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如果我容易生气，那就容易被人操控。
If I'm easily offended, I'm easily manipulated.
所以如果你是个一碰就炸的人，第一条规矩：闭上嘴。
So if you are that person where you are reactive, reactive, reactive, rule number one, shut the fuck up.
因为如果你想被人尊重，就得先管好自己。
Because if you're looking to be respected, you need to manage yourself.
但确实有时候，别人会越界，不把你放在眼里。
But there are times that people are gonna cross you and disrespect you.
那你怎么应对这种情况？
Well, how do you deal with it?
之前有个给情报部门的建议，特别特别管用，对付人的时候很有帮助。
So there was a guidepost that's talked to the intelligence communities, it really, really helps when you're dealing with people.
所以对付这种行为，其中一个办法是
And so one of the ways you deal with that kind of behavior is
埃维·普姆普拉斯。
Evy Poumpouras.
这位前特勤局特工如今已成为研究人类行为的专家。
The former Secret Service agent turned human behavior expert.
从保护总统到审讯世界上最危险的罪犯。
From protecting presidents to interrogating the world's most dangerous men.
她现在教人们如何培养心理韧性与说服力沟通技巧。
She now teaches people how to develop mental strength and persuasive communication skills.
特勤局当初是怎么训练你，让你拥有如此强大的心理基础的？
How did they train you as a Secret Service agent to have that strong mental foundation that you have?
有很多方面。
There's a lot of things.
首先，阻碍大多数人的一大障碍，就是觉得自己很特别。
So first, one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special.
你其实没那么特别。
You're not that special.
比如，我在早上九点十一分时就是第一批赶到现场的人。
For example, I was one of the first responders at 09:11.
我亲眼看着成千上万的人死去。
I watched thousands of people die.
支撑我走过那段艰难时光的一个关键，是明白我并不孤单。
And one of the things that got me through it was understanding I wasn't alone in it.
当你意识到自己能够克服任何困境时，你就会发现，如果总觉得自己没人理解、没人能帮上忙，那其实只是因为你把自己孤立起来了。
And when you learn that you can get through anything, when you tell yourself nobody knows what I'm going through, nobody can help you because it's just you going through it.
接下来要说的是，最重要的一点是我们常常忽略的工具——我们的身体。
Now the next thing, what's most important is this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body.
有一项研究，他们开始记录人们走路的样子。
And there's a study where they started recording people walking.
然后他们把这些录像给有犯罪记录的人看，问他们：你会选谁当猎物？
Then they laid it to convicted felons, they said to them, who would you pick as prey?
他们都选了同一些人。
They all picked the same people.
所以，你可以通过手势、声音和坐姿这些简单的方式来做些调整，我会把一切都告诉你。
They were So there are simple things you can do with your hands, your voice, how you sit, and I will tell you everything.
不过，还有另一个挺有意思的点，虽然你没问，但我还是主动提一下，就是怎么判断别人有没有在说实话。
But, also, the other thing that's actually interesting, which you didn't ask, but I will volunteer this information, are the strategies to tell if somebody's being truthful or not.
这算是测谎入门课吧。
And it's that's lie detection one zero one.
我发现特别有意思的一点是，当我们查看 Spotify 和 Apple 后台以及音频频道的数据时，发现收听这档播客的大多数人还没有点击关注或订阅按钮，不管你在哪个平台听。
I find it incredibly fascinating that when we look at the back end of Spotify and Apple and our audio channels, the majority of people that watch this podcast haven't yet hit the follow button or the subscribe button wherever you're listening to this.
我想跟你们做个约定。
I would like to make a deal with you.
如果能帮个忙，点个订阅按钮，我会从今往后一直不懈努力，让这档节目变得越来越好。
If you could do me a huge favor and hit that subscribe button, I will work tirelessly from now until forever to make the show better and better and better and better.
真的，你们点了订阅，对我的帮助太大了。
I can't tell you how much it helps when you hit that subscribe button.
节目人气高了，我们就能扩大制作规模，邀请更多大家想看的嘉宾，继续做我们热爱的这件事。
The show gets bigger which means we can expand the production, bring in all the guests you want to see and continue to doing this thing we love.
要是能再帮个小忙，在你们收听的平台点个关注，那对我来说意义非凡。
If you could do me that small favor and hit the follow button wherever you're listening to this, that would mean the world to me.
这将是我唯一一次向你们提出的要求。
That is the only favor I will ever ask you.
非常感谢你抽出时间。
Thank you so much for your time.
我们继续回到这一期节目。
Back to this episode.
埃维·普姆普拉丝，当你回顾自己写过的书、制作的内容，以及你为人们所做的一切时，用你自己的话来说，你该如何概括或定义这一切呢？
Evy Poumpouras, when you think about the books that you've written, the content you produce, and all that you're fundamentally doing for people, in your own words, how do you summarize or define that?
你觉得自己通过这些内容、这些书，究竟在为人们做些什么？
What is it that you think you're doing for people with the content, the books you've written, etcetera?
这是个很好的问题，但我也不确定有没有一个清晰的答案。
It's a great question, and I don't know if I have a clear answer.
我一直都在想，我该怎么更好地帮助别人。
I think always, I think about how am I serving other people.
我总是回到这一点上。
I always go back to that.
我记得写《成为坚不可摧》这本书的时候，原本计划在疫情最严重的时候上市。
I remember even when I wrote my book Becoming Bulletproof, actually, my book was supposed to launch right at the height of COVID.
那时候整个世界都在停摆。
I mean, it's when the world was shutting down.
我记得当时有公关、经纪人、出版社，所有人都跟我说：‘你知道吗，现在疫情这么严重。’
And I remember I had a PR person, my agent, the publishers, everyone's like, Hey, you know, this COVID thing is happening.
所有的媒体宣传和热闹场面全都没了。
All the media tour glitz went away.
要不咱们把书的发布推迟一下？
Why don't we postpone the launch of the book?
当时没人建议我按原计划发布这本书。
And nobody was advising me to launch the book.
一个都没有。
Nobody.
所有人都说：别发，别发。
Everyone's like, don't do it, don't do it.
我记得我当时就想，算了，我得把外面的声音都关掉。
And I remember I was like, all right, I need to kind of tune everybody out.
于是我停下来问自己：我为什么要写这本书？
And I paused and I thought to myself, Why did I write this book?
我写这本书，是为了帮助别人。
I wrote this book to help people.
既然目标是帮人变得更坚韧，让他们少点恐惧，那现在这个世界恰恰最需要这个。
Okay, so if the goal is to help people, make them more resilient, help them live less fearlessly, the world right now is in a state of fear.
所以如果按这个原则来，我现在就该把书推出来。
So if I follow that principle, then right now I should launch the book.
我记得，尽管所有人都劝我别急，我还是坚持出版了。
And I remember, against everybody's advisement, I launched it.
当你收到私信时，人们找你最核心的诉求是什么？
And when you get DMs from people in private messages, what is the essence of what they're coming to you for?
让我没想到的是，书出来后，很多人来信说，我正面临这样的问题。
So I was surprised with my book where people began writing in, I'm dealing with this problem.
你的书帮我找到了出路。
Your book helped me find a way out.
或者，我正面临这个问题。
Or, I'm dealing with this.
你能给我一些建议，告诉我该怎么应对吗？
Can you give me guidance on how to deal with it?
他们最根本的困扰是什么？
What is the essence of what they're struggling with?
一直都是他们自己。
It's always themselves.
不是外界的环境。
It's not the world around you.
我明白一部分原因，但几乎总是我们自己出了问题。
I get it to some extent, but it's almost always we're the problem.
要么是我们自己搞砸了，要么是自己挡了自己的路，要么是我们做了错误的决定，或者干脆觉得‘我什么都没做错’。
We either sabotage ourselves, we get in the way, we make decisions, or we think, I didn't do anything.
一切都有因果关系。
Everything's cause and effect.
只要你做出行动或不行动，都会带来相应的后果。
Any time you say do act or don't act, it has a consequence or an effect to it.
有时候我们对这些太漫不经心了。
And I think sometimes we're so blase about it.
在西方世界，科学研究表明，我们常常轻视自己的问题。
In the Western world, the science shows that we actually downplay our faults.
犯了错也没多大事儿。
When we make a mistake, it's not that big of a deal.
我们总是把问题往轻了说。
We downplay our stuff.
却反过来夸大自己的优点。
And we actually lift up our positive attributes.
这倒也没错，但得有个度——如果你一味淡化问题、淡化自己的责任、淡化自己的选择，那你就等于放弃了主动权，只会怪罪外界。
It's okay, but to a point, because when you downplay things and you downplay your involvement, you downplay your choices, you downplay what role you play in your life, then you can't you really are essentially powerless, and you're blaming the world.
我不是说别人不会伤害你。
And I'm not saying that other people can't harm you.
他们确实会。
They will.
他们肯定会这么做。
They just will.
我觉得，如果人们能接受这样一个事实：外面确实存在坏人，有些是我认识的，有些我不认识，而且为了追求自身利益，这些人会做出伤害我的选择。
I think if people make peace with the fact that there are bad actors out there some I know, some I don't know and in pursuit of their self interest, people are going to make choices that hurt me.
没错。
Period.
绝对如此。
Bar none.
就这样。
The end.
如果你能接受并理解这一点，你就会过得很好，因为你的觉知力会更强。
If you can live with that and understand that, you will be okay because you just have more awareness.
其实我做测谎的时候，审讯室里，我 interview 了太多人，通常都是那些我们怀疑犯罪的嫌疑人。
In fact, when I did polygraphs, the interview room, after I interviewed so many people and typically I would interview suspects, people that we suspected committing a crime.
就是测谎仪。
Lie detector tests.
测谎仪。
Lie detector tests.
但我才是测谎的人，不是那台机器。
But I was a lie detector, not the machine.
很多人以为一连上那设备就行。
A lot of people think you hook that thing up.
叮一声，就知道他在撒谎。
Oh, ping, they're lying.
不是这样的。
No.
