#1 - 布莱恩·雷德班

才差400票而已。

It's only 400 votes.

如果他赢了，当上了阿斯彭的警长，那会怎么样？但他真正想推行的是，任何足够好到值得服用的药物都应当合法，他完全正确。

He can't he if he won, if he was the the the sheriff of Aspen, that would have been But one of the things that he wanted to have was that any drug that you can take that is good enough to be taken should be legal and he's totally right.

你知道吗？如果人们想要大麻，就该让人们用东西去换大麻。

You know, if people want weed, it should be people should trade things for weed.

你知道吗？

Oh, you know what?

就是。

It.

如果你想要，就应该能买到，但问题是，那样就会有一些无良的人只想卖大麻。

You should be able to buy if you want to but the problem with that is, you know, then you're going to get some really unscrupulous people that just want to sell pot.

他们只想卖，想从中赚钱，然后这就和别的东西没什么两样了。

You know, they just want to sell it and they they want to make profit off of it and then it becomes like anything else.

他们试图排挤竞争对手，比如我常去的一家大麻店。

The they try to cut out the competition and like like one of the weed stores that I go to.

他隔壁就住着一个人，就在他旁边开了店，我是说真的就在隔壁。

There's a guy right next door to him that that opened up like I'm talking like right next door.

两家大麻店之间可能只隔了一个店面。

Like there's maybe like one storefront between two weed stores.

那个人很生气。

And the guy's pissed off.

这家伙真是个混蛋。

And he's this guy's a dick.

这完全违背了大麻本应代表的精神。

That's totally not in the spirit of, you know, what marijuana's supposed to be.

我的意思是，你不该在别人店旁边直接开一家，抢走他的生意。

I mean, you're not supposed to be opening up right next to store to a dude and killing his competition.

但他也不该说：‘去他的，那家伙。’

But he shouldn't be like, fuck that dude.

你知道那家伙在干什么吗？

You know, what's that dude doing?

他只是另一个卖大麻的人。

He's just another dude selling weed.

是的。

Yeah.

他不应该就在你旁边做这个。

He shouldn't be doing it right next to you.

对。

Yes.

没错。

Correct.

但别当个混蛋。

But don't be an asshole.

你他娘的就是在卖大麻，伙计。

You're fucking selling weed, pal.

你知道的。

You know?

你可不是在拯救世界。

You ain't fixing the world.

亨特·S·汤普森是我的偶像，我打算把拉尔夫·斯德曼的图案纹满全身。你真的吗？

Hunter s Thompson is my hero and I'm planning full sleeves of Ralph Steedman Are you really?

哇。

Wow.

这是个好主意。

That's a good idea.

是斯德曼、斯德曼，还是斯蒂德曼？

Stedman, Stedman, or Steedman?

我忘了他名字怎么说了。

I forgot how you say his name.

是斯蒂德曼吗？

Is it Steedman?

我爱他的艺术。

I love his art.

他的作品风格...该怎么说呢？我找不到合适的词来形容了

His art's perfectly goes like what's the word I'm looking for?

和亨特·S·汤普森的文字风格完美契合

Compliments Hunter S Thompson's writing.

你懂的，那俩人简直把这事儿做绝了

You know, that guy just nailed it.

从他们第一次合作的时候开始，就是那篇记录肯塔基德比大赛奢华又堕落的作品里，就已经配合得恰到好处了

From the very first time they worked together, when they did that the Kentucky Derby is decadent and depraved.

从那个故事一直到《拉斯维加斯的恐惧与厌恶》，那个拉尔夫都完美诠释出了精髓。

From that story all the way on to fear and loathing in Las Vegas, That Ralph guy, he nailed it.

他当时和亨特混在一起。

He he was he was hanging with Hunter.

他完全把握住了亨特笔下传递出的那种氛围。

He totally got the vibe that that Hunter was writing.

他彻底理解亨特看待事物的视角。

He totally got where Hunter was seeing things.

你知道吗，我最近才开始真正接触亨特·S·汤普森的作品。

You know, I just started getting into Hunter S Thompson really recently.

我想大概是一年半以前吧。

I was I guess maybe a year and a half ago.

我当时住在西雅图的一家酒店里，通过酒店的点播系统看了《恐惧与厌恶在拉斯维加斯》。

I was staying in a hotel room in Seattle and I ordered up Gonzo on the the pay per view in the hotel.

因为其他片子看起来都没什么意思。

Just because nothing else looked good.

我心想，管他呢。

I said, fuck it.

我就随便看看，结果立刻就成了亨特·S·汤普森的粉丝。

I'll just check this out and I immediately became a Hunter S Thompson fan.

开始读他的书，现在正在读的这一本是

Started reading his books and I'm reading the one I'm reading now

《大白鲨猎杀》。

is the great shark hunt.

那是吗？

Was that?

这本是

The

我现在读的就是这本。

one I'm reading now is this one.

