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我最常思考的事情，尤其是在我外出时，包括现在坐在SEO工作室里，就是我们所使用的Wi-Fi和互联网。
The thing I think about most, especially when I'm on the go, also when I'm sat here in the Diary of SEO studio is the Wi Fi and Internet that we have to work with.
事实上，每当我离开工作室拍摄时，一到达目的地，我做的第一件事就是打开一个应用，进行速度测试，看看信号有多强。
In fact, anytime I'm filming away from the studio, one of the first things I do is when I arrive, I open up an app and do a speed test to see how strong the signal is.
我发给团队的关于不同地点Wi-Fi信号的截图数量，实际上多得惊人。
And the number of screenshots I've sent to my team about WiFi signals at different locations is actually pretty crazy.
这对我来说非常重要，因为拥有快速的Wi-Fi是一项巨大的竞争优势。
It matters that much to me because it's such a competitive advantage to have fast WiFi.
因为任何一天，如果我正在录制，比如和播客嘉宾连续录上好几个小时的素材，我通常需要让团队把文件传给我们在伦敦的团队进行剪辑。
Because on any given day, if I'm recording, let's say hours and hours of footage with a podcast guest, I then often have to have my team send that across to our London team who then do the edit.
所以，快速的Wi-Fi互联网不是可有可无的。
So fast WiFi Internet is not a nice to have.
它绝对是业务运营的关键所在。
It is absolutely business mission critical.
因此，在为我目前所在的这个新洛杉矶工作室寻找最佳的互联网和Wi-Fi供应商时，我们考察了所有选项，最终发现，提供最稳定连接且价格最便宜的是今天的赞助商Spectrum Business。
So when it came to finding the best provider who could supply Internet and WiFi to our new LA studio, which I'm sat in right now, We looked at every single option and of all the providers, the one that came back with the steadiest connection as well as being the cheapest was today's sponsor Spectrum Business.
Spectrum Business 为各种规模的企业提供快速、可靠的互联网、先进的Wi-Fi、电话、电视和移动服务。
Spectrum Business keeps businesses of all sizes connected with fast, reliable internet, advanced Wi Fi, phone, TV and mobile services.
数百万企业主已经依赖Spectrum来保持业务连接。
Millions of business owners already rely on Spectrum to keep their operations connected.
所以，如果你想加入他们，请前往 spectrum.com/business 了解更多信息。
So if you want to join them, head to spectrum.com/business to learn more.
网址是 spectrum.com/business。
That's spectrum.com/business.
适用限制条件。
Restrictions apply.
服务并非在所有地区都可用。
Service not available in all areas.
如果要你选择一个维系爱情的相处仪式，你会选哪个？
If you had to give one relationship ritual to stay in love, what would that be?
每周一次，告诉你的伴侣你爱他们的三件事，以及他们可以改进的三件事。
Once a week, tell your partner three things that you love about them and three things they could have done better.
但有些人可能会想，如果我告诉戴夫我们要开始互相写这些便条，他肯定会觉得别扭。
But some people thinking, well, if I told Dave that we're gonna start writing these notes to each other, he's gonna cringe.
我不会这么做的。
I'm not gonna do it.
胡说八道。
Bullshit.
老实说，戴夫能说出三件他喜欢你的事情吗？
Honestly, Dave can't name three things he likes about you?
真的吗，戴夫？
Really, Dave?
这要求很高吗？
Is that a big ask?
我绝对不认同这种说法。
I I absolutely call bullshit on that.
更大的问题是，对你来说，这件事哪里让你感到不舒服？
The bigger question is, what's uncomfortable about that for you?
而且，我不是心理治疗师。
And look, I'm not a therapist.
我是个离婚律师。
I'm a divorce lawyer.
我代理过许多顶尖的头脑、运动员和企业家，但他们在这方面和任何人一样糟糕，因为我们内心都害怕去探究‘你爱我什么？’
I represent some of the most high achieving minds, athletes, entrepreneurs, and they're just as bad at this as anybody because there's a part of us that's afraid to poke at what do you love about me?
我哪里做错了？
What am I getting wrong?
这不仅仅适用于恋爱关系。
And it's not just romantic relationships.
比如，我妈妈十年前在与癌症长期抗争后去世了。
Like, my mom died ten years ago after a long battle with cancer.
我们之间有很多话本该说却没说。
There was a lot between us that needed to be said and wasn't said.
我内心有一部分希望她还在世，这样我就能为一些我做错的事向她道歉，但我们从不这么做。
And there's a part of me that wishes she was here so that I could have apologized for some things that I got wrong, but we don't do that.
因为人们就是不愿意承受短暂的不适。
Because people just don't want temporary discomfort.
所以我认为，爱、承诺，以及说‘我愿意给他们机会伤害我’，这其中蕴含着深刻的勇气。
And so I think there's something deeply courageous about love, about commitment, about saying, I'm gonna give them the opportunity to hurt me.
这很可怕，但我很勇敢。
Like, it's scary, but I'm brave.
你知道，你的婚姻终将结束。
You know, your marriage will end.
它要么以死亡告终，要么以离婚收场。
It ends in death or divorce.
而对于一对走到关系尽头的伴侣来说，如果说出‘这个人帮助我成为了最真实的自己’，
And for two people at the end of their relationship to say, this person helped me become the most authentic version of myself.
那就是你能给予他的最珍贵的礼物。
That's the greatest gift you could give to him.
从这张照片中你可以看到，我刚刚向我的未婚妻求婚了，我想请教一下如何才能不把这件事搞砸。
You can see from this photo, I just proposed to my fiance, and I'd like some advice on how not to mess this up.
我的未婚妻如果最终走进你的诊所，她最可能因为什么原因来呢？
Like, if my fiance ends up walking into your practice, what is the reason she's likely to end up there?
我看到有女性坐在我对面，与一位优秀的养家者、坚强的保护者离婚，最主要的原因是
The number one reason that I'm gonna have a woman sitting across from me divorcing someone who's a great provider, great protector is
这一点并不是人人都能明白的。
That is not obvious to everybody.
这足以让我一辈子都有生意做。
And it'll keep me in business for the rest of my life.
各位，在本集开始前，我想请大家帮个忙。
Guys, I've got a favor to ask before this episode begins.
经常听这个节目的听众中，有69%的人还没有点击关注按钮。
69% of you that listen to the show frequently haven't yet hit the follow button.
关注按钮非常有用，因为这样你就不会错过最精彩的节目。
And that follow button is very smart because it means you won't miss the best episodes.
如果你关注了一个节目，算法会把该节目最精彩的集数显著地推送到你的信息流中。
The algorithm, if you follow a show, will deliver you the best episodes from that show very prominently in your feed.
所以当我们有这档节目中最棒的集数、被分享最多、评分最高的集数时，我希望你能知道。
So when we have our best episodes on this show, the most shared episodes, the most rated episodes, I would love you to know.
而你了解这些的简单方法就是点击关注按钮。
And the simple way for you to know that is to hit that follow button.
非常非常非常感谢你。
Thank you so, so, so much.
詹姆斯。
James.
正如你从这张照片看到的，我刚刚向我的未婚妻求婚了，她很高兴地答应了。
As you can see from this photo, I just proposed to my fiancee, and gladly she said, yes.
所以我把你请到这里，部分原因是想请你给我一些建议，告诉我如何避免搞砸这件事。
So I've brought you here in part because I'd like some advice on how not to mess this up.
因为根据我之前和你的交流，我知道大约有百分之五十的人在跪下求婚时都会以某种方式搞砸。
Because I know from speaking to you previously, about fifty percent of people that get down on their knee end up messing it up in some way.
不过在我们深入讨论之前，是的。
Before we get into this though Yeah.
在你帮我弄清楚如何保持爱情、不搞砸之前，是的。
And before you help me figure out how to stay in love and not mess it up Yeah.
从社会层面来看，我们在爱情方面处于什么状态？
Where do you find us at as it relates to love as a society?
如果你从宏观角度审视社会对爱情这一主题的关系，以及人们维系爱情、寻找爱情和理解爱情的能力，我们现在的状况如何？
If you were to zoom out and diagnose society's relationship with the subject of love and their, ability to keep it, find it, and understand it, where are we?
我认为，作为文化，我们正处在一个非常不自在的时刻。
I think we we're in this really uncomfortable moment as culture.
我认为，我们最渴望的莫过于真实的连接。
I think we we want more than anything to feel real connection.
我认为，我们厌倦了只是盯着屏幕。
I think we're sick of just looking at screens.
我认为，疫情结束后，我们感受到一种愿望：我想回到现实世界，与他人相处，感受真实的人的温暖。
I think we came out of the pandemic with a feeling of, okay, I want to be in the world with other people and feel the warmth of real people.
然而，我们在寻找连接和维持连接方面，可用的工具却越来越少，而这两者是完全不同的技能。
And yet, we have an increasingly lower number of useful tools in finding connection and staying connected, which are two totally different skills.
然而，我们比以往任何时候都更渴望它。
And yet, we're yearning for it more than ever.
所以我们比以往任何时候都更饥饿，却不知道该如何烹饪。
So we're more hungry than we've ever been, and we have no idea how to cook.
在你脑海中，因为你见过那么多人经历离婚和关系破裂，是的。
In your head, because you've seen so many people go through divorce and relationships fail Yeah.
一定有一份清单，列出了我可能搞砸的事情。
Must be a sort of checklist of things that I'm likely to mess up.
是的。
Yeah.
我的意思是，你知道，当我听说你订婚的时候，我非常高兴，因为我总是为人们加油。
I mean, well, you know, first of all, when I when I knew you know, heard you got engaged, I was thrilled because I'm always cheering for people.
我真的这么想。
I really am.
我总是为爱情加油。
I'm always cheering for love.
所以我认为，在我们之前的对话中，你显然是一个非常深情的人。
And so I think in our prior conversations, you're obviously someone who loves very deeply.
而你找到了这样一个人，在我看来，这是最美好的事情。
And the fact that you found this person, you know, to me is the most lovely thing.
你知道，我认为从根本上说，这个人是你最爱的人。
You know, I think at its core, this is your favorite person.
