2017年《你应该知道的事》最佳精选第二辑

今天是《你应当知道的事》第二部分，回顾2017年的精彩瞬间，首先从如何变得更富有说起。

Today on something you should know, part two of our look back at the best moments from 2017, starting with how to become more wealthy.

第一，要求加薪。

One, ask for more money.

去跟你的老板谈。

Ask your boss.

你知道，

You know,

去跟你的房东商量，要求降低房租。

go to your landlord and ask for less rent.

有很多方式可以提出请求。

There's all sorts of ways to ask.

接下来是关于如何在正确的时间对正确的人说正确的话。

Then how to make sure you say the right thing at the right time to the right person.

我想请你们的听众现在思考一下：他们知道自己将被问到哪些问题？难道不是应该提前准备好应对方案，以便当这种情况发生时，自己已经做好了准备吗？

What I'd ask your listeners to do right now is what are the questions they know they're going to be asked, and wouldn't it make sense to have something that says, when this happens, I'm ready for it.

还有，理解人际关系的真实运作方式。

Also, understanding how relationships really work.

人们生活得好像配偶让我们沮丧、失望、生气和烦扰是不正常的。

People live like it's not normal that our spouse will upset, disappoint, anger, and annoy us.

但这其实很正常。

And that's just normal.

还有，理解你的狗真正想的是什么。

And understanding what your dog is really thinking.

狗最想知道的是谁在这里说了算。

What a dog wants to know most of all is who's in charge here.

所有这些内容，今天都在《你应当知道》节目，由迈克·卡鲁瑟斯为您呈现。

All this today on something you should with Mike Carruthers.

嗨。

Hi.

欢迎收听，新年快乐。

Welcome, and happy New Year.

这是2017年最精彩时刻与对话的第二集，我们从一个关于如何致富的精彩讨论开始。

This is volume two of two of our best moments and conversations of 2017, and we start with a fascinating discussion on how to become wealthy.

根据商业主理事会执行董事、《来自最伟大自创商业偶像的惊人启示》一书的作者刘易斯·席夫的说法，富人做事的方式与众不同。

Wealthy people do things differently, according to Lewis Schiff, who is the executive director of the Business Owners Council and author of a book called Surprising Lessons from the Greatest Self Made Business Icons.

当你了解富人究竟哪里做得不一样时，你就能找到让自己变得更富有的方法。

And when you understand what it is that wealthy people do differently, you can find ways to become more wealthy yourself.

这段内容来自播客第79期，我与刘易斯的讨论从他如何发现富人与中产阶级之间这一惊人差异开始。

Now this is from episode 79 of the podcast, and I began the discussion with Lewis talking about how he uncovered this fascinating difference between the wealthy and the middle class.

我曾有机会与一位名叫拉uss·普林斯的绅士共事，当时他的条件相当普通，但在我与他共事的十年里，拉uss悄悄地成为了一位亿万富翁的教练。

I had the chance to work with a gentleman named Russ Prince in fairly modest circumstances, but it turned out that, the ten years that I was working with him, Russ was quietly becoming a coach to billionaires.

当我认识拉uss时，他服务的对象是富人以及为富人服务的行业，比如酒店业这类领域。

See, when I met Russ, he was serving wealthy people and he was serving industries that serve the wealthy, like the hospitality industry, these kinds of things.

但随着时间推移，这完全合乎逻辑——亿万富翁和拥有数亿美元的人开始主动联系他，问他：‘你懂些什么是我必须知道的？’

But over time, and this makes all the sense in the world, over time, billionaires and people with hundreds of millions of dollars were reaching out to him and saying, what do you know that I need to know?

因此，在我和他聊天时，我们之间也有私人关系，他告诉我：‘我开始看到财富的秘密了。'

And so as I was chatting with him, and we have a personal relationship too, he was saying to me, I'm starting to see the secrets of wealth.

我开始明白这些极其富有的人所做的事，这并不是什么秘密。

I'm starting to see what these very, very wealthy people do that it's not a it's not a mystery.

这只是他们将各种不同品质结合起来的方式。

It's just the way they put all these different qualities together.

他们看待世界的方式与我们不同，这些方式为他们汇聚在一起，从而创造了财富。

They just see the world differently than we do, and it comes together for them, and it creates wealth.

他告诉我，我觉得我可以为此做一项调查。

And he he he said to me, I think I can survey for this.

我觉得我可以调查不同净资产水平的人，发现他们在日常生活中，实际上在富人和我们所谓的中产阶级之间过着两种截然不同的生活。

I think I can survey different people with different net worths and find out that in their average daily way, they're actually living two different lives between the wealthy and the the what we call the middle class.

商业智慧调查，简单来说，这项调查到底在做什么、问了什么？

And the Business Brilliance survey was basically in a in a real quick nutshell, what was that survey doing and asking?

他当时是基于自己的亲身经历。

So, he was having his anecdotal experience.

我们则将这些经历转化为了电话调查。

What we did is we turned that into a telephone survey.

我们采访了800个家庭。

We spoke to 800 households.

其中400个家庭的净资产低于100万美元，另外400个家庭的净资产高于100万美元，分为不同层级：100万到1000万、1000万到3000万，以及3000万以上。

400 of those households were people with a net worth of less than $1,000,000 and 400 of them had a net worth of greater than $1,000,000 in different groupings, 1 to 10,000,000, 10 to 30,000,000, and 30,000,000 plus.

我们向他们提出了相同的问题，涉及职业发展、风险承担以及如何建立社交关系等方面。

And we asked them the same questions around things like career development and risk taking and how they develop their social contacts.

我们向他们提出了完全相同的问题。

And, we asked them exactly the same questions.

我们还问了他们两者：拥有更多钱重要吗？

We also asked them both, was it important to have more money?

两个群体的普遍回答都是：重要。

And the answer universally across both groups was yes.

然后第二个问题是：你正在采取什么行动来实现这一目标？

Then the second question was what are you doing to go about to achieve this?