你得坐在那儿，观察人，读懂人。
Like, you sit there, you assess people, you read people.
测谎仪的作用是，当你向一个人提出一系列问题时——比如我给史蒂文连上设备，问他几个问题，然后观察他的自主神经系统有什么反应。
What the polygraph does is it tells you when you ask a series of questions to this person I hook Steven up, I ask him a series of several questions I look to see what Steven's autonomic nervous system is doing.
心跳，对吧？
Heartbeat, right?
它会不会发生变化？
Does that change?
皮肤电反应，也就是你出多少汗。
Your electrodermal activity, how much you sweat.
你的呼吸方式，呼吸的节奏。
Your breathing, the way you breathe.
所以这才需要血压计。
So that's why you have the blood pressure cuff.
还有皮肤电极，专门检测出汗情况。
You have the electrodermal plates, which actually look at sweating.
这些变化你根本察觉不到，但电极能捕捉到出汗的细微变化，还有呼吸的改变。
You won't it's imperceptible to you, but the plates will pick up sweating the sweating activity, the change in breathing.
所以当我问你一系列问题时，我会留意你的身体在这些问题中的反应变化。
So if I'm asking you a series of questions, I'm looking at how your body deviates during those questions.
你身上还会贴传感器，因为有些人会试图欺骗测谎仪，所以我们得用传感器来判断他们有没有做小动作。
You even have sensors because sometimes people try to beat the polygraph, and so there's sensor pads that we have to see if they're doing certain movements or not.
我个人觉得，根本骗不了它。
I personally don't think you can beat it.
但话说回来，这个测试本身其实没什么意义。
But again, the test itself means nothing.
它不能在法庭上当证据使用。
You can't take it to court.
你不能跟法官说：法官，他测谎没通过。
You can't say, Judge, they failed their polygraph.
这东西根本不是干这个用的。
That's not what it's there for.
它的作用是帮我们获取更多信息。
It's there to get more information.
想想看，你撒谎的时候，你真正是在评判谁？
And look, who are you if you're lying, who are you really in judgment of?
是你自己。
Yourself.
所以你的身体才会做出反应。
That's why your body's reacting.
刚才你提到，受害者为什么会一直当受害者。
A second ago, you talked about how victims stay victims.
而成为内心坚韧的人，是因为不管我们怎么努力，坏事总会发生。
And this whole idea of becoming a bulletproof person because regardless of what we do in our lives, bad things are gonna happen.
我们会遇到自恋者，遇到想占我们便宜的人。
We're gonna encounter narcissists and people that are looking to take advantage of us.
你需要展现出一种心理上的韧性。
There's a certain mental fortitude that you exude.
你身上要散发出一种内在的坚定和力量，这真的特别重要，因为只要你内心足够稳固，今天我们聊的其他所有事情，都会变得容易得多，也更有可能实现。
You you exude a certain type of mental resilience and strength, what is the you know, and I think that's really critical because if you have that strong internal foundation, then all everything else we're probably gonna talk about today becomes much easier and possible.
但如果没有这个坚实的基础，风一吹，房子就倒了。
But without that, like, strong foundation, when the wind blows, the house falls over.
如果我们想想建立这种强大心理韧性的第一步，也就是你提到的那种基础，一个人该从哪里开始呢？
If we think about step one in building that strong mental fortitude foundation that you have, where does one begin?
尤其是当我们从一个非常糟糕的起点开始时。
And especially if we're beginning from a very, very bad place.
我们是从一种受害者的状态出发的。
We're beginning from a place of victimhood.
坏事已经发生了。
Bad things have happened.
我们并不是最有自信的人。
We're not the most confident person.
这得从你身边的人开始。
It starts with who's around you.
这就是起点。
That's where it starts.
只要身边有人支持，任何人都能摆脱受害者心态，真的谁都可以。
If you have people around you, anybody can break victimhood, like anybody can.
你也可以。
You can.
所以我想把这个观点摆出来。
So I want to put that out there.
就算你被困在某种处境里，也不代表你必须一直待在那儿。
Just because you're locked in a place doesn't mean you have to stay in there.
你可以的。
You can.
但通常情况下，如果你被困在某个地方，那是因为你周围的环境系统——其中一部分也是你参与创建并维持的——我们并非完全无辜，我们都扮演了一定的角色。这个围绕你的系统让你这样想，它把你关进了无形的牢笼。
But usually, if you're locked in somewhere, it's because the system you have around you that you also helped create and perpetuate to some degree, we're not completely innocent, we play a role, the system that is built around you keeps you think of it this way it keeps you in jail.
所以你得审视一下自己的环境，问问自己：到底是什么在把我困在这里？
So you have to look at your environment and say, What about my environment is keeping me here?
通常来说，是一个人，或者几个人。
Usually, it's a person or people.
希望只有一个，别碰上好几个。
Hopefully, it's one, and you're not dealing with multiple.
有时候是家人，尤其是当你面对儿童相关的犯罪和虐待时。
Now, it can be family, and that's where when you deal with children and you deal with certain crimes and abuse.
我一直觉得，孩子真的是最无辜的，他们太脆弱了，生活完全依赖大人。
I always feel like the one population of people that truly have I don't want to say excuse, but it's really not their fault are kids, because they're just so vulnerable and they rely on you for their livelihood.
他们需要人喂饭、穿衣、照顾，没有别人根本活不下去。
They need somebody to feed them, clothe them, take care of them, they can't survive.
但随着你长大、成熟，就得看看周围了——谁在你身边？谁在困住你？
However, as you age, right, as you mature, it's looking at your environment, who's around me, and who is keeping me here.
是谁。
Who.
你知道最难的是什么吗？
And you know what becomes hard?
难就难在，你生活中可能会遇到一个‘坏人’。
It becomes hard because you'll have a let's say, I'm going to use this term bad actor in your life.
这个坏家伙可能是妈妈、爸爸、兄弟姐妹或者哥哥。
That bad actor can be mom, dad, sibling, brother.
也可能是任何人。
It can be anybody.
你可能很爱这个坏家伙。
You can love that bad actor.
但那个人的选择和行为会对你产生影响。
But the choices and the things that that person does impacts you.
这会让你更容易受到伤害。
It makes you more vulnerable.
哪怕只看犯罪这一项，相关的研究其实已经做了不少。
Even you just look at crime, they've done a lot of different studies.
研究发现，就算你自己不犯罪，但如果你身边都是犯罪的人，你被枪击的概率会比其他人群都高。
And what they found is even, let's say, if I don't commit crime, but I'm around other people who commit crime, I am more likely to be shot than any other population of people.
你本人可能压根就没参与任何违法的勾当。
I could not be involved in any nefarious activity at all.
我本人可以很干净。
I could be clean.
但仅仅因为和谁来往，就让我更容易成为受害者。
But simply because of who I associate with, that makes me more vulnerable to becoming a victim.
所以问题就从这儿开始。
So that's where you start.
你身边都是些什么人？
Who's around you?
还有其他非常重要的事：不管你选谁当伴侣，这都至关重要。
Now, other really important things: whoever you pick for your companion, if you have one, it's huge.
这个伴侣要么拉你向上，要么拖你下水。
That companion's either going to raise you up or they're going to sink your ship down.
这在现实生活中也是这样吗？
And is that in the real world?
比如最好的朋友、丈夫或妻子？
Best friends, husbands, wives?
如果非要排个序的话，我会说首先是亲密伴侣，不管对你来说具体是指谁。
If we're talking, I would say first intimate partner, whatever that is to you.
丈夫、妻子、男朋友、女朋友，或者任何你定义的伴侣关系。
Husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever that is, companion.
这排第一，因为这就是伴侣和朋友的区别所在。
That's number one because that's the person here's the difference between a partner and a friend.
你的朋友会回他们自己的家。
Your friend goes to their home.
你回到家里。
You go to your home.
伴侣或者另一半，你们大概率住在一起。
A companion or partner, you probably live with them.
这意味着你跟他们接触得非常多，所以你得确保这个人没有把你的生活搞砸。
That means you are so overly exposed to that person, and you need to make damn well sure that that person is not contaminating your life.
你依然可以爱他们，但你要退一步看看，这里有个问题，就是他们的某些东西正在污染你的生活。
You can still love them, but you can step back and look at, there's a problem here, that this person's stuff is contaminating my life.
这对很多人来说很难，因为你跟一个人在一起，就是因为觉得‘我是和Evy在一起的，但Evy是这样的，也是那样的’。
And it's a hard thing to do for folks because this is why you're with someone, it's like, Okay, I'm with Evy, but Evy is this and Evy is that.
于是你就开始把我的身份和我的行为混在一起了。
And so you start to blend my identity with my behavior.
时间一长，如果你是个糟糕的伴侣，你也会觉得那些行为很正常。
And then over the time, too, you normalize the things I do if I'm a bad actor.
Evy不是故意的。
Well, Evy didn't mean it.
她一向脾气急。
She's always hot headed.
她这个人是这样，但她也给我做了好多暖心的事啊。
You know, she's this, but she did all these nice things for me here.
结果我们就忽略了那些问题。
And then what we do is we miss stuff.
所以你去看别人的关系时，反而更容易发现：这儿有问题，那儿也有问题，因为你没被情感牵绊，不会被蒙蔽。
That's why it's easier for you to look at somebody else's relationship and be like, hey, problem here, problem here, problem here, you are not tainted by the emotional aspect of being tied to that person.
你能客观地看待他们。
You're able to look at them objectively.
这就是为什么，不管怎样，给别人提建议总是很容易。
This is why, by or not, it's easy to give other people advice.
我能看出这个人身上的警示信号和问题。
I can see the red flags and the issues in this person.
但当你身在其中时，就看不出来了。
When you're in it, you can't.
这很难。
It's hard.
所以我也想说，人们可能不太愿意听这个。
So I would also venture to say, people may not like this.
如果你和一个人在一起，而身边有真正关心你、爱你的人告诉你：‘这人不适合你’，那我劝你，好好听进去。
If you're with someone and there are people around you that you know legitimately care and love you, and they're telling you, hey, not the best thing for you, I would say, please listen.
