如何自信从容地沟通（来自哈佛商学院排名第一的教授）

他们觉得，对于自己非常亲近的人，不应该还需要提前规划话题。

They feel like they shouldn't need to plan topics for someone that they're very close to.

他们认为，一旦聚在一起，自然就知道该聊什么了。

They'll just know what to talk about once they're together.

我就是这样的。

I'm guilty of that.

是啊。

Yeah.

这很正常。

It's normal.

很多人都有这种感觉。

A lot of people feel that way.

所以我们就会问：你孩子怎么样？工作还顺利吗？最近怎么样？看

Which is why we then go, how are your kids and how is work and what's going Look

天气。

the weather.

是的。

Yes.

哦，我们来谈谈桌上这道开胃菜吧。

Oh, let's talk about the appetizer in front of us on this table.

我们倾向于抓住环境中触手可及、容易谈论的东西。

We tend to grab things that are right there in our environment that are easy to talk about.

好的。

Okay.

但这并不意味着这是该谈的话题。

But it doesn't mean it's the right thing to talk about.

这也不是最有趣的谈话内容。

It's not the most fun thing to talk about.

稍微提前想一想。

A little bit of forethought.

我们对此做过研究。

So we have research on this.

我们研究过，让一些人提前三十秒为对话 brainstorm 一些可能的话题。

We've studied, people who we ask to even spend thirty seconds, thirty seconds ahead of a conversation brainstorming possible topics that they could talk about.

然后我们让他们去进行对话，与那些直接走进来、像平常一样进行对话的人进行对比。

Then we let them go and have their conversation versus people who just walk in and have the conversation like you normally would have.

即使那些提前准备了三十秒的人最终没有提及这些话题，他们的对话也更好。

The people who have prepped even for thirty seconds, even if they don't end up raising those topics, their conversation is better.

更令人愉快。

It's more enjoyable.

更流畅。

It's more fluent.

你不会那么焦虑。

You're less anxious.

你知道那种恐慌的时刻吗？当你不确定，觉得对话变得无聊，需要换话题，但你却不知道该说什么。

You know those little panicky moments when you're not sure, you know that something's getting boring and you need to switch, but you don't

知道

know

是的。

where Yes.

这种情况不会再发生了。

To That doesn't happen anymore.

你脑子里随时都有备选话题，就像放在口袋里一样。

You've got options like in your back pocket, in your mind.

哦，没错。

Oh, yeah.

如果出现冷场，我需要记得问问他们家孩子参加冰球选拔的事。

If there's a lag, I need to remember to ask about their kid who'd had tried out for the hockey team.

对吧？

Right?

所以你总有个备选话题，用来应对那些紧张的时刻。

So you've always got an option, a backup plan for the panicky moments.

结果发现，这也能让对话变得愉快得多。

Turns out, it makes the conversation much more enjoyable as well.

你往往会更频繁地切换话题，并且更有可能谈到所有参与者都感兴趣的内容。

You tend to switch topics a little more frequently, and you're more likely to land on things that are mutually interesting to everybody involved.

所以，如果现在听的人非常内向，是的。

So if the person listening right now is super introverted Yeah.

非常害羞，而且他们现在因为‘我得想出话题’这个想法而恐慌，如果你觉得这对你来说不会自然发生，最好的帮助方式是什么？

Very shy, and they're now having a panic attack about this idea of I gotta come with topics, what is the best way to help you become good at doing this if you don't think that this is gonna come naturally to you?

完全对。

Totally.

我认为第一件事是别恐慌。

I think the first thing is don't have a panic attack.

这可能是你作为内向者一生中添加的最棒的工具。

This might be the greatest tool that you've ever added to your arsenal as an introvert in your life.

因为内向者在社交场合感到恐慌的很大原因，就是不知道该说什么。

Because so much of why introverts feel panicked once they're in social situations is that they don't know what to say.

他们真的不想面对这些困难的时刻。

They don't really want to approach these difficult moments.

提前准备一些话题能缓解所有这些压力。

Having some topics prepped eases all of that.

一旦你亲身体验到提前准备话题的神奇效果，你就会想：天啊，就是它了。

And once you experience the magic of topic prep in action, you're like, oh my god, this is it.

我这辈子早就该这么做。

I should have been doing this my whole life.

大多数情况下，你知道自己一天会见到谁。

For the most part, you know who you're gonna see in a day.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你可能知道具体的人是谁，比如你的孩子、配偶，以及那群同事。

You might know the specific people, whether it's your kids and your spouse and then the this set of colleagues.

知道你要见谁，意味着你可以为每个人个性化地准备话题。

Knowing who you're gonna see means that you can prep topics for all of them in a personalized way.

所以，给我讲讲你的一天吧。

So walk me through the day.

嗯。

Yeah.

好的。

Okay.

所以我们来过一遍这一天。

So we're going through the day.

你醒来。

You wake up.

你在孩子们上校车前见到他们。

You see your kids before they get on the school bus.

嗯。

Uh-huh.

你和你的配偶交谈。

And you're talking to your spouse.

你可以提前想好，我的每个孩子今天都在做什么？

You can think about ahead of time, what are each of my kids doing today?

