如何永久消除自我怀疑并建立不可动摇的自信

给它找个出口发泄出来。

Give it a physical outlet.

很多人其实不想正视自己的恐惧，因为他们怕一说出来，恐惧就成真了。

A lot of people don't actually want to acknowledge their fears because they're afraid that they'll make them real.

但我坚信，而且很多证据表明，只要你敢把它摊开来说，它反而成了你可以着手处理的东西。

But I am a proponent, and a lot of evidence suggests that if you can just make them real, it gives you something to work with.

你不再逃避它了。

You're not hiding from it.

所以，把你真正想放下的一切都写在左边，然后静静体会一下，看着这些字时你心里是什么感觉。

So you write down everything you actually want to care less about, put it in the left, and then just reflect on how you feel when you look at that.

很简单。

It's simple.

这就是我们的‘不在意清单’。

So that's our careless list.

我们已经把所有想放下的事情都列出来了。

We've identified all the things we wanna care less about.

对。

Yep.

下一步就是，我到底更想关注些什么？

The next step is, okay, what do I wanna care more about?

我真正希望把注意力转向哪些事情？

What do I actually want to shift my attention to?

因为注意力是一种强大的能力。

Because attention is such a superpower.

如果我们对它缺乏觉察，就会被困在重复的模式里出不来。

If we're not aware of it, we're going to be stuck in patterns that keep us stuck.

但如果我们能更清醒地觉察它，更主动地去观察自己的思维模式——这叫元认知。

But if we can become more aware of it, be a bit more curious about how we're thinking, this is called metacognition.

就是能反思自己的想法，这是一种根本性的能力。

It's the ability to think about your thoughts, and it is a fundamental superpower.

因为只要你开始观察自己的想法，你就已经跳出了那些想法。

Because the moment you start thinking about your thoughts, you're no longer in your thoughts.

所以，有意识地写下来：我更想关注什么？

So consciously write down, what do I wanna care more about?

我更想关注的是，如何在生活里创造价值。

Well, I wanna care more about being of value in my life.

我更想关注的是那种勇气——即使脸上有痘，或者外表不够完美，也能迈出去那一步。

I wanna care more about having the kind of courage that allows me to take the step even if I've got the acne, or I look a certain way.

把这些都列出来。

You map them down.

然后，这是一个非常简单的练习。

And then it's a super simple practice.

你只需要经常提醒自己：我的注意力又跑偏到这些事上了，但我其实并不想太在意它们。

You just bring yourself back to this regularly to remind yourself, okay, my attention is going on to these things, but I really wanna care less about them.

我该怎么主动把注意力转向我更想关注的事？

How do I actively shift my attention to what I wanna care more about?

当你有意识地掌控自己的想法时，你就是在重新激活大脑的前额叶区域。

When you consciously take control of your thoughts, you're reengaging the prefrontal regions in your brain.

我们大脑这里会变得更活跃，血流也会增加，然后

We get more activation, more blood flow going here, and then

这会从根本上改变你的状态和表现。

it fundamentally shapes how you're showing up.

如果你在应对身体上的困扰，这其实是个非常简单的方法。

So that's a really, really simple practice if you're struggling with any kind of physical element.

如果你正在经历情绪上的波动，这个方法也同样有效。

Well, it's also really helpful if you're moving through something emotional.

完全没错。

Completely.

如果你刚被裁员，而这份工作你曾经珍视了多年。

If you have just gotten laid off, your job already was something you cared about for years.

即使失去它让你痛心，难道你不希望放下这个已经不存在的工作吗？

If you no longer have it, even if it was devastating to lose the job, don't you wanna care less about that job that's no longer here?

难道你不更希望关注未来的自己、你未来的价值，以及职业生涯的下一章吗？

And don't you wanna care more about the future you and your future value and the next chapter of your career?

分手也是同样的道理。

Same thing with a breakup.

你已经为这段结束了的关系付出了几年、几个月，或者不管多长时间的心力。

You already gave years or months or however much time and energy to the relationship that's over.

难道你不希望对它少在意一点吗？

Don't you wanna care less about it?

让它对你的影响小一点？

Have it impact you a little bit less?

难道你不希望更多地关注那些能带给你快乐的事，关注重新塑造自己，迈向人生的新篇章吗？这真是个美好又简单的例子，确实如此，沙戴医生。

Don't you wanna care more about all of the things that could bring you happiness, about reinventing yourself, about stepping into this it's such a beautiful and simple illustration because it's true, doctor Shaday.

我们总是活在自己的脑子里。

We live in our heads.

我很喜欢这种方式：当你跳出自己的思绪，把这些写下来，就能不再被想法困住，而是去观察它们、引导它们走向不同的方向。

And I love that when you get out of your head and you put it on paper like this, it allows you to not be in your thoughts, but to examine them and direct them differently.

太棒了。

It's brilliant.

医生。

Doctor.

沙迪，你能说说，一个自我接纳度很低的人，生活是什么感觉吗？

Shadde, could you walk us through just what does life feel like for somebody who has low self acceptance?

我们看到，自我接纳度低的人通常会有四种非常熟悉的模式。

So we see four really painfully familiar patterns with people who have low self acceptance.

第一个是

The first one is what

我们称之为‘必须证明自己’的压力。

we call the pressure to prove.

就是你总觉得不够好，于是必须通过成就、设定目标、达成目标、获得认可和头衔来证明自己的价值。

So this is where you feel like you're not enough, so you have to prove your worth through achievement and setting and achieving the goal and getting the recognition and the title.

但结果是，你总对自己说：等我到了那里，我才会觉得自己够好了。

But what happens is you tell yourself, when I get there, then I will feel like I'm enough.

可当你真的到了那里，却发现并没有想象中那么满足，于是你又设定了下一个目标。

And you get there, and it doesn't feel like you thought it would, and then you just set the next goal.

所以你一直在追逐那种‘足够好’的感觉，不断证明自己，却始终得不到你想要的效果。

So you're perpetually chasing this feeling of enoughness, you're proving yourself, but it's not having the effect that you want.

这就是第一个‘必须证明’的陷阱。

That's the first pressure to prove.

第二个叫‘讨好陷阱’。

The second one is what we call the likability trap.

如果你不接纳真实的自己，就会把自我价值寄托在别人怎么看上。

So if you don't accept who you are, you outsource your worth to how other people see you.

只要别人喜欢你、觉得你没问题，你或许就能觉得自己还算可以。

And if they can like you, if they can see you as acceptable, then maybe you can see yourself as acceptable.

但这样一来，你就不得不牺牲自己。

But then this leads you to sacrifice yourself.

