E42：如何停止成为自己最大的敌人

我一直以来都真的很开心。

I really have always been happy.

一直都是。

Always.

这个播客让我保持了快乐，但也让我能非常非常快地识别出生活中任何可能带来不开心的风险。

This podcast has maintained my happiness, but it's also allowed me to identify things very, very quickly that posed a risk to any unhappiness in any part of my life.

最重要的是，它让我更加了解自己。

And most importantly, it's given me more self awareness.

了解自己是谁，想要什么，以及为什么想要。

Self awareness as to who I am, what I want, and why I want it.

这周，我们就要聊这个。

This week, that's exactly what we're gonna talk about.

为什么我们会做那些不合逻辑、自我毁灭的事情，那些我们都会做的自我设限的事情，为什么我们觉得自己停不下来，以及我们怎样才能停下来。

Why we do those illogical, self destructive things, those self limiting things that we all do, why we feel we can't stop doing them, and how we can.

和往常一样，期待真诚。

As always, expect honesty.

这一集也不例外。

For this episode, it's no different.

这一集只有我一个人。

For this episode, it's just me.

凌晨三点，我坐在纽约寒冷冬夜里的家庭录音室。

Sat here in my home studio at 3AM in a cold, wintry New York City.

而你，无论坐着、站着还是躺着，正在听我的日记。

And it's you, sat there, stood there, laying there, listening to my diary.

那么话不多说，这里是《CEO的日记》，我是史蒂文·巴特利特。

So without further ado, this is The Diary of a CEO, and I'm Steven Bartlett.

我希望没有人听到。

I hope nobody is listening.

但如果你在听，请替我保密。

But if you are, then please keep this to yourself.

这周日记的第一点，是关于你的“为什么”。

So the first point of my diary this week is about your why.

西蒙·斯涅克用他的书《从为什么开始》让这个话题变得广为人知，但我要从完全不同的角度来谈你的“为什么”。

And Simon Sinek made this topic famous with his book Start With Why, but I'm taking a completely different perspective on the topic of your why.

对我来说，我谈的是你的动机。

For me, I'm talking about your motivations.

我不是在谈你的品牌故事或类似的东西。

I'm not talking about your brand story or anything like that.

我谈的是你生活中所有你声称想要的东西的核心动机。

I'm talking about your central motivations for everything you say you want in your life.

这周我在日记里刚写下，知道自己为什么想要它非常重要。

In my diary this week, I've just written, it's so important to know why you want it.

知道自己想要它的原因是最重要的事情。

Knowing the reason why you want it is the most important thing.

你知道，我们都说自己想成为百万富翁。

You know, we all say we wanna be a millionaire.

我们想要跑车。

We want sports cars.

我们想要男朋友或女朋友。

We want a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

我们想成为公众演讲者。

We want to be a public speaker.

我们想成为企业家。

We wanna be an entrepreneur.

我们想出名。

We wanna be famous.

我们想要一百万粉丝。

We want a million followers.

我们说我们想改变世界。

We say we want to change the world.

但99%的情况下，人们想这么做，比如想改变世界，并不是因为他们有一件迫切需要改变的事情。

But 99% of the time, the reason people want to do it, the reason people wanna change the world, for example, isn't because there's one thing they desperately need to change.

并不是有一个社会问题需要他们去解决。

There isn't a social cause they need to defeat.

他们并不是真的想改变世界。

They don't want to change the world.

真相是，虽然这个真相让人不舒服，但它很重要——他们只是希望被别人看作是一个改变了世界的人。

The truth is and the uncomfortable truth is, but the important truth is they just want to be seen as a person that changed the world.

他们想要的是这种成就带来的崇拜和赞赏。

They want the admiration that they would get from such an accomplishment.

他们的自尊心需要这些。

Their ego needs that.

他们的自我价值和自信需要掌声。

Their self esteem and their self worth needs the applause.

我觉得我们99.9%的人都不清楚自己为什么想要那些我们嘴上说想要的东西。

I think 99.9% of us have no clue why we want what we say we want.

我们真正想要那个东西的深层原因是什么。

The genuine underlying reason why we actually want the thing we say we want.

人们说想当企业家，是因为他们崇拜企业家。

People say they wanna be an entrepreneur because they admire entrepreneurs.

所以我觉得，他们内心深处其实是想，如果自己也成了企业家，就会佩服自己。

And so I think deep down, they think if they become one, they will admire themselves.

说到底，那还是缺乏安全感。

Again, that's just insecurity.

那是你的自尊心，是你缺乏自我价值感，需要靠外界的认可来填补。

It's your ego, your lack of self worth needing that reinforcement.

误解自己真正的动机，不仅在其他方面有危险，而且也是你永远无法实现那个目标的首要原因。

Misunderstanding your own genuine motivations is not only dangerous for other reasons, but it's also the number one reason you'll never achieve that goal.

拿公开演讲举例，如果你想成为演讲者，但潜意识里，你真正渴望的其实是那种你认为演讲者才有的赞赏和自信，那你永远成不了优秀的演讲者。

If I take public speaking as an example, if you wanna be a public speaker, but subconsciously deep down, you really, really just want the appreciation and the confidence that you think public speakers have, you'll never be a great public speaker.

因为演讲者，你知道的，他们讲述精彩的故事，分享渊博的知识。

Because public speakers, you know, they tell their great stories, they share their great knowledge.

我认识很多优秀的演讲者，但我不认识任何一个，一开始就立志要当演讲者的人。

I don't know one great public speaker, and I know a lot, that set out to be a public speaker.

事实是，他们一开始是想做一番大事。

The truth is they set out to do great things.

在这个过程中，他们创造了一个独特的故事。

And in the process, they created a unique story.

他们学到了有价值的信息，现在成千上万的人愿意花钱听他们讲那个故事。

They learned valuable information, and now thousands of people want to pay them to listen to that story.

我是说，谁他妈会立志当个演讲家啊？

I mean, who the fuck sets out to be a public speaker?

