6 Ways to Use My “Let Them” Theory to Improve Any Relationship

你得从你婆婆那里抽离出来。

You got to unhook from your mother-in-law.

你现在是个艺术家、小说家，在观察生活中的故事，并讲述这些故事。

You are now an artist and a novelist who is observing the stories of life and telling stories.

在她和你的这种互动中，当你开始运用“随他们去”理论时，如果你能创造一个空间，让她可以有她的反应，你也可以有你的反应，而且两者都是真实的。

And there is something inside this dynamic with her that when you start to use the Let Them theory, if you create the space where she can have her reaction and you can have yours and both are true.

那么你就有了这个空间，去执行“随他们去”理论中最强大的部分。

Then you have this space to then do the most powerful part of the Let Them theory.

你需要让她知道什么？

What do you need to let her know?

你需要让她知道她伤了你的感情吗？

Do you need to let her know that it hurt your feelings?

你需要让她知道你希望得到她对你所做的事情的支持吗？

Do you need to let her know that you would love to feel supported in what you're doing?

你需要让她知道你的界限吗？

Do you need to let her know your boundaries?

或者你只是需要意识到，真正困扰你的是她一直以来都不支持你，或者你们之间一直很紧张。

Or do you need to just realize that the thing that's actually bothering you is that she hasn't been supportive period or that it's been tense period.

这可能会挖掘出更深层的东西。

It might kind of excavate something deeper.

对。

Right.

你觉得是什么？

What do you think it is?

可能更深层吧，因为我觉得我们真的没有——我是说，已经二十年了

It might be deeper because I don't really feel like we've gotten, I mean, it's been twenty years

而且我也不觉得

and I don't

我们真的彼此很了解。

think we've really gotten to know each other very well.

我们只是偶尔待在一起而已。

We just kinda spend time around each other.

哦，很多人都有同感。

Oh, a lot of us can relate to that.

就是相处时间。

Spending time.

你配偶有没有做什么或者没做什么，能帮你改善这个情况？还是说这就是那种情况，你得让她做自己，她没能力换种方式表现，你得自己接受这一点？

Is there something that your spouse is doing or not doing that would help with the situation or is this just one of those situations where you need to let her be her and she doesn't have the capacity to show up differently and you need to let I'm yourself

关于我配偶？

about my spouse?

不是。

No.

我说的是你岳母。

I'm talking about your mother-in-law.

我觉得吧，我配偶其实很信奉“随他们去”这套理论，甚至在我们听说之前她就这样了。

I mean I mean, my spouse is very into the Let Them theory even before we heard about it.

她对她父母一直都是这个态度。

And she's always been like that with her parents.

他们就是那样的人，不会变的。

They're they're gonna be the way they are.

对。

Mhmm.

她就让他们做自己。

And she just lets them be.

是的。

Yeah.

我不是那种喜欢挑事的人，尤其那又不是我亲妈。

And I'm not the type of person that likes to stir up emotions, especially when it's not my my mom.

明白。

Mhmm.

那是我配偶的妈妈，我不想引起任何摩擦。

My spouse's mom and I don't wanna, like, cause any friction.

嗯。

Mhmm.

所以我什么都憋着不说。

So I'm very quiet about everything.

那你是不是没法做自己？

So are you not yourself?

对，我觉得在她面前我没法做自己。

No, I don't think I am myself around her.

所以你在她面前才那么拘谨。

That's why you are just around her.

问题是，要想改变这种关系，你得同时做两件事。

The question is that in order for you to shift the relationship, you have to do two things at once.

第一，你得给婆婆空间，让她有自己的看法，让她生气、让她不爽，然后用“随他们去”的理论，别被她的情绪牵着走。

One is you gotta give your mother-in-law the space to have her opinions and to get her feathers ruffled and to get upset about things and use the Let Them theory to not get hooked into it.

第二，你得允许自己展现出真实的你。

And you must give yourself permission to show up as you.

我觉得这才是你真正纠结的地方。

And I think that's what ultimately is bothering you.

你意识到自己一直在维护这段关系的和平，但这样做却让自己陷入了内心的战争，因为你知道在婆婆面前你并不是真实的自己。

Is that you're realizing that you have been just protecting the peace in this relationship and in doing so you have started this war with yourself because you know you're not yourself around your mother-in-law.

对。

Right.

而这是你可以改变的。

And that's something that you can shift.

这不一定需要你明确表达界限，只需要你稍微换一种方式出现，更多地展现真实的自己。

It doesn't require you to express boundaries necessarily, it just requires you to show up a little bit differently, more of yourself.

而且

And

你也有权利和能力向你的伴侣提出请求，希望在这段关系中得到更好的支持。

you also have within you the right and the ability to make requests of your spouse around the way that you could be supported better in this relationship.

好的。

Okay.

明白吗？

Okay?

这样有帮助吗？

Is that helpful?

非常有帮助。

It's very helpful.

你从这次对话中得到了什么？

What did you get from that conversation?

就是我需要更开放一些，做自己，而不是在可能有点不舒服的场合里沉默，要展现出真实的自己。

That I just need to open up more and be myself and not just quiet myself in situations that might be a little uncomfortable and just show up as me.

对。

Yeah.

然后当我感觉不到支持的时候，就表达出来。

And then when I don't feel supported, express that I don't feel supported.

没错，就是这样。

Exactly, that's it.

然后看他们是否愿意支持你。

And then let them support you or not.

要做的就这些了。

That's all there is to do.

你有责任表达自己的需求，表达自己的感受，做真实的自己，并且做你需要做的事情来为自己创造更好的生活。

You are responsible for expressing your needs, for expressing your feelings, for showing up as yourself, and for doing what you need to do to create a better life for yourself.

这就是你的责任。

That's what you're responsible for.

其他人要负责的是他们的情绪反应、他们的感受、他们的界限，所有这些都是他们的事。

Other people are responsible for their emotional reactions, for their feelings, for their boundaries, for all of that.