明明不想答应，却总是说好。

You say yes when you really mean no.

为根本不用道歉的事，不停地道歉。

You over apologize for things you shouldn't be apologizing for.

开会的时候你从不发言。

You don't speak up in the meeting.

你不敢争取应得的东西，总是把别人的需要放在第一位，结果把自己想要的、需要的都牺牲了，甚至都不清楚自己到底是谁。

You don't ask for what you deserve, and you end up sacrificing what you want and need because you're prioritizing everyone else all the time and you don't know who you are.

这就是所谓的讨好陷阱。

So that's the likability trap.

我们更在意别人喜不喜欢自己，而不是做真实的自己。

We prioritize being liked over being true to who we are.

我说‘我们’，是因为我自己也在为接纳自我而挣扎。

And I say we because I struggle with acceptance.

我说这些，都是亲身经历。

I speak from experience here.

第三个叫‘自我收缩综合症’。

Now the third one is what we refer to as the shrinking syndrome.

当你看到别人的时候，如果你正在听或看，可能会有共鸣——机会来了，一个绝佳的机会。

So this is where you see someone, and you might resonate with this if you're watching or listening, where an opportunity comes your way, an incredible opportunity.

但突然间，你的大脑开始放大所有可能出错的地方——你可能会做得不够好，可能会失败，别人会怎么看你。

But suddenly, your brain starts magnifying all the ways it could go wrong, the ways you might fall short, the ways you might fail, the what will other people think.

所以你知道吗？

And so you know what?

与其面对，不如退缩，找借口说自己还没准备好，或者时机不对。

It's safer just to shrink back and make an excuse as to why you're not ready or why the timing is not right.

没错。

Yeah.

你就这样错过了那些绝佳的机会。

You shrink from those incredible opportunities.

第四种是幸灾乐祸的循环。

And then the fourth is the Schadenfreude cycle.

这是个德语词，形容有些人看到别人倒霉、跌倒或失败时，心里反而有种快感。

This is a German term, and it refers to that feeling that some people get, that feeling of pleasure when they see other people struggle or other people stumble or other people fail.

这源于自我认同的缺失，当你无法接纳自己，就会希望别人也过得不好。

And it's ego driven, and it's because when they don't accept themselves, they like to see other people suffer too.

哦。

Oh.

太糟糕了。

Terrible.

确实很糟糕。

It's terrible.

简直糟透了。

It's absolutely terrible.

这比你想象的要普遍得多。

It's more common than you'd think.

这就是人们为什么爱八卦。

It's why people love gossip.

这就是人们喜欢看那些贬低他人的新闻标题的原因。

It's why people love reading headlines that are tearing other people down.

这其实是人之常情，但也反映出一个人根本无法接纳真实的自己。

It's very much a human experience, but it reflects that someone doesn't fundamentally accept who they are.

哦，我最讨厌这样了。

Oh, I hate that.

我也特别讨厌这样。

I hate that too.

哇。

Wow.

这种事确实会发生。

It happens.

你在《大信任》这本书里提到过，有十种方法可以帮助你开始建立自我接纳。

You know, in your book, Big Trust, you cover 10 different ways that you can start to build self acceptance.

你能给我们简单讲讲

Can you just give us

其中几种吗？

a handful of them?

当然可以。

Absolutely.

我来分享几个最简单、特别实际的方法。

I'll share some of the simplest ones that are really, really tangible for people.

我们发现，那些难以接纳自己的人，常常会过度道歉。

So what we see with anyone who struggles with acceptance is they will overapologize.

不好意思。

Sorry.

我说得太多了。

I'm talking too much.

不好意思。

Sorry.

我太情绪化了。

I'm so emotional.

与其道歉，把问题归咎于自己的不足，让自己感觉更差，不如换个方式。

The simplest thing you can do here rather than apologizing was to highlight some inadequacy and makes you feel less Yeah.

试着转为表达感激。

Is to shift into appreciation.

所以与其说‘抱歉，我话太多了’，不如说‘谢谢你认真听’。

So instead of, sorry, I'm talking too much, you would say, thank you so much for listening.

与其说‘抱歉，我现在情绪太激动了’，不如说‘谢谢你耐心陪着我’。

Instead of, sorry, I'm being really emotional right now, thank you for bearing with me.

我对这件事充满热情。

I'm passionate about this.

这正是我们与人交流时用词的力量，它不仅影响我们的感受。

And this is the power of the words that we use when we're engaging with people because it not only shapes how we feel.

我们不再为自己的存在而道歉。

Suddenly, we're not apologizing for existing.

而是在真正地认可对方。

We're actually acknowledging the other person.

所以我们自己感觉更好，而且

So we feel better, but it

也让对方感觉更好。

makes the other person feel better too.

昨天我哭的时候特别需要你，因为我一边哭，一边还跟每个人道歉，说我不该为这么点小事这么情绪化。

I needed you yesterday as I was crying over something and then apologizing to everybody for being emotional about something that was stupid.

但其实是因为你在乎我。

But it's because you care.

然后我还跟大家说，你肯定觉得我太傻了，不该这样。

And then saying to everybody, and you're probably judging me that I shouldn't be stupid.

结果我这么一说，反而让自己更难受，也让大家都觉得尴尬。其实只要说一句‘谢谢你陪我’，情况就会好很多。

So now I'm making them wrong when it made me feel worse and it made everybody feel uncomfortable, and it would have been way better to just say thank you for bearing with me.

这一切真的太沉重了。

This is just a lot.

我真的很感谢你的耐心和温柔。

And I really appreciate your patience and your kindness on this.

等这个采访一结束，我就立刻打电话给那个人，跟他说这句话，因为我之前没这么说。这真是个巨大的转变——我终于看清了，我一直在打压自己，不接纳自己的情绪，还无意中伤害了那些想安慰我的人。

I need a as soon as this interview's over, I am making a phone call and saying that to somebody because I didn't use that, and it's very powerful shift because I can see how stomping on myself and not accepting my emotions and then inadvertently stomping on everybody sitting there trying to comfort me.

天啊。

Wow.

好的。

Okay.

还有别的吗？

What's another one?

简单，有力。

Simple, powerful.

好的。

Okay.

如果你在接纳方面有困难，往往还没想清楚就先答应了，连自己嘴里说出来的话是不是真心的都没顾上。

The next one is if you struggle with acceptance, you also tend to say yes before you've even processed what you is this resonating with your mouth?

是的。

Yes.

我其实没想...

It's I didn't

我原以为自己在自我接纳上没问题，但看来我还是有这个问题。

think I struggled with self acceptance, though, but I guess I do.

