创造一个更快乐的自己：将你的能量导向积极思考

我开始过度幻想过去的日子。

And I started over fantasizing about the past.

对。

Mhmm.

我还开始不公平地评判，甚至都找不到合适的词来形容。

And I also started unfairly, like, I don't even have the right words judging.

就好像我用一支极不公平的笔，把眼前的生活涂得一团糟。

It's like I was unfairly painting the life in front of me with a very unfair brush.

是的。

Yeah.

我看待这一切的视角其实是扭曲的。

Like I was seeing it through a lens that actually wasn't accurate.

是的。

Yeah.

现在我终于看清楚了。

And I can see that now.

我连试都没试过。

I didn't even give it a chance.

这才是关键。

And that's the thing.

你得问问自己，你有没有给这种情况一个机会？

You have to ask yourself, have I even given the situation a chance?

你有没有给那个人一个机会？

Have I given the person a chance?

你有没有给这份工作一个机会？

Have I given the job a chance?

你有没有给这所学校一个机会？

Have I given the school a chance?

你有没有给这个社区一个机会？

Have I given this neighborhood a chance?

还是说，面对变化，你一开始就拿它跟以前比，然后双臂交叉，一脸挑剔，干脆坐那儿不吭声了？

Or have I been confronted by the change, and I started comparing, and now I've got my arms crossed, and I'm, like, super judgy, and I'm sitting back?

是的

Yeah.

完全对

Totally.

好的

Okay.

所以第一个要点是，如果你或你身边的人感到不开心，你首先要问自己：我现在真的活在当下吗？

So takeaway number one, if you're unhappy or someone else is unhappy in your life, is the first question you have to ask yourself is, am I actually in the present?

还是我带着过去的经历，拿它当尺子来衡量现在？

Or am I dragging the past here and using it as a measuring stick?

对

Yeah.

所以我想让你把第一个要点真正用到你目前的处境中去

And so the thing that I want, you to do with this first takeaway is to really apply it to where you are right now.

你是不是在拿自己和别人比较？

And are you sitting in comparison?

这会让你彻底错失眼前的机会。

Which very clearly robs you of the opportunity in front of you.

你能掌控的是，别再拿现在的自己和过去做比较。

And what is in your control is to stop yourself from comparing where you are to where you've been.

别再用一个虚构的过去，去衡量眼前的真实生活。

To stop holding some fantasized version of your past over the reality that's in front of you.

只有当你停止比较，才能真正放下过去，去抓住面前那扇门，把它打开。

Because it's only when you stop comparing that you have an opportunity to let go of the past and to reach for the door in front of you and to open it.

只有当你不再拿自己和别人比，才有机会做几件简单的事，让自己更踏实、更满足。

It's only when you stop comparing yourself that you have the opportunity to do a couple other simple things that might make you feel more content.

但如果你说：‘没有，我真没在比较。’

But if you are saying, no, haven't been comparing myself.

我刚开始是有点比较，但现在真没这念头了。

I was doing that beginning, but I'm not doing that anymore.

如果你只是不确定这环境是不是对的，那你就已经完成了第一步——判断问题出在你自己，还是出在环境上。

I just really am not sure if this is the right situation, then you've checked the box, and that's step one on deciding if it's you or if it's the situation.

就是这样。

There you go.

对吧？

Right?

奥克，你说得太好了，我也很欣赏你这么坦诚。

Oak, I love what you're saying, and I also appreciate how transparent you're being.

谢谢，妈妈。

Thank you, mom.

我很感谢你这么说。

I appreciate what you're saying.

哎呀。

Aw.

不客气，不过我们得休息一下了。

Well, you're welcome, and we gotta go to a break.

我真不想停下和你聊天，但得给我们的赞助商一点时间说几句话。

I don't wanna even stop talking to you, but I gotta give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.

我们先插个广告，马上回来。

We're gonna throw you guys to break, and we'll be right back.

别走开，回来后我们还要继续分享几个重点，绝对不能错过。

Don't go anywhere because we have a couple more of these takeaways to walk you through when we return, and you do not want to miss them.

请继续关注我们。

Stay with us.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你们的朋友，梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend, Mel Robbins.

今天，我在这里和

And today, I am here with

奥克利。

Oakley.

我们一起来聊聊，生活中怎么分辨是自己需要改变，还是环境需要调整。

And you, and we're talking about how to know in life if it's you or if it's the situation that needs to change.

我们正在用这个简单的四步清单来梳理。

And we're going through this simple four part checklist.

接下来我们看第二点，之前已经提到了：当你陷入一种情境，老是拿过去和现在比较，就开始评判了。

So let's move on to the second one because we've already alluded to it, which is when you get yourself in a situation where you're comparing the old to the new and you start judging it.

你双臂交叉，这时候得好好觉察自己的状态。

You cross your arms, and you gotta really check your energy.

这是第二个要点。

So this is takeaway number two.

你是把自己缩起来了，还是感觉能量打开了？

Are you shrinking, or is your energy expansive?

对。

Yeah.

而且你身体还往前倾。

And you're leaning in.

对。

Yeah.

我意识到自己特别固执。

I got that I was really stubborn.

我做出改变的时候，身边好多特别好的人都劝我：奥克利，去试试新东西吧，答应那些人的邀请吧。

When I made the change because I had so many wonderful people in my life saying, Oakley, just go and try new things and go say yes to all these people.

你现在的朋友可能不是最好的，但谁知道呢？

You know, your friends right now might not be the greatest, but who knows?

去多认识些新的人吧。

Go try and meet more people.

可我就是说：不。

And I was like, no.

这儿的人都不行。

Everyone here sucks.

这个地方真差劲。

This place sucks.

这学校里的一切都糟透了。

And everything at this school sucks.

我讨厌一切，就想回家。

And I hate everything, and I wanna go home.

大家都给了我成功和喜欢这个地方所需的信息和工具，可我只想双臂交叉，抱怨，说不。

And everybody was feeding me the information and the tools that I needed to succeed and to love this place, and all I wanted to do was cross my arms and complain and say no.

我当时太固执了，真是太过分了。

And I was being so, so stubborn, and it was so bad of me.

因为如果我早点放开，很多事情本可以更快改变。

Because I I things could've changed a lot quicker.

