第17集：婚姻、心理健康、自慰

天哪，好久不见了。

Damn, it's been a while.

过去几周我没发播客，因为我从英国搬到了美国。

I've not posted a podcast in the last few weeks because I've moved from The UK to The US.

这算是个借口吧，但我想解释一下我现在的状态。

I guess this is a bit of an excuse, but I'm trying to explain my headspace.

我一直全神贯注于新办公室、新家、生意以及其他所有事情。

I've been hyper focused on the new office, my new home, the business and everything else in between.

我有着极其强烈的专注力，简直到了盲目的地步。

I've had this immense, immense tunnel vision.

不过，自从我离开英国那一刻起，我一直在日记本上写写画画，而本周日记的第一篇实际上来自从英国飞往美国的飞机上。

However, I've still been scribbling in my diary since the second I left The UK and the first point of my diary this week actually comes from the plane journey from The UK to The US.

今天的播客标志着《CEO日记》的回归，也标志着这本日记的美国篇章的开始，同时也是我人生的新篇章。

Today's podcast marks the return of the diary of a CEO and the start of The United States chapter of this diary, but also of my life.

对于第一次收听、不太了解这个节目的人来说，我今年25岁，是一家全球营销、媒体和商务公司的CEO，公司在全球五个办事处雇佣了成百上千的员工。

For anyone tuning in for the first time that doesn't really know what they're listening to, I'm 25 years old, I'm the CEO of a global marketing media and commerce business that employs hundreds and hundreds of people across the world in five different offices.

这个生意是我从一个辍学的穷学生，在卧室里起步的。

The business started in my bedroom as a broke student dropout.

我刚搬到美国，想在这里帮助业务增长，这是一个巨大且充满挑战的新市场，而这个播客是大多数CEO都不会分享的。

I've just moved to The United States to help grow the business here in this new massive challenging market and this podcast that most CEOs wouldn't share.

这个播客是我倾倒各种随机、深沉、阴暗和冷漠想法的方式，通过这样做，在一个充满虚假的世界里如此坦诚，这不仅让我感觉像是一种治疗，而且我觉得你与我说的某些内容产生共鸣的机会也大大增加了。

This podcast is my way of offloading random, deep, dark and indifferent thoughts and in doing so, in being so honest in a world of fakery, not only does this feel like therapy to me, but I guess the chance of you resonating with something I say is drastically increased.

我通常是在凌晨三点，在英国公寓楼梯下的储物间里录制这些播客。

I usually record these podcasts at 3AM from a cupboard under the stairs in my apartment in The UK.

但今天的环境有点不同。

But today the environment is slightly different.

我现在在好莱坞，靠近好莱坞山的一间套房里。

I'm in a suite in Hollywood near the Hollywood Hills.

我来这里出差一周，现在是凌晨两点。

I'm out here on business for a week and it's 2AM in the morning.

好了，废话不多说，我已经迫不及待要重新开始了。

Anyway, without further ado, I can't wait to get back into this.

我是斯蒂芬·巴特利特。

I'm Stephen Bartlett.

这里是《CEO的日记》。

This is the diary of a CEO.

我希望没人听，但如果你在听，请保密。

I hope nobody is listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself.

好，这周日记的第一件事发生在从曼彻斯特飞往纽约的航班上。

Okay, so the first point in my diary this week occurred on the flight from Manchester to New York.

让我描述一下当时的情景。

Let me set the scene.

我走上飞机，进入商务舱，放好行李，坐下，空姐走过来，递给我一杯香槟。

I walk on the plane, I go into the business class section, I stow my bags, I sit down, the lady comes over, the flight attendant, she offers me a glass of champagne.

我说好，然后拿到菜单，我迅速拿出笔记本电脑，想在起飞前处理一些工作。

I said, yes, I get the menu, I quickly pull out my laptop and I try and get some work done before the flight takes off.

我知道我大概有二十分钟时间。

I know I've got about twenty minutes.

就在我忙的时候，左边传来一阵声音和那种活力，我转头一看，是一对中年夫妇，脸上挂着大大的笑容，比你这辈子见过的任何笑容都要灿烂。就算现在回想起来，他们当时有多兴奋，我都有点起鸡皮疙瘩，因为那真的挺不寻常的。

And as I'm doing this, I'm distracted by this sound and this energy over to my left and I look over and there's this middle aged couple with the biggest smile on their faces, a bigger smile than you've ever seen in your life, even recounting in my head how excited they were almost gives me goosebumps because it was quite unusual.

我搞不懂他们为什么那么高兴。

And I couldn't figure out why they were so euphoric.

所以我坐下来，心想，我就听听他们在聊什么吧。

So I sat down and I just thought, I'll just listen into their conversations.

飞机起飞，升空，开始飞行的时候，我意识到这是他们第一次坐商务舱，也是他们第一次去纽约。

And as the flight takes off and we go in the air and we start going, I realized that this is the first time they've ever flown business class, but it's also the first time they've ever been to New York.

他们就是特别开心，特别兴奋，我也为他们感到高兴。

And they are just so happy and so excited and I'm so happy for them.

我脸上真的露出了笑容。

I literally put a smile on my face.

不过，我越想越觉得，我也有点嫉妒。

However, the more I sort of started to reflect on it, I thought I'm also a little bit jealous.

我第一次飞纽约的时候，也是这样的。

The first time I flew to New York, I did.

说实话，我第一次能坐商务舱的时候，也感觉特别兴奋。

The first time I was able to fly business class, I felt pretty euphoric to be to be completely honest.

但不知怎么的，因为我每个月都去纽约，每个月都坐商务舱，现在我对这对夫妇那种兴奋和狂喜的感觉已经麻木了。

But for some reason, because I go to New York every month and I fly business class every month, I now I'm numb to the excitement and the feelings of euphoria that this couple to my left had.

于是我开始多读了一些相关的资料。

So I started to read a little bit more about it.

