掌握人生重大转折的秘诀 | 布鲁斯·费勒

你正在收听TED Talks Daily，我们每天为你带来新想法，激发你的好奇心。

You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day.

我是你的主持人，Elise Hu。

I'm your host, Elise Hu.

今天的TED Talks Daily节目由Walmart Business呈现。

Today's episode of TED Talks Daily is presented by Walmart Business.

我们大多数人想象自己的生活是直线前进的：上学，然后事业，家庭，退休，每个阶段都准时到来。

Most of us picture our lives moving in a straight line, school, then career, family, retirement, each stage arriving right on schedule.

但作家Bruce Feiler花了多年时间发现，几乎没有人真正这样生活。

But writer Bruce Feiler spent years discovering that almost no one actually lives that way.

他走遍美国，收集了来自50个州数百人的生活故事，不断发现同样的事情。

After traveling around The US and collecting hundreds of life stories from people in all 50 states, he kept finding the same thing.

我们的生活充满了干扰，时不时地，其中一个干扰会把一切彻底打破。

Our lives are full of disruptions, and every so often, one of them cracks everything wide open.

十分之一的人会经历我所说的“人生地震”，一场巨大的变化，带来一段动荡、过渡和重生的时期。

One in 10 becomes what I call a lifequake, a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition, and renewal.

普通人一生中会经历三到五次这样的重大变故。

The average person goes through three to five of these events in the course of their lives.

平均每次持续五年。

Their average length, five years.

布鲁斯说，算一算就知道，我们可能有多达二十五年，也就是成年生活的一半，都处在转变之中。

Do the math, Bruce says, and that means we could spend up to twenty five years, half of our adult lives in transition.

在这次演讲中，他分享了自己从一千小时的访谈中总结出的框架，并论证了应对变化不仅仅是发生在我们身上的事情。

In this talk, he shares the framework he built from a thousand hours of interviews and makes the case that navigating change isn't just something that happens to us.

这是一项我们可以学会的技能。

It's a skill we can learn.

人生转变本质上是一种赋予意义的过程。

A life transition is fundamentally a meaning making experience.

我称之为自传性时刻，这时我们需要重新审视、改写并重述自己的人生故事，为在人生地震中学到的东西增添新的篇章。

It's what I like to call an autobiographical occasion in which we are called on to revisit, rewrite, and retell our life story, adding a new chapter for what we learned during the lifequake.

布鲁斯自己的转折点始于一个关于他父亲的电话，以及一个改变了之后一切的问题。

Bruce's own turning point began with a phone call about his father and a single question that changed everything that came after.

他说，无论故事变得多么糟糕，你都不能放弃美好的结局，因为你可以掌控自己讲述的关于自己的故事。

He argues that no matter how bleak the story gets, you can't give up on the happy ending because you control the story you tell about yourself.

这就是接下来要讲的。

That's coming up.

我以前常说，电话不会改变你的人生。

I used to have a saying that phone calls don't change your life.

直到有一天，我接到了一个改变人生的电话。

Until one day, I got a phone call that did.

那是我妈妈打来的。

It was from my mother.

你爸爸想自杀。

Your father is trying to kill himself.

他怎么了？

He's what?

我爸爸是美国南方的儿子。

My dad was a son of the American South.

他是一名海军退伍军人，也是社区领袖，在患上帕金森病之前，他从来没有抑郁过一分钟。

A Navy veteran and civic leader, he was never depressed a minute until he got Parkinson's.

在十二周内，我父亲六次试图结束自己的生命。

Six times in twelve weeks, my dad attempted to end his life.

我们试遍了所有能想到的办法。

We tried every solution imaginable.

直到有一天，我有了一个想法。

Until one day, I had a thought.

也许我父亲需要一点火花来重启他的人生故事。

Maybe my dad needed a spark to restart his life story.

一天早上，我给他发了一个问题。

One morning, I sent him a question.

跟我说说你小时候玩过的玩具吧。

Tell me about the toys you played with as a child.