我觉得，那些立志当演讲家的人，多半是出于错误的动机。

I mean, presumably, the majority of people that are doing that are doing it for the wrong reasons.

正因为动机不对，他们就想绕过那些真正优秀的演讲家所经历的过程。

And because they're doing it for the wrong reasons, they've tried to circumnavigate the process that great public speakers go on.

说到伟大的演讲家，我指的是马丁·路德·金。

If we're talking great public speakers, I'm talking Martin Luther King.

还有温斯顿·丘吉尔。

I'm talking Winston Churchill.

甚至鲁斯·巴德·金斯伯格也算。

You know, even Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

在我们这个时代，像托尼·罗宾斯这样的人，都是先积累了丰富的个人和生活经验，然后才登上舞台的。

In our modern times, people like Tony Robbins, these are all people that built tremendous personal and life experience first before taking to the stage.

如果他们只是因为缺乏安全感、渴望得到人群的认可，就先去当演讲者，那我敢肯定，这些人绝不会成为伟大的演讲者，因为他们根本没有故事可讲。

Had they taken to the stage first because they just wanted to be a public speaker because of their insecurities and because of their desire to be validated by crowds of people, then I'm sure I'm convinced that none of these people would have been great public speakers because they just wouldn't have had the story to tell.

所以，就拿公开演讲这个例子来说，知道自己为什么想要它，这才是最重要的。

And that's why, in one example, using public speaking as the example, knowing the reasons why you want it is the most important thing.

而且，如果你误解了自己追求某件事的真正动机，我真心觉得，这可能是你永远无法实现它的首要原因。

And misunderstanding your own genuine motivations as to why you're striving for something, I genuinely believe, could be the number one reason why you'll never actually achieve it.

事实是，如果你是为了自己内心的原因想要它，你会像对待爱好一样去做，因此，你会像掌握一门手艺一样精通它。

And the truth is, if you want it for your own internal reasons, you 'll do it like a hobby, and therefore, you'll master it like a grape.

如果你是为了别人的原因，为了外在的原因，你会像做家务一样去做，然后像骗子一样失败。

If you want it for someone else's reasons, for external reasons, you'll do it like a chore, and you'll fail like a fraud.

你看，人们说他们想要个男朋友。

You see, people say they want a boyfriend.

我们都想。

We all do.

我们说想要男朋友、女朋友。

We say want a boyfriend, a girlfriend.

其实不是。

We don't.

我们想要的是被爱的感觉。

We wanna feel loved.

有些情况下，尤其是更深层的情况，我们真正想要的是那种安全感，而童年时的负面经历和被抛弃的感觉剥夺了这种安全感。

And in some cases, in particularly deeper cases, what we really want is to feel the sense of security that the negative experiences and the feelings of abandonment from our childhood robbed us off.

所以我们带着破碎的心匆忙进入一段关系，希望对方能治愈我们，但未愈合的创伤会导致不安全感和有毒的行为，关系最终破裂，自尊心进一步受损。

So we rush into relationships broken, hoping, you know, this person will fix us, but our unhealed trauma leads to insecure toxic behavior, the relationship fails and the self esteem decays even further.

如果我们当初知道自己真正想要的是什么，也许就不会落得个惨败的下场。

If we'd just only known what we actually wanted, we might not have gone down in a ball of fire and failed so badly.

所以我要再说一遍，知道自己为什么想要，才是最重要的事。

And this is why I'll say it again, knowing the reason why you want it is the most important thing.

如果你想要它只是为了迎合别人的看法，或者为了给别人留下深刻印象，希望得到某种外界的认可或肯定，来修复你内心某个未愈合的问题。

If you want it to please other people's opinions or to impress people in the hope that you'll receive some kind of external recognition or validation that will fix some unhealed issue inside you.

不仅因为你的动机和实现目标所需的步骤不一致，导致你很难真正得到它，而且即使你真的得到了——我亲眼见过身边最亲密的朋友经历这种情况——即便你拿到了那个你以为自己想要的东西，你也会发现，那其实根本不是你在寻找的东西。

Not only will you struggle to ever get it as I've said above because your motivations aren't aligned with the steps it takes to get it, but even if you do get it, even if you do get it, and I've seen this in my closest dearest friends, even if you do get that thing that you think you want for the reasons you think you want it, you'll realize that it wasn't actually what you were looking for anyway.

就像我之前在这档播客里多次提到的那样，我的一些好朋友花了整整多年时间，拼命想要建立非常成功的事业，在公众面前赢得赞誉和名声。

And as I've said on this podcast a number of times, some of my closest friends strive to build super successful businesses and admiration and fame in the public eye for many, many years.

拿我妈和我家狗的生命发誓，在我所知的几乎百分之百的情况下，当我知道朋友是因为错误的理由去追求某样东西时……

And on my mother's life, on my dog's life, I promise you in almost 100% of occasions where I knew my friend wanted something for the wrong reasons.

他们一旦真的得到了，反而过得非常痛苦。

When they got it, they were miserable.

他们过得特别痛苦。

They were absolutely miserable.

在我自己的生活中，我也很害怕去追求那些目标，因为过去的经历告诉我，我有时候并不清楚自己为什么非要努力去做某件事。

And in my own life, I'm so scared of my own goals because history tells me that I've not always known why I was striving for something.

就像我之前在这档播客里详细聊过的，我18岁那年定下的很多目标，其实都不是出于内在的动力。

As I've discussed at length on this podcast, many of the goals I had when I was 18 years old weren't for intrinsic reasons.

并不是因为我想要从中获得满足感。

They weren't because I was seeking fulfillment.

我当时是想给人留下深刻印象，因为我觉得那样就能得到满足感。

I was seeking to impress because I thought that would give me fulfillment.

我完全搞错了。

I had it all wrong.

我当时不明白满足感是什么，也不知道内心深处，我到底为什么想要那些东西。

I didn't understand what fulfillment was, and I did not know why, deeply down, why I wanted the things I wanted.

我再说一遍。

I'm gonna say that again.