这真是个很棒的领悟。

Oh, that's a great insight.

你这么说很坦诚，毕竟你固执了一年半。

That's very honest because you were stubborn for a year and a half.

是的。

Yes.

我真傻。

I'm stupid.

我真是傻透了。

So dumb with me.

实在太傻了。

It was so dumb.

真希望有人能狠狠点醒我。

Like, wish someone had, like, slapped some sense into me.

我试过了。

I tried.

你试了各种方法，但我就是死活不肯改变立场。

You'd vary what you did try, and I was very, very I just didn't wanna move from my position.

你当时能怎么做不一样呢？

What could I have done differently?

我周五晚上给你打电话的时候，你还是个大一新生。

Because I would call you on a Friday night, and you are a college freshman.

是啊，各位。

Yeah, guys.

我那时候，每到周五、周六、周日，我都会待在宿舍里。

I was I was I would sit in my dorm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

我其实挺怕过周末的，因为工作日挺好的，我们有课表，你知道的，去上课，做该做的事。

I was actually scared of the weekends because the weekdays were great because we had our schedules, you know, and we went to class and we did all that.

可一到周末，大家就都嚷嚷着，行啊，去嗨吧。

And then the weekends would come and everyone would be like, alright, let's go party.

我心里就想，哎呀，我不想，我真的不想去。

And I'd be like, oh, I don't wanna I don't wanna do that.

我不想出去，也不想参加派对。

I don't wanna I don't wanna go out and I don't wanna go party.

所以周末真的很难熬，感觉就像有人拿着镜子照着我，告诉我：你正在做不该做的事，因为这正在伤害你自己。

So the weekends were really hard because it was like someone was holding a mirror up to my face being like, you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing because it's hurting you right now.

你明明知道该做什么，却偏偏在违背自己的需求。

And you know what you should be doing, and you're actively going against what you need.

你和我真的很像。

You and I are so similar.

是啊。

Oh, yeah.

我懂。

I know.

挺好的。

It's great.

但你这么折磨自己的时候，可谈不上好。

Well, not great when you're torturing yourself.

嗯，确实如此。

Oh, well, yeah.

在固执的时候，你知道的，

In the stubborn world, but, you know

我刚搬来这儿的时候，一对比以前的生活，就开始讨厌这里，变得特别不开心，还一直说服自己是这个地方出了问题。

Well, because when I moved here and we got here and I started comparing it to our old life, and I started hating it and getting very unhappy, and I started convincing myself that the place was wrong.

我们得搬回去。

We needed to move back.

我们犯了个错。

We had made a mistake.

我开始做跟你类似的事，就是默默退出了。

I started what sounds like you did, which is quietly quitting Yeah.

对这个决定。

On the decision.

我开始敌视我所处的地方，花了大量时间独自哭泣、消沉，不断说服自己这真是个大错误。

I started turning against the place I was in, and I spent so much energy crying, sitting alone, convincing myself this was a huge mistake.

是的。

Yeah.

我有两个朋友，艾米和杰西，我们都特别讨厌这里。

I had two friends, Amy and Jesse, and we all hated it.

我们还经常聊，说我们当初犯了错，是丈夫骗我们搬来的，现在连他们也讨厌。

We also talked a lot about how we had made a mistake and that our husbands had tricked us into coming here, and now we hated them too.

我还花了很多时间刷朋友的社交媒体。

And I also spent a lot of time watching my friends on social media.

是的

Yeah.

感觉他们就像在波士顿港的一艘派对船上，朝我挥手告别，而我却在这佛蒙特州的山上，寒冬里孤身一人，慢慢经历着漫长而痛苦的煎熬。

And it felt like they were on a party barge in the Boston Harbor waving goodbye to me from my old life as I was slowly dying a a long and torturous death here in the winters of Vermont on a mountain here with no friends.

对

Mhmm.

当你在悄悄退出一段关系时，你是在评判对方，同时也在疏远。

And when you're quietly quitting a relationship, you're sitting in judgment and you're pulling away.

当你在悄悄退出一份工作或事业时，你是在抽身退缩。

When you're quietly quitting a job or a career and you're withdrawing.

当你觉得已经和朋友圈脱节，感觉自己被排除在外时，你也会收起自己的能量，退到一边。

When you are in a friend group that you feel like you've outgrown and you're kind of on the outside of it, you also shrink your energy and you pull back.

但这时候真正需要的，恰恰相反。

When what is needed in these moments is the opposite.

你需要拓展自己，释放更多能量，走出舒适区，突破自己的固执。

You need to expand yourself and expand your energy and expand out of your comfort zone and expand through your stubbornness.

是的。

Yeah.

所以这就是为什么这一点要放在你的清单第二位。

And this is why this is the second thing on your checklist.

是自己有问题，还是环境本身就不对？

Is it me, or is it the situation?

你是在退缩，还是正处于成长和突破自己的阶段？

Are you shrinking away, or are you in a period of expanding and pushing yourself?

是的。

Yeah.

你明明有一些不错的朋友，却总说：还没遇到真正合得来的人。

Because you had some good friends, but you kept saying, I haven't found my people.

还没遇到真正合得来的人。

I haven't found my people.

但那群朋友，从来不是牢笼。

And yet, that circle of friends was not a cage.

我觉得这也是个特别值得问自己的问题。

This is the thing that I think is really interesting to ask yourself too.

你为什么宁愿坚持认为问题是出在环境上，也不愿意试一试呢？

Why would you rather be right that the situation is wrong for you and be stubborn about it than just try?

在我固执的时候，总觉得特别烦，好像每个人都知道答案。

I think in my stubborn mindset, there was this this annoyance in the fact that everybody seemed to have the answer.

而那个答案就是：别瘫在那儿了，起来做点什么就行。

And that answer being all you have to do is get your get your butt off the floor and go do something.

我内心其实并不真的明白，但就是觉得特别不爽，好像人人都知道该怎么做，唯独我知道自己该干嘛。

And I I think internally, not not actually knowing this, but I it just kind of annoyed me that it it seemed like everybody knew what was up and what I should be doing.

所以我特别想向他们证明，不行，事情不会变的。

And so I I wanted to kinda prove to them where I was like, no.