接下来发生的事不仅改变了他，也改变了周围的每一个人，还让我重新思考我们是如何在生活中找到意义、目标和快乐的。

What happened next changed not only him but everyone around him and led me to reimagine how we all make meaning, purpose and joy in our lives.

这就是接下来发生的故事，以及我们都能从中领悟到的道理。

This is the story of what happened next and what we all can learn from it.

我想请你停一下，听听你脑海里正在上演的故事。

I want you to stop for a second and listen to the story going on in your head.

它就在某个角落，隐隐约约地存在着。

It's there somewhere in the background.

这是你初次见人时讲给别人的故事，也是你每天对自己说的故事。

It's the story you tell others when you first meet them, the story you tell yourself every day.

这是关于你是谁、你从哪里来、你要去哪里 的故事。

It's the story of who you are, where you came from, where you're going.

这是你人生的故事。

It's the story of your life.

从一代人的大脑研究中我们学到，故事不仅仅是我们的一部分，它在根本上就是我们自己。

What we've learned from a generation of brain research is that story isn't just part of us, it is us in a fundamental way.

生活就是你自己讲述的故事。

Life is the story you tell yourself.

但是有一件事，研究还没有给出太多答案。

But there's something that research hasn't much answered.

当我们迷失了故事的线索时，会发生什么？

What happens when we misplace the plot of that story?

当我们被陷阱、坑洞、疫情绊住时，会怎样？

When we get sidetracked by a pitfall, a pothole, a pandemic?

当我们感到精疲力尽，需要重新开始时，会发生什么？

What happens when we feel burned out and need a fresh start?

当我们的童话故事偏离轨道时，又会怎样？

What happens when our fairy tales go awry?

那年秋天，我爸爸就遇到了这种情况，我当时也差不多，我们每个人都会在某个时候遇到。

That's what happened to my dad that fall, to me around that time, to all of us at one time or another.

我们被困在森林里，走不出来。

We get stuck in the woods and can't get out.

但这一次，我想学会如何摆脱困境。

This time, though, I wanted to learn how to get unstuck.

跟我爸一样，我出生在美国南方。

Like my dad, I was born in the American South.

多年来，我的生活一直是一条直线，现在回想起来是这样。

And for years, I had what I now think of as a linear life.

我上了大学，开始写作，有一段时间没赚到钱，后来有了一些成绩，结了婚，有了孩子。

I went to college, I started writing, I did it for no money for a while, I had some success, I got married and had children.

但到了四十多岁，生活给了我重重一击。

But then, in my forties, I was just walloped by life.

首先，我作为一对同卵双胞胎女儿的新手爸爸，得了癌症。

First, I got cancer as a new dad of identical twin daughters.

然后，我差点破产。

Then, I almost went bankrupt.

接着，我爸又闹了那么一出自杀的戏。

Then my dad had that suicide spree.

很长一段时间，我对这些事感到羞耻和恐惧。

For a long time, I felt shame and fear about these events.

我不知道该怎么讲那个故事。

I didn't know how to tell that story.

我也不想讲那个故事。

I didn't want to tell that story.

但当我讲出来的时候，我发现其实每个人都觉得自己的生活以某种方式被颠覆了，觉得自己的生活偏离了轨道，乱了节奏，觉得现在过的日子不是自己原本期待的，觉得自己的人生次序被打乱了。

When I did, I discovered that everyone feels their life has been upended in some way, that their life is somehow off schedule, off track, off kilter, that the life they're living is not the life they expected, that they're living life out of order.

我想做点什么来帮帮大家。

I wanted to do something to help.

在三年多的时间里，我走遍了全国各地，收集了来自美国50个州的数百个生命故事。

Over three years, I crisscrossed the country, collecting what became hundreds of life stories of Americans in all 50 states.

这些人有的失去了家园，有的失去了肢体，有的换了职业，有的改变了性别，有的戒了酒，有的摆脱了不幸的婚姻。

People who lost homes, lost limbs, changed careers, changed genders, got sober, got out of bad marriages.

最后，我积累了一千小时的采访录音，六千页的转录文字。

In the end, I had a thousand hours of interviews, 6,000 pages of transcripts.