实际上，我最喜欢的一本书正好回答了这个问题。

And one of my favorite books actually answers the question.

我打开谷歌，想再研究一下为什么人类会有这种现象。

I pulled up Google and I just wanted to study once again why this happens in humans.

这就是所谓的“享乐适应”这个概念，我之前在播客里也提到过一次。

And it's this whole idea of hedonistic adaptation, which I've spoken about once before in this podcast.

播客。

Podcast.

我左边这对夫妇的兴奋劲儿，就跟18岁的史蒂夫·巴特利特当年一模一样。

The people on my left, this couple on my left had the same euphoric excitement that 18 year old Steve Bartlett would have had.

但是因为这些经历对我来说已经成了常态，所以我对它们不再有同样的感觉了。

But because these experiences have become the normal to me, I don't feel the same way about them.

我觉得这挺可悲的。

I think that's quite sad.

你知道，当好事发生时，我们会感受到那些原始而积极的情绪，比如兴奋、如释重负、自豪，当然还有快乐。

You know, when good things happen, we feel these raw positive emotions like excitement and relief and pride and of course happiness.

但问题是，快乐不会持久。

But the problem is happiness just doesn't last.

买第一辆车时的兴奋感会消退，升职带来的激动也会被随之而来的责任压力所取代。

Excitement of that first car purchase wears off, the thrill of the promotion gives way to the anxiety of handling responsibilities that come with it.

我想知道，这也是我一直在琢磨的，就是怎样才能让那种快乐、那些幸福感不会逐渐消失。

I want to know, and I guess this is what I was trying to figure out was how do I stop that pleasure, those feelings of happiness from dwindling.

于是我开始读了一些书，发现有个概念叫“满足跑步机”，意思是当我们体验到一种新的幸福、成就或成功水平时，一旦达到，我们就会不断把标准往上提，于是我们总是追着这个更高的标准跑，而这个标准越来越难达到。

And so I started to do a little bit of reading and there's this thing called the satisfaction treadmill, which means that when we experience a new level of sort of happiness or accomplishment or achievement, we continually shift our standard upwards once we've reached it and we're constantly therefore running after this new higher standard, which is harder and harder to attain.

基本上有两种方法可以让你摆脱这个“满足跑步机”，对吧？

And there are basically two ways to stop yourself from the satisfaction treadmill, right?

第一种方法是增加多样性。

Way number one is variety.

大家都知道，多样性是生活的调味品，但它也是对抗适应性的强大武器，因为当我们的体验感觉新鲜和出乎意料时，我们就不会对积极的事情习以为常。

As we all know, variety is the spice of life as they say, but it's also an incredible weapon against adaptation because we don't get used to positive events when our experiences feel fresh and unexpected.

当积极的体验重复出现，当你完全知道会发生什么时，你就不会从中得到同样的兴奋感。

When a positive experience is repetitive, when you know exactly what to expect, you don't get the same kick out of it.

所以，为了增加生活中美好事物的多样性和意外性，我打算从现在开始，订机票时都订经济舱，然后到机场柜台试试能不能升舱。

And so one of the things that I am going to do to sort of increase the variety and the unexpected element of the good things in my life is when it comes to booking my flights from now on, I'm going to book economy on all of my flights and I'm going to try and upgrade at the counter.

反正我平时也是这么操作的。

That's what I usually figure out a way of doing anyway.

但这样一来，只有一半的航班能坐商务舱。

But this means that only 50% of my flights will be business class.

这样机票也会非常便宜，但只有一半的航班是商务舱。

They'll be incredibly cheap as well, but only 50% of them will be business class.

而且不到机场，我都不知道能不能升舱。

And I don't know when until I get there.

我觉得这会帮助我更好地珍惜和享受当下。

And I think that will be one of the things that will help me appreciate and savor the moment more.

接下来要介绍的生活工具，是为了避免你陷入这种满足感的循环，那就是感恩。

The next tool to employ in your life to make sure you don't get, you don't fall victim to this satisfaction treadmill is appreciation.

感恩在很多方面恰恰是适应的反面。

Appreciation in many ways is the exact opposite of adaptation.

感恩是一种主动的努力，对吧？

Appreciation is an active effort, right?

它需要你特意去关注某件事，而不是视而不见或者让它慢慢淡出你的视线。

It's going out of your way to focus on something rather than taking it for granted or letting it fade into the background.

这种感恩会带来一种感激之情，让你觉得自己现在的生活很幸运，无论是跟别人比，还是跟过去的自己比。

And this appreciation leads to a sense of gratitude, a sense of being fortunate for being in your current circumstances compared to others or compared to where you were in the past.

当我们感恩自己的积极经历，当我们把注意力转向自己时，我们不仅能让快乐持续更久，还能让快乐更上一层楼，变得更幸福。

And when we appreciate our positive experiences, when we turn our mind's eye towards ourselves, we don't just make our happiness last longer, we kick it up a notch as well, we become happier.

人们花了很多时间想怎么让自己开心，却很少花时间想怎么让已有的快乐持续下去。

Human beings spend so much time trying to figure out how to make themselves happy, but not nearly enough time trying to figure out how to make happiness they already have last.

财富的关键，就像幸福的关键一样，不只是寻找新的机会或新的标准，还要充分利用我们已经拥有的。

The key to wealth like the key to happiness isn't just looking for new opportunities or new standards, but it's also making the most of the ones we've already been given.

这样我就能学会一直保持快乐的状态，就像飞机上坐在我旁边的那个快乐女人一样。

That's how I'll learn to be in a permanent state of happy woman sat next to me on the plane.

好了，我日记里的下一个点是关于人际关系的。

Okay, the next point in my diary is about relationships.

我有点顿悟了，虽然这可能只是借口，但我认为这很能解释为什么我今天非常非常非常几乎不可能。

I've had a bit of an epiphany, again this may just be an excuse but I think it makes a lot of sense to me about why I'm very, very, very, very almost impossible today.