你不需要再替他们操心了。

You don't need to manage that anymore.

你只需要专注于做自己。

You just need to focus on being yourself.

我已经等不及要读你的小说了。

And I can't wait to read your novel.

干得好。

Good job.

我爱你，谢谢你。

I love you Thank you.

不客气。

You're welcome.

好了，接下来还有更多关于“随他们去”理论的问题要回答。

All right, we've got more of your questions about the Let Them theory coming up.

我们先稍作休息。

Let's take a quick pause.

来听听我们优秀赞助商的消息。

Let's hear a word from our amazing sponsors.

回来之后，我会继续分享更多内容。

And I got more of this for you when we return.

非常感谢你收听这些优秀赞助商的广告，也感谢你一直在这里陪伴我。

Thank you so much for listening to those amazing sponsors and for being here with me.

我想直接回到你们关于“随他们去”理论的问题上。

I want to jump right back into your questions about the Let Them theory.

好，我们开始吧。

All right, let's go.

是来自纽约的艾琳吗？

Is it Erin from New York City?

是的。

Yes.

你好。

Hi.

你好呀。

Hi there.

你太棒了。

You're so amazing.

我超级喜欢你。

I absolutely adore you.

我也爱你。

I love you too.

非常感谢你每天分享的智慧，而且我很喜欢你跟我们分享‘随他们去’这个理论。

Thank you so much for all of the wisdom you share every day, And I love that you're sharing the Let Them theory with us.

我想问你一个问题，可能有点像是这个理论的镜像面，但你实在太聪明了。

And I'm gonna ask you this question, and and maybe it's a little bit of, like, a mirror side of that, but you're just so brilliant.

我打算直接问了。

I'm gonna go for it.

问吧。

Go for it.

你知道吗？

You know?

随他们去。

Let them.

就让别人做他们自己，你也做你自己。

Let people just sort of be who they're gonna be and you be you.

我小时候在一个充满虐待的环境中长大，确保我妈妈开心是我的责任。

And, I grew up in a really abusive childhood, and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy.

我的责任就是照顾她。

My job to take care of her.

所以现在我已经步入成年晚期了。

So here I am in my late adulthood.

我刚从一场可怕的癌症中幸存下来，获得了新生。

I just survived horrible cancer, and I have a new lease on life.

我在想，如果我也允许自己做自己，我的生活会是什么样子？

And I'm thinking, what would my life look like if I let me?

如果我不再觉得只有照顾别人、凌晨一点接电话、回答他们所有问题、当他们的救火队员，才能得到爱、被珍惜、被重视，那会怎样？

If if I stopped feeling like the only way to get loved or to be loved or to be treasured or be valued is to take care of people, to be on the phone at 01:00 in the morning, to answer all their questions, to be the problem solver.

那么，我该如何让周围的人和我自己都接受这样一个事实：我现在更想专注于自己，把精力回馈给自己？

And, you know, how do I just let people and myself deal with the fact that I'd rather focus on myself right now and and and give back to myself?

听我说。

Listen.

你刚才其实已经悟到了“随他们去”理论的全部精髓。

You just actually got the full secret of the Let Them theory.

“让他们”理论其实不是关于别人的。

The Let Them theory is not about other people.

它是关于你自己的。

It's about you.

它说的是，你把所有的精力、关心、时间和脑力都倾注在了别人身上。

It's about how you have poured all your energy, your concern, your time, your brain power into other people.

当你意识到自己有多频繁地在管理别人的反应、照顾别人的情绪、小心翼翼地避开话题、压抑自己、拼命去帮助别人、保持沉默、不敢提出自己的需求、不想去的时候还硬撑着、出于愧疚去做事。

And when you highlight how often you are managing other people's reactions, managing other people's happiness, tiptoeing around the topics, shrinking yourself, bending yourself over backwards to help other people, staying silent, not asking for what you need, showing up when you don't feel like it, doing things out of guilt.

当你开始用“让他们”理论来审视自己有多频繁地在抗拒现实时。

When you start to use the Let Them theory to highlight how often you are resisting the reality of the situation.

奇妙的事情就发生了。

What happens is miraculous.

你越允许别人不开心，越允许别人从别处寻求支持，越允许别人因为你不给他们买手机、不能送他们去机场、或者解决不了他们所有问题而发脾气，你就越能意识到自己其实有多少时间和精力，可以重新投入到自己身上。

The more that you let someone be unhappy, the more that you let somebody find support in other places, the more you let somebody throw their tantrums because you're not going to buy them a cell phone or you're not able to drive them to the airport or you can't solve all their problems, the more you realize how much time you actually have and how much energy you have that you could be directing back at yourself.

你刚刚发现了“让他们”理论的大秘密。

You just figured out the big secret about the Let Them theory.

“随他们去”理论，就是让你不再依附于他人，不再需要别人对你满意，不再需要别人先开心。

The Let Them theory is when you unhook from other people and the need for other people to be pleased with you, the need for other people to be happy first.

然后你开始想，哦，我可以让他们不高兴，我可以让他们自己想办法，我可以让他们知道我的感受。

And when you start to go, oh, well I could let them be upset, I could let them figure it out, I could let them know how I'm feeling.

但接下来，责任就在我自己了。

But then it's on me.

让我为自己的快乐负责。

Let me be responsible for my happiness.

让我为自己的需求负责。

Let me be responsible for my needs.

让我为自己说“不”负责。

Let me be responsible for saying no.

或者说“我受够了”。

Or saying I'm done.

或者说“这样不行”。

Or saying this doesn't work.

然后呢，这个“随他们去”理论在你妈妈或其他人面前怎么起作用呢？他们现在面对的是全新的你，所以他们会闹情绪。

And then how the Let Them theory will work with your mom or whoever is now getting the actual new you is they're gonna tantrum.

