赢得争论的最快方式

最快输掉争论的方式，就是主动挑起争论。

The fastest way to lose an argument is to start one.

哎，有谁跟我有同感吗？

Oh, can I get a witness?

说实话，我好多次卷入争论后才意识到，这全是我自己惹出来的。

Man, I tell you, there's been so many times I have gotten into an argument and realized I did this all to myself.

都是我自己造成的。

Myself.

你们有没有过这种经历？

Anybody relate to that?

欢迎收听杰弗逊·费舍尔播客。

Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast.

今天咱们把话题拉回到一切开始的地方。

I'm throwing it back in the truck where it all began.

咱们开始吧。

Here we go.

今天我想跟大家分享一件事，一直挂在我心上——怎么减少生活中的关系冲突。

So what I wanna share with you today, something that's been on my heart, and that is how to reduce the relational arguments in your life.

听好了，我得强调一下，这是一条醒目的免责声明，大写字母，全部大写：我不是婚姻专家。

Now hear me, I need you to hear me, this is a disclaimer, in bright letters, all caps, I am no marriage guru.

明白吗？

Alright?

我结婚了。

I am married.

我要跟你们分享的这些经验，都是用很大代价换来的，因为我做过很多糟糕的事。

What I'm about to share with you has come at a great cost because I have done things that have been terrible.

明白吗？

Alright?

我曾把我们推入过很多糟糕的境地，激烈的争吵，严重的冲突。接下来我要教你们的，都是我后来怎么走出来的，以及我和西耶拉是怎么化解矛盾的。

I have gotten us into bad positions, bad arguments, bad conflicts, and a lot of the things I'm gonna teach you are the ways that I have gotten through it, and the way that we, Sierra and I, work through things.

这是一段成长的过程。

This is a process.

这是一段成长的过程。

This is growth.

那我该怎么给你一些切实的建议呢？

So how can I give you some insight here?

第一，当你和伴侣、朋友或同事发生争执时，先停下来想一想：这场争吵到底是怎么开始的？

Number one, when you start a conflict, anytime with a spouse, a friend, a coworker, I want you to question for a second, how does the argument start?

当别人向你抱怨，说他们不喜欢你这么做、那么做——比如你漏了这个、放错了那个、邮件写得不好、语气不对、事情没做好——这些话本身并不是在挑起争执。

When somebody is complaining to you, when they are saying the thing they don't like, I don't like it when you leave this out or put this here or the way you wrote that document or sent that email or worded this or did this, okay, whenever they send you something, that's not the argument.

这些只是他们在表达感受。

That's not somebody starting an argument.

真正的争执，是从你说‘这不对’开始的。

The argument starts when you say, that's not true.

‘我不是这个意思。’

That's not what I said.

‘可是……但是……那你还得想想……’——这些‘可是’‘但是’一出来，争吵就真的开始了。

But, yeah, but what about but what about but yeah, but, like, all of those things, that's that's where the argument begins.

就在这里。

Right there.

不是在他们刚发出信号、表达不满的时候。

Not when they first have their sign, their signal, their they put out that signal of communication.

而是在你回应时，变得防御性了，对吧？

It is when you respond and get what?

对，就是变得防御了。

Defensive with that.

当你没有去接收对方传达的信息，反而立刻关上了大门。

It is when instead of receiving what is being sent, you immediately put up your spam blocker.

对吧？

Right?

直接说‘不’，好像有个红色按钮，一按就决定不搭理了。

Just going nope, as if you have a red button that you goes, I am not dealing with this.

我不接受你表达的这些。

I do not accept what you're putting out.

不过我不是在说有人对你恶语相向、精神操控这类情况。

Now, I'm not talking about if someone's being verbally abusive or gaslighting or anything like that.

把这些先放一边。

Put put that aside.

我说的是日常生活中最常见的那些小摩擦，该怎么处理得更好。

This is just your everyday conflict most of the time that that you deal with and how to get better at it.

所以你要明白，争执并不是从对方说的话开始的。

So I want you to have the mindset of arguments do not start from what the other person has said.