我实在想不出还有什么比这更美好的了。
I just can't think of anything more lovely than that.
比如，你看着一个人，心里想着：你是我最爱的人。
Like the idea that you would look at a person and go, You're my favorite person.
而那个人看着你，也会说：你是我最爱的人。
And that person would look at you and say, You're my favorite person.
而且你知道，这是真的。
And that you would know that it's true.
当他们这么说的时候，你知道这是真心的。
Like, when they say it, that it's true.
对我来说，这感觉是值得追求的东西。
Like, that feels to me like something worth pursuing.
这感觉像是，即使我努力去争取却失败了，我也会再试一次。
That feels like something that if I tried to get it and I failed, I'd try again.
因为如果你能找到它，那就是世界上最好的事情之一。
Because if you could find it, it's just about the greatest thing in the world.
我的意思是，我知道我可能没机会在你的婚礼上致辞，但我要说，如果我要致辞，我会说我对你们有两个愿望。
Like, the thought to me that, you know, I won't get to give a toast at your wedding, but I will say that if I was going to give the toast, it would be that there are two wishes I have for you.
你的婚姻终将结束。
You know, your marriage will end.
我的意思是，我之前在我们最初的对话中就跟你说过。
I mean, I've said it to you before in one of our first conversations.
每段婚姻都会结束。
Every marriage ends.
它会以死亡或离婚告终。
It ends in death or divorce.
我希望你的婚姻是因死亡而结束。
I hope yours ends in death.
我希望当它因死亡而结束时，能让你先走，当你临终时，她能对你或周围的人说：你帮助我成为了最真实的自己。
And I hope when it ends in death that let's send you off first that when you're dying, that she will say, hopefully to you or to those around, You helped me become the most authentic version of myself.
你依然是我最喜欢的人。
And you're still my favorite person.
因为我想不出比这更大的祝福了。
Because I can't think of a greater blessing than that.
比如，两个人在生命尽头、关系终结时，能说：这个人帮助我成为了最真实的自己，而且他依然是我最喜欢的人。
Like, for two people at the end of their life, at the end of their relationship, to say, This person helped me become the most authentic version of myself, and they're still my favorite person.
我认为，这是你能给予另一个人的最伟大的礼物。
That's the greatest gift you could give to another human being, I think.
我喜欢这样的想法：即使明知这有风险，可能不会成功，从统计上看成功率很低，但我仍愿意尝试，因为你知道，它为我的生活增添了某种意义，我也为她的生活带来了某种价值。
And I like the idea that even in the face of knowing that this is risky, this is something that may not work, this is something that statistically the odds are against, But I'm gonna give it a shot because, you know, there's something it adds to my life, and there's something I add to her life.
而且，我们会试着去做的。
And, you know, we're gonna we're gonna give it a shot.
我不知道。
I don't know.
我觉得这非常美。
I I found that very beautiful.
作为一名离婚律师，同时又非常热爱爱情，你有没有试图劝阻某人不要离婚？
As a divorce lawyer who's also a very big fan of love, do you ever find yourself trying to get someone not to get a divorce?
有没有过这样的情况，你看到他们的处境后心想：你知道吗？
Has there ever been an instance where you you looked at the situation and thought, you know what?
他们应该复合。
They should just get back together.
是的。
Yeah.
我要说的是，我最初的念头通常是：这个人是否准确地感知了他们所处的处境？
What I'll say is my first thought is often, is this person accurately perceiving the situation that they're in?
人们会来找我，他们会说：其实，人们来找我时所处的情况各不相同。
So people will come in and they'll say You know, really, people come to me in very different situations.
有时候人们会来找我，他们已经收到了离婚传票，婚姻已经结束了。
So sometimes people will come to me, and they've been served with divorce papers, like the marriage is over.
现在的问题是，好吧，我们必须采取防御姿态。
And now it's about, okay, we have to react defensively.
所以，你知道，当人们来到我的办公室时，情况往往非常糟糕、支离破碎，他们来找我就是为了这个特定目的。
So, you know, when people come to my office, the situation is often so dire and so broken that they're coming in to hire me for that specific purpose.
但我必须说，毫无疑问，如果我感觉到这个人如果能接受个体心理咨询，或许能帮助他们以不同的视角看待这段关系，从而以不同的方式对待这段关系，我一定会毫不犹豫地推荐他们去接受治疗。
But I will say, without question, that if I get any sense that this person would either, A, benefit from individual therapy that might help them view the relationship differently and come to the relationship differently, I will not hesitate to refer them.
还有一些人，这种情况比你想象的更常见——关系中发生了可怕的事情。
And then there are people that and it's more common than you'd think that something awful has happened in the relationship.
他们有了外遇，然后被发现了。
They had an affair and got caught.
他们发现了自己的配偶有外遇。
They caught their spouse having an affair.
他们丢了工作，这在他们的关系中引发了巨大的矛盾。
They've lost their job, and it created tremendous discord in their relationship.
这常常让我觉得，或许需要心理健康专业人士介入，或者双方都深呼吸、冷静一下，尤其是当有孩子参与时，但即使没有孩子也是如此。
And that often will feel to me like something that perhaps would benefit from the intervention of mental health professionals or everyone just taking a breath and taking a minute, especially when there's kids involved, but even when there aren't.
你的客户主要是男性还是女性？
Are your clients predominantly men or women?
基本上是男女各半。
It's pretty much an even split.
真的吗？
Really?
是的。
Yeah.
我代理的很多客户是成就极高、净资产丰厚的个人，或者是与他们结婚的人。
I represent a lot of either very high achieving, high net worth individuals or people married to them.
那么，这两个群体来找你的原因不同吗？
And are the reasons that they come to you, those two different groups, different?
比如，他们想要分开的原因，本质上有什么不同吗？
Like, the reason why they want a separation, is it fundamentally different?
以出轨这个具体例子来说，我认为男性被发现出轨的次数比女性更多。
So the specific example of cheating, I would say men get caught cheating more often than women.
这是否意味着他们出轨的次数更多？
Does that mean they cheat more?
不是。
No.
这意味着他们更容易被发现出轨。
It means they get caught cheating more.
我认为没有人能真正准确地说出这一点。
I don't think that anyone could really, truly, accurately say.
你知道，人们喜欢统计数据，我也知道嘉宾们常会上来说，‘百分之七十二的人在……’，但我要说的是，我所有的观点都基于我在25年中见证婚姻破裂所观察到的情况。
You know, I know people love statistics, I know that guests have a tendency to come on and say, Well, seventy two percent of people who are Everything I'm saying is based on what I've observed in 25 facilitating the demise of marriages.
男性和女性都会出轨。
Men and women both cheat.
男性出轨的方式比女性更散漫、更愚蠢。
Men cheat in just more scattershot stupid ways than women do.
根据我的专业经验，当女性出轨时，通常意味着这段关系已经走到了尽头。
When women cheat, in my experience professionally, it's usually an indication of like the it's the absolute end of this relationship.
这段关系已经结束了，而这种行为要么是她寻找的一个情感避风港，要么是她最后的机会，让她在内心确认这段关系真的结束了。
The relationship is over, and this is either a soft place to land or it's sort of a final opportunity for this person to solidify this woman to solidify in her head that, yeah, this thing is over.
而对男性来说，到目前为止，我已经见过数百名男性坐在我对面，他们要么被发现有外遇，要么觉得自己即将被发现有外遇。
Whereas men, I've really had hundreds at this point of men sit across from me who've been caught in an affair or sense that they're about to get caught in an affair.
他们对我说：‘这和我妻子一点关系都没有。’
And they say to me like, Yeah, this had nothing to do with my wife.
我说，我爱我的妻子。
Like, I love my wife.
这和她一点关系都没有。
It had nothing to do with that.
我只是……不知道。
It just I don't know.
我真的不知道我为什么会做这种事。
I just I don't know why I did what I did.
我只是做了。
I just did it.
我知道每个人都想这么说，因为在文明社会里，听到这种事会觉得很震惊，‘天啊，真不敢相信。’
And I I know everyone kind of wants to because in civilized society, it feels good to kind of go like, oh, I can't believe that.
怎么会有人说出这种话？
That's how could someone say that?
但闭嘴吧。
But shut up.
如果你的橱柜里有薯片，你知道你不该吃它们。
Like, if you have you have potato chips in your cabinet, you know, you you know that you're not supposed to eat them.
你也不想吃它们。
You don't want to eat them.
你想要充满活力的健康生活。
You want vibrant, good health.
你想要照顾好自己。
You want to take care of you.
但它们就在那里。
But they're there.
它们就在那里。
They're there.
而你是人。
And you're human.
而且，我能更好地控制我的饮食环境，而不是我的大脑。
And like, I can control my food environment better than my brain.
每天早上醒来时，我有很强的意志力。
Like, I have a lot of resolve when I wake up in the morning.
但到了晚上七点或八点，当我有点累、漫长的一天结束了，我觉得自己该犒劳一下时，如果薯片在那儿，我就会吃掉它们。
But at about seven, 08:00 at night, when I'm a little bit tired and it's been a long day and I deserve something nice, If the potato chips are there, I'm eating the potato chips.
毕竟，我们是人。
Like, we're human.
我们是人。
We're human.
有时候，我们只是感到孤独、饥饿、愤怒、疲惫，或者这些因素的某种组合。
There are times where we're just feeling lonely or hungry or angry or tired or some combination of those factors.
而这种温暖的感觉——与他人建立联系、调情的喜悦、感受到自己与吸引你的那种人之间能量涌动的兴奋感——我认为这非常正常。
And this warm thing, like the connection to another person, the joy of flirtation, the excitement of feeling the energy between yourself and whatever it is type of person that you're attracted to, I think it's very normal.
而问题在于，你并没有考虑这些行为的后果。
And then the problem becomes that you're not thinking about the consequences of those things.
如果你考虑了这些行为的后果，你就会做出更好的选择。
If you were thinking about the consequences of those things, you'd make better choices.
但我们都知道，自律就是用你现在想要的，换取你最想要的。
But we all know that discipline is trading what you want now for what you want most.