有意思的是，很多取得了非凡成就的高成就者，其实都在为自我接纳而挣扎。

Well, interestingly, a lot of really high achievers who have done incredible things in their life struggle with self acceptance.

这既是推动他们不断前进的动力，也是压在他们心头的沉重负担。

And it's one of the things that keeps them pushing, but it's also one of the things that really tethers them and is weighty.

是的。

Yeah.

所以，如果你和我、还有梅一样，总是因为不想让别人失望而答应太多事，那学会说‘不’就特别重要，但你首先不该直接一口回绝。

So if you, like me, like Mel, tend to over commit because you're saying yes to everybody else because you don't wanna let them down, what's really valuable is learning how to say no, but what you wanna do first is not just an automatic no.

你得给自己留一点缓冲时间。

You create a little bit of a delay.

这样才能真正消化对方说的是什么。

So you can actually process what they've said.

研究显示，哪怕只是几秒钟、甚至几毫秒的停顿，都能帮助我们在压力下做出更好的决定。

We know from research that even a few seconds and few milliseconds allows us to make a better decision when the pressure is on.

那在实际生活中，这具体该怎么做呢？

So what does that actually look like in practice?

你可以先说声谢谢，感谢你想到我，先给个积极的回应。

You start with, thank you for thinking of me, so positive first response.

然后说，我得查一下我的日程。

You move into, let me check with my schedule.

我得跟老公/老婆确认一下。

Let me check with my husband or my wife.

我得看看自己有没有空。

Let me confirm I have capacity.

第三步是，我会在某个时间前给你回复。

And then step three is I will get back to you by x time.

对吧？

Right?

谢谢你想到我。

Thanks for thinking of me.

我得先查一下。

Let me check.

我会再回复你。

I'll get back to you.

然后你得想想，自己到底想不想做这件事。

And then you reflect on whether you actually want to do this thing.

接下来的问题是，如果你不想答应，该怎么婉拒。

Now then the next part comes how do you actually say no if you want to decline.

当我们只想着拒绝的时候，如果是个总想讨好别人的人，或者特别在意别人认可，就会觉得特别自私。

When we just think about the saying no, it can feel very selfish if you are a people pleaser, if you struggle with approval and acceptance.

所以你要想的是：怎么才能让这个决定变成对自己说‘好’？

So what you wanna be thinking about is, okay, how do I make this not a no, but a yes to myself?

哦。

Oh.

只要我能对自己说‘好’，就不必明说是在为自己做选择，但整个过程会轻松很多。

If I can make this a yes to myself, I don't have to say to the other person I'm saying yes to myself, but it makes the process so much easier.

那你举个例子吧。

So give me an example.

举个例子，我不想整个周末都帮别人搬家，因为我决定对自己说：这个周末我需要休息和恢复。

So an example would be, okay, I don't wanna spend the whole weekend helping someone move in because I'm going to say yes to the fact that I need recovery this weekend.

所以当你拒绝的时候，就不再是‘我太自私了’这么简单。

So then when you go and give the decline, it's not just a no because I'm selfish.

而是要说：真的很感谢你想到我。

It's actually, again, thank you for thinking of me.

这个周末我打算好好休息，不过你那边进展如何，记得告诉我。

This weekend, I'm focusing on rest and recovery, but let me know how you go.

等你都安顿好了，我很想看看是什么样子。

I'd love to see it when you're all set up.

对。

Right.

或者这个周末，我本来计划去博物馆。

Or this weekend, I had plans to go to the museum.

或者这个周末我已经有别的安排了，实在帮不上忙。

Or this weekend, I already had something else going on and can't help you out.

就这么简单。

So simple.

对。

Yes.

就这么简单。

So simple.

这就是第二个方法。

So that's the second tool.

我还想再分享两个，第三个特别反直觉。

I wanna share just two more really The quick third one is a really counterintuitive one.

如果你想更接纳自己，那就去培养一个爱好。

If you wanna accept yourself more, go and get a hobby.

为什么呢？

Why?

因为那些难以自我接纳的人，往往把自己的身份和工作绑在一起。

Because people who struggle with self acceptance tend to identify with their jobs.

所以如果你现在正在看或听这段内容，并且有共鸣，那你很可能把自己的身份和工作绑在一起了——工作顺心，你就特别开心。

So if you're watching or listening right now and you're you're resonating with this, you probably identify with the work that you do, which means if things are going really well at work, you feel fantastic.

可一旦工作不顺，你就特别沮丧，因为你把一切都往自己身上揽。

If things are not going well, you're going to feel terrible because you're internalizing it.

你有没有同感？

Does that resonate?

这话简直说到我心坎里了。

I feel called out.

我就直说了啊。

I'm just gonna say it right there.

是的。

Yes.

我昨天早上还哭了，可客观来说，事情其实进展得特别好。

Given that I was crying yesterday morning, and objectively, things are going amazing.

当你在工作之外做点别的事情时

When you do something outside of

你的本职工作、你的事业，或者你给自己贴的任何头衔，都会提醒你：你远不止是工作中那个角色。

your day job, outside of your business, outside of whatever title you've attached to yourself, it reminds you that you are so much more than what you're doing in that business at work.

我们还得承认，有时候这跟你是父母的身份有关。

Now we also need to acknowledge sometimes this has to do with your role as a parent.

如果你是全职照顾孩子，你可能会把自己的父母身份看得特别重。

You might identify so closely with being a parent if you are a full time carer.

所以培养一个爱好，能帮你把这两者区分开来。

And so getting a hobby gives you that separation.

它能激活大脑中不同的区域。

It activates different parts of the brain.

有一项研究覆盖了十六个国家超过九万三千人，发现有爱好的人更容易接纳自己。

There was a study with over 93,000 people in 16 different countries, and they found that people who have hobbies accept themselves more.

他们的自我价值感也更高。

They have higher self esteem.

这就有实证了。

So there's that evidence.

还有一个特别有意思的关于诺贝尔奖得主科学家的研究。

There's also another super interesting study of Nobel Prize winning scientists.

研究发现，这些诺贝尔奖得主拥有爱好的可能性是普通科学家的三倍，拥有创意类爱好的可能性更是高达二十二倍。

They found that those Nobel Prize winning scientists were three times more likely than regular scientists to have a hobby and 22 times more likely to have a creative hobby.

这说明了什么？为什么这一点很重要？

Now what does that tell you, and why is that important?

