问答：如何与不愿倾听的家人设定界限

大家好，我是莎拉·赫斯蒂希，欢迎来到复杂创伤播客。

Hi, I'm Sarah Herstich, and welcome to the Complex Trauma Podcast.

我是一名EMDR和躯体创伤治疗师，热衷于帮助人们从创伤的影响中重新夺回自己的生活。

I'm an EMDR and somatic trauma therapist, and I'm passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma.

如果你正在努力疗愈，却仍然不明白为什么你的身体无法配合，或者为什么你就是无法轻易地翻过这一页，那你来对地方了。

If you're working on healing and still wondering why your body won't get on board, or why you can't just move past all of this already, you're in the right place.

我们会探讨你的神经系统中真正发生的事情、你一直经历的创伤反应，以及为什么这一切远没有人们说得那么简单。

We talk about what's actually happening in your nervous system, the trauma responses you've been living with, and why none of this feels as easy as people make it sound.

没有速成方案。

No quick fixes.

不要假装这一切很容易。

No pretending any of this is easy.

只有坦诚地讨论复杂创伤究竟带来了什么，以及真正恢复自我需要付出哪些努力。

Just honest conversations about what complex trauma does, and what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.

让我们开始吧。

Let's get into it.

大家好，欢迎回到复杂创伤播客。

Hey, everybody, welcome back to the complex trauma podcast.

今天，我将带来一种我们过去从未尝试过的全新节目形式。

Today, I'm going to do a different style of episode than we've ever done in the past.

我将回答一位听众的问题。

I'm going to answer a listener's question.

在网站 www.yourcomplextrauma.com/contact 上，有一个小窗口，你们可以录制问题，我会在播客中回答。

So on the website, www.yourcomplextrauma.com backslash contact, there's a little widget where you can record a question for me to answer on the podcast.

这位听众就是这么做的，问题是关于假期期间的界限设定。

So this person did that all about boundaries during the holidays.

所以，我现在就为大家播放这段提问。

So I'm going to go ahead and play that question for you.

然后我们再深入探讨。

And then we're going to dive in.

感恩节期间，我有一位家人不断突破我设定的界限。

Over Thanksgiving, I had a family member who constantly push boundaries that I set.

即使我已经要求他们停止，他们还是继续他们的行为，这让我失去了耐心。

They would continue with their actions even though I had asked them to stop, and this caused me to lose my temper.

我发火了，导致之后的家庭聚会气氛紧张。

I snapped, and it caused tension for the rest of the family visit.

我该如何为圣诞节做好准备？

What can I do to get ready for Christmas?

在我们深入讨论之前，让我们先停一下，给这位听众，以及所有能产生共鸣的人传递一条信息。我感觉，自感恩节以来，你可能一直在为此责备自己，反复回想，感到尴尬，怀疑自己是不是哪里出了问题。

Okay, before we dive in, let's just pause for a second to send a little message to who sent this in and to whoever can really relate because I have a feeling that you've been beating yourself up about this probably since Thanksgiving, replaying it, cringing, wondering if there's something wrong with you.

我想让你真正明白的是，你当时的反应，是你身体对真实威胁到你安全与尊严的情况所做出的回应。

So here's what I really want you to know what happened was your body responding to a real threat to your safety and dignity.

但这并不意味着你可以随时随意对别人大发雷霆。

So that doesn't mean that you get a free pass to blow up at people whenever you want to.

它的意思是，你的反应是合情合理的。

What it means is that your reaction it makes sense.

现在，我们要想办法在下一次保护自己，同时不牺牲自己的内心平静。

And now we get to figure out how to protect yourself in a way that doesn't cost you your peace next time.

这些年来，我从客户、朋友以及我生活中的其他人那里，多次听到类似的故事。

So over the years, I've heard versions of this story so many times from clients, from friends from people in my life.

说实话，我自己也经历过类似的情况。

And honestly, I've lived versions of this myself.

让我们来描绘一下这种情况通常是什么样子的。

So let's paint a picture of what this often looks like.

想象一下几年前的感恩节，你已经做了很多努力，接受了治疗，练习了设定界限，甚至在手机备忘录里写下了具体的应对语句，以备不时之需。

Imagine a Thanksgiving from a few years ago, you've done the work, you've been in therapy, you've practiced setting boundaries, you have actual phrases written down in the notes app on your phone that you can pull up if you need them.

当某些话题出现时，你知道自己该说什么。

You know what you're going to say when certain topics come up.

你甚至已经制定了一整套计划。

You have like a whole plan.

你还记得那天早上准备出门时，可能做了些接地练习，提醒自己现在已经是成年人了，拥有选择权，必要时可以离开，你感到自己准备充分、充满力量。

You remember getting ready that morning, maybe doing some grounding exercises before you left, reminding yourself that you're an adult now that you have choices that you can leave if you need to, you feel prepared and you feel strong.

在最初的那一个小时左右，你真的觉得自己已经完全掌握了设定界限的技巧。

And for the first hour or so, you genuinely feel like you're you've got this whole boundary thing mastered.

有人对你的育儿方式发表评论，你冷静地转移话题。

It makes a comment about your parenting choices, calmly redirect.

感谢你的关心，但我们对自己的方法很满意。

I appreciate your concern, but we're really comfortable with our approach.

还有人追问你为何不再要一个孩子，你坚持立场，保持声音平稳，并转移了话题。

Someone else pushes about why you're not having another kid, you hold your ground, you keep your voice steady, you change the subject.

我们今天不讨论这个。

That's not something we're discussing today.

