最重要的育儿策略 | 贝基·肯尼迪（重新发布）

您正在收听TED每日演讲，我们每天为您带来新思想和对话，激发您的好奇心。

You're listening to TED Talks daily where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day.

我是您的主持人，伊莉丝·胡。

I'm your host, Elise Hu.

我有三个不到13岁的孩子，这段育儿经历就像坐过山车一样情绪起伏。

I have three kids under the age of 13, and it's an emotional roller coaster.

当然。

Sure.

我知道我们都会时不时失去耐心，但当我的怒火针对的是自己的孩子时，这种压力显得格外沉重。

I know that we all lose our temper from time to time, but the stakes feel really high when the focus of my fury happens to be my own kid.

他大喊：‘我恨你！’

He screams, hate you.

他冲出房间，重重地摔上卧室的门。

He runs out of the room, and he slams his bedroom door.

接着，我的自我谴责开始了，我对自己说：我到底哪里出了问题？

And now my self loathing session begins as I say to myself, what is wrong with me?

我永远把孩子搞砸了。

I've messed up my kid forever.

这位是临床心理学家、著名的育儿专家贝琪·肯尼迪。

That's clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer, Becky Kennedy.

在她2023年发布的演讲中，她提供了实用的建议，帮助我们应对与孩子相处时那些不完美时刻带来的内疚与羞耻感。

In her talk originally posted in 2023, she offers practical advice for how to manage the guilt and shame of our not so great moments with our kids.

根本没有完美的父母。

There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

错误和挣扎是这份工作的一部分，但没人告诉我们接下来该怎么做。

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to do next.

每当有家长问我，我应该专注于哪一项育儿策略？

Whenever a parent asks me, what one parenting strategy should I focus on?

我总是说同样一句话：学会修复关系。

I always say the same thing, Get good at repair.

对于所有不是父母或监护人的人，别担心。

And for all of you who are not parents or guardians, don't worry.

正如你可能猜到的，这个建议在其他所有类型的人际关系中也同样有效。

As you might have guessed, this advice works well in all other types of relationships too.

贝基的底线是：重新连接永远不晚。

Becky's bottom line, it's never too late to reconnect.

短暂休息后，我们马上继续。

That's coming up right after a short break.

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No hidden fees.

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Be smart, get wise.

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Download the Wise app today.

条款及条件适用。

Ts and Cs apply.

现在，让我们进入今天的TED演讲。

And now our TED Talk of the day.

现在是周日晚上。

So it's Sunday night.

我在厨房里。

I'm in my kitchen.

我刚为家人做完晚饭，现在紧张得不行。

I just finished cooking dinner for my family, and I am on edge.

我的意思是，我累坏了，最近睡得不好。

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well.

我担心即将到来的工作周。

I'm anxious about the upcoming work week.

我被一堆没完成的待办事项压得喘不过气。

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to do list.

然后我儿子走进了厨房。

And then my son walks into the kitchen.

他看着桌子，抱怨道：又是鸡肉？

He looks at the table and whines, Chicken again?

真让人反感。

Disgusting.

就这样了。

And that's it.

我爆发了。

I snap.

我盯着他大喊：你到底怎么了？

I look at him and I yell, What is wrong with you?

你能不能对生活中的一件事心存感激？

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?

从那以后，情况变得更糟了。

And things get worse from there.

他尖叫道：我恨你。

He screams, I hate you.

他冲出房间，重重地摔上了卧室的门。

He runs out of the room, he slams his bedroom door.

现在，我的自我厌恶开始了，我对自己说：我到底哪里出了问题？

And now my self loathing session begins as I say to myself, what is wrong with me?

我彻底毁了我的孩子。

I've messed up my kid forever.

如果你是父母，你很可能也感受过这种痛苦。

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

对我来说，这还多了一层羞耻感。

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

我是临床心理学家，我的专长是帮助人们成为更好的父母。

I mean, I'm a clinical psychologist, and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

但事实也是如此。

And yet, this is true as well.

根本不存在完美的父母。

There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

错误和挣扎是这份工作的一部分，但没人告诉我们接下来该怎么做。

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to do next.

我们是不是就直接跳过，假装这一切从未发生？

Do we just move on, kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

或者如果我要说点什么，该说什么呢？

Or if I say something, what are the words?

多年来，作为一名私人执业的临床心理学家，我目睹了一个又一个客户为这个问题所困扰。

Well, for years, as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I saw client after client struggle with this question.

如今，作为育儿内容和社区平台‘Good Inside’的创建者，我看到全球数百万父母都在为这个问题挣扎。

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform Good Inside, I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

所有父母都会大喊大叫。

All parents yell.

没人知道接下来该怎么做。

No one knows what to do next.

