如何训练你的社交技能（科学依据）| 社交智慧简报

如果你正在听这段话，那你已经训练了一切。

If you're listening to this, you train everything.

你训练你的身体，举重、跑步、综合格斗。

You train your body, lifting, running, MMA.

你训练你的事业，考取证书、完成项目、应对绩效评估。

You train your career, certs, projects, performance reviews.

你甚至训练你的心态，阅读书籍、遵循流程、寻找导师、收听播客。

You even train your mindset, books, protocols, coaches, podcasts.

但当你真正进入那个决定一切的时刻时，却毫无准备。

But then you walk in the moment that actually decides everything.

那个决定你信誉价值的会议，那个重塑你人际关系的冲突，那个决定你能否获得机会的对话，你却只是凭感觉应付。

The meeting where your credibility gets priced, the conflict where your relationship gets rewired, the conversation that determines whether you get access, and you just wing it.

事后，你在脑海中反复回放，不是因为你不自信，而是因为你深知那个糟糕瞬间的代价。

And after it, you replay it in your head, not because you're insecure, but because you know the cost of that one bad moment.

这就是差距。

That's the gap.

在最重要的事情上，完全没有反馈机制。

Zero feedback loop on the thing that matters most.

我们经常听到这种模式：高绩效者却缺乏对他人如何看待自己的认知。

We hear this pattern constantly, high performers with no mirror on how they're landing with other people.

你不会走进健身房，挥舞一小时手臂就指望变强壮，但人们在社交中正是这样做的。

You wouldn't walk into a gym, wave your arms around for an hour and expect to get stronger, but that's what people do socially.

他们参加社交活动，进行尴尬的对话，只希望某件事能顺利发生。

They go to networking events, they have awkward conversations, They hope something clicks.

没有结构，没有反馈，也没有进步。

No structure, no feedback, no progression.

事实上，加州大学洛杉矶分校开设了一个名为PEERS的社交技能实验室，这是目前研究最深入的社交技能项目之一。

In fact, UCLA runs a social skills lab called PEERS, one of the most researched social skills programs in existence.

不是心态训练，也不是哲学思辨，而是结构化的培训：课程、示范、角色扮演、行为演练，以及迫使人们在现实世界中实践的作业。

Not mindset work, not philosophy, but structured training, lessons, demonstrations, role play, behavioral rehearsal, and homework that forces real world practice.

他们对18至24岁的年轻人进行了一项随机对照试验。

And they ran a randomized controlled trial with young adults aged 18 to 24.

治疗组接受了同伴训练、对话技巧、友谊技巧、冲突处理，甚至约会礼仪的培训，而对照组只是等待。

Treatment groups got peers training, conversational skills, friendship skills, conflict handling, and even dating etiquette, and the control group just waited.

结果相当显著。

Well, the results were pretty striking.

治疗组在社交技能、社交参与频率（即他们实际相互互动的可能性）、社交技能知识方面都取得了可衡量的进步，而且这些进步在项目结束后数周内仍然保持。

The treatment group showed measurable gains in social skills, social engagement frequency, meaning the likelihood of them actually interacting with each other, social skills knowledge, and the gains held for weeks after the program.

这种方法强制进行了真实的练习和纠正。

The method forced real reps and real correction.

你不仅仅是学习了眼神交流，而是与他人实际练习，对方会观察并告诉你哪里做错了。

You didn't just learn about eye contact, practiced it with somebody who watched and told you what you were doing wrong.

结构创造了结果。

Structure created the result.

不是动机，是结构。

Not motivation, structure.

这是因为你的大脑在这些社交时刻会运行一个预测引擎。

And that's because your brain runs a prediction engine during these social moments.

它是在模拟他人的真实意图和需求，扫描他们的情绪线索，比如语调、紧张感、风险信号；当你演练某个场景并获得即时反馈时，你的大脑就会得到一次清晰的更新。

It's modeling what someone means and wants, scanning for their emotional cues like tone, tension, risk signals, and when you rehearse a scenario and get immediate feedback, your brain now gets a clean update.

我做了x。

I did x.

这导致了y，于是你调整了自己的模型。

It caused y, and now you adjust your model.

这种反馈将混乱的经验转化为可重复的清晰学习循环。

And that feedback turns messy experience into a clean learning loop that's repeatable.

