最常回放片段：如何与伴侣谈论金钱！多数情侣常犯的错误！

我不认识任何一位创始人是因为喜欢做行政工作才创业的。

I don't know any founder who started their business because they like doing admin.

但不管你喜不喜欢，行政工作都是成功经营企业的重要组成部分。

But whether you like it or not, it's a huge part of running a business successfully.

而且它很容易变得让人精疲力尽、令人困惑，老实说，还是一种负担，因为你清楚它正在分散你对最重要工作的注意力。

And it's something that can quickly become all consuming, confusing, and honestly, a real tax because you know it's taking your attention away from the most important work.

这就是为什么我们的赞助商Intuit QuickBooks能帮助我的团队简化大量行政事务。

And that's why our sponsor Intuit QuickBooks helps my team streamline a lot of their admin.

我问过我的团队，他们说这每月能为他们节省大约十二个小时。

I asked my team about it and they said it saves them around twelve hours a month.

百分之七十八的Intuit QuickBooks用户表示，它让他们的企业运营变得明显更轻松。

Seventy eight percent of Intuit QuickBooks users say it's made running their business significantly easier.

Intuit QuickBooks新推出的AI代理会与你协同，简化所有工作流程。

And Intuit QuickBooks new AI agent works with you to streamline all of your workflows.

它能与你当前使用的所有工具同步。

They sync with all of the tools that you currently use.

它们自动化那些拖慢业务进程的事务。

They automate things that slow the wheel in the process of your business.

它们在一个平台上处理开票、付款、财务分析等所有事项。

They look after invoicing payments, financial analysis, all of it in one place.

但很棒的是，这不仅仅是人工智能。

But what is great is that it's not just AI.

如果你需要帮助，仍然有人工支持随时待命。

There's still human support on hand if you need it.

Intuit QuickBooks 已经发展成为一个能随企业成长而扩展的平台。

Intuit QuickBooks has evolved into a platform that scales with growing businesses.

所以，如果你想摆脱琐碎事务，远离行政工作，现在就搜索 Intuit QuickBooks 吧。

So if you want help getting out of the weeds, out of admin, just search for Intuit QuickBooks now.

几天前，我实际上和离婚专家詹姆斯·塞克顿进行了一次对话。

I had a conversation a couple of days ago, actually, with James Sexton, who's the divorce expert.

他是一名离婚律师，对离婚的了解比任何人都多。

He's a divorce lawyer by trade, he knows more about divorce than anybody else.

他告诉我，导致人们最终走进他办公室办理离婚的有两件事。

And he said to me there's two things which cause people to end up in his office going through a divorce.

第一是出轨和不忠。

Number one is cheating, infidelity.

第二是关系中的金钱问题。

And the second thing is money problems in the relationship.

因此，我觉得和你讨论伴侣之间的金钱关系特别相关，因为显然，最有可能破坏我的关系，或者阻止我建立关系的一件事，就是我们大多数人一直在回避的财务问题。

So I find it especially sort of pertinent to have this conversation with you about couples relationship with money because clearly one of the things that is most likely to end my relationship or or I guess prevent me getting into one is this financial avoidance that most of us engage in.

你在播客中采访了数百对伴侣关于金钱的话题。

You've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of couples about money on your podcast.

从这些采访中，你对人们在关系中的金钱观学到了什么？

What have you learned about our relationship with money in relationships from that?

我了解到，我访谈的人中有一半不知道自己家庭的总收入。

I've learned that 50% of the people I talk to do not know their household income.

我访谈的负债人群中有90%不知道自己到底欠了多少钱。

90% of the people I talk to who are in debt do not know how much debt they're in.

而所有我访谈过的有信用卡债务的人，也都难以对他们的孩子说不。

And 100% of the people I talk to in credit card debt also have trouble saying no to their children.

这难道不令人震惊吗？

Isn't that shocking?

那50%的人不知道自己收入多少，是因为我们大多数人只是盯着支票账户过日子，仅此而已。

Each of those things, 50% do not know how much income they make because most of us are simply living by looking at our checking account, and that's it.