我和一个12人的团队花了一年时间，用57个不同的变量对这些故事进行编码，寻找那些能在人生变动时期帮助我们的规律。

With a team of 12, I then spent a year coding these stories for 57 different variables, looking for patterns that could help all of us in times of change.

我把这个叫做人生故事项目。

I called this the life story project.

然后我学到了这些。

And here's what I learned.

第一课，直线型人生已经过时了。

Lesson number one, the linear life is dead.

那种认为我们从青春期到养老院只会有一份工作、一段感情、一个幸福来源的想法，已经彻底落伍了。

The idea that we're going to have one job, one relationship, one source of happiness from adolescence to assisted living is hopelessly outdated.

而且，这种想法其实只是历史上的一个特例。

What's more, that idea turns out to be a historical anomaly.

虽然我们很少谈论这一点，但我们看待世界的方式会影响我们看待自己人生的方式。

Though we don't talk about it nearly enough, the way we look at the world affects how we look at our lives.

在古代，人们并没有直线时间的概念。

In the ancient world, they didn't have linear time.

他们认为人生是循环的，因为农业是循环的。

They thought life was a cycle because agriculture was a cycle.

到了中世纪，人们觉得人生就像爬楼梯，爬到中年就到顶了，然后就开始往下走。

In the Middle Ages, they thought life was a staircase up to middle age, then down.

也就是说，六十岁不可能再谈恋爱，七十岁也不可能退休后去开个民宿。

That's no new love at 60, no retiring and opening an Airbnb at 70.

直到一百五十年前，我们才开始接受人生像工厂流水线一样，按阶段一步步推进的想法。

Not until a hundred fifty years ago did we adopt the idea that life proceeds in a series of stages, like an industrial factory.

弗洛伊德的心理性欲发展阶段、埃里克森的道德发展八阶段、悲伤的五个阶段，这些都是线性的框架。

Freud's psychosexual stages, Erickson's eight stages of moral development, the five stages of grief, These are all linear constructs.

这种模式在七十年代达到顶峰，那时候人们认为，二十多岁该做什么，三十多岁该做什么，大家都一样，然后到了三十九岁到四十四岁半之间，就会经历中年危机。

This model peaks in the nineteen seventies with the idea that everyone does the same thing in their twenties, the same thing in their thirties, then has a midlife crisis between thirty nine and forty four and a half.

这个观念的影响力之大，怎么说都不为过。

It is hard to overstate how powerful this idea was.

但这里只有一个问题。

There's only one problem.

那就是，这个观念并不正确。

It's not true.

如今，我们更新了看待世界的方式。

Today, we've updated how we look at the world.

我们明白网络中存在着混乱和复杂性，但我们还没有更新看待自己生活的方式。

We understand there's chaos and complexity in networks, but we haven't updated how we look at our lives.

这就引出了第二条经验。

That leads to lesson number two.

非线性生活涉及更多的人生转折。

The nonlinear life involves many more life transitions.

我仔细回顾了所有采访，列出了一份清单，记录了所有可能改变我们人生方向的事情。

I went through every interview I conducted and made a master list of all the ways our lives get redirected.

我把这些事件称为“干扰因素”。

I call these events disruptors.

总共有52个，所以我做了一副“干扰因素”卡片。

The total number was 52, so I created the deck of disruptors.

其中有些是小事情，比如脚踝骨折或者小车祸。

Some of them are small, like breaking your ankle or a fender bender.

有些影响很大，比如失业或者搬家。

Some of them are large, like losing your job or moving.

普通人一生中会经历三十多次这样的干扰事件。

The average person goes through three dozen disruptors in the course of their lives.

也就是每十二到十八个月就会遇到一次。

That's one every twelve to eighteen months.

大多数我们都能比较轻松地应对过去。

Most of these we get through with relative ease.

但每十个里就有一个会演变成我所说的“人生地震”，一次巨大的变化，带来一段动荡、过渡和重生的时期。

But one in ten becomes what I call a lifequake, a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition and renewal.

普通人一生中会经历三到五次这样的重大事件。

The average person goes through three to five of these events in the course of their lives.

