人们对你真实的看法以及为何少许不诚实或许无妨

今天在《你该知道的事》节目中，如果一只苍蝇落在了你准备吃的食物上，还能吃吗？

Today on Something You Should Know, if a fly lands on the food you're about to eat, is it still okay to eat it?

那么，你该如何更好地读懂他人，又该如何让自己更讨人喜欢？

Then, how can you better read other people, and how do you make yourself more likable?

我们发现，某些非语言线索反复出现时，往往会增加一个人的吸引力。

What we found was that certain nonverbal cues over and over again tend to increase likability.

例如，我们通常更喜欢那些会微微歪头的人。

For example, we tend to like people who tilt their heads.

另外，你知道吗？除非所有事物颜色相同，否则你的大脑无法同时追踪超过三件事。

Also, did you know your brain is incapable of keeping track of more than three things unless they're all the same color.

虽然大多数人相当诚实，但事实上，几乎所有人都有点不诚实。

And while most people are pretty honest, it turns out almost all of us are a little dishonest.

你知道，你完全可以稍微超速一点。

You know, you could go over the speed limit a little bit.

我们可以在报税单上多加几笔额外的收据。

We can add a few extra receipts to our tax return.

同样地，那些与我们有专业往来的人，比如你的水管工、修车工，他们觉得从你钱包里拿钱不太舒服，但推荐你其实不需要的服务却要舒服得多。

And in the same way that the people who deal with us professionally, your plumber, your mechanic, they don't feel okay taking money away from your wallet, but recommending services you don't really need feels much more comfortable.

以上所有内容，尽在《你应该知道的事》。

All this today on Something You Should Know.

我知道你喜欢有趣且发人深省的对话和观点，因为你一直在收听《你应该知道的事》。

I know you like interesting and thought provoking conversations and ideas because you listen to something you should know.

所以，让我向你推荐另一档我知道你会喜欢的播客。

So let me recommend another podcast I know you will enjoy.

它是《乔丹·哈宾格秀》。

It's the Jordan Harbinger Show.

乔丹有一种独特的才能，能让嘉宾分享故事并提供发人深省的见解。

Jordan has a real talent for getting his guests to share stories and offer thought provoking insights.

多年来，我推荐了很多人去听，也收到很多反馈，说他们非常感激我介绍他们认识《乔丹·哈宾格秀》。

Over the years, I've sent a lot of people to listen, and I get feedback from people who are so glad I introduced them to the Jordan Harbinger Show.

最近，他讨论了山达基教会以及在该组织中长大的孩子们。

Recently, he discussed Scientology and the children who were raised in that organization.

这是一场引人入胜的对话。

It's a fascinating conversation.

他与兰达·帕特里克博士讨论了如何在现代世界中保护你的身心，而这比你想象的要困难得多。

And he talked with doctor Rhonda Patrick about how to protect your mind and body from the modern world, and it's tougher than you think.

我对乔丹有了相当深入的了解。

I've gotten to know Jordan pretty well.

我们经常交流，我告诉你，他是个非常聪明、富有洞察力的人，做的播客简直太棒了。

We talk frequently, and I tell you, he is a very smart, insightful guy who does a hell of a podcast.

在Apple播客、Spotify或你收听播客的任何平台，都去听听《乔丹·哈宾格秀》吧。

Check out the Jordan Harbinger show on Apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

《Something You Should Know》——精彩资讯、世界顶尖专家的见解，以及你今天就能用上的实用建议。

Something you should know, fascinating intel, the world's top experts, and practical advice you can use in your life today.

《Something You Should Know》由迈克·卡鲁瑟斯主持。

Something you should know with Mike Carruthers.

本期节目中有大量你今天就能用上的实用建议。

We have so much practical advice you can use in your life today in this episode.

你可能需要做些笔记，因为我们今天要讨论诚实，更准确地说是不诚实，如何更好地读懂他人，以及如何让自己显得更亲切、更有吸引力。

You may wanna take notes because we are gonna talk about honesty, or more to the point dishonesty, how to better read people and how to present yourself to be more approachable and attractive to other people.

今天我们先从一个你肯定遇到过的情境开始：面前放着一块蛋糕，或者某种美味的食物，这时一只苍蝇落在了上面。

And we're gonna start today with the situation that I know you've been in where there's this piece of cake or something in front of you, some delicious piece of food, and then a fly lands on it.

那么，你现在会怎么做？

And now what do you do?

如果苍蝇落在你的食物上，是不是就意味着这食物不能再吃了？

If a fly lands on your food, does that mean it is no longer fit for human consumption?

根据悉尼大学讲授食品卫生课程的卡梅隆·韦伯的说法，答案很可能是否定的。

Probably not according to Cameron Webb of the University of Sydney who lectures on the subject of food hygiene.

一只苍蝇落在你的食物上，不太可能让吃它的人生病。

A single fly landing on your food is unlikely to trigger an illness in anyone who eats it.

然而，如果有多只苍蝇，或者苍蝇在你的食物上停留了未知的时长，那你就要警惕了。

However, if there are multiple flies or if a fly has been lingering on your food for an unknown amount of time, well, now you need to be concerned.

苍蝇可以携带多达100种人类和动物疾病，以及各种寄生虫，并且能将这些全部传播到你的食物上。

Flies can carry up to 100 human and animal diseases, as well as a whole host of parasites, and they can deposit all of those things on your food.

有趣的是，城市里的苍蝇比乡村的苍蝇更卫生。

Interestingly, city flies are more hygienic than country flies.