债务这部分倒是可以理解。

The debt part kind of makes sense.

你为什么要关心自己欠了多少钱呢？

Why would you want to know how much debt you owe?

你根本不想去想这件事，所以就忽略那些邮件和信件。

You don't really want to think about it, so you ignore those emails and envelopes.

至于信用卡债务这部分，就真的很有趣了。

And the credit card debt part, that is really interesting.

如果你无法对消费说不，从而累积了大量信用卡债务，那么同样的原则也适用于无法对孩子们说不。

The idea that if you can't say no to spending, so you've racked up a bunch of credit card debt, the same principle applies to saying no to kids.

对我来说，当我发现这些现象时，我觉得它们极其有趣，但好消息是，你也可以改变这些行为。

For me, when I discover these, I find them absolutely fascinating, but the good news is you can also change these things.

在亲密关系中，男性和女性在消费习惯、隐瞒、回避和争吵方面有什么不同？

And what's the difference between men and women in terms of spending habits in a relationship, secrecy, avoidance, arguments?

好吧，我们先从

Well, let's start with

角色说起。

the roles.

男性总是把自己描述为养家糊口的人。

Men always describe themselves as providers.

总是如此。

Always.

这是我们从小被灌输的观念。

That's what we are taught.

这种观念存在于文化中。

It exists in culture.

问题是，当然，当他们不再是家庭主要收入来源时会发生什么，而这种情况现在越来越常见。

The problem is, of course, what happens when they are not the top earner, which has happened happening increasingly more now.

所以我经常问他们：如果你不是提供者，从财务上讲，你是谁？

So when I often ask them, who are you, financially speaking, if you're not a provider?

他们完全愣住了。

And they're just stumped.

但除了当提供者之外，一定还有别的东西。

But there's got to be something more than simply being a provider.

你可以是提供者，也可以是照顾者。

You can be a provider and you can be a nurturer.

你可以是提供者。

You can be a provider.

你可以是帮手，是领导者。

You can be a helper, a leader.

有太多不同的角色了。

There's so many different ways.

通常，你会看到女性讨论秘密银行账户的问题。

Often, what you'll see with women is discussions about a secret bank account.

留一点钱以防万一。

Keep a little money aside just in case.

我们必须记住，在美国，许多祖母曾被禁止开设自己的银行账户。

We have to remember that in The US, many grandmothers were not allowed to open up their own bank accounts.

这种情况发生在两代人之前。

That happened in two generations ago.

因此，口头传承下来了一个正当的信息：留一点钱以防万一，无论是遭遇身体虐待、经济控制、离婚等情况。

And so there has been a rightful message that has been passed down orally, keep a little bit of money aside just in case, whether it be physical abuse, financial abuse, divorce, etcetera.

我完全尊重这一信息。

And I totally respect that message.

我不认为你应该拥有一个秘密账户。

I don't think you should have a secret account.

但我认为你应该拥有一个只属于你自己的账户，只是关系中不应该有秘密。

I do think you should have an account that is yours only, but no secrets in a relationship.

那么关于金钱和关系中的争吵呢？

What about arguments as it relates to money and relationships?

争吵的原因是什么？

What are the the cause of the arguments?

是因为有人花太多钱吗？

Is it someone spending too much?

是因为隐瞒金钱吗？

Is it hiding money?

还是其他原因？

Is it something else?

通常并不是隐瞒金钱。

It's usually not hiding money.

那是一种非常极端的情况。

That's very small extreme.

情侣们最常对我说的一句话是：他（或她）是花钱型的，而我是储蓄型的。

The biggest phrase that I get from couples is he or she is a spender, and I'm a saver.

所以这形成了他们是一种挥霍者、我是节约者的身份认同，或者他们根本不想谈论钱。

So it's creating this identity that they're a spender, I'm a saver, or they don't want to talk about money ever.

为什么我就是没法让他们坐下来，和我达成一致呢？

Why can't I get them to finally sit down with me and get on the same page?

