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我最怀念的一件事，就是年轻人。
Think one of things I miss most is young people Yeah.
他们工作能力特别强。
Who are good at their jobs.
是的。
Yeah.
你刚认识他们的时候，他们刚毕业不久，或者类似的情况。
And who you met when they were first out of college or something like that.
前几天我跟一个制片人聊了聊。
Like, I was talking to one of my producers the other day.
他在我这儿干了二十一年，刚来的时候才二十一岁。
He's worked for me for twenty one years, he started working for me when he was 21.
简直难以置信。
Unbelievable.
天哪。
Jesus.
他真的很棒。
And he's great.
他确实很棒。
He's great.
但他完全不了解其他行业的运作方式。
But he has no idea what the rest of the business is like.
他没意识到这根本不是娱乐圈。
He doesn't realize that this is not show business.
是的。
Yeah.
他这二十一年几乎一直在非娱乐圈工作，虽然也不完全是。
He's actually he spent 21 years in almost entirely, but not completely not in show business.
是的。
Yeah.
我们这儿算是娱乐圈和非娱乐圈的交界处。
So you We're a crossroads of show business.
我们跟娱乐圈不一样。
We aren't like show business.
对。
Yeah.
劳伦曾经告诉我，史蒂夫……
Lauren once told me that Steve
马丁，迈克尔·马丁。
Martin Michael Martin.
是的。
Yeah.
史蒂夫·马丁跟他说过，要是你退休了，就再也不会跟年轻人混在一起了。
Steve Martin said to him when he was like, he goes, Steve was like, you know, if if you retire, you know you don't hang out with young people anymore.
他身边就都是和他同龄的人。
He's like, it's just people my age.
就这么回事。
It's like, that's it.
他说，你之所以跟年轻人混，是因为你干这行。
Like, he goes, they're you you only hang out with young people because you have this job.
你平时周二根本不会跟一帮三十岁的人一起吃饭。
Like, you're not having dinner on Tuesday with like a bunch of 30
的年轻人。
year olds.
我们这儿，
Here We're we are
跟那情况很接近。
very close to that.
这是《突击队》第13集，
This is unlucky episode 13 of
Strike Force
Strike Force
我们也不知道倒了什么霉。
We what the bad luck is.
好的。
Okay.
哦，开始录了。
Oh, rolling.
行，今天我们有吉米·法伦，有约翰·奥利弗，还有赛斯·梅耶斯，我是吉米·金莫尔，今晚的主角，史蒂芬·科尔伯特。
Alright, well we got Jimmy Fallon, we got John Oliver, we've got Seth Meyers, I'm Jimmy Kimmel, and the man of the hour, Mr.
史蒂芬·科尔伯特。
Stephen Colbert.
史蒂芬·科尔伯特，一位嘉宾。
Stephen Colbert, a client.
非常感谢，真的非常感谢。
Thank you very much, very, very much.
而且
And
在开始之前，我也要感谢我们的赞助商Mint Mobile，他们向史蒂芬支持的慈善机构‘世界中央厨房’捐赠了一笔可观的款项。
I also, before we begin, I wanna thank our sponsor Mint Mobile, who has made a sizable donation to World Central Kitchen, Stephen's preferred charity.
过去几个月里，他一直在为世界中央厨房筹款。
He's been raising money for World Central Kitchen over the last couple of months.
通过拍卖物品，现在你仍然可以
Auctioning off the items, and you can still
到底是什么东西卖得最高？
get What do same went for the most?
你觉得什么卖得最多？
Do think went
是你的最后一场演出的门票吗？
for the Tickets to your last show?
是的。
Yep.
卖了多少钱？
How much?
十一万美元。
$110,000.
两个，怎么
Two How
你现在感觉怎么样？
are you feeling right now?
我们现在是什么情况？
What are we right now?
你和我，我们都参加了倒数第八场演出。
Are, you and I, we were all on the eighth to last show.
换句话说，以前还有八场，现在只剩七场了。
Like in other words, we had eight more shows, now we have seven more shows.
天哪。
Jeez.
哇。
Wow.
还剩七场。
Seven more shows.
是的
Yeah.
你明白了吗？
Is it sinking in?
你已经意识到了吗？
Has it sunk in?
对，没错，确实如此。
Oh, yeah, yeah.
这真的太真实了，真的。
It's super real, yeah.
已经完全明白了。
It's sunk all the way.
已经完全明白了，真的。
It's sunk all, yeah.
我其实已经完全理解了Intuit。
I have sunk in Intuit actually.
对了，那其实是
By the way, that's
如果真有这种情况，你肯定会说不，而且我们
If such a you'd have been like, no, and we
那么，这里到底发生了什么？怎么就沉下去了？
like, So what happened here in sunken?
不是，我的意思是，我之前说过，那种情绪的浪潮已经涨到我的下巴了，现在唯一能做的就是深吸一口气，拼命往前游。
No, it's I've I've What I've said is that the emotion has The rising tide of emotion has reached my chin, and now the only thing to do is like take a deep breath and like swim like hell Yeah.
到5月21日。
To May 21.
你和员工之间的情绪互动，有没有让每晚的演出变得更难坚持？
Has the Have the emotional exchanges you've had with your staff made it more difficult to put the show on every night?
我说的是情绪本身，不是情绪互动。
I would say the emotion, not the emotional exchanges.
我和员工的情绪互动，通常都是演出之后才发生的。
The emotional exchanges I tend to have after the show.
对。
Mhmm.
因为白天根本没必要让情绪影响自己。
It's because there's no use to having human emotions during the day.
谢谢。
Thank you.
我一直在说，你只需要把情绪抛在工作流程之外。
I've said that all All the time, you gotta do is just push that beyond the work process.
你可以把一切按下暂停，直接埋头往前冲。
You can shut shit down and just barrel to the grave.
哦，我有个开关。
Oh, I got a switch.
我能在心里把它切换一下。
I can flip in my heart.
关掉它。
Turn it off.
我甚至能眼睁睁看着你们慢慢死去。
And I could watch any of you die slowly.
这正是我想说的。
That's what I'm talking about.
你把工作的那种状态带回家了。
And you bring that work energy home.
我真没想到他能喊出那么高的音。
I didn't think he was capable of screaming that high.
是的。
Yes.
不，我确实有个开关。
No, I do have a switch.
不，我真的有个开关，可以关掉。
No, do actually have a switch I can turn off.
就像我生活中遇到糟心事时，也得硬着头皮上台演出，因为必须得把戏演完。
Like I've had to do the show when shitty things have happened in my life, because you gotta do the show.
我是真的特别认同‘演出必须继续’这句话。
That's, I mean, I'm a big fan of The Show Must Go On.
