156 脆弱的力量

那我先从这一点说起。

So I'll start with this.

几年前，一位活动策划联系了我，因为我即将去做一场演讲。她打电话说：‘我实在不知道该怎么在宣传单上写你的介绍。’

A couple of years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event, and she called and she said, I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer.

我当时想，这有什么难的？

And I thought, well, what's the struggle?

她说：‘我看过你的演讲，我觉得该称你为研究者，但又怕这么写没人来，大家会觉得你枯燥又不相关。’

And she said, well, I saw you speak and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant.

我就回她：‘哦，这样啊。’

And I was like, okay.

她接着说：‘不过我特别喜欢你演讲的方式，你是个会讲故事的人，所以我想干脆就称你为讲故事的人吧。’

And she said, so but the thing I liked about your talk is, you know, you're a storyteller, so I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller.

当然，我内心那个学术圈的不安部分立刻冒出来了：‘你说什么？叫我什么？’

And of course, the academic insecure part of me was like, you're going to call me a what?

她又说：‘我就叫你讲故事的人。’

And she said, I'm going to call you a storyteller.

我当时就想，干嘛不直接叫我‘魔法小仙子’呢？

And I was like, why not magic pixie?

我心想，等等，让我好好想想。

I was like, I don't let me think about this for a second.

于是我鼓起勇气，对自己说：没错，我确实是个讲故事的人。

And so I tried to call deep on my courage, and I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

我是个定性研究者。

I'm a qualitative researcher.

我收集的是故事。

I collect stories.

这就是我的工作。

That's what I do.

也许故事就是有灵魂的数据，你说对吧？也许我真就是一个讲故事的人。

And maybe stories are just data with a soul, you know, and maybe I'm just a storyteller.

于是我跟她说：你知道吗？

So I said, you know what?

你干嘛不直接说我是做研究的故事讲述者呢？

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher storyteller?

她却说，根本没这种说法。

And she went, there's no such thing.

所以我就是个做研究的故事讲述者。

So I'm a researcher storyteller.

今天我想跟你们聊聊拓展认知这个话题，我想跟你们分享一些我研究中的故事，这些故事彻底改变了我对世界的看法，也真正影响了我生活、爱、工作和为人父母的方式。

And I'm going to talk to you today, we're talking about expanding perception, and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.

我的故事就从这里开始。

And this is where my story starts.

我刚当研究员、还是博士生第一年的时候，有一位研究导师对我们说：记住，如果你没法衡量它，那它就不存在。

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.

我当时还以为他是在哄我呢。

And I thought he was just sweet talking to me.

真的吗？

I was like, really?

他却说，当然了。

And he's like, absolutely.

所以你得知道，我本科读的是社会工作，硕士也是社会工作，当时正在攻读社会工作的博士学位。

So you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, I was getting my PhD in social work.

我整个学术生涯都处在这样一群人中间——他们觉得生活本来就是乱糟糟的，那就接受吧，你知道的。但我呢，更倾向于生活乱糟糟？那就收拾干净，整理好，装进便当盒里。

So my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the life's messy, love it, you know, and I more the life's messy, clean it up, organize it, and put it into a bento box.

所以我一直以为，自己找到了一条路，一条能让我真正理解社会工作里那句名言的路：直面工作中的不适。

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me know, really one of the big sayings in social work is lean into the discomfort of the work.

可我呢，是想一拳把不适打飞，挪到一边，然后拿个全A。

And I'm like, you know, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's.

这一直是我信奉的座右铭。

That was my mantra.

所以我对这件事特别兴奋。

So I was very excited about this.

于是我心想，你知道吗？

And so I thought, you know what?

这份工作最适合我，因为我对一些复杂的问题感兴趣，但我想让它们变得清晰有序。

This is the career for me because I am interested in some messy topics, but I want to be able to make them not messy.

我想真正理解它们。

I want to understand them.

我想深入这些我认为重要的领域，把背后的逻辑理清楚，让所有人都看得明白。

I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.

所以我一开始关注的是人与人之间的联系。

So where I started was with connection.

因为当你做了十年社会工作后，你会明白，人与人之间的联系才是我们存在的根本原因。

Because by the time you're a social worker for ten years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

它赋予了我们生命意义和方向。

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

这才是真正重要的事。

This is what it's all about.

不管你是在做社会正义、心理健康，还是应对虐待与忽视，都是一样的。

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect.

我们知道，连接感——那种能够与他人建立联系的能力——从神经生物学上讲，就是我们天生的构造，也是我们存在的原因。

What we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is neurobiologically, that's how we're wired, it's why we're here.