争执是从你开始抵触、开始防御、竖起盾牌，然后说‘我不是那个意思’的时候才开始的。

Arguments start when you butt up against it, when you get defensive, you pick up that shield, and you just go, that's not what I said.

我不是那样做的。

That's not what I did.

我不是那个意思，但你想想，只要你一进入‘那不对’这种模式，

That's not what yeah, but what about as soon as you go into that mode of that's not true.

你一开口说‘我明明是那样做的’，争执就已经开始了，你也已经输了。

You know, what I did, you you are that's the argument, and that's how you lose.

你就是这样输的。

That's how you lose.

我希望你能有这种心态。

I want you to have this mindset.

明白吗？

Okay?

这种心态就是，当你听到别人说话时，他们并不是在跟你对抗。

This mindset that when you hear somebody, they are not fighting you.

他们只是想让你理解他们。

They are fighting to be understood by you.

他们只是想让你理解他们。

They are fighting to be understood by you.

当你发现自己一听到就条件反射地反应——这种事难免会发生。

And when you find that it's you have this knee jerk reaction, which is gonna happen.

比如，事情并不会因为你一有反应就立刻变糟。

Like, it's not it's not a if things are gonna go south.

就是当事情要变糟的时候。

It's when they're going to go south.

这种情况肯定会发生。

It's gonna happen.

听好了。

Listen to me.

这种情况肯定会发生。

It's gonna happen.

只要一出现这种情况，我就希望你能找到办法，缩短这种痛苦的时间。

Whenever that whenever it does, I need you to find a path to reduce the length of that pain.

当我发现自己开始防御，因为有时候我确实会条件反射地想：这不对。

So when I find that I'm getting defensive, because I'm gonna sometimes have that knee jerk reaction and go, that's not true.

这话说得不对。

That's not that's not accurate.

我没说过这话。

That's not what I said.

这反而让对话更痛苦了，因为我跳过了第二部分要谈的内容——忽略了她在那一刻，或者她的朋友、任何人，都需要被倾听和理解的需求。

That is creating more pain in the conversation because I'm skipping over what I'm gonna talk to you in section two, is I'm skipping over the need by her or by a friend or by anybody to feel heard and understood in that moment.

我直接跳过去，一心只想争个对错。

I'm totally skipping right over it and going to what I'm fighting for.

只要我越快意识到，他们不是在跟我对抗，而是在努力争取被理解，

And the quicker I can get to that mindset of they're not fighting me, they're fighting to be understood by this.

哪怕我一时没做好，只要能尽快回到这个心态，情况就会越好。

The faster I can get there, even when I mess up, the faster I can get there, the better it's going to be.

所以要记住，他们不是在跟你作对，他们只是想被理解。

So the mindset of they're not fighting you, they're fighting to be understood.

那我们该怎么做到这一点呢？

How do we do that?

第二点，我们要肯定对方。

Number two, we affirm.

我们要肯定对方。

We affirm.

让我告诉你我学到的东西。

Let me tell you what I've learned.

我会分享一些话术，教你如何在当下给予肯定。

There are phrases that I'm gonna share with you on how to affirm the moment.

怎样才能让他们感觉被听见、被理解，从而让局面平静下来？

How do you make them feel heard and understood and calm everything down?

因为他们在听的时候，整个人的神经系统都在说：你在这里是安全的。

Because what they're hearing, their whole nervous system is is going, hey, you're safe here.

你不会受到威胁。

You're not threatened.

你不需要再拼命举证、讲道理、找借口，也不用滔滔不绝地解释，他们就会意识到：哦天啊，这个人真的懂我。

You don't have to continue to give all the evidence, all the reasoning, all the justification, and overtalk, overexplain, and they go, oh my gosh, this person gets it.

他们真的懂了。

They they they they get it.

他们真的明白了。

They they they understand.

你先别急，试着好好理解一下这个概念。

Like, I I want you to under to receive this concept for a second.

如果有人跟你说了一堆话，你回一句：我明白了。

If somebody says something to you and you go, I get it.

我真的懂了。

I really do.

我明白你的意思。

I get it.

这时候，你是真让他们觉得你懂了，还是只是随口敷衍一下？

Does it make you feel like they really get it, or they're just trying to, like, placate you?