不是因为有什么合同压着我，或者有刀悬在头上，而是因为这就是我的本行——演戏。
Not because the show must go on like there's some contractor, some sword over my head, but because that's what I do, shows.
演出自己想继续，它非得发生不可。
And the show's gonna, the show wants to happen.
我也想参与这场演出。
And I wanna be part of the show.
正因如此，才能撑过去。
So that kinda gets you through it.
你确实是在身体快撑不住的时候，还照常演了场演出。
You did literally do a show while your body was trying to kill you as well.
你说得对，你确实演了。
Mean, you did do
一场演出。
a things.
我快不行了。
I was dying.
你当时根本就是在中毒。
You were just being poisoned.
我的身体里全是爆裂阑尾溢出的胆汁。
My body was filling up with bile from my burst appendix.
是的。
Yeah.
没错。
That's true.
确实发生过。
That did happen.
确实发生过。
That did happen.
没错。
That's true.
那确实发生了。
That did happen.
我的阑尾破裂了，但我那晚 actually 演了两场。
My appendix burst, and I did two shows actually.
那晚我连着演了两场。
It was a two show night.
我演了两场，演到一半的时候，简直要命。
I did two shows, and when the Holy.
中场休息时，制作人会站在我和观众之间，好让我偷偷哭，又不被观众看见。
In commercial breaks, my producers would stand between me and the audience, so I could weep without seeing Yeah.
不被观众看到。
Without being seen by the audience.
这从来都不是
Which is Never
好兆头。
a good sign.
观众其实不太想笑，因为他们会在意，这也是原因之一，他们关心我们的感受。
The audience doesn't feel like laughing much, because they care about, that's one of things, they care about how we feel.
真的吗？
They do?
如果你看起来病恹恹的或者受伤了，那肯定帮不上忙。
If you like look sick or hurt, it doesn't help.
对。
No.
你的那个是明显破裂了。
And yours audibly burst.
我记得当时声音特别大，是的。
It was like a very loud sound I remember, yeah.
就像那样。
Like that.
还挺好笑的。
It was kind of funny.
声音喜剧。
Sound comedy.
我下台了。
I got off.
那真是个搞笑的阑尾炎。
It was a funny appendix.
是的，没错。
Yeah, yeah.
你知道吗
You know
最妙的是，带着破裂的阑尾连演两场，以后你团队里谁都不敢再装病请假了。
what the best thing about that, doing two shows with a burst appendix, is no one on your staff can call in sick ever again.
对，没错。
Yeah, yeah.
没错。
That's right.
绝不可能。
Never.
我挺过意不去的。
I feel bad.
真的吗？
Really?
好像我就是那个阑尾一样。
Like I was the appendix
你觉得丹内洛会吗？
think Danello would.
你觉得丹内洛现在还会吗？
Think Danello still would.
有点麻烦。
Bit of a headache.
是啊，没错，确实如此。
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
还没到要死的地步，也不是马上要死，就是喉咙有点痒
Not dying, not actively dying, Taking little tickle
在喉咙里发痒。
in the throat.
是啊，这种感觉肯定很难受。
Yeah, that must be tough kind of thing.
喉咙里一阵阵发痒。
Little tickle in the throat.
埃薇一直劝我，凯文，埃薇说，你得去医院。
Evie kept on, Kevin Evie said, you're gonna go to the hospital.
我当时就想，我就想，就是控制不住地发抖。
I'm like, I'm just gonna, I just, I just, I couldn't stop shaking.
我得了种叫里格斯的症状，是败血症引起的，全身肌肉都忍不住抽搐，完全没法控制。
I had what's called Riger's, which is a shake you get from blood poisoning, where every muscle in your body starts twitching, and you have no control over it.
你最不想让情况影响到膈肌。
What you want is not to reach your diaphragm.
是的。
Yeah.
我当时正要睡觉，她却说你得去医院。
So I was gonna go to sleep, and she's like, you're gonna go to the hospital.
我说不用，我马上回家，结果车开到医院门口，因为她叫了司机，我就直接去了医院。
And I said, no, was coming home, and then I pulled up in front of the hospital, because she called my driver, I was just taking the hospital.
她在那里等我，他们给我打了吗啡。
And she met me there, and they gave me morphine.
那感觉真是太好了。
It was the best.
我不是说要过这种生活，但就算她阑尾炸了，也值了，至少让我明白了……
And I don't, like not as a lifestyle, but it was worth having her appendix burst just to know Do you think you'll what
你现在都闲着了，是不是更想多用点吗啡？
do more morphine now that you're Time.
你基本上已经不工作了？
Essentially out of work?
我再告诉你一件事，这事儿有点认真，我以前打算退休后大喝一场。
I will tell you something else, this is semi serious, is that I had big plans to drink a lot.
哦。
Oh.
就是等我退休那天。
Whenever I retired.
是的。
Yeah.
只要不是每天坐这趟火车的时候。
Know, whenever I wasn't on this train that we're on every day.
我这酒量也没见长进。
I haven't gotten so bad at it.
我现在61岁了，喝一杯，第二天就彻底垮了。
I'm at 61 now, and I have one drink, and the next night I'm a wreck.
我还以为年纪大了，酒量会越来越好呢。
I thought I'd get better as I got older.
是的。
Yes.
我更糟了。
I'm much worse.
毒品又回来了。
Drugs are coming back.
吗啡的问题是，你不会留那么久的后遗症。
The thing with morphine is you don't have that long hangover.
我可不想教你该怎么生活。
Yeah, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life.
尤其是第二天你还再吃一点吗啡的时候。
Especially if the next day you take a little more morphine.
没错。
That's right.
现在我得说，吗啡也能当导师。
Now I should say there is morphine as a sponsor.
他们正在提供一万美元给
They're giving $10,000 to
世界中央吗啡。
World Central Mint morphine.
真美味。
Delicious.
是的。
Yeah.
真美味。
Delicious.
但过去几个月，你有没有厌倦了别人总问你问题？
But are you tired of yourself, of people asking you questions in the past couple months?
有点像大四学生。
A little bit like a college senior.
对。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
那你接下来有什么安排？
Like, so what do you got lined up?
对。
Yep.
你最近在忙什么？
What are you doing?
嗯哼。
Mhmm.
我在做美国教育先驱项目。
I'm doing Teach For America.
好多是啊。
A lot of Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
我就是一直说，我也不知道怎么回事。
A lot of I got I got I got I'm like, I don't know.
这个节目占满了我全部的精力。
This show takes all of my mind.
每天我差不多95%的脑子都在想这档节目。
Like, 95% of my mind every day to do this show.
节目没结束前，我其实也说不准。
Until it's over, I don't really know.
我参加过一些会议，跟不少人聊得挺愉快的。
I've had meetings, like I've had some really nice meetings with people.