这些科学家告诉研究人员，拥有爱好让他们在工作之外找到了建立联系的方式。

It tells us that, well, what these actual scientists told the researchers, which then leads into what that tells us, they said that having those hobbies gave them something outside of work to make connections.

当工作不顺的时候，爱好成了他们的出口，也让他们意识到，自己的身份不仅仅局限于实验室里的工作。

It gave them an outlet when they were having a bad day at work, and it allowed them to realize that their identity is not just what they're doing in the lab.

他们可以走出去，尽情享受乐趣，允许自己玩耍、放松。

They actually can go and have fun and give themselves permission to play and be

当个新手。

a beginner.

你能专门对那些此刻正在听的人说几句吗？比如正在照顾年迈亲人，或者家里有年幼孩子、身心俱疲的人。

Could you talk specifically to a person who's listening right now who may be in a moment in life where they are a caregiver for somebody aging or they've got super young kids at home and they are stretched so thin?

你能直接说说吗？现在明明觉得时间不够用，为什么偏偏是培养一个爱好，才是你最该挤出时间去做的事，尤其当你总在怀疑自己、又为别人忙个不停的时候。

Could you speak directly to why a hobby right now when it feels like you have no time is the exact thing you need to make time for when it comes to your self doubt and everything that you're doing for everybody else.

因为爱好是一种恢复的方式。

Because hobbies are a form of recovery

对。

Mhmm.

它提醒你，你自己也很重要。

And they remind you that you're important too.

当你允许自己去休息、去玩、去享受乐趣时，你反而能成为更好的照顾者、更好的父母，或者生活中任何其他角色。

And when you give yourself the permission to recover and go and have fun and play, it allows you to be a better carer, to be a better parent, to be a better whatever it is in your life.

你得给自己这份许可。

You give yourself that permission.

你是在承认：你接受真实的自己，也知道你需要这些。

You're honoring the fact that you accept who you are and that you need these things.

我们明白。

We know.

研究告诉我们，玩耍很重要。

The research tells us that play is important.

爱好也很重要。

Hobbies are important.

尊重这一点，可能是你所能做的最有力量的事之一。

And honoring that can be one of the most powerful things that you do.

医生。

Doctor.

沙达伊，你还提到，要培养更多的自我接纳，就别再用积极的自我肯定了。

Shaday, you also say that to build more self acceptance, stop using positive affirmations.

这一点很关键。

This is

一个大问题。

a big one.

我们经常在网上看到，说应该用积极的自我肯定。

So we see all the time online that we should use positive affirmations.

如果你总觉得不够好，每天早上都对自己说：我已经足够好了。

If you don't feel like you're enough, tell yourself, I'm enough every morning.

对。

Yep.

但如果你在自我接纳上有困难，这种方法就不管用了。

Now that doesn't work if you struggle with self acceptance.

研究显示，如果你缺乏自我接纳和自尊，强行使用积极肯定反而会适得其反，让你感觉更糟。

Research shows us that if you struggle with self acceptance and self esteem, using positive affirmations backfires and makes you feel worse.

为什么？

Why?

因为这跟你对自己的看法完全冲突，你内心深处会冒出一个声音：才不是呢。

Because it contradicts how you see yourself, and there's a part of your brain, your mind that goes, nuh-uh.

你是在装样子，结果可能让自己变得更加苛责。

You're faking it, and you can become even more self critical.

真的吗。

Wow.

真的吗。

Wow.

那我们该怎么做呢？

So what do we do instead?

这并不是说正面的自我肯定——

That's not to say the positive Well, that

这说得通，因为你如果对着镜子觉得自己很难看，却对自己说‘我看起来很美’。

makes sense because if you hate the way you look in the mirror and you're like, I look beautiful.

我足够好。

I'm enough.

我是这样的。

I'm this.

我是那样的。

I'm that.

如果你根本不信这些话，心里就会产生一种割裂感。

And you don't believe any of it, then there is this disconnect.

你其实是在骗自己。

You know you're lying to yourself.

对。

Yeah.

如果你说不出积极的话，那研究告诉我们，当我们面对自我怀疑和自我接纳的困难时，该说些什么呢？

So if you can't say positive things, what does the research tell us that we should say if we're struggling with self doubt and self acceptance?

应该用一种自我肯定、着眼于成长的表达方式。

To use a self affirming, growth oriented statement instead.

这话有点长。

That's a mouthful.

那具体该说什么呢？

So what's the sentence?

简单来说，就是别骗自己。

In simple, simple terms, it's simply don't lie to yourself.

换个角度，往成长的方向想。

Just flip it into something that's growth minded.

举个例子。

For example.

对。

Yes.

缺乏自我接纳的一个表现，就是觉得自己很无趣。

One of the areas that lack of self acceptance shows up in is this belief of I'm boring.

其实你觉得自己无趣，是因为你不敢太突出，怕别人受不了，于是你告诉自己：我没什么价值，也没什么可分享的，所以我就是个无趣的人。

I'm actually boring because people don't wanna be too much for others, and so that looks like them believing that they have nothing of value to share, nothing of meaning to share, and so they tell themselves, no, I'm boring.

所以简单一点的做法，不是说：‘我是派对的灵魂人物。’

So a simple way is not, oh, I'm the life of the party.

人人都喜欢我。

Everyone loves me.

这种正面肯定反而会适得其反。

That's a positive affirmation that will back fire.

你应该说：好吧。

You would say, okay.

我在对话中给人一种沉稳平和的感觉。

I bring a calming and grounded presence to my conversations.

你看，你并不是非得用积极的话去压过它。

You see how you're not trying to one up with something positive.

你只是绕开它，换个角度看待。

You're actually just sidestepping it and flipping it.

对。

Yep.

这样一来，你的感受就会完全不同了。

And that suddenly makes you feel very, very different.

如果你觉得自己不值得被爱，别直接说‘不，我值得被爱’——这反而可能适得其反，你可以说：‘我有一些特质，真正懂我的人会看重。’

If you feel like you're unlovable, instead of, no, I am lovable, which may backfire, you would say, I have certain qualities that the right people value.

所以，这其实很简单。

So again, it's so simple.

不是用那种近乎有毒的正能量去强行翻转。

It's not flipping it with something that's almost toxically positive.

是的

Yeah.

只是转向一种以成长为导向、扎根于真实的状态，而且不需要你变成另一个人，这正是它的美妙之处。

It's just shifting into something that is growth oriented and anchored in truth, and it doesn't require you to become someone else, which is the beautiful thing.

听起来，测试方法就是看你的肩膀有没有放松下来？

Well, it sounds like the test is do your shoulders drop?

对。

Yes.

而不是说‘我值得被爱’。

Versus I'm lovable.

