今日一件让你更快乐的事 | 索尼娅·柳博米尔斯基

您正在收听TED每日演讲，我们每天为您带来新思想和对话，激发您的好奇心。

You're listening to TED Talks daily where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day.

我是您的主持人，伊莉丝·胡。

I'm your host, Elise Hu.

它可能是人类最渴望的情感之一——幸福。

It might be one of humanity's most sought after emotions, happiness.

然而，通往这种普遍共享的感受的旅程，常常显得遥不可及。

And yet the journey toward this universally shared feeling can often feel out of reach.

在她的演讲中，幸福科学家索尼娅·卢博米尔斯基分享了她解锁自身幸福潜力的首要秘诀。

In her talk, happiness scientist Sonia Lubomirski shares her number one hack for unlocking the potential for happiness within ourselves.

提示一下：这实际上与他人息息相关，远超我们的想象。

And hint, it actually has a lot more to do with others than we might think.

之后，我与索尼娅坐下来，深入探讨她演讲之外的内容。

Afterward, I sat down with Sonya to get beyond her talk.

请继续收听我们的对话。

Stick around after for our conversation.

我是一名幸福科学家，已经从事这一领域三十六年了。

I'm a happiness scientist, and I've been a happiness scientist for thirty six years.

在我的整个职业生涯中，我一直痴迷于探索幸福的秘诀，试图回答一个问题：任何人都能变得更幸福吗？

For my entire professional career, I've been obsessed with learning the secrets to being a happy person, with trying to answer the question, can anyone become happier?

那么，我们该如何研究这样的事情呢？

Now how do we even study something like that?

1998年，我的实验室首创了所谓的幸福干预法。

Well, in 1998, my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions.

幸福干预法是对人类参与者进行的实验。

Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants.

多年来，我们进行了数十项这样的实验，测试诸如表达感恩、行善或仅仅表现得像外向者这样的行为是否能让人更幸福。

Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments, testing whether practices like expressing gratitude or doing acts of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert make people happier.

在合适的条件下，这些方法确实有效。

And they do under the right conditions.

我和我的学生们花了数十年时间进行这些实验。

My students and I spent decades doing these experiments.

这项工作成就了我的职业生涯，但我意识到，我并没有真正倾听数据想要告诉我的信息。

This work made my career, and yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening to what the data were trying to tell me.

然后，我终于恍然大悟。

And then it finally clicked.

我突然明白，几乎所有能让我们更快乐的干预方法，其有效的原因正是它们帮助我们感受到与他人更紧密的联系和被爱。

It dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, they work precisely because they help us feel more connected to and loved by others.

因此，给我妈妈写一封感恩信，让我感受到她对我的爱；为同事做一件善事，让我与他更亲近。

So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel more loved by her, and doing an act of kindness for my colleague makes me feel closer to him.

换句话说，我学到的是：要想成为一名更好的幸福科学家，我必须成为一名爱的科学家。

In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist, I had to become a love scientist.

因为事实证明，幸福的关键在于感受到连接与被爱。

Because as it turns out, the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved.

我知道这听起来像陈词滥调，但许多深刻的理念在被提炼后确实如此。

I know that sounds like a cliche, but many powerful ideas do once you distill them.

真正的挑战与机遇在于如何将它付诸实践。

The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice.

那么，我们该如何建立联系呢？

So then how do we connect?

我们可以通过触摸、舞蹈或眼神交流来建立联系。

Well, we could connect through touch or dance or eye contact.

但说实话，在西方文化中，实际上在许多文化中，我们主要通过交谈来建立联系。

But let's face it, in Western culture, in many cultures actually, we mostly connect by talking.

然而，今天我们的社交世界存在一个问题。

Yet here's the problem with our social world today.

即使我们在交谈时，每个人周围也都有高墙。

Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us.

我们的朋友、同事、邻居，甚至家人，都被高墙隔开。

There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family.

我们建造这些高墙是为了保护自己，但它们也阻止了我们真正让任何人走进内心。

We build those walls to protect ourselves, yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in.

它们让我们无法被真正了解。

They keep us from becoming truly known.

所以，这绝对是我的第一幸福建议，我希望每个人都知道的一件事。

So this is literally my number one happiness tip, the one thing I wish everybody knew.

如果我们能被更多人了解，就会感受到更多的爱，学会以一种消除彼此隔阂的方式与人交谈。

We will feel more loved if we become more known, if we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us.

