第582集 | 我们对智慧的需求：婚姻

在婚姻中，你并不是完全透明的。

That in marriage, you're not 100% transparent.

你是真诚的。

You're authentic.

这并不意味着你观察到的一切都值得谈论。

That might not mean everything you observe, we talk about.

那不值得谈论。

That's not worth talking about.

那可能并不适合与上帝谈论。

It might not be God to talk about.

那么，你如何应对缺点呢？

So how do you handle how do you handle imperfections?

当出现问题或冲突时，你如何处理？

How do you handle when there's a problem or conflict?

首先，纠正必须通过谦卑来实现。

The first thing is the correction comes through humility.

为什么会有谦卑呢？

And why is there humility?

之所以有谦卑，是因为他们对你了解得和你对他们一样多。

There's humility because they know just as much about you as you know about them.

这种情况总是会出现，也许你可以对此发表一下看法。

And this always comes up maybe you can comment on this.

这种情况在婚姻咨询中总是会浮现出来。

This always comes out at marital counseling.

双方都会拿出自己积攒的过往过错清单，说：‘你做过这个，你做过那个。’

Both guys whip out their catalog of historical sins and, okay, you did this and you did this.

这就像一场持续不断的对话，罗列着一方做过的所有事情。

And it's like this running dialogue of all the things that one person did.

然后另一方会说：‘让我也拿出我的清单。’

And then the other person says, let me pull mine out.

你们双方都拿出各自对对方缺点的观察，互相扔过去作为控诉。

And you both pull out your historical observations of the flesh and hurl them at each other as indictments.

嗯。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

而且你看，你做了那个，有时候

And and see, you did that and sometimes

嗯。

Yeah.

可惜的是，女性在这方面比男性更擅长。

Sadly, women are better better at this than men.

她们有一份更细致具体的清单，但千万别误会，我们双方都有这份清单。

They've got a more intricate specific list, but never to make no mistake, we both have the list.

然后清单就拿出来了，所以我们花时间在婚姻咨询中罗列对方的罪过清单，而化解冲突的出路始终是谦卑。

And it comes out and so we spend up counseling your grocery list of sin from the other person when the step when the way forward through the conflict is always humility.

这对任何关系都是如此。

And that's true with any relationship.

这在你与上帝和人的关系中也是如此。

That's true with your relationship with God and man.

通向前进的道路始终是谦卑。

It's the way forward is always humility.

因为如果没有谦卑，史蒂夫牧师，还会有和好吗？

Because if there isn't humility, Pastor Steve, is there reconciliation?

是的，没错。

This is yeah.

我的意思是，这简直就是整个核心，所谓向上走其实是向下走。

I mean, this is this is really like the whole thing, like the way up is down.

我们看不到这一点。

We don't see it.

耶稣确实为我们彰显了谦卑，比如他为门徒洗脚，这是一件令人震惊的事，因为那些人中有好几个已经结婚了。

And Jesus, you know, really manifested humility for us with, you know, when when he's washing the disciples' feet, which is like a stunning kind of thing to, you know, several of those guys had wives.

我们知道至少彼得有妻子，但其他那些人，在犹太社会里，人们十几岁就结婚生子了。

I know what we know at least Peter did, but, you know, the other ones, you know, in Jewish society, you were getting married in your teens and producing babies.

这其实是一个非常有趣的旁支话题。

It's actually something that's which is a very interesting side point.

这实际上正是以色列目前正在发生的事情。

It's actually something that's happening Israel right now.

自两年前那场发生在他们节日西莫特托拉节的恶劣袭击以来，他们的西方出生率一直位居前列，当时他们正在庆祝摩西五经阅读的完成。

They have one of the highest Western birth rates since the attack of October, I think, a couple of years ago, heinous attack that happened on one of their holidays, Simkat Torah, when they celebrate the finishing of the reading of the Book of Moses.

他们都会举行盛大的庆典。

They all have a big festival.

那场袭击导致两千人死亡，等等。

That attack that happened and two thousand people died and everything.

但自那天以来，他们的生育率一直保持在高位，这真是令人惊讶，我刚才为什么说这个呢？

But since that day, they've been fruitful and multiplying at a high at a high rate, which is like, you know, so why was I saying that?

你刚才在谈谦卑如何

You were talking about how humility as far

是的。

as Yeah.

谦卑。

Humility.

耶稣，你知道，耶稣，你知道，是的。

Jesus, you know, Jesus, you know, yeah.

在谈论使徒。

Was talking about the apostles.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你知道，他们正在学习谦卑。

You know, they they they were learning humility.

耶稣示范了洗脚，这就像在各个层面上应用这一点。

Jesus demonstrated washing feet, and it's like applying that on every level.

而且似乎人们之间的熟悉感，你最亲近的人，你每天在身体和情感上接触最多的人。

And it seems like the familiarity of the people, the person that you're closest to, the person that you see more of than anybody every physically and emotionally.

你说得对。

You're right.

你刚才说的，就是你们彼此相见时，就是这样，没错。

What you were saying is like you see each other and it's like and that's right.

你们在对方面前是赤露敞开的。

You're exposed before each other.

这就像，你知道的，我们需要看到的谦卑，就是肉体本身。

And it is like just, you know, it's something that, you know, that humility we have to see, like, you know, the flesh.