它们平均持续五年。

Their average length, five years.

算一下就知道，这意味着我们会有二十五年，也就是成年后一半的时间，都处在过渡之中。

Do the math, and that means we spend twenty five years, half our adult lives, in transition.

而且别搞错了，这些事件并不是只集中在中老年时期。

And make no mistake, these events do not clump exclusively in middle age.

有些人一出生就面临人生地震。

Some people are born into lifequakes.

有些人在二十多岁或六十多岁时经历这些。

Some people have them in their twenties or their sixties.

别再提什么中年危机了，我们面对的是随时可能发生的危机。

Forget the midlife crisis, we all face the whenever life crisis.

但真正让人焦虑的是什么呢？

But here's what causes so much anxiety.

我们仍然期望人生地震按照可预测的时间表发生，就像那些整十岁的生日一样。

We still expect our lifequakes to unfold on a predictable timetable, like birthdays that end in zero.

我们仍然被线性思维的幽灵所困扰。

We're all still haunted by the ghost of linearity.

我们以为人生会是线性的。

We think our life is going to be linear.

当生活不是这样时，我们会感到不安。

We're unnerved when it's not.

我们拿自己和一个已经不存在理想比较，并因为没有达到而自责。疫情让这种情况变得更糟。

We're comparing ourselves to an ideal that no longer exists and beating ourselves up for not achieving The pandemic has made this only worse.

我把每一次人生地震都放在两个维度上：自愿与非自愿，个人与集体。

I craft every lifequake on two poles, voluntary and involuntary, personal and collective.

只有8%的人生地震是集体非自愿的。

A mere 8% of lifequakes are collective involuntary.

集体非自愿的人生地震就是自然灾害或经济衰退。

A collective involuntary lifequake is a natural disaster or a recession.

这个时刻有什么特别之处？

What's unique about this moment in time?

整个地球，一个世纪以来第一次，同时经历着同样的集体非自愿的人生地震。

The entire planet, for the first time in a century, is going through the same collective involuntary lifequake at the same time.

我们每一个人都在经历转变。

Every single one of us is in transition.

然而，没有人教我们如何驾驭这些时代。

And yet, no one is teaching us how to master these times.

这就引出了第三课。

Which leads to lesson number three.

人生转折是一项我们可以也必须掌握的技能。

Life transitions are a skill we can and must master.

我们稍后马上回到今天的TED演讲，但首先，要感谢我们的赞助商沃尔玛商业。

We're gonna get back to today's TED talk in just a moment, but first, a quick thanks to our presenting sponsor, Walmart business.

布鲁斯·费勒演讲的核心观点之一是，人生很少是直线前进的。

One of the ideas at the heart of Bruce Feiler's talk is that life rarely moves in a straight line.

进步是走走停停的，沿途有很多转折。

Progress comes in stops and starts with plenty of transitions along the way.

重要的是，你要有适应、调整和继续前进所需的东西。

What matters is having what you need to adapt, regroup, and keep moving forward.

这对组织来说也是如此。

That's true for organizations too.

不管你是经营小生意、领导非营利组织、管理学校，还是支持一个不断壮大的团队，能够持续前进往往取决于那些在幕后进行的日常工作。

Whether you're running a small business, leading a nonprofit, managing a school, or supporting a growing team, the ability to keep going often comes down to the everyday work happening behind the scenes.

订购物资、补充共享空间、购买设备，确保你的团队有他们需要的东西，这些可能不是你使命中最显眼的部分，但往往正是这些让使命得以继续，即使事情没有按计划进行。

Ordering supplies, stocking shared spaces, purchasing equipment, and making sure your team has what they need may not be the most visible part of your mission, but it's often what keeps the mission moving even when things don't go according to plan.

这就是沃尔玛商业服务发挥作用的地方。

That's where Walmart Business comes in.

沃尔玛商业服务专为各种规模的组织打造，通过不断扩大的可信赖品牌选择，以每日低价帮助简化采购流程。

Built specifically for organizations of all sizes, Walmart Business helps simplify purchasing with an ever expanding assortment of trusted brands at everyday low prices.