他们的痛点是什么？

Where what are their pain points?

他们可能对什么感到兴奋？

What are they probably feeling excited about?

他们担心什么？

What are they nervous about?

他们的生活中正在发生什么？

What's going on in their life?

他们在学校有乐队吗？

Do they have band at school?

而不是仅仅说：记得带你的小号。

Instead of just being like, remember your trumpet.

你可以问：乐队怎么样？

You could be like, you know, how is band?

最近怎么样？

What's going on?

当你参加乐队时，感觉如何？

When you're in band, how do feel?

你对它有什么期待？

What are you looking forward to about it?

对吧？

Right?

比如，那样会有趣得多，确实如此。

Like, get that's gonna be so much more That's true.

比只是说‘别忘了带你的小号’，然后匆匆出门要有趣得多。

Interesting than just like, don't don't forget your trumpet and then rush out the door.

然后你去上班，你的同事比较安静，你可以和同事聊什么话题？

Then you get to work and your colleague who's kinda quiet, what's a topic that you could bring up with a colleague?

随便什么都行。

Anything.

我的意思是，这取决于同事。

I mean, it depends on the colleague.

对吧？

Right?

想象一下，你有一个你很喜欢的同事，你在关心他们的生活。

Let's imagine that it's a colleague that you love and you were thinking about their life.

他们刚有了一个孩子。

They just had a new child.

我的意思是，问问情况怎么样。

I mean, ask about how that's going.

你知道，生个孩子是一件既创伤又重大的事情。

You know, having a new child is a traumatic and dramatic thing.

情况怎么样？

How's it going?

你换了这么多尿布吗？

Are you changing so many diapers?

随便吧。

Whatever.

或者他们上周做了个重要的演示，你知道的。

Or they had a big you know they had a big presentation last week.

结果怎么样？

How did it go?

有什么好的地方？

What was good about it?

有什么困难的？

What was hard?

有什么我能帮你的吗

Anything I can help you

在这上面？

with on it?

现在给我一个关于我爸妈的例子，因为我总是和他们聊同样的对话。

Now give me one from my mom and dad because I have the same conversation with them over and over and over.

怎么样？

How'd it go?

你做了什么？

What'd you do?

高尔夫打得怎么样？

How was golf?

今晚你有什么安排？

What are you doing tonight?

你知道吗？

You know what?

我妹妹最近为我父母做了一件特别棒的事。

So my my sister just did the most amazing thing with my for my parents.

她实际上用ChatGPT来帮他们准备话题。

She actually, used ChatGPT to ask to prep topics with them.

你怎么做到的？

How do you do that?

所以她向ChatGPT输入了内容。

So she she typed in to ChatGPT.

她就说：你觉得那些住在纽约上州、七十多岁、有九个孙辈的人，希望我问他们什么样的问题？

She was like, what do you think people who live in Upstate New York in their seventies who have nine grandchildren, what are the types of questions that they want me to ask them?

什么？

What?

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

因为你知道，互联网比我们个人更了解这个年龄段和地域的人群。

Because, you know, the Internet knows that demographic better than we as individuals could possibly know that demographic.

我都能听见听的人在那儿嗒、嗒、嗒、嗒、嗒地敲击键盘，

I can literally hear the person listening tap, tap, tap, tap, tap,

每个人的生活，你都可以用它来准备话题。

tap, tap about everybody in their life.

你生活中每个人，你都可以用它来准备话题。

Everyone in your life, you could use it to prep topics.

你甚至可以问：查蒂普蒂，你觉得那个因为这个原因不太喜欢我的同事会怎么想？

You could even say, chattypty, what do you think this colleague who doesn't really like me because of this reason?

我们曾经因为这件事吵过一架，现在他们生我的气了。

We got in an argument once about this thing and now they're mad at me.

他们希望我怎么做？

What would they want me to do?

如果有的话，他们想和我聊些什么？

What would they wanna talk about with me if anything?

这太疯狂了。

It's wild.

你知道吗，你真的很聪明。

Know, you're really smart.

你应该考虑开一门关于这个的课。

You should consider teaching a class on this.

更好沟通的谈话框架的第二部分是什么？

What is the second part of the talk framework for communicating better?

嗯。

Yeah.

所以A代表提问。

So a is for asking.

K。

K.

嗯。

Yeah.

多问些问题。

Ask more questions.

问更好的问题。

Ask better questions.

你现在让我慌了，因为我并不

Now you're making me panic because I don't

知道我的问题会不会更好。

know if my question's gonna be better.

什么是更好的问题？

What is a better question?

你本身就是一个很棒的问题回答者。

You're already a great question answer.

我的意思是，你看，你已经准备好了话题。

I mean, look, you've prepped topics.

是的。

Yes.

而且你问了这么多问题。

And you're asking so many questions.

我们已经有一个很好的开始了，梅尔。

We're already off to a great start, Mel.

所以有趣的是，你可能会注意到一个模式：在每一次对话中，一旦你进入其中，就会感到非常压倒性。

So what's so funny is a pattern that you might pick up on here is that in every conversation, once you're in it, it's very overwhelming.

你需要做出大量的选择。

There's a you're making tons of choices.

