345 | 深入探讨自信力：应对对立利益相关者 + 克服害怕得罪人的心理（听众问答第二期）

如果你想最大化作为领导者的影响力，就必须掌握自信沟通的技巧。在今天的听众问答主题节目中，我将深入探讨关于自信的一些重大而重要的问题。我将涵盖从如何摆脱讨好他人、如何不再害怕冲突，到如何应对会议室里极度对抗的利益相关者等方方面面。我将分享的技巧会帮助你学会占据更多空间，从而被视为真正的领导者。欢迎来到《勇敢发声的艺术》，这是一档帮助职业女性发掘内在无限潜能的播客。

If you want to maximize your impact as a leader, you'll have to master the skill of assertive communication. In today's listener q and a themed episode, I'm deep diving into some big and important questions around assertiveness. I'm going to cover everything from how to grow out of people pleasing and how to stop fearing conflict to how to respond when you're dealing with a super antagonistic stakeholder in the room. The tips I'm going to share will help you learn to take up way more space so you can be seen as a true leader. Welcome to the art of speaking up, a podcast that helps professional women access the limitless potential that lies within them.

我是主持人杰西卡·古兹克，我的使命是帮助你找到内心那股火花，它能以你意想不到的方式改变你的职业生涯。非常高兴你来到这里。现在，让我们进入节目。欢迎收听本期播客。今天，我将继续我的听众问答迷你系列的第二部分。

I'm your host, Jessica Guzik, and my mission is to help you find that spark inside you that has the power to transform your career in ways you may not have thought possible. I'm so excited that you're here. And now, onto the show. Welcome to the podcast. Today, I am diving into part two of my listener q and a mini series.

今天我要回答两个问题，都聚焦于自信。如果你喜欢这种形式，请务必回顾并收听上周的第一部分节目。如果你想在未来听众问答环节提交问题，我会在节目说明中分享问题提交链接。那么，让我们开始第一个问题。这位听众说：我非常喜欢你的播客。

And today, I am answering two questions, both focused on assertiveness. If you love this format, make sure you go back and also listen to last week's episode, which is part one. And if you want to submit a question for me to answer on a future listener q and a episode, I will share the question submission link in the show notes. And with that, let's get into our very first question. This person said, I love your podcast.

过去一年它极大地帮助我找到了支持自我成长的方法。很高兴听到这个消息，也很开心能对你有所帮助。这位听众说：我在非营利机构工作，一直难以应对防御性强、敌对且咄咄逼人的领导层。这种情况确实很棘手，但别担心，我会帮你解决。

It has helped me so much over the last year to tap into ways to support my growth. I'm so happy to hear that, and I'm so glad that it's helped you. This person said, I work in a nonprofit setting, and I've been struggling with interactions with defensive, antagonistic, and aggressive leadership. Okay. This can be really difficult, but don't worry, I'll help you out.

最近有人告诉我，因为我总是试图给出完美或讨好的回应，反而显得不够坦诚，导致我的沟通缺乏信任感。他们说我不懂得'审时度势'。当我的想法或决定被以惩罚性质疑时，我会产生防御心理，觉得需要证明自己的能力——尤其作为有色人种女性。感谢这次互动机会，我期待已久。

I have been told recently that because I try hard to give perfect or pleasing responses, I'm not being transparent, and there is a lack of trust in my communication. I have been told I quote, unquote, don't read the room. When my thoughts or decisions are questioned in a punitive way, I feel defensive, like I need to prove that I'm competent, especially as a woman of color. Thank you for this chance to interact with you. I've been hoping for this.

真希望我能负担得起学院课程，但目前会继续做节目的忠实听众。非常欢迎你！很高兴你提交了问题。另外，请发邮件告诉我你对《勇敢发声学院》的兴趣。我可以尝试帮你从雇主那里获得项目资助——这种情况以前确实发生过。

I wish I could afford the academy, but for now, will remain a loyal listener of the show. You are so welcome. I'm so glad that you submitted a question. And also, please email me about your interest in the Art of Speaking Up Academy. I can try to help you get funding from your employer to do the program, which has happened before and has also happened.

其他在非营利机构工作的人也曾获得雇主资助学费。所以如果需要这方面的帮助，请联系我。我有太多想与你分享的内容。首先我想说明的是，我本人并非有色人种女性，而是一名白人女性。

I've had other people who work at nonprofits get their employer to help with the tuition. So if you want my help with that, please reach out to me. I have so much to share with you. The first thing that I just wanna share is, of course, I'm not a woman of color. I'm a white woman.

因此，我回答这个问题的视角将源于我的生活经验和这一立场。如果我分享的任何内容让你觉得不合适，或者似乎未能完全理解你的某些经历，我非常希望你主动联系我，这样我才能确保针对你的具体经历进行讨论并达成理解。我想将此作为一个公开邀请分享给你。话虽如此，我想先定个基调：你正在应对一个极具挑战性的局面。如果用1到10分来评估这个障碍的难度等级，它无疑是高分。

And so my perspective in answering this question is going to come from my lived experience and that perspective. And so if anything I share doesn't feel right for you or it feels like maybe there's a part of your experience that I'm not fully seeing, I would just love for you to reach out to me so that I can really make sure to speak to your specific experience on this and have that understanding. And so I wanted to just share that as an open invitation to you. So with that said, I want to level set and just share that you are dealing with a very challenging situation. Like, if we were to assess on a scale of one to 10, the difficulty level of this obstacle, it's high.

当你面对充满敌意的激进型领导时，这可能是职业生涯中最难应对的情况之一，但你绝对可以逐渐掌握应对技巧。现在我将带你进入我的思维过程。当领导者表现出敌意和攻击性，不断提出质疑时（虽非绝对但通常如此），背后往往源于某种焦虑或不安。这种不安通常来自于他们担心某些环节会出错，进而导致他们颜面受损。根据我的经验，问题通常根植于此。

When you have antagonistic aggressive leadership, that's like one of the most difficult things that you will have to navigate professionally, but it's absolutely something that you can get better at. So I'm gonna kinda take you into my brain and into my thought process on this. So when leaders are being antagonistic and aggressive and they're asking a lot of questions, not always, but typically what's going on is they're feeling some sort of anxiety or unrest. And usually, that unrest is coming from the fact that they're worried that something will go wrong and that it will make them look bad. On some level, I find that's where it's usually coming from.

