How to Stop Caring What People Think of You

嘿。

Hey.

我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听《梅尔·罗宾斯播客》。

It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

今天，我们要聊聊阻碍你前进的最大障碍之一。

Today, you and I are gonna talk about one of the biggest obstacles that's holding you back.

这个障碍是什么？

What is the obstacle?

哦，就是太在意别人的看法，然后因此对自己特别苛刻。

Oh, it's worrying about what other people think and then how hard you are on yourself because of it.

所以，如果你因为担心别人而筋疲力尽，或者厌倦了总觉得自己被误解，又或者感觉自己被困在自我批评的牢笼里，对自己太狠了。

So if you're exhausted by worrying about other people or if you're tired of constantly feeling misunderstood or if you feel like you're trapped in this prison of self criticism, you're so hard on yourself.

我们今天的对话会让你解脱。

Our conversation today will set you free.

我要教你一种全新的生活方法。

I'm gonna teach you a revolutionary new approach to life.

让别人对你有负面看法吧。

Let people have negative thoughts about you.

你的力量从来不在别人怎么想。

Your power is never in what someone else thinks.

你的力量在于你如何看待自己。

Your power is in what you think about yourself.

今天，你会学到如何运用“随他们去”理论，让别人保留他们的看法，同时专注于过好你自己的生活，让自己为自己感到骄傲。

Today, you're gonna learn how to use the Let Them Theory to let people have their opinions and focus on living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.

嘿。

Hey.

我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。

It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

能和你一起，我真的很开心。

I am so thrilled to be here with you.

谢谢你。

Thank you.

谢谢。

Thank you.

谢谢你点开这期节目，选择和我共度时光。

Thank you for hitting play on this episode and choosing to spend some time with me.

能和你在一起，总是我的荣幸。

It is always an honor to be together with you.

如果你是第一次听Mel Robbins的播客，我想欢迎你加入这个大家庭。

If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I just wanna welcome you to the family.

我对你有一点了解。

Here's what I know about you.

你点开这期节目，说明你是一个真正珍惜时间的人，你愿意花时间听一些能帮你创造更好生活的内容，我毫不怀疑你点开了最合适的一期。

The fact that you actually hit play on this tells me that you're the kind of person who really values your time and that you've made the time to listen to something that could truly help you create a better life, there is no doubt in my mind you have hit play on the perfect episode.

因为今天，我们要深入探讨一个话题，我个人认为这是阻碍你实现生活中所有目标的最大障碍。

Because today, we are gonna unpack a topic that I personally believe is the single biggest obstacle that stands in the way of you and your ability to achieve absolutely everything that you want in your life.

这个障碍是什么呢？

And what is that obstacle?

这个障碍就是你在意别人对你的看法。

That obstacle is your fear of what other people think about you.

对。

Mhmm.

我们都有这个问题。

We all have it.

我们为此担心。

We worry about it.

我们在意别人的想法。

We care about what other people think.

我们试图控制别人的看法。

We try to manage what other people think.

你可能都没意识到，在社交媒体上发东西之前、在职场说话之前、在迈出你一直不敢迈的那一步之前、在开始一段对话之前，你总是会停下来，先想想别人会怎么想或怎么回应，这已经成了你的本能反应。

You probably don't even realize how much of a default it is for you to stop and consider what somebody might think before you post something on social media, before you say something at work, before you make the move that you've been afraid to make, before you start the conversation, you always stop and you consider what somebody else is gonna think or do in response to it.

你甚至都没意识到自己有多频繁地这样做。

And you don't even realize how often you do this.

我以前也没意识到，直到我发现了‘随他们去’理论。

I didn't either until I discovered the Let Them Theory.

然后我开始学着觉察自己，每当我在考虑别人会怎么想、会怎么反应，并为此焦虑时，我就告诉自己‘随他们去’，这真的改变了我的生活。

And starting to learn to catch myself whenever I was considering what somebody else would think or how they might react and worrying about it and learning how to say let them, it has been life altering.

我之所以觉得必须用一整集来讲这个，其中一个原因是，首先，你也有这个问题。

And one of the reasons why I thought I gotta dedicate an entire episode to this is because, first of all, you struggle with this.

所以你才会选择听这个。

That's why you chose to listen to this.

这也是为什么你关心的人会把这一集转发给你，因为他们希望你不再那么在意别人的看法，去过自己的生活，活得开心。

That's why somebody that you care about deeply forwarded you this episode because they want you to stop worrying so much about what everybody thinks and live your life and be happy.

但我告诉你，你并不孤单。

But I'm here to tell you, you're not alone.

每个人都会为这个困扰。

Every single human being struggles with this.

所以我想，我们就这样做吧。

And so I thought, here's what we're gonna do.

我们今天就来好好聊聊这个话题。

We're gonna unpack this today.