这句话到处都在被提及。

That's a phrase that's tossed around everywhere.

当我问他们，达成一致到底意味着什么？

When I ask them, what is getting on the same page?

他们的回答是：我不知道。

The answer is, I don't know.

我只是想和他们聊聊这件事。

I just want to talk about it.

所以谈到钱的时候，当然，我们需要了解那些数字。

So when it comes to money, yes, there are the numbers that we need to understand, of course.

但我经常告诉人们，你对钱的感受，和你银行账户里的金额几乎没有关联。

But what I often tell people, the way you feel about money is highly uncorrelated to the amount in your bank account.

这就是为什么我接触过这么多百万富翁，他们仍然为钱担忧。

That is why I speak to so many multimillionaires who still worry about money.

他们认为，只要我再有五万美元、五十万美元、五百万美元就够了，那你觉得呢？

They think if I just have 50,000 more, 500,000 more, $5,000,000 more, Well, guess what?

我邀请过所有这些人在我的播客中做客，但他们依然为钱担忧。

I've had all those folks on my podcast, and they still worry about money.

这意味着，要掌控你与金钱的关系，你需要做两件事。

That means there's two things you need to do to master your relationship with money.

第一，你得了解你的财务状况。

One, you got to know your numbers.

这是一门语言，你需要掌握个人理财的基本知识。

This is a language you have to learn the basics of personal finance.

第二，你要掌控你的金钱心理。

Two, you have to master your money psychology.

这意味着你需要改变自己谈论金钱和对待金钱的方式，从而最终改变你对金钱的感受。

That means you need to change the way that you talk about money and behave with money so that you can ultimately change the way you feel about money.

只要你做到这两点，你就能建立起非常健康的钱财关系。

You do those two things, you're going to have a very healthy relationship with money.

我们会深入探讨这些内容以及如何做到它们。

We'll go into all of those things and how you do them.

关于性别角色，过去几十年里，随着平等意识的提升，越来越多的女性进入职场，并在企业高层职位上获得更高的收入。

On this point of gender roles, obviously, has changed in the last couple of decades in terms of equality and more women are in work at higher level positions in corporations in the C suite earning much more money.

这导致了传统性别角色和伴侣间各自应承担角色的假设发生了转变。

This has caused a shift, I should say, in the sort of typical gender roles and assumptions of what what each gender is supposed to be doing in couples.

现在，随着越来越多的女性收入更高，在许多异性恋关系中，她们的收入往往会超过丈夫。

And I'm wondering now with more women earning more money, in many cases, they're going to be earning more than their husband in heterosexual relationships.

你是否观察到，由此产生了哪些新的动态和问题？比如，一些男性感到自卑，或女性因自己贡献更多而不满？

Have you seen new dynamics and new issues created because of this in terms of like, I know, insecure men feeling emasculated or the woman not being happy that she's contributing more?

我之所以问这个问题，是因为几个月前，我有一位嘉宾告诉我，他认为70%到80%的女性期望自己的伴侣收入高于自己。

And I ask this because I had someone on my podcast a couple of months back who said to me that I think seventy or 80% of women expect that their romantic partner will earn more than them.

但如今这个差距正在缩小，因为女性的收入正变得越来越高。

But that gap is closing now because women are earning more and more money.

我只是想知道，在那些女性收入更高的伴侣关系中，是否出现了问题。

I'm just wondering if you've seen in those couples scenarios where the woman earns more and it's causing problems.

我经常看到这种情况。

I've seen it all the time.

我经常看到这种情况。

I've seen it all the time.

我认为我们看到了不同的性别动态。

I think that we see different gender dynamics.

我记得有一次，我采访了一位年轻女性和她的男友。

I recall one episode where I spoke to a young woman and her boyfriend.

她大约40岁。

She was around 40 years old.

她的收入远超她的男友。

She made way more than her boyfriend.

猜猜她每月赚多少？

Care to guess how much she makes per month?

2万美元。

$20,000.

每月20万美元。

$200,000 per month.