当我们逐步分析调查结果时，很明显，我们那些白手起家的富裕人群，所有高净值者都出身于中产阶级家庭。

And as we started to roll through the survey, it just became very apparent that our self made wealthy group, those who had high net worth all started out in middle class households.

我们那些白手起家的富人，他们的做法与普通中产阶级完全不同。

Our self made wealthy group were just doing it differently than the rest of the middle class.

这立刻引出了一个价值百万美元的问题：如果你想成功，为什么不直接效仿成功人士的做法呢？

And then it just it begged a million dollar literally a million dollar question, which is if you wanna be successful, why don't you just do what successful people are doing?

那些出身中产家庭却成为百万富翁和亿万富翁的人，他们是如何获得这种与众不同的行动方式和世界观，从而摆脱了中产阶层，而其他人却原地踏步的呢？

The people who are millionaires and billionaires who started out in middle class homes, where did they get this ability to act and see the world differently that got them out of the middle class that left the others back?

这是一个很难回答的问题，因为本质上，答案是他们看待事物的方式不同，也以不同的方式将事物联系起来。

And that's a tough question because basically the answer is they see things differently and they put things together differently.

你完全可以在这里停下来说。

And you you could stop there.

你可以说，他们就是和我们不一样。

You could say, well, they're just different than we are.

他们看待事物的方式不同。

They see it differently.

他们的行为方式也不同。

They behave differently.

我有机会深入剖析，可以说，剥开这层洋葱后发现，事实是他们感受一切的方式和我们所有人都一样。

I've had a chance to go under the under under the onion, if you will, and discover that the truth is they feel everything the same way that we all feel things.

换句话说，当他们在过程中经历重大的失败或挫折时，也会感到痛苦。

In other words, when they experience a profound failure or setback along the way, it hurts them.

只是他们对痛苦的反应方式不同而已。

It's just that they just have a different response to the pain.

我认为，如果你回顾相关研究，会发现有很多时候我们都在要求人们去做一些超出他们舒适区的事情。

I think if you look throughout the research, there's lots of different moments when we're asking people to do something that would take them out of their comfort zone.

这对人们来说很难。

And that's hard for people.

而对我们那些白手起家的百万富翁来说，他们虽然被推出了舒适区，但他们根本不知道该如何以其他方式行事。

Whereas with our self made millionaires, they are being pulled outside of their comfort zone, but they don't know any other way to behave.

有趣的是，中产阶级的人往往并不想听到这些。

Well, it's interesting that middle class people often somehow don't really wanna hear this.

而且我想，这是因为如果他们真的去实践，就会被迫走出舒适区，所以他们不愿意被拉出去。

That that that and I guess it's because it would pull them out of their comfort zone if they were to actually do it, they don't wanna get pulled.

你知道吗，我有机会与成千上万的人谈论过这个话题，我有一些非常简单的建议。

You know, we've had a chance to, I've had a chance to speak to thousands of people about this, and I've got some pretty simple advice.

这里面有整整一本书的信息和洞见，但其实你只要做两件非常简单的事，就能变得更成功。

It there's a there's a whole book's worth of information and insight, but there's two really simple things you can do to become more successful.

第一，多要钱。

One, ask for more money.

去跟你的老板提。

Ask your boss.

去跟你的房东谈，要求降低房租。

You know, go to your landlord and ask for less rent.

有各种各样的方式可以开口要求。

There's all sorts of ways to ask.

数据显示，人们普遍对开口要求感到不舒服。

And we see consistently in the data that people are uncomfortable asking.

我会告诉你所有真正好的理由，为什么会出现这种情况。

And I'll tell you all the really good reasons why.

他们不想丢掉工作。

They don't want to lose their job.

他们不想显得贪婪，不管是什么原因。

They don't want to appear greedy, whatever it might be.

但当我们调查另一方时，比如人力资源部门或房东，我们会发现，对方其实期待着你会提出要求。

But when we survey the other side, let's say it's the HR department or it's the landlord, we see that there's an expectation that they're going to ask.

因此，如果你被期待提出更多要求，那就为此做好准备。

And so if you're expected to be asked for more, then you prepare for it.

如果对方不提出要求，钱就真的留在了桌上没人拿。

If the other party doesn't ask, the money is literally left on the table.

这是一个非常简单的建议，任何人都可以做到，但需要付出一些努力。

That that's pretty simple advice that anyone can do, but it's going to take some effort.

等等，在你继续讲第二个建议之前，先说一下统计数据：中产阶级中愿意要求加薪的人，与期待他们提出加薪的雇主之间的比例。

Wait, before you go on, before you go on to the second one, give the statistic, the two statistics of who middle class people who are willing to ask for more money versus employers who are expecting it.

在我们书中提到的一项调查中，一位名叫琳达·巴伯克的教授发现，想想这一点。

So in one survey that we addressed in the book, by a professor named Linda Babcock, she discovered and think about this.

这项调查的对象是卡内基梅隆大学的研究生。

This survey was of Carnegie Mellon graduate students.

这些人都是受过教育、即将步入职场的人。

These are educated people on their way to being part of the professional world.

在接受调查的人中，只有25%的人在获得工作offer时向潜在雇主要求了更高的薪资。

And only 25% of the people surveyed were, asked their first potential employer for more money when they were offered a job.

再次强调，他们不敢开口的原因有很多，但只有25%，也就是四分之一的人提出了要求。

Again, long litany of reasons why they were afraid to ask, but only 25%, only one out of four asked.

而如果你看看桌子的另一边——招聘经理和决策者，有九成的人告诉我们，他们准备好了提供比最初报价更高的薪资。

And if you look at, on the other side of the table, the hiring managers, the decision makers, nine out of 10 of them tell us that they're prepared to offer more money than the first offer.

所以，有九成的人愿意提供，却有四分之三的人不愿意开口要求。

So that's nine out of 10 willing to offer and three out of four unwilling to ask.

但除非你开口，否则他们不会主动提供。

But they're not gonna offer it unless you ask.