你正在努力倾听对方在说什么。

You're trying to listen to what the other person is saying.

你正在努力理解它。

You're trying to process it.

你还在尝试完成一个小小的创意任务：如何想出一些有趣的话来回应他们。

You're trying to do this tiny creativity task of how do I come up with something interesting to say back to them.

这对你的大脑来说真的很吃力。

That's really hard on your brain.

这需要大量的认知努力。

That's a lot of cognitive effort.

所以，任何在对话前能提前做的准备，比如话题准备，都会有帮助。

So anything you can do ahead of the conversation, like topic prep is helpful.

在对话过程中使用的任何技巧也会有帮助。

And any sort of trick that you can have during the conversation can also be helpful.

这就是为什么提问是一种超能力。

And that's why asking questions is such a superpower.

你不需要提前准备。

You don't need to have prepped it ahead of time.

你只需要倾听伴侣在说什么，然后对此提出问题。

All you need to do is listen to what your partner is saying and ask about it.

多问一些关于它的内容。

Ask more about it.

那么，如何

Well, how

更好地提问或多提问如何增进联系并提升你的沟通能力？

can asking better questions or asking more questions improve connection and make you better communicating?

我们无法理解他人的观点，是阻碍冲突管理和建立联系的巨大障碍。

Our inability to understand other people's perspectives is a huge barrier to conflict management and connection.

解决这个问题的良方就是提问。

The antidote to that is question asking.

它能直接将你脑海中的想法传达给我。

It is a direct pathway to get what's in your head out of your head and share it with me.

在我的课堂上，我们做一个叫做‘无尽追问’的练习。

In my class, we do an exercise called never ending follow-up questions.

哎呀。

Uh-oh.

你想试试吗？

Do you wanna try?

我感觉我们马上就要做了。

I have a feel like we're about to do this.

是的。

Yes.

你想试试吗？

Do you wanna try it?

是的。

Yes.

好的。

Okay.

我会提问，你来回答，然后我们可以交换角色。

I'll ask questions and you answer and then maybe we can switch roles.

好的。

Okay.

好的。

Okay.

梅尔，你今天早上吃了什么早餐？

Mel, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

一杯奶昔。

A smoothie.

哦，你的奶昔里有什么？

Oh, what was in your smoothie?

里面有这种蛋白粉，一点蜂蜜，两个我们挤出汁的柠檬，还有一些水，然后搅一搅，一饮而尽。

It was this protein powder and a little bit of honey and two lemons that that we squeeze and then some water and then zip zip it up and then slurp it down.

听起来真健康。

That sounds so healthy.

如果你的理想早餐，会是这种蛋白奶昔吗？

If you had your dream breakfast, would it be this protein smoothie?

你理想中的早餐会有什么？

What would be in your dream breakfast?

这要看是哪一天。

It depends on the day.

我这个人有点挑剔，但‘挑剔’这个词不太准确。

I'm a very kind of picky is the wrong word.

我是那种会根据心情来吃东西的人。

I'm the kind of person that I eat based on my mood.

所以有些早晨，我的理想早餐是炒蛋、牛油果和泡菜。

So some mornings dream breakfast would be scrambled eggs, avocado, kimchi.

另一天，可能就是这杯奶昔了。

Another day, it might be the smoothie.

还有些日子，

Another day,

可能是别的东西。

it might be something else.

太棒了。

Amazing.

所以你喜欢变化。

So you like variety.

你觉得这种每天对变化的需求是从哪里来的？

Where do you think that like need for variety comes from every day?

为什么你会满足于每天都吃同样的东西呢？

Why would you be happy having the same thing

得跟你分享一下我的感受。

gotta every share how I feel

当我做时，告诉我你怎么样。

when I'm doing Tell me how you're doing it.

告诉我进展如何。

Tell me how it's going.

这太神奇了，因为我知道你真的很有兴趣。

It's amazing because I can tell you're really interested.

所以每当你问一个问题，我都会想，哦，她真的对我早餐的内容感兴趣，我的早餐非常有趣。

And so as every question you ask, I'm like, oh, she's really interested in what I have for oh, my breakfast is very interesting.

因此，你正在展示这句话：要想有趣，先对别人感兴趣。

And so you're demonstrating that saying in order to be interesting, be interested in somebody else.

没错。

Exactly.

而且你知道，我们都知道，我正在做一件非常极端的事情。

And you know, we both know, we have this common knowledge that I'm doing this very extreme thing.

每次我刚说完，我都会接着问一个跟进的问题。

I'm asking a follow-up question every time I talked just then.

是的。

Yes.

这听起来太极端了。

That sounds so extreme.

这听起来问了很多问题。

That sounds like a lot of questions.

而且我的一些学生会说，这难道不是一种操纵吗？

And it also some of my students are like, isn't this manipulative?

如果你知道你就要这么做，这会不会削弱我们的真实性？

If you know that that's what you're gonna do, doesn't that undermine our authenticity?

对方真的会感觉你想要了解他们的早餐吗？

Do is the other person gonna actually feel like you wanna learn about their breakfast?

我会说，朋友们，即使你知道自己在这么做，我依然非常在意。

And I'm like, guys, even if you know that's what you're doing, I still really care.