因为到目前为止，我为《随他们去吧》这本书做了35场媒体采访，这是所有人问得最多的问题。

Because in the 35 press interviews that I've done so far for the Let Them Theory book, this is the biggest question everybody's asking.

不管对面坐着的是谁，是奥普拉·温弗瑞，还是《纽约时报》、《时代周刊》，或者是《华尔街日报》，都一样。

And I don't care who's on the other side of the microphone with me, whether it's Oprah Winfrey or The New York Times or it's Time Magazine or it is The Wall Street Journal.

每个人都想知道：我怎样才能不再在意别人的看法？

Everybody wants to know, how do I stop caring about what other people think?

这就是我们今天要解决的问题。

And that's what we're gonna do today.

而且我特别兴奋，因为我会用一种非常特别的方式来教你们。

And I'm so excited because I'm gonna teach you this in a really special way.

我们会讨论这个话题，我会通过分享我和克莉茜·泰根的一次对话来展开。

We're gonna talk about this topic, and I'm gonna unpack it by sharing a conversation with you that I had with Chrissy Teigen.

在正式开始之前，我想先谢谢克莉茜。

And before we even jump into it, I wanna thank Chrissy.

我想感谢她允许我和你们分享这段对话。

I wanna thank her for allowing me to share this conversation with you.

因为我们在她的新播客上聊天时，她非常坦诚地谈到了自己的困扰。

Because we were talking on her new podcast, and she was so open with what she's struggling with.

她也在意别人对她的看法。

And she struggles with what other people think about her.

说实话，别人对她有负面评价、攻击她，这几乎让她寸步难行，而她对此非常坦诚。

I mean, it's almost crippling to her that people would think something negative, that they would attack her, and she was so open about it.

而且，她还让我现场给她做指导。

And on top of it, she allowed me to coach her.

我当时就直截了当地跟她说了，因为因为害怕自己无法控制的事情而束缚自己，真的很可悲。

And I got in her face about this because it's really sad when you hold yourself back because you're afraid of something that you can't control.

因为你会明白，

Because you're gonna learn.

你永远、永远、永远都无法控制或保证别人对你的看法。

You will never ever ever be able to control or guarantee what another person thinks about you.

永远不可能。

Never.

所以我不仅当面跟克莉丝说了这件事，因为我想让她有所突破，我也要当面跟你说，因为你同样需要突破这一点。

And so I not only gotten Chrissy's face about this because I want her to have a breakthrough, but I need to get into your face about this because you need a breakthrough about this.

就是现在。

Right now.

你一直在束缚自己，因为你担心大学朋友怎么想，或者担心父母会怎么想，又或者担心老板会怎么想，这个那个的。

You are holding yourself back because you're worried about what your friends from college are thinking, or you're worried about what your parents are going to be thinking, or you're worried about, you know, what your boss is going to think or this or that or the other thing.

更重要的是，问题不在于担心本身。

And more importantly, it's not even that worrying about it is the problem.

而是你把这种担心反过来指向了自己。

It's the fact that you then aim it back at yourself.

比如说，在意别人的看法其实没什么。

Like, think it's fine to care what other people think.

这恰恰说明你是个好人。

It's a sign that you're a good person.

问题不在这里。

That's not the problem.

问题在于你如何束缚自己，如何压抑自己的观点，如何用别人的看法来让自己觉得自己不够好。

The problem is how you hold yourself back, how you silence your opinion, how you use other people's opinions as a means to make yourself feel like you're not good enough as you are.

今天就要停止这样。

That's gonna stop today.

我们之所以纠结于此，是因为你相信有一种行为方式可以操纵或确保别人对你有某种看法。

And the reason why we struggle with this is because you believe that there's a way that you can behave that somehow can manipulate or guarantee that somebody will think a certain thing.

我告诉你，这不可能。

I'm here to tell you you can't.

你花在试图操纵、控制或确保别人怎么看你上的任何时间和精力，都是巨大的浪费。

And any time and any energy that you pour into trying to manipulate or control or guarantee what somebody else is gonna think about you is a gigantic waste of time and energy.

事实上，每当你开始担心别人怎么看你时，你实际上是在给自己制造压力和焦虑。

And in fact, anytime you start worrying about what somebody else thinks about you, you actually cause stress and anxiety for yourself.

你如此在意别人的看法，这本身就是压力的主要来源，而其实有更轻松的生活方式。

The fact that you're worrying about what everybody thinks so much is actually a major source of stress, and there is an easier way to live.

今天我要借助克莉茜·泰根的例子来向你证明这一点。

I am going to prove it to you today with the help of Chrissy Teigen.

你可能会感到惊讶，当你听克莉茜分享时，考虑到她的生活，你会觉得这个女人如此成功。

And it may surprise you that when you listen to Chrissy and you listen to her share, it may surprise you that when you consider her life, well, this is a woman that is so wildly successful.