牢记这一点很有帮助——如果我们理解相关方的攻击性行为源于他们害怕事情会让自己难堪，就能更精准地锁定沟通目标。若对方担忧自己会背黑锅，或团队行为将连累他们，那么我们的回应就应该消除这种恐惧。在更深层面上，我们需要传递这样的信息：我站在你这边，我希望你成功，我始终考虑着你的关切。

And it can be helpful to keep that in mind because if we believe that our stakeholder is being aggressive and antagonistic because like they're scared that this is gonna end up making them look bad, it can help us really hone in on what our goal is in terms of how to communicate with them. If they're afraid they're gonna look bad or they're gonna get thrown under the bus or something that our team does is gonna somehow screw them over, like, that's the fear, then our response should help them see the opposite. What our response needs to communicate to them at a deeper level is, I am on your side. I want you to win. I have your concerns in mind.

我的存在是为了协助你。唯有让对方感受到这点，他们的攻击性和焦虑才会缓解。关于这点我还有更多见解要分享。接下来我想说的是：当你产生防御心理时，重要的是要接纳这种情绪的正当性。比如当相关方质问'为什么这么做'或'数据为何显示这个结果'时，那种防御本能开始涌现——

I am here to help you. That is what they have to feel from us in order for their aggression and anxiety to deescalate. I have more thoughts and more to share here. So the next thought I wanna share with you is that when you feel defensive, it's so important for you to normalize those feelings. And when that feeling of defensiveness comes up, right, like a stakeholder says, why did you do it that way?

此刻你急需（哪怕只是短暂地）给自己一个喘息空间，告诉自己：没关系，这很正常。在当下处境中产生这种反应是人之常情。

Or why does the data say this thing? And then you feel that defensiveness rise up within you. It's so important to have a moment with yourself, even if it's a brief moment, where you just tell yourself, it's okay. This is okay. This is a normal, natural way for me to be feeling given this circumstance.

我不希望这种情绪影响与相关方的互动。因此我要为这种感受留出空间，给予自己充分的理解与宽容。我不会苛责自己'不该有防御心理'或'为何如此情绪化'——我要在认知层面接纳这种合理性。

And I don't want this feeling to skew how I interact with the stakeholder. So I want to hold space for this feeling and offer myself lots of grace and understanding. And I don't want to judge myself and be like, I shouldn't be feeling defensive. Why am I getting so emotional? Like, I wanna make it okay in my head.

告诉自己：没关系，这很正常。我是有血有肉的人，面对困境产生情绪再自然不过。

And say like, it's okay. This is normal. I'm human. I have feelings. This is a hard situation.

在承认并接纳这些情绪的同时，我希望在与利益相关者互动时能将它们暂时搁置。内心允许自己有情绪体验，与让这种情绪支配我们的行为和行动之间存在微妙差异。当我们学会在保持原有沟通方式和行为不受情绪影响的前提下体验情绪时，就会变得极其强大。因为这意味着无论面对何种高压高风险的场合，即便情绪上极具挑战性，我们仍能高效沟通，展现出强大而有效的领导力。

And while acknowledging the feelings and normalizing the feelings, I want to move them to the side in terms of how I respond to and interact with a stakeholder. There's a subtle difference between allowing ourselves to have an emotional experience inside versus then allowing that emotional experience to dictate our behavior and actions. And when we can learn to allow ourselves to have an emotional experience without it changing our actions or our communication style in ways we don't want it to, we become really, really powerful. Because what happens is we could be in any high pressure, high stakes situation or conversation. And even if it's emotionally very challenging, we can communicate very effectively and show up with really strong, effective leadership.

许多人常误以为目标是'不该有防御心理'或'不该产生这些情绪'，但真正的目标是情绪调节——既能感受情绪，又不丧失选择行为方式的能力。请这样思考：在会议中产生任何情绪都是正常的，而你的目标是锻炼这种领导力肌肉，使其在情绪涌现时仍能强势主导对话。

Now what a lot of people sometimes think is they think the goal is I shouldn't feel defensive. I shouldn't feel any of these feelings. But actually, the goal is emotional regulation. The goal is to be able to feel the feelings, but not lose that ability to choose our behaviors and actions. So I want you to think about it as it is okay to feel anything that you feel in the room, and your goal is to build this leadership muscle, like this incredible leadership muscle where even when that feeling comes up, you can lead really powerfully in the conversation.

我常将其比喻为：让这些情绪坐在你汽车的副驾驶位。它们可以享受空调，从手套箱拿零食吃，随意播放车载音乐——我们承认并尊重这些情绪的存在，但绝不允许它们抢夺方向盘。

So I almost think about it as like you're taking those feelings, and they get to sit in the passenger seat of your car. Right? And they get air conditioning, and they get to eat snacks from the glove compartment, and they get to play whatever song they want on the radio. So it's like we wanna acknowledge those feelings and honor those feelings. But the feelings don't get to grab the steering wheel.

因为若让情绪掌控方向盘，车辆就可能撞上高速公路的隔离带。所以当防御心理出现时，给它存在空间，同时练习不让这种感受决定你如何回应利益相关者。这自然引出一个问题：既然防御心理不在驾驶位，而由我主导对话时，该如何应对？通常面对尖锐问题或攻击性态度时，你有两个目标。

Because if those feelings grab the steering wheel, then the car might crash into the divider in the middle of the highway. So when the defensiveness comes up, allow space for it and practice not letting the feeling of defensiveness make decisions about how you respond to the stakeholder. So that begs the question then. If the defensiveness isn't in the driver's seat, and if I'm in the driver's seat in responding to the stakeholder, how am I supposed to respond? And typically, when someone is asking you hard questions or being a bit aggressive, you have two goals.

首要目标是缓解现场正在形成的紧张气氛，其次是推动对方提出的问题向解决方向迈进。通过暂停对话并引导对方分享更多信息，你能同时实现这两个目标——既降低现场火药味，又促进问题解决。典型场景是当利益相关者表示反对、表现出攻击性，或指责'我不喜欢这个''你们做错了'时。

The first goal is to deescalate any tension that is forming in the room. And the second goal is to try to move whatever problem that person has brought up closer and closer to resolution. And you can accomplish both of those goals, reducing the tension in the room and moving the problem towards resolution by stopping and probing the stakeholder to share more with you. So typically, when a stakeholder disagrees or gets aggressive or is like, I don't like this. You're doing this wrong.

当听到'这行不通'时，我们的本能反应往往是急于终止这种局面，可能会连连附和'对对对'。

This isn't working. Our impulse is usually like to quickly, like, make it stop and make it go away. So we'll say like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

或是出于防御心理反驳道'不，根本不是这样，你根本没理解'对吧？

You're right. Like, we'll change it. Or sometimes if we're feeling defensive, we'll say like, no, that's not what we're doing here. You don't understand it. Right?