《大鲨鱼猎杀》。

Great shark hunt.

太棒了。

It's great.

里面什么都有。

It's got everything in there.

里面收录了他好几篇《恐惧与厌恶》。

It's got a a bunch of his different Fear and loadings in there.

还有肯塔基德比。

The Kentucky Derby's in there.

有很多很棒的商店，就像他的作品合集一样。

A lot a lot of great stores like a collection of his works.

最典型的。

The quintessential.

嗯，需要建一些带有零售店面的种植屋。

Well, it's need to grow homes with retail fronts.

是的，老兄。

Yeah, man.

保持一切简单。

Keep it all easy.

这正是我想说的。

That's what I'm talking about.

如果你从来没去过种植室，我只去过一个种植室。

If you never been to a grow room before, I've only been to one grow room.

那挺有意思的。

It was pretty interesting.

在洛杉矶有一个地方，他们提供全方位的服务。

There was a a place in LA where they they it was a full service place.

你可以在那里拿到处方。

You can get a prescription there.

你可以在那里买到大麻，你们猜猜你们现在要来看的是什么，伙计们？

You could get weed there and you could what you're coming to see here fellas?

你和我拍过一张照片。

You have a picture with me.

嗨。

Hi.

他们可以在那里买到大麻，而且他们自己种的。

They they could get weed there and they grew it.

所以，有一个后屋，里面装满了各种照明设备。

So, there was like this backroom where they had all these lights set up.

那地方挺诡异的，老兄。

It was pretty trippy, man.

那是个超大的房间，里面全是植物，全都亮着灯，你穿过这些植物时，嗯，它们都是活的。

Like, it was a a a big ass room and it was filled with these plants and they were all lit up and you walk through the plants and if like, yeah, they were alive.

你知道，它们是活的植物，但感觉就像它们有意识一样。

You know, they're living plants but it felt like like they were conscious.

也许是因为我当时真的醉得厉害。

Like, maybe it was because I was really high.

有可能。

That might be.

但也许是因为我当时真的醉得厉害。

But maybe because I was really high.

我能够与它们产生共鸣。

I was able to tune into it.

那是一种非常奇怪的感觉。

But it was it was a very weird sensation.

感觉就像我周围都是有生命的个体。

It felt like I was around like living entities.

就像它们不仅仅是植物而已。

Like it didn't just feel like they were plants.

感觉它们是有生命的。

It felt like they were alive.

你知道，这非常奇怪。

You know, it was very strange.

这很酷。

It's cool.

我思考过这件事。

I thought about it.

我当时想，要是我家也有这样的东西就好了，但那可是相当违法的。

I was like, that'd be cool to have something like that in my house but that's pretty illegal.

至少在联邦层面是这样。

Federally, at least.

你知道，要是他们发现你家里有大量这种植物，肯定会说：嘿，婊子。

You know, if they caught you with a bunch of plants in your house, you know, they'd be like, hey, bitch.

你那些东西在干嘛？

What are you doing with those?

你本来就可以拥有一个。

You're allowed to have a.

是的。

Yeah.

我们本来就可以拥有一大堆。

We're allowed to have a bunch.

你可以拥有最多六株植物。

You you can have like up to six plants.

你其实可以拥有更多，因为你有那个X，特别是。

You're actually allowed to have more because you have that x especially.

哦，对了。

Oh, that's right.

我有豁免权，因为我是个真正的瘾君子。

I have an exemption because I'm a fucking real stoner.

这两株会给我们惹麻烦吗？

Is two of these fucking with us here?

不会。

No.

但你完全可以关掉第二株。

But you can you can totally turn off that second one.

这一株？

This one?

是的。

Yeah.

抱歉，各位。

Sorry, folks.

正在整理。

Getting organized.

这是我第一次真的做这种事，我老是说要干点这种事。

This is the first time I've I'm always threatening to do some shit like this.

我从不付诸行动。

I never follow through.

为什么UFC的环场女郎被解雇了？

Why were the UFC ring girls fired?

我不知道。

I do not know.

她们都很友善。

They were very nice.

她们全部都是吗？

All of them were?

有两个女孩被解雇了。

Two girls were fired.

她们留下了阿里亚尼，她也是个非常友善的人。

They left Ariani who's a very nice person as well.

我和她认识好几年了。

I've been friends with her for years.

她是个超酷的姑娘。

She's a super cool chick.

而且很性感。

And hot.

非常性感。

Very hot.

可能是那种古典美人。

Probably classically beautiful.

她的脸简直美到极致了。

Like, it doesn't get any more beautiful, her face.

人也非常好。

Very nice person too.

你可以在Twitter上关注她。

You can follow her on Twitter.

她在Twitter上。

She's on the Twitter.

她是不是那个戴假发的还在工作？

She's on Is the one with the fake wig still working?

你干嘛提到假发？

Why'd you talk about fake wig?