为什么？

Why?

在城市里，苍蝇更可能停留在其他食物上。

Well, in the city, flies are more likely to spend time on other food.

而乡村的苍蝇则更可能停留在死动物、动物粪便等东西上。

While country flies are more likely to spend time on dead animals and animal waste and things.

所以，如果只有一只苍蝇落在你的食物上，大概没什么大不了的。

So a single fly on your food, probably no big deal.

如果有很多只苍蝇，那你最好还是换点别的吃。

Lots of flies, and you're probably better off eating something else.

这应该是你要告诉别人的吧？

And that is something you should others?

是什么让有些人比其他人更受欢迎？

What makes some people more popular than others?

你如何让自己对他人更有趣、更有吸引力？

And how do you make yourself more interesting and appealing to other people?

一个微笑或微微歪头，真的能改变别人对你的看法吗？

Could a smile or a tilt of the head really make a difference in what others think of you?

所有这些都属于人的科学和人类行为的规律。

All of this is the science of people and the laws of human behavior.

而范妮莎·范·爱德华兹就是这方面的教授。

And Vanessa Van Edwards is the professor on this.

范妮莎一直在研究人，也研究别人对人的研究成果，并将这些内容整理成了一本书，名为《与人成功相处的科学》。

Vanessa has been studying people and studying what other people have been studying about people, and she's put it in a book called The Science of Succeeding with People.

你好，范妮莎。

Hi, Vanessa.

欢迎你。

Welcome.

谢谢你们邀请我。

Thanks for having me.

既然你了解人类行为和人际互动，告诉我一些能帮助我更好地理解或与人建立联系的内容，或者一些能让我对人们如何沟通和建立联系感到惊讶的发现。

So knowing what you know about human behavior and human interaction, tell me something that will help me understand or connect with people or something that will surprise me about how people communicate and connect.

是的。

Yeah.

我们很快发现的第一件事是，你可能会认为吸引力是关键，而吸引力确实有帮助，但当我们评判一个人是否成功、有效或受欢迎时，这其实并不是最重要的因素。

So the first thing that we found very quickly is that, you think it's about attractiveness, and attractiveness helps certainly, but actually that's not the most important factor when we're trying to judge someone on success or effectiveness or even likability.

我们发现，某些非语言线索反复出现，往往会增加人们的喜爱度。

And what we found was that certain nonverbal cues over and over again tend to increase likability.

例如，我们更喜欢那些会微微倾斜头部的人。

For example, we tend to like people who tilt their heads.

这一点在研究中被提及，我们的研究也发现，在推特或领英的个人头像中，只要稍微倾斜一下头部，人们就会更喜欢。

Now this was something that came up in the research, it also came up in our research that people in a Twitter profile picture or LinkedIn profile picture who just had a slight little head tilt, people liked it.

我当时就想，为什么？

And I went, why?

为什么会这样？

Why is this the case?

事实上，当人类试图听清楚某件事时，比如我说：嘿，你听到那个声音了吗？

Well, turns out that when as humans we're trying to hear something, like if I say, hey, do you hear that?

我们通常会把头歪向一侧，以暴露耳朵，帮助听得更清楚。

Usually we tilt our head up to expose our ears, helps us hear more.

因此，我们会认为那些歪头的人更有同理心、更善于倾听，也可能更温暖，而这些正是我们喜欢与之相处的人。

And so we think of people who are tilting their heads as more empathetic, as better listeners, as possibly warmer, and those are the kind people that we like to be around.

所以，这真是一个很有趣的现象：哇，这种非语言行为竟然是普遍存在的，甚至在一张个人头像中都能作为判断依据。

So that was a really interesting way that like, wow, that's something that's a universal nonverbal that we tend to use that as a indicator in just a profile picture.

那么，以列表形式来说，你能从人们身上理解到哪些东西呢？

So just in list form, what are the kinds of things can you understand about people?

比如亲和力、受欢迎程度，有哪些具体因素？如果你了解这些，能获得哪些信息？给我列个简短的清单。

Things like what approachability, likability, what are the things, just give me like a short list of things that are available to you if you know this stuff.

是的，我认为实际上有三大类，三个主要方面。

Yeah, I would say that there's actually three big ones, the three buckets.

第一是温暖感，也就是受欢迎程度、友好度和亲和力。

One is warmth, so likability, friendliness, approachability.

第二个是能力，即权力、智慧、能力和效率。

The second is competence, so power, intelligence, capability, effectiveness.

最后一个则是魅力。

And the last one is charisma.

实际上，哈佛商学院的研究人员发现，魅力是温暖与能力的一种结合。

And actually, Harvard Business Researchers found that charisma is kind of a blend of warmth and competence.

因此，这些正是我们在课程、书籍和实验室中重点关注的三大方面。

So those are kind of the three buckets that we really focus on in our courses, our books, in our labs.

那么谈谈魅力吧。

So talk about charisma then.

它是什么？

What is it?

你如何识别它？

How do you identify it?

而且可能更重要的是，你如何展现它？

And and and probably more importantly, how do you project it?

是的

Yeah.

自从我年轻时起，我就对魅力着迷，因为我从未拥有过它。

I've been fascinated by charisma ever since I was young because I never had it.

所以，你知道，我常开玩笑说自己是个正在康复的笨拙的人。

So I was, you know, that that real I joke I'm a recovering awkward person.

我就是那种在学校里，隔着食堂远远望着那些受欢迎的孩子、对他们充满敬畏的孩子。

And I was that kid in school who just like watched the popular kids across the cafeteria and was in awe of them.