这就好比，我们总想以膝跳反射般的速度立即回应。这正是让情绪和防御心理主导行为的典型例子。相反，我们应该为利益相关者创造空间，让他们分享更多背景信息——为什么觉得我们的提议有难度，或为何持反对意见。这时可以说：‘我很想听听您更多的想法’，或‘希望您能详细分享您的思考过程’。目标是引导对方开口，让他们畅谈哪些方面行不通、担忧什么，从而全面呈现所有信息。

So it's like, we wanna respond really quickly and in this really knee jerk way. And that would be an example of allowing the emotions and the defensiveness to take the wheel and drive the car. What we wanna do instead is we want to create space for the stakeholder to share more context on why they find what we're sharing challenging or why they have an issue. So what we wanna say is, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts behind that, or I'd love it if you could share more of your thinking with me. And your goal is to get the stakeholder talking, get them talking about what doesn't work for them, get them talking about why they're concerned, and you want to really surface all of the information.

比如对方说‘这看起来不可行’，就该追问：‘我很想深入了解，是时间安排有困难？资源分配问题？您具体怎么考虑？’本质上是在尽可能全面地获取对方的信息。

So if they say, well, this just doesn't look feasible, then you would wanna ask follow-up questions and say, I'd love to hear more about that. Is it the timeline that's feeling difficult? Is it the resource allocation? What are your thoughts on that? And you're basically trying to extract as much information from them as possible.

在这个过程中，通常会发生的是：现场紧张气氛开始缓解。因为当你邀请对方详述时，他们会感受到你在认真倾听和关心。他们内心害怕被甩锅出丑的那部分情绪会平复，因为你用实际行动表明想理解他们的顾虑。同时，你也在深入了解他们的思维过程，这将帮助你更好地解决问题——接下来要说的重点就是：在通过提问充分理解情况后，要转向共同解决问题的阶段，由你主导将他们提出的障碍引向双方都能接受的解决方案。之前的深入提问会让你更胜任这个角色。

Now as you do this and as you extract this information, typically, what's gonna happen is the tension in the room's gonna start de escalating because when you ask them to share more, they're going to see that you are listening and paying attention and that you actually care. So the part of them that is scared that you're gonna throw them under the bus and make them look bad, that part of them is being calmed down because you are literally showing them that you wanna understand what has come up for them. In parallel, you're learning more about their thought process, which is going to equip you to problem solve better. Which brings me to the next thing that I wanna share with you, which is after you've had the chance to ask them questions and understand more about the situation, then you want to pivot into joint problem solving where you are taking the lead on trying to bring their issue or obstacle that they raise to a point of closure that works for you and works for them. Now if you've been asking them those probing questions, you're gonna be better equipped to do that.

因为理解了问题症结，你就能更准确地评估解决方案。通常这需要极强的自信和创造力，要进入‘任何问题、挑战、死胡同我都能突破’的心流状态。带着这种笃定和自信，大脑会提供更具创意的方案，利益相关者也会被这种信心感染。

Because if you understand why it's not working for them, you will have a much better understanding of what are the different options to fix it. And usually, you have to be really confident and get really creative, and you have to get into this headspace of like, I can solve any problem, any challenge, any dead end, any issue. I can get through anything. I can always find a way out. When you approach it with that certainty and confidence, your brain will offer you more creative suggestions, and also your stakeholder will feel that confidence.

当你坚信总能找到解决方案、永远没有死胡同时，防御心理自然消失——因为防御往往源于信心不足。虽然不全是，但有时防御就来自‘完了，他们在质疑我，我无路可退要出丑了’的恐惧。

Because when you're confident that you can always find a solution, that it's never a dead end, when you have that confidence, your defensiveness goes away. Because defensiveness comes from a lack of confidence. Not always, but sometimes defensiveness comes from this fear of like, oh, no. They're challenging me, and I have no way out of this. And now I'm gonna look bad.

但如果内心坚信‘我擅长这个，没有解决不了的问题’，当遇到反对或攻击时，你会淡定地想：‘没问题，我们一定能找到解决办法’。

But if deep inside you're thinking, I'm so good at this. I can solve anything. Then when someone disagrees or is being aggressive, you're like, no problem. We're gonna figure this out. Like, we're gonna find the solution.

当你处于这种‘总有解决方案’的思维模式时，对方能感受到。这进一步缓解紧张气氛，促进问题解决。我想强调的是：这些利益相关者其实在召唤你进阶到更高阶的领导力层面——要能从容应对质疑与防御心理，放缓节奏提问探询，并将对抗态势转化为由你引领的共同解决问题。这需要极强的情绪调节能力和自信，但你完全能做到。

And when you're in that kinda like no problem, we're gonna find the solution type of mindset, the other stakeholder feels it. And that further reduces the tension, and it helps deescalate, and it helps with problem solving. And so what I'm calling you to do and what I'm really saying to you is these stakeholders are almost calling you to rise into a more sophisticated level of leadership where you're able to hold the complexity of being challenged, feeling defensive, having to slow down and ask the stakeholder questions, and having to find a way to pivot from, like, them being antagonistic into you all problem solving it together with you leading the way. This isn't easy to do. It requires an incredible amount of emotional regulation and confidence, but it's absolutely something you can do.

其中关键的一点是，无论你对自己和工作抱有何种自信，都要将这份自信带入会议室，并认为自己不仅在幕后擅长工作，更要在面对难缠的利益相关者时同样出色。对吧？就像你如此精通本职工作，即使在这些手握权力、充满敌意的人群中遭遇突如其来的难题，你依然能解决必须解决的问题，或交出卓越成果。希望这些建议有所帮助。

And one of the key pieces of this is any sort of confidence that you feel around yourself and your job, you wanna bring that confidence into the room and think of yourself as not just good at, like, doing your job when you're behind the scenes, but you wanna think of yourself as being really good at doing your job when you're in the room with difficult stakeholders. Right? Like, you're so good at your job, and you're so good at what you do that even when these massive curveballs get thrown at you in rooms full of people, and they're in the power position, and they're being antagonistic. Like, even when that happens, you can still solve for what you need to solve, or you can still deliver something excellent. I hope this was helpful.

请告诉我你的想法。在进入下一话题前，我们将短暂休息。享受片刻。嘿，杰西，我有个问题想问你。

Please let me know. And before I move on to the next one, we're going to take a quick break. Enjoy. Hey, Jess. I, I had a question for you.

什么问题？嗯，你正使用的办公桌是... 我正在用的桌子怎么了？哦，这是我的桌子，我在想能否借用一下。当然，前提是你觉得没问题。只要不会打扰到你。

What's your question? Well, the desk that you're working at is a The desk that I'm working at is what? Well, it's my desk, and I was wondering if I could use it. I mean, only if that's cool with you. Only if, like, that doesn't bother you.