这个秘诀非常简单，但我认为其意义极其深远。

The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound.

如果你今天只做一件事来让自己更快乐，那就做这一件吧。

If you do one thing today to be happier, let it be this.

用不同于以往的方式去面对你下一次的对话。

Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before.

首先，发自内心地分享。

First, by sharing from the heart.

通过分享一些真实的自我，而不仅仅是你的高光时刻，来拆除你的围墙。

You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel.

无论与你最好的朋友、同事，还是第一次约会的对象，都要有勇气让别人看到真实的你。

Whether with your best friend, colleague, or first date, be brave enough to let others see the real you.

这里有一个简单的练习。

Here's a simple practice.

从小事做起。

Start small.

节奏非常重要。

Pacing is really important.

所以不要一开始就分享你最深的秘密或创伤。

So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma.

如果你太快深入，每个人的心理防线都会立刻重新筑起。

If you go deep too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again.

相反，一开始可以说一些真诚的话，比如‘我今天过得很糟’，而不是‘我很好’。

Instead, in the beginning, maybe say something honest, like, I've had a rough day instead of, I'm fine.

最近的研究表明，当对话更深入而非肤浅时，人们会更喜欢你。

Recent studies show that people will like you more when the conversation is deeper as opposed to shallower.

第二，当你倾听他人时，目的是为了理解而非回应，从而帮助对方放下心防。

Two, help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them in order to learn, not to respond.

放轻你的声音，好让他们的声音被听见。

Quiet your voice so theirs could be heard.

所以下次对话时，别在心里预演你的故事，试着去听，就好像明天要考试一样。

So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story, try to listen like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow.

此外，多问一个你通常不会问的问题，比如：‘那到底是什么感觉？’

Furthermore, ask one more question that you'd normally ask, like, how did that really feel?

这样的问题表明你真正与他们同在。

Such questions signal that you're right there with them.

上一次有人认真问你关于你生活的问题，是什么时候？

When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life?

这种情况很少见，但研究表明，人们渴望被问及，而那些善于提问的人更受欢迎。

It's rare, yet research shows that people yearn to be asked, and those who ask questions are better liked.

但你们可能都经历过这种情况。

And yet you've probably all had this experience.

有人对你滔滔不绝讲了一个小时，把整个人生故事都倒了出来，然后转身离开，却对你一无所知。

Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story, then walks away knowing nothing about you.

我说得对吗？

Am I right?

那不是我的意思。

That's not what I meant.

分享和倾听是手牵手的。

Sharing and listening hold hands.

如果你只分享，那就是独角戏。

If you only share, it's a monologue.

如果你只倾听，那就像是采访。

If you only listen, it's an interview.

但当你两者都做到时，奇迹才会发生。

But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.

就这样了。

And that's it.

其实就这么简单。

It's really that simple.

通过多分享一点、更深入地倾听，我们所有人

By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper, all of

都能学会拆除心中的高墙。

us can learn to take the walls down.

如果我们这样做，就会更了解彼此，感受到更多的爱，也会让身边的人感受到更多的爱。

If we do, we'll know one another better, we'll feel more loved, and we'll help the people in our lives feel more loved too.

谢谢。

Thank you.

别走开，马上回来。

Don't go away just yet.

我和索尼娅的对话马上开始。

My conversation with Sonya is coming right up.

我与索尼娅坐下来，深入了解她追求幸福的方式，以及社交媒体如何影响我们的幸福感，更多内容将在广告后立即呈现。

I sat down with Sonya to learn more about her approach to being happy, how things like social media have an impact on our ability to be happy, and so much more coming right up after a short break from our sponsors.

对于那些第一次了解你工作的人，请简单介绍一下你的背景，以及是什么最初激发了你研究幸福的兴趣？

Well, for those who might be learning about your work for the first time, tell us a little bit about your background and what initially sparked your interest in researching happiness in the first place.

嗯，我作为一名幸福科学家已经三十年了，时间很长了。

Well, I've been a happiness scientist for thirty six years, so a long time.

这一切的开始其实非常偶然。

It And was really serendipitous how it all started.

实际上，今天我就在斯坦福校园里。

Actually, today, I'm Stanford on campus.

巧合的是，这里正是这一切的起点。

Coincidentally, this is where it all started.

早在1989年，我就在这里开始了社会心理学的博士项目。

Back in the 1989, this is where I started my PhD program in social psychology.

在我项目的第一天，我见到了我的新导师。

The very first day of my program, I met with my new adviser.