有时候，很难记得你最想要的是什么，并且让它始终在你的视野中。
And sometimes it's hard to remember what you want most and to keep it in your line of sight.
所以根据你的经验，你知道，我未来的未婚妻某天走进你的诊所，从她的角度来看，她最可能因为什么原因来找你，希望你帮她摆脱和我的关系？
So from your experience, you know, my fiance someday ends up walking into your practice, what is the reason she's likely to end up there from her perspective, asking you to help her get out of the relationship with me?
最明显的情况，如果你要讲最普遍、最典型的案例，那就是你已经不再看见她，也不再留意她了。
The most obvious, if you're gonna be like the most the average, the statistical average, it would be that you've stopped seeing her and stopped noticing her.
在史蒂文看重的事情清单里，她排在中间甚至靠后的位置。
In in the list of things that are important to Steven, that she's somewhere in the middle to bottom of that list.
像你这样高成就者，有创业精神，过着你这样的生活——今天在这边海岸，明天又飞到另一个国家，随时被邀请参加各种有趣活动，却不得不做取舍，因为你不可能做完所有想做的事——通常她只是觉得自己在优先级中逐渐下滑。
Like, for a high achiever like you, for someone who's entrepreneurial in the manner that you are, for someone who lives the kind of lifestyle that you do, where you're on this coast one day and this country another flying here on a moment's notice and getting invitations to interesting things and you have to triage because you couldn't possibly do all the things that you'd like to do, it usually would be that she just feels herself slipping in the rankings.
我认为这通常并不是因为你那种我刚才描述的生活方式本身造成的。
And I think that that is often not a function of what you're like, lifestyle I just described.
而是因为你有没有特意安排时间把她融入其中。
It's a function of where you take time to fit her into that.
因为我确实发现过大量案例——这在情感咨询中很常见——那些人生活充满强度，日程混乱不堪。
Because I genuinely have found tremendous number of examples of people whoand this is in the relationship workwho have that level of intensity in their life and that level of chaos in their schedule.
生活节奏难以预测。
And it's unpredictable.
但他们总能每天早上、下午，或偶尔地，持续地抽出时间说：嘿，我录完音之间有几分钟空闲。
But they have that ability every morning or every afternoon or every once in a while, but consistently to say, Hey, I have a minute between recordings.
我只是想让你知道，我刚刚在想你。
I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
或者，嘿，你知道吗，我开车从这儿到那儿的时候听到了那首歌，让我想起了你，我真期待下周见到你。
Or, Hey, you know, I heard that song when I was in the car from here to here, it makes me think of you, and I can't wait to see you next week.
你知道的，类似这样的小事，对我来说，这很难吗？
You know, something like that, to me, like, how hard is that?
顺便说一句，这并不一定非得是那种全球性的生活方式。
By the way, it doesn't have to be like a global lifestyle.
它甚至可以是，嘿，我们有两个孩子和两只狗。
It could even be, hey, we got a couple of kids and two dogs.
而且，你知道，我妈妈生病了，我得照顾她。
And, you know, my my mom is sick, I got to tend to her.
所以我特别忙。
So I'm super busy.
但你怎么让你的伴侣知道，你依然非常重要？
But how do you let your partner know, hey, you're still really important.
我们依然彼此紧密相连。
We're still really connected to each other.
因为这是最常见的抱怨。
Cause that's the number one complaint.
这是最主要的原因，尤其是对女性而言，我会看到一位女性坐在对面，离婚的对象是一个非常好的提供者、保护者，所有方面都很出色。
That's the number one reason, particularly with women, that I'm gonna have a woman sitting across from me divorcing someone who's a great provider, great protector, great all of those things.
这并不是每个人都能明白的。
That is not obvious to everybody.
说实话，我自然的行为方式也不是很明显，我就只是这样的人。
And I'll be honest, it's not it wasn't necessarily obvious to me the way that I operate naturally, and this is just the way that I am.
我跟很多朋友聊过，了解他们是如何运作的，他们的思维方式是：当我在这里时，我脑子里想的只有这件事。
I've spoken to so many of my friends to understand how they operate and the way that their brain works is when I'm here, the only thing I'm thinking about is this.
很好。
Good.
我几乎总是惊人地忘记其他所有事情。
And I almost I'm remarkable at forgetting everything else
嗯。
Mhmm.
而且完全专注于当下。
And and being completely here.
很好。
Good.
这听起来是件好事，但这也意味着我可能会一不小心就消失了十四个小时，忘记联系你。
Now that sounds like a good thing, but it also means that I can lose fourteen hours and forget to to check-in.
我可能会忘记，你知道的？
I can forget you know?
是的。
Yeah.
当你和她在一起的时候，也是这样吗？
It is it also true when you're with her?
是的。
Yes.
当我们已经安排好了时间的时候。
When we have scheduled the time.
好。
Good.
所以，你知道，当我们安排好时间一起做点什么的时候，我确实会全心投入。
So, you know, when we schedule the time to go and do something together, I'm Yeah.
我会在那里。
I'm there.
我不会玩手机。
I'm not on my phone.
我不会做其他事情。
I'm not doing anything else.
好。
Good.
我认为这是非常重要的优先事项。
I think that's a tremendous priority.
我听到越来越多的人说，感觉我们虽然在一起，但实际上并没有真正在一起。
Hearing more and more from people the feeling of, yeah, we're together, but we're not together.
我们坐在那里，但他们却在玩手机或做其他事情。
We're sitting there, and they're on their phone or they're doing other things.
我认为，关系中一个非常重要的方面，就是要有彼此全心投入的时光。
And I think that it's really, really important that one of the really important aspects of relationship be that there is time where you give each other that level of focus.
但同样，这并不是我们自然而然就能学到的东西。
But again, you know, like, it's just not something we are necessarily taught.
我们或许会以父母为榜样，但很多时候，他们并不是好的榜样。
We have maybe we have our parents as models, but very often, they're they're not good models.
这里有趣的是，不知为何，我选择的这个人，在某些方面和我完全相反。
What's interesting here as well is, for some reason, I've chosen someone who's like the opposite of me in terms of the way that I
因为她和我恰恰相反。
because she's the opposite of me.
是的。
Yeah.
大概吧。
Probably.
当我跟一些跟我很像的朋友聊天时，他们也选择了与自己截然相反的伴侣。
And when I've spoken to some of my friends who are quite like me, they've also chosen partners who are the opposite of them.
你能想象吗？
Could you imagine?
我知道。
I know.
你能想象两个我这样的人在一起吗？
Could you imagine two of you?
想象一下，我跟我自己在一起。
Like, imagine me with me.
你知道的，你跟你自己在一起。
You know, you with you.
那一定会非常激烈。
That would like, it would be so intense.
这就是为什么我们很容易产生误解，因为我们一生中都假设别人和我们有同样的视角。
This is why it becomes so easy to misunderstand because we go through life assuming the other person has the same perspective as we do.
嗯。
Mhmm.
他们对事情的感受也和我们一样。
And they feel the same way that we do about things.
但这个问题的解决办法是什么？
But what's the solution to that?
我不得不学会去确认一下。
I've had to learn to check-in.
是的。
Yeah.
但你不觉得她正是喜欢你这一点吗？
But don't you think she loves that about you?
她确实是。
She does.
她今天早上还给我发了条消息，说非常感谢我，因为这次我离开时对她说：听好了。
She actually just sent me a message this morning saying thank you so much because I said when I left this time, said, listen.
我每天都会给你打视频通话，哪怕只有一分钟。
I'm gonna FaceTime you every day, even if it's for just one minute.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
所以
So
这难道不是很美好吗？
Isn't that lovely, lovely, though?
难道不是吗？
Though?
你还在努力思考，怎样才能在这事上做得更好？
You're still trying to figure out, How can I be better at this thing?
这太棒了。
And that's amazing.
这真是一件美好的事。
That's a beautiful thing.
你知道吗，有趣的是，如果我走进你家，看到桌上放着《习惯的力量》或者《高效能人士的七个习惯》，我会说，瞧瞧史蒂文。
You know, what's so funny is, if I walked into your home, and on the table there was, you know, The Power of Habit by Doring or The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I would go, Oh, look at Steven.
他依然如此成功。
He's still so successful.
他依然在努力磨砺自己的锋芒。
He's still trying to sharpen the point of the spear.
太棒了。
Amazing.
你知道吗？
You know?
但如果你走进去，看到一本叫《如何保持相爱》的书，你会说，哦，史蒂文的生活一切安好。
But if you walk in and you see a book, you know, How to Stay in Love, you go, Oh, things are right with Steven.
意思是，一切都还顺利吗？
Like, things going okay?
这段关系怎么了？
What's going on with the relationship?
为什么我们社会不干脆承认，我们在这件事上其实不太擅长呢？
Why don't we, as a society, just acknowledge we're kind of bad at this?
我们在维持联系方面确实不太擅长。
We're kind of bad at maintaining connection.
我们在帮助他人感受被爱、感受到自己值得被爱，以及帮助伴侣感受被爱、学会维持联系方面，都不太行。
We're kind of bad at helping, like, feeling loved and feeling worthy of love and helping our partner feel loved and figuring out how to maintain connection.
也许关键就在于那件小事——那一分钟的FaceTime，那一分钟说一句：嘿，要不我们试试别的方法？
And maybe the key is that little thing, that one minute FaceTime, that one minute of saying, hey, maybe we should try this other thing.
你真正想表达的是什么？
What are you actually saying?
你真正想说的是：我想把这份工作做好。
What you're actually saying is, I want to be good at this job.
我怎样才能把这份工作做好？
How can I be good at this job?
我怎样才能一直保持得好？
How can I stay good at it?
我怎样才能做得更好？
How can I get even better at it?
就像我们去参加面试，非常想要那份工作。
Like, we go for the job interview and we want this job so bad.
这就是约会。
Like, that's what dating is.
约会就是我把简历投遍各地。
Dating is I'm sending my resume all over the place.
我把简历投遍各地。
I'm sending it all over the place.
我希望能找到一份合适的工作。
I hope I can find something.
一份符合我的技能和需求，而且他们也需要我的工作。
Something that suits my skills and my needs and where they want me.