他们只是想赶紧说句‘我懂了’来打发你。

They're they're just trying to push it on to go, I get it.

光说‘我懂了’是没用的。

Verbalizing I get it doesn't do it.

只有当你用他们说过的话来回应，他们才会真的觉得你懂了。

They will feel I get it when you use words that actually affirm what they just said.

我经常遇到这样的人，他们会说：杰斐逊，我配偶跟我讲了件事，我当时完全不知道该怎么回应，就只好沉默了。

So often, I'll have people who go, Jefferson, you know, my spouse said something to me, and I just I didn't know what to say, so I just kinda go quiet.

但其实你很清楚该说什么，因为他们已经告诉你了。

And I go, you know exactly what to say because they just told you.

你只需要把他们的话重复一遍，或者告诉他们，有这样的感受是完全正常的。

All you need to do is repeat either back to them or tell them that that's okay to feel.

在人际关系的争执中——不管是和伴侣、家人，还是同事——很多时候，他们真正想要的，只是觉得你理解他们的感受。

Most of the time, in relational arguments, I'm talking people you are married to, in a relationship with, and work relationships, in any kind, okay, romantic, non romantic, that they are, in many ways, just wanting to feel as though you get it.

而我们能做到这一点的方法，就是告诉他们：你有这样的感觉，是没问题的。

And how we do that is by telling them it's okay to feel that way.

我这辈子很多争吵，都是因为我忽略了这一点。

So many arguments in my life have been created because I skipped over that fact.

我总是急于告诉别人应该怎么感受。

I chose instead to tell somebody how to feel.

他们问：你说你担心这个，到底是什么意思？

They go, what do you what do you mean you're concerned about that?

我反而跟他们争论，说他们没必要担心这个，没必要害怕这个，觉得他们这么担心简直太傻了，还告诉他们别这么想——说实话，这让我特别受伤。

And I start arguing with them about why they shouldn't be concerned about that, why they shouldn't be afraid of that, why I think that's a stupid idea for them to be worried about that, and how, you know, I think it's dumb that this is Listen, and this has crushed me, alright?

因为我根本没抓住重点。

Because I'm missing it.

一旦我开始教别人该怎么感受，我就完全偏离了核心。

I'm missing the plot when that happens.

当我试图告诉他们该有什么情绪时，事情就彻底搞砸了。

When I go into telling them how they should feel.

这从来不管用。

That never works.

你跟人说‘你得冷静点’，这种话真能起作用吗？

When you tell somebody, calm you need to calm down, does that ever work?

根本不可能。

No.

这只会让他们觉得自己的感受不被接纳，不被允许，这对他们的神经系统会造成什么影响？

Only confirms with them that what they're feeling isn't okay, isn't safe, and what does that do to their nervous system?

它只会让情绪爆发出来。

It just erupts it.

直接爆发。

Erupts it.

你会突然情绪失控，因为你本来有机会把火扑灭，结果却往上面浇了油。

You'll just have a volcano of emotion because you had the chance to put out that fire, and instead, you poured gasoline on it.

在这个过程中，你反而制造了更大的裂痕。

And in the the process, you you created more of a rupture.

你加深了不信任。

You created more distrust.

在继续之前，我想花点时间跟你们说说 Timeline。

Before we get going, I wanna take a moment to tell you about timeline.

当我们谈论健康衰老时，通常想到的是饮食、运动和睡眠。

Now when we talk about aging well, we usually think of things like diet, exercise, sleep.

这些当然都很重要。

Well, those are all well and good.

但我想让我们也关注一下细胞层面的问题。

But what I want us to do is also have to keep looking down at the cellular level.

没错。

That's right.

你心里清楚。

You know it.

线粒体。

The mitochondria.

如果你还记得上学时学过的，线粒体是细胞的能量工厂。

If you remember from school, mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell.

这可不是随便说说的。

Well, it's actually a real thing.

如果你觉得自己老了，精力不如从前了，那很可能就跟它有关。

And in fact, if you might be aging, go, I feel like I don't have as much energy.