他的名字叫李·罗斯，是全球冲突与谈判领域的顶尖专家。

His name is Lee Ross, and he was the world's leading expert on conflict and negotiation.

看起来这似乎和幸福毫无关系，甚至可能是幸福的反面。

Seems like it has nothing to do with happiness, maybe the opposite of happiness.

我们沿着校园散步，其中一人问了——我确定是他——幸福的秘诀是什么？

And we took a walk around campus, and and one of us asked, and I'm pretty sure it was him, what is the secret to happiness?

为什么有些人比其他人更幸福？

And why are some people happier than others?

就这样，一切开始了。

And that's how it started.

所以早在1989年，其实根本不存在幸福这一研究领域。

So back in 1989, there really was no field of happiness.

爱德·迪纳，真正开创幸福科学的人，他甚至都不称之为幸福。

Ed Diener, who's the, really the founder of the science of happiness, he actually didn't even call it happiness.

他称之为主观幸福感。

He called it subjective well-being.

当时，真正研究幸福的科学家只有一位。

So there's really only one scientist back then studying happiness.

我很高兴你提到了‘幸福’这个概念或术语，因为它被使用得太普遍了，几乎都用滥了。

I'm glad you brought up the concept or the term happiness itself because it is so commonly used that it's almost overused.

对你来说，幸福到底意味着什么？

What does happiness actually mean to you?

这是个很好的起点问题。

It is a great question to start with.

我用研究者定义幸福的方式来看待它，它实际上包含两个组成部分。

I define happiness the way that researchers define happiness, which is that it really has two components.

第一部分是，幸福的人常常会体验到积极的情绪。

The first component is people who are happy often experience positive emotions.

这可能是平静、热情、喜悦、安宁、自豪、好奇，具体取决于个人和情境。

That could be tranquility, enthusiasm, joy, serenity, pride, curiosity, so depending on the person, depending on the situation.

幸福的人会经历更多的积极情绪。

Happy people experience more positive emotions.

但这并不意味着他们时刻都在体验这些情绪。

Doesn't mean they experience them all the time.

当然，在某些情况下，负面情绪也可能是适应性和有功能的。

Of course, negative emotions can be adaptive and functional under certain circumstances.

所以这是其中一个组成部分。

So that's one component.

另一个组成部分是感到你的生活是美好的，对生活感到满意，并且正以良好的节奏朝着人生目标前进。

The other component is having a sense that your life is good, that you're satisfied with your life, that you're progressing towards your life goals at a good pace.

所以这就是两个组成部分。

So those are the two components.

我把它们称为在生活中感到快乐和对生活感到快乐。

I call them being happy in your life and being happy with your life.

你要同时拥有这两者，才能成为一个真正快乐的人。

You kinda need both of those to be a truly happy person.

对。

Right.

在你的演讲中，有一句话说你没有倾听数据想要告诉你的内容。

In your talk, there's a line where you say you hadn't been listening to what the data were trying to tell you.

数据想要告诉你什么？

What was the data trying to tell you?

你是怎么意识到自己没有在倾听的？

How did you realize that you weren't listening?

在几十年的研究之后，我们发现，几乎所有能让我们更快乐的干预措施，其有效的原因在于它们让我们感到与他人更紧密相连或被他人所爱。

After decades of of doing this, we realized that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason they work is that they make us feel more connected to or loved by others.

当我给妈妈写一封感恩信时，我感受到她对我的爱。

So when I write a gratitude letter to my mom, I feel loved by her.

我感受到她对我的爱更深了。

I feel more loved by her.

当我为朋友做一件善事时，我感到与那位朋友更亲近了。

When I do an act of kindness for a friend, I feel closer to that friend.

这就是我想表达的意思。

So that's kind of what I mean.

我其实一直没在认真倾听数据传达的信息。

I hadn't really been listening to the data.

这正是数据试图告诉我的：连接感和被爱的感觉才是幸福的关键，这听起来像是个陈词滥调，对吧？

That's really what it was trying to tell me that connection and feeling loved is the key to happiness, which sounds like such a cliche, right?

但事实确实如此。

And yet, it's true.

这是否意味着我们周围的人与我们的幸福息息相关，而我们也影响着他们的幸福？

Does that mean that those around us are connected to our happiness and we are connected to theirs?

这是否暗示了一种相互依存或一种连接网络，是幸福的前提？

Does this suggest a kind of interdependence or a web of connection that's a prerequisite for

幸福？

happiness?