即使你得到了它，即使你最终真的得到了那个你内心深处、潜意识里，也许自己都没意识到，其实并不是出于正确理由想要的东西，即使你真的得到了，你也会发现，那其实并不是你真正在寻找的。

Even if you get it, even if you do end up getting that thing that you secretly deep down subconsciously, maybe without knowing, don't actually want for the right reasons, even if you do get it, you'll realize that it wasn't actually what you were looking for anyway.

你真正在寻找的是自我价值，但你得到的却是大量的粉丝。

What you were looking for was self worth, but what you got was lots of followers.

你真正在寻找的是幸福，就像我18岁时那样，但你得到的却是一堆物质上的东西。

What you were looking for was happiness, like I was at 18 years old, but what you got was a bunch of material things.

你真正在寻找的是那种安全感，那种你童年被剥夺的安全感，但你得到的却是另一段有毒的关系，和一个善于操控的伴侣。

What you were looking for was the feeling of security that your childhood robbed you of, but what you got was another toxic relationship with a manipulative partner.

你得看看你生活中追求的一切，然后诚实地问自己：我为什么想要这个？

You've got to look at everything you're striving for in your life and you've got to ask yourself honestly, why do I want this?

为什么？

Why?

你得确保这些理由是真诚的。

You've got to make sure those reasons are genuine.

你得确保这些理由是为了你自己，为了你的家人，为了你爱的人，为了你的满足感。

You've got to make sure they are for you, for your family, for your loved ones, for your fulfilment.

因为知道自己为什么想要，这才是最重要的事情。

Because knowing the reason why you want it is the most important thing.

我日记里的下一个要点是关于为自己的烂事负责。

The next point in my diary is about taking responsibility of your own bullshit.

我也有这个问题。

I'm guilty of this.

你知道，在我看来，人们得不到他们想要的生活，永远无法发挥全部潜力，无法在所有方面取得他们本可以取得的进步，最常见的原因就是他们从来没有勇气、没有自我意识、没有诚实地为自己的烂事、自己的缺点、自己的错误、自己的有毒特质和自己的行为负责。

You know, the most common reason why people don't get what they want out of life, in my opinion, why people never reach their full potential, and why they don't make the progress they could make in all areas of their life is because they never ever have the guts, have the self awareness, and have the honesty to take responsibility for their own bullshit, for their own faults, for their own mistakes, for their own toxic traits, and for their own behavior.

对吧？

Right?

而且我也和很多人一样，做过同样的事。

And I've done this just as much as a lot of people have.

责怪别人更容易，而且不需要我们审视自己，也不会伤害我们的自尊和自以为是的感觉。

Blame is easier and it doesn't require us to assess ourselves and potentially harm our own ego and our own sense of righteousness.

当我们处于冲突或感到脆弱的情境中，比如我们可能犯了错，或者情绪激动时，对于脆弱的自尊心来说，最安全的逃避冲突的方式就是找个人或找个东西来责怪。

And when we're in a conflict or a situation where we feel vulnerable because, you know, we might have made a mistake or there's an emotional arousal, the safest way out of conflict for a very fragile ego is to find someone or something to blame.

当然不是承担责任。

It's certainly not to take responsibility.

承担责任需要一定的成熟度。

It takes a certain level of maturity to take responsibility.

当我们责怪别人时，我们的自尊心似乎毫发无损地逃脱了，但导致冲突的问题却没有解决。

And when we blame, of course, our ego seems to get out safely unscathed, but the issue that caused the conflict goes unresolved.

所以，那个冲突迟早会再次出现。

And so it's only a matter of time before that conflict comes back around again.

我们在同事身上能看到这一点，在人际关系中也能看到，在我们个人的组织管理上也能看到。

And we see that in our colleagues, we see that in our relationships, we see that in our personal organization.

我在我自己的组织管理上就见过这种情况。

I've seen that in my personal organization.

对吧？

Right?

我一直把责任归咎于外部因素，因为我实在是太乱、太没条理了。

I've always blamed external factors for the fact that I'm horribly, horribly unorganized.

我一直都是这样做的。

I've always done that.

我总说，哦，我太忙了，所以我没法收拾我那该死的房子或房间。

I've said, oh, I'm busy, so I I can't clean up my fucking house or my room.

我没法收拾我的厨房。

I can't clean up my kitchen.

我自己才是我没条理的原因。

I'm the reason I'm unorganized.

我身材走样也是我自己的原因。

I'm the reason I'm out of shape.

对吧？

Right?

我不是说我就是这样，但这只是我在做的一个心理练习。

And I'm not saying that I am, but this is me just going through a mental exercise.

我找不到工作，也是我自己的原因。

I'm the reason why I can't hold a job.

我生活中反复出现的那些模式，一次次重演，都是我自己造成的。

I am the reason why the patterns I see in my life keep repeating themselves time and time again.

这就是承担责任所需要的勇气。

That's the bravery of taking responsibility.

而承担责任的重要性，远远超过了那种需要鼓起勇气的感受。

And the importance of it outweighs the sense or need to be brave.

如果我说下面这句话让你觉得被冒犯了——你生活中的那些烂事，都是你自己造成的。

And if you feel attacked when I say the following, that you are responsible for the bullshit in your life.

对吧？

Right?

你要对自己负责，这一点很重要，你得开始承认自己在生活中犯下的那些错误或失误，而不是总把责任推到别人身上。

That you are responsible, and that's important for you to start admitting to some of these missteps or mistakes that you're making in your life that you're constantly blaming everyone else for.

如果我说这些让你觉得被冒犯，那很可能是你的自尊心在拼命地自我防卫。

If you feel attacked when I say that, then that's probably your ego desperately trying to play self defense.

你知道，我们克服这些烂事的方法就是承认它。

You know, the way that we overcome bullshit is by owning it.