嘿，你看了上周的比赛吗？你为自己感到非常自豪。

Hey, did you see the game last week, and you're so proud of yourself.

然后这种情况再次发生，一次又一次，不同的人，同样的氛围。

And then it happens again, and again, different person, same energy.

就好像你的话一出口就立刻蒸发消失了。

It's like your words are evaporating the second they leave your mouth.

有人点头说好的，但几分钟后，他们又绕回到你明确说过不愿讨论的事情上。

Someone nods says okay, and then minutes later, it's like they circle right back around to the exact thing you said wasn't up for discussion.

当第四次或第五次有人完全无视你刚说过的话，把你设定的界限当成建议而不是真正的限制时。

By the fourth or fifth time someone completely disregards what you just said treating your boundaries like they're more of a suggestion than an actual limit.

你真的能感受到这一点。

And you really feel it.

热量开始在胸口上升，喉咙发紧，双手颤抖，你能感觉到心跳在耳边轰鸣，然后你终于爆发了。

The heat starts rising in your chest, your throat starts getting tight, your hands start to shake, you can feel your heart pounding in your ears, and then you snap.

不是温和地说‘我已经说过这件事了’，而是完全提高音量，很可能说出类似‘为什么这个家里没人真正听我说话’这样的话。

Not a gentle, hey, I already addressed this, but a full on voice raise probably saying some version of why does no one in this family actually listen to me.

如果你是我，你可能会眼眶湿润，这会让你更加愤怒，因为现在你在所有人面前哭了。

If you're me, you're probably getting teary, which makes you even angrier because now you're crying in front of everyone.

然后你抓起钥匙离开，直接走出去，接着发现自己坐在车道上的车里二十分钟，浑身发抖，反复回想自己说过的话，感到羞辱、愤怒，同时又莫名地觉得自己的反应是合理的。

Then you grab your keys and you leave, you just walk out, then you find yourself sitting in your car in the driveway for twenty minutes shaking, replaying everything you said, feeling humiliated and furious, and also weirdly justified all at the same time.

但当你开车回家时，却觉得自己是个失败者。

But then you drive home feeling like a failure.

觉得所有的治疗都毫无意义。

Like all that therapy was pointless.

好像你还不够痊愈，还不够成熟，还不够平静。

Like you're somehow not healed enough, not evolved enough, not calm enough.

如果你真的在努力疗愈，难道你不应该能保持冷静吗？

If you were really doing the work, wouldn't you have been able to stay regulated?

但我想让每个人都明白，无论是从我在治疗室里反复听到的这些故事，还是从我作为创伤和神经系统专家的自身经验来看。

But here's what I want everyone to know, both from hearing these stories over and over again in my therapy office, and from my own experience as someone who specializes in trauma and the nervous system.

那种反应，正是你的神经系统在尽职尽责。

That response, that was your nervous system doing its job.

在多次被忽视之后，你的身体说：好吧，言语不管用了。

After being dismissed multiple times, your body said, Okay, words aren't working.

该大声点了。

It's time to get loud.

所以让我们来谈谈这些时刻你身体里真正可能发生的事情，因为理解这一点能帮助你对自己多一些慈悲与宽容。

So let's talk about what's actually probably happening in your body during these moments, Because understanding this can help you give yourself a little bit more compassion and grace.

当有人第一次侵犯你的界限时，你的神经系统就会察觉，你可能会感到一丝紧张，心跳略微加快，肩膀稍微紧绷，这正是你的身体在提醒你：嘿，有点不对劲，注意一下。

When someone violates your boundary the first time your nervous system notices, you might feel a little bit of tension, maybe your heart rate picks up slightly, maybe your shoulders get a little bit tense, that's your body saying something like, Hey, like something's off, pay attention.

你仍然处于我们所说的耐受区间内。

You're still in what we call your window of tolerance.

这是你能清晰思考、做出回应而非本能反应，并运用你在治疗中努力培养的技能的区域。

That's the zone where you can think clearly, respond instead of react and access your skills as you've been working so hard on in therapy.

你可以使用你的边界表达语，保持当下觉知。

You can use your boundary script, you can stay present.

接着，你的交感神经系统开始激活。

Then the second thing happens, your sympathetic nervous system starts ramping up.

皮质醇和肾上腺素开始释放到你的血液中。

Cortisol and adrenaline are being released into your bloodstream.

你大脑中负责理性思考和情绪调节的前额叶皮层，开始部分失去功能。

Your prefrontal cortex, that part of your brain that's responsible for rational thinking and emotional regulation starts to go offline a little bit.

血液流动从你的思考中枢转向四肢，因为你的身体认为你可能需要战斗或逃跑。

Blood flow is redirecting away from your thinking brain and towards your limbs because your body thinks you might need to fight or run.

你正逐渐超出你的耐受区间。

You're starting to move out outside of your window of tolerance.

那些本来不会放在心上的事情，现在感觉变得更大了。

Things that would normally roll off of your back, they feel bigger.

你使用语言的能力变得困难了。

Your ability to access language, it gets harder.

你可能会注意到自己咬紧牙关，呼吸也变得浅了一些。

You might notice you're clenching your jaw, your breathing is a bit more shallow.

你的思绪变得更快，也更不连贯了。

Your thoughts are getting faster and less organized.

第三和第四次触发时，你的耐受窗口变得越来越窄。

The third violation and the fourth, your winner of tolerance is getting narrower and narrower.