她有一家公司。

She has a business.

生意非常好。

It's doing very well.

她大约40岁。

She's around the age of 40.

她的男朋友从小就没接受过关于金钱的教育。

Now her boyfriend was never taught about money when he was growing up.

大多数人都是如此。

Most people are not.

他从未学过投资。

He never learned about investing.

当然，当他12岁的时候，没人告诉他关于罗斯IRA的事。

Certainly, no one was telling him about a Roth IRA when he was 12 years old.

而且他已经开始了自己的生意，并且事业正在上升。

And he had started his own business, and he was on the upswing.

他每个月能赚几千美元。

He's making a few thousand dollars a month.

他真棒。

Good for him.

她每个月赚200美元。

She's making $200 a month.

她父母在她五岁时就开始跟她谈论投资。

Her parents started talking to her about investing when she was five years old.

所以我们这里已经看到了差异，不仅仅是性别上的，还有社会经济地位上的。

So here we already see a difference, not just in gender, but in socioeconomic status.

明白吗？

Okay?

随着时间推移，这种情况逐渐发展。

And over time, that progressed.

于是他们来找我，她说：我希望他偶尔请我吃饭。

So they come to me and she says, I want him to pay for dinner occasionally.

没问题。

Fine.

非常合理。

Super reasonable.

他甚至说：没问题。

He even said, no problem.

我愿意。

I want to.

于是他拿出信用卡，主动提出买单。

So he would take his credit card out, and he would offer to pay.

但她却说：不用了。

And she would say, no.

我希望你为你的个人退休账户多做些贡献。

I want you to contribute more to your IRA.

所以在很多方面，她希望他来付钱。

So in many ways, she wanted him to pay.

她希望感受到被照顾，这完全合理。

She wanted to feel taken care of, which is totally reasonable.

但当他主动提出时，她却说不用。

But when he offered, she said no.

这正是我经常看到的情况：我以为自己想要某样东西，但当真正得到时，却发现并不真的想要。

So this is the kind of thing that I often see, which is I think I want one thing, but when I get that thing, I don't actually want it.

它并没有让我感受到我原本以为会有的那种感觉。

It doesn't make me feel the way I thought it would.

我想多赚五万美元。

I want to earn 50 ks more.

我觉得这样会让我感到安全。

I think that'll make me feel safe.

天啊。

Oh my god.

我现在多赚了五万。

I am earning 50 ks more.

这实际上并没有改变我的感受。

It doesn't actually change the way I feel.

我曾帮助一对夫妇理解他们为什么会对金钱有这种感受。

So I worked with this couple, and I helped them understand why they both felt this way about money.

从外面看，这简直太不理性了。

And, you know, from the outside, it's like, this is so irrational.

赚得更多，就多花点呗。

If you make more, just pay more.

如果是我处在那种情况下，等等等等。

If I were in that situation, etcetera, etcetera.

这些都不重要。

None of that stuff matters.

当你身处这样一段关系中的伴侣时，你会有某种感受，我们必须分别与你们各自合作，而不是听别人怎么说。

When you are in the couple in that relationship, you will feel a certain way, and we got to work with you individually, not what everybody else says.

最终，他们得出的结论是：她希望他偶尔请吃饭，但同时也希望他为自己的个人退休账户供款。

In the end, the conclusion that they came to was she wanted him to occasionally pay for dinner, but she also wanted him to fill up his IRA.

于是他们就这么做了。

So this is what they did.

每次他们外出吃饭前，她都会把她的信用卡给他，并说：给你，今晚你来付账。

Every so often before they went out to dinner, she would give him her credit card, and she would say, here, I want you to pay for tonight.

他说：好的。

And he said, cool.

他理解了她的意思。

He understood it.

他们出去吃饭，就这样做了。

They went out, and that's what they did.

现在，对我们这些旁观者来说，这种互动简直毫无道理。

Now to us sitting here, we're like, this dance makes no sense.

他们为什么不直接这么办或那么办呢？

Why don't they just do it this way or that way?