她是一位非凡的女商人。

She's an extraordinary businesswoman.

她有四个很棒的孩子。

She has four amazing kids.

她和约翰·传奇有着令人羡慕的婚姻，但她也在为此挣扎。

She's got an incredible marriage to John Legend, and she struggles with this.

所以从外表看，你看到的是一个成功的人。

And so from the outside, you see somebody who's succeeding.

因此你不会觉得这个人感到被误解。

So you don't think that this is a person who feels misunderstood.

你不会觉得这个人感觉自己活在自己建造的牢笼里。

You don't think that this is a person who feels like she's living in a prison of her own making.

你不会觉得这个人会害怕自己把这种特质传给孩子。

You don't think that this is a person who lives in fear that she's gonna pass this onto her kids.

她到底怕自己会传给孩子什么呢？

And what is it that she's afraid she's gonna pass onto her kids?

其实就是这种害怕被误解、害怕别人批评她、害怕自己永远做不对任何事的恐惧。

Well, it's this fear of being misunderstood, this fear that people are criticizing her, this fear that she can never do anything right.

而“随他们去”理论在这方面很有解放作用，不仅对克莉茜·泰根如此，对你以及你分享给的人也一样。

And the Let Them Theory is liberating in this regard, not only for Chrissy Teigen, but also for you and for whomever you share this with.

所以我想感谢克莉茜，因为她允许我分享她新播客《与克莉茜·泰根一起自我觉察》中的一些片段。

And so I just wanna thank Chrissy because she is giving me permission to share a few segments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen.

你现在就可以去 audible.com/chrissyandmel 收听我和克莉茜的完整对话。

And you can listen to the whole conversation that Chrissy and I had right now if you just go to audible.com/chrissy and mel.

在她播客的开头，我向克莉茜解释了什么是“随他们去”理论。

So on the opening of her podcast, I explained to Chrissy what the Let Them Theory is.

如果你刚接触梅尔·罗宾斯播客家族，那我也顺便跟你分享一下什么是“随他们去”理论。

And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast family, let me just share what the Let Them Theory is to you as well.

所以“随他们去”理论是一个非常简单的思维工具，能让你立刻看清什么是你能控制的，什么是你控制不了的。

So Let Them Theory is a very simple mindset tool that shows you instantly what's in your control and what's not in your control.

这个理论有两个非常简单的部分。

And there's two very simple parts to the let them theory.

第一部分，当你发现自己开始因为别人的言行或感受而感到沮丧、压力、烦躁或担忧时，就用上它。

Part one, you're gonna use whenever you feel yourself starting to get frustrated or stressed out or annoyed or worried about what somebody else is doing, feeling, or saying.

就说一句，随他们去吧。

Just say, let them.

让他们说他们想说的话。

Let them say what they're gonna say.

让他们想他们想的事。

Let them think what they're gonna think.

我不再试图控制他们，就随他们去。

I'm gonna stop trying to control them and just let them.

第二步，就是当你对自己说“让我来”的时候。

And the second step is when you say let me.

当你说‘让我’的时候，你提醒自己，生活中只有三件事是你能控制的。

And when you say let me, you remind yourself that in life, there's only three things you can control.

那就是你的想法。

It's what you think.

你的行动或不行动，以及你如何处理内心升起的情绪。

It's what you do or don't do, and it's how you process the feelings that are rising up.

而当你对自己说‘让我’的时候，这才是你重新掌控力量的地方。

And when you say let me, this is where you get your power back.

让我提醒自己，我的力量不在于别人在做什么。

Let me remind myself that my power is not in what other people are doing.

我的力量始终在于我的回应。

My power is always in my response.

当你专注于自己的回应，尤其是以一种让自己感到自豪的方式去行动时，你就真正掌控了自己的人生。

And when you focus on your response and particularly, you focus on showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself, you're now in control of your life.

所以我在克莉茜的新播客里跟她解释了这些，这是她当时的回应。

And so I explained that to Chrissy on her new podcast, and this is what she had to say in response.

我可以对自己说这些话，但光说没用。

I can say that to myself all I want.

我可以告诉自己，让他们想他们的去吧。

I can say let them let them let them think their thoughts.

让自己被误解也没关系。

Let yourself be misunderstood.

这没什么大不了的。

It's okay.

你有美好的家庭、朋友和生活，但对我来说，这真的太难了。

You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life, but it is so incredibly challenging for me.

我最希望改变的一件事，就是希望自己不要被误解得这么厉害，希望别人能看到我有多好。

The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood, and I wish people knew how good I was.

这听起来很绝望、很可悲，但对我来说，这是我人生中最大的挑战。

And it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

是的。

Yeah.

她愿意分享这些，我真的很高兴，因为我一点也不觉得这听起来很绝望。

I'm so happy that she shared that because I don't think it sounds desperate at all.