所以，当我进入大学，开始做自己的研究、上心理学课程时，我深深着迷于魅力、受欢迎度这些概念——到底什么是魅力？

And so I think that when I got into college and I started doing my own research and taking psychology classes, I was really obsessed with this idea of charisma, popularity, what is it?

于是我学到的第一件事是，哈佛商学院的一项研究发现，我们总是根据他人的温暖感和能力来评判他人。

And so the very first thing I learned was that this Harvard Business School Harvard Business School research study found that we're always judging some people on their warmth and competence factors.

你可能只有温暖感。

And you can have just warmth.

你可以非常友好、非常讨人喜欢，但如果你只有温暖感，人们往往不会认真对待你。

You can be very friendly, very likable, but if you only have warmth, you're often not taken seriously.

人们更常忘记你的名字。

People forget your name more often.

在会议中，人们可能会打断你。

People might interrupt you in meetings.

你也可以只有能力，能力也不错，但如果你只有能力而缺乏亲和力，人们会认为你强大、能干，但可能令人畏惧或难以接近。

Now you can also have just competence, and competence is okay too, but if you just have that without the warmth, people see you as powerful, capable, but maybe intimidating or hard to talk to.

因此，魅力实际上是亲和力与可信度的完美结合。

And so that charisma is actually the perfect blend of being both approachable and credible.

我们可以学会这一点。

And we can learn that.

是的，有些人天生就具备魅力。

Yes, people are born with it.

有些人天生就拥有极高的亲和力与能力。

There are people who naturally have very high levels of both.

但幸运的是，无论是非语言还是语言信号，都存在一些表示亲和力与能力的社会信号，你可以学习并采用这些信号，从而提升你的魅力。

But luckily there are both non verbal and verbal signals or social signals of one thing and competence that you can adopt and learn, and that helps increase that charisma factor.

我在那个描述中惊讶地没有听到‘自信’这个词。

What I'm surprised not to hear in that description is, self confidence.

因为当我回想起高中时那些受欢迎的孩子时，他们身上有我所缺乏的特质。

Because when I think back in high school of the popular kids, that's something they had that I didn't have.

他们举止从容，仿佛天下尽在掌握。

They seemed to carry themselves like they were on top of the world.

他们清楚自己是谁。

They knew what they were.

他们知道自己在做什么，而且不太在乎你怎么想。

They knew what they were doing and they kind of didn't really care what you thought.

他们拥有那种我所没有的东西，我不知道该怎么说。

They had that that I don't I don't know.

我想那大概就是魅力。

I I guess it's charisma.

那种说不清道不明的气质。

It's that je ne sais quoi.

我不确定那到底是什么，但看起来确实很酷。

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it sure looks cool.

是的，你提到自信很有趣。

Yeah, you know it's interesting you mentioned confidence.

我倾向于——这属于个人选择，而且你提到这点很有趣——我不使用‘自信’这个词，因为我感觉在文化上我们已经滥用它了。

So I tend to, and this is a personal choice and you know it's interesting you bring it up, I don't use the word confidence only because I feel like culturally we've abused it.

我们对它的使用过度了，以至于几乎听不到它的真正含义了。

We have over it's almost like we don't hear it anymore.

比如，如果我说我教一门关于自信的课程，人们就会说，对，没错。

Like if I were to say, I teach a course on confidence, people would be like, and people would Right.

但如果我说我教一门关于魅力的课程，人们就会说，哦，这挺有意思的。

Not be very I was like, I teach a course on charisma, people would be like, Oh, well that's interesting.

魅力和能力非常接近，我甚至会说，两者之间的桥梁是舒适感。

Now, charisma and competence are very close and I would actually say that the bridge between the two is comfort.

所以这样想：如果你非常有能力，那么能力不是装出来的。

So think about it this way, if you are very competent, so competence is not faking it.

能力是真正去做事情、谈论事情，以让你感到强大、有能力且高效的方式行动。

Competence is actually doing things, talking about things, acting in a way that you are, you feel powerful and capable and effective.

这会带来某种程度的从容。

That brings a certain level of comfort.

比如，我在数学课上并不具有魅力。

So for example, I am not charismatic in a math class.

我永远都不会有。

I never will be.

我在那个学科上并不具备能力。

I'm not competent in that subject.

我连饭后算小费都勉强应付。

I can barely do tips at the end of a dinner.

然而，在科学课或英语课上，我则稍微更有魅力一些，因为那些是我的强项科目。

However, I'm a little bit more charismatic in say a science class or an English class because those are my rock star subjects.

所以，你不可能总是拥有魅力。

So it's, you cannot always have charisma.

这是可以学会的，但在假装和假装有能力之间有一条非常细微的界限，而后者通常行不通；真正有效的方法是找到那些你真正感到有把握的话题，然后在这些方面提升你的魅力。

It can be learned, but there's a very fine line between faking it and faking competence, which usually doesn't work, and finding the topics and the things that you actually feel competent about, and then dialing the charisma up on that level.

所以我认为，这种舒适感会带来自信，这样说你能明白吗？

So I think that comfort brings confidence, if that makes sense.

我认为这是一个非常重要的观点，所有这些在某种程度上都是情境性的——就像你说的，你在一间房间里可能感觉这样，但走进另一间房间、面对不同的人时，感觉却完全不同。

Well, I think that's a really important point that all of this is somewhat seemingly situational that, like you say, you can you can feel one way in one room and go to the next room with other people and feel completely different.