我有肉体，你也有肉体。

I have flesh, you have flesh.

我们结婚成为一体，意味着我的肉体就是你的肉体。

And the fact that we are married and one flesh means that my flesh is your flesh.

你的肉体就是我的肉体。

Your flesh is my flesh.

这并不是我们可以各自分开处理的事情。

And it's not like something that we can settle separately separately.

我们可能需要去冥想、思考，甚至作为丈夫单独向你，也就是妻子之外的人寻求建议。

We might have to go and and meditate and ponder and have some separate counsel as as a husband with you know, apart from the wife.

但最终，必须重新走到一起，因为你的肉身就是我的肉身，这并不是说，你知道的，以弗所书里还提到另一点：作为丈夫，我们要爱自己的身体，以免伤害它。

But ultimately, there has to be the re the coming back together and because your flesh is my flesh and it's not, you know, and we you know, that's another point in Ephesians that we, as husbands, we are to love our bodies so that we don't do damage to our bodies.

所以，如果你因为妻子无法满足某种需求而憎恨她，或对她心生怨怼，实际上你就是在用锤子砸自己的脚。

So in hating your in in developing some sort of consternation or difficult offense against your wife because she doesn't meet some need, you are actually pounding your own foot with a hammer.

哇。

Wow.

如果你没有意识到这一点，难道有人会伤害自己的身体，除非他疯了？

If you don't, like, you know, realize, does anyone do damage to his own body unless he's insane?

所以

So

或者不是一个好木匠。

Or not or not a good carpenter.

是的。

Yes.

没错。

Yeah.

所以，正如你所说，我们彼此如此亲密，这需要更多的体贴。

So I I you know, you know, what you said, like, the the fact that we see each other so closely that requires, like, you know, requires more consideration.

这需要更多与上帝的关系，更多的祷告，因为我们需要从上帝的智慧中得着理解，来帮助与我们成为一体、却仍有自己思想的人。

It requires more relationship with God, more prayer because we need, understanding from the mind of God to help the person who's one flesh with us but also has her own mind.

还有他自己的思想。

And his own mind.

是的。

Yes.

没错。

Yeah.

所以你讲的是两个思想，却是一体，两个思想，嗯。

So you're talking two minds, one flesh, two minds Mhmm.

两种观点，嗯。

Two opinions Mhmm.

你知道的，两套不同的长处和短处。

You know, two sets of strengths and weaknesses.

嗯。

Mhmm.

上帝用它来创造更多的人。

And God used it to create people, more people.

是的。

Yeah.

这就是更多人诞生的地方。

This is this is where more people come from.

从这种混乱中产生了繁衍。

Out of that confusion comes multiplication.

但就像Exactly一样。

But it's like Exactly.

智慧始于谦卑。

For what is wisdom begins with humility.

在我与上帝的关系中，智慧始于谦卑。

In my relationship with God, wisdom begins with humility.

在我的婚姻中，智慧始于谦卑。

In my marriage, wisdom begins with humility.

我可能需要更多，这引出了我的下一个观点。

And I'm gonna need probably more which leads me to my next point.

我知道我们经常谈到婚姻中需要智慧和面临挑战的一个巨大领域，那就是婚外情。

I know we talk about one of the huge areas we need wisdom for and challenges in marriage is adultery.

嗯。

Mhmm.

那其他方面呢？

How about the other a?

没有人会生气。

There's no one that's anger.

生气。

Anger.

哦。

Oh.

那就是另一个问题。

That's the other one.

我的意思是，尽管婚外情已经摧毁了无数婚姻，但许多婚姻中真正的隐形杀手是愤怒。

I mean, as much as marriage adultery has crushed so many marriages, the quiet killer in many marriages is anger.

我记得，我曾经辅导过一对夫妻。

I remember, I counseled a marriage one time.

我去了他们家，而我不喜欢这么做。

I went to the house, which I don't like to do.

我更愿意在户外进行辅导，但这次是紧急情况。

I'd rather do it outside the house, but this was an emergency.

我最终去了他们家，发现客厅被毁得一塌糊涂。

I ended up going to the house, and the living room was destroyed.

边桌被劈成了两半。

The end table was broken in half.

于是我问：‘这里到底发生了什么？’

And I said, what happened here?

一位配偶说，如果没有揭开这个问题，她对我说：‘我已经告诉过你了。’

And one spouse said without uncovering this, she said to me I just told you.

他说，她说了，他生气了。

He said she said, he got angry.

他对我表示：‘至少我没有对你不忠。’

And he his words to me was, at least I didn't cheat on you.

我说：‘不。’

I said, no.

你只是把你的客厅变成了一个愤怒室。

You just turned your your living room into an anger room.

你虽然避免了她遭受那种羞辱，但你却因为不义的愤怒毁掉了整个家。

So you spared her that indignity, but you've destroyed the house because of your unrighteous anger.

在马太福音五章二十一至二十二节中，基督对不义的愤怒毫无容身之地。

And in Matthew five twenty one to 22, Christ makes no room for unrighteous anger.

事实上，你瞧，他将这种愤怒与谋杀相提并论。

In fact, watch this, he elevates it alongside of murder.

令人惊讶的是，基督明确说我们的生命和家中不容忍这种情绪，但我们有多少次允许不义的愤怒在婚姻和家庭中肆意横行？

It's amazing how there's no Christ says there's no room for it in our life or in our house, but how many times we made unrighteous anger permission to live in our in our marriage and in our home?