你的身体实际上已经强烈意识到这对你来说很危险，即使你正坐在桌旁，面前是土豆泥和 hopefully 绿豆沙拉。

Your body is essentially really noticing that this is dangerous for you, even though you're sitting at a table with mashed potatoes and hopefully green bean casserole.

大多数人并不理解这一部分。

And most people don't understand this part.

当你发脾气的时候，你已经不再是在做选择了。

By the time you lose your temper, you're not making a choice anymore.

你正处于生存反应状态。

You're in a survival response.

你的杏仁核已经完全接管了你的整个系统。

Your amygdala has completely hijacked your entire system.

史蒂文·波格斯在多迷走神经理论中讨论过这一点。

Steven Porges talks about this in Polyvagal Theory.

我们的神经系统一直在持续扫描安全或危险信号。

We have nervous systems that are constantly scanning for safety or danger.

我们的系统会在我们无意识的情况下进行这种扫描。

Our systems, they do this outside of our conscious awareness.

当有人反复无视你的界限，尤其是那些本应关心你的人时，你的身体会将其解读为危险。

When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, especially someone who's supposed to care about you, your body reads that as danger.

你是否坐在餐桌旁并不重要。

It doesn't matter that you're sitting at a dinner table.

无论桌上有没有填料、派和节日音乐，都不重要。

It doesn't matter that there's stuffing and pie and holiday music.

你的神经系统并不在意节日气氛。

Your nervous system doesn't care about the holiday spirit.

它只关心生存。

It cares about survival.

当你的声音不断被忽视时，你的身体会解读为：这里不安全。

And when your words keep getting dismissed, your body interprets that as I'm not safe here.

在这里，我的需求不重要。

My needs don't matter here.

我需要做出更大的举动才能被听见。

I need to do something bigger to be heard.

而这让情况变得更加复杂。

And this is what makes it even more complicated.

家庭动态。

Family dynamics.

这些模式很可能不是新出现的。

These likely aren't new patterns.

你的神经系统与这些人或这个人的过往有着历史记忆。

Your nervous system has a history with these people or this person it remembers.

每一个曾被忽视界限的感恩节，每一个你感受不被重视的童年晚餐，每一次你试图发声却被压制、忽视或被说太敏感的时刻，这些都被储存在你的身体和内隐记忆中。

Every past Thanksgiving where your boundaries were ignored, every childhood dinner where your feelings didn't matter, every time you tried to speak up and got shut down or dismissed or told you were being too sensitive, that's all stored in your body in your implicit memory.

所以你回应的不只是今年的侵犯，而是几十年来累积的侵犯。

So you're not just responding to this year's violation, you're responding to decades of them.

你的神经系统本质上在说：哦，我熟悉这个模式。

Your nervous system is essentially saying, Oh, I know this pattern.

我知道接下来会发生什么。

I know how this goes.

我们以前来过这里，那时也不安全。

We've been here before and it wasn't safe then either.

这就是你的神经系统在无意识状态下检测安全或危险的能力。

That's your nervous system's ability to detect safety or danger without conscious awareness.

在你的理性大脑反应过来之前，你的身体就已经预知边界又将被侵犯了。

Your body knew your boundary was going to be violated again before your thinking brain even caught up.

这就像它早已在为战斗做准备。

It's like it was already preparing for battle.

如果你在成长过程中，边界总是被侵犯，情感需求从未被满足，为了维持和平还得压抑自己的感受，那么你对这类事情的耐受窗口可能本来就更窄。

And if you grew up in a family where your boundaries were consistently violated, where your emotional needs weren't met and where you had to suppress your feelings to keep the peace, your window of tolerance around the stuff is probably narrower to begin with.

你参加节日聚会时，已经接近这个耐受窗口的边缘了。

You're starting the holiday gathering already closer to the edge of that window.

这并不是什么个人缺陷。

This isn't some personal deficit.

这是一种适应。

This is an adaptation.

你的神经系统很早就意识到这个环境并不安全，因此它正竭尽全力保护你。

Your nervous system learned early on that this environment isn't safe, and it's doing everything it can to protect you.

让我们再深入一层，因为这不仅仅是你的神经系统对边界被侵犯做出的反应。

So let's add another layer to this because it's not just about your nervous system responding to boundary violations.

这还关乎你在家庭系统中扮演的角色，以及这个角色如何至今仍在显现。

It's also about the role that you played in your family system and how that role still shows up today.

有一位治疗师兼作家，名叫内德拉·格洛弗·托布，她对此有非常精彩的论述。

There's a therapist and author her name is Nedra Glover to Bob and she talks about this really brilliantly.

当你在一个从未设过界限的家庭中开始设立界限时，这个系统会反弹，而且反弹得非常强烈，因为你的界限打破了原有的平衡状态。

When you start setting boundaries in a family that's never had them, the system it pushes back and it pushes back really hard because your boundaries are disrupting the homeostasis the way things have always been.

如果你小时候是那个维持和平的人，总是缓和矛盾、确保每个人都感到舒适，那么你的界限对这个系统来说就是一种威胁。

And if you were the peacekeeper growing up, the one who smooth things over and made sure everyone was comfortable, your boundaries are threatening to the system.

你的家人习惯了你去承受他人的不适。

Your family is used to you absorbing everyone else's discomfort.

他们习惯了你总是迁就他人、不惹麻烦、把别人放在第一位。

They're used to you being the one who accommodates, who doesn't rock the boat, who puts everyone else first.

所以当你突然说：实际上，我不再这样做了。

So when you suddenly say, actually, I'm not doing that anymore.