事情不会有什么转机。

Like, things aren't gonna change.

我还记得，偶尔我会试着做点什么，比如偶尔去趟俱乐部，或者跟朋友出去玩一晚，但每次回来，心里都更难受，就觉得：真糟透了。

And I do actually remember there were times where I would go and try something like once in a blue moon where maybe I'd show up to a club or I would go out with some friends one night, and I would always come back from it with an even worse feeling in my gut just being like, that was horrible.

我记得有一次和朋友出去，一到地方他们玩得正开心，我就觉得真没劲。

Like, I remember there was one time where I went out with my friends and immediately we got there and they're having the time of their lives, I was like, this sucks.

这地方真差劲。

Like, this place sucks.

我觉得自己格格不入。

I don't feel like I belong here.

于是我就直接走了，回了家。

And so I just left and I went back home.

我当时就觉得，太糟了。

I was like, that was horrible.

我一直在找各种理由，觉得那是我最倒霉的一次——去了个全新的俱乐部，一个人都不认识，完全搞不清状况，感觉特别陌生。

And I was looking for so many reasons why it was the worst time or a club where I showed up to a brand new club and I didn't know anybody and I didn't know what was going on and it felt so foreign.

结果我立马回了宿舍，心想，真是糟透了。

So immediately, I went back to my dorm, and I was like, that was horrible.

我再也不想干这种事了。

I'm not gonna do that again.

我只是想证明自己确实试过了，但就算试了，也不适合我。

And I just wanted to I kinda had this thing where I wanted to prove that I did try, and even in trying, it didn't work for me.

我就是那种怎么都搞不定的人。

And like, I was just a hopeless a hopeless case.

所以在这种情况下，一个特别好的建议就是：你得给自己一年时间。

Well, think that's one of the reasons why a really good piece of advice in these kind of situations is you have to give it a year.

对。

Yeah.

你得持续努力，不能半途而废。

You have to you have to keep trying at it.

不能试一次不行，就直接说再也不干了。

You can't just do it once, and be like, alright, no, never again.

你得多试几次，真正地去体验。

You have to try it a few good times.

还有一点很重要：当你开始退缩、能量收起来、还老挑毛病的时候，那就是该放弃了。

And another great piece of advice is when you are shrinking, and your energy is pulling back and judgy, you're a no.

是的

Yeah.

当你感到开阔，心里想着：好吧，我打算给自己一年时间。

And when you're expansive and you're saying, alright, I'm gonna give it a year.

我得真正投入到这个机会里。

I gotta, like, really lean into the opportunity.

我得全心全意在这里。

I gotta be here.

你就是肯定的答案。

You're a yes.

对。

Yeah.

当你想到自己已经坚持了十八个月，你一月份就坚持下来了。

When you think about eighteen months of being there, you showed up in January.

没错。

Mhmm.

你不再评判了。

And you stopped judging.

是的，我不再评判了。

I did.

你是怎么停止评判的？

How did you stop judging?

在那段休息期间，我慢慢意识到，得放下身段，不能再以为我现在的处境迟早会回到过去的样子。

I I came to the realization over that break that I needed to get off my high horse, and stop assuming that the place I was in was going to become the place I was once at.

到了一月一号，我就直接来了，心想：好吧，这就是当下，这就是此时此刻。

And I just kinda showed up January 1, I was like, alright, this is its own place, it's its own time.

我回不去过去的自己了，所以我就试着去欣赏，去发现在这个新环境中我会变成什么样的人。

I can't go back to who I once was, and so I'm just going to appreciate and see who I am going to become in this new place.

之后每一天，我都带着这种心态去生活。

And I kinda operated with that mindset each day.

真厉害。

Wow.

是的

Yeah.

那你开始答应了哪些事情？

And what did you start saying yes to?

所有事。

Everything.

真的是所有事。

Like, literally everything.

我重新加入了飞盘队，之前我一直觉得这队和我高中时的飞盘队不一样。

I I rejoined the the frisbee team that I thought wasn't similar to my old high school frisbee team.

我真的很喜欢你们。

Love you guys.

我开始更频繁地在周末和朋友聚会。

I started hanging out with my friends way more on the weekends.

他们总要去参加派对或者出去玩，我都答应了。

They would always be going to a house party or they'd be going out, and I'd say yes.

我会去参加每一个活动。

I'd go to each one.

平时上班日，我会和新认识的人一起吃午饭。

During the weeks, I'd get lunch with new people.

周末白天如果有活动，还是找新朋友一起。

On the weekends, if it was during the day, again, new people.

我总在努力认识新的人。

I'd always be trying to find new people.

如果遇到一个挺有意思的人，你们有没有过这种经历？就是生活中总有一些人，你偶尔碰见，心里就想：咱们得找个时间一起吃个饭。

If I met someone cool You know, I don't know if you guys have ever done this, but there's always those people in your life where you see them every once in while, you're like, oh, we have to get lunch.

就是得约饭，得约出来聚一聚。

Like, we have to get lunch, we have to go hang out.

你当面跟人家这么说，心里却想着：行吧，但我其实不会真的发消息给你。

And you say it to them, and you're like, alright, but I'm not actually gonna text you.

我根本不会主动迈出第一步，也不会真约你吃饭，总觉得那样有点尴尬。

Like, I'm not actually gonna make the first move, and I'm not gonna go get food or anything with you because that's awkward.

我其实不太了解你。

I don't really know you.

共同认识的人。

The mutuals.

你懂的。

You know?

共同认识的人。

The mutuals.

所以我开始主动联系这些共同认识的人，说：咱们出来聚聚吧。

And so I started actually reaching out to those mutuals and saying, Hey, let's hang out.

后来怎么样？

What happened?

说实话，我得坦白讲。

Well, obviously, I'm gonna be honest.

头一两次，大家都有点尴尬。

The first one or two times, they were a little awkward.

你知道吗，你是在慢慢了解一个人。

You know, you're getting to know somebody.

这从来都不是件容易的事。

It's never the easiest.

后来就变成每天我都问：你有空吗？

And then it would just happen where every day I'd be like, hey, are you free?

然后我们就开始一起出去，一切都变得特别自然，特别轻松。

And we'd start hanging out, and it would just become so natural, so easy.