哦，你是说我占用了你的桌子想收回？是的。但如果造成不便或让你困扰，请别在意，我完全没关系。好的。

Oh, you mean I'm sitting at your desk and you want your desk back? Yes. But if it's an inconvenience or, like, if it's annoying or it bothers you, please don't worry. I'm totally fine. Okay.

你需要下载杰西的免费电子书。书的内容是什么？全是关于如何培养自信——无意冒犯，但你这方面确实需要提升。不，我不想变得强势。

You need to download Jess's free ebook. What's the ebook about? It's all about assertiveness, which, no offense, you kind of need some help with. No. I don't wanna be assertive.

我不想成为那种咄咄逼人、令人反感的粗鲁之人。那根本不符合我的性格。这正是你需要这本书的原因。杰西会教你如何以既坚定有力，又尊重真诚的方式表达主张。哦，有意思。

I don't wanna become one of those people who's aggressive and obnoxious and rude. That's so not me. That's exactly why you need the ebook. Jess teaches you how to be assertive in a way that's strong and powerful, yet also respectful and authentic. Oh, interesting.

就像我这样说：嘿杰西，介意我收回桌子吗？我有些工作要处理。正是如此。好的。

You mean like me saying, hey, Jess. Mind if I get my desk back? I have some work to do. Exactly. Okay.

我明白了。我确实需要这本电子书。在哪里能找到它？访问assertivenessebook.com或点击节目说明中的链接。还有，这是还你的办公桌。

I get it. I do need this ebook. Where do I find it? Go to assertivenessebook.com or click the link in the show notes. And also, here's your desk back.

好的。那我们来看下一个问题。问题是这样的：作为一个讨好型人格的优秀员工，我很难在不觉得自己惹恼他人的情况下表达并维护自己的需求，最终总是感到内疚和怨恨。

Alright. So let's get into the next question. Here is the question. As a people pleaser and good worker bee, it's hard for me to speak up and advocate for my needs without feeling as if I'm ruffling feathers. I end up feeling guilty and resentful.

有什么建议吗？好的，关于这个问题我有许多想法。首先浮现的是你使用的'感觉自己在惹恼他人'这个表述。

Any tips? Okay. So I have lots of thoughts for you on this one. The first thought that's coming up for me is the phrase feeling. You use the phrase feeling as if I'm ruffling feathers.

当你维护自身需求时，感觉就像在惹恼他人。如果我在辅导你，我会想深入了解这种体验对你意味着什么，因为不同的人对此可能有完全不同的理解。比如我有两位客户，他们都对我说了同样的话——'我无法在不觉得惹恼他人的情况下维护需求'。

So when you are advocating for your needs, it feels like you're ruffling feathers. This is something that like if I was coaching you, I would want to deepen my understanding of that experience for you because that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So for example, let's say I have two different clients and they both come to me and they say what you said. Right? I can't advocate for my needs without feeling as if I'm ruffling feathers.

很可能客户A根本没有惹恼任何人，这只是他们想象中的投射，实际上没人被冒犯。而客户B可能确实在惹恼某些利益相关方，对方不喜欢他们的沟通方式。

It could very well be a situation where client a is not at all ruffling feathers, and it's just something that's happening in their imagination. Like, it's a projection that they're having that they're ruffling feathers, and no one is actually bothered. Like, no feathers are actually being ruffled. And then client b might actually be ruffling feathers. Like, there might be a stakeholder or stakeholders that dislike the way that they're communicating.

所以关键是要诚实地问自己：当我维护需求时，是否看到真实持续的迹象表明这困扰了他人？还是这只是我的内心感受——虽然内心觉得在打扰别人，但外部并无实际证据？这非常重要，因为根据答案不同，我给出的建议会截然不同。接下来我会针对两种情况分别给出建议。

And so one thing that's really important for you to be really honest with yourself about is to ask yourself, am I seeing, like, real consistent evidence that when I advocate for my needs, it bothers people? Or is this an experience that I'm having internally? I feel internally as if I'm bothering people, but I'm not seeing a lot of external evidence that I'm bothering people. The reason that that's so important is because depending on what the answer to that is, the advice that I would give is really, really different. So I'll share advice for both scenarios.

我先简要说说确实惹恼他人时的应对方案（根据问题描述猜测，你很可能没有实际惹恼他人的证据，更多是心理层面的困扰——这并非无效感受，明确这点才能有效帮助你）。但让我们先从确实冒犯他人的情境开始分析。

I'll quickly share advice on the scenario where you actually are ruffling feathers just to get that out of the way because my guess from this question, if I had to guess just based on what's in this question, I would guess that you don't have a lot of evidence that you're ruffling feathers and that it's just something you're experiencing more in your mind, which by the way, doesn't make it invalid. Right? Not to say like it's wrong that you're experiencing it in your mind. It's just important to know that so that we can respond to it and and so I can help you through it in a way that'll be really effective. But let's start with the scenario where you actually are ruffling feathers.

如果是这种情况，通常有两件事需要做到，才能让你在不触怒对方的前提下为自己发声。第一是长期策略：你需要持续建立更牢固的利益相关者关系，这样当你需要拒绝或主张自身需求时，你们之间已经建立了信任基础和坚实的专业关系。因为当我们拒绝、坚持立场或主张需求时，对方对此的感知会因我们与其建立的信任度和历史关系深浅而截然不同。如果我们有深厚的合作历史，长期共事彼此了解——

If that's the case, there's typically two things that need to happen for you to be able to advocate for yourself without ruffling the feathers of the other person. One is a longer term thing where you need to be in the long term building stronger stakeholder relationships so that when you do need to push back and advocate for your needs, you already have a foundation of trust and of a strong professional relationship with that person. Because when we're pushing back or being assertive or advocating for our needs, the stakeholder is going to experience it differently depending on how much trust and how much of a past relationship history we have with them. If we have a rich history, we've been working with them for a long time. They know us well.

我们曾互相协助。若存在这样的关系基础，此时我们提出异议或为自己争取时，对方接受度会更高。反之，若在会议中面对几乎不曾合作的陌生人，你刚提出反对意见，对方的感受就会大不相同。这本质上是由于你们的关系基础薄弱。但好消息是：人际关系是你可以主动掌控的领域。

We've done them favors. They've done us favors. If we have that kind of relationship and then we're pushing back or advocating for ourselves, it's more likely to be better received versus if someone's in a meeting who you barely work with and you barely know that person, and they share something and you start pushing back, they're gonna have a really different experience of that. And it's because the relationship that you have with them isn't as strong. Now, the good news is the relationships that you have with people is something under your control.

