了。

And, also, I didn't realize that I did that until you called me out on that.

因为在那一刻，我心想，天哪。

And because I in that moment, I was like, oh my gosh.

我必须确保她知道我把她纳入了对话，而且我

I have to make sure she knows that I'm including her in the conversation and I'm

专注于她的伴侣，因为我真的做得很漂亮。

focused on her partner because I I just really beautifully.

绝不想让任何人产生那种感受。

Never wanna make anyone feel that way.

尤其是女性。

Especially women.

因为她本身已经有一种非常强势的气场。

Because she already has, like, a very strong demeanor.

是的。

Yes.

我当时就想，哦，好吧。

And I was like, oh, okay.

就像我确实做了。

Like, I did.

开始试图证明。

Went into proving.

我当时想，我必须证明我不是来抢你男人的。

I was like, I have to prove that I'm not here to steal your man.

是的。

Yes.

你

You

知道吗？

know?

而且这源于一个美好的初衷。

And it's from a beautiful place.

我认为大多数女性会真心欣赏这点，因为如果你只和他交谈，她会想：那家伙到底是谁？

And I think most women would really appreciate that because if you just engage in conversation with him, she's gonna be like, who the fuck was that?

她为什么不跟我说话？

Why was she not talking to me?

对。

Yes.

你和她在一起过吗？

Have you been with her?

比如，她为什么对我有意见？

Like, why did she have a problem with me?

我想在我脑海深处，我觉得好吧。

And I guess in the back of my head, I think, okay.

如果我处于一段关系中，看到之前睡过的人，出于礼貌我会告诉我的伴侣。是的。

If I were in a relationship and I saw somebody that I had previously slept with, I would tell my my partner out of courtesy Yes.

就像，只是让你知道。

To be like, just so you know.

所以你不会和那个人成为最好的朋友。

So you're not gonna you're not gonna fucking make besties with the person.

这是的。

This is Yeah.

这是我过去认识的一个人。

This is a person of my past.

所以我当时在想，他们之后会讨论我。

And so in my head, I was thinking, they're gonna have a conversation about me later.

我得确保这不会变得尴尬。

I need to make sure that this is not awkward.

她可能会想，'至少她对我很友善和尊重'，如果她不是个威胁的话。

And she's like she can be like, oh, at least she was nice and respectful to me if she's not a threat.

她不是。

She's not.

对。

Yeah.

她不是威胁，也不是来做什么见不得人的事。

She's not a threat or she's not here to do anything shady or anything.

是啊。

Yeah.

所以这挺好的。

So it's just cool.

希望当我们分享这些个人故事时，能帮助你反思并意识到：'哦，我明白自己也有类似行为。'

I hope when we are sharing these personal stories that it helps you reflect and go, oh, I can see where I do that.

也许我不必那样做。

Maybe I don't have to do that.

也许我可以做真实的自己，或者诚实地说，去他妈的。

Maybe I can just be myself or maybe I can be honest and be like, fuck.

我通常在这里情绪高涨，只是今天

I'm normally a high vibe here, I'm just having a

倒霉透了。

shit day.

你知道我实际上会和谁这样相处吗？

You know who I do this with, actually?

那些我觉得性格更内敛的人。

People I find who have more reserved demeanor.

没错。

Yes.

你知道当人们比较内敛时的样子吗？

You know when people are, like, more reserved?

我也是。

Me too.

他们不那么开放吗？

They're not as open?

我也会那样做。

I do that too.

而我觉得，在你我之间，我们仿佛是在彼此敞开心扉的状态下相遇的。

Whereas, like, I feel like with you and I, we were like we met each other in the openness.

是的。

Yes.

就像，嘿。

Like, hey.

然后你也说，嘿。

And you're like, hey.

然后我们就从那里开始慢慢建立了关系。

And I was like and then we just kinda built from there.

是啊。

Yeah.

而相比之下，那些比较安静或内向的人会更封闭自己，他们不会那么...

Whereas, like, somebody who's a little bit more quiet or a little bit more reserved keeps to themselves a little bit more and they're not as, like

你会觉得几乎需要更主动一些，对吧。

You feel like you need to almost take up more Yeah.

为了让他们感到舒适，好像他们不需要这样做。

To make them feel comfortable, like they don't have to.

有点过度补偿了。

Overcompensate a bit.

没错。

Yeah.

几乎感觉我必须更努力一点，才能得到他们的认可。

Almost like I feel like I have to try a little bit harder to, like, get their approval.

是的。

Yes.

你知道吗？

You know?

有几个

There's been a couple of

人，或者只是让他们开口说话。

people Or just get them to talk.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

我会说，哦，不。

I'll be like, oh, no.

我没事。

I'm cool.

是的。

Yes.

我很酷。

I'm cool.

你想做朋友吗？

Do you wanna be friends?

是啊。

Yeah.

这很有趣，不是吗？

It's so interesting, isn't it?

是啊。

Yeah.

这一切的映射。

The reflection of all of this.

我

I

我认为对不同的人肯定会有不同的反应。

think it comes up with different people for sure.

不过确实。

But yeah.

总之，我一直在唠叨这些反复出现的情况。

Anyway, I'm banging on about all the times this has come up.

特别喜欢那些个人故事。

It Love the personal stories.

这很酷。

It's cool.

反思这些确实很酷，因为你知道，我认为你的自信程度会因不同的人而有所变化。

It's cool to reflect on because, you know, I think your level of confidence interchanges with different people.

你对自己的感受以及与他人的相处感受，有时取决于那个人给你带来的安全感。

How you feel in yourself and how you feel with other people is sometimes dependent on how safe that person feels.