这是一个有趣的问题，因为它实际上更复杂一些，因为幸福也是会传染的。

Well, that's an interesting question because it actually it's actually a more nuanced question because happiness is also contagious.

对吧？

Right?

因此，我们也会受到他人幸福和不幸的影响。

So we're also affected by other people's happiness and other people's unhappiness.

我们通常更喜欢快乐的人。

We tend to actually like happy people.

我们想和他们待在一起，部分原因就是这种传染效应。

We wanna be around them in part because of that contagion effect.

但这确实意味着，无论我们是与宠物、上帝、伴侣、朋友网络还是同事之间的连接感有多强，都会直接影响我们的整体幸福感，以及今天的幸福感。

But it certainly means that how connected we feel to others, whether it's our pets or whether it's to God or our romantic partner, our friendship networks, our colleagues, that that is absolutely going to affect our happiness overall, our happiness today.

我经常说，如果你今天想更快乐，我会给你一个建议：花点时间与他人建立联系。

I often say, I were going to give you one tip, if you want to be happier today, spend time connecting with another person.

和别人聊聊天。

Have a conversation with someone else.

可能是陌生人。

It could be a stranger.

也可能是你最好的朋友，因为这真的很有道理。

It could be your best friend because it's really and it it makes sense.

这确实是幸福的关键。

It's really the key to happiness.

从进化角度看，我们与他人保持联系确实是适应性的，对吧？

It's evolutionarily adaptive, right, for us to be in connection with other humans.

那么，反过来是否成立呢？从科学角度来说，缺乏连接是否真的会导致福祉下降？

Well, then is the opposite true, at least scientifically speaking, that without being connected, that actually leads to poor well-being?

是的。

Right.

因此，缺乏连接——顺便说一句，我们也可以谈谈不被爱的感觉、孤独感——这些都与抑郁、焦虑以及各种不良的生理健康影响相关。

So lack of connection and by the way, we could also talk about not feeling loved, can talk about loneliness is associated with depression, anxiety, all kinds of adverse physical health effects.

连接较少的人，寿命往往更短。

People who are less connected, like, don't live as long.

你甚至可以说，缺乏连接还可能与一些社会问题有关，比如两极分化、仇恨和暴力。

You could even argue that lack of connection might be associated with sort of other societal problems like polarization and hatred and violence too.

我的意思是，这正是我认为感受到被爱、感受到连接如此重要的原因。

I mean, it's really that's why I think feeling loved, feeling connected is so important.

索尼亚，我们此刻与你交谈，正值世界似乎陷入无尽混乱的时期。

Sonia, we're speaking to you at a time of what feels like relentless chaos in the world.

那么，我们该如何平衡应对这源源不断新闻头条的需要——努力生存、保持安全、守护我们的社区——与这种根植于本能或进化层面的追求幸福的需求呢？

And so how do we balance the need to just cope with this steady stream of headlines and just try and stay alive and stay safe and keep our communities safe with this rather primal or evolutionary need to seek out happiness?

嗯。

Mhmm.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我觉得它们是相辅相成的。

Well, I think they go together.

对吧？

Right?

因为如果幸福的关键在于感受到连接和被爱，那这可能就是关键所在。

Because if the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved, that could be the key.

你知道的。

You know?

所以当我看到让我流泪的新闻标题时，我会跟我的伴侣、孩子或朋友聊聊，我们互相拥抱，一起思考我们能做些什么。

So when I'm reading the headline that makes me cry, you know, I'm talking to my romantic partner or my child or my friend about it, we hug each other, and we think about what we might do.

我们会去理解它。

We we interpret it.

我们思考如何采取行动。

We we think how to take action.

快乐的人更有活力。

Happy people, they have more energy.

他们更坚持不懈。

They persevere more.

他们充满热情。

They have passion.

所以我认为这两者并不矛盾。

So I think those two things are not inconsistent.

它们其实是相辅相成的。

They kinda go together.

那那些听到这个的听众呢？他们可能会说，我从独处中找到快乐，我喜欢一个人去徒步或旅行，这让我感到满足。

What about those listeners out there who are hearing this and say, I find happiness in solitude, you know, and I like going on a solo hike or going on a solo trip, and that makes me feel content.

如果幸福全在于连接，那我们独处时感受到的幸福感又该如何解释呢？

If it is all about connection, what explains that sense of well-being we get from our alone time?

是的

Yeah.

好问题

Great question.