你可以逐步强化这些关系，这是个长期过程。并非周一和鲍勃喝过咖啡，周二会议上反驳他时就能一帆风顺。但随着时间的推移，这些关系会日益牢固，你的主张也会更容易被接纳，引发的抵触情绪会更少。这是当你的反对引发他人不快时的第一个解决方案。

You can strengthen those, and it's a longer term thing. So it's not like if you have coffee with Bob on a Monday, then on Tuesday, if you're in a meeting with Bob, that meeting is gonna go perfectly if you have to be assertive and push back against something that Bob says. But it is a situation where it's like over time, those relationships will get stronger and stronger, and your audience will receive your advocacy in a better way. It won't ruffle their feathers as much. So that's the first thing that helps if people are actually getting upset by you pushing back.

第二个解决方案是调整你表达主张的方式。当我们反对他人时，选择怎样的表达方式比反对行为本身更重要。例如跨职能团队领导要求你在紧迫而不现实的截止日前交付成果，你明知必须拒绝这个要求。此时核心诉求是向对方表明你不会接受这个期限——

The second thing that helps if people are actually getting upset by you pushing back is to change the way that you're framing the advocacy. So when we're disagreeing with someone and we're pushing back against them, the way that we choose to say what we're gonna say is more important than the actual pushing back that we're doing. So for example, let's say a leader on a cross functional team asks you to deliver something at a deadline that is just too soon and unsustainable for you. And you know you can't agree to that deadline, and you know you need to push back against that stakeholder. So you know that the core thing that you need to communicate to that stakeholder is that the deadline they're asking for is not something you're going to agree to.

真正影响对方是否感到冒犯的，不是你传达拒绝的事实，而是你表达拒绝的具体方式。因此必须精心设计表达反对意见的措辞。以下是几个能让对方更好接受的表达技巧：首先（这与之前问题中提到的策略呼应）——

It is not the fact that you're sharing that with the stakeholder that is going to impact if their feathers are ruffled. It is literally how you say it and how you choose to express that to them that is going to impact how they receive it. So it's really, really important to put a lot of thought and care into how you express the pushback. Now, are a couple of things that you can do to express it in a way where it will be better received by the other person. The first is, and this is repeating on something that I shared in the prior question.

第一，当对方提出期限等要求时，在反对前先询问决策背景。了解他们设定该期限的考量因素。这既能让他们感受到被重视，为即将发生的分歧积累好感；又能让你根据其真实诉求寻找创造性解决方案。掌握这些信息后，在表达反对时，首先要通过声明支持意愿来软化态度——

The first is when they ask for the deadline or whatever it is they ask for, before pushing back, ask to understand the context behind it. Ask to understand why they chose that deadline and any thoughts that went into that decision. Number one, that will help them feel like you care and you're listening, which is gonna buy you some goodwill for when you disagree in the very near future. But number two, when you know why they chose that deadline, you can do your best to find creative ways to accommodate the motivations that went into the deadline. So then once you know that, when you do express your disagreement and you're gonna push back against them, you want to soften it by number one, expressing your desire to support them, to be helpful to them.

其次，在提出反对前先阐述你的决策逻辑。比如在拒绝期限前，你可以说：“我希望以最有价值的方式配合这个项目”——这表明你重视对方需求。接着说明：“由于αβ项目即将上线，目前团队资源已饱和”，最后再提出：“因此这个截止日期对我们具有挑战性。”

And number two, sharing your rationale before you actually share the pushback. So in this situation, before you say, no, this deadline doesn't work for me, you would first want to say something like, I want to make sure to plug into this in the most useful way possible. So you're expressing to the stakeholder that their needs and priorities are important to you. And then you'd also say, right now, my team is at capacity because of the alpha beta project launch that's happening. And then I would say, and for that reason, this deadline is going to be challenging for us.

这样一来，利益相关方就有机会听到你表达确实存在挑战的真实原因。当你分享这些原因时，它们会为你的回应增添可信度。明白吗？利益相关方会认为你是个通情达理的人。等到你说'因此截止日期会很有挑战性'时，他们的抵触情绪可能已经减弱，因为你既表达了成为优秀合作伙伴的意愿，又阐明了背后的逻辑。

This way, your stakeholder has the chance to hear you express that you have real reasons for it being a challenge. And as you share those, those are gonna give your response credibility. Right? Like, the stakeholder is gonna see that you're a reasonable human. And then by the time you say, and that's why the deadline will be challenging, they'll probably be somewhat less resistant to it because you expressed your desire to be a good partner, and you also explained the rationale behind it.

所以当你说'我真心希望能全力协助你们，但由于阿尔法贝塔项目，我的团队已经满负荷运转，这个截止日期会很有挑战性'时，利益相关方的感受会与直接说'这个截止日期有挑战性'截然不同。后者会立即引发对方的防御心理。通过预先表明合作意愿并说明推迟原因，能在传达困难消息前化解部分对抗情绪。当然，你还可以做得更好——比如头脑风暴出对双方都可行的解决方案。

So when you say, I really wanna make sure we can plug in and help you as best as possible, and my team is very much at capacity because of project alpha beta, so this deadline's going to be challenging, that's gonna be a really different experience for your stakeholder versus if you just say, this deadline is gonna be challenging. Because as soon as they hear that, they're gonna get defensive. So by sharing upfront your desire to partner with them and the context for why you're pushing back, it helps diffuse some of the defensiveness before you share the thing that is the difficult news. Now, of course, there's more you can do here to make this even more effective. You can brainstorm potential solutions that could work for both you and the stakeholder.

这有点像我之前回答的问题。核心在于让利益相关方感受到你重视他们的优先事项，并真心想共同寻找双赢方案。当你真诚表示'我真的很想帮你们团队完成任务'时，对方能感受到这份成为好伙伴的诚意。通常他们会回应说'感谢你的态度，或许我们可以放宽期限'。

This is kind of like going back to the prior question that I was answering. But the idea here is you want the stakeholder to feel that you care about their priorities and that you actually wanna work with them to find a way forward that works for both of you. And people can really feel that when you are genuinely expressing like, look, I really wanna help your team get this over the line, and you are sincere in that desire to really be a good partner to the stakeholder, they will often feel that. And then they will often say, you know, I appreciate that. Maybe we can loosen the deadline.

他们能感受到你的合作意愿。当你真心想支持时，他们能感知；当你防御时，他们同样能察觉。不必因为拒绝就觉得自己辜负了对方——只有当你不愿倾听、协作或寻求新方案时，才算真正的辜负。

So they're gonna feel your desire to partner with them. Like, when you really wanna support them, they can feel it. Versus when you get defensive, they can feel it. And so you don't need to feel like you're failing the stakeholder just because you're saying no. I think you're only failing the stakeholder when you're unwilling to, like, listen or collaborate or push for a new solution.