我们想当Go Business的CEO，对方就说，这主意真不错。
Like we wanna be the CEO of Go Business, and they're like, that's wonderful.
那是什么？
What is that?
你能告诉我吗？你愿意去CBS的爱德·沙利文剧院做《深夜秀》吗？因为这就是我干的行当。
Could you tell me, please, do you wanna do The Late Show on CBS at the Ed Sullivan Theater, because that's the business I'm in.
没错。
Exactly.
你觉得那些可能是Baby Doll请来的专业演员吗？
You And think those are probably paid actors that Baby Doll hired?
或者
Or
Evie。
Evie.
或者可能是Evie想这么做的。
Or Evie wanted to.
我不想去问到底是哪一个。
I don't wanna ask which one.
那样子太像刻板印象里的卡通角色了。
That's someone's looking cartoon stereotype.
他们是不是
Were they
在切东西的时候
chopping on
当时在抽雪茄吗？
a cigar at the time?
他们是。
They were.
我们想上斯蒂芬·科尔伯特的节目。
We wanna be in the Stephen Colbert.
他愿意买账。
He's buying it.
对。
Yeah.
我正在
I'm
听完整个内容感觉非常好，充分体现了这个播客的多元性。
listening Doing to what this all together is very nice, and really speaks to the diversity of the podcast.
是的，没错
Yes, yeah,
我
for I
我觉得他们的视频，就是这样，没错。
think their video, like that, Sure.
只是那种安抚感，还有这种销售方式
Just the soothes and this sell this
约翰，你是那个白人。
John, you're the white guy.
对。
Yeah.
没错，我的确是最白的那个人
Yeah, I mean I'm certainly the whitest guy
那就是看起来的样子
in That's the what it looks
就是这样。
like.
这个人疯了。
This is the mad man.
我们这是在爱尔兰吗？
We're in heavens Irish?
德国？
German?
爱尔兰？
Irish?
对，像是东欧的。
Yeah, like Eastern European.
东欧的？
Eastern European?
德国或者东欧的。
German, Eastern European.
德国人真的以为
They the Germans really thought
更多是那样，所以我
more of that, so I've
约翰说，咱们就说不是德国的吧。
John, sharing will say, let's just say not German.
东欧的大部分地方，这一点必须非常清楚。
So much of Eastern Europe had to be so clear about that.
但不是德国那部分。
Just not the German part.
是的，英语。
Yeah, English.
英语。
English.
纯正的英语。
English to the bone.
意大利和爱尔兰血统。
Italian Irish.
意大利和爱尔兰？
Italian Irish?
爱尔兰血统。
Irish.
这下清楚了吧。
There you go.
提到德国祖先时，大家都会说，哎呀，要是真是德国人，事情就简单多了。
Ancestors, when you said German, were like, oh, that would have made things a lot easier.
斯蒂芬，你做完之后周一有什么安排？
Stephen, what's your plan for Monday after you're done?
那是阵亡将士纪念日。
That's memorial that's memorial day.
那个周末，我儿子在18号或19号大学毕业。
The weekend, that weekend, my son graduates college on the eighteenth or the nineteenth.
星期一是几号？
What's Monday?
十九号？
The nineteenth?
我觉得是2020年，不对。
I think '20 no.
十八号。
Eighteenth.
我儿子十八号大学毕业。
My son graduates college on the eighteenth.
我的节目二十一号结束。
My show ends on the twenty first.
我兄弟二十三号结婚。
My brother gets married on the twenty third.
真厉害。
Wow.
我夹在几件更重要的事情中间，得有点儿大局观才行。
I'm kind of sandwiched between things that are like a little more important, like, you know, a little perspective.
然后我们回来的时候，得把办公室清一清。
And then we come back, I'm cleaning out the office.
反正咱们得赶紧把东西都搬走。
I like, know, just gotta we gotta get our shit out of here.
那晚之后，谁都没了工作，大家都一样。
Like, we're all, like no one's got a job after that night.
我觉得第二天所有人就都被辞了。
I think the next day everyone's fired.
我不觉得会这样，真的吗？
Like I don't think there's Oh really?
我觉得可能摄制组还能留点时间收拾场地，但所有工作人员都得走光。
I don't think there's, I think maybe the crew has some time to clear out, like the studio, or the staff all has to be gone.
以前莱特曼的节目也是这样吧？
Think that That was the scene with Letterman too, right?
是的，莱特曼第二天他们就把他赶出去了。
Yeah, Letterman literally the next day they throw
把他的东西全扔了。
his outside.
帽子。
Hat
是啊，他们把他帽子也扔了，那天是周四。
Yeah, they threw his hat He's on Thursday.
不过我们所有人都得在下一个周五之前搬空。
But no, we're all we all have to be out by the next Friday.
他走了。
He left.
他走到外面，看见东西正被
He went outside and saw stuff going
扔进垃圾桶，都是他节目的道具。
in the dumpster from his set.
不过挺好的，他们从这件事里吸取了教训。
Well, it's cool it's cool they learned a lesson from that.
你们必须在一周内搬离。
You have to be out in one week's time
整个大楼都要清空。
of the whole building.
我觉得布景可能有更多时间收拾，或者摄制组能多留一阵，但我觉得他们马上就要开始拆了。
I think I think the set has longer, or the crew has time to wrap, but I think they're gonna start tearing shit out immediately.
我知道我的团队不会第二天就走，工资还会照发。
I I know my staff is not paid like the next day, like they're out.
真的吗。
Wow.
然后东西都已经打包好了。
Then, and so already packed.
我的办公室早就收拾好了。
I've already packed my office.
这栋楼就要变成斯蒂芬的万圣节主题了。
And this is gonna be a Stephen Halloween, this building.
不是幽灵。
Not a spirit.
不是，我觉得是这样。
No, think it's Yeah.
巴尔在搞这个。
Ball is doing that.
天哪。
Oh my gosh.
这里要改造成机库，他们要把飞机堆在舞台上。
It's gonna be a hangar, they're gonna stack the planes on the stage.
是Spirit Halloween那种，飞机们打扮成其他航空公司的样子。
It's spirit Halloween where the airplanes dress up like other airlines.
哦，原来如此。
Oh, see.
明白了。
See.
对。
Yep.
这其实是个
That's actually
正经事。
a thing.
这个 Strike Force Five 会聊很多关于你的事。
This this will talk a lot about you for this Strike Force Five.
咱们就不能聊点更有趣的吗？
Couldn't we talk about something more interesting?
是的。
Yeah.
哦。
Oh.
这一集。
Episode.
而且你还喜欢《完美》的特别版。
And also You like the special edition of Perfect.
《Strike Force Wives》要回归了。
Strike Force Wives are coming back.
哦，是前传啊。
Oh, For a prequel.