那就是因为我不想成为你的优先事项。

And that is because I don't want to be your priority.

让我解释一下。

Let me explain.

有一种流行的观念是，当你和某人在一起时，你想感觉自己是他最重要的优先事项。

There's this kind of like popular notion that when you're with somebody, you want to be want to feel like their number one priority.

但我越想越觉得，这对我来说是错的。

But the more I thought about that, the more wrong that feels for me.

如果你要和我在一起，我希望自己是你的第二优先。

If you're going to be in a relationship with me, I want to be your second priority.

我希望你的第一优先是你自己，你的抱负，你的生活，你的未来，你。

I want your first priority to be you, your ambitions, your life, your future, you.

因为作为一个独立的人，我的第一优先也是我自己。

Because my first priority as an independent person is going to be me.

如果你依赖一个独立的人，你会挑战他们的独立感，这只会制造摩擦、争吵和冲突。

And if you're dependent on an independent person, you'll challenge their sense of independence, which only creates friction, arguments and conflict.

要记住，过度需要一个人不是源于爱，而是源于恐惧和不安全感，不健康的相互依赖会让你完全牺牲自己的身份感或自我价值，你会变得依赖一段关系，这真的是最没有吸引力的事情。

It's important to remember that needing a person too much doesn't come from love, it comes from fear and insecurity and being unhealthily codependent causes you to completely sacrifice your own sense of identity or self worth, and you can become reliant on a relationship, which is literally the single most unattractive thing.

所以，过去我不仅觉得那些比我更依赖我的伴侣挑战了我的独立感，而且我也觉得他们没那么有吸引力，因为他们变得更粘人了，对吧？

So not only in the past have I felt that partners I've had because they were more dependent on me than I was on them have challenged my sense of independence, but I've also found them less attractive because they've got more needy, right?

所以，建立自己的生活是至关重要的。

And so it's imperative that you build your own life.

如果你想和别人幸福地在一起，你必须先学会独自快乐。

If you want to be happy with someone, you have to be happy alone.

如果你一个人过得不开心，两个人在一起也不会开心。

You can't be happy together if you're not happy alone.

你得建立自己的生活，建立自己的社交圈。

You have to build your own life, you have to build your own social circle.

虽然听起来不太好听，但为了不让自己不快乐，有时候你得自私一点。

And although it sounds ugly for the sake of your unhappiness, sometimes you have to be selfish.

我觉得这是我在感情里一直很挣扎的部分原因，不是全部原因，但确实是部分原因。

I think this is part of the reason, not the full reason, but part of the reason why I've struggled so much in relationships.

我特别独立，所以任何依赖我的人，在心理上都会挑战我的独立感。

I'm horribly independent and so anybody that becomes dependent on me mentally challenges my sense of independence.

听着，我16岁就辍学去做自己的事了。

Listen, I stopped going to school to do my own thing when I was 16 years old.

我18岁从大学退学，去做自己想做的事。

I dropped out of university to do my own thing when I was 18.

我就是那种特别看重个人自由和独立的人。

I'm somebody that's obsessed with personal freedom and independence.

所以我觉得，我在事业和创业上能成功，有一部分原因，也正是我在感情上失败的原因。

And so I believe part of the reason why I've had business and entrepreneurial success is also part of the reason I failed in romantic relationships.

结论就是，也许我该找个创业者约会，找个跟我一样忙、一样独立的人，也许我想错了。

Conclusion being, maybe I need to find date an entrepreneur, some somebody as busy as I am, someone as independent, maybe I'm wrong.

好，日记里的第三点，我刚写下来：光靠想，事情是不会发生的。

Okay, point three in my diary, I've just written, you can't think things into existence.

通常我写这些日记笔记的时候，会在下面写几条小备注，提醒自己。

Usually when I write these diary notes, I write a couple of sub notes underneath it just to prompt me.

但这一点我特别有感触，根本不需要什么备注，我就想直接说几句。

But this is a point that I'm so passionate about that I don't really need any other notes, I'm just going to rant for a second.

现在全世界好像都有这么一种想法，觉得你想什么，它就会发生。

There's this huge sort of global idea that if you think about stuff, it happens.

大概三周前吧，我跟一个女生吵了一架，因为我想告诉她，你不能光靠想，事情就真的发生。

And a couple of, I'd say about three weeks ago, I got in an argument with a girl because I tried to tell her that you can't just think about things and then they happen.

她真的反驳我说，史蒂夫，这在我身上发生过，我想了这件事，然后它就发生了，所以我知道这是真的。

And she genuinely came back at me and said, Steve, it's happened in my life, I thought about this thing, then it happened, so I know it's true.

这就是事后偏见，明白吗？

That's hindsight bias, okay?

这就是事后偏见。

That's hindsight bias.

想想你曾经想过但没发生的事情。

Think about all the things you thought about that didn't happen.

你想不起来，因为它们没发生，所以对你来说不重要。

You can't because they didn't happen, so they're not important to you.

你只是在事后才关注那些串联起来的点，可以这么说。

You only in hindsight focus on the connected dots, let's say.

但话说回来，视觉化对我来说百分之百重要。

Here's the thing, visualization is a 100% important to me.

我把自己想象成什么样，我就会去视觉化那个样子。

I visualize everything that I think I've become.

我16岁时就想象过电影画面，脑子里有个画面，就是在纽约经营一家公司，俯瞰那些摩天大楼。

I visualized movie when I was 16 years old, I had this image in my head of running a business in New York City, looking out on the skyscrapers.

我现在25岁了。

I'm now 25 years old.

我们的办公室在曼哈顿中心，正对着帝国大厦，我在经营这家公司。

Our office is in the heart of Manhattan looking out onto the Empire State Building and I'm running the business.

当然，视觉化很重要，但它只是设定方向。

Of course, visualization matters, but visualization just sets the direction.

执行和努力才能带你到达那里。

Execution and hard work take you in it.

