407 脆弱的力量

那我先从这个说起。

So I'll start with this.

几年前，一位活动策划联系了我，因为我要去演讲，她打电话说：我实在不知道该怎么在宣传单上写你的介绍。

A couple of years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event and she called and she said, I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer.

我当时就想，这有什么难的？

And I thought, well, what's the struggle?

她说：我看过你的演讲，本来想称你为研究者，但我怕这么写没人来，大家会觉得你枯燥又不相关。

And she said, well, I saw you speak and I'm going to call you a researcher, think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant.

我就回她：哦，这样啊。

And I was like, Okay.

她说：不过我特别喜欢你演讲的方式，你是个会讲故事的人，所以我想干脆就称你为讲故事的人。

And she said, So but the thing I liked about your talk is, you know, you're a storyteller, so I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller.

当然，我内心那个学术圈的不安部分立刻冒出来了：你说什么？叫我什么？

And of course, the academic insecure part of me was like, You're going to call me a what?

她说：我就叫你讲故事的人。

And she said, I'm going to call you a storyteller.

我当时就想，那干脆叫你魔法小精灵得了？

And I was like, Oh, why not magic pixie?

我跟自己说，等等，让我好好想想。

I was like, I don't let me think about this for a second.

于是我鼓起勇气，对自己说，没错，我确实是个讲故事的人。

And so I tried to call deep on my courage, and I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.

我是个定性研究者。

I'm a qualitative researcher.

我收集故事。

I collect stories.

这就是我的工作。

That's what I do.

也许故事就是有灵魂的数据，你说对吧？也许我确实就是个讲故事的人。

And maybe stories are just data with a soul, you know, and maybe I'm just a storyteller.

于是我跟她说，你知道吗？

So I said, you know what?

你干嘛不直接说我是做研究的故事讲述者呢？

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher storyteller?

她却说，根本没这种说法。

And she went, there's no such thing.

所以我就是个做研究的故事讲述者。

So I'm a researcher storyteller.

今天我想跟你们聊聊拓展认知这个话题，我想跟你们分享我研究中的一段经历，它彻底改变了我的认知，也真正影响了我生活、爱、工作和为人父母的方式。

And I'm going to talk to you today, we're talking about expanding perception, and so I want to talk to you and tell stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.

我的故事就从这里开始。

And this is where my story starts.

我刚当研究员、还是博士生第一年的时候，有一位研究导师对我们说：记住，如果你没法衡量它，那它就不存在。

When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.

我当时还以为他是在哄我呢。

And I thought he was just sweet talking to me.

我心想，真的吗？

I was like, really?

他却说，没错。

And he's like, absolutely.

所以你得知道，我本科读的是社会工作，硕士也是社会工作，当时正在攻读社会工作的博士学位。

So you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, I was getting my PhD in social work.

我整个学术生涯都泡在一群相信‘生活就是乱糟糟的，那就爱它吧’的人里，可我呢，是那种‘生活乱糟糟？那就收拾干净、整理好、摆进便当盒里’的人。

So my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the life's messy, love it, you know, and I'm more the life's messy, clean it up, organize it, and put it into a bento box.

所以我一直以为，自己找到了一条路，一条契合社会工作核心理念的路——那就是‘直面工作的不适感’。

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me know, really one of the big sayings in social work is lean into the discomfort of the work.

可我呢，是想把‘不适感’一拳打飞，挪到一边，然后拿个全A。

And I'm like, you know, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's.

这一直是我的信条。

That was my mantra.

所以我对这件事特别兴奋。

So I was very excited about this.

于是我心想，你知道吗？

And so I thought, you know what?

这份工作最适合我，因为我对一些复杂的问题感兴趣，但我想让它们变得清晰有序。

This is the career for me because I am interested in some messy topics, but I want to be able to make them not messy.

我想真正理解它们。

I want to understand them.

我想深入这些重要的议题，把背后的逻辑拆解清楚，让所有人都能看明白。

I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.

我一开始从‘连接’入手，因为当你做了十年社会工作后，你会明白，人与人之间的连接才是我们存在的根本。

So where I started was with connection, Because by the time you're a social worker for ten years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

它赋予了我们生命的意义和目的。

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

这一切的核心就在这里。

This is what it's all about.

不管你是在做社会正义、心理健康，还是应对虐待与忽视，我们都清楚一点：连接感——那种被联结的感觉——从神经生物学上讲，就是我们人类的天性，也是我们存在的原因。

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is neurobiologically, that's how we're wired, it's why we're here.