我觉得Instagram和流行文化，尤其是从我的角度来看，我发了很多让人有共鸣的内容，人们会拿去分享给他们的粉丝，放到他们的快拍里，把我的语录放在他们的快拍上。

And I think Instagram and pop culture, especially from the perspective that I've had, where I post a lot of relatable stuff and people take my stuff and they share it with their following, they put it on their story, they put my quotes on their story.

他们经常用我的语录来间接地指责任何人，说，看吧，你错了。

What they're often doing with my quotes is using it as an indirect to point at someone and say, see, you were wrong.

但真的，几乎没有人会分享我的语录然后说，天哪，这就是我。

But very, very fucking rarely does anybody share one of my quotes and say, oh my god, this is me.

我需要停止做这个有毒的人。

I need to stop stop being this toxic person.

我需要停止表现出这些有毒的行为。

I need to stop exhibiting these toxic behaviors.

很多人永远不会进步，因为他们脆弱的自我防御心理让他们陷入一个循环，自己的有毒特质——我们都有有毒特质，你也有。

And so many people will never make progress because their fragile self defending ego has them trapped in a cycle where their own toxic trait, and we all have toxic traits, you do.

你有很多这样的特质。

You have lots of them.

我也有很多。

I have lots of them.

让我们把这个播客当作一个安全的空间，就，你知道，把我们的有毒特质都说出来。

Let's just let's use this podcast as a safe space just to, you know, like, let out our toxic traits.

我先来。

I'm gonna start.

我总体上非常不有条理，尤其是在个人生活方面。

I'm incredibly unorganized generally, specifically as it relates to my personal life.

在商业环境中我稍微有条理一些，但我的个人生活非常混乱。

I'm a little bit more organized in a business context, but my personal life is tremendously unorganized.

我有个毛病，就是追求完美。

I have a tendency to seek perfection.

有时候，我在追求完美的过程中会显得很矛盾。

Sometimes I can be quite contradictory in my pursuit of perfectionism.

我有时候会为一些不值得的事情情绪化。

I am emotional at times about things that I shouldn't be emotional about.

我真心觉得，这就是我完全坦诚的一面。

I genuinely and this is me just being completely honest.

我觉得我在控制情绪方面，比99%的人做得都好。

I think I'm like better at not than 99% of people at like controlling my emotions generally.

不过，我还是想把那1%也做到完美，而且我发现自己在情绪特别激动的时候，反应多于回应。

However, I still wanna perfect that 1%, And I still find myself reacting more than I respond in really sort of high emotionally arousing situations.

这些就是我的一些坏毛病。

There are some of my toxic traits.

对吧？

Right?

所以，给所有收听这个播客的人一个小挑战。

So here's a little challenge for anybody listening to this podcast.

我刚才分享了我的三个毒瘤特质。

I just shared three of my toxic traits.

我希望你现在就暂停这个播客。

I want you to pause this podcast right now.

对吧？

Right?

我不会走开的。

I'm not going anywhere.

播客还会在这里。

Podcast is still gonna be here.

我希望你去手机里的备忘录，或者大声说出来，或者在脑子里想，或者写下来，随便你怎么做，但请现在就做。

And I want you to go to the notes section in your phone or say out loud or say in your head or write it down, whatever you wanna do, just please do this right now.

你三个最毒瘤的特质。

Three of your most toxic traits.

这对我们继续下去真的很重要。

And this is really important for us to continue.

我要停一下，我希望你暂停我，然后写下来。

I'm gonna stop for a second and I want you to pause me and write it down.

开始吧。

Go.

好，我希望你做了，但如果你没做，我原谅你。

Okay, I hope you did that, but if you didn't, I forgive you.

但问题是，除非你开始更关心你的未来、进步和自我提升，而不是总是维护你的自尊，否则你会一直责怪世界，一直对自己的结果不满意，一直为自己缺乏进步而沮丧。

But here's the thing, until you start caring more about your future, about progress, about self development than you do about defending your ego all the time, you'll keep blaming the world and you'll keep being unhappy with your results and you'll keep being frustrated by your own lack of progress.

这破事不是别人的问题，是你自己的问题。

This shit is nobody's problem but your own.

对吧？

Right?

这就是你必须面对的生活。

And this is the life that you have to live.

所以，与其这样，不如直面这些问题，让生活过得更舒心一些。

So you might as well make it more pleasant to live by confronting these issues.

我不得不彻底改变自己的看法，才意识到这一点。

I had to make the radical changes to my own perspective to realize this about myself.

就像我说的，我之前给自己贴上了“不整洁”的标签，还怪罪自己的生活方式。

As I said, I'd labeled myself unorganized and I blamed my lifestyle.

因为一直在怪罪，所以什么都没改变。

And because I blamed, nothing changed.

事实是，这都怪我。

The truth was it was my fault.

我有坏习惯，而且不想去改。

I had bad habits and I didn't want to address them.

改掉这些习惯意味着短期内要付出努力，要感到不舒服，很多时候还要暴露自己的脆弱。

Addressing them meant short term hard work and being uncomfortable and in many cases being vulnerable.

因为改掉坏习惯和不良特质需要短期的努力和不适，所以我们总是拖延。

And because addressing our bad habits and toxic traits require short term hard work and discomfort, we put it off.

而且就像我下周的播客嘉宾要告诉你的那样，我们天生就是逃避舒适区的生物。

And as my podcast guest next week's gonna tell you, we are comfort avoiding creatures by nature.

但如果我们一直拖延，不去面对，就等于接受了长期的辛苦和更长久的痛苦，这些未处理的坏习惯和有毒特质会永远影响我们的生活、人际关系和事业。

But in putting it off, in doing so, we accept the long term harder work and longer term discomfort that this unaddressed toxic trait and bad habit will afflict upon our life, our relationships, our professional pursuits forever.

是时候承认你自己的问题了。

It's time to admit your own bullshit.

是时候面对你自己的坏习惯，承担责任，打破这个循环了。

It's time to address your own toxic traits and to take responsibility and to break the cycle.

好的。

Okay.

所以，我日记里的下一点是，如果你不采取行动，2020年对你来说就会和2019年一样。

So the next point of my diary, I've just written 2020 is gonna be just like 2019 for you, unless you do something about it.