通常，你主动寻求解决方案或协作的态度，比盲目接受每个截止日期更受重视。刚才的讨论基于你主张需求时会引发摩擦的假设。但正如之前提到的，可能利益相关方并未感到恼火，这只是你预感到或想象会产生摩擦的心理体验。若是后者，就需要更多心理和思维层面的调整，而非实操技巧。

And often, your willingness to try to find a new solution or to collaborate with them to figure it out, that's often more valued than you just like saying yes to every single deadline. Now everything that I just shared was under the assumption that you actually are ruffling feathers when you advocate for your needs. But I mentioned earlier when I was answering the question that it could be that your stakeholders aren't feeling annoyed and that you're not ruffling feathers, but this is just more a psychological experience that you're having where you anticipate that it will ruffle feathers or you imagine that it's ruffling feathers. And if that's the case, then the work is a bit more on the psychological side and the mindset side versus the practical side. So if it's something that you're experiencing psychologically, you don't need to worry as much about, like, how do I push back in the right way?

这种情况下，我建议你将注意力放在'为什么我会这么想？'以及'如何温和地引导自己建立新的认知模式？'。我会分享些可能有用的心理学思考角度，但必须说明：这类问题强烈建议通过教练或心理咨询师来深入探索自我认知。

Where I would encourage you to put your attention is, like, why do I feel this way? And how can I gently support myself in learning a new way to think about this situation? And I'll share just a bit of thoughts on how to think about the psychology of this that might be useful for you. Although, I will caveat this by saying that this is the type of thing that I would strongly recommend working with either a coach or a therapist so that they can guide you through your understanding of yourself more deeply. But as humans, when we're growing up, depending on the early relationships and experiences we have early on in our lives, those relationships and experiences shape our understanding of conflict.

人类在成长过程中，早期的人际关系和经历塑造了我们对冲突的理解。世界上有人极度恐惧冲突并竭力避免；有人对冲突无感；还有人主动制造冲突。为何人类对冲突的态度如此不同？一个重要原因是我们成长环境传递了特定的冲突认知信号。

So there are some people in the world who are really afraid of conflict and who avoid conflict and do everything they can to make sure there is no conflict. And then there's other people who aren't bothered by conflict and aren't afraid of it. And then there's other people who seek out conflict and create conflict. So how could it be that humans can have such different relationships with conflict? Well, one big reason is the environment that we grow up in sends us certain messages about conflict.

如果我们真的害怕惹恼他人，就需要反思早年生活中关于冲突和冒犯他人学到了什么。以下是一些观点和例子帮助你更好地理解：也许我们的照料者每次在我们提出需求时都会发怒，并忽视我们的诉求。于是我们学会了提出要求就会惹人生气，这种认知深深扎根。我们将这种观念带入成年后的职业生活和个人关系中。

And if we are really afraid of ruffling feathers, we wanna ask ourselves what we might have learned early on in life about conflict and about ruffling feathers. So here are some ideas and examples to help you understand this better. Maybe we had a caregiver who every time we ask for something, they would get angry at us, and they would dismiss our need for whatever it is we're asking for. So we learned that when we ask for something, feathers get ruffled, and that becomes a deeply held understanding. And we bring that with us into adulthood and in our professional lives and in some of our personal relationships.

我们可能难以开口提要求，因为经验告诉我们：只要提要求就会惹人不快。要更新这种认知对大脑来说相当困难。比如你现在的上司根本不在意你表达需求，但如果你曾有过强烈 formative 经历（注：formative指塑造性格的关键时期），认定提需求必会触怒他人，那么即使有无数证据表明上司并不介意，你仍会害怕惹恼他——这就是心理认知未能与时俱进的典型案例，此时心理转变过程就显得至关重要。

We might struggle to ask for things because we learned, oh, when I ask for things, feathers are ruffled. And it can be quite hard for our mind to update that information. So for example, you might have a boss whose feathers aren't easily ruffled, who is totally open to you advocating for your needs. But if you've had really strong formative experiences where you learned that whenever you advocate for your needs, feathers are ruffled, then you might be afraid of ruffling your boss's feathers even though there's tons of evidence that your boss doesn't care and that that's not the actual reality. And so sometimes our belief system doesn't update to reflect the new reality that we are in in the present, and that is where the psychological change process becomes really, really important.

希望这对你有所启发：如果你对此深有共鸣，那么你已经获得了初步的成长路线图——你害怕惹恼他人，但这种恐惧可能不符合现实。现在你可以采取强有力的行动：既然明白了这个道理，我的目标就是破除'表达需求必会惹人生气'的信念。具体方法：第一，寻找反证并充分消化这些证据；第二，不仅要寻找证据，更要主动创造证据。

And what I hope is really useful to you is that if this feels true for you and if you relate to this, you already have an initial rough road map of what some of your work is and what that growth will look like for you in that you experience a fear of ruffling feathers, but that fear might not necessarily match with reality. And something really powerful that you can do is to say, okay. Now that I know this information, my goal is to dismantle this belief that advocating for my needs always ruffles feathers by number one, searching for evidence that that's not true. And every time I find the evidence, I'm gonna really slow down and allow myself to take it in. And number two, not just searching for evidence, but actually generating evidence.

寻找证据的场景可能是：会议上Amy反驳了Bob，但Bob并未动怒，尽管Amy态度坚决。这时你可以观察并思考：看，Amy提出反对后Bob没生气，这很有趣。我原本认为反驳必会激怒他人，但眼前发生的并非如此。或许我的信念体系并不总是正确——这就是寻找证据的过程，极其有力。

So searching for evidence would look like you're in a meeting, and Amy pushes back against Bob, and Bob's feathers are not ruffled, even though Amy was being really assertive in pushing back against Bob. Searching for evidence would be you saying, oh, look, Amy pushed back against Bob. Bob didn't get upset. That's interesting. I have a belief that people always get upset when someone pushes back, but that's not what happened in this room.

但创造证据更具威力。你可以自问：如何通过自身行动证明，为自己发声并不总会触怒他人？比如当Bob提出要求时，你想反驳却听到内心警告'别开口，会惹麻烦'——这正是突破的关键时刻。要破除旧信念，你必须顶住压力反驳Bob，亲自见证'不仅他人可以做到，我同样能做到在不激怒对方的情况下坚持己见'。

Maybe my belief system isn't always correct. So that would be searching for evidence, super powerful, but creating evidence is even more powerful. So creating evidence would be you saying, how can I prove to myself through the actions that I take that speaking up for myself and advocating for my needs doesn't always ruffle feathers? And so that would look like you being in a situation and Bob asking you for something, and you knowing that you wanna push back and you wanna advocate for your needs, and then you having a voice in your head that says, don't do it. You're gonna ruffle feathers.