所以我心想，好吧，我就从‘连接’开始。

So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.

你有没有遇到过这种情况？上司给你做绩效评估，说了你37个做得特别棒的地方，只提了一点需要改进的地方。

Well, know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome and one thing that you can't an opportunity for growth.

可你脑子里偏偏就只记得那一点不足。

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth.

对吧？

Right?

没想到，我的研究也是这样。

Well, apparently, this is the way my work went as well.

当你问别人关于爱的事，他们只会跟你讲心碎的经历。

Because when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.

当你问归属感，他们讲的都是被排斥时最痛苦的时刻。

When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

当你问连接感，他们告诉我的全是被切断联系的故事。

And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.

所以，就在研究开始大约六周后，我突然撞上了一个说不清道不明的东西，它彻底摧毁了人与人之间的连接，我完全没料到会这样，也从没见过类似的情况。

So very quickly, really about six weeks into this research, I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

于是我退出了研究，心想：我得弄清楚这到底是什么。

And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is.

结果发现，那就是羞耻感。

And it turned out to be shame.

羞耻感其实很好理解，就是害怕被孤立。

And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection.

有没有什么东西，如果别人知道了、看到了，就会觉得我不配拥有连接？

Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?

关于这一点，我能说的都是普遍存在的现象。

The things I can tell you about it, universal.

我们每个人都有。

We all have it.

那些从不感到羞耻的人，根本缺乏共情和建立连接的能力。

The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

没人愿意谈这个，可你越不谈，它就越强烈。

No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

这种羞耻感的背后，是那种‘我不够好’的念头——我们都懂这种感觉，不够完美、不够瘦、不够有钱、不够漂亮、不够聪明、不够被提拔。而支撑这一切的，是令人痛苦的脆弱感。

What underpinned this shame, this I'm not good enough, which we all know that feeling, I'm not blank enough, I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough, the thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.

要想建立真正的连接，我们就得允许自己被看见，完完全全地被看见。

This idea of in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

你知道我对脆弱感是什么态度。

And you know how I feel about vulnerability.

我讨厌脆弱感。

I hate vulnerability.

于是我心想，这正是我用尺子把它压回去的好机会。

And so I thought this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

我要深入进去。

I'm going in.

我要搞清楚这一切。

I'm going to figure this stuff out.

我要花上一年时间。

I'm going to spend a year.

我要彻底拆解羞耻感。

I'm going to totally deconstruct shame.

我要弄明白脆弱是怎么运作的，然后把它给制服。

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it.

我当时准备好了，特别兴奋。

So I was ready, and I was really excited.

你知道的，结果并不会好。

As you know, it's not going to turn out well.

你心里有数。

You know this.

关于羞耻，我能说的有很多，但那就得占用别人的时间了。

So I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

但我可以告诉你，这一切归根结底是什么——这可能是我这十年研究中最重要的发现之一。

But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to, and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.

原本一年的研究，最后变成了六年，收集了上千个故事，进行了数百场深度访谈和焦点小组讨论。

My one year has turned into six years, thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

有一段时间，人们不断给我寄来日记页和他们的故事，成千上万份资料，整整六年。

At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories, thousands of pieces of data, and six years.

我渐渐摸清了头绪。

And I kind of got a handle on it.

我开始明白，羞耻感究竟是什么，它是怎么运作的。

I kind of understood this is what shame is, this is how it works.

我写了一本书，发表了理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲。

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay.

我把受访的人粗略分成两类：一类人真正拥有价值感——这就是核心，一种价值感。

And what it was is that if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness, that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness.

他们强烈感受到爱与归属，另一类人则一直在挣扎，总在怀疑自己是否足够好。

They have a strong sense of love and belonging, and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

在这两类人之间，唯一的区别就在于：那些拥有强烈爱与归属感的人，都相信自己值得被爱、值得拥有归属。

There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, and the people who really struggle for it, and that was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging.

就这么简单。

That's it.

他们相信自己值得。

They believe they're worthy.

对我来说，阻碍我们建立联系的最关键因素，就是我们害怕自己不配得到连接，这一点让我在个人和专业层面都迫切想更深入地理解。

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that personally and professionally I felt like I needed to understand better.

于是我翻出了所有那些展现出价值感的访谈，那些真正活出这种状态的人，专门挑出来仔细看。

So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

这些人的共同点是什么？

What do these people have in common?

我有点收集文具的癖好，不过那是另一个话题了。

And I have a slight office supply addiction, but it's another talk.

于是我拿了个马尼拉文件夹，一支记号笔，想着该给这项研究起个什么名字。

So I had a Manila folder and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going call this research?