没错。

That's right.

如果没有这个循环，你只是在不断积累经验，但大部分时候只是固化了错误的习惯。

Without the loop, you're just piling up experience and mostly hardening the wrong habit.

你以为自己在变好，因为你做得更多了。

You think you're getting better because you're doing more.

你只是对错误的做法越来越自信。

You're just getting more confident in the wrong move.

没有反馈的经验只是让错误成为习惯。

Experience without feedback is practice making permanent.

AJ，作为一名吉他手，练习有两条规则。

AJ, as a guitar player, there's two rules of practice.

第一条是单纯地练习，但另一条是完美练习，因为如果你只是演奏技巧而不改进你的指法、拨弦，你就会养成坏习惯，变成一个 sloppy 的乐手。

One is just practice, but the other is practice perfect, because if you're just playing skills without working on your technique, your fingering, the picking, you're building bad habits that make a sloppy player.

招聘到合适的人才并具备正确的技能，这才是推动业务前进的关键。

Hiring the right person with the right skills, that's what moves a business forward.

如果你想要找到符合你需求的候选人，你需要使用 Indeed 的赞助职位。

If you want candidates who match what you're looking for, you need Indeed Sponsored Jobs.

招聘？

Hiring?

Indeed 就是一切你需要的。

Indeed is all you need.

别再为你的职位在其他网站上连曝光都得不到而苦恼了。

Stop struggling to get your job post even seen on other sites.

通过Indeed的赞助职位，让你的招聘广告获得最佳的曝光机会。

Give your job the best chance to be seen with Indeed's Sponsored Jobs.

它们能帮助你脱颖而出，招聘到能够推动

They help you stand out and hire quality candidates who can drive

你所需成果的优质候选人。

the results you need.

赞助职位能提升你的招聘广告曝光度，让你更快触达理想人选。

SponsoredJobs boost your post for quality candidates so you reach the exact people you want faster.

这会产生巨大的差异。

And that makes a big difference.

根据Indeed的数据，直接在Indeed上发布的赞助职位，其成功招聘的概率比非赞助职位高出90%。

According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 90% more likely to report a hire than non sponsored jobs.

你能接触到更广泛的优质候选人群体。

You reach a bigger pool of quality candidates.

加入那160万家通过Indeed赞助招聘职位的公司吧。

So join the 1,600,000 companies that sponsor their jobs with Indeed.

如果我需要招聘一位新编辑，我会去Indeed，并且明确要求，而不是只写‘能剪辑音频’。

If I needed to hire a new editor, I'd go to Indeed and be specific, not just can edit audio.

我会说，我需要一位至少有三年对话类播客编辑经验、熟悉我们的风格、并且会使用我们软件的人。

I'd say I need somebody who's edited conversation podcasts for at least three years, gets our style, and knows our software.

一位曾经

Someone who's

做过这项工作的人。

done this before.

通过Indeed的赞助职位，你能找到符合这种描述的人。

And with Indeed sponsored jobs, you get people that fit that description.

你不会

You're not

在那些只剪辑过一个YouTube视频的人的简历中苦苦搜寻。

digging through resumes from people who have edited one YouTube video.

你会找到真正懂行的播客编辑。

You're getting actual podcast editors who know what they're doing.

此外，使用Indeed的付费职位，你只需为实际效果付费。

Plus, with Indeed sponsored jobs, you only pay for results.

没有月度订阅，没有长期合同，只需在你需要快速找到优质人才时进行推广即可。

No monthly subscriptions, no long term contracts, just a boost whenever you need to find quality talent fast.

现在正有人在Indeed上找到优质雇员。

People are finding quality hires on Indeed right now.

就在我和你交谈的这一分钟里，根据Indeed全球的数据，像你们这样的公司已经成功招聘了27人。

In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed according to Indeed data worldwide.

把更多时间花在面试完全符合你要求的候选人身上。

Spend more time interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

减少压力，节省时间，立即通过Indeed付费职位获得更佳成果。

Less stress, less time, more results now with Indeed sponsored jobs.

本节目的听众将

And listeners of this show will

获得75美元的付费职位抵扣额度，帮助你的职位在indeed.com/charm上获得应得的优质曝光。

get a $75 sponsored job credit to help you get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/charm.