你怎么敢？

How dare you?

首先，你怎么敢？

First of all, how dare you?

你怎么敢？

How dare you?

别毁了她整个事业，就是那个戴假发的。

Fuck with her whole career, the one with the fake wig.

嗯，她确实戴假发。

Well, she has a fake wig.

你指的是谁？

You talking about?

那个头发很蓬松的，七十年代风格的。

The one with the big hair, the seventies hair.

她看起来像是留着七十年代的发型。

She looks like she has seventies hair.

该死。

Damn.

她刚起步，可能只是

She just started like maybe

哦，那个金发的？

Oh, the blonde one?

对。

Yeah.

她叫洛根。

Her name is Logan.

她没有戴假发。

She did not have fake hair.

那就是

That was

她的头发。

her hair.

那是真的？

That was real?

是的。

Yeah.

她只是有些卷发

She just has some curly hair

而且她就是这样梳的。

and that's

她就是这样梳头的。

how she wears it.

是个非常非常好的女孩。

Very very nice girl.

我以为亚特兰大家庭主妇那档节目，你知道那些假发又流行回来了。

I thought the Atlanta housewives thing, you know how that wigs are back.

所以我以为那是那种情况。

So I thought that was one of those.

你可能是对的。

You might be right.

你可能是对的。

You might be right.

你看过《亚特兰大家庭主妇》这个节目吗？

You ever watch that housewives of Atlanta show?

哦，首先，没有什么比白人女孩在黑人女孩面前开始说黑人俚语更有趣了。

Oh, there's nothing like first of all, there's nothing like white girls around black girls when they start talking black.

我超爱这种场面。

I love that shit.

对。

Right.

我喜欢白人男性这么做。

I love when white guys do it.

我喜欢白人女性这么做。

I love when white girls do it.

在我看来，这就像在动物园看猩猩交配时发疯一样。

To me, it's just like watching chimps at the zoo when they fuck each other, when they go crazy.

真是让人惊叹。

It's like, wow.

看这个。

Look this.

这很奇怪。

This is weird.

这很有趣。

This is interesting.

对。

Right.

当白人和黑人在一起时，他们会开始表现得像黑人。

When white people around black people they start acting black.

再没有比史蒂文·西格尔的节目更好的例子了。

There's no better example than the Steven Seagal show.

天哪。

Holy shit.

你看过他那样做的时候吗？

Have you seen when he does that?

他开到一群黑人旁边。

He pulls up to a group of black people.

他就会说：‘嘿，怎么了？’

He's like, what up, because?

最近怎么样？

What's going on?

哦，老兄。

Oh, dude.

多多保重。

Much love.

多多保重。

Much love.

他说话带着黑人腔。

He talks black.

哇。

Wow.

就是那种特别居高临下的态度。

Like, really condescendingly.

然后你知道吗，当他在车里、摄像机对着他的时候，他会装出一副佛教徒的口吻。

And then, you know, when he's in the car when the camera's on, he'll talk like Buddhist.

他说些蠢话，你知道的。

He says like he says like stupid shit, you know.

一位老和尚带着一位小和尚走路，小和尚问：什么是佛陀之道？

The the one monk was walking with the younger monk and the younger monk says, what is the way of Buddha?

道。

The way.

于是老和尚把他扔进了水里。

And so the older monk throws him in the water.

深奥。

Deep.

像什么？

Like what?

他说话的样子，就好像他是

Like he he talks it like like he's

完全是两个人。

two totally different dudes.

他说话的样子，一会儿像那位神秘的史泰龙，一会儿又像那个该死的、在路易斯安那当警察的史泰龙。

He talks like the Steven Seagal who's like the mystical man and the Steven Seagal who is this fucking strange cop in Louisiana.

他有时用南方口音，有时用，偶尔又会放下南方口音，直接切换成地道的黑人口音，就像他在街头一样。

He has a a southern accent that he uses part of the time, part of the time, and then occasionally he drops the southern accent and he goes with a full on black accent like where he's in the hood.

但史蒂文·西格尔是个真正的警察，真的。

But Steven Seagal is a fucking cop, like, real.

他穿上防弹衣，坐上

Like, he puts on a bulletproof vest, he gets in

他的车，然后去打击犯罪。

his fucking car, and they go fight crime.

谁会让他这么做？

And it's like, who is letting him do this?

谁会允许，这有多疯狂啊

Who like, how crazy is it that

你只需要拍几部电影就行了吗？

all you have to have is a couple fucking movies?

你看过他的网站吗？

Have you seen his website?

哦，太天才了。

Oh, it's genius.

是的。

Yeah.

太棒了。

It's awesome.

是 stevensegal.com 吗？

Is it stevensegal.com?

我想是的。

I think so.

你看过吉姆吗？你看过吉姆·凯瑞的网站吗？

Have you seen Jim have you seen Jim Carrey's website?

是的。

Yeah.