有一本书叫《秘密》，很多人都读过，讲的就是视觉化这个概念。

There's this book called The Secret, which a lot of people have read, which talks about this idea of visualization.

那本书的最终影响是，人们以为只要想想事情，早上起来说些肯定的话，事情就会发生。

And the net impact of that book is that people think if you just think stuff and you wake up in the morning and you say affirmations, things happen.

那完全是胡说八道。

That is bullshit.

那完全是胡说八道。

That is bullshit.

光想是没用的。

Nothing happens from thinking.

明白吗？

Okay?

想象定方向，执行带你到达。

Visualization sets the direction, execution takes you in it.

如果你不拼命努力，想象就一文不值。

Visualization is worth nothing if you don't work your ass off.

所以我的一生就是不断思考我想成为什么样的人、过什么样的生活。

So my whole life is a process of thinking about who and what I want to become.

然后第二天早上醒来，把所有的精力、努力、智慧，还有血汗和泪水，都投入到实现这个目标上。

And then waking up in the morning the next day and giving all of my energy and all of my hard work and all of my smarts and my blood, my sweat, my tears to making that happen.

然后我回头看，对自己说：史蒂夫，这正是你当初想象的样子。

And then I look back and I say to myself, Steve, that's exactly what you visualized.

然后你付出了努力，最终实现了它。

And then you did the work and you achieved it.

所以请不要只靠想象来达成目标。

So please don't rely on visualization to take you there.

想象本身不会让你有任何进展。

Visualization won't move you anywhere.

光靠想象只会白白浪费你的时间。

Visualization alone will waste your fucking time.

抱歉我说了脏话，我对此真的很有热情。

I'm sorry to swear, this is something that I'm very passionate about.

这真的让我很恼火。

It really annoys me.

执行、努力和想象结合起来才是无敌的组合。

Execution and hard work and visualization are a killer combination.

这就是你在自己生活中需要建立的组合。

And that's the combination that you need to create within your own life.

这也是我每天努力去创造的组合。

And that's the combination that I try and create every single day.

我现在正在想象的一件事，就跟你独家分享一下吧，就是我打算写一本书。

One of the things I'm visualizing at the moment, and I'll just share this with you as an exclusive is a book that I'm going to write.

我脑子里已经有了这个构思。

I've got the concept in my head.

我知道这本书的大致内容，我清楚它在世界上会有什么位置，以及它会对每个人的生活和我的生活产生什么影响。

I know the sort of synopsis of the book, I know exactly where this book fits in the world and what it will do for everybody's life in my own life.

光是想想这个我酝酿了很久的书的想法，我实际上已经改变了我生活的很多方面，我迫不及待要把它写出来。

And just by thinking about this book idea I've had for so long, I've actually changed much of my life and I can't wait to write it.

但光想是没用的。

But just thinking about it isn't going to do diddly squat.

所以，在我出色的团队帮助下，我回来后已经安排了跟一些全球最大的出版商的几次会面，我会拼命努力，让这本书成为现实。

So with the help of my amazing team, I've got three to five meetings with some of the world's biggest publishers when I'm back and I will work my ass off to make this book happen.

这将是我先想象，然后通过行动把它变成现实的东西。

This will be something that I visualized and then I executed into existence.

好了，我日记里的第四点，非常简单。

Okay, point number four in my diary is super, super simple.

我刚写下，可持续的生活方式是关键。

I've just written sustainable lifestyle is key.

我觉得我和很多其他创业者都犯了一个错误，就是制造了那种你应该拼命工作到死的观念。

One of the things that I think me and many other entrepreneurs are guilty of is creating this idea that you should just hustle your life away.

拼命、拼命、拼命、拼命，为了这个成就、目标、金钱、地位，或者建公司什么的，拼命工作，然后你就死了。

Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle, work hard for this achievement or goal or monetary or status or whatever it is, building a company, whatever it is, and then you die.

说实话，我年纪越大，越觉得这种想法多么不合逻辑，你不应该把生活都耗在拼命工作上。

That honestly, the older and older I've got, I've realized how illogical that way of thinking is, you shouldn't hustle your life away.

真正的成功是建立一个可持续的生活方式。

The real success is building a sustainable lifestyle.

而这一点，我其实还没有完全做到。

And that's something that I've really not fully been able to do yet.

我会一直拼命下去，对吧？

I will be hustling forever, right?

我会一直创业、一直创造东西，永远不停。

I'm going to be building businesses and creating things forever.

所以如果我现在不建立一个可持续的生活方式，我就会一直拼命工作到死。

So if I don't create a sustainable lifestyle now, I'm going to hustle till I die.

那这样又有什么意义呢？

And then what was the point, right?

我根本没有真正活过。

I didn't get to fully live.

我该怎么建立一个可持续的生活方式呢？

How do I create a sustainable lifestyle?

这意味着要有朋友。

This means friends.

要有伴侣。

It means romantic partners.

要有身心健康。

It means health of body and mind.

现在就要做慈善捐赠。

It means charitable giving now.

这意味着现在就要花时间陪伴家人。

It means spending time with my family now.

真正的成功不是建立伟大的事业，然后拼命工作到失去生活。

The real success isn't building a great business and hustling your life away.

真正的成功，正如我自己领悟到的，以及我那些创业的朋友们——我最好的朋友之一也是创业者，经营着一家公司——最近才领悟到的，是建立一种可持续的生活方式。

The real success as I've come to learn and as my friends who are entrepreneurs, one of my best friends is also an entrepreneur and runs a business has come to learn very recently is the real success is building a sustainable lifestyle.

这有点违背一般创业者那种典型的“工作、工作、工作、工作、工作、工作，还是工作”的信条。

This kind of goes against the general stereotypical entrepreneurial message of just work, work, work, work, work, work, but work.

我可以坦然承认，那不是正确的答案。

I'm cool to admit that that's not the right answer.