除非你提出要求，否则他们根本无法提供。

They can't offer it unless you ask.

我的意思是，这等于把他们没被要求给的钱白白送出去。

I mean, that would be to give money away that they weren't asked to give away.

所以，刘易斯，谈谈这个双赢谈判的理念吧，成功的人、有钱人、优秀的谈判者其实并不太在意双赢和对方的利益。

So, Lewis, talk about this idea of win win negotiation and that successful people, wealthy people, good negotiators don't really concern themselves with win win and the other guy.

他们只为自己着想，而和他们谈判的人也得为自己争取利益。

They look out for themselves and the people they're negotiating with need to look out for themselves.

那种认为我们所有人都要让这笔交易对每个人来说都完美的想法，根本行不通。

And this idea that we're all gonna make this deal work for everybody perfectly is it just doesn't work.

嗯，我们看到，比如在商学院里，他们会教你们双赢谈判。

Well, we see you know, the best the best example of this is you see in business school, they'll teach you win win negotiations.

他们会教你们一种谈判方法，强调在自己和对方之间寻找折中点。

They'll teach you a negotiation method that has to do with finding middle ground between yourself and the counterparty.

但他们也会在另一个课堂、另一个系里教你们所谓的供应链优化，这说白了就是把和你谈判的人压到一点油水都没有为止。

But they'll also teach you in another classroom, in another department, something called supply chain optimization, which is a fancy way of saying ground down the person you're negotiating with until you know that there's nothing left to give.

但在商学院里，他们从不把这些内容统一起来。

Now they never reconcile this stuff in a business school.

他们只是给你传递了这两条完全矛盾的信息。

They just send you out with these two completely conflicting messages.

其中被广泛接受且流行的是所谓的‘双赢’，即你能够与每一个对方找到折中点。

The one that gets picked up a lot and is popular is the one called win win, the idea that you can find this middle ground with every other counterparty.

几乎所有有真正谈判背景的人都说，双赢是可能的，但前提是如果你的最低需求得不到满足，你愿意终止谈判。

Almost everyone who has a real background in negotiation says, win win is a possibility, but only if you're willing to cut it off if your minimum needs are not being met.

当我们调查这两组人群——中产阶级和白手起家的富人时，发现中产阶级在交易不理想时更不愿意退出。

And what we see when we survey these two groups, the middle class and the self made wealthy, are that the middle class are much less willing to walk away from a deal if it doesn't sound good.

他们觉得已经投入了时间。

They feel like they've put the time in.

他们觉得会丢脸。

They feel like they'll be embarrassed.

也许他们浪费了对方的时间，于是就坚持留在糟糕的交易里。

Maybe they've wasted the other guy's time and they stay with bad deals.

而白手起家的富人则准备好随时退出，即使他们想要它，即使他们需要它，即使他们很喜欢它，也会选择离开。

Whereas the self made wealthy are prepared to walk away even if they want it, even if they need it, even if they love it, they'll walk away.

你知道吗，你这本书了不起的地方在于，它实际上印证了我们一直怀疑但始终不愿承认的事情。

You know, what's what's also great about your book is that it kind of like reinforces kind of what we suspected, but we just didn't want to ever admit to.

但当你去谈判时，比如买辆车，或者做任何其他事，难道不会希望我们都能坦诚相见、把底牌都亮出来吗？

But when you go to a negotiation, like you're going to buy a car, whatever you're going to do, wouldn't it be nice if we could just all agree to just put our cards on the table?

但正如你在书中所解释的，人类的思维并不是这样运作的。

But that's not kind of how the human mind works, as you explain in the book.

我们默认谈判就该是这样的，试图绕过谈判过程，结果总是会失败。

We kind of expect this negotiation, and to try to do that, to try to short circuit the negotiation will fail you all the time.

是的。

Right.

而另一方面，当你谈判成功，实际拿到的比预期还多时，你反而会感到不舒服。

And on the other side of that, when you do negotiate well and you actually do get more than you thought you'd get, you actually feel bad.

在击败对方后，人们通常会产生一种普遍的心理反应——内疚感。

There's a pretty common psychological reaction to beating the other side, if you will, that leaves you feeling guilty.

因此，一旦有经验的谈判者意识到，你心理上从被击败中获得的满足感，反而超过你击败对方时的快感，他们就能利用这一点来操纵你、占你的便宜。

And so once an experienced negotiator knows that you actually have more psychological reward from being beaten in a negotiation than you do in doing the beating, that's clearly a way for them to manipulate you and take advantage of you.

现在谈谈关于社交网络以及人们人脉网络的概念，中产阶级和富裕人群在看待这一过程以及他们网络中的人选上有什么不同。

Now talk a bit about this idea of of networking and people's networks and the difference between how middle class and wealthy people view that whole process and who's in their network.

对。

Right.

这是我认为任何人都可以做到的第二点，尤其是当年轻人问我如何更进一步接近成功时，我特别喜欢提到这一点。

So this is the second piece of information that I think anybody can do, and I love it when, young people in particular ask me what they can do to get one step closer to success.

这是一个简单却深刻的想法：多花时间与比你更成功的人在一起。

And this is a simple idea but profound, which is spend more time with people who are more successful than you are.

那这意味着什么？

So what does that mean?

这就像是你玩任何一项运动一样，比如网球这种一对一的运动。

It just means that it's I always kind of liken it to any sport you might play, something where it's one on one, like tennis or something.

你会想和比你稍强一点的人打，这样你的水平才能提升。

You're gonna wanna play with someone who's a little better than you so that your game is raised.

但问题在于，这又涉及到把你带出舒适区。

The problem is, again, we this has to do with taking you out of your comfort zone.

人们不喜欢成为房间里最不成功的人。

People don't like to be the least successful person in the room.

我们反复调查过：你更愿意成为公司里薪水最高的人，还是愿意拿更多的钱但成为公司里薪水最低的人？

Over and over again, when we survey, would you rather be the highest paid person in your company or would you rather be paid even more money but be the lowest paid person in your company?