这个系统就会慌乱，他们会测试你的界限，施加压力，甚至指责你才是那个难搞的、敏感的、制造问题的人。

The system freaks out, and they're going to test your boundary, they're going to push, they're going to act like you're the one being difficult or sensitive or causing problems.

因为从他们的角度来看，你确实就是如此。

Because from their perspective, you are.

你正在改变他们玩了几十年的游戏规则。

You're changing the rules of a game they've been playing for decades.

如果你是替罪羊，是家庭中被认定的问题人物，那么边界被侵犯的感觉会完全不同，因为这会印证你从小被灌输的旧故事：你的需求不重要，你才是问题所在，其他人的舒适比你的更重要。

If you were the scapegoat, the identified problem in the family, boundary violations hit different because they confirm that old story you were told growing up that your needs don't matter, that you're the problem, that everyone else's comfort is more important than yours.

你的神经系统不仅在回应当前的侵犯，更是在回应一生中被隐性或显性地告知：你不配拥有界限。

Your nervous system isn't just responding to the current violation, it's responding to a lifetime of being told implicitly or explicitly that you don't get to have limits.

如果你被过度责任化，从小就必须照顾他人的情绪需求，而自己的需求却被忽视，那么当你的边界被侵犯时，可能会触发那种旧有的感觉：你必须为所有人负责，哪怕牺牲自己。

If you were parentified, if you had to take care of everyone else's emotional needs while your own got ignored, having your boundaries violated might trigger that old feeling of being responsible for everyone else at the expense of yourself.

你甚至可能因为拥有边界而感到内疚，觉得自己自私、刻薄，或者不是一个好女儿、好儿子、好兄弟姐妹。

You might even feel guilty for having boundaries in the first place, like you're being selfish or mean or not being a good daughter or son or sibling.

以下是内德拉说的，我认为非常重要。

Here's what Nedra says that I think is so important.

当你的家人抵制你的边界时，这并不能说明你的边界是否合理。

When your family resists your boundaries, that's not information about whether your boundaries are valid.

这只能说明家庭系统多么依赖你从未拥有过边界。

That's information about how much the family system relied on you not having any.

他们对你设定界限感到不适，并不意味着你必须改变自己的界限。

Their discomfort with your boundaries doesn't mean that you have to change your boundaries.

这意味着他们需要适应一个新的现实：你不再愿意扮演过去被分配的角色。

It means they need to adjust to the new reality that you're no longer available to play the role you were assigned.

你的神经系统知道这一点。

And your nervous system knows this.

它知道，在家庭中设定界限不仅仅是一次对话或这一个界限的问题。

It knows that setting boundaries in your family isn't just about one conversation or this one limit.

这关乎于从根本上改变你一生中在家庭中所扮演的角色。

It's about fundamentally shifting the role you've played in your family for your entire life.

正在激活。

Activating.

这就是为什么你的身体会有如此强烈的反应。

That's why your body responds so strongly.

因为真正的代价其实非常高。

Because the stakes are actually really, really high.

你不仅仅是在说别评论我的身材，或者请别再总是取笑我。

You're not just saying don't comment on my body, or please stop poking fun at me all the time.

你是在说，我不再是你一直期待的那个人了。

You're saying I'm not the person you've always expected me to be.

我不再能扮演那个角色了。

I'm not available for that role anymore.

这对一个以你扮演那个角色为中心的家庭系统来说，是极大的威胁。

And that's deeply threatening to a family system that's organized around you playing that role.

好吧，接下来我要说一些可能改变你对整个事情看法的话。

Okay, so here's where I need to say something that might shift how you're thinking about this whole thing.

界限的设立是为了保护你，而不是控制他人。

Boundaries are designed to protect you, not control other people.

如果你的界限需要别人改变行为才能生效，那它实际上不是界限，而是一个请求。

If your boundary requires someone else to change their behavior in order for it to work, it's actually not a boundary, it's a request.

而请求是可以被拒绝的。

And requests can be denied.

我再重复一遍，因为这真的很重要。

I'm going to say it again, because this is really important.

界限不是关于你希望别人做什么。

A boundary isn't about what you need someone else to do.

而是关于你会怎么做来照顾自己。

It's about what you will do to take care of yourself.

所以当你 saying 不要评论我的身体，那是一个请求，一个非常合理且正当的请求，但它仍然是一个请求，因为它的有效性完全取决于对方是否配合。

So when you say, don't comment on my body, that's a request, a really, really reasonable and valid request, But it's still a request because its effectiveness depends entirely on whether the other person complies.

而正如你已经经历过的，他们可能不会配合。

And as you've already experienced, they might not comply.

一个界限更像是：如果你评论我的身体，我会结束这次对话。

A boundary sounds more like if you comment on my body, I will end this conversation.

或者，如果你不停止取笑我，我就离开房间。

Or if you don't stop poking fun at me, I'm going to leave the room.

或者，如果你继续批评我说的每一件事，我就不会参加未来的家庭聚会。

Or if you continue to criticize everything that I say, I won't be attending future family gatherings.

力量在于你的行动，而不在于对方是否配合。

The power is in your action, not their compliance.

我知道你可能在想，莎拉，这听起来很严厉，有点极端。

And I know what you might be thinking, Sarah, that feels harsh, feels a little extreme.

我不希望每次有人越界都要离开。

I don't want to have to leave every time someone crosses a line.

我理解。

And I get it.

但这里的关键是，如果这样做让你觉得难以持续，你不必每次都严格执行这个界限。

And here's the thing, you don't have to enforce that boundary every single time if that doesn't feel sustainable.