各位，我们正进入一年中这个时候，开始看到2020年的个人计划纷纷出炉，每个人都上社交媒体，试图让全世界相信他们明年会改变。

We're getting to that time of year, ladies and gentlemen, where we're starting to see the 2020 personal campaigns begin, where everybody takes to social media and tries to convince the world that they're going to change next year.

想要改变并没有错。

And there's nothing wrong with seeking to change.

这完全没什么问题。

There's nothing wrong with that at all.

但是，光说不做，把精力浪费在空谈上，那就不对了。

But there there is something which is unhelpful and unuseful use of your energy about more talk and not enough action.

对吧？

Right?

我们就是这样一种生物。

We are creatures.

如果你真的想改变，这一点非常重要。

This is so important to know if you if you do genuinely want to change.

我们是习惯根深蒂固的生物。

We are creatures of intense, deeply wired habit.

以为发个Instagram故事或者写下来就能改变人生，说实话，那真是自欺欺人。

And to think that an Instagram story or writing it down is going to change your life is quite honestly deluded.

就像他们说的，物理里讲，每个作用力都有一个大小相等、方向相反的反作用力。

As they say, think it's in physics, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

如果你的行为被锁定在我们所有行为都有的深层习惯循环中，我们之所以有这些循环，是因为它们创造了规律，而规律带来了安全感等等。

If your actions are locked into the deep cycles of habit that all of our actions are, And we have those cycles because it creates routine, which creates safety and all these things.

事实是，如果你真的25岁、35岁、45岁，并且想在明年对生活做出根本性的改变，你必须在你的日常规律和习惯循环中做出彻底的改变，才能实现那种改变，改变你的人生轨迹。

The truth is if you genuinely are like 25 years old, 35 years old, 45 years old, and you want to make fundamental changes to your life next year, you have to perform radical change within your routines, within your habit cycles to create that change and to change your trajectory.

把新年决心写下来，我本身并不太相信，除非它们伴随着彻底的、颠覆习惯的行为改变。

Writing it down in New Year's resolutions aren't things that I inherently believe in unless they are coupled with radical, radical behavioural habit shattering change.

所以这可能意味着如果你想健身，就请个私人教练，而不是仅仅写在日记里，因为作为习惯的动物，我们很可能会回到那种避免不适的状态，不去健身房。

So this could mean hiring a personal trainer if you want to go to the gym and start working out, not just writing it in your diary because as creatures of habits, are likely to return to our discomfort avoiding state of not going to the gym.

所以我对每个人的建议是，当我们临近2020年的规划，你知道，那种网上流行的讨论时刻，通常发生在圣诞节之后，因为我们先迎接圣诞节，然后立刻开始考虑新年决心，那就是把你的每一个新年决心都配上彻底的改变、彻底的步骤、彻底的措施，来确保改变真的发生。

And so my advice to everybody as we approach this twenty twenty planning, you know, like online rhetoric moment, which usually takes place after Christmas because we lead up to Christmas and then we start immediately at that time start thinking about our New Year's resolutions, is to couple every single one of your New Year's resolutions with the radical change, the radical steps, the radical things you're gonna put in place to make sure that that change happens.

因为除非有彻底的改变，否则2020年对你来说会和2019年一模一样。

Because 2020 is gonna be exactly like 2019 for you unless there is radical change.

我非常期待带着这个播客进入十二月，告诉你我为2020年设定的一些目标，以及我为实现这些目标而在生活中采取的彻底措施。

And I'm really excited to go into December with this podcast and tell you some of the goals that I have for 2020, but also the radical measures I'm putting in place in my life to achieve those goals.

我们很快会更详细地讨论这些，希望我能带你了解我是如何为2020年设定目标的。

And we'll talk about that soon in much more detail and hopefully, I can talk you through how I'm setting my goals for 2020.

而且，只要通过推特私信我或者给我发消息这些方式，你就可以告诉我你是怎么设定你的目标的。

And, just by tweeting me and DMing me and all those things, you can tell me how you're setting yours.

所以，我日记里的下一个要点是关于自我认知的。

So the next point in my diary is about self awareness.

我写了：你如何变得更了解自己？

I've written how do you become more self aware?

这是我一直在追寻的东西。

This is something that I've hunted for.

我花了很多年寻找这个问题的答案。

I've spent years hunting for the answer to this question.

我知道，没有自我认知，自我提升是不可能的。

I know that self improvement is impossible without self awareness.

自我认知在创业者和自助大师圈子里已经成了一个流行词，但这是有充分理由的。

Self awareness has become a bit of a buzzword amongst the entrepreneurial self help guru community, but for good reasons.

自我认知，有时也被称为自我了解或内省，就是理解你自己的需求、欲望、缺点、习惯，以及所有让你运转起来的东西。

Self awareness, sometimes also referred to as sort of self knowledge or introspection, is about understanding your own needs, own desires, your own failings, your own habits and everything else that makes you tick.

你越了解自己，就越能适应自己，也越能根据新的反馈和新信息做出改变。

The more you know about yourself, the better you are adapting yourself, the better you are making changes based on new feedback and new information.

当然，自我意识在心理治疗中占很大一部分，而且如果我们回到苏格拉底的时代，它也是哲学的重要组成部分。

And of course self awareness is a big part of both therapy and also if we go back to the times of Socrates, it's also a big part of philosophy.

他最喜欢的一句格言就是“认识你自己”。

One of his favorite sayings which was know thyself.

你越关注自己的情绪以及它们如何运作，就越能理解自己为什么会做那些事情。

The more you pay attention to your emotions and how they work, the better you'll understand why you do the things that you do.

你越了解自己的习惯，就越容易改进这些习惯。

The more you know about your own habits, the easier it is to improve on those habits.

在某些情况下，这使得一点点实验变得极其重要。

And in some cases, this makes a little bit of experimentation so incredibly important.

