为什么你应该让父母失望 | 黛西·阿哈万（重发）

你正在收听《每日TED演讲》，每天为你带来新思想，激发你的好奇心。

You're listening to TED Talks daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day.

我是你的主持人，伊莉丝·胡。

I'm your host, Elise Hu.

当父母为你规划的生活，和你真正想要的生活不相符时，你会怎么做？

What do you do when the life your parents built for you doesn't fit the life you want?

电影制作人德西蕾·阿卡万，花了很长时间思考这个问题。

Filmmaker Desiree Akhavan has spent a long time sitting with that question.

你的生活什么时候才能真正属于你自己，而不是属于你的父母或你的社群？

When does your life get to be your own and not your parents or your communities?

作为伊朗移民的女儿，我从小就被教育说，答案永远都不会是属于你自己。

As the daughter of Iranian immigrants, I was raised to believe the answer is never.

在她2023年的演讲中，她回顾了自己从以为必须成为的那种女儿，到最终成为真实自我的历程。

In her 2023 talk, she traces her journey from the kind of daughter she thought she had to be to who she actually is.

她提出，让最爱你的人失望，可能是你为自己和整个社群做过的最诚实、最重要的事。

She makes the case for why disappointing the people you love most might be the most honest and important thing you can do for yourself and your community.

我放下了对‘好’的固有想法，不再试图迎合别人眼中的标准，

I let go of my idea of good and trying to fit into it, other people's notion of good, and

最终，我找到了属于自己的路。

I ended up finding my own.

我的父母是我生命的中心。

My parents are the heart of me.

他们塑造了我，但无权为我的人生定规矩。

They built me, but they don't get to determine the rules of my life.

稍事休息后，我们马上继续。

That's coming up right after a short break.

接下来是今天的TED演讲。

And now our TED talk of the day.

《小美人鱼》上映时我才五岁，当时我觉得它简直是神作。

I was five years old when The Little Mermaid came out, and I was convinced it was a work of genius.

但我妈妈并不这么认为。

My mother did not agree.

说真的，她的话也有道理。

To be fair, she had a point.

电影里，小美人鱼违抗父亲，只为追一个男人，还把整个族群都置于危险之中。

In the film, the mermaid disobeys her father to chase some guy and put her entire species at risk.

在妈妈眼里，她就是美国文化最糟一面养出来的不知感恩的娇生惯养的孩子。

And to my mom, she was the ungrateful spoiled product of the very worst in American culture.

妈妈希望我像《美女与野兽》里的贝儿那样。

Mom wanted me to be like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

如果你忘了，贝儿是自愿替父亲去当野兽的囚徒，一辈子都不出来——直到今天，这依然是移民子女被要求达到的最低牺牲标准。

And in case you forgot, Belle volunteers to replace her father as a prisoner to a bloodthirsty beast for the rest of her life, which to this day remains the base level of sacrifice expected of you as a child of immigrants.

你的生活什么时候才能真正属于你自己，而不是你父母或你社区的？

When does your life get to be your own and not your parents' or your community's?

作为伊朗移民的女儿，我从小就被灌输：答案永远都不会是‘有那一天’。

As the daughter of Iranian immigrants, I was raised to believe the answer is never.

但我认为，全世界的移民父母可能都搞错了。

But I would like to argue that the immigrant parents of the world might have it wrong.

事实上，我觉得你该让父母失望一下。

In fact, I think you should disappoint your parents.

我觉得，让父母失望，说不定是你这辈子遇到的最好的事。

I think that maybe disappointing your parents could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

我父母是那种乖巧听话的伊朗孩子。

My parents were good, obedient Iranian children.

他们俩的婚姻不是包办的，是人介绍的，见面三个月就结婚了。

Their marriage wasn't arranged, it was introduced, and they were married three months after meeting.

他26岁，她19岁。

He was 26 and she was 19.

我19岁那年，坐在餐桌旁，陪着父母和他们的朋友，其中一个人说：说实话，我宁愿孩子得癌症，也不愿他们是同性恋。

When I was 19, I found myself seated at a table with my parents and their friends when one of them said, Honestly, I would rather my children to have cancer than to be gay.

他们对我说：妈妈，你这是恐同，可我能怎么办呢？

They say to me, Momma, you are being the homophobia, but what can I say?

这确实是实话。

It is the truth.

大家都笑了，因为那确实是实话。

And everyone laughed, because, yeah, it was the truth.