但你需要清楚自己愿意并能够做些什么来保护自己。

But what you do need is clarity about what you're willing and able to do to protect yourself.

因为当我们设立的界限只是请求时，一旦别人不尊重，我们就会感到无力和被侵犯。

Because here's what happens when we set boundaries that are really just requests, we end up feeling powerless and violated when people don't respect them.

我们一遍遍说着这些话，但什么都没有改变。

We keep saying the words but nothing ever changes.

然后我们会发脾气，因为我们的神经系统在尖叫：我们不安全，我们所做的一切都无效。

And then we lose our temper because our nervous system is screaming, we're not safe and nothing we're doing is working.

而且现有的研究也支持我们的观点。

And the research out there, it backs us up.

关于边界设定的研究表明，当一个人的边界包含一个他们能掌控的具体后果时，他们会经历更少的痛苦，并获得更好的关系结果。

Studies on boundary settings show that people experience less distress and better relational outcomes when their boundary includes a specific consequence they can control.

这并不是关于惩罚。

It's not about being punitive.

而是关于清楚地知道自己需要什么才能感到安全，以及愿意做什么来创造这种安全。

It's about being clear with yourself about what you need to feel safe and what you're willing to do to create that safety.

现在，这就是为什么在家庭系统中这尤其困难。

Now, here's why this is so hard on family systems specifically.

家庭系统，尤其是那些原本就边界不清的系统，通常遵循家庭系统理论所说的‘纠缠’模式。

Family systems, especially ones with poor boundaries to begin with often operate on what family system theory calls enmeshment.

人们期望所有人的需求都融合在一起，总是相互迁就，而个人边界则被视为自私、刻薄，或是对家庭整体的背叛。

There's an expectation that everyone's needs are merged, that we always accommodate each other, that individual boundaries are selfish or mean or a betrayal of the family unit.

在紧密型家庭系统中，将个人福祉置于家庭和谐之上的想法被视为一种根本性的违背。

In a mesh family systems, the idea you would prioritize your own well-being over family harmony is seen as a fundamental violation.

你本该只是忍着。

You're supposed to just deal with it.

你本该做个识大体的人。

You're supposed to be the bigger person.

你本该明白，他们一向就是这样。

You're supposed to understand that that's just how they always are.

如果你在这样的系统中长大，设立真正保护自己的界限会感觉不可能，因为你一生都被灌输：你的舒适感不如别人的更重要。

And if you grew up in that system, setting boundaries that actually protect you can feel impossible because you've been conditioned your entire life to believe that your comfort matters less than everyone else's.

维持和平比保护自己的安全更重要。

That keeping the peace is more important than keeping yourself safe.

发展结构式家庭治疗的旧派治疗师谈到，紧密型家庭缺乏清晰的界限。

Old school therapists who develop structural family therapy talk about how enmeshed families have poor differentiation.

这意味着一个人的界限在哪里结束、另一个人的界限从哪里开始，变得非常模糊。

What that means is where one person ends and another begins is really blurry.

所以当你设立界限时，家庭系统会感觉你是在与自己割裂，是在拒绝他们，是在说你不再爱他们了。

So when you set a boundary, it feels to the family system, like you're cutting yourself off, like you're rejecting them, like you're saying you don't love them anymore.

但分化不是拒绝，而是健康。

But differentiation isn't rejection, it's health.

这意味着我可以爱你，同时也有界限。

It's saying I can love you and have limits.

我可以是这个家庭的一员，同时保护我的神经系统。

I can be part of this family and protect my nervous system.

我可以出现，也可以在我需要时离开。

I can show up and leave when I need to.

你可能正在经历的这种抗拒，并不是因为你的界限错了。

The resistance to this that you might be experiencing isn't because your boundaries are wrong.

而是因为这个家庭系统根本无法容纳这些界限。

It's because the family system wasn't built to accommodate them.

我刚才给了你很多信息。

I gave you a lot there.

让我们谈谈你如何真正为圣诞节做准备——不是通过更努力地保持冷静，不是通过保护你的边界话术，虽然我很喜欢在笔记里有一套完整的应对脚本，也不是通过变得更治愈、更灵性或更成熟。

Let's talk about how you actually prepare for Christmas, not by trying harder to keep your cool, not by protecting your boundary script, although I do love a solid script in the notes section, not by being more healed or more spiritual or more evolved.

你真正的准备方式，是明确自己愿意为保护自己做些什么。

You prepare by getting clear about what you're actually willing to do to protect yourself.

并且理解，家人的抗拒源于系统，而不是你本人。

And by understanding that your family's resistance is about the system, not about you.

首先，在圣诞节到来之前，先清楚地知道自己真正的界限是什么——不是你希望别人会怎么做，而是你愿意做什么。

First, before Christmas even happens, get clear with yourself about what your actual boundaries are, not what you wish people would do, but what you are willing to do.

所以，坐下来，好好想一想。

So sit down and think it through.

也许可以打开你的笔记应用。

Maybe get your notes app out.

哪些话题或行为最让我感到激动或不安？

What are the topics or behaviors that feel most activating to me?

如果这些事情真的发生了，我真正愿意采取什么行动？

And if those things happen, what am I actually willing to do about it?

也许你的界限是，如果有人评论我的身材，我会转移一次话题。

Maybe your boundary is if someone comments on my body, I'll change the subject once.

如果他们再这么做，我就离开对话。

If they do it again, I'm leaving the conversation.