吉姆·凯瑞拥有全世界最棒的网站。

Jim Carrey has the most amazing website in the whole entire world.

挺酷的。

It's pretty cool.

我从未见过比这更好的网站。

I've never seen a better website.

是的。

Yeah.

它非常非常独特。

It's very very unique.

但是

But

当我看到这样的网站时，我真希望自己还能整天嗑迷幻蘑菇，那样我就能整天泡在他的网站上了。

When I see websites like that, I wish I still tripped on shrooms all the time because I was just sitting at his website all day.

对。

Yeah.

真的假的。

No shit.

超越心灵之眼。

Beyond the mind's eye.

是的。

Yeah.

《Sikal秀》真是他妈的，天哪，这什么玩意？

The Sikal show is fucking Oh, what the fuck?

我被攻击了。

I've been attacked.

被攻击了。

Attacked.

我身后这个标志，是我主持《Man Show》时的一个争议点。

This behind me, this sign is a point of controversy from the man show when I hosted it.

是的，我知道这太烂了。

Yeah, I know it's terrible.

听好了，我们当时也觉得这太烂了。

Listen, we thought it was terrible too.

当我们和道格·斯坦霍普一起去录这个节目时，他们骗了我们。

We got we got When we when Doug Stamhope and I went to do that show, they lied to us.

他们告诉我们，你们可以露骨。

They told us, you do nudity.

我们会打马赛克。

We'll blur it out.

你们可以骂人。

You can swear.

我们会用哔声遮掉。

We'll beep it out.

我们希望你们放飞自我。

We want you to go crazy.

我们希望被起诉。

We want to get sued.

这会带来巨大的宣传效应，但当我们开始做的时候，首先，珍妮特·杰克逊露出了乳头，所有人都疯了。

It's going be great publicity and then when we started doing it, first of all, Janet Jackson pulled her nipple out and everybody went crazy.

疯了。

Crazy.

这太离谱了。

It's amazing.

现在都还能感受到那件事的余波呢。

Still feeling the effects from that.

这太离谱了。

It's amazing.

说真的，就因为珍妮·杰克逊的那个露胸事件，电视行业直接倒退了十年。

Like, literally, television got set back a decade because of Janet Jackson's nipple.

最关键的问题是，这一幕居然在晚餐时段播出，当时还有儿童在收看。

And the big thing was that they were showing it during the dinner hour and children were watching.

拜托，不就是露出了一个女性的乳头吗？

Well, isn't like a a woman's nipple?

我们至于疯成这个样子吗？

Are are we that fucking crazy?

她又没把步枪塞在自己下体里啊。

It's not like she had a a rifle up her pussy.

这他妈就是个乳头。

It's a fucking nipple.

你知道吗，婴儿就是靠这个吃奶的。

You know, that's where babies feed.

这真的有那么冒犯吗？

It's it's is it that offensive?

婴儿就是靠这个吃奶的。

That's where babies feed.

是的，老兄。

It is, man.

问题是，当时在晚餐时间播出，有人在这件事发生时确实说对了。

It's it's the first I mean, talking about it during the being during the dinner hour, somebody had a really point when this happened.

比如，他说，这不就是第一顿饭吗？

Like, he said, isn't that like the first meal?

那就是晚餐。

That's like the dinner.

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，那是乳房。

Mean, it's breasts.

是的。

Yeah.

你从小就能看到这些。

You see that when you since you're a kid.

嗯，你知道吗？

Well, ever you know what?

尤其是我有了自己的孩子之后。

Especially having kids of my own.

现在，当我看到罗根太太用她的乳房挤奶时，我觉得那对乳房对我来说已经毫无吸引力了。

Now, when I see missus Rogan make fucking milk with her tits and I'm like Dead to see the the tits are dead to me.

我不再吸吮它们了。

I don't suck on them anymore.

但更重要的是，你看着它们，会想到那就是食物的来源。

But what's more important is that you look at them and you say that's like those are that's that's like where food comes from.

就像，这并不冒犯。

Like, it's not offensive.

但不管怎样，我们身后这个东西让我兴奋了。

But anyway, this thing behind us make me hard.

这是我们做节目时有多蠢的体现。

This is how stupid they were when we're doing the show.

当时有个争论，我们想出了一个叫《让你让我兴奋》的综艺游戏，规则是：一个男人被绑在椅子上，他的阴茎上连着一个装置，盒子上的灯亮起时，就表示他有勃起了。于是我们安排了一些小矮人吃香蕉，然后说‘他硬了’。

There was an argument and we hit, we came up with a game show called Make You Make Me Hard and what it was is the guy would be strapped into a chair and he would have this on his dick and with a a light would go off on the box and you know, the light would indicate that he has a boner and so we'd have like midgets eating bananas and and oh, he's getting hard.