是的，我认为这是我们教人技能或软技能时面临的最大问题。

Yeah, that's I think the biggest problem that we face with teaching people skills or soft skills.

我的职业就是教授软技能，我非常热爱软技能。

Know, my career is teaching soft skills and I love soft skills.

我认为软技能可以像硬技能一样被教授。

I think you can teach soft skills like hard skills.

我面临的主要问题是，人们一直被教导：一旦学会了，就差不多算完成了。

The biggest problem that I face is that people have been taught, it's once you learn it, it's kinda like you're done.

对吧？

Right?

就像你学会了如何富有魅力，就永远具备魅力了。

Like you learn how to be charismatic and you're charismatic forever.

但事实并非如此。

And that just isn't the case.

在让你极度不适的情境中，想要极度有魅力，或者说用另一个词——极具影响力、极具感染力，甚至试图扮演一个外向者，都是不可能的。

It's also impossible to be highly charismatic or we even, we can even use a different word, highly influential, highly impactful, even trying to be an extrovert if you're not one in situations that make you highly uncomfortable.

因此，我所教授的核心理念是将情境划分为三个不同类别。

And so I, the one thing that I teach is the idea of breaking down context into three different categories.

生存、中性、和成长。

Survive, neutral, and thrive.

比如，假设有人非常讨厌去嘈杂的酒吧，那简直完全超出了他们的舒适区。

Because for example, let's say that someone really, really hates going to loud bars, like that's just like, oh, it's out of their comfort zone.

在这种情境下，他们几乎不可能表现出很高的魅力。

It's almost impossible for them to be very charismatic in that zone.

所以我会对他们说：别从那里开始。

So I would say to them, do not start there.

第二个地方也别去。

Don't even go there second.

我们先去一些中性领域，那些你已经比较自在的场合，然后在这些地方逐步提升。

Let's go to some of the neutral areas, some of the areas you're already pretty comfortable in and let's dial up in those areas.

并不是所有情境都同等重要。

So not all contexts are created equal.

既然你懂这么多，那你遇到别人时，会不会像做清单一样去评估他们？

Since you know all this stuff, do you, when you meet somebody, do you go through like a checklist and size them up?

如果是的话，那个清单是什么？

If so, what is that checklist?

说实话，我真希望答案是否定的，但我觉得答案是肯定的。

You know, I wish I could say no, but I think the answer is is yes.

这仅仅是因为它对我来说并不自然。

And this is only because it does not come naturally to me.

快速读懂他人是我为了生存而培养出来的技能。

Speed reading people is a skill that I have developed out of survival.

我童年时遇到过很多成年人，不幸的是，他们经常对我撒谎，所以我不得不学会读懂他人来保护自己。

I had a childhood where I had a lot of people who, unfortunately adults, who lied to me and I really had to learn to get good at reading people to protect myself.

于是我建立了一套系统，这套系统花了我多年时间才完善，也正是我在书中所教授的快速读懂他人的方法。

And so I developed a sort of system, and this has taken me years to develop, that's what I actually teach in the book, for speed reading people.

因此，我主要检查三件事。

And so what I'm checking off is three different things.

你会注意到，我偏爱三法则。

You'll notice I like the rule of three.

是的，没错。

Yeah, so yeah.

这有助于我记住。

Helps me remember.

第一是他们的五个性格特质。

The first one is their five personality traits.

所以这是我首先想弄清楚的事情。

So that's the first thing I'm trying to figure out.

这是我称之为他们矩阵的外层。

It's the outer layer of what I call their matrix.

我认为每个人都有三个基本层次，而外层就是他们的性格。

I think everyone has three basic layers and so the outer layer is their personality.

所以我试图弄清楚他们的五种性格特质。

So I try to figure out their five personality traits.

我确实为我生命中的每个人都有一个矩阵。

And I literally have matrices for every person in my life.

我的几乎所有学生都为他们生命中的每个人建立了矩阵。

Almost all my students have matrices for all the all the people in their life.

第二层是他们的欣赏语言，或基于加里·查普曼博士研究的五种爱的语言。

The second layer is their appreciation language or their love language based on doctor Gary Chapman's research, the five love languages.

而中间的内层是他们的主要资源，这是基于福和他的同事关于一个人主要需求的研究。

And the middle inner layer is their primary resource, which is research based on Foe and his associates on what is someone's primary need.

因此有六种资源，我试图找出他们的主要资源是什么。

So there's six resources and I'm trying to find out what is their primary resource.

当你说到他们的主要需求时，能举个例子吗？

And when you say their primary need, what might those be, like for example?

是的。

Yeah.

比如，福阿认为，这可以说是马斯洛需求层次理论的更新版本，如果你熟悉的话。

So for example, Foa argues, this is kinda like the updated version of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, if you're familiar with that.

嗯。

Uh-huh.

这可以说是那个理论的更新版本。

This is kind of the newer version of that.

基本上，我们所有人都需要这六种资源类别，但通常会偏爱其中一种，而这种往往是我们的短板。

It's basically that we all need all six resource categories, but we tend to favor one that we have trouble with.

这可能是童年时期缺乏的一种，也可能是最能让我们满足的一种。

It could be one that we didn't get a lot of as a child, it could be one that just fulfills us the most.

比如，其中一种是信息。

And so for example, one of them is information.

所以这些人就像是什么都知道的人。

So these are people who are like know it alls.

那些总是上网搜索的人，总是想掌握最新信息的人，有时还喜欢八卦。

People who are always Googling things, people who always wanna be in the know, they tend to be gossipers sometimes.

这会是一个类别。

That would be one category.