而且我会得到很好的报酬。
And I'll be well compensated.
而且我会从中获得一些东西。
And I'll get something from it.
而且我会为它付出一些东西，因为我拥有这么多才华和资源。
And I'll give something to it because I have all this talent and I have all this stuff.
我想把我的才能献给一个值得的事业。
And I want to give it to a worthy cause.
我也希望为此得到回报。
And I want to be compensated for that.
我想感觉自己是某件事的一部分。
And I want to feel part of something.
所有恋爱其实就是一场面试。
That's all dating is, is it's a job interview.
然后你就得到了这份工作。
And then you get the job.
有一段时间你会觉得，我找到工作了。
And for a little while you're like, I got the job.
就是天啊。
It's the Oh my God.
你应该看看整个办公室，太棒了。
You should see the whole office is amazing.
而且我清楚发生了什么，这里还有成长空间。
And you should And I knew exactly what was going There's room for growth.
这份工作还有成长空间。
There's room for growth in this job.
这会很棒的。
It's going to be great.
懂吗？
Know?
我真的觉得这里还有晋升空间。
And I really feel like there's room for advancement.
这可能就是理想的工作了。
Like, this could be the job.
这可能就是我的事业。
This could be my career.
这可能就是我的天职。
This could be my vocation.
它可能既有意义又美好。
It could be meaningful and wonderful.
我觉得我有能力为它做出贡献。
I think I have something I could contribute to.
我们都非常兴奋。
And we're so excited.
你再往前看三年，我们已经
And you jump ahead three years later and we're
就像，哦，那个该死的工作。
like, Oh, that fucking job.
那份工作。
That job.
是的。
Yeah.
不。
No.
我得再去上班了。
I gotta go to work again.
没错。
Like, Yep.
好吧。
Alright.
我们开始了。
Here we go.
就这样了。
That's it.
你知道吗，我有个朋友刚得到了一份最好的工作。
You know, I got a friend who just got the best job.
天哪。
Oh my God.
他们拥有美好的一切，而我们却反而忘了，曾经你所处的这段关系，是你曾经向往的。
They have their they got the great and that's all we instead of trying to remember that at some point, the relationship that you're in was something you aspired to.
比如，你曾以为总有一天会遇到一个人，他就是你最喜欢的人，而你也是他最喜欢的人，你们会彼此扶持，看到对方的盲点，帮助对方认清自我，成为真正的自己。
Like the idea that you were someday going to find a person who just was your favorite person, and you were their favorite person, and you were going to be there for each other and see each other's blind spots and help each other, like, figure out who you are and be it.
你们会一起成长，一起改变。
And that you were going to grow together and change together.
一些核心的东西会始终如一。
And some core things would stay exactly the same.
而一些东西则会以美好而有意义的方式发生变化。
And some things would change in beautiful, meaningful ways.
你们会共同经历美好的事、糟糕的事，以及生活中所有突如其来的一切。
And you'd see each other through amazing things and terrible things and all the things that the world throws at you.
你再也不可能孤单了，因为你有了这个人。
You'd never be alone again because you'd have this person.
而且，不知为何，想要好好经营这段关系、定期检视并进行绩效评估，反而被认为有点奇怪。
Likeand somehow, it's considered sort of odd to check-in and want to be good at that job and have performance reviews.
你带领着团队。
Like, you run teams.
你带领着这么多团队。
You run so many teams.
你有多少次会想：我们真的不需要绩效评估吗？
How how often do you go, we don't need to have performance reviews?
我认为，这背后的核心在于，我们通过媒体和社交媒体假设，关系应该是毫不费力的。
I think at the heart of this is we assume, probably through media and social media, that relationships are supposed to be effortless.
为什么？
Why?
我不知道，这纯粹就是你看到的那些样子。
I don't it's just this kind of what you see.
对吧？
Right?
我记得前几天我女朋友跟我说，她提到一个在Instagram上关注的夫妻，说他们简直太完美了。
Like, I remember I remember my girlfriend telling me the other day, she was like, oh, there's this couple I follow on Instagram, and they're, like, amazing.
他们简直就是完美情侣，结果后来才发现那个男人在跟别人出轨。
They're, like, the perfect couple, and it just just turned out that the guy is sleeping with someone else.
是的。
Yeah.
我当时就想，我女朋友过去五年一直间接关注这对夫妻，这很可能提高了她对关系的期待，因为她只看到了一个二维的窗口。
And I thought and, again, I thought, well, that watch my girlfriend vicariously watching that couple for the last five years has probably increased her expectations on what a relationship should be, because she's just had this sort of two dimensional window.
但关系中自然的混乱其实发生在你的视野之外，而我们所有人都只看到了这个二维的窗口。
But there was some the natural mess of relationship was taking place outside of you, and we all just have the two d window.
比如，Instagram上展示关系问题并不会带来粉丝增长。
Like, relationship problems on Instagram, broadcasting that doesn't drive followership.
没错。
No.
我还要说，我们对关系应该是什么样子的理解，很大程度上来自于电影和电视剧中对关系的描绘。
And what I'll also say is, look, we formulate a lot of our conception of what a relationship should look like by portrayals of relationships in film and television.
对吧？
Right?
是的。
Yeah.
好吧。
Okay.
那么，我们能否同意，浪漫喜剧或浪漫电影本质上就是一种情感版的色情内容？
So can we agree that the rom com or the romantic film is basically just an emotional version of pornography?
它是一种经过修饰、刻意放大的虚假呈现，旨在强化事物中最视觉化和情感上最具吸引力或刺激性的方面。
Like it's a stylized, exerted falsehood that's designed to amplify the the most visually and emotionally compelling or stimulating aspects of things.
是的，确实有冲突，但都被处理得非常干净、完美。
Like, yes, there's conflict, but it gets cleaned up very neatly and very nicely.
这种认为关系应该毫不费力的观念，我认为很大程度上源于此——也就是说，一个故事是喜剧还是悲剧，取决于你在哪里结束它。
Like, there's it's so this perception that that relationships should be effortless is based, I think, on largely that, which is this feeling that and again, whether a story is a comedy or a tragedy depends on where you end the story.
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对吧？
Right?
所以我们总是在故事的某个节点结束，比如‘看，他们相爱了’。
So we always end the story in a spot where it's like, ta da, they're in love.
然后他们手牵手离开。
And they walk off hand in hand.
但他们离开后，是走进了真实的生活。
But, right, they walk off into life.
他们走进了一个充满复杂性的生命生态系统。
They walk off into this ecosystem of life that's filled with complexity.
而有许多我们无法控制的因素，影响着我们的情绪状态，以及伴侣的情绪状态——你、我、我们。
And there's factors beyond our control that are impacting our emotional state and the emotional state of our partner, the you, the me, the we.
所以很多事情正在发生。
So there's a lot going on.
而那种想法，认为‘这应该毫不费力’。
And the thought that, well, this should be effortless.
其他的一切都需要大量努力，而且可能如此。
Everything else is a lot of work and potentially.
顺便说一下，恰恰相反。
And by the way, the opposite.
比如，这个毫不费力，而那个却是一种苦差事。
Like, this is effortless and this is a drudgery.
我们往往不必要地以这种二元方式看待事物。
And we tend to just see things in that binary way unnecessarily.
在不再将一切视为二元对立方面，我们的社会已经取得了巨大进步。
Like, we've made so much progress as a society when it comes to not viewing everything in a binary.
比如，关于性别角色的刻板印象已经没那么僵化了。
Like, there's not as much rigidity about gender roles anymore.
关于你是不是一个工作者，也不再那么僵化了。
There's not as rigidity about, you know, are you a worker?
你是一个事业型的人，还是一个家庭型的人？
Are you like a career person or a family person?
就像，你会意识到，你其实可以两者兼顾一点。
Like, there's a sense of, wait, you can kind of be a little bit of both.
把这些事情看作一个连续谱系吧。
Look at these things as a spectrum a little bit.
但我们仍然固守着这种观念：关系应该是最顺畅、最轻松的，或者关系就是苦差事。
So but this we're still pretty glued into this idea that, like, relationships are supposed to be the smoothest, easiest thing or relationships are hard work.
你不该一直开心。
You're not supposed to be happy all the time.
如果你觉得自己不开心，就闭嘴吧，别提了。
And shut up if you think that that's what you're, oh, you're not happy.
没人一直开心，或者也不是。
Nobody's happy or no.
你不该一直开心。
You're not supposed to be happy.
婚姻的目的不是让你开心。
It's not the point of marriage.
婚姻的意义在于承诺。
The point of marriage is a commitment.
关系应该是简单的吗？
Are relationships supposed to be simple?
我不明白你说的‘简单’是什么意思。
I don't know what you mean by simple.
简单到容易处理？
Simple to navigate?
不是。
No.
它们显然不容易处理，因为有百分之五十六的男性会离婚。
They're obviously not simple to navigate because fifty six percent of men in divorce.
这会很难吗？
Is it going to be hard?
如果你认为‘难’意味着你必须对它投入一定的关注，那没错，它会很难。
If your definition of hard is I have to pay some level of attention to it, then, yes, it's going to be hard.
这很难吗？
Is that hard?
我是说，这很难吗？
Like, is that hard?
真的吗？
Really?
这很难吗？
Is that hard?
我觉得没那么难。
Like, I don't think it's that hard.
专心注意并不难。
Paying attention isn't that hard.
记得去专心注意可能很难。
Remembering to pay attention might be hard.
但你不会给自己设提醒吗？
But don't you create reminders for yourself?
你有这么多设备，难道就不能在一天中设置个提醒，想想她吗？
You've got so many gadgets and you can't have some reminder in the day of like, oh, her.
让她留在你的视线范围内。
Keep her in my line of sight.
这并不意味着你不爱她，或者她不在你心头。
Again, it doesn't mean you don't love her, that she's not front of mind.
这说明你是个有动力、勤奋的人。
It means you're a driven, hardworking person.
我是个有动力、勤奋的人。
I'm a driven, hardworking person.
我生活中有很多非常重要的事情，有时并不会常在心头，但这就是我用提醒的原因。
There's tons of times where very important things in my life aren't front of mind, but that's why I use reminders.