我决心填补这一空白。

Well, I'm determined to fill this gap.

毕竟，在我们的人际关系中，几乎没有什么能像修复关系那样产生如此深远的影响。

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as repair.

每当有父母问我，我应该专注于哪一种育儿策略时？

Whenever a parent asks me, what one parenting strategy should I focus on?

我总是说同样一句话：学会修复。

I always say the same thing: get good at repair.

那么，什么是修复呢？

So what is repair?

修复是指回到一段断裂的时刻，为自己的行为承担责任，并承认它对他人造成的影响。

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

我想区分一下修复和道歉，因为道歉常常是为了结束对话——‘对不起，我喊叫了。’

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when apology often looks to shut a conversation down hey, I'm sorry I yelled.

我们现在能继续了吗？

Can we move on now?

一次好的修复会打开对话。

A good repair opens one up.

如果你思考一下‘擅长修复’意味着什么，其中蕴含了极大的现实主义、希望与可能性。

And if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much baked in realism and hope and possibility.

修复的前提是已经发生了破裂。

Repair assumes there's been a rupture.

因此，要修复，你就必须犯错或未能达到他人的期望。这意味着，下次我冲孩子、丈夫或同事发火时，不再像那个晚上在厨房里那样责备自己，而是提醒自己：我正在努力学会如何更好地修复。

So to repair, you have to mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations, Which means the next time I snap at my kid or my husband or my work colleague, instead of berating myself like I did that night in the kitchen, I try to remind myself, I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

第一步是破裂。

Step one is rupture.

搞定这一项。

Check that off.

我做得太棒了。

I crushed it.

第二步是修复。

Step two is repair.

我能做到。

I can do this.

我其实正走在正确的路上。

I'm actually right on track.

让我们回到我的例子。

So let's get back to my example.

我在厨房里，我儿子在他房间里。

I'm in the kitchen, my son is in his room.

那如果我不去修复的话，会发生什么？

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

理解这一点非常重要，它能帮助我们决定下一步该怎么做。

That's really important to understand and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

好吧，以下是事实。

Well, here are the facts.

我儿子一个人待着，感到不知所措且情绪崩溃，毕竟，他妈妈刚变成了‘吓人妈妈’。

My son is alone, overwhelmed and in a state of distress, because let's face it, his mom just became Scary Mom.

现在他必须想办法重新找回安全感和稳定感。

And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.

如果我不去帮助他通过修复关系来应对，他就只能依赖自己仅有的几种应对机制之一：自我责备。

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal: self blame.

自我责备听起来就像这样。

Self blame sounds like this.

我一定哪里有问题。

Something's wrong with me.

我不值得被爱。

I'm unlovable.

是我让坏事发生的。

I make bad things happen.

罗纳德·法尔伯恩可能说得最好，他写道：对孩子来说，与其生活在一个魔鬼统治的世界里，不如做一个在上帝统治的世界里的罪人。

Ronald Fairburn may have said it best when he wrote that for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

换句话说，孩子将不良和过错内化实际上是一种适应性反应，因为至少这样他们还能相信父母和周围的世界是安全和善良的。

In other words, it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault, because at least then they can hold on to the idea that their parents and the world around them is safe and good.

虽然自责在童年时对我们有用，但我们都明白，它在成年后却对我们有害。

And while self blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood.

Something's wrong with me.

Something's wrong with me.

I make bad things happen.

I make bad things happen.

I'm unlovable.

I'm unlovable.

这些是许多成年人的核心恐惧。

These are the core fears of so many adults.

但事实上，我们在这里看到，它们其实是我们在经历令人不安的事件后，因无人修复而独自一人时写下的童年故事。

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired.

此外，有自我责备倾向的成年人更容易陷入抑郁、焦虑和深切的无价值感，而这些我们都不希望孩子经历。

Plus, adults with self blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness, none of which we want for our kids.

我们可以做得更好，而且这并不意味着我们必须完美无缺。

And we can do better, and it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

当你修复时，你所做的远不止消除孩子的自我责备故事。

When you repair, you go further than removing a child's story of self blame.

你还能重新加入当初缺失的所有元素。

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

安全感、联结、连贯性、爱与良善。

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

这就像在对孩子说：我不会让你的生命这一章以自我责备告终。

It's as if you're saying to a child, I will not let this chapter of your life end in self blame.

是的，这一章仍会包含大喊大叫的事件，但我可以确保这一章拥有不同的结局，因此也有不同的标题、主题和所学到的教训。

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending, and therefore a different title and theme and lesson learned.

我们知道，记忆是原始事件与你每次回忆该事件时的叠加组合。

We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

这就是为什么心理咨询会有帮助，对吧？

This is why therapy is helpful, right?