对。

Yeah.

那是因为线粒体真的会老化和受损。

That's that's because mitochondria can actually get old and damaged.

所以我一直在吃 Timeline 的 Mitopure。

And that's why I've been taking Mitopure from Timeline.

它是一种小小的、像 tapioca 果冻糖一样的东西，味道其实特别好。

It's a small little like tapioca gummy that tastes excellent, actually.

你可以吃

You can say you can

每天最多吃四粒。

take up to four.

我每次都吃四粒。

I always take four.

因为它实在太好吃了

That's how good

才这么吃。

they taste.

它们的作用基于大量临床研究，专门帮助清除老化的线粒体，恢复你的能量。

And what they do, it's one of this clinically proven research that they've been putting into to help clean out old mitochondria to renew the energy that you have.

Timeline 花了十五年多时间研究线粒体健康，在人体临床试验中，人们不改变生活习惯，肌肉力量和精力都得到了提升，这太棒了。

So Timeline has spent over fifteen years researching mitochondrial health and in human clinical studies, people saw improvements in muscle strength and energy without changing their routine, which is awesome.

对我来说，这关乎保持力量、头脑清醒，在年纪渐长时依然做自己。

For me, this is about staying strong, staying sharp, and feeling like myself as I continue to get older.

Timeline 的临床验证配方，现在价格更低了。

Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new lower price.

Mitopure 现在只要 79 美元起，访问 timeline.com/jefferson 即可购买。

Mitopure now starts at $79 when you go to timeline.com/jefferson.

访问 timeline.com/jefferson 了解更多信息。

Go to timeline.com/jefferson to learn more.

好了，我们继续。

Now, let's keep going.

我说他们已经告诉你该说什么，意思就是这个。

So when I say they've already told you what to say, here's what I mean by that.

如果你身边有人跟你说，‘我真的觉得特别烦，你总是做X、Y、Z这些事’，或者他们甚至都不提‘烦’这个字，只是说感受。

If somebody in your life is making a statement about, hey, you know, I I really feel frustrated when you do x, y, and z, or maybe they don't even give it a name, they don't even say frustration.

他们可能会说，‘我不喜欢你老是回家这么晚。'

They say, I really don't like that you come home late.

你每次都晚归，从来就没准时过。

You're always home late, and you never seem to be on time.

别急着去争论他们说的对不对。

Rather than you fighting these going to the accuracy of the statement.

对吧？

Right?

我们第一步要做的，就是先别急着辩解。

That's what we wanna do first.

我们先停下来。

We wanna go hold up.

我上一次这样是什么时候？

When's the last time that I've done that?

他们说：昨晚我没迟到啊。

And they go, I wasn't late last night.

他们还说：但前天你确实迟到了。

And they go, yeah, but you were late the night before.

他们接着说：那也没关系。

And they go, well, that's okay.

那上周呢？这下变成什么了？

Well, the week before, and it becomes what?

变成了一场谁更准确的较量。

An accuracy contest.

谁的记忆力更好？

Who has the better memory?

你干嘛非得这样？

Why why are you doing that?

因为你不想承认他们说的话。

Because you're wanting to discount what they're saying.

你只盯着事实和准确性。

You're going to the facts and the accuracy of what's there.

你漏掉了重点。

You're missing it.

问题不在这里。

That's not the issue.

根本不是牛奶的事。

It's not about the milk.

明白吗？

Okay?

真正重要的是背后的情绪。

It is about the feeling underneath.

你总想着去反驳‘这不对’。

And instead of trying to go, that's not true.

不是这样的。

No, I'm not.

我没那么晚。

I'm not that late.

你在说什么呢？

What are you talking about?

我一直在的。

I'm I'm here all the time.

与其那样，不如停下来想想，我明白这确实会让人特别沮丧。

Rather than that, it is pausing and go, I can see how that would be really frustrating.

我能理解，这会让你觉得我不想在这儿。

I can see how that would make you feel like I don't wanna be here.

是的。

Yeah.

我完全能明白。

That makes total sense to me.

我也听到了。

Or I hear that.

这我能理解。

That makes sense.