所以我心想，好吧，我就从连接感入手吧。

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

你有没有遇到过这种情况：你收到老板的评估，她说了你37个做得特别棒的地方，但只提了一点你需要改进的地方。

Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome and one thing that you can't you know, an opportunity for growth.

而你脑子里只转着那一点不足，对吧？

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?

看来，我的研究也是这么个情况。

Well, apparently, this is the way my work went as well.

因为当你问人们关于爱的事，他们只会跟你讲心碎的经历。

Because when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.

当你问他们关于归属感，他们会跟你诉说被排斥时最痛苦的时刻。

When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

当你问他们关于连接，他们告诉我的，全是疏离的故事。

And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were disconnection.

所以，就在这项研究开始大约六周后，我遇到了一种说不上名字的东西，它彻底破坏了人与人之间的连接，我以前从没遇到过，也不明白为什么会这样。

So very quickly, really about six weeks into this research, I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

于是我暂时退出了研究，心想：我得搞清楚这到底是什么。

And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

结果发现，那就是羞耻感。

And it turned out to be shame.

羞耻感其实很好理解，就是对被孤立的恐惧。

And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection.

我身上是不是有什么东西，一旦别人知道了、看到了，就会觉得我不配拥有连接？

Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?

我能告诉你们的是，这种感觉普遍存在。

The things I can tell you about it, it's universal.

每个人都逃不掉。

We all have it.

唯一不会感到羞耻的人，根本缺乏共情和建立连接的能力。

The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

没人愿意谈这个，越不说，它就越根深蒂固。

No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

这种‘我不够好’的羞耻感，我们都懂——不够瘦、不够有钱、不够漂亮、不够聪明、升职不够快。

What underpinned this shame, this I'm not good enough, which we all know that feeling, I'm not blank enough, I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.

支撑这种羞耻感的，是一种令人痛苦的脆弱感。

The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.

要建立真正的连接，我们就得允许自己被看见，完完全全地被看见。

This idea of in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

你知道我对脆弱感是什么态度。

And you know how I feel about vulnerability.

我讨厌脆弱。

I hate vulnerability.

于是我心想，这正是我用尺子把它压下去的好机会。

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

我要一头扎进去，搞清楚这一切，花上一年时间，彻底拆解羞耻感，弄懂脆弱的运作方式，然后把它玩弄于股掌之中。

I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it.

所以我准备好了，而且特别兴奋。

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

你知道的，结果并不会如你所愿。

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

你心里清楚。

You know this.

我可以跟你讲很多关于羞耻的事，但那就得占用别人的时间了。

So I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

但我可以告诉你，这一切归根结底是什么——这可能是我这十年研究中学到的最重要的事之一。

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to, and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.

原本计划的一年，变成了六年，收集了成千上万个故事，进行了数百场深度访谈和焦点小组讨论。

My one year has turned into six years, thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

有一阵子，人们纷纷寄来日记页和他们的亲身经历，成千上万份资料，整整六年。

At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories, thousands of pieces of data, and six years.

最后，我总算摸清了一些门道。

And I kind of got a handle on it.

我渐渐明白，羞耻就是这么回事，它是这样运作的。

I kind of understood this is what shame is, this is how it works.

我写了一本书，提出了一个理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲。

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay.

如果我把采访过的这些人粗略分成两类：一类是真正有自我价值感的人——这就是核心，一种价值感，

And what it was, is that if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness, that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness.

他们拥有强烈的爱与归属感。

They have a strong sense of love and belonging.

另一类则一直在挣扎，总在怀疑自己是否足够好。

And folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

在这两类人之间，唯一的区别就在于，那些拥有强烈爱与归属感的人，相信自己值得被爱、值得拥有归属。

There was only one variable that separated the people who had a strong sense of love and belonging, and the people who really struggle for it, and that was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

就这么简单。

That's it.

他们相信自己值得。

They believe they're worthy.

对我来说，阻碍我们建立联系的最关键因素，就是我们害怕自己不配得到连接，这一点让我在个人和专业层面都迫切想要更深入地理解。

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that personally and professionally I felt like I needed to understand better.

于是我翻出了所有那些展现出价值感的访谈，那些真正活出这种状态的人，只看这些部分。

So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

这些人的共同点是什么？

What do these people have in common?

我有点收藏文具的癖好，不过那是另一个话题了。

And I have a slight office supply addiction, but it's another talk.

我拿出了一个马尼拉文件夹，还有一支记号笔，心想：这研究该叫什么名字呢？

I had a Manila folder and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going call this research?