这都是因为我一直坚持在做。

And that's because I kept working at it.

我不断主动去联系他们，试着和他们聊天。

I kept putting myself out there to try and talk to them.

你知道吗，Oak，我特别喜欢这个例子，因为它让我想起斯坦福的蒂娜·塞利格教授，她来过这个播客，分享过关于运气的科学研究。

You know, I love this example, Oak, because it reminds me of really incredible research that this professor, Tina Selig, from Stanford, came on this podcast and shared about the science of luck.

人们并不是单纯地‘运气好’。

And people aren't just, quote, lucky.

那些看起来运气好的人，其实都有一个共同的习惯：主动让自己置身于你想要的事物之中，刻意采取一些小行动，让自己有机会遇到那些你渴望的东西。

People who seem to be lucky have this particular habit, and the habit is intentionally putting yourself in the current of the things that you want, intentionally taking small actions that help you collide with the thing that you want.

从理智上讲，我们都明白，你打招呼的人越多，约吃饭、参加聚会时走进去的心态越开放——比如想着‘我这辈子见过的最棒的人，说不定就在这个房间里’。

Intellectually, we know that the more people you say hello to, the more people that you, reach out to for lunch, the more parties you go to and you walk in and you have an attitude like, you know, my favorite person that I've ever met in my life might be in this room.

是的。

Yeah.

确实如此。

It's true.

没错，说不定真有。

You know, they might.

你要保持这种开放的心态，主动让自己处在容易碰上好运的环境里，但同时得放下和过去生活的比较。

Like, you have this open mindedness that you put yourself in a position to be lucky because you're in the same room, but you have to stop comparing yourself to your old life.

对。

Yeah.

你要把眼界放得更宽一些。

You have to be more expansive.

你得给自己一年时间，然后开始答应各种邀请，对。

You have to give it a year, and you have to start saying yes Mhmm.

就在你保持这种心态的时候。

While you have that attitude.

那接下来会发生什么？

And then what happens?

你会变得幸运。

You get lucky.

确实会。

You do.

你后来怎么了？

What happened to you?

我的意思是，随着时间推移，一点一点地，我结识了一些真正让我在乎和喜爱的朋友，也开始慢慢环顾四周，心想：等等。

I mean, over time, slowly, slowly, I started to accumulate friends that I really, really began to care about and love, and I began to slowly look around and be like, wait.

这个地方，其实挺不错的。

This place is this place is pretty cool.

我就住在这儿，周围都是跟我同龄的人，走几步路就能碰到他们。

Like, I'm living near everybody who's my age, and all I have to do is just walk down a few doors and see them.

这简直太棒了。

Like, this is awesome.

我觉得在哪儿都可能发生这种情况。

Well, I think that can happen just about everywhere.

任何地方都行。

Everywhere.

比如你换了新工作，第一个月你不可能突然就和同事变成铁哥们。

Because if you're in a new job, for example, the first month you're not gonna feel like you suddenly have really good friends at work.

你多半会埋头做事，先适应下来。

You're probably gonna put your head down and get into it.

但如果你一直只顾着埋头做事，指望自己能自然融入，那迟早你会慢慢退缩，觉得自己被排除在外。

But the fact is, if all you ever do is put your head down and hope you fit in, then you're gonna start to pull back, and you're gonna start to feel like you're on the outside of something.

是的。

Yeah.

如果你真把这建议放在心上，当觉得自己被排除在外时，好好照照镜子：你到底主动邀请过多少人一起喝杯咖啡，或者午饭后散个步？

If you take this advice to heart, and you really look in the mirror if you're feeling on the outside, you could literally look up and be like, well, how many people have I asked if they wanna go out for a cup of coffee or go walk around the block at lunch?

你主动参与过多少次跟工作无关的活动？

How many times have I raised my hand to do something that isn't directly related to my job?

你多久会问问同事们的生活近况？

How often am I asking my colleagues about their life?

你有没有特意安排过一对一的视频通话，就为了多了解他们？

Have I scheduled any one on ones with people even over Zoom just to get to know people?

对啊。

Yeah.

所以别总抱着坐等天上掉馅饼的心态，指望事情会自然而然发生

And so instead of taking a posture in life of sitting back and hoping it falls out of the sky or just magically happens

我以前就等着别人主动来找我，盼着哪天突然就一切都对上了，心想：哇，这感觉真棒。

That's I was waiting for someone to just show up for things to click and for it to be like, wow.

我现在特别喜欢这个地方。

I love this place now.

我一直在等别人来帮我，但其实责任在我自己。

Was waiting for just one person to show up, but it's on you.

那你等的不就是你自己吗。

Well, that's who you were waiting for.

是的。

Yeah.

我一直在等自己真正行动起来。

I was waiting for me to get my butt in gear.

对。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

你能再多说说这个吗？

Well, can you say more about that?

不久前，你问我，你要是说点什么，能让我改变、让我行动起来，那会是什么？

A little while ago, you're like, what could I have said to you to inspire you to change or inspire you to do something?

我觉得你从来没对我说过的一句话，但要是你说了，我可能就真的行动起来了，那就是：这事得靠你自己。

And I think the biggest thing that I don't think you ever said to me, but what would have gotten me to get moving was just you saying, like, it's on you.

不管是四年，还是接下来的这段日子，不管多长，如果你希望它变得精彩，那全看你自己的态度。

Like, four years or this next chapter, however long it may be, like, if you want it to be great, then that's on you.

你不能等着某个人、某个事件，或者随便什么外在的东西来让你改变想法。

And you can't wait for some person or some event or just something to change your mind about that.

你得主动站起来，去行动，去见这些人，去做这些事，去转变自己的心态，因为没人能替你完成这一切。

It's it's your job to to get up and to go and to meet these people and to do these things and to change your outlook because no one can do that for you.

你得站出来，开始向前走。

You have to stand up and you have to start moving forward.

一旦你开始这么做，事情就会变得越来越容易，也会越来越顺利，但眼下你必须付出努力，迈出第一步。

And once you start doing that, it'll become easier and it will become great, but right now you have to put the work in and you have to take that first step.

我觉得这就是关键所在。

And I think that's the takeaway.