你有这种感受很正常。

Of course, you feel that way.

我完全听懂你这些话了。

I I I I can hear all of that.

你注意到了吗？当我这么说的时候，对方就会垂下肩膀，真的明白了——问题不在于你有没有共鸣。

You see how when I say those statements, the other person is going to drop their shoulders and get it because the issue is not that you relate.

明白吗？

Okay?

问题在于，这话让他们心里产生了某种感觉。

The issue is it makes them feel something.

那种感觉是什么？

What is that feeling?

就是觉得你不在他们身边，不想陪在他们周围，故意躲着他们，这会加剧他们内心的恐惧和不安。

As though you're not with them, you don't wanna be around them, you're avoiding them, and it's gonna feed into this all the fear and insecurity of everything else.

现在，我的问题根本不是我迟到了。

Now, my my issue is not that I'm late.

我做过太多别的事了，相信我，当我开始深入想想，我才明白，原来我不过是在为牛奶的事较劲。

I've done tons of other things, believe me, that I have had to start scratching the surface, and I realize, man, I'm just fighting about the milk.

我在这儿争来争去，却错过了重点，杰斐逊，你也错过了。

I'm just fighting up here, and I'm missing it, Jefferson, you're missing it.

那关键到底是什么呢？

And what is the key to doing that?

就是简单地肯定对方。

Is to simply affirm.

第三点，我想给你一些肯定的表达，一些能帮到你的肯定语句，就像它们帮到了我一样。

So three, I wanna give you some affirmation statements, some affirming phrases that are gonna help you like they've helped me.

我之前已经提过几个了，现在你试着想象一下，也可以自己创造，但核心就是让对方知道，他们的感受是完全正常的。

I've already mentioned a few, and these are ones that I want you to imagine, and you can come up with any of your own, but what you're doing is the goal is to tell the other person that what they are feeling is okay.

明白吗？

Alright?

他们想什么都没关系。

What they're thinking is okay.

他们的感受不过分，你能承受，你是个让他们安心的地方。

That it's alright for them, that their emotions are not too much, and you can handle it, and you're a safe place.

你能接纳、承担并陪伴这些情绪，而不是轻视它们，说他们傻，逼他们换种感受来让你自己舒服。

You're a person who can absorb and take and sit with these emotions rather than discounting them and telling them how stupid they are and how they should feel something else that makes you more comfortable with it.

其实我也在对自己说这些话。

Hey, I'm preaching to the choir here too.

明白吗？

Alright?

那有哪些肯定的表达呢？

So what are some affirming phrases?

这些表达通常都是从你听到的内容开始的。

These are phrases that typically begin with what you hear.

对吧？

Right?

或者我明白了。

Or I see.

感官方面也是这样，我们讨论分歧时也是如此。

Same with the the the senses, what we talk about in disagreement.

别再说‘我不同意’，可以说‘我的看法不一样’。

Instead of I disagree, I see things differently.

所以简单点说，就是‘我听到了’。

So it could be as simple as, I hear that.

我听懂你的意思了。

I hear you.

就这么简单。

Easy as that.

不是‘我明白了’那种说法。

It's not I understand.

重点在于‘你听我说’这个区别。

Hear me out distinction.

不是我明白。

Not I understand.

因为当你这么说的时候，你是在假设你感受到的一切，就是我正在感受的一切。

Because when you say that, you're going, everything you feel is everything I feel.

我懂了。

I I get it.

他们却说：别这样。

And they go, no, don't.

你根本没懂。

You don't understand.

对吧？

Right?

千万别把你人生中经历过的感觉，跟别人此刻的感受画上等号。

That that's it's it's don't ever try to equate what you have felt in your life with somebody is feeling right now.

我知道你可能是好心，但这样讲效果往往适得其反。

I know it might be extremely well intentioned, but it's not going to land nearly as well.

明白吗？

Okay?

除非是在制定某种指令或计划，确认大家是否达成一致，否则最好别说‘我懂’。

It is best not to say I understand, unless it is some type of directive or some type of plan that you're putting in place, and going, are are we all on the same page here?