你知道，这有点俗气，但我们真正这么做的原因是，其中一个笑点是我们请了一个非常性感的女生，她爬到他身上。

You know, it's we it was kind of corny but what what we really, the reason why we did it is one of the gags was we had this really hot chick and she climbs all over him.

观众都疯了。

The audience is going crazy.

就在这一切高潮时，这个非常性感的女生最后把乳房露了出来。

They're going nuts and this really hot chick at the end of this, she pulls her tits out.

他正在吸她的乳房，上面还有鲜奶油，全套都来了，然后她脱下内裤，竟然长着一根阴茎，观众都疯了。

He's sucking on her tits, whipped cream, the whole deal and then she pulls her panties off and she's got a dick and the audience goes crazy.

她是个跨性别者，我的意思是，我从未听过比这更大的失望浪潮——当这个跨性别者掏出那根阴茎时，她还在服用各种荷尔蒙。

She was a tranny and I mean, I've never heard a bigger wave of disappointment than when this this tranny pulls out this dick and she was taking all kinds of hormones.

那根阴茎就像被毒害过一样。

It was like a dick that had been poisoned.

它看起来像死了一样。

It looked like dead.

它黑乎乎的。

It was like like dark.

它又黑又干瘪，像是被烧焦了，像是被化学物质灼伤过。

It was dark and shriveled up like it burned, like chemically burned.

就像一根小小的、死去的猴子阴茎。

Like it was like a little little dead monkey dick.

你闻起来像什么？

What do you smell like?

我……我不知道。

I I don't know.

然后她把它掏出来，开始甩来甩去，观众们简直疯了。

And she pulled it out and she starts like swinging it around and the fucking audience went crazy.

而坐在椅子上的那个家伙脸上露出了心碎的表情。

And the guy sitting in the chair just had this look in his face of heart.

嗯，他们全都批准了。

Well, they approved all that.

但他们不批准的是这个节目的名字——《让我硬起来》。

But what they wouldn't approve is the the name of the show, Make Me Hard.

他们说我们有个节目名字叫《让我硬起来》。

They said that we had a name to show Make Me Stiff.

就像，这就像是一场争论。

Like, this is like an argument.

就像，说真的，就像，这确实有区别。

Like, for real, like, there's a difference.

意思就是这俩词明明是一个意思啊。

Like, they they're they mean the same thing.

但“让我硬起来”这个说法听着就是没那么好笑。

Just make me stiff doesn't sound doesn't sound quite as funny.

其实真的无所谓啦。

Really doesn't matter.

我就说，这能有啥区别啊？

I mean, what's difference?

但关键在于，他们居然愿意为这种事争论不休。

But the point was that they were willing to argue this.

那对他们来说可是件了不得的大事。

That was a big deal for them.

这件事就能让你明白这些节目是怎么运作的。

And that shows you how these shows work.

哪怕是最顶尖的节目里的脱口秀演员，比方说戴夫·查普尔，或是你知道的凯特·威廉姆斯，或是任何你喜欢的优秀喜剧演员。

The best shows like like stand up comedians, like if you take a guy like Dave Chappelle or, you know, Cat Williams or anybody, any good comic that you like.

他们自己写所有的东西。

They write all their own shit.

他们自己写。

They write it.

他们自己表演。

They perform.

他们说的是自己觉得好笑的内容。

They're saying shit that they think is funny.

他们就是制作人。

They are the producer.

他们就是表演者。

They are the performer.

他们包揽了一切。

They're the whole ball of wax.

他们就是编剧。

They're the writer.

他们就是一切。

They're everything.

这就是为什么你能得到一个纯粹的作品，因为这完全来自这个人的想法。

And that's why you get a pure product because you get a product that's from this dude's mind.

当你开始参与电视节目制作时，那些为电视台工作的人——总得有人为电视台工作，你可能会以为金字塔顶端的人是最合适的人选，但事实并非如此。

Well, what happens is when you like start working on a television show, these people that are working for the network, somebody has to work for the network and you would assume that the people at the very top of the food chain are the perfect people for the job but that's not true.

他们只是恰好得到了这份工作，而很多人还自以为懂得什么是好东西。

They're just people that somehow know they got that job and a lot of em, they like to think that they know what's good.

他们自以为有眼光，总想在作品上打上自己的烙印。

They like to think they have an eye for and they always want to put their footprint on it.

他们想在作品上留下自己的痕迹。

They want to put their handprint on it.

他们总想改动一些东西，比如我觉得背景应该是蓝色的。

They want to change something and anything that either we I think the background should be blue.

我们却要用红色背景，他们会发疯，为这种事争得不可开交。

We're to ruin the whole show with this red background and they'll go crazy and they'll fight over this.

为什么呢？

Why?

因为他们想要成为那个拍板的人，说“换成蓝色背景的决定是我做的”。

Because they want to be the one to say, well, it was me that decided for the blue background.