问问你自己：你现在真的活在当下吗？真的把这一刻看作一个机会了吗？

Ask yourself, are you actually here in the present moment really seeing this as an opportunity?

第二点，看看你的状态。

And number two is check your energy.

你有没有保持开放的心态？

Have you been expansive?

你有没有一直说‘好’？

Have you been a yes?

你有没有给这件事一年的时间？

Have you given this a year?

你真的在全力以赴吗？你有没有为自己的表现负责，不管是这段关系、这份工作、新社区还是新学校？

Like, are you really putting in the effort and taking full responsibility for the way you're showing up to this chapter or this relationship or this job or this new neighborhood or this school?

如果你没有，那问题就在你身上。

Because if you're not, then it's on you.

是的。

Yeah.

如果你已经尽力了，那我们才开始考虑，是不是环境本身出了问题。

If you have been, now we're starting to go, well, maybe it's the situation.

因为每次我问你想不想转学，你都说，

Because every time I asked you if you wanted to transfer, you were like,

不想。

no.

不想。

No.

对。

Yeah.

我当时非常确信，我所在的那所学校就是我最该去的地方。

I was I was I was confident that the school I was at is the place I should be.

我也知道，我想结交的朋友肯定就在那儿，只是我还没碰到他们而已。

And I knew that the people that I wanted to be friends with were there somewhere, but I just hadn't found them yet.

那你也没怎么主动去促成这件事吗？

And you weren't doing much to make it happen?

对，没怎么主动。

No.

橡树。

Oak.

对。

Yep.

该插播广告了。

Time for another ad break.

是啊。

It is.

没错。

It is.

所以，我想花点时间，感谢我们出色的赞助商，让他们说几句话。

And so, I wanna take a second and just give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.

如果你想到身边有谁，正像奥克利分享的经历那样，正在经历这些事，那就花点时间，把这条链接复制发给他。

And if anybody in your life is coming to mind, as Oakley's been sharing his experiences, we're going through this checklist, just take a minute and copy and paste this link and text it to him.

你甚至都不用多说什么。

You don't even have to say anything.

你只需要说，我在想你，觉得你可能会喜欢这个。

You can just say, you know, I'm thinking about you, I thought you might love this.

听听看。

Take a listen.

就是这样。

There you go.

别走开。

And don't go anywhere.

怎么了，Oak？

Why, Oak?

因为马上回来。

Because we'll be right back.

对。

Yeah.

继续关注我们。

So stay with us.

接下来这部分特别重要，因为我们还有两个要点要讲。

The next part is so important because we have two more takeaways.

马上回来。

We'll be right back.

请继续关注我们。

Stay with us.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

我和你今天和我儿子奥克利在一起，聊一聊生活中那些让你不开心的时刻。

You and I are here with my son, Oakley, and we're talking about, you know, those moments in life where you're just not happy.

是你的问题，还是环境的问题？

Is it you or is it the situation?

我们继续往下说吧，因为这是清单上的第三个要点。

So let's move on to the next piece because this is takeaway three on our checklist.

问题出在我身上，还是出在当前的处境上？

Is it me or is it the situation?

是我需要做出改变，还是我需要换个环境？

Do I need to change or do I need to change a situation?

关键点在于，你是否已经全身心地投入其中？

And that is, are you 100% in it?

没错。

Yeah.

因为当你只投入了40%的努力时，很难感到满足和快乐。

Because it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in 40%.

对。

Yeah.

而且，显然，把你现在的状态和过去做比较，说明你还没有完全到位。

And, obviously, comparing where you currently are to your past means you're not 100 there.

你能量不足、双臂交叉、爱评判别人，还指望头一两个月事情就变得完美，这些都说明你还没有完全投入。

Your energy and shrinking and crossing your arms and being judgy, expecting something to be amazing within the first month or two, you're not 100% there.

但还有一件事，也让你没法全身心投入。

But there's also another thing that keeps you from being a 100% there.

我常打个比方：你的两只脚是不是都踩在当前的这一章里？

And I like to think of this analogy that are both of your feet in the present chapter.

还是说，你一只脚在这儿，另一只脚却踩在别处？这样骑在两匹朝不同方向狂奔的马背上，可太难受了。

Or do you have one foot somewhere else while you have one foot here and straddling two Clydesdales running in different directions can be painful?

对你来说，上学的时候也没能全情投入。

And for you, you also were not a 100% at school.

确实没有。

I was not.

对。

No.

我之前提过一点，上大学前我刚谈了个女朋友。

I I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode how I had just gotten into a relationship right before I went to college.

她比我低一个年级。

And she was in the grade below me.

所以大一那年，我还能偶尔回家，周末去见她，这对维持感情挺方便的，但显然让我自己很难全心投入当下的状态。

And so for the first year of college, I was able to kinda like commute home and see her on weekends, which made it easy for the relationship, but it obviously didn't make it easy for the place that I was in.

为什么呢？

Now why?

因为你知道的，我脑子里整天24小时都在想她。

Because, you know, my mind I I thought about her twenty four seven.

她真的很棒，我满脑子都是她，我特别希望我们能待在同一个地方，所以我花了很多时间，要么盼着回家，要么盼着她过来找我。

She she's amazing, and she I I always just had my mind on her, and I couldn't I just wished more than anything that we could be in the same place together, and I spent so much time just wanting to either go home or wanting her to come up to me

或者晚上七点跑回宿舍，就为了打个电话。

Or running to your dorm room at 7PM so you could have your call.

对。

Yeah.

周五或者周六，你知道的，很晚才回宿舍，把自己关起来，远离所有朋友，就为了能跟她聊聊天。

On a Friday or a Saturday, you know, like going late into my dorm and just kinda lock myself away from all my friends just so I could have a conversation with her.

当时呢，我心里会告诉自己，这就是我现在该做的事。

And it was in the in the moment, you know, I I I would I would tell myself that this is what I need to be doing.

这可是我生命中最棒的事，我一定要好好维持下去。

Like, this is the best thing in my life, and I wanna maintain that.

说真的，确实如此。

And arguably, it was.

所以，我自然觉得就该继续这样下去，守住我手里唯一还剩的好东西。

So it made sense that I could just kinda keep that up and maintain the one good thing that I still had going for me.