现在我们是在表达认同，意思是：我听到了，我理解，这说得通。

Right now, we're affirming, and that means I hear you, I hear that, that makes sense.

我能理解你为什么会有这种感受。

I I can see why you feel that way.

我能明白你为什么会这样想。

I can see how you feel that way.

你听出来了吧，我其实是在确认他们的心理状态。

Like, you you hear how I am it's like I'm checkmarking their state of mind.

我是在确认他们在那一刻的情绪。

I'm checkmarking their feeling in that moment.

还有很多类似的表达，我觉得我已经给了你足够多的例子来理解了。

Here's the and there's lots of phrases, and I I've I feel like I've given you enough to understand here.

你得重点关注这一点，先跟我一起集中一下注意力。

Here's what I need you to queue in on, so just focus in with me for a second.

你肯定会搞错。

You're gonna get it wrong.

这种事情难免会发生。

It's gonna happen.

回头再想想那句话。

Go back to that phrase.

选任何你觉得贴切的肯定表达都行。

Whatever affirming phrase makes sense to you.

我要再强调一下这一点。

Here's what I'm gonna double down on.

总会有些时候，你不想这么做。

There's gonna be times you don't feel like it.

哦。

Oh.

有时候啊，你们就是提不起劲来。

There's gonna be some times, y'all, you don't feel like it.

你就是生气，就是烦躁。

You just you're angry, You're frustrated.

你气他们干的好事，怎么敢搅乱你的一天。

You're mad about what they did, and how dare they mess up my day.

你知道的，他们一贯就是这样。

And, you know, it's just like them to bring this up.

他们总是翻旧账。

They're always bringing this up.

这种事肯定会发生。

That's gonna happen.

你会陷入那些心态、那种模式，而它们其实挺伤人的。

You're gonna get into these these mindsets, these modes that are going to, you know, can be destructive.

一旦出现这种情况——而它一定会来——因为这说明你已经快被情绪淹没了。

When that happens, and it will, because what it's saying is, now you're getting flooded.

对吧？

Right?

你现在陷入了一个糟糕的状态，情绪马上就要爆发了。

You're now you're getting in a bad place, and it's gonna erupt on your side.

一旦发生这种情况，我希望你采取我所说的最小可行回应。

When that happens, I need you to go to what I call the minimal viable response.

对吧？

Right?

这是从科技圈里借来的一个说法。

That's that's a play on words from in in tech.

他们常说‘最小可行产品’。

They say minimum viable product.

就是先把原型做出来再说。

Like, let let just get the prototype out.

你不可能做到完美。

Just you can't be perfect.

别搞得那么花哨。

Don't try to be fancy.

我们不需要最棒的、最完美的东西。

We're not looking for the best, the perfect.

我们只需要一个东西就行。

We're just looking for something.

一个东西。

Something.

因为总比什么都没有强。

Because something is better than nothing.

对吧？

Right?

当我感觉在争论中被压得喘不过气时，我常说的是：我听到了你的意思。

So I when I feel like I'm getting flooded in the argument, I my go to phrase is, I hear you.

就这么简单。

That's it.

这其实就是我的口头禅。

That's just my go to phrase.

你得有个在争论时能用来表态的固定说法。

You need to have a go to phrase that you affirm in the argument.

事实上，只要你用这句话，大概率就吵不起来了，因为你是在认可对方的说法。

In fact, if you use that phrase, most likely, you will not have an argument because you are you are affirming what they're saying.

在开始之前，我想花点时间跟你们说说 Monarch。

Before we get going, I wanna take a moment to tell you about Monarch.

我不知道你怎么样，但税季已经过去了，现在正是停下来回头看、想想钱都花哪儿了的时候。

Well, I don't know about you, but tax season is now behind us, and now is one of those times where you get to stop and look at everything and go, where did it all go?

所以每到这时候，我就会问自己：我们能怎么帮上忙？

So that's when I catch myself and I go, how can we help with this?

Monarch Money 就是这个解决方案，因为说实话，我可不想光是回头看看。

Monarch Money is that solution because I don't know about you, but I don't want to just look back.

我还想往前走。

I also want to make progress.

这就是我喜欢Monarch的原因。

And that's why I love Monarch.