你有没有过这样的经历，就是特别希望别人不要误解你？

Haven't you ever had an experience in your life where you felt like you just wish that people didn't misunderstand you?

希望别人能知道你有多好？

That you wish people knew who how good you were?

知道你有多好的用心，我觉得这其实是一种很普遍的担忧。

How you had such great intentions, I think that's a really universal fear.

而且我很高兴她真的分享了，说这是她最想改变的一件事。

And I was so glad that she actually shared that this is the one thing I wish I could change.

你想想看，如果你真的能做到让别人随便怎么想，自己不再担心被误解，你的生活会有什么不同？

I mean, just imagine what would change about your life if you really could just let people think what they think and you didn't worry about being misunderstood.

所以，我当然得直接问问克莉茜。

And so, of course, I had to ask Chrissy directly.

比如，你为什么这么在意别人的看法？

Like, why are you so concerned about what other people think?

那你到底在害怕什么呢？

And what is it exactly that you're afraid of?

这是她当时的回答。

And this is what she had to say.

从小我就特别渴望被爱，渴望得到别人的崇拜和关怀。

Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved, and I really wanted adoration and affection.

我有一位不太善于表达情感的父母。

I had a parent that was not very touchy feely.

在成长过程中，我感觉自己更像是她拿来炫耀的资本。

I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off.

所以小时候，我走到别人面前，用泰语说话，或者乖乖听话、表现好，就会得到很好的反馈。

And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in Thai or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that.

那种感觉让我一直想成为大家眼中的好孩子。

And I got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody.

这个念头从我很小的时候就根深蒂固了。

And it's been in me since I was little.

我觉得我们从小心里都有这种想法。

I think it's been inside all of us since we were little.

我是说，你想想自己，什么时候得到过正面关注？

I mean, if you just think about your own life, when did you get positive attention?

就是你表现好的时候，或者考了好成绩，或者你所在的队伍赢了。

It's when you were performing or you got good grades or the team that you were on won.

所以她说的这一点，正是很多来过梅尔·罗宾斯播客的心理学家和精神病学家都谈到的——你小时候得到正面关注的那种经历。

And so what she's talking about here is something that so many of the psychologists and psychiatrists that have come on the Mel Robbins podcast talk about, which is the experience that you had when you were little, where you got positive attention.

这就在告诉你，哦，哦，哦，当别人说我好，当别人给我正面关注时，我就知道自己感觉不错。

It kinda tells you, oh, oh, oh, when other people are telling me that I'm good, when other people are giving me positive attention, that's how I know that I feel good about myself.

但问题就在这里。

But here's the problem.

只要你把自我价值、自己做得对不对，寄托在别人的看法和情绪上，你就永远无法掌控它。

As long as you locate your goodness and whether or not you're doing a good job as a person in the opinions and the moods of other people, you're never gonna be in control of it.

这就是为什么我们这么多人，不管是克莉茜·泰根还是你或我，在生活中都会遇到这种情况，你会想，天哪。

And that's why so many of us, whether it's Chrissy Teigen or it's you or it's me, we find ourselves in these situations in life where you're like, oh my gosh.

为什么我这么在意别人对我的看法？

Why am I so concerned about what other people think about me?

我跟克莉丝解释说，你看，

And as I explained to Chrissy, look.

小时候，你需要被照顾，所以自然会跟周围的人紧密相连，时刻关注他们，从他们那里寻求积极的信号，确认自己没事、自己很好。

It's natural when you're a kid because you need to be cared for to be deeply, deeply connected to the people around you and attuned to them and looking to them for positive signaling that you're okay and that you're good.

我们小时候就是这样。

That's what happens when we're kids.

但成年之后，我们必须把这种关注收回到自己身上。

But when we are adults, we have to pull that back to ourselves.

而这就是“随他们去”理论真正能改变局面的地方。

And that's where the Let Them Theory is really going to change things.

因为当你把自我价值寄托在别人的看法上，把对自己的肯定交给别人的评价，你永远都不会感到安全。

Because when you outsource your self worth, when you outsource the positive affirmations to other people's opinions, you will never feel safe.

所以我跟克莉丝说，你一定会喜欢“随他们去”理论，因为它会教你如何不再向外寻求你真正想要的东西。

And so I was explaining to Chrissy that you're really gonna love the Let Them Theory because it's gonna teach you how to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking.

当我开始跟克莉丝解释这一点时，我说，你越能学会让别人说他们想说的话，做他们想做的事，你的生活就会越好，因为你会明白，你对自己的看法才是最重要的。

And as I started to explain this to Chrissy, that the more you can learn to let other people say what they're gonna say, be who they're gonna be, the better your life is gonna get because you're going to understand that what you think about yourself is actually the most important thing.