好吧，这里没有色情内容，但这里却有失控的愤怒。

Well, okay, there's no there's no pornography here, but there's anger out of control here.

这是阻碍和好的杀手之一。

That is one of the killers for reconciliation.

嗯。

Mhmm.

这也是阻碍恩膏的杀手之一。

That is one of the killers for an anointing.

很多沉默的情感创伤都源于配偶的愤怒，这也是其中之一。

That's one of the killers for does a lot of silent emotional trauma is based upon spousal anger.

而在这一代人中，男女皆然。

And and now in this this generation, it's both sexes.

妻子和丈夫一样，也会暴怒。

The wives can rage like husbands can rage.

一位男士对我说，她生我的气，然后把我的整个衣橱都烧了。

One man said to me, she got mad at me and and set my entire wardrobe on fire.

嗯。

Mhmm.

所以事情就是这样，每个人都总是想为自己的愤怒找借口。

So it's like this and everyone always wants to justify why they're angry.

我生气了，所以我才那么做。

I was angry, so that's why I did it.

愤怒，上帝并没有给你一直愤怒的许可。

Anger God does not give you permission to always be angry.

我必须警惕自己的愤怒。

I've got to guard against my own angry.

你有多少次把愤怒带进了婚床？

You're not gonna bring it into the how many times have you brought anger into the marriage bed?

那个晚上有多成功？

How successful was that evening?

是的。

Yeah.

不完全是。

Not quite.

所以，如果你把愤怒留在家里，它就会像一场大火，烧毁你和家里所有其他人。

So it's like you guard if you leave anger in your house, it's a fire that breaks out and it burns you and everybody else in there.

上帝如此憎恶愤怒，以至于在马太福音五章二十三至二十四节中，他说：如果你对兄弟有怨，你带着礼物去祭坛时，要把礼物留在那里，先去和兄弟和好，然后再来献你的礼物。

God's so much against anger that in Matthew five twenty three and twenty four, he says, if you have a problem with your brother and you bring your gift to the altar, leave your gift and go reconcile with your brother and then bring your gift.

他说：不要带着愤怒来见我。

He says, don't come to me angry.

很多时候，这确实是个好观点。

And a lot of times and this is a good point.

我们说过，婚姻是各不相同的。

Different we said marriages are so different.

不同的婚姻有不同的和好节奏。

Different marriages have different rhythms of reconciliation.

这是个好问题。

That's a good question.

你们婚姻中的和解节奏是怎样的？

What's the rhythm of reconciliation in your marriage?

有些婚姻是这样的：好吧，我们花一天时间冷静下来，让情绪平复。

There's some marriages where it's like, okay, we take a day and we cool off that the emotions come down.

有些婚姻则必须立刻处理。

There's some marriage, we got to deal with it right now.

这件事会失控的。

This thing will get out of control.

好的。

Okay.

我生气了。

I'm angry.

你会怎么做？

What do you do?

也许你选择走开。

Maybe you walk away.

我的意思是，你们根本不去和解。

I mean, you don't you don't reconcile at all.

把愤怒抛开，在和解时保持冷静。

Like, take the anger out of be dispassionate in your reconciliation.

嗯。

Mhmm.

在对话中保持冷静。

Be dispassionate in your conversation.

我们要谈一谈，咱们来聊聊这件事。

We're gonna talk let's talk about this.

现在不行。

Not right now.

我太激动了。

I'm too hot.

你太激动了。

You're too hot.

我们不谈了。

We're not gonna talk.

我们只是发泄一下。

We're just gonna vent.

让我们退一步，但把愤怒去掉。

Let's take a step back, but take the anger out.

愤怒不会维系婚姻。

Anger doesn't build marriages.

它会破坏，但它是沉默的。

It breaks, but it is the silent a.

这不会让成年人点头。

It wouldn't adult yes.

没错。

True.

谢谢。

Thank you.

但上帝也论及愤怒。

But God also addresses anger.

作为信徒，并不意味着我可以因为觉得自己有理由生气，就对我的孩子或配偶发泄怒气。

And that's and being a believer doesn't give me permission to be angry and vent and and vent on my children and vent on my spouse because I decide that I have a cause to be angry about.

事实上，愤怒从来就不该是人类心理的持续状态。

In fact, by the way, anger was never meant to be a continual condition for the human psyche.

上帝，你本不是被造来一直生气的。

God you were not designed to always be angry.

是的。

Yeah.

除非你是像浩克那样的漫威英雄。

Unless you're some Marvel hero like the Hulk.

你本不是被造来一直生气的。

You're not designed to always be angry.

我得把这一点说清楚。

I had to get that in.

你并不是被设计成一直生气的。

You're not designed to always be angry.

你不是。

You're not.

当你一直生气时，会对心理造成损害。

And there's a psychological detriment when you're constantly angry.

是的。

Yeah.

你的肾上腺会肿胀。

Your adrenal glands swell.

你的压力水平会上升，因为你一直保持愤怒。

You get your stress levels go up, because you stay angry.

你不能告诉我上帝总是希望我生气。

You can't tell me God always wants me angry.

我为什么生气？

I'm Why are you angry?

如果你不能在三句话内说出你为什么生气，那你就不该生气。

If you can't say in three sentences why you're angry, you shouldn't be angry.