我真的很想听你讲讲你的早餐、你的习惯，以及你喜欢什么。

I really wanna hear about your breakfast and your habits and what you what you like.

这只是一个小小的引导，让你做得更好一点。

It's just a nudge to do it a little bit better.

如果

What if

你非常擅长提问，但你有没有注意到，你和大多数人交谈时，他们从不问你任何关于你的问题？

you get really good at asking questions and you notice most people you talk to never ask you a question about you?

听好了，我们都

Listen, we've all

经历过那种约会，梅尔。

been on that date, Mel.

我们都和那些我们称之为ZQ的人约会过。

We've all been on a date with we call these people ZQs.

ZQ？

ZQs?

零提问者。

Zero questions.

提问者。

Questioners.

我希望，也是我想对听众说的：不要在一场对话结束时一句提问都没问过。

My hope and what I wanna say to the people listening is don't leave a conversation having asked zero questions.

但如果你是那个一直倾听别人的人，该怎么办呢？

But what do you do if

那你是不是一直在为别人付出？

you're the one who's just poured into somebody else?

是啊。

Yeah.

然后对方却一点反应都没有？

And that it's like crickets?

是啊。

Yeah.

正如生活中的所有事情一样，你无法控制别人在对话中做什么。

Well, as in all things in life, you don't have control over what other people do in a conversation.

但你可以反思自己能控制的部分，比如，试着转向一个他们更可能向你提问的新话题。

Reflecting about what you do have control over, like, okay, well, let's try and shift to a new topic that maybe they're more likely to ask me a question.

也许我们可以转向某个你有专长、他们也知道你有专长的领域。

Maybe we shift to something where you have some expertise and they know you have expertise.

所以他们应该会更多地向你提问，问你问题。

So they should ask you even more that you have, ask you questions.

所以你不应该回敬一些侮辱性的话，或者像哈佛商学院教的那种拐弯抹角的奉承话？

So you shouldn't like say something insulting back or there's no back handed compliment that you're teaching in at Harvard Business School to say to somebody?

我知道。

I know.

我知道。

I I know.

那是个玩笑，但确实烦得要命。

That was kind of a joke, but it's it is annoying as hell though.

真的很烦。

It's really annoying.

真的很烦。

It's really annoying.

我想你只是说要心里记一下。

I guess you're just saying make a mental note.

我的意思是，回到约会这个情境中。

I mean, when you and in the context let's go back to this context of dating.

如果你和某人约会，他们整个约会、两次完整约会、三次完整约会，却根本不问你任何问题。

If you're on a date with somebody, they go a whole date, two whole dates, three whole dates, not asking you much at all.

这可能是你不再继续和他们约会的正当理由。

That could be a legitimate reason to not keep dating them.

那为什么还要继续呢？

Well, why would you?

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，如果两次约会后，他们连一个问题都没问过你。

Mean If after two dates, they don't ask you a single question.

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，我觉得这是个巨大的危险信号。

I mean, I think that's a gigantic red flag.

我中途离开了那次约会

I left a date

有一次，约会进行了大约二十分钟，我就离开了，因为

in the middle after like twenty minutes once because

你也会这么做吗？

you do that?

我借口去洗手间。

I I excused myself to the bathroom.

我看着镜子里的自己，心想：这根本不可能成功。

I looked right into the mirror, and I was like, this is never gonna work.

你不可能和一个人共度余生，而这个人仅仅二十分钟内就让你感到愤怒，因为他对你毫无兴趣。

I can't be with someone for the rest you can't be with someone for the rest of your life who within twenty minutes has made you feel infuriated that they're not interested in you.

于是，就这样结束了。

And so that was that.

我们都想知道，布鲁克斯教授，当你走回桌子时，你说了什么？

And we all wanna know, professor Brooks, when you walked back to the table, what did you say?

嗯。

Yeah.

我说这挺好的。

I said this was really nice.

我们会再联系的。

We'll follow-up.

祝你好运。

Good luck.

我就直接走了。

And I just I left.

我后来确实给他发了消息，也给了他反馈，因为我说，你知道吗，他一点都没问起我的事，这让我有点沮丧。

I did text him later, and I did give him the feedback because I did say, you know, I really was was it a little frustrating that he didn't ask me anything about myself.

我通常不会对别人这么做，但那次我觉得他真的需要知道。

I don't usually do that with people, but in that case, it just seemed like he really needed to know.

那他怎么说？

And what did he say?

我想他当时说，哦，我很抱歉。

I think he was like, oh, I'm so sorry.

至少他

Well, at least he

说了点什么。

said something.

没错。

Exactly.

哇。

Wow.

但还是没问任何问题，梅尔。

Still no question though, Mel.

但既然这是你的专业领域，你对这种情况了解多少？

But based on the fact that this is your area of expertise, what do you know about those situations?

嗯。

Yeah.

你身边有些人，无论是家人、同事、上司还是朋友，从来不会关心你的情况。

Where you're either have a family member or you have a colleague or a boss or a friend that actually never asks anything about you.

是的。

Yeah.

根据研究和你的经验，你如何解读这种情况呢？

Based on the research and your experience, what is the kind interpretation Yeah.