你可以通过网上、店内或沃尔玛商业应用购物，享受快速便捷的配送选项，这些选项专为适应你组织的运作方式而设计。

You can shop online, in store, or through the Walmart Business app with fast and easy fulfillment options designed to fit the way your organization works.

无论你是为更大的团队采购，还是只是提前规划，你都可以通过批量订购节省时间，并通过特定商品的商业特价节省金钱。

And whether you're purchasing for a larger team or just planning ahead, you can save time by ordering in bulk and save money with special business pricing on select items.

因为当日常工作变得更容易管理时，你就有更多时间专注于更大的图景：服务客户、支持社区，并将任何遇到的挑战转化为下一个增长机会。

Because when the everyday work becomes easier to manage, you have more time to focus on the bigger picture, serving your customers, supporting your community, and turning whatever comes your way into the next opportunity to grow.

要了解更多信息并免费注册沃尔玛商业账户，请访问 business.walmart.com。

To learn more and sign up for a free Walmart business account, visit business.walmart.com.

现在我们回到布鲁斯·费勒的TED演讲。

Now let's get back to Bruce Feiler's TED Talk.

今天我想和大家分享的是，根据我的研究，掌握人生转折的五个建议。

What I'd like to do for you today is to give you five tips based on my research for how to master a life transition.

第一个建议，从你的转折超能力开始。

Tip number one, begin with your transition superpower.

你可以把人生地震想象成一次身体上的打击。

One way to think about a lifequake is as a physical blow.

生活让我们措手不及，而人生转折让我们重新站稳脚跟。

Life puts us on our heels, the life transition puts us back on our toes.

然而，我们大多数人在进入转折时，都会感到完全不知所措。

And yet most of us, when we enter one, feel completely overwhelmed.

我们要么列一个长长的待办清单，说周末就能搞定，要么蜷缩成一团，说自己永远过不去。

We either make a two twelve item to do list and say we'll get through it in a weekend, or we lie in a fetal position and say we'll never get through it.

这两种做法都不对。

Both of them are wrong.

看得多了，一些规律就变得清晰了。

Look at enough of these and certain patterns become clear.

首先，人生转折有三个阶段。

For starters, life transitions have three phases.

我把它们称为“漫长的告别”，就是哀悼那些回不去的过去；“混乱的中间”，就是摆脱旧习惯、建立新习惯；还有“新的开始”，就是展现全新的自己。

I call them the long goodbye, when you mourn the past that's not coming back, the messy middle, when you shed certain habits and create new ones, and the new beginning where you unveil your new self.

但关键在这里。

But here's the key.

与一个世纪以来的想法相反，这些阶段并不是按顺序发生的。

Counter to a century of thinking, these phases do not happen in order.

就像生活本身不是线性的，人生转折也不是线性的。

Just as life is nonlinear, life transitions are nonlinear too.

相反，我们每个人都会倾向于自己最擅长的那个阶段，也就是我们的转折超能力，而在最不擅长的阶段卡住，那就是我们的转折克星。

Instead, each of us gravitates to the phase we're best at, our transition superpower, and gets bogged down in the phase we are weakest at, our transition kryptonite.

比如，一半的人不喜欢混乱的中间，但有些人却特别擅长这个阶段。

Half of us, for example, don't like the messy middle, but some of us excel at that.

也许你擅长列清单和分析各种选择。

Maybe you're good at making lists and analyzing your options.

很好。

Perfect.

就从那里开始。

Start there.

我们中有四成的人不喜欢漫长的告别。

Four in 10 of us don't like the long goodbye.

也许我们是讨好型人格，或者我们在困难情境中感到不自在，但其他人却擅长应对这种情况。

Maybe we're people pleasers or we are uncomfortable in difficult situations, but others thrive like that.

很好。

Perfect.

就从那里开始。

Start there.

关键是，过渡期确实很艰难。

The point is transitions are difficult.

从你的优势开始，建立信心，然后继续前进。

Begin with your superpower, build confidence, move on from there.