如果你要坐在那里花十分钟四十五分钟试图弄清楚自己为什么生气，那你至少应该能用两到三句话说清楚原因。

If gonna sit there in like ten forty five minutes trying to figure out why you're angry, you should be able to say in two to three sentences why you're angry.

其次，你应该能决定自己想生气多久。

Second of all, you should be able to decide how long you want to be angry.

别让愤怒替你做决定，你来决定。

Don't let anger tell you, you decide.

然后，当它结束时，就继续前进。

And then when it's over, move on.

但不要在婚姻中长久怀恨在心。

But don't stay angry in your marriage.

这会毁掉你的婚姻。

It will break your marriage.

嗯。

Yeah.

那不是智慧。

That's not it's not wisdom.

不是智慧。

Not wisdom.

你经常在

How often did

福音书中看到耶稣生气吗？

you see Jesus angry in the gospels?

可能三次？

Maybe three times?

嗯。

Yeah.

也许吧。

Maybe.

在我们所拥有的记录中，他在这三十三年半的时间里，发怒了多少次？

In in thirty three and a half years recorded that we have, in the recordings that we do have, how often was he angry?

顺便问一下，他生谁的气？

And by the way, who was he angry at?

嗯。

Yeah.

腐败的宗教主义。

Corrupt religiousism.

他是怎样对他们发怒的？

And how was he angry at them?

同样这些人，在马太福音23章，他发怒了，但他这一章是怎么结束的？

The same people Matthew 23, he's angry, but how does he end that chapter?

嗯。

Yeah.

哦，耶路撒冷。

Oh, Jerusalem.

哦，耶路撒冷。

Oh, Jerusalem.

哭泣。

Weeping.

哭泣。

Weeping.

我想是的。

I wanna Yes.

聚集你们于

Gather you on

麦克风上。

the mic.

是的。

Yeah.

他并没有一直生气。

He didn't stay angry.

你们这些毒蛇，粉饰的坟墓。

You vipers, you whitewashed sepulchers.

然后在最后，是的。

And then at the end Yeah.

不久之后，你并没有一直生气。

Not not too long after, you didn't stay angry.

不。

No.

圣灵不会引导你一直对配偶发怒。

The Holy Spirit will not lead you to be an angry spouse all the time.

如果你在婚姻中总是生气，那就出问题了。

If you're angry all the time in your marriage, something is wrong.

不只是你的配偶有问题，而是你与上帝的关系出了问题。

Not just with your spouse, something's wrong with your walk with God.

是的。

Yeah.

他让我生气。

He makes me angry.

不。

No.

如果你一直生气，问题不在于他或她，而在于你和你与神的关系。

If you stay angry, that's not so much him or her that you and your walk with God.

这并不是一种持续的状态。

That's not a constant condition.

是的。

Yeah.

这是个大问题。

That's a biggie.

这是个大问题。

It's a biggie.

我，嗯，你知道，你刚才说的时候，我刚写下了一些东西。

I I that's, you know, I would say I I just wrote down something when you were saying that.

欲望就是欲望。

Lust is lust is lust.

我们往往倾向于把所有的欲望都归类为感官和性欲。

And we tend to we tend to categorize all lust as sensuality, sexuality.

但事实上，正如你所说，你提到了肾上腺和压力水平的问题。

But really anger, like you said, you pointed it out with the adrenal glands and the stress level.

当你一直压抑愤怒时，身体会有一种自然的沸腾反应。

There is a physical percolation, a natural percolation that happens when you hold on to anger.

我喜欢你所说的。

And I like what you're saying.

你得找一个地方来释放它。

You got to figure out a place to put that.

诗篇是个很好的去处。

And the Psalms is a great place to go.

你可以唱这些表达情感的诗歌和颂歌。

You can you know, there's these these these voicings, songs that you can sing.

你知道，关键是，即使在所谓的咒诅诗篇——也就是祈求诅咒的诗篇中——也是如此。

And, you know, we just the thing is that the thing that even in this in what's called the imprecatory or the call down a curse psalms Yes.

其中蕴含着怜悯的解决之道。

There is a resolution of mercy.

你有这种感受。

You feel this way.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你希望你的敌人被毁灭。

You want your enemy destroyed.

你祷告并唱这首诗，但最后——嗯。

You pray and sing this song, but at the end Mhmm.

几乎每一首咒诅诗篇都以对全然怜悯之神的认信作结。

Just about every imprecatory song ends with a with a recognition of the all merciful God.

真美。

Beautiful.

所以你可能会对一个真正的敌人非常愤怒。

So you could be really angry at somebody who's a real enemy.

嗯。

Mhmm.

耶稣说：要爱你们的敌人。

And Jesus said, love your enemies.

那么，你该如何爱你的敌人呢？

So how do you love your enemies?

你要把你的愤怒、抱怨和烦恼倾倒在主面前，然后祂会带你——我觉得祂确实会，像你说的那样，把聚光灯转向你，让你看到我给了你多少恩典。

You take your anger, pour out your complaint, your trouble before the Lord, and then he brings you he I think he does, like you said, like, you he turns the spotlight on you and how much mercy have I given you.

哦。

Oh.

你知道吗？

You know?

照耶稣说的去做。

Do it Jesus.