因为他们都不用担心自己的孩子会是同性恋。

And because none of them would ever have to worry about one of their kids being gay.

他们都养出了听话顺从的伊朗孩子，将来还会和别的听话顺从的伊朗孩子结婚。

They had all raised good, obedient Iranian kids who would marry other good, obedient Iranian kids.

那次谈话六年后，我告诉父母我爱上了女人。

I told my parents I was in love with a woman six years after that conversation.

我闭着眼睛说的，就像从摩天大楼上跳下去一样。

I did it with my eyes closed, like I was jumping off a skyscraper.

我妈一生气就非得问个底朝天，像在侦破坏消息似的，非得挖出你背后还藏着什么更糟的事。

When my mom's upset, she wants all the information, like she is a bad news detective and she's trying to sniff out the even worse betrayal that you're hiding behind your back.

我爸爸完全不一样。

My dad is the complete opposite.

他要是突然一声不吭，那就说明事情真糟透了。

You can tell it's real bad when he goes completely silent.

这就像是直接给他按了关机键。

It's kind of like you flip his off switch.

你为什么不能把私生活藏好呢？

Why can't you keep your private life private?

这是我弟弟想问的问题。

Is what my brother wanted to know.

他出生在伊朗，一岁前就离开了，但那段早期经历却让他深深烙上了对规矩的执着，而我从来就没有这种东西。

He was born in Iran and left before he turned one, but those early days managed to infuse him with a sense of propriety that's always eluded me.

我出生在纽约，所以我就成了那种典型的、自以为是的千禧一代。

Cause I was born in New York, which is why I am an entitled millennial cliche.

我根本不会撒谎，这算是个性格缺陷。

I'm incapable of lying, and it is a character flaw.

太直来直去，显得很没教养。

It's gauche to be so straightforward.

这根本谈不上什么优雅。

There's no elegance to it.

伊朗人表达意思，靠的是话里话外的潜台词。

Iranians communicate their meaning in the spaces between their words.

那些言外之意。

The implications.

你得学会一种沉默的第二语言。

You have to learn a second silent language.

他们甚至有个专门的词叫‘塔罗夫’，就是那种虚情假意的客气。

There's even a word for it, ta'rof, the art of disingenuous generosity.

从小就被教育，明明不想给，也得一直推让；明明不想说，也得硬着头皮说，因为这是强制性的礼貌。

We're raised to keep offering things we don't actually want to offer and say things that we don't actually mean but must out of mandatory aggressive politeness.

直到现在，你在伊朗打车付钱，司机都会连声说：不不不不不，对你来说免费。

To this day, when you go to pay for a cab in Iran, they'll say, no, no, no, no, no, for you, it's free.

你对我来说，就像姐妹、女儿，甚至是母亲。

You are like a sister, a daughter, a mother to me.

我怎么可能收你钱。

I could never charge you.

接下来，你就得想办法让他们收钱。

And then it's your job to convince them to charge you.

等他们终于同意收钱了，你还得跟他们讨价还价，别让他们坑了你。

Then once you've convinced them to charge you, you need to haggle them down so they don't rip you off.

当移民的孩子，就像一出生就成了寡妇。

Being the child of immigrants is like being born a widow.

这种失去感，早就刻在你骨子里了。

The loss is baked into you.

你从小就在怀念一个从未真正去过、也早已不复当年模样的地方。

You grow up intrinsically homesick for a place that you've never known and that no longer exists the way your family remembers it.

我们的家，就像凝固在时光里的伊朗：墙上挂着罗杰画的浓眉女性弹奏西塔琴，还有一个占了厨房台面八成空间的茶炊。

Our home was a testament to an Iran locked in time, Roger paintings of unibrowed women playing the sitar and a samovar that took 80% of the kitchen island.

我们听的音乐是波斯语的，老掉牙了，还充斥着过多的电子键盘声。

The music we listened to was Persian, dated and featured way too much electric keyboard.

就连我学的波斯语，也早就过时了。

Even the Farsi I was taught to speak is antiquated.

我说‘愿你双手不疼’，其实我心里想的只是‘谢谢’。

I say, may your hands not hurt, when all I want to say is thanks.

我们不去搞车尾派对，我们去参加梅蒙尼聚会，那种客人至少五十人的宴席。

We didn't go tailgating, we went to Mehmunis, parties, where there were no fewer than 50 guests.