猜猜怎么着？

Guess what?

我们每个人都有些在金钱上不理智的行为。

Every single one of us has some irrational thing we do with money.

我们每个人都是如此。

Every single one of us.

我认为我们现在准备好真正地讨论我们是如何在金钱上不理智的了。

And I think that we are ready to actually have conversations about how we are irrational.

金钱不仅仅是纸面上的数字。

Money is not just dollars and cents on a page.

这就是为什么即使你拥有的钱比你曾经想象的还要多，你还是对金钱感觉不好。

That's why you don't feel good about money even when you have more than you ever thought you would.

这就是为什么你担心金钱，却从未读过一本个人理财的书。

That's why you worry about money, but you have never read a single book on personal finance.

我们都不理性，包括我。

We are all irrational, including me.

当你进入一段关系时，你必须承认这一点。

And when you get into a relationship, you got to acknowledge that.

然后你可以问：我们共同的理想生活是什么样的？

And then you get to say, hey, what is our vision of a rich life together?

让我们一起打造它。

Let's build that.

如果这意味着我们每两个月为信用卡的事跳个小舞，那也没关系。

If it means we do a little dance about the credit card once every two months, fine.

我们俩都感觉好吗？

Do we both feel good?

这公平吗？

Is it fair?

那我就没问题了。

Then I'm good with it.

她那边到底怎么了？

What's going on there with her?

因为听起来像是她的理智和内心在斗争，或者说是社会期望在影响她，但她的大脑却在说：不，去投资IRA吧。

Because it it sounds like there's this battle between her mind and maybe her heart, or it's almost like the social expectation is coming in, but then her brain is saying, no, invest in the IRA.

IRA，对于不知道的人来说，在其他地方是

And an IRA, for anyone that doesn't know in other parts of It's

一种退休账户。

a retirement account.

一种退休账户。

A retirement account.

所以她说，要为未来投资，同时也要请我吃饭。

So she's saying invest in the future, also buy my dinner.

其实是一回事。

Well, it's the same it's the same.

我们都有这些被社会灌输的想法，但自己又不太认同，也不确定该怎么做。

We all have these things that society has told us, but then we don't quite agree and we're not sure what to do.

上次我来这里时，我们讨论过，你并不一定需要买房才能过上富足的生活。

Last time I was here, we talked about how you don't necessarily need to buy a house in order to live a rich life.

就我而言，过去二十年我一直是主动选择租房，并且通过租房并将差额进行投资，我赚的钱比买房还要多。

And in my case, I have rented for the last twenty years by choice, and I made more money renting and investing the difference than I would have by buying a house.

这让人们感到震惊。

And this is shocking to people.

就像我们上次看到的评论那样。

Like, we saw the comments last time.

人们都炸锅了。

People went berserk.

你怎么能谈论租房呢？

How can you talk about renting?

你只是在把钱白白花在房租上。

You're just throwing money away on rent.

这种观念我们几代人一直被灌输：要想成功，就必须买房。

And this is something we have been fed constantly for generations that in order to be successful, you must buy a house.

所以当像我这样的人出现，说实际上你应该算一算账，因为有时候租房反而更好时，人们都会感到震惊。

So when somebody like me comes around and says, actually, you should run the numbers because sometimes renting can be better, People are shocked.

当你希望被照顾、被对待，或者希望别人支付第一顿约会的费用时，情况也是一样。

Same thing with if you want to be taken care of or you want someone to treat you or you want someone to pay for the first date.

当男性谈论自己作为供养者时，情况也是如此。

Same thing when men come and they talk about being a provider.

但在某些关系中，如果他们实际收入更低，我会对他们说：如果我们看数据，你根本不是供养者。

But in certain relationships where they actually earn less, I'll say to them, if we look at the numbers, you're not the provider.

那你是谁呢？

So who are you?

他们顿时语塞。

And they're stumped.

这时，我们就需要开始思考：也许我们从小被灌输的观念，并不完全适用于我们今天的处境，而这没关系。

And that is when we need to start grappling with the idea that maybe what we were told is not exactly true for us in our situation today, And that's okay.