他们习惯了你在身边。

They're used to you being there.

他们会用内疚感来压你。

They're gonna throw the guilt at you.

随他们去，随他们去。

Let them, let them.

这招对你已经不管用了。

It's not gonna work on you anymore.

这招用了好多年了，所以你得做好准备，他们还会用这招来对付你。

It's worked for years and so expect them to throw it at you.

让他们自己去处理自己的情绪吧。

Let them deal with themselves.

我之前也说过，现在再说一遍，这个理论是有例外的。

And I've also said, and I'll say again, that this does have exceptions.

我们不会让朋友喝完酒后去开车。

We don't let our friends just get behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking.

我们也不会放任一个人陷入自杀的念头。

We don't just let somebody sit in suicidal ideation.

我们会扶起他们，带他们去急诊室。

We pick them up and take them to the emergency room.

我们不会任由别人歧视他人或做非常危险的事。

We don't just let people discriminate against others or do something really dangerous.

你提供支持，给出建议，表达你的界限，然后，还是得让他们自己去面对。

You offer support, you make recommendations, you express your boundaries, and then again, you gotta let them again.

所以，你妈妈肯定会闹情绪，因为她一直用情感操控把你变成了她的人形安抚毯，而你现在不再这样做了。

So expect your mom to tantrum because she has, through emotional manipulation, turned you into her human blankie, and you're not doing it anymore.

恭喜你。

Congratulations.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得“让他们去”的另一面，就是你刚才说的那个意思。

I mean the flip side of let them is exactly what you said.

知道什么时候该停下来，挑战在于，如果你不再是那个解决问题的人，那你又是谁呢？

Know to stop the challenge is also you know who are you then if you're not if you're no longer the fixer?

你是谁？

Who are you?

这个问题我肯定得栽跟头，因为我这辈子都在扮演那个解决问题的人。

That's something I'm gonna have to fail with because I've spent my entire life being the fixer.

我来搞定。

I'll fix it.

我会把它弄好。

I'm gonna make it right.

我会帮你。

I'm gonna help you.

我会解决那个问题。

I'm gonna solve that problem.

一想到不这么做，不仅担心别人会怎么反应，更关键的是，那我现在又是谁呢？

And the thought of like not doing that is not only like what other people's reactions will be but then now who am I?

我的价值在哪里？

What's my value?

我的意义是什么？

What's my worth?

修复别人的生活，让你快乐吗？

Is fixing everybody else's life making you happy?

这让我觉得自己很重要，被人需要。

It makes me feel that I matter and that I'm needed.

是的。

Okay.

所以就像我说的，‘让他们’的另一面就是，我不再那样做了。

So like I said, the flip side of letting them, which is, like, I just I don't do that anymore.

我甚至跟我一些有同样男友问题多年的闺蜜说，‘亲爱的，我非常爱你。’

I've even been telling some of my girlfriends who've had the same boyfriend problems for years and years, I love you so much, sweetheart.

我真的不想再聊男朋友的事了。

I'm just not up for the boyfriend conversation anymore.

太好了。

Great.

聊什么都行，就是别再提男朋友的烦恼了。

Anything else, but just no more boyfriend troubles.

抱歉。

I'm sorry.

请去找个心理医生，或者找别的朋友聊吧。

Please get a therapist or find another girlfriend.

我对男朋友的问题已经有点厌倦了。

I'm a little burnt out on the boyfriend problems.

我喜欢这样。

I love that.

开始设立界限了。

Started to set boundaries.

而且，你知道吗，其中两个人说，哦，好吧。

And, you know, two of them have said, oh, okay.

对。

Mhmm.

感觉还挺好的。

And it feels kind of good.

是的。

Mhmm.

比如，如果我不再是那个随叫随到的倾诉对象，他们还会爱我、还会叫我回家吃圣诞晚餐吗？

Like, will they still love me and call me over for Christmas dinner if I'm not the person who's the on call therapist?

嗯，等一下。

Well, hold on a second.

我可能会孤独一阵子。

I might wind up pretty lonely for a while.

等一下。

Hold on a second.

我想让你明白一件事。

Here's the thing I want you to understand.

第一，真正的好朋友是愿意对你说真话的。

That number one, being a really good friend means you're willing to tell your friend the truth.

而最差劲的朋友，就是听着你抱怨，自己心里默默吐槽。

Being a really shitty friend is when you listen to it and then silently complain to yourself about it.

所以你其实帮了他们一个大忙，因为他们身边可能没有别人愿意告诉他们真相——你一直陷在这个循环里出不来。

And so you just did them a huge favor because there's probably nobody else in their life that is willing to tell you the truth, which is you have been stuck in this cycle forever.

而我也一直参与其中，因为我听了你的倾诉，给了建议，表达了担忧，但现在我必须告诉你，我不能再继续这个话题了。

And I have been a part of this cycle because I've listened to it, I've offered advice, I've offered suggestions, I have expressed my concern, and now I have to tell you, I am no longer available for the conversation.

你刚才做的就是说出真相，这是你该做的，然后让他们自己去消化——这是你能给陷入自我毁灭模式的人最好的礼物之一，而他们确实如此。

And what you just did is you told the truth, which is what you're responsible for, and now you're gonna let them sit with it, which is one of the greatest gifts that you could do when somebody is stuck in a pattern that is self destructive, which they are.

如果你因为爱他们、关心他们，也因为爱自己、需要保护自己的平静而说出真相，而他们因此不邀请你参加节日聚餐，那你们本来就不是真正的朋友。

And if telling them the truth because you love them and you're concerned about them and because you also love yourself and need to protect your peace, if telling them the truth is what makes them not invite you to the holiday dinners, then you weren't really friends anyway.

因为真正的朋友不会这么做。

Because that's not what a real friend would do.