当然

Absolutely.

顺便说一下，我是个外向的内向者

And by the way, I'm an extroverted introvert.

好的

Okay.

所以我喜欢派对，那是让我开心的地方，但我同样喜欢独处

So I love like, parties are my happy space, and yet I love solitude.

所以我们生活中都需要很多不同的元素，独处就是其中之一

So we all need lots of, you know, ingredients in our life, and solitude is part of that.

但如果你一直独处，就会错过一些东西

But if you're solitary all the time, you are going miss it.

我认为这样的人非常罕见。

I think it's a very rare person.

我确实遇到过这样一个人，他每年只见一次人。

Actually met someone like that and he sees humans once a year.

然而，我会说他与上帝是有联系的。

Yet, I would say he's connected to God.

即使是独来独往的人，也与某种更深层的东西相连。

Even people who are solitary are connected to something else.

我不想说这是普遍的，但我认为人类对连接的需求几乎是普遍的。

I don't want to say universal, but I think it's a near universal need that humans have for connection.

这很合理，因为从进化角度来看，如果我们不与他人建立联系、不感受到被爱，我们就不可能繁荣、生存、繁衍后代。

It makes sense because evolutionarily speaking, we wouldn't have thrived, we wouldn't survived, we wouldn't be able to mate and reproduce if we weren't, you know, sort of connected and felt loved by others.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

这就是为什么你会听到人们说，我们天生就需要连接和归属感，但这并不意味着它排除了其他一切。

That's why you hear people say, you know, we're wired for connection and belonging, but that doesn't mean it's exclusive from anything else.

对吧？

Right?

比如，我们有时确实想要一些独处的时间，这完全是自然且合理的。

Like, that it's totally natural and reasonable that we do want some alone time sometimes.

当然。

Of course.

并不是说你一天中的每个小时都必须和别人在一起。

It's not that a 100% of your, you know, hours of the day need to be with others.

不过，最近有一项非常有趣的研究显示，他们询问了人们一整天中，每一分钟的幸福感，同时问他们当时正在做什么。

Although, a really cool study came out recently that showed that they sort of asked people how happy they are, you know, throughout the day, like, every minute of the day, and then asked what they were doing.

结果发现，无论人们是在锻炼还是阅读，只要身边有其他人陪伴，他们的幸福感都会更高。

And it turns out that people were always happier when whatever they were doing, whether it was exercising or reading, they they were doing in the company of other humans.

我应该说，我老是提到‘人类’，但其实也包括宠物。

I should say I I keep saying humans, but it could be a pet.

当然。

Sure.

这让我想到了社交媒体的问题，因为我记得十五年前Facebook刚推出时，它的创始人兼首席执行官马克·扎克伯格曾承诺，我们的目标是让世界更加互联。

This brings me to the social media question because I remember fifteen years ago when Facebook was coming out and the founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, promised that we're all about making the world more connected.

我们真的希望让世界更加紧密地联系在一起，这听起来表面上很不错。

We really wanna make the world more connected, and it does sound great on its surface.

但正如你在演讲中所说，在现代生活中，无论是物理上还是隐喻意义上，似乎比以往任何时候都多了更多隔阂。

But as you said in your talk, in modern life, it feels like there's more walls up than ever, both physically and metaphorically speaking.

嗯。

Mhmm.

为什么会这样？

Why is this?

社交媒体是如何影响人与人之间的联系，以及我们与他人或动物建立联系的能力的？

How has social media made an impact on connection and our ability to connect with other humans or animals?

嗯，这有点，有点

Well, it's a it's a little bit it's a little bit

这是一个有点复杂的问题，对吧？因为社交媒体确实有时——甚至经常——帮助我们与他人建立联系。

of a nuanced question, right, because social media does help us connect sometimes or lots of times with other people.

我的意思是，这太惊人了。

I mean, it's amazing.

举个例子。

Like, here's an example.

我有四个孩子，所以请过很多保姆。

I have I have four kids, and so I've had lots of au pairs.

她们大多数来自德国和其他国家。

They most of them have come from Germany and other countries.

你知道，以前她们来的时候，都会感到特别孤独。

And, you know, it's amazing when used they used to come, and they would feel so lonely.

但现在她们来了，整天都能和德国的家人朋友保持联系。

And now they come, and they're, like, connected with their family and friends in Germany, like, all day long.

我的意思是，这太棒了。

I mean, that's amazing.

对吧？

Right?