要是没采用那个蓝色背景，这节目就完蛋了——他们还会这么臆想，就连他们的妻子也会附和他们，一群人就这样沆瀣一气。

If they didn't go with that blue background, the show was Am I And then the wife will agree with them and they all get pulled up together.

这就是他们为之争论不休的事儿。

That this is what they argued over.

非得逼我来硬的才行。

Make me hard.

所以啊，我就必须留着这块原来的牌子，毕竟它已经没什么用了——我们当时不得不换掉这个牌子，就为了把我弄得刻板僵硬。

So, this is the I I got to keep this sign because it was useless because we had to change the sign to make me stiff.

就好像当众掏出生殖器都没关系似的。

Like, it's okay to pull out your dick.

把一个男人绑在椅子上，让他以为有个女人会骑在他身上，结果这个女人掏出来一根皱巴巴的、黑乎乎的生殖器，这种离谱的场景都行。

It's okay to have a guy strapped to a chair thinking a chick is on top of him and this chick pulls out this wrinkled poison black dick.

这没关系。

That's okay.

但你不能说它硬。

But you can't call it hard.

你得说它僵硬。

You have to call it stiff.

真的蠢到极点了。

It's really that dumb.

听起来我好像在夸大其词，但这就是戴夫·查普尔离开《查普尔秀》的原因。

It seems like I would be exaggerating but that's why Dave Chappelle walked away from the Chappelle show.

就是因为作为喜剧演员，却要别人告诉你什么好、什么不好。

It's just because having when you're a comic, having somebody else tell you what's good and what's bad.

比如我们在《男人秀》里做过一件事，我们想请乔伊·迪亚兹。

Like, there was one of the things we did in the the the man show where we wanted Joey Diaz.

如果你不知道乔伊·迪亚兹是谁，他的推特是Mad Flavor，一个词，账号是Mad Flavor。

If you don't know who Joey Diaz is, his Twitter is Mad Flavor, one word, at Mad Flavor.

乔伊·迪亚兹是我这辈子见过的最搞笑的人之一。

And Joey Diaz is one of the funniest dudes I've ever met in my life.

他真的是有史以来最搞笑的人之一。

Is he he's like one of the funniest human beings to ever live.

乔伊当时体重差不多有三百五十磅。

And Joey weighs like three fifty pounds.

他现在减到了三百磅。

He's down to three hundred.

但那时候他差不多有三百五十磅。

But back then he was like three fifty.

他总是光着身子。

And he would always get naked.

我们经常光着身子。

We get naked all the time.

他上台时，他的睾丸看起来就像老太太丝袜里塞着的葡萄柚。

Get naked stage and his balls literally look like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose.

我说那玩意儿简直离谱得要命，他也从来不剃，但他身上居然没毛。

I mean, they're fucking ridiculous and he doesn't shave them but they have no hair on him.

你想啊，他胳膊上没毛，胸上也没毛，还那么胖，我们本来想让他在每场演出开场时介绍我们出场。

Like, he has no hair on his arms, no hair on his chest, and he's fat as and we wanted to have him introduce us at the beginning of every show.

结果他踹开一扇门冲出来喊着‘咱们赶紧把这派对搞起来’，那俩蛋还晃来晃去的。

He kicks open this door and comes out yelling, let's get this party started and his balls are jingling.

笑死人了。

It's hilarious.

首先，这段内容特别好笑，因为乔伊本身就是个很有笑点的人。

First of all, it's hilarious because Joey's hilarious.

道格·斯坦霍普说过，乔伊·迪亚兹哪怕是念电话簿，都能比深夜电视里大多数你能看到的节目都好笑，这话完全没错——但当时那帮人根本没什么笑点，不管说什么都没法让人发笑。

No matter what, he could read Doug Stanhope said, Joey Diaz could read the phone book and it'd be funnier than most of the you see on late night TV and that's totally true but they were like, not funny.

这有什么好笑的？

What's funny about this?

这一点都不好笑。

This is not funny.

没人会笑的。

No one's going to laugh.

那就像一场大争论，我说：听着，我们做两个开场吧。

It was like a big argument and I said, listen, let's do two openings.

我们做一个常规开场，然后再做一个乔伊的开场。

We'll do one regular opening and then we'll do one opening with Joey.

我们做了乔伊的开场，观众简直疯了。

Well, we did the opening with Joey and they went fucking crazy.

当然了。

Of course.

每个人都尖叫、大笑、喊叫，气氛一下子就点燃了。

Everybody was screaming and laughing and yelling and it set the tone.

就是我们想要的那种氛围。

The tone that we wanted to have.

就像说，我们只是想玩得开心而已。

Like, this is we're just trying to have fun.

我们不是，你懂的，我们不是非要蹭什么热点，就只是想做些能让大家喜欢的内容。

We're not, you know, we're not trying to be relevant or we're we're just trying to have something that people enjoy.

就是要开心玩一场。

Let's have fun.

要他妈痛痛快快地嗨一场。

Let's have a fucking good time.