它把我的每一笔开销都集中在一个地方清晰地展示出来。

It shows me where my money is going all in one single place.

用Monarch，让财务变得更简单。

Simplify your finances with Monarch.

Monarch是一款全方位的个人财务管理工具，专为让你生活更轻松而设计。

Monarch is the all in one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier.

它能把你的整个财务状况整合在一起。

What it does is it brings your entire financial life.

无论是预算、账户、投资、净资产，还是未来规划，全都汇聚在一个仪表盘里，手机或电脑上都能查看。

So think budgeting, accounts, investments, net worth, future planning, together in one dashboard, all on your phone or on your laptop.

这个报税季，用Monarch掌控你的财务，使用代码Jefferson可享五折优惠。

Feel aware and in control of your finances this tax season and get 50% off your Monarch subscription with the code Jefferson.

所有信息一目了然，尽在仪表盘，给你真正需要的安心感。

See everything all at once, all at the dashboard, and give yourself the piece that you need.

用 Monarch 实现持久的财务目标，这款全能工具让理财变得简单易行。

Achieve your financial goals for good with Monarch, the all in one tool that makes money management simple.

前往 monarch.com 并使用代码 Jefferson，首年享五折优惠。

Use code Jefferson at monarch.com for half off your first year.

在 monarch.com 使用代码 Jefferson，立享五折。

That's 50% off at Monarch dot com, code Jefferson.

接下来我们继续。

Now let's keep going.

现在我知道你心里在想，杰斐逊，但他们错了。

Right now, I know that you're going, well, Jefferson, but they're wrong.

你是说我就得完全认同他们？

You mean I just have to agree with them?

你是说我就得任人摆布，一点反抗都不行？

You mean I have to just go with it and lay down and let them walk over me?

不。

No.

我不是这个意思。

That's not what I'm saying.

我的意思是，表达观点要有时机，不是他们一提意见、一亮态度，你就马上反驳。

What I'm saying is there is a time to raise your point, and it's not as soon as they have raised their flag and their complaint.

不是一听到不同意见，就立刻打断，告诉他们哪里错了。

It's not when you get to shut it right down and tell them how wrong they are.

我可没这么说。

That's that's not what I said.

这不对。

That's not right.

对。

Yeah.

但完全不是这么回事。

But that's that's not at all.

对。

Yeah.

那要是说‘不’呢？

But what about no.

我们不会再直接指责他们了。

We're not gonna point the finger right at them again.

相反，我们要先肯定他们，然后说：你知道吗？

Instead, we're going to affirm, and we're gonna say, you know what?

如果他们觉得是那样，我完全理解他们为什么会这么想。

If that's how it came across to you, that that makes sense why you'd feel that way.

这真是个特别好的肯定方式。

Awesome affirming statement.

然后他们会说：谢谢你。

And they're gonna go, thank you.

对吧？

Right?

也许他们还会继续说下去。

Maybe they're gonna keep talking.

你再肯定一次。

You affirm again.

他们可能会再多说一点。

They might talk a little bit more.

你再肯定一次。

You affirm again.

你在告诉他们的内心：这里没问题。

You are telling their system, we're good here.

这是一个安全的地方。

This is a safe place.

然后你会知道什么时候该行动，但你得问一个问题。

And then you're gonna know when it's time, but you're gonna ask something.

我们要搭起这座桥。

We're gonna connect the bridge.

现在这座桥连着你想分享的内容，我们来问一问。

This is a bridge now to what you want to share, and we're going to ask.

我们可以说：我能说说我是怎么想的吗？

We're gonna say, can I share where I was coming from?

我能解释一下我那么做是出于什么意图吗？

Can I share my intention when I did that?

你愿意听我说说我是怎么感受这件事的吗？

Are you open to me telling you what I how I experienced that?

你能听出区别吗？当我问‘你在说啥’，和我换种方式表达时的不同？

Can you hear the difference of me going, what are you what are you talking about?

那完全不是事情的真相，而如果我换种方式，说‘等你准备好了，我想分享一下我对这件事的看法’，感觉就不一样了。

That's that's not at all what happened versus affirming and saying, whenever you're ready, I'd like to share my thinking of what what's happening, my perspective.