当你开始用‘随他们去’的理论跟朋友说实话时，有些友谊会慢慢淡去。

When you start to use the Let Them theory to tell your friend the truth, there will be some friendships start to fade.

但如果你愿意相信这一点，你就是在为那些能与你生活节奏和情感需求更对等的人腾出空间。

But what happens if you're willing to believe in it is that you're creating space for people that can have more reciprocity in terms of how you wanna live your life and what you want to feel to show up.

如果这些朋友已经交往了很久，你可能会发现，那次谈话其实是推动事情改变的催化剂。

And what you may find if these have been friends for a very long time is that that conversation is actually the catalyst that starts to shift something.

就算因此没被邀请去参加节日聚餐，跟改变别人的人生相比，这点代价真的不算什么。

And if it means you don't get invited for holiday dinner, that's a really small price to pay for changing somebody's life.

还有一件事我想告诉你，因为我特别能理解那种‘如果我不帮所有人解决问题，那我又是谁’的感觉。

And the other thing I wanna leave you with, because I really relate to who am I if I am not just fixing everybody's problems.

你完全可以做一个解决问题的人，同时不迷失自己。

It is possible to be a fixer and not lose yourself.

你完全可以成为一个帮助别人的人，同时在这个过程中不失去自我。

It is possible to be somebody that helps everybody else without losing who you are in the process.

你完全可以支持身边的人，关爱他们，陪伴他们，而不必为所有事情承担责任。

And it is possible to support people in your life and be loving and be there for people and not take on responsibility for all of it.

你刚刚发现了全部的秘密，那就是当你意识到你不对别人的幸福负责，也不对别人的界限负责的时候。

You have just discovered the full secret, which is when you realize you're not responsible for other people's happiness, you are not responsible for other people's boundaries.

你不需要去管别人发脾气。

You're not responsible for managing other people's tantrums.

你只需要对自己的真实负责。

You're responsible for your truth.

你只需要对自己的需求负责。

You're responsible for your needs.

你只需要负责表达自己。

You're responsible for expressing yourself.

你只需要告诉别人你的感受。

You're responsible for telling people how you feel.

就这么简单。

That's it.

你只需要负责创造你想要的生活。

You're responsible for creating what you want.

当你开始接受这个责任并付诸行动时，你就能真正帮助别人，因为你是主动选择去做的，而不是出于本能反应，觉得自己必须这么做才能在生活中感到被需要、被重视。

And when you start to accept that responsibility and act accordingly, you will be able to help other people because you're choosing to consciously do it instead of doing it reflexively because you think that's what you need to be doing to feel wanted and needed in life.

我为你感到非常兴奋。

I'm so excited for you.

我为你感到非常兴奋。

I'm so excited for you.

我们连线新泽西的莉兹。

Let's go to Liz in New Jersey.

莉兹，你正在和梅尔·罗宾斯通话。

Liz, you're on with Mel Robbins.

嗨，梅尔。

Hi, Mel.

你好。

Hi.

我今天想问的问题是，我最近，其实就在不久前，遇到了这个问题。

My question for you today is I have dealt with this lately, actually very recently.

我父母因为我父亲赌博陷入了严重的经济危机。

My parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling.

我不得不退居次要位置，不去插手。

And I had to take a back seat to it all.

我只好保持一些距离，大概几个星期。

I had to put some distance, like about a few weeks.

但那几个星期里，我每天都觉得胸口发紧。

But every day in those few weeks, I felt like tightening in my chest.

我感觉自己完全不知道该怎么办。

I felt like I didn't know what to do.

最后，我给他们每人写了一封单独的信，恳求他们去寻求帮助。

So I finally wrote them each a separate letter, begging them to try to get some help.

按下发送键的那一刻，我立刻感觉好多了。

As soon as I hit the send button on that letter, I felt better immediately.

你觉得是为什么？

Why do you think?

我想是因为我说出了心里话。

I guess because I spoke my peace.

我说出了真相。

I spoke my truth.

对，你不需要为你父亲的赌博成瘾负责，也不需要负责把你母亲从里面救出来。

Yeah, you're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it.

他们是成年人，虽然在这种情况下你感觉自己更像家长而不是孩子，虽然你爱他们，心里为他们难受，而且你也知道任何成瘾都只是掩盖更深层的问题——你父亲没处理好的问题，以及你父母在婚姻中没面对的问题——但替他们收拾烂摊子不是你的责任。

They're adults and even though you feel like the parent instead of the child in this situation, and even though you love them and your heart aches for them, and you know that any addiction is just masking a deeper issue that your father hasn't dealt with and that your mom and dad haven't dealt with in your marriage, It's not your responsibility to bail them out.

改变这一切也不是你的责任。

It's not your responsibility to change it.

你的责任不是做什么，而是爱他们，尽你所能陪伴他们，提供支持或建议。

It's not your responsibility to do anything except to love them and to be there however it is that you can be there to offer support or offer, recommendations.

但当我们插手并觉得有责任替别人解围时，我们就剥夺了他们面对自己未解决问题机会。

But when we step in and feel the responsibility for bailing somebody else out, we rob them of the opportunity to face the things they didn't face.

这就是为什么你父亲会有赌博成瘾——因为他有某种创伤或更深层的问题，他通过赌博的刺激来逃避。

That's why your father has a gambling addiction, because he has some sort of trauma or some sort of deeper issue that he is avoiding by the rush of gambling.

而你不插手、不把这件事当成自己的问题去解决，可能恰恰能让你父亲面对他至今无法面对的事情。

And you not running in and making this your problem to solve might just be the thing that has your dad face what he has not been able to face to this point.

所以我真的为你感到骄傲，你给他们写了信，让他们待在自己制造的混乱里，也让自己待在你所感受到的真相里，这让你感觉好多了，我一点也不意外。

And so I'm really proud of you and I'm not surprised that you felt better sending them a letter and letting them be in the mess that they've created and letting you be with the truth that you feel.