因此，对他们来说，给予信息比给予地位更有价值。

So for them, giving them information is much more valuable than say, giving them status.

另一个类别是地位。

So another one would be status.

地位就是表扬、责任和更高的头衔。

So status is praise, responsibility, larger titles.

所以在工作中，与同事相处时，这非常有用。

So at work, with colleagues, this is really helpful.

因为如果你和某人共事，知道他们的价值资源是地位，那么对他们来说，表扬、公开表扬、赋予更多责任以及一个崭新的闪亮头衔，比送礼物或礼品卡等实物更有激励作用。

Because if you are working with someone and you know that their value resource is status, for them praise and public praise and public responsibility and a new brand new shiny title, that is far more of an incentive than goods like a gift or a gift card.

因此，观察所有不同的资源有助于你更好地吸引他人，理解他们的动机。

So looking at all the different resources helps you appeal to people, understand their motivations.

这极大地改善了我职业上和社交中的各种关系。

It's greatly changed my relationships both professionally and socially.

今天我的嘉宾是范妮莎·范·爱德华兹，她是一位名叫《与人成功相处的科学》的作者。

Vanessa Van Edwards is my guest today on Something You Should Know and she is the author of the book The Science of Succeeding with People.

听好了，如果你正在创业或启动新项目，你必须拥有一个网站。

Listen, if you're starting a new business or a new project, you have to have a website.

但这还远远不够。

But it's more than that.

你的网站必须是一个出色的网站。

It has to be a great website.

当然，你可以让你邻居的表弟的侄子帮你建网站，但既然有Squarespace，为什么还要这么做呢？

And sure, you could have your neighbor's cousin's nephew build your website, but why when there's Squarespace?

使用Squarespace，你可以借助他们由世界级网页设计师打造的精美模板来构建你的网站。

With Squarespace, you build your website using one of their beautiful templates designed by world class web designers.

然后你可以轻松快速地将其自定义为完全符合你的需求。

Then you easily and quickly customize it to your exact needs.

我们为正在制作的一个新播客做了这样一个网站，整个过程非常简单，最终效果完美。

We did this with a website for a new podcast that we're working on and the whole process was so easy and it came out looking perfect.

如果你在网站上销售产品或服务，Squarespace 内置了完整的电子商务功能，让你可以立即开始销售。

And if you're selling products or services on your site, Squarespace has all the e commerce functionality built right in so you can start selling right away.

你将获得免费的网页托管，无需任何升级，而且屡获殊荣的客户服务随时待命，24/7 随时为你提供帮助。

You get free web hosting, there's never anything to upgrade, and their award winning customer service is right there 20 fourseven whenever you need it.

听好了，你需要一个网站，要么轻松搞定，要么艰难折腾。

Look, you need a website and you can either do it the easy way or the hard way.

花点时间去看看 squarespace.com，免费试用一下；当你准备上线时，使用优惠码 something，即可享受网站或域名首单 10% 的折扣。

Just take a moment and check out squarespace.com for a free trial And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code something to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

就是 squarespace.com，使用优惠码 something。

That's squarespace.com and use the offer code something.

摄政时代。

Of the Regency era.

你可能知道这是《布里奇顿》故事发生的年代，或者简·奥斯汀创作小说的时期。

You might know it as the time when Bridgerton takes place, or as the time when Jane Austen wrote her books.

摄政时期也是社会变革、性丑闻频发，或许还是英国历史上最糟糕国王的年代。

The Regency era was also an explosive time of social change, sex scandals, and maybe the worst king in British history.

《粗俗历史》的新一季将聚焦摄政时期，包括舞会、礼服和所有丑闻。

Vulgar history's new season is all about the regency era, the balls, the gowns, and all the scandal.

在你收听播客的任何平台搜索并收听《粗俗历史》的摄政时期专题。

Listen to vulgar history, regency era, wherever you get podcasts.

如果你热爱Bravo的戏剧、流行文化的混乱和坦率的见解，那你一定想把《All About TRH》播客加入你的订阅列表。

If Bravo drama, pop culture chaos, and honest takes are your love language, you'll want All About TRH podcast in your feed.

由罗克珊和尚塔尔主持，这档节目深入解析《真实主妇》真人秀以及每个人在群聊中争论的那些瞬间。

Hosted by Roxanne and Chantel, this show breaks down Real Housewives reality TV and the moments everyone's group chat is arguing about.

罗克珊自2010年起就开始爆料Bravo的八卦。

Roxanne's been spilling Bravo tea since 2010.

是的，我们曾经采访过主妇界的传奇人物，比如卢安伯爵夫人和特蕾莎·吉杜斯。

And, yes, we've interviewed Housewives Royalty like Countess Luanne and Teresa Giudice.

精辟的回顾，内行的氛围，毫无废话。

Smart recaps, insider energy, and zero fluff.

在苹果播客、Spotify 或您收听播客的任何平台收听《All About TRH》播客。

Listen to All About TRH Podcasts on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen.

每周更新新集。

New episodes weekly.

所以，卡罗琳，告诉我吧，因为我真的很想了解这个。

So, Carolyn, tell me how because I would love to know this.

如何在社交场合游刃有余？

How to work a room?

当你走进一个满是人的房间时，怎样才能自然融入其中，而不是只想靠墙站着，盯着时钟发呆？

How how when you walk into a room of full of people, what is the best way to become part of that and not feel like you should just hang out by the wall and you know, watch the clock?