现在就前往 indeed.com/charm，通过告知我们你是从这个播客了解到 Indeed 来支持我们的节目。

Just go to indeed.com/charm right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed from this podcast.

indeed.com/charm。

Indeed.com/charm.

适用条款和条件。

Terms and conditions apply.

招聘，就用 Indeed，做对的事。

Hiring, do it the right way with Indeed.

不幸的是，我们中的许多人只训练关键时刻，却没想过之后会发生什么。

And unfortunately, many of us are only training for the key moment, not thinking about what happens after.

上个周末，我和一位帮助科技行业人士谈判薪资、薪酬和股权的人一起去徒步。

So I was on a hike this past weekend with a guy who helps people in tech negotiate their salary, comp, and equity.

我问他：那么谈判之后的训练是什么？

And I was asking him, well, what's the training after the negotiation?

他们拿到了想要的薪酬方案。

So they get the pay package they want.

他们获得了丰厚的薪酬。

They get their great compensation.

他说：‘我们根本没有这方面的培训。’

He's like, well, we don't have any.

我们现在正打算着手解决这个问题，因为我们意识到，我们的客户在获得晋升和薪酬方案后，压力反而更大了。

We're actually looking to work on that now because we're recognizing that our clients, they get the promotion, they get the package, and now the pressure's ramped up even more.

现在他们不仅要在技术上表现出色，还要在社交层面表现得同样出色。

And now they have to socially perform just as much as technically perform.

人们以为社交能力的提升需要大量强制性的外向社交时间。

And people assume social improvement requires hours of forced extraversion.

错了。

Wrong.

在力量训练中，关键不在于在健身房里花的时间。

In strength training, the magic is not time spent in the gym.

而在于有针对性的重复训练，配合正确的强度和渐进计划。

It's targeted reps with the right intensity and the right progression.

社交训练的工作方式也完全一样。

And social training works exactly the same way.

如果练习真实、反馈精准，那么训练量可以很小。

The dose is small if the rep is realistic and the feedback is precise.

这太重要了，每个人都需要记住并重视这一点。

That's so important, and everyone needs to remember that and note that.

一次高质量的练习胜过一周的即兴发挥。

One high quality rep beats a week of improvising.

十五分钟有压力的实战练习，加上伙伴给予的真实反馈，其效果远超一个月漫无目的地徘徊，指望对话能顺利进行。

Fifteen minutes of pressure reps with a partner giving you real feedback will move your needle more than a month of wandering around hoping conversations go well.

我知道，约翰尼，我们听过多少次新加入X Factor的成员说他们只是想更善于社交了？

I know, Johnny, how many times we heard that from new X Factor members that they were just trying to be more social?

他们每周一开始就说：我想多和人交谈。

They'd start their week saying, I wanna talk to more people.

我只是想让自己多处于社交场合中，但到周末时却对结果感到沮丧。

I'm just gonna put myself in more social situations and be frustrated with the results by the end of the week.

这是对行为的强化。

And that's a reinforcement of behaviors.

于是这些互动变得糟糕，人们开始质疑意义何在，最终又退回到孤僻的状态，这才促使他们来到X Factor寻求所需的精准练习。

So then those interactions go bad, and it goes to what's the point, and then you go back to being a hermit, which leads them to the x factor to get the perfect practice they need.

或者更糟的是，你已经养成了一个坏习惯，我们必须在X Factor中帮您纠正它。

Or even worse, you've now created a bad habit that we have to unwire in the x factor.

你读错了信号。

You're reading the wrong cues.

你一开始就走错了方向。

You're starting off on the wrong foot.

这就像试图通过挖洞来爬山。

It's like trying to climb a mountain by digging a hole.

社交联系实际上对健康和长寿有着更上游的影响。

And social connection is actually upstream of health and longevity.

所以对于正在听的那些生物黑客来说，Halt Lundstedt的一项研究对148项研究进行了元分析，涉及超过30万名参与者，结果发现，更强的社交关系与55%的生存率提升相关。

So for those of you biohackers listening, a Halt Lundstedt study ran a meta analysis of a 148 studies with over 300,000 participants, they found that stronger social relationships actually linked to fifty five percent higher survival rates.