我脑子里最先冒出来的词是‘全然投入’。

And the first words that came to my mind were wholehearted.

这些人都算是全然投入的人，他们从内心深处感受到自己的价值。

These are kind of wholehearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness.

于是我就在文件夹顶部写下了这几个字，然后开始分析数据。

So I wrote at the top of the Manila folder, and I started looking at the data.

事实上，我先花了四天时间，进行了非常密集的数据分析，重新翻看这些访谈，提取故事和具体事件，寻找其中的主题和模式。

In fact, I did it first in a four day, very intensive data analysis where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents, what's the theme, what's the pattern?

我丈夫带着孩子离开家了，因为每次我一进入这种状态，就像杰克逊·波洛克一样疯狂，满屋子写写画画，完全沉浸在研究模式里。

My husband left town with the kids, because I always go into this kind of Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just like writing and going and kind of just in my researcher mode.

这就是我找到的结果。

And so here's what I found.

他们共同拥有的，是一种勇气。

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

我想先跟你们区分一下勇气和勇敢。

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

‘勇气’这个词最早进入英语时，源自拉丁语‘cur’，意思是‘心’，原本的定义是：用全然的心，讲述真实的自己。

Courage, the original definition of courage when it first came into the English language, it's from the Latin word cur, meaning heart, and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

所以这些人身上，简单来说，都具备一种敢于不完美的勇气。

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

他们懂得先善待自己，再善待他人，因为事实是，如果我们不能对自己温柔一点，就很难对别人产生同理心。

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

最后一点是他们拥有真正的连接，而这正是源于真诚，也是最难做到的部分。

And the last was they had connection, and this was the hard part, as a result of authenticity.

他们愿意放下自己以为应该成为的样子，去做真实的自己——没有这一点，就不可能建立真正的连接。

They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which is you have to absolutely do that for connection.

他们还有另一个共同点，就是这一点。

The other thing that they had in common was this.

他们完全接纳了脆弱。

They fully embraced vulnerability.

他们相信，正是那些让他们显得脆弱的地方，才让他们变得美好。

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

他们没有说脆弱是舒服的，也没像我之前在羞耻访谈中听到的那样，把它说成是痛苦不堪的。

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating, as I had heard earlier in the shame interviewing.

他们只是说，脆弱是必不可少的。

They just talked about it being necessary.

他们谈到愿意先说出‘我爱你’。

They talked about the willingness to say I love you first.

愿意去做一些没有把握结果的事。

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.

愿意在乳腺检查后等待医生来电时，静静呼吸，熬过这段焦虑。

The willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram.

他们愿意投入一段可能成功、也可能失败的关系。

They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

他们觉得这是根本性的。

They thought this was fundamental.

我本人却觉得这是种背叛。

I personally thought it was betrayal.

我简直不敢相信，我竟然投身于一项研究，而研究的定义就是控制和预测，研究现象的唯一目的就是控制和预测。

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job, you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomenon for the reason, for the explicit reason to control and predict.

可现在，我原本用来控制和预测的使命，却得出了这样一个结论：真正的生活方式，是拥抱脆弱，停止控制和预测。

And now my very you know, my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting.

这让我差点崩溃，实际情况比这还糟。

This led to a little breakdown, which actually looked more like this.

真的发生了。

And it did.

我称之为崩溃，但我的治疗师说这是精神上的觉醒。

It led to a I call it a breakdown, my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.

‘精神觉醒’听着是挺好的，但我敢说，那确实是一场崩溃。

Spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown.

我只好把数据收起来，去找了心理治疗师。

And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

我跟你说件事。

Let me tell you something.

你有没有过这种时候？打电话给朋友说：我觉得我得找个人聊聊，你有推荐的吗？

You know who you are, when you call your friends and say, think I need to see somebody who do you have any recommendations?

我大概有五个朋友一听就回：天啊，我可不敢当你治疗师。

Because about five of my friends are like, woo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist.

我当时就想，这到底是什么意思？

And I was like, what does that mean?

他们说，我只是想提醒你，别拿你的标准去衡量别人。

And they're like, I'm just saying, you know, like, don't bring your measuring stick.

明白了。

Okay.

于是我找了一位心理咨询师。

So I found a therapist.

第一次见她，戴安娜的时候，我带去了那份关于‘全然生活’的人是怎么活的清单。

My first meeting with her, Diana, I brought in my list of the way the wholehearted live.

我刚坐下，她就问我：你最近怎么样？

And I sat down and she said, you know, how are you?