是的，我们做了一个非常有趣的关于社交网络的研究，去了俄勒冈州波特兰各地的社交活动。

Yeah, so we did a really fun study on networking where we went to networking events all over Portland, Oregon.

我住在俄勒冈州波特兰。

I'm in Portland, Oregon.

我们布置了摄像机，房间每个角落都有一台，拍摄了参加社交活动的人，并跟踪他们的行动。

And we filmed, we had a camera in each corner of the room, we filmed networkers and we followed them and we tracked them.

我们还给他们做了事前和事后调查。

We also gave them pre surveys and post surveys.

我们在寻找超级连接者。

We were looking for super connectors.

我们寻找的不仅是那些最享受活动的人，因为这很重要——我们希望找到喜欢这种场合的人，同时也要找到获得最多联系人、名片最多、LinkedIn社交网络最广泛活跃的人。

We were looking for the people who not only enjoyed themselves the most, because that's important, we want we wanted people who liked it, but also who got the most contacts, business cards, and had the most robust and active LinkedIn networks.

我们发现，这些超级连接者在社交场合中有着非常明确的模式。

And we found that there was very very specific patterns, that those super connectors worked a room very specifically.

首先，他们避开了入口附近的区域。

First thing is that they avoided the very first entrance area.

在我的书里，我把这个区域称为‘起始区’。

In my book, I call this the start zone.

他们会直接穿过这个区域。

They went right through that.

最差的社交者往往会在入口区徘徊。

The worst networkers tended to hover in the start zone.

入口区就是你刚进房间时的地方，靠近衣帽间，就在入口附近徘徊。

The start zone is like right as you enter a room, right near the coat check, hovering kind of right at the entrance.

这似乎是新手的错误，而超级连接者会直接穿过这个区域。

That seemed to be a rookie mistake and super connectors blasted right through it.

他们直奔我称之为‘黄金点’的地方，也就是人们刚从酒吧出来的地方。

They went right for, and this, I call this a sweet spot, they went right for the first sweet spot which is right as people exit the bar.

所以，首先，排队等酒吧是与他人开启对话的好方法，因为你们挨着站在一起，可以问：‘你想喝点什么？’

So it seems to be that first of all waiting in line for the bar is a great way to start up conversation with someone because you're sitting next to each other and you can say, hey, what do need to drink?

当人们刚从酒吧出来时，他们非常渴望有人能聊聊天。

And then right as people exit the bar, they're pretty desperate for someone to talk to.

因此，站在那个地方，你就成了他们的社交救星。

And so standing in that place, you kind of become a social savior.

所以他们会说：‘嘿，欢迎参加活动，你点了什么？’

So they would say, hey, you know, welcome to the event, what'd you get?

这是一种最容易开启的对话方式，而不是随机走向房间另一头的人搭讪，他们就这样收集到了大量名片。

And it was the easiest kind of startup conversation as opposed to like trying to approach someone randomly across the room, and they just racked in those business cards.

而且显然玩得最开心。

And and clearly had the best time.

这可能是因为他们一直待在酒吧附近，你知道，这或许就是他们玩得这么开心的原因。

Now that could be because they were staying at the bar, you know, that could have been why they had such a good time.

我们一次又一次地看到这种情况。

We saw this over and over again.

所以我总是说，避开起始区，避开侧边区，比如洗手间、在食物周围徘徊。

So I always say avoid the start zone, avoid the side zone, so bathrooms, hovering around the food.

你可能会觉得在食物周围徘徊是个好主意，但我们发现这只会带来大量但质量低下的对话。

You would think hovering around the food is a good idea, but what we found was it produced high quantity, low quality conversations.

为什么？

Why?

当人们拿着食物时，他们在取餐过程中很乐意和你闲聊。

When people have their food, they're happy to chitchat with you while they're getting their food.

他们拿到食物后，就想吃东西。

When they get their food, they wanna eat.

所以他们常常会说：‘跟你聊得很开心，我现在去坐下吃东西了。’

So they often then will say, okay, great talking to you, I'm gonna go sit down and eat this.

而且他们也只有一半心思在你身上，因为另一半脑子在想着吃东西。

And they're also only half with you because half their brain is eating.

所以这也是另一个新手错误：侧区。

So that's all another rookie mistake is the side zone.

这真的很有趣，因为我觉得大多数人进入房间时，会开始四处张望，但又不知道该看什么。

That's really interesting because I think most people approach a room and start looking well, don't know what they look.

我不知道该看哪里。

I don't know what I look at.

我感觉自己走进一群人当中时完全是盲目的。

I'm not, I feel like I go into a room of people totally blind.

就像我在希望找到些什么，但我自己都不清楚到底想找到什么。

Like I'm hoping to find something but I don't even know what I'm hoping to find.

哦，你知道吗？

Oh, you know what?

这其实正是问题所在。

That's actually the problem.

所以我们谈论自信，或者根本不谈自信，我们从不说这个词。

So we talk about confidence, or we don't talk about confidence, we don't say that word.

但事实上，我在课程中一遍又一遍强调的是：这关乎有目的性，而不是自信。

But actually, one of the things I say in my courses over and over again is this is about being purposeful, not confident.

所以如果你走进一个房间，不知道该做什么，完全没有计划，比如你走进房间后心想：好吧，我先去拿杯饮料，再去趟洗手间，那个人看起来挺有意思。

So if you walk into a room and you don't know what to do, like you have no plan because you walk into a room and you're like, I guess I'll get a drink, I guess I'll go to the bathroom, that person looks kinda interesting.

这种缺乏目的感的状态，让你很难显得自信。

That lack of purpose is, it's very hard to be confident.