当你真正训练社交技能时，你是在训练影响你的压力水平、人际关系甚至职业机会的系统。

When you actually train social skills, you're training the system that impacts your stress load, your relationships, and even your career opportunities.

社交不是软技能，而是一种生存技能。

Social is not a soft skill, it's a survival skill.

大多数人都是在从未训练过的基础上建立自己的事业、健康和人际关系。

Most people are building their careers, their health, their relationships on a foundation they've never trained.

事实上，那位是X因子加速器的成员，戴夫。

In fact, that was an X Factor Accelerator member, Dave.

软件工程师，聪明且有才华。

Software engineer, smart, talented.

在加入我们之前，他缺乏自信。

Before he came to us he lacked confidence.

他总是取悦他人。

He people pleased.

因为他不相信自己能竞争，所以九年都拿低薪。

Stayed underpaid for nine years because he didn't believe he could compete.

用他自己的话说，我觉得没人会愿意雇我。

And in his words, I felt like no one would ever want to hire me.

我很幸运能拥有这份工作。

I'm lucky to have this position.

很多人都是这样想的。

A lot

很多人都是这样想的。

of people think that way.

但在X因子加速器里，我们会让他们接受我们的社交训练场。

But inside the X Factor Accelerator we put them through our social dojo.

每周的压力提升、搭档技能训练和实时反馈。

Weekly pressure ups, partner skills, and real time feedback.

学习如何捕捉暗示、清晰表达，并在团队间建立关系。

Learning to listen for hints, communicate clearly, and build relationships across teams.

没错。

Exactly.

他的整个身份认知从‘我幸运地在这里’转变为‘他们幸运地拥有我’。

And his entire identity shifted from I'm lucky to be here to they're lucky to have me.

他经历了两轮裁员，但都挺了过来。

He went through two layoff rounds and survived both of them.

用他的话说，我知道我在这里，是因为人们真的喜欢和我共事。

And in his words, I know I'm here because people actually like working with me.

然后他说出了我最喜欢的一句话。

Then he dropped my favorite.

保住这份工作，70%靠社交能力，30%靠技术能力。

It's 70% social skills, 30% technical to keep the role.

技术让你进入房间，但社交能力让你留在房间。

Technical gets you in the room, but social keeps you in the room.

这其实是我们长期以来一直在讨论的问题。

Well, is something that we've talked about for a long time now.

随着人工智能的发展，每个人的技術能力现在都差不多了。

With the advancement of AI, everyone's technical skills are on par now.

社交技能将占到90%。

It's going to be 90% your social skills.

所以戴夫并没有变成外向的人，他没有改变自己的性格，只是训练了这项技能，获得了反馈并进行了调整，开始积累成功经验。

So Dave didn't become an extrovert, he didn't change his personality, he just trained the skill, got feedback adjusted, and started stacking wins.

dojo 中的每周练习为他提供了镜子般的反馈，没有猜测，没有侥幸，清晰地告诉他哪些有效、哪些无效。

The weekly reps in the dojo gave him the mirror, no guessing, no hoping, clear feedback on what was working and what wasn't.

这是一种固化。

It was installation.

那么问题来了：你从哪里获得你的练习机会？

So here's the question: where do you get your reps?

光是阅读关于沟通的书籍是没用的。

Reading about communication doesn't work.

看关于肢体语言的YouTube视频也是没用的。

YouTube videos about body language doesn't work.

指望下一次社交活动会不一样也是没用的。

Hoping the next networking event will be different doesn't work.

你需要结构，需要反馈，需要逐步升级的情境来迫使你提升。

You need structure, you need feedback, you need progressive scenarios that force you to level up.

你不需要花数小时进行角色扮演。

You don't need hours of role play.

大脑在意的是持续性和具体性，每周都以专注的方式做出正确的微小动作。

What the brain cares about is consistency and specificity, doing the right micro move in a focused way week after week.

关键是，你在高风险时训练你需要的技能。

And the thing is, you train what you need when the stakes are high.

你在重要的会议、重要的面试或重要的对话中不会即兴发挥。

You don't freestyle in the big meeting, the big interview, or the big conversation.

你最喜欢哪句话，约翰尼？

What's your favorite line, Johnny?