为了倒过来回答我刚才提出的问题，詹姆斯，如果将来某天我来找你，说：听好了，我要离婚了。
To invert that question that I asked at the top of this, if I am to come to you at some point in the future, James, and I say, listen, I need a divorce.
嗯。
Mhmm.
根据我的性格以及你接触过的类似客户，我可能会给出什么样的理由呢？
What am I likely to give as the reason for that based on, you know, who I am and how that correlates to the clients like me that you deal with?
是的。
Yeah.
所以你给出的理由和真正的原因是不同的。
So the reason you're going to give and the underlying reason is different.
你给出的理由会是一个实际的原因，比如我遇到了别人，她遇到了别人，我们大吵了一架，说了些无法收回的话。
So the reason you're going to give is going to be a practical reason, which is either I've met someone else, she's met someone else, we've had a terrible fight, and I've said things that we can't take back.
我遭遇了严重的财务失败，而她只是因为看到未来前景黯淡而选择离开我。
I had a spectacular failure financially, and she's just bailing on me because she sees that the future's really rocky.
或者她做了一个糟糕的决定，做了些不可原谅的背叛行为，我无法容忍。
Or she made some terrible decision and did something awful that's a betrayal that I can't abide by.
但再次强调，这只是表面理由。
But again, that's the presenting reason.
更深层的原因是我们失去了方向。
Underneath that is the bigger reason, which is we lost the plot.
我们迷失了方向。
We lost the plot.
这就像一个故事中章节的开端。
Like, that's that's the start of a chapter in a story.
这是某一章的结束，也是另一章的开始，就是这张照片。
It's the end of a chapter and the start of a chapter, that photo.
那个故事的第一章，是这两个人在同一颗星球上漫无目的地徘徊，试图弄清楚一切，弄明白自己在做什么。
Like, the first chapter in that story was was was this person and this person wandering around on the same planet trying to figure it out, trying to figure out what they're doing.
他们有自己的起源故事，也逐渐发展出了彼此互补的心理创伤。
And they have their origin story and they have their, you know, their complementary pathologies that developed over time.
然后，你知道的，他们相遇了。
And then, you know, they found each other.
世界上有八十亿人。
8,000,000,000 people in the world.
但他们的命运却 somehow 交汇在了一起。
And somehow their paths intersected.
你知道吧？
You know?
他们开始建立起这种联系。
And they started to have this connection.
于是就有了你，有了我，然后就有了我们。
And so there was the you, and there was the me, and then there was the we.
那个维恩图就开始了。
And that Venn diagram started.
对吧？
Right?
然后你开始用各种东西去填充它。
And then you start to fill it with things.
你用人来填充它。
You fill it with people.
你用经历来填充它。
You fill it with experiences.
这只不过是途中一个停歇。
And this is just a stop along the way.
比如，这两个人，这只是一个瞬间。
Like, these two people, this is just a moment.
这是一个非凡的时刻。
It's an incredible moment.
它可能就像库姆兰一样。
It can be like Qumran.
它可能是一个在此之前和此后一切都不同的时刻。
It can be like a moment that there was this and then everything after this.
它是一个标点符号。
It's a punctuation mark.
我喜欢说，人生是有标点符号的。
Like, I like to say that life has punctuation marks.
比如，你有了孩子。
Like you had a kid.
你失业了。
You lost your job.
你找到了一份工作。
You got a job.
随便吧。
Whatever.
这些都是标点符号。
Those are punctuation marks.
这是一个重要的标点符号。
This is a big punctuation mark.
它要么是结局的开始，要么是开始的结束。
And it will either be, you know, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning.
你可以决定怎么写。
You get to write that.
你可以写下这一章。
You get to write that chapter.
但这一刻对我来说意义非凡，之所以说这是美好的一刻，是因为这是一个充满巨大乐观的时刻。
But this is a moment for me, the reason why this is a beautiful moment, is this is a moment of tremendous optimism.
这是你们两人彼此说‘你是我最喜欢的人’的时刻。
This is a moment where the two of you said, you're my favorite person.
我想和你一起写下接下来的这一章，让它拥有一个不同的标题。
And and I I want to write this next chapter with you as as having a different title in it.
但其实，标题只是一个象征。
But, really, like, the title's just a symbol.
戒指也只是一个象征。
The ring is just a symbol.
它只是承诺的象征。
It's just a symbol of a commitment.
它是承诺的象征。
It's a symbol of a promise.
而承诺本身，不过是意图的象征。
And all a promise is is a symbol of intention.
就这样。
That's all.
这仅仅是一种意图。
It's just an intention.
我们的意图是，我们不再孤单了。
Our intention is we're not going to be alone anymore.
我们要一起做这件事。
We're going to do this together.
顺便说一下，你其实已经不孤单了。
And by the way, you're already not alone.
你能走到这一步并提出这个问题，这本身就是对你并不孤单的美丽印证。
The fact that you got to this place that you would ask this question, that that's a beautiful confirmation of the fact that you don't feel alone.
我们会迷失方向的。
We would have lost the plot.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
你会迷失这个故事的主线。
You would have lost the plot of the story.
所以这是一个故事。
I so this is a story.
这个故事会走向哪里？
Where does this story go?
你希望它走向哪里？
Where do you want it to go?
你希望它走向一个未来，在那里你们俩某一天能白头偕老。
You want it to go to a future that features the two of you old together someday.
也许这个未来会有孩子。
Maybe it features children.
也许这个未来会有陪伴的宠物。
Maybe it features companion animals.
那么，我们最可能失去故事主线的原因是什么？
And what what is the most likely reason that we would lose the plot?
你停止了关注。
You stop paying attention.
是你停止了你目前正在做的事情吗？你是怎么到达这个美好时刻的？
Is this You stop you stop doing what you're currently do how did you get to this beautiful moment?
你开始做相反的事情。
You start doing the opposite.
你之所以到达这个时刻，是因为你保持了关注。
You got to this moment by paying attention.
你之所以到达这个时刻，是因为你把这件事当作优先事项。
You got to this moment by making this a priority.
你之所以到达这个时刻，是因为你始终把这件事放在心上。
You got to this moment by keeping this front of mind.
你重视的究竟是什么？这不正是你对我很重要的象征吗？
By valuing What is this but a symbol of you are valuable to me?
你为什么要单膝下跪？
Why did you get on one knee?
你为什么要做单膝下跪这件事？
Why do you get on one knee?
我的意思是，想想这一切背后的象征意义。
I mean, think about the symbols of all of this.
我们生活在一个充满象征的世界里。
We live in a world of symbols.
比如，我穿的这套衣服？
Like, the outfit I'm wearing?
我正在向你传达某种信息。
I'm saying something to you.
我认真对待这件事。
I take this seriously.
所以你才穿西装，穿西装是为了表明：我认真对待这件事。
That's why you wear a suit, is you wear a suit to say, I take this seriously.
那又怎样？
So what?
你为什么这么做？
Why did you do this?
这代表什么含义？
What is this a symbol?
我单膝跪地。
I'm down on one knee.
为什么？
Why?
我在你面前放低自己。
I'm humbling myself in front of you.
我在向你献上一些东西。
I'm offering something to you.
我希望你能接受我送给你的这份礼物。
I'm hoping you will accept the gift I am giving to you.
那个符号其实有一种非常美好的地方。
Like, there's something very lovely about that symbol.
这就是你所说的脱节吗？
Is this is this what you call slippage?
脱节就是当你开始无意中...
Slippage is exactly when you start to unintentionally.
再次强调，人们很少会故意脱节。
Again, people rarely have slippage intentionally.
通常情况下，好了，我们把那个解决了。
It's usually that, Okay, we got that knocked out now.
现在我们可以专注于其他事情了。
We can focus on the other stuff.
这就是脱节。
And that's slippage.
脱节就是这些小小的断裂。
Slippage is these small disconnections.
这些微小的脱节，本身并没有什么意义。
Small disconnections that, in of themselves mean nothing.
就像没有哪一滴雨对洪水负有责任。
Like no single raindrop's responsible for the flood.
那一滴雨，它只是小小的一滴雨。
That little raindrop, it's just a little raindrop.
它本质上就只是这样。
That's all it really is.
但脱节是这些微小脱节逐渐增多，最终演变成导致你们婚姻破裂的巨大问题，然后你们会说：这就是我们离婚的原因。
But slippage is this gradually increasing number of small disconnections that eventually leads to the giant marriage killer that you come in and say, here's why we're getting divorced.
但其实并不是那一件事。
But it wasn't that.
而是所有这些微小的部分累积起来的。
It it was all these little pieces.
但在某个时刻，你确实在那里。
But at some point, you were there.
你觉得人们
Do you think people
能在当下察觉到这种疏离吗？但他们觉得这还不够严重，不值得去争执或采取行动？
spot the slippage in the moment, but they don't think it's big enough to fight about or do something about?
百分之百。
A 100%.
这就是认知偏差。
And that's that's the cognitive bias.
这种谬误将让我余生都有生意可做。
That's the fallacy that will keep me in business for the rest of my life.
因为人们就是不想忍受暂时的不适。
Because people just don't want temporary discomfort.
比如，我们对快乐的渴望 versus 我们对痛苦的回避。
Like, our desire for joy versus our aversion to pain.
我们对痛苦的回避，每次都会胜出。
Our aversion to pain will win every single time.
我们都知道这一点。
We know this.
这就是为什么阿片类药物危机比可卡因危机更严重。
That's why there was an opiate crisis more so than a cocaine crisis.
因为其中一种是让你感觉非常好，而另一种是消除痛苦。
Because one of those things is about making you feel really good, and the other is about getting rid of pain.
就像，人类渴望逃避痛苦——任何科学家都会告诉你这一点。
Like, the human desire any scientist will tell you this.
问问我们的朋友安德鲁·休伯曼吧。
Ask our friend Andrew Huberman.
问问任何人。
Ask anybody.
他们会告诉你，人类逃避痛苦的渴望是自我的主导因素。
They will tell you the human desire to escape pain is the controlling aspect of self.