在接下来的部分，也就是我们录制她新播客《自我意识》时的对话里，她开始聊起她与自己的关系，而这也正是话题开始深入的地方。

And in this next part, in the conversation that we had on her new podcast, Self-Conscious, she started talking about her relationship with herself, and this is where it starts to go way deeper.

来听听看。

Take a listen.

我与自己的关系是最难处理的部分。

The relationship with myself is the the hardest part.

我一直是个自我惩罚的人，无论是通过节食、情绪化进食，还是喝酒。

I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking.

我总是用某种方式伤害自己，惩罚自己，因为觉得自己让别人失望了，或者在一群人里觉得自己不够好。

I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people.

这种感觉无处不在。

And it's so all encompassing.

我很少出门，因为一旦出门，无论是工作还是去杂货店购物，只要跟人打交道，我就会拼命地自我否定，竭尽全力确保对方跟我相处得很愉快。

I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy myself and work so hard to make sure that they had the really good experience with me.

然后回到家，我就一直纠结这件事。

And then I come home and I dwell on it forever.

对自己这么苛刻，真的太累了。

It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself.

而且我不知道不这样是什么感觉。

And I don't know what it's like to not be that way.

如果我能治愈自己这部分，很多事都会改变。

And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change.

我每天就能腾出很多时间，去想那些真正重要的事情。

So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter.

但现在，我就像被困在牢笼里。

But right now, I'm in the prison of it.

你显然被困在

You're clearly in

这个牢笼里，因为你把所有的控制权都交给了别人。

a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people.

你的自我价值、你是否快乐、你是否为自己感到骄傲，全都取决于别人的反应或他们说的话。

Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say.

就像你无法控制别人的感受一样，你也永远无法控制别人对你的看法。

And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you.

我可以通过表现得特别好来做到这一点。

I can by being really good.

不。

No.

你做不到。

You can't.

我知道。

I know.

不。

No.

你做不到。

You can't.

等我们聊完了，你能控制我回家后跟我两个女儿怎么说你吗？比如她们会问‘那人怎么样？’

When we're done talking, can you control what I'm gonna say about you when my two daughters are like, what was it like?

因为我控制不了。

Because I can't.

就是说，你真的能控制我对你的看法和感受吗？

Like, can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

不能。

No.

说得好。

Excellent.

道理上我明白，但内心深处还是觉得，我可以尽力去确保你……

Know that, and I'm saying that, but there's another level of me that's I can do the best I can to ensure that you

这里有几个点我想展开说说，因为她描述的情况你肯定经历过——你有没有过这样的经历：早上醒来，感觉挺好的，对自己也挺满意，然后开始新的一天，结果一到工作的地方就出了点事。

So there's a couple things I wanna unpack about this because she's describing something that you have experienced, which is, have you ever had the experience of you wake up in the morning, you feel fine, you feel good about yourself, the day starts, and then you get to work and something goes down.

然后你就开始纠结别人发给你的邮件，或者老板的心情，又或者学校里、朋友之间发生了什么，你就开始反复琢磨。

And suddenly, you're obsessing over the email that somebody sent you or the mood that your boss is in or maybe something happened at school or with your friends and you start obsessing.

我本应该这么做的。

I should have done this.

我本应该那么做的。

I should have done that.

我本应该做另一件事的。

I should have done the other thing.

我们这么做的时候，到底在干什么？

What are we doing when we do that?

我们其实是在放弃自己的力量。

What we're doing is we're giving our power away.

我们基本上是在说，我们的价值取决于别人怎么看待我们。

We're basically saying that our worth lies in what another human being thinks about us.

如果工作中你表现不当，有人对你不满，那你就成了坏人。

That if you don't act the right way at work and somebody's upset with you, that somehow now you're the bad person.

我今天要告诉你，绝对不是这样。

I'm here to tell you absolutely not.

这就是为什么你需要‘随他们去’理论。

This is why you need the Let Them Theory.

比如，你老板心情不好，不代表你是个坏人。

Like, your boss's bad mood doesn't mean you're a bad person.

有人说你坏话，不代表你就要觉得自己不好。

Somebody saying something negative about you doesn't mean you have to feel negatively about yourself.

我理智上明白这个道理，但一直不知道如何把自己和别人的情绪、别人对我的看法分开。

And I knew that intellectually, but I never knew how to separate myself from other people's moods and other people's opinions of me.

而‘随他们去’理论在这方面彻底改变了我的生活。

And the Let Them Theory has been life altering in this regard.

这就是我当时想跟克莉丝解释的。

And this is what I was trying to explain to Chrissy.

她描述的情况，其实也是你每天可能经历的——你担心同事怎么看你。

She's literally describing how you probably go through your day two, where you're concerned about what people at work think about you.

你担心你的姐妹会成员怎么看你。

You're concerned about what your sorority sisters think about you.

你担心家人对你的看法。

You're concerned about what your family thinks about you.