第二条建议，接受你的情绪。

Tip number two, accept your emotions.

除了三个阶段，我还确定了七种工具来帮助我们度过人生转折期，首先就是接受这是一段情感经历。

In addition to three phases, I identified seven tools for how we navigate a life transition, beginning with accept that it's an emotional experience.

我直视了数百人的眼睛，问他们：在变化时期，你最难处理的情绪是什么？

I looked hundreds of people in the eye and asked, what's the biggest emotion you struggled with during your time of change?

排名第一的答案是恐惧。

The number one answer, fear.

我该怎么度过这一切？

How am I going to get through this?

我该怎么付账单？

How am I going to pay my bills?

排名第二的是悲伤。

Number two, sadness.

我想念我爱的人。

I miss my loved one.

我想念能走路的日子。

I miss being able to walk.

第三，羞耻。

Number three, shame.

我为自己不得不求助而感到羞耻。

I'm ashamed I have to ask for help.

我为自己喝多时做的事感到羞耻。

I'm ashamed what I did when I drank too much.

有些人会通过写下来来应对这些情绪。

Now, some of us cope with these emotions by writing them down.

而像我这样的人，则会咬紧牙关硬撑过去。

Others, like me, buckle down and push through.

但80%的人，八零，会求助于仪式。

But 80% of us, eight zero, turn to rituals.

我们唱歌、跳舞、拥抱。

We sing, dance, hug.

梅亚德·豪厄尔离开大药企的工作去开健身房后，他在右手上纹了“呼吸”，左手上纹了“快乐”。

After Mayard Howell left his job in Big Pharma to open a gym, he tattooed Breathe on his right hand and Happy on his left.

他说：“我知道一旦纹了这些，我就回不去做企业的工作了。”

I knew I couldn't go back to my corporate job once I did that, he said.

丽莎蕾·罗森伯格经历了糟糕的一年，她丢了工作，和母亲闹翻了，还相亲了五十二次。

LisaRay Rosenberg had a horrible year in which she lost her job, had a falling out with her mother and went on fifty two first dates.

她说：“我知道我需要改变。”

I knew I needed a change, she said.

她最怕的是高度，所以她从飞机上跳了下来。

Her biggest fear, heights, so she jumped out of an airplane.

一年后，她结了婚，有了孩子。

A year later, she was married with a child.

像这样的仪式在漫长的告别过渡期中很有效，因为它们向自己和周围的人传递了一个信息：我正在经历困难时期，我已经准备好迎接接下来的事情。

Rituals like these are effective in the long goodbye of a transition because they are messages to ourselves and those around us that I'm going through a difficult time, and I'm ready for what comes next.

第三条建议，尝试一些新事物。

Tip number three, try something new.

过渡期的中间阶段确实很混乱。

The messy middle is messy.

这让人感到沮丧和迷失方向。

It's disheartening and disorienting.

接下来该怎么办？

Now what?

我的数据显示，我们在这段迷茫期会做两件事。

My data show we do two things during our time in the wilderness.

首先，我们会舍弃一些东西，比如思维方式、日常习惯和旧习。

First, we shed things, mindsets, routines, habits.

就像动物蜕皮一样，我们也会卸下自己性格中的某些部分。

Like animals who molt, we cast off parts of our personality.

杰弗里·斯帕尔患有强迫症，当他离开家族企业去创办一家从事艺术治疗的非营利组织时，他不得不放弃对固定工资的依赖。

Jeffrey Spar, who has OCD, had to shed his reliance on a regular paycheck when he left his family's business to open a nonprofit that works with art therapy.

莉·温茨是一位高管，她同时经历了癌症、离婚和职业转变，不得不改掉她一进门就打开冰箱的习惯。

Leigh Wentz, an executive who went through cancer, divorce and a career change all at the same time, had to shed her habit that whenever she walked in the door, she would open the fridge.

她减掉了60磅。

She lost 60 pounds.

舍弃让我们为接下来发生的事情腾出空间，那就是惊人的创造力。

Shedding allows us to make space for what comes next, which is astonishing acts of creativity.