人们总是选择处于等级制度的顶端。

People always choose to be at the top of the pecking order.

这正是我们需要解决的问题。

And this is what we need to address.

如果你想与那些能帮助你提升水平的人为伍，你就得接受自己在食物链中的从属地位，并意识到这实际上是一个巨大的优势。

If you wanna be around people who will help you raise your game, you're going to have to accept your subordinate position in the food chain and realize that that's actually a big advantage.

所以走出去，告别你旧有的朋友。

So go out there, get rid of your old friends.

我不是说要彻底断绝关系，而是要花更多时间与更成功的人交往。

I don't mean get rid of them, but spend more time with people who are more successful.

在你的办公室里找一个可能成为你导师的人。

Find somebody in your office who can be a potential mentor.

找到你所在行业中愿意与你分享想法和建议的人，接受他们有东西可以教给你，这就是你与他们共度时光的幸运之处。

Find people in your industry that have ideas and advice that they wanna share with you, and accept that they have something to teach you, and that's why you're lucky to be spending time with them.

如果你这样做，你就会开始模仿他们的成功。

If you do that, you will start to emulate their success.

这是一种非常自然的特质。

It's a very natural quality.

如果你重视成功和财富，你一定想听我与刘易斯·施菲的整场访谈。

If success and wealth are important to you, you'll wanna hear the whole interview that I did with Lewis Schiff.

它在第79期。

It's in episode 79.

你可以在我们的网站somethingyoushouldknow.net，或者你收听播客的任何平台找到它，但在网站上很容易搜索到。

You can find that on our website, something you should know.net or wherever you listen to podcasts, but it's easily searchable on the website.

你只需点击搜索图标，输入他的名字Schiff，拼写是s-c-h-i-f-f，那个节目就会出现。

You just go to the little search icon and just type in his name Schiff, s c h I f f, and that episode will pop up.

摄政时代。

The Regency era.

你可能知道这是《布里奇顿》故事发生的年代，或者简·奥斯汀创作小说的时期。

You might know it as the time when Bridgerton takes place, or as the time when Jane Austen wrote her books.

摄政时期也是社会变革、性丑闻频发，或许还是英国历史上最糟糕国王的年代。

The Regency era was also an explosive time of social change, sex scandals, and maybe the worst king in British history.

《粗俗历史》的新一季全面聚焦摄政时期——舞会、礼服与所有丑闻。

Vulgar history's new season is all about the Regency era, the balls, the gowns, and all the scandal.

在你收听播客的任何平台收听《粗俗历史》摄政时期系列。

Listen to Vulgar History Regency era wherever you get podcasts.

如果你热爱Bravo的戏剧、流行文化的混乱和坦率的见解，那你一定想把《All About TRH》播客加入你的订阅列表。

If Bravo drama, pop culture chaos, and honest takes are your love language, you'll want All About TRH podcast in your feed.

由Roxanne和Chantel主持，这档节目深入剖析《真实主妇》真人秀以及每个人在群聊中争论的那些时刻。

Hosted by Roxanne and Chantel, this show breaks down Real Housewives reality TV and the moments everyone's group chat is arguing about.

Roxanne自2010年起就开始爆料Bravo的八卦。

Roxanne's been spilling Bravo tea since 2010.

是的，我们曾经采访过主妇界的皇室人物，比如Luann伯爵夫人和特蕾莎·吉杜斯。

And yes, we've interviewed housewives royalty like Countess Luann and Teresa Giudice.

精辟的回顾，内幕的氛围，毫无废话。

Smart recaps, insider energy, and zero fluff.

在苹果播客、Spotify 或您收听播客的任何平台收听《All About TRH》。

Listen to all about TRH podcasts on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen.

每周更新新集。

New episodes weekly.

2017年最受欢迎的另一集来自八月。

Another of the most listened to episodes of twenty seventeen was from August.

那是第100集，我讨论了如何开口才能得到你想要的东西。

It was episode 100 in which I discussed what to say to get what you want.

我的嘉宾是菲尔·琼斯，他写了一本名为《该说什么》的书。

Phil Jones was my guest, and he's the author of a book called exactly what to say.

核心理念是，你可能经历过这样的对话：事后回想时，你会想，天啊，我真希望当时说了那句话。

And the idea here is that you've been in conversations where later you've looked back at that conversation, and you've said, geez, I wish I had said this.

我真希望当时说了那句。

I wish I'd said that.

所以核心理念是，为什么不提前准备好所有你希望在对话中说过的话，以便随时可用呢？

So the idea is why not get all those things that you wished you'd said in a conversation and get them ready in advance so you have them to say.

菲尔向我解释了他是如何想到这个方法的。

And Phil explained to me how he came up with the idea of doing this.

当我深入研究，并回顾了我参与过的所有对话，以及我培训过的两百多万人，我发现那些取得卓越成果的人与表现平平的人之间唯一的共同点在于：真正懂行的人，都知道该说什么、何时说，以及如何让话语产生实效。

And when I studied it and looked at all the conversations that I've been a part of plus the 2,000,000 plus people that I've trained, the one commonality between those that would get great results and those that would do so so is the people who really got it were the ones who knew exactly what to say, when to say, and how to make it count.

他们让每一个字都精准地带来预期的结果。

They made every single one of their words deliver in the right kind of results.

这不仅仅是态度好、产品知识丰富或技能过硬那么简单。

And it was more than just a great attitude and great product knowledge and great skill sets.

后来我进一步研究，发现这种现象在生活的其他领域也同样存在。

And then I study it further and you see it appear in all other areas of life.

你知道那个追到女孩的男生、那个拿到工作的女生，无论在什么情境下，他们都能通过语言精准表达，从而获得更多想要的东西。

You know the guy that gets the girl, the girl that gets the job, wherever it might be is having the ability to articulate through words to get more of the things that we want.

这让我开始寻找那些绝对有效的触发点，究竟是哪些精确的措辞让这些人取得了这些成果，以及我该如何更多地运用它们？

And it started to make me look for what were the absolute triggers, what were the precise exact words that people were saying that were getting them these outcomes, and how could I do more of it?