没错。

Yes.

因为本质上你就是你自己，但在新人面前你会展现多少真实的自己呢？

Because naturally, you are yourself, but how much of yourself are you with new people?

是啊。

Yeah.

或者那些你不信任或还不知道如何信任的人。

Or people you don't trust or don't yet know how to trust.

嗯。

Mhmm.

所以这真是个有趣的现象。

So it's a really interesting thing.

我甚至看到史蒂夫也这样，因为他相当内敛，绝对是内向型人格。

I even see Steve do it because he's quite reserved and he's definitely introverted.

对。

Yeah.

他不太擅长社交。

He's not super social.

所以当有新人进来时，我会注意到他有点反应过度。

So I'll notice if there's someone new that comes in and he's like, overdoes it.

我当时就想，这对你来说可是消耗了大量精力。

I'm like, that was a big energy for you.

他说，是啊。

He's like, yeah.

我他妈累死了。

I'm fucking drained.

哦。

Oh.

但他觉得如果不这样，别人会认为他冷漠、不友好或不热情。

But he feels like if he doesn't, then people will think he's cold or not friendly or not welcoming.

即使在工作中，我觉得他也会稍微装一下，因为他不想让人觉得自己不喜欢他们或他们做得不好。

And even in a workspace, I think he turns it on a little bit because he doesn't want anyone to feel like he's not enjoying them or they're not doing a great job.

不过确实。

But Yeah.

他的性格天生就更温和、更安静。

His personality is just naturally more gentle and more quiet.

嗯

Mhmm.

所以我注意到了他这一点，我想这也是为什么他不喜欢太多社交活动的原因。

So I noticed that in him, and I think that's why he also doesn't love a lot of social outings.

这对他来说相当耗神。

It's quite draining for him.

感觉他不得不装出

Feels like he has to put it

样子。

on.

他觉得他不得不装出样子。

He feels like he has to put it on.

在我身边时，他知道可以做真实的自己，我们可以静静依偎着，就是美好时光。

Words around me, he knows he can just be his full self, and we can be in complete silence just cuddling, and it's a nice time.

是的。

Yes.

比起必须成为任何人或做任何事，我们只是享受彼此的陪伴。

Than to have to be anyone or do anything, and we're just enjoying each other's company.

是啊。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

这很有趣。

It's interesting.

你和他们越亲近，就越能安全地这样做。

The closer you are with them, the safer you are to do that.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

所以问题是，我们如何获得那种舒适感或自信，让自己能够完全做真实的自己，而不论与对方关系有多亲近？

So it's like, how do we get that energy of feeling comfortable or feeling confident in ourselves enough to be all of who we are regardless of how close we are with that person?

是的。

Yes.

你知道吗？

You know?

如果人们对你有所假设，就随他们去吧。

And if people assume something of you, let them.

是啊。

Yeah.

因为我允许他们理论。

Because I'd let them theory.

如果他们因为你没说某些话或不够热情活泼就认定你是个刻薄的人，那就随他们怎么想。

If they wanna assume that you're a bitch because you didn't say x y z or you weren't super high vibe and bubbly, like, let them think that of you.

管理他们的情绪或对你的看法不是你的责任。

It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions or their thoughts about you.

你希望能遇到愿意了解真实你的人。

You hope you meet people that are open to just get to know the real you.

如果他们不愿意，那他们就不是对的人。

And if they're not, they're not your people.

你也很正确。

And you're so right too.

这关乎控制他人对我们的看法。

It is about controlling the way that people perceive us.

你就是。

You are.

你在操控。

You're manipulating.

是啊。

Yeah.

当我回想试图这样做的时刻，就像，希望这个人喜欢我。

When I think about times I've tried to do that, it's like, want this person to like me.

我不会这样表现，因为我认为这样能让这个人喜欢我。

It's not gonna behave this way because I think that that's what will get this person to like me.

对。

Yeah.

但那并不真实。

But that's not being authentic.

是你在戴着面具。

It's you're wearing a mask.

是的。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

确实如此。

It is.

这就是操控。

It's manipulation.

确实。

It is.

这绝对是操控。

It's manipulation for sure.

伪装成自信的操控。

Manipulation laced as confidence.

毫不夸张地说。

Literally.

而且

And

然后让所有人都这么做。

then have everyone does it.

我们都会这么做。

We all do it.

但我们也不会坐在这里声称自己正在完善这种手段。

But we're also not sitting here saying we're we're perfecting it.

不会。

No.

老实说，我至今仍会对那些让我感到畏惧或极其聪明的人这样做，因为我觉得自己的才智不及他们，担心无法提供有价值的见解。

I literally will tell you I still do it with people I'm intimidated by or very, very smart because I'm feeling like my smartness isn't up to their smartness, and I'm not gonna have anything to contribute.

是啊。

Yeah.

利维对我来说就是个典型例子。

Levi was a huge one for me with that.

没错。

Yeah.

我们共事了十五年，现在亲如兄妹，关系非常非常亲密。

We worked together for fifteen years, and we're like brother and sister now, super, super close.

但我觉得在我们工作关系和友谊的前半段，我们始终无法真正交心，因为我把他捧得太高了

But I felt like for the first half of our working relationship and friendship, we could never really connect because I put him on such a pedestal

嗯。

Yeah.

以至于我会刻意回避和他交谈，因为我觉得自己蠢得要命，总觉得他用看傻子的眼神看我。

That I would avoid conversations with him because I thought I was so fucking dumb, and I thought he was looking at me like you're so fucking dumb.

在我们的工作关系中，他一直是智囊担当。

In our working relationship, he was the brains.