是的。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
所以我得说，凯特就在我来之前进来了。
So I will say, Kate walked in just before I came
那些是谁做的，约翰？
to Who did those ones, John?
吉米给我发了消息，我觉得我理解对了，那种感觉就是母爱。
Jimmy texted me, and I think I got it right, and it was that same feeling of mother.
不对。
No.
不对。
No.
不对。
No.
这个更好。
This one's much better.
好的。
Okay.
我觉得是这样。
I think.
对。
Yeah.
不过说实话，你上次表现得特别自信。
But I will say you was you were really confident last time, to be fair.
但我问这个是因为，我们所有人共同的一点是
But with this is everyone's why I asked because the one thing we all
都有
have
一个共同点，那就是
in I'm common with
好妻子。
great wives.
我刚问的时候，脑子里闪过了
I'm get flashing I asked
没人觉得问题出在妻子身上。
Nobody thinks the problem is the wives.
没错。
No.
没人觉得这是问题所在。
Nobody thinks that's the problem.
到底哪里出了错之类的。
What went wrong or anything.
我觉得伊芙可能是问题的一部分。
I think Evie might be part of the problem.
根本不是主持人的问题，是制片人的问题。
It's not even the host, it's the producer.
我本来想提一下我的
I wanted to throw my
你主持得其实很好，就是制作得太差了。
You actually host it really well, you just produced it terribly.
对。
Yeah.
这一期我觉得我做得特别到位。
This one This one I think I nailed it.
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我现在跟谁说话呢？
Who am I talking to now?
是制片人还是主持人？
The producer or the host?
你觉得呢？
Who do you think?
我本来以为是制片人，不过
I was giving out producer, but
那个是主持人。
that was host.
我想找制片人问问，他有没有兴趣
I wanted to talk to the producer and ask him if he wants to be
加入斯蒂芬·科尔伯特的团队。
in the Stephen Colbert business.
那是什么？
What is that?
这是什么？
What is this?
那是胡子。
That's a mustache.
对。
Yeah.
所以就像在这个
So like in this
现在这年头，我觉得只要看到小胡子，你就知道那是假的。
this day and age, I think when the mustache shows up, you know it's a fake thing.
我们以前只给希特勒画过那个。
We only ever did that for Hitler.
你要是画那个，那就
You do that, that's just
没门。
a No.
不，不，这是假的
No, no, this is a fake
这种想法。
mindset.
真的吗？
Do
你当真？
you really?
这
This
是希特勒。
is Hitler.
这确实是希特勒。
This is Hitler.
哦，手指太长了。
Oh, the finger's too long.
哦，那是希特勒。
Oh, that is Hitler.
那是谁？图尔卡西斯·希特勒。
That's what, Tulkasys Hitler.
嘘。
Shh.
不是这样的。
Not like that.
不，不，不。
No, no, no.
要直的。
Straight.
不，这个是我模仿我爸爸。
No, that's, this is me doing my dad.
这完全说不通，但你要是看了，还挺搞笑的。
This makes no sense, but if you're watching it, it's funny.
是的
Yeah.
我女儿小时候，我们去哪儿，那时我刚有点名气。
When my daughter was a little girl, we'd be in some place, I was just beginning to get famous.
她看到有人认出我，就会抬手，用手指指过去。
She'd see some people noticing me, and she'd reach up, and she'd put her finger up there.
她会说，
She goes,
哦，好啦，爸爸，你现在没事了。
oh, okay, dad, you're okay now.
哇哦。
Wow.
没人认得出来。
No recognize.
伪装。
Disguise.
天啊，你上嘴唇好冷。
God, your upper lip is cold.
不好意思啊，兄弟。
Sorry, bud.
真的吗？
Really?
你上嘴唇总是冰凉的？
Do you have a cold upper
上嘴唇。
lip?
上嘴唇。
Upper lip.
他用冰敷，但之后
He ices it, but after
会肿起来吗？
Well, it swells up?
会肿起来。
Swells up.
会干瘪下去。
Dries up.
我之前做了一些治疗，所以现在。
I had some I had some work done, and so I'm
还在肿吗？
still swelling?
不，没有。
Well, no.
他们说，如果温度超过55度，整张脸
They say if it gets over 55 degrees, the whole face
就会开始下垂。
just starts to sag.
直接往下耷拉，像冰川崩塌一样。你每年都在加一圈吗？
Just sheers off like Are a calving you adding a ring every year?
不是，那就像那种
No, that's like one of those
极光环。
Or aurora rings.
你确实
You do
自己上阵了，看到你开心我也很高兴
come up yourself, and I'm happy that you're happy
这事儿
with
挺好的。
it.
那是什么？
What's that?
对，所有活儿都是我干的。
Yeah, I did all the work.
我全都自己做的。
I did all
我的面部护理也是自己弄的。
my facial work myself.
等等，你不是应该把那个戒指戴在手指上吗？
Wait, you're supposed to put that ring on your fingers?
我把我的戴在了阴茎上，是的。
I put mine on my penis, yeah.
哦，你也是啊，明白了。
Oh, you too, okay.
我的血压高得吓人。
My blood pressure was off through the roof.
我觉得你刚才那个自嘲的笑话挺有意思的。
I mean, I feel like that's a great joke you just made about yourself.
你知道吗
You know what
塞思，我真想听听你读一下Ora Rings的内容。
Seth I'd love to hear the Ora Rings reading.
听起来就像在围观别人一样。
It's just heard like people watching.
吉米说，哦，你把那个戴在手指上了？
This is Jimmy said, oh, you put that on your finger.
你知道吗，塞思之前在化妆间做了一件事，我觉得这特别像是节目主持人才会做的。
You know what Seth did earlier in the dressing room that I feel like is particularly only to hosts of shows?
哦，
Oh,
对。
yeah.
我们开始聊一些不想让别人听到的事，而且当时根本没开麦克风。
We started talking about something we didn't want other people to hear, and we weren't even miked.
塞思下意识地做了个动作，就像宣誓效忠一样，掩盖他的尴尬。
Reflexively, Seth, almost like pledge of allegiance to cover his problem.
我的麦克风本来该在哪儿
Where my mic would've I
如果不是在剧院或录音棚，而是在婚礼之类的地方，我就会这么做。
will do that when I'm not in a theater, not at a studio, I'm at a wedding or something, I'll go.
我跟你说啊。
I'll tell you what.
是的。
Yeah.
我经常这么做。
Do it all the time.
我们会压低声音，顺便说一句，每次这么做的时候，大概也没人听得见，不过……
You cover, yeah, and by the way, each time we do it, we're not being heard probably, but
对，确实如此，这招不错。
Oh yeah, that's true, that's good.
顺便说一句，有趣的是，要是你真能听清楚就好了。
Should stop doing By the way, the funny thing would be if you heard it great.
是的。
Yeah.