你

Do you

你觉得，当女性收入高于男性时，这会在关系动态和那种男性气概受损等方面引发更多问题吗？根据你的观察？

think it causes more problems when the in terms of the relationship dynamics and that sort of emasculation and, you know, that the man not feeling like a provider when the woman earns more money than the man from what you've seen?

不一定。

Not necessarily.

我认为这与我们习惯的框架不同。

I think that it is a different framework than we're used to.

是的。

Yeah.

比如，当我想到我父母，我妈妈一直待在家里照顾我们。

When we think about my parents, for example, my mom stayed home with us.

我爸爸出去工作，是家里唯一的收入来源。

My dad went to work, single earner.

很简单。

Simple.

每个人都清楚自己的位置和角色。

Everybody knew where they stood, what the roles were.

这非常简单。

It was very simple.

今天要做到这一点非常困难。

It's very difficult to do that today.

住房历来很昂贵。

Housing is historically expensive.

医疗费用很高，尤其是在美国。

Healthcare is expensive, especially in The US.

所以需要两个人共同赚钱。

And so you have two people earning.

在城市里，二十多岁的年轻女性收入比男性更高。

In urban cities, you have young women earning more than men in their 20s.

我们很多人都在思考，这对我和我的伴侣以及我们的关系意味着什么。

A lot of us are trying to figure out what does this role mean for me and for my partner and for our relationship.

这使得情况变得复杂。

That makes it tricky.

我在想，是不是很多男性只是选择在自我完善之前保持单身，因为如果我坦诚地说，这可能就是我会走的路。

I wonder if a lot of men are just choosing to remain single until they've kind of worked on themselves because I think actually that's probably the path I would have taken if I'm being completely honest.

嗯，我确实这么做了，直到我能真正提供保障之前，我都没有过恋爱关系。

Well, I kind of did take is I didn't have a relationship until I was able to really provide.

哦，那个‘P’字。

Oh, the p word.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

这个词是从哪儿来的？

And where did that word come from?

提供。

Provide.

就像看着我父亲，看着电影，方方面面都是这样。

Like watching my father, watching movies, everything.

没错。

Exactly.

对。

Yeah.

从来没有人会说，你是个提供者，但我们从无数不同的角度中学到了这一点。

No one ever says, like, you are a provider, but we learn it from a million different perspectives.

而且，是的，我经常听到很多男生这么说。

And, yeah, I hear a lot of guys.

我的意思是，当我住在纽约时，我有很多单身朋友，大家聊的话题都是：我还没准备好结婚。

I mean, when I was living in New York and I had a lot of single friends, topic of conversation was, I'm not ready to get married.

我需要先在事业上达到某个阶段。

I need to get to a certain point in my career first.

我们为此用了这么多词，但内心深处，其实总在表达一种感受，你知道吗？

We have all these words for it, and deep down, there's a feeling that we're often expressing, you know?

也许我还没准备好。

Maybe I'm not ready.

也许我不够好。

Maybe I'm not enough.

也许在我做我想做的事之前，我需要先做到X、Y、Z。

Maybe I need to do X, Y, Z before I do the thing that I want.

因此，当我们谈论关系和金钱时，其中一部分就是让我们真正把这个问题摊开来讲。

And so part of what we talk about when it comes to relationships and money is like, let's actually shine a light on that.

别对此避而不谈。

Let's not be shy about it.

如果你希望别人请你吃饭，没问题。

If you want someone to pay for your dinner, fine.

这完全没问题。

That's totally fine.

让我们坦诚地谈一谈。

Let's have that conversation.

如果你希望成为家里唯一的经济支柱，可以。

If you want to be the sole earner in your household, okay.

让我们看看需要什么。

Let's see what it would take.

而我们常常缺乏这样的对话。

And too often, we don't have those conversations.

我们只是绕着它们转了五十年。

We just dance around them for fifty years.