当我越来越多地实践这一点时，我发现自己取得了更多成功，分享给他人后，也看到他们取得了成功，于是我意识到这背后一定有道理。

And then the more I put it into practice, the more I'd see success for myself, the more I'd share it with others, the more I'd see success through them and figured there must be something to this.

所以这仅仅是靠试错吗？

So was it just trial and error?

我会这次试试这个方法，看看是不是比上次试过的更好？

Well, I'll try this this time and see if that works better than the thing I tried last time?

这更像是逆向工程。

It's more reverse engineering.

由于我曾为全球众多团队在各种不同领域进行培训，你会开始关注那些成功的人。

So having trained lots of teams around the world for a variety of different ways, you'd start to look at successful people.

迈克，我听了你的播客一段时间了。

I've listened to your podcast for some time, Mike.

其中一个反复出现的主题是：成功会留下线索。

And one of the things that is a recurring theme is that success leaves clues.

在这里，同样的道理也完全成立。

And the exact same thing is true here.

你会开始思考，为什么当这些人拥有相同的产品、相同的服务、相同的技能组合、相同的受众群体时，却有人取得了明显更好的结果？归根结底，问题出在语言上。

You'd start to look at why is that person achieving better results when they have the same products, the same service, the same skill set, the same demographic, and one is getting demonstrably different results, it would come down to the words.

我想有些人认为，或者说一些人喜欢相信，他们能随机应变，在特定情境下知道该说什么。

I guess people think or some people think that, you know, they like to believe they can think on their feet, that that in a situation, they'll know what to say at the right time.

事实上，人们认为真正优秀的销售员的考验，就在于能在当下即兴发挥。

And that in fact, that that's really the test of a great salesperson is to be able to to think on their feet in the moment.

这是一个很有趣的观点，因为在你说话的那一刻，才是最不该去思考该说什么的时候。

And and that's a fascinating point because the worst time to think about the thing you're gonna say is in the moment when you're saying it.

但即便如此，我们还是把一切都寄托在那一刻。

Yet still, we leave it very much to that point.

在我们的日常生活中，任何从事某种工作的人，都会重复进行类似的练习。

In our daily lives, anybody who's in any kind of job will be doing repetitive exercises.

你甚至可能有重复使用的文档。

You may even have repetitive documents.

我敢肯定，即使是你在为你的节目安排采访嘉宾时，也是在问一些相似的问题，或者至少，确认时间的流程也差不多是相同的。

I'm pretty sure that even setting up interview guests towards what you do with your showbike is that you are asking people similar sets of questions or that the process to be able to get them to a point of being able to confirm a time is somewhere like the same.

然而，如果我们能将日常对话提炼出来，它们本可以是相似的。

Yet our conversations we have in daily basis could be somewhere like the same if we could only distill them as such.

我认为很多人会思考他们被问到的问题。

And I think many people could think about, say, the questions they're asked.

每个人都会被问到的一个常见问题是：你是做什么的？

Common question that everybody's asked is, so what do you do?

你知道的，你迟早会被问到这个问题。

You know, you're going to be asked it.

难道不应该提前准备好一个回答吗？

Wouldn't it make sense to have an answer?

我与大量听力保健机构开展业务。

I do business with a giant number of hearing care practices.

全球每一家诊所都会经常遇到的一个问题是：助听器多少钱？

A common question that comes into every practice around the world is how much are hearing aids?

但仍然很少有诊所准备好了预先设定好的回答。

Yet still very few clinics have a pre programmed answer.

我现在要请你们的听众思考一下，他们知道自己将来需要谈论哪些事情？

What I'd ask your listeners to do right now is what are the things they know they're going to need to talk about?

他们知道自己将会被问到哪些问题？

What are the questions they know they're going to be asked?

难道不应该准备一段话，以便在这种情况发生时，自己能从容应对吗？

And wouldn't it make sense to have something that says, when this happens, I'm ready for it?

好的。

Okay.

让我们深入一些具体的例子吧，我会让你主导这部分，挑选一些最能引起人们共鸣的例子，让大家初步了解你所说的这些内容。

Let's let's dive in with some specific examples, and I'll let you take the lead on this as to some of the ones that that resonate with people the best to give give people a taste of what you're talking about here.

让我们从书里挑几个有趣的例子吧。

Well, let's lift a couple of fun ones from the book.

我认为我最喜爱的一组表达，可能是对我的生活和社会交往、商业场合影响最大的，尤其在帮助那些陷入犹豫不决的人时。

And I think one of my favorite sets of words is probably the one that's had the biggest impact on my life in social circumstances and business circumstances of getting people who are stuck in indecision.

当一个人陷入犹豫不决时，他们并不喜欢别人直接告诉他们该怎么做。

So when somebody's stuck in indecision, they don't like to be told what to do.

人们不喜欢被告诉该做什么，但他们确实很需要。

People don't like to be told what to do, but they kinda really do.

与此相关的另一个想法是，人们有点像绵羊。

Coupled with that same thought though is people are a little bit like sheep.

我们从这样的事实中获得安全感和信心：和我们类似的人过去曾有过某些经历。

We take safety and confidence in the fact that people like us have enjoyed certain experiences in the past.

这就是为什么在今天的决策中，评论和评分如此重要——因为我们从他人过去有过良好体验这一事实中获得信心。

This is why reviews and ratings are so paramount in decision making today is that we get confidence from the fact that other people have experienced good things in the past.

将这两点心理学原理结合起来，你就可以通过仅仅使用两个神奇的词语来影响所有这些力量。

Take those two pieces of psychology together, and what you can then do is influence all of that power by just utilizing two magic words.

你看，如果我想告诉某人该做什么，尤其是我不太熟悉的人，我会用‘大多数人’这样的说法。

See, if I wanted to tell somebody what to do, particularly somebody who I didn't know so well, then what I would do is I'd just talk in terms of most people.