但正因如此，我根本没意识到，自己慢慢把周围的一切都关在了门外。

But because of that, it really without me knowing, of course, it caused me to shut out shut out everything around me and everyone around me.

那些晚上，朋友们都出去玩了，我却能待在宿舍里给女朋友打电话，这成了我最好的借口——你看，我得守着这段关系，所以没法出去。

Because on those nights where all my friends would go out to party and all those things, I had an outlet where I could stay in my dorm and I could call my girlfriend because it allowed me to kinda have this excuse where it's like, oh, well, I don't need to because I I need to call my girlfriend and maintain this connection.

如果你没全力以赴，就别轻易批评自己所处的环境。

I think it's really unfair to criticize where you are if you don't give it a 100%.

没错。

Yeah.

如果你没把全部心思投入进去，也没资格把不开心归咎于环境。

Or to blame your unhappiness on the situation you're in if you haven't given the situation your full 100%.

是的。

Yeah.

就拿我刚搬来这儿的时候来说，我根本没全心投入。

And I can see in my example of when we first moved here that I was not giving it a 100%.

跟你一样，我很多周末都开车回波士顿见朋友，这意味着我没留下来努力结识新的人。

Because like you, I would drive back to Boston a lot of weekends to see my friends, which means I was not here trying to make new ones.

对。

Yeah.

我其实一直在积极寻找出路，跟当前的处境作对。

I was actively campaigning against the current situation by finding the exit.

没错。

Yeah.

所以你得问问自己：我是不是已经尽了全力？

And that's why you have to ask yourself, am I giving it a 100%?

有位著名的作家，叫奥克·哈维尔·亨德里克斯。

There's this famous author, Oak, Harvill Hendrix.

他写过一本很有影响力的畅销书，叫《获得你想要的爱情》，书中提到，谈恋爱时得把退路都堵死。

He wrote this, like, landmark bestseller, How to Get the Love You Want, and he has this phrase about being in a relationship and you need to close the exits.

对。

Yeah.

我意识到，总往过去的生活里躲，让我没法学会真正快乐，也没法建立起属于自己的新生活。

And I can see that retreating to my old life kept me from actually learning how to be happy and creating my new life.

对。

Yeah.

你觉得呢？

What do you see?

你是问我的情况，还是你的？

For me or for you?

都可以。

Either.

我挺想听听你的看法。

I'll take I'll take your insights.

对。

Yeah.

感情虽然美好，但也确实让我受了伤，还让我没法好好珍惜当下所处的环境。

Relationship, while amazing, definitely hurt me and stopped me from appreciating the place that I was currently in.

而且因为我能一直回到那个退路，所以我从来不需要真正努力去走出去，去做那些事。

And because I was able to keep going back to that outlet, I I never truly had to to work to get out there, to to go do these things.

有意思的是，你和我都在举一些具体的例子，比如我回波士顿。

And what's interesting is you and I are both talking about kind of physical examples, like, I'm going back to Boston.

你可能人在这儿，正在打电话，或者跟某个人在一起，但你在精神上可以做这件事。

You may be back here, you're on the phone, you're physically with somebody, but you can do this mentally.

比如，你处在一段关系里。我现在就认识几对夫妻，他们其实过得并不开心。喝了几杯酒之后，他们就会想，要是当初没分手，一直跟那个同事在一起，会怎么样呢？

Like, you can be in a relationship, like I know a couple of people right now that are in marriages and they're really not that happy, and they, know, after a couple glasses of wine, I'll be like, you know, sometimes wonder like what would have happened if I would have just, you know, stayed with my colleague.

我心里就想，哎呀，看来你心里还没完全投入这段关系。是的。

And I'm thinking, uh-oh, you're mentally not a 100% Yeah.

在这种状态下。

In this.

所以如果你的能量开始下降，总在和别人比较，甚至已经不在状态了，你的心思早就飘到别处去了。

And so if your energy is starting to shrink and you're starting to compare and now you're not even a 100% in this, you are mentally somewhere else.

就我们这种情况，经常人虽然在别处，那就不该轻易评判眼前的生活。

In our case, we are like often physically in other places, then it's not really fair to judge the situation you're in.

没错。

No.

因为你还没坚持一年，还没真正答应过自己，还没真正投入现实，你只是活在幻想里，心里早就在打算退出了。

Because you haven't given a year, you haven't said yes, you haven't stepped into the reality, you're like in your mind in some fantasy, you're in the exit.

确实如此。

It's true.

那后来发生了什么改变？

So what changed?

改变发生在第二学期刚开始的时候，也就是十二月、一月那会儿。我做了个决定——虽然这完全不是我想要的——我和女朋友决定分手，彻底断联。

What changed is at the start of second semester, so that month of December, January, I made the choice against you know, it's the last thing I wanted to do, but I we my girlfriend and I decided to break up and to go full no contact.

其实我们大一刚入学那会儿就试过一次，当时也分手了，但还是经常联系。

So because we tried it freshman year when I actually first went to school, and we broke up, but we would still talk to each other.

所以我们那时候还陷在里面。

So we were very much still in it.

你懂的。

You know?

我们没说分手，但实际上根本没分开。

We didn't like we said we were out, but we we were in.

说实话，大一那会儿奥克利老说，这日子真棒。

And trust me, like, freshman year Oakley would be like, oh, it's amazing.

明白吗？

Know?

那可是我最想要的生活。

It's the only thing I wanted.

但在一月开学前，我们决定彻底分手，断绝一切联系。

But before school started in January, we decided to end the relationship and go full no contact.

所以

So

为什么断联那件事很重要？

Why was the no contact thing important?

因为就算分手了还保持联系，但我觉得那样其实分手并没有真正完成。

Because you can break up and you can stay in contact, but then I would argue that the exit is still technically there.

就是说，你随时可以回头，还能回到过去。大一的时候就是这样，他提了分手，结果两个月后我们又和好了，因为那条退路还在那儿，而我早就迫不及待想走回去了。

Like, you can still fall back on it, and you can still go back to what again, that's what happens freshman year because freshman year, he broke up, and then two months in, we got right back together because the exit was still right there, and I was itching to take it.

所以我就回去了。

And so I took it.