但要是身边有那种完全没幽默感的人，你想好好享受这乐趣都几乎不可能，你懂吧。

But it was almost impossible to try to have that good time when you have, you know, other people like that aren't necessarily funny at all.

而且他们还得对这场喜剧秀里该放什么内容指手画脚。

And they're like putting their input into what's what should be in this comedy show.

所以道格和我可惨了。

So Doug and I got fucked.

但最重要的是我们过程很开心，也完成了这件事。

But the the most important thing is that we had a good time and we came.

我们本来就是好朋友，但一起做完这件事之后，我们的关系变得更铁了。

Well, we were always good friends, but we became great friends doing that.

好吧。

Alright.

还有呢？

What else?

这儿怎么了？

What's going on here?

雪花。

The snowflakes.

什么？

What?

你不喜欢雪花？

You don't like the snowflakes?

它们拖慢了视频流。

They're dragging the video stream down.

哦，你知道吗？

Oh, you know what?

你可能是对的，伙计。

You might be right, dude.

给。

Here.

我正在拍一张照片。

I'm taking a picture of it.

这些雪花可能在坑我们。

The snowflakes might be fucking us.

更多

More

雪花。

snowflakes.

这样好多了，大家觉得呢？

Is that better, everybody?

哦，我肯定

Oh, I'm sure

这样好多了。

it's better.

我的网速太慢了。

My my internet's gay.

你得升级一下了。

You need to upgrade that.

我真不敢相信你还没这么做。

I can't believe you have you haven't done that.

我住在这里。

I live.

以前可是顶尖水平。

Used to be on top of the game.

我就住在这儿，我知道。

I live in a I know.

他以前在互联网还是28k、56k时代的时候，网速是最快的。

You he used he used to have the fastest internet back when internet was, you know, 28 k, 56 k.

他以前有。

He used to have.

嗯，那时候没有。

Well, back when the no.

我先申请了ISDN，然后在我家安装了T1线路。

I asked the ISDN first then I got a T one line installed in my house.

T1。

T one.

那就像我用56K拨号的时候。

That's like where I'm 56 ks mode.

这是用于企业线路的。

This is for business lines.

我的意思是，当时只有企业才有，而我住在洛杉矶郊区，我们这里花了很多年才用上DSL。

I mean, they only had it at businesses and I live way the outside of LA and there's a it's a it took a long time for us to get like DSL and out here.

我根本没法安装有线网络。

Like, I couldn't get cable.

我以前得用卫星电视。

I used to have to get satellite direct TV.

所以，当时唯一真正快的东西就是所谓的T1线路，但每月要一千美元。

So so they they the only thing they had that was really fast is this thing called the T one line but it was a thousand bucks a month.

哦，只是长大了。

Oh, just grew up.

当我还在听新闻广播的时候。

Back when I was on news radio.

我当时觉得自己突然暴富了。

I was like, I was totally new rich.

你知道，我就想，好吧。

You know, I was like, okay.

啪。

Bam.

啪。

Bam.

啪。

Bam.

所以当这件事发生时，我就想，好吧，就这么干吧。

So, when that happened, was like, okay, let's do it.

一个月一千美元。

Thousand bucks a month.

拜托。

Come on.

我们来吧

Let's do

于是我就在家里安装了这个超快的互联网专线，但现在我用的是这种慢得要死的DSL。

it and so I got this crazy, super fast internet pipe installed in my house but now, I got this gay DSL.

这根本不够强。

This is not very powerful.

我得升级了。

I need to upgrade.

我要搞点AT&T U-verse的网络服务。

I'm going to get some of that AT and T U verse loving.

我们这儿还有啥？

What else we got here?

好多了。

Much better.

真的有这么好吗？

Is that much better?

谢谢。

Thank you.

不错。

Good.

太棒了。

Awesome.

是的，因为一旦你有了这个，那就是我让你买WiFi的原因。

Yeah, because once you get that, then, that's why I asked you to get a WiFi.

检查一下背景那个家伙有没有脉搏。

Check the dude in the background for a pulse.

哇。

Wow.

他可能是吸血鬼。

He might be a vampire.

雅各布队。

Team Jacob.

美国到底怎么了？

What the fuck is going on with America?

我们这儿有不搞暧昧的摇滚明星。

We have rock stars that don't fuck.

明白吗？

Alright?

乔纳斯兄弟。

The Jonas Brothers.

我们有吸血鬼，却从不咬人。

We got vampires that don't bite anybody.

我们有流行歌手，睡不着觉，所以每天晚上都得被注射镇静剂。

We we have pop stars that can't go to sleep so they they they get literally sedated every night.

我们有高尔夫球手被人坑了。

We have golfers getting fucked.

我们有美国人在疯狂闹腾，因为一个丑陋的富翁搞到了很多女人。

We got America that's freaking out because an ugly rich guy is getting a lot of pussy.