我说：我挺好的，没什么大问题。

And I said, I'm great, you know, I'm okay.

她接着问：那你到底怎么了？

And she said, what's going on?

我就说了，这位治疗师可是专门给治疗师做咨询的，因为我们自己也需要找人聊，他们的直觉特别准。

And I said, and this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their BS meters are good.

于是我跟她说：实话讲，我现在挺挣扎的。

And so I said, here's the thing, I'm struggling.

她问：你具体在挣扎什么？

And she said, what's the struggle?

我说：我有个问题，就是很难敞开心扉。我知道脆弱跟羞耻、恐惧，还有对自我价值的追求都息息相关，但我也发现，脆弱也是喜悦、创造力、归属感和爱的源头。我觉得我确实有问题，真的需要一些帮助。

And I said, well, I have a vulnerability issue, and, you know, and I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love, and I think I have a problem, and I just I need some help.

我还补充说：不过别扯家庭问题，也别提童年往事，我就只想找点实用的办法。

And I said, But here's the thing, no family stuff, no childhood shit, I just I just need some strategies.

谢谢。

Thank you.

于是她就做了个这样的动作。

So she goes like this.

然后我问：是不是很严重？

And then I said, it's bad, right?

她就说，这既不是好事也不是坏事。

And she said, It's neither good nor bad.

它就是它本来的样子。

It just is what it is.

我说，天哪，这下可有得受了。

And I said, Oh my God, this is going to suck.

结果呢，确实很难受，但也没那么糟。

And it did and it didn't.

大概花了一年时间。

And it took about a year.

你知道吗，有些人一意识到脆弱和温柔很重要，就会彻底放下，主动迎上去？

And you know how there are people that like when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they kind of surrender and walk into it?

第一，我不是这样的人。

A, that's not me.

第二，我也不跟那种人来往。

And B, I even don't hang out with people like that.

对我来说，这是一场持续了一年的街头混战。

For me, it was a year long street fight.

简直就是一场硬碰硬的较量。

It was a slugfest.

脆弱感一逼近，我就拼命抵抗。

Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

我输掉了这场战斗，但可能赢回了自己的人生。

I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.

于是我重新投入研究，接下来几年拼命想弄明白：那些真正活出自我的人，他们到底在做哪些选择？我们到底该怎么面对脆弱？

And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the wholehearted, the choices they were making, and what are we doing with vulnerability?

为什么我们对它这么抗拒？

Why do we struggle with it so much?

只有我一个人在为脆弱挣扎吗？

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

不是的。

No.

所以，这就是我学到的。

So, this is what I learned.

我们总是回避脆弱。

We numb vulnerability.

当我们等着那通电话的时候，挺有意思的。

When we're waiting for the call, it was funny.

我在推特和脸书上发了一条消息，问大家：你怎么定义脆弱？

I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, how would you define vulnerability?

什么事会让你觉得脆弱？

What makes you feel vulnerable?

一个半小时内，我就收到了一百五十多条回复。

And within an hour and a half, I had a 150 responses.

因为我想知道，外面到底是什么情况？

Because I wanted to know, you know, what's out there?

我生病了，刚结婚不久，不得不向我丈夫求助。

Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick and we're newly married.

主动和丈夫发生亲密关系，主动和妻子发生亲密关系。

Initiating sex with my husband, initiating sex with my wife.

被拒绝、约人出去、等医生回电、被裁员、裁员别人。

Being turned down, asking someone out, waiting for the doctor to call back, getting laid off, laying off people.

这就是我们所处的世界。

This is the world we live in.

我们生活在一个充满脆弱的世界里。

We live in a vulnerable world.

而我们应对它的方式之一，就是压抑这种脆弱感。

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

我觉得这里有明显的证据，虽然这不是唯一的原因，但我认为这是个关键因素。

And I think there's evidence, and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think that it's a huge cause.

我们这一代成年人，在债务、肥胖、成瘾和药物依赖方面，都是历史上最严重的。

We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.

美国。

S.

历史。

History.

问题是，我从研究中了解到，你无法有选择地麻木情绪。

The problem is and I learned this from the research that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

你不能说，这些是负面的情绪——脆弱、悲伤、羞耻、恐惧、失望——我就是不想感受这些。

You can't say, here's the bad stuff, here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment.

我不想体会这些。

I don't want to feel these.

我来点啤酒，再吃个香蕉核桃松饼。

I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

我不想体会这些。

I don't want to feel these.

我知道这笑声里有共鸣。

And I know that's knowing laughter.