我观察到，在我个人的圈子里，随着我那些创业的朋友们年纪渐长，他们也意识到了这一点。

And I've just observed in my personal circle as my entrepreneurial friends have got older, they've realized that too.

我日记的第五点是“活在零状态”。

Point five of my diary is living at zero.

我一生都活在零状态，直到最近才意识到，这恰恰回答了我为什么一直这么快乐，以及为什么我在某些方面能取得成功——因为我内心深处真的相信，我什么都不是。

I've spent my whole life living at zero and I it was only this sort of realization of this that's kind of answered the question as to why and how I've been so happy and I guess in some respects successful at what I've done in my life because I genuinely believe at the very core of me that I am nothing.

我一无所有，我什么都不是，同时我又觉得自己微不足道。但另一方面，这听起来有点矛盾，我真心觉得自己很厉害，想做什么都能做成，想达成什么都能达成。

I have nothing, I am nothing and that I am insignificant At the same time, which is almost kind of contradictory to that, I genuinely believe I'm really good and I can do anything I want to do and that I can achieve anything.

所以这是一种奇怪的平衡，一方面真不觉得自己特别，另一方面又觉得自己什么都能做到，我觉得这挺矛盾的。

So it's this weird balance of really not thinking I'm special, but also thinking that I can achieve anything, which I guess is contradictory.

这也是为什么当别人对我说“你一定为自己感到骄傲”之类的话时，我会变得很麻木，因为我觉得骄傲这种想法会让我自满，或者让我觉得自己有什么可失去的。

This is part of the reason that I get so numb when people say things to me like you must be so proud of yourself because this idea of pride, I think I'm scared will make me complacent or make me feel that I've got something to lose.

作为人类，当我们觉得某样东西有被夺走的风险时，就会变得没有安全感、好斗、心生怨恨，不管是我们的财产、骄傲、自尊还是形象。但你无法从一个觉得自己没什么可失去的人那里夺走任何东西。

As human beings, we get insecure, combative and resentful when we believe something is at risk of being taken from us, whether it's our possessions, our pride, our ego or our image, but you can't take anything from someone that doesn't think they have anything to lose.

所以，活在零的状态更健康。

Thus it's healthier to live at zero.

我什么都没有，什么都不是，但我有我爱的人和和他们一起创造的回忆，没人能从我这里夺走这些。

I have and am nothing but my loved ones and the memories I've created with them and nobody can take that from me.

这种我处于零、活在零、没什么可失去的想法，也让我敢于去冒那些你所谓的风险。

And this idea that I'm at zero and then I live at zero and then I've not really got anything to lose has also allowed me to take what you would call risks.

但我不觉得那是风险，因为就像我一直对问过我的人说的那样，我不怕回到底层，我在底层也过得挺好。

But I don't see them as risks because I don't, as I've always said to anyone that's ever asked me, I'm not scared of going back to the bottom, I was cool at the bottom.

我一无所有的时候，住在莫斯赛德，我过得挺好的。

When I had nothing, was living in Moss Side, I was fine.

生活不一样了。

Life was different.

没有商务舱航班什么的，但有很多超级大巴。

There wasn't any business class flights or anything like that, but a lot of mega buses.

我很开心，我过得很好。

I was happy, I was fine.

而且，正如史蒂夫·乔布斯所说，认为自己有东西可失去，是阻碍你成为最充实、最成功的自己的唯一因素。

And the belief that you've got something to lose, as Steve Jobs said, is the one thing that will hold you back from ever becoming the most fulfilled successful version of yourself.

不在乎物质，不觉得自己有东西可失去，这让我成功了。

Not caring about possessions and not thinking I have something to lose has made me successful.

我真的非常希望，如果你能从今天的播客里带走一样东西，那就是这个想法：你什么都不是，你没有什么可失去的。

And I really, really, if there's one thing I could give you from this podcast today, it's really that idea that you are nothing, you have nothing to lose.

你并不特别。

You aren't special.

你并不重要。

You're not significant.

对我来说，这非常解放，因为我不再感到不安。

And for me, that's incredibly liberating because I'm not insecure.

你并不想要它。

You don't want it.

你只是希望拥有它。

You would just rather have it.

我显然并不是真的想要一个完美的六块腹肌身材，因为我没有真正采取那些想要它的人会采取的行动。

I've clearly not really wanted an amazing six pack summer body because I've not really taken the actions of someone that wants it.

我只是希望拥有它。

I would just rather have it.

我对它的渴望没有对坐在电脑前、看纪录片或吃不健康食物的渴望那么强烈，我只是希望不付出努力就能拥有它。

I don't want it as much as I want to sit on my laptop or as much as I want to watch documentaries or eat unhealthy food, I would just rather have it if I could without doing the work.

这就是大多数人与目标之间的关系，尤其是你的次要目标和第三目标。

And that is the relationship that most people have with their goals, especially your secondary and third goals.

我说的次要目标和第三目标，是指你主要关注点之外的那些，比如事业之类的。

When I say secondary and third goals, I mean outside of your sort of main focus, your career and those types of things.

你的次要目标和第三目标往往是像健康、健身这类的事情。

Your secondary and third goals tend to be like your health and your fitness and these kinds of things.

他们并不是真的想要这些，只是希望自己已经拥有了。

They don't really want them, they would just rather have them.

当你真正想要某样东西时，那种渴望会让你什么都不怕，什么都不能阻止你去尝试。

When you want something, the fear that nothing will stop you from trying.

而当你只是希望拥有时，几乎任何事情都能让你放弃尝试。

When you would rather have it, nearly anything can stop you from trying.

在这个忙碌、快节奏、纷繁复杂的世界里，人们很容易和自己的目标脱节。

It is so easy in a hectic, fast paced, busy world to get disconnected from your goals.

我们都会这样。

We all do it.

我自己也一样，对吧？

I do it as well, right?

齐格·齐格拉说过，人们常说动力不会持久，但洗澡也一样不会持久。

And Zig Ziglar said, people often say that motivation doesn't last, well neither does bathing.