如果我们反过来想呢？

What if we were to invert this?

如果你更在意自己对自己的看法呢？

What if you were more concerned about what you think about you?

与其把精力耗在你永远无法掌控的事情上，不如把力量收回来。

And instead of exhausting yourself over something you'll never be able to manage, you pull the power back.

这就是我想跟她解释的，我觉得她开始明白了。

This is what I was trying to explain to her, and I think she's starting to get it.

如果我能治愈自己那部分，很多事情都会改变。

And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change.

我一天中大部分时间就能用来思考真正重要的事情了。

So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter.

你真的能控制我对你的想法和感受吗？

Can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

不能。

No.

她说对了。

She said the correct answer.

不能。

No.

就像我无法控制你在听这期播客时会怎么想我一样。

Just like I can't control what you're gonna think about me as you're listening to this podcast episode.

请花点时间，把这个分享给你在乎的每一个人，因为大家都需要学会如何允许别人有负面想法，并夺回自己的力量。

Please take a moment and share this with everybody that you care about because everybody needs to learn how to let people have negative thoughts and take their power back.

哦，还有很多内容需要深入探讨，我想继续聊这个话题。

Oh, there's so much more that we need to unpack, and I wanna stay on this topic.

但我们先暂停一下，来听听梅·罗宾斯播客的精彩赞助商们。

But let's take a quick pause so we can hear from our amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast.

别走开，我在这段短暂休息后等你回来。

And don't go anywhere because I'm gonna be waiting for you after this short break.

和自己相处是最难的部分。

The relationship with myself is the the hardest part.

我一直是个自我惩罚的人，无论是通过节食、情绪化进食，还是喝酒。

I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking.

我总是给自己施加某种痛苦，惩罚自己让别人失望，或者觉得自己在一群人中不够好。

I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people.

对自己这么刻薄，真的让我筋疲力尽。

And it's so it's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself.

我不知道不那样做是什么感觉。

And I don't know what it's like to not be that way.

如果我能治愈自己这部分，很多事情都会改变。

And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

非常高兴你能来。

I am so glad that you're here.

我很高兴你正在学习如何让别人拥有负面想法。

I'm so glad that you're learning how to let people have negative thoughts.

再次感谢克莉茜·泰根允许我播放她新播客《与克莉茜·泰根一起自我觉察》中的一些片段。

And, again, I'm so grateful that Chrissy Teigen is allowing me to play some moments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen.

在我们深入探讨这个话题时，它真的开始让我有所领悟，我得称赞克莉茜，因为她在接下来的部分分享了一些非常私人的事情。

As we're unpacking this, and it's really starting to sink in, you know, I have to applaud Chrissy because she shared something very personal in this next segment.

我想和你分享这个，因为我觉得停下来想一想，你如何生活其实是在给别人做榜样，这一点非常重要。

And I I I wanted to share it with you because I think it's really important to stop and consider that how you move through life is an example to other people.

运用“让他们理论”，你完全可以夺回主动权，决定自己想成为什么样的人。

And using the Let Them Theory, you can truly take the power back and decide who you want to be.

这就是“让我”的部分。

That's the let me part.

让我决定我如何看待自己。

Let me decide what I wanna think about myself.

让我把自己的行为和我想要成为的那种人保持一致。

Let me align my actions with the kind of person I wanna be.

让我允许自己的情绪自然起伏，而不是根据我觉得别人对我的期望或会不会失望来安排我的生活。

Let me allow my emotions to rise and fall instead of navigating my life based on what I think everybody else expects of me or is gonna be disappointed.

这就引出了克莉茜新播客的这一部分，以及我们之间的对话，我想和你分享。

And that brings me to this part of Chrissy's new podcast and the conversation that we had that I wanted to share with you.

因为她分享了她内心非常私人的一个恐惧。

Because she shared this fear that she had that is extremely personal.

我觉得这是这次对话中很重要的一部分。

And I think it's an important part of this conversation.

听听看。

Check this out.

最糟糕的一点是，我觉得自己像个疯子，或者觉得没人能理解这种感觉。

One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling.

我为什么会这样？

Why am I like this?

我真的很害怕把这个传给我的孩子。

I'm really scared of passing this along to my kids.

我觉得这是我最大的觉悟。

I think that is the big realization for me.

我不能这样对我的孩子。

I can't do this to my kids.

我永远不想让他们觉得必须为别人表演，一直表现得很好，但我知道有时候我可能就是这样。

I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time, but I know that sometimes I probably am that way.

我确实希望他们最有礼貌，我不希望别人觉得他们是明星家的熊孩子。

I do want them to be the most polite, and I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids.

所以我可能会往另一个方向更用力，确保他们不会给人那种印象。

And so I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that way.

我真的需要打破这个循环，因为我自己没问题。

And I really need to break that because I'm okay.