就像你刚才说的，你拥有的其实就这么多。

Like you were saying, like, you only have so much.

你知道的，确实，我们是一个整体。

You know, really, yes, we are a unit.

嗯。

Uh-huh.

那并不是坏事。

Not that's that's bad.

那那

That's that's

没错。

That's right.

说得对。

Word.

那是个很棒的词。

That's a That's a god word.

这是一个机械的词，一个机械性的表达。

That's a mechanic that's a mechanical word.

我的意思是，我们是一体的，嗯。

I mean, are we are one Uh-huh.

但我们是不同的。

But we are different.

关键是，我的灵性仍然是我如何在上帝面前站立或跌倒的方式。

And the thing is is that the the thing is is my spirituality still is the way that I stand or fall before God.

而且我可以告诉你，有一本很棒的书叫《每对夫妻的生命之爱》，作者是已故的埃德·惠特和他的妻子。

And that I can you know, there is a great book called Love Life for Every Married Couple by a man who's no longer with us, Ed Wheat, and his wife.

他们合著了这本书。

They wrote it.

但书中有一章被单独摘出成小册子，叫《如何靠自己挽救你的婚姻》。

But in there, there's a chapter that I think has been broken out into a booklet, how to save your marriage by yourself.

他提到，他是这么说的，好吧。

And he talks about this is the way he says, okay.

所以你已经创造了，你知道，我们先从你开始。

So you have created, you know, let's start with you.

也就是说，你有责任。

Like, you are responsible.

或者你可能不认为自己有责任，但你确实有责任，先修复你与上帝的关系，看看这会如何开始影响——如果妻子还在家里，或者丈夫还在家里，当你与上帝的关系变得更深、更广时，这种影响就会自然溢出。

Or maybe you don't think you're responsible, but you are responsible and start repairing your own relationship with God and watch how that starts to you know, if the wife is still in the home or the husband is still in the home, if your relationship with God becomes something deeper and wider, then the overflow will go to.

而这正是那本书的全部意义所在，你知道，那本书叫什么来着？

And that's the whole point of that, that, you know, what was it?

几年前流行的《爱的誓言》这本书，你知道，就像那部电影，我记不清名字了，但讲的是某人花四十天时间无条件地爱自己的配偶，甚至不期待任何回报或回应。

The Love Dare book that was out there a few years, you know, like that was, you know, I can't remember the name of the movie there, but, you know, it involves somebody like taking the time, forty days of loving your spouse without even expecting a return or a response.

就像你说的，罗纳尔多牧师。

And it's like, this is like you can you said it, Pastor Ronaldo.

就像，你知道，这并不是。

It's like, you know, it's like this isn't.

但大的‘A’是严重的通奸，还有一种同样严重的‘A’。

But the big A, there's the big adultery, but there's the other A that's just as equally as large.

也许你沉溺于愤怒，却没意识到自己正变得像《诗篇》119篇中所说的‘烟里的皮袋’，变成一个干瘪的酒囊。

Maybe you feed on anger and you don't realize that you're becoming what Psalm one nineteen, like a bottle in the smoke, which is you're becoming a dried up wineskin.

如果注入新的水分和新酒，你仍可重新被使用；否则，你就会被丢弃。

And you can be made useful again if moisture and new wine is poured into that, or, you know, you can be cast cast away.

神会怎么做，你知道我说的是什么吗？

God's gonna you know what I'm saying?

我说的是。

I'm saying.

我不想谈这个。

Don't wanna go there.

所以不行。

So no.

总之，我们继续吧。

Anyway, here we go.

我们这里还剩大约十分钟。

We got all we got about ten minutes left here.

我们出发吧，各位。

We're going, everyone.

但安德鲁·彼得森有一首很棒的歌，他讲的是自己结婚的经历。

But there is a great song by Andrew Peterson, it's like he talks about you know, he's just writing about how he got married.

他当时21岁。

He was 21.

他的妻子19岁。

His wife was 19.

这就像在雷区跳舞，穿越风暴，比我们想象的还要艰难，比我们曾以为的任何情况都更艰难，但这一切都建立在应许之上。

It's dancing in a minefield, sailing through a storm harder than we think it could Harder than we ever thought it could be, but it's but it's built on the promise.

我们把婚姻建立在应许之上。

It's we hang our marriage on the promise.

好了。

Alright.

我喜欢这个。

I like that.

我最后的想法是，我们可以谈很多，但我们并不是想在节目中总结婚姻，甚至我们自己也不是这方面的专家。

Last thought I have is, there's a lot we could say, and we try we're not trying to sum up marriage in a show or we're not we're not even experts doing it.

我对婚姻的研究是零博士。

I have PhD in zero.

我只是一个准博士候选人。

I'm I'm a pre PhD candidate.

尽管如此，我要用我在婚姻中发现的最重要的词来结束：不是爱。

So that being said, I'm gonna close with the most important word I've found in marriage is not love.

而是宽恕。

It's forgiveness.

是宽恕。

It's forgiveness.

因为婚姻是两个罪人的结合。

Because you have a union between two sinners.

所以宽恕会不断成为你家中的常客。

So forgiveness will constantly be a guest in your house.

当孩子们来来去去，工作起起落落，房子换了一套又一套，宽恕的需求却始终不变。

When the kids come and go, when the jobs come and go, when the house comes and goes, the need for forgiveness will remain.