没错。

That's right.

你会默认按照你训练的水平来表现。

You default to the level of your training.

在那些高压时刻，你只能依靠这些训练成果。

And in those high pressure moments, that's all you have to fall back on.

这不关乎你在这档播客里听到的内容，也不关乎你上周读过的书，而是关乎你在真实情境中实际做过什么，你的大脑因此被训练得能够在下一个情境中自动表现出来。

It's not about what you heard on this podcast, it's not about what you read in a book last week, it's about what you actually did in a real scenario that you're brain wired to be able to perform in the next scenario.

而且，对于我们的学员来说，在 dojo 练习并获得反馈后，每周都会有一个练习任务，我特别喜欢每周听到他们的故事，因为到了周末，每个人都能自动完成这个动作了。

Well, and also, given our guys, after they've practiced in the dojo, got their feedback, there is always an exercise to practice for the week, and I love every week when I hear the stories because by the end of the week, everyone's doing the move automatically.

这已经内化了。

It's now installed.

他们只是自然而然地去做，然后看到结果。

They just do it, and they see the results.

所以，如果你是那种会训练的人——比如举铁、控制饮食、追踪睡眠。

So if you're the kind of person who trains, if you lift, you meal prep, if you track your sleep.

这就是缺失的一块。

This is the missing block.

健康、财富、人际关系，都不取决于你知道什么，而取决于在关键时刻你做了什么。

Health, wealth, relationships don't hinge on what you know, they hinge on what you do when the moment gets tight.

在X因子加速器中，我们每周都会举办社交道场。

Inside the X Factor Accelerator, we run a weekly social dojo.

短时压力训练、搭档练习、实时反馈和渐进式情境模拟。

Short pressure reps, partner drills, live feedback, and progressive scenarios.

每周为你提供机会，锻炼你的社交能力，并与像你一样的高成就者一起训练。

Weekly opportunities for you to grow your social muscle and train with other high achievers just like you.

没错。

Exactly.

在紧张的对话中避免升级冲突，在与陌生人相处的前六十秒内建立默契，给予反馈却不引发对方的防御心理，以及在所有人都客客气气、无人说真话时读懂现场气氛。

Navigating a tense conversation without escalating, building rapport in those first sixty seconds with someone you don't know, giving feedback without creating defensiveness in the other person, and reading the room when everyone's just being polite and no one's being honest.

你进行训练。

You do the rep.

你获得反馈。

You get the mirror.

你做出调整。

You adjust.

你再做一遍。

You do it again.

这并不是那种你旁观别人被指导的团体辅导。

And this is not group coaching where you watch other people get coached.

你每周都真正身处实战之中。

You're actually in the arena every single week.

你配对一个伙伴。

You get a partner.

你进行练习。

You run the drill.

你会得到我们实时的反馈，然后再次进行。

You get real time feedback from us, and you run it again.

这才是默认行为改变的方式。

That's how the default changes.

大多数辅导项目只给你提供框架。

Most coaching programs give you frameworks.

我们给你提供框架，并让你在压力下反复使用，直到它们变成本能。

We give you frameworks and make you use them under pressure until they become automatic.

当关键时刻来临——客户会议、艰难对话、领导时刻——你不会临场发挥，而是会退回到你的训练水平。

When the big moment shows up, the client meeting, the difficult conversation, the leadership moment, you don't rise to the occasion, you fall to your training.

如果你就是这样的人，并且想要加入，请访问 unlockyourxfactor.com。

If that's you, and you want in, go to unlockyourxfactor.com.

申请现已开放，但由于正如你所听到的，这不是一场网络研讨会，所以我们限制报名人数。

Applications are open, but we do cap enrollment because it's not a webinar as you heard.

我们每周都会举办一次实战训练营。

We're running a dojo every single week.

我们需要知道谁在房间里，需要了解你和谁配对，并确保跟踪你的进展。

We need to see who's in the room, we need to know who you're partnered with, and we make sure to track your progress.

这是给那些厌倦了靠运气决定结果的人准备的。

This is for people who are done winging what decides their outcomes.

别再指望对话能顺利进行了。

Stop hoping conversations go well.

训练每一个关键时刻。

Train the moment.

掌控结果。

Own the outcome.