在人生的低谷，我们跳舞、唱歌、种花、学弹尤克里里。

At the bottom of our lives, we dance, sing, garden, take up ukulele.

陆军中士扎克·赫里克的脸被塔利班炸毁了。

Army sergeant Zach Herrick had his face blown off by the Taliban.

从鼻子到下巴，他做了三十一次手术。

Thirty one surgeries between his nose and his chin.

他曾有过自杀的念头。

He experienced suicide ideation.

后来，在妈妈的提议下，他开始做饭，然后写诗，再后来开始画画。

Then, at the suggestion of his mom, he started to cook, then to write poetry, and then to paint.

他告诉我，以前我发泄敌意的方式是用子弹扫射敌人。

I used to get out in my hostility by splattering the enemy with bullets, he told me.

现在我发泄敌意的方式是用颜料泼洒画布。

Now I get out of my hostility by splattering the canvas with paint.

疫情刚开始时，最大的老生常谈是什么？

What was the biggest cliche at the beginning of the pandemic?

烤面包。

Baking.

我们打算靠做酸面包熬过去。

We're going to sourdough our way through it.

我可能是最不惊讶的人，因为想象一条面包、一幅画或一首诗这个简单的行为，能让我们想象自己可以创造一个新的自我。

I may have been the least surprised person because the simple act of imagining that loaf of bread or a painting or a poem allows us to imagine we can create a new self.

第四条建议，向他人寻求智慧。

Tip number four, seek wisdom from others.

人生转折中最痛苦的部分，可能就是感到孤立无援。

Perhaps the most painful part of a life transition is that you feel isolated and alone.

其实，孤独感上升的一个被忽视的原因，就是我们面临的人生转折越来越多，所以关键是你不能一个人扛，要跟别人分享你的经历。

In fact, one under discussed reason for the rise of loneliness is the rise in the number of life transitions we all face, which is why it's essential that you not be alone, that you share your experience with others.

可以是朋友、邻居、亲人，甚至是陌生人。

Could be a friend, a neighbor, a loved one, even a stranger.

但关键是，不是每个人都渴望同样的回应方式。

But here's the key, not everyone craves the same type of response.

我们每个人都有自己的“反馈类型”，我这么叫它。

Each of us has what I call a phenotype of feedback.

大约三分之一的人喜欢安慰型。

A third of us like comforters.

苏西，我爱你。

I love you, Susie.

你会挺过去的。

You'll get through it.

大约四分之一的人喜欢推动型。

A quarter of us like nudgers.

我爱你，约翰，但也许你应该试试这个。

I love you, John, but maybe you should try this.

也许你应该那样做。

Maybe you should do that.

但六个人里有一个喜欢被直接点醒的。

But one in six of us like slappers.

我爱你，安娜，但别太把自己当回事了。

I love you, Anna, but get over yourself.

是时候行动了。

It's time to do this.

关键点是，关键点是别以为别人也喜欢同样的回应方式。

The key point the key point is don't assume that the other person likes the same type of response.

先问再建议。

Ask before you advise.

这就引出了第五条建议。

And that leads to tip number five.

改写你的人生故事。

Rewrite your life story.

人生转折本质上是一种赋予意义的过程。

A life transition is fundamentally a meaning making experience.

我称之为自传性时刻，这时我们被要求重新审视、改写并重述自己的人生故事，为在人生地震中学到的东西添加新的篇章。

It's what I like to call an autobiographical occasion in which we are called on to revisit, rewrite, and retell our life story, adding a new chapter for what we learned during the lifequake.

我父亲就是这样。

That's what happened with my dad.

在我发出关于他玩过的玩具的第一个问题后，他写了一个关于模型飞机的故事，我以前从未听过，尽管当时他甚至无法使用手指。

After I sent that first question about the toys he played with, he wrote a story about model airplanes I had never heard before, even though he couldn't even use his fingers at the time.

我又发了一个问题，告诉我你长大的房子是什么样的。

I sent another, tell me about the house you grew up in.

然后又问，你是怎么加入海军的？

Then another, how'd you join the Navy?