因为他们看到的东西，可能是你忽略的。
Because they are seeing something that you might not be seeing.
你觉得人们其实心里都明白吗？
Do you think people just tend to know?
就是直觉上早就感觉不对了，但还是找理由替对方开脱，甚至不知不觉骗了自己。
Like, in their gut, tend to know, but they justify the person's behavior and they almost kind of gaslight themselves to some degree.
他们会说，也许没那么严重。
They say, well, maybe not.
也许这样也还好。
Maybe that's fine.
也许他真是个朋友。
Maybe they are a friend.
也许他这么做是为我好。
Maybe they're they're just doing that for my best interest.
但实际上，那个有问题的人只是在满足自己的需求，一边操控你，一边你还在自我欺骗。
Whereas really that bad actor is acting in their interests and kind of gaslighting you, and then you're gaslighting yourself.
我觉得一个人不可能一夜之间就从完全正常变成彻底失控。
I think it's one thing is you don't go from zero to 100 overnight.
当你身处一段关系中，周围都是那种人时，一开始你是看不出来的，对吧？
When you're in a relationship where you're with around people who are like that, in the beginning, you don't see it, right?
大家刚开始都会表现得最好。
Everyone's got their best behavior.
但时间久了，你就会开始看到一些蛛丝马迹，一些 previews。
But over time, you'll start to see little sneak peeks, little previews.
你要关注的就是这些 previews。
And it's those previews you want to pay attention to.
我们倾向于先假设别人是好的。
We like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
我们会听他们找的各种借口。
We listen to the excuses that they give us.
你知道古希腊有句名言，说别只听对手怎么说。
And you know, there's this ancient Greek saying that says, Don't listen to your opponent.
要看他们怎么做。
Look at them.
它会告诉你一切。
It will tell you everything.
当我说要观察他们时，我是让你看他们实际做了什么。
And when I say look at them, look at what people do.
我要你把他们嘴上说的话都抛到一边。
I need you to drum out what they're telling you.
我要你把他们的道歉都抛到一边，因为他们可能并不是真心的。
I need you to drum out their I am sorrys because they probably are.
他们伤害了你，而且可能真的感到抱歉。
They've hurt you and they are probably genuinely sorry.
但这不是重点。
That's not the point.
重点是，你打算什么时候吸取教训？
The point is, when do you want to learn your lesson?
是在一开始，还是在最后？
In the beginning or at the end?
到最后，有时候真的会特别特别难。
And at the end, sometimes it's very, very, very hard.
你知道吗，我建了一个社群，是在我出完书之后开始的，等人们开始给我写信，我就想，诶，不如我干脆搞个社群吧。
You know, I have a community, and I started after I did the book, and when people started writing in, I said, You know what?
我就建了这个社群。
Let me do this community.
我给它取名叫《超越防弹》，谁想加入都可以。
I'll call it Beyond the Bulletproof and whoever signs up.
两年下来，我有了八百个成员，很多人带着各种情况进来，他们描述的问题几乎都一样——总有个和自己关系密切的人，一直在拖垮他们，拖得他们喘不过气。
And two years in, I have 800 members, and a lot of people come in with different scenarios, and they'll come in with and it's almost always the scenario they come in with, if there's something like this, it's somebody that they're tied to that's just sinking them, sinking them.
有时候，其实拖垮别人的人，正是他们自己，却还以为是别人在害他们。
And sometimes, they're the sinker, and they think it's the other person.
所以有时候，你才是那个有问题的人，自己还一点都没意识到。
So sometimes you're the bad actor, and you don't even realize it.
所以你得先弄清楚两件事。
So you need to figure out two things.
是我自己在做那些不仅伤害自己、还伤害别人的事，并且为了追求个人利益，我给自己找了各种借口？还是说我被某个把我往下拉的人绑住了？
Am I the one doing things that's not just hurting myself but other people, but I've justified it to myself in pursuit of whatever self interest I have, or am I tied to someone who's pulling me down?
史蒂文，我跟你说句实话。
I'm gonna tell you something, Steven.
我见过很多人，他们做过各种各样的事，有的罪大恶极，有的没那么严重。
I sat across people who did a lot of different things, some serious crimes, some not so serious.
每一个人都给自己做了充分的解释，说明自己为什么那么做。
Every single person sold it to themself why they did what they did.
我们总是站在卖方的立场。
We're sellers.
只要我想，我总能给自己找到各种理由。
I can justify anything to myself if I want to.
他们把自己变成了，我想，处境的受害者。
They were turning themselves into, I guess, victims of situations
比如，为什么他会那样做？
like Why did do that?
你知道吗，好人也会做错事。
Well, you know, good people make bad choices.
好人也会犯错。
Good people make mistakes.
问题是，有时候这些错误的后果会持续很久。
The problem is sometimes the consequences of those mistakes, they last.
你没法为任何人担保，因为你不知道他们在人后是什么样子。
But you can't vouch for anybody because you don't know who people are behind closed doors.
你真的不知道。
You don't.
再者，只要有机会，任何人都可能在任何时候做出任何事。
And two, anybody is capable of anything at any given moment in time if given the opportunity.
如果你明白这一点，就不会对任何人或任何事感到惊讶或震惊。
If you understand that, you will not be surprised or shocked by anything or anyone.
这并不是说人们对人性的看法很阴暗。
It's not that it's a morbid view of people.
人都是可以被影响的，容易受外界左右，只是程度不同而已。
It's understanding people are malleable, they're susceptible, some more than others.
有些人可能更有原则，或者说，也不完全是原则的问题。
Some may have either stronger integrity or more I don't even think it's integrity.
就是他们更能把握住自己，心里清楚：不行，这事我不能做。
It's just a stronger hold on themselves to say, yes, I won't do this.
不行，这事我绝对不干。
No, I won't do this.
但也有些人更容易被影响。
And then some people are a bit more malleable.
对他们来说，说服起来更容易。
Like, it's easier to get to them.
操纵起来也更简单。
It's easier to manipulate them.
更容易让他们去做一些原本不会做的事。
It's easier to mold them to do other things.
让他们朝某个方向倾斜也更容易。
It's easier to get them to sway in a direction.
但如果你明白这一点，你就懂了人的行为。
But if you understand that, then you understand human behavior.
这里面有很多值得探讨的地方。
There's so many things of interest there.
我记得，回到你之前说的环境对人影响很大的观点，我读过一个叫迈克尔·霍斯曼的研究，还有哈佛大学的一项研究，结果显示，哪怕你在工作中旁边坐了个负面情绪重、行为不端的人，你自己也更容易跟着做出类似的行为。
I remember, if we go back to the top of your point around your environment and people having a huge impact on your life, I remember reading a study by a guy called Michael Houseman and another study done done at Harvard University where they showed that even if at work you sit next to someone who is toxic and does bad practice at work, your chance of doing bad practice yourself radically increases.
有些情况下，这种可能性会高出百分之二十五。
And in some cases, that's by twenty five percent.
在其他环境中，甚至可能高出百分之百。
In another environment, that's up to a hundred percent.
你仅仅因为坐在那个人旁边，就更可能被记过处分。
Your your probability of then getting a disciplinary against you just because you sat next to that person radically increases.
这说明，你的环境对你产生的影响确实巨大，无论好坏。
And this is, I think reinforces the case that your environment is has such a powerful and profound impact on you for better or for worse.
我觉得，往好的方面影响这一点也值得停下来好好想想。
And I think the for better part is also worth pausing on.
因为如果你身边坐着的人，或者你周围的人是那种能托举你、提升你，让你相信世界是可以塑造的、你什么都能做到的人——就像我自己在生活中偶尔经历的那样——
Because if you're sitting with and you're around people that are lifting you and elevating you and making you believe that the world is malleable and you can do anything, as I've experienced in my own life at times.
这在某种程度上，几乎就像是在重塑你大脑里的神经连接。
It's that that almost, like, rewires the neurons in your brain to some degree.
那你是怎么挑选这些人的呢？
How do you pick people?
比如，你自己是怎么分辨谁适合你、谁不适合你的？
Like, how do you differentiate, on your own, who's good and who's not for you?
你说得对。
Do you know what?
这个问题真的很有意思。
This is a really interesting question.
看感觉。
Vibes.
至于我生活中的其他方面，我可以告诉你，无论是数据科学还是其他领域，这是我的方法论。
And everything else in my life, I'll tell you data science or this or here's my framework.
但生活中有些事儿，我觉得直觉和感觉才是最好的判断标准，前提是你得练就了足够敏锐的感知力。
But there's some things in life which I think your intuition and your vibes, if you've developed the skill of tuning in enough, is the best indicator.
如果你回顾我的职业生涯，18岁退学，甚至16岁就不上学了，20岁时离开了一家发展得很好的公司，27岁又放弃了一家遍布全球、即将进行重大二次上市的公司，等等这些经历。
And if you if you look back through my career, at 18, dropping out of university, even at 16, not going to school, 20 leaving a business that was going really well, and then at 27 quitting a business that was all over the world and about to do this major second IPO, all this stuff.
在所有那些关键时刻，最重要的并不是我的理性分析。
In all of those moments, the most important thing wasn't my prefrontal cortex.
并不是靠逻辑、数据或者金钱。
It wasn't logical facts or figures or the money.
纯粹是我内心的那种感觉，让我觉得不想再做了，因为我不再感到舒服。
It was purely this feeling inside me that I no longer wanted to do this thing because I didn't feel good anymore.
在那一刻，你看起来简直像个疯子。
And in the moment, you look insane.
但如果你把视角拉远，看看一个被内心那种声音真正驱动的人的一生，你就会感叹，天哪。
But when you zoom out on a person's life who's driven by that voice inside, like really driven by it, you go, oh my god.
他们的生活真让人羡慕。
What a life that they have.
太棒了。
Amazing.
看看他们的伴侣、住的地方、拥有的东西，还有那份工作。
Look at look at the girlfriend they have and the place they live and the stuff they have and the job they have.
他们真幸运。
They're so lucky.