所以，逃避痛苦，即使是不适，而且再次强调，这种想法是由‘爱应该很容易’这种叙事推动的。
So, escaping pain, even discomfort, even and again, this is pushed by the narrative that love should be easy.
如果这件事让你感到任何不适，那一定是你做错了。
If anything's uncomfortable about it, must be doing it wrong.
也许你还没遇到你的灵魂伴侣。
Maybe you're not with your soul mate.
你知道的，那会非常简单、毫不费力。
You know, it would be so easy and effortless.
你总是能知道对方想要什么。
You'd always know what the other person wanted.
你从来不需要告诉他们。
You'd never have to tell them.
他们自然会知道。
They would know.
他们会足够了解你，明白你真正需要的是什么。
They would know you well enough to know what it is that you need.
他们会真正懂你。
And they would get you.
不过，说真的，真的吗？
Even though, by the way, really?
真的吗？
Really?
我都53岁了。
Like, I'm 53 years old.
我已经接受了二十年的心理治疗。
I've been in therapy for twenty years.
我大概能理解这个家伙的70%。
I get like 70% of this guy.
我觉得。
I think.
最多也就这样了。
Like at best.
你看，我就在这里。
Like, I'm in here.
我就在这里。
I'm in here.
我能理解这个人的70%。
And I get about 70% of this guy.
而且，我们还要因为交换体液就完全理解你吗？
Like, and I'm supposed to get you a 100% cause we're exchanging bodily fluids?
我的意思是，就因为我们睡在同一张床上，我就该完全理解你？
Like, we're I'm supposed to just because we've slept in the same bed.
我就该完全理解你，还要提前预判你的一切？
I'm supposed to get you a 100% and get ahead of stuff?
我只能理解自己70%。
Like, I get me 70%.
这还是经过大量反思之后的结果。
And that's with a lot of reflection.
所以我真的认为，我们指望这一切应该是轻松的、简单的、从不让人不舒服的，这实在太不公平了。
So I I really think that it's wildly unfair for us to think that, you know, this should be effortless, this should be easy, and that it should never be uncomfortable.
没关系，我觉得因为我的工作性质，我整天都得告诉人们一些他们不想听的话。
It's okay to be like, I think because of what I do for a living, I have to tell people things they don't want to hear all day.
因为这是事实。
Because it's true.
我告诉他们需要听的，而不是他们想听的。
And I tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear.
当客户在咨询或对话结束时对我说，天啊，我感觉好多了，我总是会说，那太好了。
And you know, when clients say to me at the end of a consultation or conversation, like, Oh my god, I feel so much better, I always go, That's great.
但这并不是我的本意。
That wasn't my intention.
因为我不希望任何我专业交谈的人以为，我是在安慰他们才说这些话。
Because I don't want anyone I talk to professionally to think I am telling you something to make you feel better.
我不是来让你感觉更好的。
I'm not here to make you feel better.
我不是治疗师。
I'm not a therapist.
我在这里是为了告诉你真相。
I'm here to tell you the truth.
如果真相让你感觉更好，那很好。
And if the truth makes you feel better, great.
如果真相让你感到不适，至少你现在知道了真相。
If the truth makes you uncomfortable, at least you know the truth now.
所以我觉得在关系中，如果你最想要的是持久、终身的连接，彼此尽可能理解对方，我们就能互相帮助，更好地应对自我和彼此。
So I feel like in relationship, again, if what you want most is lasting, lifelong connection where we get each other as best we can, we can help each other navigate self and each other as best we can.
我们不能丢掉这个此刻依然非常美好的故事主线。
And we cannot lose the plot of a story that is really beautiful right now.
所以每个听众大概都能想到自己关系中有些方面比刚在一起时变得更糟了，是的。
So everybody listening can probably think about something in their relationship which has gotten a little bit worse Yeah.
自从他们进入这段关系以来。
Since they first got into that relationship.
可能是他们争吵的方式，没错。
And it could be the way that they argue True.
变得越来越严重了。
Is getting a little bit True.
更糟了。
Worse.
他们不再那么认真倾听了。
They're not listening as much.
是的。
Yep.
也许语气变得更高了，或者变得更加生气了。
Maybe the the tone has gone up, or it's getting a little bit more angry.
对。
Yeah.
无论他们的关系中出现了什么问题
Whatever it is in their relationship
对。
Yeah.
他们现在需要做什么？
What do they need to do now?
就像还没淹水一样。
It's like it's not flooded yet.
是的。
Yeah.
但还是得看看情况。
But there's to look at it.
现在是最好的谈话时机。
Best time to talk about it.
有个水坑。
There's a puddle.
我在法庭上工作的内容就是试图操控人们的情绪状态。
So what I do for a living in court is I try to manipulate people's emotional state.
这就是我的工作。
That's my job.
我的工作就是去让法官喜欢我的当事人，讨厌对方。
Like, my job is to go and make the judge like my client, dislike the other side.
我希望对方感到害怕。
I want the other side to feel scared.
我希望我的当事人感到安全。
I want my client to feel safe.
我希望记录庭审的书记员和法警喜欢我，也喜欢我的当事人。
I want the court reporter who's taking things down and the court officer to like me and to like my client.
这样当我们休庭时，他们和法官回到后面，就会说：我喜欢吉姆。
So that when we take a break in testimony and they go in the back with the judge, they go, I like Jim.
他是个很棒的律师。
He's a really good lawyer.
哦，他的当事人看起来真不错。
Oh, his client seems so nice.
或者，天啊，对方那个人真像个混蛋。
Or, boy, the other guy seems like a jerk.
或者，那个律师真是个混蛋。
Or, boy, that other lawyer is a jerk.
所以说，我在这里操纵着人们的情绪状态。
Like, so I'm here manipulating people's emotional state.
这就是我的工作。
That's my job.
这就是出庭律师所做的事情。
Like, that's what a trial lawyer does.
我们操纵人们的情绪状态。
We manipulate people's emotional state.
我们摆弄着那些杠杆。
We play with the levers.
对吧？
Right?
所以我说这些，是想表达我们在人际关系中也该这么做。
So I say this as to say we should be doing this in our relationships.
这没什么阴险的。
There's nothing nefarious about that.
这些都是工具。
These are tools.
你如何使用它们，将决定它是好是坏，或者别的什么。
And how you use them will give you a sense of whether it's good or bad or whatever.
听着，如果你所做的目的是维持联系，那么你如何理解它将至关重要。
Look, if what you are doing is to maintain connection, how you parse it is going to be everything.
所以，就连你刚才说的那样，好像关系中出了什么问题。
So even the way you just said that, like, well, something's kind of going wrong in the relationship.
好吧。
Okay.
我们已经陷入了一个错误的叙事。
We're already off to the wrong narrative.
因为当有人告诉你某事做错了，你会自动产生防御反应：我不是故意做错的。
Because when someone tells you something's been done wrong, there's this automatic defensive response of, I didn't mean to do it wrong.
而且，我又不是故意做错的，这不能怪我。
And, well, it's not my fault that I did it wrong.
这会激发我们内心的防御反应。
It brings out something defensive in us.
而不是去说有什么变化了。
Rather than saying something's changed.
你有没有注意到有什么变化？
Have you noticed that something changed?
你有没有注意到？
Have you noticed that?
还记得我们以前会彼此聊起，比如，我不知道是不是我做了什么。
Remember when we used to talk to each other about, you know, sometimes like I don't know if it's something that I've done.
如果是的话，我真的希望你能告诉我。
And if it is, you know, I really would appreciate you telling me.
但最近我们吵架的时候，语气好像变了。
But like, when we have been fighting lately, like, the tone seems to have changed.
你注意到了吗？
Have you noticed that?
只是我这样觉得吗？
Is it just me?
现在，这是一种非防御性的对话。
Now, it's a nondefensive dialogue.
我没有在指责你什么。
I'm not accusing you of something.
我只是注意到有些变化了。
I'm noting that something has changed.
顺便说一句，这很好。
And by the way, good.
我们看看这张照片里，我们有多爱彼此。
We love each look at how much we love each other in that picture.
比如，把婚礼照片挂到某个地方。
Like, look at put the wedding photos up somewhere.
看看那个时刻。
Look at that moment.
在那个时刻，我们彼此疯狂地爱着对方。
We were nuts about each other in that moment.
我们就是对方曾经渴望的一切，甚至更多。
We were everything the other person ever wanted and more.
所以，每当有什么事情从那时起发生了变化，你难道不想知道吗？
So, any time something has changed from that, don't you want to know?
你难道不想知道吗？
Don't you want to know?
顺便说一句，这不是在指责你。
And by the way, not in an accusatory fashion.
最常见的问题是，我们做爱的频率不如以前了。
The most common one is we're not having sex as much as we used to.
我们做爱的频率不如以前了。
We're not having sex as much used to.
我们做爱的次数不多了。
We're not having much sex.
我得到的口交次数不如以前多了。
I'm not getting as much oral sex as I used to get.
我们过得不太顺利。
We're not getting Okay.
我刚才那样说，其实有一种表达方式。
There's a way to say that the way I just said it.
那样说只会让你自讨苦吃。
That's just going to blow up in your face.
这行不通，因为你说：你最近没怎么在家。
It's not going to work because it's Well, you haven't been around as much.
我最近工作太忙，没怎么在家，但也没看到你因此减少陪伴我。
Well, I haven't been around as much as I'm working so much, and I don't see you spending less.
说实话，如果真要到这一步，我宁愿花很多钱来避免你这样对待我。
Well, you know, honestly, if it comes down to that, I'd spend a lot to not have you treat me this way.
现在我们只是在吵架。
Now we're just having a fight.
但如果我们说，嘿，还记得我们以前多亲密吗？记得我们那次出去旅行吗？
Whereas if we say like, Oh, remember how close remember when we went away?
我昨天还在想，我们那个周末出去旅行的事。
I was just thinking yesterday about when we went away that weekend.
记得吗？我们最后根本没出房间。
Remember, we ended up not even leaving the room.
那真是太有趣了。
It was so fun.
我喜欢我们感觉如此亲密和贴近的时候。
I love when we're like feeling that connected and close.