而事实是，你会在那里支持他们，对吧？

And the truth is you're there to support them, right?

你会接他们的电话，或者引导他们往正确的方向走，或者帮他们上网查查资料，但你不是去解决这个问题的。

You're gonna be there to pick up the call or to guide them in the right direction or help them with a Google search, but you're not there to fix this.

这是一个非常、非常美妙的区别。

And that's a beautiful, beautiful distinction.

我们连线一下加拿大的Mimi。

Let's go to Mimi in Canada.

Mimi，非常感谢你等了这么久。

Mimi, thank you so much for holding so long.

你好，我是Mimi。

Hi, this is Mimi here.

你好。

Hi.

我开始听你的节目，你说的每一句话，真的改变了我的生活。

I started listening to you, everything that you had to say, and it has really changed my life.

而且，你知道，这个“随他们去”的理论帮了我很多。

And, you know, this Let Them theory has helped me so much.

我之前处于一个非常黑暗的境地。

I was in a very dark place.

那非常难受，但现在我看到对方发现这对我没影响了。

It was very uncomfortable, And but now I see that the other person sees that it's not affecting me.

所以他们每次都会变本加厉，想逼我做出反应。

So they're going, like, up a notch every time to try to get a reaction out of me.

对。

Mhmm.

那么，你要让他们这样多久呢？

So, like, how long do you let them?

如果你和那个人二十四小时住在一起，他们还得利用你的特殊需求孩子来试图操控你，因为他们不想看到你成功。

If you're living with that person twenty four seven and they have to use your, special needs child, try to manipulate you because they don't wanna see you succeed.

对。

Mhmm.

而且，你知道吗，我现在也坚决表态了。

And, you know, now I'll I've also put my foot down.

我当时就说，你知道吗？

I was like, you know what?

我不在乎。

I don't care.

我不会让任何人任何事影响我。

I'm not gonna let anybody anything affect me.

但如果有人二十四小时在你脑子里灌输这些，就像背景噪音一样——是的。

But then if somebody's twenty four seven drilling that to your mind in the background, you know, the background noise Yeah.

那确实会有影响。

It does have an effect.

那我能问你一个问题吗？

So can I ask you a question?

你让那个——

You let that

让我来问你一个问题。

Let me let me ask you a question.

所以这是家人还是配偶，还是谁？

So is this a family member or a spouse, or who is this?

配偶？

Spouse?

算是分居了，但因为我在经济上还没独立，所以还住在同一个房子里。

This has like, separated, but because I'm not yet financially stable, so we're sharing the same house.

好。

K.

但问题就出在这里，虐待就发生在这里。

But that's where the abuse is.

而且，你知道吗，去年我跌到了人生最低谷。

And, you know, last year, I hit my all time low.

我开始重新整理自己的生活，调整身体状态，梳理思绪。

I started getting my life together, my body together, my mind together.

现在，我上周刚创办了自己的事业，我为自己感到非常骄傲，但这却让另一个人感到不自在。

And now I just launched my business last week, and I'm so proud of myself, but that makes the other person uncomfortable.

那当然。

Of course.

你想毁了我吗？

You wanna break me?

咪咪。

Mimi.

因为他们想把我留在身边，继续折磨我。

Because they want to have me and torture me.

咪咪，你还能住到别的地方去吗？

Mimi, where else can you live?

没地方可去，这是我目前仅有的。

Nowhere, this is all I have yet.

我喜欢这个“目前”。

I love the yet.

我喜欢这个“目前”。

I love the yet.

等等。

Wait.

你是说你在加拿大没有朋友？

Are you telling me you have no friends?

你在加拿大没有家人可以一起住吗？

You don't have family in Canada that you can live with?

我不想。

I don't want to.

所以等一下。

So hold on.

等一下。

Hold on.

我刚才问你，你还有谁？

When I said, who else do you have?

你说没有。

You said nothing.

就这些了。

This is it.

所以我得跟你说明白，你现在是选择留在一个有人天天打压你的生活环境里。

And so I need to be very clear with you that you are choosing to stay in a living situation where somebody is beating you down.

而当你回答，我有家人，但我不想住那儿的时候，

And when you answered, I have family, but I don't want to live there.

你得承认这是你自己的选择。

You need to own the choice.

所以，如果你要选择跟那个你正在离婚、天天打压你的人住在同一个屋檐下，那你就得大大方方地承认这个选择。

And so if you're going to own the choice that you're going to live in the same physical household with the person you're divorcing who is beating you down every day, you need to own it loud and proud.

你得开始对自己说，我可以去和父母住，但我不想去，也不会去。

You need to start saying, I could go live with my parents, but I don't want to and I'm not going to.

而且我知道，我一进门，那个混蛋就会对我说很难听的话，因为他自己受伤了，又不够成熟，不知道还能怎么做。

And I know when I walk in that door, that jerk is going to say something really mean to me because he's hurt and he's immature and he doesn't know how else to do it.

我就让他说，我不理他就行了。

And I'm just going to let him say it and I'm going to ignore him.

然后我回自己房间，把门关上。

And I'm going to go into my room and I'm going to shut the door.

可能过一会儿他会开始大喊大叫，我也随他去。

And at some point he might start yelling and I'm going to let him.

但你要明白，这真的很不正常。

But I need you to understand that that's screwed up.

你选择留在一个天天被人打压的环境里。

That you are staying in a situation where you're with somebody who is beating you down.

我更希望你和你的特殊需求孩子搬出去，住到你家人那里，去过一种不用每天面对这种现实的生活。

I would rather see you and your special needs child move out, move in with your family, get into a situation where that is not your day to day reality.

因为事实是，你们还在同一个公寓里办离婚，如果他已经开始闹了，情况只会越来越糟。

Because the fact is while you're in the same apartment going through a divorce, if he has already started acting out, it's just gonna escalate.

这不会好转的。

This doesn't get better.