我脑子里第一个冒出来的词就是‘全然投入’。

And the first words that came to my mind were wholehearted.

这些人都算是全然投入的人，他们从内心深处感受到自己的价值。

These are kind of wholehearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness.

于是我写下了‘全然投入’这几个字，贴在文件夹顶端，然后开始分析数据。

So I wrote at the top of the Manila folder, and I started looking at the data.

事实上，我先用四天时间做了密集的数据分析，重新翻看这些访谈，整理出故事和具体事件，找出其中的主题和模式。

In fact, I did it first in a four day, very intensive data analysis where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents, what's the theme, what's the pattern?

我丈夫带着孩子出门了，因为每次我一进入这种状态，就像杰克逊·波洛克发疯一样，满屋子写写画画，完全进入研究员模式。

My husband left town with the kids, because I always go into this kind of Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just like writing and going and kind of just in my researcher mode.

这就是我找到的结果。

And so here's what I found.

他们共同的特点是一种勇气。

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

我想先跟你澄清一下勇气和勇敢的区别。

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

‘勇气’这个词最初进入英语时，源自拉丁语‘cur’，意思是‘心’，原本的意思是：用全然的心，讲述真实的自己。

Courage, the original definition of courage when came it into the English language, it's from the Latin word cur, meaning heart, and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

这些人简单来说，就是有勇气接受自己的不完美。

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

他们对自己和他人都充满同理心，因为说到底，如果我们不能善待自己，就不可能真正地对别人展现同理心。

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

最后一点是他们拥有真正的联结，而这正是源于真诚所带来的挑战。

And the last was they had connection, and this was the hard part, as a result of authenticity.

他们愿意放下自己以为应该成为的样子，去做真实的自己——要建立联结，这一点至关重要。

They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which is you have to absolutely do that for connection.

他们身上另一个共同点是这一点。

The other thing that they had in common was this.

他们完全接纳了自己的脆弱。

They fully embraced vulnerability.

他们相信，正是那些让他们显得脆弱的地方，才造就了他们的美。

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

他们从不谈论脆弱是否让人舒服，也极少说它有多痛苦——这和我之前在羞耻访谈中听到的不一样。

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating, as I had heard earlier in the shame interviewing.

他们只说，脆弱是必不可少的。

They just talked about it being necessary.

他们谈到，愿意先说出‘我爱你’。

They talked about the willingness to say I love you first.

愿意去做那些没有把握的事情。

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.

愿意在做完乳腺检查后，静静等待医生来电时，深呼吸撑过去。

The willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram.

愿意投入一段可能成功也可能失败的关系。

The willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

他们觉得这是根本性的。

They thought this was fundamental.

我本人觉得这简直是一种背叛。

I personally thought it was betrayal.

我简直不敢相信，我竟投身于一项研究，而研究的定义明明是控制和预测，是为了明确地去研究现象、掌控和预判。

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research where our job, you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomenon for the explicit reason to control and predict.

可现在，我原本想控制和预测的使命，却得出了这样一个答案：活着的方式，就是接纳脆弱，停止控制和预判。

And now my you know, my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting.

这让我有点崩溃，其实看起来更像是这样。

This led to a little breakdown, Which actually looked more like this.

确实如此。

And it did.

这导致了我称之为崩溃的一段时期。

It led to a I call it a breakdown.

我的治疗师管这叫精神觉醒。

My therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.

精神觉醒听起来比崩溃好听多了，但我向你保证，那真的就是一场崩溃。

A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown.

我不得不把数据收起来，去找一位治疗师。

And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

我跟你说，当你给朋友打电话说‘我觉得我需要找个人聊聊，你有推荐吗？’的时候，你就知道自己处于什么状态了。

Let me tell you something, you know who you are when you call your friends and say, I think I need to see somebody who do you have any recommendations?

我大概有五个朋友一听就说：‘哇，我可不敢当你治疗师。’

Because about five of my friends are like, whoo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist.

我当时就问：‘这话是什么意思？’

I was like, what does that mean?

他们说，我只是想提醒你，别拿你的标准去衡量别人。

And they're like, I'm just saying, know, don't bring your measuring stick.

我说，好吧。

I was like, okay.

于是我找了一位心理咨询师。

So I found a therapist.

第一次见她，戴安娜的时候，我带去了那份关于‘全然生活’的人该是什么样的清单。

My first meeting with her, Diana, I brought in my list of the way the wholehearted live.