这种状况该怎么理解呢？

Of that situation?

是的。

Yeah.

人们不问问题的原因有很多，并不全是不感兴趣。

There's a lot that holds people back from asking questions and it's not all disinterest.

好的。

Okay.

有时候，这又是出于自我中心。

Sometimes it's it's again, this self centeredness.

有些人甚至根本想不到要提问，因为他们太专注于自己，专注于自己脑海中的事，以及自己能分享和让你惊叹的内容。

They so there are some people who don't even think to ask questions because they're so focused on themselves and what's going on in their own mind and what they can share and dazzle you with.

但另一些时候，人们意识到他们应该提问，却因为害怕而难以做到。

Other times though, people realize they should be asking questions and they struggle to do it because they're afraid.

他们害怕过于侵入他人隐私。

They're afraid of being too intrusive.

他们害怕问出的问题会让自己显得无能，好像本该早就知道答案一样。

They're afraid that they ask something that it'll makes them look incompetent, like they should already know the answer.

这些恐惧通常都是多余的。

And these fears are usually misplaced.

但这些恐惧确实阻碍了人们提出问题。

But those fears do hold people back from asking questions.

明白了。

Got it.

这是一种相当体贴的解读。

That is a kind interpretation.

是的，没错。

Yes, it is.

这真是个绝佳的时机，让我们稍作暂停，听一下我们杰出赞助商的广告。

This feels like a great place to hit the pause button real quick so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors.

请别走开，布鲁克斯教授还有很多关于沟通科学的知识要教给我们，短暂休息后我们继续深入探讨。

Don't go anywhere because Professor Brooks has so much more to teach you and me about the science of communication and we're gonna dig into it after a short break.

请继续关注。

Stay with us.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

很高兴你在这里，并抽出时间聆听这段内容。

I'm so glad you're here and that you are taking the time to listen to this.

我们现在正在学习哈佛最受欢迎的课程之一，主题是沟通的科学。

We are getting the crash course in one of the most popular classes at Harvard all about the science of communication.

那么，布鲁克斯教授，倾听在您的四部分框架中处于什么位置？

So professor Brooks, where does listening fall into your four part framework?

我们已经讨论了话题选择和提问，但倾听呢？

Because we've talked about topic selection and asking questions, but what about listening?

是的。

Yeah.

很有趣的是，这个框架被称为‘谈话’，而倾听才是将一切维系在一起的粘合剂。

It's funny that this framework is called talk because listening is the glue that holds it all together.

它极其重要。

It's so very important.

我知道你有注意力方面的问题。

I know that you have attention challenges.

我也有注意力方面的问题。

I also have attention challenges.

事实证明，大多数人都有注意力方面的挑战。

Turns out most humans have attention challenges.

我们的大脑在静息状态下处于心神游离的状态。

Our minds our resting state of our minds is in a mind wandering mode.

因此，对话要求我们持续地将游离的思绪集中在另一个人身上，这极其具有挑战性。

And so the demand of conversation to try and focus our wandering minds on another person continuously for a whole conversation is incredibly challenging.

这需要付出大量努力。

It takes a lot of hard work.

有些人在这方面比其他人更擅长。

Some people are better at it than others.

但如果你努力投入与某人的交流，即使你的思绪在游离，你也应该为此得到认可。

But if you put in that hard work to be engaged with somebody, even while your mind is wandering, you should get credit for it.

在我们的研究中，我们探讨了如何为良好的倾听获得认可。

And in our research, we've studied the ways that you can get credit for your good listening.

你所说的‘获得认可’是什么意思？

By get credit, what do you mean?

我的意思是，你希望对方知道你确实听到了他们的话。

So get credit meaning you want your partner to know that you've that you've heard them.

天啊。

Oh god.

我觉得你正置身于我的婚姻之中。

I feel like you're in the middle of my marriage.

因为我和我丈夫聊天时，我经常做别的事，于是就背对着他，这种情况已经发生过无数次了。

Because I can't tell you how many times I've been in a conversation with my husband and I'm doing something, so I turn my back on him.

嗯。

Yeah.

然后他就会问：你在听我说吗？

And he's like, are you listening to me?

然后我就一字不差地复述他刚说的话。

And then I parrot back word for word what he just said.

很好。

Good.

然后我们就陷入一种小争执，他说：我不是问你有没有听到我。

And then we get into this little thing where he's like, I didn't ask if you heard me.

我问你有没有在听，是因为我觉得你根本没在听。

I asked if you're listening because I don't feel like you are.

好的。

Okay.

我们来分解一下‘倾听’。

Let's break down listening.

这非常普遍。

This is so this is incredibly common.

明白吗？

Okay?

好吧。

Okay.

倾听分为三个步骤。

So listening is three steps.

第一步是听到并看到你的伴侣。

The first step is hearing and seeing your partner.

对方给你的一切线索——他们的言语、声音的语调、非语言行为，所有通过你的眼睛和耳朵接收到的信息，这就是倾听的物理层面。

All of the cues that the person is giving to you, their words, the sound of their voice, their nonverbal behaviors, everything that comes in through your eyes and ears, that's the sort of physical part of listening.