所以第二次分开的时候，我们决定彻底断联，把退路全堵死。我们心想，如果这事儿还会重演，那肯定得等到很久以后；如果咱们注定要在一起，那迟早会在一起的。

And so when we did it a second time, I we we made the choice that we we were gonna burn the exit, and we were gonna say, if this is gonna happen again, like it'll happen way down the line, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

但眼下，我们处在不同的人生阶段，需要各自去适应这些阶段。

But for now, we're in two different places, and we need to be in those places.

所以，联系渠道都切断了。这就是为什么断联这么重要，刚开始确实挺难受的。

And so the exits were taken away, and that's why no contact is so important, and obviously it sucks at first.

在座的各位，如果你正在谈恋爱，或者正在分手，我完全理解你们觉得断联很痛苦，因为这时候你最想做的，就是跟对方说话。

I can I can agree with any of you who are in a relationship or are currently breaking up that no contact sucks because all you wanna do is talk to them?

但后来真的变得容易多了。

But it does become a million times easier.

我也想说，我在那段关系里其实并不出色。

I would also like to add that I was not amazing in the relationship.

那时候我过得特别不开心，每到周末，不管是打电话还是见面，我都状态很差。

Like, I was so unhappy in the place that I was that on those weekends when I would show up on a phone call or I would see her in person, like, I was miserable.

我根本不是个有趣的人，根本不适合谈恋爱。

And I was not fun to be around, and I was just not a good person to be in a relationship with to begin with.

我觉得很重要的一点是，当时我真心觉得我们还能挽回。

I think it's really important to say that also while I was in the relationship, I was a firm believer that I could make things work.

你知道的。

You know?

大家都说异地恋不容易，人还是得待在该待的地方，我也一直这么听。

I was I believe that everybody says like, oh, long distance isn't always the best, and it's important to be where you are.

但我就是固执地觉得自己能成为那1%，我跟别人不一样。

And I was a firm stubborn believer that I could be the 1% like, I'm different.

你知道吧。

You know?

我觉得我能挺过去，能维持这段关系，能爱上我现在所处的环境。

Like, I can rise above, and I can be in this relationship, and I can love this place that I'm in.

我试过了，但真的没成功。

And I gave that the shot, and it really didn't work out.

所以我心里很清楚，我得做出改变，得动点真格的了。

And so I I knew deep down that I had to switch it up, and I had to change something and try

当你已经关上了退路，回头一看，十八个月过去了，你待的地方你根本受不了，迷茫又痛苦，还特别讨厌。

this When you new close the exits and you go back, now eighteen months into a place you can't stand or you're miserable, lost, and you hate it.

是的。

Yeah.

你的心态也完全变了，你告诉自己，这里绝不能变成那样，但我能让它变得不一样。

And you've got a brand new attitude, which is this will never be that, but I can make it something.

对。

Mhmm.

你现在是在点头同意了。

You are now saying yes.

那到底是什么突然发生了变化？

Like, what shifted almost immediately?

做出这些改变生活方式的决定，某种程度上激励了我，让我真正迈出家门。

Making those decisions to change the way I've been living kind of inspired me in a sense to actually, like, get myself out the door.

你什么意思？

What do mean?

我刚和女朋友分手，正想用一种新的心态生活，如果还继续过以前那种日子，那就对不起自己，也对不起别人。

Because I was like, I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I am trying to have this new mindset, and so it would be a disservice to me and everyone else to just continue living the same way I have been.

如果我刚分手，带着新心态去上学，却还是天天窝在宿舍里，那根本毫无意义。

If I were to have just broken up with her, and trying to go into school with a new mindset, and then continue to just sit in my dorm every day, it would do nothing for me.

所以我心想，为了自己，也为了他们，我得继续往前走，去尝试这些新事物。

And so I was like, I owe it to me and them to keep going, and to try these new things.

这让我想到清单上的第四件事。

Well, that brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist.

我们开始吧。

Here we go.

如果你什么都不改，

If you change nothing.

那就什么都不会变。

Nothing will change.

没错。

Correct.

对。

Yeah.

我很欣赏你说到，这对你自己是一种不负责任。

And I love that you said it's a disservice to you.

对。

Yeah.

想象一下，无论你现在处于人生的哪个阶段，你都能说：好吧，不管感觉好不好，不管是不是你原本期待的样子，这些都不重要。

Because imagine a world where you could look at any chapter you're in and say, okay, whether it feels good or not, whether it feels like I thought it would or not, that's beside the point.

是的

Yeah.

如果你把生活看作是一场体验，而不是为了快乐、为了达成目标，或为了任何其他目的，而纯粹是为了体验本身，那么你所处的每一个阶段都能带来积极的东西。

If you look at life like everything about life is for the experience, it's not for the purpose of being happy, it's not for the purpose of achieving the goal, it's not for the purpose of anything but the experience, then every chapter you're in can have something positive.

是的

Yeah.

也许这段经历让你学会如何结交新朋友。

And maybe the experience is learning that you can create new friends.

也许这段经历让你发现自己内心其实有着意想不到的力量。

Maybe the experience is learning that there's strength within you that you didn't realize.

也许对你来说，这段经历就是一句：哇。

Maybe the experience for you is, wow.

我真的很固执。

I'm really stubborn.

我得在这方面突破一下，不然就会错过生活的真意。

And I need to, like, have a breakthrough in that, or I miss out on life.

对。

Yeah.

而且我喜欢这第四个要点的地方在于，如果你什么都不改变，那一切都不会改变，这真的能帮你解答那个问题。

And what I love about this fourth takeaway is if you change nothing, nothing changes is it really helps you with that question.

是我自己的问题，还是环境的问题？

Is it me, or is it the situation?

因为如果你已经改变了，对。

Because if you've changed Yeah.

但局面其实一点都没变，你猜怎么着？

But nothing has changed about the situation, guess what?

是时候去改变这个局面了。

It's time to change the situation.

对。

Yeah.

这不能怪你。

It's not you.

该是时候离开了

It's time to get out of

是这所大学的问题。

It's the college.

是这份工作的问题。

It's the job.

我再举个例子。

It's the like, I have another example.

你最大的姐姐曾在一家大型跨国网络安全科技公司上班。

You know, your oldest sister worked for a massive multinational cybersecurity tech firm.