所以这就是为什么我们建议每天都要做。

That's why we'd recommend it daily.

同样，重新连接你的次要和第三目标以及它们背后的原因也是如此。

And the same applies for reconnecting to some of your secondary and third goals and the why associated with them.

我开始做的一件事，对我的生活产生了巨大影响，就是对于这些次要和第三目标，我会主动写下研究，思考为什么我需要这些目标实现。

What I've started to do and something that's had a huge impact on my life is for these secondary and third goals, I will actively write down research, think about why I need those goals to come true.

我需要实现它们，因为那些是最容易失去联系的，尤其是当我如此专注于我的主要目标，比如我的事业和社交训练之类的。

I need to realize them because those are the ones that are easiest to become disconnected to, especially when I'm so focused on my primary goals, being my career and social training, things like that.

所以是的，那些第二和第三目标需要特别照顾，因为它们非常重要，但也很容易被遗忘。

So yeah, those second and third goals take special care of them because they are incredibly important, but they are incredibly easy to forget about.

好的，这是我在日记里写过的最喜欢的观点之一，我刚写下，最快乐的人是那些问为什么最多的人。

Okay, so this is one of my favorite points I think I've ever written in my diary And I've just written, the happiest people are those that ask why the most.

我们生活在一个社会里，它给了我们一个事情应该如何发展的模式。

We live in a society which has given us a model of how things are meant to go.

你应该上学，然后上大学，然后找份工作来付账单，然后贷款买房，然后赶在30岁前赶紧找个人约会，然后在30到40岁之间结婚，和那个人生两个孩子，然后把重心转移到孩子身上，最后退休。

You're meant to go to school, then you're meant to go to university, then you're meant to get a job so that you can pay your bills, you're meant to get a mortgage, then you're meant to quickly find someone to date before you're 30, then you're meant to get married between 30 and 40, you're meant to have two kids with that person and then you're meant to shift your focus to your kids before you're meant to retire.

然后最后一步，这不是假设，是你无法控制的一步，就是你死了。

And then finally, last step, which isn't hypothetical, the step you can't control happens, which is you die.

你最终过的是你应该过的生活，而不是让你快乐的生活，也不是适合你的生活，而是一个几百年前在完全不同的世界里为完全不同的世代创造的生活模式。

You end up living the life you were meant to live, not the life that makes you happy, not a life suited to you, a model of life that was created hundreds and hundreds of years ago in a completely different world for a completely different generation.

为了找到最适合你的人生模式，我们首先得确定最终目标。

In order to figure out the best model for your life, we've got to first agree upon the ultimate objective.

我想我们都同意，人生的最终目标是幸福，对吧？

And I think we can all agree that the ultimate objective from life is happiness, right?

那么，认为大多数你应该做的事情已经不再有效，这算疯狂吗？

So is it crazy to think that most of the things you're meant to do are no longer valid?

也许它们从来就没有效过。

Maybe they were never valid.

认为可能存在一种不同的人生模式，能让你更幸福，这算疯狂吗？

Is it crazy to think that there might be a different model for your life that will make you happier?

认为因为每个人都不一样，所以我们的生活模式也应该不同，这算疯狂吗？

Is it crazy to think that because everyone's different, the model for our lives should also be different.

我从大学退学，偏离了原本该走的路，我知道随大流要容易得多。

I know from dropping out of university and going off the path I was meant to take that it's so much easier to conform.

要寻找并创造一种不同的人生蓝图很难，因为那有风险，别人会批评你，觉得你奇怪，而且没有先例，所以可能行不通。

It's hard to search out and create a different blueprint for your life because it's risky and people will criticize you and they'll think you're weird and there's no case study, so it might not work.

但退学的时候，我是朝着内心告诉我的、能让我快乐和满足的方向去的。

But in dropping out of university, I was going in the direction of what my heart told me would make me happy and fulfilled.

我不是按照蓝图走，也没有遵循社会那些不成文的规则，这反而让我找到了自己的幸福。

I wasn't going off a blueprint, not conforming to society's unwritten rules of how life should be led me to my own happiness.

如果其他事情也是这样呢？

What if the same applies for everything else?

我举个例子，这个例子可能有点相关，就是婚姻。

Let me take one example, which I guess is kind of relevant, which is marriage.

我们被告知要结婚，因为大家都这么做，而且隐含的说法是，如果你不结婚，你就会不快乐、低人一等。

We're told to get married because everyone does and the untold assertion is that if you don't get married, you'll be unhappy and lowly.

这个周末显然是皇室婚礼，我敢肯定这又在大多数人脑子里加深了必须结婚的想法。

This weekend was obviously the royal wedding, which I'm sure cemented the idea in most people's brains that you have to get married.

但咱们看看这该死的数字。

But let's look at the fucking numbers.

百分之五十的婚姻以离婚告终。

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.

这并不意味着百分之五十的人婚姻幸福，另外百分之五十不幸福，只是说其中一半人真的有精力、有勇气、有资源去合法分开。

That doesn't mean fifty percent of people are happily married and fifty percent aren't, it just means half of them actually had the energy, guts, resources to actually separate legally.

很多还维持着婚姻的人，分房睡，甚至分居，彼此憎恨。

Many of those still in marriages live in separate rooms, in separate houses, they hate each other.

我觉得某种程度上，这有点像我的父母。

And I think in some way, this is kind of the story of my parents.

我爸在我大概七岁的时候告诉我，他不再爱我妈了。

My dad told me when I was, I don't know, seven years old that he didn't love my mom anymore.

婚姻这个概念已经破碎了。

Marriage as a concept is broken.

数据显示，对大多数人来说，婚姻这种模式行不通。

The stats say for the majority, the model of marriage doesn't work.

那我们为什么还要结婚呢？

So why the fuck are we doing it?