然后你的大脑进行第二步，即我会思考我所听到和看到的一些内容。

Then your brain does step two, which is I'm gonna think about some of the stuff that I'm hearing and seeing.

我会在脑海中对这些内容进行延伸和展开。

I'm gonna elaborate on it in my mind.

第三步是对话所独有的一个环节，即我可以向你反馈，让你知道我听到了，并且认真思考了。

Step three is this unique thing that's offered by conversation, which is I can show back to you that I heard you and that I was thinking about it.

明白吗？

Okay?

这就是我们获得认可的方式。

And that's how we get our credit.

这就是你获得认可的方式。

And that's how you get our credit.

因此，数十年来关于积极倾听的研究主要集中在非语言层面。

So the decades of research on active listening have mostly focused on nonverbal.

你背对着丈夫，这让他觉得你没有在听他说话，因为你的非语言行为与你内心的想法不一致。

So the fact that you turned your back on your husband makes him feel like you're not listening to him because your nonverbals were sort of incongruent with what was going on in your mind.

没错。

Correct.

明白吗？

Okay?

所以他可能会想：如果你真的愿意花力气认真听我说话，那为什么还要背对着我呢？

So he's sort of like, well, if you're gonna put in the hard work to actually listen to me, like, why don't turn your back on me?

这让我觉得你根本不在乎我说的话。

That makes me feel like you're not, you don't care about what I'm saying.

嗯。

Mhmm.

好的。

Okay.

几十年来，人们一直专注于这些非语言线索：保持眼神交流、点头、微笑、面对对方、与对方交谈时身体前倾。

So many decades of focus on these nonverbal cues, making eye contact, nodding, smiling, facing someone, leaning forward as you're talking to them.

这都很好。

That's all great.

这就像倾听入门课。

That's like listening one zero one.

明白吗？

Alright?

所以别背对

So don't turn

你的丈夫

your back

如果你在听的话，而且要

on your husband if you're listening And to

我肯定不会在我们谈话时转椅子。

I'm definitely not gonna swivel this chair while we're talking.

没错。

Exactly.

我们可以试试。

We could try it.

但更高级一点的倾听二零一课，是用你的话来向对方表明你听到了他们。

But the listening two zero one, sort of more advanced, is using your words to show someone that you've heard them.

所以，虽然点头、微笑和面对对方这些动作可以伪装。

So while nodding and smiling and facing someone can be faked.

对吧？

Right?

即使你面对着你的丈夫，你也可能一边点头微笑，一边根本没在听他说话。

Even if you were facing your husband, you could have been nodding and smiling and not listening to him.

是的。

Yeah.

你能一字不差地复述他的话，他应该会非常高兴。

The fact that you were able to repeat back exactly what he said, he should be thrilled.

对吧？

Right?

真的是在认真听他说话。

Like, really were listening to him.

嗯，你能复述出来，但你当时的非语言信号并没有让他感到被理解。

Well And you were able to repeat it back, but you didn't make him feel heard in that moment with your with your nonverbal cues.

嗯。

Yeah.

因为语气带着讽刺。

Because the tone of voice was snarky.

我听到了你所说的每一句话。

I heard everything that you said.

所以，嗯。

So Uh-huh.

这确实是我的问题。

That was bad on me.

这是其中一部分。

That's part of it.

嗯。

Yep.

这是其中一部分。

That's part of it.

但用你自己的话表达真的很重要。

But this using your words is really important.

所以最好的倾听往往是通过语言表达的。

So the best listening often is spoken.

它包括复述对方对你说过的话。

It includes repeating back what someone has said to you.

它还可以通过认可或肯定对方及其感受来实现，比如说：‘我听出来你对这件事有点难过。’

It can be in validating or affirming them and their feelings, saying like, oh, I'm hearing that you sound a bit little bit sad about that.

你因为没在学校戏剧中获得角色而感到难过，这是很正常的。

It makes sense that you would feel sad about whatever, the fact that you didn't win the role in the school play.

只是说‘你对某事有某种感受，这是很合理的’，这是你能对他人说的最有力量的语句之一。

Just saying that, it makes sense that you feel X about Y is one of the most powerful phrases that you can say to another person.

我听到同事们在工作中常说的一句最有力量的话是：我听到你说的是这个。

Well, one of the most powerful things that I hear my colleagues say at work is, what I heard you say is this.

嗯。

Yeah.

接下来我要这么做。

And this is what I'm gonna do.

嗯。

Yeah.

对吗？

Is that right?

嗯。

Yeah.

我一听到这句话，就立刻觉得：天啊，被听到了。

And then the second I hear that, I'm like, oh my gosh, heard.

嗯。

Yeah.

这完全正确。

It's it's exactly right.

所以他们在确认。

So they're they're affirming.

他们在认可你所说的话。

They're acknowledging what you said.

他们在确认你所说的话。

They're affirming what you said.

他们也在检查以确保自己明确理解了你的意思。

They're also checking to make sure they've understood you explicitly.

语言学家称之为接地。

Linguists call this grounding.

这是确保你们的共同理解确实是共享且准确的。

It's making sure that your shared understanding actually is shared and it's accurate.