晚饭从来不会在十一点前开饭，跳得卖力点，连腋下都汗湿了。

Dinner was never served before eleven, and you danced so hard, you left with pit stains.

在海外当伊朗人，意味着把八卦当成表达爱的方式。

Being Iranian in the diaspora means gossip as your love language.

我们热衷于打听每个人生活的细枝末节，不是因为我们刻薄，而是因为我们真正在意。

We dig into the messiest details of everyone's lives, not because we're assholes, but because we care.

那就是制造戏剧性，比如我听见我爸在计划办派对，要烤维翁烤肉、维翁牛排，这可是大事，我可不能输。

It's bringing the drama, like when I overheard my father planning a party, Vevont kebab, vevont fillet, this is vore, and I do not intend to lose.

那就是在意面子，压抑最不堪的回忆，这些早已刻进我的骨子里。

It's being obsessed with status, it's suffocating your ugliest memories, and it's built into my bones.

我怎么敢违背那个我们所有人都默默遵守、从不质疑的规矩？

How could I have the audacity to break free from the one rule we all silently agreed to follow blindly?

规矩是：你没资格定规矩，得听父母的。

The rule that you don't get to make the rules, your parents do.

那时候，没人见过既同性恋又伊朗人，所以我自己承认这一点，感觉荒唐得像宣布自己是小矮人。

There was no precedent to being gay and Iranian, So claiming it for myself felt ridiculous, like I was coming out as a leprechaun.

事实上，当时伊朗总统艾哈迈迪内贾德公开说过：我们国家没有同性恋。

In fact, the president of Iran at that time, Ahmadinejad, had publicly announced, in my country, we don't have homosexuals.

他就是没提，这可能跟同性恋在伊朗判死刑有关。

He just failed to mention that that might have something to do with the fact that homosexuality is punishable by death.

但当我给家里带来无法想象的耻辱时，一件不可思议的事发生了。

But the moment that I brought the worst shame imaginable onto my family, something incredible happened.

你知道吗？在彻底粉碎了你最爱的人、生养你的人的希望和梦想之后，最可怕的是什么？

Do you know what is scary after destroying the hopes and dreams of the people that you love the most, the people that created you?

什么都没有。

Literally nothing.

失去家人之后，我连恐惧都失去了。

In the wake of losing my family, I lost my fear.

我根本没想到，直到那时，恐惧一直主宰着我的生活。

I had no idea that fear had been driving my life up until that point.

怕自己怪异、错误、丑陋、糟糕。

Fear of being strange, wrong, ugly, bad.

我总是担心自己会丢人现眼。

I was always so afraid I was embarrassing myself.

但自从我出柜的那一刻起，这些就都不再重要了。

But from the moment I came out, none of that really mattered anymore.

我已经不可能再更丢人了。

There was no way to out shame myself.

于是，当我们不再交谈时，我开始写作。

So as we stopped talking, I started writing.

从九岁写第一个剧本起，我就想当导演。

I'd wanted to be a filmmaker since I was nine years old and wrote my first script.

那是个搞笑短剧，里面有个假广告，卖一种叫‘Vomlet’的产品——用呕吐物做的煎蛋。

It was a sketch comedy show that featured a fake advert for a product called Vomlet, the omelet made of vomit.

从那以后，我一直迫切想找到自己的声音，但写字的时候总跟自己保持着距离。

I'd been desperate to find my voice ever since, but I was always writing at arm's length from myself.

出柜之后，我再也没有理由藏私了，于是就彻底放开了。

After I came out, there was no reason to hold back, so I didn't.

我跟当时的女朋友一起合作拍了一部网络剧。

I cocreated a web series with my girlfriend at the time.

讲的是一对表面肤浅、有恐同倾向的女同性恋。

It was about a pair of superficial, homophobic lesbians.

这是我人生中第一次，我的作品真正触动了别人。

And for the first time in my life, my work started speaking to other people.

我

I

放下了对‘好’的固有想法，不再试图迎合别人眼中的标准。

let go of my idea of good and trying to fit into it, other people's notion of good,

结果，我找到了属于自己的‘好’。

and I ended up finding my own.

之后，我写了剧本、执导并主演了我的第一部电影，讲的是一个自我中心、藏匿性取向的伊朗千禧一代刻板形象。

After that, I wrote, directed and starred in my first film, which explored themes of being a self indulgent, closeted Iranian millennial cliche.

这部电影在圣丹斯电影节首映了。

That film premiered at Sundance.