当你在更安全、更有连接感的关系中回忆过去的痛苦经历时，事件本身依然存在，但你对事件的叙述却改变了，于是你也随之改变。

When you remember painful experiences from your past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

通过修复，我们实际上改变了过去。

With repair, we effectively change the past.

所以，让我们写一个更好的故事吧。

So let's write a better story.

让我们学习如何修复。

Let's learn how to repair.

第一步，与自己修复。

Step one, repair with yourself.

没错。

That's right.

我的意思是，在你能够向他人提供同情、平静或理解之前，你必须先在自己内心接触到这些品质。

I mean, you can't offer compassion or groundedness or understanding to someone else before you access those qualities within yourself.

自我修复意味着将你的身份——你是谁——与你的行为——你做了什么——区分开来。

Self repair means separating your identity, who you are, from your behavior, what you did.

对我而言，这意味着告诉自己两件事都是真的。

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

我对最近的行为并不感到自豪，但我的行为并不能定义我是谁。

I'm not proud of my latest behavior, and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

即使我在外在挣扎，我内心依然善良。

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

于是我开始意识到，我是一个好父母（身份），只是当时遇到了困难（行为），而且并非如此。

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent, identity, who was having a hard time, behavior and no.

这并不意味着我可以逃避责任。

This doesn't let me off the hook.

这正是让我必须做出改变的原因。

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change.

因为现在我已经用平和取代了恶性循环，我实际上可以将精力用于思考下一次该如何做得不同。

Because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness, I can actually use my energy toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

哦，我现在也可以用这些精力去和我儿子修复关系。

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

第二步：与孩子修复关系。

Step two, repair with your child.

没有固定的公式。

There's no exact formula.

我常常会考虑三个要素。

I often think about three elements.

说出发生了什么，承担责任，并说明下次你会如何做得不同。

Name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time.

它可能可以这样整合在一起。

It could come together like this.

嘿，我一直在想前几天晚上在厨房发生的事。

Hey, I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

对不起，我大喊大叫了。

I'm sorry I yelled.

我知道那一定让你感到害怕，但这不是你的错。

I'm sure that felt scary, and it wasn't your fault.

我正在努力即使在沮丧时也能保持冷静。

I'm working on staying calm even when I'm frustrated.

短短十五秒的干预，可能会产生终身的影响。

A fifteen second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

我已经用一种关于自我信任、安全与联结的故事，取代了孩子原本自我责备的故事。

I've replaced my child's story of self blame with a story of self trust and safety and connection.

我的意思是，这简直是巨大的提升。

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

为了更清楚地说明如何修复关系，我想分享一些我称之为‘非修复’的例子，这些往往是大多数人——包括我自己——更自然会做的事。

To give a little more clarity around how to repair, I want to share a few examples of what I call not repair, which are things that come more naturally to most of us, definitely me included.

嘿，对不起我在厨房对你大喊大叫，但如果你没抱怨晚餐，这事根本不会发生。

Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened.

你真的应该感恩生活中的一些事，比如一顿家常饭。

You you really need to be grateful for things in your life, like a home cooked meal.

这样你就不会被吼了。

Then you won't get yelled at.

这些干预不仅没能实现重新连接的目标，还暗示你的孩子引发了你的反应，这根本不对，也不是我们想传递给下一代的情绪调节模式。

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction, which simply isn't true and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

所以，假设我们都抵制了‘反正都是你的错’这种不修复行为，转而优先选择能让我们重新连接的修复方式。

So let's say we've all resisted the it was your fault anyway, not repairs, and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

那会带来什么影响呢？

What might the impact be?

这种影响在成年后会是什么样子？

What might that look like in adulthood?

我的成年孩子在犯错时不会陷入自责，也不会为别人的错误承担责任。

My adult child won't spiral in self blame when they make a mistake and won't take on blame for someone else's mistake.

我的成年孩子会知道如何为自己的行为负责，因为你已经为他们树立了为自己的行为负责的榜样。

My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours.

今天与孩子修复关系，为这些关键的成年关系模式奠定了基础。

Repairing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

而且，情况会变得更好。

Plus, it gets better.

现在我重新与儿子建立了联系，我可以做一件真正有影响力的事。

Now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful.

我可以教他一项他原本不具备的技能，那就是孩子真正改变行为的方式。

I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior.

所以也许第二天，我会说：你知道，你不可能总是喜欢我做的饭。

So maybe the next day, I say, you know, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner.

与其说‘这太难吃了’，不如试着说‘这不是我最喜欢的’。

Instead of saying, that's disgusting, I wonder if you could say, not my favorite.

现在，我正在教他如何调节自己合理的失望情绪，并以有效且尊重的方式与他人沟通。

Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person.