他背叛了妻子。

He's cheating on his wife.

他背叛了妻子。

He's cheating on his wife.

他是个黑人运动员。

He's a black athlete.

这真的有那么了不起吗？

Like, is that really a big shot?

这事太离谱了。

It's ugly.

离谱的是，像他这样的人，只需要在某件事上做得出色，积累一堆身家，就能随便和这么多女人纠缠不清。

It's amazing that a guy like that, all he has to do is be good at something and acquire a bunch of numbers, and he could fuck all these girls.

更何况他甚至都没给这些女人钱。

Like, he's not even paying these girls.

这简直难以置信，有个女人还找他要钱，结果他直接说：我帮不了你。

It's incredible because one of the girls was, like, asking for money and he's like, I can't help you.

搞什么啊，他甚至都没给她们钱。

Like, he's not even paying them.

说白了就是，就这么个亿万富翁，跟那些酒吧女招待乱搞，人家都还在为账单发愁呢，他居然连一分钱都不肯掏。

So he's just, like, billionaire dude and he's banging these cocktail waitresses and they're struggling with their bills and he won't even fork over any cash.

这事儿能有多难

Like, how hard would it

让泰格·伍兹直接塞给她10块钱都做不到？

be for Tiger Woods to just slip her $10?

你说，这有什么大不了的？

You know, what's the big deal?

她都愿意跟你了。

She she lets you her.

话说你家里难道没镜子吗？

Like, you have a mirror in your house?

你这明明也占到好处了啊，伙计。

Like, you're getting something out this, man.

你就能睡她了。

You get to fuck her.

而他想要的就只是睡她。

And all he wanted was just give him dick.

也就是说，你就只得到这点好处。

Like, that's all you get.

你就只睡到她了。

You get dick.

你一分钱都捞不到。

You don't get no money.

话说回来，我得说那家伙管控手下的手段真的很硬。

And on one hand, I gotta say the dude had a very strong pimp hand.

你懂吧？

You know?

我还挺佩服这一点的。

The I I kinda respect respect that.

就是这样。

That.

但但从另另一方面来说，我觉得说不定你该给她一些钱。

But But on on the the other hand, I would feel like maybe she'd give her some money.

要是你真的对她好，还把她该拿的钱给了她，她也不至于会写本破书把所有事都抖出来，她那什么——

Maybe she wouldn't be making a fucking tell all book if you were, like, really nice to her and she gave you gave her the money that she

需要的钱。

needed.

是的。

Yeah.

老虎很帅。

Tiger is handsome.

这是同性恋男子说的。

So says gay man.

综合起来。

Synthesis.

老虎很帅？

Tiger's handsome?

好吧。

Okay.

你知道吗？

You know what?

他也不难看。

He's not ugly.

但他不像，他不是雅各布。

But he's not like, he's not Jacob.

看起来有点像虫子。

Looks kind of like a bug.

他不是一个英俊的男人。

He's not a handsome man.

他长得不太好看。

He's unfortunate looking.

你懂的？

You know?

我的意思是，他身材非常好。

I mean, he's very well built.

他非常有运动天赋。

He's very athletic.

他显然非常有上进心。

He's obviously very driven.

他有很多吸引人的特质，非常成功。

He's got a lot of attractive qualities, uber successful.

但你不能说他就是那种，你知道的，谁才是典型的？

But you can't say that he's you know, I mean, like, who's classic?

你不喜欢你的 guys？你不喜欢你那些黑人 guys？

You don't like your guys you don't like your guys black?

当然喜欢。

Sure, I do.

如果是像泰雷塞那个演员，那是个非常英俊的男人。

If it was like that Tyrese dude, that actor dude, that's a very handsome man.

那是个帅得不行的家伙。

That's a handsome motherfucker.

如果你发现他全国各地跟16个女孩约会，你会说，就这？

If you found out that he was banging 16 chicks across the country, he'd be like, that's it?

才16个？

Only 16?

算算看啊，要是每个城镇都能睡上10个女人，那他得干成多少事。

Figure figure you have fucking 10 in each town and he was plowing.

那男的可太猛了。

That guy's a stud.

但泰格就不是那样的，你懂吧？

You know, but Tiger doesn't look like that.

泰格长得不像男模那样。

Tiger doesn't look like a male model.

他看起来是不同种族不太搭的混合长相。

He looks like an an unfortunate mix of ethnicities.

宝贝，你懂的，就这样吧。

Babe, you know, whatever.

就这样吧。

Whatever.

嘿，听着。

Hey, look.

我就是那个家伙

I'm that dude

来自《Crawl》。

from Crawl.

Redban，请离开。

Redban out, please.

看。

Look.

我就是来自《Crawl》的那个人。

I'm that dude from Crawl.

这太刻薄了。

That's mean.

你知道电影《Crawl》吗？

You know the movie Crawl?

那个独眼巨人。

The Cyclops.