我的下一部电影拿了圣丹斯奖。

My next film won Sundance.

后来，我父母终于明白，同性恋并不是什么不治之症，我们重新找回了彼此，但这次是用新的方式相处。

Eventually, my parents realized that being gay wasn't a death sentence, and we found each other, but on new terms.

他们是我生命的中心。

They are the heart of me.

是他们把我养大的。

They built me.

但他们无权替我定下生活的规矩。

But they don't get to determine the rules of my life.

谁都没这个权力。

Nobody does.

我鼓励你去让父母失望，去问问那些他们从上一代传下来的规矩，是不是你真心想为自己定下的规则。

I challenge you to disappoint your parents and to take the rules that they passed down from their own parents and ask if those are rules that you would choose for yourself.

我鼓励你更诚实一点，少顺从一点，不只是对父母，也对这个世界。

I challenge you to be a little more honest and a little less obedient, not just with your parents but with the world.

我妈妈高中毕业纪念册里写的是：人应该像鸭子一样，表面平静安详，底下却拼命划水。

My mother's high school yearbook quote says, one should live life like a duck, calm and serene on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath.

我不同意这种说法。

I beg to differ.

表面平静安详，不过是给别人看的。

Calm and serene is for other people's benefit.

其实，拼命划水才是最有意思的部分。

The paddling, it turns out, is the good bit.

拼命划水，才是活着的真谛。

The paddling is what it is to be alive.

我曾经无意中听到我爸对别人说：我知道自己只有两个选择。

I once overheard my father tell someone, I knew I had two choices.

接受不了就别认我这个女儿。

Get over it or lose my daughter.

我也曾面临过类似的抉择。

I faced a similar choice.

要么按自己的标准活着，冒着失去家人的风险；要么按他们的规矩活着，永远没机会认识真正的自己。

Live life according to my own standards and risk losing my family, or live according to their rules and never get the opportunity to meet myself.

我赌了一把，结果出乎意料，我赢了。

I took a calculated risk, and against all odds, I won.

谢谢。

Thank you.

刚才那是德西蕾·阿哈万在2023年TED侨民伊朗活动上的演讲。

That was Desiree Akhavan at the TED Diaspora Iranian event in 2023.

这段演讲最初发布于2024年4月。

This talk was originally published in April 2024.

如果你想了解TED的选题标准，可以去ted.com/curationguidelines看看。

If you're curious about Ted's curation, visit ted.com/curationguidelines.

今天就到这里了。

And that's it for today.

《TED 每日演讲》是 TED 推出的播客。

TED Talks Daily is a podcast from Ted.

本期节目由 TED 研究团队核对事实，由玛莎·埃斯特瓦诺斯、奥利弗·弗里德曼、露西·利特、艾玛·陶布纳和坦西卡·苏加尔纳万特共同制作与剪辑。

This episode was fact checked by the Ted research team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estevanos, Oliver Friedman, Lucy Little, Emma Taubner, and Tansika Sungarnivant.

特别感谢达尼埃拉·巴洛雷佐、克里斯托弗·法齐·博甘、瓦伦蒂娜·博哈尼尼、常斑斑、布莱恩·格林和莱妮·洛特的支持。

Additional support from Daniella Balorezo, Christopher Fazy Bogan, Valentina Bohanini, Banban Chang, Brian Green, and Lainie Lott.

更多内容请访问 podcasts.ted.com。

Learn more at podcasts.ted.com.

我是伊莉丝·胡。

I am Elise Hu.

明天同一时间，我会带来一个让你双脚焕然一新的新点子。

I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.

理查德·里弗斯对那些鼓吹极端男性气质的网络红人并不买账。

Richard Reeves is unimpressed by online influencers who peddle ideas about hypermasculinity.

你谈的是男孩和男人。

You're talking about boys and men.

我们实际上已经在为他们做实事了。

We're actually doing stuff for them.

你在播客里说得头头是道，可你的政策主张在哪？

You're good on podcasts, but where's your policy agenda?

我们确实为男孩和男人做了不少事。

We've actually done a bunch of stuff for boys and men.

抱歉。

Sorry.

那你具体做了什么？

What have you done?

关于下一代男性气质的思考。

Ideas about the next era of manhood.

接下来请关注NPR的《TED电台》。

That's next time on the TED Radio Hour from NPR.

欢迎在您常用的播客平台收听并订阅《TED电台》。

Listen and subscribe to the TED Radio Hour wherever you get your podcasts.