因为最终，当你亲身实践时，新的信念才会真正深入人心。此刻你面临的选择是：为了超越这个信念体系，我必须反驳Bob，为自己创造见证的机会——不仅别人可以做到不惹怒对方地表达主张，我同样可以做到。这种亲身体验会让新信念更深层次地内化。

Don't say anything. That's the moment where you can decide for me to grow out of this belief system. I actually have to push back against Bob so that I can create an opportunity for me to witness that not only can you push back and advocate without ruffling feathers, but I can push back and advocate without ruffling feathers. It is also possible for me to do that. Because ultimately, when you're the one doing it, that new belief is going to sink in at a much deeper level.

现在揭示真相：这类心理建设之所以困难，是因为事实往往处于中间地带。坚持自我有时会惹人不快，有时则不会——这取决于具体对象和情境。因此请对自己保持宽容，关键在于认识到：表达主张不总是也不从不会触怒他人，真实情况是因人因事而异的。

Now here's the truth of the situation, and here's why this inner work can be difficult and why this stuff is hard. So it's important to give yourself lots of grace. I think what's tricky about this is that the truth truth is somewhere in the middle. It's not that asserting yourself always ruffles feathers. And it's not that asserting yourself never ruffles feathers depending on the person and the situation.

真正棘手的是，当你正在建立这种新信念并挑战‘为自己发声就会惹人生气’的旧观念时，仍会出现确实惹怒他人的情况，你最恐惧的场景成真了——对方真的生气了。关键是不能让这种情况使你倒退，产生‘看吧，这主意糟透了，总会得罪人’的想法。你必须学会接受这种灰色地带：是的，有时会惹人不快，但并非总是如此。另一关键在于，实际发生冲突的频率远低于你的想象。

So what's really tricky is as you are building this new belief and challenging your belief that if you advocate for yourself, it will ruffle feathers, there will still be instances where it actually does ruffle feathers, where your worst fear comes true, and the other person is upset. And it's so important not to allow that instance to kind of regress you backwards and have you be like, see, this is such a bad idea. It always ruffles feathers. It's important to be able to be in that gray area of like, okay, sometimes it ruffles feathers, but not always. And then the other piece to this is like, in the instances where it does ruffle feathers, which probably is not going to be nearly as often as you think it will.

但当冲突确实发生时，你需要提升自己承载相关情绪的能力。根据这个问题推测，若你真惹恼了某人，情绪冲击对你而言可能非常强烈。正因这种体验令你难以承受，你的大脑才执着于规避这种情况——它不愿你经历这种不适。因此你必须认清两点：第一，我的大脑高估了惹人生气的频率；第二，我的大脑认为目标应是避免冲突以逃避那种感受。

But in the instances where it does, the work there is for you to increase your capacity to be with the emotions that that brings up. Because I imagine based on this question that if you actually do ruffle someone's feathers, my guess would be that it feels intense emotionally. It feels like a lot for you to have that experience, which is why your mind is so focused on solving for you not having that experience because your mind doesn't want you to experience that discomfort. So it's really important for you to recognize, number one, my mind overestimates how often I will ruffle feathers. And number two, my mind thinks that the goal is to avoid ruffling feathers so I don't have to feel that feeling.

而你需要做的（这极其困难，是改变过程中最艰难的部分）是做出决定：我究竟要继续致力于规避冲突带来的情绪不适，还是将目标定为学会承受因冲突产生的不适感受？这不是轻易能做的抉择，但不同的选择将引向截然不同的行动路径。

And what you need to do and this is so hard. This is the hardest part of change work. But what you need to do is you need to make a decision. And again, this is a very hard thing, so I don't say this lightly. But the decision is, do I want to keep solving for avoiding the emotional discomfort of ruffling feathers, or do I want my goal to be to know how to bear the emotions, the uncomfortable emotions that come up when I do ruffle feathers.

尽管选择以‘学会承受某种不愉快且令人痛苦的 discomfort’为目标可能极具挑战性，但这恰恰能让你变得无比强大、坚韧、自信，并显著提升你的领导效能。我们的大脑总想逃避不适，这种本能让我们热衷于解决‘如何避免不适’的问题。但这样做反而会限制我们的发展空间。

Because depending on what path you choose, you're gonna take a very different course of action. And I will say, even though it can be very difficult and very confronting to basically make your goal to learn to experience a form of discomfort that is unpleasant and not fun. It's also the thing that will make you feel so strong and so resilient and so confident, and that will really increase your effectiveness as a leader. Our minds really like to avoid discomfort, and it's very natural for us to aggressively solve for avoiding discomfort. The problem is when we do that, it keeps us from taking up space.

它阻碍我们主张需求，阻止我们在职场和生活中展现最完整、最强大、最真实的自我。若我们真想发挥最大领导潜能，学会坚定表达并如实陈述自身需求，就必须学会承受这种情绪不适。接下来我会分享一个亲身经历，希望能给你启发——我的播客自2017年开播以来...

It keeps us from advocating for our needs. It keeps us from being the fullest, biggest, most powerful, most honest version of ourselves in the workplace and in the world. And if we really want to lead at our maximum potential and learn to be assertive and learn to be truthful when we're talking about our wants and needs, then we will have to learn to bear that emotional discomfort. I'll share a quick personal story around this that I hope will help you with this, and then I'll close the episode because this one turned out long. But what I wanna share with you is that I've had my podcast since 2017.

最初听众寥寥无几，直到2023年迎来爆发式增长。虽然令人兴奋，但首次出现大量尖锐批评——作为内容创作者我明白这是概率问题：受众越少，负面评价就越少；但受众越广，这种情况就越多。每次收到恶意评论、一星差评或批评邮件时，我都会经历强烈的情绪波动。

And when I first launched this podcast, I had a very, very, very small audience, very small. And around 2023, I experienced rapid growth in my audience. And while that was, like, really exciting for me, what happened for the first time is that I started to get highly critical comments and feedback, which I've basically learned as a content creator is a numbers game. When your audience is really, really small, you don't tend to get a lot of like negative comments, criticism, people saying things that are hurtful. But the more people consume your work, the more that happens.

这种不适感让我焦虑不已。我逐渐发现，自己开始微妙地调整内容、表达方式和观点来规避批评。这种改变极其隐蔽，连我自己都难以察觉——但大脑深处始终有个声音在说：‘那条评论让人太难受了’。

And every time I would get a mean comment or a one star review or an email from someone criticizing me, it would feel really emotionally intense for me, like super uncomfortable, very stressful, very anxiety inducing. And I noticed that the more that happened, the more I was subtly changing my content and how I showed up and what I said in order to try to avoid those things. It wasn't like an obvious thing. It was really, really subtle, and it was really hard for me to notice. But there was a part of my brain that was always running in the background that was like, that comment felt so bad.