这是一项了不起的发明，了不起的技术。

That's an amazing invention, amazing technology.

当然，如果你有一些罕见的兴趣、罕见的疾病或某种问题，拥有这些网络真的非常棒。

And, of course, if you have sort of kind of rare interest or a rare disease or some kind of problem, you know, it's it's amazing to have those networks.

对吧？

Right?

所以，我确实想肯定这一点也是正确的。

And so I definitely wanna, like, say affirm that that's true as well.

另一方面，我们在讨论人类天生适合什么？

On the other hand, we're talking about what are human beings wired for?

我们天生适合面对面的互动，包括面对面交流，也包括语音交流。

We are wired for face to face interactions involving face to face, but also involving voice.

我们确实做过一项研究，表明任何涉及语音的交流——无论是视频通话还是电话通话——都会让我们感觉更快乐、更连接，让我们感觉更加同步。

We actually did a study showing that anything involving voice, whether it's a video call or a phone call, makes us feel happier and more connected, makes us feel, like, more sync.

是的。

Yeah.

所以任何仅限文字的交流。

So anything just text.

但再说一遍，我不想说你不该发短信，因为短信也可能很棒，非常方便，你也可以通过文字分享和倾听。

Well, again, I don't wanna say you shouldn't text because text could be wonderful too and very convenient, and you could share and listen through text as well.

但我们真正被设计为通过声音和同步互动、声音和面对面交流、呼吸同样的空气来连接。

But but we are really wired through, like, voice and synchronous interaction, voice and and face to face and breathing the same air.

让我从另一个角度来问这个问题：当我们看到社交媒体上的影响者，或者我们有拟社会关系的人，比如名人，展示他们的幸福或生活方式时，这感觉如何？我们对此了解多少？

Let me ask a different dimension of this, which is what it's like or what we know about the effect of seeing other people, like influencers on social media or people we have parasocial relationships with, celebrities, let's say, perform their happiness or perform their lifestyles.

因为我记得在早期研究中，那些更容易进行比较的人，看到别人过得开心时，会因为比较感而感到痛苦。

Because I remember in the early days of this research, those who might be more prone to comparison actually have a hard time seeing other people having a good time because of that feeling of comparison.

正如人们所说，这是快乐的窃贼。

And as they say, it is the thief of joy.

那么，根据目前现有的综合数据或研究，你了解到当我们看到他人表演幸福时，这对我们的影响是什么？

So what do you know kind of in the aggregate data or the research that now exists about what it's like for us or what effect it has on us to see performances of happiness on other people?

是的。

Yeah.

比较总是如此伤人。

Comparisons are so invidious.

你说得对。

And you're right.

社交媒体实际上放大了我们个人的差异。

Social media, in effect, kind of amplifies our individual differences.

所以，那些本来就容易受此类影响、对比较敏感的人，会受到更大的伤害。

So people who are already kind of prone or sensitive to such things like comparison, they're going to be even more harmed.

但如果你是个乐观开朗、快乐的人，也许你不会太在意。

But if you're kind of a happy go lucky, happy person, maybe you're not going to care as much.

对吧？

Right?

但我们确实很在意。

But we certainly care.

我们大多数人至少都会在意一点。

Most of us care at least a little bit.

这里有一个我喜欢的研究。

Here's a study that I like.

大学新生普遍认为，其他人都比自己更能适应大学生活，因为他们总在社交媒体上看到别人发：‘我在派对上呢。’

College freshmen, on average, thought that everyone else was adjusting better to college than they were because they kept seeing on social media, like, here's me at a party.

‘我和室友在一起玩呢。’

Here's me with my roommate, you know, hanging out.

所以每个人看起来都比自己适应得更好，这真的特别容易让人产生负面比较。

So everyone seemed to sort of adjusting better on average than they are, and that's just, like, so invidious.

我们无法避免这种情况。

It's We can't we, you know, we can't avoid it.

另一方面，那些网红确实说了不少负面的东西，但另一方面，我的孩子们从这些网红身上学到了很多。

On the other hand, those influencers, you know, have a lot of negative things to say, but on the other hand, like, my kids have learned so much from these influencers.

比如，他们学会了做饭。

Like, they know how to cook.

他们整天谈论心理治疗。

They have all this therapy talk.

他们说：妈妈，你知道吗，当你压力大的时候，真的需要这样深呼吸四次。

They're like, mom, you know, you really need to take four breaths this way when you're stressed out.