你知道的，那样的话你的肩膀还是会紧绷着。

You know, your shoulders up.

我不确定。

I don't know.

我真的值得吗？

Am I?

是的。

Yeah.

但如果你拥有那些真正欣赏你的人所珍视的品质。

But if you say, have qualities that the right people really love and appreciate.

哦，就像你的肩膀一下子放松了，因为这话是真的。

Oh, like your shoulders just drop because there's truth in it.

我喜欢这一点。

I love that.

我真的喜欢这一点。

I love that.

医生。

Doctor.

沙黛，能学到这么多关于自我怀疑的研究，我太兴奋了。

Shaday, I am so thrilled to be learning all of this research about self doubt.

咱们先暂停一下，给我们的赞助商一点展示的时间，也给你一个机会，把这期节目分享给你觉得在低调行事的那个人。

Let's take a quick pause so that we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to shine, and I wanna give you a chance to share this episode with someone that you love that you think is playing small.

别走开。

Don't go anywhere.

医生。

Doctor.

沙达即将开始介绍这些框架和具体工具，帮你建立坚不可摧的自信。

Shad A is just getting started with these frameworks and the specific tools she's going to give you so that you can build unshakable confidence.

马上回来。

We'll be right back.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

今天，你和我一起见到了这位医生。

Today, you and I are here with Doctor.

沙达·扎赫莱，她将为我们讲解一套四步法，助你建立坚不可摧的自信。

Shaday Zahrai, who's teaching us a four part framework to build unshakable self confidence.

第一步是弄清楚你自我怀疑的根源，然后一步步拆解它。

And that first step is understanding the source of your self doubt and learning how to break it apart step by step.

好的，Shaday 医生。

Alright, doctor Shaday.

咱们直接继续吧。

Let's just jump right back in.

接下来我们进入四步框架的第二步——A，也就是‘掌控感’，用来重塑自我怀疑、建立更多自信。

Let's move on to the second a in the four part framework of rewiring self doubt and building more confidence, and that is agency.

什么是掌控感？

What is agency?

在自我怀疑的语境下，

So in the

掌控感就是让你相信自己能做成这件事的那股力量。

context of self doubt, agency is that attribute that allows you to trust that you can do the thing.

就算你现在不知道怎么做，你也有能力去学会。

And if you don't know how to do it, you will learn how to do it.

如果你相信自己能做到，你就愿意迈出那一步。

And so if you trust that you can do that, you're going to take the step.

你会答应下来。

You're going to say yes.

即使遇到挫折，你也会坚持下去，因为你内心深处相信自己可以。

You're going to persist when things don't go well because deep down, you believe that you can.

当这种信念很薄弱时，就会出现‘假意答应’的情况。

Now when this is weak Yes.

我们来具体看看这是什么样子。

Let's explore what this looks like.

如果这种能力很弱，也就是你在自我效能感上遇到困难，通常会表现出几种模式。

So if this is weak, if you struggle with your agency, we see a number of patterns here.

第一种就是令人头疼的冒名顶替综合征：你明明已经取得了不少成就，可能还获得过认可、奖项，或者拥有令人羡慕的职位，可你还是觉得自己不配拥有这一切。

The first one is the dreaded impostor syndrome where you have achieved things in your life, amazing things, maybe recognition, maybe awards, maybe an amazing job title, and yet you feel like you don't deserve it.

你总觉得迟早有人会揭穿你，觉得你不该站在这个位置上。

You feel like someone is going to highlight that you shouldn't be where you are.

所以归根结底，你就是觉得别人觉得你比实际更聪明、更有能力。

And so, essentially, what it comes down to is that you believe other people think you're smarter or more competent than you really are.

关于冒名顶替综合症，有几点要说。

Now a few things about impostor syndrome.

这个术语刚被发现的时候，并不叫‘冒名顶替综合症’。

The term impostor syndrome was not the term that was used initially when it was discovered.

七十年代、八十年代刚观察到这种现象时，人们管它叫‘冒名顶替现象’。

Back in the seventies, eighties, when it was first observed, they called it the impostor phenomenon.

那现象和综合症到底有什么区别呢？

Now what's the difference between a phenomenon?

现象就是你在一群人身上观察到某种模式。

So a phenomenon is basically where you observe something in a population of people.

对吧？

Right?

而综合症听起来像医学术语，暗示着你身上出了什么问题。

A syndrome is something that seems medical and seems pathological and seems like something is wrong with us.

现象看起来是偶尔才会出现的。

A phenomenon seems like something that can appear occasionally.

是的。

Yeah.

综合征听起来就像判了终身刑。

Syndrome feels like a life sentence.

说得好。

Well said.

嗯。

K.

所以当我们觉得自己是个冒牌货时，得明白，这种感觉其实比你想象的普遍得多。

And so we need to think, when we feel like an impostor, it's actually far more common than you'd expect.

事实上，有些研究发现，高达百分之八十二的人曾经有过这种感觉。

In fact, some studies have found up to eighty two percent of people have felt like an impostor at some point.

哇。

Wow.

觉得像冒牌货其实是个好迹象，说明你正在成长。

And the beautiful thing about feeling like an impostor is it is a sign that you are growing.

你正在走出自己的舒适区。

You are stepping out of your comfort zone.

因为但凡做过新事情的人，都会遇到自己还不具备全部技能、不知道所有答案的时刻，这时候很容易觉得自己不配待在这里。

Because anyone who has ever done anything new will be in a position where they haven't had all the skills or they don't know all the answers, and it's very easy for them to then feel like I don't deserve to be here.

但你得承认，你自带一份扎实的履历，后面我们或许会聊几个能帮上忙的小方法。

But you have to honor the fact that you bring a track record with you, and maybe we'll talk about a few tools to help with this a bit later.

对。

Yes.

这是第一个。

So that's the first one.

第二个，我们在这儿经常见到，尤其那些在掌控感上挣扎的人，就是总爱跟别人比较。

The second one we see a lot of here with anyone who struggles with agency is social comparison.

哦。

Oh.

他们拿自己跟别人比，但不是那种积极的比较，而是觉得别人遥遥领先，自己根本不够格。

They're comparing themselves to other people, not in a positive way, but in a you are so far ahead of me and I'm inadequate.

我怎么可能做得到呢。

I could never do that.

我们经常看到，当人们在生活中更上一层楼，职业晋升，事业取得更多成就时，就会这样。

And we see this a lot when people, again, are leveling up in their lives, moving up in their careers, achieving more things in their business.