有一种自我意识方法叫做“双环学习理论”，在这种方法中，你被不断鼓励去质疑你方法的每一个方面，包括你做事的方法论、你对人和世界的内部偏见，以及在你生活各个方面都起作用的深层假设。

There is this one self awareness method called the double loop learning theory, and in this method you're continually encouraged to always question every aspect of your approach, including your methodology as to why you're doing things, your internal biases about people and the world, and your deeply held assumptions that are at play in every aspect of your life.

这种更具心理细微差别的自我审视，需要的不仅仅是诚实。

This more psychological nuanced self examination requires more than just honesty.

这需要你鼓起勇气，在获得这些信息后付诸行动。

It requires you to summon up the courage to act on that information once you get it.

希望这能让你对生活和目标产生全新的思考方式。

And the hope is that this may lead to fresh new ways of thinking about your life and your goals.

但说实话，你可以读遍所有的效率技巧。

But honestly, can read every productivity tip out there.

你可以采用历史上最伟大的人们的日常习惯，也可以吸收 Instagram 上所有的自我提升建议。

You can adopt the routines of the greatest people to ever live, and you can eat up every piece of self help advice that comes across Instagram.

但如果你不够了解自己，无法把正确的建议或步骤付诸实践，那这一切就毫无意义。

But it's completely pointless if you don't know yourself well enough to put the correct advice or the correct steps into practice.

这就是为什么我总说，我最喜欢的一句话，可能是我在日记里写过、也在网上发过的最喜欢的一句话是：你可以读很多书，但如果你读不懂自己，你永远学不到任何东西。

And this is why I always say, one of my favorite quotes, probably my favorite quote that I've, I've ever written in my own diary and I've posted online is, you can read as much books as you like, but if you're unable to read yourself, you'll never learn a thing.

这句话对我意义重大，因为我多年来看到身边亲近的人没有意识到他们性格中的有毒特质对生活造成的影响。

This this quote meant so much to me because I spent years of seeing people so close to me not realize the impact that the toxic traits in their personality were having on their lives.

我看到我最好的朋友们因为这些持续的有毒行为而停滞不前。

I've I've seen my best friends be held back because of these toxic things they continue to do.

而且这些朋友里，有些是读书最多的人。

And some of these friends are people that read the most books.

他们比任何人都更热衷于自我提升和自我帮助。

They're into self development and self help more than anybody.

那怎么会有人这么热衷于自我提升，这么想让自己变得更好，却在我看来就像坐摩天轮一样，一遍又一遍地犯同样的错误呢？

So how could someone be so into self development, so into bettering themself, yet be the person that I consider to be on a Ferris wheel of making the same mistakes time and time again.

人们很容易误以为，只要通过读书足够了解自己，就能解决所有问题。

It's easy to fall for the idea that if you know yourself well enough just by reading books, you'll then be able to fix all your problems.

但心理学已经证明，事情并不是这样运作的。

But psychology has proven that that's just not how it works.

这是第一步，但并不是全部。

It is step one, but it's not how it works.

还有第二步。

There is a step two.

我们的头脑很脆弱，充满了各种偏见，这些偏见每天都在影响我们的决策。

Our minds are feeble and ripe with biases and they color our decision making every single day.

即使我们知道某件事，也不意味着我们会去做。

Even if we know something, it doesn't mean we're gonna act on it.

在他的书《思考，快与慢》中，那位主要研究者说，尽管他花了多年研究偏见和人类基本决策，他仍然有和以前一样的缺点。

In his book, Thinking Fast and Slow, the the main researcher in that book says that even though he spent years studying biases and basic human decision making, he still had all the same faults as before.

根据所有研究，另一个阻碍自我意识的因素是记忆。

Another factor that prevents self awareness, according to all research, is memory.

研究表明，我们记忆事件的方式以及事件如何发生总是不太准确的。

And research shows that the way we remember events and how they took place is always somewhat inaccurate.

我们被解雇的原因，我们如何向自己复述并美化它来保护自尊，以及我们告诉朋友的那些我们开始相信的胡话，都是非常不准确的。

The reason we got fired from our job, the way we recount it to ourselves and glamorize it to ourselves to protect our egos and tell our friends and the bullshit we say, which we start believing, is heavily inaccurate.

所以即使你花很多时间评估自己和过去，你仍然会带着对过去略微歪曲的看法离开。

So even if you spend a lot of time assessing yourself and your past, you'll still walk away with a slightly skewed vision of that past.

而这是最重要的一点。

And here's the most important thing.

这是我最想说的，也是我想留给你的话。

Here's what I really really wanna say and leave with you.

我见过阻碍我的朋友和同事变得更自我觉察、做出他们需要的改变以实现目标的最大因素，是他们内心深处的不安全感。

The number one thing that I've seen hold my friends and my colleagues back from being more self aware and making the changes that they need to make to achieve what they want to achieve is their own deeply held insecurities.

我给你讲个故事。

Let me tell you a story.

我有一个朋友，成了某家大公司的CEO，可能有点名不副实。

One of my friends became the CEO of a very big company, probably wrongly so.

当时正好有人被撤职，他就被推上去接了这个位置，其实他还没那个能力，经验也不够。

It just so happened that someone was removed and he was asked to take on that position before he was really capable or experienced to do so.

他一直有很深的不安全感。

And he's always had deeply held insecurities.

他跟我说过，他总觉得自己不够好。

He's told me that he's always felt like he wasn't enough.

他跟我讲过童年被抛弃的经历，父母很早就离开了他。

He's told me about the abandonment from his childhood, from his parents leaving at a very young age.

正因为这样，他总觉得要向世界证明点什么。

And because of this, he's always felt like he had something to prove to the world.

他一直觉得自己不够好。

He's always felt like he was not enough.

正因为这样，当他成为这家公司的CEO后，他成了一个没有安全感的CEO，不断提醒团队他是老大，贬低别人，逮着机会就报出自己的头衔，总是抢功劳，大喊“我是CEO！”

Because of that, when he became the CEO of this company, he became an insecure CEO, continually needing to remind his team that he was in charge, belittling people, blurting out his job title all the time whenever and wherever he could, always taking credit, shouting out I'm the CEO!