如果这种情况持续发生，我就离开聚会。

If it keeps happening, I'm leaving the gathering.

也许你的界限是，我会待两个小时，仅此而已。

Maybe your boundary is I'll stay for two hours and that's it.

两小时后，无论发生什么，我都会走。

After two hours, I'm out regardless of what's happening.

也许你的界限是，如果这个人要去，那我就不去了。

And maybe your boundary is if this particular person is going to be there, I'm not going at all.

把这些写下来。

Write these down.

这是备忘录应用的另一个绝佳用途，要具体明确。

Another perfect use of your notes app, get specific.

因为当你的神经系统被激活时，你就无法清晰地思考。

Because when your nervous system is activated, you won't be able to think clearly.

你已经体验过这种情况了，比如感恩节的时候。

You've already experienced this like CC Thanksgiving.

你需要提前明确自己的界限是什么，以及为维护它愿意采取什么行动。

You need to know ahead of time what your boundary actually is when what you're willing to do to enforce it.

其次，如果安全且可行，考虑在圣诞节前与对方进行一次对话，不是为了说服他们、解释自己或捍卫你的界限，而是为了明确会发生什么。

Second, if it's safe and possible, consider having a conversation with the person before Christmas, not to convince them or explain yourself or defend your boundaries, but to be clear about what will happen.

这可能听起来像：‘嘿，感恩节时，你一直拿我开玩笑，气氛变得很紧张。’

This might sound like, Hey, at Thanksgiving, things got really heated when you kept poking fun at me.

圣诞节时，如果我发现同样的事情再次发生，我不得不离开对话。

At Christmas, if I noticed the same thing is happening, I'm going to have to step away from the conversation.

我想提前让你知道，这样就不会让你感到意外。

I wanted you to know that ahead of time, so it's not a surprise.

或者你需要知道，如果你在圣诞节评论我的育儿方式，我会离开。

Or I need you to know that if you comment on my parenting at Christmas, I'm going to be leaving.

我对争论这个或解释原因不感兴趣。

I'm not interested in debating about this or explaining why.

我只是想清楚地说明我会怎么做。

I just want to be clear about what I'll do.

注意这一点。

Notice this.

你不是在寻求许可。

You're not asking for permission.

你不是在试图让他们同意你的界限是合理的。

You're not trying to get them to agree that your boundary is reasonable.

你只是在告知他们你会怎么做。

You're just informing them of what you will do.

你的界限是关于你的行为，而不是他们的。

The boundaries about your behavior, not theirs.

当然，这只有在对方足够安全、可以进行对话时才有效。

Now, of course, this only works if the person is safe enough to have a conversation with.

如果提前进行这场对话会加剧矛盾或让你陷入任何风险，请跳过它。

If having this conversation ahead of time would escalate things or put you at risk in any way, skip it.

即使不提前宣布，你的界限依然可以存在。

Your boundary can still exist without announcing it ahead of time.

第三，我怎么强调都不为过：降低你的期望，降到最低点。

Third, and I can't really stress this enough, lower your expectations, like bar on the ground.

我知道这听起来很严厉，但我完全是出于深深的同情。

I know that sounds harsh, but I mean it with so much compassion.

如果这位家庭成员在感恩节时违反了你的界限，他们很可能在圣诞节时也会重蹈覆辙。

If this family member violated your boundaries at Thanksgiving, they're probably going to do it again at Christmas.

期待不同的行为，无异于让自己陷入失望，并给你的神经系统错误的希望，以为这次会感觉安全。

Expecting different behavior is sort of like setting yourself up for disappointment and giving your nervous system false hope that this time it will feel safe.

老实说，很可能不会。

Honestly, it likely won't.

这绝对不是你的错。

And that is absolutely not your fault.

这反映的是他们的情况，而不是你。

That's information about them, not you.

记住，人们会向你展示他们是谁，相信他们。

Remember, people show you who they are, believe them.

如果有人一再向你表明他们不尊重你的界限，这就是信息，好好利用它。

If someone has shown you repeatedly that they don't respect your boundaries, that's data, use it.

所以，去之前就要做好心理准备，界限被侵犯很可能会发生。

So go in knowing that boundary violations are probably going to happen.

当你有所预期时，你的神经系统就不会那么震惊。

When you expect it, your nervous system isn't as shocked by it.

你不会在实际的界限被侵犯之上，再叠加一层‘我真不敢相信他们又这么做了’。

You're not adding that extra layer of I can't believe they did that again on top of the actual boundary violation.

第四，制定一个退出策略。

Fourth, have an exit strategy.

我说的不只是知道车钥匙在哪。

And I don't just mean knowing where your car keys are.

我是说，要有一个切实可行的计划，以应对你不得不离开或需要空间的时候，而不是等事情发生后再考虑。

I mean having a real concrete plan for when not if you need to leave or take some space.

在你到达之前，先告诉一个你信任的、让你感到安全的人。

Tell someone you trust, someone that feels safe enough before you even get there.

比如，嘿，如果你看到我开始情绪升级，我可能需要暂时离开一下。

Like, hey, if you see me starting to escalate, I might need to step out.

如果我突然消失一会儿，你能帮我打个圆场吗？

Can you cover for me if I disappear for a bit?

找一个你可以去的房间，提前熟悉洗手间的位置，知道你的逃生密码，给自己许可：可以提前离开、不吃甜点、说自己不舒服。

Identify a room where you can go to scope out where the bathroom is, know where your code is, give yourself permission to leave early, to skip dessert, to say you're not feeling well.