但我认为，这一切都始于那种勇气——去倾听内心的声音。
But I actually think it starts with that, like, courage to tune into that voice inside.
这就是我的答案。
So that's my answer.
纯粹是感觉在主导。
It's just pure vibes.
对我来说，人就是一种气场。
People for me are vibes.
就是感觉不太对劲。
Just don't feel good.
不想去了。
Don't wanna go.
还有我当CEO的那些经历，每次我都会想，我不想再干这个了。
And then careers I've had as CEO where I go, I don't like doing this anymore.
那就到此为止吧。
That's that's me done.
还有另一方面，那就是不确定性。
And there's another part, which is on the other end of that is uncertainty.
因为在所有这些情况下，真的没有B计划。
Because in all those situations, there was really no plan B.
也没有好的B计划。
There was no good plan B.
这太有意思了。
That's so interesting.
所以你说的‘感觉’，其实就是你的直觉。
So when you talk about vibes, it's your intuition.
对。
Yeah.
就是你的本能，没得商量。
It's your instinct, bar none.
当我跟人在一起的时候，不管是谁，他们身上都会散发出某种气息。
And it's when I'm around people, like anybody around, they give off something.
但我们往往忽略了自己的感受。
And what we don't do is we don't listen to what we feel.
你当然还能跟对方谈生意、聊天，但当你有那种感觉时——我也有，我会凭感觉走，甚至老实说，连我要上哪个播客节目，都是这么决定的。
You can still do business or talk to someone, but when you feel that, and I do too, I feel my way, even honestly, even whose podcast I'm going to do.
我会想，我不确定喜不喜欢这个氛围，或者我不确定喜不喜欢这个人。
I'm like, I don't know if I like this vibe or I don't know if I like this.
我就凭感觉来。
I just feel it.
我会想，我到底想跟谁待在一起？
I feel like who do I want to be around?
甚至像这种问题，我到底想上谁的播客？
And even something like whose podcast do I want to be on?
因为毕竟是我把自己带进那个空间，对吧？
Because it's I'm bringing myself into a space, right?
那是别人的地盘，感觉一切都紧密相连。
That person's space, it's like it's all interconnected.
所以就像是我在挑选要进入的场合。
So it's like I'm choosing what spaces to go into.
你说得对。
And you're right.
你不需要非得把它说清楚。
You don't have to articulate it to yourself.
我们常常就在这儿出错，比如有人过来跟你打招呼，你心里立马就冒出一种感觉：我就是不喜欢这个人。
And that's where we go wrong often because it's like somebody comes in, they say hi to you, and immediately you're like, I just I don't like this.
但他们并没有对你说什么。
But they didn't say anything to you.
他们也没有对你做什么。
They didn't do anything to you.
你也说不清为什么。
You can't articulate why.
你知道我们通常会怎么做吗？
And you know what we do?
我们直接把它忽略了。
We dismiss it.
我们直接把它忽略了。
We dismiss it.
哦，原来是我自己。
Oh, it's me.
哦，我不该这么想的。
Oh, I shouldn't this.
不是的。
No.
人有两个大脑，对吧？
Got two brains, right?
一个是脑袋里的，另一个在肠胃里。
This one and the gut.
这就是为什么人们管它叫直觉。
That's why they call it your gut instincts.
一直去倾听它。
Listen to it always.
我觉得回到那些心态稳定的人身上，你其实是在谈论是什么让你保持稳定。
And I think going back to people who are steady, you're talking about what makes you steady.
我认为，能让你保持稳定的很大一部分原因，在于信任自己。
I think a big part of what helps make you steady is trusting in yourself.
你必须信任自己，要相信自己。
You have to trust in yourself, like believe in yourself.
我说的信任，是指相信你内心的感受是真实的。
And when I say that, I mean trust that what you're feeling is true.
要听从它，别让别人左右你的判断。
Like listen to it and not let other people talk you out of things.
或者能坦然说：我就是有这种感觉。
Or being able to say, I feel this way.
我不清楚为什么，但我选择相信它。
I don't know why, but I'm going to trust it.
很多时候，甚至每次回头一看，都会觉得：其实我早知道。
And almost, if not all the time, you look back and it's like, I knew better.
我当时就是有这种感觉。
I felt this.
我隐隐约约察觉到了。
I kind of sensed this.
但我没听自己的心。
I didn't listen to myself.
就算你错了，那也就错了。
And if you're wrong, so you're wrong.
这又回到了不确定性的问题上。
And that goes back to uncertainty.
人们害怕犯错。
People are afraid to be wrong.
为什么呢？
Why?
因为怕别人怎么说我，怕我在别人眼里是什么样子。
Because of what other people might say about me, because how I will look to the world.
从这个想法出发，接着就会想，他们一定会抛弃我，然后我就孤单了，再然后我就孤独至死。
And, you know, from there, from that conclusion, you then jump to, and then they will reject me, and then I'll be alone, and then I'll be lonely, then I'll die.
这简直就是一种逻辑上的恶性循环。
That's kind of like the logical downward step.
我总觉得这一点特别有意思。
I always find that interesting.
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我昨天跟女朋友聊了这件事，挺有意思的是，一个想法居然会牵出一连串后续的联想，最后就变成他不爱我了。
I had this conversation with my girlfriend yesterday, which is it's interesting how one belief is actually connected to, like, a string of downstream beliefs that then go to he doesn't love me.
这话题有点跑偏，但我和女朋友正在安排以后一段时间分开的日程。
And this is such a random tangent, but me and my girlfriend were like scheduling our calendar for the future that we're gonna be apart for a little while.
她想把具体的日子都定下来。
So she wanted to like schedule the dates.
我当时正忙别的事，没太认真听她安排日程的事。
And I was like really busy with something, and so I wasn't like paying as much attention to the scheduling conversation.
她就有点不高兴了。
And she got a little bit upset.
我觉得特别有意思，因为我当时心不在焉，她就觉得我不在乎她，进而认为我不爱她了。
And I found it so interesting because the fact that I was half paying attention to the scheduling conversation actually told her that I'm not interested in her, which means I don't love her.
事后我问她：你能跟我说说，当时我那样做，让你感觉怎么样吗？
And and so afterwards, I turned to her I said, can you explain to me, like, how I made you feel in that situation?
然后我就问她：为什么？
And we I went, why?
为什么？
Why?
每次她回答完，我就问为什么。
Every time she answered him, why?
为什么？
Why?
我们一直追问到底。
And we got right down there.
你不爱我了。
You don't love me.
这一切都是从这个小小的起因开始的。
And it all started with this little thing at the top.
我觉得情况也是一样的，如果我做错了什么事，潜意识里就会产生连锁反应，让人觉得我可能会被群体排斥。
And I think the same here where if I do something and it goes wrong, there's like a downstream consequence in someone's subconscious that leads them to think, then I'm gonna be exiled from the tribe.
你明白我的意思吗？
Do you know what I mean?
这才是最根本的原因。
That's like at the root of it.
所以我觉得恐惧，你知道的，我们老是把恐惧和无所畏惧挂在一起。
That's why I think fear, you know, when we you talk so much about fear and becoming fearless.
活得无所畏惧，因为我觉得人不可能真的无所畏惧。
Living fearlessly because I don't think you can be fearless.
对。
Okay.
无所畏惧地生活。
Living fearlessly.
这两者有什么区别？
What's the distinction?
无所畏惧的意思是，我能看清事物的本质。
Fearlessly means I see things.
即使心里害怕，我依然会去尝试。
Despite being afraid, I'm gonna try.
我会尽力去适应它，接受它，哪怕只是一部分。
I'm gonna do my best to, like, live in it, right, and embrace it to some degree.
不管你害怕什么，只要那是你真想做的事，就去追，再想办法实现它。
Whatever you're afraid of, if it's something you want to do, follow it and then figure out a way to do it.
但在过程中感到害怕和不确定，这都没关系。
But it's okay to be afraid and uncertain during the process.
我也说不准。
I don't know.
当我也不确定的时候，我就想，行吧，这事我能想明白。
When I'm uncertain too, I'm thinking, all right, I can figure this out.
只要你不停下来，就不算失败。
You don't fail until you stop.
我是这么看的。
I look at it that way.
就算你一点一点地碰壁，只要还没说‘算了，我不干了’，你就没真正失败。
Like, even if you're failing incrementally, overall you won't fail until you're just like, all right, I'm done.
只要你是因为自己想停下来才结束，那完全没问题。
And as long as you're done because you want to be done, that's cool.
但别因为一直失败、感到迷茫，或者因为别人劝你别做了就放弃。
But you don't want to be done because you keep failing or you're confused or you're leaving because other people are telling you shouldn't be doing it.
你应该是因为自己决定不想再走这条路了。
It's just because you decided, I don't want to be on this path anymore.
我觉得归根结底，这还是要看你自己。
I think it always has come back to you.
我一直秉持这样的想法，我爱我的家人，但他们总是告诉我，要这样做，尤其是因为我的父母是移民。
I've always been in the school of thought, I love my family, but they were always telling me, do this, and especially because my parents were immigrant.
一切都是为了工作稳定。
Everything was job security.
找份好工作。
Get a good job.
找份好工作。
Get a good job.
朝九晚五，找份安稳的工作。
Nine to five, get a good job.
别去折腾别的，因为他们吃过太多苦了。
Don't try to do anything else because they struggled so much.
所以当我尝试跳出这个框架时，他们就很害怕。
And so when I tried to do things outside of that element, they were afraid.
他们也很困惑。
They were confused.
他们觉得我疯了。
They thought I was nuts.
就算我刚开始加入纽约市警察局的时候，他们也一点都不高兴。
Even when I started in the NYPD, they were not happy at all.
他们心想，这算怎么回事？
They're like, What is this?
女孩子是不干这种工作的。
Girls don't do these types of jobs.
就连在我所在的社区里，我也被人嘲笑过。
Even in my community, you know, I was laughed at.
你知道的，大家当时那种反应，就像是在说，哎哟，看看雅妮，她爸的名字叫雅妮。
You know, people kind of were like, oh, look at Yani, who's my dad's name.