我们这么做是因为大家都这么做，社会也是这样要求的。

We're doing it because everybody does it and that's what society says.

而且因为我们害怕寻找其他选择，未知的蓝图比不太令人满意的已知蓝图更让我们害怕。

And because we're scared to find an alternative and the unknown blueprint scares us more than the less than satisfactory known blueprint.

再举个例子，大学。

Another example, university.

对大多数人来说，大学——我以前说过，现在再说一遍——完全是个骗局。

For the majority university, I've said it before, I'll say it again, is a total scam.

如果你花几万到几十万去拿个学位来提高就业能力，对大多数人来说，你就是在被坑。

If you're spending tens to hundreds of thousands on a degree to increase your employability, for the majority you're being ripped off.

对大多数职业来说，经验通常更重要。

Experience generally matters more for the majority of professions.

在大多数情况下，在一家好公司实习一年，比读三四年甚至五年的学位更能大幅提升你的就业竞争力。

A one year internship at a good company will make you drastically more employable than a three, four, five year degree in most cases.

过去三年里，我们在世界各地的Social Chain雇了成百上千的人，涵盖设计、市场、法务、财务、销售、人力资源、数据、商务，甚至我们的厨师，问过他们学历的人数是零。

Of the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that we've employed at Social Chain around the world in the last three years in every role, including design, marketing, legal finance, sales, HR, data, business, and even our chef, the number of people have asked about their degree is zero.

问过他们之前工作经验的人数是两百九十人。

The number of people have asked about their prior experience is two ninety people.

然后有人会反驳说，没有学位你根本拿不到工作经验。

And people will come back to me and say, well, you can't get experience without a degree.

对，这话有一定道理，但那恰恰说明这个体系有问题。

Yeah, because that's partly true, but that's just because the system is broken.

还有人会说，但医生必须有学位啊。

And the other argument is, but my doctor needs a degree.

这并不能让欺骗大多数人的行为变得合理。

That doesn't make scamming the majority acceptable.

少数人成功不代表同样的模式就该套用在所有人身上。

The majority winning doesn't mean that the same model should be cast upon the majority.

大多数上班族说他们的工作并不需要学位。

The majority of workers say that their job did not require a degree.

大多数企业主没有学位。

The majority of business owners don't have a degree.

大多数有学位的人说他们的工作和所学专业无关。

The majority of people with a degree say their job is unrelated to that degree.

这个模式就是个骗局。

The model is a scam.

就像婚姻一样，它对绝大多数人来说并不适用，但就像婚姻一样，我们已经围绕它建立了一套体系。

Just like marriage, it doesn't work for the vast majority, but just like marriage, we've built a system around it.

所以不仅几乎不可能改变，而且很多人也害怕去寻找其他选择。

So not only is it almost impossible to change, but many people are too scared to seek out the alternatives.

所以我想我的结论是，多问几个为什么。

So I guess my conclusion is to ask why more.

在你自己的生活中，我也在我的生活中这样做。

In your own life, I'm doing it in mine.

这是我一直在做的事情，也是我今后会继续做的事情。

This is what I've always done and what I will always continue to do.

多问问为什么事情非得是这样。

Ask why things have to be the way they are.

你不仅可能更接近自己的幸福，还可能为后代创造一个更美好的世界发挥重要作用。

Not only could you get closer to your own happiness, but you could also be instrumental in creating a better world for future generations.

我真的不打算结婚。

I really don't think I'm going to get married.

我为什么要结婚呢？

Why would I?

这是我在播客里聊过的最奇怪的话题，但我就是不在乎。

This is the most bizarre point I've ever talked about in my podcast and I just don't care.

我很兴奋能和你分享这个，因为我觉得对某些人来说，这会让你感到有点不舒服。

I'm really excited to share this with you because I think for some people, it'll make you feel a little bit uncomfortable.

好的。

Okay.

所以我刚才在日记里写了，什么是真实的？

So I just wrote in my diary, what is real?

我在网上看了一些东西，有点共鸣。

I was reading some stuff online and it resonated a little bit.

这其实是个很有意思的现象，我记得叫射精后综合征，简称PES。

And it's this really interesting phenomenon called, I think it's called post ejaculation syndrome, PES.

基本上，男性射精之后，性欲会消失，感觉会消失，欲望也会消失。

And basically, when the male ejaculates, he loses his horniness, he loses his feelings and he loses his desires.

这是男性性反应的自然过程，他们称之为不应期。

This is part of the natural male sexual response and they call it the refractory period.

射精之后，对异性的兴趣通常会完全减退。

After ejaculation, romantic interest usually completely diminishes.

从生存的角度来看，他们认为这可能是种适应机制，防止男性一次性把所有的种子都播在一个地方。

And from a sort of survival standpoint, they think this is probably an adaptation that kept men from spreading all of their seed at once in one place.

这样他们就能有更大的繁殖机会，把种子分散开，创造更多的机会。

So they would have greater reproductive chances of spreading it around and creating more opportunity.

所以作为男人，听这个的男人们会完全理解，你真的可以从极度想念一个人、想着他们、愿意订机票飞到地球另一边去见他们，然后自慰一下，瞬间就真的不在乎他们了，瞬间就放下了。

So as a man and men listening to this will completely understand, you can literally go from desperately missing someone, thinking about them, willing to book flights to see them on the other side of the world, then masturbating and instantaneously genuinely not caring about them anymore, instantaneously being over them.

如果你在听这个，心里想史蒂夫到底在说什么鬼？

If you're listening to this and you're thinking what the fuck is Steve on about?

去谷歌搜一下。

Google it.

我显然是个男人，我理解这些感受，而且快速谷歌一下就会看到无数男人也在试图理解这个。

I'm obviously a man, I understand these feelings And a quick Google search will show endless amounts of men trying to understand this as well.

但让我觉得有意思的不是我射精后的感受。

But what was so interesting to me isn't how I feel after I ejaculate.

这个播客不是讲这个的。

That's not what this podcast is about.