她在那儿待了三年，日子挺难熬的。

She was there for three years, and it was rough.

公司文化有点混合办公的风格。

It kinda had a company culture where they worked hybrid.

整个氛围特别偏技术导向。

It was super engineering.

那里非常国际化，而且员工普遍年纪比较大。

It was very, very, very international and a lot older employee base.

所以她刚二十岁开始职业生涯时，很难交到同龄朋友，跟同事也没什么生活上的交集。

And so as a 20 starting her career, she just was struggling to meet people her age, to have any kind of life with colleagues.

她当时真是拼尽了全力，百分之百投入。

And she poured herself 150% into it.

她也因此获得了晋升。

She got promotions.

她在公司里牵头成立了青年员工小组。

She started the young professionals group at the company.

她申请到了经费，用来给这个小组搞各种活动。

She got money to be able to do, you know, stuff for the group.

她拿到的奖金特别丰厚，绩效评级高达150%。

She got bonuses called like she threw 150%.

因为她之前没在大型企业工作过，所以根本不知道这种待遇有多好。

And because she had never had a corporate job, she had nothing to compare it to.

三年后，她彻底改变了一切。

At the end of three years, she changed everything.

她还是不喜欢那份工作。

She still didn't like it.

你猜怎么着？

Guess what?

你可以离开那份工作，因为我一点也不后悔。

You can leave that job knowing I have no regrets.

是的。

Yeah.

那是正确的决定。

That was the right decision.

对。

Yeah.

如果你在一段关系里发生了变化，不再拿它和过去比较，接纳了眼前的人，调整了自己的心态，变得开阔包容，并且在一段长期关系中坚持了一年，那你现在已经积累了大量经验。

If you're in a relationship and you've changed, and you've stopped comparing it, and you've accepted the person in front of you, and you've shifted your energy, and you're expansive, and you've done that for a year in a long term relationship, you've gotten now all this data.

你猜怎么着？

Guess what?

如果这都没能改变现状，那就该换一换你所处的环境了。

If that didn't change the situation, then it's time to change the situation you're in.

是的。

Yeah.

但我觉得，大多数时候，当你过一遍这个清单，你会发现你其实还没真正改变。

But I think more often than not, when you go through this checklist, what you're gonna see is that you haven't changed yet.

对。

Mhmm.

如果你自己没变，而外界也没变，那局面自然也不会变。

And if you haven't changed and nothing changes, then the situation isn't gonna change either.

是的。

Yeah.

你唯一能掌控的，就是你自己做出的改变。

And your only power is in the changes you make.

不管这能不能改变现状，我觉得都不重要。

And whether it changes the situation or not, I think is irrelevant.

我个人觉得，你开始喜欢大学这件事本身其实无关紧要。

I personally think it's irrelevant that you started loving college.

更重要的突破在于，你意识到：只要感到不开心，你就有能力调整自己的状态和表现。

The more important breakthrough here is you recognizing that at any moment that you're unhappy, you have agency to change things about how you're showing up.

对。

Yeah.

当你改变自己的表现时，你就在成长，就在重新认识自己。

And in changing how you show up, you change, you grow, you experience yourself differently.

而且大多数时候，这都会让局面变得更好。

And almost every time it changes the situation for the better.

但即使你因此发现，自己其实身处错误的环境，那也是一种了不起的转变。

But even if what it shows you is you're in the wrong situation, that's an amazing change too.

是的。

Yeah.

回过头看，我意识到一点，就是我有能力承受那种心烦意乱的不适感，而且我也能选择去采取行动，或者选择不行动。

I think one one thing looking back that I learned is that I I'm capable of living through the discomfort of being upset, and I'm capable of doing something about it or like not.

我能够带着那种悲伤和孤独感度过一年半的时间，期间什么也没做。

I was able to live through this sadness and loneliness for a year and a half, and do nothing about it.

而且

And

这让你感到害怕吗？

Does that scare you?

这让我挺害怕的，我是说，我不知道现在有多少人也在这么做，但我也觉得，我可能还能坚持更久，这点也让我感到害怕。

It really scares me because, I mean, I wonder how many people are currently doing that, but I also, I think I could have done it longer as well, which also scares me.

这真是让人吓得不轻。

Well, that scares the hell out

对。

of Yeah.

我不确定这算不算一个正确的看法。

And I don't know if that's a good take.

我觉得这个领悟还挺有价值的。

I think that's a decent takeaway to have to

说实话，我不觉得这是件好事。

know Well, that I don't know that it's a good thing.

但这是对你自己的一个重要洞察。

I think it's an important insight about yourself.

对。

Yeah.

你对不开心的承受力，其实是一种你具备的能力。

That your tolerance for unhappiness is something that is you have a capacity for that.

是的。

Yeah.

这并不意味着你应该对此掉以轻心。

That you It's not that you should take it seriously.

我觉得能意识到这一点很明智：我本可以更长时间地陷在痛苦里，因为我已经对它习以为常了。

I think it's a very wise insight to say, wow, I could have been miserable for a lot longer because I became very complacent around it.

是的。

Mhmm.

而且你说得特别准。

And very, like, right about it.

对。

Yeah.

这让我害怕，我居然能忍受那么久的痛苦。

And that scares me that I will allow myself to sit in misery for that long.

是的。

Yeah.

尤其是现在你知道，其实任何时候你都可以决定，再也不想过这样的生活。

Especially now that you know that you also have the ability at any point to decide that you don't wanna live like that anymore.

对。

Yeah.

下一个领悟就是，我完全有能力做出改变，珍惜当下，接纳自己的处境，并主动选择坚持下去。

That's the that's the next takeaway, is just that I'm fully capable of making that change and appreciating the place that I'm in and loving where I'm at and making those choices to see if I can hold on.

也许我该说说，用那个清单来检查一下。

Maybe I should say, like, using the checklist.

你知道我要说什么吗？

You know what gonna say?

是的。

Yeah.

当然可以。

Sure.

你可以随便做你想做的事。

You can do whatever

你想怎么做都行。

you want.

但现在你有了，那时候你还没有。

Well, now that you have it, you didn't have it then.

那时候我没有那个清单。

I did not have the checklist.