看看雅妮的女儿。
Look at Yani's daughter.
看她那副傻样。
Look how silly she is.
你知道，这就是那种时刻，回到你自身，你只需要跟着感觉走。因为事后你会非常懊恼，因为你听了别人的话。
You know, so this is kind of like those moments where you, going back to you just have to do what you feel, Because afterward, you're gonna be pissed off as hell because you listen to other people.
说到你刚才提到的直觉，你觉得有没有办法去训练和培养这种直觉呢？
And on that point of gut instinct, which you mentioned a second ago, is there a way, do you think, to train and develop your gut instinct?
因为你给我的感觉是，你有很强的直觉，而且你信任它，但有些人并不这样。
Because you strike me as someone that has a pretty astute gut instinct that you trust, but some people don't.
结果他们最后往往活在后悔中，后悔当初没有听从自己的直觉。
And what ends up happening is they just end up living in regret that they didn't listen to their gut instinct.
他们都是事后才明白，都已经被欺负了才反应过来。
And they, you know, like, they only find out after the fact, after they've been mistreated.
所以我一直在想，有没有办法能更好地培养和信任自己的直觉？
So I'm wondering if there's a way to, like, cultivate a better relationship with one's intuition and gut instinct.
对。
Yeah.
别总去问别人怎么看。
Stop asking everybody what they think.
每当我面临重大决定时，真的特别大的那种，我从不统计谁支持谁反对。
When I have a really big decision to make, like really big, I don't tally people.
事实上，事情越重大，后果越严重，或者越痛苦、越创伤，我反而越要往里走，因为别人的话只会让我混乱。
In fact, the bigger it is, the bigger the consequences or the bigger the pain or the trauma, whatever it is, I go in because they're gonna confuse me.
你就该这么做。
That's what you do.
别再问别人了。
You stop asking people.
如果你要做出一个健康方面的决定，那就去问医生。
And if you're going to ask somebody let's say it's a health decision.
去找那些对你要做的决定有专业了解的人。
You're going to go to a doctor or you're going to go to someone who has specific knowledge about a decision you are trying to make.
别去找妈妈。
You're not going to go to mom.
别去找爸爸。
You're not going to go to dad.
别去找你兄弟。
You're not going to go to your brother.
别去找那些不懂行的人，他们虽然爱你，但他们的意见会让你左右摇摆。
You're not going to go to people who don't have that, who, although they love you, their opinions are going to send you like a ping pong ball.
这样你就会失去主见。
That's how you become unsteady.
你可以从小事开始。
And you can start small.
你可以从小事做起。
You can start small.
我说的从小事做起，就是先试着自己做决定，不用事事都去问别人。
And when I say start small, it's start making decisions without running them by anybody.
比如吃什么、去哪儿、假期去哪里玩。
What to eat, where to go, where to vacation.
你可以从小事做起。
You can start small.
只要让自己成为那个做决定的人就好。
It's just allow yourself to be the decision maker.
让自己掌握主动权。
Allow yourself to be in the driver's seat.
但我们往往喜欢把别人也拉进这趟车。
But what we do is we invite people in the car.
我们就像在说，对对对，你可以来开我的车。
We're like, Yeah, yeah, you could drive my car.
没问题。
No problem.
他们坐到了驾驶座上。
They get in the driver's seat.
我们把他们推到了驾驶座上。
We put them in the driver's seat.
然后我们就坐在了副驾驶，甚至被赶到后排，心里还憋着火：你怎么开成这样？
Then we're in the passenger seat, or we might even get kicked to the back seat, and then we're all pissed off, like, Why are you driving like that?
你怎么往那边开？
Why are you going that way?
那根本不是我想去的方向。
That's not really where I want to go.
那就自己开车吧。
Then drive the car.
别老把开车的权力让给别人，等他们开得不合你心意了又生气。
And stop inviting everybody in to drive it for you, and then be pissed off when they don't take it the direction you want to go.
你会一直生自己的气，因为毕竟这是你自己选的。
You're going to be pissed off, always be pissed off at yourself because it's like, I chose.
我选错了，但确实是我自己选的。
I chose wrong, but I chose.
这才是建立自信的方式。
That is how you build confidence.
说到执法工作，因为我经常讲这个，执法人员最突出的特点之一就是自信，原因只有一个。
And you know, going back to law enforcement, because I teach it, one of the predominant traits that people in law enforcement have is they have high confidence because of one reason.
他们做决定。
They make decisions.
他们擅长做决定，因为当你在街上面对一个人或一种情况时，根本没人能帮你拿主意，问‘我该怎么处理？’
They are good decision makers because when you're out on the street and you're dealing with somebody or a situation, there's nobody to look over to and say, Hey, how should I handle this?
你必须自己做选择，然后立刻行动。
You have to make a choice and you have to go.
做决定能提升你的自信和能力，哪怕选错了也没关系。
Making decisions is going to increase your confidence and your ability in yourself, even if they're the wrong decisions.
重点不在这儿。
That's not the point.
做你自己人生的决策者。
Be a decision maker in your life.
这样你才能不断前进。
That is going to move you forward.
这会增强你对自己的信念和信任。
That is going to increase your belief in yourself and your trust in yourself.
你也会慢慢习惯的。
And you're going to get comfortable too.
我刚才读错了。
I read that wrong.
你知道我学到了什么吗？
You know what I learned here?
我应该那样读的。
I should have read it this way.
所以这时候你要带入那种氛围感，再配合一点战术策略，因为你已经没那么情绪化了。
And so this is when you bring in the vibes and a little bit of tactical strategy because you're less emotional.
情绪化就是另一个阻碍。
That's another hindrance.
一旦情绪上头，你就做不好决定。
When you are emotional, you are a bad decision maker.
当你处于情绪之中时，千万别做决定。
When you are in a space of emotion, make no decision.
不过，别发短信，也别打电话。
Don't text, don't call, though.
我常说，干脆把自己抽离出来，直接行动。
I always say, just remove yourself and go in.
保持沉默。
Go quiet.
当你能够静下心来，保持那份宁静，事情自然会随着时间慢慢浮现。
When you can go quiet and be in that stillness of you, it will come to you over time.
你知道还有什么特别棒的地方吗？
And you know what's another great thing?
你看那些有韧性的人，他们并不是什么都知道，也不需要什么都知道。
When you look at resilient people, they don't have all the answers, and they don't need to have all the answers.
我虽然也不是什么都知道，但这并不妨碍我过得很好。
I don't have all the answers, but I don't need them to be okay.
这就是你要学会拥抱不确定性的地方。
And this is where you embrace that uncertainty.
你不需要把所有答案都找出来。
You don't have to have all the answers.
光是这一点，就已经很有力量了。
And that, by itself, is powerful.
就是说，你不必非得把一切都想明白。
Like, you don't need to figure it out.
你也不需要立刻就知道该怎么做。
You don't need to know what to do right away.
放一放。
Leave it.
待在那儿。
Sit in it.
感受它。
Be in it.
等时候到了，你自然就过去了。
Then when it's time, you move through.
不过呢，你肯定会收到一堆没人问你就主动给的建议。
You're gonna end up getting a lot of unsolicited advice, though.
其实呢，我们都这样。
Know, this is we all do.
当我们做重大人生决定的时候，总有人没被问到，却非要插嘴，告诉你该怎么想。
We get when we're making trying to make those big life decisions, we'll have someone who we didn't even ask them, but people will be chipping in, telling you what to think of yourself.
所以，关键是要学会在生活里建立更强的界限，让外界的声音别轻易闯进来。
And there's an element almost, I guess, of being able to develop stronger boundaries in your life so that you can keep the outside world outside.
好的。
Okay.
那你能不能别到处跟人说你的私事？
So then how about you stop telling everybody your business?
他们干嘛要知道你打算在这儿或那儿做什么？
Why do they need to know what you're thinking about doing here or there?
为什么？
Why?
因为只要你一开口分享，就会有人给你出主意。
Because when you open your mouth to share things, you're going to get advice.
所以这又回到了你自己身上。
So this goes back to you.
我是该开口说，还是保持沉默？
Do I open my mouth, or do I stay quiet?
因为如果我开口说了，别人就会开始发表意见。
Because if I open my mouth and I start talking, people are going to start sharing.
所以当别人说‘没人尊重我的界限’的时候，其实是你自己把界限给放出去了。
And so when people are like, oh, they don't respect my boundaries, you're the one who offered it.
如果你想设立界限，那就从自己开始。
If you want to create boundaries, you start with them.
我不随便分享。
I don't share.
比如说我在做一个项目或者谈一笔交易，除非事情定了，否则谁都不知道。
Or like if I'm like, for example, I'm working on a project or a deal, nobody knows until my deal is done.
为什么？
Why?
我不知道最后会怎么样。
I don't know how it's going to go.
我不需要别人来指手画脚。
I don't want other people's opinions.
我只会在谈项目或交易的时候，听相关方的意见，就这么简单。
I'll have the opinions of whoever I'm dealing with specifically in a deal, if it's a project, right?
我会跟他们谈。
I'm going to talk to them.
但我不想让其他人把我搞糊涂。
But I don't want other people confusing me.
别人只会让你更困惑。
People confuse you.
他们可能出于好意，但你脑子里的声音太多，就会开始怀疑自己，因为那些杂音干扰了你的判断。
Good intentions, but when you've got too many voices in your head, that's why you can't trust yourself because you've got all these other voices.
你听不到自己的声音。
You can't hear your own.
所以我知道，如果我跟别人分享了某件事，他们就会发表他们的看法。
So I know if I share something with someone, they're going to share their thoughts.
也许我并不想要那些意见。
And maybe I don't want them.
我可以告诉你，我通常会保持沉默，直到我准备好公开某些事情。
I stay I will tell you, I usually stay quiet until I'm ready to reveal something.
而且，我会一直保持沉默，直到事情真的完成了，真正发生了。
Also, I'll stay quiet until it's either done, like it's happened.