你是怎么遇到妈妈的？

How'd you meet mom?

直到这周，距离我第一次问那个问题已经八年了，我父亲，一个从来只写备忘录的人，完成了一部六万五千字的回忆录。

Until just this week, eight years after that first question, my dad, who never wrote anything longer than a memo, completed a 65,000 word memoir.

一个问题，一个故事，一次肯定生命的记忆，就这样一点点积累起来。

One question, one story, one life affirming memory at a time.

这就是讲故事的力量。

That is the power of storytelling.

这也提醒我们，无论你的故事变得多么黯淡，你都不能放弃美好的结局。

And it's a reminder that no matter how bleak your story gets, you cannot give up on the happy ending.

你掌控着关于自己的故事，即使是最痛苦的部分。

You control the story you tell about yourself, even the most painful parts of yourself.

这就是为什么重新构想人生转折如此关键，我们不应把它们看作必须咬牙熬过去的艰难时期，而应看到它们的本质——治愈的时刻，它们会抚平我们生命中的创伤，并开始修复它们。

And that's why it's so critical that we reimagine life transitions, that we see them not as miserable times we have to grit and grind our way through, but we see them for what they are, healing times that take the wounded parts of our lives and begin to repair them.

意大利人对此有一个绝妙的表达。

The Italians have a wonderful expression for this.

Lupus in Fabula，童话里的狼。

Lupus in Fabula, the wolf in the fairy tale.

正当生活顺风顺水的时候，突然来了个恶魔、一条龙、一次裁员，或者一场疫情。

Just when life is going swimmingly, along comes a demon, a dragon, a downsizing, a pandemic.

正当我们的童话故事似乎就要成真时，一只狼出现了，威胁要毁掉一切。

Just when our fairy tale seems poised to come true, a wolf shows up and threatens to destroy it.

但这没关系。

And that's okay.

因为如果你赶走了狼，你也赶走了英雄。

Because if you banish the wolf, you banish the hero.

如果说我学到了什么，那就是我们都需要成为自己故事里的英雄。

And if there's one thing I learned, we all need to be the hero of our own story.

毕竟，这就是我们拥有童话故事的原因，也是我们年复一年、每晚睡前都讲它们的原因。

That's why we have fairy tales after all, and why we tell them year after year, bedtime after bedtime.

它们把我们的噩梦变成美梦。

They turn our nightmares into dreams.

谢谢。

Thank you.

这是布鲁斯·费勒在2021年西班牙马德里TEDxIE的演讲。

That was Bruce Feiler at TEDxIE Madrid in Spain in 2021.

这个演讲最初发布于2022年6月。

This talk was originally published in June 2022.

想了解更多并免费注册沃尔玛商业账户，请访问business.walmart.com。

To learn more and sign up for a free Walmart business account, visit business.walmart.com.

如果你对TED的策展感兴趣，可以访问ted.com/curationguidelines。

If you're curious about Ted's curation, visit ted.com/curationguidelines.

今天的内容就到这里。

And that's it for today.

《TED每日演讲》是TED旗下的播客。

TED Talks Daily is a podcast from TED.

本期节目由TED研究团队进行事实核查，并由我们的团队制作和编辑，包括玛莎·埃斯特瓦诺斯、奥利弗·弗里德曼、露西·利特尔、艾玛·陶布纳和坦西卡·松格拉·尼冯。

This episode was fact checked by the TED research team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estevanos, Oliver Friedman, Lucy Little, Emma Taubner, and Tansika Sunglar Nivong.

此外，还要感谢丹妮拉·巴洛雷佐、克里斯托弗·费兹·博根、瓦伦蒂娜·博哈尼尼、张班班、布莱恩·格林和莱尼·洛特的额外支持。

Additional support from Daniella Balorezo, Christopher Faizy Bogan, Valentina Bohanini, Banban Chang, Brian Green, and Lainie Lott.

更多内容请访问 podcasts.ted.com。

Learn more at podcasts.ted.com.

我是 Elise Hu。

I am Elise Hu.

明天我会带着新想法回来，让你的耳朵焕然一新。

I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.