这也是我去做心理咨询的另一个原因。

And this is another reason I'm in therapy.

我自己吃点亏、或者过这种压力大又痛苦的日子，我都能接受，

I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain,

但我不能接受他们受同样的苦。

but I'm not okay with them.

对。

Yeah.

嗯，我看得出来这件事确实让你很困扰。

Well, I can see that really bothers you.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

因为我清楚，

Because I see how much

我小时候和成年人的那些互动，从多个层面影响了我——无论是性方面的经历，还是我变成讨好型人格的原因，而那种讨好往往是通过和人发生关系来实现的。

my interactions with adults as a child affected me from so many different layers from whether it was sexual or the reason I became such a people pleaser, and that was through sleeping with people.

这在我生命中影响深远。

It travels so far in my life.

不只是我想对人微笑、说几句泰语那么简单。

It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little Thai words for people.

一开始确实是这样开始的。

It went in that it started that way.

是的。

Yes.

但后来我竟然开始相信，对不起。

But then I ended up believing sorry.

我竟然相信我是属于所有人的，我的身体也是属于所有人的。

I ended up believing that I was for everybody and my body was for everybody.

它渗透到了我生活的方方面面。

And it took a hold on every part of my life.

你也看到了，直到现在它仍然控制着我。

And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now.

所以我无法想象我的孩子也经历这些。

So I cannot imagine this for my kids.

我希望他们不要一辈子都想讨好所有人。

I hope that they don't wanna please everybody in life.

我希望他们明白，身体是自己的，思想是自己的，行为是自己的，他们无法控制别人。

And I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people.

我不能让他们像我这样活着。

I cannot have them live this way that I live.

那谁来教他们这些呢？

Who is gonna teach them this?

而这正是你拥有的巨大机会。

And that's the enormous opportunity that you have.

当你明白自己面对的是什么，你就有能力去正视它，并做出改变生活的决定，而这正是你现在在做的。

When you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions to live differently and that's exactly what you're doing.

你的孩子看着你，他们也在观察，陌生人和其他人对你的自我感受有多大影响。

And your kids watch you and they are watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself.

所以当你开始正视这个问题，真正分清什么是你该负责的——也就是你的想法、你的情绪、你的言语——当你专注于这些，让你的价值观和你的生活方式保持一致，并优先考虑自己时，你也在向孩子传递一个信息：他们对自己的看法，比任何别人说的话或做的事都重要，因为他们不再看到妈妈被别人的言论击垮。

And so as you take this on and you truly start to separate what is your responsibility to manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words, when you focus on that and you align your values with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying.

我一直觉得挺神奇的，我居然成了那个“什么都不在乎”的女孩。

It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl.

其实我心里想的是，你们根本不知道我在乎得有多深。

I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

没错，任何人只要说“我才不在乎他们怎么想”，你就知道他们其实特别在乎。

Well, anybody anytime anybody says, I don't give a shit what they think, you know they totally do.

因为当你非得把这句话说出口的时候，恰恰说明你还在纠结某件让你在意的事。

Because it's when you have to say that out loud, it's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you.

确实是这样，对吧？

It's so true, isn't it?

我猜你脑子里肯定在想某个人，他总爱说“我才不在乎别人怎么想”。

I bet you're thinking about somebody in your life who constantly says, don't care what they think.

这期节目他们真该听听，因为他们把这话说出来，本身就说明他们在乎别人的看法。

This is an episode they need to hear because the fact that they're saying it out loud means they care what they think.

我真的很想好好聊聊这个‘什么都不在乎’的概念。

And I really wanna unpack this whole idea of not giving any fucks.

我们来看看克莉茜·泰根到底说了什么，因为我这儿有原话。

And let's look at what Chrissy Teigen actually said because I have it right here.

我一直觉得很惊讶，我竟然是那个‘什么都不在乎’的女孩。

It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl.

我就想，你们根本不知道我在乎的事情有多少。

I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

你们根本不知道我在乎的事情有多少。

You guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

关键在于‘在乎’这个词。

Give is the word.

因为当你真正担心或试图控制别人怎么想时，你就把权力交给了别人。

Because when you actually are worried or try to manage what somebody else thinks, you give someone else power.

这就是克莉茜哭的原因——她感觉到并意识到别人对她的生活有多大的影响力。

That's why Chrissy's crying because she's sensing and realizing how much power other people had over her life.

还有一件事我想对你说，也对克莉茜说，我在她的播客上也提过。

And here's the other thing I wanna say both to you and to Chrissy, and I said this to her on her podcast.

这不是你的错。

This isn't your fault.

这不是你的错。

This isn't your fault.

这是你从小被灌输的。

This was conditioned in you as a child.

当你因为别人的行为——比如你妈妈或周围的大人——而得到正面反馈时，你当然会被训练成去讨好别人。

When you get positive reinforcement based on other people's behavior, your moms or the adults around you, of course, you're getting conditioned to please other people.