如果我当时把我的反应归咎于他，这种情况根本不会发生。

That never would have happened if instead I had been blaming him for my reaction.

所以，现在是你可能还存有疑虑的地方。

So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern.

也许你会想，我觉得我的孩子比你的孩子年龄大。

Maybe you're thinking, you know, I have a feeling my kid's older than your kid.

我觉得已经太晚了。

I think it's too late.

或者我在厨房里做得比你更糟。

Or I've done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen.

也许已经太晚了。

Maybe it's too late.

我的意思是，认真对待这件事。

Well, mean this.

如果你从这次演讲中只记住一件事，请记住这一句。

If you have only one takeaway from this talk, please let this be it.

现在还不晚。

It is not too late.

永远都不晚。

It is never too late.

我怎么知道？

How do I know?

想象一下，就在说完这些之后，你接到父母中的一位打来的电话。

Well, imagine right after this, you get a call from one of your parents.

如果你的父母都不在了，那就想象你发现并打开了一封你从未见过的信。

And if neither of your parents are alive, imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment.

好的。

Okay.

和我一起想象这个场景。

Walk through this with me.

这是电话。

Here's the call.

嘿。

Hey.

我知道这听起来很突然，但我一直在回想你的童年。

I know this sounds out of the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.

我觉得那时有很多时刻让你感觉非常糟糕。

And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you.

你有这种感觉是对的。

And you were right to feel that way.

那些时刻并不是你的错。

Those moments weren't your fault.

那是我正经历困难的时候，如果我能回到过去，我会退后一步，让自己冷静下来，然后去找你，帮你应对你当时所面临的困扰。

They were times when I was struggling, and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside, I would have calmed myself down and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

对不起。

I'm sorry.

如果你愿意和我聊聊那些时刻中的任何一件事，我会认真听。

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I'll listen.

我倾听不是为了反驳。

I won't listen to have a rebuttal.

我倾听是为了理解。

I'll listen to understand.

我爱你。

I love you.

我经常听到，很多成年人对这个练习都会有非常强烈的反应。

I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that exercise.

我常常听到有人问：我为什么哭了？

I often hear, why am I crying?

或者听我说，这可能不会改变一切，但可能会改变一些事情。

Or listen, that wouldn't change everything, but it might change some things.

我的数学肯定不怎么样，但我有一件事非常确定。

Well, I definitely do not special in math, but here's something I know with certainty.

如果你有一个孩子，那个孩子一定比你年轻。

If you have a child, that child is younger than you are.

永远如此。

Always true.

他们的人生故事更短，也更容易修改。

The story of their life is shorter and even more amenable to editing.

所以，如果这个想象中的练习对你产生了影响，那么想象一下，一次真正的修复会对你的孩子产生怎样的影响。

So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child.

看吧，我早就说了，永远都不算晚。

See, I told you, it's never too late.

谢谢。

Thank you.

这是贝基·肯尼迪在2023年TED大会上的演讲。

That was Becky Kennedy speaking at TED twenty twenty three.

这段演讲最初发布于九月。

This talk was originally published in September.

如果你对TED的选材标准感兴趣，可以访问ted.com/curationguidelines了解更多。

If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at ted.com/curationguidelines.

今天就到这里了。

And that's it for today.

TED每日演讲是TED音频合集的一部分。

TED Talks Daily is part of the TED audio collective.

本演讲由TED研究团队进行事实核查，并由我们的团队——玛莎·埃斯特瓦诺斯、奥利弗·弗里德曼、布莱恩·格林、露西·利特尔和坦斯ika·苏恩贡·尼沃恩——制作和编辑。

This talk was fact checked by the TED research team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estevanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sungmar Nivong.

本集由克里斯托弗·法齐·博甘混音。

This episode was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan.

特别感谢艾玛·陶布纳和达尼埃拉·巴雷雷佐的支持。

Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniella Balarezo.

我是伊丽丝·胡。

I'm Elise Hu.

明天我会带着一个全新的想法回到你的信息流中。

I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.

AI先驱汤姆·格鲁伯发明了Siri。

AI pioneer Tom Gruber invented Siri.

我的名字？

My name?

是Siri。

It's Siri.

如今，他正参与一场运动，推动硅谷企业家们打造能改善人类命运而非毁灭人类的AI。

Today he's part of a movement pushing Silicon Valley entrepreneurs to build AI that improves humanity doesn't doom it.

我认为这不仅仅是监管的问题。

I think it's not just a matter of regulation.

而是科学议程的问题。

It's a matter of the scientific agenda.

敬请期待下一期《TED电台秀》，来自NPR。

That's next time on the TED Radio Hour from NPR.

请在您收听播客的平台收听并订阅《TED电台秀》。

Listen and subscribe to the TED Radio Hour wherever you get your podcasts.