一旦你迈入下一个阶段，就会不自觉地拿自己跟那个层级的人比较，这自然会让你觉得还有更多东西要学、要做、要成长，毕竟人家比你经验更久。

Suddenly, as soon as you take that step to the next level, you're now comparing yourself with people at that level, which naturally means that there's more for you to develop and do and and grow because they've been there longer than you.

也许他们在某些方面确实更出色。

Maybe they are better at certain things.

但如果你一直盯着这些，觉得自己永远赶不上他们，就会削弱自己的信心。

But if you start fixating on that and feeling like I can never do what they do, you undermine your agency.

所以，这是第二个问题。

So that's the second one.

我的意思是，比较是人之常情，但我们得学会别让这种比较变成自我怀疑的源头。

I mean, comparison is natural, but we need to get better at making sure it's not filling us with self doubt.

是的。

Yep.

第三个方面是，人们总在等自己感觉准备好、有把握了再行动。

And then the third area here is where people are just constantly waiting to feel ready, to feel prepared.

他们用不停地计划、阅读和准备来拖延。

So they procrastinate by busying themselves with planning and reading and preparing.

他们说：我想再学多一点。

And they say, I just wanna learn a little bit more.

但我们都知道，你对一件事了解得越多，就越意识到自己懂的其实很少，疑虑也越多，就越不敢迈出那一步。

But we know that the more you learn about something, the more you realize how little you know about that thing, and the more doubt you have, and the less likely you are to take the step.

我觉得这太有意思了。

I think this is so fascinating.

我想跟你回顾两点。

I just wanna reflect back two things to you.

如果你在面对自我怀疑时常常感到无力，那你可能有冒名顶替综合症，容易陷入比较，也可能是个超级计划控。

So if you're somebody that struggles with agency when it comes to self doubt, you may feel impostor syndrome, you may struggle a lot with comparison, and you may also be a big planner.

有一件事让我特别触动，以前我从来没想过：当你明确并清晰地设定一个目标时，不管是想变得更健康、穿得更有风格、赚更多钱、转行做房地产，还是学会在线赚钱。

And one of the things that struck me that I've never thought about before is that when you identify and get very clear about a goal that you have, whether it's getting in better shape or it's dressing in a more stylable way or it is earning more money or it is changing your career and getting into real estate or learning how to make money online.

只要确立了一个新目标或想做出改变，就意味着你在这个领域的能力还存在缺口。

Simply identifying a new goal or a change means that you have a gap of having to become more capable in that area.

你以前从来没做过这件事。

You've never done this before.

那除了说‘我能搞定’或者‘嘿’之外，还有什么别的办法呢？

And so what are the tools other than saying, I can figure this out or saying, hey.

拿自己和别人比较，也是这个问题的一部分。

Comparing myself is part of this.

这其实意味着，我真的很想要这个。

Like, it means that I want this.

那你具体是怎么应对自我怀疑的呢？

Like, how do you deal with impostor syndrome in particular?

第一步，先看看那种你觉得自己是个骗子、不配拥有这一切的感觉。

So the very first step, let's look at the feeling that you are fraudulent, that you don't deserve to be

你就在这里。

where you are.

明白了。

Okay.

你需要明白的是，这种情况其实非常普遍。

What you wanna think about is, okay, this is actually super common.

这说明我正在突破自己，正在成长。

This just means I'm stretching and growing.

那我该怎么给自己一些时间呢？

So how do I give myself time?

这里有个简单的视角转换，因为我们都知道，改变内心的语言力量有多大——别再想‘我不配’或者‘我不属于这里’，而是立刻转成：‘我有多幸运，能有机会学习和成长。’

And a very simple reframe because we know how powerful it is when we're changing the language that is going on in our heads is instead of I don't feel like I deserve this or I don't feel like I belong, immediately shift to what an incredible opportunity I have to learn and grow.

简单，但特别有效，因为你把注意力从‘我缺什么’，转向了：‘太好了，我可以补上这些短板。’

So simple and yet so effective because you're shifting your attention to everything you think you lack into, cool, I can fill some gaps.

太棒了。

Amazing.

再说一遍，你没必要骗自己。

Again, you don't have to lie to yourself.

你对这件事的态度其实很务实。

You're being really pragmatic about that.

所以这是第一步。

So that's the first step.

第二步，当涉及到冒名顶替综合症时，要主动说出来。

The second one is to actually talk about it when it comes to impostor syndrome.

很多人都有过这种感觉，觉得自己不配。

So many people have experienced it, just feeling undeserving.

这太常见了。

It's so common.

当你坦诚谈论时，就会发现每个人都在经历类似的旅程，这种共鸣真的很有帮助。

And when you speak about it openly, you realize that everyone is on this same journey, and that sense of collective can be really helpful.

上世纪八十年代，花旗银行正与旅行者保险合并，他们需要一位平面设计师来设计新标志。

So in the nineteen eighties, Citicorp was merging with Travelers Insurance, and they needed a graphic designer to come up with their new logo.

于是他们聘请了这家设计公司，宝拉·谢尔是这家公司的合伙人。

So they hired the firm, and Paula Scher was a partner at this firm.

她是一位非常出色的平面设计师。

She's an incredible graphic designer.

她走进会议室，坐在决策者们中间，大家正讨论他们想要什么样的标志。

She comes in, and she's sitting at the boardroom table with the the decision makers, and they're all talking about what they wanted for the logo.

她随手从桌边拿了一张餐巾纸，开始在上面涂涂画画。

She grabs a napkin from the side of the table, and she starts scribbling on that napkin.

几秒钟后，她把那张餐巾纸推到桌子对面，说：这就是你们的标志。

A few seconds later, she slides that napkin across the table, and she says, here is your logo.

整个房间的人都惊呆了。

Now the room was stunned.

大家都在想，怎么可能短短几秒就设计出一个标志？

People were thinking, how is it possible that you designed a logo in just a matter of seconds?

她回答说：我这一秒的设计，是用了三十四年。

And she says, I designed this in a second and thirty four years.

我设计这个，是把我所有学到的东西都用上了。

I designed this with everything that I have learned.

所以没错，你们看着是几秒钟就搞定了，但我是花了三十四年才做到这一步的。

So, yeah, you got it in a few seconds, but it took me thirty four years to be able to do that.

最后，他们为这个标志付给了她一百五十万美元。

And they ended up paying her $1,500,000 for that logo.

那从这个故事里，我们能学到什么道理呢？

Now what is the message behind this that we can take away?

很多时候，当我们觉得自己是冒牌货时，只是盯着眼前这一小块地方。

So often when we feel like imposters, we are just looking at the here and now.