你知道吗，我觉得最近有时候，我们可能没那么亲密和贴近了。
You know, I feel like feel like lately, sometimes, we're maybe not as connected and close.
如果有什么是我做得不对才导致这样，我真的很想改过来。
And if there's something I'm doing that's making that, I really want to get it right.
我真的想把这件事做好。
I really want to get it right.
首先道歉，保持关系中的谦逊，这种做法具有巨大的价值。
There's something about apologizing first, like having some humility in relationship that has tremendous value.
比如，我告诉你一个我的行业秘密。
Like when a lawyer Like, I'll tell you one of my trade secrets.
你知道，我的工作有时候非常具有对抗性。
You know, my job is a very combative job sometimes.
所以有时候，采取强硬态度是正确的选择，但也有时候，强硬根本无济于事。
So there's times where being very aggressive is the right move, but there's times where being aggressive doesn't anything.
如果我第一次和一位律师打交道——这是个我之前没打过官司的人，我们除了名声之外并不认识——如果他们一上来就咄咄逼人，我最先做的就是道歉。
And if I'm interacting with a lawyer for the first timethis is someone I haven't had cases with, so we don't know each other except by reputationand they come at me really hard, the first thing I'll do is apologize.
我会说：对不起。
I'll say, You know, I'm sorry.
我只是想说，你的语气，你是在向我发难。
I just have to say, like, your tone, like, you're coming at me.
我在我们最初的互动中说了些什么，让你觉得我不尊重你，或者不重视你的观点，又或者我有打断别人的倾向。
Like, I said something in our initial interaction that made you feel like that I didn't have respect for you or that, you know, I didn't value your perspective or like I have a tendency to interrupt people sometimes.
我常常会告诉你，所以如果我冒犯了你，我向你道歉。
I have a tendency to tell you, So, if I offended you, I apologize.
因为你的说话方式让我觉得，我一定说了什么不对的话，或者我一定做了什么。
Because the way that you're kind of talking to me, like, I feel like I must have said something wrong or I must have.
所以，如果我真的有冒犯你，我完全道歉。
So, I apologize absolutely if I did.
他们还有什么别的选择呢？
What is the what choice do they have?
但接着你又说，哦，不，不。
But to then go, Oh, no, no.
这只是我的语气。
That's just my tone.
这只是我的方式，哦，是的。
That's just how I Oh, yeah.
当然。
Of course.
听我说，我们都有一副面具或某种状态。
Look, hey, we all have a game face or a thing.
我只是觉得，天哪。
I just felt like, Oh my God.
这人简直冲着我来得这么猛烈。
Like, this guy's coming at me so hard.
我觉得我一定是无意中说了什么，你知道的，但现在大家都平静下来了。
Like, I felt like I must have said something inadvertently or, you know, and then everyone's kind of calmer now.
你知道的？
You know?
所以我觉得，这是一种非常简单的方式，可以就这些小的预防性问题展开讨论，而不会让事情变得复杂。
So I think that this is a very easy way to invite discussion about these small preventative maintenance things without turning it into a whole thing.
因为再次，我们总觉得，哦，如果我提出来，就会变成一件大事。
Because we again, we just think that, oh, if I bring that up, it's gonna turn into a whole thing.
这不必变成一件大事。
It doesn't have to turn into a whole thing.
就这样。
Period.
是的。
Yeah.
我想我问这个问题部分是因为，我隐约注意到，当我们七年前刚认识时，我们更有耐心。
I think I asked that in part because I it's something that I I've, like, subtly noticed that when we were when we first met seven years ago, we were much more patient.
对。
Yeah.
我觉得我可能需要和你谈谈，如何在解决问题时重新变得更有耐心。
And I'm like, I probably need to have a conversation about returning to being more patient when we're trying to solve problems.
我们现在有点匆匆忙忙地应付这些问题。
We kinda, like, rush through them now.
我只是觉得，你可以想象一下事情的发展。
And I just I'm like, oh, you play this forward.
你把这一点推演到十年或二十年后。
You play this forward a decade or two decades.
我想，天啊。
I'm like, damn.
如果我们不放慢脚步，好好处理这些问题，我们真的很难解决好它们。
We're really not gonna be great at solving problems if we don't just, like, slow slow down with them.
是的。
Yeah.
而很多情况下，这意味着要更专注地倾听对方的观点。
And a lot of that just means, like, listening to the other person's point of view a bit bit more intently.
对。
Yeah.
这很难。
And that's hard.
这很难，因为你知道，你的大脑运转得很快。
That's hard because, you know, your brain moves quickly.
比如，在人际关系中，我确实很挣扎。
Like, it's something I struggle with in relationship, for sure.
任何类型的关系，我都特别急，来吧，快点。
Like, any kind of relationship is I'm very like, alright, come on.
我们得把这架飞机安全着陆。
We got to land this plane.
来吧，赶紧的。
Like, let's go.
直接跳到结尾。
Like, skip to the end.
时间就是金钱。
Time is money.
我们到底在干嘛？
Like, what are we doing?
我们这是要往哪儿去？
Where are we going with this?
而且我在这方面很糟糕。
Like, and I I'm terrible at it.
我总是打断别人。
I interrupt people constantly.
我不擅长这个。
Like, I'm I'm not good at that.
我正在努力改善这一点，因为我总觉得我知道对方接下来要说什么。
And it's something I'm working on because I I I think I know what they have to say next.
但我很多时候都错了，尤其是在关系中。
And I'm wrong a lot of the time, especially in relationship.
我错了。
I'm wrong.
说男女有别可能不是主流观点，但男女确实不同。
Like, it's not a popular opinion to say that men and women are different, but men and women are different.
我这么说并不是想说谁高谁低。
And I don't say that to say one is superior and one is inferior.
我说这个是为了说明我们是不同的。
I say that to say that we're different.
我们处理事情的方式不同。
We navigate things differently.
我们体验生活的方式不同。
We experience life differently.
从社会角度来看，我们的待遇也不同。
We're treated differently from a societal standpoint.
我们有着不同的生活经历。
We've had different life experiences.
我真心认为，在关系中，我们最好能意识到：我其实并不完全了解这个人是如何构成的。
And I genuinely believe that it would be very valuable for us in relationship to sort of think, Hey, I don't really know everything about how this person is wired.
我花了整整四十年，甚至快五十年，才明白：如果我和一个女人谈恋爱，她回家后开始向我倾诉让她烦恼的事，她并不想要我男性朋友们想要的那种回应。
It took me fully forty some odd years, if not fifty, to figure out that if I'm in a romantic relationship with a woman and she comes home and starts telling me about something that's upsetting to her, that she doesn't want what my male friends want.
比如，如果我给朋友打电话，如果我给你打过电话的话。
Like, if I called a buddy of mine, if I called youI've called you before.
如果我给你打电话，说：史蒂文，我遇到个问题，老兄。
If I called you and I said, Steven, I'm having this problem, man.
我正在处理我儿子的事，他周三做了X事。
I'm dealing with one of my sons, and he's doing X Wednesday.
如果你说：吉姆，这一定很难吧。
I if you went, That must be very hard, Jim.
我会说：是的，确实很难，史蒂文。
I'd be like, Yes, it is, Steven.
所以我才给你打电话。
That's why I called you.
你有什么建议吗？
Do you have any suggestions?
你觉得我这时候该怎么做？
Like, what do you think I should do here?
你是个聪明人。
Like, you're a smart guy.
我给你打电话是因为我想让你帮我。
I called you because I wanted you to help me.
很多时候，情况恰恰相反。
Very often, that is the opposite.
大多数女性希望你倾听她们，给予一些支持。
Most women want you to hear them, give them some support.
你们男性之间可以进行这样的对话。
You guys can have this conversation.
一对夫妻也可以进行这样的对话。
A couple can have this conversation.
你可以说：嘿，听我说。
You can say, Hey, listen.
现在，在这一刻，你并不是在向我提出问题。
Right now, in this moment, we're not you're not coming to me with a problem.
但当你向我提出问题时，我的本能反应就是立刻给出解决方案。
But when you come to me with a problem, my natural proclivity is to start throwing solutions.
我学到了，或者我听塞克顿在史蒂文的节目中说过，也许那样并不是最好的方式。
And I've learned, or I heard Sexton say on Steven's show, that, you know, maybe that's not the best way.
你觉得这是真的吗？
Do you find that's true?
比如，当你说到这些的时候，我能不能……？
Like, do you want me to maybe, like, when you say these things, could I?
因为这又是一项工作。
Because again, this is a job.
我想把这份工作做好。
I wanna be good at this job.
我问你如何才能把这份工作做得更好，这有什么错呢？
Why why is it wrong for me to ask you how to how can I be better at this job?
我发现，在那种情况下，明确向我的未婚妻说明我的需求非常有用。
I found it really useful to state explicitly to my fiance what my needs are in those situations.
而且，对她来说，这并不是自然而然的，反过来也一样。
And, again, it didn't come naturally to her and vice versa.
比如，在那些情况下，她需要我提供的东西，恰恰是我需要她为我提供的东西的反面。
Like, it didn't what she needs from me in those situations is the opposite of what I need from her in those situations.
是的。
Yeah.
我特别想到的是，当她正在经历某些事情、面临困难的时候。
I'm thinking particularly when she's, like, going through something and she's struggling with something.
她希望我陪伴在她身边，而且通常还希望我给她一些建议。
She wants me to be be present, and she, often wants, like, some advice on it.
而她的建议，常常和我的完全相反。
And she and her advice is, like, the opposite of mine often.
反过来，当我遇到类似情况时，我其实根本不想谈论这些事。
And in the inverse, when I'm going through those situations, I actually don't wanna talk about it at all.
对。
Yeah.
我只是希望有人陪在我身边。
I just wanted to be there.
是的。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
但她想聊的，正是我不想谈的。
But She wants to talk about I don't wanna talk about it.
但为什么在那一刻不说‘我有个选择清单’呢？
But what but what would be wrong with saying in that moment, I've got a menu.
我给你列了个清单。
I've got a menu for you.
你能告诉我你想要哪一个吗？
Can you tell me which one you want?