我能跟你聊聊我看到的、我做的、我的初衷，或者背后的想法吗？

Can I share with you my perspective of what I see or what I did or what my intention was or the thought behind that?

他们会说：好。

And they're going to go, yes.

然后你就能表达自己的看法了，也希望对方能认可你。

And then you get to share your perspective, and hopefully, the other person's going to affirm you.

如果他们不接受，那这场争执也就避开了，问题也化解了。

If they don't, understand it has been argument avoided, mischief managed.

明白吗？

Alright?

当你能以‘我理解你的立场，我懂了’这样的方式表达自己，而不是直接说‘你错了’，而是先问‘我可以分享一下我的看法吗？’，而不是硬塞给你，说‘你得听我的’，这样会好很多。

When you're able to share your perspective in a way that talks from, I see where you're coming from, got that, instead of telling you your point is wrong, I'm gonna ask if I can share my perspective, rather than just flopping it onto you and saying, eat this, I'm going to tell you or ask.

我想解释一下，我之前说那句话的时候，心里是怎么想的。

I'd like to I'd like to share where I was coming from when I said that.

我想分享一下我的看法，或者给你另一个角度。

I'd like to share my perspective or give my perspective or give you another take.

我可以给你一个不同的理解方式吗？

Can I give you another way of thinking about that?

这真是个好得多的方法。

That is such a better way.

在我自己的生活中，我通过肯定、连接和分享我的观点，化解了很多可能发生的争执。

I I have, in my own life, diffused many would be arguments by affirming, bridging, and sharing my perspective.

但我得先表示理解。

But I have to affirm first.

如果我搞砸了——我肯定会搞砸——那我越快能停下来，不再固执己见、划清界限，越快放下我的武器和盾牌，这些小摩擦和争执就会越短。真正重要的时刻，其实就变成了路上的小颠簸，你只需要感受到它、理解它、明白它，然后就能解决掉。

And if I mess up, and I will mess up, I find that the quicker I can get to affirming and stopping myself from just putting my flag in the ground, drawing the line in the sand, and I can get faster at putting down my sword and my shield, the shorter those little blips and those arguments, they're really the big moments just become speed bumps, right, where you're to feel it, understand it, get it, and then resolve it.

这正是我们想要达到的效果。

And that's that's what we're going for.

所以我来给你几个不同的视角。

So let me give you some different perspectives.

我们聊聊婚姻，就从我自己的生活和经历说起。

We talk about marriage from my own life, from my own world.

所以不管是每天的琐事，有孩子没孩子，有伴侣没伴侣，只要遇到意见不合，先肯定对方，再自然地引出你的看法。

So that's every day, anything, especially if you have kids, don't have kids, your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it is, and you are dealing with difference of opinion, affirm, bridge to your perspective.

如果在工作中，有人对某件事有不同想法，别一上来就说他这想法太蠢，或者你认为他不该担心那些即将来临的问题，而是先肯定：我明白，你有这种顾虑是有道理的。

If you're at work, okay, and somebody has a different idea about something, rather than telling them their idea is dumb, and how you think that it's, you know, they shouldn't all be worried about that looming whatever coming up affirm that, you know what, I I can see why that would concern you.

我能理解，这确实是个让人特别沮丧的时刻。

I can see, I can hear that that that's a really frustrating moment.

听起来这件事让你困扰很久了。

It sounds like something that's really been bothering you for a while.

先认可这句话，然后再过渡。

Affirm that statement, then bridge.

我能换种方式跟你聊聊这件事吗？

Can I give you a different way of looking about that?

我能跟你分享一下我的看法吗？

Can I share with you how I see that?

这只会让整个气氛都垮掉。

It just is gonna pull everything down.

大家的肩膀都耷拉下来，声音也渐渐变小，你知道吗？

Everybody's shoulders start to drop, voices start to lower, and you know what?

本来可能是一场争执，结果却变成了一次对话。

What could have been an argument just turns into a conversation.

这正是我们想要的。

And that's what we're looking for.