那个一星评价让人感觉不太好。杰西，你要确保自己不会做任何可能导致更多此类评价的事，因为那感觉实在太糟了。在与教练探讨的过程中，我意识到尽管我的理想状况是减少这种负面反馈，但开始明白这某种程度上是个概率游戏——若想作为教练和内容创作者成长，我必须触达更多人，这意味着我将收到更多此类反馈，经历更多情感上的不适。我必须真正做出决定，一个清醒的选择：我能接受这点吗？

That one star review didn't feel good. Jess, make sure that you're not doing anything that is gonna cause you to get more of that because that feels so so bad. And what I realized as I was working through this with my coach is that despite the fact that my ideal situation was to get less and less of this negative feedback, I started to realize that it is a bit of a numbers game and that if I wanted to grow as a coach and as a content creator, I actually have to reach more people, which means I'm gonna get more of this feedback and have more of these emotionally uncomfortable experiences. And I had to really make a decision, like a conscious decision. Am I okay with that?

我必须抉择：是选择暗中试图最小化这种影响的路径？还是与大脑贪图安逸的本能对抗？是否要将新目标设定为——当有人说讨厌我、我的作品，或认为我的创作令他们反感时，我能在内心承载并消化这种不适。尽管我内心深处（我想所有人都是）确实幻想着被所有人喜欢，永远不必经历被讨厌或惹恼他人的感受，但我明白那终究只是幻想，并非现实。

And I had to decide, do I wanna go down the path where I'm subtly trying to minimize that? Or do I wanna fight back against my brain's tendency to just stay comfortable? And do I want to make my new goal, the goal of being able to hold and tolerate it within me when someone tells me that they dislike me or they dislike my work or that something I've created is, like, really distasteful to them. And as much as there really truly is a part of me, and I think there's a part of all of us that really fantasizes about being universally liked and never having this experience of being disliked or ruffling someone's feathers, I realized that that fantasy was just that, a fantasy. It wasn't real.

那既是我无法达成的状态，也无法让我以想要的方式占据空间。于是我转变了目标——不再试图避免这种情况发生，而是培养自己承载这种艰难体验的能力，消化当我登录邮箱或播客后台看到伤人言论时涌起的情绪。需要说明的是，我是个相当敏感的人，有些人能轻松忽略负面评论，但我不是。我会感受并受影响。

It wasn't something that I could attain and also take up space in the way that I wanted to. And so I made a shift, and the shift that I made was my goal is no longer to avoid this happening. My goal is to be able to hold this difficult experience within myself and to be able to metabolize the emotions that come up when I log into my inbox or when I log into the back end of my podcast and I see something that is hurtful. And just some context, like, I'm a pretty sensitive person. Some people can brush off negative comments easily.

但自从做出那个决定后，我变得越来越强大。如今我开始感受到一种正在涌现的自由与无畏——正是那个

I'm not one of those people. I feel it and it affects me. But ever since making that decision, I've gotten stronger and stronger and stronger. And I've started to get to this point where I'm feeling a level of freedom that's starting to bubble up with me and a level of fearlessness because through that decision I made where I decided I don't wanna avoid this feeling. I wanna become strong enough to bear more of this uncomfortable feeling.

当我决定要体验更多而非更少这种感受，当我的选择必然引来更多批评时，我注意到自己应对能力持续进步，信心也随之建立。现在由此产生的自由感确实无价——我不再被困在

Through me deciding that I wanted to experience more of that and not less of that, and through me taking up more space and making choices that would lead to more critique and negativity, my confidence started to build as I noticed myself getting better and better at navigating it. And now the freedom that I'm starting to feel around that is truly priceless Because I'm no longer in this cage of like, I can't handle these feelings, so therefore, every decision I make has to be made with the goal of making sure that no one ever dislikes me. Now I can just move forward and be who I wanna be and show up as who I wanna show up as and grow as much as I want to grow. And I don't have to be so worried about controlling what other people say to me, and that no longer dilutes my message and dilutes how I'm showing up. And so the reason I share that is to number one, help you see that if it's really difficult and stressful for you when people get mad at you or people's feathers are ruffled, I just want you to know that you're not alone.

我分享这些首先是想让你明白：当他人对你生气或感到冒犯时，若你觉得难以承受，你并不孤单。但我也想告诉你：尽管培养承受他人愤怒或冒犯他人带来的不适感，可能是你做过最艰难的内在功课，它同时也是最具解放性的工作，将带来信心、领导力和情绪韧性上无可比拟的重大成长。

But I also want you to know that even though it's probably some of the hardest inner work you'll do to build your capacity to be with the discomfort of someone actually being mad at you or you actually ruffling someone's feathers, It is also some of the most liberating work that you will do, and it is likely to lead to much more significant growth in your confidence and your leadership and your emotional resilience that is just totally unmatched. So when we do really difficult inner work, we tend to reap really big benefits. And I have found that the benefits we reap in terms of, like, the confidence that we build tends to be proportionate to the difficulty of the inner work itself. So when we're really willing to do the hard inner work and we do it, that's when we build the bigger confidence versus when we're not really willing to do it, we tend to build a much smaller, more limited version of confidence. So it's worth it.

艰难的内在功课往往带来巨大回报。我发现建立的信心与内在功课的难度成正比——当我们真正愿意并完成艰难的内在工作时，建立的信心更为宏大；反之则只能获得局限版的自信。所以尽管困难，这值得付出。最后我想提醒大家：在学习增强情绪韧性的过程中对自己保持慈悲，并记住这种内在转变通常需要治疗师、教练或支持系统的帮助——因为它艰难，但值得。好吧，这期节目实在太长了。

Even though it's hard, it's worth it. And I just would wanna leave you and everyone with the reminder to be really compassionate with yourself as you are learning to be more emotionally resilient and to also remember that this level of internal change isn't something that most people do alone. We typically need therapists, coaches, and or a support system to help us because it is difficult, but it's worth it. Okay. This episode has turned out so long.

我喘不过气了。我得结束这次对话了。我还有更多没来得及问的问题。我会把它们留着。以后我还想再做一期问答节目。

I'm out of breath. I have to wrap it up. I have more questions that I didn't get to. I am keeping them on hand. I want to do another q and a episode in the future.

如果你喜欢这期节目，如果它对你有帮助，如果你觉得它真的很有用，请分享给那些可能从《发现勇敢发声的艺术》播客中受益的人。就这样，祝你今天剩下的时间过得愉快，我们下周再见。拜拜。

If you loved this episode, if it helped you, if you found it really useful, please share it with someone who could benefit from Discovering The Art of Speaking Up podcast. And with that, have an amazing rest of your day, and I'll catch you next week. Bye.