原来这么长时间以来，它一直都在起作用。
So it turned out all this time and that was working.
我觉得你确实听得清楚，因为是通过胸口传过来的。
I think you do hear it great, because it's hearing it through your chest.
塞思说了些非常种族主义的话，然后他直接把手放在了
Seth was saying some very racist things, and he just put his hand right on
那个，我当时就知道要
the And I knew to
中间盖住它。
middle cover it.
是的。
Yeah.
这是在表现爱国吗？
Shows patriotism?
为了表示他的爱国情怀，没错。
To show his patriotism, yes.
这真是太贴切了。
It's so appropriate.
别轻信
Don't trust
打呼噜的事儿我就不多说了，但我真不想提
snoring about certain, but I don't wanna get
进去是因为
into because
这就是为什么
that's how
我们常说
we say
我当时捂住了，但我觉得把手放在心口上，能让人清楚地感受到我是认真的。
I covered it, but I do feel like putting my hand over my heart makes people clear that I mean it.
我之前提到过底部
Bottom of I talked about
在
it in
音频团队那里。
audio guys.
他穿着那种分趾鞋，就是那种鞋，你懂的？
He was wearing one of those shoes that separate the toes, you know those shoes?
对，没错，确实。
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
这人当时在表演一个小段子，然后他
This guy was doing some bit, and he
进来安麦克风，我就觉得挺有意思，你居然穿着
came in to put the mic on, and then I go, interesting, you're wearing
这双鞋。
the shoes.
他说，这简直太棒了。
He goes, it's the best.
他说，对他的背有帮助。
He goes, helped my back.
我以前有背痛的问题，现在好了，我就说，
I had back problems, now I don't have I go,
他说，确实很舒服，特别好。
he goes, yeah, they're so comfy, they're great.
我参加我兄弟的婚礼时穿了。
I warned my brother's wedding.
他一走，我就说，
And he left, I go,
绝对不行，肯定把兄弟的婚礼给毁了。
hell no, probably ruined his brother
穿着那双滑稽的鞋子，背也没见好。
wearing those ridiculous shoes, and it didn't help his back.
我的意思是，别开玩笑了，这可是我的朋友指着麦克风跟我说，其实它们看起来也没那么差。
I mean, give me a break, this is the And my friend pointed at the microphones, I'm like, but they looked not bad,
他说他当时想画点什么。
and he was like, he was trying to draw
在纸上倒退着画，其实就是想说点好听的。
backpedaling on a piece of paper, like backpedal to say something nice.
我当时就觉得，自己彻底被识破了。
I'm like, I totally got busted.
他可能遇到了地球上最有趣的人。
He might have met the most interesting human being on earth.
对。
Yeah.
那个穿了那双鞋的人。
Someone who wore those
绝对是绝妙的鞋子。
absolute Brilliant shoes.
那双鞋穿在背上真是惨不忍睹。
Horror show of shoes for their back.
我猜他应该不是婚礼团队的人。
I'm guessing he wasn't in the wedding party.
没错。
Right.
我真想听听那啪啪声。
I would have loved to hear the sound slap
啪啪啪地
slap slap as
响起来的时候。
it comes
啪叽一声。
up.
踩出水花声。
Squishing.
对。
Yeah.
我记得当时我们做白天档节目，有一天阿西夫·曼比突然出现了，他是记者，我还没看到那双鞋，先听到了啪嗒啪嗒的声音。
I remember when we were the day show, Asif Mamby turned up one day, he was a correspondent, and I heard the slapping before I saw the shoes.
他走到办公室，大家立刻意识到会议得停下来。
He walked to his office, and there was an immediate sense of the meeting has to stop.
赶紧把他弄出去。
Had to take take Get him out
从建筑物上。
of the building.
现在正把他身上的东西扯下来。
Fucking things off him right now.
没错。
Absolutely.
他们把那些东西剥了下来。
And they peeled them off.
那种自信，没错。
To the the confidence Yes.
你敢走进一个满是喜剧作家的地方，还穿着拖鞋晃悠，觉得这没问题？
To walk into a place where comedy writers are with those on your feet and think that that's okay?
不可能。
No.
当你理了个糟糕的发型，你不会穿着这样去办公室。
When you get a bad haircut, you can't go into the
跟喜剧演员一起进办公室？
office with a comedian.
没错。
That's right.
你得说，我周围全是喜剧演员。
You go, I'm surrounded by comedians.
我连开玩笑都不能这么干。
I can't even do this as a goof.
他们会把事情搞砸的
They're gonna destroy
这种教训根本没必要去经历
It's a lesson you shouldn't even have to learn.
没错
That's right.
我们有个编剧，迈克·斯库林斯，曾经穿着背心去
One of our writers, Mike Scullins, wore a tank top to
上班？不行。
work No.
在
In the
每次我们在节目里提到他时，
And it's literally now, every time we mention him in
用的都是他穿背心的那张照片。
the show, the photo was him in the tank top.
对。
Yep.
哦，是的。
Oh, yes.
我见过那张照片。
I've seen that.
真的，那天正好是编辑开会，大家当时都
Literally, it was like a writer's meeting day, like just everybody was
就像他当时没想吗？
like He didn't think?
那你当时是怎么想的呢？
But what did you think?
他说，嗯，我跟我的团队在一起。
He goes, well, said, I'm with my people.
大家
Everyone
彼此关心，哪怕穿个背心也没关系
loves each other, and they'll take care of can wear a tank
他们会照顾我的。
top to They'll take care of me.
是的。
Yeah.
再没有比在
There's no more permanent mistake than a mistake in
电影里犯的错更难挽回的了。
a movie.
没有谁比在一群喜剧演员面前表演的喜剧演员承受的压力更大。
There's no, no one gets ridden harder than a comedian in a room with other comedians.
以前在第二城市剧院，只要有人做了任何有点可笑的事，我们大家就会这样，因为我们要‘骑’他。
The symbol we used to have for it at Second City, someone did anything that was in any way mockable, is that the rest of us would go like this, because we were gonna ride the ball.
这就像一场牛仔竞技表演。
It's a rodeo.
你打算怎么
What are you gonna
处理你的西装呢？
do about your suits?
你会把所有的都带走吗？
Will you take them all?
一开始他们说我不准拿走任何一件。
Originally they said I couldn't have any of them.
真的吗？
They did?
是的，他们说我不准拿走任何一件西装。
Yeah, they said I couldn't have any of my suits.
什么？
What?
后来我们说，那就把它们全部捐给慈善机构吧。
And then we said, well we're just gonna sell them for charity.
是的。
Yeah.
然后他们
And they
说，行，可以这么做。
went, okay, can do that.
接着他们又说，好吧，你可以把你的西装拿走。
And then they said, alright, you can have your suits.