所以我真的认为，目的性——比如明确知道自己要做什么：登记外套、不站在入口区、去取食物、拿饮料，但不站在食物区逗留，然后等准备好了就稳稳地站在那个位置——这种明确的计划会给你一种自信，因为你做事非常有目的性。

So actually I think purpose, like knowing, I'm checking in, I'm turning in my coat, I'm not standing in the start zone, I'm getting my food, I'm getting my drink, but I'm not standing in the food zone, and then I'm gonna go plant myself once I'm ready at that spot, it gives you a kind of confidence because you are so purposeful with what you are doing.

人们能察觉出来吗？你认为，如果你走进房间时感到孤独又急切，不知道该做什么，别人能有意识或无意识地感受到并做出反应吗？

Can people tell, do you think, that if you walk into a room and you feel kind of lonely and desperate and you don't know what to do, can people consciously or unconsciously sense that and react to that?

如果是这样，那会怎样呢？

And if so, how?

我觉得是的。

I think yes.

我之所以没有给出明确的答案，是因为我们真的不清楚那种说不清道不明的感觉究竟是什么。

The reason why I kind of couch that without a definitive answer is because we really don't know that je ne sais quoi exactly.

有时候你会听到女性或男性说，能闻到对方身上的绝望气息。

Like, sometimes you hear women say, men or women say, can smell the desperation on them.

是的。

Mhmm.

我觉得这有一定道理。

And you know, I think there's some truth to that.

我不知道是怎么做到的。

I don't know how.

我不知道为什么。

I don't know why.

或者，你知道的，他们也发现我们的情绪是会传染的。

Or, you know, they have also found that our emotions are contagious.

在我的TED演讲中，我的核心观点就是我们非常、非常容易互相传染，但我们并不确切知道是如何或为何如此。

In my TED Talk, that was my whole theme was that we're very, very contagious, but we don't know exactly how or why.

所以我说我觉得是这样，但我不知道这种感觉来自哪里。

So I say I think so, but I don't know where that comes from.

我不确定这是否来自面部表情。

I don't know if that's from facial expressions.

我不确定这是否来自信息素。

I don't know if it's from pheromones.

我不确定这是否来自肢体语言的线索。

I don't know if it's from body language cues.

但我认为某种方式上，我们确实能感知到。

But I think that somehow we do know.

我们其实比自己愿意承认的更像一群动物。

We are more like herds than we like to believe.

总以为自己是风暴中孤独的个体。

Like to think that we're individuals alone in the storm.

我认为很多时候我们都在不知不觉中表现出群体行为。

I think a lot of the time we engage in a lot of herd behavior subconsciously we don't realize.

但一旦人们进入那个房间，建立了联系并开始交谈，很多人就不知道该说什么。

Once people are in that room though and they make that connection and start to talk, a lot of people don't know what to say.

他们讨厌寒暄，不知道如何进行寒暄，也不知道该聊些什么。

They hate small talk, they don't know how to make small talk, and they don't know what to talk about.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得我特别喜欢利用情境线索。

I think so I love using context cues.

我认为这是最容易想到话题、找到说话内容的方式。

I think that that's the easiest way to come up with things come up with something to say.

情境线索是最好的，因为你总处于某种情境之中。

Context cues are the best because you're always in a context of some kind.

你知道，你从来不会缺少线索。

You know, you're never without one.

所以这是利用你环境中的线索来轻松开启对话。

And so this is using cues in your environment to easily bridge conversations.

所以可能是，嘿，你在酒吧点了什么？

So it could be, you know, hey, what'd get at the bar?

你喝的是什么？

What are you drinking?

那杯饮料看起来很有趣。

That drink looks interesting.

也可能是，哦，你试过那些超棒的鸡翅吗？

It could be, oh, did you try those amazing wings?

哦，它们比我想象的还要好吃。

Oh, they were so much better than I thought.

也可能是，嘿，你以前来过这家超棒的餐厅吗？

It could be, hey, have you been to this gorgeous restaurant before?

也可能是，嘿，你怎么认识主人的？

Could be, hey, how do you know the host?

你来这儿是为什么？

What brings you here?

总会有上下文，而上下文总是安全的，因为你们已经共享它了。

There's always context and context is always safe because you already share it.

和陌生人在一起时，你们已经共享了这个上下文。

With a stranger, you are already sharing the context.

所以提起它、谈论它很容易，因为它就在你眼前，而且感觉是个安全的话题，因此这是一个非常容易的破冰方式。

And so to bring it up, to talk about it, it is easy because it's right in front of you, and also it feels like a safe topic, so it's a really easy bridge.

当你看着一个人时，有没有办法判断他们是否容易接近？我想这在某种程度上是主观的，但如何判断一个人是否容易接近？有没有办法让自己显得容易接近？如果有的话，这问题可真够长的。

Is there a way to tell when you look at someone whether, and I guess this is somewhat subjective, but how approachable they are and is there a way to project that you're approachable and if so, what a long question this is.

如果有，那么在浪漫和非浪漫情境下有没有区别？

And if so, is there a difference whether it's romantic or not?

是的，答案是肯定的。

Yes, the answer is yes.

这是一个很长的答案。

It's a long answer.

但我会说，你首先应该关注的是有目的性。

But I would say that what you should focus on first is being purposeful.

我们喜欢知道自己的目标的人。

We like people who know what they're doing.

我们喜欢和知道自己的目标的人交谈。

We like to talk to people who know what they're doing.