我靠窥探你的生活为生。

I hack into your lives for a living.

我知道这听起来简直让人崩溃。

I know that's oh, God.

你不可能只压抑那些痛苦的感受，而不影响其他情绪。

You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions.

你没法挑着去压抑情绪。

You cannot selectively numb.

所以当我们压抑这些负面情绪时，连喜悦也被一并压下去了。

So when we numb those, we numb joy.

我们失去了感恩的能力。

We numb gratitude.

我们感受不到快乐了。

We numb happiness.

然后我们变得痛苦，拼命寻找意义和目标，可一感到脆弱，就又去喝几瓶啤酒、吃个香蕉核桃派。

And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

这就成了一个危险的循环。

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

我觉得我们得想一想，为什么和怎么去麻木自己。

One of the things that I think that we need to think about is why and how we numb.

这可不只是成瘾的问题。

And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

我们还总想把所有不确定的事，硬掰成确定的。

The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain, certain.

宗教已经从对信仰和神秘的敬畏，变成了非黑即白的绝对正确。

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

我没错，你错了，别说了。

I'm right, you're wrong, shut up.

就这回事。

That's it.

非得确定不可。

Just certain.

我们越害怕，就越觉得脆弱，而越脆弱，就越害怕。

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are.

这就是如今政治的面貌。

This is what politics looks like today.

已经没有对话了。

There's no discourse anymore.

也没有交流了。

There's no conversation.

只剩下指责。

There's just blame.

你知道研究里是怎么描述指责的吗？

You know how blame is described in the research?

这是一种释放痛苦和不适的方式。

A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

我们追求完美。

We perfect.

如果有人希望自己生活变成这样，那一定是我。

If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me.

但这根本行不通，因为我们把臀部的脂肪抽出来，再填到脸上——真希望一百年后，人们回头看时会说，天哪。

But it doesn't work, because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks, which just I hope in a hundred years people will look back and go, wow.

而我们最危险的，是把这种完美主义强加在孩子身上。

And we perfect most dangerously our children.

让我告诉你，我们是怎么看待孩子的。

Let me tell you what we think about children.

他们生来就注定要面对挣扎。

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

当你抱着那些可爱的小宝宝时，我们的责任不是说：看啊，她多完美。

When you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, Look at her, she's perfect.

我的责任却是要确保她一直完美，五年级进校队，七年级上耶鲁。

My job is just to keep her perfect, make sure she makes a team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade.

这根本不是我们的责任。

That's not our job.

我们的责任是看着他们，然后说：你知道吗？

Our job is to look and say, You know what?

你并不完美，生来就要面对挣扎，但你值得被爱，也配得上归属。

You're imperfect and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.

这才是我们的责任。

That's our job.

给我看看一群这样被养大的孩子，我们今天看到的那些问题，就能解决了。

Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.

我们总假装自己做的事对别人没影响。

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

生活中是这样，公司里也是，不管是救市、漏油还是产品召回。

We do that in our personal lives, we do that corporate, whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall.

我们总装作自己的行为不会对他人造成巨大影响。

We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

我想对那些公司说：各位，这事儿我们不是第一次见了。

I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.

你们只需要真诚一点，老老实实说一句：对不起。

We just need you to be authentic and real and say, we're sorry.

我们会解决的。

We'll fix it.

但还有另一种方式，我想用这句话来结束今天的分享。

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

我发现，真正重要的是让自己被看见——深深被看见，带着脆弱地被看见。

This is what I have found, to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.

即使没有保证，也要全心去爱，这真的很难，作为父母，我可以说，这简直让人痛彻心扉。

To love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee, And that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult.

在那些充满恐惧的时刻，当我们怀疑：我真能爱得这么深吗？要学会心怀感恩，感受喜悦。

To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of kind of terror when we're wondering, can I love you this much?

我真能如此热忱地相信这件事吗？

Can I believe in this as passionately?

我真能如此坚定地捍卫它吗？

Can I be this fierce about this?

与其幻想最坏的结果，不如停下来，只是简单地说：我真的很感恩。

Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen to say, I'm just so grateful.

因为感受到这种脆弱，说明我还活着。

Because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.

最后一点，我觉得可能是最重要的，就是相信我们本身就已经足够了。

And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough.

因为我相信，当我们从‘我足够好’这个信念出发时，我们就不再大喊大叫，而是开始倾听。

Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, I'm enough, then we stop screaming and start listening.

我们会对身边的人更温柔，也会对自己更温柔。

We're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

我就说这些了。

That's all I have.

谢谢。

Thank you.