那么第一次约会该谁付钱呢？

Who should pay for the first date then?

我的答案是：这不重要。

My answer is doesn't matter.

如果提出约会的人付钱当然很好，但我认为我们花太多时间纠结于第一次约会，却太少考虑接下来的14625天。

It would be nice if the person who suggested the date pays, but I think we spend way too much time focusing on the first date and way too little time thinking about the next fourteen thousand six hundred and twenty five days.

就像一对只痴迷于婚礼的夫妻。

It's like a couple who's obsessed with the wedding.

没问题。

Fine.

你想要一场美好的婚礼。

You want a nice wedding.

很好。

Great.

那婚姻呢？

What about the marriage?

钱的问题也是一样。

Same thing with money.

第一次约会，好吧，我们可以谈一谈。

First date, okay, we can have that conversation.

但你难道不更关心你的伴侣如何看待金钱、如何谈论金钱吗？

But aren't you more interested in how your partner thinks about money and talks about money?

他们是吝啬鬼吗？

Are they a cheapskate?

他们大方吗？

Are they generous?

他们是富足的吗？

Are they abundant?

他们成长的环境和你一样还是不同？

Did they grow up the same or different than you?

这是我们从来不谈的事情。

That is something we don't talk about.

与此同时，我们在YouTube上有五百万个视频在讨论第一次约会谁付钱。

Meanwhile, we have 5,000,000 YouTube videos on who's going to pay on the first date.

我们忽略了真正重要的点。

We are missing the real point.

关系中金钱的意义不仅仅在于第一次约会。

The point of money in a relationship is not just about the first date.

这很吸引点击，但关键是我们是否对金钱有相同的看法？

That's fun for clicks, but it's about do we see money the same way?

我们是否能产生共鸣？

Do we connect?

我们是要朝着同一个方向努力，还是你做你的，我做我的？

Are we going to be rowing in the same direction, or are you going to be doing that and I'm doing this?

而且我们永远无法达成一致。

And we can never get aligned.

第一印象只有一次机会。

You can only make a first impression once.

对吧？

Right?

如果你是男生，我就是这么觉得的。

And if you are a guy, this is just how I feel anyway.

如果我跟一个女生约会，第一次约会，我们在一家不错的餐厅

If I go on a date, a first date with a woman and we have a wonderful date, we you know, it's a nice restaurant

是的。

Yeah.

到了一天结束的时候，我转过身对她说：我们AA账单吧？

And then it gets to the end of the day, and then I turn to her and say, should we split the bill?

说实话，我根本没法一本正经地说出来。

I can't even say it with a straight face, frankly.

我绝对不可能让她付钱。

I couldn't I definitely couldn't ask her to pay.

是的。

Yeah.

我就是完全做不到。

I just I just could never.

如果我匿名调查我十个女性朋友，问她们：第一次约会时，对方让你付钱，你会有什么感觉？

And if I think if you anonymously polled 10 of my female friends and said, how would you feel if on the first date the guy asked you to pay?

嗯。

Mhmm.

我认为她们私下里会说，这有点让人倒胃口。

I think privately, they would say, that's a bit of a turnoff.

这是个危险信号。

That's a red flag.

那是一种

That's an

我认为这可能是对的。

I think probably that's true.

而且，这再次说明了社会化的强大力量。

And, again, goes to the power of socialization.

对吧？

Right?

文化是很难改变的。

Like, culture is very difficult to change.

我们必须承认这一点。

We got to admit that.

我们必须正视这一点。

We got to acknowledge that.

当我约会的时候，我付过约会的费用，所以我对此没有意见。

And when I was dating, I paid for dates, so I don't have a problem with it.

我喜欢大方。

I like to be generous.

我认为当你处于一段关系中时，你会希望知道你的伴侣也很慷慨。

I think that when you are in a relationship, you like to know that your partner is generous too.

现在，慷慨有多种表现方式。

Now, generous comes in lots of ways.

可能是支付约会的开销。

It could be paying for dates.

可能是计划一次旅行。

It could be planning a trip.