我们喜欢和喜欢自己现状的人交谈。

We like to talk to people who like where they are.

所以到目前为止我们讨论的所有内容实际上都有助于提升你的亲和力。

So everything we've talked about so far actually helps you with that approachability.

第一，身处你擅长的环境中。

One, being in context that you thrive in.

也就是你已经感到舒适的场所。

So places you're already comfortable.

二，谈论你感到有把握的话题或做你擅长的事情。

Two, talking about topics or doing things where you feel competent.

三，有目的地行动，清楚你所处的环境和你想交流的对象，并准备好非常简单易行的过渡话题。

Three, being purposeful with your actions, knowing where you are and who you're trying to talk to, and then having really, really easy bridge topics at the ready.

我们能察觉到，我们想要轻松的互动，对吧？

We pick up on, we want easy, right?

在社交互动中，我们正在房间里寻找那些有趣、能进行精彩对话的人。

In social interactions we're searching the room for someone who's gonna be fun, who's gonna be a really good conversation.

所以，如果你具备这四点，那就是一个好的开端。

So if you have those four things going, that's the right start.

还有没有我们没提到、但你觉得人们真正需要理解、能带来很大帮助的内容？

Any anything we haven't talked about that you think is really important that people understand about this that that would would really help?

我总是喜欢以这样一个观点结尾：我不认为你需要假装直到你成功。

I always like to end on the idea that I don't think you have to fake it till you make it.

我知道这现在非常流行，人们经常谈论它。

I know that that's a really popular thing right now that people talk about.

我认为假装直到你成功也没问题。

And I I think that faking it till you make it is is okay.

但我更希望你能找到自己本来就擅长的事情，并加以发挥，而不是去尝试你不擅长的事情并假装自己会。

But I'd much rather you find things you're already good at and dial that up, as opposed to trying things you're not so good at and trying to fake it.

所以我会说，做你真正擅长的事情，即使它看起来很小，也要尽可能把它做到极致。

So I would say, do what you're really good at, even if it seems like it's really small, and try to just maximize that as much as possible.

但当你不得不去一些让你感到不自在、觉得自己不属于那里的地方时，你该怎么办呢？

But when you have to go to places where you're not comfortable, you don't feel like you belong, what do you do then?

有时候，你不得不被迫进入一些超出你舒适区的情境。

Sometimes you're forced into situations that are out of your comfort zone.

同样，我会试着找到对你有效的方法。

Again, I would try to find the things that work for you.

所以，如果你必须去一个你真的很不喜欢的地方，尽量减少假装的成分，能减多少就减多少。

So if you have to go to a place that you really don't like, eliminate as much faking it as you make it and as you can.

比如，找到你真正感兴趣的话题，并随时准备好它们。

So like finding topics that you really like and having those at the ready to go.

准备好你喜爱并愿意分享的故事。

Having stories that you love to share ready to go.

确保你早点到，因为那时会安静一点，或者晚点到，这样会更容易一些。

Making sure that you get there early because it'll be a little bit quieter, or get there late so it'll be a little bit easier.

我正在尽量减少那些迫使你装模作样的机会。

I'm trying to minimize all the opportunities in that kind of forced opportunity that will make you fake it.

尽管你不喜欢用‘自信’这个词，但了解这些内容，知道你刚才说的这些，了解你书里的观点，确实能给人自信，让他们更有意愿去互动，感觉更清楚自己在做什么。

Well, even though you don't like using the word confidence, I think knowing this stuff, knowing what you just said, knowing what's in your book can give people confidence, the the ability or the willingness to to go out and interact and feel more like they know what they're doing.

范妮莎·范·爱德华兹是我们的嘉宾。

Vanessa Van Edwards has been my guest.

这本书叫《吸引：与人成功相处的科学》。

The book is called captivate the science of succeeding with people.

节目说明中提供了这本书的链接。

There is a link to it in the show notes.

谢谢你，范妮莎。

Thanks, Vanessa.

哦，我很感激。

Oh, I appreciate that.

非常感谢你给我时间和空间，也谢谢大家的收听。

Thank you so much for for giving me the space and the time, and thanks everyone for listening.

当他们年轻时，这支被称为石狼的精英突击队曾反抗克雷特罗坎帝国的压迫统治，该帝国占领并主宰了银河系大多数宜居星球。

When they were young, the five members of an elite commando group nicknamed the stone wolves raged against the oppressive rule of the Crateroccan Empire, which occupies and dominates most of the galaxy's inhabited planets.

狼群为自由而战，但最终失败，留下无数尸体。

The wolves fought for freedom, but they failed, leaving countless corpses in their wake.

战败且心灰意冷，他们放下武器，各奔东西，都希望在充满暴力与压迫的宇宙中寻得一丝宁静。

Defeated and disillusioned, they hung up their guns and went their separate ways, all hoping to find some small bit of peace amidst a universe thick with violence and oppression.

在他们巅峰四十年后，每个人都在努力求生、勉强谋生，但一位旧友不愿让他们放下过去，他们的死敌也同样不肯罢休。

Four decades after their heyday, they each try to stay alive and eke out a living, but a friend from the past won't let them move on, and neither will their bitterest enemy.

《石狼》是作家斯科特·西格勒创作的银河足球联盟科幻系列的第十一季。

The stone wolves is season 11 of the Galactic Football League science fiction series by author Scott Sigler.

你可以将其作为独立故事欣赏，也可以从第一季《新兵》开始，完整收听整个银河足球联盟系列。

Enjoy it as a stand alone story or listen to the entire GFL series beginning with season one, the rookie.