聚光灯只照着当下这一刻，我们却忘了自己背后有这么了不起的经历。

The spotlight is on this current space that we're in, and we forget that we have this incredible track record behind us.

对保拉·谢尔来说，就是三十四年的积累才让她走到这一步。

In Paula Scher's case, it was thirty four years of work that got her to that point.

但很多人坐在会议室里，心里想的是：天啊，我得赶紧设计出点什么来。

But a lot of us will sit there in that meeting and think, oh gosh, I need to design something.

我不确定以前有没有做过这个。

I don't know if I've done this before.

我们总是盯着那些不足之处。

We fixate on all the gaps.

我不配坐在这里。

I don't deserve to be here.

所以这真是一个非常深刻的教训。

So that's a really powerful lesson from that.

把注意力转回到你一生和职业生涯中积累的一切，提醒自己：

Shift the spotlight back to everything that you have developed over the course of your life and your career that reminds you, hey.

也许我确实拥有那些通过努力赢得的能力和技能，让我有资格坐在这里。

Maybe I do have certain capabilities and skills that I've earned that allow me this seat at the table.

我特别喜欢您讲课的方式，沙达伊医生，因为自我怀疑是我们每个人都经历过的模糊又庞大的东西，但又说不清到底是什么。

I just love how you teach, doctor Shaday, because self doubt is one of these big amorphous things that we all experience, but you don't quite know what it is.

您讲得越多，我就越觉得自己真正理解了。

And I feel like I have a really good understanding the more and more you're teaching us.

我敢说，你也有同样的感受。

And I'm sure you're feeling the same way.

别走开，我敢保证，广告之后的内容会让你更加势不可挡。

And don't go anywhere because I'm confident that what you're gonna learn after the break is gonna make you even more unstoppable.

继续跟我一起吧。

So stay with me.

马上回来。

We'll be right back.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

你和我今天和沙达伊·扎赫莱医生在一起。

You and I are here with Doctor.

我们正在学习这个建立坚定自信的四步框架。

Shaday Zahrai, and we're learning about this four part framework to build unshakable self confidence.

好的。

Okay.

医生。

Doctor.

Shaday，接下来我想问你的是这个。

Shaday, the next thing I wanted to ask you is this.

这个关于自我怀疑和建立自信的四步框架中的第三个A，是自主性。

The third a in this framework around self doubt and building confidence is autonomy.

那么，医生，自主性是什么意思呢？

What does autonomy mean, Doctor.

Shaday？

Shaday?

在自我怀疑的语境下，自主性指的是

So in the context of self doubt, autonomy is

你相信自己对生活有一定的掌控力。

the belief that you have a degree of control over your life.

你觉得自己有力量掌控局面。

You feel personally powerful.

这并不意味着你能控制所有事情，毕竟有些事根本没法控制，但你会把注意力放在你能改变的部分上，正因如此，你才会觉得更有掌控感。

Now that doesn't mean you can control absolutely everything because not everything can be controlled, but you focus on what you can, and because of that, you feel like you have more control.

如果你缺乏足够的自主感，这里就会出现一些常见的表现。

Now if you don't have a strong degree of autonomy, we see a number of common patterns here.

如果你在认真听，仔细留意，你很可能马上就能想到身边有谁正处在这种状态。

And if you're paying attention, if you're listening to this, you will probably be able to identify at least someone in your life who is struggling here.

但我们往往很难察觉到自己也有这个问题，因为自主感低的人，常常不愿意承担责任。

We are less able to identify in ourselves because part of low autonomy is not taking ownership.

好，我们来看看这些表现。

So, okay, let's look at these patterns.

第一个表现是，如果你缺乏自主感，就会经常抱怨。

The first one is if you struggle with autonomy, you complain a lot.

你会对生活中所有不如意的事都牢骚不断，因为抱怨总比采取行动来得容易。

You complain about everything wrong in your life because it's easier to complain than to do something about it.

因为要采取行动，就得自己担起责任，而缺乏自主性的人恰恰做不到这一点。

Because to do something about it requires you to take ownership, and that is what low autonomy doesn't allow you to do.

所以你总是抱怨。

So you complain.

但人们没意识到，抱怨的时候，其实是在脑子里反复重现那些糟糕的情景，这会强化相关的神经通路，让抱怨变成你的本能反应。

Now people don't realize when they complain about things, they are reliving the situation in vivid detail in their brain, which is creating deeper, more efficient neural pathways, which makes complaining your default.

你渐渐就成了一个吸引负面事物的磁铁，因为你会更留意那些值得抱怨的事。

You basically become a negativity magnet because you notice more of the things to complain about.

所以，抱怨是第一个表现。

So we get complaining is the first pattern.

第二个表现是推卸责任。

The second one is blame.

人们总在怪别人。

People are blaming others.

怪环境、怪堵车、怪天气、怪老公、怪老婆、怪男友、怪团队。

The situation, the traffic, the weather, my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my team.

他们从不承担责任，还到处跟别人说。

There's no personal accountability, and they will share that with everybody else.

第三个是怨恨，他们总觉得别人生活比自己轻松，因此心生不满，也更容易陷入‘为什么是我’的受害者心态。

The third one is resentment, where, again, they are resentful to other people because they feel like everyone else has an easier life than they do, and that also leads them to play into this victim mindset, why me?

我的生活太难了。

Life is so difficult for me.

第四个就是‘算了’。

And the fourth is okay.

你有没有遇到过那种，一再跟你讲自己有多惨的人？

So you know those people that come to you and they share with you their objectively difficult life stories?

第一次听的时候，你真的特别心疼他们的遭遇。

And the first time they share it with you, you are so filled with empathy and compassion for what they've been through.

但等到他们跟你讲了第二十次、第三十次，你就明白了，他们其实是靠反复回想这些事把自己困住了。

And then by the time they've shared it with you the twentieth or thirtieth time, you realize they are keeping themselves stuck by ruminating on it.

对。

Yes.

因为这样对他们来说更安全，他们觉得抓住伤痛能强化自己是受害者的身份。

And because it's safer for them, they feel safer when they can hold on to a wound because it reinforces this view of I am a victim.

我无能为力。

I am powerless.

看看我的生活有多惨，这样还能博得别人的同情，社会上也认可这种做法。

Look at how terrible my life has been, and they get sympathy from that, so it's socially rewarding.

这就是我们看到的情况。

So this is what we see.

那接下来的问题是，我们该怎么

So the next question is, well, what do

做呢？

we do?

对。

Yes.

我们该怎么办？

What do we do?