你当然会被培养成在意别人的看法。

Of course, you're getting trained to care what other people think.

更深层的问题是，你实际上被教导要为他人的情绪和观点负责，而且你的价值感来自外界。

And a bigger issue is you're actually being taught somehow that you are responsible for other people's moods and opinions and that your worth is outside of you.

所以我想回到‘给予’这个词上。

And so I wanna come back to the word give.

当你去在意别人的看法，或者把力量交给别人的想法时，你总会感到压力、焦虑和不值得，因为你永远无法控制别人怎么想。

When you give fucks or you give a shit or you give power to what somebody else thinks, you are always going to feel stressed out, anxious, and unworthy because you're never gonna be in control of what somebody else thinks.

而且你总是会胡思乱想，担心这件事。

And you're always gonna be up in your head worried about it.

这就是为什么“随他们去”理论会改变你的人生。

And that's why the Let Them Theory is gonna change your life.

因为当你对自己说，让他们去负面评价吧，让他们失望吧。

Because when you say let them think something negative, let them be disappointed.

让他们因为我没有达到他们的期望而不高兴吧。

Let them be upset that I'm not meeting their expectations.

让他们说我粗鲁吧。

Let them say that I'm rude.

让他们觉得我应该换一种方式行事吧。

Let them believe that I should be acting a different way.

让他们取关我吧。

Let them unfollow me.

让他们去想他们想的事情吧。

Let them think what they're gonna think.

然后有趣的事情就发生了，这是我在自己生活中注意到的一点。

And then a really funny thing happens, and this is something that I've noticed in my own life.

我越是说‘让他们去想那些负面的东西’，越是把力量收回来，把时间和精力都投入到让自己骄傲的生活中，我就越清楚自己是谁。

The more I say let them think something negative and the more I take my power back and I really put all my time and energy into showing up in my life in a way that makes me proud of myself, I know who I am.

当我清楚自己是谁，并且因为我在努力、在尽力、知道自己的意图而为自己感到骄傲时，我其实不会太在意别人怎么想，因为我知道真相是什么，而你也可以做到这一点。

And when I know who I am and I'm proud of myself because I'm trying and I'm doing my best and I know what my intentions are, I don't actually think about other people a whole lot because I know the truth and that's what's available to you.

我想回到克莉丝刚才说的两件事，当时真的触动了我。

And I wanna go back to two things that Chrissy said that really struck me in the moment.

她说：

She said

最糟糕的部分之一，就是感觉自己疯了，或者觉得没人能理解这种感受。

One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling.

我为什么会这样？

Why am I like this?

我为什么会这样？

Why do I do this?

为什么我对自己这么刻薄？

Like, why am I so mean to myself?

为什么我总在讨好别人？

Why am I such a people pleaser?

为什么我老是担心别人怎么想？

Why do I constantly worry about what other people are thinking?

为什么？

Why?

为什么？

Why?

为什么？

Why?

其实我们都有这样的感受，这是人类天性的一部分。

And the truth is we're all like this, and it's a fundamental part of the human wiring.

你看，我们对自己特别苛刻。

See, we are super hard on ourselves.

我相信，如果你真的对自己诚实，就像克莉茜·泰根对我坦诚她总是自我批评、不想这样、也不想把这种习惯传给孩子一样，我觉得我们并不是有意伤害自己，但就是陷入了这种自我否定的循环里。

And I'm sure if you really are honest with yourself, the way that Chrissy Teigen was honest with me about how she is bashing herself all the time, and she doesn't wanna do this, and she doesn't wanna pass this on to her kids, that I don't think we mean harm to ourselves, and yet here we are caught in this negative loop with ourselves.

所以，我们才会向外寻求认可，因为想逃避自己脑子里不断重复的自我批评。

And so this is why we're looking for validation outside ourselves because we're trying to escape the criticism that is running on repeat in our own heads.

我们在外界寻找线索。

We're looking for clues from the outside world.

我想告诉你的是，既然这个问题从童年就开始了，更好的方法是学会如何从内心给自己线索。

And what I'm here to tell you is that since this has been going on since childhood, the better approach is to learn how to give yourself clues internally.

直到我和世界著名精神病学家、畅销书作者保罗·康特医生聊过之后，我才明白这一点。

And I never understood this until I talked to world renowned psychiatrist and bestselling author, doctor Paul Conte.

他写了《纽约时报》畅销书《创伤：看不见的流行病》。

He wrote the New York Times bestseller, Trauma, The Invisible Epidemic.

那本书的序言是Lady Gaga写的，因为她曾接受过康特医生的治疗，她说康特医生救了她的命。

And the introduction for that book, the forward, was written by Lady Gaga because he treated Lady Gaga, and she says that doctor Conti saved her life.