我不是说要把它们随便送人，不是分给一大群人。
So I don't mean I'm giving them away, like I'm giving away to a bunch of people.
我是想让我那几个小伙子来试穿几套西装。
I'm trying to get my boys to come in and get fitted for some suits.
对，当然。
Yeah, sure.
到现在我已经有了十八套礼服。
And I got like 18 tuxedos at this point.
真的吗？
Really?
哇哦。
Wow.
因为我每次都会买一件新礼服。
Because I get a new tuxedo every time.
咱们办个盛大的派对，大家都穿你的礼服。
Let's have a nice party, and we'll all wear your tuxedos.
是的，没问题。
Yeah, sure.
好主意。
Okay, that's a great one.
我们认识18个人吗？
Do we know 18 people?
人总能找到的。
We can find people.
你总是说‘我觉得不是’。
You have a lot of I don't think so.
天啊，真是服了。
Jesus fucking Christ.
所以我才问的。
That's why I asked.
现在咱们来看看南希怎么说。
And now this is about Now let's see what Nancy said.
我手里就拿了点面包。
I got like a handful of bread.
是的。
Yeah.
我记得你最近采访奥巴马总统的时候。
I remember when when your recent interview with president Obama Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
有那么一瞬间，我很喜欢看你露出真面目，那副讨人厌的样子。
There was a small moment where the I love it when I see the the real dickish side of you come out.
他说他有个有趣的故事，然后说，咱们走着瞧。
When he said, I've got an interesting story, and he said, we'll see about that.
我早就想对嘉宾说这句话了。
Oh, I've been waiting that to say that to a guest forever.
这句话我早就准备好了。
I've had that in my pocket.
我经常对我的团队这么说。
I say that to people on my staff all the time.
他们一说‘有个有趣的故事’，我就回他们‘咱们走着瞧’。
They go, interesting story, and I go, we'll see.
他居然说了那句‘咱们走着瞧’，我等这一天等太久了，真没想到他会先说出来。
He sent me bomb the I've been waiting to say that to a guest forever, and I couldn't believe it.
我们正走过他图书馆里这一排排书架，到处都是……
We're walking down this row at his library of all the places like
这地方简直完美。
It's a perfect spot.
我就问了，这真的是原视频吧？他说：‘爱荷华州印第安纳波利斯的哈金牛排炸薯条是啥？’
And I said, what's the, this is the actual clip, was like, what's the Harkin steak fry in Indianola, Iowa?
他回了一句：‘有意思的故事’，我就说：‘咱们走着瞧。’
He goes, interesting story, and I said, we'll see.
他可太喜欢了。
And he loved it.
他就是我喜欢的那种人。
He was what I like.
我简直不敢相信他居然就这么说出来了。
I just love But I the couldn't believe he just delivered that.
我另一个特别喜欢的片段是，他说：‘听着，我知道，等我去世开追悼会的时候，希望给我致悼词的人能提一提我们政府的价值观之类的。’
My other favorite moment of that, he goes, listen, he goes, look, I know, you know, the date comes at my funeral, I hope whoever gives my eulogy will mention the values of whatever, like, our administration.
我说：‘这事儿我一定记着。’
I said, I'll remember to mention.
我根本没反应过来
It didn't register
说到
at to
全部。
all.
哇哦。
Wow.
你确实
You do
把所有总统的模仿都演得特别糟。
bad impressions of all the Presidents.
非常感谢。
Thank you very much.
你太
You very
很多。
much.
吉米·卡特？
Jimmy Carter?
那真是
That was
挺难的。
pretty hard.
更难了。
Was harder.
就在他们把他扔进焚化炉之前。
Right before they dumped him in the incinerator.
你生他的气吗
Were you mad
吗？
with him?
那次反应也太快了吧。
That was a little quick on that one.
我发了一张照片给家里的观众。
I sent him a picture for the people at home.
我发了张自己穿着T恤的照片，上面写着‘越穿越有Jimmy的感觉’，那件是
I sent a picture of me wearing a, the more I Jimmy, the better I feel, which was the
第一件T恤。
first t shirt.
ABC出品的第一件，也是唯一一件T恤。
The first and only t shirt ever produced by ABC.
对。
Right.
对了，你们还记得吗，我生日那会儿，你们给我买了好多东西，我收了一大堆，
By the way, you didn't, remember all, like for my birthday you guys gave me all this like, I had all this,
都是你们给我的，
you gave it to me,
所有这些纪念品。
all this memorabilia.
这代表了两个节目，但那件衬衫
It was on behalf of both of shows, but that shirt
并不在其中。
wasn't one of them.
我的更偏小众冷门。
No, mine was more arcana.
对。
Yeah.
我真的很高兴他们找到了那件。
I was, yeah, delighted that they found that.
是啊，没错。
Yeah, yeah.
那是我最后一次见到那件衬衫。
That was the last time I saw that shirt.
我去海滩的时候也会穿它。
I wear it to the beach and everything.
那件衬衫上印着一张非洲村民的照片，他们穿着写有‘我越忙，感觉越好’的T恤，就像超级碗输家那种纪念衫。
It was literally a photograph of a group of African villagers wearing shirts that said the more IJMI, the better I feel, like the Super Bowl loser t shirt.
是的，他们寄过来了。
Yeah, they sent them.
当然了。
Of course.
不知怎么的，你们的工作人员弄到了一件。
Somehow your staffer got ahold of
感觉好点了吗？
Feel better?
没有。
No.
我之前也提过，你应该知道，深夜节目里还有个叫吉米的主持人。
I will say also, I think I mentioned this the first time, was like, you understand there's another host named Jimmy on Late Night.
是的。
Yeah.
他们其实没必要见到我。
They didn't have to see me as well.
谁会去登记呢？
Who register at all?
对。
Yeah.
不过还挺大方的。
It was kind of generous, though.
因为我自己也觉得挺慷慨的。
Because I also feel Very generous.
当我想到吉米的时候。
When I Jimmy.
是的。
Yeah.
谢谢。
Thank you.
对。
Yeah.
我拿了
I took
这份功劳。
credit for it as well.
我有个问题想问你。
I've got a question for you.
不是问谁，而是有多少人，你采访完之后去后台找制作人，说再也不干了？
How many, not who, do want me to give me names, how many guests have you interviewed and then gone backstage to producers and said never again?
从没再进过后台。
Never have the back.
就给我个数字，别提名字。
Just give me a number, not a name.
是不是有两位数？
And is it double figures?
应该没到两位数。
It's probably not double figures.
好吧。
Okay.
应该没到两位数。
It's probably not double figures.
我马上能想到一个，是以前那个节目里的。
I mean, there's one immediately from the old show I can think of.
总的来说，谁上的节目最多？
I mean, altogether, who's got the most shows?
应该是你吧？
You probably, right?