我会说：你看，在你这种情况下，大多数人会这么做，这么做，还有这么做。

I'd say, look, what most people would do in your circumstances is this, this, and this.

那一刻，内心潜意识的声音会想：我就是大多数人。

The little subconscious voice hears at that moment in time, well, I'm most people.

所以，如果大多数人都应该这么做，那很可能这条路径对我而言也是一个安全可靠的选择。

So if that's what most people should do, then chances are then that might be a good safe path for me to travel on to.

这带来了集体责任感。

It brings collective responsibility towards it.

完美。

Perfect.

再来一个。

So another one.

我要问你一个问题：假设你在一个有一千人的研讨会大厅里，我问在场的一千人中，有多少人是开放-minded的，你觉得会有多少人举手？

Question I'm gonna ask of you is if, say, you were in a seminar hall with a thousand people in it, and I was to ask the question to a thousand people who in this room would be open minded, how many hands do you think would shoot up?

所有人都会。

Everybody.

差不多是所有人吧。

Somewhere like everybody.

所以，让我们在对话中提前运用这个基本假设来达成集体共识。

So let's use that other base level assumption in conversation to get collective agreement ahead of time.

你看，如果我对某人说，你有多开放去接受？

See, if I was to say to somebody, how open minded would you be to?

然后把我的想法附在后面，对方除了反向提出另一个想法之外，还能说什么呢？

And then insert my idea behind that, what is the only thing you can say back in the other idea other direction?

好的。

Okay.

对。

Right.

拒绝已经不再是选择，而且人们非常害怕说‘不’。

No is not a choice anymore, and people are so fearful of no.

如果你提出想法时，让‘不’不再是选择，至少你还有机会去探索它。

If you present your ideas where no is no longer a choice, at least you get the chance to explore it.

我们有时间去探讨‘也许’，而这让我们能够将‘也许’转化为‘是’。

We get time to we get time to spend in maybe, which then allows us to be able to influence maybes to yeses.

所以，问人们他们有多开放，几乎提供了一种无需被拒绝的方式来向他人介绍你的想法，因为对方要拒绝，就等于承认自己封闭，这就像承认自己是傻瓜。

So by asking people how open minded they would be gives you almost a rejection free way of being able to introduce your idea to somebody without them saying no because the only way they can say no is by admitting to be closed minded, which is like admitting to be an idiot.

还有一个。

And another one.

那有没有一种无需拒绝的方式，可以向任何人介绍任何东西呢？

How about a rejection free way of introducing just about anything to just about anybody?

这其实很有趣，因为当我们提出一个想法时，我们最害怕的就是对方说‘不’。

And this is a fun thing because, again, what we are fearful of when we introduce an idea is the other person saying no.

我经常从销售人员那里听到这种说法。

I hear this from salespeople all the time.

我们太害怕被拒绝了。

We're so scared of a no.

所以我在想，如果我们能让这种方式避免被拒绝，会怎么样？我们可以通过在某人旁边、而非直接正面提出想法来实现这一点。

So I wonder what we could do if we could make it rejection free, and we do this by introducing an idea to the left or the right of somebody.

你看，如果我现在对你说：我不确定这个是否适合你。

See, if I said to some said to you right now, look, I'm not sure if it's for you.

这时，你脑海中会闪过好几种想法。

Well, a few things go through through your mind.

首先，你脑海中浮现的想法是：让我来判断一下吧。

Firstly, the thought that goes through your mind is, well, let me be the judge of that.

其次，你心里会想：这到底是什么呢？

The second thing that goes through your mind is I wonder what it is.

它激发了你内心的好奇心。

It fires up curiosity within your human emotion.

它让你不由自主地向前倾身。

It makes you lean in.

现在，如果我在这一组词的基础上再加上一个三个字母的词，就能改变潜意识所听到的内容。

Now if I build on that set of words and add another three letter word, I can change what the subconscious hears.

如果我加上‘但是’这个词，我们来想想‘但是’对几乎所有其他情境的影响。

If I add the word but, let's consider what the word but does to just about every other set of circumstances.

假设你某时收到了雇主的反馈，对方说：我喜欢你做的工作，你非常有活力且富有魅力，大多数客户都喜欢你，但你唯一会留意的，就是‘但是’后面的内容。

If you were, say receiving some feedback from your employer at some point you said look I love what you do you're really energetic and charismatic and most of the customers like you but the only thing you then listen to is the thing that follows the but.

让我们把这一点带入这场对话中，要知道‘但是’几乎会否定它前面所说的一切。

Let's bring that towards this conversation knowing that but pretty much negates what was said prior to it.

我可以通过说‘我不确定这是否适合你，但’，向任何人几乎毫无排斥地引入任何东西。

I can introduce just about anything to just about anybody completely rejection free by saying, I'm not sure if it's for you, but.

我们现在拥有的能力是，让他们在脑海中想象：你或许该看看这个。

What we've now got is the ability for them to hear in their mind's eye, you might wanna look at this.

这是第70集中的菲尔·琼斯。

That is Phil Jones from episode 70.

菲尔是《Exactly What To Say》一书的作者。

Phil is the author of the book, Exactly What To Say.

如果你想收听完整的访谈，可以在我们的网站somethingyoushouldknow.net上找到。

If you'd like to hear the complete interview, you'll find it on our website, somethingyoushouldknow.net.

只需搜索菲尔·琼斯即可。

Just search for Phil Jones.

当他们年轻时，一支被称为石狼的精英突击队曾反抗克雷特罗坎帝国的压迫统治，该帝国占领并主宰了银河系大多数宜居星球。

When they were young, the five members of an elite commando group nicknamed the stone wolves raged against the oppressive rule of the Crateroccan Empire, which occupies and dominates most of the galaxy's inhabited planets.

狼群为自由而战，但最终失败，留下了无数尸体。

The wolves fought for freedom, but they failed, leaving countless corpses in their wake.