我坐下来，她问我：你最近怎么样？

And I sat down and she said, you know, how are you?

我说：我挺好的，没什么大问题。

And I said, I'm great, you know, I'm okay.

她问：那你到底怎么了？

And she said, what's going on?

我说，这位可是专门给心理咨询师做咨询的，因为我们自己也需要找人聊，毕竟他们的‘忽悠探测器’特别准。

And I said, and this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their BS meters are good.

于是我跟她说：实话讲，我最近挺挣扎的。

And so I said, Here's the thing, I'm struggling.

她问：你具体在挣扎什么？

And she said, What's the struggle?

我说：我有个脆弱性的问题。我知道脆弱是羞耻、恐惧和追求自我价值的核心，但我也发现，它同时也是喜悦、创造力、归属感和爱的源头。我觉得我可能真的出问题了。

And I said, Well, I have a vulnerability issue, I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love, and I I think I have a problem.

我真的需要一些帮助。

And I just I need some help.

我还说：但别谈家庭问题，别提童年往事，我就只想找些实用的办法。

And I said, but here's the thing, no family stuff, no childhood shit, I just I just need some strategies.

谢谢。

Thank you.

然后她就做了个这样的表情。

So she goes like this.

我接着说：情况挺糟的。

And then I said, it's bad.

对吧？

Right?

她说，这既不是好也不是坏。

And she said, it's neither good nor bad.

它就是它本来的样子。

It just is what it is.

我说，天哪，这下可糟了。

And I said, oh my god, this is gonna suck.

结果呢，确实糟了，但也没那么糟。

And it did and it didn't.

大概花了一年时间。

And it took about a year.

你知道吗，有些人一意识到脆弱和温柔很重要，就会彻底放下，主动迎上去？

And you know how there are people that like when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they kind of surrender and walk into it?

但那种人，不是我。

A, that's not me.

而且，我根本就不会跟那种人来往。

And B, I don't even hang out with people like that.

对我来说，这是一整年的街头搏斗。

For me, it was a year long street fight.

简直就是一场硬碰硬的死磕。

It was a slugfest.

脆弱感往前冲，我就拼命抵抗。

Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

我输了这场仗，但可能赢回了自己的人生。

I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.

于是我又回到研究里，接下来几年拼命想搞清楚：那些真正活出自我、无所畏惧的人，到底在做哪些选择？我们到底该怎么面对脆弱？

And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they the wholehearted the choices they were making, what are we doing with vulnerability?

为什么我们对它这么抗拒？

Why do we struggle with it so much?

只有我一个人在为脆弱而挣扎吗？

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

不是。

No.

这就是我学到的。

So this is what I learned.

我们总是回避脆弱。

We numb vulnerability.

当我们等着那通电话的时候，挺有意思的。

When we're waiting for the call, it was funny.

我在推特和脸书上发了一条内容，问大家：你怎么定义脆弱？

I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, how would you define vulnerability?

什么会让你感到脆弱？

What makes you feel vulnerable?

一个半小时内，我就收到了150条回复。

And within an hour and a half, I had a 150 responses.

因为我想知道，外面到底是什么情况？

Because I wanted to know, you know, what's out there?

因为生病了，刚结婚就得向丈夫求助。

Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick and we're newly married.

主动提出亲密关系却被拒绝，约人出去却担心被拒，等医生回电，被裁员，或者裁员别人。

Initiating sex with my husband initiating sex with my wife being turned down asking someone out waiting for the doctor to call back getting laid off laying off people.

这就是我们生活的世界。

This is the world we live in.

我们活在一个充满脆弱的世界里。

We live in a vulnerable world.

而我们应对它的一种方式，就是压抑这种脆弱感。

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

我觉得有证据表明，虽然这不是唯一的原因，但绝对是主要因素之一。

And I think there's evidence, and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think that it's a huge cause.

我们这一代成年人，在债务、肥胖、成瘾和药物依赖方面，都是历史上最严重的。

We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.

美国。

S.

历史。

History.

问题是，我从研究中发现，你无法有选择地麻痹情感。

The problem is, and I learned this from the research, that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

你不能说：这些是负面的情绪——脆弱、悲伤、羞耻、恐惧、失望，我都不想感受。

You can't say, here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment.

我不想体会这些。

I don't want to feel these.

我喝点啤酒，再吃个香蕉核桃松饼就好了。

I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

我不想体会这些。

I don't want to feel these.

我知道，这话说出来大家都会笑。

And I know that's knowing laughter.

我靠窥探别人的生活为生。

I hack into your lives for a living.