可能是体贴入微，比如因为我们快用完牙膏了，就多买一管。

It could be being thoughtful and, you know, buying extra toothpaste because we're running low.

慷慨的方式有很多，但对我来说，慷慨是一种价值观。

There's so many different ways to be generous, but generosity for me would be a value.

支付约会费用，当然可以。

Paying for a date, sure.

我付过约会的费用。

I paid for dates.

我很乐意这么做。

I'm happy to.

我喜欢这样做。

I like to do it.

但对我来说，关系中的慷慨比约会本身更值得讨论。

But generosity to me is way more important to talk about that in a relationship versus the date itself.

因为骑士精神，你知道，这种男人应该在这些方面主导的想法，比如开门，是的。

Because chivalry, you know, this this idea that the man is to lead in that regard and to, you know, open the door Yeah.

还有开车门、拉出椅子。

And open the car door and pull out the chair.

是的。

Yeah.

但你想想。

But think about it.

我同意所有这些观点。

I agree with all that stuff.

我支持这一点。

I I'm I support it.

但当你告诉男性他们应该保持绅士风度，却没有提供真正的背景或指导时，想想这传递了什么样的信息。

But think about what message that sends when you tell men you're supposed to be chivalrous, but there's no real context, no real teaching around it.

假设现在有一个26岁的男性，他的收入比女朋友低。

And let's say you have a 26 year old guy now who's earning less than his girlfriend.

他想表现得绅士，但他会想：看看我们的银行账户吧。

So he wants to be chivalrous, but for him, he's like, Well, look at our bank accounts.

因此，我想向大家强调的是，你可以保持绅士风度。

And so what I want to emphasize to people is you can be chivalrous.

你可以慷慨大方。

You could be generous.

金钱只是其中很小的一部分。

Money is just a small part of that.

是的

Yeah.

让我们不要过分纠结于谁付塔帕斯的钱。

Let's not over fixate on who's paying for tapas.

好吗？

Okay?

让我们真正思考一些重要的事情。

And let's actually think about the important things.

谈到钱，我们太过于纠结于几美元的小问题。

When it comes to money, we are so obsessed with $3 questions.

人们一直在纠结，我该不该买这杯咖啡？

People are obsessing over, should I buy this coffee?

我付得起这道开胃菜吗？

Can I afford this appetizer?

没完没了地讨论这些几美元的小问题。

On and on and on about $3 questions.

我们完全忽略了价值三万美元或三十万美元的问题。

We totally neglect the $30,000 questions or the $300,000 questions.

这个人和我在财务上是否契合？

Is this person financially aligned with me?

我该怎么弄清楚呢？

How do I even find out?

我每个月是否把收入的5%到10%用于投资？

Am I investing five to 10% of take home pay every month?

我们是一起在做吗？

Are we doing it together?

我们是否经常、主动且积极地谈论金钱？

Do we talk about money regularly and proactively and positively?

这些事情才重要，它们实际上价值数十万美元。

Those things matter, and they're actually worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

这些三美元的问题，比如谁付小吃钱、要不要买杯拿铁，根本无关紧要。

These $3 questions, including who's paying for appetizers or should I buy a latte, irrelevant.

事实上，只要把人生中重要的大事处理好，你就买得起任何你想吃的开胃菜。

In fact, get get the big answers in life right, and you can buy all the appetizers you ever want.

那么，亲密关系中的财务警报信号有哪些呢？

What are the financial red flags in a relationship then?

第一，对方不愿意谈论金钱。

Number one is they don't wanna talk about money.

如果你不愿意谈钱，那就是警报，最大的警报。

If you don't wanna talk about money, red flag, the biggest red flag of all.

因为我们对金钱的看法可能不同。

Because we could differ on how we see money.

我们甚至在一些事情上的价值观也可能不同。

We can even have different values for a few things.

但如果你的伴侣就是拒绝谈论金钱，那你就有大问题了。

But if your partner simply will not talk about money, you have a huge problem.

为什么？

Why?