当这种需求出现时，问题来了——顺便说一句，因为你过度暴露在对方的生活里，甚至到了荒谬的程度，你甚至会在对方自己都未察觉时，就看到需要宽恕的地方。

And the question is, when the need presents itself and by the way, because you are overly exposed, ridiculously so, to the other person's life, you're gonna see need for forgiveness even when they don't even know it.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你会看到一些需要宽恕的事情，而你的配偶甚至根本不知道这些过失——她为什么会那样做？

You're gonna see things that require forgiveness that the your spouse is even unaware of violations that why would she do that?

他怎么能这样想？

How does he think that way?

他们在想什么？

What are they thinking?

这些宽恕的需求终将出现。

And these needs for forgiveness will come.

对你和你的心而言，问题是：宽恕会成为你家中受欢迎、被庆祝的客人，还是会成为不受欢迎、被憎恶的访客？

And the question for you and your heart is will that will forgiveness be a welcome celebrated guest in your house or an unwelcome resented one?

你是带着怨恨原谅你的配偶的吗？

Do you forgive your spouse resentfully?

明白吗？

Alright?

当你把基督教变成一种诅咒的时候。

And and where your Christianity becomes like a a curse.

因为我是基督徒，我想我必须原谅他。

Well, because I'm a Christian, I guess I have to forgive him.

我必须原谅她。

I have to forgive her.

但耶稣教导我们，属灵上的不饶恕会摧毁你的基督徒生活。

But Jesus teaches us spiritual unforgiveness is lethal to your Christian experience.

是的。

Yeah.

它会把你的基督徒生活彻底耗尽。

It will drain your Christian experience dry.

你会像瓶中的烟一样。

You will be that smoke in a bottle.

你会变得干涸。

You will be dry.

如果你活在不饶恕中，这就像是苦毒的毒藤。

If you live in unforgiveness, it's like bitter poison ivy.

它会吞噬你，因为它使你干涸，并让你对神的品格麻木。

It just eats you up because it dries you up and desensitizes you to the character of God.

不饶恕会使你对神的爱麻木。

Unforgiveness desensitizes you to the love of God.

但怜悯，正如他另一方面提到的，你知道怜悯做什么吗？

But mercy, as he mentioned on the other hand, you know what mercy does?

哦，有很多事情。

Oh, there's a lot of things.

它带来安全感和喜乐。

It breathes security and joy.

它呼出它。

It breathes it.

怜悯的人有福了，因为他们必蒙怜悯，但饶恕是有代价的。

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy, but forgiveness is costly.

在婚姻中更是如此，原因在于，我相信在婚姻中，你有更多需要原谅的地方。

Even more so in marriage, here's why, because I believe in marriage, you have more much more to forgive.

比你生命中任何其他关系都多，你有更多需要原谅的事情，因为你发现的东西比你曾经以为会发现的要多得多。

More than any other relationship in your life, you have much more to forgive because you discover more than you ever thought you would ever discover.

这就是‘我愿意’另一面的震撼效果。

That's the shock value of the other side of I do.

是的。

Yeah.

你和这个人住在一起，我们现在结婚了，你以为你会发现很多乐趣。

You move in with this person, we're now married, you're thinking you think I'm gonna discover delights.

不。

No.

你发现她会做什么？

You're gonna discover she does what?

她为什么要这么做？

Why would she do that?

或者她为什么像这样？我没想到在说‘我愿意’之后，这种发现并不总是美好的。

Or why is she like I didn't know on the other side of I do this discovery is not always beautiful.

有时候你会想：什么？

Sometimes it's like, what?

那是什么？

What is that?

你这样多久了？

How long have you been doing that?

你开始发现这些事情，比如，等等，怎么回事。

It's like you start unco and these things, like, wait a minute.

或者我以为，说‘我愿意’就会消除这些事情。

Or if my like, I thought that I do would remove these things.

不。

No.

犹太人揭露了这些事情。

IJew is expose these things.

等等，等等。

Like, wait a minute.

因为现在你的至圣所和我的至圣所变得异常接近。

Because now your holy of holies and my holy of holies are unholy close.

是的。

Yes.

那是什么？

Like, what is that?

那是谁？

Who is that?

把那个放回去。

Put that back.

就像是，好吧。

It's like, okay.

所以要乐于互相原谅。

So delight to forgive one another.

比起你生命中的任何其他关系，你更应该带着预设的仁慈态度与配偶同行。

More than any other relationship in your life, you want to walk with a presuppositional attitude of mercy towards your spouse.

因为每一天，无论你认为自己多么了解配偶，每一天，首先，你都会发现需要原谅的新事情。

Because every day, no matter how much you think you know your spouse, every day, number one, you're going to discover new things that require forgiveness.

然后第二点，可怕的是，会有一些你原谅了三十年的事情。

And then number two, scary version, there's going to be some things that you've forgiven for thirty years.

是的。

Yeah.

你原谅了又原谅，就像彼得那样，是七十个七次吗？

And you forgive and you forgive, like and you get like Peter, like, is it 70 times seven?

差不多就是这样。

And that's about right.

对。

Yeah.

史蒂夫牧师，四十多年的婚姻中，肯定有些事情你一再原谅、一再原谅。

Pastor Steve, over forty years of marriage, there's gotta be some things that you're forgiven, forgiven.