也许你只待两个小时，而不是六个小时。

Maybe you only stay for two hours instead of six.

也许你选择在餐厅见他们，而不是去别人家里，这样你能更好地掌控离开的时间。

Maybe you meet them at a restaurant instead of someone's house so you have more control over when you leave.

也许你单独开车，这样就不必依赖别人的行程安排。

Maybe you drive separately so you're not dependent on anyone else's timeline.

知道有逃生路线会让你感觉更安全。

You'll feel safer knowing there's an escape route.

这就像内置了一个消防出口。

It's sort of like having a fire exit that's built in.

你可能不需要用到它，但知道它在那里能帮助你保持稍微平静一些。

You might not need to use it, but knowing it's there can help you stay a little bit calmer.

第五，在你真正需要之前，提前安排一些调节休息。

And fifth, build in regulation breaks before you even need them.

这一点非常重要。

This is huge.

不要等到你已经情绪失控了才行动。

Don't wait until you're already escalated.

也许每半小时、四十五分钟到一小时，就给自己一次重启的机会。

Maybe every half hour, forty five minutes to an hour, give yourself a reset.

去洗手间，用冷水冲一冲手腕。

Go to the bathroom and do some cold water on your wrists.

走出去，深呼吸五次，坐在车里几分钟，听一首让你平静的歌。

Step outside, take five deep breaths, sit in your car for a few minutes and listen to a song that grounds you.

给一个能理解你的朋友发条消息。

Text a friend who gets it.

如果你过去做过EMDR，并且有一个让你平静的地方，可以用一些双侧刺激来激活它。

If you've done EMDR in the past and you have a calm place, tap that in with some bilateral tapping.

这些小小的自我关怀时刻，能帮助你保持在耐受窗口之内。

These little moments of self care, they support you to stay within your window of tolerance.

它们让你的神经系统有机会释放一些累积的激活，避免它变得过于强烈而让你彻底失控。

They give your nervous system a chance to discharge some of that building activation before it becomes so overwhelming and sends you through the roof.

第六，明确界定你愿意参与什么，以及不愿意参与什么。

Six, get really clear on what you're willing to engage with and what you're not.

你不必回应每一条评论。

You don't have to respond to every comment.

你不必为自己的选择辩护。

You don't have to defend your choices.

你不需要向任何人证明任何事。

You don't have to convince anyone of anything.

有时候，最有力的界限就是沉默，或者保持中立，然后转移话题，或者直接走开。

Sometimes the most powerful boundary is silence or really neutral like and then changing the subject or just walking away.

你可以把精力节省下来，用在真正重要的事情上。

You get to conserve your energy for the things that actually matter.

我真希望有人早点告诉我，或者支持我真正地消化理解这一点。

And this is something that I wish someone had told me or supported me to really like metabolize a lot earlier.

你并不因为是节假日就欠任何人接触你的权利。

You don't owe anyone access to you just because it's the holidays.

你不必去。

You don't have to go.

你不必留下，如果维持虚假的家庭团聚让你失去内心的平静，你也不必表演。

You don't have to stay, you don't have to perform happy family togetherness if it's costing you your own peace.

有时候，最激进的自我关怀就是说：我目前无法参与这件事，我要待在家里，或者自己去看场电影，或者和选择的家人一起过圣诞节，而不是和血缘家人。

Sometimes the most radical act of self care is saying I'm not available for this and I'm staying home, or by going to a movie by yourself or by spending Christmas with chosen family instead of biological family.

因为界限不仅仅关乎你当下说的话，更关乎你提前做出的关于自己愿意参与哪些事的选择。

Because boundaries aren't just about what you say in the moment, they're about the choices you make ahead of time about what you're available for.

你有权决定自己是否出现。

You get to decide if you're even showing up.

这也是一种界限。

That's a boundary too.

好的。

Okay.

最后，让我们谈谈如果你再次发脾气会发生什么，因为从统计上看，你很可能还会这样。

So lastly, let's talk about what happens if you lose your temper again, because statistically speaking, there's a good chance that you might.

我也希望你为此做好准备。

And I want you to have a plan for that too.

如果你情绪失控、大喊大叫、哭泣，或说了后悔的话，首先，确保自己安全。

If you escalate, if you yell, if you cry, if you say something you wish you hadn't, first, get yourself safe.

离开房间，到外面去，走到车里，把自己从情境中抽离出来，让你的神经系统逐渐平静下来。

Leave the room, go outside, get to your car, remove yourself from the situation so your nervous system can start to come back down.

然后这一点很重要。

And then this is important.

在当下做一些事情来支持自己。

Do something to support yourself in the moment.

如果你需要，就允许自己哭泣。

Allow yourself to cry if you need to.

你的身体现在充满了压力荷尔蒙，它需要一种方式来释放这些能量。

Your body is full of stress hormones right now, and it needs a way to move that energy through.

当你稍微平静一些后，你可以决定是否要修复关系。

Once you're a little bit calmer, you can decide if you want to repair or not.

但这里要注意的是，修复并不总是意味着道歉。

And here's the thing, repair doesn't always mean apologizing.

有时候，修复表现为：我提高了音量，因为我的界限被多次侵犯，而且我感到没人倾听。

Sometimes repair looks like I raised my voice because my boundary was violated multiple times and I felt unheard.

我现在需要一些空间。

I'm going to need to take some space now.

你可以承认自己的行为，而不必为整个情况承担责任。

You can acknowledge your behavior without taking responsibility for the entire situation.