战败且心灰意冷，他们放下了武器，各自分散，都希望在这充满暴力与压迫的宇宙中找到一丝宁静。

Defeated and disillusioned, they hung up their guns and went their separate ways, all hoping to find some small bit of peace amidst a universe thick with violence and oppression.

在他们巅峰四十年后，每个人都努力求生，勉强维持生计，但一位旧友不肯让他们放下过去，而他们最深的敌人也同样不肯。

Four decades after their heyday, they each try to stay alive and eke out a living, but a friend from the past won't let them move on, and neither will their bitterest enemy.

《石狼》是作家斯科特·西格勒创作的银河足球联盟科幻系列的第十一季。

The stone wolves is season 11 of the Galactic Football Football League science fiction series by author Scott Sigler.

你可以将它当作独立故事欣赏，也可以从第一季《新兵》开始，完整收听整个银河足球联盟系列。

Enjoy it as a stand alone story or listen to the entire GFL series beginning with season one, the rookie.

在你收听播客的任何平台搜索斯科特·西格勒，拼写为 S I G L E R。

Search for Scott Sigler, s I g l e r, wherever you get your podcasts.

嘿。

Hey.

我是《最长最短的时间》的希拉里·弗兰克，这是一档获奖播客，主题是育儿与生殖健康。

It's Hillary Frank from The Longest Shortest Time, an award winning podcast about parenthood and reproductive health.

我们会讨论性教育、避孕、怀孕、身体自主权，当然还有各个年龄段的孩子。

We talk about things like sex ed, birth control, pregnancy, bodily autonomy, and, of course, kids of all ages.

但你并不需要成为父母才能收听。

But you don't have to be a parent to listen.

如果你喜欢关于人际关系的出人意料、幽默又感人的故事，还有，你知道的，月经，那《最长的最短时间》就是为你准备的。

If you like surprising, funny, poignant stories about human relationships and, you know, periods, the longest shortest time is for you.

你可以在任何播客应用中找到我们，或者访问 longestshortesttime.com。

Find us in any podcast app or at longestshortesttime.com.

正如你所知，有很多关系专家，以及大量声称能帮助你改善关系的研讨会和书籍。

As you know, there are a lot of relationship experts and a lot of seminars and books that supposedly help you improve your relationship.

我不清楚你怎么样，但我喜欢把事情简单化。

Now I don't know about you, but I like keeping things simple.

在过去这一年里，最出色、最简单的恋爱建议来自阿里尔·福特在第112期节目中的分享。

And this past year, some of the best simplest relationship advice came from Ariel Ford in episode 112.

阿里尔长期从事伴侣咨询工作，她还著有一本名为《灵魂伴侣的秘密》的书。

Ariel has been working with couples for a long time, and she's author of a book called The Soulmate Secret.

她首先探讨了为什么那么多关系最初会变糟。

And she starts by talking about why so many relationships go bad in the first place.

你知道吗，我认为关系出问题的最大的原因有两个。

You know, I think the biggest thing that goes wrong is two things.

第一，人们并不真正理解爱是什么，而且他们也没有相应的技能。

One, people don't really understand what love is, and they just don't have the skills.

我们上学时没人教过我们如何充满爱意、善良、慷慨，如何清晰地表达需求，如何原谅和放下，以及什么是关系中的常态，因为人们总以为伴侣让我们烦恼、失望、生气、困扰是不正常的。

You know, we weren't taught in school how to be loving and kind and generous and communicate our needs clearly and to forgive and forget and understand what's normal in a relationship because people live like it's not normal that our spouse will upset, disappoint, anger, and annoy us.

但其实这很正常。

And that's just normal.

不正常的是，我们总是从负面情绪出发，或者动不动就威胁要离开。

What isn't normal is when we're always responding from a place of negativity or threatening to leave.

所以这就是简短的回答。

So that's the short answer.

但我认为，大多数人至少在他们的幻想中觉得，只要找对了人，就不会有烦恼，爱能战胜一切，如果我们真的相爱，就该永远和睦相处。

But I I think most people think at least in their fantasy dreams that, you know, with the right person, there will be no irritation that love trumps all that, that that if we really love each other, we'll get along all the time.

没错。

Right.

但通常发生的情况是，我们娶了或嫁给了一个拥有许多与我们相反特质的人，而我们却认为这些是错误的。

But what usually happens is we marry somebody who has a lot of opposite traits that we make wrong.

例如，大多数夫妻中，一个花钱大方，一个则节俭储蓄。

For instance, most couples there's a spender and a saver.

一个是守时的人，另一个总是迟到。

There's the on time person and the always late person.

一个是邋遢的人，另一个是追求完美的完美主义者。

There's the slob and the perfectionist neat neck.

这些情况听起来熟悉吗？

Any of this sound familiar?

这类情况多得数不胜数。

There's tons of these things.

我们都希望对方能像我们一样。

And we want the other person to be like us.

但这其实很不公平，因为我们每个人都是独特而不同的，而且没有人是完美的。

But that's really unfair because we're all very different unique people and none of us is perfect.

所以我们必须学会如何与配偶一起享受乐趣，为他们的行为编造有趣的故事，以免被逼疯。

So we have to learn how to have fun with our spouses and how to make up fun stories about their behavior so that they don't drive us crazy.

所以你能给我一些例子吗？当你遇到牙膏问题时，你是怎么让事情变得有趣的？

So give me some examples of how you make this fun when you know you've got the toothpaste problem and all

让我们来聊聊牙膏吧。

the Let's other talk about toothpaste.

这是我刚结婚时的一个大问题。

That was one of the big issues when I first got married.

每次我走进浴室，都会看到我的牙膏管，以前它总是整整齐齐的，因为我从底部挤，慢慢卷上去。

Every time I'd walk into the bathroom, I'd see my tube of toothpaste which previously had been perfect because I had squeezed it from the bottom and I slowly rolled it up.

但现在它突然被从中间压得乱七八糟，因为我丈夫用过了。

And now suddenly it was mangled from the middle because my husband had been in there.