有意思的是，这可能意味着我们所有那些天生的感觉，那些让我们沮丧、开心、兴奋、难过以及介于两者之间的一切感觉，都不是实实在在的。

What's interesting is this means probably all of our sort of innate feelings, the innate things that get us down, make us happy, horny, sad and everything in between aren't tangibly real.

这些情绪是由我们体内的化学物质或者化学物质的缺乏所创造的。

These are emotions created by chemicals or lack thereof in our bodies.

这里我得说清楚，我绝对不是说心理健康问题不真实，它们非常非常真实。

And I need to be extremely clear here, I am not for a second saying that mental health issues aren't real, they are very, very, very real.

我说的是我们作为人类天生的冲动和欲望。

I'm talking about the natural urges and desires we have as humans.

我想说的是，刚才那个例子让我明白，我们很多感受其实是由体内的化学物质驱动的，它们让我们产生某些感觉，是为了促使我们做出有利于生存和繁衍的行为，而化学物质失衡真的能让我们感受到任何情绪、产生任何想法。

What I'm saying is the example that I described above taught me that much of what we feel is due to chemicals in our bodies that are making us feel things in order to get us to carry certain carry out certain actions that are conducive with survival and reproduction and a chemical imbalance can really make us feel and think anything.

我为什么说这些呢？

Why am I talking about this?

对我来说，意识到这些感受只是体内化学物质的作用，真的让我很解脱，因为我以前以为我作为人类所经历的那些感觉和情绪都是实实在在的东西。

For me, the understanding that it's just chemicals in my body making me feel things for me was really liberating because I thought much of the sensations and the feelings and things that I encounter as a human being were like real things.

怎么说呢，就像是从天上某个神那里来的真实存在的东西。

I don't know, things sent from some God above in real tangible things.

但接受了我大部分感受其实是由自己内心产生的这个事实后，我反而觉得能更好地掌控它们。

But embracing the fact that most of the things I feel have been created within my own mind for me gave me a real sense of control over them.

这让它们不再那么有力量了。

It took power away from them.

对我来说，那种感觉真的很棒。

And for me, that feeling is amazing.

虽然结尾有点奇怪，但我希望你能明白我的意思。

Really, really weird point to end on, but I hope you understand what I'm saying.

就是那种感觉，比如想念某人或者类似的事情，能强烈到完全控制你，但只要你改变大脑里的化学物质，或者做点别的事情，你立刻就无所谓了。

This idea that I can feel something so immensely that has so much control over me like, you know, missing someone or this kind of thing and then you can change the chemicals in your brain or you can do something and instantly you don't care.

这两种感觉都真实得不得了，之前和之后的感觉都真实得不得了。

Both feelings felt so fucking feel so fucking real, like the feeling before and after feels so fucking real.

我在说什么呢？

What am I talking about?

但你懂我的意思吗？

But do you get what I mean?

不过，如果刚才还没说清楚，我最终的结论就是，人体和大脑真是太神奇了，它们会骗我们，让我们以为自己真的有什么感受，但实际上背后只是化学物质在驱动。

But anyway, my grand conclusion to this point, if I haven't been able to make it just yet, is how amazing the human body is and the mind is at tricking us into thinking that we genuinely feel a certain way when really there's just a chemical driving that feeling.

对有些人来说，这可能很可怕，因为把生活、情绪和感受都归结为化学物质，确实让人害怕，会让人感到不安、觉得自己无关紧要之类的。

For some people, this might be terrifying because breaking your sort of your life and your emotions and feelings down to chemicals for some is really scary and it makes them feel insecure and irrelevant or whatever.

但对我来说，知道这一点让我很有力量，比如就拿想念某人或者感到性冲动来说吧。

But for me, it's so empowering to know that let's use the example of missing somebody or feeling horny.

你知道，当我感觉自己真的很想念某个人的时候，那其实不是真的。

You know that when I feel like I really, really miss somebody, that's not a real thing.

我并不是真的那么想他们，或者我并不是真的那么性冲动。

I don't really, really, really miss them or I'm not really, really horny.

你懂我的意思吗？

Do know what mean?

那只是化学物质在起作用。

It's just chemicals.

而我会没事的。

And I'm gonna be okay.

好了，我们就在这里结束这期播客吧。

And anyway, we'll end the podcast there.

这结尾真是够奇怪的。

What a fucking weird ending.

好的。

Okay.

非常感谢大家收听《CEO的日记》。

Thank you so much for listening to the Diary of a CEO.

我下周一还会回来。

I'm going be back next week on Monday.

这次我会准时。

This time, I'm going be on time.

我保证。

I promise you.

如果你喜欢这期播客，学到了东西，或者觉得不错，请在播客商店给我留个评论。

If you've enjoyed this podcast, if you've learned anything, if you like it, please leave me a review in the podcast store.

如果方便的话，给我打个五星，那就太棒了。

If you could possibly leave me five stars, that'd be amazing.

评论里也顺便留下你的社交媒体账号吧。

And leave your social media handle in the review as well.

我会像往常一样，尽我所能去帮助尽可能多的人。

I'm going to try and as I always do try and help as many of you as I possibly can.

如果你能分享这个播客，并在LinkedIn、Instagram或Twitter上@我，我会永远感激不尽，而且每一条我都会看，一个不落。

If you can share the podcast and tag me on LinkedIn or Instagram or Twitter, I will be forever indebted to you and I see every single one of them without fail.

所以我会非常感激。

So I will appreciate it tremendously.

也请务必订阅这个播客，因为虽然更新不太规律，但这样你就不会错过任何一期。

Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast as well because of course them being so kind of sporadic means that you'll never miss one.

所以无论你在哪里收听，都请点击订阅按钮，告诉朋友，也谢谢你今天当我的心理治疗师。

So hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening to it, tell a friend and thank you for being my therapist today.

我会想念你们，下周再见。

I miss you and I'll see you again next week.