就像你说的，你饿了，我就问：‘你想要吃什么？’
Because just like like you said you're hungry, and I said, what are you hungry for?
你想吃寿司吗？
Do you want sushi?
你要我给你做点什么吗？
Do you want me to make you something?
你想吃奶酪吐司吗？
Do you want some cheese toast?
我们要不要出去吃汉堡？
Do you want us to go out someplace and we can get burgers?
你到底想要什么？
What is it you want?
对吧？
Right?
你难道不能直接说，嘿，我有个菜单吗？
Couldn't you just say, Hey, I've got a menu.
我完全可以只是听着，告诉你我爱你，陪在你身边吗？
I can just listen and tell you I love you and just be here?
我可以给你一些解决方案，告诉你我可能会怎么处理这个问题。
I can give you some solutions how I might handle the problem.
我可以试着分散你的注意力，给你讲个今天发生在我身上的有趣故事，或者抱起你挠你痒痒。
I can try to distract you and tell you a funny story about something that happened to me today, or I can pick you up and tickle you.
我们可以去另一个房间，在床上滚一会儿，让你暂时忘掉烦恼，然后我们再一起决定你想要哪个其他选项。
We can go in the other room and roll around in the sheets for a little while and take your mind off it, and then we can figure out which of the other options you might want.
我们可以一起去散步，聊这件事，或者不聊也行。
We can go for a walk together, and we can talk about it or not talk about it.
你菜单上想要点什么？
What would you like on the menu?
因为这些我全都为你准备着呢。
Because that's I'm serving all of those things for you.
你想要哪一个？
Which one would you like?
她最糟的回答就是：我不知道。
And the worst thing she could say is, I don't know.
然后你就说：好吧，那我来选一个。
And then you go, Okay, then I'm going to pick one.
我就选一个了。
I'm going to pick one.
如果感觉不错，那就太好了。
And if it feels good, great.
如果感觉不好，你就告诉我，好吗？
And if it doesn't, you'll tell me, okay?
我不会生气的。
And I won't be offended.
再说了，斯蒂文，这需要多久？
Like, again, what'd that take, Steven?
三十秒？
Thirty seconds?
三十秒。
Thirty seconds.
就这么说吧。
Throw that out there.
这就像不是盲目地往靶子上扔飞镖，却根本不知道靶子在哪。
Like, that that's instead of just blindly throwing darts at the target, not knowing where the target is.
如果你必须给所有听众推荐一个关系仪式，认为它最能提高他们长久相伴、保持相爱的概率，你会推荐哪个关系仪式？
If you had to give everybody listening one relationship ritual that you would think would most increase the probability that they stay together, stay in love, what would that relationship ritual be?
我认为每周都应该专门花时间告诉伴侣三件你真的很喜欢他们的地方。
I think that once a week, you should make a specific task of telling your partner three things that you really like about them.
而且每周的内容都应该不一样。
And every week, it should be something different.
我认为，如果你真的想尝试这个的高级版本，想把它从一个30秒的任务扩展成专门投入五分钟来经营你们的关系，你就该告诉你的伴侣。
I think you should tell your partnerif you really want to take the advanced edition of this, if you want to turn it from a 30 task into like a whole five minutes that you devote to your relationship.
我对关系维护的看法，就像你有没有听过那个故事一样。
You know, I feel about relationship maintenance the way that I don't if you've ever heard the story.
我认为这是达赖喇嘛说过的话。
I think the Dalai Lama is the one credited with saying it.
一位高级高管花了一大笔钱，只为能与达赖喇嘛进行一次私人会面。
It's that a high end executive paid a colossal amount of money to have a private audience with the Dalai Lama.
达赖喇嘛对他说：如果你在寻找内心的平静，你应该每天冥想十五分钟。
And the Dalai Lama said to him, You know, if you're searching for inner peace, you should meditate for fifteen minutes a day.
那位高管说：我没有每天十五分钟的时间来冥想。
And the executive said, I don't have fifteen minutes a day to meditate.
达赖喇嘛回答：那你每天应该冥想一个小时。
And he said, Then you should meditate for an hour a day.
我也有同样的感受。
I feel the same way.
如果你每周连五分钟都抽不出来陪伴你的配偶或伴侣，那你将来可能就得花上好几个小时了。
If you don't have five minutes a week to devote to your spouse or partner, then you're going to need hours.
我觉得你真的应该专门腾出几个小时来。
I think you should actually set aside hours.
比如，每周五分钟，我建议你做以下这个具体、系统、基础的事情。
Like, five minutes a week, I would suggest the following exact just systematic, basic thing.
这正是我下一本书记载的内容。
This is what my next book is about.
这本书讲的是如何系统地学会爱。
It's about a systematic approach to being good at love.
核心理念是每周一次。
And the idea is once a week.
我觉得这是进阶版本。
I think here's the advanced version.
但最基本的要求是，写下一句话、发一封邮件、发条短信，不管用什么方式。
But minimum, just write down, send an email, send a text, whatever it is.
告诉你的伴侣，你爱他们的三件事。
Tell your partner three things that you love about them.
进阶版本是：告诉你的伴侣，你爱他们的三件事。
The advanced version is tell your partner three things you love about them.
这周里，三次告诉他们，是什么让他们让你感受到被爱。
Tell them three times this week that they made you feel loved.
以下是这周你做的三件事，让我感受到了被爱。
Here's three things you did this week that made me feel loved.
比如，当你发给我那条消息时，说这让我感觉特别温柔，让我感到非常被爱。
Like, here's three when you sent me that message and said that made me feel so soft, that made me feel very loved.
不管是什么，我相信你随便想想就能说出她这周做的三件事，那些让你感到被爱的时刻。
Like, whatever it is, I'm sure you could find off the top of your head three things that she did this week that made you feel loved.
现在才星期一呢。
And it's only Monday.
家里的人现在都处在恋爱关系中。
People at home are in relationships right now.
他们听到你说‘嗯’。
They're hearing you say that Mhmm.
但其中一些人还是不会去做。
And some of them are still not gonna do it.
你认为他们为什么不去做呢？
Why do you think they're not going to do it?
比如，他们内心会有什么样的对话，让他们心想：哦，
Like, what is that mental conversation they're having where they go, oh,
我觉得我们其实很清楚，他们觉得这毫无意义。
I think we're well, I think we're I think they think it's pointless.
我觉得他们可能正处于一段关系的阶段，觉得这么做有什么意义呢？
I think they might be at a point in their relationship where it feels like, what would be the point?
我们已经走得太远了，这么做也帮不上忙。
We're so far gone, it wouldn't help.
我觉得最重要的是，我内心真实的想法是，这个我不认为人们愿意大声说出来的秘密——我们其实很害怕。
I think more than anything, my real feeling on this, the secret that I don't think people want to say out loud, I think we're terrified.
我觉得我们很害怕。
I think we're terrified.
我觉得我们害怕的并不是关系的未来。
And I think what we're terrified of is not the future of our relationship.
我觉得我们害怕的是，觉得自己不配得到爱。
I think what we're terrified of is that we feel like we're not worthy of love.
我觉得这是大多数人最根本的恐惧。
I think it's most people's fundamental terror.
我认为大多数人最深层的恐惧是，如果你了解我，你就不会爱我。
I think most people's fundamental fear is that if you knew me, you wouldn't love me.
如果你能看到真正的我，那个藏在我内心深处的我——所有的软弱、所有的恐惧、所有恶劣自私的想法、所有的扭曲，以及我和每个人内心最黑暗的东西，如果你看到了这些，你根本不可能爱我。
If you could see me, the real me, like the me that's in here, all the weakness, all the fear, all the horrible, selfish thoughts, all the perversity, all the darkest things that are inside of me and every single one of us, that if you could if you saw that, you couldn't possibly love me.
而随之而来的感受是：你爱的只是我扮演的角色，那个没有向你展现这些阴暗面的我。
And the feeling that comes with that, which is, so you love the character I'm playing, That's not showing you all those things.
我只是向你展示了我最好的一面。
I'm just I'm just showing you the best parts of myself.
如果你看到了真实的我，你就不会真正爱我。
If you saw the real me, you wouldn't really love me.
我认为我们最大的恐惧是，我们不配得到爱。
I think our greatest fear is that we're not worthy of love.
我认为我们内心有一部分害怕去追问：你到底爱我什么？
And I think that there's a part of us that's afraid to, like, poke at, What do you love about me?
我到底爱你什么？
What do I love about you?
我哪里理解错了？
What am I getting wrong?
就像刚才，完成那个练习的时候。
Like, again, like finishing that exercise.
你知道吗，这里有三件我爱你的地方。
You know, here's three things I love about you.
这里有三件你这周做的让我感到被爱的事。
Here's three things you did this week that made me feel loved.
这里有三件我可以做得更好的地方。
Here's three things I could have done better.
或者告诉我三件我可以做得更好的事。
Or tell me three things I could have done better.
或者告诉你伴侣三件他们可以做得更好的事。
Or tell your partner three things they could have done better.
如果你想要加点有趣的，我觉得你应该加入一些轻松的内容，这里有三件你这周做的让我想和你发生关系的事。
Then if you want to have a fun one thrown in there because I think you should have done fun stuff, here's three things you did this week that made me want to have sex with you.
我想现在有些听的人可能会想，嗯，我正在和巴里约会，或者以为我正在和乔安约会，但她根本不会这样进行言语上的亲密表达。
I guess some people would are listening right now, and they're thinking, well, you know, I'm I'm dating Barry, or they think I'm dating Joanne, and she is she is not verbally intimate in this way.
如果我向她提出这个建议，她可能会这么做。
She would if I suggested this to her
写下来。
Write it down.
别这么做。
Don't do it.
你不必非得用言语表达。
You don't have to do it verbally.
我觉得言语表达会给人们带来太大压力。
I think verbally is too much pressure on people.
但即使写下来，如果我告诉戴夫，我们要开始互相写这些关于‘我学到的三件事’的便条，他一定会皱眉，觉得这太扯了。
But but even written down, if I told Dave that we're gonna start writing these notes to each other about three things I learned, he's gonna cringe, and he's Bullshit.
扯淡。
Bullshit.
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