他说：‘上帝啊，要持续多久？’

He said, god, how long?

上帝说：‘谁给它设了时间限制？’

God's like, who set a time limit on it?

没错。

That's right.

所以，原谅是婚姻中最有力、我认为也是最重要的词，是最伟大的爱的表达。

So forgive is the most powerful, I would say, most important word and the greatest expression of love in a marriage.

这就在祷告中明确写着。

It's right there in the prayer.

我的意思是，耶稣说：‘好吧。’

I mean, Jesus said, okay.

你知道我是圣洁的，愿人都尊你的名为圣。

You know that I'm holy, hallowed be thy name.

愿你的国降临，愿你的旨意行在地上，如同行在天上。

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

每日的粮食。

Daily bread.

嗯。

Mhmm.

然后赦免我们。

And then forgive us.

哦。

Oh.

帮助我们以你的赦免去宽恕他人。

And help us to forgive with your forgiveness to others.

我就是这样祷告的，因为我觉得你说得对。

That's the way that I pray it because I think you're right.

你对自己感到困扰的事情很敏感，你可以求上帝赐予你力量，即使对方没有请求原谅，你也能宽恕。

You you have a sensitivity to what bothers you, and you can ask God to give you the power to forgive even when they don't ask for forgiveness.

是的。

Yes.

比如，你甚至不知道他们正在做让你感到困扰的事。

Like, don't even know that you're they're doing something that bothers you.

你为什么呼吸？

Why are you breathing?

嗯。

Yeah.

没错。

Exactly.

我不喜欢你这样呼吸。

I don't like how you breathe like that.

嗯。

Yeah.

我不，嗯。

I don't yeah.

我的意思是，你知道，我的鸡蛋烧焦了之类的，但这些都是微不足道的小事，还有其他事情。

I mean, my, you know, my my eggs were were burnt or something, but those are really trifling things, but there are other things.

我喜欢这一点。

I like that.

我们总是想，你有没有在祭坛前得到先生。

We always think, did you get Mr.

还是夫人。

Right or Mrs.

在祭坛前得到了吗？

Right at the altar?

嗯，你得到了上帝为你预备的那个人。

Well, you got God's person for you.

但每个先生。

But every Mr.

对其实有点不对。

Right is really a little bit wrong.

但实际上错得很多。

But actually a lot wrong.

错得很多。

A lot wrong.

错得很多。

A lot wrong.

他把你组合起来

And he puts you together

是的。

Yes.

来修复你。

To fix you.

是的。

Yes.

来修复你，

To fix you,

让你更完整，你知道，让你成为你，我们的完整在于上帝。

to make you more complete, you know, to make you you know, our wholeness is in God.

就是这样。

That's it.

我们的完整是在上帝里面找到的。

Our wholeness we find in God.

我们不像那样，你知道，有一句著名的电影台词，你让我完整。

And we're not like, you know, there's that famous line for a movie, you complete me.

那完全是胡说八道。

That's that's that's just crap.

别听那个。

Don't listen to that.

你的配偶不会让你完整，但你的配偶与你是一体的。

Your spouse is not going to complete you, but your spouse is one with you.

这很好。

That's good.

这建立在盟约和应许之上，是上帝设立的神圣制度。

And that is, you know, and it's built built on covenant and a promise, and it's built as a divine institution from God.

我造你是为了彼此。

I made you for each other.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我从你身上取下女人，为的是造她来配你。

I took the woman from you to make her for you.

你说：这是我骨中的骨，肉中的肉。

You said bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.

嗯。

Mhmm.

要这样待她。

Treat her that way.

而且，你知道，如果发生争执，你就可以原谅。

And and, you know, if there is a dust up, then, you know, you can forgive.

嗯。

Mhmm.

就像上帝所做的那样。

Just like God does.

你知道，在以色列的整个历史中，所有的比喻都是关于你曾犯过淫乱的。

You know, throughout the whole history of Israel, all of the imagery is like, you know, about this kind of you have been adulterous

嗯。

Mhmm.

在你与我的关系中，上帝总是将这一切回归到这种关系上。

In your relationship to me, and God always brings it back to, like, this relationship.

为什么以西结书、阿摩司书、以赛亚书中会有如此多的比喻呢？你知道，总是说：你们已经离我甚远，但我所立的约意味着我最终不会弃绝你们。

It's like, why is there so much imagery throughout Ezekiel, throughout Amos, throughout Isaiah, like, you know, and and it's always like, you know, you you have gone far from me, but the covenant, the covenant that I made means that I cannot ultimately forsake you.

这就是上帝最主要的应许。

And that's the, you know, that's the the the primary promise of God.

这一切都建立在这些应许之上。

It's built on those promises.

我喜欢耶稣提到 adultery 的同时，也提到了宽恕这个观点。

I like the also the idea that when Jesus mentions, and he does mention adultery, in the same chapter he mentions forgiveness.

嗯。

Yeah.

换句话说，在马太福音第五章27到32节中，耶稣在谈到这个问题后，紧接着就谈到了宽恕。

He he in other words, right after he addresses it in Matthew five twenty seven to 32, he does get into forgiveness.

嗯。

Yeah.

他把这两个想法结合在一起了。

He bring he marries the thought.