所以，他们也从这些视频中学到了很多东西。

So, like, they've also, like, learned a lot from from these videos as well.

因此，对正在发生的事情的理解总是带有一些细微的差别。

So it's always a little bit of a nuanced interpretation of what's happening.

无论人们在这类个体互动中经历着什么，你对抗绝望、焦虑或抑郁的良方，都是尝试在现实生活中与他人重新建立联系。

No matter what is happening in these individual interactions that folks are having, Your prescription, your antidote for feelings of despair or anxiety or depression is to try and reconnect in real life with other people.

你在演讲中提到的一句话，让我印象深刻。

You said something in your talk, which really struck me.

你说，分享和倾听，就像牵着手。

You said, sharing and listening, hold hands.

如果你只是一味地分享，那就变成了一言堂。

If you only share, it's a monologue.

如果你只听，那就成了访谈。

If you only listen, it's an interview.

但当你两者都做时，奇迹就会发生。

But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.

其实就这么简单。

It's really that simple.

确实如此。

It it is.

真的就这么简单。

It's really that simple.

所以，我想我最重要的建议是，是的，如果你想今天或总体上更快乐，就多进行一些对话。

So and so I guess one of my biggest tips is that, yeah, if you wanna be happier today or in general, have more conversations.

比如，多花点时间和别人在一起，但不只是随便聊聊。

Like, spend more time with other people, but not just any conversation.

对吧？

Right?

比如，深入一点。

Like, go deeper.

你知道的。

You know?

我经常说，我受够了寒暄。

And I often say, I'm done with small talk.

生命短暂，不该浪费在寒暄上。

Life is too short for small talk.

是的。

Yeah.

不过，寒暄也没那么糟。

By the small talk is not so bad.

对吧。

Right.

它也有它的作用。

It has its place.

完全正确。

Totally.

它是一种社交润滑剂。

It's a social lubricant.

研究表明，与咖啡师或公交车司机进行闲聊实际上能让人更快乐。

Having small talk with your barista or the bus driver actually does make people happier, research shows.

但更大的影响来自于更深入的对话。

But even the bigger impacts are with deeper conversations.

嗯哼。

And Mhmm.

我的一位朋友，芝加哥大学的教授尼克·埃普利，做了一些出色的研究，表明人们通常认为，如果向他人提出深刻的问题，会被视为多管闲事或打探隐私，但平均而言，人们其实希望别人问起自己内心的生活。

One of my friends, Nick Epley, who's a professor at University of Chicago, has has done some beautiful studies showing that, for example, people think, like, if they ask deep questions to another person that you'll be perceived as nosy or prying, and yet, on average, want to be asked questions about our inner life.

我们渴望被看见，渴望被听见。

We want to be seen, we want to be heard.

所以，进行一场更深入的对话吧。

So have that deeper conversation.

也许不要一下子太深入。

Maybe don't go too deep too fast.

节奏真的很重要。

Pacing is really important.

你得会看气氛。

You have to read the room.

我有时希望每所高中和每所大学都能开设情绪智力课程，因为这很难学会。

I sometimes wish that, like, there are emotional intelligence classes in every high school and every college, you know, because that's hard to learn.

这需要多年才能掌握。

It takes years to learn.

但确实，要进行比平常更深入的对话。

But, yeah, to have conversations that are deeper than than usual.

我知道这需要多年才能掌握，但对于那些渴望学习、想知道如何打开心扉、如何避免在敞开心扉或让他人敞开心扉时踩坑的人，你有什么建议吗？

I know it would take years to learn, but what can you offer those of us who want to learn or are hungry to learn what sharing from the heart sounds like or how to avoid some pitfalls when we're trying to open up or get other peoples to open up?

当然。

Sure.

当然。

Sure.

嗯，首先，其实我会从另一个方向开始。

Well, to start with oh, actually, I would start with the other direction.

我会先对对方表现出好奇心，并真正倾听他们。

I would start with showing curiosity in the other person and really listening to them.

你知道的？

You know?

这种好奇心是很难伪装的，真正地倾听他们，就像你马上要被考问一样。

So and that curiosity is really hard to fake and really listening to them like you're going be quizzed on it.

对吧？

Right?

不是仅仅因为等着轮到自己说话而听。

Not just listening because you're waiting for your turn to speak.

问他们关于他们的事情——我们都知道，很多人会跟你详细讲述他们的一天，比如他们去办了什么事、做了什么。

Ask them questions about their we all again, we you know how like a lot of people will tell you all the details of their day, you know, and they ran this errand and they did this.