无论我试过多少次告诉他：嘿，听着，这样挤牙膏是不对的。

And no matter how many times I tried to tell him, hey, listen, that is not the right way to get toothpaste out of a tube.

让我教你正确的做法。

Let me show you how to do it.

他会用看疯子一样的眼神看着我，然后走开。

He would look at me like I was totally insane and walk away.

经过几个月甚至更长时间的这种情况后，我心想：一定得想个办法，因为我可不想每次看到被弄乱的牙膏管时都充满负面情绪。

And after months and months of this, I thought to myself, there's just got to be a solution here because I don't want to have all these negative thoughts every time I see the mangled tube of toothpaste.

于是我跟我的牙膏管进行了一次对话。

So I had a conversation with my tube of toothpaste.

我把牙膏管放在手心，对它说：你有什么好的地方？

I put it in the palm of my hand and I said to it, what's good about you?

我一遍又一遍地问。

And I kept asking over and over.

最后，它仿佛在我耳边低语，对我说：要感恩你嫁给了一个会刷牙的男人。

And finally, it sort of whispered in my ear and it said to me, be grateful you married a man who brushes his teeth.

我意识到，这话说得对。

And I saw that that was right.

所以现在，每当我看到被弄乱的牙膏管，我都会微笑、大笑，并感谢上帝，让我能与一个或许还留着几颗牙齿的人共度余生。

And so now every time I see the mangled tube of toothpaste I smile and I laugh and I thank God that I'm going to grow old with somebody who may still have some teeth left in his mouth.

但公平地说，让你不爽的不只是他挤牙膏的方式。

But it and just to be fair, it's not just that the toothpaste, way he does the toothpaste bothers you.

我猜你的一些行为也让他感到困扰。

I suspect there are things you do that bother him.

当然。

Absolutely.

他对我最大的不满之一就是我是家里那个邋遢、马虎的人，而他则是个整洁有条理的人。

So one of the big issues he had with me is I'm the messy, sloppy one in the family and he's the neat neck.

你知道，他走进厨房时，我的咖啡杯还放在水槽里。

You know, he'd go into the kitchen and my coffee cup would be in the sink.

他会跟我说：‘你为什么不直接把它放进洗碗机呢？’

And he'd say to me, why don't you just put it in the dishwasher?

它就在这儿啊。

It's right here.

我会说：‘这有什么关系呢？’

And I'd say, what does it matter?

最终，它还是会进洗碗机的。

Eventually, it will get to the dishwasher.

然后他会跟我说，你为什么总是在烤面包机周围留下碎屑？

And then he'd say to me, why do you always leave crumbs around the toaster?

我会看着他，问：什么碎屑？

I'd look at him like, what crumbs?

你知道，我真的看不到什么碎屑。

You know, I just I don't see crumbs.

于是这种情况一遍又一遍地持续发生。

And so this was going on and on over and over.

然后有一天，他走进厨房，对我说：你知道吗？我半夜起来喝水，看到你的咖啡杯还在水槽里，还有烤面包机周围的那些碎屑。

And then finally, one day, he walked into the kitchen and he said to me, he said, you know, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and I saw your coffee cup in the sink and I saw those crumbs around the toaster.

我决定，既然这是我的问题，那我就一辈子负责给你收拾残局。

And I decided that since I'm the one who has a problem with it, I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to cleaning up after you.

这简直就是为这个迅速升级的问题找到的完美终极解决方案。

And that was like the perfect ultimate solution to what was quickly becoming a problem.

他要一辈子为你收拾残局？

He's going to dedicate his life to cleaning up after you?

是的。

Yes.

对。

Yes.

当然，还有其他一些事情，他总是做，让我抓狂，所以我决定我自己来做了。

And then there are other things, of course, that he does that I'm always, like, going crazy over that I've decided I would do.

比如，他从来不会把冰箱门完全关上。

For instance, he never seems to close the refrigerator door all the way.

门总是微微开着。

It's always slightly ajar.

无论我提醒他多少次，都毫无改变。

And no matter how many times I would point this out, nothing ever changed.

所以我决定再也不提了，每次我走进厨房，都知道要顺手把冰箱门关上。

So I've just decided never to mention it again, just that every time I walk in the kitchen, I know to close the refrigerator door.

因为一遍又一遍地提这件事会带来什么结果？

Because mentioning it again and again and again would result in what?

什么都不会发生。

Nothing.

只会带来挫败感，你知道的，产生负面想法。

Just frustration, you know, having negative thoughts.

你知道吗，迈克，每当我们产生愤怒、有毒、负面或评判性的想法时，我们的免疫系统都会被抑制长达八小时。

Did you know, Mike, that every time we have an angry, toxic, or negative, or judgmental thought, we suppress our immune system for up to eight hours.

所以，不管你多么爱别人，如果你在评判他们或产生负面想法，实际上是在损害自己的健康。

So no matter how much you love other people, if you're judging them or having negative thoughts, you're actually damaging your own health.

但当你看到杯子放在水槽里或牙膏管被捏得乱七八糟时感到烦躁，该怎么办呢？

But what is someone to do though when you feel irritated when the cup is in the sink or the toothpaste tube is mangled?

你难道就只能忍着吗？

What are you supposed are you just supposed to just suck it up?

不。

No.

对我来说，我喜欢让自己保持中立。

For me, what I like to do is get myself to neutral.

明白吗？

Know?

所以我不想为此大动干戈，我的意思是，不值得为这种事吵架。

So I don't want to start a whole I mean, it's not worth starting a fight over.

有些事情是值得去争取的。

There's some things that are worth fighting over.

但这些小事不值得。

These little things aren't.

所以你可以去散个步、洗个澡、做几次深呼吸，让自己回到平静的状态。

So you just go for a walk, take a bath, do some deep breathing, Get yourself to a neutral place.

然后问问自己：关于这种行为，我能不能编个更有趣的新故事？

And then ask yourself, what new story could I make up about this behavior that would be fun?

让我给你举个例子。

And let me give you an example.