他从来没有真正了解自己的行业，因为他的不安全感让他无法承认自己有什么需要学习的。

He never really learnt his own industry because his insecurities didn't allow him to admit that he had anything to learn.

这样做需要他对自己坦诚，而当我们处于防御状态时，我们无法接受那些可能让我们脆弱或暴露更多的新信息。

Doing so would require him to be vulnerable to himself, and when we're playing defense, we're incapable of taking on new information that might make us vulnerable or expose us further.

所以，他没有真正了解自己，也没有谦逊地承认自己需要学习关于自己或行业的东西，而是用虚张声势、夸夸其谈和控制来试图弥补自己知识的不足。

So instead, instead of actually learning about himself, instead of having the humility to admit he had something to learn about himself or about his industry, he used bravado and talking and control to try and overcompensate for his lack of knowledge.

他周围的每个人都能看穿这一点。

And this was totally see through to everybody around him.

我记得我告诉他，我说，约翰，这不是他的真名，我说，约翰，你需要停止向每个人大声报出你的职位。

I remember telling him, I said, John, not his name, I said, John, you need to stop shouting out your job title to everyone.

你需要停止吹牛，停止炫耀人脉。

You need to stop bragging, name dropping.

这真的让人很反感。

It's really putting people off.

我解释了原因。

And I explained why.

他接受了我的建议，也同意了。

And he took what I said on board and he agreed.

他明白我为什么这么说，但没过几个月，他又老毛病犯了。

He understood why I said it, but within months he was back to his old ways.

这时我才明白，对任何人的自我认知来说，最大的风险就是他们自己的不安全感，以及那种脆弱感，让他们一直处于自我防卫的状态。

And this is when I learned that the biggest risk to anyone's self awareness is their own insecurities and their own feelings of vulnerability that have them trapped in self defense.

这种防卫心理会让他们封闭起来，无法接受新信息，也无法做出相应的调整。

And this feeling to defend shuts them down and their ability to take on new information and adapt accordingly.

要想有自我认知，要想前进，还是得直面自己的问题，直面自己的创伤，直面自己的困扰，直面发生在我们身上的事情。

To be self aware, to move forward, once again, have to attack our own bullshit, attack our own trauma, attack our own issues, attack the things that happen to us.

因为如果我们一直处于防卫状态，就无法前进。

Because we cannot move forward while we're playing defense.

我们必须学会客观地看待自己。

We have to learn how to look at ourselves objectively.

这说起来容易做起来难。

This is much easier said than done.

但有一个方法可以做到，我自己就是通过写日记，或者像这样开一个播客，来研究自己，表扬和批评自己的各个方面。

But one way you can do that, one way that I do that is by keeping a diary, By starting a podcast look like just like this one, where I study myself and I praise and I criticize all aspects of myself.

我一周中的决定，哪些地方本可以做得更好，我的决定带来的影响，以及我引以为豪和不太自豪的行为。

My decisions throughout the week, where I could have done better, the impact my decisions had, and the behavior that I am proud and not so proud of.

决定你想成为什么样的人，想成为哪种类型的人。

Decide who you want to be, what type of person you want to be.

写下你自己的心理或书面宣言。

Write your own little mental or physical manifesto.

这样当你评估自己时，这个宣言就作为你价值观的基准，你可以用它来判断自己是成功还是失败。

So when you do assess yourself, So this manifesto acts as that benchmark of your values, and you can use it to decide whether you succeeded or failed.

我知道我想成为什么样的人。

I know the type of person I want to be.

你会反复听到我在现实生活中、播客里和网上说，我做了某件事，但那不是我想要成为的那种人。

You'll repeatedly hear me saying in real life and on podcasts and online, I did x and that's not the type of person that I want to be.

我在这个播客里详细讲过自己过去的错误。

I've talked at length on this podcast about my mistakes historically.

我经常总结说，那不是我想要成为的人，因为我很清楚自己想要成为什么样的人。

And I've said often as a conclusion, that's not the person I want to be because I'm crystal crystal clear on who I want to be.

这对自我认知来说至关重要。

And that's integral to self awareness.

你必须知道自己要朝着什么目标努力。

You have to know what you're aiming at.

说实话，也许最重要的一点，尤其是在爱情、职业追求和抱负方面，就是真诚地寻求客观的反馈。

And honestly, maybe the most important point, especially as it relates to love and professional endeavors and ambitions, honestly, seek truly objective feedback.

你需要为自己创造一个没有私心、没有偏见的反馈空间。

You have to create a safe space for agenda free feedback.

这对我们每个人来说都极其困难，对我、对你、对所有人都是如此。

This is incredibly hard to do for me, for you, for all of us.

你知道吗，我们很多人宁愿对自己的缺点视而不见，也不愿意意识到它们，然后觉得自己不如别人，包括我在内。

You know, because many of us would rather be ignorant to our faults than to be aware of them and therefore feel less than, including me.

包括我。

Including me.

但是想象一下，如果我们一直寻求诚实的反馈，我们在人际关系和工作中会取得多大的成功。

But imagine how much more success we would have had in our relationships, at work, if we continually sought out honest feedback.

你们中有多少人会向伴侣寻求反馈？

How many of you are asking for feedback from your partner?

你们中有多少人会向经理、同事、团队寻求反馈？

How many of you are asking for feedback from your manager, from your colleagues, from your team?

看在上帝的份上，当你得到反馈时，当你找到一个愿意给你诚实、无目的反馈的人时，你必须为了学习而倾听，而不是为了辩解而倾听。

For the love of God, when you get feedback, when you find someone that is willing to give you honest, agenda free feedback, you have to listen to learn, not listen to justify.

这是我有时会不断犯的错误。

This is the mistake I continually find myself making sometimes.