因为很多时候你做了件事，结果却黄了，你也不想跟别人解释为什么。
Because so many times you'll do something and it falls through, and you don't want to have to explain it to other people.
我干嘛要让自己陷入这种总在不停谈论的境地呢？
It's like, why do I need to put myself in that situation where we're always talking?
我觉得一直说、一直说，虽然沟通是好事，但有时候就是说得太多，把私事全摊在明面上了。
I think talking, talking, talking, talking, although I think communication is good, but sometimes it's oversharing and over putting our stuff out there.
如果你自己都打破界限，又怎么指望别人尊重你的界限呢？
How are you going to have boundaries when you yourself violate those boundaries?
你等于给自己开了个无边界大门，谁都随便进来。
Like, you just make yourself like, Open borders, everybody come in.
如果你能更有条理地选择跟谁分享什么、为什么分享，我觉得这样反而更好。
If you're a bit more methodical with who you share what with and why, I think that that's okay.
但如果你连小事都事无巨细地跟所有人讨论，比如该选什么工作——举个例子，我认识社区里一个女人，她正纠结该走哪条职业道路。
But when you're, like, literally, like, tallying everybody, even if it's like, what job to do like, for example, there's a woman in the community I have, and she's trying to figure out what career to do.
她老是说，我妈妈这么说，我爸爸那么说。
And she was kind of like, my mom says this, my dad says this.
都这么大一个人了。
Grown woman.
她的出发点是好的，我喜欢这一点，但我不喜欢那一套。
And it was coming from a genuine place, and I like this, but I don't like that.
她一会儿一个主意，一会儿又换一个。
And she was ping ponging everywhere.
她跟我说：Evy，你能给我一些建议吗？
She was like, Evy, what's you know, can you share something with me?
我当时就说：别说了。
I was like, Stop.
别跟每个人都说你的事。
I was like, Stop talking to everybody.
你干嘛到处找人给你出主意？
Why are you telling everybody to give you advice?
我当时就想，你有没有想过你这么做有多荒唐？
I was like, I want you to think about how insane what you're doing is.
你跑去问别人，该选什么工作、什么职业，而这个工作是你每天早上必须爬起来去做的，日复一日，可你却在听那些根本不会去干这活儿的人的意见，来决定你该做什么。
You are going to another human being to ask them what job, what career you should do, a job that you're going to wake up every morning to get out of bed to go do day after day after day, and you're tallying and pulling other people who are not going to be doing that you're going be doing that on what you should do.
你有没有意识到，真正要早起去干这活儿的是你自己，你怎么反而去问别人该怎么做？
Do you see a little bit of the ridiculousness of how you are asking somebody else, you're the one who has to get up every morning and go do it?
如果你直接问她，为什么要这么做，她可能会说，我只是不太确定。
If you say that to her and you ask her to justify why she's doing that, she might say, Well, I'm just not sure.
我只是想听听别人的想法。
I just wanted to hear other people's opinions.
我真的不知道。
I just don't know.
你可以的。
You can.
她也可以。
She can.
你完全可以这么做。
You can do that.
但如果问题是，我该怎么学会相信自己？
But if the question is, How do I learn to trust myself?
多听自己的声音，少问别人，信任感自然就来了。
You trust yourself more by listening to yourself more and asking other people less.
这就是关键所在。
That is how you get there.
很明显，她就是不相信自己。
Clearly she doesn't trust herself, though.
对。
No.
还有你身边的人际圈。
And then maybe just the circle around you.
而且我不知道你有没有发现，这些年我慢慢也积累了一圈人。
It's also and I don't know if you've been able to do this, over the years slowly, I've also accumulated people around me.
这需要时间，我会找那些值得信赖的人帮忙，因为我欣赏他们对待生活的方式。
It takes time where they're trusted people where I can go to for specific things if I need to because I like the way they move through life.
我觉得他们处事很有分寸。
I think that they handle themselves well.
也许他们在事业上很出色。
Maybe they do well in business.
他们为人很周到。
They're thoughtful.
我很欣赏他们的品格。
I like their character.
随着时间推移，你不一定非得说‘积累’，但会慢慢吸引这样的人靠近你。
And so over time, you can also I don't want to say accumulate, but you can kind of start to pull folks like that in.
这需要时间，因为不同阶段会有人走进你的生活。
It takes time because people are going to come into your life in different moments.
一旦遇到这样的宝贵之人，就别让他们走远。
And when you find those precious gems, keep them a bit close.
然后你就能慢慢建立起一个圈子。
And then you can start to accumulate a circle.
不是那种每天都要联系的人。
And it's not people you go to every day.
而是那种随时能打个电话说，‘嗨，史蒂文，我是埃维。’
It's just people that you can pick up the phone and say, Hey, Steven, it's Evy.
我能跟你聊聊一件事吗？
Can I run something by you?
当然可以，埃维。
Sure, Evy.
没问题。
No problem.
你想跟我聊什么？
What do you want to run by me?
这种关系你也可以主动去建立。
You can create those too.
至少对我来说，我慢慢积累起了这样一个圈子，这不可能一蹴而就。
And at least for me, I've been able over time slowly, because it's not going to happen overnight.
有时候会有人走进这个圈子里，有时候我也会觉得，得把你往外推得更远一点。
And then sometimes people come into that space and sometimes you say, I'm going to push you a little further out.
这关系已经没法继续下去了。
It's not working out anymore.
那个例子中的女人，她最终该怎么做呢？
That woman in that example, what does she ultimately need to do?
我能想象，在她的世界里，她对任何一条路都不确定。
Because I can imagine in her world, she's not certain about any path.
她对走这条路有20%的把握，对那条路有30%，另一条路有40%，剩下的全是犹豫、拖延和害怕。
So she's got 20% certainty about going in this direction, 30% certainty about going in that direction apparently, and maybe 40% about going in that direction, and then the rest is just a little bit of confusion and procrastination and fear.
她到底该怎么做？
What does she actually have to do?
她只需要做个决定，然后去行动。
She just has to make a choice and do it.
选一个，然后去做。
Pick one and do it.
根本没有完美的选择，Evy。
There's no there's no perfect choice, Evy.
确实没有。
But there isn't.
你根本没法预知结果会怎样。
There's no there's no there's no way to know how it's gonna pan out.
真的没法知道。
There's no way to know.
做决定吧。
Just choose.
选一样东西。
Choose something.
选一样东西。
Choose something.
就算选错了，你也得学会释怀，告诉自己：这是我选的，错了就错了。
And even if it's wrong, you know, find peace and like, I chose, it was wrong.
但你知道吗？
But you know what?
我并没有被困住。
I'm not stuck here.
这才是另一回事。
That's the other thing.
就像，你知道的，是可以改变决定的。
Like, you know, can change your decisions.
选了某件事，并不代表你就被绑在那儿了。
Just because you choose something, it doesn't mean you're stuck there.
我们有能力抽身。
We have the ability to get out.
你可以的。
You do.
你可以找到出路，承认自己做了一个错误的选择。
You can find ways to get out and say, I made a wrong choice.
这没什么大不了的。
It's okay.
你也要学会接受这一点。
You also have to be okay with it.
在个人生活中，我觉得导致拖延和在工作中表现不同的一点是，在职场上，尤其是创业时，如果你不做决定——就像在特勤局一样，如果你迟迟不行动，马上就会有后果。
The interesting thing within our personal lives that I think causes such procrastination versus business is in business, especially if you're in a startup, if you don't make a choice, or even like I imagine in the Secret Service, like, you don't make a choice, there is an immediate consequence.
但在生活中，你可以漫无目的地晃荡一两年、三五年，就这么拖着、拖延着。
Whereas in your life, you can kind of meander for a year, three years, five years, and just sit and procrastinate.
而在特勤局这样的场景下，比如特朗普遭遇枪击时，特勤人员要是拖个五年才做决定，那根本不可能。
Whereas, like, in a Secret Service situation, when Trump is being shot at, meandering for five years as a Secret Service agent, I imagine, isn't possible.
所以，能帮上忙的一点是，这叫‘工具性’。
So that is something what will help with that is it's something called it's called instrumental.
这叫‘意义建构’。
It's called sense making.
这是要理解一个人的动机心态。
It's understanding a person's motivational mindset.
在某些岗位上，一个做事讲究效率的人能带动更多同样高效的人。
An instrumental person in certain jobs can yield more instrumental people.
这就是我在做的事情，以任务为导向。
This is where I am doing something where I am task oriented.
事情刚发生，所以我必须这样回应。
This just happened, so I have to respond this way.
我会这么做。
I'm going to do that.
我会这么处理。
I'm going to do this.
比如，我会从整体出发，想清楚下一步该做什么，然后再做下一步，一步步来。
Like, I'm looking at the overall, what is my next step, then my next step, then my next step.
当你以目标为导向时，你就不会受情绪左右。
When you are instrumental, you are non emotional.
我并没有被情绪牵着走。
I'm not in the emotion of it.
比如说，如果你护送的人中枪了，对吧？
So although, like, if you bring a protectee getting shot, right?
虽然看起来挺情绪化的，确实如此。
Although it can seem emotional, yes, is.
但在那一刻，经过训练后，你的反应就是：枪声响起，冲上去，掩护， shielding，疏散。
But in that moment, at least through training, it's shots being fired, jump in front, cover, shield, evacuate.
这些步骤你都会下意识地过一遍。
You run through those things.
这就是所谓的理性应对，对吧？
That's being instrumental, right?
就是有一套明确的应对流程。
Which is having a framework for what to do
你是在正常运作。
You're functioning.
你被赋予了任务。
You're being tasked.
你做事很有条理。
You're task oriented.
我得把这事办了。
I'm gonna do this.
我得把这事办了。
I'm gonna do this.
我得把这事办了。
I'm gonna do this.
你得做个业务决策。
You have a business decision to make.
假设公司里出了状况。
Let's say something bad's happening in the business.
那该怎么止住这个损失？
Okay, how do I stop this hemorrhaging?
我要去处理这件事。
I'm gonna do this.