那就是神性。

Know that's god.

你不可能只麻木那些痛苦的感受，而不影响其他情绪。

You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions.

你没法有选择地麻木。

You cannot selectively numb.

所以当我们压抑这些情绪时，连喜悦也被压下去了。

So when we numb those, we numb joy.

我们失去了感恩的能力。

We numb gratitude.

我们感受不到快乐。

We numb happiness.

然后我们变得痛苦，开始寻找人生的意义和目标。

And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning.

接着又感到脆弱，于是又喝几瓶啤酒，吃个香蕉核桃松饼。

And then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

这就形成了一种危险的循环。

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

我们需要思考的是，为什么和怎样才会选择麻木。

One of the things that I think that we need to think about is why and how we numb.

这可不只是成瘾的问题。

And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

我们还喜欢把所有不确定的事物强行变得确定。

The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain, certain.

宗教已经从对信仰和神秘的敬畏，变成了非黑即白的绝对正确。

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

我没错，你错了，别说了。

I'm right, you're wrong, shut up.

就是这样。

That's it.

就是一定要确定。

Just certain.

我们越害怕，就越感到脆弱，而越脆弱，就越害怕。

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are.

这就是当今政治的现状。

This is what politics looks like today.

已经没有真正的讨论了，也没有对话，只剩下指责。

There's no discourse anymore, there's no conversation, there's just blame.

你知道研究里是怎么描述指责的吗？

You know how blame is described in the research?

它是一种释放痛苦和不适的方式。

A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

我们追求完美。

We perfect.

如果有人希望自己生活得像这样，那一定是我。

If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me.

但这根本行不通，因为我们把屁股上的脂肪抽出来，填到脸上——真希望一百年后，人们回头看时会说：天啊。

But it doesn't work because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks, which just I hope in a hundred years people will look back and go, wow.

而我们最危险的完美化，是对我们的孩子。

And we perfect most dangerously our children.

让我告诉你，我们是怎么看待孩子的。

Let me tell you what we think about children.

他们生来就注定要面对挣扎。

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

当你抱着那些可爱的小婴儿时，我们的责任不是说：看啊，她多完美。

When you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, Look at her, she's perfect.

我的责任不是让她一直完美，非得让她五年级进网球队，七年级就发脾气。

My job is just to keep her perfect, make sure she makes a tennis team by fifth grade and yell by seventh grade.

那根本不是我们的责任。

That's not our job.

我们的责任是看着他们，说：你知道吗？

Our job is to look and say, You know what?

你并不完美，你生来就要经历挣扎，但你值得被爱，也值得拥有归属。

You're imperfect and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.

这才是我们的责任。

That's our job.

你要是能看到一代这样被养育的孩子，我们今天面临的那些问题就都能解决了。

Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.

我们总假装自己的行为对别人没什么影响。

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

在生活中是这样，在企业里也是，不管是救助计划、石油泄漏，还是产品召回。

We do that in our personal lives, we do that corporate, whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall.

我们总以为自己做的事不会对别人造成多大影响。

We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

我想对那些公司说：各位，这事儿我们不是第一次见了。

I would say to companies, This is not our first rodeo, people.

你们只需要真诚一点，坦率地说一句：对不起。

We just need you to be authentic and real and say, We're sorry.

我们会解决的。

We'll fix it.

但还有另一种方式，我想用这句话来结束今天的分享。

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

我发现，真正地让自己被看见——深刻地、毫无保留地被看见，才是关键。

This is what I have found, to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.

全心全意去爱，哪怕明知道没有保证。

To love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee.

这真的很难，作为父母，我可以告诉你，这简直是一种煎熬。

And that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult.

在那些充满恐惧的时刻，当你在想‘我真能这么爱一个人吗？’时，依然能心怀感恩与喜悦。

To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of kind of terror when we're wondering, can I love you this much?

我真能如此热忱地相信这件事吗？

Can I believe in this as passionately?

我真能如此坚定地守护它吗？

Can I be this fierce about this?

只是停下来，别总想着最坏的结果，而是说：我真的很感激。

Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen to say, I'm just so grateful.

因为感受到这种脆弱，说明我真正活着。

Because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.

最后一点，我觉得可能是最重要的：相信我们本身就足够好。

And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough.

因为当我从‘我足够好’这个信念出发时，我们就不再大喊大叫，而是开始倾听。

Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, I'm enough, then we stop screaming and start listening.

我们会对身边的人更温柔，也会对自己更温柔。

We're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

我就说这些。

That's all I have.

谢谢。

Thank you.