当别人给我反馈时，我会试图向他们解释我为什么那样做或那样想，但这不是反馈应该有的方式。

When someone's giving me feedback, I'll try and explain to them why I did that or why I thought that, but that's not how feedback should work.

我这是在吓唬证人。

What I'm doing is I'm intimidating the witness.

有人发现了问题，给我反馈，而我们却急着辩解，想证明自己，这样一来反而掩盖了反馈的真实含义。

Someone has spotted something, they're giving me feedback on it, and what we do is we try and jump to justify that, to try and prove ourselves, and in doing so we're suppressing the true nature of that feedback.

当我们这么做的时候，对方看到反馈没有引起情绪反应，就会稍微调整他们的反馈。

And what will happen when we do that, when the person sees that their feedback is hasn't elicited an emotional response, is the person giving the feedback will slightly change the feedback.

他们会把话说得委婉一些，因为，你知道，我们的自尊心或者其他什么受不了。

They'll soften it because, know, our ego or whatever couldn't deal with it.

闭嘴，好好听着。

Just shut the fuck up and listen.

我对自己说，闭嘴，好好听着。

And I'm saying this to myself, just shut the fuck up and listen.

如果有人要给你反馈，别插嘴辩解，就好好听着。

If someone has some feedback to give you, without interjecting to justify, just fucking listen.

我清楚地记得几年前的一个时刻，我和一个经理坐在一起，他在给团队成员反馈，非常重要的反馈，而那个接受反馈的人直接说“不”。

I remember very vividly one particular moment a couple years ago, I was sat with a manager and he was giving feedback to a member of his team, a very important feedback, and the person that was receiving the feedback just went nope.

真的就是直接拒绝接收。

Literally just went nope.

结果那位经理再也不舒服地给那个人提意见了，因为对方不是在听进去学习，而是在找理由辩解、反驳或者争辩。

And what happened is that manager no longer felt comfortable giving that person feedback because they weren't listening to learn, were listening to justify or to rebuttal or to argue.

所以那人后来再也没收到过任何反馈，不幸的是，最后他被开除了。

So they didn't get any more feedback and unfortunately that person ended up being fired.

这真的太重要了。

It's so important.

如果你更在乎自己的未来、事业上的成功，以及拥有健康且充满爱的关系，并且把这些看得比用自尊心去自我防卫更重要，那么你就能做到这一点。

If you care more about your future, about the success in your career, about having healthy loving relationships, and you care more about that than your ego in playing self defense, then, you'll be someone that can succeed at this.

这也是我确实想改进的地方，因为我感觉到每当收到非常尖锐的反馈时，我就会下意识地想要为自己辩解。

And it's something I I definitely wanna get better at because I feel myself jumping to justify whenever I get really critical feedback.

我会持续跟进这件事，因为我觉得它非常重要。

I'm gonna keep you updated on this one because I think it's so important.

你不需要玩那些套路也能找到真爱。

You don't have to play games to find love.

我年轻的时候，十四五岁、十五六岁那会儿，只要哪个女孩对我表现出一点兴趣，我就老跟人家玩欲擒故纵的把戏。

When I was younger, 14, 15, 16 years old, I used to continually play games with any girl that showed any interest in me whatsoever.

我会掐着时间算自己多久不回她们消息。

I would time the amount of time I spent not responding to them.

我有时候故意不回，因为我觉得这样会让她们更想我。

I would sometimes not respond because I thought it would make them want me more.

我玩过所有这些幼稚得要死的把戏，还试图塑造一个形象什么的，因为我觉得那样会让她们喜欢我。

I played all these fucking childish games and tried to create an image of myself and all of these things because I thought that that would make them want me.

而且我身边有非常明确的例子，我相信我们每个人的朋友圈里都有这样的人，他们为了让人喜欢自己，就干脆撒谎，掩盖真实的自己。

And I've got very clear case studies, as I'm sure we all have in our friendship groups, of people that literally lie about the true nature of themselves to get people to like them.

他们会夸大自己的成就。

They lie about their level of success.

他们为了吸引另一半，会装出一副假面孔。

They try and put a false foot forward in the pursuit of attracting a partner.

在爱情和感情里玩套路，本质上就是一种操控。

Gameplaying in love and in relationships is just a form of manipulation.

如果你打算和一个人长久走下去，把操控当作爱情策略是行不通的。

And if you're going to go the distance with someone, manipulation as a love strategy is not sustainable.

你不可能操控一个人四十年或五十年。

You can't manipulate someone for forty or fifty years.

操控不是爱。

Manipulation isn't love.

它很伤人。

It's hurtful.

对你自己和对对方来说，这都是极其耗神的。

And for you and for them, it's tremendously exhausting.

我们常常玩这些把戏，是因为我们缺乏安全感。

We often play games because we're insecure.

我们担心自己真实的、你知道的，那种黏人、不安、不完美的样子，可能不足以吸引对方。

We're insecure that our true, you know, needy ass, insecure, imperfect selves might not be compelling enough for a partner.

所以我们觉得必须假装成另一个人。

So we think that we're gonna have to pretend we're someone we're not.

我们得玩点把戏。

We're gonna have to play games.

我们得操控他们，让他们喜欢我们。

We're gonna have to manipulate them to persuade them to like us.

当你玩把戏时，你展示给别人的是一个不是真实的你。

When you play games, you're presenting a version of you to someone that is not you.

这意味着，如果你真的用这个假版本吸引到了某人，最终他们喜欢的是一个不真实的、假的你。

That means that if you do succeed in attracting someone to this fake version of you, ultimately, they're attracted to an inauthentic fake version of you.

所以，从定义上说，他们并不是真的喜欢你。

Therefore, it means by definition that they are not attracted to you.

从定义上说，他们和你在一起的理由是错误的。

It means by definition that they are with you for the wrong reasons.

因为唯一正确的理由就是，他们是因为你这个人本身而和你在一起。

Because the only possible right reason someone could be with you is for you, for who you are.

而且，要一直装成另一个人是不可能的。

And it's impossible to be consistent in keeping up an act of being someone you're not.