所以拜托，我希望你考虑一下，还有其他选择，你搬出去会改变整个局面。

And so please, I want you to consider that there are other options and you moving out changes the dynamic.

好的。

Okay.

你觉得呢？

What do you think?

我一直在等自己经济稳定下来，因为家人接受一个有特殊需求的孩子——我知道有个支持你的家庭听起来很好，但别人能帮的也有限，你不想成为他们的负担。

I was just waiting till I'm financially stable because family accepting a special needs child, I know it sounds good to have a supporting family but there's only so much others can do and you don't want to be a burden on them.

所以我每天都在拼命工作。

That's why I'm like every day working

等等，你不是负担。

Hold on, you're not a burden.

如果你跟家人说，我能回家住六个月吗，我想攒点钱然后自己找个地方住，这并不代表你是个负担。

You are not a burden if you go to your family and say, can I move home for six months while I save some money and get my own place?

这不是你在给别人添麻烦。

That's not you being a burden.

这只是一个成年人在需要帮助的时候，向别人寻求帮助而已。

That is you as an adult asking for help in a situation where you need help.

他们要么答应，要么不答应。

And they're either going to say yes or no.

但即使只是开口问，你也是在告诉自己：我不是被困在这里的。

But even so in asking, you are signaling to yourself, I'm not stuck here.

我可以为自己创造其他的选择。

I can create other options for myself.

说不定你附近就有一个同样带着特殊需求孩子、正在办离婚的女人，也在找室友呢。

Heck, there might even be another woman that lives near you that's looking for a roommate that has a special needs son that's trying to get a divorce.

你不问，就永远不知道。

You don't know because you're not asking.

所以我希望你继续运用‘随他们去’的理论，不要被你的前夫牵着鼻子走，他肯定会变本加厉，因为他过去一直用这种方式控制你。

And so I want you to continue to use the Let Them theory to not get hooked by your ex who is gonna continue to escalate because that's how he has always controlled you in the past.

他再也控制不了你了，所以他只会越来越恼火。

He can't control you anymore, which means he's getting more pissed off.

这正是你应该预料到的。

That's exactly what you should expect.

现在，让我——

And now let me.

意思是让我在这里找另一个选择。

Meaning let me find another option here.

让我动动脑子，把自己从这个愚蠢的处境里解脱出来。

Let me use my brain and get myself out of this stupid situation.

让我先找个稍微好点的临时住处，等我自己站稳脚跟。

Let me find a temporary living situation that's a little bit better while I get on my feet.

让我开口求助。

Let me ask for help.

让我开始解决问题吧。

Let me start problem solving.

让我负起责任，把自己和我的特殊需求儿子带到更好的地方，别再告诉自己那个‘不可能’的故事了。

Let me take responsibility for putting myself and my special needs son in a better place and stop telling yourself the story that it can't happen.

我真的很相信你。

I so believe in you.

我为你感到骄傲，因为你过去一年里做了那么多事，把自己从那个黑暗的地方拉出来，重新振作起来，还把这个事业做起来了。

I'm proud of you based on everything that you have done in the last year to pull yourself out of that dark place and get yourself moving again and get this business launched.

我毫不怀疑，你内心有能力让这一切变得更好，而且你一定会做到的。

There is no doubt in my mind you have within you the ability to make this better too, and you will.

好了，Eva，欢迎你。

All right, Eva, welcome.

你现在在Mel Robbins的播客里。

You're on the Mel Robbins podcast.

嗨，Mel。

Hi, Mel.

能跟你聊天我真的很激动。

I'm just excited to talk to you.

所以我想知道你能不能给我一些建议，怎么让我丈夫也接受这个理论。

So I wanna know if you can give me tips or advice on how I can get my husband on board with The Theory.

我觉得这能帮他不再纠结别人做了什么或者别人到底怎么想。

I think it would help him, not have hang ups about what other people do or really think.

我觉得他有时候想太多了，比如别人不请他吃午饭，或者同事、家人不叫他。

I think sometimes he overthinks like, people don't invite me to lunch or, you know, my coworkers or family.

你知道，他总觉得自己被排挤。

You know, he's so excluded.

我在想办法让他参与进来，或者让他自己也能接受这个理论。

I'm trying to figure out how to get him involved or adopt this theory for himself.

对，这个问题问得好，因为你用丈夫举的例子，我们都能感同身受。

Yeah, it's a great question because the example that you used with your husband is one we can all relate to.

看到别人出去玩，自己没被邀请，然后就开始胡思乱想，越来越难受，因为你开始告诉自己没人喜欢我，一定是我做错了什么，那些人真讨厌。

You see other people going out, you're not invited, and then you start to spiral and become more painful because you start to tell yourself nobody likes me and I must have done something wrong and these people are jerks.

所以它就这样越积越多，越积越多。

So it just builds and builds and builds.

关键在于，“随他们去”理论之所以有效，是因为人际关系中的一个基本事实。

And the thing is that the Let Them theory works because of a fundamental fact about relationships.

这个基本事实就是，你无法强迫任何人改变或做任何事。

That fundamental fact is you can't force anyone else to change or to do something.

你可以试试看。

You can try.

你可以用操控、施压、恳求、试图激励等方式去尝试，但归根结底，一个人做某件事，只是因为自己想这么做。

You can try with manipulation, with pushing, with pleading, with trying to be inspiring, but at the end of the day somebody only does something because they want to do something.

再多跟我说说，你为什么担心你丈夫？他因为总关注别人的是非或他们在做什么，给自己带来了压力或痛苦，具体是怎样的？

Tell me more about why you're worried about your husband and the stress or the pain he's causing himself by being focused on other people's drama or what they're doing.