我要去处理这件事。
I'm gonna do this.
我要去处理这件事。
I'm gonna do this.
这非常关键。
That's instrumental.
反过来，还有一种状态叫身份认同。
On the flip side of that is something called identity.
当你陷入这种身份认同时，你会觉得天哪，真不敢相信这种事发生了。
When I am identity, I am, oh my god, I can't believe this is happening.
这太糟糕了。
This is horrible.
我不知道该怎么办。
I don't know what to do.
我有点懵。
I'm confused.
我对此真的很心烦。
I'm really upset about this.
真没想到我会陷入这种境地。
I can't believe I'm finding myself here.
现在我就卡在这种什么都不做的中间状态里。
Now I'm in that purgatory space of not doing anything.
我也会情绪化，所以没法冷静思考，也做不出正确的判断。
I'm also emotional, so I can't think clearly, and I'm not able to make moves.
那作为特勤局特工，他们是怎么训练你保持这种工具性思维的？
So how did they train you as a Secret Service agent to have that instrumental mindset?
你要做到。
You do.
行动。
Action.
行动起来。
Action.
一切都得靠行动。
Everything's action.
做个决定吧。
Make a choice.
做个决定吧。
Make a choice.
做个决定吧。
Make a choice.
动起来。
Move.
快，快，快。
Go, go, go.
你知道吗，有意思的是？
Do you know what's interesting?
一切都在强调动作。
Everything was about movement.
别站着不动。
Don't be still.
就算挨枪子儿也别停。
Even when you're getting shot at, don't be still.
他们确实会教你跑S型路线。
They actually teach you to run-in zigzags.
其实真的很难射中一个人。
It's actually really hard to shoot someone.
如果他们不是完全静止的话，我的意思是，我们以前打的是纸靶。
If they're not perfectly still, mean, we would shoot paper targets.
你会打偏的。
You'd miss.
你会压力很大，身体在动，还要看着这个人开枪，那个人开枪，心里还想着自己打得烂不烂，因为大家都在互相看分数。
You're stressed out, you're motioned, you're looking at this guy shooting, that person shooting, am I shooting like shit, you know, because everyone's looking at each other's scores.
如果你射击表现不好，我可不想带你去下一次突袭。
And if you don't shoot well, then I'll be like, I don't want to take you out on the next raid with me.
对吧？
Right?
所以你会感受到肾上腺素飙升。
So you've got that adrenaline rush.
这事儿真不容易。
It's a hard thing to do.
但他们教你，要是有人朝你开枪，别傻愣在那儿。
But they teach you like, Hey, if you're getting shot at, don't sit there like a dummy.
动起来，跑。
Move, run.
跑的时候要来回折返。
And while you're running, run like zigzag.
让对方摸不着你的路线。
Throw people off.
动起来。
Move.
我一直秉持着永不停歇的理念。
And I've taken that premise of always being kinesis.
Kinesis是希腊语里表示运动的意思。
Kinesis is a Greek move.
Kinesis。
Kinesis.
动起来。
Move.
动起来。
Move.
永远别停下。
Always move.
不管感觉多被困住，都要制造出势头来。
Create momentum no matter how stuck you feel.
其实我在自己的生活中也一直这么做的。
And I followed this actually in my own life.
就是动起来。
Just move.
别原地不动。
Don't sit still.
我不是说不许难过、不许悲伤、不许感受情绪。
I'm not saying don't grieve, don't be sad, don't feel.
这没关系。
It's Okay.
但别让自己陷在原地不动，因为那样你就会卡住。
But don't put yourself in a place where you're completely stagnant, because that's where you get stuck.
你不行动，就会安于现状，然后变得害怕。
And you don't move, and you get comfortable, and you become afraid.
只要你能制造一点动静，我就先迈出一小步。
If you can just create movement I'm going to create a little bit of movement.
我会在这儿做个决定，然后接着再做下一个，再下一个。
I'm going to make a decision here, and then another one, another one.
只要你能保持行动的状态，保持移动，就能顺利度过眼下任何困境。
If you can just stay in kinesis, movement, you'll be able to move through whatever it is you're going through.
我记得我采访过乔科·威尔洛克，他跟我说过非常类似的话。
I remember I interviewed Jocko Willock, and he said pretty much a very similar thing to me.
他说在特种空勤团或者海豹突击队，如果你原地不动，就永远得不到新的信息。
He said in the SAS or the the Navy SEALs, when you're lost, you're not gonna get any new information if you just stay where you are.
所以你必须动起来。
So you have to just move.
哪怕你不知道该往哪个方向走，只要动了，就会产生新的信息，进而帮助你做出更好的决定。
Even if you don't know which direction, movement generates information, which then can inform a better decision.
你其实说的也是这个意思：如果你卡住了，就得赶紧动起来，做个决定，开始行动，这样至少能学到点什么。
And you're kind of saying the same thing there, which is if you're stuck, need to just get into kinesis, make a decision, start moving, and then you'll learn at least something.
你会学到一些东西的。
You'll learn something.
哪怕只是联系一下别人，也要做点什么，推动自己向前走。
Even if it means reaching out to someone, it's just do something that's helping you create some type of progress.
一旦你不动，没有了行动，就会陷在情绪的泥潭里，觉得自己糟透了。
When you don't move, when we don't have kinesis, this is where you get stuck in that emotional depravity of, like, I feel horrible.
这种情况确实发生了。
This is happening.
不管问题有多糟，想办法走出来，别一直陷在里面。
Like, if you can find ways to move out of your problem as bad as it feels, don't bathe in it.
别老泡在那种情绪里。
Like, don't take a bath in it.
感受是可以的，但要有度。
Feel it, but like, to a point.
还有件事你也得知道。
And you know what else, too?
你也不用非得马上想明白所有事。
You also don't have to figure it out.
你不需要去搞懂为什么这件事会发生，或者为什么那个人会那样做。
You don't have to figure out why did this happen or why did this person do it.
有时候，根本没有什么需要搞懂的。
Sometimes there's nothing to figure out.
有时候，事情就是这样发生了。
Sometimes it just is.
有时候，放手并承认‘事情已经发生了’，反而是一种智慧和自由。
Sometimes there's brilliance and freedom in just letting go and saying, This happened.
我不知道为什么会发生这种事，我也不需要知道原因。
I don't know why it happened, and I don't need to know why.
但我可以想清楚接下来该怎么往前走。
But I can figure out how I need to move forward.
动起来，我该怎么从这个状态里走出来？
Kinesis, how am I going to move out of this?
下一步我该去哪儿？
Where do I go to next?
有时候你越坐在那儿琢磨这事儿，你就越折磨自己。
There's not sometimes the more you sit and you analyze this stuff, the more pain you put yourself through.
你反复回想，反复讲述，反复经历。
You're rethinking, you're retelling, you're reliving.
特别是当你重新经历别人对你做的那些事，那种痛苦？
And especially if you're reliving things that somebody else did to you, like the pain?
你知道，你有没有过那种时刻，开始重新经历，心想我当初应该这么做，我当初应该这么说？
You know, you ever have those moments where you start to relive, I should have done this, I should have said this?
你知道这其实会激活大脑的同一个区域，就像你吸食可卡因时激活的那个区域一样吗？
Do you know it actually activates the same part of the brain that's activated when you do cocaine?
所以它很容易让人上瘾。
So it becomes addictive.
对，会让人产生快感。
Yeah, makes you high.
你想想看。
Think about that.
虽然这些是负面情绪，但你还是会忍不住反复去想，让那些事情在脑海里不断重演。
Even though it's negative feelings, you're like, yeah, you're having this whole thing happen.
我总会问自己，我现在做的这些，是不是能带我走向我想去的地方？
And it's like, I always look at, is what I am doing leading me to the path I want to go to?
如果答案是否定的，我就会试着放手。
If it's not, then I try to relinquish.
我觉得，感到难过没关系，但如果你能保持向前的势头，那种难受的感觉会减轻很多。
I'm like, listen, it's okay to feel bad, but you will feel less bad if you can keep that momentum going.
一直陷在受害者心态、恐惧或者拖延的状态里，你觉得这种受害者心态会让人上瘾吗？
Being stuck and in that place of victimhood or fear or procrastination, do you think that victimhood is addictive?
我觉得这更像是一种习惯。
I think it becomes a habit.
我不觉得大多数人真的想待在那种状态里。
I don't think most people want to be there.
你要是问任何人，没人会说：对，我就喜欢这样。
If you ask anybody, nobody's going say, Yeah, I love it.
但结果就是，这成了一种习惯，一种行为模式和思维模式，你慢慢就习惯了。
But what happens is it becomes a habit, And it's a pattern of behavior and a pattern and a way of thinking that you become used to.
那这种习惯循环里的回报是什么呢？
What's the reward in that habit cycle then?
我不确定有没有什么回报，也不觉得人们会去想这个问题。
I don't know if there's a reward, and I don't know if people think about it.
他们只是陷在里面出不来了。
They just get stuck.
因为他们害怕、不确定，如果改变了，接下来会发生什么，所以只好一遍遍重复同样的事。
And they repeat the same thing because they're afraid and uncertain of, if they change it, what will happen.
你在人际关系里经常能看到这种现象，不光是家暴，还有一些严重失衡的关系——一方强势、控制欲强、主导一切，但这种主导并不是健康的。
You know, you'll see this in relationships where, you know, it's not just domestic violence, but you'll see it in these really imbalanced relationships where you will see one person who's very dominant and one person the dominant person, it'll be somebody who's very high power, in control, setting the agenda, but not in a good way.
另一方则很弱势、被动、回避问题。
And then you'll see another person who's very low power, weak, submissive, avoidant.
这种关系之所以能维持，是因为一方在，另一方就必须在。
The reason why that relationship works is one is here, so the other has to be here.
他们俩不可能都占上风，不然肯定会冲突。
They both can't be high power because they'll clash.