你可以说，我希望我当时处理得不一样，而不必说，对不起我设定了界限。

You can say, I wish I'd handled that differently without saying, I'm sorry for having my boundaries.

如果那个触发你反应的人试图把焦点全放在你的反应上，而不是他们的行为上，你不必真的去回应。

And if the person whose boundary violations triggered your response tries to make it all about your reaction instead of their behavior, you don't have to actually engage with that.

你可以说，当我们讨论为什么我的界限被无视了四次时，我们再谈我的语气，就这样为止。

You can say something like, we can talk about my tone when we talk about why my boundary was ignored four times and just leave it there.

总之，我想让你听到的是。

At the end of the day, here's what I want you to hear.

发脾气，并不会抹去你所做的一切努力。

Losing your temper, it doesn't erase all the work that you've done.

这并不意味着你没有在康复。

It doesn't mean that you're not healing.

这并不意味着你在倒退、失败或做错了什么。

It doesn't mean that you're regressing or failing or doing it wrong.

这说明你的神经系统正按照其设计的方式正常运作。

It means that your nervous system is working exactly as it was designed to.

这说明你有界限，当这些界限一再被跨越时，你的身体就会做出反应。

It means that you have limits and when those limits are repeatedly crossed, your body responds.

因为目标并不是成为从不生气或从不失控的人。

Because the goal isn't to become someone who never gets angry or never loses their cool.

目标是理解你身体里正在发生什么，对你的神经系统反应保持同情，并制定符合你真实能力的策略，而不是迎合你想象中自己应该成为的理想形象。

The goal is to understand what's happening in your body, to have compassion for your nervous system's responses, and to set yourself up with strategies that honor your actual capacity instead of some idealized version of who you think you should be.

所以，别试图通过变成一个更‘高级’的自己来为圣诞节做准备。

So don't try to prepare for Christmas by becoming some more evolved version of yourself.

真正的准备是保持现实，制定计划，清楚自己真正愿意做什么来保护自己，并明白无论发生什么，你的价值都不取决于你在家庭聚会中表现得有多冷静。

Prepare by being realistic, having a plan, knowing what you're actually willing to do to protect yourself, and understanding that whatever happens your worth isn't determined by how well you keep it together at a family gathering.

如果这引起了你的共鸣，我有一个免费的神经失调急救工具包，会教你如何实时进行神经系统调节，包括一些你可以在餐桌上悄悄使用的技巧。

If this resonates with you, I've got a free dysregulation SOS toolkit that walks you through nervous system regulation techniques that you can use in real time, including some that you can like covertly do at the dinner table.

我会在节目笔记中提供这个工具包的链接。

I'm going to link to it in the show notes.

最后，对于提出这个问题的人，我为你们一开始就设立界限感到骄傲。

And finally, to whoever asked this question, I'm proud of you for having boundaries in the first place.

有时候，这正是最难的部分。

That's sometimes the hardest part.

剩下的就是学会与自己的身体合作，并明确你真正愿意做些什么来照顾自己。

The rest is just learning to work with your body and getting clear about what you're actually willing to do to take care of yourself.

好了，各位，希望这些内容能帮助你们在即将到来的节日家庭聚会中做好准备。

Okay, everyone, I hope that this helped as you're preparing to head into more family gatherings this holiday season.

如果你有想在播客中得到解答的问题，请再次访问网站，网址是 www.yourcomplextrauma.com/contact，在那里你可以录制问题，只有在你同意的情况下我们才会播放。

If you have a question that you'd like answered on the podcast, be sure to head to the website again, it's www.yourcomplextrauma.combackslash contact, where you can record a question will only play it if you consent for us to do so.

这是一种非常棒的方式，可以提出那些其他听众在聆听和接触创伤疗愈内容时，心里也在默默思考的问题。

It's a really nice way to ask questions that we know that other people are asking in their heads as they're listening and consuming content around healing from trauma.

好了，我们下周再见，带来新的节目，在此之前，请好好照顾自己。

Okay, so we'll be back next week for a new episode until then take good care.

感谢收听《复杂创伤播客》。

Thanks for listening to the Complex Trauma Podcast.

如果这一集对你有帮助，你能做的最好的事情就是把它分享给需要听到它的人。

If this episode helped, the best thing you can do is share it with someone who needs to hear it.

如果你有几分钟时间，留下一个评价真的能帮助其他人找到这个播客。

And if you have a minute, leaving a review really does help other people find the podcast.

你可以在Instagram上关注Sarah Herstich LCSW，获取更多播客之间的内容。

You can follow along on Instagram at Sarah Herstich LCSW for more in between episodes.

如果你正在寻找EMDR或创伤治疗师，并希望在宾夕法尼亚州的Reclaim Therapy与我们合作，可以访问www.reclaimtherapy.org。

If you're looking for an EMDR or trauma therapist and want to work with us at Reclaim Therapy in Pennsylvania, you can find us at www.reclaimtherapy.org.

这里快速提醒一下，我是一名治疗师，但并不是你的治疗师。

And a quick reminder, I am a therapist, but I'm not your therapist.

本播客中的所有内容都不应替代实际的治疗或干预。

Nothing in this podcast is meant to replace actual therapy or treatment.

如果你正经历危机，或此刻感到极度不安全，请立即向他人求助。

If you're in crisis or things feel really unsafe right now, please reach out to someone.

你可以拨打911，或拨打/发送短信至988联系自杀与危机热线，也可以前往最近的急诊室。

You can call 911, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or head to your nearest ER.

非常感谢你的收听，我们下周再见。

Thanks so much for being here, and we'll see you next week.