我只是觉得他有时候——我就是觉得他想太多了。我跟他说，我觉得你比他们想得还多，你琢磨他们的时间，比他们琢磨你、或者琢磨为什么你没被邀请的时间还要多。

I just feel like he over sometimes I just feel like he's overthinking it and I tell him like I think you're thinking about it more than what they're like you're thinking about them more than they are thinking about you or why they don't why you're not included.

嗯，再多跟我说说，关于——

Well, well, tell me more though about,

对话。

conversation.

就是

Like

这确实是个问题，所以这激发了他的不安全感。

It's a con so he so it's stirring up his insecurity.

没错。

Exactly.

我听着，也愿意听，但我觉得我们根本没做出任何改变。

I listen and I'm okay with listening, but I just feel like we're not doing any different, anything different.

好像总是老样子，不管是同事还是家人，都是同样的模式。

Like it's always the same thing or pattern with either colleagues or family members.

我注意到，主题总是这样，那种对话总是出现。

That's always, I've noticed that the theme has been like that conversation comes up.

这其实很常见，因为无论你面对的是丈夫，他因为家人、同事或朋友的事而焦虑不安；还是孩子，他在学校感到被冷落；又或者是朋友，他刚被分手，觉得一切都完了——你给自己讲的故事，往往比实际发生的事情痛苦得多。

Well, is very relatable because whether you're dealing with a husband who gets himself all worked up about what family's doing or work colleagues are doing or friends are doing, or you're dealing with a child who feels left out at school, or you're dealing with a friend who feels like somebody just broke up with them and it's never gonna work out for them, The stories that you tell yourself are way more painful than the actual thing that's happening.

这里危险的地方在于，你正在亲眼目睹，你丈夫陷入了那种别人总把他排除在外的思维模式。

And the danger here, and you're witnessing it happening, is your husband is now stuck in this pattern that people leave him out.

他陷在这种模式里，只看到自己不被接纳的地方。

And he's stuck in this pattern of seeing all the places where he doesn't belong.

这些模式之所以让人痛苦，部分原因是你陷在里面，却没意识到自己其实有能力改变这种局面。

And part of the reason why these patterns are so painful is you get stuck in the pattern and you don't realize you actually have the power to change this dynamic.

你之前说的也没错，他比那些出去吃午饭的人想得更多，因为你知道吗？

And what you said earlier is also true, that he's thinking about it more than the people who are out to lunch because you know what?

那些人压根儿就没在想他，因为他们没邀请他吃午饭。

They're not thinking about him at all because they didn't invite him to lunch.

所以你丈夫把时间浪费在反复琢磨那些他没被邀请的场合，或者他兄弟姐妹聚会却没叫他之类的事情上，只会让自己内心焦躁不安。

And so the fact that your husband is wasting time and causing himself pain by constantly focusing on all the places where he hasn't been invited or the fact that his siblings are getting together and they didn't ask him and all this stuff, it just creates internal agita.

下面说说怎么让别人考虑一下别的事情。

Here's how you get someone else to consider something.

因为你没法强迫他。

Because you can't force him.

你总不能把他绑在床上，戴上耳机，逼他听梅尔·罗宾斯的节目吧，那行不通的。

You can't tie him down to the bed and put earphones on him and force him to listen to Mel Robbins so it's not going to work.

你可以对他说，我挺担心你的。

You could say to him, I'm concerned about you.

我担心你，是因为我发现你总是盯着那些没邀请你、没看见你、不尊重你的人和地方。

I'm concerned about you because I'm seeing this pattern where you're focused on all of the people and the places where you're not invited or you're not seen or you're not respected.

这已经成了一种模式。

And it's becoming a pattern.

我不希望你这样。

And I don't want this for you.

你是个更有力量的人，你值得更好的生活。我刚听了一个播客，主讲人是个有上千万粉丝的女性，我觉得你听了会很有收获。

You're a much more powerful person, you deserve more in your life, and I just listened to this podcast with this woman that has 10,000,000 followers, and I think you'd get a lot out of this chick.

我觉得她讲的‘随他们去’理论，可能能帮你找回自己的力量，不再为这些鸡毛蒜皮的小事生气。

And I think this thing that she talks about called the Let Them theory, I think it might help you find your power and not get so pissed off about this petty stupid stuff.

如果你能唤起他内心更好的那一面，让他知道你希望他过得更好，这可能会激励他为自己看到更多可能性，也愿意去听那一期节目。

And if you appeal to his greater self, and if you appeal to the fact that you want more for him, that might inspire him to see more for himself and to listen to the episode.

这就是我会采取的方式。

That's how I would do it.

我会从他的痛苦出发，告诉他你希望他过得更好，同时你也明白你无法替他解决这个问题。

And I would appeal to the pain he's feeling and the fact that you want more for him and that you realize you can't fix this for him.

这件事必须他自己去面对，但你可以这样做。

This is something he has to do for himself, but here's what you're going do.

你把这个很酷的女生的播客发给他，这真的会让他好好思考一下。

You're going to send him this podcast from this cool chick that will really make him think about this.

其次，下次他再提起这件事时，你就说一句“随他们去”作为提醒，这会让他很烦，因为你不会再参与这种对话了。

And second, the next time he talks about this again, you're just gonna say, let them, as a cue, and it's gonna get really annoying Because you're not going to engage in the conversation anymore.

你不再继续这种对话，因为这种对话改变不了任何事情，所以你就不跟他聊了。

You're done with the conversation because the conversation's not changing anything, and so you're not going to engage with him.

这就是你要做的，因为这是你能控制的部分。

And that's what you're gonna do because that's what you can control.

这就是“随他们去”理论的核心。

And this is how the Let Them theory works.

你要让你丈夫为他兄弟姐妹的行为感到烦恼。

You are going to let your husband get upset about what his siblings are doing.

你先给他提供那期播客的支持，然后对他说‘随他们去吧’，接着你还要让他因为你说了‘随他们去吧’而生气。

You are going to say let them to him after you've already provided the support of the podcast episode, and then you're going to let your husband be mad that you said let them.