我觉得是。
I think so.
将近四千场。
Close to 4,000.
天哪。
Jesus.
我两档节目加起来，大概三十三到三千四百场，嘉宾的话估计得翻倍。
I've got between the two shows, I'm 33 or 3,400, and so like double that for guests probably.
以前那个节目里，我请过一位刚离开布什政府的人，那时候他正想打响名气，主打的就是敢说真话。他上我节目时，表现得谨慎到不行。
And I had a guest on the old show, somebody who had left the Bush administration, and they were, you know, making a name for themselves out there, was like truth teller, that was their thing, so they came on my show, and they couldn't have been more anotined.
他所有回答都滴水不漏，可摄像机一关，他就说：‘我跟你说说这人有多离谱’，然后就开始大倒苦水。
They could not have been safer in all their answers, and as soon as the camera turned off, goes, I'll tell you what's fucked up about this guy, and he starts really laying it out.
你为啥不在镜头前说这些？
Why didn't you say that on camera?
你来不就是这个目的吗？
That's why you're here.
他说：‘我得在这行找份工作啊。'
He goes, well, I gotta get a job in this town.
我当时就想，这还是头一回有人这么说：这个人永远别再回来了，因为他们根本不是来表达观点或做自己的。
And I went, that's the first person who's ever said, that person can never come back, because they're not here to actually represent an idea or to be themselves.
他们只是在假装坦率地谈论政客，实际上却在装模作样。
They're being while they're supposedly talking frankly about politicians.
其实大部分都是政客。
It's mostly politicians, really.
我其实不太想请那种情景喜剧的二号男演员来，就算我以前可能和他一起在第二城市剧团待过。
I don't really like, I don't necessarily want to talk to like the second male lead on a sitcom, even though I probably want, you know, was in second city with him.
但真正让我失望的人还真不多。
But there's not many people who've truly disappointed me.
明白了。
Okay.
有没有过
Has there
我总觉得自己是专业人士，他们不是，所以我得让他们有个好的体验。
been I always feel like I'm the pro, they're not the pro, and I should make this a good experience for them.
有没有哪位嘉宾长得太好看，让你分心了？
Has there been a guest who was so attractive that you found it distracting?
我告诉你，有个人我完全没想到会让我这么心动。
I'll tell you who I did not expect to be wildly attracted to.
我当时手足无措，不是因为我特别喜欢他的作品，而是我从来没觉得他是个帅哥。
Like I didn't know what to do with myself, is that I did not, because I don't I don't I like this person's work, but I never thought of him as like a bombshell.
米歇尔·威廉姆斯第一次来的时候，我简直不知道眼睛该往哪儿放。
I could not I didn't know what to do with my eyeballs when Michelle Williams was on for the first time.
她坐在我对面，我心里直接蹦出一句：天啊，我脑子是不是出问题了？
She sat down across to me, and I went, fuck, what is wrong with my head?
整个采访过程，我都不敢直视她。
I cannot, I better not look directly at her for this entire interview.
她的气场、长相，所有的一切都让人挪不开眼。
There was something about her vibe, her face, everything.
你采访过她吗？
Have you interviewed her?
是的，她真的太美了。
Yeah, yeah, She's so beautiful.
让我想想，还有谁让我特别不自在？
Let's see who else can, who do I have trouble with?
你还在说那些特别好看的人吧？
Like, are you still talking about beautiful people, right?
对。
Yeah.
明白了。
Okay.
对。
Yeah.
我以前见到蕾切尔·薇兹就不知所措。
I used to have a Rachel Weiss problem.
没错。
Mhmm.
我已经走出来了。
I recovered.
明白了。
Okay.
每次Rachel Weiss上《每日秀》的时候，我都不敢待在屋里，怕自己一时冲动跑去跟她搭话，说些蠢话。
When Rachel Weiss would be on The Daily Show, would leave the building for fear that I would say something stupid to her.
明明心里想着，要不要就在走廊里等她，然后打个招呼说声嗨。
Even though I would like, I would feel like was I afraid I would like, stay in the hallway and go, hi.
你。
You
你当时在节目里表现得特别棒。
you were great in the
Stephen。
Stephen.
你表现得真棒。
You were great
在私人园丁那里。
in the custom gardener.
发现原来你一直喜欢她这样的类型，真有点奇怪，就凭这两个例子。
It been weird to find out that this whole time you were her type, based on these
吗？
two examples?
我给你讲个关于这个的小故事。
I'll tell you a quick story about that.
准备好了吗？
You ready?
有一次我和几个朋友一起吃饭，大家轮流说，谁是你的心动对象？
We were going around the table once to dinner with some friends of mine, and these guys were going like, so who's your hall pass?
是的。
Yeah.
就是这类话题吧。
Whatever like that.
坐在我旁边的那位哥们儿脱口而出，说帕奥莉娜·波尔茨科娃。
And the guy next to me, afraid he goes, Paulina Portskova.
那会儿正好是《科尔伯特报告》播出期间。
And this was midway through the Colbert Report.
我掏出手机，打开《人物》杂志的App，发现帕奥莉娜·波尔茨科娃就是我的梦中情人。
I pulled up my phone, opened the People Magazine app on phone, and I was Paulina Portskova's hall pass.
天哪。
Oh my god.
真不错。
That's nice.
什么？
What?
这可是我从来都没能在他面前炫耀过的本事。
That was a flex that I've never ever been able to match on this guy.
我跟你说
I'll tell
你再说说，还有谁特别有魅力？
you what, who else is wildly attractive?
你知道那个丽贝卡·弗格森吗？
Who is You know that Rebecca Ferguson?
是的。
Yeah.
哦。
Oh.
丽贝卡·弗格森。
Rebecca Ferguson.
我得说一句
I will say
采访得真好。
Great interview.
采访得真好。
Great interview.
因为她很有料。
Because she brings game.
没错。
Yes.
这一点都不意外。
This is not a surprise.
阿比都知道这些。
Abby knows all this.
她的是谁？
Who is hers?
阿比没自己的电视节目。
Abby doesn't have a TV show.
是啊，但她见过不少来这里的嘉宾。
Yeah, but she's seen the guests come here, come
走啊，我觉得是我。
walk Yeah, I think it's me.
我觉得
I think
应该是我。
it's probably me.
没错。
That's right.
你刚才说什么？
What are saying?
对。
Yeah.
蒂米，她说了什么？
Timmy, what did she say?
你到底在说什么？
What are you saying?
等等，你到底在胡说什么？
Wait, wait, what the fuck are you saying?
不对，等等，你到底在说什么？
No, no, wait, what are saying?
阿比的瑞秋·韦斯是谁？
Who is Abby's Rachel Weiss?
什么？她为什么需要这个？
What, Why would she need one?
她有肉。
She has meat.