如果不够准确，它会给你机会去修正、纠正，说：哦，这其实不是我的本意。

And if it's not accurate, it gives you the opportunity to repair it, to correct it and say, oh, that's not actually what I meant.

我的意思是这样。

What I meant was this.

我们在与他人交谈时，一直在进行这种检查和修正的过程。

And we're constantly doing that checking and repairing process while we talk to other people.

所以，倾听真的非常有力量。

And so speaking your listening is so powerful.

跟进问题也起到同样的作用。

Follow-up questions do the same thing.

只有在你听清楚了他们说的话之后，才能进行跟进。

You can only follow-up if you've heard what they said before.

没错。

True.

复述。

Paraphrasing.

如果你在一群人中，其他几个人已经说了些什么，你可以说：好吧，我听到的是，我认为我们整个团队都觉得想要玩得开心，但同时也需要做出这个艰难的决定。

If you're in a group and a couple other people have said something, you can say, okay, what I'm hearing here is, I think we as a group feel like we wanna have fun, but we also need to make this hard decision.

对吗？

Is that right?

所以在团队情境中，总结前面的人说过的话是另一种方式。

So just kind of summarizing what people before you have said is another way of doing it in the sort of group context.

太棒了。

Amazing.

是的。

Yeah.

既然您在哈佛商学院任教，我很想请您解释一下这为什么重要。

Since you teach us at Harvard Business School, I would love for you to just explain why this matters.

是的。

Yeah.

因为倾听似乎只是为了与人建立联系，但它在工作中是一项非常重要的技能。

Because it may seem as though listening is important just to be able to connect with people, But it's a really important skill at work.

没错。

Yeah.

因为如果你在开会时，突然有个人总结了他们听到的所有内容。

Because if you're in a meeting and somebody all of a sudden is summarizing everything that they heard.

嗯。

Yeah.

你会转过头去看他

You turn and look

看着那个人，或者想，这个人真有分量。

at that person or like, oh, that person's powerful.

嗯。

Yeah.

那么，我们到目前为止讨论的这些技能——话题选择、积极倾听以展现理解——如何转化为更大的权威和影响力，无论是在工作、家庭还是友谊中。

And so how does the skills that we've talked about so far, topic selection, asking this active listening that demonstrates something translate to more authority and influence, whether it's at work or it's in your home or it's in a friendship.

嗯。

Yeah.

真正的权力、权威和影响力就来源于此。

This is where real power and authority and influence come from.

当我们想到那些有魅力且有能力的人时，他们就是在这么做。

When When we think of people who are charismatic and competent, this is what they're doing.

他们真的在倾听。

They are actually listening.

他们付出艰苦的努力去倾听他人。

They're putting in the hard work to listen to other people.

他们付出艰苦的努力去思考，然后把想法说出来。

They're putting in the hard work to think about it, and then they are saying it out loud.

他们会说：哇，我真听到了你说的，感觉你可能对这件事有些焦虑。

They are saying, wow, I really heard you say this, and it seemed like you maybe feel anxious about this thing.

你能多跟我讲讲吗？

Can you tell me more about that?

仅仅能做到这一点就已经非常了不起了。

Just being able to do that is incredible.

当我们谈论人际交往情境时，这正是能力的体现。

It that is sort of the found what competence is when we're talking about interpersonal contexts.

真的太对了。

It's so true.

所以，谈话的四部分框架中，L是什么？

So the four part framework of talk, what is L?

L是轻松幽默，梅尔。

L is levity, Mel.

谢天谢地。

Thank goodness.

轻松幽默包括幽默的时刻，但也包括温暖的非幽默时刻。

It's levity, and levity includes moments of humor, but also unfunny moments of warmth.

而轻松幽默是消除无聊的良方。

And levity is the antidote for boredom.

为什么幽默是你想提升沟通能力时如此强大的工具？

Why is humor such a powerful tool if you wanna be better at communicating?

是的。

Yeah.

听好了。

Listen.

当我们想到那些失控或不顺利的对话时，很容易想到那些看起来愤怒、敌对、有冲突或分歧的对话。

When we think of conversations that have gone off the rails or have not gone well, it's very easy to think of conversations that seemed angry or hostile or there was conflict or disagreement.

嗯。

Mhmm.

因为这太明显了。

Because it's so obvious.

比如，你们在互相大喊大叫。

Like, you're yelling at each other.

你们在争吵。

You're arguing.

是啊。

Yeah.

但比冲突更常见、也更隐蔽地摧毁对话的，是无聊和心不在焉。

But what is a quieter killer of conversation and probably more common than conflict is boredom and disengagement.

我们对彼此说的话并不感兴趣。

We're not interested in what we're saying to each other.

一旦任何一方变得不感兴趣，就无法建立良好的连接。

And as soon as either person becomes disinterested, you can't have that good connection.

你再也无法取得进展了。

You can't make progress anymore.

而幽默感，这些短暂的闪亮与活力时刻，能将我们重新拉回对话中。

And levity, these fleeting moments of sparkle and fizz, they pull us back in.

它们能消除无聊。

They they fix the boredom.

闪亮与活力。

Sparkle and fizz.

你如何创造这种氛围？

How do you create that?