我想一个一个来处理这些问题。

And I wanna take them one at a time Yeah.

因为很多人都在为每一个问题所困扰。

Because so many people struggle with each one of these.

所以，沙达医生，如果你总是反复思虑一切，该怎么办？

So, doctor Shaday, what do you do if you are constantly overthinking everything?

如果你总是反复思虑一切，这说明你觉得自己对事情失去了掌控。

So if you're constantly overthinking everything, overthinking is a sign that you do not feel like

这是一种大脑试图在没有确定性的情况下强行制造确定感的表现。

you have control, and it's your brain's attempt to try and manufacture certainty when there is none.

大脑天生追求效率，它希望尽量节省能量。

Your brain says to itself because the brain likes to be really efficient.

说到底，大脑其实是懒惰的。

It wants to save energy, And so it's fundamentally lazy.

所以它会想：如果我能提前预想到所有可能出错的地方，那等到真正出问题时，就不需要再花那么多力气去应对了。

And so there's this part of it that goes, if I can anticipate everything that could go wrong, then I have to expend less energy when the consequence eventually happens.

这就是为什么我们会陷入那些关于无法掌控之事的循环中。

And this is why we get stuck in those loops of everything that could be out of our control.

这也加剧了低接纳感，因为我们开始过度思考：他们喜欢我吗？

It's also what reinforces low acceptance because we start overthinking, do they like me?

那句话到底是什么意思？

What did that mean?

为什么他们还没回我？

How come they haven't replied to me?

还有掌控感的问题：万一别人发现我根本做不好怎么办？

Or agency, what if people find out I can't do this?

万一我在那儿搞砸了呢？

What if I mess up there?

这一切其实都是自主性不足的表现。

So it's all a reflection of low autonomy.

所以当我们陷入过度思考时，最糟糕的建议就是告诉自己：别再担心了。

So when we're overthinking, something that is terrible advice is to tell yourself, just stop worrying.

别再胡思乱想了。

Stop overthinking.

但你身边可能有人就这么对你说：别担心了。

And yet you might have someone in your life that says this to you, just stop worrying.

这建议根本不靠谱。

Bad advice.

我们更清楚的是，真正有效的方法是给这些胡思乱想找个出口。

What we know is much more effective is to give your overthinking an outlet.

这是什么意思？

What does that mean?

每天一有杂念冒出来，比如担心什么、反复琢磨什么事，就拿个本子和笔，实实在在写下来。

Every time you have a distracting thought that pops up during the day, a worry, you're ruminating on something, grab a notebook and a pen and actually write it down.

然后你对自己说：现在我不理你。

And then you say to yourself, I'm not gonna worry about you now.

我会在专门的担忧时间里再处理你。

I will worry about you during worry zone.

好的。

K.

明白了。

Okay.

所以你是把它搁在一旁。

So you're parking it somewhere.

懂了。

Got it.

然后每天结束的时候，你可以在日历里安排十分钟的担忧时间，但别安排得太靠近睡觉时间，不然可能睡不着。

Then at the end of the day, you wanna actually schedule in your calendar about ten minutes of worry time, not too close to bed because it might keep you up.

合适的时间大概是下午四点或五点，看你什么时候方便。

So a good time is, you know, around five, 04:00, 05:00, whenever works.

你把这时间定在日历里。

You schedule it in your calendar.

到点的时候，设个十到十五分钟的闹钟，拿出你的担忧清单，允许自己好好担心一番。

When that time comes, you set an alarm for ten or fifteen minutes, you bring out your worry list, and you allow yourself to worry.

这么做其实有好几个作用。

Now this does a few things.

这叫‘担忧的刺激控制’，研究发现，这招特别有效。

It's called stimulus control for worry, and research has found this is an incredibly effective technique It is.

真的挺管用的。

To re it is.

我得说实话。

Because I'll be honest.

听起来有点傻。

It sounds dumb.

简直傻到家了。

It sounds completely dumb.

你觉得这像什么？

It sounds like what?

完全违背直觉。

It sounds completely counterintuitive.

是的。

Yes.

但当你没有在当下为某事担忧时，当初引发这件事的情绪就已经消失了。

But what happens is when you're not worrying about something in the moment, the emotions attached to it when it initially came up are no longer there.

当你不在当下担忧时，一旦它再次浮现，主要由大脑的默认区域驱动——你知道的，大脑中负责威胁检测和恐惧的区域会更活跃。

And when you're not worrying about it in the moment, when it comes up in the moment, it's driven largely by default areas in the brain, by, you know, there's greater activation in the threat detection centers, in the fear centers of the brain.

所以自然地，我们无法接触到前额叶区域，而那里本可以帮助我们理性地处理这些想法。

And so naturally, we don't have access to the front regions, which allows us to process that rationally.

但当你事后回顾时，恐惧感就会立刻缩小到合理范围，研究告诉我们，这样能更好地管理情绪，真正地评估一下：好吧。

But when you review it later, you suddenly well, it shrinks the fear to size, and the research tells us that you can so better manage your emotional state and actually assess, okay.

这些事真的会发生吗？

Well, are any of these actually going to happen?

我又能控制其中的哪几件呢？

And do I have control over any of these things?

接下来的一步是，闹钟一响，你就直接关掉，就这么结束了。

Now the next step is once your alarm goes off, you actually close it and you that's it.

你那些担忧就到此为止了。

Like, you're done with your worries.

到了周末，你就回头看看。

End of the week, you reflect.

哪些事情是我能掌控的？

What could I control?

哪些事情是我掌控不了的？

What couldn't I control?

如果有什么是我能控制的，我打算怎么处理？

And if there's something I can control, what am I going to do about it?

这真是应对过度思考的好方法。

It's a really effective way to deal with that overthinking.

医生。

Doctor.

沙黛，你希望

Shaday, what do you wanna

你会对一个总爱抱怨的人说什么呢？

say to somebody who's a chronic complainer?

你没意识到，当你一直抱怨那些无法改变的事情时，其实是在把自己困住。

You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when you complain about the

那些你根本控制不了的事。

things you have no control over.

抱怨确实让人释放情绪。

It's cathartic.

当时听起来挺痛快的。

It feels good in the moment.

虽然感觉不错，但其实让你陷在原地动不了。

It's rewarding, but it's actually keeping you stuck.

一旦发现自己开始抱怨，第一步就是要觉察到这一点——而这往往最难做到。

The moment you find yourself complaining, the first step is to become aware of it, which is sometimes the hard part.

接下来，你可以问问自己：好吧，我其实有几种选择。

The next step is to ask yourself, okay, well, I essentially have a few options here.