所以你看这些严重失衡的关系，尤其是家暴的情况——不管是男人对女人、女人对男人，还是同性伴侣，总是一个人掌控一切，另一个人就变得顺从、回避。
And so that's why when you see a lot of these imbalanced relationships, or severely imbalanced when it's domestic violence and it can be man towards woman, woman towards man, or same sex you will see that it's one person who's up here, high control, and then the other person goes submissive, avoidant.
下面这个人只是想维持和平。
This person down here is just trying to keep the peace.
我不希望有冲突。
I don't want conflict.
我不希望惹他们不高兴。
I don't want to upset them.
我不希望激怒他们。
I don't want to set them off.
但你越是这样，就越陷越深。
But what you do is you go deeper and deeper and deeper.
你越想息事宁人，越顺从、越回避、越没主见，对方又会怎样？
And the more you try to keep the peace, the more you're submissive and avoidant and uncertain, what does the other person do?
对方会变得越来越强势，因为你其实是在帮他们制造这种失衡，让关系里的权力差距进一步拉大。
The higher up they go, because you just help create this imbalance, this further spread of power in the relationship.
他们就会变得声音更大、姿态更强硬、固执己见、要求苛刻，而且非常死板。
They become louder, stronger, dogmatic, demanding, rigid.
不过这个过程是慢慢发生的。
But that happens over time.
然后你就会发现自己陷入这种境地，心里想：我怎么搞成现在这样了？而对方却还在那儿摆出一副高高在上的样子？
And then you find yourself in this space where, like, how did I end up here, and this person's here?
这就是另一个例子，说明另一个人是如何把你彻底压制的。
And then that's one of those examples of where another person keeps you literally suppressed.
所以，如果身边有这样的人，你该怎么信任自己、相信自己的判断，并做出正确的决定呢？
So how are you going to trust yourself and your voice and make good decisions if you have such an individual around you.
这也是让人被压制、抬不起头的原因之一。
And that's another thing that keeps a person pushed down and suppressed.
作为一名女性特工，我想你刚加入特勤局时，应该也遇到过某种体制内的性别歧视吧。
As a woman's Secret Service agent, when you first went into service, I imagine there was a sort of institutional sexism.
想到那个年代，那时候人们一看你，就觉得你是女人，特勤局里女的本来就少，可能觉得你比较好拿捏。
Just thinking about that era, that time, where people would look at you and think, well, as a woman, there wasn't as many women in the Secret Service, so maybe she's someone that I can push down.
可能觉得你是个可以随便说两句闲话的对象。
Maybe she's someone who I can make the odd comment to.
也许还能制造一种我高你一等的权力关系。
Maybe I could create a power dynamic where I'm above her.
这种事真发生过吗？
Did that ever happen?
如果真发生了，你是怎么应对的？
And if it did happen, how did you deal with it?
说实话，这种事情确实会发生，对吧？
So that's the truth is that stuff does happen, right?
而且这种事完全可能发生在你身上。
And it could happen.
我记得芭芭拉·布什去过坦桑尼亚。
I remember Barbara Pierce Bush went to Tanzania.
我是助理特勤组长，相当于整个团队的负责人。
I'm the assistant detail leader, which means I was like the head person.
然后总部的上司也来了，但他还没到。
And then my boss from headquarters came, but he wasn't there yet.
当时我们正在开简报会。
And we were having a briefing.
你们当时是在保护布什一家吗？
And you were protecting the Bush family?
我负责保护。
I was protecting.
我是芭芭拉·皮尔斯·布什的助理特勤组长，也就是小布什总统的女儿。
I was the assistant detail leader for Barbara Pierce Bush, so George Bush Jr.
其中一个双胞胎女儿。
Daughter, one of the twins.
她们是詹娜和芭芭拉。
It's Jenna and Barbara.
我负责保护芭芭拉。
I had Barbara.
她当时去那里做慈善和援助工作，我们要去的地方其实挺危险的，对吧？
So she went there to do philanthropic work, aid, and we were going to some really not safe areas, right?
那里有很多安全隐患，让人很担心。
A lot of vulnerabilities, a lot of concerns.
所以我安排了简报会。
So I set up the briefing.
我是负责人，然后各地都有特工过来帮忙支援。
I'm the person in charge, And agents are coming from different parts of the country to help supplement.
有些特工我从来没见过。
Some agents I've never met.
我记得有个哥们儿走进来，就跟我说，哦，嘿，你好。
So I remember one guy walks in, and he's like, oh, hey, hi.
当时我们是在酒店房间里开简报会。
So this is in the hotel room where we're having the briefing.
可那时候还没人到。
And no one's there yet.
就他和我两个人。
It's just him and I.
嗨，你还好吗？
Hi, you know, how are you?
哦，这样啊。
Oh, okay.
他说：嘿，实习生的房间在走廊尽头。
He's like, Hey, you know, the intern staff room is down the hall.
你要想去的话，我可以带你过去。
If you want to go find it, I can show you.
他一见到我，就以为我是实习生。
So when he saw me, he made an assumption I was staff intern.
你知道的，我是随行人员，但不是正式特工。
You know, I was part of the entourage, but not an actual agent.
所以我跟他说，其实不是的。
And so I'm like, actually, no.
我叫Evy。
I'm Evy.
我是这里的助理特勤组长。
I'm the assistant detail leader here.
欢迎加入。
Thank you for joining.
你是哪个办公室的？
What office are you from?
所以我现在是不是挺生气的？
So now, could I be pissed off?
当然。
Sure.
他是不是根据看到的情况做了判断？
Did he make an assumption based on what he saw?
当然。
Sure.
那种时候，我真的不在乎。
Those are moments where, like, I don't care.
真的吗？
Really?
不是。
No.
百分之零？
0%?
不是。
No.
事后谁看起来像个傻瓜？
Who looked like a big dummy afterward?
是他，不是我。
He did, not me.
确实挺烦人的，但这时候就得学会挑重要的事去争。
It does become annoying, but this is where have to pick your battles.
你不可能跟每个人都较劲。
You can't fight everybody.
天哪，史蒂文，想想看，要是每遇到一个蠢货你都要去斗，得累成什么样。
Oh my god, Steven, imagine how exhausted you'd be if you fought every buffoon that came your way.
有些人活着就是为了跟蠢货较劲。
Some people literally have designed their life to fight buffoons.
没错。
Right.
我忙着呢。
And I'm busy.
我还有好多事要做。
I have things to do.
想想看，他们占用了你多少时间和精力。
Think about how much time and energy they take in ways from you.
整天跟每个人较劲，结果自己一事无成，生活完全停滞，想想看那得多累人。
Talk about a life of being stagnant and doing nothing, because you're too busy fighting everybody.
要会挑重点，有针对性地去争。
Choose and fight strategically.
要是真有非争不可的事，那我就上。
So if it's something I need to fight, fight.
我再给你举个例子。
I'll give you another example.
9·11事件之后，美国特勤局在世贸中心七号楼的分部被毁了。
After September 11, the US Secret Service field office was in the World Trade Center at seven.
大楼倒塌后，我们整个办公室都没了。
So when the towers collapsed, we lost our whole office.
于是特勤局纽约办公室立刻开始找新的办公地点。
So immediately, the Secret Service New York office, they were trying to find a new home.
他们最后在布鲁克林找到了一处办公空间。
So they found office space in Brooklyn.
在这样的地方，办公室的设计必须符合我们的工作需求。
And obviously, in a place like that, the office space needs to be designed a specific way for what we're doing.
再强调一遍，要看起来普普通通。
Again, nondescript.
没人需要知道我们在这儿，但设计时得让人感觉对劲，好让事情顺利推进。
Nobody needs to know we're there, but you're designing it to look and feel a certain way to get things done.
我现在是个特工。
I'm an agent now.
我被叫到SACS办公室，那边的负责人对我说：我需要你来设计这个办公室。
I get called into the SACS office, which is the head boss, and he says, I need you to design this office for me.
跟总部协调一下，弄些好看的图片，让这里看起来像我们的新家。
Work with headquarters, get us nice photos, make this look like our new home.
我们这儿要开很多简报会。
We have a lot of briefings here.
这件事就交给你负责了。
I'm going to put you in charge of this.
你能搞定吗？
Can you do this?
好的。
Okay.
明白，长官。
Yes, sir.
办公室里有二百五十名特工。
There's two fifty agents in the office.
我被调去负责室内设计了。
I get pulled for interior design duty.
这下真成HGTV了。
HGTV, here we go.
我就说，行，没问题。
So I said, all right, no problem.
于是我就干了。
So I did.
我就想，我得把它搞定。
I'm like, I'm gonna do it.
我要把它拿下。
I'm gonna own it.
我记得有些女士就问，你不担心吗？
And I remember some of the women were like, aren't you?
我说，完全没问题。
I'm like, no worries.
我当时就想，一定要把活儿干得漂漂亮亮的。
I was like, I'm gonna do the best damn job I can.
所以我确实这么做了。
So I did.
前后花了好几个月。
Took me months.
最后弄出了一个挺不错的办公室。
I made a nice office.
我当时已经彻底放下了。
I was done with it.
再说后来。
Fast forward.
同一个老板发布了公开竞聘。
That same boss puts out an open bid.
新开了一个测谎员的职位。
New polygraph position.
纽约办公室只有两个测谎员，整个美国特勤局加起来也就三十个。
There's only two polygraph examiners in the New York office, 30 throughout the whole US Secret Service.
有个空缺出来了，这可不多见。
A spot comes open, which is rare.
想申请的都把名字报上去。
Everybody put your name in whoever wants it.
大家都报了名。
Everybody puts their name in.
比我资深的同事都报了名。
People senior to me put their name in.
然后其中一位资深测谎员就跟我说，你为什么不也报个名呢？
And then one of the senior polygraph guys was like, Why don't you put your name in?
我当时就想，得了吧，没门儿。
I'm like, Dude, no way.
根本没人会跟我招供的。
No one's going to confess to me.
他们肯定会注意到我。
They're going to see me.
他们肯定会互相击掌庆祝。
They're going to high five each other.
我再也不会报名了。
I'm never putting my name in.
他就跟我说，赶紧报名。
He's like, Put your name in.
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