这可能会很无聊，但你知道，这表明人们真的很希望你了解他们的内心世界，了解他们正在经历的事情。

And it it can be boring, but, you know, you could it it shows you people really want you to know about their inner life, about what's happening with them.

所以多提问，表现出好奇心，然后你再分享。

So ask questions, show curiosity, and then you share.

对吧？

Right?

所以你分享，但要从小事开始。

So you share, but start small.

对吧？

Right?

你不想一上来就透露什么秘密之类的东西。

You don't wanna just immediately reveal, like, you know, a secret or something.

所以当有人问你‘你好吗？’时，也许可以这样回应：

So maybe it's like when someone asks you, How are you?

不要只说‘还好’，你可以回答得稍微深入一点。

Instead of saying, Fine, you might say something a little bit deeper.

可以说，‘我今天过得挺糟的’，或者‘今天发生了一件事’，又或者对大家都喜欢的那部电影说出你真实的想法。

It could be, Oh, I'm having a rough day, or This thing happened today, or Give them your true opinion about the movie that everyone else likes.

也许你会说，‘我其实没怎么喜欢那部电影。’

Maybe you're like, I didn't really love that movie.

所以，你不需要分享自己最深的创伤。

So it doesn't have to be your, you know, deepest trauma that you share.

因此，节奏非常关键，因为如果你太快分享太深入的内容，大家的防备心会立刻重新筑起。

So pacing is really critical because if you share too deep too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again.

因为，再次强调，目标是慢慢放下自己的心防，同时通过对对方表现出好奇，并在提问后真正倾听他们的回应，来帮助对方也稍稍放下他们的防备。

Because, again, the the goal is to sort of try to lower your wall a little bit and then help the other person lower their walls a little bit by showing curiosity in them and by truly listening to their response after you ask them a question.

是的。

Yeah.

我真的很喜欢这一点。

I really like that.

好的。

Okay.

所以，索尼亚，本着提问与倾听的精神，我们来快速进行一个闪电环节，以便在结束对话前更了解你一些。

So, Sonia, in the spirit of asking and listening, let's jump into a quick lightning round to get to know you a bit more before we wrap up this conversation.

好的。

Okay.

我们开始吧。

Here we go.

在你看来，创新或一个好点子是什么样子的？

What does innovation or a good idea look like to you?

哦，就是前所未有的、非传统的想法。

Oh, something that no one's ever thought of, something that's unconventional.

我觉得大多数想法我都听过无数遍了。

I feel I feel like most ideas are just like I've heard before over and over again.

好的。

Okay.

你有新年决心或这个时节的某种仪式吗？

Do you have a New Year's resolution or a ritual at this time of year?

如果是的话，那是什么？

And if so, what is it?

当然。

Sure.

我想说的是，这种仪式应该贯穿全年，而不仅仅是在新年。

I've one thing I would say, the ritual should be all the time, not just New Year's.

我的做法是，我经常早上醒来时会有一点焦虑，所以我养成了一个感恩的习惯，一醒来就做，来缓解早晨的那点焦虑。

Mine is that I often wake up with a little bit of anxiety, so so I'm having I'm creating kind of a gratitude ritual when I first wake up to kinda combat that little bit of anxiety in the morning.

我喜欢这个。

I like that.

好的。

Okay.

你愿意为之赴死的信念是什么？

What is an anthill that you'd be willing to die on?

天哪。

Oh my gosh.

好的。

Okay.

我觉得好吧。

I think okay.

我认为世界上最棒的事情就是拥抱。

Mine would be the greatest thing in the world is cuddling.

我

I

你喜欢拥抱，真好。

love you're a cuddler.

我经常和我的孩子拥抱，但不只是和孩子，也和朋友拥抱。

I cuddle with my kids all the time, but not just with my kids, with my friends.

我认为我们社会中缺乏足够的身体接触。

I think there's not enough physical touch in our society.

这应该被正常化。

It should be normalized.

我们都应该这样，当然，要在获得同意的前提下。

We should all be like I mean, obviously, with consent.

对。

Right.

身体接触太棒了。

Physical touch is amazing.

是的。

Yeah.

我真的很喜欢这一点。

I really like that.

你目前生活中有什么小小的感恩之事吗？

What's a small gratitude that you have in your life right now?

有什么是你特别感激的？

Something that you are particularly grateful for.

它可以是非常微小的事情。

It could be something very small.