然后你还要让他继续抱怨发生的事情，因为只有你丈夫自己才能解决这个问题。

And then you're going to let him continue to bitch about what's going on because only your husband can fix this.

我想为你鼓掌的是，你非常在乎他，所以希望他好，因为你看到他因此承受了多大的痛苦。

And what I want to applaud you for is that you care so much about him that you want this because you can see how much pain it's causing him.

事实上，如果我们都停止抱怨那些不顺利的事情，或者别人做了什么、没做什么、有没有把我们包括在内，如果我们停止这样做，我们就会发现有很多空闲时间可以和我们想相处的人一起做计划。

And the fact is if we all stopped complaining about what's not working or what other people are doing or not doing or including us in, or not, if we stopped doing that, we would find a lot of free time to make plans with people that we want to hang out with.

这也是这里可以做到的事情。

And that's, what's also available here.

所以我想感谢你提出这个问题，因为它太有共鸣了。

So I want to thank you for asking that question because it is so relatable.

祝你和你的丈夫一切顺利。

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

谢谢你把那期节目推给他，看看他愿不愿意听一听。你不再参与，让他自己待在痛苦里，这会让他更难受，反而可能促使他采取行动。

Thank you for shoving that episode at him and seeing if he'll take a listen to it, and you not participating anymore and letting him sit in his misery, that's gonna intensify the fire and might actually motivate him to do something about it.

感谢你的来电。

Thanks for calling.

好了各位，今天的时间就到这里。

Alrighty everybody, that's all we got time for today.

我想提醒你，如果你想听我详细解释‘随他们去’理论的原始那期节目，里面我给出了多个如何开始使用的例子，还讲了三个非常重要的例外情况，也就是这个理论不适用的时候。

I wanna remind you that if you're looking for the original Let Them theory episode where I explain it in detail, I give you multiple examples of how to start using it, I talk about the three really important exceptions for when it doesn't apply.

那期节目的链接在所有的节目笔记里。

That episode is linked in all the show notes.

你可以在 melrobbins.com/podcast 找到这期节目的笔记。

You can find our show notes, melrobbins.com/podcast for this episode.

你看，‘随他们去’理论最酷的地方在于，当你意识到让别人做自己，其实就是你对自己的人生负责、做真正的自己的途径时，这就是魔法的全部所在。

And look, the thing that's so cool about the Let Them theory is that when you realize that the art of letting other people being themselves is the pathway to you actually being responsible for your own life and being fully yourself, that's what the magic's all about.

这就是为什么大家都在谈论和使用这个理论。

And that's why everybody's talking about this thing and using it.

所以，谢谢你。

And so thank you.

谢谢。

Thank you.

谢谢。

Thank you.

哦，还有一件事。

Oh, and one more thing.

趁我还没忘，我知道你会问我，怎么才能参与进来？

Before I forget, I know you're gonna ask me, how do I get on this?

我该怎么做？

What do I do?

你最近怎么样？

How are you doing?

直接去订阅邮件简报就行。

Just go to the newsletter.

我们正在摸索这个直播通话的格式安排。

We are figuring out this live call format situation thing.

每次我们都会换不同的方式来做。

We're doing it different every single time.

但有一点我可以告诉你，如果你订阅了我们的邮件列表，melrobbins.com/newsletter，每封邮件里都有一个链接，告诉你如何打进电话和我实时聊天。

But the one thing I can tell you is if you're on our newsletter list, melrobbins.com/newsletter, we have a link in every newsletter on the information for how to call in and talk to me live.

好吗？

Alrighty?

如果没人告诉你，我想确保告诉你，我爱你。

And in case nobody else tells you, I wanna be sure to tell you that I love you.

我相信你。

I believe in you.

我也相信你有能力，就让他们做自己，让他们知道你的想法，然后让自己去做你需要为自己做的事情。

And I believe in your ability to just let them be, let them know, and then let yourself do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself.

好的。

Alrighty.

过几天再跟你聊。

I'll talk to you in a few days.

这样吗？

Like this?

你得帮我一下。

You're gonna have to help me.

发生什么事了？

What's happening?

像那样吗？

Like that?

干发喷雾也太多了。

There's so much dry shampoo.

好的。

Okay.

很好。

Great.

开始吧。

Here we go.

那是什么鬼？

The hell is that?

是空气打印吗？

Is air print?

那是那个东西吗？

Is that what that is?

我们一个都没有。

We don't get any of those.

对，我们没有。

No, we don't.

好的。

Okay.

开始吧。

Here we go.

好的。

Okay.

来，让我接吧。

Here, let me just take it.

我们这就开始。

We'll get going.

你要我直接接吗？

Do you want me to just take it?

她可能马上就会回电话。

She might call right back.

开始了。

Here we go.

你们能告诉我下一位来电者是谁吗？

Will you guys tell me who the next caller is?

因为我屏幕上什么都看不到。

Because I don't see anything on my screen.

是的。

Yes.

我很喜欢。

I love it.

我们做到了。

We did it.

我们成功了。

We did it.

加油。

Come on.

各位，搞定了。

Done, everybody.

干得好。

Great job.

好了。

Alright.

我们赶紧跑去机场吧。

Let's run to the airport.

走吧。

Let's go.

哦，还有一件事。

Oh, and one more thing.

不，这不是花絮。

And no, this is not a blooper.

这是法律用语。

This is the legal language.

你知道，就是律师写的东西，我得念给你听。

You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

这个播客仅供教育和娱乐目的。

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

我只是你的朋友。

I'm just your friend.

我不是持证的治疗师。

I am not a licensed therapist.

这个播客也不能替代医生、专业教练、心理治疗师或其他合格专业人士的建议。

And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, other qualified professional.

明白了吗？

Got it?

好的。

Good.

我们下期节目见。

I'll see you in the next episode.

Stitcher。

Stitcher.