我不明白。
I don't understand.
我喜欢这个说法背后的含义。
I like the implication of this.
是啊，你难道不觉得这个可能挺合适的吗？
Yeah, you don't think This might be a good one.
行了，把牌放下吧。
Well, put the fucking cards down.
你这话是什么意思？
What do you mean?
说实话，我们真没想让这次变成负面体验。
Seriously, we didn't mean to make this a negative experience.
我们本来是想让它变得积极一点的。
We wanted this to be positive
这个是为了
This for
这本来应该是你的专属安德鲁·加菲尔德吧？
is supposed to be your special Andrew Garfield?
是吗？
Is it?
安德鲁
Andrew
加菲尔德。
Garfield.
他真的很有魅力。
He's so attractive.
你难道一点都没觉得安德鲁……
Have you not any of And
你亲过他？
you kissed him.
哦，是啊。
Oh yeah.
他亲了我。
He kissed me.
他亲了你？
And he kissed you.
还是他亲了？他有没有……
Or he kissed Did he
倒挂着穿蜘蛛侠衣服亲的？
do it hanging upside down dressed as Spider Man?
没有，但我们的手指缠在了对方的头发里。
No, but we did get our fingers tangled in each other's hair.
感觉特别好。
It was really nice.
嘿，我们今天接吻了。
Hey, we kissed today.
没错，你们确实接吻了。
That's true, you did.
是的。
Yeah.
我觉得我要是真吻了，不可能不记得。
I think I would have remembered that.
我喝醉了吗？
How drunk I?
你走的是我回家的路。
You're in my home path.
你吻过多少个男人，你
How many men have you kissed that you
我觉得会不会是丹尼尔·克雷格，说到蕾切尔·薇兹，对艾迪来说，可能也是丹尼尔·克雷格。
don't I think it might be Daniel Craig, speaking of Rachel Weiss, for Eddie, it might be Daniel Craig.
不，这个说法不错。
No, that's a good one.
他可真有魅力。
He's a stud.
是的。
Yeah.
还行吧。
It's alright.
你有没有
Have
你们有没有和客人比过臂力？
you guys ever arm wrestled a guest?
没有。
No.
没有。
No.
我跟他、克拉斯inski，还有乔什·布洛林都比过腕力。
I've arm wrestled him and Krasinski, and Josh Brolin.
那你赢了多少场？
Big What's your record?
操。
Fuck,
零比十。
zip and 10.
零比十。
Zip and 10.
我连人选都听到了。
I even hear choices.
我甚至觉得，你应该去跟麦洛文挑战一下。
I even, well because, because think At McLovin, you should have challenged McLovin
去比腕力。
to arm wrestle.
你刚才说什么？
What'd you say?
麦洛文。
McLovin.
哦，麦洛文。
Oh, McLovin.
克里斯托弗。
Christopher
你是不是说
did you
我还以为你说‘做爱’才是个挑战呢。
I thought you said make love would be a challenge.
你们是真想跟杰·麦克拉克谈恋爱？
Like, you guys wanna make love to Jay McCrack?
约翰·克日津斯基，我跟人打过架。
John Krzyzinski, I've done Brawling.
你去上过
Did you take
臂力比赛的课吗
arm wrestling lessons at
我去上过一次。
one I did.
我去跟查德学过臂力技巧。
Took arm wrestling lessons to Chad.
因为当克拉辛斯基回来的时候，我想赢他。
Because when Krasinski was back on I wanted to beat him.
所以我开始健身，还专门去找了个专业教练，因为赢这种比赛是有窍门的。
So I started like working out, and I actually went to like one of these like professional guys, because they're tricks to win.
不只是靠蛮力。
Not all just force.
我输得最少。
I lost the least.
你输了。
You lost
那次比赛的时间。
the time.
恭喜你。
Congrats.
是的。
Yeah.
我记得你罢工期间还在上舞蹈课。
You also, as I recall, were taking dance lessons during the strike.
罢工期间我在学踢踏舞。
During the strike I was taking tap dancing lessons.
你报了几个班？
You took how many?
三个。
Three.
报了三个，然后你就放弃了？
Three, and you gave up?
是的。
Yeah.
我越来越担心你以后怎么应对退休生活。
I'm more and more worried about how you're gonna handle retirement.
对。
Yeah.
你有没有想过
Do you see Just finding out
自己其实就只是有个兴趣爱好而已。
that you have, like, just like hobby thing.
掰手腕、踢踏舞？
Arm wrestling, tap dancing?
对。
Yeah.
一时兴起搞个爱好，结果很快就放弃了。
Taking up hobbies Totally briefly and falling.
然后放弃。
Abandoning
我觉得我可能有成年版的注意力缺陷。
think I might be like an adult ADHD.
我觉得大概就是这样。
I think that might be it.
我对很多事情都会特别热情。
I get very enthusiastic about things.
我在地下室里正亲手造一艘船。
I have a boat that I'm building in my basement.
我已经花了两个小时了，这项目本来要两百个小时，但我从五月二十二号开始就全身心投入了。
And I'm two hours into it, and it's a two hundred don't hour project, and I just don't have mean, have starting May 22, I'm all in.
你完工那天能不能通知我们一声？到时候估计这船太大，根本搬不出地下室了。
Will you promise to get us on the day that you finish and realize it's too big to get out of the basement?
就是那天。
The that's
那天。
the day
我会的。
I be.
这船啊，问题是它。
The boat the thing is it's
是个充气船。
an inflatable ground.
我们每人穿一套你的燕尾服，去砸一个。
We'll each set up in one of your tuxedos to smash a
一瓶
bottle of
酒撞上去，但这船永远别想挪出去
wine against it, but boat will never leave it
没错，我想让你知道，我有多久一直在想这艘船了。2008年我们翻新房子的时候，我就量过门的尺寸，说咱们得把门改宽点，因为我打算在这儿造艘船，总得能把它弄出去吧。
right I want you to know how long I've been thinking about this boat, is that when we renovated this house in 2008, I measured the doors, and said we have to get wider doors, because I'm gonna build a boat down here, and I need to be able to get it out.
所以它总能出去的。
So it will come out.
不会的，出不去。
No it won't.
你根本不可能把这船造完。
You'll never finish that boat.
嗯，不一定
Well, not
就你这态度，别想了。
with that attitude.
我不
I don't
觉得他的态度会影响他。
think his attitude's gonna affect him.
不，会的，因为我会一直在脑子里听到，我听到的全是这个
No, will, because I'll be hearing it in my head, all I'll be hearing is this
你干得太差了。
like, you're doing a terrible job.
你干得太差了。
You're doing a terrible job.
这没用的，斯蒂芬。
It's futile, Stephen.
踢踏舞，掰手腕。
Tap dancing, arm wrestling.
对。
Yes.
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