因为你有一些非常有趣的研究，表明自嘲确实是一种非常有力的做法。

Because you have some really interesting research about how making fun of yourself really is a powerful thing to do.

你能为我们分享一下这项研究吗？

Can you can you share a bit of this research for us?

可以。

Yes.

可以。

Yes.

这是人们经常思考的问题。

So this is something people think about all the time.

我应该取笑自己吗？

Should I should I make fun of myself?

这样做会让事情变得更有趣、更搞笑吗？

Will that make things feel more fun and funny?

你可以以一种方式来做，用一种自嘲幽默的方式来表达。

So you can do it in a way you can deliver it in a way that it's like self deprecating humor.

你在取笑自己。

You're making fun of yourself.

你也可以以一种完全不搞笑的方式来做，但你在分享完整的自己。

You can also do it in a way that's not funny at all, but you're sharing your whole self.

对吧？

Right?

你不仅谈论自己的成功，还分享了在通往成功道路上遇到的失败和挣扎。

You're not just talking about your successes, but also, the failures and struggles that you encountered on your pathway to success.

对于那些已经拥有高地位、有权势、受人尊敬、被认为有能力的领导者来说，这是一种特别有效的策略。

This is a particularly effective strategy for people who already have high status, who are powerful, who are respected, who are known as competent, for leaders.

这是一种向所有人表明：嘿，看吧，我也和你们一样。

It's a way to say to everybody, hey, look, I'm like you too.

我是一个普通人。

I'm a human being.

我并不是每件事都做得对。

I'm I don't do this thing right.

这是我在通往成功路上收到的一些负面反馈。

Here's some negative feedback that I got on my way to success.

这非常非常有力。

It's so, so powerful.

对于地位较低的人而言，使用自嘲幽默或展示失败更有风险，为什么？

It is riskier for people who are low status to use self deprecating humor or Why?

或者展示他们的失败。

To Or to reveal their failures.

当你地位较低时，你能选择的、会被他人认可的方式范围更窄。

When you're low status, you have a narrower range of options available to you that will be seen.

人们可能会开始质疑你的能力。

People might actually start to question your competence.

哦。

Oh.

这就是为什么地位低感觉如此局限和束缚。

And that's why being low status feels so limiting and so constraining.

那么，作为

So how do you, as

哈佛商学院教授，您是如何定义低地位的？

a Harvard Business School professor, define low status?

因为我觉得，如果我们打开人们的头脑，会发现很多人对自己非常苛刻，完全如此。

Because I I would imagine if we cracked open people's heads, a lot of people are so punishing to themselves Totally.

他们因为自我怀疑而认为自己地位低下。

That they believe that they have a low status based on self doubt.

但您说的是哪种情况呢？

But what are you talking about?

对于学者而言，地位被定义为他人眼中的喜爱、尊重和声望。

So status for scholars is defined as liking and respect and prestige in the eyes of other people.

好的。

Okay.

对吗？

Okay?

所以，是别人是否喜欢我、是否尊重我？

So it's liking and do people respect me?

这里有个好消息，梅尔。

There's really good news here, Mel.

好的。

Okay.

每个群体都有一种地位等级。

Which is every group has a sort of status hierarchy.

明白吗？

Okay?

人们很容易就能分辨出谁地位高、谁地位低、谁居中。

People pretty easily know who's high status, who's low status, who's in the middle.

但好消息是，这种地位变化的频率远超你的想象。

But the good news is it changes much more frequently than you think.

它不仅在一次对话或一个场合到另一个场合之间变化，还会在每一个话题之间变化。

It changes not only from one conversation or one place to the next, it changes from one topic to the next.

所以，想象你在一个群体中，正在参加一场会议。

So imagine you're in a group, you're having a meeting.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你在谈论一个你完全不了解的话题。

You're talking about something you don't know anything about.

嗯。

Mhmm.

在这个话题上你地位较低，而房间里可能有一些喧闹的专家。

You're low status on that topic, and there might be some raucous experts in the room.

这让人感到害怕。

That's intimidating.

你会想，我该怎么参与进来？

And you're like, how can I contribute to this?

这是一种糟糕的感觉。

It's a terrible feeling.

你觉得自己被忽视和边缘化了。

You feel invisible and marginalized.

嗯。

Yep.

突然间，话题转向了讨论：我们是否应该更新产假政策？

All of a sudden, the conversation shifts to talking about, oh, should we update our maternity leave policy?

而突然间，如果你是房间里唯一的女性，你就一下子成了最有话语权的人。

And all of a sudden, if you're the only woman in the room, you're all of a sudden, you're at the top of the heap.

明白吗？

Okay?

你拥有最丰富的亲身经验，最能为这场对话提供见解。

You have the most lived experience, the most knowledge to bring to this conversation.

所以，即使你在很多话题上感到地位低下，但一旦话题突然转变，你可能瞬间变得地位很高。

So even if you're feeling low status on many topics, if all of a sudden it switches to something else, you might all of a sudden become high status.

当我们有值得贡献的价值时，我们不应低估这种价值。

And we shouldn't underestimate the value of that when we have value to bring.

如果你正和朋友或同事坐在一起聊天

If you're sitting in a conversation with friends or something at work