当你在思考这种可怕的罪时，我也希望你记住，总会有怜悯的空间。

It's like, as you're considering this horrible sin, I want you to also remember there's always room for mercy.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我们的婚姻中的怜悯不是基于我的许可。

We mercy doesn't exist in my marriage based upon my permission.

是的。

Yeah.

而是基于上帝的原则。

But it's based upon God's principle.

因为在这背后，我们再次对配偶极度暴露。

Because on the other side of this, again, we're hyper exposed to our spouse.

所以，正如你所说，会有许多事情浮现出来。

So there's so many, like you said, there's so many things that are gonna come up.

它们可能微不足道。

They could be trifling.

它们可能很小，但对我来说却可能非常重要。

They could be small, but maybe to me, they're huge.

我记得有一对夫妻，我曾为他们提供咨询，妻子因为丈夫不铺床而出现恐慌发作。

I can recall one time there was a couple that I counseled and the wife was having panic attacks because he wouldn't make the bed.

这成了她的心结，她对我说：‘牧师，我就是过不去这个坎。’

And it was a thing with her and she's like, Pastor, I can't get past it.

她每天早上起床。

Gets up.

我先去上班。

I go to work first.

我回家后。

I come home.

床还没整理。

The bed's not made.

这是我唯一要求的事情，但他就是不做。

It's one thing I ask and he's not doing it.

这让我痛苦，伤害了我们的关系。

And it's driving me it's hurting us.

她必须学会调整。

And she had to learn.

显然，他得学会叠被子。

Obviously he had to learn to make the bed.

是的。

Yeah.

她得学会原谅他。

She had to learn to forgive him.

就像我说的，每段婚姻都有其和好的节奏。

And like I said, every marriage has the rhythm for reconciliation.

是的。

Yeah.

所以你要确保拥有属于你们自己的方式，对吧？

So there's a way that just make sure you have one, right?

有困难没什么错，有争执和分歧也没什么错。

There's nothing wrong with having difficulties, nothing wrong with having arguments and things you don't agree on.

差异不等于分裂。

Difference is not division.

而且你要确保我们的差异不会让我们分裂。

And you want to make sure that our difference does not divide us.

是的。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

如果这意味着要远离尘世，亲近上帝，确保这些问题不会产生持久影响，那么没有上帝的帮助，你就无法原谅你的配偶，因为正是上帝让你能够看清这些事。

And if that means get away, get with God and make sure that it doesn't have lasting effects, and you can't forgive your spouse without God because the God is the one who's even allowing you to observe these things.

上帝为什么允许你看到你配偶的这些方面？

Why would God allow you to observe these things about your spouse?

为什么他不在《列王纪下》第五章里就隐藏这些呢？

Why couldn't he hide it from you in second Kings five?

主向我隐藏了这些。

The Lord hid it from me.

顺便说一句，上帝可能也向你隐藏了你配偶的一些事情。

And by the way, there probably are some things that God hides from you about your spouse.

你不是圣灵。

You're not the Holy Spirit.

你看不到一切。

You don't see everything.

但神向你显明的事需要怜悯。

But the things that God shows you require mercy.

它们需要怜悯。

They require mercy.

在婚姻的联合中，需要怜悯，这正是宽恕——我认为这是最重要的词，因为我们都是软弱的。

In the union, mercy is required, which is what forgiveness, I think, the most important word because we're frail.

是的。

Yeah.

正如牧师沙洛所说，你永远不会长大到不再愚蠢。

And as to quote pastor Shallow, you never outgrow stupid.

没错。

No.

即使在你智慧的巅峰，你也可能很愚蠢。

You can just at the pinnacle of your wisdom, you can be stupid.

就是这样。

That's it.

让我们来区分一下，愚蠢和笨是不同的词。

And let's let's put the let's put a, you know, like stupid is a different word than dumb.

是的。

Yes.

笨意味着你无知，但愚蠢意味着你知道该怎么做，却还是去做。

Dumb means you're oblivious, but stupid means you know what to do and you still do

做。

do the

错误的事。

wrong thing.

就像你明明知道该怎么做，却还是做错

It's like you still do the wrong

事情。

thing.

我的意思是，我们谈论的这种‘ Closet Life ’，不是指你的步入式衣帽间，也不是你妻子的步入式衣帽间。

It's like but I I like I you know, I think, you know, the way that we're talking about it is like closet life, not your walk in closet or your wife's walk in closet.

男人根本没有衣帽间。

No man has a closet.

好吧。

Okay.

但我说的‘ Closet Life ’，是指你和配偶共同生活的屋子里，其他所有房间之外，你真正能拥有的一个属于自己的空间。

But I mean, but closet life is like is the is the key to the all the rest of in all the other rooms of the house that you're living in with your your spouse is like that's that's You really have a place to go.

嗯。

Mhmm.

最终，你与上帝的关系，是你与自己之间最神圣的联结。

And, ultimately, your relationship with God is the the sacred contact for yourself.

你在祂面前站立或跌倒。

You stand or fall before him.

我不是说这些都很简单。

I'm not saying any of this is easy.

我们我们没有给你任何清单，你注意到了吗。

We we're we're we're not you noticed we didn't give you any lists.

没有。

No.

没有。

No.

我们没给你

We didn't give

任何作业或行动要点。

you any homework or action points.

你不需要那些。

You don't need that.

你需要的是，我推荐过那本书。

You need I did recommend the book.